Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Naked Christmas Week: Books, Trump, and When Is Bins?

Episode Date: January 3, 2025

Landing slap-bang in the no-man’s land between Christmas and New Year, the Naked Week team will be heading out of the trenches to challenge the news to a game of football. This week, we find out which of the year's political memoirs passes our special test, and we ask the big Christmas question 'When Is Bins?'Expect festive advice, guests full of joy and wonder, and a little drummer boy (budget depending), as the show sticks its hand into all the Christmas current affairs, pulls out a bag of news-giblets and stuffs the airwaves with irreverent features, mischievous set-pieces and more jokes than you can shake a seasonal stick at.Presenter of Presents: Andrew Hunter MurrayChief Christmas Correspondent: Amy HoggartWritten by: Jon Holmes Jason Hazeley Katie Sayer Sarah Dempster Gareth Ceredig Adam Macqueen Louis MianProduced by Jon Ho-ho-ho-Holmes.Production Team: Katie Sayer, Phoebe Butler, Laura Grimshaw, Jerry Peal, Tony Churnside.An unusual production for BBC Radio 4

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hello, I'm Andrew Hunter Murray, and this is the last in the current series of The Naked Week, Radio 4's brand new topical comedy. Imagine the Today programme after distraught children are told Michelle Hussein was never real. On the Naked Week this week, Talk TV presenter Mike Graham seemingly targeted Raymond Briggs's classic snowman in his latest rant.

He spent something like 159 hours and 46 minutes in the air. What, why doesn't he want to stay in Britain? Because you live here, Mike. The Angel of the Lord realised it had been a mistake to appear to Jeremy Kyle this year. I can't see you, man. You've got the light right behind your head, not into your face. What's the matter with you? And glory shone around.

Also for 2025, according to TalkTV, there's a racy new high street rival to build a bear craft a penis Sorry did did anyone else just hear No, sorry, I'm sure it's fine. Sorry. I thought I had something in the year. This is interesting really interesting And I think that's genuinely interesting there. Can you hear that? It's really interesting. Yeah, and it's really interesting. It's very interesting and he said something really interesting there There is something really interesting. I know what this is. I know what this is. We I'm afraid I'm so sorry. We have a We've got a bloody newsagents infestation Yes, and it is interesting.

But it is really interesting. It is really interesting, John. What is interesting about this? And I suppose that's a really interesting question. So I thought that that was very interesting, and indeed interesting as well. Exactly that. That was what was so interesting about it. So interesting.

It always happens at this time of year, John Sopel, Emily Maitlis and Lewis Goodall, the poor podcast critters, the cold weather drives them inside, and then they burrow into the skirting boards. It's such an interesting area. It's interesting, isn't it? As John was saying, it is very, very interesting. They get everywhere, those pesky news agents.

It's relentless. They just find everything so... Oh, what's the word? Interesting. So interesting. I think this is interesting. Well, no, I think that is really interesting. Interesting. And I think it's really interesting. I think it's so interesting. But it this is interesting. Well, I think that is really interesting interesting and I think it's really interesting

I think it's so interesting. It's an interesting question. I think this is where it gets really interesting I thought earlier your point is a really interesting one very interesting and very thoughtful really interesting But the thing we've left out so far is the extraordinary level of interest I'm pretty sure you mentioned that, John. Unfortunately, if you do find a newsagent's infestation in your house this Christmas, there is really nothing you can do to get rid of them. You know, you can try putting down traps. It would be interesting to see if this one sticks.

You can try poisoning their podcast feed. Well, that's a really interesting way. You can try setting fire to them. It's interesting to imagine what flames look like. It's pointless. There is no stopping them. All you can do, all you can do is wait until two of them run out of interesting things and start ganging up on the weaker one.

I think Badenock is an interesting politician. Oh, here we go again. Very, very interesting. What is interesting about this? There is absolutely nothing interesting at all. There is something really interesting. I'm sorry, there just isn't. This is not very interesting.

Well, OK, good for you. I'm so boring. Just not interesting. Well, it's interesting. Oh, my God. Good old... This is desperate. Have you wet your pants yet? Oh. This is The Naked Week on BBC Radio 4. It's kind of interesting. LAUGHTER I missed it. Damn it.

