Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 22nd December

Episode Date: January 19, 2024

Topical satire, featuring all the people you’d least like to have Christmas dinner with.There are debut appearances from Baroness Mone, Katherine Jenkins and the new Doctor Who, Ncuti Gatwa. Sunak and King Charles give their end of year speeches, and there is a surprise guest on Naked Attraction. This episode was written by: Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, Edward Tew, Robert Darke, Rachel E Thorn, Joe Topping, Alex Bertullis-Fernandes and Chris Donovan. Performed by Jon Culshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisbey.Produced and created by Bill DareA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4An EcoAudio certified production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Dead ringers! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson... And Martha Carney. As is the season of joy, merriment and festive fun, we on Today are devoting most of the programme to the subjects of death, assisted dying and palliative care.

The headlines. Britain is in the grip of pre-Christmas travel chaos. Some truly horrendous car crashes have happened already. Three on the M1, two on the M25, and a really massive one on Sunday with Laura Koonsberg. Yes, Michelle Moan and her husband gave Koonsberg an exclusive interview. You came away unimpressed, didn't you, Laura?

Oh, indeed, Nick. Their story had more holes in it than the dodgy PPE gowns they flogged to the NHS. And the clincher was when Michelle said she couldn't have had anything to do with it as she was in a pizza express in Woking at the time. Baroness Michelle Moan joins me now. Hello.

Glad of the chance to come on here and clear my name. You haven't heard the Today programme, have you? No. What about all the money? The £60 million? Have you really no access to any of it? None at all, unless Doogie comes home one night like my working-class dad did to my working-class mum and says, Michelle, here's £15 million.

Go down the co-op pit and buy us some tin to have on another big yacht. The fact is, I can't say that I've done anything wrong. In that case, I think you should have gone to Specsavers. Don't go to Specsavers, Nick. I can supply

you with these perfect spectacles. Only £10,000 a pair. Those are joke plastic specs with googly eyes on springs. How dare you, Nick. That's very upsetting. Can you see how my bottom lip is quivering?

Which is a bonus for me as that's the only part of my face that moves at all. Meanwhile in the Labour Party the final opinion polls of the year show Keir Starmer's party is still 23 points ahead of the Tories. He joins me now. This is no time for complacency, Nick. I will continue to show a British public desperate for radical change that my Labour government will be basically just like the Tories

but with not quite so many sex pests. What does it feel like knowing you're going to be Prime Minister in 2024? Thrilling? Exciting? Oh, don't say that, Nick. Are you worried about looking complacent? No. It's because if you say it three times, he

appears. Oh, come on. That's just an urban myth. No. No, it's true. Rubbish. And I'll prove it. Ke appears. Oh, come on. That's just an urban myth. No, no, it's true. Rubbish. And I'll prove it. Keir Starmer, you're going to be PM in 24. Stop. You're going to be PM in 24.

No. You're going to be PM in 24. Oh, now you've done it. Oh, hello, everyone. Anyone want a bacon sandwich? Oh, well, I suppose another decade in opposition won't be so bad. There was a mixed reaction to England goalkeeper Mary Earps winning the BBC Sports Personality of the Year.

No, no, no, let me speak. Big Nigel's message to Alderpsey is very simple. Coming first in a competition is nowhere near as good as finishing third, love. We're British. We love an underdog. Coming first is for Americans and husbands on their wedding night. Piers Morgan was also critical of Earps being the winner. Your reaction to that, Serena Wigman? Well, he's obviously out of step with public opinion.

I just wish that Piers could hear all the lovely messages Mary received on her phone. to that Serena Wiegmann? Well, he's obviously out of step with public opinion. I just wish that Piers could hear all the lovely messages Mary received on her phone. Oh, yes, I forgot. He probably already has. With us now is a former winner. Andy Murray was, er, the right choice? Who cares, Martha? I'm sorry?

The awards lost its mojo. It used to be about celebrating big, firebrand, charismatic characters in sports, like myself and Lewis Hamilton. The nominees these days are just too boring. these days are just too boring. Honestly, sometimes I worry that renegade mavericks like myself are a dying breed. Deal or No Deal has returned to our screens with Stephen Mulhern taking over from Noel Edmonds. But there have been calls to go with a different host.

