Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #33 - Friday the 13th

Episode Date: September 13, 2024

The guys have a lot to get to today. They chat about tipping, flossing, parking etiquette, being stuck in space, large condoms, the debate, and much more. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Add your teen to your Uber account today. I like when I go to sushi and then the dentist goes, do you floss? I go twice a day and then they, meanwhile they pull a live koi fish out of between my teeth and it's like wiggling and I'm like, oh, I mean yesterday, I don't know if I did. They're like, Nemo. Danny, here we are.

Superfly number five trillion. Got lots to go over. It's a super, super, super fly episode. I just got back. This is so stupid. All I tell you is I got back from the road. I'm about to go out for 10 days. So I'm such a colossal pussy, other people's words,

that I have to go to Hartford, Connecticut. Have never been there. Providence, is that right, Heather? Providence,, Connecticut. I've never been there. Yeah. Providence, is that right, Heather? Providence, Rhode Island, which I never rode before. Providence, Rhode Island, you're gonna play there? No. I mean, I think I went there with you.

I love Rhode Island. It's not a road and it's not an island, disgust. That's true. Can I open with that? That was, I think it was a Wayne's World line. I think it was, or Mike did it on, maybe it was Coffee Talk Woman or something. Yeah. I think so. Coffee talk woman.

Rhode Island is not a road or an island. Oh, that's right. Mike had the discuss amongst yourselves. Coffee talk. Coffee talk. So anyway, so I'm going the road. I have Boise and Seattle this weekend. So here's the story. So I was last weekend, we're in the car and we get some nice elderly old driver, very nice guy. And we're driving along. Yeah. Where are you headed Spunky?

I am a model T. Okay, go ahead. I'm gonna interrupt you a lot today. So it's fine, me, Bobby, Catherine. These stories sometimes have no ending, so do whatever you want. No, you got an old driver So it's fine, me, Bobby, Catherine. These stories sometimes have no ending, so do whatever you want. No, you got an old driver, you're on the road with Bobby and Catherine heading.

Yeah. Okay. And it's just, it sounds mean, well, whatever. So he's driving, for no reason, I'm yelling back to Catherine in the back seat, and Bobby, and we're talking like, so when we get there, and then I realize he's got his window fully down on the freeway, so it's like, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, he's got his window fully down on the freeway, so it's like.

And I think it's so funny that he's oblivious to, do you guys want the window open? Do you want it down? And it's just like, and it's so loud that I text Catherine. I go, am I crazy? I can't even hear you. Why is this window so loud? Instead of easily just saying, can you roll it up?

I just want to play it out. And then I say, hey, Catherine, I got some new bits for the next gig. Do you know why all hurricanes are named after women? And she's like, because they cause trouble and they're assholes and everyone hates them. And I'm like, no? This is a fourth grade joke.

I go, it's cause, have you ever heard of a himmocaine? I go, but let's go back to your answer. So she was, so we start laughing about that, that she gave such a like deep, horrifying answer. And then out of the blue, the driver goes, what happened? What, wait, what do you get when a hurricane come meets with a tornado?

We're like, right in the middle of us talking, I go, sure. A lot of people tell us jokes. I go, sure. And he goes, sprout, water sprout, sprout, sprout. And I go, and then Catherine goes, I don't get it. And then I laugh at how awkward it is. And so I go, I get it.

It's funny, Catherine. And then now we both start laughing because it's so dead in the air. And then he goes, sprout again. I go, first of all, you mean spout and you mean water spout and that doesn't even make sense in the joke. I mean, it kind of does, but it's nothing.

It's not on the Richter scale of a joke. It's not registering. So, and then he goes, yeah. And then we start laughing and then I can't stop laughing. And then I can't hear him because he's like, water spout, because the window's still down. So we get there and he comes out and he goes, I'm like, I don't know,

because I have to grease him a little bit, but he goes, yeah, good to meet you. Meanwhile, I'm focused on the 1000 dots of dandruff on each shoulder, which is fine. I get, we all get that. I'm getting a good vibe about this guy. It's gonna be a happy ending, of course. I like him and I tipped him because I go, you know what?

He's a positive guy. He added a joke, fucking bomb, but he's a good dude. And then I'm doing this new thing where on the road, I'm tipping somebody way extra just to put something good out in the road. I'm tipping somebody way extra just to put something good out in the world instead of my regular Scrooge McDuck 1.3% tips. So, no, I tip good anyway, I think. And then, that's what everyone says. And then I tip one guy randomly more. I should show that fucking video of the funny guy. Let's do that. Would you want to show it now? No, I don't even

have it. Oh, I get locked and loaded. If I'm in Vegas, going to the four seasons, like I'm, I'm like a magician. Like all my pockets are full of twenties. Oh yeah. And it usually for me, because I grew up middle class, I'm not a silver spoon, but I'm like, they come at me, Mr. Carvey, Mr. Carvey, and I'm boom, boom, boom, boom. And then the luggage, the boom. And I just, and I know I like to do it because I know what I'm getting paid for the weekend. It's like, you know, and then by the, it takes me about 10 20s, takes me about $200 to get from the car to the room.

Yeah. And back when you go back, literally every time I go, I, Mr. Spade, he picks up my bag. Here's how you work the air conditioner, and there's 20 for that, here's how the door works, you kind of open it and turn the handle, okay, there's 20. And then they go down, and then I go down there and I go, where's my, I go, just load it up, I'm coming down, they're standing a foot from the car,

they handed it off to the car guy, now he's loaded it, and he doesn't close it. So I get in the car and I go, oh, and I get back out and I go, is my stuff in there? And he goes, yes, it is. And I go, oh, there's a new guy. So really I have to dust my bag for prints just to see who touched it, who gets tips.

