Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Best of The News Quiz 2024

Episode Date: January 10, 2025

A satirical smorgasbord of The News Quiz's best bits of the year. Covering international tensions, a UK General Election, and of course the question on everyone’s lips, what exactly was a ‘Brat Summer’?With Andy Zaltzman in the chair, full of whimsical animal metaphors and cricket stats, we’ll hear highlights from the crème de la crème of British and international comedy and journalism to dissect the news. It's a chance to return to, and revel in, some of 2024's funniest moments, starring Ian Smith, Lucy Porter, Geoff Norcott, Alasdair Beckett-King, Mark Steel, Ria Lina, Simon Evans and Zoe Lyons, amongst others.Come digest a dramatic year of news, along with the leftover turkey, as we say goodbye to 2024, goodbye to 14 years or Conservative rule, goodbye to short-lived presidential hopeful Kamala Harris, and goodbye to Earth’s temporary second moon.Written and presented by Andy ZaltzmanProducer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Coordinator: Jodie CharmanA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4 An Eco-Audio certified Production

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. BBC Sounds Music Radio podcasts. Hello, I am Andy Zoltzman and this is the official News Quiz Review of 2024. So this frankly substandard decade has just barrelled snout first into its halfway point, so what better time to look back at the last 12 months, or at least the bits of the last 12 months that we've been on air for, which is about half of those 12 months. The year began with Britain looking to the horizon and not much liking what it saw. The national scandal dating back 25 years was jabbed firmly back into the public eye

like an unwanted pickled carrot by a public inquiry and much more importantly and effectively by a hit TV drama series. Our first question goes to Ian and Aisha. Which television programme has brought a national scandal into the spotlight? The Teletubbies. Right. Can you explain? Not one of them had a TV licence.

Well, yeah, it's the big post office drama. Right. Can you explain... Not one of them had a TV licence. LAUGHTER Well, yeah, it's the big post office drama... Correct...which I haven't watched, and I'm not going to watch it because I know what happens now. Right. I know that it's a serious miscarriage of justice, but what I will say is, so the last time I went to the post office, someone had finished and I went up to the counter and the woman there, without looking me in the eye, said,

I'm not ready yet. So I walked back to the queue and as soon as I got back to the queue, she pressed the thing that went, cashier number four, please. So what I'm saying is I wouldn't mind if some of them are in prison. LAUGHTER Some of them deserve it. When I first heard about a Royal Mail scandal, everyone was like, oh, what's Andrew done now?

And also, I found this really, really difficult as a kind of an Asian person because it was like post office owners versus IT guys and it was horrible to see my people turn against each other. Very very uncomfortable. But just on one serious note, the thing that is so extraordinary about this is we've had a lot of scandals recently and this just sums up the British legal system. We've got Michelle Mohn who is innocent until proven guilty and you have these post office people who are guilty until proved otherwise. It is just absolutely mad. The real scandal of this is after all this they're still using the Horizon thing, they're

still using this technology. It's a bit like Infant Terminator, they'd have gone, okay Skynet did become self-aware and tried to kill everyone and everything but we've had a chat with the programmers and we think that we fixed most of the glitches now it's and you know the post office as well even if they do deliver compensation they'll probably leave it with a neighbor Miscarriages of justice traditionally a proud pillar of our national heritage and one of the very few that still seems to be functioning just as well as ever. Another stalwart plank of our nation, of course, is the news quiz, which has been impartially

quipping about current affairs ever since the famous special Go Home Romans episode in 55 BC. But we came under fire for a perceived lack of balance. For the sake of balance, I should emphasise that not everyone thinks the show lacks balance. I'm not saying who's right or wrong it's just important to present both sides of the argument. Transport Minister Hugh Merriman described which BBC Radio 4 show which you, yes you, I'm talking to you are currently listening to as completely biased. Oh I feel so awful. So Hugh Merriman, Transport Secretary, said that he listened to the first 10 minutes of last week's show and it was completely anti-Tory bias and I'm just so glad he didn't listen to the last 20 minutes.

