Free With Ads - Timecop (1994) starring Jean-Claude Van Damme

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

It's finally here! The first ever episode of Free With Ads with your hosts Emily Fleming and Jordan Morris! Deep within the ad-supported bowels of YouTube, we found the classic 90's sci-fi martial arts thriller action movie Timecop starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Ron Silver.Please pre-order "Youth Group" on Booksoup and get a signed and personalized message from Jordan Morris! Please keep it PG-13 but feel free to make it weird! DIRECTIONS: When you are purchasing it on Booksoup, at the end of the shopping cart page you can write what you want Jordan to say in the section that says “Use this area for special instructions or questions regarding your order."

🎵 Hi, everybody. Hi, Emily. Hi. Welcome to Free With Ads. That's the podcast we're doing right now. Uh-huh. On this show, we ask the question, why pay Disney Plus 15 bucks a month to watch Tom Hiddleston travel through time when you can go on YouTube for free and watch Jean-Claude Van Damme

kick guys in the face during the Great Depression. Okay. Hey, this is our podcast. We review the sometimes insane, sometimes brilliant, always free movies you can watch online for the low, low price of 7,000 super loud ads. I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Emily Fleming.

Today's movie is Time Cop, released in 1994 and directed by Peter Hyams. It's H-Y-A-M-S. I'm sorry, Peter. I don't know how to say your name. This action thriller stars Jean-Claude Van Damme as Max Walker, an agent at the Time Enforcement Commission, a branch of law that polices time travel. And he'll have to travel through time, not to anywhere interesting, but to save his murdered wife and stop Senator McComb, played by Ron Selver, hubba hubba, from rigging a presidential

election. Hey, we're going to talk about Time Cop. We're super excited about it. But before we get to Time Cop, which I think we're very excited to do. Really excited. I watched it three times. Wow. That's too many. I know.

It was free. Time Cop was free and that's why we love it. But there's a lot of great free content out there on the internet and we've seen some of it. We're going to talk about some of the best other free stuff we saw on the internet this week. I'm going to go first. Emily, I don't know when this podcast will come out, but we are recording it betwixt the time of Halloween and Christmas.

Do you think that we're a betwixt podcast? That's so fancy. No, we're saying betwixt. Oh, my God. I'm going to say it any chance I get. Oh, my God. I'm going to have to step up my game. So we're in that time between Halloween and Christmas.

I don't acknowledge Thanksgiving. Whatever. Oh, my God. You're so cool. Yeah. I know. I don't believe in Thanksgiving. Oh, a holiday about genocide.

You want to have your turkey while the- Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Excellent takes. I'm snapping over here. Thank you, Nat. I have the best takes.

Hey, that voice you're hearing, by the way, is the third piece to our wacky little puzzle. He's a stand-up comic. He's the producer of Jordan, Jesse, Go. He's a regular on Good Mythical Morning, and he is our super producer, Matt Lieb. Hey, Matt. Hey. I'll occasionally be popping in from time to time. Love you guys. Love you, Matt. I'll occasionally be popping in from time to time. Love you guys.

Love you too. We're good friends. I don't know. But I mean, we might get there. We might get there. We might get there. Okay, wait. What were we talking about?

Yes. Halloween and Christmas. There is actually a perfect song for this moment that we're in. Okay. And it's not a song that really caught on, but I found it this week and I thought it was just perfect. You know the Monster Mash, right? Of course. I was working in a lab late one night and, you know, my eyes beheld, et cetera.

It's a jam. It's a bop. It's a jam. It is the only, like, Halloween song to ever stick. Halloween song to ever stick. But the guy who wrote it, Bobby Boris Pickett, is kind of a fascinating character because he kind of spent his life just like trying to recapture the success of the Monster Mash. He recorded albums and albums of monster related songs. None of them ever got to the point that the Monster Mash did.

But he tried and he, you know and he stuck to what he knew. Okay. And I think there's something amiable about that. I don't know any of his other songs, so I can't imagine what this is. So there's a Monster Swim, which is like a parody of beach songs. There's the Monster Rap, which came in the 80s. Oh, no. But the one I want to play is Monsters Holiday.

Thank God. This is the Bobby Boris Pickett Christmas follow-up to the Monster Mash that came out the same year. Monster Mash was a huge hit, and he's like, get into the studio, get the backup singers, we got to record another one. So this is his holiday song that for some weird reason isn't on the radio, you know, starting every year at November 1st.

This is Monsters Holiday. It was the night before Christmas when all through the castle, my monsters were in a yuletide hassle. The tree was all trimmed in a yuletide hassle. How long is this song? A Yuletide Hassle. How long is this song? Oh, it's 15 minutes long. No. No, it's not. It's like three minutes long.

I don't. Okay, same backup singers. All right. I think it works. Matt, you can cut it off there. I don't want to. Oh, Matt. Matt.

Okay, it wasn't unlistenable, but it is the same song. It is. Oh, Matt. And Rob Santa's name. Okay, it wasn't unlistenable, but it is the same song. It is. It's the same bubbling noise. There's that same laboratory bubbling noise, and then just they put Christmas chimes over it. It's such an amiable example of staying in your lane. Yeah. As creative people realize, like, how can I branch out?

I don't want to get pigeonholed. This guy's like, fuck it. Put me in the monster hole. Christmas, Valentine's Day, Groundhog's Day. I love it. The monsters will celebrate them all. But what I was just thinking is, oh, okay, so spooky and Christmas. Is this the origin story of how Nightmare Before Christmas was born? So, Emily.

What? Did I touch on something? Brilliant that you brought that up. No way. The song has a plot. No. It's about the monsters kidnapping Santa. No! So yes, Tim Burton and Henry Selick stole the plot of this song for

The Nightmare Before Christmas. This is my favorite internet deep cut of all time. I'm gonna think about this a lot. And now everyone else will. I hope you will all stay up at night thinking about it with me. So give Mariah a rest this year. Seriously. She's working hard.

She deserves a year off. Maybe after she dies she can come back and sing this song. Oh, yeah. As a zombie or some sort of like sexy phantom. A Frankenstein. A Frankenstein, yes. Very sexy Frankenstein. So yeah, throw it on at your upcoming holiday party.

Emily, what have you seen on the internet this week? Okay, so I don't know why I ended up on the Osbournes side of TikTok and Instagram. Okay. This is the reality show for MTV. The reality show, which kind of started, like the Kardashians wouldn't have existed if it weren't for the Osbournes. Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon. They're such a fucking cute family.

Like. Yeah. But now I've gotten inundated with all this Osbourne stuff. But then there's this like apparently it's a trend on on TikTok that people use the two like Christmas wrapping paper tubes, and they can make the intro to Crazy Train, or the whole song, actually, because it's notes and stuff. It's not just the rhythm. It's crazy.

So there's this lady on TikTok, and I think she's the real deal. I don't think she's a sound clip. You think these are actual wrapping paper tube noises? Yes. I believe her clip. I don't believe anyone else's. Truly. Because she's so into it. You're a wrapping paper music truther. Honestly, I am. It's really good. But wait, it gets better.

It's coming. Wow. Isn't it good? This sounds like a cover of the song they would play in The Matrix. It does, kind of. Or it's just like, I want it to be a boner just wick-whacking against the two legs. Right.