I'm like money gun. Go to the teller and get four 2020s and just tip your way out, makes them happy. And I think Trump's not gonna tax luggage handlers or is it just waiters and waitresses? Tips in general, I think anybody getting tips. And if you, and by the way, it used to be, you could almost get away with a 10, 20 years ago,

now it's 20s and 20s are a little wispy out. So now hundreds go out more than I'd like, but yeah. I literally had a driver, if he made a good turn, he would go like that for a tip to the back. Every good turn, he put the sand back. I'm like, what do you want now? He's like this, you like that shit? Yeah, you like that?

We just get, we pass that car safely and then there's another, but no complaints, love to tip well. I'm not like Lovitz who like digs into his pocket for like 20 minutes. He brings out a marble, a dead frog, and a scrambled up dollar bill. And a Bazooka Joe comic.

This is all I have. Some gum and some silly putty from 1968 with an imprint of like some cartoon on it. Here's my headshot. We'll have to have John, we'll have to do list all the times we mentioned John and next time we have John on, we have a montage of all the times you mentioned him. And I talked to Dennis yesterday, so he wants to come on. Christ's sake, you know, don't you have me on?

I know a couple of junks, we do that. He goes, I listen to it, Maybe I jump on for round two. So here's what happened to me. I went to the dentist. And I live in the boondocks. And so a new dentist. So the dental hygienist is what I call a Montana woman. Incredibly funny, incredibly nice. She's like, well, we're going to dig on down into the She's like, well, we're going to dig on down into the Mueller's lot. You got to brush upwards and downwards. And then she's telling me her whole story. She goes, my second husband was a drunk and cheating, a wife beater.

And my daddy came to me and said, honey, that's the best you can do. Best I can do. I didn't talk to my daddy for six months. So she divorced that guy. So then I've got this really smart dentist with these incredibly three-dimensional x-rays. He puts all my teeth up there and it decomposes me. Okay, this one we're going to have to take out an implant. This is a crown. You see the crack? See the cracks here? See that? That's going to fall out. He said, I had 40 year old fillings in there and they got to go. So I need six crowns.

Mercury fillings? Mercury? Yeah. That explains a lot. They don't like mercury ones. Then afterwards she goes, how'd it go? I go, I need six crowns. Holy shit, that's a lot of crowns, but he does them real good like. When my husband hit me, he knocked four crowns out. He called me Meghan Markle because I kept losing crowns. Well, she's a dental hygienist.

She said when she was in high school, the dentist said to her, you're going to be wearing dentures by the time you're 40. I said, fuck that, and I started flossing and brushing, and next thing you know, I got pearlies, wanna see them? Then she smiled at me, but she was so cool. Well, do you floss? This is a real question, and I'm not. Yeah, then we wanna educate our audience,

not jokes all the time. Dental hygiene. Do you floss? Absolutely. And I brush a lot. And when you, do you lie about how much you floss when they ask? No, here's my question for you. Okay. Do you, so you go out, you know, and you have a big, big,

you know, Monte Cristo sandwich and fries. And so you've got a lot of shit in your mouth. Do you enjoy that feeling or would you rather kind of clean, clean that crap out? Do you like to walk around with dirty teeth? Because I've noticed some of the dinners we're at not looking good. There's lots going on. I like when I go to sushi and then the dentist goes, do you floss? I go twice a day.

And then they, meanwhile, they pull a live koi fish out of between my teeth and it's like wiggling. And I'm like, oh, I mean, yesterday, I don't know if I did. And they're like. They put one. Nemo. That's my rolling stone cover. Look it up.

Oh yeah, you're like this. Look it up. Fish. The thing is, is first the dental hygienist butters you up. Like, these look pretty good is first the dental hygienist butters you up. Like these look pretty good. I gotta be honest with you. It looks very nice. And then it's very slowly, but surely, but I skipped that tooth too sometimes. You gotta get down at the right angle and really get grind against the tooth. And so she taught me, but I do it.

My dental hygienist does it, you know, they come in, my real dentist who cashes the big checks, I don't see her, I walk in and then the dental hygienist is like, like, yo, you waited seven months, not six, we got to get in there, you know, so she's in there with like a pitchfork and it's all the noisy scraping. Then after an hour or 10, I'm all done. And then my dentist walks in with a mask on, you good fist bump, see you later. And 900 bucks. I'm like, you sort of-

And then you go in the Zoom room for your pearly whites, right? You go in and get your teeth whitened with what they call a Zoom thing. No, I haven't done that. But I do need to. And they always say, you need x-rays. They say it no matter what.

I know. And I just do a love it. I go, you need an X-ray. They're like, I beg your pardon? Oh, quickly before we get to the regular stuff and the headlines, this is kind of a headline because Heather was telling me about the space, people that are stuck.

It is odd they're stuck in space. That makes me scared. There's a couple layers to it. Dana, you know, they shot some astronauts up for a fucking three day Memorial Day weekend. They're just supposed to beep bop boop, hey, touch Mars, come back, whatever. I don't know what they're supposed to do.

First of all, going to space sounds like a drag. Second of all, you're going with someone maybe, you know, like it's someone like office worker basically, and you don't know if you get along. Just two of them. And they can't get back. So worst case scenario, can't get back, right? And they go, maybe next year, next year.

