Free With Ads - The Skeleton Key (2005)

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

This week Emily and Jordan watched the 2005 horror film The Skeleton Key, starring Kate Hudson and Peter Sarsgaard, a movie about how scary it is to attempt a New Orlean's accent.Come see Jordan Morris at the YALLWEST Book Festival in Santa Monica on May 3rd and 4th. Get your tickets to see Jordan here. And if you can't make it to LA, pre-order Youth Group here for a discount.Visit Emily's ETSY store right now and buy some stuff!

🎵 It's Free With Ads, the podcast that asks fans of shaky, fake Southern accents to question, why pay max $10 a month for all the episodes of True Blood when you can watch Skeleton Key on YouTube for free and hear wild attempts at Louisiana accents from people who sound like the farthest south they've ever been is San Diego. I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Emily Fleming. Today's movie is Skeleton Key, the 2005 Southern Gothic haunted house movie about a hospice nurse who moves into a mansion with a secret.

A deadly secret? You bet your sweet Southern ass it is. We're going to talk about this movie, which is, as of this recording, streaming free with ads. But first, we're going to talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week. Emily, this is something that was posted in one of our group chats. Oh, cool. By the great Blaine Kapach. Blaine Kapach, one of the funniest humans.

Great stand-up, great writer. Very true. Great Blaine Kapach. Okay. Blaine Kapach, one of the funniest humans. Great stand-up. Great writer. Very true. And this is a visual thing, but I think it's good enough for me to use this time to describe it.

It is a Reddit post on r slash funny. It is two stills from The Price is Right. Uh-huh. In one still, one of the guys has a homemade shirt. You know how people make the shirts to go to The Price is Right? Yeah. His homemade shirt says, two in the plinko, one in the Stinko. All right. Okay. And the next photo is that same shot, but he has a piece of duct tape over Stinko because I guess someone

noticed it at some point in the taping and just made him tape over it. Do you think everyone knows that joke enough to the point where it would be problematic for people to see it? Like the two in the pink, one in the stink? Yes, I think it is. Yes, I think that's what they were going for. But yeah, I guess apparently not enough people knew. And then probably just like the 19-year-old PA had to go to somebody and say like, oh,

hey, I think this guy's doing something about the shocker. What a narc. I know, right? That PA probably thought that was going to get her a bonus. But hey, I'd like to just encourage everyone with the vagina out there. Start calling it the Plinko. Okay. And open up some doors for game show based dirty talk.

I'd have to change mine from the name Beth. Oh, yeah. And I don't want to. Maybe that's Beth's last name. Beth Plinko? No. Okay. Beth is a one-name girl, just like Cher. Why is it named Beth? Listen, Beth named

herself. I don't ask her. Right. Okay. Because every once in a while she goes Beth. Sorry. Emily, you should see a doctor. Your private shouldn't be saying Beth that much. Yes. Sorry. Emily, you should see a doctor. And then a little dust. Your private shouldn't be saying Beth that much. Like your vagina's a smoker?

Yeah. No, it's just some dust. You got to get one of those compressed air cans in there every now and then. Yeah. Get it up there and then clean off your computer yeah good old beth emily did you see anything good on the internet this um so i i think that we now know that this is fake but i got really excited because on tiktok this guy made a video and he said that hbo max had or max fuck them i'm calling it hbo um had a filter that was the paul giamatti filter and you could

turn it on and every character from everything on hbo would just have paul giamatti's face and i got so excited and i came here with it and y'all were like i don't know if that's real and i went okay and then we looked it up but it's not so if you you guys saw that TikTok, if there's some hidden one out there that you got no coding to find it in the HBO app or something, then let us know. But it's not real. But if you do it through your phone up to the TV,

you could make anything a Paul Giamatti filter. Oh, there you go. Is there a proper Paul Giamatti filter on Instagram? I'm sure that there is some. There's gotta to be. I think you could just create a filter with anyone's face, right? It would make every movie 70% more cranky. Like lovably cranky, though.

Definitely. You're like, I just want to hug him. Oh, boy. I've always wanted Harry Potter to say he's not having any fucking Merlot. Hell yeah. All right. to say he's not having any fucking Merlot. Hell yeah. All right. Well, hey, let's talk about Skeleton Key.

Yay. So I was kind of excited for this movie for two reasons. Okay. One, it's set in New Orleans. I love New Orleans. Yeah. Anything in New Orleans gets an extra point from me. Do you know that I still have a gift that you gave all of the writers at midnight

little gifts from New Orleans? Oh, yeah? I have this necklace. I think it has some kind of Catholic something. It's like a good luck thing. And I still have it and I use it as a bookmark in books I don't read. Have you ever been to New Orleans? I have. I've been once. I saw a live sex show. Oh, my gosh. Yeah yeah is it streaming somewhere free with ads can we review it on the show no I went uh what year was it it was I think 2007 yeah I went for uh St. Patrick's Day weekend I just have a vision of like you going to New Orleans you get off the plane and in an hour you're on a float spraying everyone with a margarita hose. No, I mean I only stayed there for two nights

and I managed to accidentally see a live sex show. What did you think you were seeing? A strip club. I thought I was going with my boyfriend at the time. We walked into a strip club and we were sitting there and no one was there. It was just us. And I was like, what's going on?

And we could hear people, but we didn't know what was going on and the people that you like who worked there like would you like to come see? What's going on back here? I'm like I guess this is if you're at a strip club never go into a second room I know that's what Oprah always says never go to a second location So much wisdom so much wisdom so much wisdom um but yeah we went in there and it was like a couple of doors and stuff and then it was just this kind of shitty bed and two people going at it wow but it wasn't like sexy it was just like you know what what we all look like it's a shame that the bed was shitty they could could at least get a nice, like, you know, canopy bed.

Yeah. I don't think it was that. It was just like a regular kind of metal frame bed. Sure. Oh, you just went to Ikea. I just remember what it smelled like. Oh, boy. Yeah.

We didn't stay long. I have not been to a sex show in New Orleans, but I do love it. My aunt is from New Orleans. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, we would go there on family vacations as a kid. And it always scared me as a kid because the adults are acting weird. Because they were drunk? Because they were drunk.

And the stores would have shirts with naked ladies on them. And I'm like, my mom is with me and I'm looking at a naked lady on a shirt. Like, my mom is with me and I'm looking at a naked lady on a shirt. And it was probably just that thing where, like, you know, a woman with a big butt sat on Bart Simpson and his head's poking out. You know those bootleg Bart shirts? I'm sure that's what it was. But I'm just like, I don't know if I should be seeing this next to mother. So New Orleans always scared me as a kid. And then I remember going back once as an adult and like not being like, oh, God, New Orleans.

All right. And I'm like, oh, this is the world's greatest place. Like it is like it's pure fun. The food's great. Yeah. I'm like all the cliche shit people say about New Orleans is so true. So I love it. And anything that's set there, I'm like, yes, I'm having a good time.

I'm loving this. Yeah. It's it's always it's great setting for for horror movies, I'm having a good time. I'm loving this. Yeah. It's always, it's a great setting for horror movies, I guess. Yeah, totally. Just the complete mix of culture and religion. And swamps. And swamps, yes. What's scarier than a swamp?

