Free With Ads - The Purge

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

This week Emily and Jordan watched The Purge, a closed room horror movie where murder is legal! Make sure to join Maximum Fun so you can listen to our newest bonus episode about Street Fighter The Animated Series.Give us 5 stars and a review on the Apple Podcast Store! DO IT NOW!Visit Emily's ETSY store right now and buy some stuff!

This is not a test. This is the emergency broadcast system announcing the commencement of the podcast about the purge. Sanctioned by the U.S. government, government officials of ranking 10 have been granted immunity from the podcast and do not have to listen. They can listen to Dax Shepard or a Chill Out playlist or something. Commencing at the siren, nothing is off limits. Stories about fingering, playing as much of Sting's Desert Rose as we want without paying him, and discussions about how the Predator is hot. Blessed be our new founding fathers and free with ads.

A podcast reborn. I'm Emily Fleming. And I'm Jordan Morris. Today's movie is The Purge, a horror movie about an insane world where crime is legal that just takes place in one guy's house. Before we talk about this movie, which is, as of this recording, streaming free with ads, we're going to talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week. Other free stuff. Hey, Emily.

Hey, what's up? I was reading the New York Post the other day. It's where I get all of my news. Ew. Yep, I'm gross. I'm a gross weirdo, and I just read the New York Post. But I did see this article that I thought was worth discussing. It's a little old.

It'll be a little bit older when this podcast comes out. We're banking these because you're on tour. That's right. But I think this is worth talking about. You know how at the Olympics everybody fucks each other? Yeah, as they should. Yes, absolutely. We want our athletes to have the very best.

Yeah, you're hot. They inspire us, so you should come a lot. Well, it's also just like I want to imagine that being that hot means you get to just sleep with anyone, the hottest people in the world. Sure. And when people who share your drive, you know, I bet you. Sure. Sure. I bet if you're this super driven super athlete and you're out there just dating a normie.

Yeah. Who's like, I don't know, I'm living with my dad and I'm working with my uncle. That's true. You're probably like, I'm the greatest in the world at something. And I bet the hotness is one thing, but I bet just meeting people who are that intense. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

It is more than just getting fingered at the Olympics. It's everything. It's everything. So I guess for some reason, the uptight people at the Olympics think this is a problem, that everyone's fucking each other. Boo. Boo. So what they have done is in the Olympic dorms, they are making them sleep on what they are calling, I don't know if they are calling them this, but people are calling them anti-sex beds. Okay.

Are you looking at this article? Can you see these beds? Well, I'm looking at a man in a construction vest, bright orange and a helmet, and he looks so geriatric like he shouldn't be anywhere where he needs to wear this type of attire. Why is he sitting on that bed? Yeah, I guess the guy they got to test these beds is some elderly man who looks like he should be giving his grandson a Werther's. And so these beds, it's like

and they show them from the side. It just looks like two Ikea coffee tables pushed together. It's two distinct pieces and I guess the idea is that if you have more than one person on there, it will break. Hang on. That's kind of discriminatory towards the shot putters.

Yeah, beefier. They're beefier people. What if they just do it by themselves? So they're just going to be crashing to the floor in the middle of the night. Yeah, this is made for live gazelle-like sprinters, I guess. Good God. Also, they think you've got to lay down? Yeah, okay.

So this is where I wanna go. Listen, if you're trying to get fingered in an abandoned church office in between choir practice and youth group, we don't need to lay down. Right, and this is kind of what, this is where I think they're going wrong. Okay. Is that you have,

what you're trying to do is stop people from fucking who love a challenge. These people thrive. Oh my God, you're so right. a challenge. These people thrive. Oh my God, you're so right. Off challenge. Yes. They're pushing themselves to do the impossible. Yeah.

If you show them this anti-sex bed, and you're like, you can't fuck on this, they're going to say, fucking watch me. Watch me. I do a modern pentathlon where I shoot a gun, ride a horse, swim. I will find a way to fuck. Yes, you will.

Yeah, it is just so misguided. This is going to lead to probably more and more creative fucking. Yes. I would guess. There's going to be a brand new positions manual that comes out of the Olympics. Right. None of us will be able to do it. Sure. It'll be just like the K of the Olympics. Right. None of us will be able to do it. Sure.

It'll be just like the Kama Sutra. Right. It's like a way to have sex that you can do standing next to each other in a closet. They'll figure it out. I love it. But also just as a bedroom expert, what do you think of these Olympic bedrooms? Fuck this bedroom. You don't like it?

It just reminds me of like, I don't know. It's like you adopted a kid and you regret it. Yeah. This is the room. That'll do. Just hang out in there until you turn 18. Yeah, then fuck off. It also just kind of reminds me of like dorm life.

Yeah, it's very dormy. It's sadder than a dorm. It is. There's no art on the wall. Right. And I don't know. dorm life yeah it's very dormy it's sadder than a dorm it is there's no art on the wall right um and I don't know one pillow

we couldn't get another pillow they think you're gonna fuck if you get more than one pillow these people are gonna sleep bad too this is gonna be a fucking bad Olympics cause everybody's gonna be crashing to the ground

in the middle of yeah let the hot athletes fuck we wanna watch a good show sure why do you think they give a shit and also this is in Paris? Right, I know. Come on, Paris.

Jesus. And I guess just like, okay, I think you're going about this wrong. If you don't want them to fuck, which you should. Yes. That's wrong. I reject that premise. But if you're just like, I don't want this dorm of people to fuck, like, record all their moms reading the Bible and just pipe it through. Just find some way to make people not horny.

Honestly, I thought that without reading the article and only seeing the picture, I was like, oh, I see, you get them to not fuck by just having that guy in every room. Oh, it could be the guy. I thought he was just there wearing a yellow vest, just being like, well, are you going to start fucking yet? I'm ready to jack off.

