Free With Ads - Dungeons & Dragons (2000) with Travis McElroy

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

Why listen to a bad podcast about the good Dungeons & Dragons movie (2023) when you could listen to a good podcast about the bad Dungeons & Dragons movie (2000)? Hosts Emily Fleming and Jordan Morris invite special guest Travis McElroy (My Brother, My Brother and Me) to talk about this wonderfully terrible film.Please pre-order "Youth Group" on Booksoup and get a signed and personalized message from Jordan Morris! Please keep it PG-13 but feel free to make it weird! DIRECTIONS: When you are purchasing it on Booksoup, at the end of the shopping cart page you can write what you want Jordan to say in the section that says “Use this area for special instructions or questions regarding your order."

Welcome Welcome to Free With Ads, the podcast that asks the question, why pay Paramount plus 12 bucks a month to watch a Dungeons & Dragons movie with 91% on Rotten Tomatoes when you can go on YouTube for free and watch a Dungeons & Dragons movie with 9% on Rotten Tomatoes? I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Emily Fleming. Today's movie is 2000's Dungeons & Dragons, a fantasy adventure about two thieves who get caught up in a rod-based power struggle for the mythical land of Izmir,

and based on the popular role-playing game of the same name. Today, we are very lucky. We are downright treated to be joined by someone who is an expert in this field. Travis McElroy. He's one of the hosts of My Brother, My Brother and Me. And one of the co-creators of the podcast and graphic novel series, The Adventure Zone. Hi, Travis. Hello. Hi.

Hello, Jordan and Emily. i'm happy to be here um i had seen that sounded not convincing no well the rest of that was i'm happy to be here i did not enjoy watching this movie at all i had to watch it in chunks um which is what happens one life you know i have two kids and of course i'm getting ready to go to sketch fest so i was I had to watch it in chunks, which is what happens. One, life. You know, I have two kids. Of course. I'm getting ready to go to Sketchfest. So I was watching it on different TVs as I moved around my house doing other things.

But it also is just like not holding my ADHD attention. But I had seen this movie before when it came out. And I would have been like 15 or 16 and I hated it then too. So, and I didn't start playing D&D until I was like 22, 23. Oh yeah, I was gonna ask, when you saw this movie and hated it, was it because you thought they didn't get D&D right?

Or it seems like that wasn't the case no actually in fact i would say uh quite the opposite now re-watching it i'm like there's some elements where the degree they go to to include random can i curse oh yeah yeah random shit and i'm just like okay but why didn't you include some scenes that should have been in the movie and it's just like wow you guys worked really hard at that and so like the first time i watched it children gather around back in the 2000s the idea of like papa papa tell us about the aughts let us bounce upon your knee and tell us about when britney and justin were a pair

the idea of like a big budget sword and sorcery movie. Yeah. Like, like it's right up there with like any superhero movie, right? So like these superhero movies of like the shadow

and the phantom and like even Dick Tracy to some degree. I remember this. Where it's like, yeah, listen, it's not good.

I'm not excited to see it, but what else am I going to see? You know? And, and so like, i remember watching it right i'm 13 i'm not gonna go watch scent of a woman yeah come on man and um and and i remember just watching it like i don't think this is good and i was 15 i liked some shit right i like some real bad movies and i'm'm watching it and I'm like, what's happening? I should have gone with mom and dad to see the Hudsucker proxy. Man, I wish. Oh, God.

Oh, great movie. Loved it. Emily, before we do our top of the show stuff, have you ever played D&D? And what do you think about, like, fantasy sword dragon spell type movies? I have not played D&D. i've watched other people play it um i enjoy watching other people play it i get a little bogged down with the rules and the dice and everything a lot of dice but i like the storytelling and all that but when i watch this movie being a you know unfamiliar to the world of dnd it just makes me think about movies like i loved mortal combat the first movie when i was a kid it gives me that vibe like the special effects are

like the cgi and stuff are kind of you know primitive and stuff sure and i'm trying to think of other movies but like never-ending story it gave me a lot of never ending story vibes how dare you well i know we just met but how dare you pump the brakes i'm talking about never ending story part two with jonathan brandis okay this is that one the real never ending story well but like yeah the second never-ending story the really like like super campy not as brilliant version but i still loved that movie so i honestly it gave me a little sense of nostalgia i did not see this in the year 2000 but if i had i would have loved it um okay so yes uh we will we will get into the movie momentarily but first we have a couple of

other things to do uh we are going to break down this movie, which is at the time of this recording streaming free with ads. So we want to talk about something else for free that we saw on the internet this week. Uh, I will go first, uh, to either of you fuck with Pluto TV. I haven't recently, but I do fuck with it, the concept in general. Okay. I fucked around it. I fucked Saturn TV. Yeah. While Pluto watched.

Ooh. So this is like, it's a free with ads network where everything is kind of streaming. It makes it feel like you're flipping around cable. Everything is like always on. There's a couple of on-demand things, but basically it feel like you're flipping around cable. Everything is like always on. There's a couple of on-demand things, but basically it's like you turn to the Action Movie channel, you see what's on.

You turn to the Bar Rescue channel, you watch John Taffer yell at people while wearing the one sport coat that he owns. So I was watching on Pluto TV the last like 30 minutes of the Coneheads movie. Ah.

Oh, yeah. Which is a movie I watched constantly as a kid and realized it was far too adult for me. It's just a lot of adult themes in this movie. It is about, you know, a married couple who have a dead bedroom. It's a very grown up movie. I would also say to that point, now that I am a parent, there are things that happen in movies where it's like, if I was like 25,

right. And watching it, I wouldn't think it was too adult, but there are moments like, for example, in Coneheads, there's a running joke of them chewing condoms. Like it's bubble gum and blowing bubbles.

And like, my mom told me they were balloons. I'm like, if my kid was watching it and she'd be like, what is happening now? The panic that would overtake my body in that moment. Yeah. Emily Conehead, you seen it?

You know, it's crazy. I have not seen it. And one of my dear friends, Lorraine Newman, is in that. Oh, yeah. She was in the sketches on SNL quite a bit more, but she did make an appearance in the movie. And I should watch it to be, you know, I should know it. You should.

I have not seen it. Maybe we'll watch it for the podcast because it's a gosh darn classic. Oh, yeah. The thing I want to play for y'all is the song that plays over the end credits. Speaking of gather around and let me tell you about the past,

remember when movies had to have rap songs that played over the credits that were in the world of the movie? Yeah. There is a Coneheads rap, everybody. Yes. By who? By who? Performed by Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.

Matt, why don't you play a little bit of the Coneheads rap? Try not, your cone is shivering in the light. Eldar, apply the senso ring tonight. coneheads rap so honestly kind of a bop yeah it kind of rules and uh you don't have to hold your cone alone she's talking about he's talking about jacking off everybody the cone is the penis um and we're going to talk about a movie where rods uh play an important part in it i'm so and cones. I'm so glad you mentioned that. Those are both parts of the I, anyway. Yeah, that really, the more I heard it, the more I felt like a 12-year-old boy.

Yeah. Can I tell you, the problem with it is, though, okay, it may not be the time. I can hold off the opinion. No, no. Tell us about rods. The problem with it is is to compare it to like what it's like to play actual dnd right right is like nobody jokes about it enough if it had been

then the new dnd movie and they're like you have to get the rod in and there'll be my rod against your rod or whatever it would have been so funny and everybody in the thing would be like what what are you taught like how dare you but in this it was just like yeah christine would have a quip at the ready right exactly there were no quips it was just like yeah you got it this big red throbbing rod yeah cool and i can't wait to ask questions about this because i am very confused about the rods but i will get to that. A lot of rods in this movie. Emily, did you see anything weird on the internet this week? Well, I had shared this with you before. It's less weird and more awesome.

This DJ that I follow, I'm Jojo Lorenzo. Oh, I think I know what's coming. Yes. Oh, yeah. They did this amazing, they were doing a I guess a show DJing at a show for I guess Book Club Radio is another account that's really great on Instagram. And they did this fabulous remix of a Creed song. And I can't stop. I can't stop listening to it. So I love Creed.

I can... Turn it up. He said that's as far as it goes up. Beautiful. I really hope he releases this. Bass. Wow. Wow Fucking love it

I love it so much I need the I So good Point number one Conehead's rap Into Creed remix Have we created

The ultimate Fuck playlist Yeah Maybe we have Yes I don't know Yeah this is That song We put on the Cinto rings Have we created the ultimate fuck playlist? Maybe we have. Yes. I don't know. We put on the Cinto rings. Our cones are engorged.

