Free With Ads - Bats

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

Happy New Year! Our resolution? Watch more free movies! So in that spirit we decided to watch the 1999 horror flop BATS, which is about scary mutant bats and stars actual great actors like Lou Diamond Phillips.Jordan has a story in an issue of Marvel Comics Spiderman, it's called Web Of Spiderverse which comes out on March 5th and you can pre-order it RIGHT HERE! So do it!Spiderverse, coming out March 5thWe are excited to announce that Free With Ads will be doing our first ever LIVE SHOW at San Francisco Sketchfest 2025! We will be talking about the movie TWILIGHT! Join Jordan, Emily, producer Matt Lieb, and guest comedian Shanna Christmas at the Punch Line in San Francisco on January 23rd at 7:30pm for a live show you will never forget. Get your tickets NOW!Free With Ads merch is finally here! Go to the MaxFun store now and buy something for yourself!Also, we are having a contest! If you buy some merch and take a picture of yourself with that merch and send it to [e-mail], we will pick one of you and the winner will get to have any song they want Godzilla-fied. That's right, Matt will make a Godzilla remix of your favorite song.

This is Free With Ads, the podcast that asks the question, why pay $300 for a VR headset to play video games that make you nauseous when you could go online for free and watch a movie that shakes the camera so constantly you always feel like you're going to throw up. I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Emily Fleming. Today's movie is Bats. I've just been looking forward to saying that. It's the 1999 animal attack movie that does for bats what the movie Jaws did for bats. And with us always is super producer Matt swarming us with the nation's finest drops.

Oh boy. That was you. I'm a drop? You're a drop baby. I can do that to all of you. What was I saying that about? Who knows? I'm always saying shit like that.

No you really do say oh boy. You do, you say that a lot. It's an unintentional catchphrase you have. Wow, no I'll lean into it. Do people like oh boy? Yes. I don't know. Choose one if you like oh boy.

Choose two if you dislike oh boy. Oh boy gives me anxiety because I feel like Jordan's gonna say it when I fuck something up. Oh boy. Oh boy. And here's another thing about Italians. Oh boy. Oh boy, not again.

Oh, here it comes. Yep, that's it. Ugh, makes me sweat. All right, okay, well I have a catchphrase. Coming next year, the Oh Boy T-shirt. And then can you please have like a fist under your chin and the head slightly cocked to the side. Taking a school picture?

Oh boy, yes, yes. All right, yeah. Oh boy. Taking a school picture? Oh boy. Yes, yes. All right, yeah. Oh boy, brought to you by Jostens. Jostens, the people that did school pictures. Do they still do them? We don't know. Wait, you know the name of the place that did that? Oh yeah, I thought that was kind of a con.

Maybe Jostens just did our school pictures. That's quite a pull. I've retained that for some reason. Please email the show if you have heard of Jostens and if you are familiar with the old school-A Jordan thing. And I just said it like it was a nostalgic thing that everyone would remember. Everybody knew.

I was like, is there like a government appointed school picture picture company? So we all had the same one? It could be like a very local thing. I used to think that Andy Gump was everywhere putting toilets on things. Isn't he? No, I don't think so. I feel like I said I did an Andy Gump poll one time in college and someone was like,

I don't understand. Maybe just like West of the Mason Dixon or something. And then there's some other like Reginald's trappers. I feel like I've seen them in Tennessee though. Maybe Andy Gums everywhere and there was just one guy who didn't get it and made me insecure for the rest of my life. Yeah, that person was an asshole.

Fuck that guy and fuck everybody who didn't get my wonderful Jostens joke. What if we could? You guys don't know what you're talking about. Everybody's rolling at my Jostens poll. Yeah. Well, also, shout out to Jostens. Shout out to Jostens.

Good for you. Big fans. Hey, we're gonna talk about the movie Bats, which is, as of this recording, streaming free with ads. But before we do that, we're gonna talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week. Another free stuff. Emily, this is something you found on Instagram. It is a social media post from at Dan White.

It is a screen grab of the McDonald's Q&A site. Would you read the Q, please? Okay, so you know, you can go to any website for a lot of brands and just be like, I want customer service related questions. And this genius put in, how does Grimace breed? Talking about the Grimace, the purple McDonald's mascot. And McDonald's says there's zero results.

There's no answers from McDonald's. I guess that Ronald is just like, common, like we know. What do you mean? Like we know how that Ronald fucks? Yeah, I guess I feel like Ronald McDonald is not a human clown. He's like a clown that came from another place that's like a burger place. Well, he came from McDonaldland.

Yeah, I always assumed Ronald was a human. I don't think he's a human. Do you think he's more like an angel or something? Or something like a species, like a species of clown in the way it was not really a clown. But, oh right. Yeah, that's kinda what it is. It was a demon that took human form.

He's a grief eater but instead of eating grief he eats birch barks. Well, there's killer clowns from outer space too. There's like, I don't know. It just to me doesn't seem quite There's something uncanny valley about him. Right. He's taken the form of a clown to like trick children. I think under his skin he's just ground beef. Like uncooked ground beef. Sure, Matt, that's a wonderful point. What is a human but ground beef?

Waiting to die, man. Sorry, did I get too dark for you? Sorry, was that too dark? Did you know you're just smart meat? That's what I'm gonna be now, a comedian that talks about how dark he's gonna be. And then people freak out and it's because they don't get how dark I am. Dark, dark, dark.

Anyway. Oh boy. My favorite kind of comedy. So yeah, the grimace, no genitals. No visible genitals, I guess. We're assuming what we're seeing is the grimace's skin. Well, I think that he's got little, like he's the shape of a butt plug.

A hundred percent. Like the legs are kinda short in comparison. Does Grimace even have knees? I don't think he has knees. Yeah, it seems to be legs going up into the torso. I feel like it's the dick's gotta be up under the gumdrop. It's in there somewhere. Yeah.

And this was, if we're talking about the McDonaldland characters, and which one is the most likely to fuck, I think this is a cold take, and it was a meme a few years back, but it's the Hamburglar, right? The Hamburglar's a nasty, ugly, ugly, ugly. Ladies love a bad boy.