Can someone drum along to Crazy Train with a boner? Just a guy who opens a towel and then he just shakes around and makes that happen. Send us an email to the email address we don't have yet. Oh, I'll get one. Okay. Hold on to your boner videos.

We will set up an email address soon to where you can send your musical boner videos. We'll have to like, I'll have to get McAfee everything in order to like have that email. But it's necessary, I think. Oh, don't worry. Part of my job will be looking at all the boner videos for you.

Thanks, Matt. Sift through the boner videos. We don't want to see any five out of ten boner videos. But if you don't think I should see some of them, I'd at least like to know raw numbers of how many we've gotten. I'll let you know and I'll measure and I'll do everything. Thank you. I love my work.

Let's just do a girth check-in before we watch any boner videos. Hey. Hey. Speaking of boners, the... I had one watching Time Cop. I did too. Oh, my God. Let's get into it.

Before we get into the movie, I just think it's important to let everyone know where we stand politically. And I just want to say, at cab, all time cops are bastards. Yes. Thank you. Okay. Now we can get into it. I want to check in a little bit about our history with Jean-Claude Van Damme, our history with 90s action movies. I will say that I rented this movie like crazy. Apparently, I was a dumb child with bad taste. I'm tipping my hand a little.

You were a boy in the 90s and I loved this genre. I loved not boring time travel, but I loved martial arts movies. You know, Van Damme, Jackie Chan, Steven Seagal, all the greats. This was a real favorite genre of mine. And I rented the hell out of this movie and was really surprised rewatching it. How much of it I could just recite. Whoa. Yeah. So, yeah. What about what about you? How many Van Damme movies have you seen? Do you like a 90s action movie? This is my first Van Damme movie.

Wow. I'm pretty sure it is. Well, Van Damme. I always thought that... I just got that. That was pretty good. It's fine. I liked it.

Also, can I say in my doc that I made of notes, I spelled his name a million different ways. None of them correct. Van Damme's not a name you spell. It's a name you feel. But there's like two M's and an E. However you want to spell it. No rules. D-A-M-M.

But this is my first one. I always suspected that he was who was playing Sub-Zero and Scorpion in the Mortal Kombat movie. Oh, interesting. I always thought that it looked like him. Yeah. I don't believe that he was who was playing Sub-Zero and Scorpion in the Mortal Kombat movie. Oh, interesting. I always thought that it looked like him. Yeah. I don't believe that it was. There is a little bit of a history with him in Mortal Kombat. Apparently, they wanted him to do the motion capture for the game.

He did not do it. But recently, in the latest Mortal Kombat game, there's like a skin you can download. So one of the characters looks and has the voice of Van Damme. No. He comes in and he does the voice for it. And it is phoned in even by video game voice standards. When did he do that? I don't know.

It came out. It came out a couple months ago. So very recent. Yeah. What an interesting choice. He is doing a, he, you could hear him going to the bank to cash the paycheck. He does not care about this. Is not stoked to be in Mortal Kombat.

But wait, was he in Street Fighter? So he played Guile in the Street Fighter movie. The all American military man, Guile, played by the muscles from Brussels. I have never seen the Street Fighter movie. I'm a Mortal Kombat purist. I understand. By just one movie. I didn't play the game.

I'm just really into that movie. Okay. Annihilation. Well, perhaps on a future installment of Free With Ads. Anyway, so I always thought he was like Scorpion or Sub-Zero. So yeah, this is the first movie I've ever seen with him in it. The only thing I know him from is doing the splits between two semi-trucks. Yeah.

Honestly, he's a man best ingested in memes. Memes and gifs, I think, is the best way to experience. The dancing one of him doing his little dance thing. Oh yeah, it's from Kickboxer, I believe. So anyways, so Time Cop, this movie starts during the Civil War. We see a battalion of Confederate soldiers transporting something. I can see it now. They're stopped by a man in a trench coat wielding two futuristic machine guns.

Well, you don't see that for a while. You don't, yeah. And so it's really jarring. There's a standoff. When you see them. But yeah, there's a standoff. So yeah, this stranger in a trench coat blows away these Confederate soldiers

and steals their gold. Then the movie only gets less interesting from here. I know. This opening scene makes you think, holy, whoa. So exciting. You also never see that guy again. Yeah. That guy doesn't pop up. Because I'm like, what's the deal with his missing tooth? That was immediately

because he showed up and I was offended because I was like, what's the deal with his missing tooth? That was immediately because he like showed up and I was offended because I was like, oh, you just think because we're in the South, we don't have teeth. And then I went, oh, yeah, you don't have teeth, Emily. You have fake teeth in your head because you knocked them all out. Sure. And you're from the South. Oh, did you maybe not like it that you saw yourself up there on screen? Yes, I did. I saw myself.

No, it was just he had no tooth and I'm like, what? There's a story here. And then he shot everybody. All you need is two futuristic machine guns, and you could pull a heist. Yeah, you couldn't go back in time, save that fucking tooth? Yeah, that would have been my mission. This movie has the weirdest time travel rules. If I could go back in time, I would go back to not knocking my teeth out.

To brushing and flossing regularly. To not knocking them out. That would be pretty cool. Maybe cut down on the taffy. I could probably have a car. I might drive. Listen. I might be a driver.

Time travel doesn't exist, Emily. There's no reason to sit here and talk about what could have been. I'm sorry. I got really stressed out there for a second. Living the now. I got really stressed out. So this is this cold open. It suggests a very cool movie that we do not see.

Our next scene is at a Senate hearing where the whole premise of the movie is explained. The guy in the Senate hearing doing the info dump, this is a heroic performance. This guy who is- He's in a lot of stuff, but I don't know. Yeah, this movie is full of really good, like that guy from that thing,

that gal from that thing, character actors. And basically everyone in the movie, except the star, is very good. We get this info dump about how time travel exists and we need to create a police force to police it. We need to create time cops, if you will. It is... Okay, so the first time I watched this movie,

I was high and drunk. Okay. And I was bored to tears. I wanted to die. I couldn't even sustain. I was like, how many more groups of men not moving around talking to each other am I going to have to watch? I came here to watch a hot guy do some kicking and punching, and I don't feel like I got enough of it. Not a lot of kicking and punching in this movie.

It's such bullshit. Not a lot of time travel. Honestly, you're right. There's cops. It's a lot of talking. It's a lot of talking. There in this movie. It's such bullshit. Not a lot of time travel. Honestly, you're right. There's cops. It's a lot of talking. It's a lot of talking. There's just too much talk. Too much talk.

And also, they're not even justifying things well. Yeah. So why are we talking so hard? So we have this Senate scene. I do commend this actor who does this insane info dump explaining the whole thing. Yeah. This movie's a tight hour and a half, so they got to kind of move through it quick. It did move at a good pace, I'd say.

Yeah, absolutely. The third time I watched it. It only overstays its welcome by 40 minutes. So our next scene, we do actually meet our main characters. It takes place in a mall in 1994. Time agent Max Walker. It made me kinda horny, that mall. Emily, this mall.

I gotta talk about the mall. It's so pretty. We got to talk about the mall. And it's 1994. Oh, the mall. Take me there. Take me to that 90s mall. There was like greenery. They had like plants at the mall. It was money, cash money mall.

