Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #30 - D*ck Jokes at the DNC

Episode Date: August 23, 2024

The guys jump into the DNC, fake Taylor swift images, the dating lives of pufferfish, selling sweaty socks, cicadas urinating, and much more. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I love Trump sitting there and Theo going, you know in fourth grade my teacher was a raccoon. He's like, that's good Theo. Okay Theo, that sounds a little different, but sure. And he's like, yeah, so yeah. I kind of feel like a tadpole is a tad too big. What do you think of that? I think you're nuts.

I think you're crazy. I don't know. Do you think that Grinch was a real guy, like way back? Okay, ready? Ready? Go, ready? Welcome to Superfly with your host, David? Ready. Go. Ready? Welcome to Superfly with your host, David Spade. And Dana Carvey.

Yes. You leaned a little early. I leaned a little early, didn't I? We would have to do another take. Oh, man. Let's do one more take, ready? Oh, do one more take. Let's just check it.

Okay. Do your thing. Welcome to Superfly with your host, David Spade. And... Oh, wait. Now I'm later. Oh, I wait for my name? Yeah.

I gotta give you a name. Look, anyone watching this, trust me, this is, we're shooting the rehearsal. I did not get the memo. No, this is good. Go ahead. This is quality. You won't believe this.

This is not scripted. Welcome to Superfly with your host, David Spade and Dana Carby. Yeah, there you go. Fucking print it moving on, going to lunch. Damn podcast. He's easy. Printing,

it gets so many people smashing our subscription button. Thank you so much. Smash that fucking thing. I don't care if you break your phone or camera, whatever, or your laptop. Don't touch it. Don't just get, go on. Oh yeah, we're at 175 now on YouTube.

Damn! That's it, inching up. Don't just go like that. Yeah, don't go like that. Don't go like this, rub, rub, subscribe, go fucking... Ah! Bam! Let's ask Tyson to come on for her,

because he's got that fight coming up. Yeah, we got a fight coming up, and I'm gonna hit him so hard, it's gonna kill his whole family. You know, I didn't really want to kill his family, but I hit him so hard, even his relatives will feel the pain. I'm Mike Tyson. I know, now he's nicer. He goes,

I hit you so hard, you're gonna wake up with a bit of a stomach ache. I know. That's what we did before. You're gonna get a tummy ache. He threatens really heavily, but he's... After the fight, he's a pussycat, you know? Before the fight, I'd kill you, I'd kill your entire family. After the fight, you know, would you like to go maybe climb on some jungle bars? Come over, I could put a hot water bottle on it.

Ha-ha-ha! Let's go and do it, let's play a lot. I don't even have my Tyson down. News flash to impressionists, it takes a while. It sounds good. I'm going low. I ain't gotta do it hard or not. You know, I was hitting him so hard, I was so scared.

It's still very Brooklyn there. Yeah, I was so scared, I was so scared. It's still very Brooklyn there. I was so scared, I was so scared. You gotta love Tyson. Let's get Iron Mike. I like Tyson. I did his podcast and it was, he had a guy there because he has like a, I sit in the middle and he has a guy on one side

that's sort of the mediator, like co-host. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. And then he would ask questions. Mike would ask questions. It was kind of fun, but the other guy, not a professional, but like a professional football player. You know what I mean? Yeah, Mike Tyson has a kind of a sneaky hyper wisdom, you know? Yeah.

No filters, it's just really simple, you know? I think it's called hot boxing, so I think... Yeah. ...it combined boxing with smoking weed. And... Yeah. ...the results are incredible. Let's look at a clip. He is known to have a little bit of a funny cigarette.

Oh, it's funny. It's like the 70s. Get a little, uh, Mary Jane. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. A little wacky tabacky. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. There's one. That was a good one.

Because it's the lips pinched and then to the right. A little funny friend. This side. That's really fucking poof town. Okay, so let's talk what's going on in the world. We'll start with the convention. The convention this past week. Yes.

Unbelievable. We talked about the Republican convention. For those of you who don't know. They have a convention and then the Democrats do. Four days long and they're kind of similar to each other. There's a lot of like diehard freaks out there with badges and hats just jangling things. Yeah! And there's, they start at three in the afternoon and some of the speakers are obscure congressmen

you'd never heard of and they just drone all- Bill Squankmeyer. And yeah, from the great state of Tennessee. We, ladies and gentlemen, we go out into a new world, a world that's changing, a new world, a world that's changing. A changing world. Yes. But if you're the head, if you're Obama,

you're like, don't bite my shit. Don't talk about crime. This is my stuff. Don't say Trump. That's all my stuff. If I was the headliner, I'd say, these things don't, I don't want the openers talking about. And then, yeah, when Obama comes out, he's just cool, you know? He just brings it all down.

He's got 18,000 people waiting, and that's the thing we're gonna do. We'll do it over time. And what he did, which surprised me, and I thought it was funny, he did a dick joke about Donald Trump. Oh, what was it? So he's up there, he goes like this, he goes...