Name a biome that's scarier than a swamp. That's true. That's true. Scariest biome. I don't know. Is algae a biome? What's a biome? It's just like, you know, like a, I don't know. Is algae a biome? What's a biome? It's just like you know, like

a, I don't know, Matt, what would be the definition of a biome? It's a world that I use, but I guess maybe I don't exactly know how I'm using it. I feel like a biome is like it's a place where there's biology inside of it. You're right. I guess maybe like, you know,

let's never figure it out let's never figure it out i think i think of like the arctic is a biome yeah a biome is an area classified according to the species that live in that location that sounds right i was right i was using it correctly good for me right smart man um but yeah i i don't know also the historic buildings that still exist there yeah like Of course something's haunted there. The buildings are so old and gorgeous and spooky. I went on a haunted bar crawl in New Orleans. Hey, if it seems like we're avoiding talking about this bad movie, we are.

It sucks. Yeah, it sucks. But I did a haunted bar crawl. It was so much fun. It was one of those things where I was there by myself and I'm like, and I'm like, fuck it, I'm going to do it by myself. I had so much fun. It was one of those things where I was there by myself and I'm like is this a man? And I'm like fuck it. I'm going to do it by myself. I had so much fun. Was it spooky? It was really spooky.

So you went to a bar and they would tell you the murder that happened there. And then you would get the signature drink of the bar. So Aerial Leagues Bar had a signature drink. And there's like six of them. Every bar's signature drink was made with a different liquor. So I was so fucking sick at the end of this,

but I had such a good time. No. Haunted Bar Crawl. If you're ever in New Orleans, do it. The music in New Orleans is legitimately amazing. Oh, yeah. I went there and I saw Slipknot and Lamb of God. Same show.

And it was just incredible New Orleans music. Yes. The rich tradition. The rich tradition of new metal that comes from New Orleans, I think, is vastly understated. Very cool. So, yes, New Orleans is great. And also haunted house movies really scare me. It's like I was like prepared to be really spooked by this. Yeah, I think for me, just like a shot of a long dark hallway is the thing that scares me the most. Interesting.

I like that you're scared of haunted houses. I love them as well. There's some kind of thing that it's called like, oh God, it's like spare rooms or something like that where it's like rooms, like empty malls and stuff like that. Back rooms, it's like spare rooms or something like that where it's like rooms like empty malls and stuff like that. Back rooms. It's called back rooms and it's like creepy pasta kind of in 2019 started it up.

It's like an internet aesthetic like a really spooky aesthetic. So like an empty mall that is just no one's in there and you're by yourself. Yeah. And there's just to think about it. But it's usually empty rooms that feel like they're from maybe the 70s on. So not like a spooky house, just like this office building where people used to drink coffee and be miserable. Or a car wash where everything's orange. Well, maybe, but a lot of times they're also filled with water, so it's like Oh, okay. Yeah, there's busted pipes

and stuff. No, it's like clean. It's really hard to describe. I'll show it to you because it just looks really sterile and kind of bright but you're like, something's in here. I don't know what's in here, but something's in here. But yeah, those scare the shit out of me. It's true.

The empty rooms and things like that, what's around the corner kind of stuff. But yeah, those scare the shit out of me. It's true. The empty rooms and things like that, what's around the corner kind of stuff. Yeah. So yeah, so I was like ready for this movie, but let's talk about what actually happens in the thing. Okay, so our main character, it's Carolyn, played by Kate Hudson. It's Caroline because you hear it a lot.

Excuse me, Caroline. Caroline! Caroline! Caroline! She's a hospice nurse and she cares. Everybody at the hospital is being real, just businesslike toward all the dead people. They're throwing all their stuff in the dumpster

and she takes the box of the dead man's possessions who had just died and she takes it out of the dumpster. I've heard of save the cat but save the box? So this is not important for the rest of the movie. It's just kind of there

to show her character. But yeah, so she cares but is put off by how cold everyone is at the hospital. Yeah, there's like in the dumpster

there's tons of other people's stuff. Right. And it's all about like oh, people, family don't come to like be there when they're dying. Yeah, dying alone stuff. So yeah. So yes, cool, cool main character. They do a pretty good job of setting her up. Later, she's at a very cool New Orleans bar with her friend and she's circling, circling jobs in the old newspaper.

Oh man. Did you ever used to find jobs in the old newspaper. Oh man. On the old newspaper classifieds. Did you ever used to find jobs in the newspaper? Oh yeah, totally. Me too. Yeah. Let's see. I think I found my job at the play company in the newspaper.

What's the play company? Oh, it was a toy store where I worked seasonally. I think we talked about it on the Empire Records episode. Cool. It's where Dave from the Slim Pixies worked. That's cool yeah I found the very first open mic I ever went to for stand-up oh really in 2008 and it was at Springwater Supper Club and Lounge but there was no supper not really a lounge either it was like a biker bar kinda okay and yeah it was rough. I bet.

But I loved it. I wonder if we could find our next job just in a newspaper. I'm going to try that. Yeah, where do we find newspapers? Yeah, the problem is newspapers don't exist anymore. You can't find jobs no more. Right. Yeah.

But I bet just because there aren't a lot of newspapers and probably not a lot of people are looking at them, you could probably find some shady jobs in the back of there now. You could probably find some contract killer work or something. Or there's some billionaire that doesn't know how to use the internet. Oh, right. And they've put it there because they're like, surely someone will see this. Sure. I need a swimming pool tester to come over and test my pool to see if it's relaxing enough for my millionaire's bones.

I'm like, oh, man. If only he had put that on Craigslist. I would have seen it. Yeah. So, yeah, she's circling and she finds a job at an old swamp house. They need a live-in nurse for someone who is dying. She treks out there to the swamp house. It's a beautiful old mansion out there.

Yeah, her friend is like, you don't want to go out there. That's the swamps. Right. Spooky things happen out at the swamps. Sure. And I'm like, what? Frogs and gators. Yeah.

Fan boats. Fan boats. No. Yeah. Some dynasty fuckers. Some guys driving a fan boat around after having three hurricanes. Yeah. That's pretty scary.

In the mansion, the couple that lives there are Violet and Ben. Ben has had a stroke and she's giving him a haircut out on the lawn. I like an outdoor haircut. That's fun. Outdoor haircut. I've had those, kind of. Oh, yeah? Well, I mean, the girl who does my hair, shout out to Caitlin, she used to have kind of an

indoor-outdoor porch situation where she did my hair. Cool. Yeah. So he's getting a haircut, and then their estate lawyer drops by, played by a scars guard. But he's not the kind that you want it to be. Do you have a preferred scars guard? They kind of all run together for me, I'll be honest. Alexander.

Okay. And this one is- From True Blood. And which one is this? I don't think he's related to any of them. He's a SARS guard. A SARS guard. He's not a SCARS guard.

