Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 12th January

Episode Date: February 9, 2024

Topical panel quiz show, taking its questions from the week's news stories

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I am Andy Zalteman and as always before the first news quiz of a new year, I've just been sent the confidential briefing notes on everything that's going to happen in the UK over the next 12 months. Let's have a look. Right, that's going to happen in the UK over the next 12 months. Let's have a look. Right, that's interesting. The NHS waiting list to exceed the average human lifespan.

The logical end point, I guess. Daily Telegraph to be renamed the Saudi Sun. Well, I suppose that's one way of minimising the damage to the royal family's reputation, but will Rwanda want him? And finally, the entire legal system to be fully replaced by the ITV drama department. That is not public domain yet, so can we keep that between us as we unleash another year of the News Quiz?

APPLAUSE Welcome to 2024. We are almost a quarter of the way through the century now. Our teams this week, after a tricky start to the decade, we have Team Things Can Only Get Better against Team Are You Sure About That? On Team Better, we have Geoff Norcott and Shappi Korsandi.

On Team Are You Sure, Ian Smith and Ayesha Hazarika. Our first question goes to Ian and Ayesha. Which television programme has brought a national scandal into the spotlight? The Teletubbies. Right. Can you explain?

Not one of them had a TV licence. No. Any other suggestions? What TV programmes brought a national scandal into the spotlight? Well, yeah, it's the big post office drama, which I haven't watched and I'm not going to watch it because I know what happens now.

I know that it's a serious miscarriage of justice, but what I will say is the last time I went to the post office someone had finished and I went up to the counter and the woman there, without looking me in the eye, said, I'm not ready yet. So I walked back to the queue and as soon as I got back to the counter and the woman there, without looking me in the eye, said, I'm not ready yet. So I walked back to the queue

and as soon as I got back to the queue, she pressed the thing that went, cashier number four, please. So what I'm saying is I wouldn't mind if some of them are in prison. Some of them deserve it. When I first heard about a Royal Mail scandal, everyone was like, oh, what's Andrew done now?

And also, I found this really, really difficult as a kind of an Asian person, because it was like post office owners versus IT guys, and it was horrible to see my people turn against each other. Very, very uncomfortable. But on one serious note, the thing that is so extraordinary about this is we've had a lot of scandals recently,

and this just sums up the British legal system. You've got Michelle Moan, who is innocent until proven guilty, and you have these post office people who are guilty until proved otherwise. It is just absolutely mad. The real scandal of this is, after all this, they're still using the Horizon thing. They're still using this technology.

It's a bit like in Terminator, they'd have gone, OK, Skynet did become self-aware and tried to kill everyone and everything, but we've had a chat with the programmers and we think that we've fixed most of the glitches now. And, you know, with the post office as well, even if they do deliver compensation, they'll probably leave it with a neighbour.

It's incredible how alarm bells weren't set off. Like, Ed Davey is now sort of... He was the postmaster... What was he? The king of the... King, yeah. He was the king at the time. He was postman Pat for two years at the start of the coalition. He was postman Pat and the lack of accountability has been incredible because he's acting like the entire scandal was a coffee order mix-up and he's just a bit like, I'm not giving back my knighthood.

They should have made it in EastEnders plotline or something like that. And the woman, is it Paula Venels? So she was in charge of the post office and she's actually an Anglican priest. And someone in her position should know how to handle a scandal like this. You don't fire people. You move them to a different parish. I believe that the lesson of this whole episode

is do not radicalise ITV audiences because they know a wrong-un when they see you. They can sniff out a baddie. Look how quickly they turned on Holly Willoughby. They decided, no, no, no, she came down quicker than Saddam Hussein's statue. And that's why this government has tried to distract them by freezing them in their homes and jacking up their mortgages, because they know how powerful they are.

I think you make a really fair point. I mean, for the Lib Dems, it must have been a weird few days, because up until Friday of last week, their campaign team must have been going, we just need to be part of the conversation. Something, anything, there's literally no such thing as bad press. Apart from this. I mean, I think we are finally one step...

We're just a bit closer to knowing what Ed Davey sounds like. I think that would be cool. I'll do an Ed Davey impersonation now. Hello, I'm Ed Davey. None of you know if that's good. That might be the best Ed Davey impersonation on the market. Ed Davey's probably listening in this episode going, he's absolutely nailed my accent.