It's fantastic. Tell me, okay. Tell me about your 90s mall, Emily. Okay. When you were a child getting dropped off with a pocket full of allowance. Oh, okay. There's a couple. There's the mall I loved, which was any mall in St. Louis where my grandparents lived.

It always just seemed more magical. Maybe it's because I didn't live there. So the Green Hills Mall in Nashville is now super fancy. They have Tiffany's and Gucci and shit. But before then, there was like a Hello Kitty and a Claire's where I got my ears pierced. Hell yeah. And a Sbarro pizza where every date was at Sbarro. And then you went to the movie theater that was in that mall.

But we also had this thing. The two horniest places in the mall. Oh my God. The things I did in that movie theater as a teen. Not during time cop, huh? No. Oh, my God. The things I did in that movie theater as a teen. Not during Time Cop, huh? No. Well, I was eight. I'm younger than you.

Well, then I should hope you didn't do anything nasty during Time Cop, young lady. You shouldn't even have been there. Mostly during Moulin Rouge. Oh, okay. When I didn't have motion sickness. But no, so there was this place attached to the movie theater that they built called Funscape. Oh, yeah. That was to try to get high schoolers and teens

to come spend money and hang out at the movie. Teens love fun. They do, but then they didn't realize it would just become like a drug drop. Right. Like, they'd be like, oh, here's all these photo booths. So Funscape was like arcade games's like arcade games arcade and then they had like a laser tag thing and then they had like a little food court thing but you would just go

upstairs because your parents like when you go to the movies your parents are like okay the movie ends at this time i'm coming to get you so the way you do it is right before the movie shitty movie ends you get out of there you go into Funscape you find the Jurassic Park game that has the curtain. Yeah. Finger blast. Okay and then right back to the movie theater to get picked up. Exactly. Dang brilliant. It was like right next door you had a door like that was just like between the theater

and the Funscape. I mean I yeah I loved being any scene in this mall was fantastic. Yeah. I could taste Great segue away from me getting finger blasted. I could taste the orange Julius. Yeah. So any scene here was great.

In this mall our boy Max Walker and his wife played by Mia Sarah Total babe. Sloan from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Such a good actress.

Yeah. She is really great as is everyone every non Van Damme person in this movie. Honestly, yeah. But it's like, I love her. I don't feel like I see her ever. Yeah. Judging from her IMDb, she took a little break.

Yeah. But maybe she has some upcoming projects. Good. Come back to us. We'll keep an eye out for those. We are awaiting your presence. Also, she was in Legend. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to talk about Hor us. We open arms. We are awaiting your presence. Also, she was in Legend. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want to talk about Horny. Yeah, dang. So they look at clocks and only do ironic things. Was that what they were looking at? They were looking at clocks. Oh, my God. That's so on the nose. There's never time to please a woman.

And hey, super producer Matt Lieb, let's hear a clip. There's never enough time. Never enough for what? To satisfy a woman. Oof. I don't know. Now hearing that back, I'm pretty. Oh, so you like Van Damme's delivery on that?

I like Van Damme's delivery on everything personally. He was, out of everything I could complain about about this movie, he was not. Okay. A complaint. I mean, he was not. Okay. A complaint. I mean, he, in these movies consistently, and, you know, if you choose to go down the rabbit hole that his is IMDb, in all of these movies, it is required that you see his naked butt flexing.

I didn't know that. Yeah. And I do not have a problem. And I couldn't take my eyes off that Jean-Claude Van Dump trick. Oh, God. So, he's at the mall. They're looking at clocks. They're getting their

photo taken, memories. They go to a store titled Rigged Presidential Elections. Again, everything in the mall comes back. He stops this rollerblading purse snatcher. Oh, yeah. Who looks like he is 45. I think he's supposed to be a young tough.

Is he on? He's rollerblading. Yeah. Yeah, because it is the 90s. There has to be somebody on rollerblades. I miss rollerblades. So he stops the purse thief. This is kind of the save the cat moment. We know Max Walker is a great guy because he scares rollerbladers into giving purses back. And then they go back

to their very impressive Victorian house. Their house is beautiful. Oh my God, I'm so glad you said something. Time pretty, I mean, I don't know what she does

for a living, but being a time cop is apparently pretty lucrative. every kind of basic, you know, movie in the 90s just had the fantasy house. They wanted to show us the fantasy house. This house will be the set of an action set piece later,

a boring dark one. Some shit happens to this house, man. Yeah. So they go back to the house and have the most 90s sex of all time. This is my favorite part of the movie. Yeah. Yeah, I guess you could... I maybe theorize that the movie goes downhill from the Civil War cold open,

but I think it'd also be argued that it goes downhill from the 90s sex scene. I think we've got some hills and valleys here, my friend. That's true. Some peaks, some crevasses. In terms of intrigue, the opening scene is just not what the movie is. Right. It's like, whoa, we're going to go all through time. No.

No, we don't really. But the sex scene, to me, I love 90s sex scenes. Me too. Like 90s action movies. And this is like the ultimate one in a weird way. It's tasteful. It's tasteful. It's tasteful. Saxophone.

Smooth sax. Got some good boob action going on. But you feel like you see so much of him that it feels like it's more about him than it is about her. And let me tell you, that's how I felt. You do see a lot of like, in these types of sex scenes. You do see like the male leads like pumping muscular. But this is what you have to have when there's any sex scene. Sometimes it's just people rolling around. But I need to see like that motion.

Right. That they're like grinding like on each other. And this has it. Oh, it does. Yeah. And it's very hot. And they have chemistry. The two of them have very good chemistry. He's dreamy. OK. I totally get it does. Yeah. And it's very hot. And they have chemistry. The two of them have very good chemistry.

He's dreamy. Okay. I totally get it now. I didn't see anything he's been in. I'm like, oh, cool. You can do splits between two big vehicles. Well, there's a lot of- I didn't want to fuck him over that.

Now I want to fuck him over this. I didn't want to go, fuck me now, train conductor splits guy, whatever the fuck he did. To the smoothest sax you've ever heard. So they have this 90s ass sex scene. It's beautiful. It's perfect. Yeah. But things don't stay perfect for long.

She says, I have to tell you something in this way that even if I hadn't seen this movie, I'd be like, oh yeah, she's pregnant and about to die. Yeah, you know it immediately. I had to tell you something. And he's like, like he had no idea. Yeah, he's just like, I have to go to work. He does sound like a little bit like Tommy Wiseau in certain instances. A little bit.

But he's really hot, so we don't care. Sure. So he goes to leave. He apparently can't spare a few minutes to hear about how his wife is pregnant. I mean, that shit was so annoying. Also, both of them. Don't go, I have something.

Just fucking say it. I would have been texting a bitch. I wouldn't be waiting to go and be like, here we go. I wouldn't be like, huge, I don't here we go. I wouldn't be like huge. I don't know. I guess it's a big announcement for some people. And like when you're, you know, like the person you're dating, when they say, I have to tell you something.

Never good. Yeah. But I mean, it's always something, right? Like, how could you go to work knowing that, like, I have to hear about something. I would have anxiety the entire day. I don't want to. Yeah. I want to hear about it now so we can deal with it anyway.

