F**kface - Trapped in the Bathroom with a Cat//You Make People Uncomfortable [3]

Episode Date: June 17, 2020

Geoff, Gavin, and Andrew talk about hiding from movers, failed pranks, postal services, and white chocolate. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit dragonsdogma.com to buy the game and start your epic quest today. That's D-R-A-G-O-N-S-D-O-G-M-A.com to learn more. Hello and welcome to another episode of the F*** Face podcast. I am the OG F*** Face. My name is Jeff Ramsey and I am joined by my two F*** Facey little friends, Gavin Free and Andrew Panton. How's it going, boys? Hello. I'm pretty good my two f***-facey little friends, Gavin Free and Andrew Panton. How's it going, boys? Hello. I'm pretty good.

How are you? I'm okay. I gotta ask, though, and I think the audience probably wants to know as well, before we go into the podcast, how's the fight going? The fight? Oh, the Garfield fight. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's far more important than the Garfield fight.

The, the, your self-declared war on the basket weavers of the world, or the BWW as I know it. It's been picking up, hasn't it? I've seen the comments. Yeah, have you seen the comments? I was going to say that, you know, like they say, never punch down, and I felt a little bad for how hard we went into the basket weave paint. I didn't see anything.

It's non-existent. There's no punching down. There's nothing. It's just air. I saw a comment on the Roosterteeth site that was pretty uh defensive about the basket weaving community i assume they've elected one spokesperson well they didn't have a lot of options they elected the guy or what here's why i think you need to be worried andrew okay you live in you live in a in a world with the internet of instant gratuity, instant call and response.

You issued a call to the basket weavers. You expect immediate blowback or hate or pushback from them. But what you don't realize is that the basket weavers of the world are artisans. It takes time to weave a basket slowly. There's patience involved. There's discipline. a basket slowly. There's patience involved. There's discipline. And I have a feeling that whatever response you're going to receive, whatever measured, planned out response you're going to receive is going to have as much love and care put into it as the baskets that they weave.

The basket of hate and retribution that they're going to weave up towards you. Oof, it may take a while, but I don't want to be in its path when it arrives. Like what's the worst case scenario that I'm going to find a shitty basket on my front door. Like you get like a hamper. Yeah. Well, I'm not scared.

I'm scared of shitty baskets. I think the biggest danger to you is getting canceled by wicker. Oh, wow. Terrifying. I'm shaking. How dare they so jeff i've noticed i've noticed that um we don't have any sponsors yet is that i hadn't noticed it's uh i guess it's hard to sponsor a podcast with a name we can't say and that i tried to search for on our own website earlier and it didn't come up.

Yeah. Well, you know, it's, it's by design. Um, I actually think that there are sponsors coming now that we've had, we filled with some, some inquiries. There are some, there are some people out there. There's some, some, uh, products out there that, uh, I think that, uh, are brave and support the kind of, uh, uh of groundbreaking content that we're making. And we're just waiting for them to catch up to us. But we'll get there. Don't worry about that. I can't wait for Dollar Shave Club slash face as a URL that's in the bottom of this podcast. Dollar Shave Club, if you're listening.

Andrew, I want to know how your life is going, buddy. Andrew, I want to know how your life is going, buddy. And I'll say, I think I mentioned it in the first or the second one when I talked about how you have basically been the private podcast for Gavin and I for the last few years, where we just live vicariously through your missteps in life. But I've noticed a weird thing since we started the F*** Face podcast. You sent me an absolute wall of hilarious text over the last two days. And I haven't read any of it because now I don't want to,

I want to wait to hear it on the podcast for the first time. So it's kind of funny. This podcast that is a result of just the intense friendship and love that I have of spending time with you guys has now killed that. I only want to hear from you during the podcast. I want to be as surprised as the audience about your life it is a problem like i yeah i

noticed that too where it's like i'd go to message either you guys something and it's like why would i do this i'm never gonna talk to either and we're not gonna talk once a week for an hour it's a relationship going forward the phone will send the notification and it'll just have like the first sentence of the paragraph that you've written and And it'll be like, so get this and I'll just close it. I read as far as I'm in the bathroom hiding from the movers. I think they might be trying to kill me. And I just turned it. I just shut it down. I was like, nope. So you moved. I did move. I'm still in the process. Things are everywhere. Yeah, I moved.

I don't think it's a great story, but there was a portion of time in which I was locked in my bathroom with my cat with only my underwear. And I had strong concerns that the movers were going to kill me. It was a possibility. I'm trying to figure out how you may have got into this situation. There's no way that you could figure this out. It's a convoluted mess. How did you not know that they were...

How did they get... Huh? No, they didn't know I existed. Why did you think they were going to kill you? Because they didn't know I existed. And I was sitting in a bathroom. So someone else let them in? Yes.

