Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #11 - Sketch Pitches & Cracks are Back

Episode Date: April 12, 2024

Sarah Sherman joins the show to give her take on "SNL Ugly" and react to sketch pitches for this week's show with Ryan Gosling. Then the guys get into the headlines, ranging from 99c stores going out of business to voluntary dismemberment. Submit advice questions to [e-mail] Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code [SUPERFLY] at https://www.shopmando.com! #mandopod #sponsored To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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When they say, oh, these girls are funny, but are they pretty? It's like, no, they are and they're funny. So I like girls that are a little lighter on their feet. Women, you're not even supposed to say women anymore. You're supposed to say elderly women. You're supposed to say, take it out.

I'm gonna take it out. Sarah, what are you wearing to the eclipse? I think I'm gonna wear a giant disco ball. Again? Again? It's black, it's a black tie of hair. It's the eclipse in LA and it's a fucking bust because it's not even any darker,

it's not even anything and everyone's so ramped up like it's Coachella. It's 40% clip. That's it. 40%. Do you want, here's a fun fact. The moon, the sun is 400 times larger than the moon, but it's 400 times further from Earth, and that's why the moon can block it.

I was just saying that. I was thinking it. Blocking out the sun, I didn't realize my wife was gonna be leaving the house. That's pretty good. Sarah, wait, what was I gonna ask you also? God dang it. Oh, you know what?

The eclipse feels like the only thing that you can, it's like saying you want to go to the Super Bowl, but you can't watch it, you have to look the other way. It's like, why are people driving the length of the eclipse? New York, you're supposed to be pitch black by now, according to my calculations. Are you not? I'm like totally confused.

I feel like I'm afraid to look out the window because I don't know what I'm supposed to see. I'm also like, is it,, didn't Trump literally stare right into it and he was fine? I think that was the rumor, yeah. He just got, he just got, he just got oranger. He just got a really good tan. Millennia's tits got big.

We looked at it. You know, no, but all kidding aside, it's dangerous. I think you're not supposed to even look out the window. Wait, I'm literally looking out the window. I mean, I'll put on my sunglasses, because now you're scaring me. Yeah, you can't even be in your house. You shouldn't be in your apartment. Shit!

Are you trying to walk with your laptop? I'm walking. Well, I want wanna find my sunglasses because now you guys are like freaking me out for some reason. There you go. Okay, I feel better. Are you safe? I'm sorry for feeling how big your tie is.

I feel better. It's my new tie. Oh, that's hip. That's still Diane Keatney. It's cool, isn't it? My friend Celeste, writer on the show, got it for me for my birthday. I think ties on women are hot.

Why, thank you. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Sarah, do you have in your house what I sent you for your birthday? Literally, yeah, but my boyfriend's in a meeting in the room where the cookie is No, you don't have to I said the cookie I didn't eat it You know Sarah that was from plot thing one of the road gigs We did in my room and I said I had a present for you and I never gave it to you

So I kept it that whole time Well, there it is. Look at that And look what else he sent me. Ten dollar bill. This is your boyfriend? You didn't spend it? No, I sent it for her birthday. No, my boyfriend David Spade.

Oh, oh, this boyfriend. This surrogate boyfriend in a pinch. These are all my... Are you in a meeting right now? My boyfriend's hard at work. Look, these are all the dolls people make of me on tour. You do have an eclectic... Wow.

You guys look... My boyfriend's hard at work. Look, these are all the dolls people make of me on tour. You do have an eclectic... You guys look... Wow. Peewee Sherman. Cool. That's cool. I like to do it. No one's making Peewee Carvey.

You have great fans. I know. I just get an attack. I don't have that many, but they're strong. They're small, but mighty. I just love them. I just have Garth bobbleheads. Can I get one more? Can I get five more? Can I get 10 more? Cut it out, dude. Fuck you. And then they start to fight.

Just Garth, that's it. Dana, let's get to the important matter at hand, which is one girl on TikTok saying something about SNL girls, and then we all talk about it forever. It's pretty funny. Yeah, okay, here we go. Sarah, give us your strong opinion about it, whatever that is.

Here's the thing. Here's what, wait, let me make sure that the human hand is in the background. So, I'll take my glasses off for this. That's important. Literally, like, what, what, what is she smoking? Mm-hmm. Like, some of the most beautiful, I can't, what?

It's like, listen, I'm not funny, but I'm good looking. You know what I mean? Like... You're right. The women that she's talking... Like, she brings up women who are, like, literally drop dead, ba-ba-ba-boom, da-da-da, gorgeous.

And I was mad at myself for tweeting. I shouldn't have fucking said fucking anything because she said some shit for attention. And then I was sitting on the train. Well, I woke up in the morning, and anything because she said some shit for attention. And then I was sitting on the train. Well, I woke up in the morning and everyone texted me. I woke up to, none of my friends care if I live or die. But then I woke up to like a hundred texts

from my friends being like, ha ha ha ha, look at this, LOL. And so I was like. LOL means fuck you by the way, when people text me that. They're like, did you see this? Ha ha, and you're like, just sitting on the train. LOL means fuck you by the way, when people text me that, they're like, did you see this, aha. And you're like, it's not really LOL, it's more like, I want you to see this. Yeah, no, exactly. Like, one time I woke up to text from my friend,

there was like a Reddit thread, I had like opened for a band in Central Park in 95 degree heat in the summer, and then there was like a whole Reddit thread of like teenagers telling me that I'm so unf fucking tweeted it and I immediately regretted tweeting it because it's like, she just want, that's what people want, they just want attention for once they get it.

Yeah, it's a tricky one because it's like, I don't know, I just fucking tweeted it and I immediately regretted tweeting it because it's like, she just want, that's what people want, they just want attention for once they get it. Yeah, it's a tricky one because it's like, I don't know, I just fucking tweeted it and I immediately regretted eating it because it's like, she just wanted, that's what people want. They just want attention for once they get it.

