Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers – 23rd December

Episode Date: January 20, 2023

Could Theresa May make a comeback? Who could be Twitter’s new CEO? And what will King Charles say in his first Christmas message? All these questions are answered in the final Dead Ringers of the year.Performed by Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Duncan Wisbey, Naomi McDonald and Anil Desai.Written by Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth, Sarah Campbell, Tom Coles and Ed Amsden, Edward Tew, Cody Dahler, Robert Darke, Sophie Dickson, Katie Sayer.Produced and created by Bill Dare. Production Co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. I'm Jeremy Clarkson, patron saint of arseholes. Apparently I'm supposed to make some sort of apology. Look, I could never have guessed that in fantasising about violent misogyny, there was the slightest chance my words might be interpreted as violent misogyny. I had no idea that my detailed description of pelting Meghan Markle with human feces might be read as me wanting to pelt Meghan Markle with human feces.

But I've been a victim of this woke orthodoxy before. There was that producer who, let me say, never told me that he didn't want to be punched in the face. The real villain here is cancel culture. These media hypocrites have all but forced me into silence. I'll be talking about that with Piers Morgan on Talk TV

and writing about it for The Sun. Hey, where's my ka-ching effect? Dead ringers. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You're listening to Today with me, Martha Carney. Nick, this is the bit where you say, and me, Nick Robinson. Well, I'm not saying that, Martha. Nick, why are you wearing a donkey jacket and carrying a placard? Let's face it, everyone else in the country is on strike,

so we might as well be on strike too. The Today Show presenters are on strike. But do we even have a union rep? Martha, grab a placard, a mug of builder's tea and a grim, humourless expression. Mick Lynch? I talked Mick Lynch into taking the job, just after he told us we were toady fascists and lickspital Tory apologists.

There will be no more Today programme until our demands are met. Those demands are... A real terms cut in farming today. No more insane guest editors. And a weather bulletin from Thomas Schaffanacker that simply tells you if you need an umbrella or not. Attention! Sergeant Major Todd reporting for duty. Oh, Nick, I think they're trying to break us

Downing Street has brought the army in Correct, you horrible little man Right, the Royal Regiment of Fusiliers will provide us with thought for the day Better right, wait for it Speak, buttocks. Good morning. Tween remark about your bet in the news.

Clumsy analogy to Jesus. Or other religious figure. Sanctimonious moral conclusion. The end. The end. the most probable conclusion. The end. Wait, wait.

I'm just hearing that Downing Street have said no to all of our demands but have agreed to a 12% increase in dry croissant. Hallelujah. Back to work, everyone. The headlines. The Prime Minister has said that whilst the ambulance strike is on, people should avoid doing anything dangerous. Please, please, please don't do anything really

dumb that's certain to end in disaster. Like driving your car after having had a couple of drinks, playing with loose fireworks or letting Liz Truss be Prime Minister. The public were also urged not to get drunk. For the latest on that, we can cross live now to Orla Guerin. Scenes of misery here, Nick. I'm at a Christmas party in Colchester that is entirely sober. at a Christmas party in Colchester that is entirely sober. Kevin from Accounts isn't photocopying his arse and faxing it to the Doncaster branch.

Belinda isn't becoming an office legend by throwing up over Jenny from Reception after snogging her boss. And Jamie and Philippa from HR aren't having a drunken quickie in the stockroom. Everybody has just stood around completely sober, realising they have absolutely nothing in common apart from hating the drudgery of their drab 9-to-5 existence.

Yes, happy Christmas to you too, Orla. Despite refusing to discuss a cost-of-living pay rise for nurses, Health Secretary Steve Barclay insists his door is always open, which will be handy for the three ghosts planning on visiting him on Christmas Eve. Keir Starmer came out strongly for the NHS

workers. He joins me now. That's right. These nurses and paramedics are the best of us. So they deserve at least a pay rise of 10%, matching inflation. Yes, I totally agree that they are the best of us. But what about that big pay rise? For whom? The NHS workers.