Yes, yeah. For SpaceX to get a rescue ship ready to go. And aside from the fact that they have no food, and I hear they're sending food to them, and you think, well, if the Uber Eats guy is like knocking on the side, and you're like, what if we just ran back with you? He's like, no, no, well, if the Uber Eats guy is like knocking on the side and you're like, what if we just ran back with you? He's like, no, no, I just dropped the food. So I guess they're getting food in Tang somehow. Well, with the space station can run out of food, wouldn't they have like a two-year supply of freeze-dried food? I guess, but it's like Gilligan's Island. This

is supposed to be like a three-hour tour. And then, and then they heard monster noises. a three hour tour and then they heard monster noises. They heard monster noises and then it found out that the male astronaut was making scary noises to scare the female astronaut. No, is that true? No, I made that up, but it sounded funny. Oh, Heather was about to get debunked. But here is the deal, and if Heather doesn't know this, the Boeing Starliner, they didn't want humans on it,

but they did it remotely and it made it back to Earth. But they didn't wanna take the chance it would blow up with the people on it, which I don't blame them. So their Boeing Starliner went back to Earth. Now they're truly stranded until Elon Musk. Elon Musk is gonna drive. Elon will save the day.

But he'll actually be on the SpaceX to greet them and bring up the town. Mm. Chomp. Are we going to stop? But what we're doing is we're really going to rescue the astronauts. I don't think you understand, Don. They're also saying they want volunteers to go on a one-way trip to Mars. I'm like, pass. That's a, pass. That's a hard pass.

Except. You want to go, you have too much going on. Well, look, he put a Tesla in space. You know that, right? And what he didn't tell you is that two people who starred on, I think F troop actually drove that Tesla to Mars and are now on Mars? F-Troop. F-Troop. Please don't say a show that old, please.

Everyone thinks we're 31. I was trying to think that they would be old. They're like 98, so like, fuck it, let me go to Mars. I don't give a shit. Yeah, I mean, you have to have almost zilch going on. You can't just go to Mars and be like, I can't even brag that I went to Mars because there's no one to talk to. You can't do anything.

There's shitty Wi-Fi. That's true. Okay, I agree with you. I don't want to go to Mars. There's like one Banana Republic. There's almost nothing going on. There's nothing bumping, nothing popping. Old Navy closed last year on Mars. There's maybe one strip mall. They're very, they're not, they're not up to date.

And it's full of Martians. Yeah, and Martians are not, not to be mean, but there's, all the Martians are eating all the cats and dogs and ducks on Mars. Glad to give you a nice- Topical, borderline political. Let's talk about Taylor Swift first, how she cosigned Kamala. She just won the election. I just don't know.

I mean, I know she has 238 million followers. It's a very tight election. She's so far as of this morning, she's got 337,000 Swifties to go on vote.gov. So it would be interesting. Not only is she the biggest entertainer on the planet, that she really could she turn the election? I know that Don Rickles endorsed Nixon and he won. So all right. Yeah. That's her, her statement. Um, just that's fine. I'm trying to read what she's saying. Oh yeah. Oh, I told you that AI thing was stupid.

Putting her, I don't know who put that out there. Some would be funny, but it was dumb. Yeah. Those things you always, everything is like, is it true? Is it true? Oh, I didn't know she wrote so much. I just think it's kind of interesting that she is such a huge presence globally

that maybe she will make the difference in the election. That's just interesting. I think she won it for him, for her. Because unless Selena Gomez comes out and says the opposite and cancels out all their Instagram people because they both have like. If Selena comes out and endorses Trump, then it'll be a dead heat.

And then if, you know, Ludacris comes out and co-signs. He has a lot. I'm just trying to come up with an abstract name you wouldn't expect. Dana, you don't have a chart right there, do you, on your wall? I know my influencers pretty darn well. I think if David Portnoy wrote Rodin, Bobbitt, or Portney. You know, the guy who rates pizza. Chicken fry, they get involved. I love that guy. If you haven't seen him do this, folks, watch on YouTube.

He goes to a pizza place. He comes out on the sidewalk. He takes a bite of the pizza. It's basically basic cheese pizza. He chews it and thinks for a second and he's trying to give it something between one and 10, but he goes into the decibels. He goes, he chews a couple of times. He goes, I'm going 9.2 on this one. You know, and it's like, how does he know it's not an 8.8? I mean, it's-

The worst is if he goes six, three and the guy behind him just goes, well, let's fold up shop now. He said 5-2 and then the guy ran out and baked some pizzas with the pizza cutter. Hey, I caught you up with the pizza cutter. And it wasn't Italian. All right. All right. Let's go to the first story.

Let's go. Oh, wait, let's talk about the debate. We didn't talk about the debate, did we? The debate. Well, the only thing I can say is that Kamala did a good job. It was in the media that she was going to try to bait him and get him to go down a rabbit hole. She really debated it. I assume he was aware of it, but she comes out with your rally. It's say to Donald Trump, your rallies, people are leaving, they're bored, they're not that big. And then he's like a bear trapped. He's like, my rally, excuse me, excuse me.

We're supposed to debate the inflation, the border, the world issues. And we spent about 20 minutes on it. We got the greatest rallies and the biggest crowds you can see, you can't believe how big they are. Nobody leaves, guess are. Nobody leaves. Guess what? Nobody leaves because they love it and they love it.

They're doing it and look at it and think about it. It's what we're doing. So that was a good on her. It was a good tactic. I know. Five minutes later, they're like, what do you think? And he's like, I just have to talk this fucking bitch again about the rallies because not one person has ever left.

And then they're like, please, sir, let's just talk about the issues. I know she shouldn't even be allowed to say that. 20,000, 25, 30,000 people, more people than you could ever believe. And many people are talking about it. Let me tell you, and if you look at it, you see it, that no one's ever at a rally like I have.

