Fly on the Wall with Dana Carvey and David Spade - SUPERFLY #34 - Nurse Beyoncé & Scarface OnlyFans

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

David and Dana riff on doctor appointments, celebrity political endorsements, the Diddy situation, Britney's changing appearance, OnlyFans creators, and much more. To learn more about listener data ...and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:01:43 Ontario only. Please gamble responsibly. Gambling problem? For free assistance, call the Connects Ontario Helpline at 1-866-531-2600. Well, I know you have a tub like a Scarface tub, right? Look at that. Look at that, man. Your woman's so pretty, you're coming like a baby. So you get in that Scarface tub every night, a sudsy tub with a big cigar.
Starting point is 00:02:15 That's part of the only fans. Look at this. Look at this. Let's see what she can do. Let's see if it makes me excited. Oh, look at you, man. Look at you. You're totally short-tempered, man. My point is this.
Starting point is 00:02:36 If you're about to embark on this mini tour, how can you possibly concentrate on this podcast? On this stupid shit? It's easy. I zone out, let you take over. No, it's actually, this is the fun one because we don't have to know anything about the guests or anything.
Starting point is 00:02:56 We just come in here and riff on subjects. Sometimes it works. Sometimes you're just hanging out with us and hopefully it's kind of fun because you're seeing us. You know what it is? People say, this is like what it would be like if you and Dana were just together sitting on his bed
Starting point is 00:03:16 in his room talking. Pretty much. Sitting on your bed. That's worth everything. If we had seen Charlie Chaplin and Lou Costello hanging, I'm not saying we're those that level, but those two guys hanging out and talking. I would listen to it. I would listen.
Starting point is 00:03:36 Now listen, people in YouTube, they say all these nice things. I always say that, but it's true. And then sometimes they give me suggestions like, I think you should do more of this. I'm sorry. On your free podcasts that costs absolutely nothing. While you're doing something else and fast forwarding over our award winning commercials, nobody gives it up. Like, No, nobody gives it up. I almost teared up doing cook by ads last week.
Starting point is 00:03:59 We should call this podcast in the background. We just just play it in the background. Just put it on your TV and then just hear like little bits of it. That's all you need. To listen to this podcast properly, make sure you're doing a physical activity and your mind is completely preoccupied gardening, lifting weights, driving on the Autobahn. Because there are fans in Germany. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:04:24 Sure. See Kyle. I'll tell you one thing that happened on the road now. We all know that I'm a road hack. I know and then I do want to go over your dates only because I want to hear what towns you're going to to see if I've played those towns and then see how many people you draw and then we can contrast and compare. But first of all. Heather, pull up the dates anyway. I know some of them will test me. So right now I just did a couple and then now I'm back.
Starting point is 00:04:50 But we got coming up, we got. How'd they go? Hartford, Providence. Okay. That's Friday, Saturday. I'll be doing Hartford tonight. So those are both in Connecticut. No, no, Rhode Island.
Starting point is 00:05:01 No, Hartford, Connecticut. Hartford, Connecticut, Providence, Rhode Island. Kyle Dunnigan's gonna join me, that funny guy. Kyle Dunnigan? Yeah, not funny, he's out there. So I said, come over and go on with me. That's cool. Vegas with Nikki after that end of September.
Starting point is 00:05:18 And then I got a four day Florida run with Catherine Blanford and Bobby Mimoto. We got West Palm Beach, Fort Myers, Melbourne, Daytona Beach. Then I go to Denver for a special taping and then Kansas City. Whoa. I mean, so you're going to do four in Florida and then head right to Denver and shoot your special. It's a four and floor tour.
Starting point is 00:05:47 Well, four and floor tour is to warm you up because you don't have your act cold. We understand you have a teleprompter. It's pretty good. Most of the time. No, I don't. I did a corporate last night. I have two this week, which is great.
Starting point is 00:06:01 I love them. Last night was for lawyers. You have to do a little jibber jabber up front. You know, they don't even tell you. They say do whatever you want, but they totally take care of you. It's always nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love them.
Starting point is 00:06:14 And so it was not just 500 lawyers. It was lawyers that were injury lawyers, personal injury. So of course I made fun of them. And then I made fun of the CEO. It's always funny. And then this one this week I go do is 11,000 people. I didn't know that. I just saw it said crowd size, roughly 11,000.
Starting point is 00:06:33 I go, ba-ba-wa. Is that in Vegas? Usually that's a convention town. That one's in Boston. That's on the way to my Providence show. 11,000. I know, isn't that crazy? They said Ryan Reynolds is doing something. They're like, what is going on?
Starting point is 00:06:45 So anyway, it'll be fun. But here's what I will tell you. My one story from the road is I had to do a Zoom doctor appointment. Our favorite things, I guess, because we're old, is to go to doctors. I love it. Heather, does you know this?
Starting point is 00:06:56 So I go to the Zoom and I have an undisclosed, just a thing that, of course, you get nervous. You go, can I just talk to you about something? So I zoom in and here's the doctor like this. have an undisclosed, just a thing that of course you get nervous. You go, can I just talk to you about something? So I zoom in and here's the doctor like this in the zoom. And then way back by the Bruce Lee skateboard, there's a young Asian woman on a computer like this. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:07:19 Taking notes. Yeah. I see her back there and I'm like, and then he's like, so what can I do for you? And then she's like back there just going, and then I go, well, I got this and that. And he goes, mm, okay. Can you take off your shirt for me? And I see her like this.
Starting point is 00:07:38 Really? Yeah, and then I go, what, what? And then I do, I comply, because I'm easily manipulated. Plot is thick and I'm very curious right now, what you got. It's very vague. What the fans, okay, I want to hear you.
Starting point is 00:07:53 The fans get, and then I hear her go, Jesus Christ. I'm like, what's that back there? She's like, she's just taking notes. She's a, don't listen to her. And I'm like, well, and then, and then she's like, jelly roll. And I go, okay, if you wrote jelly roll, that's not a medicinal term.
Starting point is 00:08:13 So she's critiquing your body with slang in the background. This is a hell of a tele- Terminology. Yeah. Yeah. And then she's like, and then he's like, uh, can I see under your nuts, please? And she's like, she looks up like, he said ballsack or something. Well, no, they don't.
Starting point is 00:08:35 He said his nargules. You got a weird doctor. I don't know. I've heard about this being a scam. Was he, was that, was he Nigerian? Well, it was an incoming call, but he said he was a doctor. OK, all right. Well, all right. Let's see. OK. It was just it was a zoom. It was a FaceTime.
Starting point is 00:08:51 And it says, I go, this is Dr. Potential Spam. Yeah, OK, that's the first tell. So then what happened? Should that be the name of my special? Potential Spam. I used to go that should be a rapper. If I was going to be a hip hop guy, I'd be called potential spam.
