Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 24th May

Episode Date: June 12, 2024

Recorded at the Hay Festival 2024. Mordant topical satire from the usual team with voices by Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Duncan Wisbey and Jess Robinson.With writing from Tom Jamieson, Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, Rob Darke, Edward Tew, Sophie Dixon, Sarah Campbell, Cody Dahler, Joe Topping, Rachel Thorne and Christopher Donovan.Producer: Bill Dare Exec Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Dan Marchini Sound Designer: Rich Evans

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. So, how do we get AI right? Well, we need the right volume of data, the software to train it, and massive compute power, or... Another one bites the dust. Are you ready? Are you ready for this? Are you hanging on the edge of your seat? But with HPE GreenLake, we get access to supercomputing to power AI at the scale we need, helping generate better insights. All right. Nice teamwork, guys.

Search HPE GreenLake. I'm Catriona Perry from the Global Story podcast where we're looking at Brazil's unending flood. One of its richest cities, Porto Alegre, is still struggling with floodwaters that rushed in more than a month ago. It's been a national shock. Officials are still looking for bodies and warning of the spread of disease. The Global Story brings you fresh takes and smart perspectives from BBC journalists around the world. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. I mean, this was a massive balls up. In all my years on this program I've never

seen a task go this badly. I wasn't asking you to reinvent the bleeding wheel. I mean all you had to do was organize a general election announcement. And what did you forget? The umbrellas Lord Sugar. That's right Michael, bleeding umbrellas. What about a raincoat or a towel? The bloke looked like a pet mouse who'd been dropped down the toilet.

And Esther, you are meant to have common sense. What was you in charge of? The music Lord Sugar. LAUGHTER And you let some bloke play Things Can Only Get Better on loudspeakers. Well, I did ask him to play Land of Hope and Glory, Lord Sugar.

No, no, no, no, no. I've heard enough. I don't want to hear no more from the pair, you know. Well, your next task is to organise the election campaign. Oh, you're not going to fire one of us? What's the point? The public will do that in six weeks anyway. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo People of Britain, I'm just a boy standing in front of a country asking you to love me. Or failing that, asking if you know of a good dry cleaners, one that gets rainwater out of a very expensive suit. I can't afford for it to shrink anymore.

There has been so much speculation as to why I've chosen July the 4th as the date of the general election. Some say it's to capitalise on the fact that under my leadership I've taken an economy that was flat on its back and transformed it into one that's on its knees. No, I'm here because I've been recalled to my home planet. You see, I am a probe sent here by a super intelligent species to experience the human emotion you call disappointment. And through my botched Rwanda scheme, appointing Sweller Braverman, despite her obviously being mad,

wasting a whole year doing sweet Fanny Adams about the rivers, the NHS, or anything really, I have collected all the relevant data about disappointment it is possible to know. Time to go Rishi. Elon Musk's magic spaceship is here. Elon, fire those boosters and let's get out of this crap hole. You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson and Emma Barnett. Rumours began swirling around Westminster on Wednesday that Rishi Sunak had gone to the King.

Your satanic majesty, I'd like your permission to dissolve parliament in flames so I can call an election. Let's not be, you idiot. You're talking to my lurid red painting. Oh, what an embarrassing faux pas. Well, at least my day can't get any worse. Standing outside number 10, Rishi Sunak told the British public that Keir Starmer's labour doesn't have a plan and doesn't have a vision. Possibly true, but they almost certainly have an umbrella. Sunak's election announcement was ridiculed on social media as being a shambles. Stop right there Emma. William Hague. The media don't understand this country like us northern types Emma. Oh yes it's true Rishi was standing there

getting soaked without a coat but for voters in the red wall that's a language they understand. It speaks to them in a way that Keir Starmer never can. Going out without a coat when it's pissing down is a badge of honour where I come from. With the election on July the 4th, on July the 5th, Britain may be saying goodbye to a right-wing leader who's out of touch with ordinary people, and hello to a right-wing leader who's out of touch with ordinary people. Labour leader Keir Starmer joins me now. Emma, what the British public want is an end to the chaos under the Tories.

Naturally, you're urging them to vote Labour. Whoa, steady on there Emma. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Admittedly, I do have a soft spot for Labour, but to be honest, the Lib Dems have got some quite excellent policies on housing. The Greens are very strong on renewables, so, yeah yeah I'll probably opt for Labour in the end but I'm keeping an open mind. Meanwhile Rachel Reeves has insisted all Labour general election promises will be fully costed. The Shadow Chancellor joins me now.