Someone else was conducting the move. I was with the cat that has panic attacks when new people come in. I was keeping the cat calm. Things happened. The cat got covered in litter. I ended up with only my underwear left. Oh, because you got caked in feces and litter? No, I drenched my own clothes in water

because I tried to have a bath. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me make sure I have this right. You were in the middle of moving and there were movers moving your house. And you're trapped in a bathroom with a cat trying to keep it calm. And you thought, I'll light some candles and have a bubble bath. Well, if you're going to be in a bathroom for like two hours, you eventually run out of things to do.

Have a bath. for like two hours, you eventually run out of things to do. I'm a bat. And the tough part is you feel incredibly guilty when you're having a bath while people are lifting heavy furniture of yours. So try to be really sneaky of like, oh, they're downstairs? Let's turn some water on.

Turn it off when they come back up. They had no idea I was there. It was great. I did great in that department, but things just... I just like the idea of you, just you're with a bath, so you're like, it now been in here long yeah why don't you start from the beginning i we should just i want to hear this story in its entirety i mean it's sort of the story like i left before the

movers arrived at the original house took the cat to the new place hung out there until the movers showed up then moved the cat to the bathroom, and then, yeah, I tried to have a bath, when I got out, I launched water fucking everywhere. All over the bath, got on the cat's tail, cat panicked, ran into the litter box, cat now has a tail of litter, because it all stuck

to it, cat's freaking out, and I'm just sitting on a toilet with just my underwear on, hoping they don't find me. Because all I can think about is that movie Burn After Reading, where, like, George Clooney finds Brad Pitt in the closet and shoots him in the face. I'm like, the movers are going to find me. They're not going to know who I am.

They're going to think I'm a crazy person, and they're going to attack me. This is going to escalate in some way. So I was just trying to be really quiet. Were there other bathrooms? Were you worried that one of the movers would come and take a piss? There are three. Yeah, no, I'm good.

That wasn't a concern. Yeah. How long were you in the bathroom for? Uh, 10am until 5pm, 4pm maybe? Oh my God. Oh my God. Why didn't you just come out? That's a full day. Well, I don't know. Once you're I mean, what am I gonna do?

I'm not gonna help with the move. I'd rather the movers not know I exist than feel guilty that they know I exist and I'm not helping. So did you just sit? You said your clothes got soaked. Yeah. So were you sitting? What time did you take the bath? How about that?

I took the bath probably. I took the bath at like 1 p.m. maybe. Okay. And were you trying to save it? Were you like, oh, I don't want to take a bath immediately because then I've exhausted all of this room has to offer, so I'm going to wait out as long as I can?

I've been going I Am Legend style. I was just laying in the bath with my clothes on for most of the day. Because it's the only place to stretch out. It was a small bathroom. Do you have any bath crayons or armament to play with or anything? I had my cell phone and let me... Oh, this was an all-time disaster.

I had the charger. My phone died. It's my only source of entertainment. It's like, ah, there are outlets in here. It's fine. Outlets don't work in the bathroom. That was devastating. Couldn't charge the phone.

That was a whole endeavor. I had to tiptoe out of the bathroom to charge it And like peek to see when they Because they had to do multiple loads So you'd wait until it was clear Yeah once it was all clear I got a nice 30 minute charge in And I was all good

Just coasted the rest of the way Just scurry away back to the bathroom Yeah immediately ran back to the bathroom Only I only had my underwear I can tell like it became a game for you eventually right now. It's pretty miserable This wasn't a great experience by any any stretch as tired We moved a lot of stuff before the movers came so it's physically exhausted It was it was an experience, but not a positive one so what do you do for sustenance?

Oh, I ordered pizza the day before and I brought the pizza into the back I had the pizza and had a cookie and I got one of maybe the smartest things I've ever done is the night before the move I put my toothbrush in the cookie box doesn't like there's no way I'm gonna remember to move this and I'm definitely gonna eat that cookie tomorrow For God, I did it when I opened the cookie box to find the toothbrush it was like I found a million dollars it's like you're well I'm impressed it works yeah you know you know yourself better than anyone I guess that was day one as then do we want to get into where I'm at right now?

What's going on? Yeah, I have a situation. Do you guys see the discord chat? I've never used this. Let me post it. So, uh, I, uh, my room has an echo in it. Like it's, there's an echo. I don't know what to do about it.

I don't know how sound works. Uh, so I, uh, I have furniture in it. It just, I don't know how sound works. Do you not need furniture? I have furniture in it. It just, I don't know, everything is solid. I guess, I don't know how any of this works, but I have an echo. Get a rug, put some shit on the walls. Are you living in maybe a

mausoleum or a train station? Yeah. Is the ceiling tiled and curved? It's a high ceiling, and everything is really, there might be cement in the walls. I don't know. Everything's very solid. It's great for soundproofing, as far as being around other people.

So I didn't know what to do, so I spent all of yesterday rearranging my room and lifting heavy boxes from a different floor. And I'm living in, I'm currently in like a pillow fort. I'm in a shit. I've got four corners. Oh, I see the picture. Yeah, I got all of my blankets.

