Free With Ads - Jupiter Ascending

Episode Date: June 25, 2024

Emily and Jordan watched the Lana and Lilly Wachowski film Jupiter Ascending, a sci-fi movie about bees recognizing royalty and about other things, I'm sure. It stars Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis, and Eddie Redmayne and was chosen by our contest winner Carrie.Matt, Emily, and Jordan recently did a roast of Rhett and Link which you can watch by joining Mythical Society right now!Jordan is heavily hinting that he will be at San Diego Comic Con this year, so if you're planning on going maybe clear your schedule on the afternoon of July 26th. I'm sure there will be more details to come.Make sure to join Maximum Fun so you can listen to our newest bonus episode about Street Fighter The Animated Series.Give us 5 stars and a review on the Apple Podcast Store! DO IT NOW!Visit Emily's ETSY store right now and buy some stuff!

🎵 It's free with ads. The podcast that asks the question, why pay Disney Plus eight bucks a month for a bunch of Star Wars movies when you can go on YouTube for free and watch a space opera featuring a sexy dog man that makes Chewbacca look like a real butter face. I'm Jordan Loritz.

And I'm Emily Fleming. Today's movie was chosen by listener Carrie Ellen Sager. I'm Jordan Loritz. while exposition is dumped on her. Before we get into this movie, which is, as of this recording, streaming free with ads, we want to talk about some other stuff we saw for free on the internet this week. But first, I wanted to say, hey, welcome back from tour, Emily. Yay! Thank you. Welcome back.

And it's great to see you guys. We haven't taped for a couple of weeks because of the aforementioned tour, and I missed y'all. I missed y'all in our little movies. I missed you guys, too. Same. And here we are'all. I missed y'all in our little movies. I missed you guys too. And here we are. Here we are, gabbling it up again. The gang, the boys are back in town.

Did you watch any free movies while you were on the tour bus? Well, I wish that I could remember the name of this fan. I met a fan at one of the shows who is a fan of our podcast as well as Mythical, who gave me a DVD copy of Rubber. Okay. This is the tire horror movie about a sentient tire? Which it's really like, and I'd never watched it. We watched it on the bus, the whole crew.

Which had tires. And Rhett and Link loved it. Like, loved it. Like, we were allett and Link loved it. Like, loved it. Like, we were all, and Stevie loved it. We were all watching it. We were just like, this is not what I thought it was going to be. It's like a slow kind of build. And there's all this kind of meta commentary with, like, people who are supposedly representing the audience.

Cool. It's such a good movie. And I guess, I don't know if it's still free with ads on youtube right now if it is i think we should do it soon because it i loved it i think it's definitely in my top 50 movies of all time at this point okay it's so good it's so good um and it is and it is about a sentient tire i'm not wrong it's about a sentient tire. I'm not wrong about that. It's about a sentient tire. But unlike Jupiter Ascending, it does something that Jupiter Ascending tried to do. Jupiter Ascending had a little line that it's not my favorite quote. So I'll go ahead and say it where it was just like, people do things and sometimes there's

no reason. There's like a line in Jupiter Ascending that says that. And I'm like, you're fucking telling me. And then. telling me and then it's the most coping ass line in that movie it's like sometimes there is a reason it's called writing like ladies come on sisters come on wachowski sisters let's go you attempt a reason yeah jesus christ but in rubber there was a line like that was like people do so sometimes there doesn't have to be a reason and it was talking about like don't think too hard about this movie is what rubber was trying to do it was like just don't think too hard just go on the ride

because rubber is so nonsensical and it you don't it doesn't it feels like david lynch would love rubber a lot um So there was a line. When I heard the line of Jupiter Ascending, I was like, it made me think about Rubber and wish I was watching Rubber instead of Jupiter Ascending. We didn't watch Rubber. But yeah, before we get to Jupiter Ascending, let's talk about the other internet gunk we saw this week.

Emily, you want to go first? So I saw this video. I love seeing stuff on the internet that kind of confronts weird, I don't know, scientific facts or lies we were told as kids. And I didn't know if this was just a Southern kid thing or if y'all experienced it too, but it's about how blood looks when it's inside your body all of my sixth graders think that blood is blue and then you get cut or it

hits oxygen that's when it turns red i googled it it's never blue why do i have this information please please tell me i'm not the only one that was taught this so this lady was like why do all my fifth graders think that their blood is blue and i was like yeah i was told that your blood on the inside of your body is blue but you wouldn't know it because the minute you it hits oxygen it's red so it's like i so i feel like at one point we were all yeah i've also heard this that's like yeah one of the famous like okay OK, Pop Rocks and Coke will kill you. There's a chemical in the public pool that will detect pee. And turn your pee blue in the pool. Exactly.

A lot of blue based lies for children. Yeah. It's true. There's also a lie I was watching on there that said something about how your period stops when you get in water. Like when you get in a pool your period just stops no it doesn't raging waters yeah I know

that first fucking hand I definitely related to the myth that you can't get pregnant in the hot tub like does it seem like maybe these are these myths were concocted around the same time i wonder if these were all just concocted by the same dude right whose name is like josh because he was i was gonna say gerald for some reason i don't know why gerald came josh it's a gerald could

be a doug might be a doug a doug oh it's a fucking Doug. Yes, for sure. Oh, and there's also just, I also want to shout out, I have an uncle that works at Nintendo and there's a code where you can see Mario's dick. Another just great kid thing. I don't think I've ever heard the code where you can see Mario's dick.

Is that true? Is that true? I don't think so, but that's just another little kid lie. And everyone had an uncle or a friend. My dad has a friend that works at Nintendo. That was always where that came from. And then it was also that whole lie about how the Little Mermaid cover, the castle is covered in dicks.

That's not a lie. That's true. I don't think so. I don't think. I think they just look like. In the original cover, I had the VHS. There is like one like legit veiny dick in there. It's, if you Google it, you'll see the dick.

Like at first I was like, nah, those are just like, you know, towers for like some sort of underwater castle. Yeah. It just looks like sand. But in the middle of it, there is a dick. Straight up, veiny. Circumcised? Circumcised. Nice head.