Shade of a bad boy, and they love someone with a sack full of burgers. Yeah, he's saying rubble, rubble while he's fucking you. Yeah, that's right. I think that deep down, he's saying rubble rubble while he's fucking you. Yeah, I think that deep down he is my type, like in some odd way. You like a classic thief, you like stripes. I think every dude I've ever dated is a Hamburglar in some way. Yeah, you do have a type of like a Hamburglar archetype that you that you like a little like he's just kind of a little boy I've grown

grown Love burgers and he'll do anything to get them. Yeah. Yes Yeah, it's interesting that Hamburglar doesn't seem to I guess I don't know him to steal anything else It's funny him just stealing the burgers and no like fries or drinks He's just like eating a bag of burgers without any side dishes. Any of his favorite things? Oh, his breath must be crazy. Yeah.

I hope he has friends. I worry about him. He's a drug addict. It's hard to maintain relationships when you're a drug addict. I mean inactive addiction. Yeah. Shout out to me. He buys drugs with Happy Meal toys.

Yeah, Matt, how'd you kick your burger habit? Well, after I was arrested for my last hamburglary I found Jesus Christ. And he told me to not eat burger so much no more. I've never seen another Grimace as a species. There's no girl Grimace. He could be the last one. I'm Googling girl Grimace.

I think he's like a unicorn. He's like the last unicorn. He's doomed to be the last of his species. I bet at some point there's been a girl grimace I hope so you can just you can just stick a fucking bow on top of that thing I mean, that's what they did when we were kids if you needed a girl version of something You just stuck a bow on there. Yeah, you are you're pretty much right. I see a girl grimace bow on there. You're pretty much right. I see a girl grimace. No. From where? Well, someone posted it on Twitter, aka X the Everything app. And there's two girl grimaces. One is wearing a church hat. Yeah, it's kind of cute. And someone said, I believe a girl grimace is called a grimace.

Okay, so I remembering that I was like the female version of the what's the P Mr. peanuts, like wife, Mr. P. Well, no, I was her as a character on GMM. And they just put a church hat on me. That's it. That makes sense. Like, I just realized that. It's the new bow.

If the bow seems too easy, if the bow seems too hack, if you wanna go one little step further in creating your robust, dynamic female characters, throw on a church hat. Yeah. All right, well, if you have any opinions on how Grimace or any of the other McDonaldland characters breed give us an email free with ads at maximumfun.org

I can't believe we're asking people to do that. Yeah, come on freaks. Engage us in our content. Upset us in our inboxes. I know, God. Okay, well. Make me miss important work emails. Do you want to get gang banged by the fry guys?

They do roll the blame. Fry guy in every hole. That's why there's so many of them. Yeah. Fries and... What about those little nugget people? I'll take those. Oh yeah, I forgot those guys.

Oh yeah, they dress up for Halloween. I like them. Me too. All right, let us know how you would. You look like little naked chunks of flesh. Yeah, let us know. Aren't we all little naked chunks? I know, but it looks like it has human skin.

Matt, that's too dark. You can't say that. I'm too dark. I'm too dark. I'm too smart of a comedian for people to fully understand my ways. Smart and dark. Anyway, hey, let's talk about the movie Bats.

Okay. For a 1990. Bats, bats, bats. Hey, good thing. Yeah, it's a bats thing. Had anyone, had anyone seen, I want two questions for everybody. One, had you seen this movie before? And two, how do you feel about bats as a species?

Matt, maybe we'll go to you first and then Emily. Sure. No I had not seen this movie before, no I had never heard of this movie before. My thought on bats are that they spread disease. I believe that they are very deadly and you don't have to make killer bats with science when instead you can just take regular bats and make them give diseases to humans. That's my feelings about bats. I'm sure they're cute. I'm sure we have some bat guys who listen to this podcast.

We're gonna be very mad at me for slandering the bats, but I've always felt, because I'm afraid of rabies, you know? Oh, same, yeah. Oh, yeah bats, but I've always felt, because I'm afraid of rabies, you know? Oh, same, yeah. Oh, yeah, same. I've seen Old Geller.

Sure. Rabies is a scary, scary disease. You don't even know you have it, and then one day you can't drink water and you die. So that's my fear, is that a bat is going to give me rabies at some point.

Emily, this movie and Bats as a Species? Okay, just, I wanted to comment on Matt for a second. Sure. You'll know if you potentially have rabies if something fucking bites you. Yeah, that's what they say, but I feel like- And then you'll be like, a dog bit me.

It's probably rabies. You can, don't be afraid. Don't you feel like every day you wake up with a new wound? Not an open one. Maybe not an open one. But I feel like it's very easy to wound me. No, I got bruises. Yeah, like you walk into your house and your wife says she's been gone for three days. Where have you been? Just bleeding from every orifice. Why can't you leave me alone? You're like, I don't know. What if I... And it was a full moon a couple days ago. Matt, are you a werewolf? Maybe that's

where you have bruises. I still check my toilet for snakes, but only like at night. Only at night when it's dark. That's when the snakes come out. That's when they get there. That's snake time. I feel like they're gonna eat my balls. Exactly. Mine are gone.

Mine just hang there. Well, mine are ovaries in there inside of me. I piss sitting down because it's more comfortable. But they would have been balls. Yeah, and it's relaxing too, you know? Have a little time to yourself. I just don't see why to stand. I feel like who am I doing it for? My brother? I don't even live with him no more. And everyone everyone can pee however comfortable. Everyone can pee how it's comfortable you know whether you have a penis or a vagina. I get it. Pee the way you want it. If you have a vagina and you want to pee standing up go for it

god bless. Yeah if you want to pee while you're running around cool. Sure you want to pee standing up, go for it. God bless. Yeah. If you want to pee while you're running around, cool. Sure. You want to pee on my face at some point? Fine. Free with ads at maximumfoot.org. When I was a kid, we had Opryland theme park, which is no longer there, RIP, but I had to pee all the time when I was a kid.