Good morning Dick. The Tories claim your Great British Energy idea could cost the taxpayer upwards of £30 billion. Well, look, I could say it'll cost £60 billion and people would still vote for us. I could even say it's going to cost £90 billion and no-one would bat an eye. The voters tuned out months ago and just want this living hell under the Tories to end. So, is it going to cost £90 billion? Yeah. No. Maybe. Who cares? Yeah, no, maybe who cares Rachel Reeves, thank you after Chancellor Jeremy Hunt confirmed that he will be standing at the next election

Some are predicting a modern-day portillo moment Chancellor. Are you worried hardly? I have faith in the people of my constituency Really the polls look terrible for you voters Voters are baying for blood. Precisely. I know how they feel. Sorry. Sorry. What does that mean? Oh, nothing sinister. I was speaking metaphorically. Mr. Hunt, surely the fear of a crushing humiliation plays on your mind. How do you sleep at night? Hanging upside down from the ceiling. What? Oh nothing, bye.

In other news, at the Horizon inquiry, former post office CEO Paula Venos gave evidence. In her written statement, Venos confirmed for the first time that she'd seen the ITV drama Mr Bates vs the Post Office, though she had watched it backwards so it had a happy ending. Just 20 minutes after her questioning began a fire alarm rang out. Thankfully it turned out to be a false alarm and Venil's pants weren't on fire. But it wasn't all bad news for Ms. Venil's. Moments after the end of her torrid first day of questioning, she received a text congratulating her on how well she'd done from Prince Andrew.

Benals was questioned by the leading counsel Jason Beer, Casey. So your answer to this question, as has been your answer actually to almost all of my questions, is that you don't recall? I don't recall saying I don't recall to all your other questions So you don't recall when you first learned of bugs in the horizon system. Why is that? Simple because I I don't recall working at the post office You don't recall working at the post office Well, I know I I kind of vaguely recall a Saturday job I might have had there in the 1980s, but that might actually have been the co-op or Woolworths. Sorry, miss Fennell's

Why are you chopping all those onions? Oh No reason I just wanted to repeat how sorry I am for all the pain and suffering. Right, you're not trying to make yourself cry, are you? No, not at all. Keep chopping, Paula, keep chopping. There, look, I did it. I squeezed out a single tear. Now what say we call it even and forget all this upsetting business ever happened? Derby special school are converting an old train carriage into a student library. To keep the feel of it being on an actual train, they only get books after a two hour

delay and they'll have to read Standing Up. Breaking news and we can go over live to a report from the Royal Academy of Engineering about the quality of Britain's water, led by the Chief Medical Officer, Sir Chris Whitty. Hello and welcome. As you can see from the graphic behind me, we are all up to our necks in excrement. Next shite please. I want to make a wholehearted apology for this terrible injustice. Are you a fan of solemn but meaningless Mia Culpas from Prime Ministers? Then download the Top 20 UK Government Apologies playlist today.

Featuring modern day belters from the post office and infected blood scandals alongside classics like this. I make this pledge to the Guildford Four, this sort of systemic failure of British justice will never happen again. Look, the Hillsborough and Bloody Sunday inquiries have uncovered evidence of institutional incompetence, callousness and cover-up. That's not what the British people expect

from those in power. In fact, that's not what the British people expect from those in power. In fact, that's exactly what the British people expect from those in power, which is why we've lovingly compiled this collection of the very best 20 to 30 years too late admissions of culpability, including laughable favourites like... I will ensure all victims of the Windrush and Grenfell scandals receive full compensation in the very near future. And that special type of apology

so beloved of UK prime ministers. I'm so very deeply sorry for the pain and suffering that people experienced during the Covid crisis. Although I don't accept I was responsible for any of it. I am in fact not sorry in any way whatsoever. Fla! The top 20 UK government apologies playlist.

Download now and get the top 50 emails that Paula Venals can't recall. Absolutely free. Oh, hello there and welcome to The One Show with me, a Yakult personified. And me, Roman Kemp, so bland I make Matt Baker seem edgy. Today we're joined on the sofa by an extra special guest, First Minister of Wales Vaughan Gethin. Mr Gethin, no's worth that.

Nope, not with that. No, not a clue. I've been grilled by some hard-hitting journalists recently, so I'm very much looking forward to you just asking me about which biscuit is the scrummiest. Mr. Gethin, you've received funds from a man found guilty of illegally dumping toxic liquid on a site of specific scientific interest. Explain yourself. Probably custard cream. But I'd take garibaldi in a bind. We're talking about dumping useless waste in areas of natural beauty.

I mean sure, last week we did send Phil Tufnell to the Lake District so it was a little bit pot kettle from us but still. So do you have anything to say to Welsh people who feel let down? Of course. I'm full of contrition. And to the great people of Wales, I say this. Noe bristaneth an erachtyrrad fi ama. Alex? That's bloody Elvish from Lord of the Rings! She just does soft English. Patsy! Look, I'm sorry. Okay, I've made mistakes. What do you want me to do? Resign?