And he goes, and Donald Trump... seems to have a strange obsession with crowd sizes. Then he goes with his hands, he goes like this, goes apart, looks down and goes back. Big laugh. Oh. Visual, he's doing visual stuff too. He did a visual thing. He said that I heard they had some tape of him with Michelle. I'm gonna do the hand out, my hand in, I look down,

and they'll know it's a dick joke. Stay on me, go wide shot, come and make sure you get this. Wide shot, strange obsession with crowd sizes, and then I'll bring my hands in, I'll look down, and then cue the laugh. Hit the applause button. Yeah, you know, it's funny, because people are saying he's obviously a great speaker.

If he wasn't good looking, would he get this much attention? He is good looking, would he get this much attention? He is good looking. Yes, yeah, he's very, very photogenic. I think it's a combo. He's just a rock star. I mean, he just has that down. I mean, even in 2004, he's waiting in the wings. He's gonna speak at the Democratic National Convention. He was nobody. And somebody said to him, are you nervous? He goes, no, not really. I can play this game.

I got this, I got this. So he knew he had a talent for public speaking. Now Biden, on the other hand, it was a little bittersweet, because it was his farewell. He went on Monday at noon, right? No, the thing is they held him past prime time. He went on at like 11.30 in New York at the end of 50 years of public service.

Let's put on another, the acrobat is gonna do it. Jugglers will come out. Yeah, that's Sam Kinison, last spot. My favorite line to him, and he's done it before, is like, Trump, Trump, he said our troops are suckers and losers. And then he just goes really hard, he goes, Trump, you're the loser.

It was such schoolyard bullying. You know, that man is ironic. Well, you just said you're the loser. And then he... It's ironic. Well, you just said, you're the loser, guys. And then he... Did he come out in his pajamas or did he wait? He had to wait. Everyone's going long. That sucks. You're at a comedy club,

everyone's going long. Yeah, I mean, he's 81 years old and yeah, and there's another one, another one. And matter of fact, they bumped James Taylor. It got so late that they go, look. One guy you want to hear from. James Taylor. And he just late that they go, look, they bumped James Taylor. And he just picked up his guitar and he said, you have not got a friend.

And rocked out. Oh, boy. It's the perfect thing to say. Can we get a rim shot? Bunch of suckers and losers with Donald Trump. The mega republic is a threat to democracy. It was like 1230, 1 a.m. and the people said... But anyway, he got out of there. Democracy is a big catch phrase that like just like 1230, 1 a.m. and the people said, but anyway, he got out of there.

Democracy is a big catch phrase that like just, I don't even know what it means anymore. When people say something so much, I don't know what it means anymore. Well, everybody, both sides say the other side is a threat to democracy. So it's like he's saying to you. And everyone listening goes, what's democracy?

David Spade is a threat to comedy. I am? No, I listen. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know why that face always gets me. Anytime, because I hate when I watch this, I'm looking down because I have to see

these dumb fucking squares. Because I'm on... I look good because I'm on Uz... Uzumpic. Uz... Oh, come on. Stay close, folks. Trying to get from 156 to 144. I really am. I fattened up during grown-ups, which, oh, a couple people remember. Thank you.

Um, in grown-ups... I remember you were a bit round. Ah, I was a little rotund. You were a little round, chubby cheeks. I asked Chris Rock, Point Black, if I was a little rotund. You were a little round, chubby cheeks. I asked Chris Rock, point black, if I was fatter, and he said, yeah. I go, did you notice?

I said, was? I said, I actually gained 20 pounds in the last five years and I didn't even know it. I said, did you notice? He goes, yeah. He goes, you're getting in a Val Kilmer area, which then was Val Kilmer on the beach with a fucking wetsuit and this big gun.

I go, I'll fucking kill you, Rock. It's called a scale. You just get on it once in a while. Keep tracking stuff. And it goes, king. I know, I didn't get on it. Here is a... Okay, go ahead.

You put your head in the sand, and you pay the price. Yeah. They found Maggot, M-A-G-G-O-T-S, in the breakfast bar at the Democratic National Convention. Oh. They don't know how they got there, but that's the last thing you want when you're getting a cup of Special K. Apparently, Clinton went down there,

Bill Clinton, and he went ballistic. Uh, listen, excuse me, somebody, I've got maggots in my Special K. And I will not stand for that. I will not sit here. God damn it, get the maggots out of my goddamn cereal right now. I will fuck you up. You know what they call them? They call them, uh, them MAGA tits.

We got, now, I don't wanna make any trouble, but we got MAGAs, we got MAGAs in us, and I do not like MAGAs, and MAGAs are a threat to my cereal and democracy itself. I think it was, they said the protesters that came in that are behind fucking, they said you have to show eight, your ID eight times to get in. So there's so many walls around that place. It is lock solid.

So there's protesters on the outskirts of town at this point. And I think they're around throwing maggots like they're confetti, and just to fuck everyone's game up. It's, you know... Well, it's like there's lines and lines of protesters and usually the one behind the protesters is more protesters protesting what they're protesting.