And there was this thing called the Grizzly River Rampage, and it was like one of those raft rides and you'd like spin in the raft and the water would get everywhere and I'd wait for a really big splash to come over and everyone got soaked and then I'd pee. Nice, I like it, a strategy. Yeah. The lines were always crazy.

The water smells weird, right everybody? Everybody, the water, everybody, we all think the water smells like asparagus, right Seven-year-old Emily Fleming it's how do you feel about bats Emily? Are you scared of them? Do you like them? Are they little cuties? I think they are pretty cute. Honestly, I do not want to Come face to face with one without realizing it's there that seems terrifying But they're the only mammals that can fly, which is so fucking cool. Wow. I didn't know that. Yeah, they're just like singular and interesting. I love bats. Sonar. Sonar's cool. Yeah, the sonar's cool. Also,

I have a cousin. You're not going to believe this. Who's a bat? My cousin's name is Joe Bob. Did you say Joe? No, Joe. Oh, okay. Bob. I have is Joe Bob Mm-hmm. Did you say and uh Joe Joe? No, Joe Bob I have a joe bob cousin. This is all tracking so far, but he's and um he's In science biology or like he's a biologist. I think I don't know but he studies bats Like that's all he does like the woman in the movie like the one. Yeah, this is great I wonder how he feels about the movie. Like the woman, yeah this is great.

I wonder how he feels about this movie. See if you can get a comment, see if you can get him to comment on its accuracy. Yeah, I think maybe he'll do it if he doesn't listen to the part where I made fun of his name a lot. Yeah, he might do it. Hit him up, hit him up for Christmas if you see him.

Okay, yeah, totally. But yeah, I haven't seen the movie. You have not seen this movie. But this movie has been listed in the free with ads section on YouTube forever. Like ever since we started this podcast, it's been there. So I'm glad we're finally doing it. It makes me love YouTube that there's

like a home for these movies. Because it's clear that no one's buying bats. Amazon Prime was just, we'll pass. Freebie literally went under so they didn't have to have bats on there. Yeah, it is nice. And again, something I think we all like about the Free with ads of ours

is it's kind of home for some of these misfit toys. Yes. So yeah, I actually did see this movie when it was in theaters. I saw this with my two dumb buddies, Hector Fernandez and Eric Frimidig. We were super into Mystery Science Theater 3000. And we had, like for a summer, we're like,

we're gonna go to bad movies and we're gonna make fun of them. Like our heroes. That's so cool. No, it sucks. No, I love it. We were probably so fucking annoying. And I mean, again, like we were probably one of five people

in this movie theater. Oh, you did it in the theater? Yeah, I know. Jordan. We saw Bats. I thought you meant you saw it and then you talked shit later. No.

No. I would have loved you guys. You were you talked shit later. No. No. I would have loved you guys. You were my people. I know. But yeah, no one else though. Yeah, I think there's this little period when you're a teenager where you want to be funny, but you don't quite know how to make a joke yet, so you just settle for being annoying.

And I think that's what we did. We're like, just like, let's be annoying. We don don't know what a joke what's it be annoying anyway so I apologize if you were seeing bats in Orange County sometime around 1999 and there were three idiots just talking in it I apologize and I'll send you five bucks let me know free with ads maximum. I just want to make you feel better Jordan I when I was trying to figure out what was funny when I was a kid, I was worse. Because my friends and I, we would pretend

to have British accents everywhere we went. That is funny though. We did that, yep, we did a lot of that. I guarantee it was just Monty Python accents. It was like, I don't know, it was like bad. What's all this then? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, but we really thought

we were getting away with it. Oh yeah, like no one knows. People probably actually think we're British. Oh man. Yes. Stupid idiots. Yeah. We're gonna be famous.

Exactly, exactly. And then we were. So dumb. Yeah, true. So yeah, so let's talk about Bats. There is a really fun Free With Ads connection to this movie, other than it being a Bat movie that you can watch for free.

So the writer of this movie is John Logan. John Logan wrote Gladiator. What? John Logan wrote The Aviator. What? John Logan created and wrote Penny Dreadful, the Showtime show that both me and Emily love. Have you seen Penny Dreadful, Matt?

It's so amazing. I went to high school with the Dorian Gray guy. Oh, cool. Oh, my God. He was also the first actor from Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark. I know. I very much know this because I was very excited for him and his Broadway debut.

And it ended up being in the biggest Broadway flop of all time. But hey, he did Penny Dreadful, which is like, he was awesome in it. That's like an all-time TV show. That guy wrote this movie. I just want to say Reeve and his brother Zane are both virtuoso guitar players.

And I admire their jazz guitar skills very much. Get them on the show, Matt. No, I can't. Come on. Come on, get them on the show. No, they're... So John Logan is just like proof, if you keep at something, you will get better at it.

Yeah. Yeah. So. What a wonderful story, I love that. He wrote The Aviator? He wrote The Aviator, yeah. This is like his first or second movie. Yeah, and like this movie has some sort of weird distinction in that it's the movie that went from pitch

to screen the fastest. So I think he just ran into an office somewhere, said, Bad! Bad attack, bad attack! They green lit it, and then we're just in theaters a few months later. The trailer for this movie contains no footage of the movie because they hadn't shot it yet.

They just made the fucking trailer. Yeah, anyway, wild. So let's talk about what actually happens in this thing. This sounds so much better than it is. Yeah, I know. This sounds so much better than it is. Yeah, I know. This is so sad. Buckle up for kind of an underwhelming movie. So, Bats, the movie starts.

We got a couple of teens driving around. They're to what? It's probably some sort of make out point or something. The woman is given no name. The man is Quint. Quint, like Jaws. Oh, is this movie gonna be like Jaws, you think, because they're referencing, no, and then it's not like Jaws.

Fucking, what a mistake. I've said this before, don't reference a good movie in your bad movie. Don't make people remember a good movie. That they should be watching. It's true, but this movie feels like, so we love the birds. Oh yeah, sure. We mostly love Alligator.

Sure. Oh yeah. This feels like the two of them put together, this movie. Yeah, but all of the bad parts. But minus fun. Yeah. Yeah, completely. Minus like what if we took out the fun?