Guess who? That's right, me. Think about it. On Deal or No Deal, you have to gamble with unknown pots of dosh that aren't yours. Hello? Am I an expert in that or what?

And even better, you get to open a big red box with absolutely sod all in it, just like the one my bestie Quasi used to carry around before I mugged him off. I'd say the truster is perfect for this job. I would slay! Am I right?

I know! Prince Andrew's alleged links to Jeffrey Epstein will come under fresh scrutiny this Christmas after a New York judge ordered the release of a list of names of Epstein's closest associates. The judge is making a list. He's checking it twice. He's going to find out who was naughty and who was a sickeningly depraved sex pest.

In other news, doctors have claimed that the risk of penile fractures rises over Christmas. This is due to increased levels of men coming into the kitchen and telling their partners, oh, you shouldn't cook the potatoes like that. After passengers were suspected of taking drugs, a Ryanair plane performed a U-turn an hour into the journey. The airline stated drugs would not be allowed on their flights until such time that they could find a way to charge extra

for them. Artist Grayson Perry was left shocked after opening an energy bill that charged him £39,000. The energy company have responded that Perry simply didn't understand the bill. It was actually an avant-garde experimental artwork designed to challenge our perceptions of what a bill could be. BBC Radio 2 You're back with Rylan.

Hair by L'Oreal, teeth by Armaged Shanks. Right. Island. Hair by L'Oreal, teeth by Armaged Shanks. Right, joining me now is the lovely Stacey Solomon. Now, we all know how house-proud Stacey is, so I want to hear all your Christmas plans in detail, babes. You OK, babes? Yeah, you OK, babes? I'm so OK, babes. Are you OK, babes? Yeah, I'm so OK, babes. You OK, babes? Yeah, you OK, babes? I'm so OK, babes. Are you OK, babes?

Yeah, I'm so OK, babes. You OK, babes? I'm OK, babes. You OK? Yeah, so I'm OK, babes. I mean, if you're OK, then I'm OK, babes. I'm OK as long as you're OK, babes. Are you OK, babes? I'm OK, babes. So OK, babes.

I'm totally OK, babes. OK, babes. All right, babes, OK. OK, babes. OK, babes. That's OK, babes. And wees. Alright babes, okay. Okay babes. Okay babes. That's okay babes. And we're out of time. People of Britain, this is your

elf on a shelf Prime Minister. Christmas is upon us. The nation is rushing around making last minute preparations and I'm no different. Can you believe we're out of carrots to leave for Santa's reindeer? Let's just hope I can find a space in the Tesco car park to land my helicopter.

And yes, the Sunak household still believes in Father Christmas. The notion of a jolly fat man sneaking into multiple bedrooms in the dead of night does not seem at all far-fetched when you've lived next to Boris Johnson. As 2023 draws to a close, it's time to reflect on everything we've achieved over the last 12 months. At the start of the year, I made five key pledges and I'm proud to say we have delivered on all one of them. I said we'd halve inflation and and inflation has halved. And just wait till next year, when the first plane load of inflation finally takes off for Rwanda. I have to say,

the Tory party in general has done incredible things. I'm talking, of course, about all our backbenchers who've been expelled. In fact, disgraced ex-Tories now sitting as independents is currently the third largest parliamentary groping... Sorry, grouping. So a big shout-out to the likes of Scott Benton, Julian Knight, Chris Pincher and Peter Bone for going above and beyond. Drugs, prostitutes, bullying and assault. If that's not a Tory election slogan in waiting, I don't know what is. or a Tory election slogan in waiting, I don't know what is. And now on BBC One, the Doctor Who Christmas special.

Shruti Gatwa has his first adventure with his new companion. OK, so I'm back, baby. You and me are going to have so many adventures. You up for that Ruby Sunday? I am so up for it, Doctor. Well, let's programme the TARDIS and away we go! Excuse me, sir, is this your vehicle? Who are you?