I'm using shower curtains. I'm contained. I currently have a blanket against my head because I didn't make the roof high enough. But this is my life. Oh, my Lord. I'm just surrounded in blankets. Well, yeah, I don't make the roof high enough. But this is my life. Oh, my Lord. I'm just surrounded in blankets. Well, yeah, I don't hear any echo,

so mission accomplished there. Yeah, congratulations. I can't even hear the train conductor. This is perfect. So did you move to the same cold Canadian island? Yeah, still same area. Nice. Yeah, different part.

So you won't be missing out on the bathtub boat race anytime soon? Oh, God, no. I won't be. I'm actually closer. They fire a cannon once a year, and that's going to be a thing. I'm going to do that a lot more. When is the boat race? It's typically in July.

They canceled it because of COVID, obviously, this year. So no boat racing. I'm going to say right now, if this podcast is still going next July, if the world still exists next July, and we haven't all succumbed to COVID, I think we should enter into the fucking race. I think we should enter into the race. Or at least try and do a podcast from the race and like commentate on it do a live remote from it yeah i want to be there when that cannon fires too it's the thing yeah i mean we could it's

not it's not that hard i don't think we want to ride it's very uncomfortable from my understanding riding in a bathtub in the ocean is apparently terrible not fun at all but maybe we could like sponsor a racer. Can we stick a balloon on it or something and just float slightly above the ocean? Do you have to be on the water? I think you have to be on the water. It would be really sad to see a f***ing face balloon

slowly float down. Well, we have about a year to plan. So, we just need to start understanding what is it? Bathtubs? Is that what the We have about a year to plan. So we just need to start understanding. What is it? Bathtubs?

Is that what the race is? How long does it take to buy a giant balloon? How long does it take? What do you mean? Yeah, like when you put the order in for a hot air balloon or like a big blimp with an ad on the side. That's got to be at least six months. Hey, dickhead. Can I ask you a question?

Didn't you get famous off of giant red balloons? I don't mean a balloon like a lifetime supply of them So you just fill it with hey fill it with helium you can't fly that over a bathtub race It's a six foot tall balloon. You put three of them together and fill them with helium Well, have you ever seen a hot air balloon a hot air balloon? It's like 15 meters. What? A hot air balloon is like 15 meters. What? How?

They're massive. 45 feet wide. You know the problem with hot air balloons and where you're going to run into an issue. You know what the baskets are made out of, right? Oh, shit. We'll put in the order for the balloon and no one will weave the basket. They're going to weave some weak spots.

Oh, yeah. I'm looking at the other pictures of this fort. I can see a Home Depot box. Oh, it's all Home Depot boxes. It looks good, man. It's not, but I appreciate you saying that. Well, congratulations on surviving the move. Congratulations on your bath. I assume you got clean.

I assume the cat has been clean since then. And you're all hunkered down. It sounds like you even got your little bedroom fort going. You got to be living high on the hog right now. No, not at all. But thank you once again. I'm exhausted, but we're here. In a fort.

Talking about baskets. I just realized I kind of fucked up. You know, I've been recording my farts for a while yeah and i went through a bit of a fart drought where i just didn't have any there was no gas left in the tank uh for about a week there but i've since rebounded and i've been recording my farts with a with a creative curiosity i'll say have you assigned them all to uh various people or are they sort of going into a miscellaneous bucket right now they're going into kind of like a thought bucket right now where i'm trying to figure out what to do with them i'm pretty sure i want to make a soundboard anyway the way i fucked up is i farted a perfect question fart the other day oh and it's amazing

but i wanted to have it prepped so i could play it for you guys and i don't know which one it is and i don't want to just play a thousand farts for you. You might have to listen through. I feel like if you're going to start this, you might as well start organizing them properly from the beginning. You need keywords, you need titles on these. I think you're right. These should be searchable. The thing that I like about them

is that they're called, like, you know, I recorded number 35 this morning. I just love that I have 35 individual farts on my phone. I just wish I knew which one is the question fart. Well, the one you sent me, I think, was 20. That was 20? Oh, yeah.

So you've recorded 15 farts since the one I got. Yeah. Well, here's what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to promise you that I will get it ready, and I will prep my question fart for next episode. You should play it instead of asking a question i will i will i will so when someone says something you're just like huh but with the fart oh my god that's a great idea i want to have a whole soundboard of i want to see if i can emote only in farts going forward you need a lot of farts like lassie

how many like when are you going to start rotating? Eventually you'll be able to tell us that someone stuck down a well using only farts. Oh, God. I had a question I wanted to ask you, Jeff. It's not a regular face because it wasn't screwing myself over. But I played a prank on you recently and there was absolutely no payoff and i i get the feeling that you didn't notice in the slightest are you serious do you have any idea what it was is it's uh is this like the thing where you've been telling