So, of course, goons show up at the house, kill her, leave him for dead. Yeah. And our hero is motivated by the death of his love. But you know what we're motivated by? These exciting announcements, perhaps for a product, perhaps for another great show here on Maximum Fun. We'll be right back. and we're back okay where were we ah yes our hero has been left for dead after his wife was killed by some generic goons. We hard cut to one of three time travel scenes in this movie called Time Cop.

A kind of a scuzzy guy during the day the stock market crashes. Yeah. It's the 1929 or whatever. And that also got me stoked too because, because I was like, ooh, what else are we going to see? This is kind of a cool scene, too. This is kind of cool. It was a cool scene. You have this kind of period office building he goes into. Somebody has just jumped out of the window because the stock market crashed.

Great setting for something. He goes down into his office and listens to the most futuristic device available at the time, a mini disc player of grunge music no was it just because he's from the future where you listen to grunge on a mini disc oh fuck fuck um and it's the like grungiest grunge it's like not nirvana but like one of the bands they probably like signed when nirvana famous. It's royalty free grunge. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah. Amazing to see this mini disc player, this thing that's supposed to symbolize the future look like such a fucking. Did you have one of those? No, I didn't. I had a Walkman and then I had a Discman. Me too.

Fucking Discman, man. Yeah. Hated those. Well, you got to get skip protection. Well, that didn't even matter. Yeah, I know. They still skipped. I know. It was just like, cassettes were way better for this. Did you have one where you could

turn the skip protection on and off? Yes. That probably suggests this is bullshit. It's bullshit, exactly. No, I like it when it skips. Yeah. How many CDs do you think you licked to get it clean? None. I never licked a CD. Did you lick yours?

Yeah. You said that like it was relatable. Everybody licks a CD. Well, I blew in Nintendo games. Is this like a version of that? Well, you sound like you haven't lived a full life. I guess not. Matt, give me some CDs to lick.

Listen, it's just sometimes putting your breath on it and then rubbing it on your tit just isn't enough. You gotta lick that shit and then rub it. Maybe that's why your CDs skipped so much. I probably did.

Constantly licking them. I licked all the songs off. I lost my mouth virginity to Hanson's Middle of Nowhere. Oh yeah. So he's listening to a mini-disc player.

He's like playing the stock market and Van Damme kind of portals in. What the fuck with this portal? God. Okay. So we have to talk about their time travel methods. It makes no fucking sense.

No. So it starts with Van Damme getting, or whoever's time traveling, getting into like a roller coaster car that kind of blasts at a brick wall. Why they have that wall there, I will never know. Because it's implied that people die on the wall when the thing doesn't work. I know. Why have it? Just make it go out into a field.

They just had to do something. Yeah. This part is so stupid. But when you time travel, you're not still in the car. You're like spit out into the air. It's like it drops you off. It's like, thanks, Mom. Come get me later.

Where did the car go? Does the car stay in like... It's made of time. Oh, I missed that. I don't know. Maybe that's in the director's cut. They're the cop. The ship is the time.

Yeah, this is by far the stupidest time travel I've ever seen in a movie. It's like if they got in the DeLorean in Back to the Future and then came out in the 50s just walking. It's like, well, where did it go anyway? I know. It is really weird. Part of me thinks that there was some kind of confusion. They had to go back and make cuts or reshoot things because they didn't have enough money to bring that device into the future. Really?

I think they just thought it looked cool. to bring that device into the future. Yeah, really. I think they just thought it looked cool. I remember as a kid it being used in the advertising, the time shuttle being used as part of the trailer. Yeah. But yes, just makes negative zero sense.

I just accept things sometimes when they're like that and just let it go. I was able to do that here. Yeah. So yeah, this is where we get our first kind of big Van Damme fight scene where he kind of shows what he can do. Yes. There's a bunch of random goons that come in. He breaks this like stick in half and drums on one of the guys. I don't remember this, but I'm going to go back and watch it again.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. As Matt has shown us, it syncs up perfectly

with In the Air Tonight. Can I just say, whoever did the Foley shit for this movie, man, you must have guns of steel. The wax are out of control. Oh my God, it's amazing. There were some crazy sound effects during that wick-wack fucking fight scene too, which is also so choppy and unimpressive.

Yeah. But this one, choppy as fuck. Editing was like, I love a close quarters fight. Yeah. That's very exciting. But if you're editing so much it's like what am I even fucking looking at I look like it's stop motion animation

like at some point I think these movies when you go back and watch them are so much less impressive just because like we have John Wick we have Atomic Blonde we have like these movies that have these like awesome hand to hand fight scenes and it just kind of looks like the bad guys are standing still while Van Damme kicks around them.

Yeah, I know. They don't look like they're putting up a fight or resisting in any way. They look like they're just standing there taking the kicks. Yes. It's very strange. It's very true, but the editing and stuff, I guess it ramps the intensity. Yeah. But I think the thing that ramped up that fight scene's intensity the most was those knives,

which were the coolest looking knives. Oh, yeah. They were like double blade tiny knives. It is always nice when bad guys have their signature weapon

that they bring with them. But there's a bunch of fun ways people die in this movie. But something about a knife fight, I get so anxious when I see people

fighting with knives because it's like, it's just so up close, personal. And it might have food on it. You get stabbed with a dirty food knife. I haven't had a tetanus shot since 2013. Thank you. Everybody, get your tetanus shot.

They don't want to give it to you because they want to know when you had it last. No one knows. Get the tetanus shot. Demand it. No one knows when you had it last. So this fight happens. Van Damme goes back to the future. And we meet the main antagonist, presidential candidate, Senator McComb, played by Ron Silver.

We got a little segment we like to do on the show. It's called Hunk Watch. Yay. Hunk Watch. It's Hunk Watch. little segment we like to do on the show it's called hunk watch yay hunk watch it's the time when we identify the hunkiest hunk or hunks in the movie um i for my money uh-huh the hunk of this movie is ron silver as presidential candidate senator mccone you were gonna say that and let me explain why because he's not as conventionally as attractive as Van Damme.

He's not muscular. He's a little weaselly. But here's why I think he's the hunk. Okay. Because I sensed a chemistry between him and Van Damme that I did not sense between him and anyone else in the movie. Whoa. Now, when they, and you know, different strokes for different folks.

No, I see it now that you say it. I'm like, holy shit, you're so right. Because they suspect each other immediately. And they're both hot. And they do this close whispering. Oh, fuck. I hope you get your man. You're going to make everyone horny, Jordan.

I'm going to get the man. That's not what we do at this podcast. I hope you get him. I hope you get the man you're after. Oh make everyone horny, Jordan. I'm going to get the man. That's not what we do at this podcast. I hope you get him. I hope you get the man you're after. Oh, my God. Everyone's having an orgasm right now. Yeah, I'm going to put him. I'm going to put you in chains.

Matt's masturbating again. Cut it out. I'm going to put the man in a cage when I get him. Oh, my God. Everybody's coming. They do that antagonistic whisper talking, and they talk so close to each other. Everyone who watches this movie has to be screaming kiss in their mind.

Yes. Kiss. Kiss Van Damme and Ron Silver. I think he's great in this movie. RIP to a real one. And I think he brings out an intensity in Van Damme that he does not show. He's a solid villain.