No, no, no. We've planned you a far worse fate. Giles? That's right, Vaughan. You're going to have to sit through 25 minutes of me visiting Heverfordshire's eighth smallest potting shed, you poor soul. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ah, young Colin Bridgerton, I understand you intend to marry, but are you quite sure you wish to be betrothed to her? Your Majesty, she is unlike any woman I have ever met. Capricious, self-assured, free-thinking. Here she comes now. My darling, allow me to introduce you to Queen Charlotte. Madam, it's a pleasure to meet you.

I know! And what brings you to Bridgerton? Well, all the cool dudes in now London didn't want me as part of their clubs anymore, hashtag lame. So I thought I'd mosey on back in time and join the ton where your Lizzy T would be more appreciated. And what are your intentions? Well, you're mad, I'm here to sell copies of my book and break hearts, and I'm all out of books. Actually, I'm not. I've got absolutely loads left.

I wish you well, but understand, Bridgerton is not like where you've come from. It's frivolous, insubstantial, and based in an entirely separate reality. Hashtag I'll fit right in. I know! So how do we get AI right? Well, we need the right volume of data,

the software to train it, and massive compute power, or... Another one bites the dust. Are you ready? Hey, are you ready for this? Are you hanging on the edge of your seat? But with HPE GreenLake, we get access to supercomputing to power AI at the scale we need, helping generate better insights. Alright! Nice teamwork, guys.

Search HPE Greenlake. Hello, I'm Anna Richardson and this is Naked Attraction. Our first hopeful lady today is Kelly. Hi Kelly. Hi. Okay, let's reveal the bottom half of the boys, please. Ooh, I say, that's quite a thicket. Looks like it's styled into a sort of side parting. Is that gel?

It's grill cream, actually. Sir Keir Starmer, what are you doing on Naked Attraction? Well, in this general election campaign, I'm determined to prove that I've got nothing to hide from the British public and that they have nothing to fear from me. I feel slightly nauseous. Nauseous, but not afraid.

That's the important point. You see, just like my recent appearance on Sunday brunch, it's part of my strategy to show I'm actually sort of normal and human, relatively speaking, and I'm not some robotic Lego man. And what better way to prove I'm not a Lego man than by revealing that I'm far from all smooth down there? This is the real Sir Keir in all his dangly glory. Right, Kelly. So does Sir Keir tickle your fancy? Well, I'm not sure. I'm not really into politics.

Oh, don't worry about that, Kelly. Neither am I. there am I. Hello and welcome to the Chelsea flower show. I'm Carol Klein, the only person who can get so enthusiastic about plants you think is she literally snorting the creosote. Look, I'm staring at this quicosmere like I'm on acid. Isn't everything wonderful? I've just told a begonia it was my best friend. The flower show has a very unique feel this year and you know why because it hasn't stopped raining since mid-March. I'm here in the shallow end of the show and it's time now to meet the gold medal winner for the overall best garden prize.

Patricia Bristow, congratulations. Oh cheers, winning the flower show is an absolute dream come true. Now, you wanted to capture a typical British back garden. Oh, yes, the detail is extraordinary. The old mattress propping up the fence. Those two rusting kiddies bikes. That bed frame from a decade ago. Oh, that's delightful.

Do you know you've captured what makes a British garden British? I think we can go to Monty Don now showing us the very best scuba gear for working in your garden this summer. You're watching Peston, where the only thing more unpredictable than the political debate is the way I stress my sentences. With me is Education Secretary Gillian Keegan, what Nadine Doris would be like if she'd had therapy but not quite enough. Ms Keegan, this gender education policy of yours is a mess isn't it? Children can learn about trans people who have undergone gender reassignment surgery but not gender ideology itself.

Not at all actually, thank you Robert. We're very clear the work left may want to make gender a Rubik's Cube, you can twist and turn, but we think it's a little more straightforward than that. Explain what you mean. Well if you would just let me finish, we think that children go from boys to men, okay, but also it's important to remember that boys will be boys, of course, and the boys are, well they're back in town. Is that not just a song lyric?

No, and interrupt me again and I'll put you back in that cupboard under the stairs. Now put it this way, our opponents would gladly teach our children that there are girls who want boys who like boys to be girls, who do boys like our girls and do girls like their boys, always should be someone you really love. Which differs from- Shut up, I'm on a roll here. We believe in teaching that girl, you'll be a woman soon, and boys don't cry, and girls just want to have fun, except that girl is on fire.

Gillian Keegan, thank you, and shut up of your face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So Gareth Southgate has named an expanded 33-man England squad for the Euros, but speculation

is now rife about who will or won't actually be on the plane. I'm joined by Harry Kane. Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, well, that's it really. So who's going to be on the plane Harry Kane? Yeah you know, it's the gaffers call at the end of the day. But I'd say Pickers is on the plane, Trippers is on the plane, Rammers is on the plane. How about Jack Grealish? Grealish? Well yeah you know, he's almost on the plane.