Totally, totally. Yeah, so Quint and this woman, they're fighting. Quint looks pretty cool I put like he looks like he plays stand-up bass in a psychobilly band And they're supposed to be from Texas this movie is mostly set in Texas. They cannot do southern accents These are the most north Hollywood fucking people. Are they trying to do southern? I guess yeah, they kind of are but yeah, these people are so fucking valley. They're so North Hollywood.

Yeah, they all do stand up open mics at the Ha Ha Cafe. Oh God. And they go smoke hookah. Oh God. Anyway, so they're fighting in the car, bats break in, it's not that scary, it's just mostly confusing, the camera's spinning all around.

I was so nauseous watching this movie And then quint okay, so you see you're you see them getting attacked in the car And then from the outside of the car quint like smashes through the windshield. How did that happen? Physically how did bats propel him through a window people are flying through windows all in this movie? What are the bats doing to make them propel out a window? They're just. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Did he go out the windshield?

Windshield, yeah. But doesn't that mean he just like hit something and he wasn't wearing a seatbelt? He must have thrown himself through the windshield. But he wasn't driving. The car's not moving, it's parked. Oh, okay, I forgot about this. No, no, that's okay.

It's like, it's just like, it's one of those things where I'm like, why did he, nevermind about this. No. No, that's okay. It's like it's just it's one of those things. I'm like, why did he never mind? Honestly that was this whole movie was like Okay, they cut to the logo bats it's upside down that's pretty cool I like the logos upside down and it goes right side up Yeah, the title card is badass. Title card rules. The font for the title of this movie

makes it seem like it's gonna be cooler than it really is. So then we go to Skull Valley, Arizona. Real place, by the way. Skull Valley, Arizona is a real place, which is neat. Cool name, real place. Dr. Sheila Casper is a sexy bat scientist. She's played by Dina Meyer. Dina Meyer from Starship Troopers, from Johnny Mnemonic.

Dina Meyer had a hell of a fucking 90s. I love her so much. She's great. There are problems with this movie. Cast, not one of them. No, definitely not. Everybody rules. She's great. Looks rules. She's great.

Looks awesome. Doing bat science. She is looking at bats in a cave, and she's got her man on the radio. Jimmy. Yes. Jimmy, who is the tallest guy in the movie, I believe? Oh, is he the tallest guy?

I believe so. So Jimmy, here's the thing. It's one of these things, a lot of movies around this time had one black character whose job it was to be horny. Yes. This is Jimmy. Or to die first. Yeah, Jimmy does make it throughout the whole movie,

but unfortunately has this kind of cringey dialogue. The guy in it is great. The actor's name is Just Leon. He's just called as Leon. He is a 90s staple in terms of like in black movies specifically, but even in a lot of mainstream movies, Leon has been in everything. Can I tell you how I know him? How do you know Leon?

The Like a Prayer music video. That's right, yes. Oh, neat, cool. Yeah. He made me very horny at like young age. He's a very attractive guy, and he goes by one name. His full name is Leon Robinson, but no one knows him as Leon Robinson. He is just Leon.

And he was billed, like credited as just Leon. He's done a bunch of biopics. He was in the Temptations biopic. He played Little Richard in the Little Richard biopic. No way. You're a huge Leon head. I had no idea. Huge Leon head.

Why is this movie so bad? You have all these legendary motherfuckers in it. He was in Above the Rim, he was in Cool Runnings, like the dude was so, he was in Malcolm X, the Spike Lee movie. He just has always been around and I love him. I love him. And he is now, I looked at his IMDB

and he is now in like all those prestige TV shows that I tell people I'm gonna watch but I will never watch So fucking good for you Leon get your Emmy if you don't have it already. Yes So yeah, his his his thing is he hates bats and caves. I kind of like that. It's funny It's like he is like the assistant to this bat scientist. He hates bats kind of funny. Yeah, it's also He says it like it's not, he says it like it's unique. Just like, man, I hate bats in caves. Yeah, most people do.

That's why they don't choose to go into that bat business or the cave business. His explanation is that, he goes, I like them from a distance. Right, yeah. What? Yeah, just like everyone. Like, well, okay.

I like to read about them. Yeah, yeah. I thought he just meant to look at them from a far distance. Sure. So like all of these movies, a helicopter lands and they take they just are picking up the experts where they're working. No one gets a phone call. Just a helicopter lands and you get on the helicopter and you go to the mission.

That's how you know you're the best of the best yeah when a helicopter lands no one people don't explain anything to you and you just go to a disaster site I hope to be so good at podcasting that I see a helicopter and they go we need you the government needs you I'll be like someone to talk about the Sopranos. So yeah, so they're having, it's the CDC and they're having a bat problem. These bats that killed Quint and his gal pal are rampaging through Texas. They're assembling a very small team to deal with this, including the town sheriff, Lou Diamond Phillips.

He is a cool dude. He has smoked a cigar, because I guess in the 90s, if you smoked a cigar, that meant you were cool. Now it just means you are someone who wears socks with sandals and you complain about how you can't give women compliments at work anymore. So, different time. Different time. So there they show they have Quint's corpse. It's pretty gross, it's a pretty gross model with a bunch of guts in it. They find a tooth.

We think it's bats. And Dina Meyer, she's insulted. Bats would never do this. Bats eat fruit. They would never. She wants to fucking leave. She can't believe they're talking shit about bats. She thinks they're slandering bats eat fruit. They would never, she wants to fucking leave. She can't believe they're talking shit about bats. She thinks they're slandering bats.

Yeah, she's insulted, but there's like a mad scientist guy there. This is played by Bob Gustin, who also had a fucking hell of a 90s Shawshank Redemption, Demolition Man. Yeah. He's called the fucking everywhere. And I think he, again, cast, not the problem with this movie.

This guy fucking understands this assignment so well and his mad scientist shit is the most fun part of the movie. It's so bizarre, like it's such a big performance that doesn't match anyone else's energy. No, uh-uh. And it makes it awesome, I don't know. I know, he's great in it. He's fun.