Yeah, it's a tricky one because if you protest too much, it's sort of like, hey, wait a minute, we are good looking, you know? I know, and I didn't want it to come across as like defensive or like... Yeah. And then people thought like I was legitimately upset. And I'm like, no, I'm just, I woke up like ready to say

something hilarious about grieving ugly. Ugly was maybe the funniest thing I heard last week. Yeah. It was so funny. And ugly does not, it's not out there a lot, that word. And I like it. I don't think I've ever heard it. It's a new word. That's why I did it. I felt compelled to bring a new word into the lexicon,

but ultimately I wish I didn't say anything because then it just made it a bigger deal. No, it's great. That's why we're calling you about it. It's totally gone away, that's why we're calling you about it. It's totally gone away. That's why we're calling you about it. Well, also I'm like, this got more attention than it's been like every time I tweet, every time I tweet like, every time I tweet like,

hey, everybody check out this sketch that I made with my friends. Boo. Out of the hilarious. It gets like two and a half likes. Block the love. And like, yeah. Block, delete, unfollow, report. out of the hilarious. It gets like two and a half likes and like... Yeah.

Yeah. Block, delete, unfollow, report. Yeah. Yeah, by the way, I just saw happenstance, I saw, I think there's a delay on me, I think I saw Kristen Wiig, her monologue, what a stunner. I mean, just off the top of my head, forget it and who cares?

Already, there's so many combo platters on that show of just really pretty and hilariously funny. Funny's harder. You can't go get surgery to be funnier. I mean, it's really... Hey, wait a minute. Is it okay for funniness to add to a person's hotness, not just men, but women as well.

Because women will say, I like a man who's funny, but what about a man who likes women that are funny? Yeah. Have to be. Yeah, that's a, like, Rodney Dangerfield is like the hottest guy who ever lived. Is he, was he a looker? Yes.

Uh... To me, yeah. Yeah. No, you're right, you're right. The metric is so crazy. Oh, I tell ya, I'm hot, Johnny, I'm hot. I're right, you're right. The metric is so. Oh, I tell you, I'm hot, Johnny, I'm hot. I tell you, I'm hot. All he goes like me.

Oh, so I have, that's my worst impression. I get too much respect, too much respect entirely. Every time a photographer sees me, he takes a picture. Every time a woman sees me, she takes my pants off. I tell you, I get a lot of respect. How does she take your pants off? I mean... I'm stressed always, Dana, and I want to eat stress-free.

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It's good, it's just not. So when they go, there's push broccolini like it's broccoli. It is not. It's good, it's just not. So when they go, there's your broccolini. Yeah, I don't like it. Well, we shouldn't say we don't like it for this ad, right? It's just different. Yes, it's not. A lot of people like it better. No fuss, no must meals, factor meals,

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We got right. Yeah. Do you guys have any pictures for me? I have one for you. Would I think you would be the perfect person to do it? I think Ryan would be the perfect. It's nothing really original. You can go. It's just you're a scientist and he's like a head, just a disembodied head. She loves it already. And he's a little sarcastic and you start, you kind of abuse him, you just slap him. Shut your freaking mouth.

You know, that kind of thing. And then he's gonna break. He will have to break. You save the slaps. They get really hard on air. And he's gonna break and then you have a two million banger on YouTube. And then bada bing, bada boo. Okay, he's a head. I love this. But he's a head.

He's a disembodied head, and he's mouthing off, right? And he's going like... And you're like, shut... Hey, you're like, you shut your fucking head. You know, shut your freaking head. And you slap him. Every time he gets sassy. And he keeps mouthing off and he keeps going like,

how come none of the women on SNL are funny, or hot or funny or whatever? And then I go, you keep talking like that, I'm gonna sew this head on a chicken's body. Yeah. And that's the end, you just got to a frame of that. No, but then he stands up out of the table and he already has a chicken body on.

Womp, womp. That's funny. Yeah, he comes out of the box at the end of the scene to walk to the next one and he's in a chicken outfit. And you're like, oh, I forgot to do the ending. So anyway, I think you being kind of playfully abusive, he's a head, so, and he's kind of sass him off. You make a head to make the perfect man,

and then you're only at the head part, and then he already starts mouthing off. You're like, don't make me come across this lavatory. You stop talking. I'm not even done with you yet. And then you go, you know what? I am done with you. BLAIR I have another one. He plays a guy with a foot fetish. Go ahead.

You're on a restaurant with him. He's really handsome, nice guy, but he has a foot fetish. I wanna go on right after my log. Go ahead. You're on a restaurant with him. He really a handsome, nice guy, but he has a foot fetish. So he keeps dropping things and going around the table and like just going off on your feet. I had got nothing about that. Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no, keep going. Okay, he has a foot fetish. He keeps dropping things to whatever. Just rub your feet, kiss your feet.

And then I actually, then, okay, so then I actually start eating with my feet at the table. Yes, and he proposes marriage. Okay, one more. He's, you're at like- Wait, I have one more pitch on that sketch. I wanna hear it, it's your show. I'm just trying to help you.

I won't be there on Saturday. It's a foot fetish restaurant. So there's a waiter who comes and serves you food at the table level. But then there's a foot waiter who serves your feet, foot. Feet, your foot, your feet, food at the foot level. Your feet's bombing over here. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. Okay, keep going, keep going, keep going. Also- No, I like that. I just thought, okay, go going, keep going, keep going. No, I like that. I just thought, okay, go ahead, David. I have another one. At the table, there's a little slit on his side, so you put your foot up right in front of him.

So when you're sitting there, you put your foot straight up and it's right closer to him in the table, then he can sit down and kind of kiss it. And then you pull it out. Okay, wait, wait, wait. What about this? He shows up for a date.

