Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - Christmas Specials 2020 - Episode 2

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

Topical satire from Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis McLeod, Debra Stephenson and Duncan Wisbey.Dead Ringers somehow manages to make fishing quotas funny. Other topics include The Crown, panic shopping, Christmas bubbling and why on earth the BBC has redesigned the Daleks.The writing squad for the series: Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, Sarah Campbell, James Bugg, Simon Alcock, Jeffrey Aidoo, Alex Hardy, Edward Tew, Lewis Cook, Jane McCutcheon and Vivienne Riddoch, Sophie Dickson and Cody Daher.Producer: Bill Dare. A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Next spring, it's the movie of the year. An international incident. Countries at war. World leaders at each other's throats. It's a job for one man. I don't know who you are. I don't know who you are.

I don't know what you want. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. And those skills are making fish into tiny shapes and covering them with breadcrumbs. Liam Neeson stars as Captain Birdseye in Taken, Our Fish. There's a herring being pursued by a boat full of Frenchmen, and we need to act now, before it ends up on the plate of a family of five in Brittany, instead of in

a British dustbin, because we don't really eat herring. In a world between good and evil, a world between hope and fear, a world between Guernsey and Sark, you will find Captain Birdseye. Only the best for the captain's table.

As long as the Portuguese don't get there first. Taken. Our fish. Rated R. This is Dead Ringers, whatever tier you're in. You're listening to Today with Martha Carney and Nick Robinson. The headlines. Asked about the £40,000 pay rise Dominic Cummings received when he was working in Downing Street, Boris Johnson said he couldn't see anything wrong with it. Perhaps he should have been the one driving to Barnard Castle to test his eyesight. Tom Cruise was recorded shouting at crew members breaking Covid protocols on the set of Mission Impossible 7. Cruise has long led by example by social distancing himself from every woman he's ever married.

In a statement, the star said that if the crew didn't show a bit more common sense, they'd never make it to Level 20 Thetan Overlord. Ministers have now claimed that Brexit negotiations are into their final stage. That final stage being whether the EU should use the wording sod off or off you sod. Railfares are going to rise by more than expected in the new year, which will come as a nasty shock to the nine office workers in Britain still commuting. Jeremy Corbyn has set up a peace commission to bring an end to brutal civil wars in Yemen, Somalia and Africa. I wish to end all brutal civil wars, apart from the one I started in the Labour Party, of course.

As far as Labour is concerned, it is burn, baby, burn. GPs are complaining that the rollout of vaccines to surgeries is chaotic, with simply not enough fridges to store it in. Health Secretary Matt Hancock. They don't need fridges, Martha. We're ensuring the vaccine arrives at sub-zero temperatures by transporting it in the iciest thing known to man, Priti Patel. Despite criticism from the medical profession,

Downing Street confirmed it will still be relaxing restrictions over Christmas to allow certain friends and family to mix freely. Well, of course we are. You have to remember that business is backing us on this. We've got nearly 100% support from undertakers and gravediggers nationwide. Meanwhile, other national leaders toughened up their advice for a Covid Christmas. Look, in Scotland, you should only mix for one of the five days. But look, all visitors from England will be given a very warm Scottish welcome

once they've been quarantined in a purpose-built Covid wicker man. But by far the most tragic news this week is that London is being placed into Tier 3, meaning the closure of all restaurants and pubs. I'm joined now by some northerner called Andy Burnham. What? This is an absolutely devastating blow for the entire country, isn't it? It's disappointing, obviously. But I don't remember you lot making this fuss when most of the North was placed into Tier 3. It's typical London-centric media bias.

