Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Summer Comedy Festival - Jayde Adams

Episode Date: August 14, 2020

Bristol stand-up comedian Jayde Adams curates her dream summer festival, welcoming some of her favourite people to her fantasy festival site. Sarah Millican is in charge of the VIP tent, Australian stand-up Rhys Nicholson is Jayde's designated driver, Glyn Fussell is the celebrity booker and Kathy Burke watches from her sofa. Showstopping headline music is provided by Le Gateau Chocolat.Producer: Hayley Sterling Production co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow Sound design: Chris MacLean A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, it's me, Greg Jenner, the bloke from that funny history podcast, You're Dead to Me. Big news, we are back, once again combining the talents of comedians and expert historians as we explore stuff like ancient Egyptian pyramids, Genghis Khan and 19th century vampire literature. Search for You're Dead to Me on the BBC Sounds app.

Hello and welcome to my festival. It's the summer! Most of us are feeling the pressures of being trapped inside of our homes, unable to enjoy what we normally would. What have you missed? Is it the Chelsea Flower Show? The Hay-on-Wye Festival? Or something slightly more reckless like Glastonbury?

Ooh, you are naughty. Well my name is Jade Adams and Radio 4 have asked me to transport you through the medium of sound to my ideal summer festival. Some people in the past have called me a renaissance woman but I'm way too humble to even mention that to you. There's more than one way to get into comedy obviously. I got into comedy by marrying people in an inflatable church at the best of all music festivals surrounded by a congregation of drag queens. My perfect festival lineup isn't exactly your typical Radio 4 panel, unless Clive Anderson secretly drags up and performs contemporary opera under the stage name Hazelnuts, in which case i take it all back this is my ideal festival so i'm not going to be putting up a tent no camping is very much the rich man's sleeping on

the floor no i'm gonna have one of those instant pop-up tents you know the ones where you just throw the bag and they sort of leap out fully formed like a pokeball for temporary accommodation oh and it's not just the camping i hate you Do you know, it can take more than an hour to walk from one boundary fence to the other at Glastonbury. I always hear people complaining about how much their thighs hurt. And it's not just from all the walking either. People always end up getting on each other's shoulders and it's normally in front of you. And then you just want to be like, get off his shoulders. If your groin's not strong enough to clamp his head for four hours straight, you can just stand, babes. You don't need to be 12 foot tall to hear the nice songs.

I'm probably just jealous. The last time I was, let's say, in a position to be atop a man's shoulders, I was six and he was called dad. So my perfect mode of festival transport is a golf buggy. I don't know why a golf buggy is somehow more luxurious than a car, considering it's essentially a bourgeois milk float. It just is. And if I'm going to have my dream mode of transport, I better have my dream driver. They've got to be funny, they've got to look fantastic, and they need to be available for these recording dates. Somebody I cannot wait to subject to the utter indignity of driving me around. Comedian Rhys Nicholson. Oh, damn fantasy songs. Iedian Rhys Nicholson.

Oh, damn fantasy songs. I was right in the middle of something. All right, I'm here. Is that it? I was expecting a sort of whoosh or something like when you summon a genie. OK, well, first of all, let's get this straight. Ironically, I am not a genie. Will Smith has effectively ruined genies for another generation. And second, how could I

whoosh here when I had to collect this thing? Seriously, who travels in a golf buggy, Jane? I thought the vibe was fantasy festival, not Tony Blair at Camp David, which is a great drag name, by the way. Welcome to the stage, Camp David. Hey! These are luxury. At least

they are where I come from. Also, I'll be honest, I try to not exercise whatsoever. I haven't moved in four months. Oh, same. Before COVID, I was trying to get fit and healthier, but then we went into lockdown and my boyfriend and I, we basically just locked the doors and started drinking like it was Jonestown. The closest I've gotten to any exercise in the last four months is once,

a few weeks ago, we tried to have sex under a weighted blanket. We had to have two rest days everyone has lost something over this time granted it's not weight for most of us but what have you lost well i mean i was meant to get married at the end of may oh actually you need to turn left here past the body positive elta skelter body positive i've just made it wider there was let's say an issue in 2007 at another festival I was at. Anyway, what did you have planned for your big day? Because I'll be honest with you, Rhys, I love a wedding. Oh, I was really looking forward to our wedding.

