Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Summer Comedy Festival - Darren Harriott

Episode Date: August 28, 2020

Darren Harriott curates his ideal festival: a magical carnival of surprise called The Festival of the Unexpected. Featuring trombonists, acrobats, wrestling and opera, it's a whimsical journey through Darren's favourite things with his favourite people. Also, there are vampires.This episode features Faye Treacy, Aaron Twitchen, Rob Halden and Alice Ruxandra Bell, with writing by Natasha Mwansa and Kemah Bob. Piano accompaniment was provided by Alex Beetschen.The producer was Ella Watts, and the production co-ordinator was Caroline Barlow. Sound design is by Chris Maclean. This is a BBC Studios production.

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Power Out. The End Hello there, my name is Darren Harriot. The good folks at Radio 4 asked me to host my very own festival and said I can do whatever I want. And I said, can you afford surprises? Because I love festivals where I have no idea what I'm going to see, who I'm going to meet, where I'm going to be. no idea what I'm gonna say, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna be. Well, where I'm gonna be is technically in my flat with a broken fan. But still, I told them being surprised is one of the best parts of being a Lion. So how about you surprise me? I love surprise parties. Then again,

I think I just love parties. I'm always the guy who's front of the line on any conga that's a true captain's role you get the respect there so now I'm uh I'm in a field heading towards this mysterious festival where I have no idea what I'm going to see or who I'll be meeting or what I just stepped on. Oh, no. All I know is it's all very exciting. It is. I had a jumbo apple-flavored Lucozade earlier, which I'm sure is definitely helping me get more hype.

But, you know, you got to be prepared. I've worked at more festivals than I have attended back in my security days. Being a security guard at a festival, it's got to be prepared. I've worked at more festivals than I have attended back in my security days. Being a security guard at a festival, it's a very odd job. It can be anything from working the pit at a music festival, helping crowd surfers get down safely, breaking up random fights. Sometimes it's just going around and handing out sunblock to white people.

You've got to do it. What is that trying to park? Who comes to a festival in a dish-shaped aircraft? Aliens? Is it aliens? Wow. It's got to be. It's a UFO.

I'm watching a UFO parallel park. This is great. I'll tell you one thing I always hated back in my security guard days. Working car parks at festivals. It's the most boring part. You're just directing people into parking spots. People who already know how to park. Tell you one of the best parts about working car parks.

You were always really close to the staff lunchroom. So you didn't have to go far to eat. Ha! It swings and roundabouts sometimes, literally. Okay, I'm close. And right in front of me is a huge billboard that says, Welcome to the Festival of the Unexpected, a place where anything can happen. That sounds really fun. That actually sounds better than Disney. And to be fair, anything can happen That sounds really fun That actually sounds better than Disney

And to be fair, anything can happen in 2020 I still can't believe Liverpool won the Premier League I'm waiting in the queue It's actually a nice queue That's the most English thing I could ever say It's a very nice queue There's lots of people thing I could ever say Oh, it's a very nice cube There's lots of people waiting in line

I say people I can see a few ghosts up ahead At least they're waiting in line There's a woman near me holding her own head Which is a bit creepy Oh, oh, I think she heard me Her head's giving me right evils There, uh, ooh, there. Her head's giving me right evils.

There, uh... Ooh, there looks like there's a few witches above. They're actually waiting in line. That's nice to see, but... Surely those broomsticks should be in their own parking area. I must say, we are moving quite quickly. I'm going to be in this festival in no time. Whoever's doing the security and checking the bags... Get a thumbs up from me.

Wait, Faye? Dudes! Darren! Faye Tracy? What are you doing here? Well, we've all had to get other jobs, haven't we? We're not as successful as you. Like, my euphonium mate, they're now working in Sainsbury's. My other comedian used to do ballet dancing in an Amazon warehouse. And now I'm, you know, the UK's only trombone-playing comedian.

Security guard. Wait a second. So, you've brought your trombone with you today? Here? Well, yeah. It was just in case. You know what I mean? Some of the bands, they need a spare player. I'm just always prepared. I'm always prepared. I don't... Look, I don't know much about this festival.