Starting point is 00:09:09 That's a good one. Okay, so anyway, let's see the undercarriage of your nut sack, please. This is your doctor ordering it. Please just do it. Is he miming out what he would be doing to you if he was in the room with you? He goes like this, give it the lift and give it that.
Starting point is 00:09:24 And then turn around and bend over. And I'm like, is this still about my cough? And he's like, yeah, yeah. Could you punch him like a speed bag just with your hand? Let me just see you do that. Hara, hara, hara, hara, hara, hara, hara, hara, hara. I have not heard. Tishtishtishti.
Starting point is 00:09:39 Okay, so then what happened? And then the lady in the back keeps going, I don't like when she looks up. It's always something gross. All right. Now, can you maybe spread your butt cheek? You're not looking, you're just listening. You don't need to look and listen, right? Right.
Starting point is 00:09:58 Anyway, that's all. Well, can you give the fans out here and maybe for me, that tell a number. Oh, you want to do this stuff? It's kind of fun. I'll tell you one thing I happened to me that was embarrassing. It's called chatter bait. I don't know if I ever mentioned this,
Starting point is 00:10:12 but I went in for a hernia check, right? And I was at Cedar Sinai, hernia check ended up being not, but the guy comes in, he's 60, balding, nice guy, kind of burly, hey, I've got a trainee here who's just going to watch the whole thing. Now, I'm not going to exaggerate. I mean, I mean, literally Beyonce came in the room. I mean, literally I said, is Beyonce here? She looked exactly and so- Oh, that hot? Beyonce here? She looked exactly and so that hot,
Starting point is 00:10:49 unbelievably attractive African-American woman that looked exactly like Beyonce. So I first, I tried to get out and he goes too late. I said, I don't want to do this. So then I had to stand up, face away from Beyonce, nurse Beyonce, drop my drawers while he's doing all this stuff. And I thought, what does nurse Beyonce think of my ass? That's all I thought. What about your pup tent you had? You threw a two man North face out there.
Starting point is 00:11:15 I could not go there. I mean, you're visual. You're visual. I'm more emotional. If you see something, dung, dung, yon, yon, yon, yon. Well, how emotional did you get with her in 35 seconds? No, I just did not feel like it was anything romantic. It's a cold room, it's a tough room.
Starting point is 00:11:34 Well, what I wanted to say to the doctor, do you agree with me that this trainee doctor looks exactly like Beyonce? Oh yeah, I know that. Oh my God, did you tell her? Mic drop. It was Beyonce. Good night. It was? No. What if it was like a prank show? Is it Beyonce or not? Beyonce's going to be shaving your testicles right now and let's look at a clip. We've referred to testicles seven times in the first nine months. I have another one, I'll wait for next week.
Starting point is 00:12:09 Okay, so what else is going on in your world? That was a good one. I was just musing on a couple things. One was the celebrity endorsement, like obviously Taylor Swift, and today Billie Eilish, who I am a huge fan of, came out. For politics endorsement. For politics Billie Eilish, who I am a huge fan of, came out. For politics. For politics. Endorsed Kamala. And I don't know if you saw the, I guess it was a TikTok
Starting point is 00:12:32 clip and Billie Eilish said, I will want you to vote for Kamala Harris. Yes. Yes. I want you to vote for Kamala up. Yes, yes. So she did the whisper singing. But anyway, I don't think there's ever been a time when celebrity endorsements for political office have not influenced the election. My dad voted for Ronald Reagan and I said, what made you vote for him? He goes, oh, Jesus Christ, Glenn Campbell endorsed him. I go, why would
Starting point is 00:13:05 you listen to Glenn Campbell? Because I like Wichita Lineman. Lineman. That's a good song though. Do you remember one? Do you remember who was a celebrity? I'm throwing it at the ball of your court. Do you remember celebrity endorsement through political history that turned the election? I was young, but I was a little wavering, but when Spuds McKenzie came out for Jimmy Carter, do you remember Spuds McKenzie, the Bud Light dog? It was the dog with a spot in his eye, but he was at all the fraternity parties and I was like, this fucking dude knows what's up.
Starting point is 00:13:40 Lassie had a big say in what I did. But these were just animals. I'm gonna think. Regular people, I guess it's good. I mean, I figured Taylor Swift was probably leaning that way. Billie Eilish too. I mean, I don't think it's a shocker.
Starting point is 00:13:57 I think it's a shocker if someone you don't think is pushing for someone you don't think they would. Well, it goes with Elon Musk or anyone. If you are following the endorsement of anyone who's worth at least 200 million to a billion, they might have different problems than you have. Say political, you know, they live in a different universe. By meaning they have no problems.
Starting point is 00:14:25 I didn't want to say. We've both been on private jets. Most people have never been on one. It's so different. You could never describe it. It's redonkulous. And so- It is borderline redonkulous.
Starting point is 00:14:41 It's another good special name. I'll write that one down. Now moving on, the Trump assassination attempt number two. There's already a special on Netflix about it. Has there been any since we started this podcast? Well, now they have to double down because Trump is not only a golfer. I'm not even trying anymore. He bowls. He's a bowler. So I'm just thinking it's not like spy versus spy, like his ball will come up and it'll have a fuse.
Starting point is 00:15:08 Explode? That's funny, Trump, that's a bomb. Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss He loves to play pinball. They got to have, you know, the ball goes up and everything's exploding. So there's going to be more recreational, you know, croquet Trump plays croquet. It would go right through the little metal cage. I think everyone's got, well, I don't want to give ideas of how to do it. I'm just saying that this last guy wasn't really even trying. He, I think he had a gun, he was in the bushes. There was an AK, right?
Starting point is 00:15:49 Well, yeah, that's, that's try, I would put that in the category of trying, hiding in the bushes. But I didn't hear any whizzing bullets. I didn't see, I don't think he actually shot the gun. That's because he made a rookie mistake. He stuck the, he, he hit, I keep doing this. Oh, like a cartoon, He stuck the, he hit, I keep doing it, send it to John Kennedy. Oh, like a cartoon, he stuck the barrel.
Starting point is 00:16:06 No, yeah, he hit in the bushes, and then like an idiot, he stuck the barrel out from the bushes, and they had one guy up there with like a pistol or something, a Secret Service guy checking it out. He saw the barrel. Right. It's like, you know, I thought I saw a wazgoey wabbit,
Starting point is 00:16:22 and then he started shooting at the guy, and the guy said, I don't really, I really like Trump. And he threw his gun up in the air and started running. Oh my God. At least one of the Secret Service guys gets binoculars. You know, they do have to share it, but let's get those guys loaded a little better. I know he's not the real president,
Starting point is 00:16:40 but you know, let's keep our eyes peeled. What they really needed was a K-9 team. Now, if you have a canine, if you have a canine, if you have a canine, a canine, a canine team, is that what you're saying? Yeah, you get a canine team. So you have four German Shepherds all over that golf course. I'm doing you now. That guy doesn't have a chance, but I think it's kind of brilliant. They see it gone, they go,
Starting point is 00:17:05 That's, they're pointing. The Secret Service guy's, where boy? Where? Where? Over there! And pointing. Right there! Points with his paw. Right. Now, was there a K-9 team sniffing around the premises? Well, I don't know, Senator John Kennedy. Well, I don't know Senator John Kennedy.