me we're friends for 20 years or 17 years no it was at the um stream we did right before right before we stopped going to work that big where we played like electric jenga and all that stuff like the big 12 hour achievement yeah stream okay you at one point during that stream found a load of super glue and you started sticking shit to the the let's roll table i glued everything in sight yes yeah and nobody can tell me no because i'm the boss which is like the greatest thing i saw so much displeasure i saw so before you get there i just want to just i want you to know it wasn't lost on me when i do something like that that it is annoying to everybody involved but me i saw trevor was annoyed lewis was annoyed everybody was not having it and all that does

is just make me want to glue more shit yeah it's fuel for you and you were sticking you were sticking really pointless stuff like it was powerful super glue the sort of thing where it's like if you use if you touch the cap and you get just a little bit of residue it will stick your fingers together and it'll be sticky for ages unless you immediately wipe it off and you stuck stuff like paper to it so it's just like ripped ripped paper now stuck to that really nice table anyway after you'd done that i picked up one of the little super glues and you were sat on the floor but you were sort of sat on your knees okay so your shoes if you can imagine it were stuck out soles up uh facing me so i just crouched down behind you and i dumped an entire tube of super glue all over both of your shoes and you never said a word about it so and then

i turned around and walked around with sticky shoes? Yeah, and you never reacted to it at all. Well, how long did I sit there for? Was it possible I sat there for more than seven to ten seconds, you moron? What, is it dry after ten seconds? It's fucking superglue, buddy. It dries fast. It's quick drying.

It says it on the label. Shit, so I just, like, fixed your shoes. I'm like a cobbler you just repaired my shoes that's all you think hey hey thanks for fixing my shoes man i really that was a real it was a real friend thing to do it was so much glue though i can't i'm i'm really annoyed what color were my shoes do you remember um they were vans the bottom were kind of like pale brown they were vans and they were brown. So you described, I have a closet with 65 pairs of pale brown bottomed vans.

But only one of them has a really secure sole. I'll look for it. I'll look for it. Good lord. And you were flummoxed that I never figured out that you glued my shoes to nothing. I wasn't like waiting for the reaction. I assumed that you would at some point start fussing that you had glued to the floor and like the carpet was sticking but it was like two days later and I was

like oh yeah nothing nothing happened with the glue. If we ever start a new podcast called dipshit face you're gonna host. How many pairs of shoes do you have Jeff? I have a lot dude. Are i have uh oh you didn't know that about me no yeah i'm addicted the thing that i i'm not embarrassed about collecting is vans i have probably 60 pairs of vans yeah just vans or like only no no no no no just vans i only collect vans i mean i have i'm embarrassed to say now, Andrew and Gavin, this won't mean anything to you. But Andrew, I do.

I'm embarrassed to say I own one pair of Kyrie Irving's because they were Celtics colors. Yeah, I have the same. I'm in the same embarrassing boat. I've got a fucking Uncle Drew poster. So I'm in a whole other tier of mistakes with Kyrie Irving. The way before he before he broke all of our hearts. Yeah, I had a weird realization once where I was wearing an Isaiah Thomas T-shirt and I was wearing Kyrie Irving runners.

It was like these runners. I wouldn't own these runners if the guy on my shirt wasn't traded for the guy I'm wearing the shoes of. It was a bizarre like trade realization. My entire outfit was dictated by Celtics trades. It's so bad. You wouldn't know this, but it's so bad in the NBA with players getting traded back and forth and

no team loyalty that I think it's American Express, I want to say, if you buy a basketball jersey through them, you get a year of insurance in case the player gets traded to another team. You can get a free jersey. Yeah, you're like, I just dropped $150 on a fucking LeBron

Cleveland jersey jersey and he went to la lakers i'll just use my american express or whatever maybe it was maybe it was chase manhattan or one of those credit card companies but i'll just use my credit card insurance to get my new lakers jersey i only know about the uh the concentrating from the beginning of basketball what a great primer baseball ended up being for a lot of things oh andrew do you uh speaking of facing which is what this podcast is do you want to talk a little bit about your oh i don't want to say a war but you're you're no we became friends yeah how you befriended was it the australian post office the australian post office yeah we

talked a little bit you and i were just kind of getting into collecting cards and i had just learned that they made entertainment cards like for movies like they had rocky two cards and jaws cards a lot of cards from the 80s but they even do it for more modern properties now and i kind of became obsessed with trying to collect like the dumbest autographs I could find Like I bought a bunch of battlefield earth cards and got a force or would occur signed about Training before you before you go any further. I gotta know Do these cards hold any value? Oh, no, okay? These are these are no early face collectibles the purely face collectibles in fact I'd say the less value they hold the more valuable

They are to my heart. Do you think you you might have the only? Forest Whitaker autograph with no value it's you know honestly I might have the only forest Whitaker at this point It was a really rare card he signed like 500 of them, and they thought that he was gonna be big So they made a lot of cards. It was a really rare get. I don't know what the numbers are, but it was like a super lucky pull. When we make the officiable face collectible guide, we'll put that one in there for sure.

Did you say officiable? Officiable. Officiable. Did I know what I said? I think you said officiable. Did I? No, I think I said the... If I make the fishable...