Ready when you are. I'll start pleasing myself. Do you need me to fire the starter's pistol in order for you to get your fuck on? It's like that would take me out of it. Could you help me get my business socks back on? I'm going to touch my pole while watching the pole vaulters. Wait, wait. Stop fucking for a moment.

I lost my hearing aid. It's somewhere down here. I can't find it. Anyways, that's a guy. That's what he should do. Very good. Very good. So that's, anyway.

That's bullshit. That sucks. Do better, Olympics. That's a shitty thing in the New York fucking post if you want to read it. Yeah, no kidding. Hey, why don't we talk about The Purge? Okay, I'm so excited. Emily, I've seen all of these movies. Jesus Christ.

How many of them have you seen? I feel like Matt Lieb and I are on the same side with each other that it's zero. Okay, this was your first Purge movie. This is my first time. What do you think in general about a home invasion movie? Do you like those?

They are the scariest movies. They really are, huh? Well, the highest tension movies, but I loved the rhythm of this movie a lot. Okay. Also, I loved that there were ads. Oh, interesting. During this movie,

because it stresses you out. Yeah. Home invasion movies are stressful because they feel really real and they remind me of all of my dreams. They are kind of dreamlike, aren't they? Yeah, all of my dreams are just, I am increasingly not being able to run away

from something. Like I'm being cornered. Right. It's just getting tighter and tighter where they're going to get me. And it's like so stressful. I will say in general, I do not mind the ads when we're watching these movies. Yeah. She used to go to the bathroom, look at your phone. I feel like I maybe even look at my phone less while I'm watching these movies because

there's a designated time to do it. Ah. You know, so I'm like, I'm going to watch during the movie. And if I need to look at the phone, I'll do it during the commercial. Yeah. But I feel like this one where it is about these like long, tense scenes,, just cutting off and having Flo yell at you really took me out of it. I loved it. Always Flo. A lot of Flo.

I loved it. It kind of like- It's an extra jump scare. Well, it was mostly Mad Max Furiosa trailers over and over and over again. hearing like people being like boy this thing really tanked and then all the ads are just rotten tomatoes has declared this is the best prequel of all time and you're just like how make a new ad that acknowledges that it tanked yeah did it tank uh i don't know good question i i've been out for a second i know yeah it's one of those things everybody just likes to declare things people love to declare people love to do an article about how movies are dead. Yeah, whatever. They're not dead.

I mean, The Purge is 2013. Exactly. There's 12 of these things. Yeah, I know. It still goes strong. Yeah, so I have seen all of these.

I've been, I go to see them in the theaters. I like, I'm in love with this premise. Yeah. And I do like a home invasion movie.

I love The Strangers. I love You're Next. Love The Strangers. Yeah, aren't those neat movies? Have you seen the prequel yet? What love The Strangers. I love You're Next. Love The Strangers. Yeah, aren't those neat movies? Have you seen the prequel yet? What, The Strangers? Yeah.

No. Okay. I just think the first movie was so perfect. I don't need anything else. Second one's really neat too. Check out the second one. I think it's underrated. I think it's a really cool movie.

Strangers, Prey at Night. But did you see the prequel yet? I haven't yet. Okay. It's starring Cheryl Blossom from Riverdale. I know. We love Riverdale. We love Riverdale.

Me and Jordan love it. So yeah, I. We love Riverdale. We love Cheryl. So yeah, I'm curious to see that movie at some point. But almost, it's even like if you're watching a home invasion movie, it's kind of interesting to watch it in your house. Yeah. Because you're thinking about where the killers will come in. Well, if you live in a place that looks like mine, I dare a killer to find a way to hide in my apartment.

Yeah. I dare a killer to find a way to hide in my apartment. Yeah. Like, I mean, it's, yeah. You're either in the bathroom or in my room. Yeah, that's it. There is a closet, and there's shit all under my bed, and my closet is just packed in there. But I'm like, what if a killer got in,

reorganized my closet, gave himself a little pocket in there, and there he's in there. What's this giant receipt from the container store? Where did this come from? No, but it's like sometimes I do get paranoid about that for no reason. I really thought that, and they'll open my closet, and then I'll reorganize it because I think there's a guy reorganizing it and waiting to kill me. That's a legitimate concern, Emily. My American Girl doll cannot make me feel good about everything.

That's right. At night. She only has so many powers. It's true. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, let's talk about the first Purge movie. We open on Ethan Hawke driving around.

Hey, let's get two segments out of the way. I think he's the tallest guy in the movie. Is he? I think so. I don't look these up. I'm going on vibes. He gives me short king energy. He doesn't give me tall guy energy.

Yeah, I don't know. He was married to Uma Thurman. He was married to Uma Thurman. I think he was shorter than her. And I think she's my height. Again, I don't look these up and I don't plan on it. Well, you know what? He is the big man of the movie.

He's the big man of the movie. Which means... And hey, it's probably time for Hunkwatch. Hunkwatch, yeah. It's Hunkwatch. Ethan Hawke, Hunk of the movie, right? Oh, goddamn. Ethan Hawke can get it any time.

Yeah. But he is unlikable in this movie. He is. I will say that. And I'm glad they made him like that. Absolutely. Yeah. But he is unlikable in this movie. He is. I will say that. And I'm glad they made him like that. Uh-huh. Because he's a pretty shitty dad. He's a bad dad.

He's a shitty dad. Something I like about Ethan Hawke. Shitty dad. Something I like about Ethan Hawke is that he does these highfalutin movies. He does the beforerise type movies. Right, right, Gattaca. And then he'll just be in some trash.

He'll just be in some trash. Do we all agree that there is an Ethan Hawkinson? Oh, sure, yeah, the past couple years, he's just been in all sorts of stuff. He did The Black Phone. Yeah, exactly. First Reformed. Ooh, that movie's so good.