I think the thing which has been difficult for Ed Davey is that, I mean, to be fair to him, since 1999, when the Horizon thing came in, there have been a lot of post office ministers been seven post labor ministers eight tories and four liberal democrats i think the thing that hasn't helped ed davy is that his go-to political jujitsu move is to call for everybody to

resign as soon as anybody does anything bad like Like, he also loves a stunt. And normally the Liberal Democrats would be, like, asking for Ed Davey to, like, resign and, like, rocking up with a big removals van. But I do think, got to be honest here, the reason why Ed Davey has been hounded is because the Lib Dems are rinsing the Tories in loads of by-elections and they're going to take away a lot of their votes

in the blue wall. So I think we've got to be a bit alive to that as well. You see how happy the Tories are that it's not exclusively them that messed up. They're cock-a-hoop, aren't they? They're high-fiving. Lads, it was only partially us this time.

We may have been predominantly responsible. We weren't totally responsible. This feels like progress. You know how if you wake up and you forgot your anniversary but so feels like progress. You're not like if you wake up and you forgot your anniversary, but so is your wife. You're like... It's this weird thing that it has been around, right?

We say, well, why weren't the journalists covering it? They were. There were a lot of reports in it. Why weren't there documentaries? There was one a couple of years ago. So it's sort of some weird combination of Toby Jones's brilliance and it being January. Because if this had been on brett box we still wouldn't give a toss i think as well you could probably overestimate like still got to be a good story i would love

another injustice to be made by a tv my ongoing battle with ringwood county council about a uh three points a dual carriageway, right? They say dual carriageway, 30 miles an hour. You can't even see a house. How is that a residential area? Now, that doesn't sound good coming from me, but you get Toby Jones saying that.

He's probably listening now. He's like pausing it, rewinding it, just getting your accent, trying to get your mannerisms, but probably not from the radio. I don't know how good an actor he is. I do think there was something madly ironic about watching the story about huge IT failures on the ITV hub,

which is literally the worst streaming platform on terrestrial television. Also, I do feel if there's any karma in the world, the government will carry on using Fujitsu software to calculate the compensations, and they'll mess it up and give more money to the postmasters. I mean, one thing, like, it does seem that... Why do all these things take so long to be resolved?

If you look at Grenfell, if you look at Hillsborough, you look at the Waspie women, and it's always, like like successive governments, under successive governments, and I don't really have a joke here but I just don't feel that infused out of the next election to be honest. And also like with Grenfell, it's always, like I say I'm obsessed with the fact that it's an ITV

audience that have brought this down it's like a normal, working class audience is what it takes to step up, and the sort of people that Rishi, have you seen, look, when he goes through town centre, he has to have like a little person, he goes through it like the rest of us watch an Attenborough

documentary and he has to have people explaining to him, saying it's alright sir, they're just smiling just because they're baring their teeth, it doesn't mean they're going to attack you. But of course we've talked about the villains. Of course, the hero of the piece is Alan Bates.

But I think we should be a bit wary about turning Alan Bates into too much of a national hero. I mean, nothing against him. But I just think we need to do some background checks on his immediate family. Do any of them want to build a very expensive spa? You know, just each other. But also, of course, he's a massive hero. now there's this big campaign there's been this

campaign to get Paula Vennells to give her CBE back and there's now a campaign to give him a knighthood but I just don't think that's enough I think that's virtue signaling it's to ease our collective guilt I think what we've got to do is put Alan Bates in the House of Lords and make him the actual post office minister because I think he's the only person you can trust to sort out this mess. Aisha you've worked in politics for a long time is that not a very dangerous road to go down putting people with relevant expertise in the House of Lords? I would say as well maybe again this is me coming on the negative side of the post office workers here. But hear me out. 700 people accused.

I reckon at least one of them has done it. And they will be over the moon with this. One guilty person going, this is fantastic. Look for me. I think you're right. I think it'd be a great time to do a bit of post office fraud, wouldn't it? It's just like, you go, I have done nothing. This is just a corporate establishment trying to tear me down.

Jeff, you've got envelopes stuffed down your trousers there. Your legs are massive, mate. I think for a £600,000 payout, it's now become the most realistic way of me buying a house is to be falsely accused of something. So I'm going to try and get myself falsely accused of something during tonight's recording. I mean, Paula Vennell's giving her CBE back.

Does this set an exciting new template as well as the New Year's honours list? We could have an official New Year's dishonours list. I mean, I think it could work. It could work like the existing honours list. We could have an official New Year's dishonours list. I think it could work. It could work like the existing honours process. Some would thoroughly deserve to be on the dishonours list. Others would just be randomly picked for nakedly political

reasons. Plus we should have sports people who lose. Are you talking about promotion and relegation from the Lords? It could definitely make the end of season really interesting. I mean, everybody says it lacks a bit of context. As we come up to recess, you go, still a lot to play for at the bottom there.