Starting point is 00:17:25 Well, can I read you a letter? I have a letter right in front of me. Go ahead. That's it. Now, he uses the glasses. Now, I understand your words, not mine, that you indicated, he's talking to a Secret Service guy, that perhaps professional golfer,
Starting point is 00:17:45 Brooke Kapka, did I pronounce that right? That he had shot three over par on the hole, and what, not shots, whatever, I see him out of time. Now that is, is it Kapka? I'm seeing it's K-E-O, now what is that? Is that how you pronounce the hard O? There's one called Shambo. Did I get that right?
Starting point is 00:18:08 Bryson Shambo. D Shambo. D Shambo, professional golfer. Your words, not mine. And in relation to Dennis D. Consini. Remember him? Yeah. Is he from Arizona?
Starting point is 00:18:23 Now you said that Lee Trevino was also spotted on the golf course. Is that your words? Not mine. Did I get that right? Am I close? All right. I just wanted a taste.
Starting point is 00:18:36 No, we have to get him in every time. A little bit, a little bit. We don't want to torture our fan base. Oh, and more serious news, Dana. This just in. This just in. This just in. Your earbud, Puff Daddy, I know you have all his records.
Starting point is 00:18:50 Does he have any records? Got busted. And now they said, I mean, we saw that coming, I guess, but they said they found, is this right? A thousand bottles of baby oil in his house when they raided it. Too much. Is that right, Ed? A thousand bottles of baby oil in his house when they raided it. Too much. Too many.
Starting point is 00:19:07 Is that right Ed? A thousand bottles of baby oil. By the way, they clown him because look at how goop, they pick the funniest picture of these happy against sex trafficking. I know, he's like a college senior going, hey, the team's playing tonight. And they're just looking at him, I hate them.
Starting point is 00:19:25 He looks so sweet. Oh man. I'm just saying, P. Diddy, what are you doing P. Diddy? What the heck? Dude, a thousand bottles of oil. I don't see him at Costco. You have to buy it in bulk. You can't go to Circle K and buy three at a time.
Starting point is 00:19:45 That's what you have to do, actually. You can't buy all those. That's red flag. You send your little henchmen in three at a time till you get to a thousand. Now listen, I have 300 bottles, but that's normal. A thousand is too much. It's too much.
Starting point is 00:19:58 It's hard to work for P Diddy. Like they got to 500, they go, boss, is this good? That's 500 bottles more. We're not even close to running out. I want more, I tell you. That's actually as real speaking. That's puffed, Daddy. Why, yes it is.
Starting point is 00:20:14 What I'm not doing, my rapper guy, I talk like this. I want more baby oil than a man could shake a stick at. I want over a thousand bottles of good old fashioned baby oil. Bebo. I feel like this might be an Al Capone situation where they get him on hoarding baby oil. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:20:34 Al Capone. Yeah, he gets off on all the incredibly bizarre Jeffrey Epstein style charges and all is on. Too much baby oil. Al Capone for the younger viewers was sort of a criminal, but they got him on taxes. Sort of a criminal. Yeah, he was like a gangster. I mean, he had the henchmen and stuff, but, and they tried to get him on bootlegging.
Starting point is 00:20:56 Back then you could go to jail for drinking a bottle of beer. And then they got him on tax evasion. Tax evasion. Yeah on tax evasion. Tax evasion, yeah. Tax evasion. So it might be that kind of situation. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 00:21:09 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And now a word from our sponsors at Betterment. Do you want your money to be motivated? Do you want your money to rise and grind? Do you think your money should get up and work?
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Starting point is 00:22:12 So what's it like to buy your first cryptocurrency on Kraken? Well, let's say I'm at a food truck I've never tried before. Am I going to go all in on the loaded taco? No, sir. I'm keeping it simple, starting small. That's trading on Kraken. Pick from over 190 assets and start with the 10 bucks in your pocket. Easy. Go to kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. But let's get to the headlines. Puff Daddy, good luck to you.
Starting point is 00:22:45 Puff Daddy. Why am I saying that? You know, surprisingly, he didn't look puffy at all in court, he looked very rested. He looks, he looked good. That's what a hundred million will do to you. Okay, so this, we're doing a video because Brittany, we always talk about Brittany and everyone loves Brittany.
Starting point is 00:23:01 Yes. She always, she does these videos that are a little kooky, but they're getting kookier. Now this is about tea. So this just does not look like Britney as I recall. Right now it doesn't look like her. Let's play a little bit of it. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:20 Oh, okay. Go to the end if it's working. Well, just first of all. OK, so even her voice. I didn't watch the VMAs, but I did see stuff on my phone from YouTube of Sabrina Carpenter. It's scratching. Why is she kissing an alien? All right, who's writing her bits?
Starting point is 00:23:41 Actually, skip to the end so we can see the teeth a little better. That's not her. This is her. No, skip to the end so we can see the teeth a little bit. That's not her. This is her. No, right there, look. This is from her ins... Look at the teeth. She's like, she said something. Well, she's one of the scariest humans I've ever seen.
Starting point is 00:23:53 She's like, she's very cool. Right. I think it's a good impression. I don't think it's her. But now that was on her regular Instagram, I think. Oh, really? But what's with the teeth? Right. I think it's a picture of her what we normally... I think it's a good impression. I don't think it's her. But now that was on her regular Instagram, I think. Oh, really? But what's with the teeth? So she put in teeth that made her teeth out of the canes?
Starting point is 00:24:12 There's the Britney we recall. Yeah. Fucking Hollywood. How do I have my teeth still? This place is beating. I know. What was the horror film where the witch woman crawled through the television set? That's The Ring. Heather, Greg. Poltergeist? I said the ring. The ring. The ring. They're both right. I would say the ring. She looked like she crawled through the TV set on the ring.
Starting point is 00:24:37 They're doing a remake. It's called The Ring Light and it's filmed in your bedroom. Look behind your head. It's a ring real. Make it look like your earring. Other way. Other way. Oh boy. This is just messing with my brain. Yeah. Dana saw that she's making sure Heather's making sure you saw the huge gaps in her teeth. It was like this. Brittany, I mean, she needs to be choppered out of there. Wherever she is, like, I don't know what's going on. Maybe it was better to have a conservatorship. That's my strong point of view. That's a real ballsy stance.
Starting point is 00:25:11 Yeah. It's a tell. The haunted teeth and the haunted face. And then the voice, was that from the choke necklace or something? Because, I don't know. Choke chain? If I came on our podcast and I was like,
Starting point is 00:25:24 hey, David, I want, I want, I want. I have to say the voice. Would you be scared? You'd be scared. I don't know. Is she a smoker? Oh, she deleted it since. She's a midnight toker.