I am so bored with likable villains. Me too. I'm bored. I just want a piece of shit. An evil ass fucking asshole. No, just a piece of shit that you can't wait to watch him die. That's how the villains

of our current world are. They're just pieces of shit. They're just rich pieces of shit. Yeah, not everybody is Tony Soprano or Jon Hamm. We don't need to know about their wound. I don't know. We just want to see him

talk close to Van Damme and eat peanuts loudly. Yeah. It's like I want to see him right now in this moment of time as you are and not who you were before. Although he does meet himself from before. He does meet himself from before. And he does eat peanuts very loudly. Maybe that's a little sexy. You know, watching him use that mouth.

He's like, um, um, um, um. Watching him use that mouth. Watching him use that mouth. To eat those nuts. Use that mouth to eat those nuts, Ron Silver. R.I.P. So I do want to get into that scene where he's eating the nuts. But I just want to say my hunk. Yes, please.

Is in that fight scene. It's just Jean-Claude Van Damme's ass. Yeah, please. Is in that fight scene. Yeah. It's like, it's just Jean-Claude Van Damme's ass. Yeah. Okay. No, I understand. He was a legendary hunk. They showed the butt in every movie for a reason. I get it.

I get it. I'm impressed that you told me that because it makes total sense that I just had no idea. He did that badonka split over a dishwasher in that scene because this there was like electrical wires on the floor and there was water and then it was like the electrical wires made like sparkles happen as he did right split it was like the fourth of july just for dad ass yeah i mean it was you know and daddy thick I mean, we should say. It was so amazing. It was so funny, but also so hot at the same time. That is the gif I see.

If you look up Jean-Claude Bambier, that splits over the dishwasher. Dump truck over the dishwasher is what I'm going to be calling it. Dumping on them dishes. Dumping on the dishes. Dumping them dishes. It's him doing that little dance thing, and then that that and then the fucking semi-truck split. If you do continue your journey into the filmography of Van Damme. I'm going to watch everything he's ever done.

The excuses for him to do the splits in these movies get crazier and crazier. Thank God. The one between the trucks I think is from Hard Target. I thought that was just like an internet video he made. I think he's done one for a commercial. He's recreated it for a commercial. That's what it was, I think. But I could be wrong. Matt, look this up. I think the original split between the trucks

is from Hard Target, which I think came out this year, directed by John Woo. What a fucking Hard Target. He punches a snake in the face, too. Snake in the face. He punches a snake in the face. Holy shit, I gotta watch all of these now. So, and that was Hunk Watch

Hunk Watch thank you for listening to Hunk Watch Hunk Watch Hunk Watch um on with the movie uh so so his buddy dies

the guy the guy who was who was who was sneaking around in the late 20s dies uh our man Walker he's depressed

he goes home to the beautiful Victorian and he drinks whiskey out of the bottle while watching a VHS tape of his wife build a birdhouse. Oh fuck. These guys all these guys and their dead wives. Is that what she was making? Yeah she was building a birdhouse.

I just kind of made it go Jesus this is the most mundane romantic But he loves it. He lets it's what he just watches when he goes home to unwind. Oh my god. Watches his dead wife build a birdhouse. Fuck. And so, you know, we know he's a broken man.

He's tailing Ron Silver. He shows up to work the next day and meets his new partner, played by Gloria Rubin. The one other woman. Yeah. Who is also very good in this. Very good. Is great. And she is a great, like, that gal from that thing actor who just has been in a million things and you'd recognize her and it's always great yes um and it is wild because you're like maybe make the movie about this character um we have yeah

it felt like it was gonna be kind of a rookie you know tired time cop yeah you kind of thought so it goes to some interesting places, but yeah, her time in this movie is short-lived. But it really lights up the screen every time she's there. Yes. They get in this time pod. Who the fuck knows how this thing works? It spits them out over...

So they're going back to 1994 to investigate the death of his wife. Wait, what year is it when they're in the... I think it is 1998, and they're going back to 1994 to investigate the death of his wife. What year is it when they're in? I think it is 1998 and they're going back to 1994. OK, so the time travel in this movie is basically over. They've gone every they don't go to the future. They don't see fucking dinosaurs. They don't.

What the fuck? They don't go back to to cowboy times. There should have been a sequel to this movie. So there is a direct to DVD sequelDVD sequel called The Berlin Experiment. Van Damme is not in it. And there's also a Super Nintendo game. No. Which has the kind of realistic graphics like Mortal Kombat.

And in that Super Nintendo game, he fights squids and has a jetpack. Why? That's the movie. Super Nintendo game is the movie. What the fuck, Ty Cuff? That's what should be happening. He gets it on his submarine and blows squids away and then has

a jetpack. And he also fights Nazis. That's the movie we should be watching. I'm so angry. It sucks. They got the Super Nintendo game right. Would you guys pay to watch us play that video game? Yes. We will play the game on Twitch if enough people email at us

at the email address that doesn't exist yet. Yeah, you'll get real frustrated watching me do it. Yeah. You'll figure it out. We'll kill enough squids. We played Super Mario.

It's very frustrating to play with me. That's true. I'm sure this game plays much better than Super Mario. Ah, whatever. It probably sucks. So, oh, and it's kind of interesting. Story-wise, the game is a sequel to this.

It's like, it supposes the movie happened and then is another time cop adventure. That's better than this one. The whole script and the punchy one-liners and stuff, it all feels like it was a graphic novel at some point or a comic. It was comics beforehand. It was. It was Dark Horse Comics, yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah.

So that explains the fun one-liner stupid catchphrase thing they were trying to make the catchphrase is really ramp up in the second half of the movie um so we do this we do this time jump back to 1994 we could have gone anywhere in history but here we are in fucking 1994 um they go to some fight warehouse a warehouse constructed just to fight at. Oh my god, I was thinking about this. Yes. And they are, and they run afoul of Ron Silver and his goons. And hey, Emily, I think it's time for our segment, Worst Hat in the Movie.

Worst Hat in the Movie! The Worst Hat. The goons. I have a picture of these goons in our Google Doc. Okay. Can we describe what these goons are wearing? Paying special attention to the hats, which I think are the worst hats in the movie. These goons are all wearing different colored leather blazers.

And one of them has a leather beret and one of them has a knit cap on. They all look like Tim Robinson characters. Oh, my God. They all look like they could be just characters from I Think You Should Leave. They really do. I mean, a double-breasted suit jacket. A double-breasted leather suit jacket. No, that's not leather.

Isn't that leather? No. That's kind of leather. That's wool. Anyway. But the dude next to him, that has no business being leather. Like, it's blue leather. How hot are these goons?

They must be sweaty as fuck. How can they fight in these? They're in a warehouse with exploding barrels. How in the world do they not want to take these coats off? I'll be honest, though. If I was any of these actors, which I don't recognize them in anything else, I would feel like the coolest motherfucker. I'm sure they thought they were.

I mean, I want this photo to be on my wall if I was one of these guys and be like, look how cool I look. This is the vibe of these guys is director's friends. I that's true. But I do think the style is I like. Do you like the style? OK. It's very it's a choice. It is a choice.

They did. They didn't try. Yeah. They did try and costume. They look like they're their own Spice Girls. Like they have like like they each have their own vibe. Tubby Spice. Sweaty Spice.