She was smart. They go, Kamala, what's going on with the border? Why is it such a disaster? She goes, well, this guy's 4'10". He can't see over the border. Well, he's like, excuse me, I'm not 4'10". If you can clearly, and then he goes crazy. Excuse me, I'm bigged up here and I'm big down there

and I'm big everywhere. I wear a size 12. She just kept hating him. He kept going. Not literally, but that part of the debate, I mean, she just kept hating him and he kept going. Not literally, but that part of the debate, we're coming at this neutrally, independently, just saying that was an observation that was funny. Who cares?

And what about, oh yeah, let's show the video of, I guess, the president, Joe Biden, who's just meandering around the country. Where in the world is Joe Biden? He's still the president of the United States. Oh my God. So he's out somewhere, and then he's having fun with the gang. He's at a fire station,

and someone hands him a Trump hat. God, did he get pranked. And he put it on, but he knew it was a Trump hat. Yeah. Did he? Why would he do that? Yeah. I think he said, because we should come together. But he knew it. But the main thing is look how happy he is. I don't think. Show the video. Do we have the video? Do we have the video? This is like scene, the last time you've seen it. Yeah, it's, it's, he's in senior ditch week.

Yeah, it's June 10th to him. Okay. Here's the exchange senioritis, the full exchange by sure. All autograph a hat. The man you remember, you remember my name. You remember your name. He really said that. I don't remember my name.

I'm slow. You're an old fart. Yeah, I'm an old guy. Yeah. You would know a lot about that. I guess this is real. I need the Trump at it. Put it on. Puts that put the hat on. The man goes, I'm proud of you now. So though, is that real that he said to him? Here it is. President Jaseel. You're an autographer? Sure, autograph. You remember your name?

I don't remember my name, I'm slow. Here, give me that hot dog, I'll sign it. Yeah, I know, man, I'm an old guy. And you're an old person. I knew you would know about that. What? I'll be an old. I know. I'm a young timer.

Take your time with that autograph. It reminds me of the guys I grew up with. There was always one in the neighborhood. No, I'm the only one. Geez, this isn't really Laurel and Hardy here. I need that hat. Hell no! You know my name!

Put it on! You're going that far! You're going to do a filthy thing! God, he's killing! Why would he put it on? Even as a joke, it's bananas! He just thought it was the funniest thing in the world. And now they're best friends.

His own guy almost shot him. He's like, you can't do it. Hey, they're good. Thank you. They're good. You got your fried chicken. I hope you like the pizza. You guys pick the best again.

I don't know where this is going. He's gotta get off the stage. Fucking shit. That was his finest moment in his presidency. I don't know where this is. Where is it? He's got to get off the stage. But. Fucking shit. That was his finest moment in his presidency. I thought it was. Took him 32 minutes to sign one hand. I was like.

I know. Let me get it on. He's doing jokes and stuff. He's like this. I'm kind of slow. Is he in space? Guess what? You got the pen.

Yeah, he was a. I put that on. Listen, I don't even know if he's, he's not a headliner. I don't even know if he's... He's not a headliner. I don't even know if he's a middle, Dana. I would just say he seemed likable, affable, on point. You're so positive. Well, I just think it's ironic

that he's about to get scooched out, you know? Oh, he got scooched already. Oh, yeah. He barely came up at the debate. They're like, who was that one guy that used to be president? She's like, I know his name. Oh, he's still president.

Everyone's like, is he? And everyone asks around. Moderator, is he? He is. Yeah, I was the one who debated the bill with Fig Newton. Fig Newton. Fig Newton? Who's Fig Newton?

He's the president of California. Dumb shit. Fig Newton and then I close the deal with Lorna Doone. Lorna Doone and Fig Newton. I think those are Laura Scudder snack treats. And I'm Senator Fritos and Senator Frito, who said, that's my dog Nabisco. And the guy in the crowd said, you're not the crispiest chip in the bag, are you?

Yeah. Well, he did a great job. That's our summary. I try to be positive with everybody. You know, Trump got the lines, the memorable ones, but the one he said ago about Biden, he goes, hey, here's a secret for you. He hates her. That was such out of the blue. I was like, what? That was entertaining. Here's a secret. He hates her. He hates her very much.

And if you look at it, you think about it. He hates it like you wouldn't believe. But, but guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Kamala didn't respond to that. So smart. Didn't say no.

She'd go, oh, he likes me. I have a great relationship with Joey. That's crazy. Well, she's like, I hate him worse. Though they can't be BFFs anymore after that whole thing went down. I mean, what went down? I was out of the country for a bit.

Oh, shh. They got rid of him and then she's the president now. But you know, he doesn't know what, but by the way, he's still the president for another half a year, whatever. So till the end of January. Absolutely. He's the president. These here are United States. So I'm just watching the wheels go round and round. I really like to watch them roll. You know, people say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing, but you know what song I'm referencing? That's a good way to wrap it up.

They don't know that, I know that. Watching the Wheels, John Lennon. Our crowd, we just got the test back there between six and eight years old. ["Wheel of Life"] Apparently when they sang, we don't need another hero, they weren't exactly right. We do need another hero. Hero Bread is a new sponsor and they sent us some Hero Bread, which, you know, with

their Labor Day grilling. Dana, I know you get grilled when you come home at night, but Labor Day grilling is great. Outdoor entertaining. Bread and buns are essential. We all know this when you've got hot dogs and hamburgers. Yeah, and sandwiches. And just because, David, it's summer doesn't mean you have to cut out all carb-heavy foods you love. No, listen, Hero Bread reinvented bread. They get it. It's fluffy, it tastes good. No net carbs, zero grams of sugar, fewer calories, plus they sprinkle a little protein and fiber.