That is not trash, that's a trash movie. That's a very good movie that I think a lot of people didn't see. Oh, yeah. Don't sleep on First Reformed. Didn't it get nominated for some Oscars and shit? I think it got nominated. It maybe won or got nominated for Best Screenplay, and I think he did get nominated for it, too. It's really good.

It's a wacky movie. Apparently, it's a movie in the middle of a three-parter, a trilogy. Oh, interesting. I didn't know. The guy who created it, it's a trilogy of some kind. First reformed, second reformed, and third reformed. Well, no, I can't remember. Negative one reformed.

I don't know really what it's all about, but it's like a- Like a thematic exploration. Yeah. Paul Schrader. Paul Schrader can make a good movie. Paul Schrader, is he the bald guy that plays the keyboards? I think of Paul Schaefer at the CBS orchestra. Wouldn't that be great if Paul Schaefer, Canadian jazz legend and David Letterman's band leader.

The middle of First Reform, you just hear. Ha ha. Yeah, uh-huh, yes. Oh, fuck. Yes, how can God stand by while we're killing the environment? Oh, luck be a lady tonight. Paul Schaefer co-wrote It's Raining Men. I believe that.

Do I believe he wrote that movie? Also, yes. He can do it all. But yeah, he was also in, what was that really crazy horror movie that he did? Sinister. Oh, Sinister. That is a scary movie. That is such a scary movie.

2012, so it was like a year before this movie. Yeah. He was on a little horror bender. He was, yeah. And it kind of, I smell a little Nicolas Cage tax problem. Maybe, because, but I do, regardless of why he's doing these kind of trashier horror movies, I love it. He's fucking great in them. Who do you think is paying alimony out of him and Uma?

Great question. I think. This might hold the answer to why Ethan Hawke was just in a bunch of low budget horror movies around this time. But we are grateful that he decided to do it. I am. I'm very grateful. So he's driving around in his nice ass neighborhood.

We learned that this is a world where to solve all of humanity's problems, the new founding fathers, some sort of wacky government that came into power in a way we'll discover in future sequels. And what is it called again? The next forefathers or the new forefathers? Yeah. Well, what happens if there's another founding fathers? in future sequels. And what is it called again? The next Four Fathers? The new Four Fathers. Yeah, well, what happens if there's another Founding Fathers? It'll just be like,

here's some more fathers. The new wave Founding Fathers. Yeah. I believe those are called the Step Founding Fathers. There you go. Thank you. I'm not the Step Founding Father.

I'm the Founding Father that stepped up. Yes. So yes. So in this world, what they've done is they've made crime legal for one night a year. And apparently that solved everything. Yeah. We all know that it's just there's less people who are poor. Yeah.

So, I think that's kind of where they go in later movies. They really kind of dig into the commentary, and there's, you know, spoiler alert for future Purge movies. The government was behind it all. Well, yeah. And, yes, and they were just trying to get people to die. Pretty much, but the whole psychology of it, like, everybody keeps saying,

oh, imagine how horrible the world was before the Purge, and then there's a doctor that comes on over the TV. The parents are like watching the TV about the purge. Like people are watching what's happening. Yeah. So I guess if you're not. Like it's entertainment. If you're not out there purging. And I guess worth mentioning that on this night where crime is legal, all anyone does

is kill. There's no people who just like dig an above ground pool without a permit. Yeah, it's not like calories don't count during Purge. It's my cheat day. Yeah, that's right. Ripping the tag off a mattress that says do not rip. Sure, yeah. Throwing out a jury duty summons.

I don't give a fuck. It's Purge night. Hail the new founding fathers. Just taking pisses outside. That's what we do on Purge. Yeah, and again, in a future sequel, they will show that, like, in the beginning, people were kind of just using it to party,

and then the government sent in the psychos to start killing people. But in this one, you know, it's just like, on Purge night, people kill. Yeah. And if you don't, if you're not out there doing it, you're, like, watching it at home. Yeah, but it's so crazy that there's parties and it's like because we find out okay let me finish

this one thought first and then i'll get to the other one so many thoughts the like pseudoscience of the like there's a doctor who comes over like the tv and the news and he's like a study show that if you um people are violent and purge all of their negative emotions for one night, they get healthier and better and everything. Right, yeah. Like, this is such bullshit. Totally, I know. Total opposite of what the government thinks when kids play shoot-em-up video games, which is it makes you want to kill people. Right, yeah.

So suddenly it's like, oh, it's a good thing to actually do it. And now all kids play is Animal Crossing. Now that we have the purge, Animal Crossing is the only game we need. Right, but there's, so he's, when he gets, I'm jumping the gun here, but we'll talk about the neighbors here in a minute. Yeah, so Ethan Hawke is married to Lena Headey.

Cersei, we love her. Why is she not in more stuff? It'll happen. Listen, everybody just tweet about her all the time and how we miss her and love her and all that. There you go. Please. And, yeah, she's great in this. They're married.

They got two kids. They got kind of a creepy-ass 10-year-old and a sassy teen girl. Well, and the sassy teen daughter is from the TV show Reign. R-E-I-G-N. Reign is a CW show about Mary Queen of Scots. It's like a teen

kind of soap opera version of it. That's fun. And it's so good and I've rewatched it twice. Wow, okay. It is trash. None of the costumes are real or remotely correct. Sometimes it doesn't matter. The dialogue is stupid, but it is pulpy. It's very Riverdale, but it's Mary Queen of Scots.

And she's from that. Yeah, she plays Mary Queen of Scots. So yeah, the little boy is real creepy. He's got his hair in his face. He has made a tiny robot out of a baby doll and given it tank treads and it has a camera in its eye and it's so fucking obvious it's gonna come back later yeah oh well it has to yeah exactly it's checkoff's creepy baby doll if you see it in the first act but i was thinking this about the kid yeah um the kid is an interesting character uh he's the problem

for our main characters right yeah well he's not the problem yeah the the purge is the problem but um he at the beginning when they're having dinner does this thing where he's taking his vitals all the time yeah what's that all about did we ever get i don't know yeah that seems like something that was gonna come back and then just didn't. Yeah, I was like, does he have a fucked up heart? Sure. Or what's going on? Like, I don't know. It was a weird detail.

