Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #17 - Haters Gonna Hate

Episode Date: May 24, 2024

David and Dana go in on shark surfing, dog grills, student loans, Barkley's WNBA comments, Ben Affleck and JLo, and more. Submit advice questions to [e-mail] Watch the full episodes here: https://www.youtube.com/@flyonthewallpod To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What did I want to get off my chest recently? Well, it's probably something you got to get off your chest because we all carry around different stressors, big and small. We just keep things bottled up and then it starts to affect us negatively, David. Negatively. Yeah, it was something about when I was merging

and the people weren't waving back to me, it bothered me. But, you know, that that's a small stress, but it can be bottled up and get bigger. Therapy is a safe space to get things off your chest and how to figure out, you know, you got to work through whatever's weighing you down. Uh, yes. And I've, I was in therapy, I'm there here and there now, but for five years. And you know, it does challenge your thoughts because I'm gonna, this is kind of, I don't know if this is profound, but you are your thoughts in some ways.

So if you're thinking redundant negative things or sad things or whatever, a therapist can kind of get you out of that kind of negative pattern. So. Be the best version of yourself. You know, and sometimes it can be small things, it can be major trauma. I think either way, it's good to talk to someone. If you're thinking of

starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire, get matched with a licensed therapist, switch therapist if you're not into it anytime, no additional charge. Get it off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash F-O-T-W today and get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash F-O-T-W. Knowing how to speak and understand a new language can be an invaluable tool when traveling, meeting new friends, or just even to master a new skill. But it's not always simple when you're bogged down by textbooks and structure classes.

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Welcome to LA, have a nice robbery. Where everyone knows your name. Should I be eating? Yes. Okay, what else we got for him? Okay, welcome to episode whatever of Superfly. We have a terrific, terrific show planned for you. I almost was a talk show host.

They offered me at a few times. So I just feel like I can do a little bit of what I would, we have a tremendous show plan for you today. There's a lot of older words that those old hosts used to say like fantastic, terrific. I do like those words are just not out there as much as they used to be. I know.

Really terrific act we got on tonight. Really fantastic. Well, Arnold took fantastic and made it his word. Oh, fantastic. Let's do it together. Fantastic. He goes from, well, in the English Oxford dictionary, we say the pronunciation is fantastic. Years later, Bavarian muscle builder Arnold Sorkin said,

fantastic. It's in here, fantastic, fantastic. Watch this, I'm gonna do a thumbnail, Dana. This is when they do the YouTube and it's like, you click on it, it's so outrageous. Yeah, yeah, because it's like crazy. This is my thumbnail. David Spade,

David Spade says something outrageous today and I'm like this. Now do yours. Dana Carvey finds pot of gold in backyard. Now what's your funny face? I'd be like this. No one's clicking on yours. You got to be like this. Dana discovers who discovered the first duck.

Ha ha ha duck face. I'm kind of punchy duck face. Don't make fun of women of a certain age. You click on this one. How about this? Dana Carvey Dana Carvey schools David Spade. No, it's gotta be like. Oh, I see. You're not clicking on mellow things,

you gotta click on crazy photos. Dana Carvey challenges Mike Tyson to a fight. This is a good one. Okay. So this weekend I did the Venetian with Nikki Glaser, we had a blast. Oh yeah. She's all the, she Oh yeah. She's hot.

She's like water, she's everywhere. Yeah, she's doing a lot and she was a lot of fun. We laughed our asses off. She's always a good laugher. A good comedian to hang out with is one that's a good laugher. They don't be tight on their own jokes and laugh at their own stuff, they laugh at other things.

She does that. We went to the pool the next day. Now it wasn't too boiling yet, but they call up, they're always like, we got a great deal for if you want to go to the pool, 11 grand, you get free fruit plate, you know. It's always like some scam. So, it's not 11 grand, but there are, Heather, there's probably cabanas at the pool for 10, 20,000, right?

Easily. And if you're at Encore Beach Club, yeah, I'm not at the holiday in 1966, like pulling up a, you know, with the plastic on it laying on the floor. I'm not at Howard Johnson's in 1968. My effects don't even relate to the story. Scrape. So I'm there, a juicy cabana, and then they go, ooh, it comes with a fruit plate. That's all I cared about. I will tell you this. I can't even tell you.

It's too embarrassing. But I will tell you, they charge you a food stipend, and then it's minimum what you can get, so you might as well order because you're paying they could sort of split it from here's how much the cabana is, here's how much food is and you're never going to spend that much and the guy goes don't be surprised it adds up quickly I go I know it does when it's $84 or some corn nuts so I say where's there's a beverage charge yeah there's everything so I go There's all the added-on charges. Here's what I get mad about all I want is this crummy ass fruit plate and it's not even that big

It's like, you know, it's this this isn't enough, but it's this big because it fits in this picture Let's say and there's an assortment Guess what it is. Here's the percentiles that crummy ass fucking honeydew green melon is 40%. 22% is regular cantaloupe. I like. And then they go real heavy on the dragon fruit, which I didn't know was from Game of Thrones.