And then it goes back and back and back and then 17 miles outside of Chicago, there's people protesting the state of Illinois. They wanted to rejoin Indiana. They're constitutionalists. Was it part of Indiana? Look at how much I don't know. The more you don't know. If you don't know, I don't know it either,

but look at the confidence. Oh, yeah, you do. I go, Dana knows. He's like, don't let me walk you through everything. And then the roll call went on for four hours. That was the great state of Indiana. They always go, we nominate for president the next president of these. They always go, we nominate for president

the next president of these here, United States. Kamala, H-R-W-N-Y-Z, Kamala, Paris. I like when they go, we're the great state of Maine, and we're taking our four voters and giving them to you. We are the principality of the USA, the Guam. The principality of Guam, we have one half of a delegate. He's a dwarf from New Guinea and we nominate. We are the delegates of Gilligan's Island

and we'll give you the professor. We are the delegates of the Guam. Sorry, you have me going. All right, anything else on the DNC? DNC, really? Is that what you want? Is that what you do? Not really, just JFK Jr.

maybe is gonna drop out today and go with Trump. His VP said that, right? His running mate said that. Yeah, and Trump commented, I didn't know which one he said. Go with Trump. His VP said that, right? His running mate said that. Yeah. And Trump commented, I didn't know which one he said, one of them, they're very nasty, they've been very nasty, and you have to look at it, you look at it, they're nasty. They say nasty things, they're not nice, nasty things,

and you can look at it, they keep doing it. And there's one particular person that's very nasty, but I'm not gonna say, I'm not gonna tell you who it is. So I don't know who it was, but somebody. Trump's on Theo's fucking podcast. I love Trump sitting there and Theo going, you know, in fourth grade, my teacher was a raccoon. And he's like, that's good, Theo.

Okay, Theo, that sounds a little different, but sure. And he's like, yeah, so yeah. I kinda feel like a tadpole is a tad too big. What do you think of that? I think you're nuts. I think you're crazy. I don't know. Do you think that Grinch was a real guy, like way back? Yeah, so I didn't hear yet, but I love Theo.

And he gave me a shout out. Of course we love Theo. Love Theo. All right, my hair, we're gonna talk about later. I can't get this to show me from the side, and that's all I want. That's why I'm primping and preening like a peacock. Well, you gotta just stay front and center.

You don't need a side angle. I would, I'll primp less, but the problem is I keep seeing myself and I try to make it better and it's just like, I'm not selling. Well, that is, this is Vanity City because folks, the way we're doing this, I can look at David right now

and then I'm looking at a video of myself. So then you're like, damn, really? How's that possible? I won't say if that's a negative or positive comment. I just go, really? I start to space out, then I go, oh, I'm watching a podcast with Dana Carvey and Nick Nolte. I get so spaced out, I can't,

the drawers in the back. I'm sorry. One, two. All right. Let's look at the headline. All I heard was Nick Nolte. Yeah, I look like Nick Nolte. Yeah. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night.

Save up to $20 per month on Rogers internet. Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you, Rogers. Donald Trump reshares IA generated images falsely claiming Taylor Swift endorsement. I saw this. I think this is supposed to be funny. It's not, I don't think it's a good idea because A, people believe it at first glance. B, it's, I'm, you know, I don't know who Taylor Swift's

voting for or if she talks about it. But are all these fake? I would think, okay, this Taylor Swift one in the middle, as Uncle Sam is fake, but our Swift, maybe their Swift is for Trump, but if you make it AI, maybe I don't believe all of it. They see from every picture, they found the real pictures. Right, I'm saying it, so you either say,

I'm sure some Taylor Swift fans are for Trump, but if you do this, and then you know that's AI in the middle, then you don't believe. I've had, I'm calling all AI, all. Yeah. I'm just saying the idea of it, I don't think is, you know, in the grand scheme of these things, I would say I would stay away from that kind of stuff because AI makes people nervous anyway.

And then if you start saying that. If you reshare something, what is your responsibility to check that it's real? And how do you check that it's real? Yeah. But if you reshare- If it's someone debunking the debunker. So really you just don't know anything.

I know everything, but some people don't know anything. I don't mind. I like deplaning, but I don't like debunking. Mm-hmm. Debunking is probably something you should take in college, because there's so much of it going on. If you were debunking while you were deplaning, what would you be called?

Yeah, I don't think you could do that. That's too much. That's all. That's the only phrases in the human language you start with, the D-E-A. Yeah. Uh, okay, next one. Hmm. Okay. Yeah. Okay, next one. Okay.

Oh. Oh, really? Oh, Caitlin Clark rejects. See again, a million dollars to appear in The View. Come on. They're not gonna pay her a million dollars. I barely get $575 when you do a talk show. Yeah. She says, I believe she said, I'm not a fan of The View.

I don't think anyone's offering anyone money to be on The View. I'm thinking that she's pretty savvy. So I would say she would stay out of this. So I'm calling, can we figure out if this is a real quote? Never. I'm not a fan. Never. Where does, let's just.