Maybe I missed it because I was hiding under a blanket, scared that Flo was going to pop out at me and start yelling about insurance. Yeah, yeah. But, so yeah, so you got these two teens and then they got some neighbors. The Halverstens. They're just kind of a waspy couple. They're making kind of thinly-veiled, shitty comments. There's this thing about cookies. Yeah, what the fuck is the deal with the cookies?

Yeah, I don't know. I feel like it is just like, I feel like when people are trying to make jokes about suburbia, there's a lot of cookie humor like the women are always making cookies. Can I say something? And this is maybe my guttural reaction to like, I don't want to do that kind of. Oh, what's the word where you're domestic? I'm not. I think the idea of being domestic in the year 2024 is fucking like childish. Like, why are we baking cookies? You can just get the fucking dough in the grocery store, put them in the oven.

This is not special that you're bringing this woman cookies. Anyone can make cookies, okay? Thank you. Don't act like you're doing something really cool. And yeah. Coming over here giving me food. What'd she do to those cookies? I know.

And I think that the modern waspy mom probably is not making cookies. I think there's probably a better pull for this of like, come to my yoga class. I'm making microbiotic smoothies or something. And I think this movie is lazy and has a lot of lazy writing in it. And I think this cookie thing is part of that. Well, here's all I'm going to say is fuck your cookies. Bring banana bread. That's how you get a neighbor to like you.

It's more substantial, you know? Cookies, like, God, what is this? Yeah, you could, like, subsist on some banana bread to lunch if you needed to. Yeah, banana bread is something nobody ever has and everyone wishes they had it. There you go. It's filling. It's more filling. Bake banana bread.

If you want to murder your neighbor, give them banana bread. So, okay, so back at the house, you know, the daughter goes up to her room and she starts making out with her boyfriend. This guy. Gross. This guy looks so much like Skeet Ulrich from Scream. Really? You think so? Oh, totally. Yeah, he's got the exact same vibe. And I'm like, you know this fucking guy is going to be trouble because he looks like

Skeet Ulrich from Scream. Well, yeah. And he was just gross. He's like, I don't know. He was sneaking in places. He was gross. And also there was an age gap, a parent like he like talks about. I know.

And I'm like, how old is he supposed to be? I have no idea. Fucking 12. Yeah. And he's like, I know I'm older than you, but your dad will understand. I was like, wait, how old is she then? Sure. She looks way older than him. I know I'm older than you, but your dad will understand. I was like, wait, how old is she then? Sure. She looks way older than him. I know I work with your dad at his office.

This chick is literally playing the Queen of Scotland at the same time that she's playing a girl who's younger than this guy. Crazy. They do some very intense teen dry humping. It's like the most explicit thing in the movie. I love, I miss dry humping. You know, it's nice. It's nice. Just the feeling of genitals on jeans.

Yes, stinky jeans because we never washed them because we were teens. But we also see that she has a speech and debate trophy on the wall. Oh, I didn't notice that. Well, it didn't show much in this movie. Yes, her speech and debate skills do not come back. They sure don't. Okay, so they see, so the purge is about to start. They look outside. They see their neighbor sharpening his machete. Fucking crazy. Yeah, that's like cool.

And this movie needs so much fucking more of that. Casual, like. Yeah, like this, and they figure this out later in the series, but this needs to be a dark comedy. It's such a fucking insane premise. And the idea that you would like start killing your neighbors and then be nice to them as soon as the siren sounds is hilarious well i i kind of like that i'm sure that as the movies go on they get funny right kind of never and there's a purge tv series that does a pretty good job like there's a purge tv

series where there's a scene where they're auditioning people to play the woman who reads the Purge announcement. Oh my God. So that's like pretty funny, them getting into the logistics of the Purge. It never quite, it's never what I want it to be,

but they do kind of figure out later that these are a little more fun and a little less dire than this movie. Yeah, well, I don't know why. Because of the thing the doctor said at the beginning where he's like, you're healthier if you do this and come out of it. I was like, that is some interesting mental gymnastics that everyone's having to do. And it's a little bit Starship Troopers.

It's a little bit RoboCop where you're seeing the propaganda. But I kind of like that it's taking itself seriously because I think people could do the mental gymnastics where they just choose to go, it's fine. Right. Totally. So the guy sharpening the machete and it being fine, I kind of liked it because I'm like, how do people's minds just go back to. That's just where they are. It's so weird.

I know. And we do like, you know, you look at some of the fucked up shit that society just accepts. Exactly. This is what I'm saying. Yeah, we could be purging in five years. I mean. I think this movie does take place two years from now or something. They like.

All right. Well. Here it comes. So anyway, so they have an awkward family dinner. There's those loud plate scraping noises. You know when they're supposed to be. Oh, yeah. You know when you're supposed to signify awkward dinner.

You just have loud plate scraping noises. Yeah. You know when they're supposed to be, you know when you're supposed to signify awkward dinner, you just have loud plate scraping noises. And I know I didn't, I didn't pick a favorite quote this time, but I'm remembering a moment from this scene that I think is my favorite. No carbs at all. Not even one.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. About the meal she made. That's right. No carbs. And I'm like, then what is it made out of? Probably something. Everything's got a carb in it, I feel like.

Oh yeah. We have, speaking of lines, we have a real treat when it comes to the best lines. Oh, I can't wait, Jordan. It's going to be a lot of fun. Yay! Anyway, so it's time for the purge. They go down in their, like, because the family's not going to do it, right? The Ethan Hawke-Lenaheity family is not going to purge.

