Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 14th June

Episode Date: June 21, 2024

Lucy Porter, Alasdair Beckett-King, Athena Kugblenu and Hugo Rifkind join Andy Zaltzman to quiz the news.This week and the General Election gets closer still, Andy and the Panel will be mulling over the manifestos, inspecting political interviews, and spotlight scandals in the world of competitive eating.Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material by: Christina Riggs, Meryl O'Rourke, Mike Shephard, Herries Anderton & Pete Tellouche Producer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Production Co-ordinator: Sarah Nicholls Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4 An Eco-Audio certified Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Sorry, I am on a call. Hello? Andy Zoltzman. I would like to place a bet. I would like to place a bet on the 70th word I say on this week's news quiz being porcupine. Yes, including these words. No, it has never been the 70th word of the news quiz before.

100 pounds. A thousand to one? Deal. Of course I do not have any inside information on what will be in the porcupine. Get in, ka-ching! Welcome to the newly omniscient News Quiz. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello.

I'm Andy Zaltzman, and I'm well aware that I have a ridiculous job, but I have to say, I've never felt more like a cabinet minister than I have this past week, in that I too have come to the realisation that whatever I say and do will have absolutely no impact on the election result on the 4th of July. Anyway, I sincerely hope both of our teams will at least pretend they think they can win rather than us begging me to let them lose by a dignified margin. And our teams, this week, in a week in which the Conservatives all but admitted defeat and Keir Starmer was accused

of being a political robot, we have team Out Of Office against team Auto Reply. On team Out Of Office, we have Athena Koblenu and Lucy Porter. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on team Auto Reply, Alistair Beckett-King and Hugo Rifkin. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hugo and Alistair can take the first question. Who produced a load of what this week?

Is it? I know this. Oh, is this to us? Well, it can be. Oh, sorry. Athena produced a load of question-stealing techniques. I've learned how to do these things by watching the debates and just talk. Sorry, after you. This is all the manifestos. Yes.

Everyone's got their manifestos this week. I think the Conservatives have the most forlorn manifesto, I think. It's kind of like a sort of marriage guidance therapy manifesto. Kind of going, I can change. And my new boyfriend's really boring. Give me another chance. It's like in no other field of life would it be acceptable to act like the Conservative manifesto. It's like your builder going, you know, I thought we'd give your new conservatory a sort of Palace

of Versailles feel. Cornersing. You're going like, but you built the garage out of mud and it fell down in a week. But it's the chutzpah of it that I quite admire. We'll do it differently next time because we can, just didn't. They don't seem confident. I don't know if you've seen the Tory manifesto, but the cover is a picture of Rishi Sunak clearing his desk. He's putting like gonks and potted plants in a cardboard box. My favourite thing was that they launched it at Silverstone. You know, you think, well, I guess they were thinking, you know, it's racing it's go ahead But you're like that is just so much potential for talk about the wheels coming off

red flags massive car crashes Rishi's got the look of Sometimes when I'm doing a gig and I'm like I've got to do the full time Otherwise, they might not pay me but it's not going very well and I'm like, I've got to do the full time, otherwise they might not pay me, but it's not going very well. LAUGHTER And it's that sort of desperation of just seeing out his time,

isn't it? Just thinking, what did I miss on Sky? LAUGHTER But that's why he went to Silverstone, right? Because Formula One's on Sky now. So he was like, finally! LAUGHTER See the shrak in the flesh. It's amazing. Good for you, Rishi. It's a full circle moment for you. Good for you.

We also had the Labour manifesto, of course, just today. Yesterday, or whatever, on Thursday. But it was the front of the evening standard. It said Keir Starmer wants to relight Britain's fire. And I thought his speech was sort of amazing because he basically said, how can we escape this feeling of insecurity? Because I need you so much, and I'm not sure you really need me. But if we all stand up, etc. For me, Starmer's Labour government is going to be like Turkish Delights. You know, go with me. You know, when you read the Chronicles of Narnia, you hear about Turkish Delights, and I spent my entire adult life thinking I would love Turkish Delights,

and then when you actually try Turkish Delight, this is horrible, I hate this. I'm not enjoying this at all. I had the same with lions from regional Chronicles. I'm really disappointed. Isn't it a vital theme always of, like, Labour governments, that Labour voters don't like them? It's not just always happened. You know, it's like Labour sort of in its tireless war against the real enemy, that is Labour.