I don't even know if that's Caitlin Clark. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, yeah, I don't know. That's Drac from Hotel Transylvania. Yeah, I think that's Clark. Don't laugh at that, Heather. Clark Kent. How many times in, no, I'm gonna say that's AI. This is our AI episode.

Actually, tell us in YouTube comments, because we don't know fucking one thing, obviously. All right, next one. Dunkin Donuts slogan says, America runs on Dunkin. I think I know what that is. What is this? This is a pumpkin swirl frozen coffee.

Who the f*** thought it was a good idea to put this on the menu because this drink has 185 grams of sugar in here. How much is it? It's this much. It's 46 tablespoons of sugar. Oh, this is one because some of this is either a feel-good story or an informative story. This story is how much sugar is in a pumpkin doughnut.

I eat scoffy. Okay, it's 500 grams. Is that a bunch or is it 50 grams? I try not to eat any sugar. I worked with an editor once that had an iced coffee like that every morning and he was trying to lose weight. He goes, this is all I have, this is all I'm having, all I'm having.

And I go, it's a billion calories. It's like just... I haven't had that much sugar since high school. One drink. Yeah, keep it, go easy on the sugar. I've heard, here's another thing you can debunk for me. Cancer can't live unless there's white sugar in your body. Is that a lie?

That sounds like there's some... Well, put it this way, I don't know if that exact quote, but cancer loves sugar. So does heart disease. Sugar is kind of bad in high doses. Watch the sugar. Would you call 185 grams at once high doses? I only have a Coca-Cola every once in a while.

Oh, not cool. How much sugar? Go read it. Oh, man, I gotta shame myself. This is either my hands, I have shack hands, or this is a small one. I know, easy. That makes your dick look bigger. Good job. It's the most important thing in life.

Okay. Yeah. Okay, sugar. 25 grams. Yeah. That's not too bad. You're skinny. By the way, I do these five hour energies now and then, Okay, sugar, 25 grams. Yeah. That's not too bad. You're skinny.

By the way, I do these five hour energies now and then. And every time you turn on like a TikTok, it's like, do you know energy drinks make you tireder? I'm like, oh boy. No, actually a lot of caffeine makes you sleep. I'm like, please everyone, let's not ruin everything. I once got pulled over for sleeping while driving and I said to the officer, I said,

I took a five hour energy drink five hours and 10 minutes ago, it wore off. And I fell asleep. It just knocked you out. And he let me go. You going unconscious? They're working on a six hour energy drink. They've been working on it for years.

They were three hour energy drinks for a couple decades, then they got to five hours. Well, if they could do it eight hours, maybe they could go to work and stay awake the whole time. How about, yeah, a drink that makes you not cranky. How about, yeah. Okay, next one. Okay, here's one.

Okay, here we go. I don't even know what this one is. Okay, ready? We'll, here's one. Okay, I don't even know what this one is. Okay, ready? Let's see what this- We'll see how the tech industry collectively responds to the fact that their threats are not working. Dell fired everybody. 12,500 people now unemployed.

The video reported that Dell wanted people to come back into the office and the employees refused and they won. Well, now they're unemployed. She's wondering how other companies, especially tech will respond. They're responding already by firing remote workers. And the cuts have been increasing over the last year.

2023, over 80,000 cut. April, 2024, almost 120,000 fired. Just two weeks into August, over 60,000 have been terminated. Corporations are already responding. Oh, it's not remote work. You're more likely to be cut So remote work are remote. They'll just fire you by email teams or zoom I hate to say I told you so but I told you so did employees really win by refusing to come back into the office I guess so. Oh, what a hot fucking issue. If they were looking to get terminated, they got what they wanted. Yeah, we're luckily we're sort of doing work by home right now. But, so we can't comment.

Well, we have the capability of interviewing Steve Martin in London or something if we want. So I don't know if it's the same, but you know, on that first headline, he didn't say that they make AI pivot. Dell makes AI pivot. So AI, I know a guy who works with AI and it says that he does half of his job.

You just talk to the AI and it writes a paper or about the, you know, so I don't know. I think maybe what I was thinking is someone told me this at hires and fires at a company we know. And they were saying people come in and say, I'm willing to come in one day a week. And this boss was saying, the problem is,

don't make yourself so invaluable that they don't miss you. Like, if they're saying, who would we cut first? That guy was saying, let's keep the people we have interactions with that work around us every day that we see. And it's easier to take people you don't see, you don't have any relationship that are just like emails

and just say, we'll lop them off first. It sounds like, but I don't know, because I'm not in the workforce every day. Now, when we do a movie or something, you have to be there every day. So there's no getting out of it or TV show. It's a different, weird job, fine. But I don't know if that's,

I think that's what he was saying. I was sort of shocked by the fact they are even are laying off remote workers. I don't know if you could, I don't know what the legalities are. Well, in the early days, I assume it goes on now. It's a little difficult. I know people who employ a lot of people.