Starting point is 00:25:39 I can tell you that. Deleting is always feels guilty of something, but I don't know, it's such a complicated thing with Brittany. Everyone's crazy about her, everyone's worried about her, but everyone really gets up her ass in her business and I don't know when it's not our business anymore. I feel like everyone's business is my business. That's what we're talking about. It's given us fodder, it's making us relevant,
Starting point is 00:26:04 but yeah, I wish her the best. I do think. Us? Jesus. Us, relevant. It's given me fodder. It's given us podcast fodder, but I wish her all the best,
Starting point is 00:26:15 but I still don't think that was her or it was her. I don't know what it was. It seemed too obviously weird. And maybe she, as soon as she clicked off, she was laughing her ass off, put it that way. I mean, what's on her Instagram, so something weird is going on. How did you stay so sane with all, you've been famous for decades. How did you stay so normal? Um, you're pretty normal, Dana. I think we get along because we're both in the parameters of
Starting point is 00:26:41 normal. I'm kind of weird, but I could be weirder. That's what I was. I will stand by that. I could definitely be weirder. Sandler's pretty normal. Rock is pretty normal. Yeah. I would say comedians tend to maybe be a little more normal. We're not like, like Britney's a huge, she was like a sex symbol, a sex star. Well, that's skyrocket and you pepper in sex symbol and... And all that and all the... All the crazies. All the crazy...
Starting point is 00:27:08 And also you got all this money that the parents are involved with that we didn't really have that. We kind of were in charge of our own stuff, you know? Yeah. You don't know why anyone hangs out with you. You don't know why anyone likes you. It's all... Anyone you date, you don't know.
Starting point is 00:27:22 It's all bad. Well, it's the Elvis Presley effect, you know, with Sonny Ray and Sonny Jim and Sonny Bill and everywhere he looked, it was someone working for him. I want to get a percadam sandwich right now. When they wrote a book about him, I feel like that was the end. I think that that was his last, because he had such a small circle of friends. Like once those guys wrote a book about him. Did you notice that when Elvis would go out there and like Ed Sullivan and stuff,
Starting point is 00:27:45 like he was in sparkling clothes, he was up, you know, best looking rock star ever. And then the band was really homely, but they were great, but they were really average looking. He was smart. I think he got authentic guys that were just good. And it wasn't about- Just great music. Cause he was the show he could sell.
Starting point is 00:28:03 All right, let's look at some more clips or whatever we got. Okay. Oh. Oh yeah. Look at, okay, read it for the home people. Jogger left bloodied. Okay, go ahead.
Starting point is 00:28:16 Jogger left bloodied and dazed and crying after getting mauled, dot, dot, dot, by a gang of otters. Can you show it a little better? This woman was jogging and she got... Whoa, oh there. Look at how she got by one otter, fine. Eight otters, I didn't know they ganged up. She was attacked, look at her arms.
Starting point is 00:28:37 She's okay, but she's very bloodied on her arms and side of her face. Scroll down, let me see these motherfuckers. When I see otters, I don't cross the street. I go right at them. There they are, look at them. Oh, they're out in the street in packs? They're big, maybe I would run.
Starting point is 00:28:54 Look at them, they're not meerkats, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, I don't. Are otters scary? Oh, they say the otters fled the scene. That's funny. Well, I wouldn't know to be scared of otters. I'm usually, I start scared of animals and then I go from there.
Starting point is 00:29:10 You know, I don't always just go pick them up. There was a house I own once come out in the yard at night and there's like 10 raccoon. That was scary. And also they came into our house through the cat door, would go downstairs, eat all the cat food and then go back out. They wouldn't harm the cat.
Starting point is 00:29:34 Raccoon at the door. It's a raccoon. You know, I will say, Dana, the raccoons are ones I see people playing with on TikTok. At first glance, I would not grab a raccoon. They have sharp teeth and sharp claws and I don't know if they're friend or foe. Everyone thinks they're so cute and lovable.
Starting point is 00:29:47 I just don't know. No, Paul McCartney did a good song. Rocky raccoon walked into the room, but don't get near him, don't touch him, even with Rocky raccoon. I did it about a raccoon, it was named Rocky, and he walked into the room, that's all I got. Then I went doodly doodly do.
Starting point is 00:30:03 Oh, good job, Paul, that makes sense. Doodly boodly boo. Thank, good job, Paul. That makes sense. Thank you. What's up? What is our next? I'm doing all my own impressions. Oh yeah, next one. What is our next?
Starting point is 00:30:13 By the way, Puff Daddy has more oil than the Exxon spill. I thought of this joke 10 minutes later. That was pretty good. It was all right. He has more oil than the Exxon Valdez. No one remembers that. Okay, this is a staggering fact, Dana. Okay, here we go.
Starting point is 00:30:34 The 2023-24 NBA combined payroll is 4.9 billion. The combined OnlyFans payroll is 6.6 billion. So OnlyFans creators last year made more than the NBA combined. Heather, can you believe it? She cannot. Heather, yeah, why? Why do these two girls that get the plug in this,
Starting point is 00:30:57 they should tag them. Anytime an OnlyFans girl gets her name out there and then gets across, like I see Instagram things where like fake story about like, I work at Arby's and I got fired because I had sex with my boss. It's just like a fake ad for an only event. And she's got a fake Arby's head on. Don't believe it.
Starting point is 00:31:15 I love the idea of the digitization of monetization that the idea that someone, let me, let me, let me finish. Of the realization. Of the realization. Of the realization. Early on in OnlyFans, if I got it right, one of the first attractive women got 15 million men to give her a dollar a month for her going like, hey, look, not even having sex on camera.
Starting point is 00:31:38 So it's 15 million a month. So if you take, there's like, the aggregate digital audience is like five billion. So it's got two and a half billion horny men willing to, yeah, two and a half billion, not a billion, not your words, not mine. Two and a half billion horny men. So I'm happy for these women. They don't have to walk the street and have a pimp. They can just do it. They don't even have to have sex. They just be flirtatious. I'll wear my pink panties.
Starting point is 00:32:06 That'll be $5 times 10 million. And if I send them to you, it's more. So, and if I put them on backwards, it's double. Well, I think the old days like, oh, you can make a little money if you're a stripper. Like when I grew up, some girls, my high schooler dear, but oh, she's a stripper. She does it way downtown.
Starting point is 00:32:24 She doesn't want anyone to know. Right, works the whole- But that's way more dangerous comparatively. Yes. Not that it's bad, it's just, you gotta walk to your car after, you got horny guys everywhere. They know where you live, they can follow you.