And that's still a good amount of in-fighting. I mean, it does look like Labour's going to win, but they're not taking it lying down. They're not going up without a fight. I'm not going to enjoy it. I enjoyed the Labour manifesto just because of the sheer volume of pictures of Keir Starmer. It's only like 36 pictures of him, which is going to make it a lot easier to make my calendar. It's three years worth, isn't it?

It is. I mean, I only use the head and I just stick it on Ken Bruce's body, but... I read the Manifesto. It does have some really radical things. They're going to build one... Well, they say they're going to build one and a half million Council homes because Angela Rainer is gonna flip a few of them for profit But still ambitious I'm happy to hear that when they launched it because they launched it in Manchester I don't know if that was listening to the news and it said oh when Kissed armor launched his manifesto and he was flanked by Angela Rayner and Rachel Reeve and I did mishear that. God, he's really trying to up his interest level there.

Well, as he launched the manifesto, he promised a decade of what? Pictures for my calendar. Change is the big word word isn't it but it is but it's kind of like the Labour pitch a colleague of mine put it's basically Britain needs change but don't worry we won't do it having said that there's some bold stuff in there potholes we're gonna sort out the potholes big big deal big deal for Labour. According to Labour, there are more potholes on London roads than there are craters on the surface of the moon.

Although the parking is worse on the moon, so swings and roundabouts. Which is another thing they don't have on the moon. The pothole problem is, you know, there are a lot of potholes and Labour are committed to sorting out a million potholes a year. And there are two ways to deal with potholes. One of them is you fill them in, and the other is you join them up.

LAUGHTER It's a much cheaper way of reducing the number of potholes. We just have one massive pothole stretching between Watford and Aberdeen. It's a really good excuse for being late. You're like, oh, I'm sorry I'm late, I'm in the mega-hole. LAUGHTER I know what they should do with potholes, they should fool them up with sand and then there's sand pits everywhere.

The thing is you turn them into sand pits and Ed Davey will be in there. He's got a bucket and spade at the ready hasn't he? Always. He's having the best time of his bloody life. I didn't even read the Lib Dem manifesto, what's in that? I don't think they've read it either. It's just all the things that Davy's going to do. It's like one of those catalogues for Red Letter Day adventures.

Ballooning, pogo sticks, all that. His vibe is the vibe of, it's like your mum has left your dad because he's a bit dull. And he's like, I'll show her dull. Put a boring man get a makeover on this morning. because he's a bit dull. And he's like, I'll show her dull. LAUGHTER Could a boring man get a makeover on this morning? I don't know what Ed Davey sounds like, so that's an impression of my dad. Could a boring man go on a log flume with three senior Lib Dems?

I'd like to see that. Does her new boyfriend Keith go zorbing? I don't think he does. LAUGHTER Was it a decade of national renewal? Ah. Yes. What does that mean? Is it like, are we like a big library book? And we've got to renew ourselves every four weeks. What does it mean, Andy?

Yeah, make-up. What does it mean? A lot of exfoliating and... A spa day, a spa day for everyone, that's what it means. Mud, mud packs, avocados, cucumbers. I've never been on a spa day, I don that's what it means. Mud, mud packs, avocados, cucumbers. I've never been on a spa day, I don't know what you do. I think it's mostly vegetables, yeah. I'm not sure I want a whole decade of a national renewal.