I don't know. The rest of it. No one's holding their own cone tonight. No. Yeah, I will admit, I was listening to a lot of modern rock radio in the 90s. Creed is one of my least favorite bands that has ever existed. Wow.

How would you rank it against Train? Oh, Train over Creed. Train over Creed. Oh, fuck off, Jordan. No, Jordan, no. No. Train over... If somebody told me that Train

had made a deal with the devil because their songs are so milquetoast, and yet every three years they get a top ten hit. To the point where at one point they did Heart and Soul as the song, and still because of their deal with the devil, it got played on the radio. Everyone's like, I don't know why we're playing it either. Well, I think that whatever demon train sold their soul to um they did some deal where they

abandoned goo goo dolls because i feel like train is if there can even be a softer version of the goo goo dolls train is it like yes it's right i love Dolls, by the way. I love Goo Goo Dolls too hardcore for you. No, I love Goo Goo Dolls so much. And I felt like Train was the saccharine, like soulless kind of version of that. But yeah. Train has had so many hit songs and I guarantee you 100% of the time,

even if all the members were together, unless they're on stage at a Train concert, no one would identify who they were. Like the entirety of the band of Train could walk into a room full of people who like Train even. And no one would clock that they were Train. I bet like the bass player forgets. He's like, oh right, I mean Train. Oh honey, I can't pick up the kids today.

I mean Train. I have to go do a concert tonight in Las Vegas. Did I do Closing Time? No, no, no. That was somebody else. That was Semi Sonic. Semi Sonic. I'm in train, which is a different band.

Oh, my God. You know how there's all these concerts that are kind of, you know, they're bringing back 2000s things. Sure. I would love it if it was like the adult contemporary VH1 thing where it's like, so we got Goo Goo Dolls. We got Train. We got a, what is it?

Vertical Horizon. We've got. You find a CD that they were selling at the counter at Starbucks in 2002. We got Verpipe. We got Michelle Branch. Oh, I love. Who's that? It's Matchbox 20. They got Michelle Branch. Verve Pipe. Oh, I love Verve Pipe. Who's that? It's Matchbox 20.

They're headlining. Fuck yes. Matchbox 20 had quite a little moment there with the Barbie movie. Matchbox 20, one of my favorite bands. I love Matchbox 20. Third Eye Blind, too. Throw them in the mix. Listen, say what you will, but Man Season is a start to finish album.

You can start it and you don't skip a single song in there it's an amazing album well it's like i you know everybody talks about pure moods on tiktok everybody's like oh remember pure moods yeah the starbucks soundtracks are about to make a new wave i think okay i like this. We're calling it. I'll see you guys next year at Down the Middle Fest. We'll all have some... Non-challenging. That's what I like my music to be. We'll all have some herbal tea and have a nice time.

Yeah. Okay. So, guys, Dungeons & Dragons, let's do it. We get a big ol' info dump over just some kind of generic shots of smoke. The land of Izzinia is in turmoil. I said it wrong in the intro.

It's Izmir. What are you talking about? It's Izmir. You gotta go on down to Izmir, man. Yeah, that sounds drunk as hell. Izmir? That sounds like where my cousin and them are from. Deke, get Ismer and tell him to pick me up

at the Waffle House. Stepped on a broken bottle. Yeah, man, dragons coming. Is he dragons again, man? We gotta get inside. Come on. So anyway, there's a magical land. Safe out here.

Some gold dragons. Oh, shit, it's a magical land. Ain't safe out here. There's a magical land. Some gold dragons. Oh, shit. Shred dragons, too. Get the good deck chairs. Bring them in. We got inside. Cover the, cover the, uh, cover the pool. There's that dragon that done fucked my wife.

Oh, man. Above ground pools ain't safe out here. And dragons. Oh, yeah. Those things will attract dragons if you have an above ground pool. Yeah, man. If you have an above ground pool. You're going to get dragons. You get skaters, you get dragons. It's the skaters above ground pool.

You got to be careful. You got to get in there and scoop them June bugs out. The caters. The caters. You got to scoop them all day long, man. I grew up in West Virginia, man. I know all about getting dragons out of the above ground pool. They get stuck in the filter, man.

That's the problem. It gets stuck in the filter burner right now. There's a magical land. It has turmoil, political turmoil. There is a queen who wants... I don't know. The power vacuum plot in this movie is so thin. There are two Senate scenes where people

seem to just have these very generic opinions. More equality, less equality. Yeah, right? They did not think about this at all. Also, we can't get Thora Birch a podium? Yeah, she just has to stand in the middle of the room. Why are we not her just wandering around? Could you hear that?

It's like gladiator style. There's just people wandering around. You spent the podium money on the outfit. Oh, the outfit is fab. She, in that, in her first scene, she's wearing a crown that has like three dangly things off the front of it. Yeah.

And if that was me, I would see it out of the corner of my eye constantly. It would annoy the shit out of me. I'm like, oh. You'd be like a house cat. Sorry, no, it was the, sorry, I thought i thought it was a fly anyways oh god sorry queen queen amidala walked so that thor can run but she does have a very childlike empress kind of vibe doesn't she speaking of never ending story she does yeah oh it's going for that 1000 but then again like this is another thing with like dnd like i do it everybody does it of like when you want to introduce a ruler and you don't

want your players to think like oh but are they secretly a villain right and make them like a child empress or something like that right because then it's like i'm instantly defensive of this person i'm instantly gonna protect them right it's a good shorthand I'm not criticizing it at all like it's used for a reason and so like it's very dandy yeah it's very dandy um the

political thing though strikes me because I was watching it and first of all Jeremy Irons is incredible in this movie god isn't he I know I disagree oh my god Emily I was trying to throw you a bone and be like oh here's a good thing It's his incredulity movie. God, isn't he? I know. I disagree. Oh, my God. Emily, I was trying to throw you a bone and be like, oh, here's a good thing. This is that Cree train argument all over again. Oh, yeah.

Jeremy Irons apparently, when somebody asked him, like, why did you do this movie, his response was like, well, I just bought a castle and I had to pay for it. It's giving him that vibe. He shows up to the Senate. He shows up. But he shows up and he's just like. I thought you meant he that vibe. He shows up to the Senate. He shows up? But he shows up and he's just like... I thought you meant he showed up, you know, acting-wise. But he shows up and he's just like really blatantly kind of a

dick. And he's just like, I don't trust this little girl with a scepter. And all the senators in like two minutes are like, actually, yeah, fuck her. It's like, whoa, man, you all were on her side. And then he was just like, I, yeah, fuck her. It's like, whoa, man, you all were on her side. And then he was just like, I think she's bad. It's like, yeah.

He's given hella Jordan Peterson vibes in this movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like, I'm going to humiliate this person in front of everyone. And to me, you know, the Adam Sandler. No, no, it's John john levitz the i'm an actor like that whole thing that's the acting style i'm seeing here like we all know that jeremy irons is an amazing actor but i feel like he was phoning it in with just this try hard like oh he was that's why i loved it thing he wasn't but i feel like there were some people that went above and beyond in their acting performances.

We got Blue Lips, which we'll get to later. Blue Lips is the star of the movie. But Jeremy Irons, I felt like, was just kind of showboating. And, of course, his showboating is way better than anyone's best of anything but for me it took me out of the moment because he's standing next to thora birch god bless her bless her heart and she is giving a very grounded ghost world performance like she comes from indie movies and like she is giving a small yeah right um but yeah it is so them next to each other acting is pretty wild and actually uh i do want to talk i i have a clip here that I think illustrates Jeremy Irons' acting style for people who have not seen the movie. This is, I think, the closest thing this movie has to like a meme associated with it. This is towards the end when the like reign of dragons is happening.

Let their blood rain from the sky. Yeah. dragons is happening yeah he is at that level for the entire movie it's true and he's like you see him in the first scene of the movie and he does kind of set the bar high with the performance but the thing is you don't really no one exists. And somehow the style in which he's doing it does not help with the bad CGI. No, not at all. It doesn't engage or like, you know, kind of make it anything. He's not really, I don't know. I think a lot of other people in this movie made the campiness work. So he is, oh yes.

