Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #27 - Drama and Medals!

Episode Date: August 2, 2024

The guys analyze and riff on fake social media accounts, Olympic drama, the poop river, Kamala, and more. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Make your nights unforgettable with American Express. Unmissable show coming up? Good news. We've got access to pre-sale tickets so you don't miss it. Meeting with friends before the show? We can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca.yamx. Benefits vary by car, other conditions apply. So anyway, the poor mayor is like, oh, the river is fine. And they test it. The guy testing it looks at me and goes, not great. She's like, oh, it's just a little bacterium and poopo matter.

So she goes, I'll dive in. Oh my God. She goes in, someone else goes in. And? And it was like swamp thing. She comes out, rawr! But she's like this, pssh! It's so, so magnifique in there.

It burns my face! It burns! Get me out of here! It burns my face! I was gonna talk to you about the beginning where you're on TikTok now, which is a big development and... Yes. The thing about it is, you know, it's good for these clips and stuff.

And then I, and then someone went on my TikTok Tok, two people over 30 on Tik Tok. This is embarrassing. And they were like, Dana Carvey wants you to join him. And I'm like, okay. And then I look and it's a fake-o. Fake-o. Yep. These sneaky rats. These rat mofos they go, cause I have a bunch of fake ones and yours is like Dana Garvey. You know, they just change it a little bit to make, to throw you off the scent or the real Dana Garvey

or it's Dana Garvey, official Dana Garvey. Do you have a check or anything? Do you have anything that says? I think they're looking into that for you so they can say you're the official Blan Blarney. But what about, wait, okay. so I have fake ones in it, but I've been on it longer than you. And so on Instagram, it's like the official David Spade, but official has three Ls. I mean, people should figure that out. But they don't.

And there's no check mark. I just joined it because I wanted to be with the in crowd. All the kids are talking about it. It's like TikTok, TikTokck, tick tock. You know? That's all they say. Yeah, hey, look at this. Here's my dog.

They have tick tock hair where it's puffy on top. It's like straight, then it's like jiffy pop curls. Like they got a perm and they all have it. Like every person under 17 has it and they wear pajamas. That's it. That's all I have to say. I'm just trying to aggregate at this point of my career, I wanna get the under 10 crowd.

I wanna get the eight nines and tens. I mean, they would like Garth, they would like Church Lady, so I go, what the, ha ha ha. My audience of my movies is geared toward four to six-year-olds. So we do a separate writing pass. We go through it, we go, this feels like it's for to six-year-olds. So we do a separate writing pass. We go through it, we go, this feels like it's for an eight-year-old.

We gotta go a little simpler. And, but on my, my... My number one comment was from a toddler. Just wanted to fit that in. What'd he say? Two and a half. Me like fun fun. Oh, that was on YouTube.

That's right. And it had crayon all over his face. A really cute kid. Me like fun fun. That's kinda like my number one fan right now on TikTok. That got a lot of likes, that was on YouTube, that's right. And it had crayon all over his face. A really cute kid. Me like fun, fun. That's kind of like my number one fan right now on TikTok. That got a lot of likes, that comment. Yeah. Mine is Instagram DMs, where people are like,

listen, is this really you? Because I've been getting... First of all, they know that this one's really me. But they go, I've been getting a David Spade I've been talking to for a few months. What's wrong with you? And it's like David Spade I've been talking to for a few months. What's wrong with you? And it's like David Spade with five D's and and they're like. And it's like, and they send me a screenshot. Is this you? Because we've been talking for a long time.

And the first one's like, hello, fan. I'm David Spade from movies fan. Would you like to be fan friend? I like you, send money fan. And they're like, I sent some money, I feel dumb. Is it not you? I'm like, where does it seem like it's me if you know how I talk?

If I get that, I start writing checks right away. And I press bam, you know, cause but David, look, news flash, all right? You've been hacked by an AI. Only an AI would spell spade with three Ds. Come on, man. People fall for it though. Come on, man.

And then people send them money. And the last one I got was, hey, can you pay off my mortgage? It's probably a hassle, but here's all my banking information. And so it's like 180 grand bubble. Just if it could be by tonight, would be great. Tomorrow's fine too.

I don't love it, but it's tomorrow by noon. And then if I don't pay, then the next day they're like, actually that one went away and then a month later, hey, we're just gonna build an extra room now. So it's only like seven grand. So here's all the banking information. I mean, why are you giving me all your banking, so it's only like seven grand. So here's all the banking information. I mean, why are you giving me all your banking information?

It's like a done deal. It's like, oh, I'm scrambling, let me get a pen. I feel I've got spider sense, because email, you know, it's their email after email. And then there's one, pay now and avoid jail time. And I'm like, if I click on that, then they can deep dive and know where I live and what color underwear I'm wearing.

So I skip it, but you're like a clicker. Underpants. You're more, my under panties. These people are real people because they give me a whole long diatribe of their story and they go, you could help me, you're Joe Dirt, you understand. Hey Heather, you click this, crank the AC down to 77.

That's how hot it is. Yeah, 77 is cold in this scenario. I've got my, I've got meatloaf. What are you 62? What are you 62? 67, 68. God damn. No, I'm man. Psycho.

Whew. If you, listen. Sorry, David. This breaks up many marriages. I have a friend, he wants it at 60 full time, and his wife wants it at 78. And how do you live? If you're at 78. And how do you live? If you're the other person, how do you live?