He talks about, so they basically just kind of like, this movie is quick, I'll give it that. It's like very, you know, it's very efficient. Points for quick. He kind of just explains that he's been breeding these super bats that are really intelligent. And when they ask him why, he's like, I'm a scientist. It's what I do. And it's like, well, actually, you could cure cancer if you wanted to.

You don't have to make super intelligent bats. That's not what all scientists do. Well, yeah. Remember in Alligator, they were like, the reason why Alligator existed is because it was eating pets that rolled through a trash chute. And all the pets had like, were they trying to make up super pets? I don't know what they were trying to do.

Yeah, something like that. Yeah. Yeah, so it's like a similar set up science-wise. Every one of these things, except for Jaws, every one of the movies we've watched with the killer animals has been another version of Godzilla. This is what man hath watched. With his, you know, science.

Well, I mean, the birds didn't really have much of that. That's true. Well, that was just kind of random, yeah. Yeah. The good movies don't need that. Sure. You know? So these bats are, you know,

they gotta stop the bats, I guess. So there's a little bit of character development between Dina Meyer and Lou Diamond Phillips. Her character trait is likes bats. She was scared of them when she was a kid, but didn't become Batman. She became a bat scientist. She has a pendant that says bats on it.

She likes bats. Okay. Is this the Madame Web of the Batman universe? Yeah. I, this movie's better than Madame Web. Come on, don't slag off bats, come on. All right, we're having fun. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Yeah, so that's her character trait. They get attacked by a flock of CGI bats. It looks pretty bad. The bats, so they're locked in the car and the bats like crawl up through the engine. That is so fucking smart. Bats know how a car works? That like, they-

They're super bats. They're super bats, so I guess they know like the make and model that like they're super bats they're super bats so I guess they know like the the the make and model Jeep they're in and where you enter to go through the glove box it's so yeah honestly the craftiness of the bats and how they get into places yeah are the best parts of the movie yeah it's really fun and there's bad CGI in this but there's also a lot of cute little bat puppets who are jacked. Have you seen how these bats were so buff?

I've heard of not skipping leg day, but not skipping wing day anyway. Boy, oh boy. Boy. I do wish the bats were bigger, like even bigger than the big ones. They should be. There should have been like a giant queen bat at the end. Yes, that's what I thought was going to happen. Yeah, that would be cool. In the scene where Quint gets killed, I thought there like a giant queen bat at the end. Yes, that's what I thought was gonna happen. Yeah, that would have been cool. In the scene where Quint gets killed,

I thought there was a giant bat. I thought there was a big old bat, a man bat, so to speak. No, that'd have been cool. Normal size, normal size bats. They're bat-sized bats, who cares? So, they survived the bat attack for some reason. They catch one of them There they have this fucking half-assed

Attempt to give them a romantic subplot Dina Meyer and Lou Diamond Phillips really and I have a clip here There's like there's like three of these moments where they try and make them flirt with each other, and this is one of them. Matt, can you play this? Alright. Now when I open the cage, I want you to reach in and grab him by the neck and wings. Aren't you crazy? Try to be gentle. Affirm. Think I can handle that?

I'm sure you can, Emmett. Okay, you ready? The scintillating tension! Oh, we're all so horny, aren't we? Oh, the scintillating, oh, the tension, aren't we? Oh, we're all so horny, aren't we? Oh, the chemistry, it's crackling. He can handle it. Sure, he sure can. If you know what I mean. Like, they're both great actors,

they are so fucking bored, especially this chemistry they're trying to make them have is just so forced. Yeah. Could you imagine this scene just like, okay, grab this rubber bat we found at Party City. It's like pretty much. Where do you want me to grab the bat?

In the wings. Oh, oh, in the wings. In the pussy wings. Oh yes, grab the bat's pussy. Oh, oh, the wings. Oh, yes, grab the bat's pussy. So anyway, they put a tracker in the bat. It flies away and the other bats rip it apart. That's kind of cool. I kind of like that they knew it had a tracker in it.

That's neat. But then the bats just start attacking this little Texas town. They're kind of going around town, just attacking random townspeople. There's a very dark moment where a bat crawls in a baby's crib and they don't show us what happens to it. That's like, you know.

I mean, I know I'm a dark standup comedian, but that's, you know. That's too dark. That's a dead baby for sure. That's a dead baby. I mean, I don't know though, sometimes, listen, if you put something smaller than a baby inside of a crib with a baby, that baby will kill whatever

it's holding. I'm just saying, a lot of people like, oh no, don't bring the cat in the room because cat sucks the soul out of babies, whatever that old wives tale is. No, my baby would just kill the cat. What does your baby do to the cat? Does she like the cat? Well, she has a gun.

Start them early, you gotta start them early. Gun safety is important. Gun safety is so important. Does she squeeze it too hard sometimes? Oh my god, yes, all she does is chase the cat, squeeze the cat till it squeaks. Yeah, just punch it in the head I have to tell her all the time to stop terrorizing the cat

Pretty much got it now That would have been a very funny gag of like you see the bat crawling at the baby And then you cut back and then when you see the baby again, it's just bashing the bat on the side Yeah, so just bashing the bat on the side of the crib. That's exactly what would have happened. Telling you. That's amazing. Yeah, so the bats start attacking the town. There's kind of a funny gag here where the CDC apparently told people that this was gonna happen and no one believed them

and the bats are attacking anyway. And there's this joke about like, it's Texas, we do what we want. So bats predicted COVID. I know, I was just thinking, I was like, it's Texas, we do what we want. So bats predicted COVID. I know, I was just thinking, I was like, wow, this is prescient. Yeah, yeah. Quite prescient. So there's some kind of chaos.

Bats are attacking people. There's a lot of people just jumping through windows. Again, it's like, how are the bats doing this? How are they throwing people through windows anyway? It's crazy that the birds is so good. It really is. It really is. If you crazy that the birds is so good. It really is. It really is. If you think about the birds,

there's no reason why it should be better than bats. Because bats are like birds but scarier. Yeah, yeah. And yet, I believe that the birds do that. I don't believe the bats do this, you know? Yeah, you're right. I don't know. I bet somebody got attacked by a bat, like a big bat.