Who doesn't love a wedding? Heaps of people. The problem with a wedding is it's just never, ever, ever, ever going to be as good as the concept of Saturday. I was at a wedding reception a few years good as the concept of Saturday. I was a wedding reception a few years ago and the mother of the bride was making a speech. Oh how very modern. Well she's got to have her say. At one point she said a mother is never truly happy until her child has found the person they're going to spend the rest of their lives with. A pretty full-on thing to say. And then the recently divorced sister of the bride went, I'll rack off, you old hag,

and stormed out. Also, a few years ago, even better, my aunt passed out drunk at her daughter's wedding behind the DJ booth, and her glittery shoes were sticking out, and we still call her the Wicked Witch of the East. Jade, that's the type of energy I want for my wedding. If you wouldn't mind just pulling over here

for a second, I'm actually meeting another of my Dream Festival staff. I've given her complete control over the VIP section and I want to see what she's done with the place. Rhys, it's Sarah Millican. Hello, Sarah. Thank you so much for running my VIP section. You are so welcome.

I love being in charge of literally anything. This is excellent because I've been in VIP sections before and normally it's full of people that I wouldn't consider a very important person so I always think if you want to have a cracking VIP section you should have someone that you respect on the front of it. Have you actually had any trouble today with any VIPs? Well I think the only problem is that there's not really many people in the VIP section because I've just allowed myself in there and there's nobody else coming in. Because I just wrote a list and it had my name on it. And if your name's not down, you're not coming in.

So I am lying on these velour sofas, you know, feeding myself grapes. I'm having a lovely time. Who has tried to come in? Who's attempted? Oh, Elton John again. Elton turned up. I love that you've turned down Elton. Well, I mean, if you're not going to tell us what your real name is, you know, I could write Reg Dwight down, but if you're going to come up all Elton John,

and we know how you made that up because we've seen the film. Do you go to festivals? Have you been to one? I've only been when I've been working. It's not really my bag. I like the idea of them. I'll watch like Glastonbury on the telly and I think oh that looks great but I really like, I really enjoy going to the toilet when it's clean and nice. Okay so this is my festival so I'm just going to make sure that, because I've roped you in, pun intended, to the VIP section, I'm going to make sure that everything you require

is there. In fact, the toilet at this festival is going to be encrusted with Swarovski crystals for you to sit on. They're my favourite crystals. I thought so. I thought so. I thought so. Oh, yeah, but just on the bit you lift up,

but not on the bit you put your nethers on. No. I mean, nobody needs extra damage, don't they? Not at this age. Obviously, VIPs, they play up. You know, it's just you've heard all the stories. What is it that you think could actually demote a VIP from their vip status

what you would do is you'd have another room another section area that would be qip so that would be quite important person and you'd put them in there instead and then you'd say to them if you behave yourself i'll put you back in there but until you do i should tell you this i did a chat show once and i was in the green room with one of the other guests, the other British guest and all the other guests were Hollywood guests and we didn't know where the Hollywood ones were, it was really weird and then we found out later on that there was another VIP room, another green room where the more famous ones were. So what I'd probably do is all the Hollywoodllywood and american ones i'd put them in the

qip and i'd do a reversal of that and i'd have all the british especially the northern ones in the vip instead yeah qip to start with the mere smattering of the word aluminum or zucchini and they're out yeah you? Yeah. You've got to blend in or get out. Sarah, I don't want to alarm you, but it looks like Fern Cotton and Oprah Winfrey have pulled out some very pointy knitting needles over in the cosy corner. Oh, I'll just bend the ends over and tell them they're crocheting now.

And this is why I have you in a position of power at this festival. And also, I always carry corks. Do you never carry corks in case that happens? You just put a cork on the end. So many more problems than crimes could be averted if people just carried more corks. Sarah, thank you so much for manning this VIP section. I really think you've got it under control.

I'm going to leave you to this now, and I'm going to go and deal with this Fern and Oprah situation. Thanks for the tip. Thank you. Oh, that was so much fun oh hang on look who's at the back of the vip section it's my good friend bbc podcaster and fellow bristolian glenn fussell now glenn's normally in charge of booking these events and has the biggest little black book in the biz but unfortunately his festival a big camp extravaganza called the mighty hoopla was cancelled this year but to make sure that all of his talents aren't wasted this summer i've asked him to set me up with some celebs let's

see who he's managed to wangle all right babes i love her how you doing i'm all right as the listeners will notice me and glenn have the same accent and in, our mums used to work together at the same Asda and had no idea they were in the same building together. That's correct. It was based in Peru, as you can tell. Please tell me that you've managed to wangle Kate Moss. Oh, she's always available. But I've also got you some others. Oh, go on.