If we're going to talk about the very opening though, I also want to acknowledge that in the first three minutes of the movie, we see a dragon in a dungeon. Yeah. Like, they open up. It's like they open a dungeon and there's a dragon in it. And I wanted Jeremy Irons to turn to the camera and be like, are you happy now?

Get it? Nerds, start jacking off, weirdos. It would have been great if he turned and was like, I'm so tired of these dungeons and dragons. We've got to get these dragons out of these dungeons or dungeons they're filled with dragons in dungeons so as we yes so he's in a dungeon he's creating one of the movie's many rods out of a portal they don't really explain this it's just kind of generic magic stuff um the he they he has this rod that he thinks will control dragons he opens the dungeon door a bad cgi dragon comes out i was looking for a way to describe the cgi in this movie and i think the

best way is you know how some bowling alleys will play a little cartoon when you get a strike? Oh, God. The same person made these dragons as made the bowling pins that are shaped like cavemen. You know what it gave me is like it's Pete's dragon like if he was on, I don't know, five-hour energy or something. Pete's dragon if he was in a PlayStation 1 game. Yeah, he just had a little bit more shading. Just a little. It gives me a little bit of like Hercules and Xena. Oh, yeah. Where it's like we have enough budget for three seconds of Cerberus, right?

It's like we can show a Hydra for maybe a blink of an eye, and then we have to keep moving. Now I'm really understanding why I like this movie, because I loved xena and her yeah man what's not to love no kidding okay uh so yes as we mentioned uh uh jeremy irons's minion is kind of the main bad guy for the movie jeremy irons clearly was there for just like a long weekend and got all the scenes out of the way, but most of the villaining in this movie comes from Damodar. Hey, I think it's time for Hunk Watch.

Hunk Watch. It's Hunk Watch. I'm going to go ahead and say Damodar, hunk of the movie. Dam is in his name for a reason. He's got some armor that doesn't cover his glorious guns, and he's got beautiful blue lipstick. Damodar looks amazing.

Do you know why he has blue lipstick? Please tell me. I'm so curious. I looked it up because I was like, is he like a D&D race that I'm not pinning? There's a drug in D&D called Sanish. That's like a euphoric drug, and addicts of it are identifiable

because it stains their lips blue. So it's kind of like Dune where their eyes get blue, but instead his lips got blue. Yeah, but that's not a part of the movie at all so don't feel bad if you miss it d and d fans it doesn't come up he just has blue lips yeah it just kind of looks like he went to claire's in like 2000 because for me it's the metallic part of it and the craziest thing to me about his character um which by the way some amazing practical effects makeup on him throughout his performance because i don't we'll mention that he's been given this like parasite magical parasite inside his body that is pretty that

jeremy irons put puts in there and is like he has to complete his task or else this thing will just eat him and infect him from the inside out but slowly throughout the movie you can see these like amazing broken blood vessels that are like enveloping his neck onto his bald skull it looks so cool yeah and then you have this this 25 cent lip gloss like metallic lip gloss on him and it's like but he just got back from a rave and he forgot to use the micellar water still covered in vicks vapo rub yeah but it's just like his performance is so good that you just kind of let it go you accept it and just go and that's for the rest of this conversation. I'm calling him blue lips. That's like what I'm going to call him.

But here's the wild thing, right? Because the blue lips is one of the many things. There's some stuff in like the thieves guild. There's some characters where it's like, you guys spent a lot of money to like put that costume on that person, to do that makeup job on that person. Or it's like, you guys included this detail. You included a beholder, which like multiple shots of a a beholder which must have cost you a ton of money you didn't need to do any of that but then meanwhile you're like where's the scene explaining

what just happened between the two scenes we just watched and they're like don't worry about why did the dwarf join them it yeah it is not exciting no there's three lines in the whole fucking movie i gotta yes talk about the dwarf real oh yeah so yeah should we uh we're kind of getting to that shall i speak wait i'm not we're talking about hunk watch oh sure yes okay who are the hunks um you like the dwarf okay that actor i actor, I love him. Who is he? I didn't recognize him. He's in everything. He's in Pirates of the Caribbean as one of the main,

like the goofball pirates with him and the guy from British Office are like the two. Oh, right. The guy whose eyeball keeps popping out. But he's been in a ton of shit. Tons of shit. He was also like Once Upon a Time,

the TV show, which, oh oh my god i hope everyone from that show is rich as fuck because that thing was on forever yeah but he was one of the seven dwarves i can't remember which one he is but people love him from that show but the red beard and the intensity of his he really added so much, I think, to the Wizard of Oz, like, crew, Motley crew

that you follow throughout this thing. And that red beard, I literally took a screenshot and sent it to my hairdresser and I'm like, this. This is,

put the beard on my head. This is the red we're going for from now on. And she's like, oh yeah, from the 2000s Dungeons and Dragons movie

yes of course we all know this movie yeah also that beard holds a lot of chicken scraps and I like that yeah but he's I think he's super cute I love how passionate he is I think that he's he's got it going on but my favorite has got to be our boy Riff Raff from Rocky Horror. Oh, yes. Is that him? Yes. Is that the actor? Yes. And the creator, the writer of Rocky Horror and creator. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yes. And he's in the Thieves Guild. He's like the double crossing guy. He's our main boy, which he's played this kind of slithery, kind of creepy dude character. So when you talk about Jeremy Irons kind of like giving this full performance, I think our boy here is who really gave that kind of performance. He really like, I don't know, his voice, his face, his body language. He was in it to win it. And he was engaging with every actor around him and the energy he gave

everyone he wasn't just by himself in the scene he was amongst he was part of the scene like he was amazing and he was so horny and creepy i don't know i liked it i i have to i don't know if this fits within your hunk watch please oh yeah wanted to talk about Norda, the tracker woman. Oh yeah, sure. She- Angelina Jolie lookin'. She spent so much time like looking through her eyebrows at everyone.

Yeah. And like doing, and like so little time to, basically it was so funny to me because like they wrote like a party of five, right? Where there was five members. Yes. But they forgot to write dialogue for her and the dwarf. And so there were whole scenes where it was literally, it would show Renly and Snails and What's-Her-Face talking.

And then just cut to the dwarf and the elf like, hmm. And then back to the conversation. It's so true. She, and when I saw her first, I was like, this is like very Angelina Jolie-esque, stunningly beautiful. But can I tell you on IMDb, her main profile photo is from this movie. Yeah. I mean, also worth mentioning the armor boobs they give her. Yes. They are so giant and pointy.

Also the dick root, the dick root kind of vibe that, you know what I mean? When it's like the. I don't. Does that make sense? No. What are you talking about? Okay. Okay.

Dick root? I was trying to back you up. I have no idea what you're talking about. Is that Steven Roots, brother? Stop it. it's like Okay So you know it's like The lower

Abs that are above the Hips that kind of lead to the Dick it's the dick root But like sometimes Sometimes Women have it and it's like Pink has it just as hot um okay so it's the puss root i hate that that isn't cute the clit root it's the clit root there we go so her armor had like a clit root so here's what we're gonna do we're gonna take a little break we're gonna

add clit root to the urban dictionary. Sorry. And then we're going to come back and ads we're talking about dungeons and dragons not the chris pine one the other one from 2000 anyway uh so we meet we meet the people who will become our party, our D&D RPG adventuring party, Snails and Ridley, two guys who I guess are thieves. And friends, I guess. And friends. And they're going to rob the lazily named Magic School. I didn't even think about it.

They don't call it Fitzy Fitzwilliams Academy of Prognostication and Prestidigitation. They just call it Magic School. The fucking writing in this movie is so lazy at times. And Magic School. I was just like, come on. Someone try to come up with a goofy name for this school. But to be fair, they wrote that for me. Because I don't know what's going on.

So it's Magic School. We put the dragon in a dungeon. Right. Stop asking. It's a school for magic. It's a magic school. We put the magic in a dungeon. Stop asking. It's a school for magic. It's a magic school. We put the magic in the school. Let the blood rain.

I just want to jump back to Snails and Ridley real quick because I liked the chemistry that Marlon Wayans and Justin Whalen had. Agreed. I liked the chemistry that Marlon Wayans and Justin Wayland had. Agreed. And I would say that it should have been, like, it felt like they were going to reveal, like, actually they've been married for 20 years and like kind of can't stay together.