Nothing's weird. Nothing is strange. And then I go to sneeze. I go, I chew, reveal my hand is actually a foot. And he likes that. Oh yeah, that's not bad. And my feet are actually hands. Oh, he goes down there and he finds out

your feet are hands and then he hates them. And then he goes back up and he goes, oh no, your hands are feet. And there's little faces on the feet and then they all talk. You already did that with the hot dogs or whatever. My ideas are too normal. I have one more that's physical.

Jesus. It's a nightclub. You're gonna dance with Ryan Gosling. Oh, that guy's so good looking, whatever. And he starts dancing and then just in a little bit of time, he gets real close and then he starts to strangle you and you're like, what the fuck, what are you doing? And he goes, I'm just doing the strangle.

It's a dance, come on, let's go, let's dance. You go, all right, and then he dances, then he starts to strangle you. I have nothing else. Okay, love it, love it. I just love it. Love it, and then I started doing the trip. I stick my foot out and he trips over it.

Yeah. And then we both go get like so world famous from the dance moves we invented that like literally I get killed. And then someone goes, that was the other new dance move. All right, mine are more for the Monday meeting that you don't write. Okay, this is-

Oh, fake ones. Yeah, fake ones. That'll never get produced. Fake ones that just cause there's not, they're not weird enough for Sarah, but they're just sort of stupid. You say, it's a gritty cop show set in New Orleans, and you all play gritty cops. And in the Monday morning gritty meeting,

everyone has a different New Orleans accent. It's all bad. So everyone says their accent is wrong. And then, cause I just played New Orleans, and I said New Orleans accent. It's all bad. So everyone says their accent is wrong. And then, because I just played New Orleans, and I said New Orleans on stage, and they go, "'Boo.'" And I go, "'Would it be worse if I came up here and went, "'Nilens?'' Like, I'm trying to really blend in."

That would be insane. Yeah. And then I said, "'No, is it New Orleans?' And they're like, "'Don't say every fucking letter in it.'" I'm like, "'Well, that's what it's spelled.'" And then, so I had to go, I had to find a happy medium, go New Orleans. And then there was a couple ways to go with that.

Then you just get it down to I-ions, I-ions. Yeah, I'm from I-ions. Even drop the nouns. And someone just goes, does a Chinese accent. Just, and then they're like, you're way off. And so, okay, that's- Do you guys actually, do you wanna workshop the pitch

that I was actually gonna do today? Yeah, kick it out. Yes. Okay, just tell me if this is good. So maybe everyone thinks that you went blind from the eclipse because you show up to work dressed like me and you go, oh, I thought all these things matched. That's your excuse because you went blind

or the people went blind? No, I'm sorry. Okay, so I'm pitching around and gossiping. I'm looking like this, okay? And I go, maybe you show up to work dressed like this in the sketch and everyone thinks that you went blind looking at the eclipse. Okay, because you look so stupid.

Because you dressed yourself so poorly, clearly you can't see. Yep, I like it. And clearly the joke was so good that I had to repeat it twice to kind of get the- Yeah, now can you orientate me in the room? Where's he sitting during this pitch? Well, I thought the sunglasses were Ray Charles' thing.

I thought you were going with the sunglasses. No. Oh, that's good. Here's a weekend update bit for you, ready? You show the weather report, you go, speaking of eclipses, I have a real beef with the sun right now. And then they go, oh, what's that?

And then you go, here's a weather report, it's sunny all week and the sun has sunglasses, and you go, why would the sun have sunglasses? The only thing that doesn't need sunglasses, it's going that way. Does anyone understand me? Why is no one talking about this? Why are we trying to bury these stories?

Why am I, do you think I'm a, do you think I'm a conspiracy theorist? This is fucking classic. All right, well we got your whole show written. Bowen did the iceberg and now you have a lot of cast members things on their head and stuff. Oh, but yeah, you go out as a son with sunglasses and go, what was everyone's problem? Okay. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. I got one. I got one.

No one's going anywhere. Go ahead. Okay. We have nothing else to do. Buckle up. Put your helmets on. Put your sunglasses on. You go, the son from the teletubbies is played by a baby. Um, I'm sorry, doesn't the sun actually pre-exist planet Earth? Why would it be played by a baby?

Seems a little young. Yeah, you know, you have a lot of sun facts. You go, Colin, I'll hit you with another one. Yeah, I mean, you're fucking reeling from this one, but guess what? Why does the sun wear sunglasses? You go, there's a lot of things you with another one. Yeah, I mean, you're fucking reeling from this one, but guess what? Why does the sun wear sunglasses? You go, there's a lot of things

that people aren't talking about right now, and there's a lot of things that are, everyone's sweeping under the rug. The eclipse, really, the sun doesn't do jack shit, to be honest. The moon does all the work. Does the sun know it's been eclipsed, and does it care?

Is it offended? Is it profiling? What is it? Just do a New York accent as the sun, you know? I didn't even know what was going on. I can't even see you guys. What? Oh.

Oh, you have a question? Yes, yes, Sarah. Sarah. I'm raising my hand. Go ahead. Okay, so I know the earth is flat, but is the sun? I mean, she's got those big knockers she couldn't possibly be.

What knockers? What? No, I know where you're going. I get it. The sun is stacked. Stacked, when does stacked go out? She's really stacked. Is that 1968 or something?

What happened to Bazongas? People just say big tits or boobs. Yeah, it's lazy. It's lazy. Offensiveness. My mom and my grandma, my aunt call them bubbies. Bubbies. Like when I turned 15, I grew bubbies. Let's look at a clip. How about this? Ryan Gosling is Hunter Biden.

He looks like I'm kind of in a hot tub doing a talk show from a hot tub. And he has strippers in the tub with him and the guests have the guests have to come in the water with him. And you guys all smoke. Yeah. I mean, what do you guys have there? Yeah, it's just physical and silly. You want Ryan to be ridiculous. Ryan is good looking.