And now they have melt-in-your-mouth Hawaiian rolls. I was addicted to Hawaiian rolls growing up. Guilt-free summer sliders you can make. It tastes great. I mean, Hawaiian rolls kind of have a specific taste and they nailed it. It threw me back to being 12. I'm literally getting hungry reading this at for the first time. See, because you can tell they're going to send you some and you're going to love it.

Listen, they have seeded bread also, because you're always looking for something. If you're gonna eat bread, you go, what's a better way to do it so it's not just bad for you in quotes. Not really bad for you, but you know. Right. They solve that problem.

You get a little fiber, you get less sugar, more protein. So now the guilt is gone. Put it in a picnic, take it out, French toast, whatever you do. I usually just do toast toast, maybe throw a little avo on it, avocado. Sounds like a blast. Yeah, it's so fun. Actually, we didn't even miss you.

It was just me and the bread. Pocket hero bread for a picnic lunch. Count me in. Yeah, listen, delicious, flavorful. You're craving it. I'm craving it. And I have it, I did not split it with you, I will next time.

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dollar plus tax. The next weekend practice, dollar plus tax. Your cousin's kid's birthday, dollar plus tax. And the next day that ends in a why $1 plus tax $1 small premium roast coffee every single day must be McCaffey Plus tax at participating restaurants in Canada prices exclude delivery How about let's get some headlines? Okay, these two beauties and there's and there's their son that no one knew they had a kid, the guy in the corner,

they've already had a child. Dude, that guy's the funniest one in the picture. Look at how coofty he is. Well, is that a Secret Service guy, the undercover or something? I don't know. He seems like such a, like a Brooklyn kid. You know, it seems like that Kelsey could just pick him up and use him as a puppet or a dummy.

First question is Dana, do you have this outfit? Yes. Would you wear it? Well that's just called a checker box dress. It's all Gucci. But I like when, because when these women date these guys, they immediately, it's a project. So she's obviously got him dressed, you know,

he's an athlete. This guy, I don't think he's an athlete dressing like that. Is that what you call a bucket hat? I guess. Is he wearing a bucket hat? You gotta be, you gotta be a stud. You gotta be 6'6", 280, all muscle to wear a bucket hat and carry it off. Brad Pickle wore one. I will tell you one person that that reminded me of that wore a hat like that. It was, let me see if we can pull it up.

Yeah. Remember in grownups. That's Kevin James, ladies and gentlemen. That's the first bucket hat. And you know, when we did the scene, I didn't know he was doing that. We were walking into whatever the scene was, and I thought he was goofing around with this.

And then they said, action. I'm like, he didn't take it off. That's the thing. It's always keeping the best. It turns out to be like the funniest thing, yeah. Yeah, Chris Rock. And when anyone sends me Halloween costumes where they all dress like us, the five of us, it's like a good group thing. Someone always gets to wear the bucket hat. And that's the most...

Oh, now I'm going to cry. It's very funny when you do a movie and it's a compliment if it turns into a Halloween costume. You know, there's definitely Wayne's World out there. There's Joe Dirtz, there's llamas from the Embers New Group. So when you see a character you did from something, that's really fun. So it was fun to see this, even though we're getting away from the original picture.

But okay, all right, move on. Didn't they put on heavy PDA at that game and it was like a problem? Taylor Swift and her boy toy. Oh at the game? That's a funny joke. Oh here they are again. This is giving off duty line cook in his 20 year old hostess girlfriend. Girlfriend. What does that mean? That means he looks like a line cook leaving work with his hostess girlfriend.

Oh I see. Well, yeah, if you're dressing funky like that, yeah, he's got the striped pants, a sleeveless shirt. Yeah, that's, that's, you know, but she's always to the nines, right? With boots and stockings and jewelry and big lips. I mean, I shouldn't comment on this cause I don't know anything, but yeah, I would think she used to always dress great. And I like that the stupid comment waste time by saying we're

pretending she looks 20. Um, this is a joke and she does kind of look 20 and it's funny for the joke. I don't know if we should actually get online and give that dumb comment. Um, yeah. Fucking joke killer. Like, look, really I've heard she's not 20. I just Googleled it. She's higher.

I've been 35 before. And if you stay out of the sun, use moisturizer. You can pretty much look very, very young. You know, I was a little different. We'll see. No, listen to this bullshit. I want to hear. Def Leppard journey.

Joe Elliott. We went over this. We went over this. We went over it. When I went to buy my two $22 beers, I got fucking carded, I didn't tell you this. I got carded, Dana, my cherubic face. And I go like this. The funniest part was he goes, ID?

And I go, give you ID to buy the beer? Okay. Then I go like this. And he goes, ID? And I go, give you ID? To buy the beer? Okay. Then I go like this. And he goes like this. Okay. You don't go, boy, you're way older than, he just goes, just make sure it's matching up. But it was legit?

Cause I had a legit one at 53. I think it was legit because he didn't say anything about me. He didn't card other people around you. He didn't card her. I was the only one. He wasn't like, we have to card you. He was empty. So I walked up and then he goes,

I go two beers and he goes ID and he held them back. And I go, but he wasn't being like jokey. But he literally was kind of saying that you, it's flattering that you might you might be 20. Maybe I was 20. Yeah. Maybe you were 20. I think it was more we have to card everyone. That yeah. Well if you wear a turtleneck clean shaven with a baseball cap give a mangle and say I'd like some bazookaa Joe gum and a quarter vodka. Yeah. You know,

and some rubber rubbers. Did you ever buy condoms as a teenager? Yeah, but I'd always you never use them. Give me a comb, a yo yo, some magnums, and maybe a slurpee. Yeah, I would like a half of a cow and the largest condoms you make. So I would go in and go, so the XXXL extra large, that's the biggest?