I mean, in real life. Sure. But I'm saying movie-wise, you're watching this movie and you're just kind of going like, wait, what are the bats doing? Come on. Yeah. They're just flying around. And then you get a closeup of their face

like chomping at you. And then it does a little, like, it spins in a circle for a while. And then. Right. The bats only seem to take a few bites out of people and then they leave. Like the bats take two little bites and sometimes it's enough to kill you but I feel like they like rip, they get the throat meat, the sweet throat meat and then they just leave and I think when they're attacking the mad scientist guy later they just get his ear.

The bats are like very wasteful. No, they take him to the ground and cover him. Oh, that's right. You're right. You're right. They do bite off his ear at one point. It's crazy. Yeah, but they No, they take him to the ground and cover him. Oh, that's right. You're right, you're right. It's crazy. They do bite off his ear at one point. Yeah, but they do kind of swarm him at the end. The ear was the first little nibble.

Yeah, I was like, ooh, good ear. So, you know, they're cleaning up after this bad attack. The CDC guy dies and she, Dina Meyer, puts her pendant in his hand. And I'm like, were they that close? I didn't ever think, I mean, you're sad someone died, sure, but like, they're treating it like, oh my, here, take my pendant to the afterlife.

It's like, you didn't know him that well, did you? I don't know. But didn't he love bats as well? You know what, maybe he did. Maybe in him she saw a kindred spirit. Yes, that's what I think it is. A bat lover like herself, you're probably right, Emily. Thank you. Our heroes kind

of hole up in a school and they kind of like fortify the school with like electric fences and stuff like that. Lou Diamond Phillips puts on opera. He kind of puts on opera so they all listen to it in the school. So there you go. He has a character trait. He has one character trait. He likes opera. There we go. On with the movie. No, he's got a second one. He wears hat. Oh, you're right. He has two things.. He likes opera. There we go, on with the movie. No, he's got a second one. He wears hat. Oh, you're right. He has two things. Speaking of.

Oh. Do you think that the cowboy hats in this movie are the worst hat? Well, they're the only hats. Okay, yeah, well. The worst hat. There you go, you're right. Maxfunstore.com, get your own the worst hat hat.

It's also the best hat, but it's also the worst hat. I don't have a sting for that. Oh, okay. Well then just keep that one. Yeah. Okay, good. I worst hat. I don't have a sting for that. Oh, okay. Well then just keep that one. It's fine. Yeah. Okay, good.

I do like, I don't know where this movie was filmed, but every time they have extras, just everybody's wearing a cowboy hat as if to say, look, it's Texas. See, Texas. Look, we're in Texas. If you thought we weren't, we are. So you know, they're putting on opera. They come up with this plan to like cool the bats. They're like, if we cool the bats, they'll go to sleep

and they'll go to sleep. And if they and if they'll hibernate and then they'll just die. So they find. Yeah. All right. Whatever can't blow up the like cave because it'll make them all scatter. And it's like, OK. But God, there's so many like artificial ticking clocks in this movie.

Yes. Like we're going to bomb the town. No, we're going to bomb the cave. But OK, shouldn't that do it? No, the bats will scatter. We have to cool them. You were going to do that before. Yeah, well, we're not. It's just like so fucking confusing. Pick one thing.

But also the military is like there and they're like go in during the night and they're like don't do that. They're nocturnal. They're nocturnal. Yeah, fucking Nora. That's like everyone knows that about bats. The general goes, don't you think I know that?

Do it anyway. You're like what? Then if you know it, all right. No, don't. I want it to be a fair fight. You think I'm gonna show up to the bats when they're asleep? Yeah, I'm no coward. Like a coward?

I'm gonna stab them in the back. Yeah. I have honor. I'm an honorable general who's in this movie for two minutes. Well, four-star general is about to get eaten by bats. So there's a big bat. Or yeeted. Yeah.

Or yeeted by bats. They yeet. these bats yeet. You know what, maybe that's, yep. That is, I guess, getting thrown through the windshield is a form of yeeting. Yes. Yes. It is a kind of yeet.

It is a yeet. It is a yeet. And if you live, you get a yeet infection. It's called rabies. Yeetin ain't cheatin', as they say. We're having fun with a movie that wasn't fun. The movie wasn't fun, but we're fun. Unlike the movie.

I'm still laughing about yeet infection, Matt. I'm not good. Thank you. So the, Leon, oh no, so Lou Diamond Phillips punches one of the bats in the face and says bitch, this happened a lot in movies around this time, people just killing something and saying bitch, I'm reminded of the kill shot in Anaconda, ice cube, is that ice cube in that, kills the Anaconda, says bitch, anyway. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, 100%. Much better movie than this. Yeah, I think John Voight gets eaten so he doesn't get to eat it. Yeah, then barfed up. That's kind of a cool part of that Winks and he winks yeah Still horny for JLo even yeah We're talking about another movie within the podcast episode about another movie. Right, we're just reviewing another movie. That is, give you a little taste. Think about Bats, it reminds you of other better movies.

All right, so this is, we're almost at the end of this thing. Why don't we take a little break? We'll come back and talk about the thrilling conclusion of Bats. We're back, it's Free With Ads, we're talking about bats. Okay, so the mad scientist guy, he reveals he was working for the army, then he thinks he controls the bats. He kind of like goes out in the middle of the field and does a little like, come to me, come to me, my children kind of speech.

This is like the best part of the movie and this is like what the movie should be. It should be like, can't be crazy shit. And then it, you know, this is like kind of a fun part and then of course they like kill him and they bite off his ear and then swarm him. Great joke. Yeah, it is great. This is a lot of fun, we love this dude.

And then, you know, it's just time to go to the bats lair and kill them. so confusing the army Went in and they put this cooling unit in and then the bats killed everyone and instead of going back in to turn it on They just gave up and are doing a new plan where they bombed the cave But apparently that will scatter the bats cave, but apparently that will scatter the bats. I don't know how people know. It's like, I don't know, blow it up, I guess, yeah.