No genuinely I wept because I'm such a fan of Hugh Merriman. I don't know about you guys, but he's always been my absolute fave. I'm a Mary fan, I'll admit it. His lovely rich hair, have you seen his lovely hair? His eyes like limpid pools. His breath smells of butterscotch angel delights. And my whole family were like, you've upset Hugh Merrim and my kids, we're in tears. Mummy, he's our favourite apart from Grant Schapps. So yeah, I'm just, I'm so sorry to Hugh and to all who say in him. But then he went on to say the BBC's bias. The other example he gave was that he'd been attacked on Universal Credit by Neil Buchanan, which unfortunately Neil Buchanan is the name

of a children's TV presenter who worked on ITV. So it wasn't a brilliant interview for Hugh. So yeah, you got the wrong Buchanan. I think he meant Neil Buchanan, the Whig MP for Glasgow from 1741. Isn't the internet fun? But of course, I mean, the Art Stack was ITV, was it? But there's a long history on the BBC of using children's art shows to promulgate anti-Tory propaganda. You listened to this from the supposedly neutral Tony Hart on the Heartbeat show back in 1988.

Hello and welcome to another Heartbeat. And today the theme is all to do with stone. Now that sounds perfectly innocent but what happens when we play it backwards? It's a bit hazy me for... Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! Out, out, out! Oh, oh! As the Conservative Party were to find out over the following few months, some people had genuinely become very biased against the Tories, those people being their own voters. In May interim Prime Minister Rishi Sunak wetly called a general election and soon he

and Labour leader Keir Starmer went on the telly to debate the state of the nation. The problem with Rishi is he does come across like the bloke that you know when your teacher would say on a Thursday there's a test tomorrow, Rishi is he does come across like the bloke that you know when your teacher would say on a Thursday There's a test tomorrow Rishi would be going yes He thinks he should be prime minister because he revised hard enough for it doesn't he and He's definitely got head boy vibes, and I think the star me is like it's just alright He sort of seems like the first bloke that your mum dates after getting divorced, and he's got that Yeah, fine, I don't think he's her one, but certainly why she rebuilds

her self-esteem, you know? He seems like a... He treats her nice. I think that is the most accurate explanation of our political landscape I've ever heard, Geoff, I'd say. Soon the parties had to, regretfully, lay out their proposals to win the support or more realistically the temporary grudging tolerance of a sceptical demoralised voting public. It was manifestable season. Everyone's got their manifestos this week. I think the conservatives have the most forlorn manifesto I think. It's kind of like a sort of marriage guidance therapy manifesto. Kind of going like, I can change.

And my new boyfriend's really boring. Give me another chance. It's like no other field of life would be acceptable to act like the conservative manifesto. It's like your builder going, you know, I thought we'd give your new conservatory a sort of Palace of Versailles feel. Cornersing.

And you're going like, but you built the garage out of mud and it fell down in a week. But it's the chutzpah of it that I quite admire. We'll do it differently next time because we can just didn't. They don't seem confident. I don't know if you've seen the Tory manifesto, but the cover is a picture of Rishi Sunak clearing his desk. Just putting like gonks and potted plants in a cardboard box.

We also had the Labour manifestifesto, of course, just today, yesterday or whatever, on Thursday. It was the front of the evening standard. It said Keir Starmer wants to relight Britain's fire and I thought his speech was sort of amazing because he basically said, how can we escape this feeling of insecurity? I need you so much and I'm not sure you really need me. But if we all stand up, etc. For me, Starmer's Labour government is going to be like Turkish Delights. You know, go with me. You know, when you read the Chronicles of Narnia, you hear about Turkish Delights.

And I spent my entire adult life thinking I would love Turkish Delights. And then when you actually try Turkish Delight, this is horrible. I hate this. I'm not enjoying this at all. I had the same with lions from regional conference. Real disappointment. Isn't it a vital theme always of like Labour governments that Labour voters don't like them? It's not just always happen. You know it's like Labour sort of in its tireless war against the real enemy that is Labour.