He's a SARS guard. SARS. I feel like a dope. It's okay. I thought he was a SCARS guard too. Oh man, look at me. Thinking a SCARS guard is a SARS guard. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I think he's married- Potato potato though. I think he's married to Maggie Gyllenhaal. I don't know if he still is or not, but I think he is. So we've got Sarsgaard, and he's an estate lawyer, and he comes in and he drops all his stuff. What a clumsy boo.

I know. What a clumsy clumser. And we were talking about this earlier that we're not even going to do a hunk watch for this movie because nobody was into this. I defy anyone to have a sexual feeling watching this movie. Okay, but I'm going to do a drop for it. All right, play the drop. No hunk watch.

There we go. A hunkless film. Yep. So he drops all his stuff. He's clumsy. Oh, my briefcase. My lawyer papers. Oh. Yep. So he drops all his stuff. He's clumsy. Oh, my briefcase. My lawyer papers. Oh.

Yep. And I think he is supposed to be from Louisiana. I'll just say, no one in this movie has a good southern accent. Nope. It just swings and misses all around. Matt, can we play an example of what this guy's southern accent is supposed to sound like? Oh, she does want help. She's just scared.

What? The lightness? No, he's to sound like. Oh, she does want help. She's just scared. Of what? The lightness? No, he's the love of her life and he's dying. They've been together forever. She's losing her soulmate here. I don't know about you, but that put some sandpaper up my ass. Oh, God. It sounds like a hack Jimmy Stewart impression. Oh, I got my bank and there's sandpaper

in my ass and Christmas is coming and my angel's Christmas couldn't happen because there's sandpaper in my ass and Christmas is coming and my angel's Christmas couldn't happen because there's sandpaper in my ass. You know, I've thought about this a lot because I used to want to be an actress. Now I'm not so sure. But I can pretty much only do the accent I have and like kind of ramp it up a little bit, which has a lot of R's, like hard R's in it. But like a lot of these other accents kind of have no R's. They're like, ugh, I can't do that convincingly.

And it's like, you know, rogue. It's very simple to do. Like sugar. Like, gah, there's no R. I'm from New Orleans. See, these joke southern accents you are doing now are better than anything anyone does in this movie. Yeah, they should have just consulted me. They're such miserable.

You should be a dialect coach, Matt. What are you doing here producing podcasts? I'm a SARS guard. Come here. I'll teach you how to do the voice. It sounded like a little Ringo there, actually. It's a similar type. Exactly.

It's a similar type. My favorite thing is that they just, they commented on the fact that she, that our girl Kate Hudson doesn't have an accent from the get-go. But neither do they. I know. It's wild that they like hang a hat on it. It's wild that they point it out. I think it's because she couldn't do it. You don't like that she doesn't have an accent. It's like no one does.

No. He doesn't. Yeah, anyway. I mean, Gina Rowlands did the best out of anybody. Kind of. no one does. He doesn't. Yeah, anyway. I mean, Gina Rollins did the best out of anybody. Kinda. I don't know. You accept it because she's just like magnetic. She has a nice vibe and she kind of

like is acting the part of the, you know, swoony former Southern belle. She's played a couple other Southern kind of, she was in Hope Floats. She plays like Sandra Bullock's mom in that. She's kind of doing a Southern accent there. And then I think she's also in The Notebook, which I think is also Southern.

I can't remember if it's Southern or not. But so she's kind of got this Southern Belle vibe to her. Yeah, sure. She like looks the part. And it's not as egregious as Sarsgaard. Yes, Sarsgaard. Nothing Southern about that guy. And I think at this point, because he's dropping his stuff.

Oh, so clumsy. I think he's supposed to be flirting with Kate Hudson. But they just blankly stare at each other like my cat stares at me when I dance for her. It's just this, like, there's never been less chemistry between two people. Bug doesn't like the dancing? I mean, I think she does, but she just, you know, she's not that expressive. She's not trying to fuck. Yeah, no.

It's not sexy to her. No. I'm a man and she's a cat and I'm her good friend. Exactly. We don't have that kind of relationship. Platonic. If it's a platonic, we're roommates. So, yes.

So, we learn that Ben had a stroke in the attic. The attic. Something's going on in the attic. Does a skeleton key open it? Yes. Oh, all we need to get in that attic is a skeleton key. Yep. The name of the movie. Yes, so all we need to get in that attic is a skeleton key, the name of the movie.

So yes, and it's at this point that Violet mentions to Sarsgaard that she doesn't like Carolyn because she doesn't have a southern accent. Well, neither do you, neither does anyone in this movie. But for some weird reason, Carolyn

gets the job and she goes to like, pack up her car and her friend who we saw in the bar earlier is helping her and there's the weirdest swing at a comedy scene here i guess her friend hates old people matt can you play this little clip oh yeah okay here are my rules no no knitting no joining a bridge club and no playing bingo okay good good rules serious

they'll try and suck you into the elderly ways this is like it's such a it's such a like swing and a miss attempt at comedy I mean

all of those things are fun yeah I know what do you not like about bridge yeah also what kind of old people are you

hanging out with? I hang out with old people who get drunk. Yeah, right? Who drinks harder than an elderly Southern person? Yeah, who's got only a few years left to go. Also, she's a hospice nurse. Isn't she usually around old people? Yeah, that too.

That's also a weird thing. So yeah, I mean, this thing makes no sense. On her way out back to the swamp, she stops by kind of a spooky gas station. Yeah. There's like a lady with white eyes and a guy who is eating oysters with a knife. I think he's the tallest person in the movie. Oh. Tallest guy.

Yeah. He also might be the hottest guy. Yeah, you know what? Go ahead. Let's hunk watch this dude. Let's hunk watch. Yeah, the guy eating oysters with a knife and being creepy and speaking French. And also, that's kind of like sex the way he did it.

Oh, yeah. They're African. There you go. So we've gotten all our segments out of the way with this one guy who has one scene. Thank God. And, you know, like this guy eating oysters with a knife is kind of funny, campy, creepy. Like the movie tries to go there sometimes, but it's never consistent. No.

So like at this point in the movie, I'm like, okay, I got a little hope for this. Yeah. Yeah. I kind of like enjoyed this scene. It was kind of like funny and weird. Spoiler alert. That doesn't go anywhere. Yeah. I know of like enjoyed this scene. It was kind of like funny and weird. Spoiler alert, that doesn't go anywhere. Yeah, I know, nothing goes anywhere. That gas station, so much, so much potential.

Yeah, I think she gets some like spell stuff from them later in the movie. But anyway. So we're back to the mansion. We learn that Violet hates tattoos, but she gives Carolyn the skeleton key, the titular skeleton key. And we also learned the house doesn't have mirrors. We're just getting, we're just, there's dumping foreshadowing on us here.