Well, have I mentioned that they're the best of us? Because you know something, Martha, they really are the best of us. Yes, so will Labour give them a the best of us pay rise? Well, I'd like to answer that question in two ways, Martha. Firstly, by saying that the NHS workers are the best of us. And secondly, by running away! In his first overseas trip since the war began,

Ukraine's President Zelensky met Joe Biden at the White House. President Polanski. America stands shoulder to shoulder with Ukraine as you defend democracy. Just like I did with the Afghan people before I got bored and wandered away.

But don't you worry. It'll be at least a couple of months before we get bored of you two and forget who you are. Sorry, are you here to clean the pool? When you check the filter, can you keep an eye out for my teeth? In entertainment news, the producers of the hit BBC reality show The Traitors say they may

be being sued. I'm going to sue the pants off them. A dwindling bunch of no-hopers trapped together, growing more paranoid with every passing week set against a backdrop of subterfuge, lies and betrayal. It's a total rip-off of my last few months at number 10.

This week, an article in New York magazine called 2022 the year of the nepo baby, sparking fierce debate about the role of nepotism in today's society. And on the line now is someone who thinks nepotism has been greatly exaggerated. Hi there. Yes, hello, Martha. Well, it's total, complete poppycock. King Charles, you think you've had to work as hard

as the rest of us to get where you are today? Well, probably harder. Absolutely nothing has been handed to me on a silver platter except for my toothbrush with pre-squeezed Aquafresh on it. So what have you done to get where you are? I've had to work tirelessly my entire life at being older than my younger siblings. It's a full-time job.

I mean, can you imagine if I'd let Prince Andrew overtake me? Doesn't bear thinking about. I'm Dr Michael Mosley, and this is Just One Thing, the show where I suggest just one simple thing you can do to improve your well-being. It certainly looks like Christmas might be tricky this year, what with strikes, freezing temperatures, and a cost-of-living crisis. So what can we do to improve our mental health? I suggest popping on a woolly hat and scarf

and going for a brisk walk to your local crack den. See if you can manage 20 minutes a day of freebasing some premium-grade Ready Rock. I've been wrapping my lips round this lovely cool pipe every day for the past week. And not only am I much less stressed about buying presents for my children, I've entirely forgotten their names.

Right, I'm off to steal a TV so I can buy some more crack. Join me next time when I see if I can detox after Christmas by topping up my spinach smoothie with a pint of Domestos. 007. So, Q, what have you got for me?

It's a very dangerous mission, Bond. So, first of all, helmet. Helmet? In case you have a knock. I've never worn a helmet in my life. Oh, you do realise there's an ambulance strike. It's even more important not to take any risks. Now, for this mission, you'll be riding a Triumph Tiger 900 motorbike,

so we're installing these. Stabilisers? And there may be a sea chase also, so... I am not wearing armbands. And, look, it's none of my business who you get into bed with, but when you're in the throes of passion, there's a risk you might get your gentleman caught. Here.

Zipless slacks from Marks and Spencers. And try not to ruin them. I'd like to return them when the strike's over. You've reached Elon Musk, the only man in the world who looked at Twitter and thought, this place could do with being a little more hateful. Leave a message. Hi, Elon. Matt Hancock here. You might know me from my heroic role in saving Britain from the pandemic.

Or for eating animal genitalia. I heard you were looking for someone to take over Twitter and, well, who better than me? I'm well-versed in dispelling false information. Just read my pandemic diaries. Think of it this way. I could be for Twitter what Nick Clegg is for Facebook. And if that doesn't get your juices flowing, nothing will.