Because you hate one way. More than half of married couples have a sleep divorce. Either a guy... Sleep based? Yeah, he's got chronic diarrhea. He's sweating, coughing, barking, and snoring. She's in there, she's not sleeping. She's sleeping 30, 40 minutes a night.

Just as a war zone. And then they go, why don't I go in the bedroom 10 feet away and then just have it at any temperature I want and sleep. If my wife hears this sound, okay, listen very carefully. If she hears this sound, bolts up awake. What was the sound? Well, do you have a machine? Do you have a noise machine? Be like... Just that tiniest sound.

Tiniest sound. So who's there? Who's there? Yeah, like this. Nobody. I stand up. I don't know. Sleep is an important thing, David. That's my message to you and to all of our fans. This would be a perfect place for a mattress commercial we don't have. Okay. Speaking of pooping, if we're going to talk about the Olympics, we should start... That's the big story. We should start with Poop River that Heather has brought up for months now.

But Poop River is one... Now more people know about it because first came the shove. Yes. The Seine River down the center of the barrel. The Seine, the Seine know about it because first came the shove, yes. The Seine River down the center of the barrel. The Seine, the Seine, I don't like the way they spell it. It's insane right now, goodnight. Seine.

Just spell it. It is Seine. S-E-N, everyone's fine. But we have to add letters, bye-bye. What's your hot take on this Poop River? My hot take is, you know what it is? It's a couple things, Dana. First of all, I guess... It's got... I don't like when I'm about to do

one of my Olympic events and I hear the word fecal matter. I don't... I don't like bacterium. Like they go, okay, everyone, it's perfectly healthy. Most of you will probably live. It's just, it's a little poop heavy right now. And the problem was people started pooping in on purpose before the Olympics, because they were mad about what?

Because they thought they spent too much money on cleaning the river and not cleaning the city. I love the French culture. You think of wine and roses, the Eiffel Tower, but yeah, people defecating in a river is also part of the Parisian mix. Right, and they said, they were getting on chat rooms going,

they're gonna check it a week before the Olympics, and the mayor's going down there, so let's all poop in it. And they all coordinated, no joke, peeing and pooping in the river to make sure, no joke, to make sure pooping in the river to make sure, no joke, to make sure that it would not pass. They're trying to F up their own Olympics.

So anyway, the poor mayor's like, oh, the river is fine. And they test it. The guy testing it looks at him and goes, not great. She's like, oh, it's just a little bacterium and poop will matter. So she goes, I'll dive in. Oh my God, she goes in, someone'll dive in. Oh, my God.

She goes in, someone else goes in. And it was like swamp thing. She comes out. Roar! But she's like this. It's so, so magnifique in there. It burns my face. It burns. Get me out of here. It burns my face.

Got turpentine river. Yeah, so she gets out like this. All good. Dire it. She's like, yeah, I wouldn't swish it around in your mouth. I did that as a mistake. But just to swim, if you're gonna be in it for a couple hours. They had the triathletes in there.

They went in there, I don't know if they swam. I think they just went in, because this is the... They got it kind of clean, and then the triathlete said, kind of looked down, they saw, what was the water like? Go, didn't taste so good. That's all I said. Is that what he said? Yeah, it didn't taste so good.

He said, I see it, that better be a baby Ruth floating down by my blocks. Well, technically, just biologically, if you're gonna do freestyle swim in a river, you're gonna, on average in a river, you're gonna on average swallow a liter of water. And so in that liter of water is all the things that you can possibly imagine.

They go, just enough poop that you can still live. Oh yeah, the guy said, I gulped it. That was one of the guys testing it. And he goes, it's all good. I gulped a little bit. I wouldn't recommend gulped it. That was one of the guys testing it. And he goes, it's all good. I gulped a little bit. I wouldn't recommend gulping. It was too much. But also, you know,

because they pushed it back a couple of days to give it a little more time to clear out. And then they really did it. And you know, there's someone on the side going, we got a code brown. And I'm like, one of the swimmers going, I think I know what that means. I think I can figure that one out. Code brown. Ramjet. Ramjet.

I know. You got 10 scientists with big beakers on the shore going, eh, no, it's still not good. Look at that. Look at that bacteria. They're all like on the blocks going, I don't speak French, but when they're like this, I, uh... You go, that's not good. Also, lastly... You can tell, because even though it's French,

you can tell it has English roots. How is the river? J'ai le côté picotier, c'est la poupée, à la chite paca, fica, moteur, c'est... Pee-pee? Pou-pou? Up here, what's that skunk's name, the French skunk? Pepe le Pieu.

Pepe le Pieu. He wouldn't get it. Yeah. He wouldn't go near that. No, but how about you're a triathlete, they go, it might be tomorrow. So the next day you carve up on eight plates of spaghetti and they go, not today.

You're like, oh, we're not doing it? Okay, so I'm not running 26 miles. So we'll do it tomorrow. So now you're walking on a leg one. Ooh, I gotta walk this off. Then they go, okay, now we're doing it. Oh, scramble, scramble. They were gonna do the French version

where you just get in a cold tub and splash for a few minutes, then you're on a unicycle for about a quarter of a mile. And then you just walk up these stairs for two minutes. And that's the mini French triathlon. I could do that. Yeah, that was the alternative. Yeah.