Whatever. It's a cave. You cave it in. Yeah, geez. Oh, duh. But our heroes. They can't get out. Well.

I don't know, seems like it's fine to me. There's no one around the cave anyway. It's like in an empty fucking field and these guys We got it. No, they're wrong. That's not gonna work Well, the eggs are in one basket how do we go back in and turn on the fucking thing you put in there anyway? It's literally the best place to have like kill something Yeah, if it were under the city together and they could have together. And they could have done that. They could have been like, we can't set off a bomb. The cave of bats is under the city.

Yeah, totally, exactly. It's like, right, that makes sense. But I think we're all just watching this going like, I think it's probably fine to just drop a bomb on it, right? Yeah, come on, guys. What are we doing? Or gas them. Do we really not have that much faith

in American military anymore? Thank you, yes. You know, the 90s were a dark time. We can do it. We've got the equipment. We've got the technology. We have a giant air conditioner apparently. Anyway, so our heroes kind of go down in the cave.

They kind of wade through a lake of guano, bat poop. That's kind of a cool gross part. That's kind of neat. Yeah, that was cool. Very dangerous, very dangerous. There's a fungus in there that can be transferred to humans. Very deadly. Oh, boy. Really?

Is that in the movie, or is that real? No, that's real. I hate bats. They should have been called the movie Fungus. Yeah, or bats. And fungus. Colon diseases it can lead to. Bats and fungus.

Yeah. So they fight a bunch of bats. bats and Yeah So, you know they fight a bunch of bats they they find like a little key to turn on the air conditioner They turn it on and they go out and they tell the army wait We did it we turned it on and the army's like just believes them immediately and like, okay Well, we're not gonna bomb it anymore But so are they they just get cold and die? Yeah, I guess. I guess these steps are like they hibernate.

They think it's like winter and they start to hibernate and then they just die. Where do I get this like special spa day? Just put me to sleep. You gotta get a giant army air conditioner. Yeah. So they do it. Something explodes though. Oh yeah. Oh, cut. Yeah. So they do it. Something explodes, though.

Oh, yeah. Oh, cut. Yeah. So I guess they like so they turn on the air conditioner and then they explode the cave walls so the bats can't get out. But that fuck up the air conditioner. Yeah. I don't know. Whatever. We have done that in the first place. Yeah. Also, right. If they can't get out, does it matter what's happening to them in there? Anyway, you think he wrote bats trying to sell gladiator? They're like,

we like the script gladiator script. We need someone to write a bat movie that's going to come out in four months. Yeah. And he's like, can you, we'll give you a pile of cocaine in a hotel room. Please give it to us on on Monday Yeah, you've got all of Labor Day weekend Yeah, it feels like they just gave the actors like their script for the scene in the moment Yeah, yeah, and they just went they went just do it just you know So yeah, they kill the bats yay And there's kind of it kind of ends on kind of a fun note. They drive away and a little, like,

like the end of Carrie, like the hand coming out of the ground in Carrie, a little bat pokes his head out. Cute one. A cute little bat pokes his head out from underneath the dirt and then it's immediately run over by their car. Yeah. And then weird choice of music, surf rock comes on. It's like,

derr-nee-derr-nee-derr-nee-derr-nee. I looked up, it was so weird to me, I'm like, surf music? This song is from Low Straight Jackets, a band I really like. I interviewed the drummer. From your school paper, right? Yes.

Yeah. You were friends with your dad or something? I don't know what it was, honestly. I need to ask, oh, my dad worked for Maypex Drum Company for a little while. And he was the warehouse manager for the shipping and all that. And I think he knew him through that somehow.

But yeah, he wanted me to play his drums and I couldn't. So. You're like, cause you don't play drums. No, I was playing the snare drum in band, but I wasn't good. I was trying to figure it out. Well, little did you know that man would go on to write a song for the credits of Bats.

Wow. That's so cool. A lot of personal connections. Yeah, a lot of connections.. Yeah, a lot of connections. Weirdly, a lot of connections. Well yeah, we talked about Bats. We're gonna rank it on a scale of one to 10 super loud commercials, but first,

it's time for our famous segment, Hunk Watch. It's Hunk Watch. I have a very vanilla answer to this, and it's Lou Diamond Philips. Yeah. Who has been a fucking hunk since the 80s, and he's still making my mom horny on CBS procedurals. This man has been a fucking lifetime achievement award

for hunkiness for this guy. Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. I think that she's a big hunk. She's great. She's so cool. I don't know, I wonder where she is now. I hope she's still out there doing stuff, but she's stunning. Yeah, my hunk is Leon because I love Leon. Leon's pretty hunky too, that's true.

Love him. Big into Leon. The role, not my favorite Leon role, but you know what? Work is work. Work is work. The creepy scientist guy on the cusp for me. Yeah. Okay.

Honorable mention for the warden of Shawshank Prison. Yeah, I just think he was too tan. He was pretty tan. If he was a little less tan, I would have maybe been too. Yeah, mad scientists aren't tan. That's the whole thing. Is there insight a lot? Yeah, you should be toiling over beakers and Bunsen burners. Especially if it's a Bats thing. Yeah, for sure. It's not like daytime

Bat hangouts. Great point, Matt. Thank you. I got a lot of points. There's a lot of... Wonderful points....plot holes in this movie. Yeah, I've noticed. Not airtight. Well, hey, we're going to rank Bats on a scale of one to 10 super loud commercials when we come back. ["Bats on a Scale of 1 to 10 Super Loud Commercials"] We're back, it's Free With Ads. We're gonna rank Bats on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials. Emily, you wanna go first here? Okay, I give it a seven.