How's the girth, Matt? How's the girth? Like a good girth. I don't know. I would say like a respectable girth. Not too wide, not too thin. Okay. It is pretty dicky, but it's like i'm not seeing veins very sparkly though

if it had some nuts i'd really be convinced but i don't yeah matt where's the nuts where's the nuts and then there's the like you know that the In the Lion King There's like sand That dusts up Sand that spells sex Yeah Yeah And there is like a Take off your clothes

That is That's also in there That is true In Aladdin I have In Aladdin I've turned it up I've listened to it

In Aladdin Yeah Yeah Okay all All Disney rumors are true We're saying Yes But

Beauty and the Beast The Beast told me to kill my parents What? Sure Did you guys not You guys didn't know that one? No Yeah Rumors are true, we're saying. Beauty and the Beast told me to kill my parents. What? Did you guys not, you guys didn't know that one? No. Yeah, it says. I don't need a beast to tell me to kill my parents. Kill them, they lied.

And you can jack off to Flubber. Absolutely. I bet you could jack off with Flubber. Flubber would have been great. God, I wish. That's what Flubber would have been great God I wish That's what Flubber should have been for But yeah so your blood is red It's just that's the way it is y'all

I think that Listen Magic School Bus We should have known from that She's in the human body Those platelets red She told the truth Miss Frizzle Miss Frizzle didn't lie to us

The kids on the program They're the liars So what do you got Jordan? I got uh i have a one-year-old tiktok i want to play uh not on tiktok this is not a place i go a lot but i do occasionally get the good shit sent to me and i appreciate everybody in my life that keeps me keep keeps me young by sending me tiktoks um yeah i i imagine if you're a heavy TikTok user, you've seen this video before, but it's so, so funny.

It's so, so good. I just wanted to play it for everybody who might not have the app. I'll set the scene a little bit. This is from a TikTok user, HeyCousin, H-E-Y-Y, cousin with two Ns. She is on the couch with her mom. They're both just scrolling on their

phones they're like covered in blankets uh their dog is also there the dog is wearing jammies not important to the clip but it's just kind of a funny little what's going on in this video type thing anyway dogs wearing jammies so the tiktok user is decided she's going to trick her mom by telling her mom that Jesus is back. Okay. Jesus was seen. Where, Rachel? Oh, my God. Show me to me, please.

Send it to me, Rachel. It was literally seen in Ohio. Please send it to me. Oh, no, please. Oh, my God. This is crazy. Okay, Rachel, which one? Send it to me, baby.

Which one? Is it on tiktok mommy i'm kidding don't do that show me to me please show me to me please where are they from? I don't know. And the mom immediately is on the verge of tears hearing that Jesus was seen. I have a feeling. And that's all it took for the mom to believe it.

God damn it. Where do you think this is? I need to take a look real quick. Oh, it's a place beyond time, guys. It's in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. Well, it kind of, from the thumbnail situation, it kind of looked like a beach house type thing in Florida. It might be.

It might be Florida. Wherever it is, it's the Burbs. Oh, no. They got a wintry blanket. Oh, I love this lady immediately. I know. This lady definitely served me cinnamon toast at a sleepover. Oh, I was going to say it's a pina.

At some point. And that little dog. The dog is wearing jammies. It's great. And I love- Oh, she's got an accent like this. I like this lady. There's also-

There's an element of this of like- It's kind of dark because if the mom is is is that much of a believer to where she believes that jesus is back to the mom this is the start of the apocalypse like the apocalypse is beginning show me to me please in her voice i think it's kind of like because when i was a kid i don't we're all similar age um the whole like they saw the virgin mary in a toaster strudel like there was sure sure yeah a lot of virgin mary sightings yeah yeah well there was like in nashville we had the mother theresa cinnamon bun oh okay and that was a big deal bongo java which was this like it's a very famous

coffee shop kind of chain in nashville they still have it under glass preserved like it was in the news like international news people were like mother theresa is speaking to us through this fucking cinnamon roll so we had the mother theresa cinnamon roll it's a big deal but people really think that it was a time in the 90s where people thought if you saw something religious through food, it was a message. Right. And it was like people got really freaked out. Because that coffee shop had people with cancer showing up wanting to lick the cinnamon roll. Yeah.

I think everyone thought it was funny. Like, I don't know. But it was people loved it. And I remember as a kid going to breakfast there sometimes with my family going, where's the cinnamon roll? Where's the cinnamon roll? Like we all wanted to look at it because it was like it was a big deal. But I think that that's kind of that.

Well, oh, where did you see it? You just believe it immediately. It's like a thing. These sightings and stuff. People just I don't know. I think they're Catholic probably. Well, check your check your food before you take a bite. There could be a religious icon on there.

Hey, let's talk about Jupiter Ascending. We mentioned at the top this movie was suggested to us by a listener. She pre-ordered my upcoming graphic novel, Youth Group, sent us the receipt. So she won our random drawing to pick the movie. And she ordered, oh, I should say she ordered from her local indie bookstore, Pegasus Bookstore. Pegasus Bookstore there in Berkeley, California. You can order a youth group

there if you want to. They ship anywhere. We're going to throw a link to Pegasus Bookstore in the comments. So if you want to order a youth group from them, you can. And I also asked for a statement. So this is Carrie's statement as to why she picked Jupiter Ascending. Okay.

Thank you to the Free With Ads crew and or Fate for choosing me to select a movie, and I can't wait to hear your thoughts on Jupiter Ascending, a movie I do sincerely love. While it may not have pacing or internal consistency, or even people who seem to be acting in the same genre of film, every weird decision from the costumes to the scenery chewing to I love dogs to be wizard Sean Bean speaks to something deep and primal in my soul. I hope you all find something to enjoy in it. And if you don't, well, Rotten Tomatoes says you're in the majority. So thank you, Carrie. You don't seem to be under any illusions about the content of this movie, under any illusions about the content of this movie.

Yeah. Which I don't know if we enjoyed watching, but it sure will make a hoot of an episode. I gotta say, our dear, our dear, dear listener, Carrie, thank you for suggesting this. I can't wait to talk about it. I think it's a great recommendation. I did not have a great time,

but there were moments that were fun. Yes, absolutely. So yeah, let's, let's get to it. Actually, before we get to it, I actually have a statement time, but there were moments that were fun. Yes, absolutely. So, yeah, let's get to it. Actually, before we get to it, I actually have a statement I would like to say. Yes. Boys go to Jupiter Ascending to get more stupider ascending. Girls go to John Carpenter's Ghost of Mars to get more John Carpenter's Ghosts of Candy Bars. Okay, now that that's out of the way.