I don't know where it's from. I don't know what it is. What is that? Dragon fruit. Greg might be able to pull up a picture. Never heard of it. It's fucking... I don't know if it's any good. I'm scared of it and no one eats it. That's the big problem. No one's demanding. Where's more dragon fruit?

They're like, no, give me things I've heard of. Grape saute, the basics, but they really jacked me, dude. I'm still mad about... No human being... Oh, here it is. basics, but they really jacked me, dude. I'm still mad about. No human being. Oh, here it is. Oh, here's some. Okay. Get that one split open.

Look in the middle. It looks like a pomegranate. Yeah, it's a pomegranate. It doesn't look tasty. Pomegranate. It looks like frozen yogurt with sea. You know, I'm out. It looks like a seventh grade school project of like an anthill.

I wouldn't, I wouldn't try to fuck me as dragon fruit. That's all. Okay. That's all. That's why I would anyone who's headlining loss fate. So you got to do 90 minutes on the toes to 2000 people that night. You're hanging out in a cabana eating fruit all day, shouldn't you be napping and looking at your notes?

Napping and noting. No, I don't do that. I know my act by now. And with Nikki, I don't do a full hour. She does 40, I do 45. So it's easier. We had great crowds. It was really great. We did have a good time. But we'll get into the subjects today. We gotta get into the headlines. We've got a lot to do. Let's start with one thing you were talking about recently, which was student loans, and there's some forgiveness going on. I saw that on two different channels, so it must be real.

And this- I have mixed feelings about it. And actually explain it to me a little bit, because I don't quite know exactly what it is. Well, years ago, I'm not even sure when it started, but the federal government decided to guarantee loans, you know, to loan people to kids, young people to go to college. I got one.

And so that's how it started. And then the Harvard people and all the other people said, Hmm, I think we could rate, I think we could raise our tuitions a little bit since it's a loan, you know? So it escalated the whole thing. So then it's like 50, 70,000 a year and you're taking out these loans. Uh, you're supposed to pay them back to the government, but maybe you have 300,000 in loans and you have just a bachelor arts degree in civics. Oh, do they give you that much?

Mine was community college, so it was 20,000, I think. Well, yeah, there's been inflation and also, you know, crazy baby boomer parents, you know, with the whole Lori Loughlin issue, and I didn't blame her at all. Oh, they want big colleges. If you get your kid in a certain college, his life is perfect forever. And it was just enabling baby boomer parents gone wild. But now Biden has its billions of student loans that he's forgiven

through a federal order. Although the Supreme Court said it was stepping out side the lines, but he's found a way to do it. And he just did some, yes, I don't know how, was it 1.7 billion forgiven? 7.7 billion I saw on TV yesterday on channel five and local news. Oh, 7.7. But it said, but I think there's been some in the past.

So that means the people, is it everybody that has one or just a certain amount? Because I paid back my 3000, it took me forever. I had 2500. I know. Well, college was cheap then, but you were in community college. I was in San Francisco state, which was like that. But here's- I paid mine with corn. It was cheap back then. Here's the tricky part. There's some man or woman somewhere last week going, well, mom and dad, I want to announce to you that all by myself,

I'm now 48 years of age, but I've paid off all my student loans. Whew, it was tough and I worked triple time, but I paid them back because I borrowed them and promised to pay them back. Next day, just as online, what the fuck? They don't have to pay him back next day just as online. What the fuck? They don't have to pay theirs back and I just paid my back. That's the tricky part. Yeah, I guess it is. It's unfair to someone.

It's unfair to half the crowd that paid him off or that said, I can't go to college because I have to work. I can't afford it and I can't take a loan out and I can't afford to pay it back. I get it. So I see both sides. I see't afford it. And I can't take a loan out and I can't afford to pay it back. I get it. So I see, I see both sides. I see. Yeah. It's a tricky issue. You know, it's not the cynics. A cynical person might think that Biden is doing that to buy votes. And that's insane. But, uh, yeah, I'm going to get off to save the votes. You don't have to pay it back.

You know, he just showed up. I couldn't stop him. He was in the waiting room on Zoom. Okay. Sir, should you really be forgiving 7.0? Are you sure you want to do this with the loan? Yeah. I've forgiven more loans than anybody's ever given to loans.

Loan shark, shark alone, shark tank, shark tank shark tank, a tank, a tank, a tinker toys, tinker toys. I can't believe it's not butter. We got the meat. We got it. We got the meat. We got the meat. We got the meat from Arby's.

No, we got the meat. Yeah, we got, we got, we got the meat. But anyway, that's a tricky, a tricky thing. And I have mixed feelings about it. I'm happy for the people. I didn't understand when they were saying, when they were mad at Harvard, mad at these places recently, that there's people that people are saying, I'm going to pull my donations. I donated $10 million to this place.