And that's still a good amount of infighting, isn't it? I mean, it does look like Labour's going to win, but they're not taking it lying down. They're not going up without a fight. With polling day looming, we at the News Quiz decided to unleash the animals. One of the key issues in this election campaign is all the key issues that have barely been talked about, the so-called elephants in the room. So in this, our last News Quiz before we all vote, we thought we should hear from those elephants. Bring in the elephants!

Just hope we don't have another Blue Peter incident. Our panelists will choose one of the elephants in the room. The elephant will tell them what undiscussed, avoided, or under the carpeted election issue they represent. Our panel simply have to translate that issue from elephant into English. Luckily, I speak elephant. Benefits of a private education is basically

the same as Latin. I'm African, but I don't speak elephant. Jeff and Katie, choose your elephant. Do you want elephant A, B, C, D or E? What do you think Katie? C. Okay, elephant C. Right, which much overlooked election issue was that?

I think that the elephant sounds disappointed. Yeah, it sounded like they had hoped for deregulation outside the EU but it hasn't really materialized in the way they thought. And I think maybe they thought there'd be a few more trade deals. They thought that yeah there'd be more trade deals and Britain would become like sort of small like Singapore on Thames rather than Brussels by the sea. Yeah. Is that our elephant? That is correct, it is Brexit. Why do you think there's been so little Brexit talk in this campaign? Well, it's funny because if you ask a politician that, they'll say no one cares about Brexit

anymore. But then you think, well, if no one cares, why are you so scared to mention it? Because even the Lib Dems don't want to talk about it very much. And Keir Starmer doesn't want to go anywhere near it because I think the Red Wall voters is trying to get back. Lots of voters in 2019 didn't like the Labour position and then Rishi Sinek doesn't massively want to talk about it, even though he's done a tweet or two because there's lots of voters on the right going to reform who think he's done a bad job of delivering it. So no one really wants to go near it And it means they're all kind of being there off the hook

because the others don't want to accuse the other because then they would have to talk about it. Right. It is a forbidden word. If you stand in front of a mirror and you say Brexit, Brexit, Brexit. Noddy Farage appears. So election day arrived. The Sun newspaper finally endorsed Labour, reminiscent of when they picked the USA to win the race to the moon, just as Neil Armstrong's foot was emerging from the Apollo 11 lunar landing

module. And sure enough, Labour's vote share slumped disastrously and they romped to victory. Thanks be to democracy, it moves in mysterious ways. I mean, can you call it a win if your opponent cuts off one of their legs and then tries to finish the race as two separate athletes? It is confusing. I mean, it's like, so Keir Starmer, he's now got a mandate to do the very important things for Britain that are so important for Britain that he didn't want to risk blowing his chance to get to do them by telling us what they were beforehand, which is great. But there is this sort of looming sense that it's like an imperfect victory,

even though it's such a massive victory, which I think it's a bit... I'm not sure about that because it's like, it is done now. We are done with elections until the next election. It's like if you have a this sort of vicious drunken fight with your other half and about all about who was an idiot at a party, and you come home and you shout at each other and you narrowly win the argument and then the next morning your wife is like well we need to reopen that and you go no no no we'll talk about it again in five years. As Labour said about the challenging task of meeting the expectations it had so skillfully lowered, attention popped across the Atlantic

to the quadrennial festival of national self-loathing that is an American presidential election and Joe Biden hit the ground stumbling. He clearly isn't up to the job at the moment. He really, really isn't and the only person that's going to take him out of that position apparently is the Lord Almighty. Yes. So which sounds quite dramatic. But you know, I mean the thing about it is he's only three years older than Trump. But Trump has done that incredible thing of being both alive and mummified at the same time. I think Trump is like one of those fast food burgers that if you put it in a cupboard it just won't decompose. If you dug him up they'd be like, yep, that's Trump, yeah. He's just made up of highly preserved burger meat and Dorito dust.

That's him. And he'll probably still be riding quite high in the polls at that point. He'll probably be doing well. People were originally behind him after the debate. There was a lot of sort of democratic support for him, sort of going, you know. But then this week, George Clooney, one of the biggest democratic fundraisers, has come out and gone, he's not up to the job. And he should know because he was an ER doctor for a very long time. It's his family really though isn't it?