I do know that it is very unexpected and mysterious. You know, I'm learning this. I just can't see how there will ever be a time when somebody will go, Hey, we need a trombonist! And I'll be like, I'm here! Done. Wow. I mean, that was probably the only time a trombone would actually ever be perfect for a moment. Can you give us a little rendition of something?

I mean, I know you've got a job to do. I understand you are busy. But, you know, they're fine. They can wait. Cool. Well, I hear the specials are playing, so this is for my dad. No, that was good. Look, everybody in the queue was kind of nutting their heads a little bit. Oh, get the lighters out. I always knew vampires smoked. You know what I was thinking, right?

Obviously, I love comedy, right? You're a comedian. You're just like me, you know? I used to be a security guard and comedian. I would have loved to have performed at one of these festivals. I would have loved to. And now, I'm thinking, how about you do a set? I'm going to give you an intro. Ladies and gentlemen, ghouls, the supernatural,

werewolves, grumpy, gives a smile. Guys, never smiles this one. I'm introducing to you a very funny comedian, security guard, trombonist and Sam Smith dater. Please give it up for Faye! Hello, Wembley! How is everyone doing? You well? Don't worry, I'll get you inside in just a sec. But now it's my time. So, hi, I'm Faye.

I didn't always work in security. Before Corona, I was a comedy trombonist. You know, I'm like one of those cab drivers who used to be doctors. So I've always dated jazz musicians, right? Because he needs a pension. And when I was 23, I was living in Florida and was dating this drummer who had really long hair. He's called Sam. Like, drummers are really sexy, right?

Great backs. You know what I mean. She does. Vampire over there with a bloody Mary. Not all about the necks, is it? So, he proposed to me at the age of 23 in a sports bar right after some chicken wings. And I was like, I know I'm from Croydon,

but I should expect better. So, I turned him down and came back to London. But, like, he's always been my what-if dude. So, last summer, six years later, I get an email from Sam out of the blue. And after an exchange and a face sign to check, he still had that back in hair. Sorry, I didn't mean to look at your hairline there, Darren.

I agreed, as he was single and I was single, to fly out to New York to see if, like, there was anything still there. I don't mean politically. mean between us but then right I got absolute radio silence for the next two weeks from Sam before I was due to fly and like he's not on any of the socials so I couldn't do like the normal girly thing and stalk him relentlessly or turn up at his window at night so I got on the plane anyway and since I was a little bit nervous as I'd not heard anything from him, I did the only sensible thing, and I got on the wine.

Like, I got on all the wine. I was sat next to this Australian lady who was, like, really lovely on the flight, except for her flip-flops and her racism. Anyway, we got talking, and I got explaining the whole Sam thing to her, and she explained to me that just because Sam isn't on Insta doesn't mean his mum, dad, sister, brother, friends and colleagues aren't genius. So we went on his yoga influencers sister's Instagram.

photos taken at his engagement party that Sam is not in fact single and the fiancée in question not as ugly as I'd hoped and much more pregnant than I'd like so I drink more wine and land in New York absolutely hammered in what I can only be described as the Brutal Broadway and like if you've ever been to JFK airport it's like you're kettled in right it takes forever and after four hours of queuing i reach passport control and i'm absolutely drooling and the security guard says to me matt i've got to ask you a few questions are you here to stay with a mr sam smith and i said not anymore and he said well where are you gonna stay and i said i don't know but I promise I'll leave and he said what do you do and I said I'm a comedy trombonist and he said well ma'am you can just come right and through as you're clearly not

going to take anyone's job I know I'm by a security guard but look at me now head of security a member of an online zoom orchestra with a loyal audience of five. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I can tell you all enjoyed that, even though you had no choice in the matter. Okay. What a start. I mean, yeah, some people will say, you know, that I was disturbing someone at work, but then again, it seems like she wanted any excuse to not do any work. And I can relate to that look one time on a security shift there was one of those vans i asked you to give blood

and i decided to donate lots of blood just because it got me an extra hour off work what i'm saying is i'll do anything to not have to work i think oh the vampires are looking at me weird after i said give blood. Don't be joking. Don't be joking, chaps. All right. I'm inside the circus tent, finally. It's very busy. Lots of colourful characters.