Yeah. Because he makes security systems. So that's where their family money comes from, is he makes the security systems for people who don't want to purge. Well, he sellsge. Yeah. Because he makes security systems. So that's where their family money comes from is he makes the security systems for people who don't want to purge. Well, he sells them. Yeah. He doesn't like make them in a factory. But yeah, he's part of the.

Well, at first I was excited because I'm like, oh, this is the guy that created these. Yeah. But yeah, he's just kind of a sleazy salesman. And so they go down into their like purge room. He's just looking at pictures of boats on his iPad. Oh, my God. this scene was so gross. Just stock, they're just stock, again, this movie's so lazy.

There's just stock photos of boats. It's not like, they don't make a fake boat buying website. He's just like, boat, boat, boat, I like these. And he's like, could you remember like 10 years ago, we couldn't even make rent. Yeah. And now I'm looking at boats. I'm looking at photos of boats.

And I'm like, rent? Y'all look like you're 60. Yeah. What are you doing? What? But oh, I wanted to talk about the blonde neighbor who like came with the cookies. Because she's jealous that they made money off of the security system. Right, yeah.

Which you immediately, that was a little lazy lazy but I'm glad they were lazy. Sure. They showed us right at the beginning who the bad people are. Yeah, you know she's coming back. You know she's coming back

and you know that boyfriend, something's up with him. Of course, yeah. You just know it and I don't mind knowing. Yeah, no,

no, it is like, I don't mind knowing. Yeah, it is, it is, they do do like fun setting up of like stuff that comes back later.

Exactly, exactly. So the daughter decides she's going to go up in her room which is like, exactly exactly um so the daughter decides she's gonna go up in her room which is like you're just letting the kid go up and let's make a fucking bunker with the family oh there's guns in the bunker by the way they're like super armed there's all sorts of crazy shotguns not armed enough i'd say oh yeah okay i think they could have done a few more things and more medieval weapons too get a mace down there get a broadsword yes and a drone

yeah i guess the little kid's baby doll tank was like, this is enough. So the next thing, the next big plot point that happens is Skeet Ulrich boyfriend has stowed away in the house. They're locked in with Skeet Ulrich boyfriend

and his plan is to kill Ethan Hawke. We don't know that at first. He's like, I'm going to have a conversation with him. Yeah, he's like, I'm going to talk to your dad and he just comes downstairs and pulls out the gun. So I guess he can just kill the dad on purge night. Asshole.

And then be with his daughter. Like, okay, let's get married. I've killed your dad. Jesus. Okay, so while that is happening, the creepy son on the monitor, they have like monitors monitoring the outside, sees a guy who is just in the credits as the stranger. We'll call him the stranger. There's a guy who is like yelling, help me, help me, they're after me, they're after me.

And then the kid takes pity on this guy who he doesn't know. Right, and I knew this was going to happen. Yeah, this is like in the trailers. Yeah, but you let this guy in and then it's like, oh, the crack happened in the wall and now everybody's in. Yeah, exactly.

I was not looking forward to this. Yeah. I muted while this was happening. Oh, yeah. Because as everything was about to happen, I was like, all right, they got all this stuff, they're safe, blah, blah.

And I'm like, oh, yeah, they're going to have to die, though. Yeah. And so I just muted it while the kid was fucking up. So he did it. He lets the guy in, and that's when the Purge weirdos show up. It is a waspy group of people who are kind of, like, coded as blue bloods. Fucking gross, yes. of like coated as blue bloods. Fucking gross, yes.

They are like in like boating outfits or like prep school outfits. But the women, the men are in prep school outfits. The women are like in mid-somar dresses. Yeah, they're in like Victorian orphan nightgowns. And they have these like creepy ass masks that kind of look like their face in a way where it's creepy because you just have a mask of your face. Yeah, exactly. What kind of psycho?

The only guy whose face we see, he takes it off and you're like, oh, the face is worse than the mask. Yeah. No offense to this actor, but he's just terrifying looking. This guy. Is so scary. This is the fucking greatest casting. This guy is so terrifying. And they give him this dialogue that is like kind of Ren Ferry.

He delivers it like a champ, though. He sure fucking does. And this kind of thing usually annoys me in movies when people are like, you know, good sir and madam, please kindly send out our stranger and we will and we will rid ourselves of you this this fine night and this guy fucking does that and you were just you're terrified yes this guy kills it he's so good he's so good um i've looked up other stuff he's done i hope he gets everybody who's in this movie is a fucking stellar actor yeah the acting is really good in this movie. Is really good. But yeah, he's, I mean, that's some Riverdale like, take notes, Riverdale. He is pretty Riverdale-y. Because

he's doing the language that's kind of clunky and doesn't feel natural, but he's doing it with precision. He is, and he's terrifying. So they want the stranger to come out so they can kill him. Oh, and he shoots one of his own guys, too. That's pretty scary, and he's like, if I shot my friend, what am I going to do to you?

It's really scary. Yeah. It totally fucking works. And then I was kind of thinking about the purgers who are outside. The rural purgers. The rural purgers. The rural purgers. I was like, well, why wouldn't all of them just kill this main guy if he's willing to kill one of them?

Yeah, like what hold does he have on them? Yeah. And that's where I'm like, show this guy's backstory. Yes. Who is he? Is he just a fucking shitty stockbroker? Is he a guy who just works at his dad's car lot? I think this is a cult.

Yeah, it might be a cult. That's where I'm like, just a little backstory would be so good here. I want to see this guy at his job. Does lot. I think this is a cult. Yeah, it might be a cult. That's where I'm like, just a little backstory would be so good here. I want to see this guy at his job. Does he just work at McDonald's, you know? And just during the purge, he's this like waspy super killer super villain. Oh, fuck.