It's Jill Biden and we all know why people hate it when their spouses retire. I mean I think that the problem is you mentioned how you know Trump is also old but the difficulty for Biden is that people won't vote for Biden because they think he might be mad and detached from reality. Whereas for Trump, people want to vote for him because he is mad and detached from reality. Freshly convicted felon Donald Trump was now looking an almost unassailable favourite to win November's election. He survived an assassination attempt, prompting a rare instance of the American right criticising gun violence, and his besotted supporters took to their first aid kits to show their adoration for their Hall of Fame nation splitter.

I think it's very sweet that they're all wearing the little ear plaster to support him. I'm going to support Biden with his Covid and just go back to bed. LAUGHTER My favourite bit is when the Secret Service came out trying to defend their lack of service. And they said, oh, we couldn't put guys in that roof. I'm like, what? They're like, yeah, we couldn't. Where the shooter was, their roof was a bit loose. And I thought, at no point have I ever watched James Bond

or the Bourne identity and two guys have jumped over a face, scaled a building and went, have you seen a risk assessment for this? LAUGHTER Yeah, the movies, you know, you sort of, you picture them leaping in front going, nooooo! Whereas what actually happened was they were like,

well, duck if you want, I'm not your mum. LAUGHTER They nailed the secret bit. LAUGHTER Because you didn't know they were there. But it was interesting watching him sort of go down and then he said, like, where are my shoes? That's what he said, didn't he? He had sort of blood on his face. He was being bundled to the ground. And I thought, that's a night out in Nottingham.

I've heard people say, where are my shoes? I've heard it. They also said, we need to take violence away from American politics. And I was like, Abraham Lincoln was literally assassinated. You have always had violence in American politics. What are you talking about? He said, I've been doing this forever. The guy never got in the school rifle club.

This school had a rifle club. Well, it's also, I mean, it's Trump as well, it's like the riot guy, you know the riot guy is the guy who's saying you've got to take violence out of politics. The guy who literally got them to storm the parliament is the guy who's saying it's getting a bit violent guys. I mean come on. Are you suggesting there might be elements of hypocrisy in American political discourse? As America continued to eviscerate itself as only America can, the starmer government over here,

fresh from its eight-minute honeymoon period, found that it wasn't just the mathematical contortions of the first-past-the-post system that didn't quite add up, nor did our national accounts. £22 billion had apparently gone missing, and we had to pay for it somehow. So how they're going to do it is what they always do, things like library. Because that's where the 22 billion quid's gone, isn't it, over the last, that's who's caused the 22 billion deficit, is libraries. That's what's happened. The energy companies, bless them, the shareholders of the energy companies have done as much

as they can, they've been as kind as possible. No, no, no, have all our money. But libraries, you go into any library and there's gold-plated Agatha Christie's everywhere. Kettering library, do you know who they've got as a librarian? Beyonce. Finally, the word is out because libraries try to keep it quiet for years. I love the idea of Beyonce being a librarian, that if you liked it then you should have put a hold on it.

Now as all of our American listeners are no doubt aware, there's a famous old saying in American politics, if in doubt, groundlessly accuse immigrants of eating people's pets. Are you an American cat or dog? Are you worried that you've been nibbled at, chewed, or swallowed by someone from another country? Then you might be... entirely fictional. Well, that is further conclusive evidence, and I'm sure you will all agree with me on this that America's foolhardy 248 year experiment in going it alone is going very badly indeed. Come home America, no shame, lovely idea, you gave it a good crack, it just hasn't worked out, all is

forgiven. Keir Starmer meanwhile was discovering the first law of being Prime Minister. It's not easy so don't make it unnecessarily harder for yourself by taking a bucket load of freebies, having constantly criticised the previous government for taking bucket loads of freebies. Ian, I don't know who pays for your clothes. Yeah, it's very hard to slam someone about their appearance on the radio. You can just go back to everyone we made up, say, why don't you have any clothes on, Simon? It's hard to slam someone about their appearance on the radio. LAUGHTER You can just go back to everyone we made up, and say, why don't you have any clothes on, Simon?