Starting point is 00:32:35 This is just, I think COVID really blew it up because they just sit in their room, talk, chat, strip, whatever, and get paid. And then they think, if every, the more people do it, the less effect it has in your career. Like, they have to help the end. That's the problem. I mean, it's porn girls, I always heard,
Starting point is 00:32:56 made a couple hundred bucks a movie and it was never a lot of money, but they're like, oh, I went into porn for the money, but it wasn't that much money. And now you see these girls make way more than us combined, that's for sure. So I always think, what about the ones that are doing it? And then they don't make any money. There has to be a couple that kind of flatline out there and just go, you know, I'm just going to go back to, you know, Yeah, I did. I did. There was a story of a couple and the guy's like, he's with his wife and I
Starting point is 00:33:24 don't think they have sex, but they kind of put her out there and she dressed as Kathleen and goes, we were making maybe 40,000 year and now we're making a half million dollars a month. Um, sharing their, sharing their life kind of with his wife and she would, you could, I don't know. It was, it was fairly innocent, but the people who go on and do the whole full Monte and only get like three to four dollars a month. 398. Does that exist? And then it's only- Do more. I gave you my dollar. Do more. Do more. Yeah. Come on. I mean, it is like they paint themselves in the corner because once you do it, it's like, why not
Starting point is 00:34:05 do it? But you just... I have a guy, sorry to interrupt, but I do enjoy it. No, no, I'm just saying you always hear about the success stories and then it's hard. They have to pay a VIG. They get taxed, I think. They pay somebody to... They have to pay OnlyFans.
Starting point is 00:34:21 So, you know, but they still make a show of them. Let me ask you a question. How many men with women followers are on OnlyFans and what are they making? I think Heather pulled the top 10. Let's ask Heather, would she pay money to see? Top 10 OnlyFans creator. I think there's a guy in there, I think it's a rapper. I've poked out of curiosity. I wanted to see what's happening. I've poked out of curiosity. I wanted to see what's happening.
Starting point is 00:34:46 Heather has poked out of curiosity. That's a funny figure of speech. Yep. Heather, if that's your real name. I stuck my head in there. Okay, here we go. Well, now this is the top 15. Well, that's only male.
Starting point is 00:35:02 Well, they say what they think. Heather's looking at all to see if males crack the top 10. Is it straight guy? I don't know. I mean, I guess they're straight guys because they can say anybody who wants to look at the goods can. There's some market. I just don't think it's this big.
Starting point is 00:35:15 Any guys in it? I heard. It's always on the top of the list. Tyga's always on the top. Oh, Tyga. Tyga. And I've looked this up every couple months. He's always up there for some reason.
Starting point is 00:35:23 Good old Darryl Hammond. Is that Darryl Hammond. Is that Darryl Hammond? Who's that? Oh, Bad Baby and Cardi B. So how much would Tyga be making per month? Mia Khalifa still, Bad Baby, my old friend, she doesn't. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:35:39 Tyga made 31 million since he's joined. What are you even rapping for? Just, it's, you already got your new career. I think at some point, you know. All right, we gotta delete our search history when I'm looking for guys on OnlyFans. We'll fix that after. Oh, that's Greg making a joke, our producer.
Starting point is 00:36:01 Okay, that's a good joke. That's our first joke from our producer. I think he fed it. Okay. Now, Dana, what are the chances you get on OnlyFans? Oh, you and Paula. Heather said you and Paula might because you saw the other couple made so much money. Sexy seniors, absolutely. In your area.
Starting point is 00:36:24 That's what it'd be called. That's what I'll say. Name my special. Sexy seniors in your area. Yeah. Am I a senior? Fuck, I don't want to talk about it. Keep going.
Starting point is 00:36:34 All right. Yeah, you're a... No, I'm not. I don't find obvious anything sexual. I just do mostly soaking videos, I think. Well, I know you have a tub like a Scarface tub, right? Look at that, Pelican fly. Look at that, man. Your woman's so polite, you come like a baby. So you get in that Scarface tub every night,
Starting point is 00:36:54 a sudsy tub with a big cigar. That's part of the only offense. Look at this, look at this. She's short of tears for us. Let's see what she can do. Let's see if you can do. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Let's see if it makes me excited. Oh, look at you, man.
Starting point is 00:37:09 Look at you. You don't know what you're doing, man. You think I'm gonna get a fan? You don't got a fan? You don't got no money? Intimacy issue. This is Al Pacino as- Yeah, as intimacy issue.
Starting point is 00:37:21 Yeah. You got an intimate issue, man. You gotta be vulnerable. You got an intimate issue, man. You gotta be vulnerable. You got an intimate issue. You gotta what? Turn on the ladies. Turn on the ladies. You turn on the ladies, you gotta be vulnerable, man.
Starting point is 00:37:32 Because they're like a vulnerable people. You gotta be vulnerable. I used to take a tub every night. I know, and soak your neck. Okay, there he is. Oh yeah, yeah. Me and Dana are lights out. Can we play that clip at some point on this?
Starting point is 00:37:47 And Dana has Scarface. I'm Scarface. One of the funnest things I've ever done on a talk show, Lights Out with David Spade. We blew that. You know what, Dana, we do, sometimes I go like this, I yawn and go like this, and you do the same thing. This is our tell.
Starting point is 00:38:01 Sometimes you go like this, especially on Wind and Fly on the Wall, we do. Yeah. I've seen you do it, and then I go, I do it. Yeah. Have you seen that? He. This is our tell. Sometimes you go like this, especially on Wind and Fly on the Wall. We do. Yeah. That's the tell. Then I go, I do it. Yeah. Have you seen that? He leans back like that. Kind of itching my head. Like, I guess we're sort of down here. All right. Well, let's do that. I do too. The next time we're both thinking to wrap it up. I don't know if it's boring. I think we're just thinking or whatever it is. It's not really boring because we do it in the middle of it. All right, okay, next thing,
Starting point is 00:38:25 and then I'll tell you more tells we have. Oh, can't wait for this. Cup, oh. Whoops. Couple busted on a ring camera having sex in random family's driveway in daylight. There we go, that's a OnlyFans couple. Oh, I like how they put their opinion. This is a reporter.
Starting point is 00:38:44 A sick couple have been busted. A sick couple have been buzzed. Ah ha ha. A sick couple. That's a little harsh. They just like the outdoors. Yeah. The unidentified pair's brazen sex romp. Brazen.
Starting point is 00:38:59 Oh, the couple were filmed jumping out of their car before both pulling down their pants. Sounds like high school. That sounds like they're playing a prank on each other. Dude, it pulled on your pants. So they hooked up. I like this poor reporters got to be like, I'm here near the gross driveway where they splooted all over. Are those oil stains or I'm going to back up a few. Actually, Tim, pull back.
Starting point is 00:39:24 This is great that she had said to her mom, I got a job on channel Fox two, okay? Oh, that's terrific, Emily Crane. What are you covering? Oh, just people fornicating in sewers. People fornicating in sewers, darling, you sure you want to do that? It's a living.