I'll be really old in a decade. Can I not get it done in like six months? And then we can just have a nice country for the rest of it. Also, is that mad? I don't know if we need a decade of, I mean, looking at the state of things now, if you just promised us an afternoon of mild competence. They were all about sticking plaster politics a little while ago. I thought

that was a good slogan, they've dropped that one. What's wrong with sticking plaster politics? It's better than no sticking plaster politics. It's better than just bleed on the floor politics. I guess the problem is if you've just had your leg chainsawed off. Would you rather have a sticking plaster or no sticking plaster? LAUGHTER I feel like if the person who'd written the Labour Party manifesto was taking their 11+, they'd do really well,

because they're really good at opposite words and at key stage two that's vital so like chaos, stability, you know disorder, order, like well done whoever wrote it because I hear they like grammar schools so they'll probably get in. And the Tories have gone their two things, clear plan, bold action, no chance. LAUGHTER If I were a Tory now, I would just be really chilled out about it. Because, you know, for me it would be like the last day of school. I'd just be getting other Tories to sign my shirts.

I'd be tying Rishi Sunak's tie around his head like Rambo. I'd bring in a board game. Yeah, like being really rude to the speaker, wouldn't you? Yeah, a little bit sarcastic. Yeah. What are you going to do? You can't do nothing to me, sir, now. Both parties have been accusing the other of having uncosted and expensive manifestos. Where's streeting of Labour called a Conservative manifesto the most expensive what in history?

Toilet paper. LAUGHTER The correct answer is panic attack. OK. manifesto the most expensive what in history? toilet paper The correct answer is panic attack. Okay, is that fair Hugo? Well, yeah I they are sort of floundering like I said They are sort of throwing everything at the wall trying to find the policy that somebody somewhere all vote for right? So yeah, fair enough. I like West Streeting. I'm really intrigued to see it in what manner I hate him in about three years time That's the joy of a change of government, isn't it? The Reform Party don't have a manifesto, do they? They've got some sort of policy document.

Policy document! They've got a back of a napkin that says, send them back! LAUGHTER Farage is waiting for someone to throw some printer ink at him so he can... LAUGHTER I've seen their policy document and it's still got the picture of the old leader on it, with the word draft, so I just do wonder why they get invited places

when they don't even have a proper document with the actual information on it that's correct. I know, the side of a bus would do. I didn't want to just dismiss reform as like little England of fascists, so I also downloaded the policy document and translated it from the original German. I think we're pronouncing the name wrong because reform I always thought something weird about that because it sounds like a left-wing party reform like progress but I think it's meant to be reform like in Terminator 2 when they smash the team 2000 into little bits and

then he reforms into the ultimate killing machine. I think that's what we're dealing with. Or like you know supermarket ham where it's like... They just call it what? Reconstituted? Yes, that is it. It's been reformed into the shape of Nigel Farage. I'm never eating ham again. Let's look at some of the other parties policies as announced in their manifestos, but we're going to make it a bit challenging for our panelists. So we're going to start with a Lib Dem policy in which there is one wrong word. You have to tell me what the wrong word is and what the correct word should be and the Lib Dems policy is we are going to clamp down on budgie smugglers. That's my vote right there. Absolutely. If I don't have to see a

German's penis when you go Euro camping. Are you going to see it less, so it's got a clamp on it? LAUGHTER Is it people smugglers? Not people, no. Well, cos that would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? We love them. Is it 19th-century smugglers, as featured in Daphne du Maurier's Jamaica Inn? LAUGHTER

I think that was in the draft manifesto, when it didn't pull well with the focus groups. Cos that would be fun. That would be swashbuckling. I don't know if I should confess to this, but, like, when I was younger, I would go to concerts, and I figured out I could fit a miniature bottle of alcohol under each boob, and I'd always wear, like, an underwired bra, and I'd stick a couple... Just one under each one, guys. I wasn't that blessed.

Oh, I can get a range of optics under mine these days. LAUGHTER I think the correct answer is, I was under each one, guys. I wasn't that blessed. LAUGHTER Oh, I can get a range of optics under mine these days. LAUGHTER I think the correct answer is pets, like dogs and cats. And throughout the policy document, they talk about, like, dog thieves and cat thieves, and there are so many more interesting ways that you can describe the stealing of pets,

and they don't use any of them. I've written a short list. Catnapping. Misappropriation. Grand theft bow-wow. Purloinment. I can count purrs. I could go on. Pet-tea larceny.