LAUGHTER Andy, why have you drawn that offensive moustache on your top lip? Why are the audience all looking like this? I've reacted very badly there. I've reacted like a man who clearly doesn't look good because I've gone very defensive very quickly. I could do with David Lammy defending me. David Lammy's come to Keir Starmer's defense. He said the matter was not a transparency issue, which is very good when we're talking about clothes. But yeah, he said this happens a lot and that Keir Starmer and his wife want to look their best

to represent the UK and I don't mean this as any disrespect to any of us, but I think if you really want to represent the UK, looking your best is not the way to do it. Now whilst the amount of money in the public coffers might have been shrinking, some things were going up and up. We're going to get a second moon. Second moon to send all the astrology girls crazy. It's a little asteroid, which still seems quite big to me if we're counting it as a moon. It's getting pulled into the Earth's orbit, so for I think it's like a month and a bit, spare moon.

Yeah, quite exciting though, isn't it? It is exciting. Say what you want about starmon, but you said change is going to begin. Last 14 years, one moon. Three months in, he's doubled the moons. It's about time as well that I think the moons had it too good for too long. If you look at like Jupiter and Saturn, they've got lots of moons and they've all got individual names, the moon is so arrogant. What's your name?

The moon. I am the moon. So I think we need to come up with a name for the moon now because it isn't just the moon, it can't be called the moon too. Can't be, I can't believe this like libertarian moon economics that you're coming up with. Oh, the free market will solve the moon's arrogance problem.

It'll get competitive again and start, I don't know, giving women more periods. Like, I don't understand. You just wait for this rash of werewolves that come in every fortnight. Oh, God, yeah, there's going to be so many werewolves. Starmor, you've done it again! Sadly our temporary micro moon did not hang around for long, unimpressed by what Earth could offer it as a moon and hoping for a planet that was better able to look after itself. Stung by this rejection, the news quiz instantly concocted some plans to make

the world a better place. I think it's time that we hand over power to people in the world that are worse affected by what is going on at the moment and that is why I think only's time that we hand over power to people in the world that are worse affected by what is going on at the moment. And that is why I think only women and children should be allowed to run the world currently. That is it. I mean, it sounds so obvious when you put it in those simple terms. I think we need more podcasts. I think I've cracked it.

Right. Well, that is a hugely beneficial suggestion. Alastair? I try to stay positive. In the spirit of de-escalation through escalation, I've started jogging through sitting down. I call it couch to not okay. That's really helped. Yeah, I mean it's a tough week to digest news. Is there anything if you do personally to just try and lighten your own mood

during weeks like this when the news is just unremittingly shit? Drinking, bake-off, Korean takeaway. All right. I had a little session on the kids' trampoline the other day. All right, OK. I don't think you can be annoyed at the world when you're bouncing. But it's a good point, you make. Brian E. Page, who won Olympic gold in trampolining this year,

has never started a war. The mini moon was not the only thing to leave the scene in October. I did as well. Well, those test matches in Pakistan weren't going to statistically analyse themselves, were they? Whilst I was away, Jeff Norcott kept tabs on the first Conservative leadership election for more than two, count them, two whole years. Whose surname didn't save him this week? Cleverly, James Cleverly. Yeah, it is James Cleverly.

On Wednesday, after surging ahead in round three of their leadership contest, James Cleverly was unceremoniously dumped out as Robert Jenrick and Kemmy Badenock made the final two. So having been destroyed in the polls after lurching to the right, the Tories have done the smart thing and lurched further to the right. It's good stuff. Yeah. You know, you ever come out of a nightclub with your mate and

you're both too drunk to drive, that's what these two candidates are like. None of you are fit for the job. Yeah, I mean, it's interesting because the Tories saw cleverly. He did give a really good speech. And they were like, we're not having any of that. All right It's not what we do here. Okay

He's an odd boy any generic generally. I've never seen a man that needs a session on a sunbed more It's the end of the summer and he's gray What's he doing? Get outside? Do you know why are you so indoorsy? He looks like a shade you can only get in a fancy paint shop. If the inner workings of the Conservative Party remain one of humanity's great unsolved mysteries, so too does the economy, as our next stand-in host, Lucy Porter, and her guests discussed.