There's nothing else in the back that's bigger? No, sir, that is the biggest one we make. Nothing in the back. Really? There's nothing bigger. This is absolutely the biggest. I mean, it was so frustrating. I know, the worst is I'd get the biggest, biggest,

and then just show off. But then it was embarrassing when the girls are in, I have to tie it off with a bungee cord. Oh, you're going back to the grumpy old man from 19 to 90s. Oh yeah, bungee cord. That's a joke that you wrote for my character. In my day, we didn't have thin latex condoms. You got a, what was it, a

bearskin? You got a bearskin and you tied it off with a bungee cord and we used the same one over and over again. That killed on Saturday Night Live. Wash it once a year in the crick. Mm-hmm. I want to be a grumpy old man. You are. Next one. Oh. Oh, Shannon Sharp had a... I don't know what to say about this, but Shannon Sharp, I guess this happened this morning. He had a sex tape. Live? He live-streamed it? And then he was... Embarrassed? And then he was hacked.

Ski-up. Ski-up. Ski-up Baileth. They're like,x. Skip, skip, skip Baileth. They're like, are you with Skip Baileth right now? Skip, skip. I don't know. No, no, no. Skip, skip. I guess he was having S-E-X and then, but how are you on live stream?

Well, first of all, how often does he have sex on camera? Like, is it eight out of 10, nine out of 10? Second of all, how long, how many times has he live streamed it? Was he surprised? He's clearly embarrassed. Because he said it was hacked. It's a accident in quotes. By the way, the AI is saving everybody because you can say UFOs are AI. You can say anything's AI now. So you can say AI took over my phone, that sounds like me, it's not. And then also, but at least he admitted it. I mean, who

cares? At a certain point, like this isn't going to hurt him. It's going to make him sound cool or something, right? Well, and once again, is the whole thing made up? Have our people reached out to Shannon Sharpe's people? No, we don't have people. I don't believe, I'm not even sure you're here on the show with me. Could be a digital copy. You know that. Come on, you know that.

Come on. Not possible. Guess what? It's not really you. Because I know it could be you. I know how it looks, you look too good to be you. Ha ha. That's better you got out of it.

He he he he. Little, little, little, little. Next joke please. Now one you. Oh boy. Here this is a cute one. We do a couple feel good. This girl plays charades and she's very good at it.

Watch. Story is animals. Animals, what are they? Go. Flamingo. Yes. Go. Horse. Spider. Yes. animals what are they go flamingo yeah horse Whale. Is there anything wrong? There's no wrong guesses?

Seahorse. Seahorse? Seahorse. Seahorse. Walrus. Yes. Damn. I love how happy the parents.

No, no. What, you made that up. No, no. Piper. This kid is hysterical. First of all, they got 10 out of 10. That was a record. There is, I used to do a bit on the power of the cuteness

of like a two-year-old or a three-year-old. They're like insanely innocent and adorable. I think she was maybe two and a half. No, probably higher. What do you think? I mean, there is an age where a kid will go like this. You can't see me. Can you see me?

Everything is adorable. Everything is crazy adorable. Two to four. Yeah. I lost that. And they get me about three years ago. Like my huge cuteness factor. Remember when you first got on SNL and I was in the office, you came in, Mr. Carvey, can I come in? And I just sort of said, come here, you're a new cast. I lifted you up, put you on my lap, and I said, how are you doing, buddy? And then it got weird, because I got a boner. Anything that ends with boner.

And then I hear Dennis Miller looking through the door going, Christ Carvey, I should have knocked for Christ. Making a twillipris dummy. This is still working. Christcarf. Dennis used to go, can you slide a couple fucking update jokes under my desk, make yourself useful?

You got shut out at read through, got time on your hands. It's like, God damn. There's no one like Dennis. No escaping the beating. So funny though. But he was right, I gotta write update jokes. I did try. It's just too hard to write for Dennis. No escaping the beating. So funny though. But he was right. I got to write update jokes.

I did try. It's just too hard to write for Dennis. He's too good. He writes his own jokes better. Dennis is a joke machine. Okay, go ahead. Let me see if I messed up. Okay, what is this?

Okay. This is... Oh, I just have a question. When you're trying to park in the real world, this is just a random stupid one, this is a social study. Are you allowed to save spaces? Okay, play it. Because see this guy, he's laying down in a space and this guy wants to park. Look at, he's pushing him. He's bumping into him. I don't know if I need the guy laughing on the camera. So he's sitting in a space to save it for his friend.

Right, for someone circling the neighborhood and he's saving it. That's a weird one. I don't know where the jurisdiction and the laws lie. That's where people just take over and go, this is just sort of a street thing. If I stand here, you can't park here. I'm waiting for my friend to park here. That's so odd. That'll get you a beat down. I think first person there wins. I don't know if I would do that, you know? Because it's like- You wouldn't lay on a car and let it back over you? That part I kind of like. That's a little sexy in a weird way. I can't explain why,

but the pushback and he's like, but no, I'm saying I wouldn't do it. Would John love it? Do it. We golfed yesterday and he goes, and I was out, I was out by the pro shop in the back and he came up and he goes, there you are. He goes, I was going to pay this time. And I go, oh, I didn't pay, go ahead. And he goes, how about I buy lunch? Well, he said, well, that's not the right answer. No, no, I haven't paid. The right answer is you pay.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I came out to say this. I came late, so you would have paid. That's not the correct answer. No, and then I bought actually a pullover and he goes, I'll buy you a hat if you want. I go, just buy this. No, a hat.