I'm from the Time Police, sir. Well, well, this is a very expensive-looking craft you've got. I'm going to believe this is your TARDIS, Sonny. Sonny? Yes, of course it's my TARDIS. I've been travelling in this for 2,000 years. I've been Scottish, Scouse, Northern and a woman, yet somehow I've never been stopped by the time police until now. Funny, that. I hope you're not insinuating that there's something different about you

that suddenly prompts unwarranted police attention. There's actually a very valid reason I stopped you, Sonny. I believe I can smell cannabis in this vehicle. You're nicked. You cannot do this. Could somebody please tell me what's going on here? No way. I'm not taking this treatment. Officer, release that young man and his companion now.

Oh, wow. Tom Baker. Wait. So is this like a time slip to Doctor's episode where we join forces across a fissure in time and space to defeat the Daleks in both of our Earth timelines? No, no. None of that bollocks, no. I'm here to retrieve my

wacky backy. I knew that Leela must have left it in here somewhere in 1977. Silly moo, goodbye. Shut it, losers. This is the Donald. this is the Donald now as you know I read the book of God every day

I love the Bibble and my favorite part of the Holy Bibble is Genesis Genesis Phil Collins versus Mike and the Mechanics

chapter 2 the part about Christmas Genesis Phil Collins versus Mike and the Mechanics Chapter 2 The part about Christmas Now as we all know There were three wise men So wise, great guys So wise they knew the last election was rigged And they followed a star And when the star realized he was being followed,

he turned around and grabbed him by the pussy. Because you can do that when you're a star. Just grab them right in the magi. What a great star he was. So great. I met him at Jeffrey Epstein's place. Nice guy. And the star and the wise man came to a place called Bethlehem. Bethlehem. They found Jesus in a stable with animals defecating and urinating everywhere.

It's disgusting. I'm not into that. It was fake news and Putin promised me he will never release those tapes. So the Colorado Supreme Court has ruled I cannot run for president next year in the state, citing a constitutional insurrection clause. So sad. Bigly sad. Who cares about their constitutional insurrection clause? Because I have my own clause.

Santa Claus. He's on my side because all the Supreme Court judges I appointed say that Donald's been a good boy all year, so I get my very own Christmas presidency. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new

Cinnabon Pull ApartApart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. This series on The Crown. Charles marries Camilla. William meets Kate, and the acting and dialogue get progressively worse until you'll be begging Nicholas Whitchell to shoot them all.

Oh, Camilla, it's amazing how far we've come. William's happy at St Andrews, Harry's happy at Eton, and in a couple of years, we can be married. Can you believe it? Charles, there's really nothing that can stop us now. Ah, excuse me, excuse me! VIP coming through! Who the devil are you?

I'm Meghan Markle, the insufferable people's princess. Typical that a white male like you wouldn't remember someone like me. But I've never met you before. Never having met someone is a microaggression. In 2018, I marry your son. But the crowd only goes up to 2005. Precisely, you colonial pig. Which means it's not going to feature me at all.

I'm being discriminated against purely on the basis of chronology. This whole show should be about me. Me, me, me. I've had just about enough of this whiny self-obsession. Goose to Diana. That's right, bitches. I'm back. As a crude, dramatic device.

Again. There's only room for one diva in this family. Give me back that tiara, you harpy... Help! Help me! Stop that! Stop that! Now, I don't know who the hell you think you are, Megan, but... Shut it, sausage fingers! This is the Megan Show now.

We're going to sit in a circle and talk about how my terrible childhood at a private school in Hollywood means that I can't eat wheat. Jesus. Thank God I'm dead. For the perfect festive experience, why not download the new album from

operatic superstar Catherine Jenkins? You know, there are just so many Christmas records that are all about peace, love and togetherness. But this is the one I've always wanted to make, one that captures the true meaning of Christmas. Slanging matches, family feuds and drunken tirades. So sit back and relax as Catherine sings all the Barneys you have with the relatives at Christmas.