That's all I could come up with, but still... APPLAUSE ..people are smuggling lovely little cats and dogs. Yeah. Point of order. Yes. If the correct answer to this is that it's about pet smuggling... Yep...I put it to you that a budgie is a pet. LAUGHTER They didn't specifically say budgie.

I mean, I think... This includes budgie smuggling. The Lib Dems didn't say, we're going to clamp down on pet smuggling unless it's say budgie. This includes budgie smuggling. The Lib Dems didn't say we're going to clamp down on pet smuggling unless it's a budgie, in which case fill your literal boots. Can I get this straight? So this is an election with like real issues and NHS waiting lists and like early years childcare costs and potholes. Why do you hate budgies, Athena? And also like cats don't need to be smuggled, they'll bugger off of their own accords. Let's move on to our next policy. Again,

one wrong word, this applied Kumri policy, we demand more funding for necromancy. What's the wrong word? Oh, it's funding, they want more candles. What's the wrong word? It's funding, they want more candles. Just us. Yeah, in a bizarre twist, Plaid Cymru are interested in Wales. Smuggling them or...? Let's have a conservative policy now, one word is wrong in here. We are going to deliver the biggest humiliation in over 100 years Humiliation is the wrong word. It should be baby Old babies look like Winston Churchill, but they're gonna deliver one that's actually the size

That's gonna be the biggest prison building program in over a hundred years Wow They've got to have somewhere they put all the people they gave PPE contracts to. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Another bit of insider knowledge they've used there. I think this is shocking, actually. If you read the policy, and you won't believe this when I say it, they're planning to build ginger-only prisons. I don't know why you're laughing. Look at the manifesto. They're planning to build four types of prison, ones for gingers and then scary, sporty and baby.

LAUGHTER What about posh people? That would be silly. Posh people never go to prison. LAUGHTER Bit of satire there. LAUGHTER Yeah, they have promised to build more prisons. If it's anything like the Johnson administration's pledge

to build more hospitals, we can all look forward to Wormwood Scrubs being designated as brand new after they stick a please do not escape sticker on the prison gates. Three million annual visitors to the Tower of London will be whacked onto the prison population stats. The M62 will be redefined as a jail after a particularly annoying traffic jam. And Drellard Butt-Clark,, the under sub minister for national decline, will say are we not all prisoners of our own minds? There are now 68 million prisoners in the country so it's a policy that could could well work out.

They did build them like about a million houses since 2019 but Jeremy Hahn owns all of them. Green's policy now, rather than one word wrong, there are some missing words from this Lucy and Athene, can you tell me what the missing words are? And the Green say we are going to scrap universities and achieve zero by 2040. We are going to scrap blue WKD in university and achieve zero unplanned late teen pregnancy. They're green, so they're going to scrap universities lawn mowers because you're supposed to let your lawns grow and if you let your lawns grow the bees come back and my memory of university was that it had a massive lawn because I was sick in it a lot.

They're going to scrap what? Parts of universities? They're going to scrap universities' tuition fees. That is good. And achieve net zero. So those were the missing words. That's odd because they're not really related, are they? Why would you put them in the same sentence? Yes, if manifestos be the food of democracy, the entire nation is now face down over a toilet bowl vomiting uncontrollably after chowing down on some seriously

undercooked ingredients. As always the contents of the manifestos can be uniquely divided into three categories. One, things that won't happen because that party won't be in power. Two, things that won't happen because there is no money left for anything. And three, things that won't happen because they're obviously insane. Labour with a whopping lead in the opinion polls are going to have to surpass even themselves to screw things up from here. But they've offered votes for 16 and 17 year olds, funded I think by taking votes away from 34 and 57 year olds.

The Conservatives are pushing a programme of tax cuts which seems to be based on the premise that after 14 years in power there is absolutely no way people will believe they can actually do anything. Clearly this is a tough sell for the Conservatives after 14 years in power with the nation at large in a state of advanced harumph. A sales pitch reminiscent of a daughted-or hairdresser turning up with one pair of scissors sticking out of their forehead, another rammed into their ear, blood running down their face and a roadkill Badger's tail gaffer taped to their scalp saying, could I possibly interest you in a haircut?