But this new decision has absolutely ruined my dinner plans for Saturday. We were going to that new place in Shoreditch. Apparently the kimchi is stunning. Hello? Oh, sorry. Are you still here? Could I have a little respect, please? Of course, absolutely. By the way, which one in Oasis were you again? Oh, neither. I was just one of the Thunderbirds. Meanwhile, it seems the government in Westminster is trusting the British public

to show common sense and do the right thing. That's the same British public who were phoning 999 when KFC ran out of chicken. God help us all. Hello and welcome to the 10 o'clock news. I'm Hugh Edwards, exempt from wearing a mask because of my beefy jawline. You join us for an extraordinary announcement as EU Chief Ursula von der Leyen has declared a total capitulation in the Brexit negotiations. She joins me now. You can have anything you like. I'll sign the deal today. Who has a pen? Get me a pen. Hugh, a pen, please, now, as a matter of some urgency.

Miss von der Leyen, slow down. How on earth has Prime Minister Johnson managed to negotiate all this? Negotiate? That clown couldn't negotiate his fly when he came out of the bathroom. No, I just suddenly realised if we don't make a deal by the 23rd, I will end up stuck in Boris's Christmas bubble. That is a harrowing thought. And I refuse to spend Christmas with that sausage-fingered clown. He dribbled on for seven hours yesterday about avoiding the dangers of the Salzburg Agreement. So I googled it and it's not even a trade deal. It's a straight-to-DVD action movie starring Vin Diesel. So the talks are over? Completely.

Britain, you win. Perhaps this was the Prime Minister's genius tactic all along? There is a fine line between genius Hugh and a man who begins every meeting by burping waltzing Matilda into a megaphone. First Minister Drakeford, with the announcement that 11,000 positive tests are missing from the official figures, can you reassure the people of Wales that your government has a grip on the virus? No. No? No. We're screwed. Mr Drakeford, we cannot. Look, we've had a jolly good go, haven't we? We tried lockdown, semi-lockdown, a firebreak, a firestopper, Covid cavity wall insulation. We said, go out, don't go out, don't come in and go away. We followed the science, we followed our gut. We even tried following yonder star.

But I just ended up in the car park of a cash and carry at 3am. I've tried everything, so there's only one thing for it now. And what's that? I'm going to switch Wales off and on again and hope that fixes everything. If it's good enough for the IT boys, it's good enough for me. Welcome to Newsnight. I'm Emily Maitlis. It's OK, we know you only turned over because you were watching Naked Attraction and you felt a bit sick. With Covid cases rising, there's mixed messages coming from the government about Christmas. So to clear things up,

we're joined by Michael Gove. Emily, as we've said all along, it is perfectly safe to celebrate Christmas with your family. Excellent. That's very clear. But ask yourself this, do you really, really, really, really want to take the risk? OK, suddenly it's not so clear. No, Emily, I'm quite clearly saying Christmas together, yeah, that's a great idea, a really, really great idea, mate. Well done on that one, yeah. It sounds sarcastic. Emily, I'm saying, yes, of course, you could spend Christmas together and I could pop Nicholas Watt's head between my knees right now

and play his head like the bongos. Do I want to? Yes. Am I going to? No, probably. Although I could. I'd be allowed to, but I won't. Although it would be permissible. So you're forcing the public to make a decision because you don't want to. At the end of the day, whichever you choose, yes, you definitely

can celebrate Christmas together. OK, great. That's the answer I was looking for. Wink. And now what are you doing? I'm doing the opposite of a wink. It's an unwink, widening one eye very suddenly. One last chance. Should families get together at Christmas or not? Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah. And I hope I've made myself perfectly understood. Wishing you all a govy, govy, govy Christmas and a covety, govety New Year. The people of Britain, despite the EU's continuing refusal to put Britain's interests first in the Brexit negotiations, I have agreed to extend the talks because I know, as a fit and proper leader, what the consequences of a no-deal Brexit would be for ordinary working people.

Oh no. As I was saying, I'm straining every sinew urging our negotiators to work tirelessly to find a compromise to find a... Fwaaah! Oh, no, not bad, Boris! Fwaaah! That's right, urging our negotiators to pretend we don't want a no-deal Brexit when that's all I've ever wanted! Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!