Yeah, yeah. As soon as the mirrors were up, I was like, I think I feel something coming on. Yeah. Something about youth, something about beauty, something about that. Yes. coming on. Yeah. Something about youth, something about beauty, something about that. Yes. The movie does have a weird twist that I admittedly

didn't see coming, but you kind of know, you kind of know, you know, it's not being subtle with all of these little clues. Well, I do think

the twist was surprising to me, too. The twist was surprising. I'm going to say this is one of those movies that people that talk about this movie that liked it,

the twist is the favorite part right um so yeah so we will get to the twist um we will get we are doing spoilers on this show i think if you've been listening to our show you should know that we're doing that um so yeah so obviously she's she's interested in what's going on in the attic because people are constantly talking about the attic um she goes up there and she hears some spooky banging, kind of like my last date with Tim Burton. Anyway. Which we were talking about how Tim Burton,

he bags the ladies. Tim Burton. He's got Monica Bellucci right now. Sure, they like the wild hair. So yeah, there's a lot of spooky banging up in the attic and there's a locked door that even the skeleton key cannot open. Ooh, what's in there?

This movie has a lot of shots of the cameras in the keyhole and you see the key going in. I do think those are kind of relaxing, nice shots. Yeah, I think that I expected a lot more jump scares in this movie and there really weren't any. Boy, there's nothing. I was not scared by anything in this. There was like a couple of spooky-ish things, like dream sequence things. Oh yeah, sure. There's one jump scare that's in the attic that kind of spooked me a little bit, which is what the key, you got it, it's locked.

So yeah. The attic is where we're trying to get. So, so, so okay. We know something's going on. Later, Kate's Hudson is showering. We see that she does in fact have a tattoo. She's got like a flower on her butt. Uh oh.

Emily, have you ever, have you ever seen someone without their clothes and they've had a secret tattoo? And I'm asking you a question. This is one of those bullshit things where I have a good answer for this, so I'm asking you. Yes. And I don't have any tattoos myself. Yes. Do you? I don't.

Yeah, I don't have any. I'm not against them or anything. I have quite a few. My sister started getting, she's got, I think her legs are totally covered. She's got some on her arms. But she had a secret tattoo for a while, but then my mom found out. Oh, boy. And it wasn't, it was not.

Yeah. She wasn't happy about it. No, man. She got an almost life-size piece of pizza on the back of one calf. Wow. And a taco on the other calf. I mean, what better foods? What better foods?

I think it was funny. I liked it a lot. But I'm trying to think of any ones that are good to describe. There's a guy who, I mean, I was more shocked by the nutsack piercing than I was by the tattoo. He didn't mention the nutsack piercing? No, that's something you just kind of find on your own, I guess. And then he said, what? It's totally normal.

Well, I mean. Don't act weird about my nutsack piercing. You'd be surprised. You don't really think about it. Yeah. Yeah, maybe you don't. Maybe you just kind of forget you have it. Yeah, you kind of go, wow, what a novelty thing.

And then afterwards you forget about it. But he had this giant, I think it's almost a life-size realistic heart that has huge bat wings coming out of it. Wow. And it covers the whole chest. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. One of those. This it covers the whole chest. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

One of those. This guy plays stand-up bass, doesn't he? No, he doesn't. I don't know what he plays. The one that I will always... That's what my dad plays. What the fuck do you mean? I guess I'm thinking of those Psycho Billy guys.

Oh, not a Mike Fleming, the bluegrass player? No, no. Yeah, I guess if you play a stand-up bass, you're either a nice bluegrass musician or a psychobilly guy who greases up his hair and fixes hot rods. Yeah,

exactly. He's in the cherry-popping day. Exactly, yes. These are the two kinds of guys who play stand-up bass. Hell yeah. I was dating someone and discovered a Buzz Lightyear on the ass. No! Yeah. How big?

Pretty big. I wouldn't say life size. Not like action figure size, but like maybe McDonald's toy size? Bigger than a McDonald's toy, smaller than an action figure. Oh, that's still very big. A pretty big Buzz Lightyear. Was it a sober decision that was made? You know, I don't think we got to know each other enough for me to invest.

Did it say like to infinity and beyond and beyond goes into the butthole? That's what Buzz Lightyear was talking about. Beyond has always been the butthole. So yeah, secret tattoos, they're out there. Two in the pink, buzz in the stink. Yeah. Two in the pink and beyond. So she gets out of the shower and Ben is gone.

She doesn't know where he is. She's looking for him in every room in the house and every room in the house just has random spooky stuff in it. Doll heads and a rocking horse that's going by itself. Why is everyone so scared of dolls? I don't know. And these have nothing to do with what the ghost actually ends up being. It's like you just have doll heads around.

Later on I may come back to that. Okay, yeah, yeah. If you have an explanation for the doll heads other than they're just like hack, core, set dressing. I would love to hear it. I think they're hack, but I also just have some thoughts about it. Okay, okay. But yeah, I have a doll. I've talked about her.

She's an American Girl doll, and I leave her on my bed. Yeah. Sometimes I sleep with her because I get lonely. Yeah. Like an old lady in a hospice. But I leave her on the bed because I feel like it's the best security system. If someone breaks into my apartment and sees that doll,

they're going to be like, I'm out. Okay, so you think they're just trying to scare off burglars? Yeah, I think that it's like you're getting a hex. Right. If my American Girl doll sees you. Oh. So I like that of like, instead of just installing a security system,

just put hack horror set dressing around your house. Yeah. So just hire a woman in a wedding dress to walk around your yard at night. That's probably the only time I'll wear a wedding dress. Sure. You don't have to do it yourself. You hire someone to do it for your own security. Well, come on.

I like doing theater things. Okay. You can keep away your own burglars with your own ghost pranks. And I'll tase them. Sure. Ooh, some say if you get too close to the bride, she will tase you on the night of the full moon. With an $18 pink sparkly taser from Amazon. So Ben's on the roof.

He's trying to get out of the house. Played by John Hurt. We should say that. I know. Geez. Just like the most thankless role. And also he didn't have to have much of an accent

because he barely talks. That's right. He is like catatonic the whole movie. He is. But amazing performance. Yeah. Truly amazing.

And he does seem like haunted and terrified. So yeah. So I think I think yeah I think there's a good performance there from him. Yes.

And yeah. What a nice way to get a paycheck. He's just to be in bed and just scream. I don't know. He's like, he's shaking. It looks like it's actually a physically demanding performance. Yeah, no, you're probably right. Yeah.

So yeah, so at some point John Hurt wrote, help me on a sheet, right? And that's when Carolyn begins to suspect, ooh, maybe it's Violet. Maybe it's the wife who's doing this. Yep. She tries to show Sarsgaard, but the help me sheet is gone. And they're, like, in some, like, side little bedroom.

And Violet comes in, and she's, like, acting all judgy, like, what were y'all doing in the side bedroom? And my southern accent there is now better than hers. Yep. the side bedroom. And my southern accent there is now better than hers. Yep. And she's like,

but also, like... They're sitting on the bed so it looks like it could be something. Right. But there's no chemistry. There's so little chemistry.

It is about as hot as like returning something to Target. Like that is their energy. Oh, hang on. Okay. Maybe he likes returning something to Target. If it's an exchange, which boy, exchanges. Oh, hang on. Okay, well, maybe he likes returning something to Target.

If it's an exchange, which boy, exchanges. Oh, yeah. We'll talk about that later. Okay, oh, yeah, sure. This movie has some exchanges. But also, is she supposed to be his mom? Is Gina Rowland supposed to be Sarsgaard's mom? I don't know.