For the parties with no hope of winning or even sharing power, there has been a disappointing lack of creativity. When you can offer anything knowing that you will not have to follow it through, Reform UK could be offering a new inflatable decoy Britain that they can just pump up and float out into the Atlantic to hoodwink all the asylum grunts. The Greens could offer a new mountain range for East Anglia just to perk things up. And the Conservatives, a personal nuclear deterrent for every household. Let's move on now to the various interviews we've had this week.

Starmer and Sunak were both interviewed by Beth Rigby on Sky. Starmer said that he is relishing the opportunity to make what in 10 Downing Street, bearing in mind this is a family show. LAUGHTER Is it a croquembouche? Ooh! It's not the correct answer. Any other questions? It's not he correct answer. Any other questions?

It's not he's looking forward to the opportunity to make love to Tony Blair. While he's dressed as Margaret Thatcher. In and out of 10 Downing Street. No? No, it's not that. OK. Right. Where did that idea come from, Hugo? It's just an idea I've always had. Is it he's looking forward to his first Covid party?

They said he's looking forward to making the big decisions. Like which left-wing MP to sack next? They're obsessed with decisions, the political class. For Labour it's big decisions, for the Tories it's hard decisions. And it kind of irritates me because the people who are affected by those decisions are never the people who are proud of being able to make them. It's like there are people in the country who are choosing between heating and eating. That's a big decision. Like I haven't got a joke but I'm so angry. In the interview with ITV that Rishi Sudhak prematurely left the D-Day memorials for,

he said he'd heart-breakingly gone without what as a child? LAUGHTER Speaking as a member of the Growing Up Without Sky community... LAUGHTER ..can I just say thank you to Rishi Sunak for that? I didn't see an episode of The Simpsons until it came to the BBC in 1996. A full six years after my slightly more middle-class neighbours saw it on Sky. I told myself I wasn't going to do this, I'm sorry.

If he had seen The Simpsons, at least he'd know what a working-class family looked like, I suppose. I wondered if he meant when he said that he wasn't allowed sky when he was a kid that he meant like the company. Because he could buy it now. It is interesting that you know they're trying to pretend they're less posh than they are because like you know my mom and dad desperately tried to pretend they were more posh than that. My mum used to say, broccoli. LAUGHTER

My parents used to pretend they were posh. They used to buy branded stuff once and keep the container, and then they'd fill it up with a non-branded equivalent over and over. We had a bottle of fairy liquid, 20 years that lasted. LAUGHTER Yes, the polls after the show suggested that more people thought Star Mart had won, and as an English person, I have to say, I found it an excellent way to gear up for Euro 2024, watching an Englishman grind out a workman-like but unconvincing result devoid of flared imagination, but suggesting that as soon as things get difficult, the whole thing will probably fall

apart. LAUGHTER And not a lot from the left wing as always. Do these kind of shows and debates change anyone's mind? Well it's hard to tell. Would watching two rhinoceroses eating a saxophone make you want to go to a jazz club? I guess the answer is maybe, but probably not. Right,, that brings us to the end of our extremely long election round. LAUGHTER Was that all the first question? That was the first question. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And it's six points all. LAUGHTER Let's have a bit of a palate cleanse around with some other news from around the world. This can go to Hugo and Alistair. Who will not be retaining his title on the 4th of July? Is Sir Mix-A-Lot returning his OBE? It's Lord Mix-A-Lot now, of course.

I'm sorry. I've got a death on his card. But no, it's not. This is the hot dog guy. It is, correct. There's a man who eats hot dog. And that sounds mental. There's lots of men who eat hot dogs.

There's a particular man who eats hot dogs. Yes. Who's called Joey Chestnut. Correct. He's a champion of eats hot dogs, and that sounds mental, there's lots of men who eat hot dogs. There's a particular man who eats hot dogs, who's called Joey Chestnut. He's a champion of eating hot dogs, but he's started eating vegan hot dogs, and the makers of the non-vegan hot dogs, the ones that are made of actual dog, are really upset and have kicked him out of the hot dog competition.