I did one where it was a paddle boat, just go across a lake. And then I think that's it. That was it? I did one, you hop on your left foot two times, slap yourself in the face once, and then stare at the sun for one second. The new Olympics for kids are you DM three people, try to get three DMs answered,

and then you make a TikTok. I wasn't on TikTok, and they told me the Chinese government was gonna study me, so I'm, that's all. All right, other things. Other things, keep it moving. Yeah, other things in the Olympics though. Any other Olympic stories? Well, it just occurred to me,

they do the freestyle, they do the backstroke, you gotta do the backstroke, right? Sure. And then they have the freestyle, they have the butterfly, they have the freestyle. Sounds like freestyle means whatever you want.

They all seem to do this, but what if someone came up with something that was better than freestyle? Like just, he's got a new stroke. We don't know what it is. I mean, there's no rules that they have to do the Tarzan freestyle. It's just free.

So what if someone came up with a better way of swimming? That's my question. I think they would have done it by now, but I'm all for it. By the way, Simone Biles is doing awesome, which I'm happy about. Yeah, she's killing it. As of the timing of this podcast,

she won another gold in the floor exercise, which she has so much power. The thing that's interesting is that she's standing there in the corner, and then she gets a ton of speed up. She goes apparently 20 feet in the air and does 10 somersaults and lands it. But then because of the rules of the floor exercise, she stands there and does stuff that we could do

for about 30 seconds. Just this stuff. It's filler. Yeah. And then she's somersaulting nine times and then back to it. Bop, bada, ba dee, do, do, do. You know what?

I actually agree with you because I saw the balance beam and they do a flip really hard and then they go. Yeah. And then they just flap their arms around. And I go, I can do that middle part. They must love the flapping arms part.

I landed that. No, I'm just gonna. Yes. So that was my hot take on that. What about that guy that walks around with a full boner all the time in his Speedo? I'm like, all right, guy. And he kind of leans back on what?

I know. He's got a mini loaf of bread in his Speedo. Yeah. That at some point. Baguette. And it's like a drag on the pool. He's got, he can, if he wins with that thing in his pants, I mean, there's a drag coefficient to that.

That is true. It's a very scientific. By the way, if I look like that in a Speedo, I would join swimming. If I was walking with a space shuttle like this guy, he's standing there leaning back, pushing it out, going, whoa, whoa, what are you looking at? I'm like, I would join swimming only so I could wear

almost nothing so everyone could check out my wang all the whole time. His nickname is Space Needle. I don't know. All the live long day. All the gigantic statues, yes. And no offense, I think he was slapping it around trying to get a partial, you know what I mean?

Because he's not walking around that chubbed up, you know? He has to look at three pages of porn, maybe one thing on his phone right before. Yeah, 400 years ago, and like, the guys go down with their swords and fight the other villagers with swords. He's the first guy going down with that kind of action up front. Oh, yeah, he's got a lot up front. That's a big target.

Too many CCs of plasma down there for my taste. Just give us your regular waiter. You know what's great about ambition? You can't see it. Some things look ambitious, but looks can be deceiving. For example, a runner could be training for a marathon, or they could be late for the bus. You never know. Ambition is on the inside. So that road trip bucket list?

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Visit CoorsLight.ca to learn more. Celebrate responsibly, must be legal drinking age. Let me do a quick thing about the opening ceremonies. Oh, no, yeah, let's go thing about the opening ceremonies. Oh, no, yeah, let's go. Because the opening ceremonies, when everyone's, and it was raining. And it was kind of long, to be honest.

Four hours? Yeah. And they're sitting in the pouring rain. The problem is, a lot of them had events the next day. I'd be like, guys, I've got a huge day tomorrow. I think I might, I might, because I actually row at 4 a.m. So I'm gonna punch out of the last six and a half hours tonight and I'm just gonna try to get some-

I'm standing on a boat in the freezing rain. Yeah, and they're like, I have to get up in four and a half hours. I actually have all my events tomorrow, guys. I don't wanna be a party pooper, but I'm gonna fuckin' bounce. I'm running the marathon in 27 minutes, and I've been standing on a freezing boat for seven hours.

Do you think I could maybe do a quick exit? Guys, I have to dive in a poop river in about 22 minutes. I have to dive in a poop river in about 22 minutes. All right, that's it. Now we'll go to Biden. Oh, my only... Oh, wait, you wanna talk about the boxing? Oh, yeah, the boxing. Well, there's been a controversy that a trans athlete, whether he's a trans athlete, is here here.

I don't know. Here it is. Boxer who had gender test issues wins first Olympic fight. It's very, very vague. So, when you're watching the fight, just as not thinking, you're kind of seeing, seems like a dude really strong hit a smaller woman, not near as strong in the face twice, and then she drops her knees and starts crying.

So, it's like, I don't know, uh, what? Right, I don't know what to do about this. It's, like, the boxer said enough. Oh, my God. Yeah, cause her nose is too tweaked. You know, there's apparently maybe has two X chromosomes or he's born with both lady and man. I don't know. I don't want to go into the biology of it,

but it just doesn't look right. And then it's a little gaslighting when the commissioner of the Olympic swimming just goes, he goes, no, this is not a transgender issue. This has nothing to do with that. Well, everyone's trying to dance around and not get in trouble. And of course, no one wants to get in trouble,

but you have to just think of a safety issue at some point. Put that picture back up, because I want to do- That's the boxer, right? Yeah, I just want to see what... Let me put it back up for a second. Just in the next 10 minutes. This is Steven Tyler watching this. Dude looked like a lady!

Sorry. Sorry. Or a lady looked like a dude. All right, that was a long way to go for that. Yeah, that was good. That's all right. But basically, it's not a transgender issue, but she seems to have the strength. She says, I'll beat them all.