Because he says to her, you're the only woman for me. So, I mean, I think we learn later that they are actually in some sort of relationship. But I think at this point in the movie, we just think he's her estate lawyer. Oh, okay. But they're acting, like, creepy with each other. Oh, okay. So Carolyn's on the hunt. She, like, picks the lock to the door she can't get in.

And she just finds more, like, hack horror set dressing. There's a spooky record that's like playing these like weird chants. Yeah. And there's these books about these protection rituals. So we're kind of learning more about the stuff that's going into this. And then we hear someone freak out downstairs. Apparently she hung up a mirror and so Violet's freaking out because no mirrors, no mirrors in my house.

And then we kind of get the dump of the backstory, right? Which in hindsight, I don't know why she tells her this story because it helps her get caught. But so I guess what happened in this house, the version we get. I know why she told her. Oh, yeah. OK. So in the like back in the great Gatsby days. Yes.

There was a big party. The 20s, I guess. I think so. I think that's what it's supposed to be.by days. Yes. There was a big party. The 20s, I guess? I think so. I think that's what it's supposed to be. Yeah, 1920s. Yeah. So people are having

a big party at the house and these servants at the house are watching the kids and they supposedly know magic and they find these servants

upstairs in the attic like doing a magic spell on the kids. Kind of ritualistic. Kind of ritualistic. I know. There's like pentagrams on the ground. Kind of ritualistic. Kind of ritualistic. I know. There's like pentagrams on the ground and stuff.

Yeah. And they, the people at the party drag the servants outside and they hang them and burn them. It is so horrific. It is.

It does not belong in this movie. It is so like, and again, nothing in this movie scared me, but this was like shocking and upsetting.

And I do think we should mention that it is, this is a story that takes place in the South before the civil rights movement. These servants were black and they were definitely white, Southern, awful people who killed them. Yes. And I don't think the movie is saying this is good, but it is pretty fucking icky. Yeah, it's gross. Yeah, it's gross and weird and shocking. Especially since there hasn't been anything scary so far. Yeah, I know. So it's a horror film,

and the first thing that is upsetting is something that doesn't feel, like it feels weird to make that your scary part. I know, yeah, it's just something that reminds you of our shameful history. Right. Yes. So anyway, so that happens and then, you know, we're kind of... She's saying don't go in the attic

because this is like a curse. There's something horrible, the ritual with the kids and everything that happened was up in that attic, so don't touch that attic because whatever's in the house, we just let it be here. We don't disturb them. And I guess that whatever entity from that night

is in the attic, so don't fuck with the attic. Don't fuck with the attic. Okay, no, this is making more sense to me. So Carolyn goes out to get some magic stuff. She's not a believer, but she's like, oh, whatever Ben has, it's psychosomatic. So I'm going to like do these magic spells and just kind of like pay lip service to it. And maybe that will help. Yeah.

I kind of like that as an angle. It's like, how do you get the non-believing character to actually buy into the like supernatural stuff? To help somebody. Yeah. And, you know, it kind of goes along with her character. And she is like very like cold and closed off for the movie. So it's like, wait, isn't this supposed to be the nice? Anyway, yeah.

She cares about people. She does. She does. But I do like that because they say that people with dementia or if, you know, there are hallucinations and things, it's better to kind of go along with it somewhat instead of denying it. So yeah, I thought that was a good angle. Yeah, that was cool. And yeah, I like that as the explanation for why she's going along with this. Yes.

But she is a non-believer. Yes. And so she starts to have these bad dreams. And in one of the bad... So she's basically just like replaying the stock footage from the party flashback in her mind. Yeah. playing the stock footage from the party flashback in her mind.

Yeah. Well, then there's the, she ran into in the attic, this like mannequin with a sewed up mouth and sewed up eyes. Right. And it's like a giant looking potential voodoo doll. Okay. But it's gigantic. Right. I don't know.

Most of the like, you know, American Horror Story coven and the voodoo dolls I've seen are little guys. Yeah. Usually the size of a Barbie. Sure. What was that big ass one up there? Yeah, you know, I guess you just have a lot of- Yeah, usually they're the size of a Buzz Lightyear ass tattoo.

Sure, exactly. It's not like a huge mannequin. So she, in her dream, is getting her mouth shown up. There's this kind of, sort of jump scare where she sits up in bed and her mouth is sewn shut. Yeah. Which is like. And her eyes. Kind of scary.

Very. That was the scariest part for me. Yeah. Scariest part. It doesn't have a lot to do with like what's actually going on in the movie. And it does seem to me like it was some sort of like reshoot thing. Like they realized the movie wasn't scary and like just do a thing where she looks like a silent character.

like they realized the movie wasn't scary and like, eh, just do a thing where she looks like a silent character. Well, I thought it was kind of we're trying to is there a curse that's kind of happening to her? Right. Like, or something because when she goes to try to find you know, like play along

with John Hurt, the old guy's thing, it's like there's something in the house that's doing this to him. Yeah. You know. So it's like,'s something in the house that's doing this to him yeah you know so it's like is the house doing something to her is that why she's having visions in her dreams or is she just kind of losing it yeah um so so yeah so this is like kind of an effective creepy scene in some ways um she goes back to the gas station we mentioned. She gets some spell stuff from them. She goes back to the house, and Violet is acting really creepy.

She is chopping the fuck out of a chicken. She is just chopping a chicken. That's Southern lady for you. Yeah, I know. They love to dismember and decapitate chickens. I've never killed a chicken. Oh, yeah? I have killed a rabbit.

I thought you were Southern. I know. I've never killed a chicken. Oh, yeah? I have killed a rabbit. I thought you were Southern. I know. I've never killed a chicken. I did it for, I went to, let's see, Heifer Project International, which is still probably my favorite charity. I hope it's still okay. Matt, can you check and see if Heifer Project International is still fucked up? I'll check it out. Thank you.

So basically, they have a, in Arkansas, they have like a home base and they use the home base. It's like a farm to educate you about what they do. But mainly it's like, so instead of sending just food or money to help with hunger issues in third world countries, you actually, when you donate money, you send livestock. Oh, that's nice. So that it can, it's like a gift that keeps giving okay so like if you send um a rooster and a bunch of hens like maybe they'll reproduce and there's eggs and then they teach you how to use manure to

like harvest crops and stuff like that and i i loved it i thought it was fun i made i milked a goat it's still around yeah i milked a goat made goat cheese while i was there but we did this thing where you stay in the global village and they have reproductions of housing from all the countries that they work with oh cool and i stayed in the guatemala house which was like the nicest one and they give you rations so you had for the week like everybody's staying in the different houses, you trade. And then like, you know, one person can cook or wash dishes or whatever. We had a live rabbit that you could choose to kill and eat.

Okay. And, but if you did choose that, a person from, you know, the organization would come to do it but there was a ritual so to pay like you know respects to the rabbit to be like thank you so much for what you're about to give us and all this stuff and then they tie the rabbit's legs to two trees and then and then they hit it with a car no yeah well then they like break its neck and my little sister was like 11 and she came and watched and we were both just fascinated with it. Other people were crying, but me and Bryn were like, interesting. Oh, boy. But yeah, and I helped cook it.