Or they used to date, they broke up, but realized like we're better as like coworkers because they would still like snippet each other enough where friendship was not the vibe i got there was a moment where justin whalen turns to like kind of fazes away and goes i guess you could just go and then marlon wayne's was like no i'm not gonna go and i was like what is that moment supposed to denote they kind of gave me like oliver and like the artful Dodger kind of vibe, where they're like orphans who have survived through this world together,

but at any moment they could go peace out kind of thing, but they're actually very fond of each other. That's kind of the vibe. Orphans who found each other. And are now in love. Yeah. Yeah, I get that. And I will say Marlon Wayans, i think uh is the focus of our popular

segment worst hat in the movie the worst hat his hat is like a yoda costume that they took the top off it's these little flaps that look like elf ears but he's not an elf but his hair pokes out what the fuck no it gives me the vibe of like you know when you go to a a ski resort or whatever and there's those bros who only snowboard and they've got like you know it's the hat that has the little um fleece ear flaps that you could tie like this but their ears don't get cold they don't you know so they flip it up like this and tie it up top. They're too jacked on Rockstar Energy drinks to get cold. So it feels like a modern nod to X Games kind of culture to me.

Yeah, maybe that's what they were trying to do. Like make him kind of look like a cool, modern, young person. Yeah, exactly. And we just say the chances are, man i hate having to say it but chances are it's 2000 they said make him like you know he's like an adventurer but urban yeah oh my god yeah yeah because if you compare the two costumes that they put ridley in and him two guys that split whatever money they make right and ridley is dressed like a cool swashbuckling pirate, and he's dressed like he found some clothes in the garbage.

Yeah. It makes no sense. And I think the IMDb trivia let me know that Marlon Wayans insisted on a lot of improv in this movie. I think he would only do the lines as written if he got to do some improv takes. So I don't know if this line was written for him or if this was riffed. At some point in the movie, he says,

I just wanted to hit it. Meaning that ass. Oh, like have sex. Have sex, yes. Engaging coitus. Yes. The most anachronistic. And that's about our tracker

I assume Not about Ridley Although maybe it is He also was filming He was also filming What was it Requiem for a Dream Or something at the time And Scary Movie

So he only filmed Like two weeks or something On the time that he was in? Yes. And Scary Movie. Yeah, so he only filmed like two weeks or something on the D&D movie. Oh, wild. Yeah, that's the same year. These came out in the same year where he played like one of the most, I think his best role ever in the myth. And Requiem for a Dream.

Marlon Wayans is, and I think everyone in this movie is working very hard no one quite as hard as jeremy irons but i think everyone is really acting like i would say that like if you pause this movie at any moment the person's expression could be a youtube thumbnail face yes like it could just like if you pause this movie at any point and just drag the face over a Mr. Beast video, it's like a million dollar train? There's a moment, it's way later in the movie, but where Ridley turns on the mage woman and goes, well, what would you know about that mage? And I was like, what the fuck is that? Where'd that come from, man?

Every class of character is racist towards the other classes. They really play that up in this movie. Yes, as you mentioned, at the magic school, you know, the school for magic, they meet Marina, who is a maid. She can do magic only sometimes. It never really when they need it. If she has some pixie dust, like she has a bag of dust. I'm like, give me a break.

They make a deal out of like she talks about like she can do spells which once again here's the thing yes that is very dnd because in dnd you have spell slots which keeps you from being like i can i'm just gonna throw my best magic spell at them every round or like so that you wouldn't just walk around being like okay i use locate this again i use locate that again i use your check it makes you be more uh judicious about using your magic that said this was not a good way to incorporate that um which is then because then when you talk about elves and the healing right there is like racial abilities that people have where it's like some people do

have magic that you can do without expending spell slots they're called cantrips and that's the thing she should just use cantrips more which they do very well thank you thank you where cantrips you can cast as many as you can like make light as many times as you need to right you could that sounds very true blood where there was like the fairy thing where it's like you only have so much light left in you. But this bag of dirt that she's got. Yeah.

If she has the bag of dirt, she can throw a Hadouken. But if not, she is useless. But also, why do we even need her if somebody else can just have the bag of dirt? Like it just feels like is she the only one who knows how to use it? Magic school!

Magic school? The school that teaches magic! I need to get to the map. It's very important to me to talk about this map. Oh God, this fucking map. So this movie, for a while, held the world record for most MacGuffins until Rise of Skywalker in 2019.

There's so much shit to find in this movie. There's so much shit. There's a gem. There's a rod. There's a map. The gem goes in the rod. There's a guy. We need to.

There's a guy. You have to find Silas. And then Silas is like, now you have to get the gem. Okay, great. Now you have to get the rod. It's just like one after another. It's all video game side quests. But yeah, so Travis, you had a problem with the map. So here's the thing. get the rod now it's just like it's like all side it's all video game side quests but yeah so

travis you had a problem with the map so here's the thing so the okay the uh damdar blue lip shows up kills uh marina's maid teacher they run away with the map right somehow accidentally pick up a dwarf which becomes a main character movie he does not have a name as far as i know yeah he's sleeping in a pile of trash and he is mad at them when they go into his trash and then in the next scene he's just in the party he's just with them now and like and does it's so yeah i mean obviously some shit was cut out but it's like so confusing yeah so they're looking at this map and it's magic so marina and the grand mage or whatever has had a really hard time deciphering it yeah and ridley a common thief is like the symbols remind me of the locks my dad would put on

carriages and it's like okay now here's the thing in a different world in a different movie this would be really great example of like random backstory that players will throw into their characters to explain why they should get advantage on a role or explain why they're doing the check that they're doing right why it was success or just like randomly like hey here's a bit of backstory it's like nobody fucking cares but in movie writing i'm like oh that must be significant at some point down the line he can do magic or he knows about magic more than he's letting on something nope no so he and marina get sucked into the map now what you would expect to happen is you would follow them jumanji style or whatever

into this map especially when they come back out of the map and they're like a really important scene happened in there you guys yeah we talked to a we fucked in the map we fucked in the map and a wraith told us what we needed to do yeah yeah I rewound it I rewound it three times because I kept thinking I must have missed that scene somehow. No. They follow Snails and Dwarf just hanging out in the bar, and then they get back out and go, we need to get them out of the map.

At which point, Marlon Wayans waves his hands over it, and they spring forth from the map. What? And then they're like, oh, guys, you're never going to believe this. In that map, talk to a wraith. Wraith said, we got to find a guy named Silas. Silas is going to have the eye of the dragon. We get the eye of the dragon.

That's going to let us get into a cave where we get the rod. Rod lessens control of dragons. That's what we got to do, guys. Right. It is like if you give a mouse a cookie, there's just all this shit that has to happen. Wild. Yeah. By the way.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, go ahead, Emily. No, by the way, the dwarf, he does have a name. And he's one of the only people that has a first and last name. I love that. It is Elwood Gutworthy. Fuck yes. That's a good name.

See, you can name the dwarf good. Think of a good name for magic school. This is Elwood Gutworthy School for Magic. Yes, that's better. That's much better than magic school. But also snails, they never, did they ever explain why he's called snails? No, his name is just snails.

Oh God. Once again, in a different movie, it would be a play off of like when you get players together and they each name their character. And it's like somebody's like giving it, like for example, in Adventure Zone, I named my character Magnus Burnside's human fighter.

Justin named his wizard Taco. Right? It's like, cool. That's a good, it could be a joke in a better written movie. This movie was, I believe, conceived by a good, it could be a joke in a better written movie. This movie was, I believe, conceived by a 19-year-old. He got the right, this is not a joke.

I looked this up. Yeah, I think I read this too. The dude who ended up directing it got the rights to the movie at 19, and it took him 10 years to get funded. But he got the rights from D&D in 1990 to make the movie, and it took him 10 years to get funding for it got the rights from dnd in 1990 to make the movie and it took him 10 years to get funding for it and get the money together to make the movie and he ended up directing it first film he ever directed because you can't tell the people who make dungeon dragon i'm forgetting the name of it at the time kept vetoing like directors they wanted to get including francis ford coppola yeah cameron

was attached to this at one point yeah there could have been a james cameron dnd movie insane so eventually the 19 year old then 29 year old kid directed this film yeah so fucking wild it's insane totally insane and yes makes all the sense in the world if you watch this movie. So, okay. So there's a kind of obligatory scene in a fantasy pub that looks kind of cool. I guess I should say like the practical stuff in this movie looks neat. It really does. As bad as the CGI is, all the practical stuff is fun as shit.