What if it's Barbie and Ken in the future and they run into each other and it's gone south for one of them? You think it'd be open to Barbie and Ken stuff? Or maybe not want to... It fucking better be. He's like, please, let's not talk about the most obvious thing in the world. You know what's funny about Dana's pitch about making him break?

It just made me think, it's so funny, anytime a host is like, oh my God, I love this sketch. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do it with a straight face, I'm totally gonna break. That's always when they never break. And they cut it quietly after dress. Their expectations are so high and they don't realize they're gonna do it

six times before air. That's why this one has a secret Easter egg that you'll do these little slaps all week and then they'll get, and on the air show, it's a little Chris Farley. You bring out a two by four. And you really slap him too hard in the audience, and he knows it, and he's like, that'll break him.

Or you take a little of his lines. Or you start making out with him. Yeah, I can hold this in his mouth. At the end, that's it, you say, oh, to hell with it, I'm sorry, slap him. Excuse me? Damn it, I'm in love with you. And then you just grab his head and start forcing,

kissing him, there you go. You go, I'm changing the sketch in the middle. I'm just going to make out with you for 10 minutes. And he's like, where are you head? I'm in love with you head. And then you start making out with him. We have to let Sarah go to go to her laundry. So let's, let's we have one advice question that we do on the show.

Someone we don't know asking for advice. Will you just stay and help answer? It'll take you five seconds. Okay, this is a question. Oh, he's a younger guy. Let me put my glasses on. Yeah, you should. Okay.

He might sneak in an eclipse and. Hi, Dana and David. I need advice. I am getting married soon. I'll be 21 at my wedding, so I'll say I'm 21 now. Oh, whoa. And I need to know how to keep my wife thinking that I'm 21 now. Oh, whoa. And I need to know how to keep my wife thinking that I'm funny forever.

Because she thinks I'm funny now and that's one of the major things I have going for me. So I'd appreciate your feedback and thank you. That's a good question, Sarah. Uh, hmm. That's like, that's actually really, as someone who's never made a host break, hmm, let me think, let me think.

How do you stay funny? How do you stay funny from rehearsal to from run through to dress to air? How do you stay funny through 50 years of marriage? Yeah, I can't stay funny. Well, first of all, it's a re-drill. Yeah, you're right. You only wanna be just as funny to keep the sketch moving through the machine to get to air,

but you wanna make sure on air for Ryan, it's all different. This thing, unfortunately, is coming out Friday, so if you actually go with this sketch, we'll cut this from our podcast and show it on the follow-up, because it will ruin everything if you want to do it. I know that you and maybe Dan would do something,

you know, you would do your thing with it. You can take any nugget, German, whatever idea you want. Just Ryan's head with you control. Ryan is a head and you is the scientist. And then we break the fourth wall and all the... Carvey, Sherman, Bulla. All the cast members walk in and just make out with him while he's stuck there during the sketch.

And maybe a few contest winners. Before Sarah goes, I want to do a five-second impression. Well, we really dumped this kid off, didn't we? This advice? I think that's... No, I said, element of surprise. Well, I would say I've been married for multiple decades, and I'm funnier to my wife now than I was before. Because you get just sillier. That's an element of surprise. Well, I would say I've been married for multiple decades, and I'm funnier to my wife now than I was before,

because you get just sillier. I would say don't worry about it. If you truly have a funny aspect to you, it's like gum on your shoe. Did you ever go through phases where you're like, I don't know how to do this? You can't get rid of it. So if he's truly funny, he'll be fine.

That's my honest advice. I agree with Dana. If you have the sauce, you have the sauce, girl. If you don't have the sauce, then you don't have the sauce. Yeah. And if you- And that I say. And people always worry about, will my partner get unattractive over time?

It's like, this guy's worrying, will I not be funny over time? It's a good thing to think about, because he wants to be attractive to his partner by being fun and funny. And I think if you want to, you're always trying to... You've turned it up a few percentages for someone you're with, because it's fun with them.

You have a good back and forth. I like that Sarah referred to him as girl, just affectionately. It's very British. You listen to me, girl, you know? You're funny. You listen to me, bird. Listen know? You're funny. Can you listen to me, bird? Listen, little girl. Okay, here's...

If there's an aftershock today at the read-through meeting, this is Lorne Michaels. Sarah, do you have anything for Ryan? Um, interesting. There's a tremor. Oh, it's a little bit of a tremor. It's that thing of like, everybody go find a desk. Um, well, there's only one desk. It's going little bit of a tremor. It's that thing of like everybody go find a desk.

Well, there's only one desk. It's going down again. That's awesome. Here's my here's my impression of the they're recording the the intros during the aftershock. OK. She's got it. And you're and your host, Ryan Gosling.

Here's Lauren. That's it. What the fuck? That's my that's my just mine is like quick one. Sarah jump on me and save me from breaking my bones Job you should jump and tackle him and go Lauren. Are you okay? And he goes Sarah there was nothing's wrong you thought I heard a tremor And then you just show as an excuse to attack him Okay, we'll let her go you've got to go right with with Bula. Yeah. Bula, Bula. Bula.

Yeah. Bula, Bula. All right. Can you text him for me and tell him I'll be a bit late? Because of us? Because of our shenanigans? Yeah. Mando. You know what Mando is Dana? It's a whole body deodorant.

You know this. Oh yeah, I'm glad you wanted to talk about that. It's clinically proven to control BO. We all know a lot of you with BO. And I'm not saying all my drivers. It's just human. 72 hours. 72 hours.

No. Do I need 72 hours of auto control? Well, I do, but not everyone does. One application goes for 72 hours. Lamborghinis can go 220 miles an hour. Is it necessary? No. Okay, let's do it again.