Anyway, so it's kind of just like, it just kind of devolves into them trying to get into the house and the family kind of escaping from them. This is kind of a funny logistical thing that i couldn't get out of my head so periodically we'll look into the security cameras and there's always a purge weirdo looking into the camera yeah they don't know when people are looking and not so it's like at some point they say like okay we're all going to take a shift looking into the camera. Some of us are going to be trying to break down the door,

and then we're going to switch, and then I'll look in the camera. Also, over here, we're going to do the Harlem Shake. Yeah. And then, okay, you, Midsommar ladies, you'll do Ring Round the Rosie, and just look really creepy in case they happen to be looking into the camera. I love that there was a guy pushing a girl on a swing that's hanging from a tree and just be like, okay, it's my turn. It's my turn to swing. You push.

I'll kill you. I'll kill you. I can do it. I can do it tonight. I can kill you for not swinging me. So that's, and then kind of just, it turns into a break in. They say like, oh, we've got a way to break down your door. It's a truck.

They're like bringing a truck to pull off the security system. What the fuck? If that's all it takes. Well, see, now we know he doesn't work at McDonald's. If he could get somebody to get one of these. That's true. The equipment they were able to find. I think if you work at McDonald's, you have a friend with a truck.

Well, I don't think it was just a truck. It was. It was a pretty hardcore truck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. I'm sure this guy is the shitty son of a billionaire or something like that. Yeah, that's kind of the vibe. So yeah, it kind of just devolves into them trying to get into the house and them hiding the stranger.

I will say, I never know where anyone is in this movie. What do you mean? Like in the house? Yeah, and maybe that... That's true. Maybe that makes it scarier that you're kind of discombobulated or you don't know where you are. But I'm just like, I don't know where anyone is. It's so dark and it's like some shots you get through the creepy baby doll drone. And like, hey, did I go to film school? I didn't go to film school.

No, but if you don't understand it, you're the person who's being entertained here. And it's hard to follow. It's hard to follow. I'm like, is the solution at some point, you just follow someone walking around the house. In the beginning, maybe it's the kid going to his parents. Yeah. So you know the layout of the house.

I didn't. The house seemed fucking huge. It did. They never know where anyone is in the house. Yeah. And I'm just like, I don't know where anyone is, where the bad guys are. Yeah. I don't know.

It was, it's like, show me the house before you show people breaking into the house, you know? Also, it's like, y'all didn't have a panic room inside of the house with the security system? What the fuck? I think they were supposed to be in the panic room, but it didn't seem like it had any kind of locks on it. No, it didn't seem like that.

It's just the gun room. They were in a closet with like a fucking latch. Yeah. Like latch lock thing. And the separating the kids, like separate. I know, Matt, you've got a lovely family, but I was. Go on. That fucking movie.

We're just going. That movie made me so glad I don't have kids. Yeah, I know. Because they were like, it was like, stay with us. We're going to die. And they're like, no. us we're going to die and they're like no and then they like walk away and you're like most of the movies these kids like this was my problem with most of the movie was just these damn kids i was just like you know what guys get your house in order all right i raised my daughter to know that when purge happened they're right next to me

a whole time and i tell her this every day. She's only a baby, but she understands. And then there's another pain in the ass. If you want to go out and purge, you got to get a sitter. You always got to get a sitter. And then the sitter's going to kill the kids. Exactly. Because the sitter's a psycho and you didn't know it.

Fuck. Oh, boy. So hard to get a sitter these days. So there's a big fight with all the Purge weirdos. It's pretty cool. The fight is pretty cool. It's a lot of like slamming each other.

I wanted some music. Yeah, yeah. I wanted some like EDM kind of like cool music. Maybe some, what's the, oh, Prodigy. I could have used

some Prodigy. I thought you were going to say Len, steal my sunshine. No, but yeah, some Prodigy. You want a little twisted fire starter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So there's a big fight. Emily, do you remember, I didn't write it down. Do you remember how they kill the head purge weirdo? It was our girl, Mary Queen of Scots. Okay.

She shot him. Yeah, I think you're right. I think she shot him in the head. But he kills Ethan Hawke in the scuffle. Yes. Or you're meant to kind of think that he did. You don't really see him dead, but it's kind of implied that he's dead. Well, I thought he got shot at the very beginning

by the boyfriend, so he was shot before, and then he got shot some more. I think he got shot some more. So they kill the Purge weirdos,

but that's when the fucking Halverstons break in. Which, okay, so the Halverstons are the neighbors, but then what is our main character's

last names? I don't know, I was calling them Ethan Hawke and Lena Hayes. Well, it was like annoying last names, both of them, were like the Sandersternes. Well, it was like annoying last names. Both of them were like the Sandersterns. Sure. The

Suburbansteens. Yes, exactly. That's what it was. Because behind the white picket fences, that's where the commentary happens. The dark commentary. Yep. So yeah, so then they fight the neighbors and this shit is like a fucking

blast. It is a blast. It's totally fun. The neighbors are weird. They say like a crazy prayer around Lena Headey. Oh my God. And Lena Headey is acting her fucking ass off. She's so good. She's so great in this.

But can I say, I've got the worst hat. Oh, please, yes. The worst wig is on Lena Headey. The worst hat. There it is. I don't know if it's a wig, but whoever, if it's a dye job, what the fuck? It's just flat black, like manic panic. Sure.

No dimension at all. There should be volume. There should be bounce. But also, it looks like she's just a mall goth. That haircut is like Emily the Strange, but a bob. Sure, yeah. And it just doesn't, it looks like someone took a black Sharpie and colored her hair with it. She's off to sell some anime lunch boxes at the Hot Topic.