And the people I know who work from home, they're like, they're so flexible, they can get all their work done in the morning if it's something that they can truncate, you know? And then sometimes they're, then they go to Cancun and they're Instagramming and then doing their work from 12 to one, then hitting the beach. So I don't know, it's up to each employer

to see if that person is productive enough to be employed. So. Right, I had one that I worked with that would only email me after their day. So they do their whole day, get everything done. You know, their whole day, their personal life. Kids, whatever.

And then from six to around 11 at night, you'd start getting the emails from the day to answer. So a lot of things are only open in the day and only effective in the day. So it doesn't always work. And I do think that the pandemic kind of shifted people's mindset. A lot of young people, the idea of you,

it's sort of European in a way that you work so that you can live. You don't live to work. I mean, we live to work, because it's, we are our job kind of, I don't know. I'm just hanging out with you right now. But I think people just question things, especially young people, what am I doing?

And they're thinking for alternative lifestyles, part of that's work from home or travel or, you know, I don't know. Yeah, it's after, obviously since COVID, flipped't know. Yeah it's after obviously since COVID it flipped the script. Yeah everything. Okay next one I'm gonna take a bite but I'm gonna cut this part out. And now a word from our sponsors at Betterment. Do you want your money to be motivated? Do you want your money to rise and grind? Do you think your money should get up and work? Well, don't worry, Betterment is here to help.

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Obviously I'm on the road, I'm doing this tour, Dana, you're out there. I took my new away bag, let's take a look at it. Heather's here, he's gonna, okay, I'm an international stupid star as you know, yes I've heard the rumor. This is the black one. You're twist a little bit. You're not being good Well sideways. Yeah This is the one so everyone has black but you know

This one is great. You can tie a little thing around it. That's enough. But it's good because it's not completely rock solid. It's got, you know, the, the, uh. Totally. It's got the soft side, right? And these are the best ones in the world. This is a game changer. And you can take it on the plane. So, you know, like when you go out

and you shove all your props and all the things from your act. All my wigs and my Garth glasses. Yeah, yeah. Hans and Franz outfit. And when people kept stopping me to sign a million things, most of them were like, what's that? Is that new? Is that an away luggage? And I have to go through the whole rigmarole with them.

There you go. OK, you can put it down. And they're just getting sore, um, clavicle. It's like Bob Barker. You've got an assistant, holding up away, away luggage. Uh, you know, this is their best seller is the, uh, black best color, but they come in four sizes, four colors. Guess what? I'm a rebel.

Look at this. What do you got? It's kind of a whitish gray soft side. Feel it, touch it, gotta do it. So I love maneuvering. These things can maneuver through an airport like nobody's business. Yeah, cause my old one was like,

I was carrying bricks around and these are a little lighter. You can kind of push them and just, you don't think about it. They have four wheels and they turn and they're very, this pack's a punch. You can fit a lot of stuff into this little guy here. You know, this is like an R2D2 size. It's tear resistant, water resistant,

because you know, those guys don't care. And in your case, fan resistant. It's a shield, get back! Talent resistant. If you spill stuff on it, wipe it off. That's easy. If you cry and your tears hit it, that's fine. It's like water. It thinks it's water even though they are baby tears. And listen, Softside is actually made of high strength nylon. So it's durable and tear resistant as well as water resistant. That's a threesome right there. It holds a lot, it stays upright.

Check out the new soft side luggage from Away and head over to awaytravel.com slash fly. That's us, fly. This phenomenon is just a gang of cicadas. Oh, these cicadas pee. You see, cicadas have an insatiable thirst for the liquid flowing through a plant's xylem system.

To cobble together enough nutrients, each cicada must consume up to 300 times its body weight in xylem fluid. Oh, I love xylem fluid. Which means they have to pee a lot. It does make you pee. Cicadas don't just dribble droplets. They don't dribble droplets. Which is more energy efficient.

They pee harder dribble droplets. Which is more energy efficient. Their relatively large bodies. They pee harder than I do. Allows them to expel jets without being overpowered by the liquid's gross tension. Gross. It's like a mini water gun. Turn it on the volume. And it's not just about staying cool.

We gotta know. The houses underneath those trees, surprisingly their price has held up, which shocked me. There's a lot of real estate moves quickly. I don't know what it is about that, being rained on by, urinated on by some kind of weird insect all day long.

Yeah, I hope you don't mind when you leave your house and enter, you're smothered and spliced in chiketa pee. Yeah, the real estate agent says, we have a very nice kitchen, we have bedrooms upstairs, we have a raining insect urine that will come down in your head when you leave the place. But we're, the owners are willing to negotiate. We're willing to negotiate. It's a great school district, but you've got, you're drenched in chocata pee and it doesn't

come out of your hair and it stinks. It will, you know, it's full disclosure, it's in the contract. Is it cicada or a cicada? What is it? Chocata, I think. Cicada urine will soak you through. We suggest you have a place before you go into your house, you strip down on the deck and you put it on cicada hangers where they also will then, you know.

We have a mud room where, and then the cicadas, but the mud room's also filled with them and they pee on you again. Then they throw up on you. -♪ METAL LAUGHS into your face. We expect you get a dry cloth, you wipe it off, you take a shower, you strip down, you come back. Then you stay away from the opening to the washer and you throw yourself in. This is just true disclosure. We're willing to negotiate.