Lord Winsome of Thames there, he has got a lot of allegations hanging over him. But I'll tell you something, if he could open a church, he could keep this together. Again, that's sounding dangerously democratic, Geoff. You know how you can nominate someone you know, like just a normal person in your community that does lots of nice things for an honour?

We could do that, but a dishonour list for the guy in my road who saves himself a parking space using wheelie bins. I'm very excited about this. I like that. I like that. Also, maybe for people who haven't yet worked out, you can pull the petrol hose over to the other side of the car. This is news to me. What, across the car?

Right, OK, so... Wow. Inform, educate and entertain. The government has this week announced plans to ensure that what is completely cleared by the end of the year? Anyone? A Tory majority. They'll see what the convictions are going to clear,

they're going to overturn the convictions. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ian, you mentioned you think at least one of the many hundreds. Yes.. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, Ian, you mentioned, you think, at least one of the many hundreds of postmasters. But do you know, for an extra point, what will postmasters have to do when they get their exoneration and compensation? What are they going to have to do when they get exonerated? Probably going to have to laser off the first tattoos

they got done in prison. There's going to be a Margaret 53 denouncing gang affiliations. She's got to go back and work in a post office. She's shanked three people with a toothbrush. She's never going to be the same again. I mean, the postmistress does sound like a brilliant crime matriarch, doesn't it? That's your next ITV1 drama, isn't it? I'm not kicking off in a postmistress. That sounds like a brilliant crime matriarch, doesn't it? That's your next ITV1 drama, isn't it?

I'm not kicking off in a post office now. If they say, oh, it's £7 for first class, I go, oh, that's a bit steep. And then Margaret comes out, two dumbbells still in her hands. You what? They're going to have to sign a document saying they're innocent, which I think could be a cost-saving measure for all future court cases.

Foolproof. They should get sort of 18 innocent postmasters and four guilty postmasters and film them, and the innocent ones have to work out who the guilty ones are. And the guilty ones can kill off innocent ones. I don't know if I've got something else on my head, but I think that would be a good show. Yes, indeed, as the old joke goes,

what do the convictions of over 700 sub-postmasters have in common with a tortoise in a fluorescent gimp outfit waggling its legs in the air? They both need to be overturned as soon as possible, but they should not have been allowed to happen in the first place. Former Post Office Chief Executive Paula Van Alts has said that she will return her CBE immediately, although with the state of the postal service at the moment, there's a pretty good chance

it will end up being popped back through her letterbox in eight months' time, with a random Christmas card, a Pools coupon from the 1980s and a very confused iguana. But since the broadcast of Mr Bates vs The Post Office, ITV has been inundated with scripts sent in by people hoping to have their historic injustices resolved through the medium of a primetime drama. Alongside Geoff Norcott vs his local council, we have Mrs Sclutterbridge vs the speed camera,

Mr Wambleterry vs the little bastard from Three Doors Down who keeps throwing eggs at my vintage Ford Capri, and most tantalisingly of all, Arsenal versus VAR. At the end of that round, the scores are three to Ian and Ayesha and two to Shappi and Geoff.

Right, it's a big year for elections this year. Feel the enthusiasm from our studio audience there. Elections here in the UK almost certainly and in the USA. So we're going to do a home or away elections round. Geoff and Shappi?

I'd like to go home, please. 22.46. Not only the year the COVID inquiry is now predicted to end, but also what? Oh, yeah, it's the poll numbers, isn't it? They are less than perfect for the Tories. Yes. It's going to's the poll numbers isn't it they are less than perfect for the tories yes it's gonna be election isn't it rishi sunak has gone balls out he's nailed his colors to the master he said it's going to be sometime in the second half of the year

unequivocally probably that's my working assumption you're not working assumption you're the prime minister mate you know that sounds like the kind of thing I'd say to my wife about a domestic chore. I'd be like, babe, it is my working assumption that we will clear the Christmas tree backlog sometime in the third quarter. I mean, in a way, you could sort of understand his reluctance as a Tory Prime Minister,

given the polls. It's sort of like setting a date for being kicked in the balls by an elephant, isn't it? It's like, it's going to happen, but it's going to hurt. And I have to say, the early't it? It's like, it's going to happen, but it's going to hurt. And I have to say, the early signs are... It's amazing what you can book on the internet. I've got a voucher. I mean, I don't know if anybody... Did anybody see the first PMQs back this week?

I think Starmer called Sunak Mr Nobody, which sounds like the bleakest of Mr Men. And Sunak called Starmer Flip-Flop. And you're like, lads, this banter is painful, man. And I was thinking, you know when they do the live debates, it's going to be a bit like at school, where you know when you egged on the two biggest nerds to have a fight? And then when they did, everyone felt compromised.