Almost on it? Well he's near the plane, you know. Departure lounge, maybe. Checking the boards, munching on the oversized Toblerone he got in duty three. The plane is just a bit jargon, Harry, it's not literally... Bill Foden's in the airport, weather spoons. Jarrod Bowen's in a sunglass hut. Bella's is stuck in a non-EU passport queue and oh yeah Cole Palmer's in customs doing that thing you know, you suddenly panic you've got a

gun in your bag or something. Right well look I don't think I'll follow but at least we know that you'll be on the plane. Oh yeah I'm on the plane, settled into my seat, watched a nice movie. Oh no, the only problem is I can't work the buttons. And I've ended up with some French film with existential themes. It's got me all confused about the meaning of life. Okay, well good luck this summer Harry and we're all hoping that you bring it home. On a plane? No.

I don't think you're allowed to bring a plane home with you, Gary, but it's a nice idea and I'll give it a go, you know what I mean? You're listening to Front Row. A second season of historical detective drama, Shardlake, has been announced by Disney+. Here's a sneak preview. Well, Shardlake, what news from Winchester? by Disney Plus. Hereies a fierce intelligence. But pray, why do you tarry? I have made a further deduction, Lord Cromwell. Oh, aye? I am of the knowledge that you, Thomas Cromwell, were born in Putney and lived your entire

life in Surrey. Aye, it is true. Yet your accent fluctuates between someone trying not to sound Northern and someone not caring that he sounds Northern. What is your conclusion, Shardlake? That you, my lord, are Sean Bean. Have a care, Mr. Shardlake. Do not deny it, sir. Your casting as Thomas Cromwell is passing strange, as if Disney Plus was trying to sell

this series by pretending this was Game of Thrones, but with no dragons or naked boobies. And what of it? Have you not read your television bible, Shardlake? It is written that no matter how oddly cast, Sean Bean shall speak in his customary northern accent. Yet you should at least try, sire, at least. Try to have a stab at sounding a bit more Wolf Hall and help keep the viewers.

See, I have brought Mark Rylance here to give you a few acting tips. Hi. Look, actually you don't need to worry about the accent. It's all in the face, because what I always do in every role I play is just screw up my face like this, so that I get little crinkles around my eyes, so that I look all wise and kindly. Blasphemy! No one tells Sean Beans how to act. I will report you both to King Henry VIII personally. Your Majesty, these scoundrels have spoken blasphemy.

They accuse me of possessing a historically questionable northern accent. Well, they're very cheek of it. Take them to the tower without a cup of tea and let them be beaten with stale Ettles cakes. Right I'm off to behead Anne Boleyn for the grievous crime of wearing a coat indoors. I told the daft that she wouldn't feel the benefit. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE MUSIC You're back with today. After 14 years as an MP, Caroline Lucas has confirmed

she'll be stepping down. The two-times Green Party leader joins me now. Hello? Hello, Ms Lucas? Oh, now you want to talk to me. I'm sorry. Oh, sorry. Was Farage not available? Or Richard Tice?

Or any other unelected gobby man? I sense you're annoyed. Oh, well done! Yes. Fourteen years, and I've received so little airtime because you'd rather have people on with the political intellect of a camping chair. Caroline Lucas, this is not how I imagined you would be.

Well you wouldn't know would you? Maybe I should have just behaved awfully to get media attention rather than being polite and twee. Well I'm sorry. Did you just blow a raspberry? That is very poor and shocking behaviour. Can you come back next week? It was alleged this week that the real-life stalker from hit Netflix series Baby Reindeer has also bombarded the Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer with vile taunts and abuse. We can talk to the alleged stalker now.

Bloody right, Emma! And I'd do it again in an heartbeat. Hang on, Angela Rayner, you're stalking Sakir Starmer. I'm not stalking him. I'm holding that Southern softy to account for being no good Tory scum. You sent him 34,000 emails over six months. I do have one of those emails here, and in it you say,

if you don't renationalise water, I'm going to headbutt you in your scrote, you posh bastard. LAUGHTER Yeah, OK, but I stand by everything I say. It's about Labour policy. I'm not some weirdo. OK, and in another one here, you've written, I'm outside your house, baby reindeer, you can't escape it. It's quite intimidating.

Ah, no, that one was actually meant for the officer investigating my house sale. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE No, that one was actually meant for the officer investigating my house sale Dead ringers from the Hay Festival was performed by John Colshaw Jan Radems Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby The writers were never fountain and Tom Jameson Lawrence Howe Ed Emerson and Tom Goh's Robb Dark Edward Chew Sophie Dixon Sarah Campbell Cody Dara Joe topping Rachel Thorne and Christopher Donovan It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4 and the producer and creator was Bill Dair.