Some human, some I don't even know the name of. Oh. A witch just walked past, eating her ice cream. Well, that's a first. It's nice to know witches enjoy ice creams, you know? Wait, they're selling roasted pigtails? The hairstyle? I don't know if that's more or less disgusting than what I thought. I mean, can't hurt to try. Is that a vampire glee club? Oh, uh, hey, those werewolves are in here. I'm gonna go chat to them. Hey, uh, hey, I saw you guys earlier climbing over the fence.

Ha! Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. How dare you! We're not werewolves, we're huskies, dogs. That's very offensive, my dear boy. Oh, sorry. You guys just all look a lot... Ignore me. I'm going to go now. Enjoy your evening. Phew. That was close. You almost blew our cover. Stop that, or else we will get kicked out. That's better. or else we will get kicked out.

That's better. Okay, so I said to Radio 4 to surprise me, and there was a security guard earlier who's Faye, who I know from the comedy circuit, and then they said, oh, you know, there's going to be a sort of circus comedy performer, and it's... Darren! Wait, you're Aaron the Fantastic?

I'm surprised that you didn't already know this. Well, no, I mean, yeah, you always used to call yourself fantastic back on the comedy circuit, but I had no idea you'd left and you're now working with live animals. I've not left, Aaron. I'm straddling the two worlds. I mean, why would you do that? Why? Why not? I'm doubling my potential audience. People love comedy. they love you've

been framed they love seeing things go wrong why not give them the thought that it could all go wrong it's not gonna I'm fantastic what got you into circus was there something you saw as a kid and you were like you know what I want to do that and and then you saw maybe me do comedy and you thought to yourself well I should probably do do do comedy the laughter it's kind of hurtful I thought you were gonna say you saw me do comedy and thought oh to yourself, well, I should probably do comedy. The laughter is kind of hurtful. I thought you were going to say you saw me do comedy and thought, oh, Aaron, you're not going to be as good as this. Give it up now. Oh, I prefer that one. That's better.

Yeah, right. I like that one. I'm writing it down. You can have that. I never really saw circus and was like, oh, I could totally do that. That would be a thing. Like never. When I was, I grew up in Devon, remember?

Like we didn't have a lot down in Devon. I do remember the pink Power Ranger being boss-ass and thinking, oh, God, I'd love to do gymnastics and wear pink leotards. Not that I'm not enjoying this, Darren, but I've kind of got a show to do. Oh, yeah, well, I mean, you wouldn't be dressed like that if you didn't have a... Well, actually, then again, you'd probably go to WH Smith

dressed like that. I mean, what's your excuse for the fringed jacket that you've got on? Oh, because you're at a fringe. I get it. Well, I mean, yes, that's exactly what I was. And that didn't hurt me at all. You're going to come see the show, right? Yeah.

If there's a seat for me, I can. Darren, for you, I'm going to give you the front row VIP experience. Oh, come on. Really? Ha ha. Oh, great. Front row! Front row! I'm a VIP. Great, thank you so much for having me. This is very exciting to be in this circus tent full of lots of funny-looking people.

It's just like being at one of my family dinners so that's always exciting. Don't worry animals are no longer harmed in this circus. The elephant is actually riding me. People do say to me they wonder like why do you stand up in circus Aaron? Like they just don't seem to fit together well. Then I say, if Jennifer Lopez can sing and pole dance at the same time, then I can joke and hang by my feet. This, this is my Super Bowl moment.

I want to be the J-Lo of comedy. Because, you know, like J-Lo, my talent is an illusion. And it was really easy getting into circus.

Like, people are always like, ah, how did you do it? It was just as simple as I watched every movie J-Lo was in and I copied all the jobs she'd done.

So, you know, stripper, maid, teacher, white woman. So this is a circus and stand-up show at the same time. You know when you watch like big circus shows like Cirque du Soleil or Moscow State, they make it seem like something could go wrong, but you know it won't, because they're professionals. This is not like that. If you think it's gone wrong, cut me down.

I've got so much to live for. I'm only halfway through season two of Dead to Me. Circus and comedy together, I think, makes me super unique. Different. Like, I'm special. I'm like a unicorn, because I'm rare and people want to ride me okay so it is time for my big finale so let me just clamber on top of the elephant who was really enjoying riding me let's charge this elephant oh okay actually these are a lot bigger than i thought i thought it'd be like a dog. Okay, does anyone have like a rein or, what, okay, I can't, guys,

I just can't get that child out of the way. Oh my God, oh, Darren, Darren, Darren, help, distract it with your fringe jacket or something. You know like those Spanish people do with the balls. Darren, oh, oh, run to get help, run to, you're not running to get, Darren, come back, don't run away, you coward. Okay, well, didn't go as planned, but I was perfect!

I have been the fantastic Aaron! Refunds not available at the front! I'm out of there! Excuse me! Wait, I appear to have walked in on what looks like a... An actual wrestling match! Ah, yes! Ah, this is so cool. Why didn't I come here first? Instead, I almost got crushed by an elephant.

Ah. I think the next chat is going to be my favourite. I grew up a massive wrestling fan. You know, I had posters all over my wall as a kid of Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, The Undertaker, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Ah, okay, yeah, they weren't wrestlers, but still cool.

This is my ideal festival. It is. I mean, a wrestling ring, wrestling matches happening. Oh, just take my money already. Oh, I can see the commentator booth. I might go in there. I haven't been there before. I've never sat in the commentator booth. Eh? I might go in there. I haven't been in there before. I've never sat in a commentator booth, you know?

Oh, there's somebody in there. He's wearing a cowboy hat and a moustache that won't quit. Eh? Is that one eyebrow? Wow, that's a serious eyebrow he's got there. I like that. It's formed like a hairy bridge above his eyes. He looks serious.

I'm going to go in there. Rob Haldon, you're the commentator. Darren, how are you, mate? I didn't think I was going to see you. I know this is your festival, but there's so many things going on. I wasn't sure if I was going to see you at all. Well, I can't believe I haven't seen you in ages. Back when you used to do all the backyard wrestling,

which was literally wrestling in people's yards, whether they wanted you to or not. So it's nice to see you. Mate, it's great. I've ditched the physicality and I'm now sitting behind the desk on the ones and the twos with the cans and the mic

calling the action. Yeah, this is... Honestly, I've just met Aaron at the circus. I had no idea he was a circus and a comedian and I met Faye, who's a security guard and a comedian and now I'm meeting you. And you're now a commentator for wrestling.

It's absolutely amazing. This is my ideal festival. I love your mustache and I love your eyebrows too. It's all really working for you. I'd like to balance the top half of my face with the lower half of my face and to have like an equality when it comes to facial hair. Oh, look at us. Darren and rowdy rob howden together again oh this is gonna be great who'd have thought it strap yourself in put those headphones on mate you've not seen anything like

this before all right folks i'm rowdy rob and we are about to get rowdy! This match is quite literally off to a roaring start with the heavyweight champion Bigfoot, yes Bigfoot, back to reclaim his title. In the ring also battling for the belts we have none other than the wrestling world's number one super villain, the male ego. That's right the male ego is here and he is out for blood. The last time a problematic social construct took home the title was way back in 2015 when gentrification came out victorious in its landmark fight against the fictional book series Twilight. She completely dominated that fight turning poor Twilight into normal people by the end of the bout. Totally unrecognizable. But here we are witnessing the biggest fight

since Rocky versus Balboa. The biggest fight since the time Jamie Oliver took on Jirt Rice. The male ego up to his usual antics peac peacocking around the ring, climbing up on the ropes now. And I don't think Bigfoot knows what's coming. Here it is. Don't try this at home, folks. Oh, wow. Well, actually, to be fair, that was pretty impressive. I actually wouldn't blame you for having a crack at that.

Looks like Bigfoot is out for the count because here comes the ref. It's times like these when he could probably have done with teaming up with Chewbacca or maybe even the Loch Ness Monster, but Bigfoot's never been much of a team player and that is his fatal flaw. Wait, hang on. What is this? The male ego is dancing? Bigfoot looks confused and I don't blame him. The male ego is dancing. Bigfoot looks confused, and I don't blame him. The male ego is beating his chest. Now there's a lot of head bobbing while holding an imaginary pint.