I have a thing. Thank you. Oh, sure. You have a thing? I was like, while I was watching it, I was jupiter ascending more like jupiter never ending these are all these are all wonderful statements i'm glad we all thank you everybody's applauding right now everyone's i want to do one yeah you want to do one what you got oh it fucking sucked but on their feet i'm sorry on their feet oh my god they're going wild okay so it starts out with voiceover that we never get to get in the movie the old top of the movie voiceover that doesn't come back uh it is belongs to jupiter jones uh starts pretty strong i think

she's her her voiceover is pretty intriguing. She's saying, technically, I'm an alien, and you're going to learn my story. Her parents meet on some sort of science doc. He's obsessed with the sky, and she's someone else. The guy loves Jupiter. They meet. They fall in love. The guy loves Jupiter.

They meet. They fall in love. And while she is pregnant, while Jupiter's mom is pregnant, random thieves break in and shoot him and steal his telescope. The telescope will come back. I know. This was what was confusing to me because I was like, oh, she's so important. And she comes from, we later find out she comes from royalty. And so it feels like a hit job or something, but it's not. It's just random thieves.

This is so weird weird i think so yeah i think that the killing of the dad doesn't have anything to do with with the bigger galactic story that happened so amazing and i i did like the opening i thought the love story was cute i thought the parents had great chemistry they were cool he put vaseline on her pregnant belly i was like i'm gonna die alone. I was like, this is so romantic. It is. It's really sweet. It's really sweet. And then her birth is kind of cool. So it's in Russia.

And her mom gives birth to her on like a barge in the middle of the ocean. So in her voiceover, she's like, well, technically I'm an immigrant. I'm an illegal immigrant without a country. Kind of adds to some of the commentary here on our country's treatment of... Anyway. Well, the thing is Mila Kunis, her family, they are Ukrainian. Okay. Her family immigrated.

She was born there. So she was, her family immigrated. She was born there. So there was like a, she had like a pretty strong voice about the war and the treatment of people in Ukraine. Okay, so we have this scene. This is Jupiter Jones and she becomes a cleaning lady, just a simple cleaning lady, unaware.

The hottest cleaning lady you've ever seen. Yeah. Perfect eye shadow, perfect hair, everything. I know, it's one of those things where it's like she's like i hate my life and it's like well be a model you could just stop cleaning toilets and be a model um have you guys seen that movie 30 days of night yes with josh hartnett with josh hartnett uh the the like female lead of that is I don't know the actor's name. She is so incredibly hot and she's a meter reader.

I'm like, stop reading meters. Become a model. Become a swimsuit model and fly all over the world. Yeah, it's weird. I will say this though. I really like the woman who plays her mother. I think she's just so, I don't know, womanly and beautiful. I thought she was really beautiful.

And I thought the guy played her. Also, is it too early for Hunkwatch? No, I had a hunk in mind. But let's do it. Let's do it now. Hunkwatch. Yay. It's Hunkwatch.

Jupiter's dad. Oh, yeah. Jupiter's dad, pretty hunky. Putting Vaseline on preggo bellies. Yes, please. So hot dad, pretty hunky. Putting Vaseline on preggo bellies. Yes, please. So hot. And appreciating the cosmos. Yes, he just had this.

I don't know. He looks very familiar. I don't know if he's been in anything, but I just found him to be very sexy. And when he died, I hated it. I was so sad that he died because he was so hot. I know. Where is the non-sci-fi story about Jupiter's parents' courtship?

I think that's the movie we all want to see. The rom-com about her parents and there's no space involved ever. I know. I really like it. I like the woman who plays her mom. I think she's... I really...

Her crying, that emotional scene where he dies and everything. Great. That was the best acting of the movie. It's downhill from there. It's all downhill from there. It's all downhill hill from there. It is. Yep.

Pretty much. You guys are talking about the only part that you enjoyed. Yep. I enjoyed the opening and I was like, okay, cool. This movie might slap. I like this.

Um, my hunk watch for this, uh, later on in the movie, we'll meet Stinger played by Sean Bean. Always love to see Sean Bean pop up in something. You are right. He's great.

Love that accent. Love that drawl that he's got. And he doesn't die in this, which is nice. That's kind of a meme is Sean Bean always dies in things. But stays alive to the end of this movie. I'm sure he wished that he died in this one. Of all the things to not die in. You kill me in the first scene.

This movie would have been a like a hit had he died i think can i can i kill can i get killed by my own bees please so all right so the movie careening downhill faster and faster every second uh we meet uh we meet the oh gosh what are these people called hold on sorry sorry sorry uh we meet the entitled they are space rich people there's three of them they're siblings one of them's eddie redmayne the other two are played by other actors they are these fancy they're these fancy aliens who and they're kind of looking around a ruined planet, and they're talking about the harvest that just took place. Oh, the harvest.

And that's foreshadowing. We'll learn what that means later. One of them takes a goo bath and gets young. So they get in these nude goo baths and emerge more youthful. And throughout the movie, they get kind of bad old age makeup, but then they go in the goo bath and they come out young. So bad. Yeah, the old age makeup is pretty crummy.

Not just the old age makeup, all of it. The fucking elf ears on Channing Tatum, who we're about to meet in this movie. He's a lycan, which is a werewolf. So why the fuck do you have bat ears? You are not a bat man. You are a dog man. So just to talk about how goofy all of the sci-fi gunk in this movie, he's not a lycan.

He's a lycan-ton. So everything's just like a little off. It's so fucking. He's a lycanthin. So everything's just like a little off. It's so fucking, and then there's this one poor woman who's so beautiful and she's got Alf's ears at one point.

And every time you look at her, you're like, what the fuck? How am I supposed to take this seriously? I know, she's got, yeah, she's got nine piercings in her crazy Alf ears. So yeah, it's fucking crazy. So yeah, so we have those characters. We learn that they're looking

for someone named katherine dunleavy we go back to jupiter uh she's like helping a rich lady pick out an outfit and these aliens come in and she gets a picture of one of the aliens they're kind of like very traditional like big head looking aliens i think this movie has a thing where it wants to like explain all of our alien mythology with this mythology. They like make crop circles later. It wants to do so many things. It wants to do many things.