Starting point is 00:39:44 Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Bop, bop, bop, bop. Let me see. Okay, next one. That's all we have on that. That was a good, feel good story. They felt good. Yeah, they pulled down each other's pants
Starting point is 00:39:57 and each other's under panties. And then they got busy. So, they're making notes. Are you texting me? Yeah, no, I got to call some people. This is really right in the middle of my day. This is a text from you right now. Pick it up, brother. Arm back. This is this is five minutes ago to me.
Starting point is 00:40:20 Quit phoning it in, fool. Give it something, fool. Wait a minute. Let me. It's ringing. You can't hear it. Here's me. Quit phoning it in, fool. Give it something, fool. Wait a minute. Oh, it's ringing. You can't hear it. Here's me. Oh, karate. Hi, Mrs. Spade. No, he's doing great today. No, he goes on tour tomorrow. Yeah, we're watching Superfly. Oh, that's great, Mrs. Spade. I didn't tell her about the... Okay. No, he's not playing Providence, Rhode Island. Hartford? No. I just said don't say. He's not playing Hartford.
Starting point is 00:40:47 I don't know if he has tickets for his special recording. Any extra tickets? Special recording? I'm sorry, Mrs. Babe. I've got to go. Thank you. I'll say hello to David. Thank you. You don't even... I told you to hang up five minutes.
Starting point is 00:41:01 But how is it weird that I get a call from your mom right when we're doing this? I mean, what are the odds of that? Is that weird? Is it? Besides weird, is it wild? Is it weird, wild, wacky? Weird, wild stuff. Oh, I had a Johnny Carson joke
Starting point is 00:41:16 about Trump's assassination attempt. Trump, apparently Trump has been in more crosshairs than a moose on call the herd day. On what day? Call, call, C-U-L-L, I swallowed it. Everyone in Montana love. Call the herd, yeah, more crosshairs. Call, I haven't even heard that term.
Starting point is 00:41:37 Call the herd. It's eliminate whatever, next slide. I like, I didn't mean to ruin it, I didn't hear call. Oh no, I didn't, it doesn it. I didn't know your call. Oh no, I didn't. It doesn't matter. I swallow my Carson words. Next whatever story that's pointing at. Let's go. I'm not going back to university to be your friend. I'm going so I can get Uber One for students. It saves you on Uber and Uber Eats. I'm there for $0 delivery fee on cheeseburgers,
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Starting point is 00:43:13 A place where you can be yourself? You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. Oh, okay, this is an interesting story. This is out of People magazine. Private man, private, claims wife threw him a party for beating cancer, but he pretended he had a work and left.
Starting point is 00:43:40 What happens is, I read this story. She says he had cancer. He said, don't tell anyone. I don't want anyone to know. She made it public on her Facebook group. She goes, Hey everybody, he's got, and so now he's getting pouring of sympathy and what happened and tell us all about it. He didn't want that. So then he got, it went into remission. Is that the term where it went away? And she had a surprise party for him for that too. And he saw everybody and turned and goes, hey guys, great seeing you.
Starting point is 00:44:12 I gotta work. And he left. And she got mad at him again. She already knew he was mad about the first thing. Did you ever see Cool Hand Luke with Paul Newman? This is Strother Martin. What we have here is a failure to communicate. He's close to John Kennedy or whatever that guy's.
Starting point is 00:44:32 Yeah, they're both from this Louisiana area, sorry. But this is something like I'm on the guy's side. I think the wife was just tone deaf and a little clueless. Yeah. This should be like, am I the asshole situation? Because I have to side with the guy twice. Maybe you could say her heart was in the right place, but it was definitely tone deaf.
Starting point is 00:44:55 She's trying to make it, not about her, but you know what I mean? I think she means well, yeah, you're right, I got it. All right, keep going. We got a ha on our little private chat. Heather, did you say ha? Thanks, Heather. Oh, I didn't see Greg.
Starting point is 00:45:11 Greg says, I got to delete my search history now. It's on camera. It's on the screen. She goes, don't worry about what me and Greg talk about. I go, well, it's coming up on our screen. We have to read it. Well, it's because Greg obviously is big on OnlyFans. Kidding.
Starting point is 00:45:24 If your mom's listening. He's like, oh my God, the is big on OnlyFans. Kidding, if your mom's listening. He's like, oh my God, the top 10 male OnlyFans, I could just tell you or I'll have to fake look it up and put that up there, but I could just tell you. Yeah, I didn't know how I got it up there. Okay, here we go. Okay, this scared the fucking shit out of me. Swarms of mosquitoes take over Mexican flight.
Starting point is 00:45:44 Okay, so click the play. This is a woman on a flight. Look in the corner, Heather. Look at how many mosquitoes. She couldn't give a fat fuck either. Look at her. I'd be going, land. Look at the flight attendant casually going like.
Starting point is 00:45:59 That was a vent in a flying aircraft? Yeah. She wasn't on the ground? Yeah, wake up. Wow. Note to self, do ground. Yeah, wake up. Wow. Note to self, do not fly Jakarta Airlines anytime soon. Yeah, do not fly with Bill Gates.
Starting point is 00:46:13 Doesn't Bill Gates love mosquitoes? Bill Gates, I think he put a lot of money into Africa for mosquito nets. They need, they need, they need mosquito nets. No, I think he does stuff with mosquitoes. Greg, will you pull up to see if he has ever released mosquitoes? I think he tries to modify them to help sting other mosquitoes so they don't give you malaria or something.
Starting point is 00:46:37 That's a question. Are mosquitoes necessary for the ecosystem in the world? I'm assuming so, but I don't know. I just don't know if I like regular people that are just rich going, I think I'm going to tackle this mosquito problem on my own. I'm sorry, America. You might get bit by some of my experimental mosquitoes. We're going to release a lot of mosquitoes. Okay. Here we are. This,
Starting point is 00:47:02 they are, are necessary for the ecosystem. They play a vital role as a food source for many animals. So they're just food that, you know, really looks at a mosquito and goes, mm, birds, bats, fish, and dragonflies. Universally hated. What about Heather, what'd you say about Bill Gates? World Mosquito Program, vague, I don't love it.
Starting point is 00:47:30 Transmitting disease is their biggie. Oh, he's developing something to transmit diseases. Oh, he's looking at, yeah. I know, but does he actually release mosquitoes? He can work on a vaccine all he wants. I know, but does he actually release mosquitoes? He can work on a vaccine all at once, but I don't like just because I saw him speaking once and then he let out all these mosquitoes and he goes, see, only poor people shouldn't have to deal with mosquitoes.
Starting point is 00:48:00 We can too. And he let them out into the auditorium. Everyone's like this. This is the worst fucking speech I've ever been to. Yeah. Why is it? Yeah. Do mosquitoes on your own time. I would just say that. I don't know. Tell us in the YouTube comments. I at least don't act like I know everything. I'm like, tell me. Well, I think it's kind of weird. You're a mosquito. Everyone's afraid of you. And then a dragonfly that's only like a billionth of an ounce bigger than you eat you.