Is it necessary? Is it necessary? No. No, it's a nice feature, right? Like you, yesterday you needed to drive 220 miles an hour. Yesterday I was trying to get from point A to point B. I had people, I was delivering a package and the people had to leave and their guns were not,

well, no, it was not that. But yeah, I could have used that speed. Mando's doctor developed formula stops odor at the source. So pits, for example, my pits, package, they talk about packages down there, and feet smell great all day. And the next day, and the next day. Should I need it?

I mean, there's times. Should I need it? You say that. Should I need it? No. Do you want it? Do you want it? Do you want it? Yes.

Yeah. That was good. So if you're on a long car trip with somebody who's not showered that morning, you came out of Motel 11 and they decided not to do a little quick cleanup, it's hard to tell someone, hey, hey, really?

Come on, dude. I've had that happen. We took, yeah. Yeah, I've had that happen recently. You and I drove Torino once and it was like, woo. But you didn't have Mando, so it's fine. I'm not gonna judge it. I always thought something like this

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Grundle. There's a special on PBS about it tonight. Belly buttons. Do they get reeky, I guess. Butt cracks, stinky crevices, stomach folds, and feet. Get down in the Chattahoochee Canal. Jesus Christ, you know. Going for that area between the bottom of your anus and feet. Get down to the Chattahoochee Canal. Jesus Christ, you know.

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Shopmando.com. That's code superfly at S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com. I had to learn- Hey, que pasa? Ah, hey! Que pasa? Is that what they say when you walk into sushi? That's what's happening in Spanish.

Que pasa? Que pasa, David Ospiro? I had difficulty learning German in high school. It's a very tough language. I did it through textbooks and a teacher. I would have rather had Rosetta Stone. You know, you not being able to learn German is very, very interesting. But stupid.

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You want to hear some? Yeah, the big ones. Spanish, French. Oh, Spanish, French, Italian, German, Korean, Chinese, Chinese. Careful. Italian. German. Korean. Chinese. Chinese. German.

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No English translation, so you really learn to speak, listen, and you think in the language, Dana. That's the hard part. No, I do like their process, the intuitive process. Picks up a language naturally, first with words, then phrases, then sentences. It's designed for long-term retention, David, because we all took Spanish in high school

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You're not even supposed to say women anymore. You're supposed to say elderly women. You're supposed to say. Well, my sister, who's, yeah. You're supposed to say. I remember she's, she says stuff like you got to admit. Sorry, I can't hear you. I said take it out because it just sounds, I was trying to do a stupid joke, it sounds bad. Oh, sorry, I can't hear you. I said take it out because it just sounds,

I was trying to do a stupid joke, it sounds bad. Oh, sorry. Go ahead, bud. My sister always says, and she's in her 60s, she said about Ryan Gosling, she always says, you gotta admit he's really good looking. Just a funny figure of speech in the beginning. She goes, you gotta admit, Dane, he's really good looking. You gotta admit figure of speech in the beginning. She goes, you gotta admit, Dane,

he's really good looking. You gotta admit, I mean, no one can admit. You gotta admit, I mean, well, yeah. I said on the podcast or somewhere, when people say, you're actually kind of cute, the actually is in all caps. And so I would say it now when people DM me if they want attention, they go, you're actually kind of cute. The actually is in all caps. And so I would say it now when people DM me if they want attention, they go,

you're actually kind of hot. And then I go, oh, this is like a thing that I said. And then I'm supposed to go, oh, arf, arf, am I really? Your hair looks good today. I know. I know, you said I know so fast. Did I, did I mutter I know? Yeah, I think you did. It's not that hard. You were saying I know to something else and I mutter I know? Yeah, I think you did.

It's not that hard. You were saying I know to something else and I said your hair looks good, right? You said that. Well, I have a protocol. It's pretty consistent. A protocol. That's what your hair care system is called.

Dana Carvey's protocol. Color looks good. Well, once I got rid of the bangs, I mean, the bangs, you have to arrange them and do all this work with bangs. No, bangs are- And then once you just went back like that, then it's like, okay, hello, Sally. By the way, I think in all my dating experience, no girl's ever said, I'm looking for a guy with bangs.

Bangs is sort of, oh, you are? I know, but Paul McCartney kinda has bangs. You know, Jeff Beck, God rest his soul, had bangs. Yeah bangs. Jager has bangs. Maybe they're back, I don't know. I sorta like them, so. Well, long hair.

Let me tell you what's going on briefly. When I'm in traffic, and this is not even funny because I have such a bad temper. When I'm in traffic, and this is not even funny because I have such a bad temper, when I'm in traffic, and you might think of this, when I let someone in, my precious spot in traffic, when they're trying to merge, and they don't wave to me, you're lucky I don't have a gun in the car because I, you have, what happened to waving? No one, no one gives, I do it all the time.

I go, hey man, just to defuse being gunned down because I know how infuriating it is. So I go, hey man, I even go, with the window, get a little out there because I want them to know, okay, you know, because I know it makes me so mad. I'll follow them if they don't wave, waiting for a wave, minimum 100 miles. Going, I'm sure you forgot, but I'm here

whenever you're ready. And they don't care. All right. I like to hear about your etiquette. Here's a question for you. On receiving or the attack mode, you're at a stoplight, there's a car in front of you, it turns green, they don't start moving. You know they're checking their phone.

When do you blast on the horn? One second, two second, give them three seconds. And then sometimes you blast them, right? And then they flip you off. Even though you're just reminding them to get the fuck going. Now you're stuck. Because are you a pussy? Do you do anything? Do you just eat it? Now what? Even though you're just reminding them to get the fuck going. Now you're stuck.

Because are you a pussy? Do you do anything? Do you just eat it? Yeah. Or do you have to ram them? What about when you're on the phone and then you realize you look up, it's green, and you didn't move?