This movie has many goals and it achieves maybe one or two of them. So yeah, so these are very traditional looking aliens that are attacking the rich lady. They attack Jupiter Jones and then she kind of passes out and everything resets. Was it all a dream? What happened? looking aliens they're attacking the rich lady uh they attack uh they attack jupiter jones and then she kind of passes out and everything resets was it all a dream what happened um okay and we

learned that she is uh selling her eggs she is selling her woman's eggs what the fuck was this i don't understand like selling the eggs thing so i so she has a cousin who's like i need money i'll get ten thousand dollars from you selling your eggs and you'll get five thousand and she's like why do i get less and he goes listen i'm this is america like does some kind of jargon about the market it's i think like this the comedy in this movie just eats shit. It really does. I think that's supposed to be funny where he's telling her to sell her eggs and he's getting a lot of the money. Anyways. Well, I just need to point out something.

And I'm not usually this person when it comes to like actors. But he has a very clear Australian accent. comes in yeah multiple times while i'm watching this and and it's just like it just threw me off because i'm like he's not he's supposed to be like part of this russian family is am i wrong about that like so the the random occasional like crikeyness of his voice is just like just this whole movie. It felt like I was having a stroke because I just could not follow certain parts of it. And it just someone's Australian. There's a B guy. I don't know.

Also, the the the selling your eggs thing, selling your eggs is like a huge process. You have to like inject yourself with hormones for like a year before you. But she's just like, I'm here. Put me in the gown. Like rip me open. Let's go for it. Like it was so weird. She doesn't even say why.

Like why this is important and why she would ever even consider this. There's a lot of things she considers and just does. would ever even consider this there's a lot of things she considers and just does and she wants the money she wants the money to rebuy her dad's telescope the one that was stolen in the random so she sees it on ebay yeah and she gives the photo of this telescope on ebay the nastiest i'm gonna fuck you look and it's she like looks at this telescope like she's like she's gonna jack off to the moon yeah i'm gonna use you to see the moon and it's interesting because mila kunis is able to have chemistry with this photo of a telescope. Guess who she doesn't have chemistry with? Tell us, Shannon.

Shannon Tatum, the lead of this movie. And these are two objectively very sexy people. And they... Not a lick of chemistry. And they look at each other like they just got in a car accident and they're trading insurance. I thought they were looking at each

other like they they thought they were done with the pizza so they threw it away but then they thought about it again yeah and they kind of they kind of looked in there and they went am i gonna do it yeah fine let's do it like it's in the box out of the box the box was in the trash but the box it's pepperoni up you know it's not pepperoni down um but yeah no there was that but also okay this is gonna be kind of freaky and maybe we should cut this out but the whole scene where she's like you know being flipped around in her little gown and stuff yeah so that's why am i horny why am i horny you i don't know you you tell us why was i horny during that there were so many things in this movie where i was like

why am i horny at this this is weird i don't like it very weirdly horny movie and you could tell it's very horny yeah yeah so the that is the next scene is she she goes to the like clinic to get her eggs removed and yes she's had no preparation strap her down and then give her the gas and then they like make her float up and like flip her over and i was just like i want all of this so the people please how could someone do this to me now yes let emily know if you have access to some sort of anti-gravity stirrups you want to strap me up and then turn me over? Sure. Free with ads at MaximumFun.org. Extract my eggs, daddy. Also, please take all of my fucking eggs.

I am not using them, nor do I want them. I don't want them. Get them out. Who wants to make an omelet? Emily, you could get a telescope for those. Oh, fuck, yeah. I think the cousin buys an Xbox later, so you can get an Xbox and a telescope.

So, yeah. So the people at the clinic turn out to be these aliens in disguise. They're going to, like, take her DNA and then kill her. That's when Channing Tatum comes in. He's a wolf guy, a Lycanton. He fights them all. He has a lot of stuff he has a laser shield he has and then he has these like anti-gravity roller blades and these are like a key thing in the movie there's so many

scenes where he's skating around dorky yes it's like what are those what are those little shoes that have the wheels on them? Heelys. Wheelies. They're like space wheelies. Yeah, right. Somebody involved in the movie, their nine-year-old just got Heelys, and they're like, we gotta put these in the movie.

My kid loves these. Yep. And yeah, so that is just such a miscalculation. There's so many scenes of him zipping around on these anti-gravity roller blades and it looks so dorky he looks like such a dork and to make channing tatum look like a dork how do you do that this is like one of the coolest men in modern movies but he just looks like such a doofus he looks like just yeah he looks like a kid playing street hockey who has like been put in front of a green screen and made to look like he's flying around chicago he reminds me of the goth dude that

thinks just because he has the long hair and the makeup and stuff yeah that he's pulling off the brooding right whatever and it's like you still smell like um old chips. Like you're not hot. Right. They put those ears on him. Here's the thing. You can't put sexy elf ear stuff on every dude and make them hot. Sure.

Like Legolas, he has this androgyny. We all love Legolas. He's beautiful. He's very angelic looking. Channing Tatum is a a brick house like he is he's like a block of cheddar cheese like he's not a slight gorgeous elven looking thing it's like if you put those ears on vin diesel they would also look stupid as fuck sure you can't just put this shit on everybody you gotta like yeah he's got heavy eye makeup

on too he's got heavy like heavy eyeliner um and that's and that and that's interesting and that's something i wanted to talk about it's like they don't they don't understand what's fun about channing tatum to make him this like serious brooding guy like we're far enough along into this guy's career to where we know where we like him right he wants yeah we want him to be a little bit of a goofball we want him to be a himbo we want him to dance guy doesn't dance in this thing he's got anti-gravity boots well he did do some fun see a little magic mike in the sky right well i think that they used that knowledge to make his like acrobatic kind of fight scenes look cool.

Yeah, you're right. You like little flippy things. He does. I remember going, oh, that's why they cast him because they went, oh, he could do some acrobatic kind of shit. Yeah. And then I think they did do a lot of the fighting. Practically, I read and, you know, the Wachowskis, they did the Matrix like they respect. Yes.