Yeah, it doesn't look like a housewife hairdo at all. It looks like a goth situation. Anyway, bad hair, bad hat. Bad hair, hate it. Bad hair is a bad hat. So the little kid distracts them with the baby doll. And then the stranger comes in and saves the day. The stranger has been hiding there. He comes in with the gun. and then the stranger comes in and saves the day. Stranger has been hiding there

he comes in with the gun. Yeah. And he's like a badass too. Yeah he's a total badass and then Lena Headey has the decision like to kill the neighbors and they want her to you know they want they like believe in the purge so much that they're like kill me kill me and she's not gonna do it. She's like

I'm putting it into the violence and then they just have to sit there till the morning and i'm like this is fucking hysterical again so good this is why the movie needs to be a comedy what a funny idea you just have to sit there with your neighbors and not kill them i know and then to like let's hear some small talk let's hear some fucking well she did give her a little bit she was like did you enjoy the party like yeah yeah i was like yeah it was very nice. Yeah. But yeah, you're going to have to live next door to these people the next day. Also, I think maybe The Purge is a great time to go on a vacation to another country. Yeah, I know.

I think maybe instead of staying in a house. We've always wanted to see Vancouver. Yes, let's do that. Okay, one of my favorite details of one of the Purge sequels is that they say that psychos from other countries do Purge tours of America. So you have all these kind of like crazy Euro trash people getting off the plane in their Purge gear. It rules. Oh my God, of course that's what's going to happen. So yeah, they really build out the world in some fun ways uh in the sequel then that's gonna become like war yeah totally

eventually okay we'll get to the shocking conclusion of the purge right after this We're back. It's free with ads. We're talking about The Purge. So it's pretty much done. Lena Headey gets in one final gun butt to the nose and slams her head on the table. The way that she spits out all the

blood. Her blonde asshole cookie neighbor. I'm just going to call her Cookie because it sounds like her name. That is a fun name. I was expecting some teeth to come out. That would have been fun. But nah. I wish there had been a little bit more violence yeah that moment it's a yeah it's a pretty like anticlimactic revenge moment like

just just a little bit because also i was like okay you don't have to kill her but like can you just beat the shit out of her you know just be the fact beat the shit out of her. You know, just beat the shit out of all of them. For just a little bit, and then the clock runs out, and then don't. And that's assault. And sure, maybe the moral of the movie is that cycles of violence are wrong. But beat the fucking shit out of her. Because it'd be cool for the movie. It'd be cool. I needed that catharsis, because I was so mad at her.

But it's also just like, if you don't kill these people, they're coming for you next year. Yeah. Next year. Well, next year you just got to be ready. Well, I don't think- Or they're going to give your kids some whack candy at Halloween. Yeah. Well, I don't know.

It's like, do we care about the law after this? Yeah. Where it's like, well, because if you're in jail, you can't purge. Yeah. And also, what happens if you kill someone like just two minutes outside of the siren? Oh, you're fucked. Who's going to know, though? Who's going to know?

The new founding fathers will know. How are they going to know? All hail the new founding fathers. I'm just saying, there's a lot of plot holes in this. I don't know. I don't know if the purge is real, you guys. Tight as a drum. So, hey, we're going to rank this movie.

But before that, we usually on this podcast talk about the best lines from the movie. Right, right. Now, there's some good stuff. We like the Purge announcement. We like the weird stuff from the lead Purge weirdo. Yes. I don't think this movie has a ton of good lines. Okay, yeah.

I don't think it has a ton of good lines. So I thought what we would do here is just listen to a few more raps from the Knockouts special. Jordan, Matt! To Reset Knockouts is a YouTube video we watched in another episode. This is Sylvester Stallone's mom, Jackie Stallone. Yeah!

This was a weird pay-per-view VHS special she had in the late 80s, I think, where hot women boxed each other, and they introduced themselves with raps. They're all themed women. They all have a theme, and they rap to introduce themselves. Yes, yes. So we're going to play some more of the Knockouts raps.

Okay, great. My name is Melanie, and I'm a fine I'm a lumberjack with an axe to grind I'm from up north, as you can see. Just like the trees, men pine for me. Knockouts. Knockouts. Knockouts is just in my brain.

I was listening to a radio story about a labor dispute in a public school system. Yeah. And they were talking about what was happening. And someone said there were walkouts. And I'm like, walkouts! Walkouts. So that's Melanie. Calling your wife like, can you let me in?

Why? I've been locked out. Locked out. You need to zip your fly. Cocks out. Stop. We're having a good time. We're having a fun time.

I'm going to pee. So that was Melanie. I guess she's Canadian. Her rap is about being a lumberjack. She's not dressed like one. She's just in boxing clothes. Really? She doesn't have a little hat?

No, it's fucking lazy. What? Put a hat on Melanie. Put a hat on her. But also- Suspenders. They're supposed to kind of have sexy themes. Is anyone just turned on by Canadian-ness? I kind of am.

Oh, okay. I kind of get it. There's something about like just Canadians in general. Politeness. Maybe I don't know that many. Ryan Reynolds. No. Okay.

That's a big no for me, dog. Seth Rogen. No. Mike Myers. No. Shit. If you can name a hot Canadian I will admit

Justin Trudeau oh fuck no I love how he goes all out for Halloween yeah he really loves it I loved Halloween

yeah I don't know if any Canadian dudes are gonna do it for me okay sorry Canadians we find out Ethan Hawke is Canadian oh yeah

he has maybe a little bit of a vibe. I wouldn't be surprised. Nah. Okay. He's so cow. We have one more. This is who Melanie fights in Knockouts.

Okay. Metal like stock for all I care. I'll make sure I'll get my share. Once I control your company, you'll do your best work under me. Knockouts. A knockout. So she's like the sexy stockbroker. Oh, cool.

She'll get your stocks out. Stocked out. And she is doing, of all the knockouts, and I've watched all the knockout raps at this point, we've played a 16th of them. Really? There's that many? No, it's literally, I downloaded the whole thing. It's over an hour long. Can we, at some point... Yes is the answer. Do our own.

Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, I love it. Like, we write our own, give ourselves little characters. You got it. We'll put it on Instagram. By the way, I really, really want us to start an Instagram. We should start a letterbox, too. What's that?

Oh, it's where you review movies. It's like a social network where you review movies. So more work? We just cut and paste stuff we say. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can just post the podcast on it. I don't get it.