Now, with Christmas out of the way, and all that's left in the house is both the chocolates and the relatives that no-one likes, our minds surely turn to the most pressing question of the season. And it's the eternal question, really, as, without fail, at some point during this week, we will all turn to the most pressing question of the season. And it's the eternal question, really, as without fail, at some point during this week, we will all turn to a loved one and wonder out loud, when is bins? To paraphrase Bono, bin day bloody bin day. It's the festive bane of all our lives.

Here in the no-man's land between Christmas and New Year, we don't even know what day it is, let alone when is bins. It truly is a mystery. As Scrooge himself shouted when he threw open the sash on Christmas morning. You boy, when is bins? No wonder he hates Christmas. Yep, there's another question question I know certainly keeps me awake at night, and I know it does you too.

Yes, that is another Needless Bono reference. That question is, who, as 2024 draws to a close, has been this year Britain's most helpful MP? Last year, the Commissioner for Parliamentary Standards warned MPs that they were failing to respond to the public, citing a lack of responsiveness to constituents' inquiries. In other words, many of them do absolutely bugger all, and I'm paraphrasing the Commissioner for Standards there, for the people that voted them in.

Now, to be clear, I'm not naming or shaming any MP in particular. Not even the town of Clacton where he doesn't live, but... But as far as we can see, and we have checked, that report from the Commission of the Standards has not been followed up, so we do not know whether or not the situation has improved. And thus it falls to the Naked Week to do its public duty and find out. So what if, although it's not a what if because we have actually done this, what if we took the eternal bin question and we used it to answer the second question? What if we emailed, at random,

a bunch of cross-party constituency MPs to ask them the defining question of our times? I can't believe we did this. So through friends and family who genuinely live in those constituencies, we chose 50 MPs and typed just three words to them all... when it's bins... and then we press send.

Would we get a helpful answer, no answer at all, or the kind of answer the Church of England keeps giving when asked, what do we know about this paedophile bloke? Now, as you might expect... Merry Christmas. Now, as you might... As you might expect, we got a hell of a lot of replies, broadly along the lines of... This is an automated response to confirm

that your email has been received. But then came Munira Wilson, Lib Dem MP for Twickenham, who responded to, dear Munira Wilson, when his bins, with... We don't fully understand your email as there is very little information in it. However, we think you are asking when your bins are collected.

If that is correct, when your bins are collected. If that is correct, then your road is collected on a Thursday. First helpful one we got. Although we're not asking when his road's, Minera, we're asking when his bins. But we are getting somewhere. Next up, the helpful office of the Lib Dem MP for Wimbledon. If you mean when are your bins collected,

you can find the schedule here. And his office then included a link to Merton Council's website which did not work. So Office of Lib Dem MP for Wimbledon, I'm afraid you go straight back into the bin marked unhelpful. Next, step forward, Sir Roger Gale, Conservative MP for Herne Bay and Sandwich and clearly a man of few words who simply said... Bins are a local authority responsibility. That may be Sir Roger, but when is they?

Interestingly, Sir Roger cc'd his wife into his reply. Which could mean she works for him in a secretarial capacity, or perhaps every week when she reminds him to take out the bins He replies bins are a local authority Without even looking up from his sandwich or his hern bay Now at this point we decided to escalate our investigation and so we asked the UN. We really did. No reply.

And then, I'll be honest, we got a bit carried away in the office and we asked the Vatican, NASA, the Women's Institute, the National Trust, Jeff Bezos and Take a Break magazine. And not a single one of these so-called institutions was prepared to offer a definitive answer. But we tried one more. Dear Sheffield Wednesday Football Club, when is bins, PS, is it Wednesday? And the reply? Thank you for the email.

The phrase when is bins doesn't make any sense, so I'm afraid on this occasion we are unable to assist with your query. So then we looked up their postcode on Sheffield Council's website and I can tell you the answer to when is Sheffield Wednesday's bins is... Wednesday. It's Thursday. Very disappointing. In desperation we turned to Twitter, or as it's now been renamed, Hell.