And then when the teachers showed up, they weren't even in a rush to stop it because there was no serious risk of injury. You're bringing back some horrible memories for me, Geoff. I mean, he brought back David Cameron. Right, this is the thing. He's really small, OK? He's really small.

So the first thing you do is, before Christmas, he picked a fight over marbles. When you look like an eight-year-old schoolboy, don't even mention marbles. And then he picks David Cameron, who's six foot four, to stand next to him. So it sort of looked like bring your dad back to work day. They've been comebacks.

I mean, David Cameron came back. Liz Trush tried to come back, didn't she, last year at conference? And you're like, ooh, too soon, Liz, too soon. It'd be a bit like if Hugh Edwards was on the next series of Masked Singer, wouldn't it? Too soon. It'd be a bit like if Hugh Edwards was on the next series of Masked Singer, wouldn't it? Too soon, Hugh. You've at least got to do the jungle, mate, you know? So, I mean, it's a good answer, Geoff.

The question was 2246. Sorry, is this a quiz? Oh, did I jump off on the wrong thing? No, it is about the election. Can anyone tell me what the numbers 2246 refer to? That just sounds like a train time, does it? It sounds like a train that's definitely going to get cancelled. 2246, anyone?

I think they might be to do with the Labour Party has quite a commanding lead over the Tory party at the moment. Oh, yeah, is this the percentage who would want Stam or Sunak as Prime Minister? But that leaves 52% who have just gone, no-one. No-one is currently the most popular candidate. The thing is, I'm not like... The idea of a Labour government doesn't sort of, like,

worry me in the way it once did, but I do wish that they have to do something active to win it. It's been handed to them, isn't it? The Tories have imploded, the SNP have imploded. It's a bit like the final scene from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. It's a bit like there's Keir Starmer standing there, carnage everywhere, and he's just got a couple of bags going, if I'm not mistaken, I think we're in the Clare.

Yeah. I know his voice shouldn't matter, but it's not, look. I know it's Radio 4. This isn't the most evolved satire you're ever going to hear, but I get on the one hand people say, like, look, Geoff, we had a very charismatic Prime Minister, look what happened there,

but it feels like we're going all the way to a geezer that would sort of go on an Amsterdam stag do and see museums, you know, like that. Well, Rishi Sunak said that if Keir Starmer gets in, we'll be back to square one. I think, what square do you think we're on now? What square? If this was a game of Monopoly, we'd have lost the dice, spilled coffee all over it, and the water company would be covered in human excrement. Square One sounds like his nickname as a nerd, doesn't it? Like, when he speaks, you go, all right, Square One, leave it. But I hear you've worked in Labour strategy.

Do you not think with the state of the country at the moment, the Conservatives might just have given Labour the ideal campaign slogan? Just back to Square One. Oh, and apparently, like, when it's been focus grouped, people are like, yeah, the idea of kind of erasing the absolute kind of hellscape that we're in right now does sound really, really nice. I mean, it's interesting that Rishi Sunak has sort of said, look, as Geoff said, the working assumption is we're going to have the election in the later part of the year. And I've always thought that because, you know, he doesn't want to go early because the polls are really bad and also it takes about sort of

seven, eight months to reapply for your American green card. I mean, Rishi is irritated. That's the problem, isn't it? It sort of seems like he just won a series of Junior Apprentice, doesn't he? Like he thinks he should win just because he revised enough.

I did an all-nighter with Ollie from year 10. That sounds really bad, take that. And also, I feel like I'm in safe company to say this, but Rishi really leans in to the phrase, the British people. It is like he's trying to hypnotise you by going, what do the British people want? And you're like, I'm a British person.

Yeah, I want that. They want to vote for us again for another 13 years. Like, we do? Okay! It's going to be interesting for the Lib Dems to they've won all these by-elections because they can go round place by place and just say, we'll do whatever you want,

because no-one knows what their policy platform is. So they go, we're the Lib Dems, we want to build houses. And people go, we don't. They go, that's what I said, we don't want to build houses. It's like a rare historic opportunity to really obliterate a party. Like, even if you're not massively anti-conservative, it's funny. It's funny to see someone go from the lead

to, like, nothing. And I think that's where it's heading. Rishi Sunak did a speech in October at the conference. He apparently used the word change 30 times, and now his message is, stick with the plan. And that, I think, shows that in a clever way, he's a man of his word, because he's even changed changing. The concept of changing, he's now changed that