With tracks like... And this contemporary classic... Why don't you ever listen, Mum? I told you my new boyfriend was vegan and no, that doesn't mean he eats fish. Download today and get this bonus New Year's track absolutely free. Does anyone know what day we're meant to put the bins out? Cos I haven't a bloody clue. Right, let's crack on. Episode two of my podcast,

Yvette Cooper's had quite enough of all this crap. As a newly realised woman who's got to that age where she stops giving two turds what other people think, I must say life's improved. For example, if my hairdresser holds up a mirror and asks, how's that? I don't say, lovely, thanks. I say, you've made me look like a plomobile scarecrow again, Marco. Sort it out now or I'm Google reviewing you into oblivion.

And if I'm invited to a party I don't want to go to, I don't make a polite excuse. I say, I'd rather kek in my hands and clap. polite excuse, I say, I'd rather kek in my hands and clap. I've had my fill of short, bald husbands talking about how Clarkson's farm is actually surprisingly watchable. Thank you very much. So here's a new feature now. What's got Yvette Cooper's goat this week? Apparently the UK has approved a new hot flush medication. Well, put out the flags and give three cheers, eh, ladies? Mark my words, if the menopause affected blokes,

we'd have had a cure centuries ago and it would be called something like ultra girth power serum. As it is, this is a slight improvement on the old menopause treatment being told by your husband to stop crying and get on with the dishes And if you've got a problem with any of that I've got two things for you One is my index finger, the other is my middle finger Cooper out

And now making a surprise return to your screens a one-off special edition of Succession. Shiv, this is like really not great, okay? We've lost dad's company. Your doofus husband has the keys to the castle. And like, I don't know. I don't want to say this, but like, maybe we're not the number one rich asshole family on TV anymore. What? Ken, Ken, are you kidding me?

Of course we're number one. We're always number one. I wouldn't be so sure about that. Who are you? I'm Baroness Michelle Moan, and this is my husband, Doug. You're surprised to see us? Your eyes are popping like the buttons on my shirt. And we're TV's newest rich arsehole family. Uh, I don't think so.

We ran a hateful news empire. Yeah, we showed that the rich and powerful do whatever they want, whenever they want, thinking only of profit without ever facing culpability. Yeah, and provided a compelling portrait of corruption and greed across four seasons of television. Big deal. We did all that in a half-hour interview with Laura Koonsberg. Wow. Fair play.

You guys are good. Forget the Roy's. When it comes to contemptible television families of 2023, the Moans take the biscuit, then write the biscuit off as a tax loss. Hello there, I'm Dr Michael Moseley. And this is Just One Thing, where each episode I suggest just one thing you can start doing today to improve your health and well-being.

With Christmas just around the corner, some of us are already beginning to worry about New Year's Eve. It can be a difficult time for many. Our best-laid plans to celebrate with friends and family often fall through, with many of us stuck home alone, counting down the hours until we can go to bed. In a moment of weakness, we'll succumb to the one thing guaranteed to send us spiralling into crippling depression and self-loathing. We'll watch the Hootenanny.

So this New Year's Eve, I have one simple suggestion. Kidnap Jules Holland. That's right, and it's so easy to do. With everyday household items like a ski mask and cable ties, you can avoid the hootenanny trap by setting a trap of your own. Jules Holland can't serenade you if he's strapped to a pipe in your basement with no piano to play. If that doesn't wipe the smug grin off his face,

a bit of duct tape should do the trick. Once New Year's Day hits, return Jules to the woods, where he'll probably hibernate until the following winter. Next time, I'll show you how to meet your New Year's resolution to eat healthy, protein-rich, locally-sourced food by becoming a cannibal. Happy New Year! We must travel far, young Hobbit.

Yes, Gandalf. I know the drill. Over the misty mountains at Rivendell. Through the dark forest of Elserod. No, no, no. None of that bollocks. We must travel far to a sauna in East London.

Saruman's coming too, and he's wearing leather hotpants. And Gollum has the ring as a belly button piercing. None of that sounds right. That's all here in the text?