That's what we're going to call it. The fishable collectible guide. It's the fishable list. God, it's been a long life. Still going, though. Dude, I turned 45 pretty soon. Shit. Yeah.

That's halfway to 90. I know, dude. Halfway. That means I'm almost halfway through my life, because I'm going to live to be at least 100, now that I think about it. Do you think so? Oh, yeah. Everybody in my life lives forever.

I guess you eat well, you exercise, you don't drink anymore. It's good shit. I think you'll make it. That's probably what's going to do me in. I probably shouldn't have changed course. I had spent 40-something years building up all those immunities. Anyway, Andrew, how did you fall in love with the Australian post office? Was it because of Forrest Whitaker?

It was because of Forrest Whitaker, yeah. I got hooked. Once I pulled the Forrest Whitaker card, it became a full Whitaker? It was because of Forest Whitaker, yeah. I got hooked. Once I pulled the Forest Whitaker card, it became a full obsession, and I was convinced I could pull any card I wanted. And I ordered all these cards off of eBay, not knowing they were from Australia. And as soon as I ordered them,

I was double-checking the order, and I noticed I sent them to an address I lived in five years ago. It was a while since I had used that. A crusty old eBay account. Yeah. I signed into the wrong eBay account. Yeah, I signed into the wrong account and I shipped them to an address that I lived in five years ago.

And I immediately reached out to them and they said there's nothing we could do. Like, we immediately shipped out everything. We can't change the address. But they recommended I try to get in contact with the Canadian post to redirect the package. So I got in contact with them. They said nothing we can do So then I was kind of left with

Well you like what do I do? It's it's mailing I can track this order. I can see it slowly getting here I can try to contact the people that currently live in the house who I have no idea who they are or I could try to steal my package back because I'm not is that illegal I don't is that a crime if I'm stealing from myself oh I think the trespassing part is a crime that that is true that yeah trespassing but if I took a package addressed to you addressed to me because they have no idea it's coming if you saw someone sprint away from your front door with a package, and then they just turned around and yelled, it's mine, would you be like, oh, okay.

Just let them go? That's very suspicious. No, I see what you're saying. This is a weird situation. I had a similar thing the other day where I had some dog food delivered, and for whatever reason, the mailman came up to my door and he said, hey, man, I took your dog food to the neighbors. Sorry.

You can just go get it from them. And it's like a big ass bag of dog food, like probably 40 pounds or something. And so I walked over there and I was picking it up to bring it home. And I realized they have a ring camera. And I'm like, my neighbors think I'm stealing from them. And I was like, what do I do? So I stop and I look at the ring camera and I addressed it. And I said, hello.

I don't know if you can hear me. It's your neighbor there's my and then I like picked up the package and then I put the address and the name in front of the camera and then I thought I better hold it for a while in case it's wobbly and then I realized I had been I just been performing in front of their their uh their camera for like 45 seconds and I probably looked like a lunatic and if they hadn't called the cops on me for stealing a package, they definitely would for whatever nonsense they thought I was performing in front of them. I bet they were watching the footage like with the with the sound off and they're like, oh, he's taking he's taking our pack.

He's he's using the package to block the camera's view of his face. Now he's leaving. So allegedly you decided to steal your package from you from past you. Well, because honestly, what you just described, I'd rather die than have that whole situation. Or like, I don't know, the idea of stealing the package seemed easier than talking to the people that live there and explaining that I bought a bunch of Rocky II trading cards from Australia. It'll let me know if they show up. Were you just in the shrubs with binoculars waiting for the mail?

It's worse than that. Gavin, I am not an amateur. Okay. This is probably I looked at this is like this is might be the only Real heist I get the plan in my life because I live there so I knew where all the blind spots were Phase one is what Jeff said if you just show up that looks very suspicious Show up someone's door and look at a package. So I went to a Chinese restaurant the day before, grabbed as many takeout menus as I could. Because if they caught me... God damn, the prep phase.

Yeah, you gotta have a prep phase. If it's a plane, you gotta have a prep phase. If they caught me, I wasn't a guy taking a package. I was just a Chinese food delivery person leaving menus. I don't know if they do that. That's probably not something they do. But my head, that made sense.

That was like an advertisement. I was leaving advertisements for this restaurant. That was phase one. Then I kind of figured out where to park the car. And I enlisted my mom as the getaway driver because I needed someone who I could trust. Was she aware of the criminal activity that she was participating in uh like i explained the situation and she gave no fuck she was just like whatever you're an idiot sure i'll drive you here i have got to meet your mom someday

she is very lovely she's not sounds very patient extremely patient gavin also won't let me meet his mom we should do a podcast that's just our three moms talking. Talking about their ultimate f*** face was giving birth to us. What's disappointing about your son today? Well, let me tell you. Okay, so your mom's your getaway driver. She's now an accomplice. She's gonna go down for this.