Like hand to hand kung fu stuff. And some of it does look cool but unfortunately so much of it revolves around these anti-gravity rollerblades this movie makes me think they didn't do the matrix i know like i know my cousin mark has said for years that he actually wrote the matrix but that it was stolen um wait he was the blue blood guy too wasn't he yeah he also told me he has i know this is an actual guy do you actually know this guy no well i have a cousin i mean i think everyone has a cousin named mark who said they wrote the matrix there's a lot of people who said they wrote

the matrix and are crazy and have weird online followings yeah so he doesn't have a weird online following i think he's only told like me and my family um and uh i i think he clarified at some point it was like well i had the general idea written down right right okay okay um but like now i'm like one of those people isn't lying you see jupiter ascending you just see like a complete lack of understanding of what makes a mythology cool or like kind of a sci-fi genre, like lore cool, like how you build, do world building. And you're just like, it just, they were able to do it so like sleekly in the matrix. And with this, it was just so ham-fisted and weirdly like, like a lot of synergistic alien shit where you're just like you're you're

stealing from multiple different things and it just doesn't work right i feel like that with this movie it felt like you so you did the matrix it was dark brooding serious and they wanted to do kind of a more fantasy like maybe um definitely is a vanity project Does it just have to be about someone wanting themselves to be seen or could it be about it being more fashion forward, more aesthetically pleasing? Because it was definitely a more feminine movie. I'll say that. Like, yeah, I loved the way it looked. It looked cool. The whole movie looked great, but it didn't.

The look didn't help with the story so much. So, yeah. So Channing Tatum rescues her from the aliens. But it didn't, the look didn't help with the story so much. Yeah, so Channing Tatum rescues her from the aliens. There's this big kind of anti-gravity chase through Chicago. They destroy a bunch of buildings, but then we learn that there's these battles all the time and humanity just gets their minds wiped so they forget that these battles happen and no one knows that there's aliens. And that kind of sets sets in motion a pattern that continues to the end of the movie here's how this movie goes big action scene

someone explains shit to mila kunis big action scene someone explains shit to mila kunis and continue until the end of the movie um and and yeah and i think that like i did read that this was supposed to be an attempt to have an action movie that starred a more like feminine main character right and she's supposed to like be a little more empathetic she's supposed to be a little more like emotionally intelligent but like this scene is just dudes explaining space shit to her while she kind of politely nods um yeah if that was the goal i i i do not know that that that was achieved i kind of wish they didn't explain things i kind of wish they were like the bees and everything it was just like but let's not explain yeah i know i

just leave it alone so yeah so they go you know actually i want to play a little bit of this exposition just to give people a sense of like what this movie is like when it's not a crazy CGI battle. Channing Tatum takes her to his buddy Sean Bean's house. Sean Bean plays Stinger. He is a, they're both like war veterans turned mercenaries. We learned that they used to have wings, but the wings got clipped because Channing Tatum tried to bite someone, which is like kind of funny. He tried to bite someone, which is kind of funny. He tried to bite someone, so they took away his wings, and now they're like these mercenaries. And so we just get exposition dump after exposition dump.

And this is from Sean Bean, who says this beautifully, but I think this gives you a good idea of what the tone of this movie is. So you've been taught that the birthplace of the human race is Earth, but it's not. It's actually a planet in the cannabulum system called Orus, a little over a billion of your years ago. Your planet was discovered during what is commonly called the Great Expansion.

At the time, Earth was inhabited by a branch species of Sorosapien, a dangerous human predator called a Sargon. Oh, yes. That's a bo-ba-da-bo-da. Yeah, so you can, that's it. That's just, I mean, again, beautiful voice, a beautiful man. Yorkshire. Oh, interesting. Okay.

That's what his accent is from. It's gorgeous, but yeah, it's just so much sci-fi mumbo jumbo. Apparently the dinosaurs used to rule earth and the dinosaurs were killed by the um what do you call them the uh entitled anyway i like saurus saurus sapiens saurus apia yeah so there's a there's a race of like dinosaur dragon men that fight a lot in this movie they're kind of cool that look like they're from the mario like the super mario brothers movie from the 90s. You're right. You're totally right.

Yeah, this movie, like, if I was to watch this movie without having seen, like, The Matrix or anything else the Wachowskis did, I would guess that this filmmaker's favorite movies are the Mario movie from the 90s and the Star Wars prequels. Yeah, and they're one of those. Yeah, that's what this is a mashup of.

It's, like, all of the, like, all of the, like, gunk of the Star Wars prequels yeah yeah that's what this is a mash-up of it's like all of the like all of the like gunk of the star wars prequels but there was also a little bit of harry potter in there like yeah there's a little harry potter hanging around jesus it was so many fantasy things mashed together yeah so okay uh we so she gets taken aboard the uh of the sister of the trio, the sister of the, why can I never remember what these people are called? Entitled, entitled. Anyways, I just want to call them the Nepo Babies. They are, just call them that.

The three Nepo Babies, yeah. That's great, I love it. Yep, they're all going to get writing jobs on SNL. Just three space Nepo Babies. SNL. Just three space nepo babies. We learned that they're all millions and millions of years old, that they say their people perfected gene therapy so they can seed planets with beings and live forever. And then we learned that Jupiter Jones is a perfect genetic copy of their mother, who was like the queen.