And I go, John, don't even say it. Like, I don't want a hat, I want this. You want to buy this? No, I'll be on the course. Then he runs out. Did you golf much or did you just sort of, he does wobble. I just laugh at him, he's funny, yeah. Oh, he's funny the way he walks, yeah.

No, he- He gets stuck in the sand trap and all the weeds. He's like, help! Help, I'm trapped and I can't get out of the trap. By the way, the golf pro, he hates me because he saw this and he goes, you told a story and it's not even close to being true. I go, I got about 20% of it right.

That's not enough. So it is enough because I go, I tell the funny version. So he is losing balls to say he plays good, but he lost two on one hole. And so the pro comes by and he talks to us for a while and he thinks he's like a PA on a movie and he goes, hey, can you, can you go, if you find those two balls in the rough, I'll tip you or something. And he goes, no, I'm okay. And he goes, I'll give you one if you find. I'm like, he's the golf pro

of the place. He's just coming out to chat, but he thought he was like a worker that was gonna get excited to make three bucks or something. And he goes, yeah. If you clean off my driver, I'll give you a $5 bill. Yeah, and then the guy goes, he's nationally ranked. Yeah, and he goes, and he's just trying to bullshit.

And then he goes, hey, John, can I get you a cheeseburger when I go back again? And he goes, no, I'm fine. I just ate. And I go, he's joking, John. He doesn't wanna be your bitch. Intern, yeah. Anyway, go ahead, next story.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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It's either Living with Lovitz, we'll check the crowd here. That's not bad, right, Heather, you guys? Heather, Living with Lovitz or Living La Vida Lovitz, we'll check the crowd here. That's not bad, right, Heather? You guys, Heather? Living with Lovitz or Living Lovita Lovitz. It's funny, right? We just watch him doing this all day. How about John Lovitz? It took one day to know him and 20 years to believe it.com.

One day to meet him and 20 to get rid of him. I talked to him right before I came on this show. What did you say? Oh, how about Lovitz or Levitz? That was his dating show. I think that was his dating show. Oh, he does have it. That's Heather's idea. Oh, Heather's pushing back.

Lovitz or Lev it, here we go. Okay, this is just a sickening story of, I didn't know they had this, I knew the hot dog eating. How about grotesque pickle juice? Okay. Go ahead. Three, two, one, go! Sick, sick. What are you really winning in life with that? I love, you know, humans used to get up at 4 a.m. and work for 15 hours, sing kumbaya,

get a shot of whiskey, go back to bed. Now humans have a lot of downtime. So someone somewhere said, let's do a pickle juice swallowing competition. I love it. Did you ever go over Niagara Falls in a barrel? There's rumors that you did. No, I did not. I've been in Niagara Falls and did a gig. I watched the falls. It doesn't always work out for those guys, right? What would be, if you had a thing what you could eat the fastest or drink the fastest, what would be the most pleasant had a thing what you could eat the fastest or drink the fastest,

what would be the most pleasant thing that you think you would wanna? You have five seconds. I have five seconds to eat it? To answer this question. Oh, edamame. Oh, okay. I eat edamame pretty fast.

But I guess, I mean, what do you not have to chew? Pickle juice is good because they didn't say that he also won the farting contest right after. Right. And the next door is the load in your pants booth where you could win a prize. Yeah, what a fun carnival. I like there's a crowd there going,

oh, I can't wait to wait in line to see the one second event. Go to the jackoff tent and see an amazing show. Excuse me? The fully loaded diaper symposium. It's a horrible, horrible carnival. That's my only point. Okay, that's it.

All these horrible things. Freak show. Okay, next one. Maybe I'm giving you duds, Dana. Oh, this is... Oh, I'm a dud. No, I'm a dud. Japanese game show, they're always funny.

This one, she has to serve dinner in a tilted room. What a dumb idea. It's so funny. Here she comes. This looks like an SNL sketch. This looks like an SNL sketch. So dumb. So that's a game show? Yeah, if she can do it, she wins.

But of course, she botches utterly ridiculously false. Well, yeah. It looks like a fake fall, but it's still funny. The language just sounded cool. Makes it funnier. It's still funny. The language just sounded cool. Makes it funnier. Oh.

Don't make me do it. Don't do Japanese. Oh, here we go. Oh, I'm gonna do a French man. French man in an earthquake. Okay, ready? Because we had an earthquake today. Yeah.

And she let go to be a closer. She let go to be a closer. And she let go to be a closer. Now I'm going Japanese. Sorry. I can't believe it. I went into a Japanese accent when I was doing a French accent. I like the French guy. Where is he though?

Is he just in his office or he's like going to be... Yeah, it's just cause there's no words. He's on a Zoom meeting. Right. He's on a Zoom meeting. He's on a Zoom meeting. Oh yeah, also. There we go. He sounds kind of like the Japanese guy. They both have a similar reaction. Everyone screaming sounds the same.

Yeah. That Quaker this morning, it was like my house got hit by a bus. It was like, it like kind of shook me off my hinges for a second. And then it was like, they said it was a five one. That's, that's actually substantial. Yes. In Malibu. I was at the Mandalay Bay in Vegas and there was a big earthquake in Vegas. That got my attention. Is that when you go like this and you're in a high building? Yeah, it's just shaking. And I thought to myself, what are the odds of this happening in Vegas?

And you can bet that. People like to watch me preening on here. I'm looking at my hair. People love you watch you preen. They love it. They love the preening of the spade. You should have a rap album with all these ladies next to Rolls Royce and you in a fur coat.

It's called Embarrassment of Bitches. All right, do we have any more? Show us more. The crowd is like clamoring. We're actually gaining followers as we talk. Oh, I laugh at this because this is for the theater majors with the pushy teacher. Okay, I'll just show you what happens.