Ria and Hugo, what might be the cause of a sudden lack of interest in the economy? Okay, so inflation has fallen to 1.7%, which means if things carry on like this this time next year, if you want to bribe a government minister, you'll have to give them, I think, 1.017 Taylor Swift tickets. Nobody understands it. Nobody understands the economy at all. It's like that movie Tenet.

I think the economy is being directed by Christopher Nolan, if I'm honest, because nobody quite gets one goes down, one goes up, one does the other. But let's be clear, this is a blip. Unless it continues to last, this is a blip. It's like when you skip dinner and then weigh yourself first thing in the morning the next day and you're like, oh my god, I lost a kilo. It'll be back by lunchtime. It's because airline ticket prices are falling is the main thing and it's like fuel prices well it's like I wasn't buying that for airline not really okay well your inflation can stay up at 2% then thank you so we can get a plane to

somewhere but we can't afford to pay we can get a plane to somewhere but we can't afford to pay our mortgage? We can get a plane to somewhere less increasingly expensively than we could before. I blame decimalisation. The news quiz's year came to an end with Ian Smith in the temporary chair, just in time to not know for certain whether or not America wanted to stick its national fingers back into the dodgily wired electric socket that is a Donald Trump presidency. Trump is of course famously both the most and least American American there has ever been and he was planning to put someone equally American and non-American into his cabinet in the form of the world's leading obviously fictitious cartoon evil genius. Now I don't want to be a hipster about this but I was disliking Elon Musk before it was cool. In the early days, everyone was like, oh, he's doing jetpacks, he's doing electric car,

he's like Iron Man, he's amazing. And I remember someone saying to me, have you heard about Elon Musk? He's a South African billionaire. And somehow, based only on that information, I formed an opinion. Now, obviously it's wrong to hold stereotypes about wealthy white South Africans, but it does save time, doesn't it? The Democrats are obsessed with the idea that there's going to be like a procedural way that

they're going to win. It's like someone sort of hits you in the face with a custard pie and then starts kicking you and you just sort of go that's illegal actually. I was also thinking those checks are so embarrassing if you won a million dollars have you seen them they're so big but if you win one of those checks you have to I think you have to go to a bank with it. LAUGHTER How are you going to carry it? Cos you're going to fold it and then you'll worry that they'll go, oh, it's been tampered with, so you're going to carry it really neatly all the way there. It's all automated now as well. I wouldn't cash it in.

You have to, like, put the check in the machine. LAUGHTER And ram it in like, come on! Well, you take a photo of it with your phone, but you need to be, like, so far away. LAUGHTER So there we go. 2.5% of the way through the millennium. Will you take a photo of it with your phone? But you need to be like so far away. So there we go. 2.5% of the way through the millennium. We've only got 975 years to pull it round. Can we do it? It's looking touch and go. Will 2025 be better? Let me look into

my crystal ball. Well, all I can see is a weeping penguin, so still not clear. Anyway, do tune in to the news quiz as we fearlessly chart the 26th candidate for stupidest year of the third millennium. Happy Old Year to you all, and hopefully an even happier New Year. The News Quiz 2024 compilation was written and hosted by me, Andy Zoltzman. The producer was Sam Holmes,

and it was at BBC Studios' audio production for Radio 4. Best medicine, dissecting funny and fascinating medicine. I think pain management is the best medicine. Bibliotherapy. Therapy by books. Sleep. Well, spot the comedian! Celebrating medicine's past, present and future.

I think transplantation is the best medicine because it can completely change someone's life. Defibrillation. Oh defibrillator, it's okay. Amazing machines, that much is clear. Sorry, CLEAR! That's the new series of Best Medicine from Radio 4 with me, Kiri Pritchett-McLean, available now on BBC Sounds. Yoga is more than just exercise.

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World of Secrets is where untold stories are unveiled and hidden realities are exposed. In this new series, we're confronting the dark side of the wellness industry, where the hope of a spiritual breakthrough gives way to disturbing accusations. You just get sucked in so gradually and it's done so skillfully that you don't realize.

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