That was her quote, I'll beat them all. And I thought she meant she would take them all on. That would make it fair if it was the 20 women against this person. It always comes up like this. Someone from China or somewhere might be doping, but it's all sort of, it's happening so fast, so blurry, so vague.

You don't really know. Remember the figure skater, they thought they got a medal anyway and they thought they were cheating. That's all, listen, remember when they had, Canada was sent the drone over the other team? What was that for? Oh yeah.

And they got deducted. I don't know what happened. Well, Russia, they had all the lab samples. This is a few years back, maybe before one Olympics back. Lab samples inside this room, completely guarded and shielded. And then they did a mission impossible, drew holes in the ceiling.

They had people crawling around. They went down with incredible equipment. Yeah, pick them up, put clean samples in them, and put them back. So that's like, I would give all those, the Russians, all the gold medals, just based on doing a Tom Cruise. Right.

You know. Just show that. That's more fun to watch. But you could tell that even they were, the Russians were singing the Mission Impossible theme the next day, and they kind of gave it away. That's more fun to watch. But you could tell that even they were, the Russians were singing the Mission Impossible theme the next day and they kind of gave it away. That's pretty good. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,

clean samples, clean samples. Do-do-do-do-do. Drugs away. Okay, here, Eric, keep them out. Okay, this is a South Korea sent a fully kitted out player. So we're looking at a shooting event, which I don't really know about. It's like a daisy air rifle or something.

I used to have a BB gun or a pellet gun. I had both. Turkey sent a guy with no lenses. Oh, this guy walks like he just came from the Grove. He's just, he's in a t-shirt and no eye protection. He's just like gunning it down and he got second. He's got his hand in his back pocket. I mean, that's so relaxed.

I guess that's what you're supposed to do. So either it's not that hard or it is really hard and he's really good, but I think he got silver. Which is an incredible achievement. Here's my hot take on that. Yeah, please. This whole thing is about nerves. A lot of this sports is just incredible achievement. Here's my hot take on that. This whole thing is about nerves. A lot of this sports is just about nerves.

So the way he just had a t-shirt on, walked up, what's up, yeah, I'm cool, and boom. Because then if you're there like, I gotta do this, or all my family's watching. Yeah, and you're putting on all your microscope things and your stuff and your padding, and that's trickier. Oh wait, oh, that's somebody who's really dialed in. your microscope things and your stuff and your padding. That's trickier. Oh wait.

Yep. Oh, that's somebody who's really dialed in. That looks like Tron. What is that? Is that his normal? What is that? Is that a gun or what? That's his Daisy air rifle.

And I think. I think that shoots the target for you. Like right now he's, right now this is his Olympic gold medal shot right there. He's not even looking at the target. He just said fire. Five bull's eyes. That's the Olympic champion in action.

You know what that thing is on the top right looks like a price tag. That's so you don't have to go through the work of shutting one eye when you're, when you're leaning over like that. That does it for you. You just can't see. I think that's really what that's for. Hard enough in these corny Olympics. Let's get to Joe Biden.

Well, it's nothing revolutionary. I just kind of, as a human story, not a political story. It's such a turn of all the stuff that went down. And clearly he was, he's a stubborn, tough Irishman. And I'm gonna stay. I'll stay at the convention, you know. And then he has a change of heart. He goes, so now Kamala, which is great,

she's having her moment in politics. So people are losing it over her. And she's, you know, you're being compared to Joe Biden of a month ago. Yeah, that's how it's been. So she's having her moment. So I being compared to Joe Biden of a month ago. Yeah, that's how I was a bit of a lot. So she's having her moment. So I just wonder, and it happens to anybody, if a Kamala super fan was at an event

and just started telling Joe Biden how great she was, you know, that it's like Toy Story or something. Oh my God, Joe, have you seen her? Oh my God, she's so awesome. She's got, her ratings are bigger than ever. I mean, she's got like, she's winning every state and it's just so great, right Joe? He's like, yeah, this is great.

Which one's her again? Can't believe it's not about her. Ha ha ha ha, I got in there on that one. I can't. I couldn't shut up. Oh no. Take two. She's, it's fun to be this character. Oh my God, Mr. President, I'm sorry,

but Kamala, can you believe it? She's so good. She's so smart. She's so pretty. The ratings are through the roof. I mean, she's got every swing state. She's got everything. I just can't believe we have her.

Aren't you happy? Yeah. I was happy. I was happy for Sk scone with butter. Can't believe it's not butter. There we go. Ha ha ha ha. Anyway, but that, there is some organic human truth

in that, whatever their politics are. Because the next new shiny object, there's a new kid in town. And he was just there and now everything's happening. I mean, it's honestly like someone getting a new boyfriend. They're like going crazy. It's like, give it a second. It's embarrassing to go Instagram official.

Now suddenly Biden's sitting there eating his cold Goosepot show going, is he even president? We're not gonna hear a hide nor hear of him now. And he's still the president of the United States. You kind of forget, you know, because she's not even the nominee yet. But I think the Democrats are just happy because it looked really bad for them.

And now they know they've got more than a fighter's chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It did change gears very quickly. And I just don't like, they had that something called like, white men for Kamala, white or black women for Kamala. Like I don't, I personally don't love that when the race is involved so much, you know what I mean? White dudes for Harris.

Now, why does it have to be just say people that are, because when race gets into it, it just feels divisive. Like I don't even know if they should bring up a race at all. She's a great candidate, and there's Trump. That's a candidate. So, let's talk about issues and that. It never fails to go back to race and this, and then everyone steps in it, and everyone says the wrong thing. It's just very... Why would you say white man?