I didn't know they are stockpiling billions. I didn't know it was that high. I thought that 10 million really meant something or going to name a building. And I go, oh, they said, well, Harvard has 26 billion. I'm like, huh? Last I check, it's over 40 billion. They have very, very clever people. The Harvard model, it's timber, it's shopping malls, it's this brilliant model, and the students kept paying more, and then the gym teacher was getting two million a year, and everyone got rich, and the school got rich. But I think they have 40 billion in the bank.

You think that maybe they should guarantee the loans rather than the taxpayers. Yeah, just come to Harvard. If you can't pay your loan, if you can't pay your loan back, we're going to pay it for you. Yeah, if they have that much money, that's their bar tab.

Don't worry about it. Yeah, take a billion off. They won't even notice it. Take a billion off. Yeah, and Bernie, of course, said, no one should ever have to pay for college. All colleges should be free. Don't proceed.

If you want to do Bernie Sanders for your friends at home, just say the word don't proceed with a lot and keep your abs on when you do it. Don't proceed. That's the home kit. Hey David, can I ask you a question? Go right ahead. Why do you wanna learn a new language? Where would you use it and how would it come in handy? Well, I think I have to eventually go to France

or go to one of these places and be a world traveler, get a crowbar on my wall and spend some money. But you know, I don't, I'm a little nervous about going without knowing a language and that's where Rosetta Stone would come in in that scenario because that's probably the best way to get in there and learn something, get the basics, and more than the basics if you want, but this is the place for sure.

Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program available on desktop or as an app. Yeah. And it immerses you, you know that word David? It immerses you in the language you want to learn. So it's not just like, hey, here's language, repeat after me. It's like, it makes you think in the language. It makes you talk in it.

It gives you the actual local dialect so you don't sound like a stiff guy. Speech recognition, built-in true accent feature. Pronunciate the words. Pronounciate. It's like having a personal trainer for your accent. By the way, 25 languages. So you know, you got your Spanish's, you got your French's, you got your Italian's. I mean all over the globe, it doesn't stop there.

No, no, you can, you will never go to a country where Rosetta Stone. You're not gonna trip them up. No, no. Nope, nope, nope. That's lifetime access. The 25 language courses Rosetta Stone offers for 50%. Whoa. That's a steal.

I'm gonna say it. That is crazy, yeah. Don't put off learning that language. There's no better time than right now to get started for a very limited time. Superfly listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for that 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash superfly. That's 50% off unlimited accent to 25 language courses for the rest of your life.

Yeah, I'm just going to say it. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash superfly. Today. at RosettaStone.com slash Superfly today. The regular season is complete and the ring is set. Are you ready for NHL playoffs? Get ready for all the action and excitement with Bet MGM, the king of sportsbooks. Now's your chance to play along with all the games like never before with Bet MGM's new

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with iGaming Ontario. Why did you hear Terrence Howard on Joe Rogan? I thought he was very interesting. Did you see any of Terrence Howard? Oh, I didn't see him. He's the actor. Oh, he's so smart. Yeah. People say he doesn't know what he's talking about.

That's a cynic. Some people say he really does because he talks a lot of science. He knows every element of the element chart. He definitely knows more. He definitely is very articulate about knowing a lot of science. He knows every element in the element chart. He definitely knows more. He definitely is very articulate about knowing a lot. It all goes back to Beryllium, which I'm always telling everyone at dinners. And he talks about how Saturn moves

and how we could make a new Saturn. It sounds so nutty, but it's definitely interesting. I wish you would have heard it. He was just going on and on. I'm like, this guy. Hey man, we're here. No one knows what we're doing here. No one knows how we got here.

So yeah, we could make another Saturn. Give us time. Yeah. Give us time. I've thought about that. I thought I'm going to wait. So maybe I'm not on tour, but I would maybe try to throw together a little Saturn and maybe just for around here in LA, just for people to look at like something to do, but not

like to scale, not like exactly as big because I've heard it's like miles wide. So I would make like one like a home kit. Do you know if we had no moon, we wouldn't be here? Don't scare me. Oh, we're gonna have Dr. Grier on next week. He's gonna ask you, I'm gonna ask about the tides and the moon and the beryllium. UFO? Tides, the moon, beryllium, the core of the earth.

I can't wait. We have a couple interesting guests for the old Superfly. Don't try to downplay superfly everyone. There's fucking it's a real think tank. I will never apologize for this. Never do not. It's a killer. Go to the YouTube comments.

People like it. Oh, OK. I got another one. Ready? Oh, I here's a boring story. Just so you can tune out, maybe play a commercial over this or like a side screen. My buddy went in the hospital with a stomach ache and they said, oh, I thought it was appendicitis. He was in a lot of pain.