Well, in LA, people don't know this. You have to time out your beep when it turns green. So it goes, green ain't! Because people are like, fuck, I literally, it hit my eye that it turns green. So it goes, green! Because people are like, fuck, I literally, it hit my eye that it's green. And now I'm going, and it took too long. Guess it. Guess it. Well, I have a horn setting that it ramps up.

So even when it's red, it's starting to rumble. Meee! And then bite it, meee! Meee! Yes, meee! That's it's a digital thing. Listen, how about this? Hello, sharks. Why don't we have a horn that's a friendly one,

like a little thing on top of it, and it goes meep. That just means, come on, just letting you know. It's time to go. You know, it's not a full meep. Meep. Meep. You know, like, by the way, in a non-related story,

my land cruiser has the pussiest beep. It goes like this. Meep. And it's so, when I'm so mad, I go, meep, meep. You almost can't hear it. Dogs are like this. So that's why I want to switch the horn to like, meee. I really want it to be angry, like people go,

oh shit, I did something wrong. I've never, I don't use the horn. I just roll down the window and go, egg! Move it! Fat face. You don't say fat fuck? I like fat face.

I don't want to swear on this podcast. Oh, I know. I'll take care of that. Okay. Okay, move on. I'll take care of that. Okay. Okay, move on. What's our first story? And then we'll get off the phone because we're already long. First story is about... Okay. Here it comes.

Mm-mm. Oh, what is this? Massive? Oh, Dana, remember I was saying it took a turn the other day? Right. That actually doesn't have anything to do with this. This is just another boat where all the power went out. It didn't do anything, but maybe there's something to it if they lost control of their ship again. So maybe that is someone electrically, and I don't want to talk too much lingo here, someone electrically, and I don't wanna talk too much lingo here,

someone electrically through the protons. Oh, I gotcha. A force field, someone from another country, practicing. Yeah, someone can shut off your power, and then it makes you, you're gonna crash into something eventually. All right, is there anything to that? Oh, look at how low I am in the screen.

There I go. So yeah. I'm kinda interested. It's definitely interesting. That happened twice. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, I need a lot more information to have an opinion.

Okay, I'm just giving you this. Now, we'll go to the 99-cent store one. That's a really, this is a hard-hitting story. I love 99-cent stores. Yes. Even if I'm on a budget, I'll pass them, and if you wait long enough, you'll hit a 98-cent store. So, it's smart. But these 99-cent stores were everywhere,

and they're all closing. And you know what I saw in one, Dana? A, uh, the weirdest thing I saw was the early pregnancy test. This is for a girl in a regular pharmacy going, I think I'm pregnant, but I'm not spending more than a buck to find out. I'll just wait. It'll figure itself out.

And I'm well, I just I'm I don't like the 99 cent store because I loaded up on the dollar store stock. Oh, you did. And came in and completely obliterated the dollar stores. At least half of them closed within a week. And there's rumors of a 98 cent store, but I don't know if it's true. Are people waiting for a 98 cent store?

They're sitting on their cash going a dollar's too much? I just wanna remind the audience, these are not pre-planned bits. These are not ready by professional writers for weeks. These are just... Yeah, I did not... Yes. Yeah, so I'm kind of sad because this is I think a lot of people go to these

Including me and dollar store. It's just good to have I mean, let's be honest. Not one thing in there is 99 cents I think we sort of we sort of gave that up a while ago, but it's still it's it's less expensive And I don't know it just sounds good like mo. Yeah, do you remember Motel 6? Did you have those where you grew up? What's that six dollars now? It's less expensive. And I don't know if I need that. It just sounds good. Do you remember Motel 6? Did you have those where you grew up? Was that $6? And now it's like, it was, yeah, $5.95. When we were driving to Montana, seven of us in a station wagon, Motel 6, it was $6.

I didn't know that for sure. We did not know what that meant. I did not, I thought it meant six. Yeah, I don't know. No, it was $6. I don't know when it went to $600, but yeah, look it up. What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say?

What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say?

What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say?

What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? What else did you say? was like this big, and the bed was like this big. It was really good for tiny people, but yeah, it was pretty low. But it had TV.

You know, when I got my call, this is kind of a lie, but when I got my call about SNL, I was home at Easter, and I just started staying in hotels, and I stayed at Motel 6, and I got the call in the room, in the one on Scottsdale Road. And I, and I, I would, I would, the bigger story is, I should have been staying at home. But you know, my mom gets up at 430 and she starts clanking pans and so, and I'm on the couch.

So I said, I'm gonna treat myself to a Motel 6. And that has a strong memory for me of writing down a Kenny Mong deal of whatever I was, you know, gonna do for four shows at the end of the season. Ken A. Mong deal of whatever I was gonna do for four shows at the end of the season. Interesting. Great story, everyone just went to sleep, we spiked down.

Okay, oh. No, we like David with no money, that guy. This is a weird story. You know what I mean? Canadian man has- I have not seen this. I saw this and I just sent this in. Canadian man has two healthy fingers amputated

because he identifies as disabled. Now, this has to offend disabled people. I mean, this, just seeing it, it looks like a little bit of that Joder, you know, when you go like this, but I don't think that's what he's going for. Why would a surgeon do it? Who would do it? Right? Yeah. Um, I mean, it's his wishes. I have no take. I have no take other than I'm perplexed. Yeah. All right, young man. Uh, let's see if we have gangrene or some kind of infection on these digits. Well, they're perfectly healthy. Perfect.

Cut them anyway, doc. What? I said cut them. He's got like a Junior John Wayne. Slice them. Slice them good. But there's nothing wrong with them. I identify as fingerless bitch. Oh my God. That's all I got. I would say just go to Fourth of July

and try to not get your fingers blown off with firecrackers for about three times. And the third one, it'll probably happen anyway. This is what happens to people, and they're sad all their lives because of fireworks. But I don't know. I just... This just struck me as a story I thought was... Maybe it's not real.