Okay. That time our teacher wouldn't get off the stage at our sixth grade musical. Sixth grade. Why do birds suddenly appear every time you love me? She just stops. Her teacher took over. What an asshole. Wow. I'm like, what the fuck in the corner? Get off the stage.

She keeps going. They're unionizing and revolting. You see them walking down the steps like, what are we doing here? I know. So classically funny. Yes, that's just, that's right out of some Will Ferrell movie or something. Or David Spade movie.

Yeah. Yeah. There are people who just love, my sister who's visiting with me, just loves karaoke, loves the stage. She's like literally like Lucille Ball, like she just loves performing. So that teacher got into teaching and then just couldn't help herself. Stole the focus from that cute little

sixth grader that had a good voice. Yeah. She sang one line and she went, what are we doing? And then she took them. Yeah. And she said, Fudge it. She didn't sing duet. She just said Fudge It and walked away. You know, it kind of made me miss Karen Carpenter because that song is sort of.

I love her so much. OK, Dana, ready? Do you know that Karen Carpenter is one of the best drummers that ever lived? I heard this. Like a genius level. All right, here we go. We didn't even talk about that God dang girl on Dancing with the Stars.

It's Steven Paul. The pommel horse guy got on, the kind of supposedly nerd that you remember. Oh, that guy. Yeah, yeah. Great that he's on, but then that criminal, Anna Selvig. Anna Selvig of Delva Vunga. Yeah. So she gets on and she's wearing a fucking ankle monitor. I know it gets them a lot of attention, but is that what you want your kids

watching be a criminal and it'll pay off and it paid off big. She had to write a book. They did a movie about her because she, she ripped off everyone. And everyone's like, guess what? You guys, well, guess what? Here's the deal. And by the way, the woman who was break dancing the Olympics and came out with sort of this really nerdy off, she's number one in the world.

I heard that. I took a picture of that. I thought that was so great. Yeah. Oh yeah. Number one break dancer in the world. So it shows you that, you know, you never know. So wearing an ankle bracelet, ankle bracelet, no, an actual device on the stars. For real an ankle bracelet? No, an actual device on Dancing with the Stars?

For real, an ankle bracelet. And Reagan, I don't know if she's in any sort of trouble with the police, but she should not accept that because she got so much hate over the fact that her guy she was with is on the board that got the picker, whatever the story was. Of course, I have no facts. Well, I read I read about the judge who's sent to that. You will be under house arrest for six months and you will wear a monitoring device on your ankle. And this court further rules that in case you are a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, we will give you permission to leave your premises.

How did she get out? Well, that was part of the plea deal. Your Honor, my client would like to be able to go on we will give you permission to leave your premises. How did she get out? Well, that was part of the plea deal. Your honor, my client would like to be able to go on dancing with the stars. And be famous. As long as she wears the device that will track her. As punishment, my client would like to also be super famous

and make money as punishment. Okay, that makes sense. I know. All right, is that it or we have any more? What did you have to say Dana, you go ahead. Nothing much really. You had some bullshit you wanted to say. All I have, all I said Haitians geese.

Did we find out they're friends with the geese? I just think the bigger story was there's a town of 60,000 in Ohio and they brought 20,000 Haitians in. Why didn't you just ask, isn't that a lot of people, homeless people to bring into a town of 60,000? Forget about eating geese and whatever's happening or not happening. Just say, how are they supposed to handle that? Why would they bring them all to that town? I mean, is it the Haitians? I don't know. That's why the town is saying that. Where would you like to go? I'd like to go to Springfield, Ohio.

I can't do a Haitian accent. Where did they film Tommy Boy, Ohio? Let's go there. Yeah. Looks like a fun town. I would say, yeah, I don't know why. I don't know what's going on because I don't have Haitians where I live right now.

I'd love to hang out with them. You don't have any wildlife. You have nothing. You don't have ducks. You don't have Haitians where I live right now. I'd love to hang out with them. You don't have any wildlife, you have nothing. You don't have ducks, you don't have geese. You live in a padded cell. There's donkeys and wolves. Woo! Woo! Hee-haw!

Hee-haw! Okay, should we end on that impression? Let's end on, I'm gonna interrogate you for a minute as Senator John Kennedy. No, no, we have to show a picture because everyone talks about it in the comments. When you started the podcast, you had clips ready to go

to do funny rejoinders on the clips. Did I have that correct? That that what that was your plan? Sorry, what's a rejoinder? Now let me get a little John Kennedy. Okay, here's one. For risk. Did you know that we as a nation give away billions of dollars to countries that hate us?

Why can't we just have them hate us for free? That's what he really said. That's a good line. Isn't that a good one? Let me get this straight. I'm reading this. If you have an illegal immigrant run into you on a city block and you say, hello, sir,

and they say, I'm here, but your shit box country don't mean dick to me. What is your response to that? I'd say go back to your country if you love it so much. That's a good six-grade answer. It's such an exciting time. The debates have been so amazing. Oh, people gets ears.

What a time you got Bobby Kennedy Jr. going out. You got you got just stuff happening. Biden's still around. It's going to be it's quite a next 57 days. And the highlight of it all, you get to hear us read ads on here and on flying a wall. Nobody reads ads. Let me tell you something. They don't skip over our ads.

They listen to our ads. You look at it. They never, they listen and they do it and you can look at it and you see it and they know it and they got it and they will it. Everyone's buying. Everyone's buying everything they promote. Okay, thanks, Dan.

It was nice to meet you. Thanks, David. Yeah, stay in school and I think you're doing great. Some big announcements coming up, Dana. We'll talk about it next week. Okay. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade, Jenna Weiss-Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman.

Hope you liked it!