CB's in the post, so it should be with you by June. Bye. Welcome to the repair shop, where the team restores precious family heirlooms to their former glory. First into the shop is Rishi from Westminster. Yeah, OK, great to see you. Welcome. OK, so what have you got

that's broken, Rishi? Britain. OK, right, OK, great to see you, welcome OK, so what have you got that's broken, Rishi? Britain OK, right, OK And what exactly needs fixing? Kind of everything The trains and the schools and the hospitals The postal service, the economy Social care, the immigration system Leveling up, Harry Kane

Oh, and Brexit But let's keep that to ourselves. Jeez, you've got your work cut out, ain't ya? Is anything still working? Um, Strictly was okay this year. Okay, so what have you tried so far to fix Britain then? Calling nurses rude names and hiding. So, can you fix it? Um, yeah okay, just give us a decade or two.

Oh, forget it. I really needed it back by the morning so I can get a good headline in the Daily Mail. Sadly, this time, even the repair shop couldn't help. Next week, more people bring their items to the workshop so that they can then get them valued on the Antiques Roadshow

and sell them for a fortune. So, Gareth Southgate has decided to stay on as England manager. Alan, Rio, right decision? Well, you know, I respect Gareth, but I just think that now could have been a great opportunity to bring in a top-class foreign manager. One billion percent, Alan. I mean, you just look at the success of Argentina and France

and they've both got foreigners in charge. Sorry Alan, the manager of Argentina is Argentinian and the manager of France is French. Exactly Gary, Argentinian and French people are foreign. 1000 million

percent Alan. But you do both understand that an Argentinian coach isn't a foreigner in Argentina. Huh? What are you saying, Gary? I think he's saying, and correct me if I'm wrong here, guys, that if an Argentinian coach starts coaching in Argentina, then in doing so, then that would make him English?

No! That's not at all what I'm saying. In fact, in either of those countries, it's an Englishman who would be the foreigner. Hang on, hang on. So if Gareth Southgate went to one of those countries, he'd be a foreign coach? Yes.

And if Southgate is a foreign coach, then I think we should get him for the England team. 145,000% real. You've both spent too long in the sun. Hello there, it's me, your favourite president again, the Donald. Thank you for buying all my trading cards that don't exist. And with that in mind, I would like you to buy more stuff that's really great and not worthless in the slightest. I have

great pleasure to introduce you to my farts in a jar. For only $99, these cheek flappers come with a certificate of authenticity and an actual photograph of the meal

that made my ass biscuits. Kentucky Fried Chicken Bargain Bucket. Burger King Quarter Pounder. Plus the first 500 people to buy one of my personal breezes in a jar will receive completely free of charge for just $49.99.

The signed photo of me flushing the January 6th committee report down the john. God bless In-N-Out Burger. People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister, the Ant-Man of Politics. Once again this week, NHS workers have gone on strike despite nurses and ambulance drivers

having recently received an incredibly generous 7% increase in clapping. There was no need for it to come to this. My Health Secretary, Steve... Oh, no, don't tell me I know this one. It's on the tip of my tongue. It's a bank, isn't it? Steve Lloyd's? Steve Barclay!

My Health Secretary, Steve Barclay! My health secretary, Steve Barclay's, door is always open to the NHS union leaders to talk about anything, anything apart from the pay rises, which would actually end the dispute. Why don't they want to discuss who their favourite Spice Girl was? What is their favourite Rose's chocolate? And what they're planning to do this Christmas to jazz up their sprouts. So to the union barons, I repeat, our door is always open. You bring a set of terms on which you're willing to start serious negotiations

and we'll bring Kaplunk. Hello and welcome to Countryfile. I'm Matt Baker. Beige made flesh. Now, one of the huge expenses during the Costa living crisis has been fertiliser, but we've sent John Craven off to a farm that has found what it claims is a cheap and inexhaustible supply. Hello again. It's me, John Craven.

And yes, I am aware half of you just turned to your partner on the sofa to tell them you thought I'd died years ago. I'm here on this 1,000-acre farm in the Cotswolds to meet local farmer Caleb Cooper. Hello, John. Yes, we do things differently here on Clarkson's farm. Really? In what way? Well, we spread Clarkson's opinions about Meghan Markle directly onto the cross.