We want 20% down. Yeah. And they don't like, I mean, cicadas make a lot of fucking noise too, but they're not allowed to say that anymore because it's offensive to them to say that you don't like their pee, so you have to go along with it.

Yeah, the cicadas, I know it's weird, it's offensive to them to say that you don't like their pee, so you have to go along with it. Yeah, the Chicadas, I know it's weird, it's never happened before, but they have technically unionized in terms of ownership of that tree and the unloading of urine. It was a matter of time. So I wouldn't challenge them, they will go on strike. And then you're gonna miss the Chicada.

Oh my Chicada. All right, next one, that was good. We really milked a lot of Chicada pee out of that one. on strike and then you're gonna miss the Chocata. All right next one, that was good. We really milked a lot of Chocata pee out of that one. We milked some Chocata there, I'll tell you that much. Okay, this is just what happens on Instagram that is I guess the realities. The stress of being a girl.

["I'm a Girl"] That's what you can do. I didn't know you could just use a little, I'm not surprised, but I've been so surprised that I've been able to make a digital copy of the movie that I'm making. I'm not surprised that I've been able to make a digital copy of the movie that I'm making. I'm not surprised that I've been able to make a digital copy of the movie that I'm making. I'm not surprised that I've been able to make a digital copy of the movie that I'm making.

I'm not surprised that I've been able to make a digital copy and make it look like you're in a porn film, they can do that. I'm not surprised, but I've been saying this for a long time. Yes. Whatever it is, yeah. You are your digital image. So if that young lady can look like that, or any way she looks, the only way I... It's perception.

...integrate with her is on a digital screen. So if she then has a new body, that is the reality. So I'm all for it. Everyone's gonna look gorgeous. No one's gonna be fat because of Ozempic. Everyone's gonna look stunning because of filters and AIs. The whole world's gonna be gorgeous. And the only rulers of this planet will be Chiquitas.

Right. And the only two people that look like shit are me and you, until I get you on Ozumpik. Guess what? This is pre-filters. Wait till I get the filters. Oh, shit, look out. You think I'm a six now. Wait till I fucking gussy it up with the fucking deesh deesh.

All right, next one. We run a tight ship. Here we go. No idea what this is. What's this guy blabbing about? During a brief two month period, at the tail end of the summer of 1991, seven albums were released that changed the course

of rock and roll history. August 12th, 1991, the Black Album from Metallica. August 12th, 1991, the black album from Metallica. August 27th, 1991. 10, yeah. 10 from Pearl Jam. September 17th, 1991, Use Your Illusions. Guns N' Roses. One and two from Guns N' Roses.

September 24th, 1991. Nirvana. Nevermind. Fucking shit. Lime Nirvana and Blood Sugar Sex Magic. Oh, Hot Chili's. Yeah. In October 18th, 1991. Holy fuck Blood Sugar, Sex Magic, and Hot Chili's, and October 18, 1991, Bad Little Finger, and Soundcard. It is absolutely incredible that all of these albums came out almost in succession.

I was 13 years old at the time. It absolutely changed my life. It changed the course of rock history. And to this day, these albums stand the test of time. That guy with his final, good on him. He had like a million records back there. Yeah, but just picture that. So in two months, there you go,

in two months, those were like Mongo Monster top 100 of all time albums. Kind of some iconic. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Iconic for rock and our generation, absolutely. You know, it's funny, because during SNL we were around what I was around, like 93, 94.

That's I think when we had Pearl Jam, we had Nirvana, we didn't get, and maybe the Peppers, we didn't get Soundgarden. What else do you say? Oh, we didn't get Guns N' Roses. You know, SNL used to have a thing where they wouldn't put some bands on,

they wouldn't put N'Sync on, no matter how big they were. When I was there, they wouldn't put Backstreet Boys. Even if people sold this many albums, they go, it's not us. Oh, because we were rock and roll, basically. Because those were nerdy, yeah, they were considered something else.

Now, anybody sells anything they're on. You know what I mean? Remember when I hosted the VMAs, the one that you wrote on it? Yeah. We had U2, we had Nirvana, we had Guns N' Roses, Elton John. That was a big one.

That was a big one. Don't be jealous. And Nirvana, that, I was there. We were underneath when Chris Novacek threw his guitar up and hit him in the head. The bass guitar and him in the head, yeah. Oh boy, those were the fucking days, my friend. I thought they didn't run.

All right, next one, next one. Oh, good one. Let's see what other cool shit we have. Okay, wait. I'm just saying, when girls complain about guys, guys complain about girls. But this dude puts in the work. He's not the best looking frog or whatever he is. But nobody works harder to impress a potential partner than whatever this guy is.

Let's see what he's saying. Okay. Exciting. Harder to impress a potential partner than this puffer fish. He's in the middle of spending an entire week crafting a delicate sand mural on the ocean floor, just hoping that one female puffer fish will like it enough to give him a chance.