Okay, well okay. Tell us more. I don't know, it was like, it did not let up once it got going like that. It was just jump scares like non-stop like and then the attack in the town square like in that like most bananas. It's pretty crazy. I've ever seen. That's a fun sequence. It's super fun and I don't know I had I had a blast with it but it is a bad movie But I was very entertained by it. Okay Matt. What do you got? I'm gonna give this a four. I give it four bats One of the things that I really enjoyed about this movie was that it was lightning fast

it had all of the The plot points of a movie which I love in movies, when I'm just like, oh, this is how a movie would do it. The actors were recognizable and reminded me of better movies. They were. So I give it a four. I understand. I understand. Okay, so if you microwave an unseasoned piece of chicken and serve it with a head of lettuce

and a glass of water, that is technically a meal. And I think in that same way, this is technically a movie, right? Like, I guess. I guess this is a movie Sure, it has a beginning middle and an end and characters. Yeah, they filmed it and everything They did film it and there is sound and picture. Yeah I yeah, I think I think it it it the fun parts are the things that remind you of like better animal attack movies I think we all mentioned a handful of them and we like the genre a lot

attack movies. I think we all mentioned a handful of them and we like the genre a lot. And I'm guessing you'll probably hear about more animal attack movies on this podcast, but I think this was a lesser one for me. I think the like, it just makes all the sense in the world that this is something they kind of like sped into theaters without thinking too much about it. I think there's a more fun campy version of this movie they could have made with this same awesome cast. But I think this didn't really do it for me this time around, I'm giving it a three. Wow. A three for Bats.

There is a sequel to Bats called Bats, called Human Harvest. You'll be shocked to know that you can watch it free with ads, but it is set in Afghanistan and it involves terrorists. Hey, maybe don't try and make your Bat movie topical. It's like, oh my God. No, don't. Oh my God.

It's not really about bats. It's about how war is hell. No, don't. No, don't. Just bang about bats. Why can't it be more than bats? No! Like, you had the opportunity to do the giant bat that we all wanted.

I know. And instead you did... Yeah, that sucks. Anyway, so that's bats. There's a few comments from the comment section that I absolutely love. Oh, sure. I would love to read some stuff from the comment section.

We actually have a famous segment called Comment Segment, right? With a skit. Comment section. What do you got, Matt? My favorite is from Sunny Skies wrote, there is always one that gets away, but he got squished. Lol.

Great movie. I love it when someone just says what had happened in a movie. Yeah. And then a lot of Lou Diamond Phillips is always solid. Yeah. Great movie. Love the fact that his character loves opera. Yeah, you love the one fact about his character. That's the only fact we have.

You know what? There's bats heads out there apparently and we celebrate you. I love how everyone's single in this movie. Nobody has a family. Nobody has kids. Nope. Just kind of people walking around. I know. Yeah. If they could have made the sexual tension a little more fun in this.

Obviously, they're both so hot and you could have fun and they... Anyway, we don't need to sit around talking about that. Maybe they knew each other in the past or something. Maybe. I don't know. That's like, oh oh you again. Oh boy That would have been fun. That would have been fun. Sure. Hey Let's do some plug-ins. Shall we?

We all hope to see you at SF sketchfest in San Francisco, California We got a live show Thursday, January 23rd 7 730 p.m. at the Punchline Comedy Club. Tickets at sfsketchfest.com. We have a great guest. We're gonna be talking to the wonderful standup comic, Shawna Christmas, who I noticed in her bio, lists Pluto TV as one of her credits. So she's a star in the world of free with ad streaming.

We can't wait to talk to her about what it was like to be on Pluto TV. And we're gonna be talking about Twilight. So if you wanna hear us goof on Twilight, come see us at SF Sketch Fest. Bring your friends, even if they're not huge fans of the show, it'll be general, it'll be funny, and only a few inside jokes that they won't get.

Yeah, just a few. Also, are we gonna dress up? We could maybe dress up. We'll talk about, listen, how about this? Let's take, in the comments of this episode, get at us on Instagram. What are your favorite Twilight-based costumes we should wear?

Let us know, because we've never, you've, Matt's the only one of us who's seen it, right? On my honeymoon. On his honeymoon. I've seen parts of it, but not, I haven't sat down and watched an entire Twilight movie. So I'm excited. Well, let us know if you have any Twilight cosplay tips,

we'd love to hear them. And we got merch, of course, maxfunstore.com, t-shirts, hats that say the worst hat, pint glasses, stickers. We love our merch and we would love for you to have it. Maxfunstore.com. And hey, I got a little personal plug. Hey, you love to hear me talk about comic books, don't ya?

I have a story in an upcoming issue of Marvel Comics Spider-Man. That's right. Web of Spider-Verse will be hitting stores on March 5th of 2025. I'm doing a story with a great artist named Sumit Kumar. He's drawn the hell out of this thing. I don't think I can say exactly what it's about yet, but it is a kind of funny, spooky Spider-Man story. It's my first one for Marvel, and I'm really excited. So if you are a comics folk, go to your local comic book store and pre-order Web of Spider-Verse.

Put it on the pull list. It's something you can only get at a comic book store for now. So if you got a local comic book store, hit them up. And if you don't know where your local comic book shop is, yeah, head on over to Yelp. They're fun spots. And you can get yourself a copy of Web of Spider-Verse New Blood coming out March 5th. This is really, really, really cool. It's cool. Congratulations.

Thanks. Yeah, yeah, it's neat. It was very, very fun to write Spider-Man quips. I was like, oh my God, this is like, kind of the fucking best. Well yeah, anybody else, any plugs? Good Mythical Weekend is coming back. We're coming back like, I think permanently,

is what's gonna happen soon. Yes, make sure you are subscribed to the Good Mythical Morning YouTube channel. Matt, Emily, and I, plus the whole gang of Mythical Crew folks will be goofing around on Good Mythical Weekend. Dropping every Saturday, is that right? Correct. I'm not sure when the next episode is, when it starts,

but it's starting soon. Yeah. By the time you hear this, it probably has started. It may have started. And if it hasn't, still subscribe to Good Mythical Morning on YouTube and wait for it. And wait for it. We're going to be goofing around, playing games,

making jokes, having a good old time on Good Mythical Weekend. OK. That's it for today. Tune in next week when our movie will be Dick Tracy. ["Dick Tracy Theme Song"] Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network. Of artist-owned shows.

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