But all we got was an advert for Bitcoin, and our researcher was immediately radicalised against women. Although then Richard Osman replied to our three-word tweet with... Wednesday, except when it isn't. But we realised, desperate for answers, we had strayed too far from our original remit, which is to find Britain's most helpful MP brackets out of the limited number we randomly surveyed. So, shout out to, among others, Shadow Home Secretary Chris Filp, who took the time to

reply personally with... How may I be of assistance? Kind regards, Chris. Well, did you not read the email, Chris? It was all in there. But then, what's this? Enter the office of the Conservative MP for Romford. I am grateful to you for making contact with me as your Member of Parliament, and I will

endeavour to do everything I can to assist you and look into the matters you have raised. This is promising. Thank you for your email message, which I have read personally. Personally? Go on. Taking careful note of all the points you have made regarding bins. Just one point, really. This is to confirm that your inquiry has been received and is now logged with my MP's Casework Unit at the House of Commons.

Guess it! Please be assured that all inquiries received by me will receive my full attention and action will be taken. That is great to know and not unhelpful. But that said, in the end, we decided that, in fact, the Naked Week Award for Britain's most helpful MP, at least when it comes to bins, brackets out of the limited number we randomly surveyed,

close brackets, goes to Sheffield Wednesday for their Thursday bin collection. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And if you are fruitlessly wondering when is Bins, remember, Bins is Wednesday except when it isn't. As the first of January bears down on us all, like Greg Wallace at the Masterchef Christmas party, possibly. Possibly, possibly, possibly.

It's time now to compliment the forthcoming New Year's Honours List with the inaugural Naked Week Honours List, our awards given to the most deserving of the year and sure to become one of the UK's highest accolades. Fire up the regal trumpets! BAND PLAYS Very classy. And so to our first award, which is for the politician

with the most pathetic excuses after being caught accepting fancy freebies. Amy? The winner is Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson. In September, she was quizzed on ITV News about why she'd taken two tickets in the royal box at Wimbledon worth £1,060 for free. She explained. I was invited as Education Secretary.

I was very much there in my role as Education Secretary. Yeah, and quite right too. How would our schools cope if the Education Secretary didn't get to go to Wimbledon? Our next award is for best heckle aimed at a serving Prime Minister. And the award goes to... The Weather! For pissing all over Rishi Sunak. to the weather for pissing all over Rishi Sunak. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And congratulations to the weather for drenching Rishi Sunak so comprehensively he became wetter than all of water itself. His suit, by the way, is still not dry. Next, the award for workforce with the most problematic employees in 2024. So there's no outright winner this year, as it's actually a tie between the Church of England and the BBC. There is an actual trophy as part of this prize but we're not giving it to either winner as we'd

have to deep clean it afterwards. And the award for bringing the most joy to the hearts of the people of Britain goes to Southport based painter and decorator Brian Spencer who you may recall while confronting police back in the summer riots, was hit in the balls with a brick thrown by a fellow rioter. In case you missed it, here's how it sounded. Whoa! He shot the f***ing elbow! Now you can look up that clip if you want to, but please do not Google the phrase, brick

in the balls, or you will find your way, as we did this morning, to some very specialist websites. Nonetheless, great stuff, Brian. That is the Naked Week New Year's Honours List! Just time now at this seasonal juncture for one of the nine Naked Week lessons from the book of New Deuteronomy. And behold, a dazzling light did appear in the sky, and a great commotion did ensue.

For being simple men, the shepherds knew not whether this was a sign from God or a foreign drone. And lo, a child was born, and the angel did say, Rejoice, Joseph! Although this will have implications for your inheritance tax status. But the shepherds did take umbrage at this, for as farmers they were prone to sudden bouts of rage over perceived economic disparity. And then there came upon them great sorrow, as the main shepherd was suddenly forced to resign,

as it was revealed unto them that he had failed to investigate the fact that one of the other shepherds had interfered with his flock. Next there came three wise men, of the other shepherds had interfered with his flock. Next there came three wise men, and unto the infant they gave gold and frankincense and myrrh. And as she beheld what they had brought, the Virgin Mary did say unto them, Does thou not

have a legal obligation to declare the source of thy gifts under section 62 of the Income Tax Earning and Pensions Act 2003, to which the wise men replied, it was an oversight. Amen. Amen. Now, two days ago, in the middle of the night, a man in a funny costume came into our homes uninvited while we were sleeping, and then, just a few hours later, at three o'clock in the afternoon, so did another one. Except this one doesn't leave us presents.