It's far away. All right. I don't get it. I don't get it. Listeners, you're loving this, by the way. I just said Instagram and now you're adding more shit? I don't want to do more than one thing.

You're right. Let's just do my thing. Let's do one thing. Let's stop doing the podcast and only do Instagram. No, that's not what I'm saying. You said one thing. One extra thing.

Of the knockouts, this woman is doing the best acting. She has a little voice. She has a little snob voice that she puts on. It's like way more acting than anyone else does in the knockouts. I like it. It's a great voice.

She kind of sounds like she'd be like a good, what was it? Was it emo? In like the Oh yeah She could be in My Chemical Romance Yes You're right

It's a little bit of an emo voice A fancy 80s voice It's kind of an emo voice It's a little Gwen Stefani I mean My Chemical Romance is what Lena Headey's hair looked like In this fucking movie Yeah

Hated it. She's in a band with long ass song titles. Anyway, so those were the best lines from The Purge. We're back. It's Free With Ads. We're going to rank The Purge on a scale of 1 to 10 super loud commercials. Emily, you want to go first? Okay.

I'm going to give this, like, I don't know, a solid eight. Okay. For sure. You're loving the purge. I liked it. There were ads. Yeah. It gave a little bit of chopped up space.

I thought the pacing was nice. It didn't get too violent for me. Okay. Because sometimes when things get a little too much, I just get this kind of weird whirring in my head that's desensitizing me to something. I don't know. I don't like it. But it was disturbing enough, especially with the intro.

Like all the images in the intro and stuff. Yeah, it is pretty... You're scared immediately. You're seeing like... It looks like security cam footage of people purging off. And it looks pretty real. Yeah. It is a little more shocking than the movie actually turns out.

Yeah, exactly. But yeah, I can see how you're really put on edge from that intro. So it put me on edge. I'm glad that they made the family kind of unlikable. Yeah. So that it was more about this purge thing is fucked up. Sure. Like, why is everybody okay?

You know, so So you're watching people kind of reap what they sow. And so you're not really rooting for anybody in this movie, I feel like. Yeah. Not even that little boy. I'm only rooting for that

little fucking baby machine he made. Yeah. That's it. Protect the baby machine at all costs. Baby machine and the stranger. And the stranger, yes. We like the baby machine and the stranger.

And hopefully they have a little love connection. And they did seem like they had a little bit of a connection. Oh, yeah, that's true. The baby machine does find the stranger at one point. Yeah, and helps them get to safety. Thank you. Well, there's the love story of the movie. Hell, yeah.

So, yeah. So I'm like a real fan of this series. I've seen them all. All right. I've watched a season of the TV show. I think this is easily the worst purge thing. Really? Yeah.

And watching it again, I'm like, I think they just wanted to have a home invasion movie and they accidentally came up with the world's greatest premise. And I think that they figured it out later and they learned how to have fun with it but I I think this is kind of the movie itself I think is like a crumbier version of the strangers or another better movie and so I like the purge movies I suggest that if you're kind of into this absolutely watch the rest of the series uh I will if they decide to crank out more of these, I will definitely be there. But I think this movie, for me, is a five. I think it's a five.

Whoa, and from a fan. Yeah, and from a fan. So I think that it's the rare movie where it gets better as they do the sequels. Okay. What's the other, I guess Fast and Furious maybe? I don't think it's getting better anymore. Yeah, it had a peak, and now we're...

Yeah, for sure. Time to wrap it up, guys. Wrap it up. And I love those, too. Well, hey, if we find the next one on Free With Ads on any of the platforms,

I'm down to revisit. You're down to watch more Purge. Hell yes, just like how we gotta do Godfather 3 at some point. Oh, sure, you got it. Yeah, so this'll be on our list as well.

And they're a blast. I'm so stoked to watch more of these. And yeah, if they crank out more of these or another TV show, I'm there. But I think this is the weaker of the series. Okay.

All right. Plug-a-rooski. Emily, you got anything? No. Okay. Cool. Honestly, right now, I leave at the time of this recording, I'm leaving for tour day after tomorrow. Oh, yeah.

So I'm like, I don't know. I can't think of anything more than two days away. Yeah, so I guess we should say at this point we have picked a winner of our Pick a Movie contest. We're going to wait a tick until Emily gets back from tour to actually do that movie. But the winner has been notified. Congratulations and thank you to everyone who entered. Yes, thank you. Love all of y'all who pre-ordered youth group.

Love getting your emails. Super pissed you didn't pick me. Oh, sorry. Super pissed. Yeah, but you didn't get the book, Matt. I will buy the book. Okay. Thank you, Matt.

I'll buy it too. Congratulations to our winner. Thank you. Congratulations to our winner. I will say, just another reminder, usually podcasts say this, we haven't been saying it. Rate our podcast. Yes.

Rate our podcast in your podcast app. It genuinely helps. Don't do joke one-star reviews. Please don't do that. It's also not funny. Not funny. It actually hurts the show. Yeah.

But if you have a good five-star review, oh boy, that would really help us out. You can do it for free right in the app where you're listening to this podcast. And I also have another suggestion to increase engagement. Oh, I'd love'd love yeah engage we love that stuff on the spotify app uh when you listen to free with ads uh there is at the time of this once this comes out you will see that you can actually comment on individual episodes of the podcast. So you can say, I really loved this one.

Or I agree, I hated this movie. Or whatever you want to say, just go into the Spotify app and listen to it. And then write down your comment at the bottom of each episode. Just write, Daddy, Daddy, every time we say it. Over and over and over again. Yeah, thank you. And yes, whatever you're using to listen to this podcast probably has a ranking system or a commenting system. All that stuff really helps us.

So thank you in advance for doing that. And that's the whole episode we do. Should we have a sign-off? Maybe. I don't know. We'll think of one, perhaps. But we'll be back next week with a movie that is called...