The production design is fun. The costumes are great. It's wild though because they spent so much money. I was watching the movie thinking, whoever is doing your costumes is incredible. Yeah. Oh, also, remember you were talking about Blue Lips' armor, how his arms are. The armor itself has some design. It's really reminding me of Gary Oldman's Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Oh, yeah. Red, really cool. It looks like muscle tissue kind of thing. I thought that his costume was very like, I don't know. He was, he had such a big presence with that costume on. And the sets are great. When they go to like the elf village or whatever, I'm like, this is really good. And like the maze and the, it was so wild.

So I also looked it up. The budget for the movie was $45 million. What? For inflation now would basically be like 80 million. Jesus. And for comparison, look this up too. Galaxy Quest also was $45 billion two years earlier than this. Oh my gosh.

Oh wow. And it's so interesting because sometimes you hear people talk about movies and you're like, it had a high budget. Where was that? You didn't see any of it. It was all there, but it was like in chunks. It would be like, oh, there's 10 minutes with a huge chunk of money in it, and then 20 minutes where it looked like there was no money spent,

and then 10 minutes. So I think what it was is my guess is that the director slash producer conceiver dude conceived of these big scenes with no connective tissue for them whatsoever where he was like and then we'll go to the pub right

and then we'll go to the thieves guild and then we go through the maze and then we'll end up at like the dragon sword and then and it's like okay but how do they get there like i i um they'll walk like through a path honestly i love that get rid of the walking i don't need to watch the walking to and fro i want to get to the bar to the bar to the bar it was a lot of bars and it was like party party party the thieves guild looked like a blast i i was immediately like i would be at home in this in

this place but my favorite part in the thieves guild when i'm probably jumping the gun on a few things is they do this shot where somebody orders a drink in like a cup a goblet and they send it the camera scrolls up so there's like people carrying it up through like different levels of the bar and the fun thing is the actors are totally not keeping an eye on the camera all of them are like it's here it's like there's a side eye every time they hand the cup to somebody and i honestly find that very charming. I loved it. So they're in this bar.

It looks great. Everybody's having a good time. They need to escape. So the dwarf just yells bar fight and everyone starts fighting. I don't know if I think that is hilarious or another example of this movie just having the laziest writing. He just yells bar fight and everyone starts fighting. Okay. I don't want to make it sound like I'm defending it, but I'm going to make a statement of observation.

Please. So when you are playing D&D, right, there will be times where you're like, I'm going to initiate an action. Like you would say, I want to punch a guy and yell bar fight and start a bar fight, right? And then your DM would say, okay, roll, you know, whatever you wanted to do. If you wanted to intimidation check or you want to do whatever, right, to get this fight going.

But the harder it would be for that to happen the higher you would have to roll right okay yeah so once again in a better version this idea of like i'm gonna start a bar fight like what are you talking about there's three people in here and everybody's pretty chill yeah i'm gonna do it it's like okay and then you do it you're like he actually did it right or some reaction to acknowledge how absolutely wild this thing you're doing is and making these insane rolls and checks and stuff and like yeah i mean but you would have to i got a critical hit like well man yeah it works plus right would explain how so much of this stuff happens we were like why would rindley be able to do that all of a sudden well he got a critical success okay it happened i was

like oh okay cool roll to 20 yeah uh okay so i'll i'll take that that's a good that's a good explanation i like that's what it should be though let me be clear they don't do that like they don't highlight it i would like to add one of my favorite things about the dwarf is it's kind of established that he loves to drink like in that scene where he's like bar fight like and then later on when you see the mage is like kind of shopping in the like village area or whatever and he's like if i ain't drinking you ain't shopping and i was like yeah that's a real al bundy type of joke but i but honestly like he's like you know he loves to drink and she loves he loves i stand a body positive king when he's like listen you gotta get yourself a 250 pound tour of a woman and i'm like cool man

he was i think he was like his um intentions and um who he was as a person he didn't need much to establish his character as a man and i i kind of i like him he's a solid guy he eats a chicken so insanely yo and the beard is like it's like he saves it in that beautiful beard for later or something it's just chunks but it's in such a way that i would guess one third of the chicken makes it to his stomach like there's so much chicken on the floor there's a thigh in his beard yeah but to be also the um oil like from that chicken i bet that beard is luxurious we're not even 10 minutes into the movie i know but honestly if i were to marry someone in this movie it would be the dwarf i think the

dwarf is he's just a standby he knows who he is he doesn't falter he stands by his crew okay when they need it i wouldn't marry anyone when it's important fuck mary fuck mary kill people i'm gonna marry the dwarf marry the door i'm marrying renly i'm fucking damadar Doesn't drink when it's important. Fuck, marry, kill people in this movie. I'm going to marry the dwarf. I'm marrying Renly. I'm fucking Damodar. Oh, yeah, I am fucking Damodar. I'm fucking Damodar.

No, I'm getting fucked by Damodar. Getting dominated, railed. I'm killing the third eye, blind, purple-headed dude. Oh, my God, I forgot about the blue waffle. That's like dealing with his little ear like and sticking his tongue out a lot. I hated him so much. I called him blue waffle immediately because it was like a pussy slit

with an eye in it in the middle of his head. It was so much. It was the head bobbing for so he was doing like a giggity giggity giggity thing. I hated it so much. And in the tongue he would go like that. Travis, is that like a race from D&D? What is that guy supposed to be?

I don't recognize that at all. I don't recognize it at all. There was a hentai that just kind of swam into the movie situation. It's not a player character race. That is not one of the races that you can play as a character.

It might be in the Monster Man. It might be like something an NPC can be or something, but that is not a player that I recognize. It was like the brightest color. There was him and then a purple guy who was hanging out with him, and it was like no one else had like a vibrant skin tone or something in the entire movie it just looked out of place and a little tacky it's kind of like how laura duran's hair was like purple in the in the star wars

movies and i'm like what are we doing are people emo in star wars now i don't know what's going on i don't care people don't have purple hair in star wars it just made it look like it was i don't know what's going on here. She's in space paramour. I don't care. People don't have purple hair in Star Wars. It just made it look like it was, I don't know, brought to you by Lisa Frank or something. It was weird. I loved her hair. Just to continue mine and Emily's polar opposite,

I thought Laura Dern looked amazing in Star Wars. Listen, that hair made sense in Twin Peaks The Return, but not in Star Wars. Fair. I wanted to talk about the maze real quick. Yeah, okay. So let's talk about the maze. So they show up to the Thieves Guild, if I may.

Jordan, I don't mean to step on your toes. No, no, no, please. This is my house. Yes. Okay. They show up to the Thieves Guild. This is everyone's house. This is a public square to yell about the 2000s Dungeons and Dragons.

Here in the public bathhouse i'll talk about so um ironically or maybe it is connected they say the phrase honor among thieves so many times which is the subtitle to the new dnd movie dnd honor among thieves oh and so i was watching have you seen this emily it's so the new I did see that, but I didn't remember that that was the subtitle. Honor Among Thieves. So it's like I think the new one is nodding to this movie because they say Honor Among Thieves so fucking much. But they show up and they're like, hey, so we need this thing and you've got it. And Silas, who is the Rocky Horror Picture Show guy, who's Riff Raff, is like, okay, cool. That thing is at the end of a maze that no one's

ever gone through before so already I have questions how did it get did he make it? did you put it in the maze or did you build the headquarters around it you built your headquarters around the maze I guess that's what I accepted

it as is that they found the maze no one could get to it and so he built this thieves thing on top of it right maybe but then no one's ever made it through it right yeah radley makes it through it so fucking easily i know it's also like two and a half rooms right like i'm expecting this like labyrinth right and it's just like oh yeah but once again you could make the argument that this is i might be i'm giving this movie too much credit but a dm who's like i fucking got it i built this like very difficult puzzle room we got fire traps we got no way to get through it and then like's no way they're making it through it. And then, like, the first room, they're like, oh, yeah, so I just throw, like, my sword and wedge it in that gear. And it's like, oh, yeah, okay, yeah, that worked. And, oh, fuck.