Seven days though, and they said he has to get his gallbladder out. Now, aside from being totally fucking boring, the gallbladder, what does it do again? It feels like you probably need everything in your body, but they just take things. No one knows. They can, yeah, you can give up a gallbladder. I will say gallbladder gets no press.

It gets no attention. No one cares about it. It's not talked about. They can do it. It used to be a big whoopty doo. Now it's arthroscopic. The incisions, like a quarter of an inch takes 10 minutes. No more. So it up. And sew it up.

Slurp it out? How big is it? Is it as big as Texas? Is it as big as Delaware? Is it little? Is it big? Where is it? I don't know.

It's as big as my eye. It's kind of like that. That's it? That makes... You go like this. This feels like a spit size. Yeah. It's not...

And there was a lot of talk of bile, which makes me gross out. Is that what it does? It controls the bile and take, bleh. Where's the bile in the kitchen? I store my bile in the kitchen. And it helps you break down your fat. Oh, it absorbs fats.

Well, Danny. Like I said, hey, hey, do you really need it? Come on, do you really need it? To store bile in your liver? Come on, that sounds fucking nuts. Listen, when you see bile, the gallbladder goes like this. Don't proceed, bile, don't proceed, bile. How in the hell is Bernie Sanders going on 84

at that kind of energy? I don't know. He's got more energy than me. His wife's like, honey, here's some oatmeal. Don't proceed. Don't proceed. I'm having Grape Nuts this morning. He's the last guy eating Grape Nuts? Grape Nuts were not delightful. They needed a lot of milk and a lot of soaking time or else they would just get in your teeth. I know you were a huge jack and crunch.

Oh yeah, and a jackhammer. No, my mom tried to swindle me and switch it for Grape Nuts once. It was healthy. No chance. I told her, Mom, I don't want to sound like someone you know, but don't proceed because I'm not proceeding with Grape Nuts.

It's eating rocks. It's gravel, and I didn't love it. And I went right back to Count Chocula. I like sugar smacks and corn pops. The Captain Crunch and the Count Chocula. Yon. Too much sugar for me. My healthy, when I went to Special K, which was a little fruity back when you were a kid,

but Special K was supposed to be the healthy one. It still had sugar. It was really, they were all pure garbage. Let's be honest. I eat Special K now instead of ice cream. It has just a little bit of sweetness. It's made with rice. It's very light.

It's not high in calorie. I mean, come on. This doesn't just happen. Yeah. You can't, you know, this supermodel looks. Oh, speaking of which, listen, they said Barkley, your buddy Charles Barkley, who we did SNL with once. Love Charles Barkley.

He said some story about Caitlin Clark. Oh, he ripped into the petty WNBA players saying that because they said they don't like her because she's white, straight and pretty. And you know what? I get that a lot. So I related. But Charles and then they were on the view. They were fighting about it on the view.

It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. Come on, man. That's Charles Parkway. Come on, man. He's jealous. Come on, man.

I think he's great. As an announcer, besides an incredible basketball player, one of the best small, maybe the best small forward in the history of the NBA, he's only like six, five. He'd be down there battling out with the trees. Oh yeah. He likes to get into it. Yeah. They have to remember that she's going

to lift all boats in the end of the day. I actually, the WNBA is on the radar now. The ratings are going up. Caitlin has, you know, I mean, look, the three point shot is so rare and to shoot it like Steph Curry does as a woman was extraordinary to watch because she does it with such authority. I guess she works out, gets her legs really hard. And so that was a shiny object in the sports world. And now WNBA, M-B-A, hard to say it. They should change the title to W and then into the M-B-A. Change it. They got to. Yeah. W and then into the M.B. Change it.

They got to, yeah. Not hooky. Chicks with chick ball. Chicks with balls. I didn't want to go there, but I knew you would. I did. I'll take it right to the top. I'd take it right to the front. But I don't think it's, you know, racial. I don't think it, I think it's just, she

can shoot the ball. Like we've not seen a woman shoot a ball from distance like that in history. So listen, if you're all getting private jets because of it, kiss her ass. I mean, that's a big deal. Like who wants to go on Southwest? I don't, you know what? That's a big line in the sand. You think about the NBA and the WNBA is that flying commercial when you're kind of famous and people know you and usually you're taller than everybody else, your whole team gets on the plane,

it's just a lot of energy and attention. I don't know if you've ever flown privately, but it's very different experience. You just get on a private, you know, very different day. Dana, I don't know if you've ever flown commercially, Dana. King Lear over here. King Tut.