Fwaaah! Some car plants in the north will close. You can just ride whippets to work or roll downhill in a tin bath. Well, suck it up, losers! Fwaa losers. Stop interrupting when I'm being Churchillian. Churchillian? The only thing you'll be fighting on the beaches is a seven-year-old child when I nick her 99 flake. Yum. I'm letting it look like we're edging towards a Brexit deal because that means an even bigger payday for my chums who backed me to be leader. Stop it. I am putting the interests of the country first. Come Jan first, we can flog

UKPLC off to a private equity firm who can asset strip it of whatever value it has left and flog Guernsey to Sir Philip Green whilst I'm sunning my pallid arse on a beach in the Cayman Islands. See ya, suckers! Wouldn't want to be a... Hello, Kamala Harris, Time Magazine

Person of the Year. Hey, snap. Who is this? Kamala, it's Joe, your co-person of the year. Oh, Joe, what can I do for you, Joe? I've sort of got the Pentagon on the other line. Hey, gee whiz, shouldn't I be on that call? Oh, no, no, no. We were just

chit-chatting. You wouldn't be interested. Girly things, really. Which boys we like for Chief of the Defense Staff, the Iranian nuclear deal, that kind of thing. Phew, gotcha. Well, in that case, I won't keep you. I was just calling to say congratulations. We've been officially confirmed by the Electoral College. Isn't it wonderful? You know, Joe, to celebrate, I've booked you a little treat. A treat? Oh, boy, what is it? Well, I know how much you love running in your suit. I sure do. I want folks to know I'm athletic.

So, I've booked you into the Scranton, Pennsylvania Fun Run. Hey, my hometown. Neat. When is it? January 20th at midday. The 20th? Oh, dagnabbit, that's my inauguration. It is? Shoot, that's too bad. There's no way around it.

Unless... Now, Kamala, I think I see what you're up to. Oh, you do? You are going to suggest you get inaugurated instead of me, aren't you? Well, I... That way, I get to do the fun run. Oh, Kamala, you're such an angel. Now, I've got to go tell Barack to tune in to Scranton, Pennsylvania local news on the 20th.

He might see me on TV. Bye, Kamala on the 20th. He might see me on TV. Bye, Carmilla. Bye, Joe. My loyal subjects, this is your Queen, speaking to you from behind my special desk. You may have read that I was delaying recording my Christmas message until Brexit was finally sorted. But if I waited until that smirking hairball in number 10 gets his pudgy finger out, I wouldn't be on the telly till 2050.

No, the delay is because this year it's going to be a very different sort of Christmas message. Since Netflix have plagiarised one's entire life, I thought I'd nick something from those thieving bastards for a change. You remember that Christmas Black Mirror movie from a few years back where you could pick your own ending? Well, this year we're doing that. By using your remote control, you can decide whether this message ends with me saying the usual guff about Christmas being a time for renewal, or one of six alternative endings, including Philip doing his Christine Keeler pose on a Queen Anne chair, Charles and Camilla doing Gogglebox on the sofa watching Diana with her head down the carsey on the crown, or me revealing the location of Andrew's

secret hideaway to the feds. So which of those endings will you choose? I know which one I'll pick. It'll be Mr Sweaty Goes to Washington to get waterboarded by the CIA every time. Merry Christmas. Welcome back to Channel 4 News with me, the only man who actually wants wacky socks for Christmas. The government is under fire over the Brexit talks, school closures and Covid restrictions. I'm joined by the Health Secretary, Matt Hancock. Look, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all the chaos. It's all to do with this new strain that's just been detected.

The new strain of coronavirus? No, the new strain of government incompetence. Good Lord. Relax, John. It's nothing to worry about. Governments like us mutate and become more inept all the time. Admittedly, the scientists do think

this particular new strain will make us many, many more times more incompetent than we were previously. So what is the plan to halt this new strain of incompetence? Like I say, John, it's all under control. We've got our best man on it. Chris Grayling here. Help is on the way. Whoops! Kicked over a candle.