I know she won't talk. I can rely on that. I feel pretty good about that. So we park the car. I get out. I leave the on that. I feel pretty good about that. So we park the car. I get out. I leave the door open because I'm planning on just, like, going quick. Also, I should mention that whenever there wasn't a post, like, we didn't have a mailbox when I lived there. So everything they would leave at the front door, or typically the Canada Post doesn't even deliver the package, they'll leave you a card that you take to the post office to grab your own package so i was assuming i'd find a card there so i i get out the car i tiptoe i do my moves it's very intense this is an exhilarating i don't know 10 feet that i walk

i get to the front of the house i panic i decide i don't want to go back the way i come i came so i start doing like hand signals to try to get my mom to loop the car around, get in the block a little bit. But she has no concept of what I'm trying to try to relay to her. It was a mess. So I'm just throwing hand signals for like 30 seconds. She eventually gets it. Being a reasonable person, she refuses to drive with the car door open.

So she gets out of her side, closes the door, and I'm freaking out about every noise. Loud car door slam, walks to my side, closes my door. Another slam. Your mom's freaking you out. Shit, the sounds. It can blow my cover. I'm deep, Gavin, at this point.

I'm in the heart of this move. I'm coming. I'm near the door. So she closes all the doors she drives down the block I get to the front door and there's nothing there I remember there's a mail slot into the door so if they had one of those little paper things they would have put in there and I was too scared to look knock on the door and say hi I used to live here that's a failed heist at that point. Do you have any baseball cards for me? Then I left.

That was my heist, but it was exhilarating. I almost, honestly, I considered it as a hobby. It was a lot of fun. There was a point where I thought, what if I just purposely mail things to other addresses near me and then try to retrieve them without getting caught? It was exhilarating. Meanwhile,

the local Chinese food restaurant is getting takeout requests through the roof. Business is booming. Can't figure it out. Or the cops come by and they're like, we told you last time, stop passing out flyers in the neighborhood. That's illegal. No unsolicited

flyers. And they're like, I swear to God, we stopped like a year ago. I have no idea how it got there. So what happened with the cards then? Did it ever get returned? Did you never get your Rocky II cards? I never. So I got eventually an email saying that it had been delivered.

And then I got another email about two weeks later saying, hey, if you don't grab this in like a week, we're going to send it back. And when I contacted the Australian store, they said, if it gets sent back, we'll just send it to you. No problem. Send it back. I thought, OK, that's not the worst case scenario. So they never claimed it. I never talked to the people that live there.

I get the email. It's going back. But then in the email for it going back, it says that the place is going to to Australia the company would have to like show an ID and collect it so I thought that that's not good so I reached out to the Australian post via Twitter and we started a beautiful friendship I I said like how can I confirm that I would need to be there with an ID and it wouldn't even be me so even if I decided to travel to Australia to get my rocky two cards I could not get them it would have to be Someone that represented the store that sent them would have to collect them

So Once I found that out I offered a bribe I said what if I mailed you guys like really nice chocolate so you just send them to me and It turned into this whole exchange for the that first was a joke I was like I'm not gonna send bullshit chalk I will send really nice chocolates if you guys somehow get this to me and I was like now I won't even they won't zero white no bullshit white chocolate And then there's like this whole exchange of like is white chocolate even chocolate, which I guess it isn't

I thought they were slamming white chocolate as a chocolate i guess white chocolate technically isn't chocolate wait what is it i have no idea but it's not non-chocolate i'll tell you a funny white chocolate story after this i don't know what it is but uh then like some other guy in their office was like hey i like white chocolate and i was like that guy's an asshole nobody likes tom right because he likes white chocolate the whole office ganged up on this one guy for liking white chocolate And I had this whole exchange with them and I eventually actually emailed them like a nice box of chocolates it took hours to get their address and Embarrassingly for them it never got to them

They were unable to give me a clear address to get to themselves the australian post failed at mailing something to them you didn't accidentally send them to that old house again did you no i did not double check that yeah they're terrible they couldn't deliver a package to themselves so somewhere is an entire box of autographed fucking Carl Weathers Rocky II cards. Yeah, probably with the buried E.T. Atari cartridges at this point. Oh, man. Somebody out there has it in for you in the postal service, somewhere in the global postal service, and is just fucking getting sticky chocolate hands all over your Rocky cards

right now and laughing, laughing, laughing. So how much money have you pissed away on these cards and now the chocolate? About $45. Chocolates were about the same price. They're old Rocky cards. They're not valuable at all. I don't know how the mail works, though. Like, I get anxiety about mailing anything.

I don't know how the mail works. How does it? No, I'm not... Okay. Before I get made fun of here, it's fucking wild that you could just put an address on somewhere and then send it to, like, a different country and it just shows up. How many hands that must exchange? You still have to wrap...

Like, you can't write an address on a shoe and just put it in the mailbox. You still have to, like, do some work. Well, you're talking about the, talking about the outer appearance of it. Like, mail a letter. You're just blown away in general about how you just leave something in a box and then it ends up on another continent. Yeah.

