Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 7th July

Episode Date: August 4, 2023

What did Humza Yousaf and King Charles really say to each other when they met in Edinburgh? What is Sir Kier Starmer’s secret plan for after the election, and who first coined the word Aardvark? Answers to these questions and so much more.This episode was written by: Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, Edward Tew, Robert Darke, Joe Topping, Sophie Dickson, Sarah Campbell, Peter Tellouche, and Toussaint Douglass.Produced and created by Bill Dare Production Co-ordinator: Dan Marchini

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Welcome to Wimbledon. I'm Claire Balding. The only way I could be happier to be here is if the tennis was being played by horses. Well, what an exciting day's tennis. It's been a lot of upsets and surprises there. Quite the day, Tim.

Oh, definitely. And the day's not over yet. We're right in the middle of a very exciting match, but right now it's time for the one show, which has been moved from BBC One to BBC Two, so we're leaving BBC Two and joining viewers on BBC One. Welcome to those who've joined us on BBC One from BBC Two. And as I said, a very exciting match is going on now.

We're on the edge of our seats here, aren't we, Tim? Oh, definitely. Right now, East End has beckoned, so we're leaving BBC One and we're off to BBC Three. Welcome to all those of you who've joined us on BBC Three. This is Wimbledon and a very exciting match is still going on. Tim Henman. Oh, definitely. BBC Three. This is Wimbledon. And a very exciting match is still going on. Tim Henman. Oh, definitely.

BBC Three is our home now. Now, I'm being told a repeat of Top Gear Hove's interview, so we're off to CBeebies. Oh, no, no, no. CBeebies is full. No-one messes with Chuggington, so we're in a holding pattern waiting to land anywhere. Well, we're glad you can join us here on Babe Station.

We can continue. Now, with that riveting game, just a tip, don't ring any of the numbers running down the bottom of your screen. Too late for Tim Henman, sadly. Oh, definitely. You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson. And Martha Carney. After A-level answers were found circulating online, schools warned pupils of the long-term consequences of cheating, saying, do they really want to wake up in ten years' time and find themselves a member of the Australian cricket team? Yes, on Sunday, the Australian players were forced

to run the gauntlet of furious MCC members. There were horrible clashes, the worst of which was mustard trousers with a blue pinstripe blazer and pink bow tie. The Met Police are reopening an investigation into whether the lockdown-busting Tory mingle and jingle party was actually a lockdown-busting event. They're also reopening an investigation to distinguish their arses from their elbows. Sir Keir Starmer said he wants to create a level playing field between state school pupils and those from private schools. Oh no, no, I've abandoned that plan, Martha. Already? Oh yeah, it turns out that private schools are the only ones that still have playing fields. It turns out that private schools are the only ones that still have playing fields.

But I am pressing ahead with my plans for speaking lessons so that all pupils leave education with the same confidence as those from elite public schools. And I've actually appointed a speaking czar to oversee the programme. Achete, au revoir! Yes, I'll be teaching the scruffy peasants to speak like they're betters. Get it through their thick working class skulls and it's and not they'll be set for life.

The High Court has ruled that members of the Covid inquiry should see every single one of Boris Johnson's unredacted WhatsApp messages. And may God have mercy on their souls. On Monday, the world recorded its hottest day ever in history. This is a climate emergency. Mumbai is experiencing temperatures of 46 degrees. Mexico City, 49 degrees. And Edinburgh is baking as the midday temperature there peaked at a scorching 16 degrees. Whilst in Scotland for a ceremony to mark his coronation, King Charles met the SNP First Minister Humza Yousaf.

This is such an honour, Your Majesty. For heaven's sake, stop shaking, man. You're like a Theresa May tribute act. So, what do you do? I'm the head of Scotland. I thought I was head of Scotland.

So, how does one become head of Scotland? Well, I had to wait a long time. There was a woman before me who was incredibly popular and she took a long time to go. Oh, my God, you're me. You're me. A new alternative to Twitter has been unveiled. Yes, it's called going outside, taking a walk and getting a sense of perspective.