Starting point is 00:48:26 That's kind of- I know mosquitoes act so tough. They're like, I get them in like a big fat water bottle. They're like, I couldn't get any more fucking. Oh, this is kind of cutesy. How to get your wife to stop fussing. I know you've seen it, Heather. Stop fussing.
Starting point is 00:48:42 Who? About the penis. He sends, my brother watches the podcast and he sends me a million and I go, they're always a little rough because my brother Brian, they're always a little rough. This is a, this is a. Okay, this is a good funny trick.
Starting point is 00:48:58 If your wife goes, why do you pee all over? This guy's very Joe dirt-ish. My husband's always complaining, saying I bitch about him peeing on the seat. So I told him I could do it perfectly fine if I was a man. So he's bringing me out. The test. Can you pee straight?
Starting point is 00:49:13 Okay, she's going to pee. See how easy it is. Shorten it up. Shorten it. Theo back there. Shorten that thing up. It's like Theo back then. No, your tongue's down here. Shorten that thing up. That's mean.
Starting point is 00:49:27 She thinks it's too easy. No it ain't. No it ain't. Get to be a regular guy with a 1.5-er. Here we go. Okay. Go. So middle of the night, you gotta go pee.
Starting point is 00:49:35 Oh, missed. You missed a little bit. Hey. What is it? Come on. Get it in there. Get it in the bucket. Come on.
Starting point is 00:49:43 It's so easy. You got it. Come on. Get it in the bucket now. Get it in the bucket. Now, this ain't even right. Get it in the bucket. Come on, what's wrong? You're so good at it. Come on.
Starting point is 00:49:51 Yeah. I tell you, sometimes it comes out dual stream. Yeah, what do you do about that? It's shooting out left, right. You're gonna hit the bricks on the left. That guy's a wizard with the hose. Yeah, I like that. He's creating different streams, different angles.
Starting point is 00:50:04 All right, bit's going too long, cut. I ain't got control over it, cut. No, no, that thing cuts off my tail. All right, it's getting out of hand. Come on, get it in there, you got it. I think this bit sort of overstays welcome, but I like the idea and it was kind of clever. He's doing that thing.
Starting point is 00:50:17 It reminds you of your kid and you can break it and it stops the water and everyone goes. Right, it was showing her what it's like to be a man. Yeah. I think it's interesting because I looked at stuff as well. They're both Harvard graduates. Really, those two?
Starting point is 00:50:31 Yeah. Theo Von and his sister? It was Theo Von and Britney Spears, wasn't it? That was the woman in a brown wig. That's a good sitcom I'd watch. Oh yeah. Okay, next one. I'll be a lac, I'll be a good sitcom I'd watch. Oh yeah. Okay, next one. I'll be a lac.
Starting point is 00:50:45 I'll be a lac. I feel a lac. Oh, this, we got so much action and comments on the thing. Remember when, well, let's just show this first. Then I'll say, okay, play. This is a girl getting kidnapped. A girl getting kidnapped in a van. Jenna, love, turn around. Turn around. Turn around.
Starting point is 00:51:10 How could you dare go into a stranger's house? So this hot guy picked her up. What are you thinking? And they acted like they were going to kidnap her. Just explain to me. Give me your phone right now. Give me your phone. So is this too harsh?
Starting point is 00:51:23 What would have happened if you came out and it wasn't us sitting back here and there were really crazy people back here? We never would have saw you again. So they have it. Okay. Because sometimes I hear around LA there's a trick where good looking guys flirt with girls and they try to, oh, can you give me a ride over here or something? Whatever.
Starting point is 00:51:42 They're trying to kidnap them. And it's a good trick because it doesn't look like a typical kidnapper. So this guy flirts with the girl, says, Hey, can you get in? And she does, then they act like they're going to kill her and she freaks out. And they're like, it's just mom and pop. So the idea was that just he got her phone or her Instagram or something and convinced her, I'll be outside near this block and get in the van. Or he just saw her at like Target and said, hey, why don't you come with me? You're cute. And then she gets in. She looks younger than him. I think she was 13.
Starting point is 00:52:19 So she gets in a stranger's car. Is it too much, Dana? And you better have the right answer. stranger's car. Is it too much, Dana? And you keep, but you better have the right answer. There's no, I don't have enough information to have a strong opinion. Just be one. I would say just intuitive. I'll tell you a story about myself. So I used to have to walk five miles to the orthodontist because my parents are both working, but they got me these cheap braces. And so it was raining and this guy pulled over pouring rain.
Starting point is 00:52:49 I'll give you a ride. I'll give you a ride. Just in this creepy Oldsmobile. And my intuitive thing was blink was no. So. I do other people do this. I had a set the daughter up so she experiences it and then scare the shit out of her. It seems like a little much for me, but I wouldn't do it. But if it's effective, I couldn't watch my daughter be that scared. Well, that's the thing. The off-label thing is like, for a minute you're off-label me, not the primary thing we're looking at, but for the rest of her life, she will remember that fear. She'll have PTSD because for a moment she thought she was in
Starting point is 00:53:32 mortal danger. So it's an off label, it's an asymmetrical idea as opposed to the primary thesis. She'll have PTSD, which is something to do with her period, yeah. Okay, so. I know some people that threw their daughter into a swamp because, and had alligators come near her because they didn't want her to jump in the swamp. Yeah, that's normal. The alligators were just actors and comedians.
Starting point is 00:53:59 I think they were in on it. They were inside rubber suits, comedians. I think Kyle Dunigan was in one of the rubber suits looking like an alligator. Theo Vaughn was in a rubber suit looking like an alligator. Oh yeah. And they scared the girl. Nikki Glaser.
Starting point is 00:54:12 Nikki Glaser was there looking like a alligator. And then Theo Vaughn took it off, goes, I'm not an alligator. I'm not an alligator. Dana, I was walking to school one day when I was eight years old. Okay, here we go. And this guy in an old car pulled up. Same thing.
Starting point is 00:54:28 And he said, hey, it's raining. Do you want a hand job? And I said, sure, if you can give me a ride to school after. And he said, I can't do that. And I was like, well, you blew it. So I need a ride. It was good. I liked the way you set it up really straight.
Starting point is 00:54:43 But I thought, where's this going? Oh, hold on a second. I said it was your exact setup. Oh God. I liked the way you set it up really straight. But I thought, where's this going? Oh, hold on a second. I said it was your exact setup. Oh God. I borrowed it. Mrs. Spade? Oh, you can listen to his live? No, don't say it.
Starting point is 00:54:51 He was totally kidding about that. Love you. Okay, bye bye. She listens to this and she goes, I love you and Dana. She loves you. And she's like, it's fun. Everything's fun for her.
Starting point is 00:55:00 Oh, it's fun. I go, mom, I flew into town. She goes, oh, fun. I love your mother, I flew into town. She goes, oh, fun. I love your mother. I rented a car and she goes, fun. It's all like fun. Everything's fun. I love that about her.