And this is news. It's huge news. He's also, he's a champion of lots of kinds of eating hot dog competition. Yeah. And this is news. It's huge news. He's also, he's champion of lots of kinds of eating, this man. He's also once ate 141 hard boiled eggs in eight minutes, which is a lot. Yeah. Yeah. And you think that's not going to smell good for days out of thought. I mean, you can see why after all that you'd prefer a vegan hot dog to be honest. But there you go. His nickname is Jaws. Joey Jaws Chestnut.

Because I looked this up, like a shark, I am afraid of him. It's his slogan, we're going to need a bigger belt. Thank you. Doug, does this mean, he's not retaining his title on the 4th of July. Does this mean on the day we are going to vote, we are going to be missing the hot dog eating championships? Yeah. What are inconveniently scheduled?

LAUGHTER I think he's called Jaws. I mean, that is the obvious bit of your body you're going to use to eat the hot dog. LAUGHTER If he was called Arse, you'd really wonder, wouldn't you? LAUGHTER Is this a last-minute entrant as a contender...

LAUGHTER ..for the Major League Eating Contest Is this a last-minute entrant as a contender for the major league eating contest with a radical new approach to the game? I misunderstood the phrase last minute entrance there entirely. He's got a whole crockenbush up there. It is really, in reality, I think it is just all about money. It's just that he's gone with a sponsor that doesn't sponsor the main game and they don't like that.

He happens to have chosen one that makes vegan hot dogs and that has upset some of the broad minded intellectuals who enjoy competitive eating. Right, so with the scores tied, we go into our tiebreaker final round. So can either team tell me which world famous continent, famous for having experienced some fairly significant glitches when drifting to the right politically, has in recent elections drifted to the right politically?

Is it Europe? Correct. So there's been, you know, European elections, a lot of far-right parties have done quite well and Emmanuel Macron thought, I'm looking at the UK, they're having a snap election, I fancy one of those because I did stay for the whole of D-Day so I've got nothing to worry about. But probably what it is is that Emmanuel Macron's looked at what fun Ed Davey is having. I've always wanted to dissolve, but I will do it. You've got to feel bad for Brexitors, haven't you? Just after they leave and Europe goes to the right. Come on, you know, it's like getting divorced just before your wife metamorphosises into a Victoria's

Secret model. It's everything they dreamt of and now it's happening for someone else because they've got them bloody left. Poor them. I don't understand it. Why would you think, oh everybody's voting for people who aren't me, I know what I'll do, I'll let them vote. It feels a bit odd. It's like it's bad parenting isn't it? It's what I remember doing this when I took my kids to a fair once and my sister had given them 20 quid because she's like that and they wanted to spend it all on the sweets and the candy floss and the fudge and I was like no look you're gonna make yourselves really sick and then eventually I went alright fine

Just do it fine, and they went off and spent all their money on sweets and still remember it as the best day of their entire day Your kids now vote for hard-right political party Yeah, they associate fascism with the sweet, sweet taste of candy flour. Right, well, that brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz, and Lucy and Athena have won. Congratulations. Thank you very much for listening. I've been Andy Zoltsman. Goodbye. Taking part in the News Quiz were Alistair Beckett-King, Athena Kiblenu, Hugo Rifkin and Lucy Porter.

In the chair was me and his altman. An additional material was written by Christina Riggs, Harry's Anderton, Merrill O'Rourke, Mike Sheppard and Peter Toulouse. The producer was Sam Holmes and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Can you just tell me who he is? No. Has he got any distinguishing features? His anonymity. What's his name?

Banksy. I'm James Peake and I'm on a mission to find out how Banksy became the world's most famous and infamous living artist. He could literally be anyone. Banksy essentially humiliates the art world. With dealers, critics and someone who once worked deep inside Banksy's secret team. Do you wish you didn't know everyone? Sometimes I wish I'd never heard of Banksy.

The Banksy Story with me, James Peake on Radio 4. Listen now on BBC Sounds. How's he smell? Like paint.