But apparently they all want to fuck. Yeah, I know. Super weird. The horniness in this movie is just directed everywhere except the two leads. leads everyone is horny for everything and everyone except the two romantic leads of this movie cannot manage to like muster a convincing conversation with each other i know i know um so we learn that they're kind of in the middle of a power struggle so because jupiter jones is a perfect genetic copy of the queen she owns earth she is the like legitimate owner of earth so these three siblings all kind of want her to get the title they want to get the title to earth through

her so they go down to a a robot a kind of a bitchy robot man takes her down to the bureaucracy planet to get the title to earth like notarized this scene is a fucking blast this scene rules this little segment on the bureaucracy planet has so many aliens so many robots so many weirdo little gadgets it's supposed to be like the space dmv and you could tell that like it's advanced technology but it's old versions of advanced technology it's like brazil it's like a wacko version of brazil and i am like well oddly enough there's a cameo you mentioned brazil terry gilliam has a nice little cameo oh really who is he he's the the last guy that gives her her little tattoo at the end of the whole process and i was watching it and i went is that terry gilliam which i almost put

terry gilliam as my hunk watch um and because i love him so much and i was like that looks like him he would do something like this he would be in this week looked it up bam it was him so it's interesting you mentioned brazil because it feels like that for sure and i'm watching the scene going like where is this movie where is this move like this is good right the the rest of the movie doesn't have to be so bad just do this movie um yeah there's just these little these little glimpses of like fucking and you could tell like we joke about the Wachowskis but they're geniuses they're total geniuses and like the fact that they can't

rein it in to make the rest of this movie better is wild and I think it's just like you make one of the greatest movies of all time and people just let you do whatever you want to and no one tells you no I don't know after this movie they did make sense eight which is oh i haven't seen that series oh so good and you could see like a little bit of like connective tissue between all of their things

oh yeah there's a yeah i am it's there's themes going on but yeah sense eight is amazing and horny as fuck i will say I liked that late Matrix sequel. I know that was only one of the Wachowskis but I thought it was pretty cool. I didn't watch it. I should watch it. It's neat. It's a neat movie. So I think that

they have made cool stuff since the Matrix and probably will make cool stuff later. For sure. And did you notice that robot that was taking... I wanted you notice that robot that was taking, I wanted more of that robot that was taking them through the DMV title process. That robot's so cool. And he finds another robot that looks just like him.

And there's just this part where they're rude to each other and give each other these bitchy looks. It's so funny. It's so funny. He reminds me of John Early. I don't know if you know John Early. Oh, he does a little bit. Yeah, you're right.

He does. I was kind of like going to IMDB going, is this John Early? It's not, but it really gave me John Early is. Oh, he does a little bit. Yeah, you're right. He does. I was kind of like going to IMDb going, is this John Early? It's not, but it really gave me John Early vibes. So she, anyway, so she owns Earth. She gets a little tattoo from a alien that I am learning now. It was played by Terry Gilliam. Kind of cool.

And so she goes aboard the spaceship of the third. She's always just getting captured and like taken to a new guy. She gets captured and taken to the like third sibling who is like, you should marry me again. Mommy, mommy. I did that in this movie. Every time one of these like like triplet siblings would say something to her i would just say mommy at the end of the sentence for them will you marry me mommy it definitely was that and even the the daughter the girl who takes the goo bath and gets young again um she's just naked in front of her mommy

like showing her she's like touch my skin mommy like see how like showing her, she's like, touch my skin, mommy. Like, see how young I am. It was like, I don't know. Yeah. It's, it's weird. So,

and, and I guess while she's like deciding whether or not to marry her son, I guess, they capture Channing Tatum and throw him out an airlock. They don't take off his jet boots. Fucking, he just uses those to escape. I'm like,

yeah, I don't know. Well, you're not going to take off the dude's jet boots fucking he just uses those to escape i'm like yeah i don't know well you're not gonna take off the dude's jet boots he uses them all the time it's all he does is skate around on those things really you're just gonna throw him out the airlock with flying boots so he can come back and fucking kill you which he does anyway um we go to the wedding of of son and mommy mommy son wedding day da da da da marry my mom um it's all costume transitions can we talk about that for a second yeah oh please do so i i hated this i as much as i love costumes and everything yeah the fact that she just wakes up floating in a bed where somebody put a dress on her and it's like what i'm so hot like this kind of like accidental like i costume changes i hated it i hated it i don't like it at all and that dress the wedding dress i fucking hate that dress i'm so sorry ugly ugliest dress

like well and i will say i'll say that one of the robots at the wedding has a question mark hat which i think is the worst hat the worst hat so yeah a lot of a lot of bad fashion choices at mommy's son wedding um but at the very last minute channing tatum who just had his jet boots on comes back in starts wrecking shit um sean bean is there they have these like um exosuit uh spaceship things which actually look kind of cool i will say that i think the like ship design in this movie is pretty cool like it doesn't look like they just changed a star wars thing a little bit it looks like it has its own aesthetic, like somebody thought about it. So yeah, like again,

and like there's plenty of shit that looks cool in this movie. Yeah, anyway, so they did it. Channing Tatum stops the wedding and we're going to learn what happens during the thrilling third act of Jupiter Ascending right at this break. We're back.

It's Free With Ads. We're talking about Jupiter ascending. So the mommy-son wedding has been foiled. She finds herself on Eddie Redmayne's ship. Eddie Redmayne. Hey, remember when he was in everything? We were so rich with Eddie Redmayne for a while, and now no Redmayne anywhere ever.

What's the deal? Yeah. It yes almost like the stuff he was in was all kind of bad he is really giving his all in this he is there are a few actors in this movie who I respect the fact that given the source material that I'm sure they read they were like you know what I'm gonna do my damn this to make this a great character sean bean's doing that john yeah he's doing it eddie redmayne's doing it like he is he's he's doing something it's not it's it doesn't work it's it's bad and silly but it's like he's not phoning it in you know and i kind of i kind of feel i feel

similarly matt i when when he acts and he's how would you describe what he's doing he's an old spaceman who becomes young with goo and and he's and then he yells out of nowhere like like you do not fail me are incredible they're all perfect they all perfectly match with the stings to this uh show so like there's a few here's here is yes please you have some you have some examples my mother told me what was necessary to rule in this universe. By killing people? I create life! He does it perfectly. I, if you don't obey me, I will destroy you.

The worst hat! But wait, he sounds like Voldemort, doesn't he? Yeah, he's doing a little Voldemort. Oh, man. Yeah. The way he says how dare you at one point is just, oh, it's so good. How dare you! How dare you! is just oh it's so good Matt can you save that and play it every time something

fucked up happens on the show it's going in the soundboard Matt you have really outdone yourself I'm so I'm so grateful to you for all your hard work I just can't believe it beautiful work my favorite work. My favorite thing. So the other thing is he could make himself cry in a moment that has no reason to be emotional at all. He'll just be crying.