If this is... Let us know, people, if this is real or not. Maybe it's one of those fake... We'd have to know if it's... Unless it's someone trying to kind of make a joke on how far can sort of, you know, wokeness go or something? I don't know. I agree with you, I don't know.

Should we ask the Peanut Gallery? Yeah, Peanut Gallery, tell us on YouTube comments. I read those comments. Dana, they're quite surprisingly positive. Oh, this is funny. I got all my info from you. All right, here we go. This is funny because we were talking last week

about the crime, and I think I mumbled, where's Charles Bronson in Death Wish, that old movie where he would fight crime? So someone made all these posters up from different things we said on the show. This is just one of them. Isn't that funny? And you know, it's done by AI.

I mean, he's literally talking into a... Oh, maybe someone did that and said, make me a poster, yeah, maybe. But I can't remember the guy. To the AI, or, because it's so good. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Yeah, that's like my head shot from like Emperor's New Groove or something, but I don't care.

I'll take it, I like it, I think it's funny. And I- Well, if they put you in an action film, they'd make you look like that. He has- He'd give you long hair. He's tired of everything but his blow dryer. Am I holding a balloon or is that a street lamp?

That's a street lamp, but it looks like, the AI made it look like it's a balloon. God damn. Yeah. I think it's a balloon. God damn. Yeah. Okay, well, I'm on the move. It's cool. Okay, what's next? I like that one.

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Yeah, best player in baseball. From Japan. By far. Yeah. He's from Japan. He, Shohei Otani player in baseball. From Japan. By far. Yeah. He's from Japan. He, Shohei Otani, he hits a home run. Someone catches it. I think he and his wife,

they immediately get security and scuttle them downstairs, right? They hustle them underneath and they say, hey, Shohei would like that ball, so we're gonna give you like a bat and a glove. And they said, maybe we would just keep it. It's worth a lot. And they said, no, we won't authenticate it if you do.

So, before you leave here, you tell us right now, what are you gonna do? So they could even consult with him. It was a little bit of bullying, I feel, because they wound up getting a little bit of merch, and then they talked to a baseball collector, and he said, oh, that's immediately worth 50 to $100,000 right away, if they wanted to sell it. And why is it worth so much?

It's his first home run as a Dodger player. Was that why it's worth so much? Because he's hit hundreds of them, I guess. Well, it's his new team and his new deal and his first home run. First is always a big deal. So what did they end up doing? Did they just keep back?

I think they got a bat and they gave him some, like popcorn and a pinata. It was something stupid. And then they, I think they said when they left, they just gave it to someone because so many people were following them on the way out. Like, what did you get?

And I think they got nervous and gave it away. This is probably a lie. But that's why- Well, they're on the J out, like what did you get? I think they got nervous and gave it away. This is probably a lie. But that's why- Well, they're on the Jumbotron, so everyone would have seen them, right? So they've been tagged. Yeah, they could, and people are drinking, going out through the tunnel.

Yeah. Yeah, their lives could have been- And they were sitting with Fernando Valenzuela, do you know who that is? He was an old Dodgers pitcher that was sort of legend. And they wouldn't let him in the room, or sit next to them to help them figure out what to do. So all of it was just sounding a little shady.

Like, we're not gonna authenticate it, so you can't sell it, so just give it. Everything was pointing towards just give it. And they didn't get to think. All right, that's a riveting story. Okay, cracks are back, Dana. Okay. I know you've been saying this forever.

Yes. We've come a long way. I think Chris sent me this. Chris, did you send this in? Cracks, this, if you wanna do Johnny Carson, say, cracks are back. It is the perfect phrase. That's an easy one, yeah.

You wanna learn to do Johnny. Have you heard the news about cracks? Cr cracks are back. It is the perfect phrase. That's an easy one. Yeah. What I learned to do, Johnny. Have you heard the news about cracks? Cracks are back. Not to be confused with cracker jacks. So. I know it sounds like, I want a cracker backer for. Those dresses are what I'd wear to a chiropractor to say,

what does my spine look like? I gave you a clear view. Yeah, you could get a masseuse and just unlace it, get the massage and lace it back up. There's a lot of practical things going on with this look. When you go into Saks Fifth Avenue, you go, I'm trying to show my cocks and a dress. So can you dress me so I...

Excuse me, is this Crax Fifth Avenue? Because I like to dress. I'm addicted to crax. A pun is always fun., can you put this something? Yeah. So, listen, I think we spent some years trying to cover up the bodies, then we take, then we don't cover them up, then we cover them up again.

So, it just goes in a flowing fashion roller coaster. Right? Well, I was around for the peak of the feminist movement. The biggest story of the 1970s was the feminist movement, not Vietnam, not Watergate. It was a huge movement. Gloria Steinem was one of the leaders of it. And I just think putting her in a time machine 35 years later thinking women, equality, they're not going to be objectified and then crack sharp back.

She's like, screaming, why? God, why? Why, why? It's like Heston in Planet of the Apes, seeing the Statue of Liberty. Why? God, why? Well, that's how you do it. Nicholas Cage says that too, doesn't he? Well, that's what I said, that he is a horse whisperer

to the Biden staff when Biden starts wandering around the stage and mumbling, and they have so much anxiety, they bring Nicolas Cage in just to release the stress. So he's want... Oh, no, he's off script. He's wandering around. Nicolas Cage goes, okay, why? God, why? And it calms them down. Oh, it does, okay, that's good. Yeah, it calms them down.

All right, show quickly, there's one. Cracks your back, I'm not disappointed. I'm not disappointed. Show the trash one. They're, by the way, while we're waiting for that, Dana, look, here's, Dana White sent me a little meteor, and I put it in a little Joe Dirt wagon with my Lego Joe Dirt I got from Disneyland.

Why, what's with the meteor part? No, I went to Lego Lab and they go, hey, we knew you were coming, we made you a Lego Joe Dirt. Isn't that hot? It's got a mop. God, on this podcast, you got movie posters, you got gifts from Lego Lab. It is kind of, it's quite something.

When do I get a ham sandwich? There you go. So I got a gift, I got a honeydew, clean the kitchen. I got a new Hobart. That's not me, my wife's saying. Meow. Okay, what is this story? Do you know what the story is? Can you guess?

I'm trying to read it. Disguised as trash bag, a package from home? Is that the... A guy steals like a porch pirate. It was cut off. But this guy dressed like a trash bag and walked up quietly to someone's porch and put it over the package and then stole it and walked up quietly to someone's porch and put it over the package and then stole it and went back out to the street. Isn't that kind of cool? Dana's floored by this. It's...

Well, wait, wait, wait. Say that one more time. So he puts on a costume of a garbage bag. That's him. It's a suit, right? And then he just goes, like a cartoon, and he comes up, and then he puts it over... and picks it up and goes, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And everyone's like, is that trash?

So they looked at the ring footage, and it just, a trash bag goes up the sidewalk and then goes back down. And they caught him. So he just, does he see the sidewalk and then goes back down. And they caught him. So he just, does he see the footage and then laughs his ass off? Or what's the joy for him? The guy that is in the house getting his shit stolen

said where'd it go and he played it back and he saw the trash bag stealing it. The guy stealing it gets to steal the package. Right. Yeah, the guy stealing it gets to steal the package. Oh, okay, because I didn't see the whole byline. So it's a thief who's disguised as a trash bag and just creeps up, steals the package, and creeps away.

Yeah, okay. And that's a new interesting way to steal. Well, this is, here's my hot take. If he's that clever, he probably could make a lot of more money in other ways. He's Good job. If he's that... He's building this contraption. We should have pitched...

It's gotta be the right size. He's gotta move in the perfect way. This could have been for Ryan Gosling. We should have pitched this sketch. There you go. All right. Well, that's all I have, Dana. What do you think?

We've gone pretty late. What do you think? I know. We've gone pretty late. What do you think? I know. We did pretty good though. I've been reading spiritual books. Eckhart Tolle. He's a little German guy and he talks very slow and he stares into the camera.

Yes. And he sort of smiles. The whole point of life is to live in the moment. And that's what he's written, like 10 books, he's worth $80 million. Just don't think about yesterday or tomorrow. I'm at Catole. And I thought, damn, that's a, I mean,

so I'm writing a book called Life is a Shit Show, Get Used to It. Good night. Life is a shit sandwich, take a bite. But, you know, I was thinking about gurus and stuff. The guy does have great ideas. I mean, there was Ram Dass and gurus and, and I think per capita, the most gurus seem to come from India, even if they make their way to America. And what they do, I think intentionally is they grow their mustache over their mouth

so it looks like they're telepathic. So it'd be like, I want to tell you that we are doing many things in the name of bees. Hey, wait a minute, are you telepathic or are your lips moving? I can hear you. It's a good question.

Of course, you can hear me, but you can't tell if it's me talking. Sideways is good. On account of my long mustache. Well, the mustache seems to move every time you talk. That is just random wind. That's wind. I would, That's all.

They have beard too, it kind of blends into the beard. It's all nothing. You're hearing my thoughts. Why are your fingers moving? You're hearing my thoughts. I wish I could talk, I can't anymore. I can only think and you can hear me. See, from the side it's very much. I have the answer to everything on planet Earth. Now give me a million dollars you fuck face. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha comes into the gurus. Finally, a swear word. The gurus are always good. All these people that, I'm gonna save you and save your spirit and soul.

There's always sex comes into it at some point. They're like, oh, we worship you. You're the new Messiah. Right. I will be having sex with everyone. This is just something I'm getting from above and it's just nothing, it's not anything new, you don't have to worry about it. We will be having sex with my choice of people every day, but we're all still part of the

group. We're still in... That seems to be, I don't know if it's a cliche, but it does seem like eventually you find out that the guy is really horny. So he's up there preaching, and I believe that men and evil and mankind and peace and love live in the moment. And now I would like you to approach the altar and squat on my lally-jumba.

My what? Lally-jumba. Oh. The girl's like, what am I doing? I want... squat on my lally-jumba. I mean, it's basically a blowjob. But, uh, listen. I'm gonna point to the crowd, and then give me a little money. I listen, I'm gonna point to the crowd

and then give me a little money. I mean, give the whole spirit a little money after. And they're like, wait, I'm a pretty girl. I do the lolly jamba and then I give you money? This feels a little backwards. No, I don't make the rules. I shaved my mustache, so now I just hold my mouth. I don't know.

I hold my mouth. You can't tell if it's just me talking to you. Look at my eyes. Look how big they get. I have all the answers. Now give me a million dollars. Give me that golly bomba, jumpy jumbo. Get on that thing.

It's good, we've emancipate ourselves. We do any character we want. I like that. Bolly jumbo. All right, well I guess the people have had enough. I just got a message, the audience has had enough. I think so, it's two hours a week of us now. With Flying the Wall, Superfly,

you can spend 7% of your waking-wake life to hear our random shenanigans. Yeah, that was a good one. Well, we want to thank Sarah Sherman for popping by. Sarah Sherman. Thank Ryan Gosling for maybe doing our sketches. And if she... she'll tell us, if she does the head thing i think she's so

quirky she would jump on that that's something right up her alley i think mubula could write that yeah and i think we will excise it if she uses it but i do think surprising him on air that's the thing it's funny this has been a presentation of odysfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Charlie Finan of Brillstein Entertainment, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it!