A bit of gurney, too. Yeah, as if the DJ's just dropped a sick beat. I tell you what, if that wrestling ring were a private booth in a sticky Soho nightclub, this guy would definitely be the idiot spending a thousand quid on a bottle of vodka for his useless mates. Yes, this is the male ego at the height of his peacocking. Everyone is jeering, but still he continues dancing.

I don't think he's quite read the room here. He's got his back to the Bigfoot now, and something tells me he's going to regret that. Yes. Yes, here we go. Bigfoot's gone and done a flying kick. And the male ego is laid out flat on the mats. Bigfoot climbing the top rope.

He's about to jump off and do his finisher. The Bigfoot Prince. Oh, there's no way the male ego is coming back from this one that was strong enough to dismantle the patriarchy stick around for the next match it's going to be a good one folks you're going to love this Darren

the tooth fairy is getting in the ring with Leonardo DiCaprio's one and only Oscar wow that sounds really, really good. I'd love to see Leonardo DiCaprio's one Oscar fight. That's got to be a strong Oscar. He's wanted that for ages. But, Rob, I actually can't stay. I mean, I'm definitely coming back.

Warm that seat for me. I'll be back. But I've got to run around and check out the rest of this festival. I'll see you in a bit, buddy. Be safe and keep that m you in a bit, buddy. Be safe and keep that moustache. Oh, whoa.

There seems to be a garlic seller chasing the vampires. Oh, he's a French garlic seller. Oh, he's got that really strong garlic. Oh, this is great. Look at them chasing the vampires. It's so nice to see vampires running from people rather than the other way around. Go get them, mate. Garlic is strong, isn't it?

It really is. Whoa. I'm in a giant dining hall. Everyone is dressed classy. Like the men are in suits with tough hats and the women all have very fancy gowns on. And you know those gloves that go right up to your elbows for some reason? They're all wearing them. Gosh I feel really underdressed here, even my fringe jacket. It's nothing compared to what these people are wearing. I need a suit. This tent just

comes with a bit of magic. I now have on a black suit. Oh I've got tails on the back. Wow I feel so special. I look amazing. And a top hat. I'm dressed the way I feel every day. Important. You know what? There's one thing missing. I wouldn't mind a monocle. Yes, I've got a monocle. I feel just like Winston Churchill. Oh, it's great. This was like the sort of place where you'd hear like classical music. And I mean, I do have a friend called Alice Bell, who's an opera singer. And I feel like this is the sort of place where she would be singing. I love opera. I've always found it very soothing and epic at the same time.

Like you can be cutting vegetables, but if opera music is playing in the background, you feel so much more skilled. Wait, Alice! Hey! Hey, Darren! You're singing at my festival? Yeah. Oh, that is absolutely amazing. Yeah, that's great. It's so good to see you. You too.

No offence, Alice. You look great in your work clothes, but aren't you going to get trained? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just about to go now, actually. Wow! Wow, you look beautiful. You're wearing, like, a big blue gown, similar to Cinderella. I think you've got the glass slippers on as well. Oh, wow! You look so ready to go and sing your heart out. This place is amazing. See you!

That was definitely not me. I have no idea who did that. That's crazy, but she thinks it was me. It's right! The lark is singing on high, the sun's a-shining the blue. The winter has driven away, and spring is returning anew. and new Who cares what sorrow may bring What storms may tear us apart No sadness can kill

The wonder and thrill of that waltz in my heart Waltz of my heart Waltz of my heart Halting and gay Calling enthrallingly Waltzing away Ring out your bells

For me ivory cares Weave out your spells for me, orchestra plays. The rust of wings thrilling the sky while your inspiring

me time hurries by. Joy fans so far in me, Soon as you start Sweeping your strings Walls of my heart The lark is singing on high, the sun's a-shining in the blue. The winter has driven away, and spring is returning anew.

And you Who cares what sorrow may bring What storms may tear us apart No sadness can kill The wonder and thrill Of that what's In my heart? with Natasha Mwanza and Kima Bopp. It featured Faye Tracy, Aaron Twitchon, Rob Haldan and Alice Ruxandra Bell, with music by Alex Beecham. The producer was Ella Watts and it was a BBC Studios production.

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