You'll be like, why is he so emotional? Is it he's so horny that he needs to cry? Right. I don't know what's going on. But I just feel like it reminds me a little bit. Listeners, if this is your first episode, go back and listen to Dungeons and Dragons, that episode. We talk about how our boy Jeremy Irons was, I'm acting like he was very much doing this. He's phoning it in Jeremy Irons style.

He's so good that he could just do the thing he usually does so well i think eddie redmayne that voice just sounded like his juicy lips were so heavy he could barely open them to talk like he was just like redmayne's got a couple of kissers don't he sure does he's gorgeous he's a gorgeous man but yeah the the yelling it reminded me of in church as a kid i had a pastor who would talk real quiet. And right when he thought you were falling asleep in the middle of the sermon, he would just start to yell. Yeah. For example. Double our security deployment to destroy any ship that comes near the planet.

No! No! No! You gotta give him credit. You must. He's doing something. Kill that Goomba. And look at Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum, who are doing nothing.

Who are, they can't muster a sensual look at each other can I say something I don't think Mila Kunis is a good actress I think she's bad I think it's not like Channing Tatum you know Channing

has if not range he has a couple of things that he can do that are legitimately impressive as an actor no he really does have range like i and he's good so seeing him phone it in is incredibly annoying whereas like mila kunis is phoning it in and she's not um really had a challenging role or never done anything in particular. I'm going to disagree with you there, Matt. I think this is the best she can fucking do.

I think this is the best she can muster. I don't know. Meg is pretty good. Yeah, Meg is known for being a very challenging voiceover role. She also played the Meg, right? Yeah, yeah The Meg on Family Guy and also The Meg

She's great in The Meg Yeah, she's very pretty You really think she's gonna eat Jason Statham? I'd eat Jason Statham Yeah, take a big ol' bite, love So, yeah, Eddie Redmayne's he's evil he's yelling occasionally uh channing tatum goes in there and starts fucking shit up too eddie redmayne is in a factory or something and it just keeps blowing up and i'm like why is the factory blowing it looks like a double decker

double like a multi-decker cheesecake factory like all of those like yeah there's like spanish tiles on the top of all of these places and i'm like this is space like i don't know right this is where's my oreo cheesecake this is not under the tuscan sun let's fucking so the factory is exploding mila kunis hits him with a pipe a bunch she She just hits him with a pipe. He falls off the thing that's exploding, and Channing Tatum catches Mila Kunis before she falls, takes her back to Earth where she's having a good attitude, cleaning toilets, but we learn that she and Channing Tatum are dating, and he comes to Earth.

Anyway, they're on top of a building together, and he unfurls his wings. He got his wings back, much like the angel in that Christmas movie. What's that called? It's a Wonderful Life. There you go. So I guess this movie is like Harry Potter

and Wizard of Oz because she's Dorothy and he's Toto, but it's also Super Mario and Attack of the Clones and It's a Wonderful Life and we just throw those all into a blender and you got Jupiter Ascending.

So yeah, he flies around and she has the rocket skates now and they're flying around together and that's the end of the movie. Yep. Thank God. Jupiter Ascending. Thank you, Carrie.

Thank you, Carrie. And thank you to all like honestly like we this it that you know i don't know that we love this thing but very very fun to talk about a very weird talk about a weird fun to make little things at least fun to make yes uh if if if nothing else we got some great classic stings out of this movie. Absolutely. So, yeah, that's Jupiter Ascending. Let's talk about the best lines in this movie. Best slash worst lines. So I'm going to play a line that Carrie actually mentioned in her statement. This is like Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum supposedly having a moment.

Remember, he's a dog man. So I want to know when we play this line do you think this is a good moment or a bad moment i'm not sure matt can you play it i have more in common with a dog than i have with you i love dogs i've always loved dogs i love dogs i've always loved dogs i to fuck dogs, especially if they have wings. This is our second movie. Can I fuck a dog if he has wings? Well, this is our second movie where a woman is in love with a guy who's been spliced with a dog. Yeah.

Wait, what's the other movie? Tank Girl. Oh, right. He's just not that into you. Bradley Cooper is a sperm whale man in that all dogs go to heaven all dogs go to heaven oh fuck oh yeah oh yeah uh yeah anyway i'm like i think i kind of laughed when that happened and i'm like am i laughing because this is like effective i don't know i couldn't tell why i was reacting it was horny that was the horniest moment they had between each other yeah and she

was talking about fucking a dog. I know. And it's nowhere near as nasty as her looking at a telescope on eBay. Fucking outstanding. Emily, what do you got? Okay, so Sean Bean making everything sound cool, but not fully. He lives in a house full of bees. He does. Oh, we didn't even talk about this shit.

Okay, play the line and let's talk about the bee stuff. Bees don't like humans. They don't question or doubt. Bees don't lie. Bees don't lie. Bees don't lie. There's a Shakira song about it, I think, called Bees Don't Lie. Bees don't lie bees don't lie

so something we didn't even touch on that is insane is yeah so when she goes to visit stinger at his bee ranch the bees his name is stinger i just put that together i just put that together just put that yeah okay see the movie's good it is a smart it is a smart movie um he so the bees she controls the bees she like dances around she does the like david bowie contact juggling motions and the bees like follow her arms later they like sting a guy who's trying to kill her and the explanation is that because she's royalty the bees obey her because this is kind of a quote bees are genetically bred to recognize royalty yeah what what yep she's a beak and this does not come back this happens in this one scene and her being able to control bees is doesn't come back at all the movie it's wild um it's one

of those things that when people have talked about this movie to me before it is the one thing they do mention is this line about bees recognizing royalty. Yeah. And so I watched the movie very bee-focused, like kind of waiting for it to be about bees. Right. Yes. This is going to be kind of a bee movie. Yeah, exactly.

Jerry Seinfeld was in it. Right. No, but I was like, I thought that, I don't know, bee shit would kind of like make more of a splash in this. Right. But it was like- There was no callback. No.