It's actually a new social media site from Facebook called, of all things, Threads. Met as vice-president in charge of making Mark Zuckerberg's Soya Latte just the way he likes it, Nick Clegg joins me now. Mr Clegg, don't you realise that Threads was the name of a famously bleak BBC drama set after a nuclear bomb goes off, depicting people trapped in a terrifying apocalyptic nightmare? Look, I was the leader of the Liberal Democrats. I took us into a coalition with the Tories

and wiped out my party in the process. Dystopia is a walk in the park to me. I watched Threads and thought it was a new Paddington movie. Meanwhile, in America, some white powder found in the White House was discovered to be cocaine. My fellow Americans, I knew nothing of this, or anything else for that matter. The only white powder I come into contact with is that white powder you get when you open a tin of travel sweets in your car.

get when you open a tin of travel sweets in your car. Sure gets everywhere, don't it? On your sunglasses, on your driving gloves, on your son's little packets of cocaine. God bless Queen live at Wembley. Political opponents were quick to respond. This is such a disgrace, you know. You'd never find cocaine in the White House when I was president. Don Jr. never spilled a grain. We called him the human aardvark, which is like a tiny, hairy elephant that sucks up ants. Aardvark. Aardvark. Aardvark. I invented that word, you know. I thought, why should abdicate be the first word in a dictionary?

It's a horrible word, sordid. So I invented artwork. You're welcome. So in conclusion, no cocaine. When we left, we packed our cocaine carefully with my golf shirts and nuclear plans and put it all in my toilet for easy access. Sport now. And Wimbledon was the latest event to be targeted by Just Stop Oil,

with protesters storming the court and throwing jigsaw pieces everywhere. The fragments were later gathered up by stewards and given to the British players for something to do in the second week. UK's sporting history has been made with the first woman to be appointed as manager of a men's professional football team. She joins me now.

That's right, Nick, it's the Troster! Yeah, I'm ready to shake up football the same way I shook up politics when I got the top job there, hashtag legend. Instead of goals, my team's going to go for touchdowns. I'm playing 11 goalkeepers. FA Cup glory, here I come. Sorry, Jose, but it turns out Busy Lizzy is the special one. I know!

Pedestrians and drivers in London were stunned this week after billboards appeared around the capital advertising an explicit OnlyFans account, sparking complaints to the advertising watchdog the account holder is on the line now salutations mr robinson jacob reese mogg you have an explicit only fans account most assuredly there's a cost of living crisis on and i need to earn more money if i'm to keep my family in petticoats and cummerbunds. What sort of content do you publish? Oh, it's highly explicit X-rated filth,

such as flashing three centimetres of my bulbous ankle bone, running a silk neckerchief suggestively through my fingers while reading passages from Jude the Obscure, and twirling a cane wearing nothing but three undershirts and heavy woollen breeches. Is that it?

Oh no. For premium members, I poke my plonker through a suet pudding. I poke my plonker through a suet pudding. You want a bank that puts customers first? Here at New Brit Bank, that's exactly what we do. No, no, no, let me speak. Limey.

That's the longest I've let a woman speak for without saying, OK, love, the men are talking. I must be going soft. Yes, Nigel Farage is starting a bank. Why? Well, because, lo and behold, the Ramona Gestapo have finally got to me. My highly exclusive coots account was closed quicker than a nun's legs at the rugby club. I was just minding my own business,

lobbing rocks at a boat full of migrants, and after hitting three of the twerps, I went to the local British Legion for a well-earned pint and butter chaser. But when I came to pay, something terrible happened. Oh yes, my card was declined. No explanation, nothing. Just like when the wife left.

I've been ostracised because of who I am, what I stand for, and the fact that I try to deposit a Greggs wrapper instead of actual money. It's an establishment stitch-up. If we don't do something now, I may be forced to consider a fate worse than death itself. Moving to France.

But I'll always fight for what's right. I'm the Rosa Parks for the white man. So, this is my own bank, and I'm doing things my way. It'll have local branches, cashiers with low-cut tops, ashtrays on the counters and common-sense rules like no-one with a foreign name.

And if women want an account, they need written permission from either a nearby man or a serious-looking dog. So, apply online now for more information about Brit... OK, love, the men are talking. Hooray! Big Doge has got his mojo back! Hello, I'm Dr Michael Moseley. And this is Just One Thing, where each episode we'll explore one thing you can start doing today

to improve your health and wellbeing. Now, we all want to keep our bodies in tip-top condition, so it's important to eat the right food. But with prices soaring and purses tightening, it can be tricky to get a good balance of nutrients, which brings me to this week's tip. Why not try shoplifting? I've been using my five-finger discount in Sainsbury's every day for the last month. And let me tell you, it's done wonders for my nutrition. Thanks to all those avocados I've been palming on the reg, my eyes have never been so sparky.

And there are other benefits to a regular bit of sticky fingering. Learning to outrun Big Tony from security has really boosted my cardiovascular health. If you're new to filching, I suggest starting small. Try pocketing a kumquat or perhaps a walnut. Once you've got the hang of that, why not shove some rhubarb down your trousers? If fellow shoppers stop and stare at my bulge, I just smile and say, I'm pleased to see them. They usually leave me alone after that. So there you go. Try it for yourself. Join me next time, and I'll be seeing if I can reduce my hay fever by popping on a gimp mask. Cheerio!

BBC Radio 4 And now, The Archers, and Tom Archer is having words with Brian Aldridge. I'm telling you, you need to get those tractors off the land next to Bridge Farm pronto. Otherwise, it will

be the worst for you. Hey, big man, listen. The bull is my territory now. Capisce? Wait a minute, you two. You're not Tom Archer and Brian Aldrich. You're Arnold Schwarzenegger and Al Pacino. Oh, yeah. What are you doing here? Pacino! Oh, yeah. What are you doing here?

There's strict rules to having celebrities on the archers. One member of the royal family every 20 years and one winner of Bake Off every other Christmas. I am sorry, Clary, but we are here because there's nowhere else for us to go. Yeah! Since the writer's strike, we've had no work at all. So we have to take

work anywhere we can. Even Birmingham. Please let us stay. Alright then, you can stay. Oh, how wonderful. It will be nice to get a paycheck after all these months. Pay? We don't get paid. Oh no.

The BBC gives us our buddy waiting turnips from the Blue Peter Garden every six months. Oh. Oh, dear, Clary. Was it something I said? Well, well done, Eddie. I knew that I'd get rid of him. Actually believing we get

paid in turnips. Exactly, Clary. Everyone knows it's ferret droppings. It's a new year in the Celebrity Master Chef kitchen, and time for our chefs to present their first dishes to the judges. First up is Stacey Solomon. So basically,

my dingle dangles, I made you roast rack of lamb in a red wine jus, served with black truffles, not chocolate ones, and topped with little gold sprinkles from H. Samuel. I'm actually quite proud of it. But what will John Turode and Greg Wallace make of the plan? I like it. That's going to be amazing. And it better be good,? I like it. That's going to be amazing. And it better be good because I'm starving.

Stop everything. Help has arrived. Martin Lewis? Mate, this show is not about saving money. You're wrong. Literally everything is about saving money. I mean, black truffles, gold sprinkles. How are you going to save with those? What? Hang on. Listen to me, everyone. It is simple. You take the rice from an

expired risotto you bought on club card points and you mix it with the chicken from this tin of fray bentos that's not legally sellable because it got dented in transit. You put a blender you found on the side of the road and you shake it manually to save on electricity. Then you take it, put it in an icer, get the cash back on the icer. You take a pot of replica double cream from your daughter's old kitchen toy set, break up the plastic set in the same blender you found on the street,

shake manually to save on electricity, then sprinkle on some biscuit crumbs you found behind the settee. Here is one I made earlier. Try it. Oh my God, I think I'm going to be sick. Wow, so it's lovely. Now I must go. I need to appear on regular MasterChef, Junior MasterChef, Ready Steady Cook, The Great British Bake Off, Great British Menu, Saturday Kitchen, Sunday Brunch. Come dine with me and travel back in time to be in Delia Spitz' How to Cook. Oh, you can't be in all those places at once.

I can with my new trans-dimensional time machine, 60% off at TK Maxx. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Hello and welcome to Newsnight with me, Kirsty Wark. I am your mother, you listen to me.

Stop all that mansplaining, no-one's listening. More on that story later. The cost of living crisis continues to hurt millions. It's just not cricket. I'm sorry, there's a noise in the studio, but I can't see any... Down here, Kirsty. Oh, sorry. Prime Minister, you haven't actually been invited onto tonight's show.

I'm here in case you wanted to know what I think about the ashes. I don't think we need your opinion on a cricket match. OK, how about this one? A sausage sandwich is much nicer with white bread. I'm sorry, what is that contraption? It's called the Opinionator 3000. Conservative HQ gave it to me. I spin the big wheel

and it lands on an inconsequential topic. Then I spin the little wheel and it lands on an insipid opinion. I'll show you. I am not afraid to say that I personally think that call centre hold music really gets on my nerves. And I also think that Taylor Swift just isn't the same without Sue Barker.

Right, well, that one certainly didn't work. OK, let's try again. The Glastonbury Festival is much nicer with white bread. OK, something seems to have gone wrong. Let me just reset it. A Glastonbury festival is much nicer with white bread. OK, something seems to have gone wrong. Let me just reset it. What do I think about mortgage rates? That shouldn't be in there.

I'd love to see the answer to that. It says, I don't care, I own seven houses. Right, this is definitely... This is going back to the manufacturers. Prime Minister, thank you. Thank you, Kirsty You're very... much nicer with white bread It's working again

Coming up later, Neil MacGregor returns with a new series of A History of the World in 100 Objects This week, he has a look at Andrew Bridgen's shriveled soul. But now it's the Radio 4 Peel with Dame Judi Dench. Hello. July is a difficult month for many people, like Steve. Steve has spent the whole of June staring at rainbow flags saying, why don't we

have a month celebrating straight people? He's been saying it on the web forums and on Twitter. He's been saying it on the web forums and on Twitter. He's been saying it in his pub and in the office. But now it's July and he's got nothing to do. He's just staring at the wall in his living room, waiting for June to come round again. You can help Steve and others like him stay furious.

Just £10 would help us to hire a seven-foot drag queen round to his house and stick her delicious buttocks in his face. Just £20 would send Steve to a musical every night where he would be showered with glitter and dragged on stage by the cast of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Give £100 and we guarantee that Steve will wake up in Vegas with a large man called Daisy cupping his testicles. And when he lands back in the UK, Steve will insist on being referred to by his drag queen name, Tequila Mockingbird.

Please give generously. Keeping a little squirt like Steve annoyed is for life, not just for Pride Month. Coming soon, it's Mission Impossible 8, or is it 9? Ah, heck, I don't care! Agent Hunt, you've been sent to London to make contact with a high-ranking official who desperately needs your help. Copy that. I have eyes on him. Sir, I'm Agent Hunt, team leader. I'm Agent Starmer, labor leader.

I've asked you here because this country is on the brink of a crisis. The economy is crushing, our infrastructure is collapsing, and lives are on the line. So what do we do? End the crisis? Fix the economy? Rebuild the infrastructure and save everyone? No. We make some modest tweaks that may result in a slight improvement

to the situation over the medium to long term. But your entire society is in danger. We need to act hard and fast. Yes. How about a well-placed tut? Ah. You mean a tactical undercover threat? No, a tut.

A verbal tut. Like this. Quiet, but audible. It's pathetic. This is mission impossible. We need to... Ah, right, OK. I see the problem now.

That may have been a slight misunderstanding. This is actually mission responsible. I don't understand. Well, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to identify everything that's wrong with the UK, but then fail to come up with any exciting solutions. Screw that. I'm launching a jet ski over big men with my hands tied to my feet.

We'll figure out why later. Well, that was rather audacious. Honestly, who does he think he is? Ed Davey. Welcome back to Today at Wimbledon. Now, you'll have seen the Just Stop Oil protests that were staged here earlier in the week. I'm told another one is in progress on Centre Court, and we can cross now to our courtside reporter, Gigi Salmon. Yes, Claire. A protester has run onto court and glued themselves to the grass, and this is... Wait, no. Surely that isn't...