So this is premium crap. Could you show us? Oh, of course. I just move Jeremy into position there, and then I just open his mouth just a little. I hate Meghan Markle. Not like I hate Nicola Sturgeon. Get a whiff of that.

It really is stinking the place up. Yeah, that's 100% premium Clarkson bile. Especially the ones with hairy armpits. Just be careful, because we don't want too much. This Clarkson is very rich. Yeah, buy all that. Especially the ones with hairy armpits. I just have to be careful, because we don't want too much. This Clarkson is very rich. Yeah, here we go. I especially detest woke students. I'll just shut the Clarkson off and...

Oh, no, bloody wheel is jammed. Oh, no, it's snapped off. I can't close Clarkson's mouth. Shut Clarkson down, for God's sake. I'm trying, I can't close Clarkson's mouth. Shut Clarkson down, for God's sake. I'm trying, I can't. Run! 24 hours after the disaster that left the farm and us covered head to toe in Clarkson's stinking opinions,

I'm back on the farm where the clean-up operation is underway. I'm so sorry, John. I think we're just going to have to switch to a milder sauce. From my own experience, may I suggest a couple of tonnes of pure organic Noel Edmonds bull crap? Hello, I'm Cheryl, and my pronouns are Mrs, Mrs, Miss and Mrs again. And this is my new fragrance, Blind Panic.

Blind Panic, for the man desperate for that last minute present at Christmas. Blind Panic, distilled from the sweat of a thousand forgetful husbands. It's in a big, chunky bottle, so you can easily find it on the shelves of any all-night garage on the 24th of December. Blind panic. Just wrap it in the wrapping paper your office secret Santa came in, and hey presto,

it will more than make up for the ironing board you got her for her birthday. It's the BBC One reality show that's had everyone gripped. Hosted by me, Claudia Winkleman, 50% glamorous woman, 50% Hoover upholstery brush. It's The Traitors, where a group of desperate, confused people try to solve a perplexing mystery. OK, guys, we need to find out who the hell is watching this show and why. Yeah, why is everyone so obsessed? Isn't it just a rip-off of a tedious parlour game?

Will the contestants find the answer in time? OK, I've just been told that someone among us is going to be the breakout star and end up with their own show. So come on, who is it? Well, it's not me. I've got no charisma. Nor have I. It's definitely not me. I'm a solutions consultant from Tring. And in the end, will they find out who the traitor is?

Yes, it was me, Goofy, Goofy, Goofy. Even though I wasn't even a contestant, it was still me doing all the backstabbing and double-crossing. I even sold the spooky castle you're all sitting in to Wetherspoons. Ka-ching. Goofy out. Have a lovely Christmas. Love you guys. Hello, I'm Evan Davies. You've heard of Elf on a Shelf. I'm the sprite who was on Newsnight. Rishi Sunak has proved surprisingly elusive in his first months as Prime Minister. But at last, finally, here he is with me in the studio.

Hey, it's great to be here, Evan. Now, for someone who has campaigned so hard to be PM, you do seem so incredibly elusive. Are you afraid of answering difficult questions? Hey, not at all, Evan. I was perfectly prepared to go out and defend my record, but it all changed when I discovered the David Tennant effect. The David Tennant effect? That's right. In the last Doctor Who, instead of turning into the new bloke, Jodie Whittaker regenerated back

into David Tennant. So if anything happens to me, such as that studio light suddenly falling on my head, I'm worried that Prime Ministerial evolution might go backwards as well. Well, I haven't got a clue what you're talking about, Prime Minister, but rest assured there's no way that studio light is going to... Oh! Oh, dear. Er, Mr Sunak? Oh, no. I knew it was a mistake to come out. I can feel myself changing. Yes, I'm back!

