Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Summer Comedy Festival - Daliso Chaponda

Episode Date: August 7, 2020

Expect a summer festival with a difference as some of the nation's favourite comics turn curators and host a virtual festival featuring their favourite performers from the worlds of comedy, literature and spoken word. They'll be in control of everything (even the weather) as we're taken along for the ride to not only hear some great performances but also to get an insight into the cultural radars of our celebrity hosts.In episode 3 it's Malawian comedian Daliso Chaponda's turn as host as he wanders round his own fantasy Festival of Protest. Black Lives Matter, Me Too, climate change, cancel culture and social mobility are all explored by Daliso and his passionate guests. Host... Daliso Chaponda Guest... Athena Kugblenu Guest... Scott Bennett Guest... Kate Lucas Guest... Russell Kane Producer... Carl Cooper Production co-ordinator... Caroline Barlow Sound... Chris McLeanThis is a BBC Studios Production

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Hey, how are you doing? I am Malawian stand-up comedian Delisa Tripanda, and I've been to lots of festivals. I've done the Cape Town Festival, the Melbourne Festival, the Just for Laughs Festival, and many others. But this is the first festival that I am organizing. At my festival today, I'll be speaking to my favorite comedians, Scott Bennett, Kate Lucas, Russell Cain and Athena Kublin. No, no, no, don't be alarmed. That's part of it. This is the very first festival of protest. Twelve days of demonstrations. Thousands gabbing.

Families, children. Largely peaceful. Protecting statues. Winston Churchill, Nelson Mandela and the others. Bottles, smoke grenades and flares. Racist thuggery. I used to go to protests a lot when I was younger. I was full of passion and I believed I could change the world. Now I'm older and I just... It's sort of the same way that when I'm online, if I come across somebody being racist,

back when I was in my 20s, I would argue with them for hours, trying to convince them out of their ignorance. Now I'm 40, I just look at them and say, just be wrong. Just be wrong. I can't be bothered. The first protest I took part in was actually the protest which brought down Dr. Kamuzu Banda, the Malawian dictator. And I was a little kid. I didn't know what was going on. dictator and I was a little kid. I didn't know what was going on. Like my family took me along and there's tear gas and there's people chanting and I'm just there like, when are we going to the cinema? Shortly after the protest, he was forced to abdicate. He was torn down and I think it's given me a false sense of how successful protests can be. Because from then on, I always expected

total success. So when it was the Iraq war one, I was so disappointed. I was like, wait, it didn't make a difference? Which is why I have organized a way that everybody, every one of you listening can protest from home. That's what you're listening to. The audio festival of protest. Everyone is here protesting away in their tents. There's a free Palestine tent. There's a free the nipple tent. Wait, what's that? Is it free Nelson Mandela tent? Wasn't he free? I'm not here to judge. Every perspective is represented. You can protest as many issues as you like in the half an hour you're listening to this. Now, I'm going to walk around the festival and I'm going to tell you how you get your protest on from home.

When I mention a cause you agree with, just nod vigorously. Throw a fist up if appropriate. Fist up! So all you need to do, there's not even a need to sign a petition or make your Facebook profile a black square or a rainbow. For the full experience of the protest festival, spray some vinegar in your eye to simulate tear gas and then you can run into your shower fully closed to get that one-of-a-kind water cannon feeling. And then you can boast to all your dinner party friends that you just took part in a protest so what's the first tent i'm gonna go into what's the for okay huh first tent i've come to believe women on this oh must be the me too tent i i think i'm welcome in this tent as far as i know i'm not ashamed of any of my past oh that's athena i see someone I know. Athena!

Is that Athena Kublenu? Delisa, hello. Yes. How are you? What are you doing here? I didn't know you cared about stuff. Wow. I wanted to protest.