Show me that. Oh, yes, I should have known. This isn't genuine Tolkien. This is Lord of the Rings fan fiction. Fan fiction? Yes, the one the Tolkien estate ordered to be destroyed. Give me that grubby book and I'll dispose of it. And then we can start our proper genuine Tolkien trek to Mount... dispose of it. And then we can start our proper, genuine Tolkien trek

to Mount... No one is prizing this book out of my hand, young hobbit. Finally I get to have some bloody fun. This is my precious. Right. Skipping forward to page 235.

To the bit where Sauron and I have bought two E's off this orc. And we're off our tits on Mount Doom. Dancing to shurs, do you believe in life after love? Orc, orc, orc, coming up, coming up, coming up. You're through to the British Museum and here's today's interesting fact

You can get a shoplifting charge for nicking stuff from Tesco but when we do it from Africa it's called a historic collection Thank you Hello I'm the shadow minister for climate change I want to express my profound displeasure

at your signing a new funding deal with BP. In fact, I'm ruddy seething. Not because fossil fuels are the leading cause of the climate crisis. No, I'm angry because whenever the press asks me about the British Museum, I'm forced to say Elgin Marbles in my voice. Listen, Elgin Marbles in my voice. Listen, Elgin Marbles. Seriously, Elgin Marbles. If I have to say it quickly,

it sounds like an old man being drowned in a bathtub. Elgin Marbles, single Marbles. Not sure why I bother. Oh. Welcome to Naked Attraction, the show that celebrates just how disgusting the human body really is. OK, let's reveal the bottom half of the boys, please. Oh, no, I don't like that.

No? Oh, what don't you like about it exactly? Well, that whole area. Looks like a split sausage. Prime cut big nudge is what it looks like, sweetheart. Nigel Farage, what are you doing here? Don't play dumb with me, sugar tits. No, no, no, let me speak. Trashy TV shows like this are the only places left

That'll help washed up politicians like me get back in the public eye You need the ratings, I need the eyeballs It's a win-win So who cares if I have to eat a kangaroo testicle in the jungle Or flop the old chap out on national TV As long as I get to spread my intolerance, it's fine by me. Just say the word and I'll even turn round

and show you the old tradesman's entrance. Channel 4 would never get a politician on just to chase ratings. Oh, really? What about old Matty Hancock on SAS? Are you tough enough? And the bloke in the cubicle next to me looks awfully familiar.

Bit of a chipolata, though. On the contrary, dear boy. I've been told by Nanny that my winky is absolutely colossal. I've seen a bigger woodbine. I would like to begin this King's Speech by wishing you, my loyal subjects across these British Isles, a very happy Christmas. For my family, this Christmas will be a time of celebration, good cheer, and thinking up some more reasonably plausible alibis for Andrew. plausible alibis for Andrew. But please,

before I go any further, I want to ask the nation not to read into anything I do or say today, given the furore around my Greek flag tie some weeks ago. And please rest assured that I am not sending any covert political messages with my attire. You see this

sleeveless just-stop-oil number I'm sporting? This is in no way designed as a political statement. It is merely a comfy garment that always brings me a dose of apolitical festive cheer. Equally, this wacky

EU circle of stars bucket hat is a family heirloom and does not in any way allude to our disastrous, sickening, borderline suicidal decision to leave the union, on which, of course, I would never comment. And when I rip open my shirt to reveal I'm wearing a T-shirt of the mirror-front page

that got Piers Morgan sacked, I am in no way rivelling in that bellend getting his comeuppance. So, as I glue myself to this Wedgwood dinner set at Sandringham, you can rest assured your king remains reassuringly apolitical, as Mama was. Vote Green! Dave Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Duncan Wisby and Jess Robinson.

The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Ed Amson and Tom Coles, Robert Dark, Rachel E. Thorne, Joe Toppy, Alex Bertullis-Fernandez, Christopher Donovan and Edward Tew. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. To know what it means to be Roman, you need to look beyond the sweating gladiators. There are fresh stories to be told from scattered clues and new discoveries.

I'm Mary Beard, and I'll be uncovering these stories for Being Roman, a new series for BBC Radio 4. There's a young bride avenging the murder of her parents, and an emperor flirting outrageously with his nervous teacher. Listen to Being Roman wherever you get your podcasts.