Starting point is 00:55:13 I was in AZ this week because I had to go to that corporate and then I carved out some time to see my mom and take her to luncheon. Were you- She's always in a good mood. Where do you stay when you go to AZ? Do you stay at the Phoenix four star when you do a corporate date? I stay at the Venetian because that's where the gig was. That is a pretty beautiful hotel. And they gave me the presidential elect room, which is no, it was the former presidential suite and you get shot at all night.
Starting point is 00:55:48 One time when I, I remember one time. It was good. I liked it. I started thinking of a story like that. I was, I had a potential thing with NBC. I was a San Francisco standup and they wanted to fly me down and they put me at universal city. So my brother was hanging out. I go, you want to go with me? San Francisco stand up and they wanted to fly me down and they put me at Universal City. So my brother was hanging out.
Starting point is 00:56:07 I go, you want to go with me? So we flew down to Burbank airport. We check into something in Universal City and they gave us the presidential suite. And I never, we ran laps. We were runners then. We literally threw off our shoes and started running laps. It's too funny.
Starting point is 00:56:22 It was actually too big. So I couldn't figure out the lights. I couldn't figure out, you know, every night I'm in a new hotel on the road. And so lights are like, or they do this or my phone didn't charge. I've been chasing my charge all day because it went down to like 20 because my phone, even if you plug it in, it doesn't charge because I didn't click the light on, which doesn't turn the lights on. It does nothing. So you're fooled. But it puts all the energy in that room. So
Starting point is 00:56:53 all the lights do work. Have you heard of that, Heather? So there's two switches. One's that and one's the real light. And then the one didn't do anything, but you have to have that on. So the phone chargers work and the lights actually so there's a current So weird anyway more learning. I'm trying to follow that maybe we should ask the fans what yeah I asked the fans what the fuck I'm talking about, but I wake up my phones like this I'm like, oh my god, you were charging on it. No, I was So it's down like 21 question If you check in and there's a marble tabletop and you go,
Starting point is 00:57:26 there's no way my shin's gonna get full stride acquainted with that marble table. So I'm not gonna worry about it because I'll get up tonight to pee and I'll just go around it and then bang. Oh, crack. We both got hurt. Remember I was playing,
Starting point is 00:57:38 we were both playing places separate and we both had to limp on stage from crashing into things at night. See? Yeah. Cause it's too complicated, but that place is too big. Anyway, that's all, that's boring. But we'll do one more story. Let's do one more story, Danny,
Starting point is 00:57:53 cause we're gonna go on this tonight. Okay, this is our final story. I'm holding that point. Pick a winner. Our final story. It's called A Woman, A Blue Floor, and A Tabletop. Oh, so there's dolphins. I just thought this was kind of artsy.
Starting point is 00:58:06 Heather would like this. This is kind of interesting. Oh, it's dolphins. The dolphin just pushed the guy out. See that? She's very dancer-y. That's on the snout. That's hard to do.
Starting point is 00:58:23 Now people hate this because the dolphin doesn't like it. The dolphin did say they liked it, but most people go, we hate this because... Well, the dolphin better get a fish after this or I'm going to have... What's wrong, Heather? Okay. Yeah, dolphins aren't captivity. I have a whole bit about this. But if you take out the fact that the dolphins are hating every second of it, it's not bad.
Starting point is 00:58:47 It shows you how strong they are. Does that keep going? Did she do that? She does something else. I think he flips her. Look at that. Fucking throws her. I'm like, but that's, she's pretty good too.
Starting point is 00:58:56 No, no. Right? That's, that's amazing. I think it's very, and then he just pops her out. Look, hey, there you go. See dolphins are nice. Like if you do the exact same thing with a killer whale, it could be hazardous. It's scary.
Starting point is 00:59:10 By the way, the dolphins get paid the exact same as the trainer. But you know, well, they change pretty quickly because you know, you go to where they have a killer whale and they're out there and these beautiful, majestic creatures are so important and they're beautiful, brilliant people and the killer whale comes out, drags them out of the water and then the person comes up, kill the fucking fish, kill the fucking fish. Where's the whale going? Kill the fucking fish.
Starting point is 00:59:34 Yeah, kill the fucking fish one 30 seconds later from these majestic creatures. I think the whale goes, I think in about two weeks I'm gonna fight back, not right now. Two weeks, maybe right before that long weekend. Do they still allow that? Cause it seems cruel to killer whales. There's not as much as there was. Is there SeaWorld still? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:59:52 Marine World, SeaWorld. They say it's changes, but they're still open usually. And they go, we give the whales a five minute break every hour now. But the whales know that their name is Shamu and every single killer whale is named Shamu. And you know that really tees them off. I mean, come on guys.
Starting point is 01:00:11 It can't all be Shamu. And they know they're the star and they get paid in like minnows. It's all not fair. Everything about it's not fair. I know, it's just something very terribly wrong. All right, Dane, I'm gonna let you go. So good luck on your tour.
Starting point is 01:00:26 What's your first date? Well tonight, Friday. Tonight? No, tonight. And you're at? And, no, Hartford. Hartford, Connecticut. Where am I?
Starting point is 01:00:36 I'm looking outside. All right, I'm in Hartford. So Hartford. Tickets are running fast. So I jump on them now. Low ticket warning. For tonight. Yeah. Well, it's fast. So I jump on them now. Low ticket warning. For tonight. Yeah, well, it's been fun because I'm getting my special.
Starting point is 01:00:49 So this is basically just for all intents and purposes, the same jokes out there. I gotta get them like polished. Rr, rr, rr. Well, you don't wanna be thinking when you got the cameras in your face. You wanna go, what's that next joke again? God, Boise was so fun.
Starting point is 01:01:04 There was such a great crowd. So, you know, if it goes like that, I should just, the ones that next joke again? God, Boise was so fun. There was such a great crowd. So, you know, if it goes like that, I should just, the ones you don't even think about, just go on the road, then I'm like, that one I should have filmed. That was great. The problem is, yeah, that then when the cameras are on, you go, well, this is pretty good,
Starting point is 01:01:17 but it's not in the top 10 of the last few months. Well, the one you actually shoot always sucks. It never can, but you want to be at such a good level for yourself that even just an average show kills. The jokes are there. But you know, you never know. I think you'll kill, I think you'll destroy on this one. No pressure.
Starting point is 01:01:35 It should be fun. So far it's working okay. I do like the jokes and all this stuff, so we'll see. I'll promote it more later when I find out when it comes out and stuff. All right, Dan, thank you for hanging out. We'll talk soon. I'm going to call your mom just quickly and give her a recap.
Starting point is 01:01:50 But she's- No, just tell her I- Yeah. Tell her you'll call her later. All right, thanks, buddy. All right. Peace out. This has been a presentation of Odyssey Superfly as executive produced by Dana Carvey and David
Starting point is 01:02:02 Spade, Jenna Weiss Berman of Odyssey, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman. Hope you liked it. Mmm.

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