Why? Didn't you get your passport then? Was that it? I gotta tell you, I actually didn't even know I could get so caught up. Like when the Black Lives Matter protests started in America, I didn't know you could get so caught up. Like when the Black Lives Matter protests started in America, I didn't know you could binge watch a hashtag. Right. I watched every person commenting. I got totally consumed and obsessed with it. Absolutely. It was like Dallas. It was brilliant. Then you remembered that it was about you and your right to be alive. Then it stopped

being brilliant. But other than that, that it was great every morning i ran down my stairs and checked my letterbox and i thought they'd be like money gold or reparations or something we didn't get anything the revolution is not here i was asked to come on lots of television shows i was like great what i'm gonna be paid they're like oh no we're not gonna pay you and i'm like wait you want to mark this moment by exploiting me? It's like they remembered we were slaves. That's what it was. They're like, oh, yeah, we've got these guys that work for free,

like, quite willingly. And they've forgotten that that's the bad part. Like, we don't do that anymore. But despite what we're saying, how come you're in the Me Too tent and not the Black Lives Matter tent? Honestly, our back winners. And Black Lives Matter, that's about 500 years and not a lot of progress. Me too, got someone in jail within two years, mate. Sorry.

I know which tent I'm going into. And also Black Lives Matter just seems a bit obvious. Like if I'm going to make the effort to leave my house, I'm going to protest something that isn't as obvious as like I am allowed to be alive. I feel a bit silly walking around saying my life matters. Like I'll tell you, I'll give you an example. I've got, like, an Indian mum, right? So when I was born, she gave birth to, you know, children who are black because I'm half African. And I don't think the doctor was like,

oh, dear, you've got one that doesn't matter. Like, they were ecstatic because that's just how it is. Nobody can give me that right to be alive. To ask for it seems a bit disparaging. But Me Too, there's something to fight for there. Because Me Too isn't women's lives matter. Like they know that already. But what they're saying is, I am a victim of your oppression, which I can get with. Now that we're here, surrounded by a buffet of protest, what tents have you visited? I've visited loads of tents. There's a tent that's, I don't know if you've seen this,

but it's about people who walk slowly, even though they're able to walk faster. This is a very important thing. There's a tent for that. People who walk slowly, who don't need to walk slowly. I'm coming for you. And I'm just going to give you a little prod. And that's what I do with my placard. I just prod people.

And what's written on your placard? Get out of the way. Get out of the way. But it's written on the back of my placard. So when I overtake them. Brilliant. What else? There's loads. Yes. There them brilliant what else there's loads yes there's also a tent that's about meat that's made of like vegetables which I think is a disgrace

because I'm very much against meat eaters like this is what meat eaters do they get chickens they munch them up into pulp and they remold them into the shape of chicken drumsticks just eat the drumstick why can't you you just admit you just killed an animal? Why have you got to mash it up and put it back together again? Me is a really weird deluso. Now, my question is this also. You know, like, a few years ago, there was the first Me Too movement. And now it's sort of back. There's another one.

And my question is, what would be a win? What is the change that would be a win? Basically, I think a congestion charge for men. You know, if it cost men £10 to leave their houses every day, men, would you vote? No, we'd probably have a better government. I think you're right that money is where it is, actually, because what if we monetised hate, right?

You know all these people who want to yell the N-word? There should be a charge, a certificate which you get, like an N-word pass, or if you want to say something anti-Semitic or something sexist, you have to pay for it and the money goes to the community which you just insult. That's amazing. I've always thought it's really funny that people who aren't black want to say the n-word and like they think we would let them do it. Would I give Fred West a shovel? Are you mad? Why would I do that? Why would I let you say west a shovel are you mad why would i do that do you know why would i let you say that word do you know what you've done to me with that word that's our word now the way that they say well if they can say it we should say it that's equality

and that was the problem you were saying it for like 500 years and you were awful with it like we let you say it for ages and it was like you weren't going, hey, friend, how are you? You were, like, hanging us from trees and saying it. So I think we're going to just keep it to ourselves for now. They've lost their N-word rights. You just let us have that little word, enjoy your freedom from it, and then when we trust you again,

we might let David Beckham say it, like, once. Yes. Every festival I go to, I get a memento. Like, you know, Edinburgh Festival, I've got a hoodie. Are you getting any memorabilia from this protest festival? Yeah, because we're in the Me Too tent, I'm looking for guys and I'm cutting off one of their ears and I'm making a little ear necklace.

No, that's not true. Just a little trophy. That's obviously not what I'm doing. It's just an idea. I pitched it at the Me Too meeting and they said they'd park it for next year. Well, so good running into you. So good talking to you.

Enjoy the rest of the festival. And are you staying over in a tent or are you heading home? I don't camp. I went to the tent to protest against tents, actually. It's literally the worst thing you can do with your time. It's been so good running into you. Enjoy the rest of the festival.

Bye, Athena. Thank you. And you've got both your ears, so you're welcome. Thank you. As well as tents, we've got lots of merchandise stalls, lots of food stalls. Let me just have a chat with some of the vendors. Hey.

All right, Dallas O. So what are you selling here? My name's Gary, and I'm making badges. Badges. A lot of us, we come from backgrounds where we want to make a difference, but we've still got to hang out with our mates. So it makes sense for the badges to be adjustable. Take the Black Lives Matter badge, for example.

Very often, I'll be bumping into mates of mine who are also a bit lefty but thick. So you can heat it up and the word 2 appears. T-double-O, Black Lives Matter 2, which immediately gets rid of all that ambiguity. Or you can reverse it and on the back, All Lives Matter. Do you know what I mean? And that's actually got an exclamation point at the end as well.

And you can scan that and you get discount on gammon when you go into the All Lives Matter. Do you know what I mean? Yes. And that's actually got an exclamation point at the end as well. And you can scan that and you get discount on gammon when you go into the All Lives Matter tent. Also, if you're getting a bit of aggro, say someone's coming up to you, like they've got a mask on, they're trying to get their opinion, you can actually use the sharp bit of the badge just to jerk them in the face. You can make a shank out of it.

Thank you, thank you. I'll have one of the badges. Sorry I don't serve people like you, sorry mate. Thank you, thank you. I'll have one of the badges. Sorry, I don't serve people like you, certainly. Scott! Scott Bennett! Hey, is that you? It's me.

Hey! Hi, Deliso. Oh, I'm glad it was you. Because otherwise I'd be saying, white people all look alike. How you doing? This is my first festival in years. I love it. It's like an angry Glastonbury. My fellow comedian,

you've been spending the entire lockdown doing comedy from your shed. Yes. What brings you here? Having walked round this and seen the anger and rifts in the world, I think I'm ready to go back in the shed. No, because I've come with my daughter. She's made me come, so this is meant to be a weekend of bonding.

And what tents are you going to at the festival? I've been in the climate change tent. I'm glad I wore my shorts. It's a bit humid in there. There's a weird tent over there. I mean, you can smell it from here, the dirty protest tent. And why did you pick the climate change tent? Guilt, really.

I've got two kids. I know I should be worried about the environment. We're approaching the point of no return. Their whole future is at stake. But the problem is, mate, I've had a lot on. I know the planet is dying, but my dishwasher's broken, and it's hard to be passionate about climate change when you're the one doing the washing up.

Have you been to any of the other protests which happened this summer? I haven't, actually. I'm homeschooling and I've got a broken dishwasher. Not even Black Lives Matter. This is your black friend asking. I know this is a thing. I know I should have. That is the one I wanted to go to.

But we had phonics that morning. And nobody would have known you were there. Because all of the protests this summer have been masked. I should have said I was there. The one I didn't go to, but I wanted to go to just to laugh at them, is the anti-mask protesters. In Sheffield, 12 people showed up. 12 people! That is not a protest, is it? That is like

a walking tour. Yes, exactly. The only issue I have with masks is that I don't look good in one. You know, some people look menacing, Delisa. They look like bandits. You know, I look like I've walked through a washing line and taken someone's pants with me. That's what...

I can't go shopping in the co-op dressed like that. I've walked through a washing line and taken someone's pants with me. That's what... I can't go shopping in the co-op dressed like that. I must admit, I have had a... It's amazing how many people are angry about things, isn't it? I got into an argument when there was a Black Lives Matter protest in Manchester. Someone ended up yelling at me because there were lots of people at the festival and all I could hear was... I couldn't hear what they were saying. So I wasn't clapping.

Someone near me was like, why aren't you clapping? I'm not going to clap unless I know exactly what he's saying. And they're like, don't you believe that Black Lives Matter? And I'm like, I'm black, but I'm not going to clap because he could be saying anything. Black Lives Matter, but then so does a decent PA. Exactly. I don't know if you're aware of this, but Martin Luther King's speech on YouTube has got about 9 million hits. Right.

My daughter was watching an unboxing video of a child in America unwrapping a My Little Pony toy. That video had 45 million views. Oh, no. So Martin Luther King was right, but I have a dream. Yeah, but it didn't involve unwrapping plastic landfill, did it? That's the thing. If he had done, he might have got his message further. I've also got to say, I'm impressed you brought your daughter. I think she's educating me.

You've got to learn from your children. She said to me that soon we're going to have to eat insects in the future, which she's quite right. I think we are. At dinner time, it's going to be like a Bush took a trial on I'm a celebrity. I've got to tell you, I don't think they're ever letting go of meat. Like, I am too dedicated to meat. If they ban it, I'm going to find a dealer and I'll be calling them late at night and be like, hey, can I get two steaks? Can I get two steaks? And I'll meet them in some alley. I don't care if it's off-meat. I'm not switching. I'd love it if you

opened his trench coat and there was just sausages just in there. Gotta go anyway, Deliso. That's my daughter up there. She's with the Fathers for Justice lot. Look, you see that? There's Spider-Man, there's Batman, there's a man dressed as a banana. I think he was last to the fancy dress shop.

Maybe you put some more effort in, you'd see your kids. No, you can't say that. But, um... Well, bye, Scott. See you later. Yeah, see you. See you. Bye-bye. Daddy, come on.

It's time to go. What other tents are there? Hello. Kate, Lucas. Oh, Kate. Hey, I haven't seen you in years! Oh poor you! What are you doing at this festival? I'm here performing in the cancel culture tent today so I'm singing a little song for everybody. I actually am always worried because I know

one joke which I did many years ago which could get me cancelled and it's waiting like a mine and I just know it's there and every day I'm like have they discovered it yet? Everybody's got one of those. And then also you can't delete it can you because you're like if if I delete it there'll be evidence I tried to scrub it. It's so worrying. Everything on the internet always exists. But not the things you deleted by accident. They've gone into the ether. They're gone. If you've written a script, you will never track it down. But if you were racist once when you were drunk, it's there. And have you just been in the cancel culture tent or have you checked out any of the other tents? I've checked out the pro-choice tent. There was a woman trying to

return her baby with a birth certificate as a receipt. It's been great catching up, but I'm keeping you. You're about to go on stage. I'm going to sit back and enjoy it. Thank you. I'm Tiff and I'm well to do, y'all.

I know I may seem privileged to you, y'all. But I just think if chaps worked hard at school, y'all, then they could run their own businesses too, y'all. Like me, I know I'm quite young. But I've got this fashion jewellery blog that I run. And I built every bit of it from day one With just 500,000 from my trust fund Oh, but thank God for people like me

Oh, where would society be? These chaps all want something for free Cos everyone's spoiled but me Yes, hi! My name is Lou, yeah I've been uptight since 2002, yeah And when I march, I march harder than you, yeah I'm much, much, much more feminist than you, yeah I read and I've harder than you, yeah. I'm much, much, much more feminist than you, yeah.

I read and I've read the books, yeah. I exercise my right to fight the male stare. I fight so you can choose the things that you wear. Now let me tell you how to wear your pube hair. Oh, but thank God for people like me. Oh, where would you weak women be? Thank God I stand out for the meek. Cause everyone's pushy but me. I'm Trish and I'm just disgusted My son can't get a job because of Muslims Am I the only one out here uncovering The anti-white conspiracy of budgins? This town's gone for a burden It's all because of immigrants I'm certain

It's only since they came my life has worsened I used to be a very sunny person Oh, well, thank God for people like me Oh, where would our great country be? Thank goodness for people like me Because everyone else refuses to blend in but me. My name's Kate Lucas and I just came on Demanding a mic to sing you a song About how these platforms have made us believe

It's our place to judge like we're all squeaky clean Now that I'm finished I'm sure you'll agree. Everyone's evil but me. Oh, what's this tent? This wasn't on my map. This is a weird tent. Threadbare on one end and really plush and opulent on the other. Social mobility tent.

Let's check this out. Let's check this out. Okay. I'm over here, Deliso. Oh, there's Russell Kane. Deliso. Hey, Russell. How are you doing?

Can you turn the music down, please? Sorry, I'm chatting to Deliso here. What are you drinking? It's Sambuca. You light it and you blow the flame out. You can drink it lit and then you look like a dragon. Brilliant. It's like a homemade Molotov cocktail kind of thing.

So what are you here for? What's this tent about? This is the social mobility tent. We've got three distinct areas. It looks like you can dance in the three different music areas, but you can't. There's actually a thin glass sheet. You can't actually get through to the third tent unless you've bought a ticket at birth to get entry.

So social mobility tent. So can I change my life by being in this tent? You used to be able to. I mean, one of the sad facts is... So you've got to be careful when you say what I'm about to say, but sod it, we're at a festival, I've had a drink, I'm going to say it anyway. If we were to get into a time machine and go to the 1960s,

the romantic part of me likes to think that people of colour, whilst they would be disappointed, they would enjoy the fact that some significant gains have been made. The same with the females of the 1960s. They might be a little bit disappointed that we don't have equal pay, but they might be slightly gratified

that men now have eating disorders and are totally body conscious as well. So there has been some sort of equality there. Were you to get in my social mobility time machine and go to the festival of 66 social mobility Woodstock, we have gone backwards. If you are born in a tower block at the bottom of the food chain now, poor, you are less likely to claw out of that tower block demographically,

sociologically speaking, than you were 40 or 50 years ago. That is depressing. That is depressing. Would you like a shot? I think I had experienced a cultural exchange rate, which I didn't even know exists in terms of class, because in Malawi, we are upper class because my dad's in the government and then I moved to the UK and that income I am now lower middle class. And the other thing that I have no idea whether it happens in African countries as strongly I'm guessing you would have to get on an aeroplane to have this effect. Accent massively dictates how you're perceived. People make a value judgment, of course, on the way you look and what gender you are and what race you are. We know that.

But let's not ignore how important how you sound is. And as soon as someone like me attempts to say anything intellectual or a bit ornate, we are judged as showing off. Chav has learned that and he's showing off. Whereas if I burst into a pub with a Miles Jupp voice and go, excuse me, the patrons are being rather obstreperous, I would be admired. If I went, oh, Gary, stop being obstreperous. Where you learn that from? Numpty.

Just say loud. Well, I've actually got to admit that when I moved to Canada, I had a thick African accent and I was ashamed of my accent. Even though there's nothing wrong with it, I knew that it made people think that I was dumb. So I tried so hard and now I've got this weird mishmash of an accent. But I don't sound like any Malawian you'll ever meet. I just assumed that was a Malawian accent. I just thought it was it.