He's a perfectionist in the finished work of art will be a perfectly symmetrical geometric masterpiece over 20 times his size. He's also something of an engineer and has learned that plowing the finer grains of sand to the center will help protect it from the current, preventing the work of art from being washed away immediately. But even so, the current will constantly erase or alter small parts of his work so he can't rest at all, constantly tending to the piece to correct small errors as they happen. And as a final touch,

when the main shape is complete, he'll add sand dollars and seashells around the outer edge as finishing accent pieces. Soon enough, a female pufferfish looking for a mate will swim around as if browsing an underwater art gallery. And if she likes a particular work of sand art, she'll hover over the center of it to communicate her approval. And she'll mate with the male artist in order to deposit her eggs. After she swims away, the artist will stay nearby, fiercely protecting the eggs until they hatch. The white spotted pufferfish is the only species that crafts such highly ordered works of art. And until the species was discovered in the early 2010s,

the constantly reappearing sand circles were a mystery to divers and scientists. But now we know that this little pufferfish... Fuck this dude, I'm already tired of it. Wow. But that's unreal, that dude. What, they say ants are hardworking. No one's talking about puffer fish. The grime.

Yeah. It's a grime. Just to get action. Life. And then he has to protect it. And then, I mean, that was, that puffer fish was seven hours old and it started the circle at five and a half hours,

and their average life expectancy is eight, 8.2 hours. So it's a rough life. I read a lot. I got laid. But he gets laid, and then he's like, I don't even care about this fucking thing anymore. Because he's got so much upkeep. It's like living, worse than living near the beach. He's under the water. And you know the real reason they call him a puffer fish?

Because at the bottom of the ocean, there's nearby alcohol deposits, and that is an absolute alcoholic puffed up fish. And it puffs his face up or he slept on it? I don't know. I've been called a puffer fish because I wake up, it's so swollen. You wake up swollen every day?

In my face, yeah. We'll talk about that later. Doctors are baffled. Okay, next one. I like the alcoholic fish. Yeah. Okay, here's Alicia Silverstone. She had a little situation.

Here we go. I discovered something that I can't figure out what it is and I need your help. I just bit into it because I was on the street and we were discussing whether this was a tomato or not. It's definitely not because look at these leaves. So she randomly walks up to a neighbor. Plucks. So what the heck is this? Because when you open it up, it looks like that. And if I bite it... Dumb. Who's biting someone else's?

I don't think you're supposed to eat this. What is that? It's almost like a pepper. Does anyone know what this is? It's a Jerusalem cherry. I don't know what it is. Any one of you should tell me. I'm in England. So basically, no, it's poisonous. So you're not supposed to eat it. So her comments got flooded with people going, go to the fucking hospital.

Those are... Did the person who planted them and had them grow through the fence so people could block them know they were poisonous? I mean, I don't think anyone thinks you're gonna go eat them, but she, they said, yeah, you're not supposed, you're supposed to not eat them and look at them. And then what did you say? Then no one heard from her. Oh, no one heard from her

first thing. She didn't say anything. And everyone's like, are you okay? She said, I'm okay. I didn't swallow. Oh, funny. There she is. So she didn't swallow it, but it was more of a mystery when she was gone. Because 16 hours. I'm glad she's safe and she's lovely. I just remember I was doing a movie once and talked to some crew members and her name came up, Alicia said, what's she like? She goes, she's got a funny habit of just picking anything

and grinding on it, chewing it up. And so that... It's a good trait was in the 90s. It's a good trait. Yeah, shoulders are grabbing, boom. Yeah, she's a sweetheart, and I hope she didn't get totally sick, but I am not good at just picking things up

that look shiny and pretty and just shoving them in my mouth because that's how you get poisoned. I don't eat mushrooms. Mushrooms are very dangerous. if you're in a mountain, would you eat a mushroom if you just found it? No. No, no, not my Dana. Unless I saw Rob Schneider sitting to it

and saying, it's psilocybin. Take it. Hi, Rob. It's good for emphazema and inflation. I mean, not inflation, but that's what it is. Oh, well, it'll do your tax returns. What? No, give it a chance. All right, let's go to the next one. Don't be like that. Okay, I don't know what this is. I got a client request to write his name on a sock and wear it in a sauna for $400. Oh, this is how people are making money. Forget

OnlyFans. This is a new one I haven't seen. Write the guy's name. Sealed for freshness. Oh, and you have to, sick! So, and I'm guessing only families. So this is what a guy wants. This is what we want, Dana, guys. To have someone, a woman that we think's attractive sign a sock with our name, put it on, go in a sauna, and then send it to us for $400. Oh, put perspiration on it.

And a sickening Ziploc bag. For $400. Yeah. Nice work if you can get it. Mm-hmm. Nice work if you can. Hey, get it. Hey, there's data socks.

How much? Go on YouTube, tell us. They'll send you some filthy fucking socks. A million dollars. Mm-mm. A million? A million. That's too much.