Punchy Spice. Doug Jones Spice. And Doug Jones. Legendary motion capture actor, Doug Jones. It does look like him. It might be. No, no, no, no. Okay, so he fights these goons yeah um and this in this

warehouse and this is like a pretty cool action scene as i mentioned before they do have the red video game barrels that explode when shot nice and he hides behind them i'm like fan damn have you ever played doom one yeah i was looking at this and I'm like, what in the temple of Doom? Like, what in the fucking Legends of the Hidden Temple is this bullshit? He was on like, what are those things called? Those forklifts? He gets on a forklift that has the exploding barrels on it. Just two of them. And he takes cover using them?

It's so dumb. And then they're shooting them. It's like, I just went, choreographing this was hell. There's a, yeah. I can tell it's hell. And there's a weird moment in this movie that I think is actually pretty funny. Let me know if you clocked this.

Okay. There's some business with him saying freeze to people. Oh, yeah. At some point, he shoots a pipe. You know, in a fight warehouse, there's always pipes with steam in them. Yep. He shoots the pipe.

The pipe freezes the guy. I guess it was filled with liquid nitrogen. Yeah, I guess. Who knows? So it freezes the guy. He, was filled with liquid nitrogen yeah i guess who knows so it freezes the guy he like kicks off a part of that guy and he says gosh i wish i didn't i wish i had written this i should have told him to freeze no yeah okay so at first he kicks the guy and he says like get out of here and then later he's like i should have told him to freeze it's a great joke yep that Van Damme totally fucking botches. And I'm like, this is so much funnier than the rest of the movie.

Did like some comedy writer came and did a pass on this. I think it's funnier than he doesn't know. No, I like that. I think it's a great joke. I'm saying I think like a young 22 year old Dana Gould got a pass at this script. Wrote this thing about him messing up the catchphrase. Nothing else in the movie

is even close to that intentionally funny. Yes, because it's fun because it's like earnest. Yeah. It's kind of cute because he really goes, I had a joke. He kind of like... Dang it.

He kind of knows he's in an action movie. There's a lot of other attempts at a catchphrase. At some point, he shoots a guy and says, open wide. And it's like, what is that? I don't remember that. Yeah. They aren't talking about mouths at all.

No, there's someone gets shot and he says, say ah. Say ah. Say ah. It's a clip from a dentist action movie. Do we? It's a clip from a dentist action movie. Like it's a line from a dentist action movie that they just put into this movie. Totally. Do you think that there were, you know, there's you've probably done this being a comedian who writes for like Punch-Up. Sure.

For jokes that get added. Yeah. Like over audio. Do you think a lot of these were like because you don't see his face when he's saying that I should have said freeze. Yeah. I know. I do think that. I don't think you do.

This is a like punch up moment from another writer. And it's maybe the only thing that made it into the movie because nothing else in the movie is that self-aware or that like clever. Well I liked the one where the our hot boy Mr. Silver like, don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself. Oh, right, because he has to talk to his younger self. That's kind of funny. That was cool. There's a couple of nice moments like that. And he's talking to his younger.

I guess I'm jumping the gun on that one. But, like, I also say that to myself in the mirror. You've been Ron Silvering this whole time, and you didn't even know it. So, you know, he kills all these goons. He goes to the future and then back to 1994. Oh, here's something we missed. It's a part of the plot. His partner double crosses him.

So she was working with Ron Silver. And out of nowhere. And it made no sense. Like, yeah. So she's working with him. He's trying to get money to win a presidential campaign. Yeah. And then he kind of travels back.

He figures out that the agency has been compromised. He goes back to 1994 and to find her in the hospital to get proof that the whatever, whatever, who cares. It was such a... It sucks. The logic of this movie is totally out the window at this point. I think that the main thing... Fuck the plot in general with this show, like, show, movie.

The best part was when our villain met himself, who was younger. Oh, yeah. And he... Himself, when he was younger, was kind of a little bitch. Yeah, I know. It was like only four years prior. Right. It was a big four years for him.

He went from little bitch to confident peanut eater. Yeah. He walked in and just kind of went like, I thought I had more balls. Right. Like back then. I'm like, there's something kind of fun about that. Like seeing your young self and realizing that like, oh, I was a little bit. You were embarrassed about.

Yeah. But also you were. It kind of felt like that chemistry you were talking about with John Clegg. Oh, he has it with himself. Oh, yeah. I feel like he could have chemistry with a fucking shit-covered stick. Yeah, he does just seem sensual. You know what it's like? One of my biggest crushes in bad guy movie history is Alan Rickman in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves.

Oh, sure, sure. The Sheriff of Nottingham. He's a bad man, very bad man. But I don't care. You can change him. You can change the Sheriff of Nottingham. I don't think I want him to change me. I want him to slip my throat.

I don't know. And this guy kind of has a little bit of that. He does. He's not going to slip my throat. He can slap me a little bit. Not that. But yeah, Alan Rickman, to slip my throat. You can slap me a little bit. Okay. But like, not that. But yeah. Alan Rickman, just, I don't know, murder me.

So they go back to our favorite location in the movie, the mall. Yay! Our mall! So glad to be back at the mall. Get a Cinnabon while you're there, Van Damme. Oh, fuck. Yeah, that would be good. I want to get one right now.

Get some Chinese food in a Styrofoam container. Matt, can you see if DoorDash does Cinnabons? Yeah, Matt, get us Cinnabons. Yes, please. Yeah, no problem. I'll hit up DoorDash and see if they have Cinnabons. And hey, it's at this point where we see who I feel is the tallest person in the movie. You feel?

It's time for our segment, Tallest Person in the Movie. Tallest guy. This goon who I've clipped out, in another great goon outfit, he has long hair. The sides are shaved. He's got a leather coat on. He chases them through the mall. I think he's pretty tall. He's taller than Van Damme.

I think he's the tallest person in the movie. I would like to stop you right there. Yeah. The fact that you described his hair as anything other than a 10 out of 10 like Billy Ray Cyrus mullet. You're right. That's a better way to describe it. It is bizarre, but yeah. It's achy breaky.

It's positively achy breaky. Oh, it's oofy poofy achy breaky. Oofy poofy achy breaky. So yeah, so they have this chase in the mall. His partner dies. He goes back to his beautiful Victorian home where he sees his younger self having that moment with his wife because we're in 1994 again his wife is not dead yet they're having this moment and and for whatever reason he stays this time when she says i have something to

tell you and so we get to see the moment where she reveals the pregnancy. And she says, I have something to tell you. I'm pregnant. And he goes, great. Great. It's the most two out of ten enthusiasm. I might have blocked that out. Because I believe you, but I hate it. Him just saying, he says great like she just him that like the pizza's on the way.

I have a clip of that. Thank you. Oh, thank you. I'm pregnant. Great. That's it. We'll hear it again just to see just the effectiveness of the acting. I think I'm good.

No, no, we'll hear it. Pregnant. Great. I can't. I can't. It's like he's- You guys, I can't'm good. No, no, we'll hear it. Pregnant. I can't. I can't. It's like he's- You guys, I can't do this. It's like she told him like, oh, the Amazon Prime delivery got here. Great.