Because, like, he makes it through. And I'm, up to this point, this is a thing that happens in movies a lot. It's one of my biggest pet peeves. biggest pet peeves when the uh uh acumen of the hero just just rapidly shifts back and forth are they good at what they do or are they bad at what they do because when we see him breaking into the school the magic school right he they're not doing a good job they're bumbling and somewhere between that and this he's the world's greatest thief yeah there's a lot of and this is this is maybe this i think is my primary gripe with the movie something that i think it it it just fumbles is that like uh no i have not played dnd i do play a lot of video game RPGs where D&D is kind of the inspiration.

And a big part of the fun of those games is assembling the party, right? Yes. You have the people with the different skills. They are less individually, but together they are a unit. They support each other. They prop each other up. Your strengths are my weaknesses etc it's it's beautiful i like that makeup your party build is very important yes right totally and you know

and this movie does have that you got the magic user you got the thieves you got uh you got boob armor woman you got the dwarf so she is a ranger oh ranger and a ranger is like distance fighting, good in nature. Yes. Your clit root. It's using a great clit root for the best travel time. But once again, she never fires a bow, right? She doesn't do anything cool. It's so disappointing.

It's so disappointing. So much of this movie is the other characters being sidelined from a force field or whatever and just Ridley doing something. And, you know, I understand that Ridley is a late 90s, early aughts hunk. He's got the hair drapes. Justin Whalen. Thank you very much. Justin Whalen thank you very much but you know again I mean

we can quibble a lot a lot of things in this movie but there's a lot of fun characters and it's like don't we want to see them work together isn't that kind of what these stories are about like people I'm almost certain the dwarf is supposed to be a barbarian like I think we see him rage

in the beginning I don't think he's just a fighter I think he's supposed supposed to be a barbarian. Like, I think we see him rage in the beginning. I don't think he's just a fighter. I think he's supposed to be like a barbarian. Okay. I don't think he ever successfully lands a blow on anybody. Right. Right? Meanwhile, by the end of the movie, Ridley is toe-to-toe with Damodar.

Yeah. Like, what is happening? Sure. And, you know, there's a little moment at the end where like everybody takes a little shot at Jeremy Irons and that's kind of the closest thing you have to like the party working together yeah and I don't know I think that's just like there's all these easter eggs and there's all these monsters and stuff that you recognize but like as I understand it, like, shouldn't a movie about an RPG be about a party coming together? Yes.

It's kind of not. It's kind of just about Ridley sometimes being good and sometimes not being good. Yeah. And when it comes to the fights, like, I think Damodar Bluelips is like the most kind of foreboding character that you're scared of. He just keeps popping up. He never quits. He's like the most kind of foreboding character that you're scared of. He just keeps popping up. He never quits. He's like the Terminator.

Yeah. And then the only fight scene that I found to be compelling was between him and Snails. Yeah. Hey, Marlon Wayans is acting his fucking ass off in that. Amazing. And amazing. And okay, so the, yeah, I'll get into this,

but there is, we do a segment about favorite quotes of the movie. Mine are, I have one from that scene and then with Damodar, those are mine, but remind me to get back to that. But the fact that they kill snails, like this movie doesn't feel like anyone should die. It even feels like Damodar should just get a boo-boo

and then someone should kiss it and then like,odar should just get a boo-boo and then someone should kiss it and then like we'll get that little parasite out we know you were just doing it because you were scared you're like cool man don't worry take this magic potion and that'll get rid of the parasite and you'll be all right grabbed it i pulled it out i want to go back to talking about bruce pain is the actor who plays blue lips damadar is i think shows us the best performance of the entire movie because he makes the cgi look good yeah like when he gets that parasite there's these two tentacles with snappy things at the ends of it which are very reminiscent of mortal combat again yes scorpions like things that come out of his hand. A little Star Trek 2 in there maybe.

Yeah. Yeah, there's, but when he puts, when Jeremy Irons' character puts it into him, it's like magic puts this, he, the fact that he had to give

that performance with nothing to work with. Right. Of like, it is one of the most amazing acting scenes I've like literally ever, ever seen. Ever. When he's talking to Marina in the Dunn,

he's like, look at me. And it's like leaning in and like the things that I was fucking scared. It was the scariest part. Yeah. He's able to make something scary. That is so, uh,

it's not very believable. Like it could have been silly with any other actor, but he does with our mage who, um, which God, the female characters in this movie are such a snooze fest. Like, they don't give them Jack Diddley to do. But our mage

is captured by Damodar at one point, and the information about the map is what he really wants. This fucking map that sucks and doesn't do anything fun. Sorry, but real quick, once they come out of the map they go in the map they get the thing for the right they don't need the map anymore he like sets the map on fire as a threat like it's the stupidest bullshit

but he wants the map or wants to know where i think where whatever the rod is and he's talking to the mage he's got got her captive, our blue lips. And she says no. But he gives her this monologue about how he's got this thing inside of him that's killing him. And you see all the blood vessels and everything on his. It is killing him.

And he gives this, please help me. I don't want to die. Like this whole. And it is such a compelling monologue. It's good as shit. And it really is amazing. And then she she's like i can't help you and then those tentacles come out of his ear and he puts them in her ear which a little hentai again a little hot turn me on a little bit and then he gets he pulls her closer and I'm like, kiss. Give it a kiss. Little kiss.

Kiss the tentacles. Don't neglect the tentacles. A kiss for Emily? Just a little kiss. Kiss each other. I do agree. I think this is like, that is easily the best scene in the movie. And the effects look good in that scene.

And he's great and she's great. Yeah, that is like, that's when the movie is like firing. I mean, that scene is actually pretty scary. I was I was like scared for her. But it was the emotional because before you were kind of sympathizing with his character because he's dying because of this like parasite. And then you are kind of like, oh, this big, strong man is scared and he's crumbling. And then you realize, nah, he's a bad dude who just happens to have a parasite. How great was the practical effect of Marlon Wayans in the quicksand carpet?

That was good. Was that a practical effect? It had to be, right? At least some of it was. It was so good. Yeah, before the Damodar fight, Marlon Wayans steps on what looks like a normal carpet, but it turns into quicksand and it does look super cool. I do think that... It was so good. Yeah, before the Damodar fight, Marlon Wayans steps on what looks like a normal carpet, but it turns into quicksand,

and it does look super cool. I do think that's... And again, like, the practical stuff in this movie does look great. Yeah. It was either a practical or really great CGI or subcombinator, because, like, especially when he pulled him out

and he was, like, crusted over with whatever it was, I was like, I believe whatever just happened happened to him. Yeah. But then there was a, where they're fighting, and I would have sworn he sliced open Damodar's neck. He pulls his dagger across his neck, and Damodar drops, and he runs out of the room.

And then Damodar comes back out and is, like, facing him on that field out there. Not a scratch, no blood, nothing on his neck. And I'm like, what? The parasite healed him. I was waiting to see like a tentacle out of like a slice on the neck or something. I was expecting that.

That would have been very cool. Wouldn't that have been so cool? Yeah. So, yeah. So that happens. Snails dies. As we mentioned. Ridley gets hurt.

They take Ridley to like an Ewok village and an elf heals him. Tom Baker. That's Tom Baker. So this is who I think is the tallest person in the movie. Tallest guy. Tallest person in the movie. Anyway, this is one of the doctors, right? Yeah, he's fourth. Fourth doctor, I think.

Fourth doctor. One of those. Good cameo. And he's very good. He's very good, too. He delivers some real bullshit. He is good. And I'm like, okay.

I believe what you just said. Oh, dragons bring magic? When a baby dragon's born, it brings magic into the world? You kill the dragons, the world withers? Sure. Yeah, that sounds great. Tom Baker, I love it. We love it.

Ridley gets a magic elf sword uh they go to kill jeremy irons can i interrupt you again you have me on the show you know what's coming no no no please i insist there's i paused it and turned to my wife and got very angry at the movie because there's a moment where ridley's laying there they've just healed him and the elf dude is like magic dragons, baby. The tallest person in the movie. And then Ridley starts to sit up and he's like, no, you must rest. Cut. Ridley standing on a balcony, like look at everything. I'm like, he just said like, there's, there's no,

there's no indication that time has passed. It's like, he was like, you must rest. No, I'm going gonna go stand on this balcony real quick right cool man what do i know i'm just the magic elf that healed you or whatever well my favorite thing about that is there's another line in that scene but there was i don't know if you ever watch comedians and cars getting coffee there's an episode with you know carl reiner and then mel brooks eventually joins and i can't remember if it was Mel or Carl who said like, what's their favorite line of every movie is you should get some rest. Yeah.