It's just... It feels... I know. It feels like the 90s are calling or something. I mean, you know, we had a black president named Barack Obama, superstar, the most popular ex-president in the world right now. And I don't know. I feel like it's kind of rude because after a while, like they say, oh, when I used to do the sitcom,

they go, we have this director that... But at a certain point, everyone drops saying, okay, we have a black director this week, we have a female director. It's like, we have a director. And I think it's condescending to keep bringing up race, because it's like, can you believe they got this far? You go, that sounds so rude. You say, hey, they're great.

They did a great job. Let's have a debate. you've they got this far. You go, that sounds so rude. You say, hey, they're great. They did a great job. Let's have a debate. I think that might've been slightly tongue in cheek. I'm not sure what the joke was because Jeff Bridges and Mark Hamill and people were doing it. And Jeff Bridges who I adore, they asked him about it.

And he's just like, well, I'm, I just figured it'd be kind of a, sort of a joke thing. People took it seriously, but I, you know, I just figured it'd be kind of a, you know, sort of a joke thing, you know? People took it seriously, but I, hold on a second. I need to, could I get a hoagie? Yeah. Where is he filming this? In a saloon? Yeah.

Well, no, the guy is one of the greatest living actor. He's a fucking stud. But he does true grit, the makeover, and he does it brilliantly. He's the fucking stud. But he does True Grit the makeover, and he does it brilliantly. He's the first time Jeff Bridges became full cowboy, and he sort of always sounded like he just had too much to eat and kind of right down here. And then he does the press junket, and they go,

Mr. Bridges, how did you find playing the cowboy? And he kept the persona. Well, I enjoyed making the movie very much. So I'm happy to do another one. And then from then on, you know, and that's what I said, you're either a cowboy or a pirate. He was a cowboy. Yeah, he's a stud, dude.

They had Pete Booty Judge on there too. They had a lot of people. Yeah, and Mark Howell. But what is the theme? They just talk about Kamala, right? That she's great, but it's not a white thing. I mean, just picture if Trump had a white, we're gonna have a big white Zoom call

of all white people be like, that doesn't hit the ear right. It never hits the ear right. I gotcha, I gotcha. We want America, you know, I'm going on an Olymp to come together, not be so divisive. That's our dream. That's our dream.

I'll start singing pretty soon. I don't know. If I could dream. Alright, what's the next dumb thing we're talking about? I'm running out of winners. No, there's something coming up. We'll throw it up here. What do we got? Any funny videos? Any... Okay, the amount of money. Oh, I thought you'd think this is interesting.

The amount of money Olympic athletes earn by winning a medal based on their country. Okay, what's the first one? France, a gold gets you 71. This is for the actual athlete, right? Yeah. And 71, I thought it'd all be the same. I didn't know you get money.

Did you have that? Well, for years it was amateur athletes and then the rules have been changed, but I didn't know they're getting actual payment. Yeah, that's like an incentive from the country. So, okay, what that's... That sounds good. Let's say 71 for gold, 16 for bronze.

Now let's go to Cameroon. No, let's see what's next. Singapore, 700,000. Wow. For a goalie. $184,000. 737,000? Is that USD?

Good question. Or is that in Mach Night Clicks? Which is our currency, Mach Night Clicks. I've got some USD in my pants. Anyway, Spain. Spain is a hundred grand. Fine, I'll accept it. Anything in your pants is funny at the end.

Okay. USA. How you doing in your pants is funny at the end. Okay, USA. How you doing in your pants? Wow, USA is cheap. By the way, where's all that Ukraine money going? It's not going to the fucking metals payoffs. Jeez, I'm surprised we're doing as well as we are. That's because we're out. 37 grand for a gold, get fucked.

Oh, Italy. Okay. 197,000. You like it. You like it. You like a gold man. Germany, once we own, pay you tiny little bits of money. Is that worse? That's worse than you? That's a worse one, Heather? Okay. 21 grand for gold and a roll of quarters for bronze. Taiwan?

They should be spending that on arms defense against the eventual Chinese invasion. Is this a yen? Is this really a good use of your yen? Because you may have an invasion, so you you might wanna invest in some kind of submarine. Oh, Norway's getting, hey Johnny, Norway's getting rat-fucked. Wait a minute, I'm half Norwegian. What the fuck?

Half cheapskate. You get no money, you do it for the country. No wonder I always buy it, Koi. By the way, the best distance runner in the world is Norwegian, Ingebrigtsen. He's a machine. Oh, bless you. Yeah. Ingebrigtsen in my pants.

Ha-ha. Doesn't even make sense. No, I went for the camera. Mm-hmm. Okay, wait. Um... Okay, next one. I thought I had a running joke. I don't... This is... They're checking for injuries,

um, getting medical attention. Ready? I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. to have someone groping him? Dude, who's getting a hand job during the timeouts? I mean, she's literally like, don't grab the nards that hard. You see what she's doing? Well, he looked like he was injured, and she had her hand down there, and apparently there is a shot, I don't know if we have it of them having cocktails later at the Olympic.

What happened to cocktails before? Well, I don't know what event he was in, but whatever it was, it involved some... There's a rumor that guy is Mormon, so I think the next step is soaking. I don't know if she goes, should we go soak in the cold blend and warm it up? The show just got sexy. Cool. Mm. Mm. Mm. The show just got sexy.

Yeah. Ha ha. She should pull like the swimmer outside and grab his monster ding dong. Go ahead. Okay, here's how, oh, this is, this is too bad. I don't, I don't know if this is the Olympics, but basketball joke.

This is kind of balls. This is dirt. Basketball players, here's a friendship was born. Okay, we'll watch playoff. So they're talking, should we do it? Come on, bro. They're thinking about it going, F it. I like, is that Godfather music?

Pretty close. They're gonna take, they tell the guy, take a picture of us with our jerseys. Are you sure? Why is it weird? People take pictures with jerseys. And they're switching jerseys. Okay.

This guy's name. Oh, I got it. Okay. Okay. Okay. They switched jerseys. You see what it said, Heather? Black and white?

Close. What did it say? It said black dick. One guy's last name is black dick. What did it say, Heather? Black and white? Close. What did it say? It said black dick. One guy's last name was Dick, and one guy's last name was Black. So they switched it and you can do the math. Anyway, that was kind of ballsy to do during a game

to the cameras and not think you're gonna get in trouble. Yeah. I don't know if they're from countries that pay very much, but they're not taking the Olympics very seriously. I don't even know if that's the Olympics, to be quite honest. I know our show is a scam, but I hope they weren't too hard on them.

Christ's sake, she got time to swap jerseys for a pithy rejoinder. You don't think you're gonna be on the podium anytime soon. You're spending time undressing and dressing when you should be warming up in the pith pit. Okay. You know what you're gonna be doing? You're gonna be diving in, picking up swim caps.

Yeah, the designated swim cap. Trademark. Okay. That's a, that's a clever rejoinder. If I was a swim. He's retrieving them. The swimmers are like, why is there so many poops in the actual pool?

I think some of them made a break for it. Jumped over here. We may be setting a record for poop references. My hair looks heister. Definitely in the top 10. Yeah, you look like Troy Donahue. Going back to the 50s. Look at how wavy it is.

It looks like I got a solid flowy commercial going. Yeah, I don't know where you got all that hair, but make sure you put it in the drawer nice and tight. The pot, put it back in the drawer at night? Yeah. Lock it up. Whatever you got it, yeah. This side's like too high, that corner. I'll fix it.

Not today, not now. Not when I'm going on camera. I'll do it later. One day, the entire show is gonna be about what we do to our hair to look like this. Okay, what's the next one? All right, here we go. Americans be having... I don't like when they talk like this.

Be having this in their movies and only eat one grape. That is kind of funny. Like, this is the breakfast table when there is, like, a sitcom or, like, a movie and the kid one grape. That is kind of funny. Like this is the breakfast table when there is like a sitcom or like a movie and the kid walks out, honey, we have to talk about the dance. And he's like, bye mom, gotta run, grabs one grape. And she's like, but I made food for 30.

Yeah, it's muffins, it's eggs, it's waffles, it's chicken, it's bacon. It's like 44 croissants, a bowl of fried chicken, 18 orange juice. That's so fun. That is true, that's funny. In movies, they get a little carried away. You know, movie, everybody has their department and the people in charge of dressing up the breakfast table

always overdo it. And it's up to the director to tamp that down, but the director's too busy, stuff on his face. By the way, I got caught the other day because I was trying to use my new phrase that I think is funny, and it kind of applied, but I had to meet this dude about a movie and there was no agents or anything.

I go, I'll just beat him by myself. And then I'm like, God, what am I at? It's just so hard to meet someone in person by yourself that you don't know and you gotta talk for an hour and have lunch. And I go, oh, I raw dogged it with this dude today. Just nothing. Phone down, no distractions,

just no people to help and jump in. Just, and they're like, you raw dogged it with a dude today? And I'm like, yeah, let me just, I'm gonna rephrase. I'm using raw dog too much. I just had a meeting. It's a catchall. Yeah, cause raw dog means just bare bones.

You just go and have a meeting. You don't have the help of anything. But when you say it's with a guy, it sounds dirty. Even if it's a guy, two guys meeting in a restaurant. Right? Do you know in the Soviet Union, I was told that people always get a third. If they want to drink vodka, they always, two guys, they always go, let's find a third.

Because a third makes the conversation that much easier. But the only thing you can do in that situation is ask questions because people like to talk about themselves. I do. I go, what do you think about me? What kind of movie deal have you got for me? And what's about, what am I getting? How much money will you pay me? I said, you talk, I listen.

If I get up and leave at any time during this meeting, it's not going well. It's never a downing downside to get up in someone's grill a little bit in that situation and go, what you gonna do, Magic Man? What you got? I do good in meetings that are important. and go, what you gonna do, magic man? What you got? What are you gonna do? I do good in meetings that are important.

I go, you got 10 seconds, go. And they go, what? And I go, nine, eight. And they're like, here's a million dollars. Do you ever start with, hey, you know who I am, man? Do you know who I am? They go, I hope so. I'm fucking Joe Dirt.

That's who you're at lunch with. Joe fucking Dirt. Oh yeah, Joe Dirtay. Did you ever see the world wrong Missy? The world wrong Missy. Dana, you're gonna get this right one time. Well, I know it's the wrong Missy, but I call it the world Missy for about 28 episodes. I call it the world Missy.

You know, Bobby Lee brought me up last night at the improv and he brought up that he is, that he starred in The Wrong Missy with me with one line at the desk. And he did. And we always make fun of it. He co-starved. Because he had one line and he kept screwing it up,

which was even funnier. Anyway, okay, next subject. Yes. I don't, next, next subject. I don't even know what this is. We have another video, it's called friend test. Oh, let's see what this friend test is. I don't even know what this is. It's actually a test to find out

if your friends actually like you. Oh, I don't wanna do this. So recently psychologists did a study and they found that on average, 50% of your friends actually hate you and they don't like you at all. But there's a test to find out which of your friends hate you. Me and Dana will do this. So what you have to do is text any of your friends three hate you and they don't like you at all. But there's a test to find out which of your friends hate you.

So what you have to do is text any of your friends, three words, friends, friends, friends. And what this will do is when they receive it, it'll leave an impression in their mind. And then you send another text to them and ask them pick a number between one and 10. I pick a number between one and 10. That's so random. Okay. So depending on the number they send you, they don't even know this is happening, but psychologically, if they're actually rating your friendship on a scale of one to 10.

It's a psychological technique that psychologists use. So if they text you a number below seven, that means they really don't like you, you probably shouldn't be their friend. But if they give you a number closer to 10, that means they really value your friendship. And hypothetically, this is... Nice try.

Nice try. That guy's voice was a fucking assault. Yeah, now Dana, I texted you a one yesterday for some reason, and just don't take that wrong. Yeah. I texted you, still besties forever, and then I immediately regretted the text. I was like, God, that's so corny.

No, I like it. I shouldn't have pressed send. I said BFFF. That means... I don't know what.. I cried myself to sleep. I said BFFFF. That means... I don't know what. Yeah, that's weird. Who would you rescue on a desert island? Be your Adam Sandler. Oh, do not make me do this.

The Fobba Foo! Ah-ha-hoo! I don't need a rescue! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! I hope they rest. Come on! I hope they rest. I hope they get me a not are you.

You can sing when you do that. Give me some coconuts. I can make a not so tasty stew. I want a crab a cakes. Oh, you didn't rhyme with stew. Well, the crab cakes. What's it gonna be if I didn't have crab cakes again? Crab cakes.

Oh, crab cakes. I have a picture of us, Dana, from you doing Tony Montana on Lights Out. Do you? Heather gave me a present and you were one of the pictures. Is that trending? Mm-mm, it's trending in my room because in my office I have a bunch of pictures.

Okay, here we go. Okay, here we go. They're pushing us along. ["Dead Leopard"] Oh, this is from the podcast. We have Joe Elliott, and we should have put, I'm gonna rag on the podcast, we didn't put on Fly on the Wall, Joe Elliott from Def Leopard,

so we just have a picture, and saying listen to Joe Elliott this week, but I don't know if Wall, Joe Elliott from Def Leppard, so we just have a picture and saying, listen to Joe Elliott this week, but I don't know if everyone knows he's from Def Leppard. No, Def Leppard, yeah, for sure. So he told a story, if you go over and listen to that, of how I ran into him somewhere, I had worn a Joe Dirt t-shirt, and no, a Def Lepp t-shirt and Joe Dirt,

and then blah, blah, And then we talked about that. And then I was with Chris Rock and Kid Rock and Justin Timberlake. Do you remember what bar he said, Heather, you do not. Okay. And so he said, and then he just hit us up later and said, I think I have a picture from that night.

Look at me with a fedora. Why would I even show this picture? It was shot through a fucking shower curtain or a piece of soap or something. It's a blurry mess. It's the worst picture ever taken. It's a blurry camera from the 70s. This was shot through a fucking wall.

Well, this is probably before iPhones. Jesus, of course. It was like one of those throwaway cameras. It's green, you know? This is clearly a CIA photo. This is clearly from Unsolved Mysteries. And then they were last seen at a bar together. Spade was wearing his favorite fedora,

and no one understood why he wore it. Well, it was kind of embarrassing during the podcast when Joel goes, yeah, we did meet. And you're like, what? I know, why wouldn't I remember that? But I think I do remember meeting him. I just didn't know it was a whole shenanigans of going to a karaoke bar.

You had a couple little pops. I had a few knocks. I'm a little bit of a boozy Susie. By the way, just quick insert. Did you see the Secret Service guy, the new leader of the Secret Service being, you know, interviewed by, grilled by Congress? God, it's so funny.

I've seen it. He didn't, whatever I saw, he didn't answer much. That's what was so funny. I mean, they're there. It's been three weeks. It's like they don't have any information and they've got that John Kennedy guy, Senator John Kennedy. Now.

Now, I'd like to understand something. He goes so slow. Just a basic question. Why did you not have Secret Service people on the roof where the shooter was? The guy's like, well, we're gonna look into that and we don't really, we're gonna, we got, we're comprehensively studying.

Do you have any idea how stupid you sound right now? Oh, a normal person might think if I was going to shoot the president, I would climb up on the nearest shed. Now that's exactly what he did, and we all thought of that except you. Well, Senator, we decided to put the Secret Service personnel inside the shed.

So, let me get this straight. You put the Secret, it's a little Ross Perot coming in. Yeah, it is. You put the Secret Service guys inside the shed. Did you also, I understand, set up a buffet for them? Well, yes. You put it where the shed, where there's a wall that they can't shoot through.

So, let me... The roof is where you can do lots of shooting. So, they were in the shed, serving themselves macaroni and cheese and spare ribs, while the young man climbed on top in the shed serving themselves macaroni and cheese and spare ribs. While the young man climbed on top of the shed and took aim at the former present. Is that right? Well, we're going to study that either was macaroni and cheese. We don't know if there were actual soft drinks.

We found shrapnels of coleslaw all around the ship. Now this sounds dumber than a three-packard billy goat. I have to tell you, you haven't answered one gosh damn question. Yeah, all we found instead of shells was crawdads that had been roasted in honey butter sauce. Sir, do you know what a shrimp ball is? Yeah.

While your agents were having shrimp balls and honey roasted crawdads, someone was on the roof doing a slow crawl with a loaded weapon. Is that correct? Well, we're going to study it. We don't know. We'll find out something. Guess what? Fuck you. We don't know and we'll find out something. Guess what?

Fuck you. Yeah, you fired. Did you really assign the sacred service to go out and get more coleslaw and some funyons? So they had Pringles at the exact time of the gunning down of the president. Why he pulled the trigger,

they were pulling their finger around two Pringles at a time and that leaf, that canister of Pringles was gone before the shooting was over. Is that correct? We do believe the Pringles were empty at the same time the rifle was emptied, sir. Interesting. I think it's funny how long we stayed with this bit.

This bit feels like it's over and it's still going. It's just if we could get Jeff Foxworthy on the line. And Ross Perot and everyone together. And Ross Perot have a baby and have him interrogate the Secret Service. And then evaporate all the jokes out of it and it would be this bit. Now, let me, I'm just, and it would be this bit. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Now, let me, I'm just, let me check my notes here. You can't put a perky pine in a barn,

light it on fire, and expect to make licorice. I don't think you're gonna get a job sucking farts out of dead chickens after this. My opinion. sucking farts out of dead chickens after this. My opinion. You will never be fully employed, swallowing tadpoles

that have been basted in a buttercream barbecue sauce. Anyway, before we go, what is the product code on that barbecue place? Because I want to order something. Can you hit me with that promo code? Can you give me a definition of an assassination attempt? Do you have that information on your person? Do you understand that guns are involved in an assassination? So if you see some Joe Dirt looking motherfucker walking out with a rifle, you might want to put a dog ear, put a pin in him,

and say, check this guy out, maybe frisk him. Yeah. You have got to pat down all the carnival goers. Now, I understand you had 40,000 people in that carnival, and they all were patted down, except one individual. Is that correct? Is that what I'm hearing? When you're on a rooftop, 60 feet up, and everyone on the ground is saying,

that guy's got a gun, is that your first clue that you might want to start pulling back the hammer and shooting away? that you might want to start pulling back the hammer and shooting away? If you see a tank, a military tank, come into an event and start firing shells toward the speaker, would that be a good thing or a bad thing?

Sir, your time is up. I got one more. Someone needs to stop us. Okay. What else can we do? Is it almost over? No, is it? We have one more bit. 49, okay. One more bit. What do we got? Anything good on there?

Then I got some athletic shorts. Here's big fart. That was a short and gassy one. Do you want to hear another one? I don't even know how to continue this after that. What the fuck? It's Alexa. What is going on?

Alexa, stop. By the way. Okey dokey. She's trying to do like a TikTok. Alexa keeps, I think she's playing it very real if it's real, she's playing it very good. Yeah, I wonder if it was pre-recorded. I mean, at first it did sound like Alexis.

I'm... Can you make Alexis make sounds like that? Yeah, because, but also, sometimes when I'm talking, it sounds like I say, hey Siri, and then it answers something when I'm in the middle of a conversation, like it just did, heard me say Siri. But if you say, if you're just talking

and say the wrong thing and Alexa goes, oh, you wanna hear some gross farts? That's, why would Alexa even think of that and go along with it? Well, you know, they have Alexa and it's been a while. They have Fart-Xa, which is a different one that makes sounds. Yeah, Fart-Xa. We found something here.

There we go, we found something. Yeah, Fart-Xa is maybe not as comprehensive, but makes party sounds or whatever you want Fart-Xa to say. Yeah. Alexa, I need a machine gun fart. Fart. Thank you, need a machine gun fart. Thank you, FartXA. Windy pop, windy pop. Windy pop for me.

Windy pop. What's that one, a fart? That's a polite. I used to be able to do a great one. And what's wrong with it now? That one's not good. No, that's too typical. It's too commercial. Okay.

Is that the last one or should we get off? Because we have a wall, wall, wall. Should we end on that clanker? Probably. Or should we do more Southern guy? We just do it during the credits. Credits roll. We're still talking. If a B-2 bomber is coming down 100 feet over the carnival,

headed toward the stage, would you consider that a threat? Would you stop and ferrisket? What ferrisket? After you had your berisket? Well, I stayed on the buffet theme. Yeah. Well, I do like the way you hit ferrisket. Yeah, I stayed on the buffet theme. Yeah. Well, I do like the way you hit for risk it.

Yeah. For risk it. Yeah, it's added syllables. Yeah, you're doing it. Let's just end with that. We're killing. This is funny. Okay.

Thanks, Dana. I know you're busy. Thank you for joining Superfly. Smash that subscribe button. Oh yeah. I guess it's good for us. That's what everybody does. It's all the rage. Oh yeah, I added a date in my Denver show

that we're filming for whatever. And so come out Denver. What is the date of your Denver show? What is it Heather? It's October 12th maybe. Is it? I have all my tour dates on davidspade.com. October 11th we added, but we're going back.

We're hitting Boise. We're hitting some big cities, Seattle. I have all my tour dates on davidspade.com. October 11th we added, but we're going back. We're hitting Boise. We're hitting some big cities, Seattle. So I'll be out in the next month. But thanks everybody for listening. And we will talk soon. Okay, bye Dana. Goodbye everybody, goodbye.

This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it!