He couldn't even- That's even more enthusiasm than what he said. It was great. Great. It's- What the fuck? Oh, the Wi-Fi came back on. Yes.

Great. It was off, but they came back on. I just unplugged it and plugged it back in again. Honestly, I feel like the only fun thing about being pregnant is that. Right. Is sharing the happy news. And if somebody isn't like, oh my God, that I would, I mean, it's like, why are we even doing this? I found my lost earbud.

Great. So that happens. There's this kind of unimpressive, too dark fight scene in the house. All the goons. Ron Silver is there. As we mentioned. Why is he in the fucking house? Aren't you running for president, bitch?

Go be in a nice car somewhere. The fact that he personally does all of these schemes himself. I love that because that's how- He's just committed, I guess. But when you're a kid watching bad guys, like if you're watching X-Men, Magneto's always there. He's always in the front lines. Yeah, you're right. Maybe not always, but like-

He's a committed villain. He's the scariest one. He likes it. It's fun for him to do the- Once again, take note movies. We want a proper villain who just likes being bad, is bad for no reason. We don't care. Just be awful.

Just a rich shithead. Yeah. We want to watch you die. A pretty cool death scene, speaking of. So we learn in one of our info dumps, we learn that matter cannot occupy the same place. So therefore, you're never supposed to touch your past self i love that detail van damme almost touches himself so many times in this i know right i mean with those with that dumper how can you not want to give it a little bit when i'm touching myself to myself right uh look at my butt over that sink. Yeah. I gotta give it a little smoosh.

Oh my God. So he pushes young Ron Silver into old Ron Silver. Fucking rad, man. His acting when he's flying into himself, parent trap style. He's going just like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I do not care. I loved it. And there's this like kind of early CGI mush scene where he kind of Cronenbergs into himself and kind of dissolves into this puddle.

It is, you know. I liked it. Yeah, it looks cool. You're a fucking idiot. Never figured out that the only way to make anything of himself with all that fancy kicking is on Broadway. Thanks for clearing it up. You two should be closer. Keep him away from me.

Same matter. Can I get by some space? I'm still kicking. I must be on Broadway. Bill! Is that a lion? A lion roar. Maybe that was just in the mix when they were creating the sound effects.

It sounds like a marble moving around a silver drum at the end there. But there was like a rock. It was like the MGM lion happened there. It's cool. It looks and sounds really cool. It's really creepy. And yeah, you get to hear Ron Silver just really pronounce the hell out of Broadway. Yeah. Why did you expect that from Van Damme, but not Ron Silver?

I'm on Broadway. So, yeah, really, really goes out like a boss. It's a cool death scene. so you know everything's fine we get a little post you know we get a little epilogue where Jean-Claude Van Damme returns to his present

to find that his wife is still alive he's got a little kid he's never met before not a very cute kid either yeah sorry to that kid that's okay

could have been cuter could have been cuter and she she reveals or suggests again that she's that she's pregnant Jesus Christ woman

wrap it up and it's like that's almost the start of a better movie the like or suggests again that she's pregnant. Jesus Christ, woman. Wrap it up. And it's like, that's almost the start of a better movie. The like, I saved my wife through time travel, and I don't know her. Like, I don't know her. Honestly? We spent these four years together that I wasn't aware of. We have this kid I've never met.

What's that movie? What's that movie of the guy having to live in that house and piece together what happened in those four years that he lost? Oh, is that what the notebook is? Yeah, it's the sequel. Wow. The Notebook 2, the Berlin experience. Squids.

So that's Time Cop. Before we get to our rating, we're going to give y'all a chance to process everything you've heard here. We're going to take a little break and then we'll be are back. But before we get to our ratings, let's talk about what we think the best line of the movie is. Sure. I'll go first. Again, we have some weird stuff around the exclamation freeze. The first time Van Dan yells at heels, freeze. Sure. Which maybe just Van Damme said it in the moment. You look like shit. Freeze. Agent Walker, do you realize how inappropriate that word is?

Do I look frozen to you? You look like shit to me. Get away from me. Fucking amazing. That's amazing. That's a great delivery. He killed it in that moment. Yeah, he gets in a couple in this movie.

He does. He's very, here's what he gives me, himbo energy. Where he's like, he's a good guy and he's strong and stuff, but he's just not that bright and that's okay. Right, and I think it's what like John Cena and Channing Tatum have kind of harnessed intentionally. They're the kind of intentional, purposeful himbos.

They're like, I'm leaning into this. Channing Tatum's doing a better job. Than John Cena? John Cena comes across as a guy who knows too much. Sure. His acting can be a little big and goofball, and Channing does seem like actually that guy. Channing's got this, like,

I don't know, this kind of mystery to him that's, you know. I think it's because he can dance. Yeah. Goes a long way. Emily, what was your favorite line in the movie? Okay. So in that scene where, are they at the White House?

Where the hell are they? Like when they're talking about putting together a task force. Yeah, this is the kind of the info dump scene. It's right after the Confederate soldier blow up gun bang scene. And there's a whole fucking table of like, what, 13 actors? Yeah.

They hired 13 people without big names to be in this one scene and this one scene alone. Uh-huh. You don't see these people again. No, this is like Congress, like, okaying the funds to create the time cops. And there's one actor at that table who is so outlandish and not looking like somebody who would work there at all. It's the character's

name is Utley and he's the actor who played Wyndham Earl in Twin Peaks. Oh, I've never seen Twin Peaks. What? I know. Jordan. I'm as surprised as you are. What? I know, Matt. I know. We're all surprised. I've never seen Twin Peaks.

That's what this podcast should be, dude. But wait. That's where the money is. Hang on, hang on. Jordan, you've let me talk at you about Twin Peaks so much. Yeah. Why do you let me do that if you haven't seen it? I think I've told you.

I'm happy to hear about it. Oh, yeah. I think I just ignored. I know it's a legendary show. Because it didn't make sense that you hadn't seen it, so I just kept talking. I was like, whatever you say. That's what a real friend is though. Someone who's just going to let their friend talk about a show they've never seen. Oh wow, that sounds fun.

If that's the case, both of you are my best friends. I'll get to it. I still got to do The Wire. Haven't done The Wire. You haven't seen The Wire? I'll just listen to Matt's podcast. I know, I know, I know. Matt's got a podcast. It's about The Wire. You haven't seen The Wire? I'll just listen to Matt's podcast. I know, I know, I know. Come on. Matt's got a podcast.

It's about The Wire. What's it called, Matt? It's called Pod Yourself, The Wire. There you go. Emily, I have the clip of your favorite scene. Okay, well, can I talk about it real quick? Please, please. It's Wyndham Earl.

His hair is disheveled. He has this really crazy, like, Yosemite Sam type accent going on. And they bring up the idea of time travel, and he goes, time travel? Well, beam me up, Scotty. And I'm like, this guy, I hope he's in everything. I thought he was a villain. I love the convention that senators or congressmen all have the foghorn leghorn accent.

Time travel. Time travel. Well, beam me up, Scototty you want to know what's funnier than that though i guess really gonna tell us the funny thing is the good doctor actually did it he's his accent is amazing i like i like how he kind of gets it wrong too like i guess star trek does have some time travel in it but do you do you do you so do you think of Star Trek as a time travel show? Nobody thinks that. Anyway.