Because it feels like this. I should get some. Like, it feels like this permission where it's like, oh, I just can't wait any longer. I must get some rest. It does. And I remember when I heard the line, I was like, oh, I wish someone would say that to me. Yeah, right. But my other thing is

that line um there's the mage and she's like how did you do that like you brought you know our dude our main dude Ridley back to life and he's like um you use magic mages use magic elves are magic and I was like cool I was like are we gonna do anything like, are we going to do anything with that? No. Yeah, that's a thing where it's like, okay, well, it's her journey. She learns that she doesn't need the powder, that the force is in her the whole time. No, nothing. No, don't worry about that.

We have, yeah. So we get another council scene with Jeremy Irons and a council of men. I should say that the council, they all look like Santa at various ages. Everybody looks like Santa. Like a Santa from around the world? And in Italy, Santa looks like this. Right, yes. Yeah, so

international Santas, they decide that the Thor Birch Queen is bad. They've gone against her. Her yellow dragons who she can control start attacking. I have no idea why. For this whole movie, she's like, I'm not going to use the dragons. I'm not going to use the dragons. And then they're just

attacking. It's so wild. And it's just like, get ready. She's coming. And she's attacking them. Oh, Daenerys. Maybe it's a Game of Thrones. She just went off the fucking deep end um so jeremy irons has the uh has the rod that he wanted the rod that everyone can't stop talking

about so he summons the red dragons you just get yeah you get a real crappy cgi dragon dog fight while they're fighting they do look like dogs oh yeah they do look like dogs they i thought they look i was gonna say horses but you are right they look like scooby-doo yeah they do from the movies right where's where yeah where's the matthew lillard shaggy i i also there are a couple times when dead dragons fell from the sky and crashed to the ground, and I would have loved just one human being saying, like, what the fuck? What's going on?

I haven't been following the news. Why is this happening? There's a huge fight. Ah, damn. We should get inside. Dragon-shaped bowling pins are falling from the sky. Is that a dragon? I think it's a dog yeah yeah um really it's a magic super good fighter now yeah really he's just a really good

fighter uh everybody takes a shot at jeremy irons oh i do there was one thing i wanted to mention because once again this is i i i want to get said out loud like well i do like that so the way that ridley kills damadar uh-huh is he backstabs him which is like a especially when this movie would have come out i think it was third or fourth edition was like the rogues bread and butter okay right so that's a game mechanic yeah game mechanic of like you you were back sat like you didn't rogues don't fight face to face they'll die right so they're always like looking for advantage to attack and do a sneak attack or do now it's sneak attack but uh like backstab or assassinate or whatever so like him flipping over to get in position and backstabbing i was like

that is what he but him using a broadsword, no rogue would ever use a two handed broadsword. Like it's just- What's a broadsword? So broadsword is the sword he had where it's like, like a very wide blade, basically two handed, right? Like a rogue uses finesse weapons. That's what a rogue, so like a dagger or a rapier.

What the fuck is that? A finesse weapon is basically anything you can move quickly one handed, right wrote so like a dagger or what the fuck is that a finesse weapon is basically anything you can move quickly one-handed right so like a rapier right you can like whip it around and stuff like that a broadsword that you're having to like hold two-handed or something like that a rogue they're not adept at it they're not if they don't have any expertise in like heavy martial weapons like that low decks they have low decks they have well they have high dexless strength so you wouldn't do that um and and like there's a couple things like that where there's also like the ranger uses a two-handed broadsword at some point and like at

one point fucking snails has the broadsword like it's so wild like everybody has the same sword. Wild. So yeah. So, you know, bad guys die. Good guys win. We go to our final scene is at Snails' grave. Everybody's talking about. Which I thought he was going to pop out and be alive.

So here's what happens. That, okay. It ends on, as baffling as this movie ends it ends on the most baffling note so they leave the magic stone MacGuffin number five they leave it at Snails's grave the mage says that you can bring him back to life if you use a wish no no what she says is my favorite quote in the movie. Don't question your wish. Oh, right. Or don't question your gift.

Don't question your gift. And then instead of snails coming back, which seems like that's what's going to happen, everyone turns into red mist and flies away. Did the stone kill them? Did all of our heroes just die? What was that? There's like a celebration because everyone's equal now, which we know that that's how that works as Americans. When you say everyone's equal, everyone...

They are. It works. Yeah, everyone is. Everything's great. Well, I think one of them was just him walking away from the grave, nothing, no stone lighting up or whatever. That's what I remember. But I swear, I'm having of them was just him like walking away from the grave. Nothing. No stone lighting up or whatever. But I swear I'm having like a Mandela effect of I remember a resurrection scene happening.

Yeah, it didn't happen. But it felt like this huge lull. Yeah. And emptiness. And it didn't make sense for him to still be dead. It just didn't make sense for him to still be dead. It just didn't make sense. Where did they go? Did they go to heaven to be with him? Why did they turn into red mist?

They would go to Avernus, which is like hell. Oh, wow. Well, so Avernus is like the underworld, basically, where they could go to the astral plane, depending on how they were playing it. But the fact that it's like a red light, and turn into balls of war you know i'm like oh they're going to a furnace so i think they were operating with extreme audacity and confidence that they were going to make a sequel and that that's going to be we're going to hell to rescue snails dang

all right which would you say that because i guess there was one that came out in 2003 or 5. A direct-to-video, I think, yeah. Yeah, and then there's another one that came out in like 2015 or something. And I don't know if they're connected to the first movie, but there's some other ones. I really hope they end up free with ads on YouTube because we will watch those. And I would love it if you join us again Travis so there is an apparently a direct-to-tvd extended universe for Dungeons and Dragons uh but we want to say what we thought of this Dungeons and Dragons movie and we're

going to do that right after this break We're back. This is Free With Ads. We're going to tell you what we thought of the Dungeons & Dragons movie. But first, we want to talk about our favorite lines in the movie. I'll go first. This line comes before the Snails-Damodar fight. And I think just is one of those lines that is in the same league as magic school just the most first draft shit you could possibly think of just like you thieves always taking things that don't belong

to you always like you thieves taking things that don't belong to you. Yes, that's what a thief is. Always like you doctors, doing exams on your patients. Yeah, that's just, that's not a burn. Yeah. Now, that line to me gave me the same feeling of like, you ever like are running your hand along something and like either you have like a dry cuticle or like a loose nail and it catches on something like huh that yeah what was that right yeah it's that feeling of like i heard he said that line and i thought there's a wording of that that would have been a very good line that's not it though that's just like you baristas always

handing coffee to people yeah that's what he sure if you say like just like a thief taking things that don't belong to you okay do you know the way he says like just isn't that just like you thieves always taking the things of other peoples that aren't yours it's like that's too many words honestly if i were sna were snails, I'd be like, you noticed. Yeah. But no, it reminds me of my grandma who did. She had no screws, like all the screws were loose in her brain. But we'd go to the movie theater and she'd be like, everybody loves the movies.

And we'd be like, yes, that's right. It kind of sounds like that. My-year-old does the same thing which is just like that's a hill yeah uh-huh yeah nailed it after you have a one-night stand and they're driving you home you just like say things you see and you're like ah mcdonald's yeah because there's silence you need to fill. NCIS is coming back. So I have a very similar situation. I think it's clear that Blue Lips, Damodar had some of the best, maybe not the best dialogue, but the best delivery is what I think we're realizing. So he almost had a catchphrase and then didn't. Okay.

So I have two lines that are very similar. One of them is in that fight scene, which I think is an amazing fight scene we've decided with snails. So the first one is we've got sexy, sexy Riff Raff. And they get infiltrated by Damodar and his other mage soldiers. Be prepared for a lesson in pain. You must be joking. Yep.

So fucking arch. The pause. It's so good. You must be joking and then he doesn't even fight them. It's a patient. And then he doesn't even fight them patient right and then he doesn't even really fight them at all you get excited because you're like oh shit it's about to go down and then our boy ridley sets the map on fire and goes clear a path or else like i if you clear

a path i'll you know stop setting this map on fire and he goes do it and then you leave and then that's it but once again huge pause too and i'll put it out huge beat beat beat beat do it and also not clear communication because are you saying do it like keep burning the map right or do it that's what i thought he meant at first like oh I want to really be like oh um I will I'll do it he's definitely gonna put you in a situation ship like Damodar will he'll be like

maybe next Friday and then never say anything again right um so then he has another moment where he gets a chance to say this line again when he's about to fight snails. But you cannot be serious. Oh, what a boner killer.