Okay. So I know, I'm not saying I like, I'd want animals to be tortured, but it's just like, it's good to know where your meat comes from. That's the only thing. Oh, yeah. And I've shot a dove. Okay. Yeah. Why? I went dove hunting in Arkansasansas i was that was the point it wasn't it wasn't trying to rob you yeah fucking

i punched it in the face no i had a i went to college in arkansas me and a dove were cleaning a gun and it went off well i've okay so i had a boyfriend in Arkansas where I went to college, and I went dove hunting with him and some of his friends. And then I learned how to skin it, take the breast out, and then get the shrapnel out of that, and then wrap it in bacon and eat it. Okay. And it was pretty good. Just like our ancestors did.

And then I worked at a taxidermy place. I actually do have a lot of experience with killing shit. So, yeah. So, basically the only thing you haven't done is chop up a chicken. That's right. Yeah, so she's chopping up a chicken in a very intense way. What a fucking roundabout story. So she's chopping, she's acting creepy. I guess it's like Carolyn has decided that Violet is the bad guy. I mean. And I guess I don't know

why other than how she's acting. Or because he said help me. Yeah I guess she's just like still going on. There's not very many people in the movie. Right. So it's like it's this lady. I know it is kind of like the main character is watching the movie with us and it's like this woman's acting creepy. I'm gonna drug her. Yeah. So she injects these sugar cubes with some sort of drug. Yeah. She's a nurse. She probably has access to this stuff. Boy, get me those sugar cubes.

Yeah, if you're out there. Give me a sugar cube. You're having trouble sleeping. I have a hard time sometimes. Drugged sugar cubes. I got those nightmares about having my lips sewn shut. Yeah, right? Oof, I hate those. Drugged sugar cubes. I got those nightmares about having my lips sewn shut. Yeah, right? Oof, hate those.

Get some sugar cubes. Okay, so we're getting to the bad conclusion of this crummy movie. But before we get to that, we're back. It's Free With Ads. We're talking about Skeleton Key. Okay. She's trying to drug Violet with these sugar cubes, and it's kind of slapstick. She's like, don't you want more sugar for your tea?

And she's like, I don't think I'll have sugar. And she's like, but you always have sugar. Not tonight, I won't have the sugar. It's just like fucking maddening. Yeah, and then there's a gumbo thing where she made her gumbo, and's like why won't you they're both trying they're both trying to drug each other and it's like that could be funny in another movie i guess but it's just like and they are they're both doing it the same way and it's like aren't you learning from the other person they can't do it to you so maybe let's try a different it's exactly like what you were saying jordan it's

also violet knows she's in a movie and she's like, that's the good guy. And they're trying to drug me. Everyone knows they're in a bad movie. Sure. Yeah. The only reason anyone would be acting this way is if they had watched the movie. Yeah. John Hurt read the script and he said, I'm not talking.

Sure. Take out all my lines. I will scream. I will scream. I will scream and I will write, help me on a sheet. I'll also take a bath for a little bit. Kate Hudson has to give me a bath. That's the only way I'm doing this movie. Honestly,

that's the payment. It might be my writer. The woman bathing me has to be a blonde. Sure done. Hurts a nice guy. I want Goldie Hawn from 20 years ago. We could do that. We could do that. We found a blonde. Sure done, Hurts a Nice Guy. I want Goldie Hawn from 20 years ago. We could do that. We could do that.

We found a clone. How would you feel about getting a bath from Oliver Hudson? He's great. Fun Instagram presence. Okay, so, you know, they're having this poison duel with each other. It's not really going anywhere. At some point, Violet goes to the bathroom and Carolyn just pours all of the knockout juice into her tea.

It happens. She knocks her out. She grabs Ben. They try and escape in her VW Bug, but they crash, and Carolyn just escapes into the swamp. She just gets in a rowboat and just goes out into the most haunted area possible. No kidding. I guess it's better than the house, though.

Yeah. area possible. No kidding. I guess it's better than the house though. Some people think that there is that kind of curse, the dust that was supposed to keep people away, like the gas station where she went. Right.

The brick dust that keeps the enemies away. They can't cross that line. They think that maybe John Hurt's character can't leave because he is cursed to stay on so they crashed because he can't he can't leave it's almost like I looked at Instagram

70 times while watching this movie oh my god well I watched a bunch of weird recap stuff after this to try to see like you know what was this part I don't know what this was so there's a theory that that's what that was. I know, I like that.

Yeah, so she has a bunch of spells, and yeah, one of the things is this brick dust that's supposed to keep people out. She'll use that later. So yeah, she goes into the swamp, and she goes to Sarsgaard's house, and she finds a bunch of surveillance photos of herself. They've been watching her.

So yeah, finally, and Matt brought this up before we started recording, of like, this guy is so creepy. There's just no way he could be the romantic lead of a movie. You're just waiting for him to like creep out.

Yeah, I mean, it's like, he and Maggie Gyllenhaal are married, and that's the only person I could see him being married to, because she's got a little bit of a vibe too. Sure, yes. Only, yeah, he's like and that's the only person I could see him being married to, because she's got a little bit of a vibe, too. Sure, yes.

Only, yeah, he's like, who's the most haunted woman I could marry? And the way that it is pointed out that he might be the bad guy is in the background, Aiko is playing. That's... Yeah. I have a clip of that. of that. Which just makes you want to go drink.

I hate you. I'm sorry. Nothing evil could happen while Desert Rose is playing. No, nothing. Only an orgy where everyone's wearing linen. It's the only thing that could possibly happen while Desert Rose is playing. The worst material for an orgy. Right.

Take my penis out of my linen pants, but don't take off the pants. Oh, shit, the drawstring. It always gets so tight. I hope you don't have plans for the next five hours. I'm Sting. Do you have a steamer? This gets so wrinkly so fast. It's so hard to get cum out of linen.

What voice is this? Sting, obviously. It's Sting. It's me, Sting. How do you get cum out of linen? Are you selling Scruff McGruff? Give me back my cum. Remember, say no to drugs.

And find yourself a dry cleaner who can keep his mouth shut when you bring him your linen pants that are covered in cum. We love Sting on this podcast. Say no to drugs. Oh! All right. So So to drugs. Shit. All right. So, Sars guard's bad. He starts to strangle her, and she wakes up.

She's back at the house. Well, he drives her. He drives her. Yeah. She's got to know how. Why did they have to do that scene? We don't need to see how you transported her back. I know.

There's so many weird steps in this. It's like, she can find the surveillance photos at the house. Yes. There doesn't need's so many weird steps in this. It's like, we didn't need, like, just, she can find the surveillance photos at the house. Yes. There doesn't need to be all these steps. Yes. She doesn't need to, like,

row a boat out into the swamp and then go back to the house. Yeah. It's way too complicated. I agree. So she escapes and she, she throws Violet down the stairs

and so for the rest of the movie, Violet is just dragging herself, which is actually kind of cool. It's kind of scary. And yelling for the rest of the movie, Violet is just dragging herself, which is actually kind of cool. It's kind of scary. And he's yelling, Caroline! Yes. Caroline!

It is Caroline all damn day. And so she's running into the attic, the most haunted place in this haunted fucking house. Oh my God, what is she doing? Yeah, horror movie cliche,

I know, but come on, don't go in back there. Jump out a window, bitch. Jump out a window. Go back into your swamp boat. Yes. I would have jumped out a window. I think that I have a lot of dreams. Do you have a lot of dreams where someone's chasing you up the stairs in a house? And no, I have dreams where I've agreed to play in a band and I don't know how to play the instrument. I lie and say I can play the

instrument and then we get on stage and I can't play it. That's my recurring dream. Oh, my God. I definitely have one where I'm like, I got to jump from a height or something to get away from something, and I always do it. I always go,

this is better than whatever the fuck the other thing is. You can do it. Kate Hudson can do it. Yeah, she just didn't do it. Just run into the attic. Instead, she got a phone. Yeah. Yeah, I know. And it's kind of funny to watch this Instead, she got a phone. Yeah. Yeah, I know.

And it's kind of funny to watch this movie, which feels and looks pretty modern. It's 2005. Yeah, it's 20 years old and there's no cell phones. Cell phones could have fixed this movie. Anyway, yeah. So she finds the one phone that's working. She calls her friend. She calls the cops.

But then they break in. She's kind of trying to like create this spell circle she's cutting off her own hair and like cutting her hand to put blood in the circle and i'm like this has the potential to be a cool scene like yeah someone frantically trying to cast a spell while people are trying to get in but it's just like so inert and boring yeah um, and so Violet gets up there and pushes a ghost mirror at her. Yeah. And the ghost mirror just has all the ghosty characters we've seen so far.

Yep. And then it hits her, and then she wakes up, and we get to learn the twist. Okay. Here's the twist. The twist. Here's what the twist was.

Okay. So I guess back at the Gatsby party, the servants put their souls into the little kids, and they've been jumping bodies ever since. So these are the souls of the servants. One of them is in Sarsgaard, and one of them is in Violet, and they're trying to put the Violet soul into Kate Hudson

so they can have a more age-appropriate romance. Yeah, I wonder if he just didn't want to bang, you know, he's like, I'm not. Yeah. I don't want to bang you, you attractive older woman. Sure. It's like, listen, Sarsgaard. Yeah, you should be so lucky.

Exactly. You should be so lucky. Exactly. You should be so lucky. Yeah. Well, I think it's more not just like an age-appropriate relationship. I think it's just to live longer. Yeah. So I think they are trying to live forever by finding new people to possess. Body hopping.

Body hopping. And that's why they don't have the mirrors because they don't like that they're aging. Yeah. And I was like, that doesn't work. And so that's the twist. And okay. I guess I didn't see it coming. I guess it's kind of cool.

I'm not the smartest guy in the world to talk about this, but I think it should be said that like, we have a movie set in Louisiana, pretty much everybody in it is white and the villains are the ghosts of black people who don't talk. So it's a little icky. Yes. It's a little icky. Yes.

It's a little icky. Not my favorite feeling. Yeah. I, you know, this kind of fucking sucks. Jordan Peele did it better with Get Out. Yes. He used the same kind of thing in terms of the body swapping, but there was an actual point to it.

Sure. A message to it. And there was some commentary other than pretty fucked up yeah it wasn't you know like yeah southern black people doing magic is the bad guy yeah like that's a strange bad guy so yeah and um yeah it's it's pretty interesting something else fucked up i realized is so the legend the legend the story of how it all began, the two people who were body hopping, when they did the magic in the 20s with the kids at the party, the two kids of their bosses, you know, somebody was hung and burned. And that means the children were in the bodies of the servants and were burned. Oh, boy.

It's so fucked up. Anyway, that's the twist. And at some point her friend comes and she's like, I don't know what possessed me. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Oh, my God. Movie's over. Oh, God.

And then we find Kate Hudson's character has inherited the house, but it's really... Rights. It's really... Right. It's really our villains. So, yeah, there you go. That's the skeleton key. You know, at this point you realize we didn't like a lot of stuff in this movie, but I do think there's a couple of good lines. Yes.

Here's mine. This is after she pushes Violet down the stairs and she's like dragging herself through the house. She says this. My child, I believe you broke my leg. So this is from a campier, funner version of this movie that like Sam Raimi directs or something. Where it's 10 out of 10 southern and everybody's crazy I don't know there's a fun version of this story but this movie isn't

it yeah I um my quote that made me chuckle or frustrated this really made me frustrated when Caroline is calling her friend when she's up trying to go up in the attic and get away from the bad guys she calls her friend who's her friend warned her about getting into the like witchy magical stuff like don't mess with it don't mess with it she knows

all about the stuff that's going on with her in this house she knows where she is where she works what's been going on and her in this house. She knows where she is, where she works, what's been going on. And so when she calls her friend, her friend annoys me. What time is it? Jill.

Jill. Carrie? Jill, I'm in trouble. Caroline. It's real. It's all real. You're where? What?

I'm in a devro house what's real what what's real what what I know she's come on you're in a haunted house she's been telling you how it's haunted yeah I know you're where the only place that

she lives and works you're not there with those old people eating hard candies and watching Price is Right, are you? I hate old people. You're probably getting an AARP discount. Yeah, they do not know what to do with this friend character. Where are you? What?

I'm getting murdered at the murder house. If my friend called me and was like, it's all real, I'd go, okay, I'm on my way. Sure. It wouldn't be like, even if I didn't know what was going on, I'd be like, okay, where are you right now? I'm going to call the cops. What are you doing? What? What?

It drove me fucking nuts. Okay, so we're going to rank this movie. Spoiler alert, it's getting perfect tens from both of us. Oh, God. But first, we're going to take a little break. We're back. It's Free With Ads. We are now going to rank Skeleton Key on a scale of 1 to 10 super loud commercials.

I've been thinking a lot about how we've been ranking movies on this show and i'm trying to like and i'm trying to like establish some consistency because i'm like okay what are the worst movies we've watched so far like grease 2 was pretty bad but it's kind of fun in parts i'd watch it again yeah and like he's just not that into you is pretty bad but like has a couple of those fun scenes with like fun character actors and you know just some general movie starness from everybody in the movie um and i'm like this doesn't have any of that this is like a bad movie it's it's ineffective as a horror movie it is a little bit

icky with its politics yeah like i i don't know if there's any reason to watch this movie. I think I said at the top that I'm giving it an extra point because it's set in New Orleans and I just like seeing New Orleans. Yeah. So this movie, from me, gets a zero. Wow. Because I was going to rank it negative one. Wow.

And so with its New Orleans setting point, I think this is a zero for me. I just don't think there's any reason to watch it. Wow. Yeah, I get it. There's so many other movies. I would watch He's Just Not That Into You ten times before I would watch this movie again. I like this better than He's Just Not That Into You. Okay, I think that's fair.

I think I'd give this a three. Okay. I like the twist. I like a spookier, like, it kind of reminds me, at this time period, there were a lot of movies that were more atmospheric, kind of. Like, What Lies Beneath was something that happened in the early 2000s that was, like, kind of eerie and spooky. And then it ramps up and there's a little bit of a twist kind of thing. I don't know. I think this is kind of a beloved movie by a lot of people because they love the twist so much. So I'm going to give it a three.

I definitely would rather watch this than He's Just Not That Into You. Okay. I never want to see that movie again. If it's even in the background at a party, I will throw my shoe at the television. That's fair. So I don't even remember what I gave that movie. Probably three. But I'm going to go ahead and retroactively take that shit down to a one.

Okay. I have a theory about this movie. Yeah, sure, Matt. I do too. What's yours? That it was a movie that was written based on the idea of a skeleton key. Because they're like, well, skeletons a skeleton key. Mm-hmm. Because they're like, well, skeletons are pretty spooky.

Oh, yeah. And a skeleton key kind of implies haunted house. What if we do something with that? And then a couple guys on a lot of cocaine were like, I think we could beat this out, and they did. Yeah. Because this movie... We'll get you the script at the end of this long weekend it really should have utilized the idea of a skeleton key maybe at all but instead it was

the skeleton key that didn't open certain doors which makes it pick the fucking lock makes it not a skeleton yeah that's true the one of the first things we learn is that this skeleton key doesn't open certain doors. So, like, it's not that. Yeah, it's literally... There's no skeleton key in skeleton key. No, there's not. Unless it was the friends we made along the way. Ah, yes, the key

was the friends we made in the swamp before we put our bodies into the... God, that's so true. There's a couple of things I've been thinking about since seeing the movie. I think it's important to point out John Hurt, whose character is, you know, basically catatonic throughout the whole movie.

So, Sarsgaard is the lover, the husband of Gina Rowland's character, whatever, in a young body. Right. And so he's the, oh God, explain. So John Hurt is basically the younger guy trapped in the old guy's body. So now we've got Kate Hudson in the older woman's body and now catatonic. Sure. So that's who John Hurt is.

He's a body swap victim. Yes. So I at first was like, who the fuck is this old guy? Oh, it took me a minute to remember. Yeah, sure. His soul has been taken out of his body. Got it. And also I was thinking about this.

So Gina Rowland's character is was the little girl that, you know, when they had there's the little girl and the little boy who i think were siblings and now there's lovers who are in their bodies wait you're that's right so that means there was incest going on also right but spiritually it was totally above board yeah but physically physically they were you know where it counts the most right yeah um it okay i'm taking away my new orleans point this is a negative one this is a negative one negative so there's that so it's like the two of them were in siblings bodies fucking creepy but also that means two um you know magical beings could not really use magic

until they were older. They had to live in a house with their parents and just walk around being kids for a while. So that's where I think the baby dolls and shit came from. Those were probably the toys they were left with when they had to be those kids and they're like these fucking stupid

baby dolls. I'm not a kid and they're like you know bashing that up but i like the idea because i also think that they probably because in the community when they were their original um selves they i think were you know kind of shamans or religious figures within that part of the community and then when they disappeared or whatever, I like imagining that they're the two little white kids going out and then talking to their community. And they're like, okay, really?

And they're like, yep, you like my little bow? You know, just kind of this thing. My little sailor suit that I wear. My little sailor suit. Yeah. And I think that, like, you know, I could see how there's a little bit of fun in, knowing the twist and like going back through the movie and go, okay, this is what was really happening. This is what was really happening.

But like that would mean watching the movie again. And I never want to do that. But yeah. But I think I bet if you are a real skeleton key head. Yeah. And there is some fun in going back and doing the puzzle. Yeah. I think that and then the bad southern accents and everything.

And the bad southern accents. And her going, she doesn't have a southern accent. And it's like, but if your soul goes in there, don't you think your voice would be the same? Yeah. Great question. Yeah. Is it just her mouth muscles suck and she can't do a southern accent so you don't want her body? Oh, I have an explanation for that.

Oh, yeah. Oh, really? It's a bad movie. Oh! Right, right, right. That makes sense. Sorry, I'm getting a little too into the justification about it. Well, that's Skeleton Key.

We didn't like it. Hey, Emily. What's up? You up to anything this week that people should check out? So, yesterday was my birthday. How was it? It was great we recorded this in advance so i don't fucking know um you know it'd be really great for my birthday is if

you go check out my friend caitlin riley she's an amazing artist she does very tiny little miniature paintings that are just gorgeous on matchbooks. And she's done a couple of me and we have reproductions of them. You can look at her Instagram at King Margo and or you can look at my page. I'll probably have links to it and stuff, but I'd love it because it's supporting an artist friend of mine and also me. Yeah. These matchbook paintings are really, really cool. They are definitely check them out. Definitely go to that Instagram. They're awesome. Really impressive. Yeah. And that's and also me. Yeah, these matchbook paintings are really, really cool. They are cool. You should definitely check them out.

Definitely go to that Instagram. Yeah. They're awesome. Really impressive. Yeah, and that's it for me. Yeah, speaking of things that are happening on our birthdays, on my birthday, May 3rd, on May 3rd and 4th, I'm going to be at the Y'all West Festival in Santa Monica. That is a YA book festival.

I'm going to be there signing books and doing talks and stuff like that. Yeah, so you can come out to that if you are in Southern California. I want to come. Yeah, totally. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. They've got a great lineup of authors. You can see them at yallwest.com slash authors. But if you are not in Southern California, what you can do is you can go to that page,

yallwest.com slash authors. You can click on my page or any of the authors that are going to be there. And if you buy books through their site, the money goes into programs that get books to kids in underfunded public schools. So you get a book, you get it delivered to your house, just like you would if you bought it on Amazon, and it supports a good cause. And I think they're even discounted. So you can go to yallwest.com slash authors

or the link in the show notes. I'm going to have Matt drop a link to my page in the show notes. And if you want to pre-order my new one, Youth Group, or get a copy of my old one, Bubble, you can get it there and the money goes to a good cause.

And it's a little bit discounted too. Yeah, and Matt's birthday is May 2nd. Matt, really? That's right. What should people do for your birthday? You can find me on May 4th at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse having a

steak with my twin sister, Diana. Oh, yeah. Is that a tradition? No, but it's going to be fun. And expensive. And listeners can come to Ruth's Chris and see you there? Do not go. If you see me, avert your eyes. I do not like to be looked at while I eat a steak.

Yeah. It's funny. All of our birthdays are pretty close together. Yeah. It's fun. We should start a podcast. We're all just a bunch of messy tourists. Our parents fucked around the same time.

That's true. Good for them. Good for them. Woo! Well, that's Free With Ads. And next week, something very special. We are going to watch a movie picked by a listener. That's right.

People who supported Maximum Fun during the Max Fun Drive. Thank you very much, by the way. Yes, thank you. Really cool that y'all supported the network and that y'all supported our show. We love it. It feels great. Yeah, so we're going to pick one lucky listener to pick our movie for next week, and you're going to have to tune in

to find out what that is and who it is. It could be you, but it probably won't. Bye! Bye. Bye. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network. Stay with us.