Now I'm on fire! Put me out! To be fair, that is the most competent thing Chris Grayling has ever done. Hello, Keir Starmer. The inspiration for everyone's favourite Bridget Jones character, that metal pole in the fire station. Keir, it's Angela Raynor. What of it? Oh, hi. Look,

we need to talk about your anger issues. Oh, I know. I'm sorry. I have been a bit full on recently. I just get swept away in the moment, you know. And before you know it, I've said something rash, like, I'm very concerned. No, Kia, your issue is that you haven't got any anger. If you want to take on these Tories,

we've got to get you fired up, work out what gets you good and aggy, and channel it, right? Aggy? Oh, aggy, right, right. Here, let's practice. Imagine someone's graffitied a rude word on your car and lobbed your briefcase in a bin. Look, Angela, I've told you. I've

forgiven you for that. Move on. You were understandably cross I'd taken your space. Alright, bad example. And I'm sorry again about that. It's fine, it's fine. Move on. Okay, okay. Different scenario. Someone's broken into your house and nicked all your stuff. What do you say to them scumbags?

Well, first of all, I'd have to call on them in the strongest possible terms to review whether that course of action was appropriate, and then Wait, forget that. Someone's cocked your cat. Oh, well, I mean, I appreciate cooking cats is not ideal, but I will not

oppose it for opposition's sake, but I would have to call on those responsible for the cooking of the cat. Your gran's been kidnapped and she... What? Oh, I can't do it. It's too hard. What do you mean? No matter what I say, you're still talking like you're trying to swallow a cucumber whole. I don't recognise that characterisation.

Oh, it makes me want to clip you round the ear. Don't you touch my hair. The gel hasn't set yet and it takes ages to get the Swiss right. That would make me very angry. I've done it. I've got you aggy, Keir. Oh, yeah, you have. Well done. Oh, I like this. Oh, great. Come on.

I'm really aggy. Oh, I'm aggy. Come here. Come on. Wizard and Roy were there wishing it could be Christmas every day. A lovely sentiment. Or is it? If that wish did in fact come true, obesity levels would soar and the entire economy would tank within weeks. You didn't think that through, did you, Roy?

We're talking fishing rights today. Why is it all suddenly about the fish? Sandra from Maidstone, surely when you voted for Brexit, you weren't thinking about fish? Oh, yes, it was always about the fish. Haddock, cod, carp. It is goose on a fish. Thank you, Sandra.

Barry from Wakefield, surely both sides can just admit this really wasn't about the fish? Give over. Brexit were never about sovereignty, immigration and bureaucracy. It's always been about the common fisheries policy and inequitable zonal attachment quotas within the North Sea exclusive economic zones.

Or the EZ, as us gurnard heads like to call it. OK, next on the line we have Sue from Northumberland. Sue, you'd like to disagree? Absolutely not. This was always about a minor imbalance in Pollock allocation. I'm losing my bonds here, Kang. Let's speak to someone from the other side. A staunch Remainer. Paloma Faith! So, Jeremy, as you know, I've been

a long-time campaigner for Remain. That is, until I heard that Norway might get 2% more turbot than us. Now I spray paint F-U-E-U on every little I can find. Good points from everyone there. Well, that's all from me. I'm off to scream into an empty bucket. Here's to travelling Wilburys. And handle with care. This is the 10 o'clock news with me, Hugh Edwards.