So I feel like politicians in movies from the 90s are either from New England or they're Southern. Right. That's the vibe. The two regions. Yes, that's it. Well, those are the best lines in time travel. I have a favorite line.

Oh, yeah, Matt. Oh, please do. You watched this movie, too this movie yeah i was forced to watch this movie how many times um well this is my first time seeing it you didn't watch it three times no i only watched it just the once just just for this podcast and you seem to remember a lot more about it i did just watch it yeah matt what was your what was your favorite line in the movie um my favorite line was uh there was was a little VR to ER moment in this in which a guy is watching some

VR pornography and this is set. I remember. Damn it, Ricky. I'll get you fucking this machine again. I'll break your neck. Sorry, Chief. Yeah! So something I love about this genre and something I definitely loved about it at the time. That was the

only other woman. There were two women and then the porn lady. And then the porn lady. That's it. There's a lot of good roles for women in movies. What are you broads complaining about? Two out of three had to get naked. You could be a dead wife. You could be a VR hooker. Fucking dumb.

You know, it is amazing in these movies and when I was seeing them as a kid, you could always just like count on them to have a couple of boob scenes. And we were hard up for boobs in the 90s. And so you have the sex scene. You have this kind of tender sex scene. And then you have a kind of techie guy in a VR headset. So they predicted VR. Which I was advertised a VR headset.

Oh, really? From Meta during watching this oh dang they knew weird so he's watching just a kind of a nude woman um who apparently according to the IMDB trivia section is a stripper that the effects team saw the night before and I guess they invited her to be in the movie is that true I don I don't know. It's on IMDb. Okay. I thought you said it was a stripper, like in the world of the movie, these guys went to a strip club and then created her in a game. Oh, no.

That is cool and makes sense. Yeah. But this was real. This was a real person. I think this is a real thing. A stripper who got a job. Well, good. I hope she got her SAG card.

Yeah. She got Taft-Hartley. She got two SAG cards. All night long. You know what I'm saying? Which innuendo is better? Email us. Yes.

So now that we've discussed Time Cop thoroughly, why don't we rate it? Let's tell the folks out there, if you're looking to boot something up and not pay a dime for it, on a scale of one to ten, super loud commercials, which is what you would have to pay to watch this movie. Yes. What would you give it? Emily, we'll start with you. I'll give it a six.

Okay. Yeah. I enjoy getting up and walking around during this movie. Okay. So I'm fine with six. I think seven. Seven's more I would be- You're feeling seven. Because I liked, with six I think seven seven's more I would be

you're feeling seven because I liked well I watched it three times so it's like I needed to digest things because I got so bored watching dudes

stand around and talk about stuff that didn't matter so I'd be like okay I did that yeah let's pee and then come back

I'm gonna go lower than you I think I think this has this has significant pleasures. Okay, yeah. If you grew up in the 90s kind of watching these movies, you'll see a lot of like, oh my God, I remember that moment. Yeah. Types of things.

You know, the sex scene, the splits, the bad one-liners before a bad guy dies. So I like all that stuff. But as you mentioned, Emily, not a lot happens in this movie. Right. It's called Time Cop. They only go to two other time periods and then just at various points during the 90s. Yeah. The action ain't great.

Yeah. Van Damme's acting is all over the place. So I would say that you can digest this movie in clips and GIFs if you want to. That's true. I think I rated this the wrong way because I was thinking about how many bathroom breaks I wanted during the movie. Oh. I wasn't thinking about it in terms of was it worth it.

So yeah, I'm going to give it a good two. Oh, okay. I'm going to give it five for nostalgia. Whoa. Yeah. All right. So yeah, I think there's a lot better. There are better movies out there on free revamps.

I definitely appreciated more talking to you about it. And also, the first time I watched it, I absolutely hated it. And then I mentioned it to friends, and they had such a soft spot in their heart for this. That it made me see it in a different way. And I did too before putting it on now. I just remembered it as that movie I saw as a kid that had some boobs in it. Yeah. And the boobs were good. The boobs were good. I love boobs.

I said five commercials for the actual movie, ten commercials for the boobs. So seven out of twenty. Yeah. Total commercials. So yeah, that's Time Cop. As as of this recording it is streaming free on youtube with ads comment section this is kind of cool because it is on youtube there is there are comments so you know if you watch something on netflix no comments with youtube you get a whole comment section of entertainment after the movie uh is there anything good in there okay so you

mentioned something early about like how it's's like Van Damme is the one doing all the work, and then some guy's kind of just falling into him or whatever as he's fighting him. Someone feels differently. One comment is, the knife fight scene is hilarious. The bad guy is doing all the work,

and Van Damme is literally holding the knife still. I disagree completely, but there was another one that I loved, and it was about the roof of that house. I got to find it. Somebody's like, I have that roof. You can't stay on that roof. You'd slide right off. I've tried.

There's somebody getting angry about, like, because they're like, I have that roof. You can't climb that roof. So the guy doesn't have a problem with time travel. No. He was just, oh, here it is. As someone who owned a house with a roof that steep, I had to laugh. You cannot climb a roof that steep, especially when it's wet. You slide right off.

A lot of angry roof heads in the comments. Oh, wait, there's three. Took me out of the movie. I could not enjoy it. Wait, wait. There's three comments, three replies to that comment. Someone said, oh, there's three. Took me out of the movie. I could not enjoy it. Wait, wait, there's three comments, three replies to that comment. Someone said, oh, and time travel is real?

It's a movie, guy. Yeah, but they can't even get the real parts right. Oh, God, LOL. Who cares? That comment is great, because I also... And then someone's like, sorry, Hitler. Oh, wow. You got to Hitler in the comments of Time Cop?

Honestly, it's the person's name who mentioned the thing about the roof is at Te Butterfly Effect. So it's the, but spelled wrong. It's T-E-H and then Butterfly Effect. Adorable. Very cute. I want to know if you have a house like that, can we come check it out? Because I want that house. Yes.

Shoot us an email. Let us know can we fuck around on your roof for a while and see if we slide off we need to know the comment section of time cop demands that we explanation we need to know

Emily before we say goodbye anything you want to plug anything coming up I'm on mythical kitchen meals of History episode should be coming back to Mythical Kitchen soon in 2024. And I think that's it. Yeah.

I have a graphic novel coming out in 2024. It's going to be a great year for entertainment. It's called Youth Group. It is a YA horror comedy about goofy teenage exorcists. I did it with the great artist Bowen McGurdy. And you can pre-order it now wherever you get your books. It's called Youth Group. It is a YA horror comedy about goofy teenage exorcists. I did it with the great artist Bowen McGurdy. And you can preorder it now wherever you get your books. It's called Youth Group.

Give it a preorder. Can I tell you something really cool about your books? Because you wrote another amazing graphic novel, Bubble. Ah, shucks. Co-wrote. Thank you. I appreciate it. So I've been reading that lately.

And then this thing came up on TikTok. And it was like, the name of your vagina is the last book you read. Bubble. Yep. That's a cute name for a pussy. Thank you. Oh. Aw.

Well, from me, from Emily, from bubble, her vagina. To your bubble. That's Free With Ads. Tune in next week when our movie will be... 2009's He's Just Not That Into You. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.