I may only get one or two offers. I admit it, if it's a million dollars, I'll probably only get one or two offers, but it's worth it. You have to write their name on it with a marker. Look, we see the pupper fish slaving. I mean, it's hard to be a man in this world or a fish. It's all tied in. Chicanas are pissing on everyone. Poor lonely guys.

Let's go to the next one. We're lonely all of a sudden. RBC has helped millions of young Canadians turn their most likelies into most definatelies, making their ideas happen with scholarships, internships, and skill development, plus resources for artists and athletes. Learn more at rbc.com slash support youth. Tim's has the flatbread pizza you love at a price that you won't want to skip. Served hot out of the oven in four delicious flavors. Simply cheese, chicken parmesan,

pepperoni and bacon everything. Starting at only 6.99 plus tax. Order yours now. Terms and conditions apply at participating restaurants in Canada. It's time for dance. All right, let's do one more. We're getting, I got so much going on Dana.

I know. I'm turning down things right now. There's a new trend where, I got so much going on, Dana. I know. I have to point. I'm turning down things right and left. Um... there's a new trend where... Oh, I didn't know what to say about this. There's a new trend where women are putting a gap between their teeth. Not a permanent gap.

Oh, a permanent gap. She looks like a beaver. She's like... That's what you want. Look at the song TLC, Unpretty. Is that what the song is that a real song? The funny comment. Who's happy about that? I mean, why would, I mean, let's see famous gap to people Arnold Schwarzenegger, much

more attractive David Letterman. You know, you know, Paul, it's great that everybody's doing this and that. Who else? The guy on Good Morning America. My, yeah, well. David Hartman? From the 60s? That's a first, first.

See? No, who else? I had four teeth pulled in the 60s. That's why I have a tiny mouth. My tooths were like this when I was in third grade. I'm like, oh, and you know what? I will tell you this. I didn't care.

I just thought these are my tubes, you know? And I would smile in a picture like this. I didn't care. I just wanted my picture taken and they were like this. I didn't care, I just wanted my picture taken, and they were like this, and finally someone goes, what's wrong with your teeth? They look fucking so stupid, and I was like, huh? And then they go, wrangle those in.

So when I was in fifth grade, I roped them in with some barbed wire. It was basically braces, but they were so like, out of control, and then I never smiled big again, because they told me I looked bad, and from that day on, they dimmed my light. Well, wait a minute. Don't clip my wings.

You roped in some barbed wire. You made homemade braces with barbed wire? No, but I got braces, but they really had to like... Er, er, er, because they were just... whoo, going every which way. And once I was made fun of, I went into his shell, Dana. I don't know if I've ever come out of it. I've always wanted to...

Anybody who needs dental... It's a handicap not to have straight teeth in life. It's definitely, you know, no one... There are five kids in the family. I was the only one that got braces because I was, my nickname was for for a while, was Bucky. What do you guys figuring to do? You know?

So they said, he's gonna be called Bucky unless you do something. So at first my parents didn't have money, they could only put them on the top. So the bottoms were all like, like crooked. And then the orthodontist said to me, can you just develop a habit of just pushing that tooth and push it back?

That was gonna be- For real? For real. Just could you possibly just push that tooth back over time? But that didn't fly. He goes, Bucky, are you listening to me? I said, I don't think I could do that.

But yeah, it would have been a very different life. But I did pay for the bottoms. When the door closed, he goes, Hey Bucky, you know what a sucky? And you go, I'm sorry, what? And he goes, nothing, what, nothing. And you're like. And then you go, hey, have you seen my new cicada?

Spray the guy in the face with his pee. I'm trying to do your face like. It's so good, you gotta go up to the camera Did you see my new cicada? Pfft. Spray the guy in the face with his pee. Pfft. I'm trying to do your face like. It's so good, you gotta go up to the camera, look right in it. Mm-hmm. You know how to sucky fella, young fella? Well, that's what you do. You go to the camera.

I was going here. Yeah, go to the camera, dude. That's the funniest. Ha ha ha. That was a good one. Mm-hmm. It helps a joke. And mine need help.

It does. All right. All right. So let's, we could wrap on that, right? We did pretty good. I think we did pretty good. We don't want to torture our audience. Smash that subscribe button and we'll make history.

Come see me on the road. David Spade. Where am I going first this weekend? Where are you going, David? Where are you going? Going to Seattle. Seattle next. Going to Hartford, Connecticut. I'm going to, Heather's looking at me, Indianapolis.

Indianapolis. Boise. Boise. Minneapolis, Minneapolis, where I did my last special. It was great. So come check me out. Great audiences there. And we'll see you guys next week.

Thanks for tuning in. See you next week. God save the queen. God bless America to all our troops overseas. God bless you. And to Joe, Joseph R. Biden for 50 years of service. Yeah, the service. All the lights go off in the convention.

Sir, sorry it's over. Kadeesh, Kadeesh, it's over. G'deej, g'deej, g'deej. We're witnessing history. Let's see how this whole thing plays out. It's gonna be interesting. Let me tell you what it is. I'm not even trying to do Trump anymore. Bye guys.

Peace out. Thanks for listening or watching. Goodbye. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it!