She doesn't- And maybe I missed it. Does she eventually use her power of summoning bees again to- I don't remember her ever doing it. Defeat anyone? No. It happens exactly once. She's like a bunch of

just mercenary space guys come onto the farm and try and get her and there's one guy who the bees kill the guy who's after her but that's like the only time the bees enter into the plot it's fucking ridiculous it's like it's like uh learning about the force and then never using the force yes it's like okay it's her one power is that she can control the bees which as stupid as it is at least is a power that she has instead the power that she has is the ability to uh sign contracts like oh yeah that's all we is. Also at the end we learn that she owns Earth. Like Bee Queen owns Earth. And they keep trying to get her to sign various contracts like abdicating her ownership stake in Earth. There is a lot of like,

there's a lot of legal jargon in this movie. Yeah. And I just don't think that's how war works. Like, it's so weird to me. It feels like people just do whatever the fuck they want. Like, just kill her. Take her shit. The respect for space law in this is something that I don't think anyone else relates to.

So there's no actual tension when it's like, oh, no, she's going to put the wedding ring on and then he can legally kill her and you're just like but it's like what who is the law enforcement right who's gonna complain yeah they don't show any law enforcement in space there's no like higher up bureaucratic like i don't know people in charge there's none of it like there is a 2 000 word treatment to this that was written by the wachowskis yeah and we just never got to and yeah maybe understand the lore that they were trying to create you know and maybe they thought they were going to do three of these and video games and comics and maybe they're just like okay this is the start but we're gonna like like, this is gonna,

I mean, because the Matrix, there's so much Matrix shit, right? Like, I guess they just thought that's what this was gonna be, and any weirdo plot holes, they would just explain in, yeah, a PlayStation 3 game or something. Well, I did read somewhere that, like,

their budget was cut in half. There were issues with making this movie that were kind of beyond the Wachowski sisters' control. But still, I don't know. I don't know if more money was going to fix this. I don't know if I'm convinced. Maybe some money was taken away when the script was read. Yes, exactly. What if, I know we have to do everything you say because you made The Matrix, but.

Yep, yep. Anyway, so we will rate this movie, but first we're going to take a little break. Come back after the break for the rating. we're back it's free with ads we're gonna rank rank Jupiter Ascending on a scale of 1 to 10 super loud commercials. Emily, what do you got? I'm going to give this a big old stinking 2. Wow. I'm so sorry to our fan who suggested this. It was super fun to talk about.

Of course. I'm glad we watched it. I think you did a great job suggesting this. This is exactly what we're all about. I don't want'm glad we watched it. I think you did a great job suggesting this. This is exactly what we're all about. I don't want to ever watch this again. I just can't. But there were cool aspects of it I enjoyed. I enjoyed a lot of the aesthetics of it.

It was a pretty movie. I just don't care about any person or lichen or whatever bee fucker that is in henton emily like i like can't take this movie okay i like can't even i like can't even that's so good jordan but yeah it's a it's a two for me dog man dog man you're the dog man now dog man remember that meme anyway um you know what i i'll i might go a little higher than that here's why i'm gonna say i'm gonna give this a five it is yep perfect use of that matt well done i think that like it has it has good bad value right it has the bees recognize royalty it has some actually cool shit that happened like lots of cool aesthetics and like a couple of cool scenes that really work and yeah i think if you're like if you're like a wachowski fan and you want to like understand the filmography i think this is

like a fun watch yeah um and yeah and i think it is a it's like a good free with ads movie it's a good life it's a perfect free with ads yeah and i think for like this podcast these kind of like weirdo oh yeah i kind of remember that movie movies are are what this category of streaming is all about i think so i think that like in in those ways it is a perfect down the middle five free with ads movie so yes jupiter ascending can i add something to this um here's why i'm giving it a little bit of a lower score of Of course. I think that on this show, we love a movie that people didn't get. Yeah.

It didn't get good ratings. It did a bad. But usually those movies have a bit of a camp vibe to it. Like Dungeons and Dragons, that was campy as fuck. It was tongue in cheek. There was a little comedy going on there there was nothing funny about this movie no one was in on the joke everything was taking itself

very seriously even the jokes they thought were just solid good jokes like it's there was nothing about it that was having fun i didn't feel like anyone was having fun with this movie. That's how I feel. So that's my deal. Sorry. It seemed very torturous, like from the cinematography to the acting to, I mean, just the marketing of this movie. Like nobody was having a good time. Nobody. And I don't usually rate movies. Yeah, what do you got, Matt? I'm giving this a 1.75 okay i would

have given it a one but i watched it at 1.75 speed and so it got 0.75 better uh so i'm giving it 1.75 good tip fun tip for anybody looking to check out jupiter ascending all right uh yeah let's let, let's do plugs. Emily, you got anything? Well, I would like to plug the Roast of Rhett and Link that is available now on mythicalsociety.com. Mythical Society is a secret society for all of the Good Mythical Morning and just mythical fans out there. You can go on there and it is a kind of like a paid platform where you can watch special behind the scenes

stuff. But there are also amazing specials on there. We did a stand-up special last year and we just did a roast special that all three of us were on and I thought we all did a great job. It was a blast. It was the scariest day of my life.

I'm so glad it's over. But it turned out pretty good. Yeah, and no one got fired over it. Not yet. Not yet. I just got back from tour, so we'll see. Emily, there's a pink letter here for you. A kind of a pink slip.

It came in. I got your mail while you were gone. Yeah, that's fun. All three of. I got your mail while you were gone. That's fun. All three of us are in that. It was a blast. We roasted Rhett and Link. We roasted each other. We roasted all the other comics. Just a great old time goofing around. I highly recommend joining that platform because

there's a lot of really fun stuff and there will continue to be fun stuff. And hey, not on the paid platform, but over there on the Mythical channel proper, I think we're all going to be in Good Mythical Summer videos coming up. That's right. They're coming back. So those are going to be a blast.

I think you will see Emily, Matt, and I on a bunch of those videos. So make sure you're subscribed. On Saturdays. Subscribe to the Good Mythical Morning YouTube channel over there. And I will give a short, vague plug, a tease, if you will. You know, maybe consider getting your ass to Comic-Con. Maybe San Diego Comic-Con is going to have some fun content. I don't know.

So if you're a Free With Ads fan and you're going to Comic-Con, you know, maybe keep Friday afternoon open. Maybe keep Friday afternoon open. I don't know. Okay. That's all I'm going to say. When is, what's the date for that? July 25th through July 28th. And yeah, so you know, just consider checking it out. That's all I'm going to say. Hell yes.

Alright, that's the show. Tune in next week when our movie will be Moonstruck.