Instead, this one takes half a billion pounds from us annually so he can employ another man to brush his teeth. Although we were sleeping then as well, because lunch. It was a speech recorded months ago, round about the same time as Australia was telling him where to shove his Commonwealth. But we found ourselves wondering, the King's Christmas message is all very well, but what would happen if we got AI to write it? It's a tradition, dating back to King George V in 1932, but what if we dragged it, kinging

and screaming into the modern age, and asked ChatGPT to troll the monarch's musings and come up with its own version? Is it allowed? Is it ethical? Is the Naked Weeks lawyer on his Christmas break and thus can't stop us? No, no, and yes, in that order. And so, as a festive treat for you, we forced a bot to write the King's Christmas message. For preemptive legal reasons, Charles is voiced by a robot. My first son, Kaiser Wilhelm, also sang of illness due to his wife who got better. My last son, Harry Styles, sang of privacy due to his wife. She did not get better.

I ask that the last remarkal be stricken from the record. Yet in dark troubles, I am reminded of my brother Andrew who causes them and more. This year I have pizza expressly forbidden him to be royal anymore, and it is in these difficult moments of heart that I truly recall wise words from my mothership, never complain, never champagne. Finally, to top off this anus, I wish you would all go away and be grateful for all of my money. Goodbye. The King's Speech, everybody! Donald Trump has never been one to under-promise and over-achieve.

In fact, you might say quite the reverse. But in just a few weeks time, on January 20th 2025, one thing he definitely is going to do is break the world record for the busiest day any human being has ever had. And that's because in both recent interviews and also in his own brain, which he described as being as shit famously is. He's pledged that on his first day as president, he will end the war in Ukraine, deport millions of undocumented immigrants, fire thousands of federal employees, pardon everyone locked up for rioting at the Capitol on January 6th, seal the border, reverse environmental protections, totally eliminate the deep state, be an actual dictator. I'm not even a fraction of the way down the list.

Donald, help me out. My first day back in the White House, I'll terminate every open borders policy of the Biden administration, stop the invasion on our southern border. We're going to do something else. I will end the Biden-Harris electric vehicle mandate on day one.

I would immediately start with energy. I would drill, baby, drill. I mean, on my first day at work, I just ate three packets of Percy pigs and photocopied my face. But anything else for day one, President Trump? We will stop the invasion, end migrant crime, support our police, strengthen our military, build a missile defense shield all around our country.

That wall will go up so fast your head will spin. And what is amazing is that he's going to do all of that with Elon Musk's nose stuck up his ass. But it's a hell of a lot to fit into day one. How best to achieve all of it? Well, to help us talk through Donald Trump's very busy day is time management coach and productivity consultant, Claire Evans. Claire, what is the key to maximising your productivity?

Preparation. Preparation is key. It's really important to prepare for what you need to get done, have a plan and then prioritize. Okay, January 20th. We know Trump gets up early because he's normally sort of rage posting from about five in the morning. Is being an early riser good for productivity? It is because you can get a head start on the day. A bit of self-care, get the personal hygiene out of the way. This feels very pointed Claire when we're talking about Personal hygiene personal development. You want to have a shower you want to look after yourself. Yeah, that's the time to do it

Okay, but of course there is a problem. He doesn't become president until noon so He's got to get ready for the inauguration. He's got to have his hair welded into place He's got to he's got to be fastened into his corset so tightly that he goes that colour. He has said he wants his new health secretary, RFK Jr, to investigate the link between vaccines and autism. Now that won't take long because there isn't one, so that's a huge take there. And let's say at the end of the day it's got to 11 p.m. and he's still got three hours of stuff to do. He is the president, he does have the power of executive order. Can he declare January 20th to be a week long?

Is that one way out of this? That's not really being productive. If he wants to be productive he should actually be doing less and do more of the right things in the time that's available. And actually if you're being productive you do things in a shorter amount Of time and not just go I'll just keep the clock running. I think he's doing a lot of the right things I mean like very like extremely right things Okay, final question should he three bags of Percy pigs and photocopy his own face that might be more productive

Fantastic that is the Trump checklist thoroughly ticked off Claire. Thank you very much Fantastic. That is the Trump checklist thoroughly ticked off. Claire, thank you very much. You're listening to The Naked Week on Radio 4, where it's time to take a post-boxing day stroll in the seasonal garden of quiet current affairs contemplation. It's the news in haikus. MUSIC PLAYS Two words bring a chill of dread to festivities. Hootin' nannies on.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE The News in Haikus. This is The Naked Week on Radio 4. In the Christmas week that a Reform Party insider revealed the real reason their MPs keep saying, stop the boats. That's how they have an erection. Well, whatever works, okay, am I right?

Although that said, if you do see them at a regatta, run. So, as The Naked Week heaves itself off the sofa to do its first proper toilet since Christmas Eve, our mind turns turpidly towards the smallest room's traditional form of entertainment. Toilet books, the tomes we all got for Christmas that we will never read in full and just shove next to the loo. This year has been a vintage one for political memoirs, of course. Perfect for the loo. Among others, Boris Johnson, Nadine Dorries, Bill Clinton, Liz Truss, and even Tony Blair have all curled one out. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And if you got one in your stocking, like us, you probably want to know which ones

are worth keeping, which should be dumped on a charity shop by tomorrow at the latest, and which should be burned in a giant wicker Richard Osman. LAUGHTER To help us decide, and indeed to separate the wheat from the truss, please welcome... the deputy literary editor of The Sunday Times, Laura Hackett! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hi, Laura. Hello. Hello.

OK, look, let's get straight into the political weeds. We've got books from Blair, Johnson, Truss. Have any of them troubled the bestseller lists? Well, it's been a bit of a mixed bag for former PMs who've taken up their pens this year. Boris Johnson is comfortably in the lead. His memoir sold over 100,000 copies since its publication in October. About 42,000 of those were in its first week on the shelves, which makes Unleashed, Drumroll, the 12th fastest-selling memoir since our Sunday Times Best Sellers records began.

That is good. Yeah, I mean, it sounds very impressive, until you realise he's sitting just behind Katie Price's third memoir. Thank you, Laura, that's great. But wait a second, because with toilet books in mind, I'm just getting word that we can cross live to the toilets here in the theatre we're recording at, where Amy Hoggart has copies of both Boris's book and 10 Years to Save the West by Liz Truss.

Amy, can you hear me? Loud and clear, Andy. Great, okay, this is a first, this is a Naked Week experiment. I understand we are going to find out which one flushes fastest when you tear, when you tear the pages out, is that right? That's right. I'll be flushing the pages of both books down the loo. Okay, Amy We're gonna give you some time. We're gonna come back to you in the toilet to find out off you go starting with truss

Johnson now. We will be back with Amy in a minute to see how that's going. But Laura, on Boris's book, unleashed. Never mind sales, how's the book been received? Some of the most interesting judgments, I think, actually came from his former colleagues. So in what seemed to be an attempt to be nice, Michael Gove said of the book, this is a box of Turkish delight as addictive as the white witches in Narnia. And on a completely unrelated matter, has anyone here ever tried reviewing a book after taking cocaine?

Okay. Next up we have Nadine Dorries. So she's the former culture secretary and she took the title for her own book about the last days of the Conservative government, Downfall, from a film that she has clearly not seen because it's about the last days of the Nazi regime. Laura, what has Downfall got to recommend it? Well that is a difficult question. Somehow Nadine Doris has managed to write two books about the political demise of Boris Johnson and this is the second. You know how Nadine Dorris has managed to write two books about the political demise of Boris Johnson?

And this is the second. It is completely and utterly unreadable. Essentially this book is all about her bizarre conspiracy theory that Boris Johnson was pushed out of power by senior ministers working for an unidentified, shadowy, powerful villain, she calls Dr. No. And ironically, one of the legacies of 14 years of Tory rule is that if you ring your GP now, they will reply, Dr. No. Okay, who's up next? Tony Blair on leadership, which Blair described as the manual on political leadership, which

he would have wanted when he took office in 1997. Well, we can only hope that chapter one is just the four words, don't illegally invade Iraq. And last and absolutely least, what do we have? Liz Truss. Liz Truss. Ten years to see of the West, lessons from the only conservative in the room. Yes, and to be fair, she often is the only conservative in the room, because whenever

she is in a room, everyone else leaves. But what did the critics make of it? Well, our reviewer at the time said that the book was, and I quote, readable only in the most literal sense of the word, like the ingredients on a crisp packet. Back to the race of the literary literal toilet books then, because we can now check in with Amy,

who is seeing whether Boris or Liz's book flushes fastest. I can report that the race of the literary literal toilet books then, because we can now check in with Amy, who is seeing whether Boris or Liz's book flushes fastest. I can report that the quality of paper in Boris's book is better, so I got more of Truss away in the time. How far did you get up to in Truss? The bit where she calls her critics untruthers and anti-grocers. Sounds like page one. And Boris? I mostly flush the chap to on Brexit.

OK, so who's the winner? I'm calling Boris because chucking Brexit down the pan seemed more apt. No, come on, Amy, you lost, get over it. Ladies and gentlemen, Laura Hackett, Amy Hoggart and the Political Books of the Year! APPLAUSE And I should say, by the way, we didn't really flush Boris and Liz's books down the toilet. Thameswater asked us not to, as there is already enough shit in the river. Scrooge, take us into the New Year.

You boy, where's his bins? Happy New Year from The Naked Week. The Naked Christmas Week was ho-ho hosted by me, Andrew Hunter Murray, with Amy Hoggart, and guests Laura Hackett and Claire Evans. It was written by John Holmes, Gareth Caredick, Katie Sayer, Sarah Dempster, Jason Haisley, Adam McQueen and Louis Mian. Additional nakedness was by Mark Haynes, with Alice Bright, Ali Panting, Helen Brooks and Kevin Smith, with the voice of Jake Yap.

The Naked Christmas Week is produced and directed by John Holmes, with special guest editors Bashar al-Assad and Prince Andrew, and it's an unusual production for BBC Radio 4. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. And it's a really interesting listen. I completely agree with that. It's a really interesting one. Very, very interesting. Hello, I'm Greg Jenner. I'm the host of You're Dead to Me, the Radio 4 comedy show that takes history seriously. And we are back for series 8, starting with a live episode recorded at the Hay Literary Festival all about the history of the medieval printed book in England. Our

comedian there is Robin Ince. And then we'll be moving on to the life of Mary Anning, the famous paleontologist of the 19th century with Sarah Pascoe. Then it's off to Germany in the 1920s for an episode on LGBTQ life in Weimar, Germany with Jordan Gray. And then we'll hop on a ship all the way back to Bronze Age Crete to learn about the ancient Minoans with Josie Long. Plus loads more. So if that sounds like fun, listen and subscribe to Your Dead to Me on BBC Sounds. listen and subscribe to Your Dead to Me on BBC Sounds.

Yoga is more than just exercise. It's the spiritual practice that millions swear by. And in 2017, Miranda, a university tutor from London, joins a yoga school that promises profound transformation. It felt a really safe and welcoming space. After the yoga classes I felt amazing. But soon, that calm, welcoming atmosphere leads to something far darker. A journey that leads to allegations of grooming, trafficking and exploitation across international borders. I don't have my passport, I don't have my passport, I don't have my phone,

I don't have my bank cards, I have nothing. The passport being taken, the being in a house and not feeling like they can leave. World of Secrets is where untold stories are unveiled and hidden realities are exposed. In this new series, we're confronting the dark side of the wellness industry, where the hope of a spiritual breakthrough gives way to disturbing accusations.

You just get sucked in so gradually and it's done so skillfully that you don't realize. And it's like this, the secret that's there. I wanted to believe that, you know, that whatever they were doing, even if it seemed gross to me, was for some spiritual reason that I couldn't even understand. Revealing the hidden secrets of a global yoga network. I feel that I have no other choice. The only thing I can do is to speak about this and to put my reputation and everything else on the line. I want truth and justice. And for other people to not be hurt,

for things to be different in the future. To bring it into the light and almost alchemize some of that evil stuff that went on. And take back the power. World of Secrets, Season 6, The Bad Guru. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.