Like, if I wanted to mail, I don't know, a fucking banana to Australia, I could. And how much, like, how far it would travel and how much work would have to get done for that to happen. It just blows my mind. I wonder what they would take if it just had an address on it. Like, could you write in pen on a banana an address with the correct postage attached?

Would they just send the banana? Yeah. Maybe not a banana, but there was a thing on the internet a few years ago where, like, before YouTube and shit, thing on the internet a few years ago where like before youtube and shit somebody did like a a picture story you know like an old blog where they tried to send like wackier wacky stuff through the post office like can you send a two by four can you send a coconut and a lot of shit you can i think they were able to send a brick just with like the address tape to it you know my paranoia for like the address stuff it like i didn't i wasn't confident that i even knew my address here so i shipped the package to myself i didn't really need i just shipped one to confirm

that this is where i live you're just testing out the mail route yeah i wanted to make sure that if i sent a package it would get to my address because i have it confuses me the mail system seems very complicated one time i was at the mall this is seems very complicated. One time I was at the mall. This is my white chocolate story. One time I was at the mall, and this is during my first marriage. So I hadn't fucked up my first marriage yet, and then started and fucked up my second marriage. So this is way, way back. This is in the process of fucking up my first marriage.

And I went to the mall in Austin to get some chocolates or something for my first wife. And it was just like a gift. It was honestly, I, who can remember it was a hundred years ago. It was probably an apology if I, if I'm being honest. And, uh, I went to this little chocolate tier stand in the middle of the mall and there was a nice girl working there probably, you know, in her early twenties and she was just really chatty. So I was just kind of chatting with her and I was like, yeah, I'm picking out some chocolates for my wife or whatever. And she goes, well, do you know what she likes? And I was like, I think she likes white chocolate. I don't remember. I think she did. It's been so long ago. And the girl goes, why? We have some really good white chocolates. Although, you know what?

It's, I got to be honest with you. It's not real chocolate. And I go, excuse me? She goes, it's a big secret. Not everybody knows it. But yeah, white chocolate's not real chocolate. And I go, excuse me? She goes, it's a big secret. Not everybody knows it. But yeah, white chocolate's not actually chocolate. I don't know. And she explained the reason to me. I don't remember now because it's not important. What is important, though, is she's doing this whole list. And then I'm like, OK. And then she goes, yeah, white chocolate's my boyfriend's favorite, too.

He loves it. He can't get enough of the stuff. And I said, well, you should save the white chocolate's not really chocolate story for when you guys break up. And she goes, her face just fell. And she goes, why would you say that? And I go, what would I say? What? And she goes, do you think my boyfriend are going to break up? And I go, I don't know. And she goes, do you know my boyfriend? And I was like, no, I don't know either of you. I just, I don't know anything about you. And she goes, why would you say my boyfriend and I are going to break up? And I go, I don't know that you're and she goes why would you say my boyfriend and i are gonna break up and i go i don't know that you're gonna break up i'm just saying if you ever do hit him with

the white chocolate it's not real chocolate and rock his world and she goes i just i don't i don't know why you would say that and she just like turned away and i was like i guess i'm leaving now that was fucking brutal i felt so bad afterward i was like man I really ruined that lady's day and I did not mean to I was just I was just making a joke I feel like in your early life it was always a risk when you would interact with normal people just like regular humans regular job living their lives yeah making some enemies here and there I uh I used to be pretty bad about it i remember in high school my last one of my worst jobs in high school i was a dishwasher and i washed dishes for like the way the hierarchy at the fried chicken the local fried chicken fast food restaurant i

worked at worked in alabama was you started in the dishes and then you made your way up to cook and then you made your way up to front counter and that's where you got like an extra 25 cents or something and you didn't have to get fucking covered in grease and and like have your hands stripped with cleaner and all that stuff you just had to sell biscuits and chicken to people and i worked there for a year and a half and i demand i was like when do i like i had i had brought in buddies to like come get a job at this place and they got promoted past me pretty quickly to the point where all my friends worked at the place that I worked. But I got them all jobs. But they all were higher paid and in better positions than me.

And I finally went to the manager and I said, I want the front. You got to like, come on, man. I've been washing dishes for my entire life here. Let me take a crack at the front counter. And they let me work the front counter for two weeks. And they pulled me in and they said, we're putting you back on dishes. And I go, why? Did I screw up the till or something?

He goes, no, no, you got all the money stuff right. But I don't know how to say this. So I'm just going to be honest with you, Jeff. This guy's name was Keith, by the way. He was a real dipshit. But he was like, he goes, he's sitting in this fucking like lazy like this roller chair that leans back that was half broken looking at me like he's like the godfather some 38 year old dude managing 16 year olds at a fast food restaurant and he goes uh well the

thing about it is and you need to hear this you need to hear this for your life uh you make people uncomfortable and i go what do you mean and he goes customers don this, you need to hear this for your life. Uh, you make people uncomfortable. And I go, what do you mean? And he goes, customers don't like you. They complain about you constantly. They say you make them uncomfortable. They, uh, they don't, they, uh, you just, you weird them out. And I go, I just make jokes and stuff with them. And he goes, yeah, yeah, that's part of it. Uh, we don't give you jokes. I was like, okay okay and did any of these interactions ever register as like oh they're not gonna be happy with that or would they are you just like constantly completely oblivious i would get in fight i would get in fights with people all the time okay is there any like thought i'm just gonna follow like the like what do you want like i don't think

i've had a memorable conversation at a fast food place my entire life the concept that you're constantly getting in fights i don't even know how you get to a point where you could start a fight well in order here's the thing i had i didn't have as much of a filter when i was a kid and i was way more sarcastic than i am now and so the sarcasm was was the first problem but also, you know, especially when I was a kid, I just wanted to make myself laugh constantly. And so I would do it at their expense a lot. So I would make a lot, you know, I would just like, the customers would make me laugh.

They would like piss me off or do something dumb. And I would make them uncomfortable making fun of them. And so because of that, I got to wash a lot more dishes and I never got to do the front counter again. Even if somebody called in sick, they wouldn't put me on the front counter.

That's impressive. Like, because you think, like, how long does an order take? 15, 20 seconds? There's not a lot of time to offend someone. Like, unless you're opening with like, hey, dipshit, what do you want? That's a good point. That's actually, it's impressive to make someone uncomfortable that immediately after meeting them. I was a prick man

you know i was not i'm not gonna defend it and i'm not gonna say any of the things i probably would have said but i was just i was an obnoxious kid you know it's just the fact that you also that were clueless about it that like you could aggravate somebody within a 15 second window and then also be pulled and be like what's up like why why are we having this talk what is it they'd be like well like this guy had this issue with you and I go oh that was hilarious we had a we had a funny joke about that and they'd be like no you had a funny joke about that he was mad he wanted to punch you in the face and that's what I knew I knew that day that Keith didn't have a lot of faith in my future at the fried chicken restaurant but here's the thing you also you then went on i assume a lot later to work in

a call center and you actually were like quite good at your job by the sounds of it and had you got to management and all that stuff but were you not a sarcastic prick to people down the phone well so the difference between when i was 23 and i got a job at the call center and when I was 16 and working at the fast food restaurant was five years of the army. Oh, okay. Yeah. So the army beat a lot of, like physically beat a lot of sarcasm out of me and calmed me down quite a bit. So I learned how to handle it so that I could at least pay the rent. Let me say that.

And, you know, by the time I was 23, I had a wife and a mortgage and I couldn't afford to be a dick to customers. I wonder how post-Army Jeff would have gotten on with pre-Army Jeff. Not well. Would you have complained to the manager about yourself? I don't think so. But maybe today Jeff would though today Jeff would have zero patience for like 17 year old Jeff or 18 year old Jeff I would not I'd see him coming I'd be like

I'm not doing it I'm not doing all of them fucking I don't care if it's me I don't care about I don't care I'm me I can't deal with me it's too much he was he was a prick all right so it's it's time this is the part this is the part that we get. We nail it. Every episode I'm learning is the outro. So here we go. We got some gentle coaching from Eric. It's time to end the podcast.

We're going to do it smoothly. This has been a f*** face. A f*** face production. I have been your f*** facer, Jeff Ramsey. With me, as always always Gavin free and Andrew Pitt That's like the beginning of face. No Turn up market this week. Oh my god And my fucking girlfriend sister has 359 today dude

White white chocolate is not a chocolate. I'm late for a meeting now. White chocolate doesn't contain, it doesn't contain chocolate solids. That's why it's not chocolate. But keep it to yourself because you'll break up relationships. It's not good. You'll end friendships. White chocolate's not

something to fuck around with. Also, shout out to white chocolate. One of the best passers in the history of the nba yeah uh oh hey if you like this podcast this is do a review thing uh eric said that people everybody should review it and review all of the faces that they did in their life or something and give six stars out of five and uh tell all of your friends and enemies and teachers and people that you run if you ever have a bad experience at a fire at a fast food restaurant tell them about face follow eric on twitter no you don't have to do it here hang on just a second did you just end the recording

hey guys if you could if you give me two seconds i'm just wrapping up this other podcast um so i'll be in this meeting in two seconds. I'm just letting you know, I just wanted to jump right in. Okay. There you go. So very late for this meeting. Thanks guys.

All right. Let's see. See you guys next week. Oh, if you go to church, tell, tell God, whatever your God is,

if it's any of them, just tell your God about face. We really want to get him involved or her. Uh, maybe there'll be a guest someday. We can talk about all the terrible things they've done to me in my life. And then the end. You really started at the top.

If you shave your beard, is it a new beard or a continuation of the old beard? Guys. Is it a new beard? Guys. If you shave your beard, is it a new beard? It's a new beard. What do you think, Eric? Thanks for listening.

Goodbye. Bye, Eric? Thanks for listening. Goodbye. Bye, Eric. Bye, Eric. Man, now that Eric's gone, you want to keep going? Yeah, what do you guys want to talk about?