I put Gok Wan on security. He's doing a strip search and confidence boost on entry. And say it with me, girls. It's all about the confidence. And who else you got? Come on. Liam Neeson's going to be on litter picking. I mean, who's going to drop litter in front of Liam Neeson

holding a mechanical litter grabber, eh? I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. But I have a very particular set of skills. Skills that'll make me a nightmare for litterbugs like you. If you don't pick up that can of G&T, I will look for you. I will find you.

And I will kill you. I mean, I'll be honest. Liam's going to take a while if he's doing that on every single bit of litter, isn't it? Oh, actually, Jade, we do have a little bit of bad news. What? Yeah, unfortunately, we've had a little bit of bad news. What? Yeah, unfortunately, we've had to take Gillian McKeith off toilet duty because she just kept bagging up people's stores and taking them home with her, the dirty cow.

She cannot help herself. Now, the most important bit of any festival, you and I both know this, Glyn. Yeah. Who are we having at the Healing Tent? What we need is someone straight talking. You know how it gets when you're at a festival. You consume way too much of everything. Oh, yeah. You we need is someone straight talking. You know how it gets when you're at a festival. You consume way too much of everything. You just need to sit down and you just need to have a straight conversation with someone brilliant. What about Kathy Burke? Babe,

even in this fancy format, you ain't getting Burke to a festival. You can do it for me. Trying my best, honey. Hang on, Glyn. I've got to go. Michelle Obama's just walked in and I haven't given her Tupperware back. Where's Rhys? Rhys! I'm over here., honey. Hang on, Glyn. I've got to go. Michelle Obama's just walked in and I haven't given her Tupperware back. Where's Rhys? Rhys! I'm over here. You said I wasn't allowed to leave the buggy unmanned. Rhys, we've got to go.

Also, I'm starving. Take me to my fantasy chip van and step on it. All right, all right. Jesus. So, whilst we're here, what food were you having at your wedding? Hog roast is my go-to. Do you do the hog roast where it's like the pig's head is also there? Yeah.

I always think eating food that way is very similar to eating like a seafood platter. Like, oh, I want to look them in the eye and know like, oh, I won. Oh my God, the amount of weddings, Rhys, that I go to each year is insane. It wasn't this many. And then I got into my 30s and it's every weekend. The truth thrill I think of plummeting into your 30s is that I'm now at the age where not only are a lot of my friends getting married, I've had like a few divorces.

This is what I'd say about your friends getting divorced. It's never the ones you think should, is it? No. You know what I mean? You're always like, oh no, but shouldn't it be? All right, never mind. I feel like every group of friends has like a couple or two that are like a drama couple i was at a dinner like a few months ago and i was with this couple

the drama couple they'd been late and i introduced them so i'm to blame and they were telling me oh we're gonna try for a baby and me and my partner had to be like. Because yeah, if your house was on fire, why wouldn't you buy a petrol station? And here is the chip van. See, it wasn't so hard, was it? Chips by Heston. Oh, are you serious? Yes. What are they? Like made out of nitrogen, desiccated synthetic termite plasma or something? Made out of nitrogen, desiccated synthetic termite plasma or something? No.

Well, Heston is famous for the triple cook chip. And I just thought if I was going to have a chip van at my festival, it would be him that makes them. They have the perfect crunch. Listen to this. Oh, that is good. We don't even have to hear him talk. Oh, it's Kathy Burke.

Hello. Hello, Kathy. Where are you? You sound like you're at home. Yes, I am. I'm at home. Have you ever been to a music festival? You know, the problem with me is that in the 80s, I knocked about a lot with the pokes, as you do.

Oh, wow. Now, I'm sure that at one of these pokes geek it was a festival type environment say you got asked to go to a festival now with another rock band would you go probably not um why is that i'm too old i'm not saying other people my age are too old for it not at all but i personally i like a clean toilet and i like a soft bed you know if you were gonna have an extra store at a festival what would it be well i would like at a festival a stall that serves property builders tea in's tea, in proper China mugs. Yes, Matthew. I'm not after a cup and salsa.

I know we're at a festival, but a China mug, that would be most appreciated. China mug, builder's tea inside of it, and that's basically the only thing it sells, yeah? That's the only thing it sells. There's no choice. There's no Earl Grey. There's no herb.