I work for this damn voice. assumed that was a Malawian accent. I just thought it was it. I work for this damn voice. If you listen to a British accent, it mostly adds up in the weirdest way possible. A posh accent is tight, closed. Working class accent, like a London accent, open. Everything opened. Vows are open. The end of the word's open. The school gates are open. I'm going to run through it. I won't finish school. And a posh accent, closed, everything closed, you don't know me, I don't know you, clean my house, go back to Poland, close the door. Whereas when you throw money on a working class area, Essex, where I'm from, is a brilliant Petri dish example,

you end up with my accent. I'd retain the moronic, working class, stretched, lazy, undisciplined vow with a clipped camp precision of the posh person at the end, meaning I sound like a total idiot but with absolute clarity. I've realised that I get a more positive... So if I meet somebody who's clearly a bit racist, they respond better because I don't talk black, whatever that means.

I don't sound like they expect a black person to. So they're like, oh, you're a slightly different one. It's very, you can feel it tangibly. There is a class association with African accents in this country that seems to follow the same sort of judgment. The looser an accent, people feel the looser the education, the less discipline you've had, the less money you've had. We tie the two together and class is where this really shows.

How has class prejudice been showing itself during the coronavirus? It was really interesting. When people started filling the beaches, I went online and was like, oh my God, I cannot believe what Gary and Donna have done. Coronavirus can't get me. And I made a joke. And you get the usual, what about Black Lives Matter?

I don't think a suntan sort of sits up there as morally equal to racial justice, but we'll leave that one aside. I got some stick. Honestly, Russell, how dare you mock the people? Hold the people that make the rules to account. Firstly, you can hold the elites that run society to account and bellends at the bottom. To suggest that my best mates Lee, Dan and Kev

are just lumps of working class meat obeying their impulses and they don't have the cognitive ability to assess the risk is the worst form of middle class prejudice I've heard and it was done in such a well-meaning way. You know Lee and Dan don't know what they're doing. Look at them the poor beasts. Why blame them? Because they're being idiots and need to be called out. That's called equality. And do you think these protests actually make a difference? I'm very cautious about saying class is the problem, not race. I mean, I know we're having a festival of experiments here, different tents,

but the reality is there are toxic tunnels between the tents and we are all interlinked and the fight would be won twice as hard if people who come from Buggerall realised how much they had in common with people who have just arrived in this country. Anyone whose voice is turned down quieter and smaller by accident of their birth, you have a lot in common with another person whose voice is turned down by accident of their birth. If we just realised that,

everyone with quieter voices could get their voices turned up instead of going, oh, I don't know, feminism is the problem, or no, how dare you suggest being working class is the problem, being of colour is the problem. They're, of course, all linked.

I feel enthused. I'm carrying a placard now. Yes. All right, I'm going to go over this. There's something over by the Ferris wheel. You just put a pound in. It's called an echo chamber. You shout into it

and your own opinion comes back at you. They're brilliant. See you later. See ya. So the one thing you notice looking at all these protests, one of the good things is it makes people want to change their behaviour. It makes people want to be better. Only problem is people don't necessarily know what to do.

And whenever there's a big global movement against racism or against some other kind of prejudice, everybody scrambles to do something. And then it becomes about removing scenes from faulty towers or taking blackface scenes out of television. Say that that scene is problematic and feel like you struck a blow against systemic racism. I don't like some of those scenes either, but if we're really trying to respond to racial disparity, it might be more a matter of looking at government budgets, school curriculums, judicial policies, salary equity. Sort out those things and you can paint your face whatever color you like. Thank you for listening. That was my summer comedy festival of protest.

Oh, who's that? What? Some people have broken through. Down with festivals? We're being protested? What? Hey, guys, hey, hey, we're on your side. This is, we can give you a tent.

Look, we are on, ah, ah, ah, don't hit me with that placard. Okay, this, this was the summer comedy festival of protest, hosted by me, Deliso... Ah! Chaponda! Hey, get off me! Get off me! It featured Athena Kublenu! Ah!

Scott Bennett, Kate Lucas, and Russell Kane! It was produced by Carl Cooper Cooper and it was a BBC Studios production. Ah! Gary Lineker here. The Match of the Day Top 10 Podcast is back with me and Jermaine Genis. This time we'll be chatting to some huge

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