to sticking with a plan, which is a change. I like the guy. I also think it's weird that he's having a go at Keir Starmer and he's saying, all Keir Starmer does is snipe from the sidelines. But that's... He's the opposition. That's what you do. You're given a sideline to snipe from. And I think even when they say,

oh, we haven't heard what Keir Starmer wants to do, I think there's a fairness in that. But also, there hasn't been a general election. You don't need to say anything, really. And also, he's in a position where he's got such a big poll lead that the risk of saying anything... Because you don't know how mad his policies are. He could be saying to people,

come on, let me say one of them. No, come on, we're in the lead. Yeah, but it's a comfortable lead. I could get one out. No, don't say any of these. Come on, let me have one. I've got a podium booked. And he gets out there and he's like,

we should be able to have sex with livestock. We're going to relocate everyone by alphabetical order. If your surname begins with A, you live in Berwick. Anyone switching their radio on at a certain point of Ian's bit there might be thinking, well, the archers has got very racist... LAUGHTER The latest opinion poll by YouGov put Labour and the Conservatives neck and neck. Unfortunately for the government, the necks involved belong to, respectively,

a giraffe and a hippopotamus that's just had a breeze block dropped on its head from a crane. The YouGov poll also asked who would make the best Prime Minister. Only 20% thought that Keir Starmer would make the best Keir Starmer, whilst 73% thought that Penny Morden should be Rishi Sunak. Starmer has perhaps already reached the point where even incompetently eating a bacon sandwich can't derail his bid. He'd pretty much have to slaughter a piglet with his bare hands in front of a nursery school full of Peppa Pig fans

before smearing the blood over his face and saying, see you in Moscow. smearing the blood over his face and saying, see you in Moscow. Right, so, Ian and Aisha, you have the away question. America is bracing itself for an absolute battering from storm election this year, but according to American Attorneys General, from 27 states, preventing Donald Trump running for president

would provoke widespread what? Common sense. Well, they can't have that, to be honest. Use of the word witch hunt. Almost certainly true, but that's not what was in the legal filing. Widespread measured and calm responses. Widespread, measured and calm responses. The answer is chaos.

That stopping Trump from running could provoke chaos. What do you think Trump running might provoke? I mean, it's an incredible choice, isn't it, between two blokes? A bloke that could start a nuclear war out of pettiness and spite and one that could do it just because he missed his nap. Is it out of pettiness and spite, and one that could do it just because he missed his nap. Is it out of the question that they just rig the election in Biden's favour? Because Trump's accused them of doing that when they haven't done it.

If he accuses them of doing it when they have done it, no-one's going to believe him. The people who have voted for Biden won't mind. I know I shouldn't be advocating this, but could we not just rig one election? Yes, America, once again this year, will come face-to-face with its own worst enemy itself. The former British colonial trinket turned global superpower

is set for another Biden v Trump presidential showdown. Like so many addicts, America can't help going back to the things that know will do it harm, in this case, its own decayed democratic process. Whether Trump will be allowed to run at all now depends on a Supreme Court ruling due in February over whether or not the insurrection he insurrected counts as an insurrection or not. So by this time next year, Trump could be set to move into either the White House or a maximum security penitentiary, or both, or a specially reconfigured Oval Office that doubles up as a jail cell.

And whilst many have expressed concern and alarm concern that the combined age of the two likely candidates will be tottering at around the 160 mark, to me, the ages of the candidates should be seen as inspiring, because many people have only achieved their most memorable work later in life. Ian Fleming didn't write his first James Bond novel until he was 44. Colonel Sanders didn't open his first KFC

until he was in his 60s. Donald Trump didn't incite his first insurrection until he was 74. And even the old Queen Mother didn't record her first grime album until she was 98. That brings us to the end of this week's well, the scores are tied.

Thank you very much for listening. Thanks to Shappi Korsandi and Geoff Norcott, Ian Smith and Aisha Hazarika. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Aisha Hazarika, Shappi Korsandi, Geoff Norcott and Ian Smith. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman. And additional material was written by

Cody Darla, Jade Geddy and Mike Sheppard. The producer was Sam Holmes and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Why do so many business ideas that capture the imagination or actually become bestsellers end up toast. I'm Sean Farrington, presenter of the BBC Radio 4 series Toast, which examines exactly that. We'll hear from those who come up with the ideas. This concept was in some ways a kind of busy parent's dream.

Helped build them, battled against their demise. There's this fallacy that internet killed To R Us, and that really is not true. From Toys R Us to Sunny Delight, via Jamie's Italian and Club 18 to 30, Toast will be available in the sliced bread feed on BBC Sounds.