And I find tea drinkers a bit more laid back than coffee drinkers. Coffee drinkers are a bit manic and always on the go. Yeah, that's true. Whereas the tea drinker is a much more laid back person, couldn't care less attitude. And that's what I like. So I've chosen Sarah Millican to run my VIP area because she's super wholesome. And it means I won't get any riffraff in there if Sarah's checking people out.

Who would you have in your VIP area? Well, I quite like the Obamas. The Obamas, great. I'd have a little chat with Michelle about come and girl, pull your finger out, you know, are you going to run for president at some point? I think that would be quite nice, have a little

chat with those two. I'd have last year's festival star Lizzo. I mean, my goodness. Do you know both Michelle Obama and Lizzo are at my festival? Are they? They're just there anyway. And what would you have on offer in your VIP area for Michelle Obama and for Lizzo? What would I give them? I'd give them my love and my time. What is the sort of advice that you would give your average festival goer who came over to the healing area?

Well, I don't know, really, because the thing is, hopefully you've had a good time. So I think any mishaps are all part of life's great tapestry and they're to be taken in as long as you haven't done anything out of order. But I think if all you've done is just sort of have a great time, but you've got a little bit discombobulated here and there, I sort of feel there's no problem with that. Just go home and add it to your lovely list of stories to tell. What a lovely sentiment. Cathy, put your feet up.

Just watch it at home. That's how I watched Adele last year. And I'll be honest, set fire to the rain is much better when you can pause your mid-belt to ask your boyfriend to fetch you a Kit Kat anyway. I mean, it's great knowing

that you're watching from your sofa. And if you see anything untoward, if you see people not having fun, just give me a text and I'll go and sort them out. Absolutely, I will. Good luck with it and enjoy the rest of your summer. Rhys, Cathy's just called.

She's not coming. She's going to watch the highlights instead from her sofa. Oh, that's a shame. I like her. I think Cathy's onto something there. Sometimes you just need to escape all of the chaos and have a cup of tea and that's what i always used to do we'd hide behind the inflatable church and make a brew on a campfire jade i keep noticing you keep saying inflatable church like it's normal what are you talking about have you not seen my

inflatable church i'm scared to ask no yet. Why don't you turn around, Rhys? Holy... Church, Batman. And I can't believe you got Bette Midler as well. I thought she was dead. I'll be honest with you, if Bette Midler dies, imagine the outfits at the funeral. Oh, my God, there's not enough sequence in the world.

Who else do you want here, Rhys? Come on, anyone. I'll do it for you. Well, with all this love and magic, I know I should say Tom Hardy. But? My fiancé. Maybe I could have a dance with him at least. But he's in Melbourne.

And that's not going to happen, is it? Rhys, I don't know if you've grasped this strange Radio 4 concept yet, but I can make anything happen. Oh, who is it? Oh, Jade, hey, how are you? I'm very well, thank you. I mean, I'm literally Bristol's version of Cilla Black.

Look what I've made happen. Well, I'm just glad this summit wasn't six minutes ago. That would not have been all that pretty. Now, are you two ready? What do you mean, Jade? Well, like the old saying goes, there's only three activities that are appropriate in a church. Snogging a sexy priest a la Fleabag,

singing opera on a golden lectern when the church is shut a la My Life, and getting married. Well, I don't see any priests, and I slept on the way here. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of BBC Radio 4 and in the face of this company of witnesses that includes Sarah Millican and three drunk girls resting their legs before Lizzo's set to join together Rhys and Kyron

in a non-legally binding ceremony because you can't really get married on Radio 4. Rhys, repeat after me. I, Rhys Owen Nicholson, take thee, Kyron. I, Rhys Owen Nicholson, take thee, Kyron. I, Rhys Owen Nicholson, take thee, Karen. Oh, sorry, it's Kyron. Kyron. Kyron Britton Wheatley. To be my unlawful wedded husband.

To be my unlawful wedded husband. I dedicate myself to you for richer for poorer, through sickness and in health, until death do us part. I dedicate myself to you for richer or poorer, through sickness and in health, until death do us part. So like our countries maybe should have done a little earlier in retrospect, let's lock this down. So beautiful.

Now you, Kyron. I, Kyron Britton Wheatley, take thee, Rhys Owen Nicholson, to be my unlawfully wedded husband. I, Kyron, take thee, Rhys, to be my unlawful wedded... Sorry, next page. This was all quite last minute. One second.