I've flown Lear 45s. Those are good. King Learjet. Well, also Cameron Brink, who is a very tall, she was the second pick in the WNBA draft, if I'm not mistaken. And she said today she wants to be in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and I'm thinking, of course, like,

this is the no-brainer. I mean, she's obviously cute, she's obviously in the WNBA, she could do it. They, I think the last cover was Gail King. Absolutely. By the way, the swimsuit issue is a bit all over the place, I'll just say that. So it's not just like the typical what you'd think was a model 10 years ago. They're all over. And

this one is actually like a model. And 6'4 is interesting. Throw in there. 6'4 is interesting. Would step ladder be good enough for an actual ladder? Athletes, men and women athletes, and they've done sports illustrated things of them kind of naked from the side. They just have a different kind of body. The body issue. Than regular people. It's very intense, but I do think in the modern digital age,

you have to stir your brand, you have to do everything. All this stuff brings money. You know, the line between athlete and celebrity, you want to get endorsements, get your name out there, get your likes and social media is driving half or two thirds of the country into a deep depression. But man, is it powerful if you get into the into the this the algo do you think this is heavy? This is heavy Dana. Oh, I'm ready for it. If, do you think that I started crying because so if I, if you start crying, I'm going to pull back

on this question that social media obviously has blown up, but the last 10 years it's turned into, is that, do you think the combination of COVID and that is more work from home? Cause people feel like they're really, really missing out. They used to feel like they're missing out, but not this bad. No. And then they got a taste of a, what I call an asymmetrical life with COVID and work from home and going into the pool and working on maybe four days a week and less more, more life. And on social media,

you do just kind of think that everyone's on a yacht off the coast of Italy and having this magic life is throwing your face. And I got a couple of dollars in my pocket and I feel like a peon. It's like, what are they doing? I mean, so I do think it makes people question all this. And I think, and I think the baby boomers, you know, I'll get pop quiz. What, what was voted the best year to be born in the history of mankind and location? Ooh. Is location America or is that one of the America possibilities?

America. Okay. America, I would say 19 to be born 1953. Actually 1949. Really? As long as you were lucky enough to get out of Vietnam, that'd be the tragic hiccup, but I have a brother born in 49. Oh, he nailed it.

He just had more of an innocent time. The Beatles came on. You went to college. It was inexpensive. You could rent something near Central Park for $400. And then you get to later in life, a lot of boomers are retiring now, and they need a lot of money, you know, because.

You could be John Lennon's roommate at the Dakota for $250 a month. You could buy Jimi Hendrix guitar for $39. But what was your first rent? First place you lived in? How much? Oh, some flea bag place in Arizona in Scottsdale. When I got out of my mom's, we lived, four of us in a two bedroom. That was 400 and we couldn't make that happen. Then when I got out, I think I stayed with my dad,

my DBD, deadbeat dad, came back and said, I'll split a place with you. And if there's a tie on the door, don't come in the bedroom. I'm like, sir, what does that mean? He's like, do the math. And so I split a one bedroom with two single beds and that was probably for Hunskey. And he goes, I'll split it with you.

And I go, aren't I your kid? Have you never paid child support? You wanna, how about you take this one? How about you take this one off my shoulders? You guys are going out hitting on women together? Like is that kind of father son dynamic? I mean, what was I, 1920, I was trying to scrounge into some standup clubs.

So I didn't have women on the brain as much. It was just trying to go do sets and he had it on the brain. And he was doing great on that. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. No, I didn't like it. My rent was $58 a month. No chance. Under a hundred?

Oh my God. Where were you in it? Near the airport. Near San Francisco airport on a frontage road. We ate 25 cent tuna pies from Safeway. My brother did the day shift at a bar and stole potatoes. And yeah, we were poor.

We didn't have a silver spoon. We lived on runway 18, but go to the younger generation now, 18 to 34. They can't buy a house. They're not, no one's having kids. I mean, America is not at replacement rate at this current moment. 1.7 per woman is not replacement rate. The world's population is shrinking and will be three billion less

by the end of the century. Good night. That's why they open the border. They go, we need another 10 mil quickly. And they're like, got it, done. Well, that's the thing. We need good immigration immigration people coming in here and wanna be Americans and wanna help and get jobs.

And we need a lot of people to come in here or we're gonna have to have AI do the work for us and be our housemaids and everything. Robot AI is coming. You didn't think about that, did you? No, because I can't. I don't think AI is going to do any heavy lifting. It's more like, we recommend this.

We solve problems. But they're not out there, you know, working on my car. You go, yeah, they are. No, they would do what? That's funny you said that because they are right now. They are right now. They're in factories and one robot went rogue

and choked a guy. Yeah, they're giant walking robots in car manufacturing and they are doing all the work, taking all the jobs. Have you seen the ones in LA that are like little, look like little ice cream carts and they go down the sidewalk and they have big eyes, fake eyes and they go be-dle-de-lee and then when they get to you, they slow down. I don't know if someone's doing it remotely, they can see them through a camera, but they do slow down. They go to a light, they slow

down and I pull them aside. I go, don't you try to take over, tell your buddies, we will annihilate you guys. And he's like, what a joke. We've already won, dude. What a joke though. That was his, he didn't even have the robot voice. Yeah. They are the funniest thing. I don't know if people have them across the country, but in LA, there's just these little carts by themselves stopping and stoplights delivering what? Have you ever used one? I think that's like an Uber Eats kind of thing.

Isn't it, Heather? They deliver food. Yeah. Oh, they deliver food. Oh, they have a name. You're supposed to name. You're like, hey. Yeah. Yeah. And they each have a name. Oh, they deliver food. Oh, they have a name. You're supposed to name. You're like, hey. Oh.

Yeah, they, yeah, hey Roger. Boo. I say, you're my enemy when they go by. I go, you're my enemy. They go, we're the beginning of the end. I was trying to get you. You've ordered a hoagie. I'm outside your place. Come get your sandwich

Please open it up I've seen they're also all getting robbed of course in LA because there's so many so much crime So they go this is my first day on the robot job. Please open it and take up. Oh, why would you kick me? Yeah homeless guy with the sledgehammer. Hello, my name is Bobby, I bring sandwiches. Not anymore! Beat the shit out of them. People are mean. Sledgehammer, steal food.

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Only at DQ. Happy tastes good. Let's play a couple of these things. Yeah, I just have some stupid things on Instagram or whatever. We'll see if it's fun. Okay. And then I've got a Trump-Haley thing. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. At the first ever grill for a dog. These are the grills we made, and he's excited about wearing them, I can tell. So the dog's name is Fox, and he has a little bit of an underbite. He was never really shy about it,

but now he can really flex it. He's got... This is why people hate America. ...and he's got his canines done in gold. Why the world hates us Why God's gonna make a dog grill so much extra money do you have a? Dog with a solid gold grill on his lower teeth, right? So I'm just for the people listen. Yeah for the people at home doggy grill is solid gold

Yeah, for the people at home, doggy grill is solid gold bite for the dog on the bottom teeth. The dog's like, I get enough puss. I don't need... What am I doing with the grill? It doesn't help me. I'm not a rapper. I'm not cool. I don't care about anything. But this hurts the way I eat. So, it's not... It's sort of... It is easy to humanize a dog and to take every, to really, really apply a human being to a dog.

So he actually must've thought, you know, yeah, come on, fella, Sparky want a grill? Yeah. And the dog going, ha ha ha. I mean, people go crazy about dogs. And he goes, so you do want a grill? Yeah. And the dog going, I mean, people go crazy about dogs. And he goes, so you do want a grill. You do want a grill. You just wagged your tail. Yeah, dogs are great.

I don't think I'll put a grill on them. Now, before you play this next one, just freeze frame it and then I'll say what it is. I had a hamster that got braces. Go ahead. All right. I had a, I had a gerbil that got hair plugs. I had a muskrat that had contacts.

Glasses didn't work. Muskrat had contacts. Oh, different color to look cool. I had a snake that had head gear because it had crooked teeth. Okay. Let me see. Let me see if this is, I don't even remember this one. It says

wait for the girl. Wait for the girl. Okay, this is breaking eggs on kids as a joke and I hate it. It's child abuse. Hey, what the fuck? Yeah, it wasn't very nice and the parents laugh I can't stand this it's a trend Got the betrayal the betrayal is oh Look at the faces they can Look at the faces they can't It's so fucking rude this is No one can believe it. Look at that. Look. Yeah, get that look Yeah This kids like what's going on?

You got fucking nailed Wow Whoa, oh Yeah, no, oh this poor kid fucking nailed. Wow. That is. Whoa. Oh, I gotta know. Oh, this poor kid. It never ends. That first one needs to go to a chiropractor. She's like snaps her head back going, mom, I trusted you. Why can't I stand watching that?

It's just cute child abuse on camera. My dad wants fame. Hashtag cute child abuse. Yeah. My dad wants my sister. She's probably five and she didn't like her oatmeal and she was crying. So my dad took the steaming bowl, a hot oatmeal and just put it on her head and it just drenched her all the way down. But they didn't have iPhones then.

Yeah. My dad would get up, he put an inch of oil in a pan and start to make pancakes. And the first batch out was just caked and oiled. And he called them Krispies. And he decided that I like Krispies. Who wants a Krispie? Oh, Jesus Christ. He wants a Krispie. So it was a stack of Krispies. And he decided that I like Krispies. Who wants a Krispie? Oh, Jesus Christ.

He wants a Krispie. So it was a stack of Krispies and add Carol's syrup because it couldn't have couldn't afford maple syrup. And then I ate it and then I went and I threw up but no one got that on iPhones, but I'm not bitter. I wonder, are those all legit? I think they are because the kids are like, it's hard to tell your kid.

They do say, we're going to do a little bit for TikTok. And the kid's like, oh, what's this? We're going to make eggs. Deesh. What? Like, your parents doing this to you, and you realize, oh, I'm the butt of this stupid goddamn trend, like, make me look like an asshole.

I don't like when they make their dogs look stupid. But two of them threw the batter in the parents face. Oh yeah. But that's like a new thing. That's like a discipline problem. That's a problem. Like you're going to do that to your mom. Not in my house. After she cracked an egg on your head, then you retaliate with egg batter?

You know what? People have too much free time on their hands. Get the camera. My dad would stop by and then go, I do something wrong and he goes, extra humiliation, not only spank me, but go, go get the belt. Don't make me part of it, I have to go get it.

So I go pick the easiest belt, he's like, not that one, you know which one, I'm like, god dang it, I gotta go get the thing he's gonna whip me with. Spank my ass and get it. God, your dad and my dad should've hung out because we always had to go get the belt. Well, it's the old days, the old days. The old days, we wanted to, you know. He goes, Dana, not that one, the belt with the spikes on it.

And you're like, oh. Well, he would snap it, which would scare you. And then you had to grab your ankles while everyone else, he'd asked all your siblings, how many? And then they took a vote. Yeah. How many? How many? I don't know. Everyone was kind of sheepish. Yeah, I'd say, I know how much you should give my brother. I'll just do it on one hand.

Five, 10, 15, 20, 20, about 30. I'll just say for myself, I was just incredibly well behaved and didn't want conflict and didn't want to challenge my parents in any way, you know? So to get a beating for nothing was kind of a frustrating. I mean, you were a rabble rouser. You're like the James Dean of five year olds. Yeah. I'd walk around smoking five years old. Well, what's going on here? I'd start some shit. All right. Let's show any more videos. Well, let me see one. I'll tell you what it is first. I think I'll remember. Ready? Okay. Alright. Oh, this guy does this and I think it's real. Heather's already curious. Watch what he does.

Hopefully there's not loud music, but watch what he does. Let's see what happens. Okay. Throw the board. Jumping in is already scary enough. He's pretty high. Okay, I could do that. Yeah. And then get in, throw your rod. But he's got meat on it, which is scary because you're in the ocean. Uh huh.

And you wait and then you try to surf. And then he gets a shark bites it. Look at that and pulls them. What? Who would do that and pulls them. What? Who would do that? Who would do that? Is that real? And there's another shark.

And he goes by that guy, I caught one dude. What? I don't know. Someone wrote, is that an Australian citizenship test? Let me unpack. Okay, real quickly again, a guy on a pier throws meat overboard, jumps, throws his his board overboard gets on his board casts out the meat a shark gets it in its jaws and starts swimming really fast he's behind the shark

we're gonna have to hear from our fans on this one i that's a long yeah tell us if it's fake or not we're too kind of real it looked kind of real didn I mean, look, we're rougher on the edges. It wasn't like a perfect video, so it looked more real. It's just that it was going in a straight line fast. It wasn't just moving its head around, you know, which makes me suspicious. Oh, that was your, that's a clue. I think a shark would bite it off

and a shark would rear its head up. And pull and tug. Pull and tug. I didn't like it. I thought it was fake when the shark the shark goes like this bites on it. And then it goes to the guy. Are you ready? Here we go.

I thought it was fake and I had five of these good headphones, but the shark turned and said shark go in the water cage go in the water. Where did they do my, we, we, sorry, my voice went. That's from Jaws. I was doing Robert Shaw from Jaws. From Jaws, great movie. You get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing. Chinaman pull me over San Francisco bar.

Sorry, I've memorized the movie. Love Jaws, yep. I thought it was fake when the shark goes, was that good, should we do one more? Yeah, it's a little too easy. Surfboard, meat, sharks like, oh, I love meat. Fucking don't make me look stupid. Shark did look stupid.

No. And then he took the bait. And the sharks were right there by the dock. No, no, I call bullshit on that. Yeah, fucking bullshit. Tell us in the comments. Okay, is there any more? Because I have to let Dana go.

The only thing of the day was that- Oh yeah, you have any Trump or anything? Well, here's the, let me, sorry. Nikki Haley famously shot it out, you know, went through the primaries with Trump. She was the last one standing and she was getting a pretty good response. She's a former United Nations person and governor and Trump being Trump has nicknames, you know, so he nicknamed her Bird Brain when she was still staying in the race, very Trump. So now he calls her Bird Brain.

Then she comes out yesterday and she goes, she says, I'm gonna be voting for Trump because Biden's a catastrophe, right? So now knowing Trump, now he's gonna like her. When Trump, then he's gonna be like, you know, when I said Bird Brain and I said bird brain, it's really a, it's a compliment. If you think about it, think about birds.

People don't know about birds, but think about bird brains. What birds could do is amazing. They come from dinosaur. Not many people know that they don't know that they can migrate from Alaska to Madagascar. Nobody knows how they get there. They can go a thousand, a thousand birds flying around. They take a hard left turn. Nobody knows how they know there. They can go a thousand birds flying around. They take a hard left turn. Nobody knows how they know.

So birds are compliment. I love bird brain. Bird brain, Nikki, I love her and I hope she gets on my fucking ticket. Yeah, they make nests. They are smart. I mean, I do see what he's saying now because they fly to Capistrano.

They fly back. They're always on time. It was not derogatory to call her Nikki Birdbrain. They can sing. They're good singers. is they fly to Capistrano, they fly back, they're always on time. It was not derogatory to call her a Nikki Birdbrain. They can sing, they're good singers. They can sing, if they're a parrot, they say something, they can mimic like no one believes. Swans can just be in a lagoon for hours quietly

and then fly away, these things are amazing. So Birdbrain was affection and I really love her. Yeah, I mean there's a bird I saw in New York that they taught it to fly out. Things are amazing. So bird brain was affection and I really love her. Yeah. I mean, there's a bird I saw in New York that they taught it to fly out. Well, it's not great, but they steal people's money and they bring it back to the guy in his window. I'll show that next week, but that's sort of a smart bird. Truth be told, birds are brilliant.

I mean, they have been around for millions of years and I used to watch them swoop around up in Marin County and just in concert thousands of bird moving and I don't know how they do it how they communicate maybe they're telepathic. Okay I guess we can wrap it up. Anything else to do before we let everyone go? Everyone's parked somewhere going, this can't be over. Okay. Here's another thing at the Cannes Film Festival. Yes. There's a big story about how all the billionaires are there and all the Instagram models they're getting. This was funny to me. 54,000 to have sex with these guys. They put them on the boat for a week.

That's an odd number, isn't it? Is that the union thing? What's going on? 54,000, you go on the boat for a week and you have to have sex with these chubby billionaires. I mean most of them are probably don't have to be in shape. They're not all supermodel guys. But yeah, that's the idea and that's a big problem right now. Is it a problem? Is it not a problem? But that's a big thing happening. And I read about it, I read all about it. And I thought 54,000, deal or no deal? I, well, I don't like, you know, women who needed money had to go out on the street

and have a pimp control them and get beat up and stuff. So this super high end sort of type of... Voluntarily doing it. They like it, make money. Person to person exchange. I don't really have a problem with it. I did have a thought about, and it's a positive thought about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez because we talked about it recently. Please. So the worst thing a couple can do is go on an Instagram, take a picture and say, we're so happy.

We're just perfect for each other. The marriage is great. The kids are great. Everything's great. Whenever you see that divorce comes boom. So the fact that JLo and Ben Affleck are more open about their issues or whatever they're doing means they're going to be just fine. So that's my theory. If they were just hugging and kissing every second,

this relationship's fantastic. Then you know they break up. Do you have a comment? You look mystified. Well, yeah, sometimes they do the old, oh, I'm wearing my ring. And they go like this, you can see it or they put it up or they put the visor like look I'm not wearing it then that's a story then the next day oh I am wearing it if you get it if you're that deep in the paparazzi you know what you're doing these little tricks and everyone bites on them it's very odd I think Ben is more of a regular dude likes to go to commerce casino and inland and gamble sometimes and she's more of like a movie star, superstar. So that could work or it could not work. There's there's reasons either way.

So I don't know. Things get things get lost. Let's let's remember Ben Affleck as an actor, done some brilliant performances and then as a director and then him and Damon produced movies and produced that thing about the Lakers. Argo was a brilliant movie. The town. So, you know, the tabloids just, you can get lost in them, but these are very talented

people, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. And I don't know. In summary, you're pulling for both of them. Look, we get along. We're not fighting, you know? We're fucking tabloid fodder, me and you. Everyone's got a take on us. I never liked it. I actually, when they used to, they'd take pictures of you on the sidewalk,

this was in New York during my heyday, and then they would change film. It wasn't digital. They would change film, and I would go, okay, go ahead. One time I would just say, go ahead, go ahead. They went through like five rolls. The guy goes, I'm out. Like kind of out of bullets.

So then I started walking. I walked toward, I go, come on, more. Don't you have an extra roll? I don't know why I did that. Don't push the guy, yeah. Well, because you're just like, don't take a picture of me. I like go ahead have all you want, you know, it's like a gun They go pop up up up up and they got a reload and that's when you run And plus they already get like with guys. It's not that interesting

I mean, I've had guys take my picture, but they would rather see me with a date. They yeah point-blank said If you're with a date we can sell it said, if you're with a date, we can sell it, make it look like whatever they want something juicy. Yeah. David Spade out here. David Spade does this. Um, you know, like I said, the only way is just to be incredibly boring, which I am. David Spade out his shorty shorts again. All right. Well, that's it, Dana. Um. I will talk to you exactly one week. We won't talk before then. I'll just talk to you on the body.

We baked another pancake. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it!