All the hugs you've been longing for in newsreader form. Brexit talks are still dragging on. Who would have thought? We can cross live now to Brussels and our Europe editor, Katja Adler. Hello, Hugh. Yes, no sign of a breakthrough today. The sticking point remains the level playing field. And yet yesterday we appeared to be on the verge of a breakthrough today. The sticking point remains the level playing field. And yet yesterday we appeared to be on the verge of a breakthrough. That's right. When I was woken yesterday morning at 6.30am by the clock radio in my hotel room playing I Got You Babe, it did seem like a

breakthrough was imminent. But as the day continued, those hopes faded. Right. Reminded me a little of the day before that, when I was woken at 6.30am by I Got You Babe on a hotel clock radio with hopes high for a breakthrough which faded through the day and the day before that and that. Do you always wake up that way, Katya? Ever since I can remember. Don't you, Hugh? Well, yes, now I come to think of it. Yes, I do. I wake up to I Got You Babe on the radio, I walk into the BBC,

I say something on the news like level playing field or fishing quota, whatever, and then it happens all over again. It's happening to everyone in the news, Hugh. We've been in this loop for four years now. Oh, God, is there any hope of breaking it, Katya? Well, from my research watching Groundhog Day, we can only break the loop if the main character grows up and stops being such a jerk. No crappier it comes again.

From the makers of A Quiet Place, the smash hit film about a family having to stay silent to evade killer monsters, comes a new movie, A Quiet Place Hampshire, starring Judi Dench and Patrick Stewart. Oh, hell. That's Susan's car on the drive. Oh, I thought you said they'd have the sense not to come this year. What are we going to do? Hide behind the sofa.

Come on. And stay silent until they give up and leave. Yes. Mum, Dad, are you in there? Shh, shh, shh. Come on, we've driven up all the way from London. I'm fairly sure none of us have got Covid. And besides, there's no way we're spending the whole of Christmas on our own

with the kids. I would like to see the grandchildren. No, don't, Kevin. It's a trap. They're in Tier 3 and riddled with Covid from their plague pit school. Hold your nerve, darling, and stay completely silent.

Oh, who's this coming up the drive? It looks like an Ocado van. Ocado? Oh, thank God. I'll be right there. Hooray! Come on, in we go. Hello, Grandad. Merry Christmas, Grandma. Oh, bugger.

You're listening to Front Row. Doctor Who is coming back, complete with swanky new redesigned Daleks. These new Daleks look pretty incredible, Doc. What with their luminous blue bits and sleek black casing. I know. They even terrify me. We have located the Doctor. Oh no, they've seen us. Exterminate them.

This looks like the end for us. Why is my exterminator not working? Mine's not working either. Oh no! What's wrong now? I don't know. It worked fine in the old Dalek design. Perhaps we should have downloaded that upgrade when it told us. No way! Last time I did that, I lost all my photos. Hang on, you two.

Do you have the old Exterminator Pro 2016? Yes. I bet you've upgraded to Catalina. Don't run on Catalina. What? You've got to be joking. Exterminator Pro 2016

only works on High Sierra and Mo Harvey. You've got to buy the new Exterminator Pro 2020. Can you just wait there for a second? You've got to buy the new Exterminator Pro 2020. Can you just wait there for a second? We've got to find a genius bar. We'll be right back to exterminate you in a minute. If I can remember our Apple password, I think it was your mother's birthday and the name of the last planet we invaded in uppercase. I'll have to WhatsApp Davros. Phew, that's the last we'll see of them.

Yeah, but they said they'd be right back. After seeing those queues at the Genius Bar, by the time they've seen someone, I'll have regenerated into Phoebe Waller-Bridge. The clock is ticking. From the 1st of January 2021, businesses that deal with Europe will have to follow new rules on exports, imports, data and hiring. If that's you, there's actions that need sorting. Right now. And if you've worked out what those actions are, go online at gov.uk slash transition and tell us.

Because we haven't got a bloody clue. We've pissed millions up the wall on these expensive ads, getting actors to pretend to be forklift truck drivers and fishermen and the like. I've been hired, with my reassuring voice, to tell you to check, change, go. But in terms of actual concrete measures that will help you get ready for this impending shitshow, it's still anyone's guess. Maybe you know what's going to happen with quotas, or you've worked out the new tariff regime. Maybe you even understand what check, change, go means.

We've had four years to prepare for this, and all we've got to show for it is a flooded lorry park, non-existent ferries, and a warehouse full of discontinued 50-pence coins. Brexit. We're not ready for it, so why the hell would you be? I'm Ross Kemp, and I've come face-to-face with Russian neo-Nazis, Colombian guerrilla fighters, and some of the most brutal villains on this planet. But none of that prepared me for the scenes I've witnessed today at the fromagerie of Pimlico's Waitrose.

Middle-class shoppers desperate to stockpile their favourite fancy European foods. That's my blood, Oven, you stupid old fool! Unbelievable. Nigella Lawson has just head-butted an old man in order to grab the last bit of cheese off the shelf. Nigella, what do you think

you're playing at? I simply cannot bear the thought of not being able to get my hands on my favourite gooey, creamy, oozy, deliciously divine a pasta bourgogne. Well, when you put it like that... Hey, you!

Yes, you, you old bint! Get your filthy paws off that Paulini St. Pierre. I'll have your bloody eye out! This is some of the most aggressive behaviour I have ever seen. Hang on. The fighting's broken out at the charcuterie section. I'm on my way.

Don't you dare, Paxman. Get your hands off my ham, allsop. OK, break it up. I'm Ross. I'm unarmed. What's going on? Well, as you can see, this awful jumped-up estate agent has attempted to snatch the last of the ham on Iberico right out of my hands. Let go of my cured pork or I'll lamp you with my Emma Bridgewater brolly. Guys, panic buying is a completely unnecessary, totally irresponsible

way to... Is that your trolley filled with nothing but kinder eggs? No. You won't mind if we take a couple then. Do you know what a Colombian smile is? Er... If you take one of my kinder eggs, you're gonna find out. Capiche? Capiche. After the break,

I meet Alan, who found himself on the wrong side of the law after a bust-up over some Austrian biscuits. I told her I'd kill for a Viennese world. She didn't know I meant it literally. First Minister Mark Drakeford here with a special announcement for the people of Wales. And if you don't mind terribly, I'm here to tick you off. We've blinken worked out why COVID rates won't go down in Wales. It's because you

just can't stop singing. So while the R rates rising, we must stop harmonising. To deliver this crucial health policy, I've lined up Tom Jones. Well, the message is simple. We need mining community choirs to lay off the Mivanwi. When I heard about the soaring virus rates, I thought... Tom, Tom, why are you singing? I don't know. Why, why, why?

Tom, Tom, stop it. Now, we need to tell Tom, Tom, stop it. Now, we need to tell grannies to stop singing the shopping list. And all you amateur tenors, no more mournful laments on Penarth Pier. Yes, you can no longer sing, but you can leave your hat on. Right, that's it. I'm bringing in Catherine Jenkins. She's a lady. Tom, be serious. At this moment of great national sacrifice, it's time for the land of song to be silent.

Ah, you see. It's time to keep clear of cum ronta. Ah, she's right, you know. It's time to say goodbye. Oh, no, not you as well. Catherine, that's enough. Now, both of you just please go. We can't go, Mark, because... Baby, it's cold outside. Oh, but she's got to go away. No, no, you've got me at it now.

But, baby, it's cold outside. I really can't stay. Oh, but it's cold outside. Oh, I knew I should have booked Shirley Bloody Bassie. Dared Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Deborah Stevenson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jamieson, Lawrence Howard, Ed Amson and Tom Coles, James Bug, Simon Alcock, Geoffrey Adu,

Alex Hardy, Edward Chew, Lewis Cook, Jane McCutcheon and Vivian Riddick, Sophie Dixon and Cody Darla. It was a BBC Studios production

and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. Hi, I'm Angela Barnes, host of The Comedy Club. creator was Bill Dare. And then my Yorkshire puddings come. Yatta-ta-ta-ta. Dancing in. Subscribe to the Comedy Club interview on BBC Sounds.