Just say the same line again. They gave it like, what is this writing this writing like why wouldn't you just go you must be joking like like do it again do that line again can I give you mine oh yeah please Travis I pulled it up on my phone here so I can play it

so this is the end of the movie and you just hear a voiceover of the queen and long last I do declare that you are now the end of the movie. You just hear a voiceover of the queen. At long last, I do declare that you are now all equal. Let the celebration begin. People of Izmir

are now declared that you are all equal. No further explanation. Let the celebration begin. Everything's fine now. If I was a commoner, I'd be like, wait, hold on. A couple follow-ups. What does that mean?

What does that mean? Let's talk about healthcare. Are we sharing money equally? Am I a mage now? Can I live in there? What do you mean? What do you mean? You can't just say you're now all eagle.

It's totally fine now because you never saw like any treatment of the mages treating the so-called commoners differently from anyone else you never knew what the laws were that were maybe oppressing the the commoners like everyone seemed fine the thieves were drinking and partying maybe maybe are we saying j Jeremy Irons had a point? Jeremy Irons was right? I wanted the counselor to be like, hey,

they're not in the room. Can we all agree? I don't care about her or him. Yeah. Like, they're having some kind of beef. Yeah. I don't know what it's about.

We have presents to deliver to children. Yeah. We're every Santa. Okay. So before we go, we have to rate this movie. We are rating it

on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials because that's what you must pay to watch this movie. Travis, why don't you go first? One to ten. What do you think? So ten is like

I would put up with ten loud commercials in order to watch this. I, okay. Can I give a situational answer? You please. Yeah.

That's, that's very thoughtful. Thank you. Um, am I going to sit down and have a good time and watch it by myself? No. A one. But if it was like,

can I get some friends together? I think this is a fun, bad movie. Yeah. To watch with like people and friends and like pause and be like what the fuck was that i think that that i think that this hits a lot of those notes there's some points of it where it skews into like this isn't fun to watch but then pulls it back out with some scenes so i would say like if you're looking for a fun bad movie to watch

like a seven or eight. Okay. Nice. Yeah, I'll go and I'll let Emily, because I think you're the biggest stand in the room. I'll let you wrap it up. Ten? Wow. Okay. You're going now.

Ten, like the greatest movie. So you're three. Okay. So our last, just for context, our last movie was The Birds. I know. The classic. And what did you rate The Birds, Emily? We both gave The Birds 10.

You think this is as good as that. Equally good. In the same conversation. So you would hear someone be like, you know, we're talking about the greats. Like The Birds or Citizenane or 2013 no you guys are not understanding the context of this show explain it this show is called free with ads these are like these are movies that you have the privilege of watching for free of course the birds is a 10 out of 10 that That's a no brainer. But to watch this fun movie for free that I'm not gonna, there's no prestige network that's going to be pushing this thing. It's a gem that is super fun

that I can, I can be by myself and like have a good time folding laundry, eating pizza, getting real stoned and like feel good at the end there's not like there's not a lot of stressful things it's just fun and i don't know it makes me feel like i'm 12 again like everything about it is what i want from a movie i got for free and had to watch some you know shitty tahoe commercials for i don't know i love it okay it's for you it's a tippy it's a 10 in a different way than the birds i will say you make an excellent point by the way because like one of the things i do very much miss from being a kid and this movie would have fallen into this when it was like uh you had your like comedy central cbs tnt where they're like we

have evening programming but basically like until like 6 p.m we just kind of showed like zapped or we showed like movie like we showed these like yeah right and like i watched those so like i there were so many stupid stupid comedies that i remember watching being like there's no reason I should know what this movie is at this point. But I do, because it was like on TBS at one point, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I'll go ahead and give my ranking. I think I kind of, I sit in the middle.

I think this is a solid five for me. It's a five. I think you both make great points. Travis, I think you are right that I think this has a lot of fun, good, bad. I think this has a lot of fun, good, bad. I think this has a lot of fun, good, bad in it. And I think if you do have a group that you play D&D with, you should watch this with them,

get fucked up and goof on it. Because it works. Emily, I do agree with you in many ways that I do think this movie does a lot of stuff pretty well. I think that, as we talked about, the practical stuff is really, really cool. It looks great. That interrogation scene, the effects look awesome.

Some standout performances. Damodar, of course. And, you know, depending on what you think about Jeremy Irons, he's going for it. It's fun. You could make a gif out of every single thing that he does in it. True, very true. You would could make a gif out of every single thing that he does in it true very true you don't you would only need those gifts to communicate for the rest of your

life um yeah i i think the the infuriating stuff is is pretty infuriating um so you know like watching it alone as i think travis mentioned it can be a little frustrating but i do think this is this is a lot of fun and i'll say i had a blast talking about it with y'all. Yay, me too. This was a total blast. Thank you. So yeah, before we wrap it up, let's talk about some stuff we've got going on.

Travis, I'll go ahead and start one of your plugs for you. I know that there is a new Adventure Zone graphic novel forthcoming that you could pre-order now if you'd like yeah uh if you go to macroy.family you can find all our stuff there but uh you can pre-order the suffering game now um we're we're i think we got what two more come i don't know but uh the suffering game is each each one we make we say it's the best one yet and i know that that is something people say like bloviate on and congratulate themselves but wouldn't it be wild if it was like nah this one's worse than the last four we got worse we keep getting better at it and i think i think it's very very good um so if

you like dungeons and dragons and want good versions check out uh the adventure zone graphic novel or the adventure podcast right now we are doing the adventure zone versus dracula uh where griffin is running the game and i am playing an appalachian mountain man monster hunter named crawford mutner um dad is playing i'm in yeah it's so good it's honestly maybe the most fun we've had uh doing the show uh justin is playing a frankenstein woman who is the body of a like 25 year old arena barbarian with the head of a 70 year old woman. So poor things. Yeah. And I haven't seen it yet. And dad is playing a really great like monk brother Philo. And there is just, it's funny and dumb and silly. It's really,

really great. Gorgeous. Emily, what do you got going on? So I meals of history is back on mythical kitchen with myself and Josh chef Josh. We already have at the moment of this recording, we already have our newest episode,

the Titanic third class menu. And if it hasn't come out already, thank you. We've done the first class. Now it's third class. And we're about to do, if it already hasn't come out, banned space food from, there was a trip where astronauts brought food they weren't supposed to bring and so we are making that food and then they'll there will be more to come yes uh mythical kitchen available now on the youtube near you for free uh yeah and fewer ads you will have to watch fewer ads during maybe what's shorter anyway so they can insert fewer ads i You will have to watch fewer ads during the year. Maybe. Well, it's shorter anyway, so they can insert fewer ads.

I think that's what I was getting at. Yeah. So I will encourage folks again to preorder Youth Group, the new graphic novel, from myself and Bowen McGurdy. It's about a bunch of teenage exorcists. It's a YA horror comedy, Buffy vibes, Shaun of the Dead vibes. Coming soon to a bookstore near you you can preorder it anywhere you get your books and if you want

a signed personalized copy you can preorder that through BookSoup a great indie bookstore here in LA BookSoup I'll write anything you dang well please in that book just as long as it's PG-13 because the book is a YA book after all so keep it

please make merch for youth group okay please can you please make a little upside down friendship necklace cross where it's like you know i mean those little things that are in like a 25 cent i'll make one i will learn to smelt so we can make merch i'll get a shrinky d Dink machine and I'll work on it. Done, done. Thank you. Yes. No problem.

So get the book, get the Shrinky Dinks. Yes. All your youth group stuff, bits.ly slash youth group book. You can take a look at it there. I think that's all. Thanks to our producer,

Matt Lieb, Travis McElroy. Thanks again for having us talk to you. I said, thanks for having us, but we are the ones who have you. You're welcome. I mixed it up, and that's fine. Thank you for having us talk to you too, Travis.

Yeah, thanks for having us talk to you. Okay, that's it for Free With Abs. Tune in next week when our movie will be the very sexy, the very cocaine-laden House of Versace. Bye. Bye. Bye. cocaine-laden House of Versace. Bye! Bye! Bye! Maximum Fun.

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