The Trustmeister is in the house again. Get ready for more wacky exploits as yours truly drives the economy in the ditch for larks. Bang! And the mortgages are gone. Oh, dear, you seem to have fallen down the hole created by the falling studio light. Let me just help you up. Hang on, what's that noise?

I knew you couldn't keep old Bozza away. Get me out of this hole and get the beers in. I'm going to party like it's 2024. Isn't that wise, Prime Minister? All these regenerations have probably put a huge strain on your body. Nonsense. Nonsense, Evan. You strange salamander of a man.

For underneath this pale bloated exterior is a pale bloated interior. I'm starting to feel a little stiff and wooden. Hello. The wheel of time turns. And sooner or later, it turns into me. It is a truth universally acknowledged, Evan, that if you stare into the abyss long enough, the abyss says, hello, I'm Theresa May.

You're back with Today. Now, as a festive treat, we are joined by Miriam Margulies... ..who is here to talk about Miriam's Dickensian Christmas on Channel 4. Hello, Nick. Thank you, yes. Yes, I'm what would happen if Radha trained a labradoodle with Tourette's. Now, I say you're here to talk about your show, but let's hope you stick to the topic and don't end up saying something incredibly rude or vulgar

that we have to apologise for. I'm perfectly capable of engaging in erudite conversation without always being mischievous Miriam talking about bodily functions. Well, good, good. Because that would be awful if you did do a load of swearing. That's not what we book you for at all. Aren't you going to ask me about Dickens, you peculiar little man? Is there any swearing in Dickens?

Not particularly, no. I think you've got a bit of a one-track mind. Sometimes a Dickensian character says... Oh, oh, here it comes, here it comes. Damn. Right. But even that is blanked out. Miriam, say something bad!

Um, um, man-made climate change is a hoax. No, I mean bad in a fun way. I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. I've had enough of this interview. It's like that time Laurence Olivier told me to go f*** myself with a fruit bowl. And I told him to suck his own p***, showed him my p*** and then asked if I could borrow a tub of Vaseline and an easy peel Satsuma. Christmas is saved!

Oh, Miriam, really, we do apologise to any listeners offended. Who knew that was going to happen? listeners offended. Who knew that was going to happen? Hello? Hello, it's me. The guy from the East Wing. Previously regular, but now king-sized. Charles, I was nearly asleep. What is it? I need to run my Christmas speech by you. I really want to make Mummy proud. Oh, go on then. Remember, we said it should be compassionate and dignified and address

some of the current difficulties the country's facing. Yes, yes, quite. I thought I'd start with something about financial hardship and poverty and then say that I have the deepest sympathy for anyone who has been given a blasted stinking pen

that leaks all over the place just before they've got an important document to sign. Charles, Charles, think of the country, not your own gripes. Stay calm. Right, yes, yes, yes, calm, calm. People of Britain, it's been a difficult year, with war in Europe, a cost of living crisis, and my woke bloody son and that ridiculous wife of his gobbling off every five minutes.

All they talk about is sodding mental health. What's wrong with the old-fashioned therapy of yelling at footmen till you feel better? Charles, Charles, the Christmas message needs to stay away from controversy. What's the point in being king if I can't vent occasionally? And what about those fivers with my face on? They always made Mummy look 20 years younger,

whereas I look like Mother Teresa's ghost. You know, it's been an absolute bastard of a year. One waits a lifetime to be king, then turns out it's mainly dodging eggs and getting in called down one's trices. Sod the lot of you. Sod the lot of you and sod off to Sodsville, Arizona. Well, there must be something positive to end on, at least. Well, I suppose I could mention the day, that rather wonderful day, I accepted the resignation of Liz Truss.

designation of Liz Truss. As I recall, I laughed in her face and said she was the worst PM we've ever had and I don't care who knows it. I told her Prince bloody Edward could have done a better job. Do you know, I think that might go down rather well. Dared Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Jan Ravens, Duncan Thank you. and Sarah Campbell. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator

was Bill Dare.