Hello, and welcome to Wimbledon with me, Sue Barker. I don't understand, Sue. Are you working with Just Stop Oil? Not Just Stop Oil, Gigi. Read the T-shirt. Oh, just stop bald. That's right. I'm not talking hair loss.

I'm talking balding with a capital C. I'm coming for you, Claire. I'm on the rampage. And when I'm done here, I'm getting question of sport back by gluing myself to Paddy McGuinness. Hello and welcome to Woman's Hour with me, Anita Rani. And for all our male listeners, no, you don't get a round of applause for tuning in, so stop making a big deal about it. Now, there have been some truly shocking reports in the news this week about the extent of sexual harassment by police. Here to discuss the issue, I'm joined by the head of the Met Police, Sir Mark Rowley. Sir Mark, who on

earth can victims turn to when the very people who are supposed to be protecting them are the perpetrators? On the surface, it does sound like a difficult dilemma, but there's actually a very simple, long-standing police procedure women can follow if they have a complaint. OK, and what's that? It's very straightforward.

They can just write out a full account of what happened and then pop it down a wishing well. How is that supposed to help? Anita, I'm not going to patronise your listeners by explaining to them how a wishing well works. Well, that's clearly not a solution to a serious issue. I know it's a very serious issue and I accept that not every woman will have access to a wishing well.

Right. In which case, I suggest they wait until their next birthday so when they blow out their candles, they can make a wish for disciplinary action. Have you any idea how insulting that is? If the police can't be trusted, how on earth can women safely report these... They'll whisper them into the ear of a gnome.

What? I think they take care of wishes. They'll whisper them into the ear of a gnome. What? I think they take care of wishes. How about you just commit to overhauling the toxic culture of the police? That sounds lovely. We can't all live in a fantasy land, can we, Anita? Dear me. Introducing a unique British fragrance. Enjoy my signature scent of delicate English roses drenched in an unending shower of human excrement.

Yes, it's Eau Suage. By Therese Coffey. Featuring subtle notes of last night's takeaway and high levels of microplastics and E. coli. Where sensuality meets Victorian infrastructure, you'll find... Oh, suage. What is that smell?

It's just a bit of poo. Hello, hello, hello and welcome to The One Show, news night for people who struggle with buttons. Coming up, Angela Rippon will be seeing if she can fit inside a fridge. But first, you've probably heard about Mark Zuckerberg's plan to launch Threads, a rival platform to Twitter. Here to discuss the story further, please welcome our special guest, the self-described UK's foremost tech titan.

Yeah, thank you for having me. Lord Sugar, I hear you're about to launch your own British version of Twitter. Well, that's right. As the creator of the Amstrad CPC464, with built-in tape drive, I know what British tech consumers really want. They don't want to fart around sending memes and gifs. They want a platform where they can interact in a proper British way. And that's why I've created Grumble. Yeah, Grumble is a sterling

bit of British social media. Instead of a whinge about any old crap, users send a grumble that's strictly limited to the topics us British really care about. The weather, sore knees and the state of M&S sandwiches. Right, just those three topics. What bleeding else is there to talk about, Alex? Okay, so how does it work then? I don't want to blind you with science, but basically, you telephone a hotline. And the person on the other end types out whatever you say into Morse code. Then that gets beeped over to my mate Les, who trains pigeons in Clapton.

Les will attach your message to one of his pigeons. He'll then fly over to Amstrad HQ, where one of our computer boffins will take your message, pop it into a computer, print it out, and fax it over to some guy in El Salvador who then types it into the interweb. Oh, wow, OK, that sounds very complicated. Thank you.

Like I say, I know tech. And if any of you viewers want to know more, write into my PO box and I'll send you a fact sheet on a floppy disk. Dared Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howarth, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, Edward Chew, Robert Dark, Joe

Topping, Sophie Dixon, Peter Toulouche, Toussaint Douglas, and Sarah Campbell. It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4, and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.