...husband in front of our good friends, the listeners of BBC Radio 4. Now the exchange of rings. Kyron, I give you this ring as a token of my undying love. It represents my devotion, as well as having the monetary value of about two weeks' rent if the live gigs don't come back. Also, I'm not sure if this is an appropriate time to bring this up,

but I would really appreciate you getting a haircut. It is getting out of control. As if the angels do speak, Rhys. Now, Kyron. I give you this ring, not because you are the only person I'm legally allowed to touch, although that is true, but also because we weren't doing anything else today.

And I should also note, in front of the witnesses, Jade and almighty God, that I've booked in to get my haircut cut with Neil from Neil Loves Curls on Thursday week after a recommendation from our friend Zan Great! Well that was kind of the only deal breaker so let's do it With the giving and receiving of rings

and the exchange of vows it's my greatest honour and deepest pleasure to pronounce you Rhys and Kyron, husband and husband you may Oh no! Oh my god and deepest pleasure to pronounce you Rhys and Kyron, husband and husband. You may... Oh no! Very well! Oh my god, that's the wind alert. The second biggest threat to

inflatable buildings after pointy footwear. Right, right, listen, Jade. We need to get everybody out. The wind's really starting to pick up and the inflatable ushers flailing around like he's outside a second hand car dealership. Repeat, everyone out. Roger that, dealership. Repeat, everyone out. Roger that, Glyn.

Oh, who did I appoint as my health and safety monitor again? Oh, well, it says on the sheet Kerry Katona, but that doesn't feel too safe. God! Actually, I'm just going to handle this. Jade, I don't want to alarm you, but the nave is flapping. Anyways, this whole place is about to blow away. Yes, I can see that right nobody panic would everyone please just kindly bounce their way over to the emergency exit or watch out for the inflatable vicar who is now airborne leave all of your personal belongings

behind unless it's vintage or you bought it reduced and won't be able to replace it for the same price what was that don't. It's just an inflatable flower girl bursting. Poor things. Always get trampled underfoot in emergencies. Listen up. The assembly point is over there. Just next to the Mr. Whitney Ice Cream and Soul Diva tribute van. Just follow the jingle.

Wait. Jade, can you hear that? Did you really think I'd let you leave without a first dance? And because this is my festival and my rules, I have an incredible act lined up for you. Oh my god.

You got... Is that... Jade, is that Whitney? No, Rhys. Even in death we can't afford Whitney. But we did get the next best thing. Every festival I've ever been to needs a headliner, one who can deliver an emotional moment you'll always remember, and my headline act is no exception. On the main stage of Jade Fest,

we have drag opera artist Legato Chocolat. have drag opera artist legato chocolate i wanna dance with somebody i wanna feel the heat with somebody i wanna dance with somebody, with somebody who loves me. Now, no matter who you are or where you are, I hope you'll join me in throwing your arms around somebody who loves you, even and especially if that's just yourself, and have a little dance with us. Guys, let me get in the middle. Yeah, that feels good.

When do I go home? We live here now. The clock strikes upon the hour And the sun begins to fade Still enough time to figure out how to chase these blues away

I've been alright up till now Is the light of day showing me how But when the night falls My loneliness falls

I want to dance with somebody I want to feel the heat I wanna dance with somebody With somebody who loves me I wanna dance with somebody I want to feel the heat with somebody I want to dance with somebody With somebody who loves me

I need a man who loves me. I need a man who take a chance on a love that burns hard enough to last. But when the night falls, when my loneliness comes I want to dance with somebody I want to feel the heat I want to dance with somebody With somebody who loves me Somebody who loves me Somebody who loves me With somebody who loves me

That was My Summer Comedy Festival, hosted by me, Jade Adams, and written with Simon Alcock and Charlie Dinkin. It featured Rhys Nicholson, Sarah Millican, Glyn Fussell, Kathy Burke, Kyron Wheatley and Legato Jocula. The producer was Hayley Sterling, and it was a BBC Studios production. APPLAUSE It was a BBC Studios production.

From the one village behind the mountain. Imagine you're living a very different life on the other side of the world. You feel I cannot do anything. You live silently in the shadows. Just stay home, bring children, make food. And then someone takes your child, disappears into the night with your little girl and you can't stay silent any longer. And you'll do whatever it takes, travel thousands of miles across the globe to find your missing daughter. This is my child. I look after this

child like tigers, just go everywhere. Join me, Sue Mitchell, for this gripping new BBC Radio 4 podcast series. Subscribe to Girl Taken on BBC Sounds. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors. Like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks.