Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 19th May

Episode Date: June 16, 2023

Topical panel quiz show, taking its questions from the week's news stories.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello. Hello, welcome to the News Quiz. I'm Andy Zaltzman. It is a bit of a sombre week to be doing the show, a week in which it seems that the last vestige of hope has finally been extinguished, and 3D scans have shown the Titanic did definitely sink. We will try to lighten the mood. Our teams this week, in a week in which we've received

another alarming climate warning, and politicians have reaffirmed their entrenched views on things, we have Team Catastrophe against Team Dogma. Let's call it Cat v Dog. On Team Cat, we have Neil Delamere and Ashley Storey. And on Team Dog, Jeff Norcott and the deputy editor of The Spectator, Freddie Gray. Neil and Ashley, the first question goes to you.

According to the Office for National Statistics, more than 2.5 million people in the UK are currently not working. Why? Why bother? Because it's hard and difficult. Are we not working because we've all been injured? We're all ill and sick and injured. That's correct.

And the main thing is, and this is deeply embarrassing, it's not like real injuries. It's sitting wrong. We've been sitting on chairs wrong and that means our spines hurt. I looked it up and the lady said you have to sit up straight and your elbows should be

at a 90 degree angle as you type and that's how you stop your back from hurting just getting in that shape to demonstrate it on radio which I realize as stupid as I do it hurt me physically so I don't know how I'm supposed to sit to not be in pain but I'm in pain constantly how are you feeling Neil that is that's a deeper philosophical question to to be perfectly honest with you. Yeah, apparently it's people who are working from home and they've got injured sitting in the wrong way and also mental health issues among younger people.

Now, I know my older relatives are listening to this, losing their minds, going, we went to work, we never missed a day of work, and you had all your vaccinations and we didn't have vaccinations. Do you know how they vaccinated Granny when she was your age? Holy water, that's all they had for everything. Broken leg, holy water, schizophrenia, you had all your vaccinations and we didn't have vaccinations. Do you know how they vaccinated Granny when she was your age? Holy water.

That's all they had for everything. Broken leg, holy water. Schizophrenia, holy water. She fell in a well once. They just blessed the well. That was Granny. That was Granny. And she would have gotten rabies except her whooping cough

scared that dog away. The dog ran up and went, and Granny went, and the dog went, you can't catch her twice. So I think, in summary, that's how I feel. Yeah, I mean, this episode of the News Quiz was supposed to have another five comedians on, but they were all too ill to come.

So, I mean... It's a bit of a concern for the country, isn't it? I think one in 14 people who could be working are unable to do so because of health issues. Yeah, health issues, or are they just staying at home seeing if Phil and Holly actually punch each other? I think, you know, it's interesting, you know what Neil says about young people, though.

They've been through a lot, haven't they? If you went to school during the COVID years, I knew my temperature every day for a year and a half. You know what I mean? I had to take a lateral flow test before I could go in the sandpit. I watched my mother breastfeed my little brother wearing a welder's mask. So, you know, maybe I will have one or two strange sexual fetishes

as I age. There was a guy in the back there that laughed way too strange. He's like, already there, mate, already there. But then I'll say, how do you call in sick when you go, you know, I've got an injury and I won't be able to come in the office? You go, you're already not coming into the office. It's like, yeah, but I won't be able to go downstairs and work. They go, well, you're only send him free emails every eight hours.

I mean, I'll go for the extreme right-wing take. I would say out of the two and a half million people that are long-term sick, there may be one or two that are slightly taking liberties. I can contribute to the extreme right-wing take, because the spectator's figure is that it's 5.3 million.

It's double. Double as many people calling off sick. A lot of it's long COVID, which, you know, has anyone here got long COVID? That is a trick question. Don't tell them anything. I think it's long furlough. I mean, is it, Freddie,

in your coverage of this in the in the spectator is this a sort of a long-term problem now in it in the economy is it something i think so yeah and i think i mean it does tie into and again i'm going to sound very right-wing so bear with me it ties into the net migration figure because we have so many people now on uh long-term sick benefits uh that we are importing a whole new you know 700 000 is the net figure that's going to come out next week uh that's about the city of southampton and what just stack southamptons on top of each just endless endless southamptons uh building up on top of each other yes it it's it's actually a really i'm trying to make a joke about this but it's actually quite a bad problem I think your approach

I'm sorry I'm going to sound really right wing I think Swena Bravman could do with a dose of that couldn't she little heads up, this one's going to be a bit ripe does it have to be Southampton just nothing, no shade on the people be Southampton? Just nothing, no shade on the people of Southampton.

It's not, you know... Are there other cities we could have...? I don't know any other cities that are about 700,000. I tell you, right now, there's a geeky bloke in the audience thinking, I do. Go on, say it. Well, Edinburgh's about that, isn't it? It turns out it's Andy. I'm literally a professional geek, Geoff.

Yes, the Office for National Statistics, which claims its figures are more than 73% accurate at least 56% of the time, has revealed that more than 2.5 million people are not working due to health problems. Now, aside from the long-form tragedies of our national COVID-ishly aggravated physical and mental health epidemic,

other reasons given for missing work include realising that there is more to life than the endless carnivorous competition of the capitalist rat race dream, being bored of politicians banging on about hard-working families, despite the fact that successive governments have made it well-nigh impossible

to get the kids even an entry-level labouring job these days, being MP for Uxbridge and South Ryslip, or just not really fancying getting at best minimum wage for picking asparagus to be nibbled on at a boozy lunch at which multimillionaire stock market gamblers and political bigwigs whinge about how no-one wants to do any real work any more. We're now going to move on to related questions on this topic

in a round we're calling One Wrong Word, because getting a single word wrong can make all the difference as anyone who's ever said don't instead of do at a wedding can testify what i'm going to do here is paraphrase something said this week by a leading political figure but one word i will get deliberately wrong our panelists have to tell me what that word is and what word or word should be in its place. As an example, this week, Jeremy Hunt said, all of you, just go to hell. Now, the wrong word is hell. What he actually meant was the office.

Encouraging people to stop working from home so much. So, Geoff and Freddie, tell me the one wrong word in this paraphrase from Suella Braverman this week. She said words to the effect, ordinary British people should be shot. Which one word is wrong? I think it's ordinary

she meant all. Or instead of shot she'd be tasered until they get a job. Just repeatedly tasered. That's warmer, actually. That's getting warmer. I thought it might be British. It's a global Britain.

It's a post-Brexit shooting of all people. It's ordinarily wrong, and it's just non-British people should be shot. Because that seems bang on trend for her. Well, it's a good answer, but it's the wrong one. No, I think the real answer is it should be trained to be fruit pickers and labourers. Yes, lorry drivers and... Lorry drivers and labourers, yeah. I mean, it's not that unreasonable, is it?

The problem with fruit picking, there's no real career ladder there, or is there? I don't know, like, you start on the gooseberries and they go, look, you could be doing... You could be doing melons by autumn. Why doesn't Braverman look to her own party? I mean, you know, 80,000 Tory members picked a lettuce to be the Prime Minister.

I think the Tory party are in self-destruct mode, so I think what she really meant was ordinary people should be trained to be fruit pickers and then shot. This is lorry drivers as well, though, isn't it? Yeah. Gove. Michael Gove would make a great lorry driver. Apparently he can stay awake all night. Freddie, this speech was made at the rather curious National Conservatism Conference.

Yes. Aside from the slight historical taintedness of political organisations with the word national on the front, it was quite a bizarre conference, but people seem to interpret this as Braverman gearing up for a potential future leadership bid. Is that something that we should all be absolutely terrified about? Quite possibly. that um something that we should all be absolutely terrified about quite possibly i i was there at the uh nazi but i missed suella's speech but the funny thing was it's it's really it's a bunch of sort of uh

right-wing american intellectuals came over and put on this conference what they didn't expect was to watch the tory party eat itself alive while they wanted to talk about you know the free market versus protectionism they had to listen to suella bravo and essentially making a leadership pitch and i think it's it's probably true to say that she's now gearing up to quit. And Rishi Sunak hates her. I was looking at some of the American speakers at that conference and I was thinking, whoa, the cloakroom there is actually a cloakroom. If she's going for Rishi's job, those are small shoes to fill. If there's even talk of Swala Bhavan leading the party,

I think that they've burnt through a lot of talent, haven't they, really? With Brexit and Covid. And I think they're soon going to have some time to reflect. Yes, despite Brexit having, as promised, enabled us to fill our long-cherished national dream of watching unpicked British strawberries slowly rotting in our fields every summer, Home Secretary Suella Brabhaman has controversially advocated

training British people to pick fruit, with Rishi Sunak's leadership having dragged on now for an epic eight months. Some took Brabhaman's speech as a sign that she's manoeuvring into positions of challenge for the leadership. Our next one word wrong question goes to Neil and Ashley and this is from Prime Minister Rishi

Sunak who this week said I want to bring the bastards down. What is the one wrong word in that and what did he actually say? I think that's spot on. Is bastards wrong and Cub Scouts?

What's his beef with the Scouts, do you say, Neil? I don't... He never got his badges. He's furious. He tried very hard for his road crossing badge over and over again and he just couldn't do it because his feet were too small and they kept slipping between the stanks. Thank you for that information.

Can we talk about... Inform, educate and entertain. Reefy and Ballywood. Can we talk about his trousers? They're really annoying me. Why'd they go halfway down his legs? You're the first Hindu Prime Minister. Calves are sacred. I shouldn't see yours. Any suggestions for what?

Inflation. No, it's not inflation. Oh. Oh, look, he genuinely thought he got the right answer. I watched the lights go out in your eyes. A bell went off in my brain. You're having a stroke, I think. It's a number, as in bring net migration down, because, I mean, despite the government's stated ambition

to get net migration down to under 100,000 a year, it's currently surging and could hit apparently 675,000, meaning if that continues, let me just run the stats quickly, the entire population of the world will live in Britain in less than 12,000 years' time. So politically it's something that has to be addressed. I mean, clearly this is an issue that they are homing in on. Is it working for them, the Conservatives?

It doesn't seem to be in the polls. I think Rishi Sunak wants to bring it down from a Southampton to a kind of Milton Keynes. I think Rishi Sunak wants to bring it down from a Southampton to a Milton Keynes. I think that's the target. It's very odd, isn't it, that Brexit was this very controversial subject and has actually ended up meaning more migration, immigration,

drastically more. I think a lot of people are very confused by that because they thought they were voting to bring immigration down and it's gone up. It's almost like it wasn't explained before you voted. So now you have a lot of Brexiteers suddenly becoming very pro-immigration, because Brexit has given us an enormous amount of immigrants.

We're talking about legal migration. These are all visas that are given, and I find it very odd when the government says, you know, nothing we can really do about this. Just tell the Home Office to give out less visas. It doesn't seem that complicated. I cannot believe you said that on Radio 4. It's fewer visas.

LAUGHTER I'd actually... I'd actually... I'd actually... I'd fail the immigration test. That's an extra point for linguistic pedantry. That's what we want on this show. Right, another question now. This can go to Neil and Ashley.

Jeremy Hunt this time. He was talking again about people working from home and he said, tell me which is the one wrong word here. People working from home means that businesses are missing out on those valuable arse-on-the-photocopier moments. What's the one wrong word there? Again, I think you're reading from the wrong script. I'm pretty sure that's exactly what the man said.

Well, it's hyphenated. Ask on the photocopier. I think I remember this. Watercooler moments. That's what we're missing. Those conversations by the watercooler. That's what's keeping Britain's economy down. Nothing to do with trading relationships.

Didn't Hunt say that he wants work to be the default? You have to be... Working at the office, yes. In the office rather than in your gaff. What if you work in the home office? I've always wondered that. We're getting into very complex philosophical territory here.

What is home? What is office? More from the moral maze next week. I mean, how important is it? I assume you've both studied the economic figures on how much difference it makes. We have, but I'll let Freddie go with this one. Is it that important for our national

workforce to use trains that don't work, paying money they don't have to do jobs they don't want to do? That's essentially what Hunt seems to be saying. That's how the economy works. That's reassuring. I don't know. I think Jeremy Hunt's very worried about this. He's said it quite a lot, that he's worried about the office cultures being lost.

And nobody cares. I mean, it is funny, isn't it, like how emasculated politics is now, is that the Chancellor has to sort of go, well, maybe people should, I don't know, go to work. People are like, how dare you, this toxic right-wing narrative from this government. Absolutely ceaseless.

And it's not do the work, it's you might have some fun by the water cooler. Yeah, I mean, Matt Hancock couldn't have said that one, could he? Yes, indeed, it is a truth universally acknowledged that Jeremy Hunt is the most inspirational figure in the country. And this week, the Chancellor of not just the Exchequer, but also of our hearts, took it upon himself to eyeball us like a First World War recruitment poster and say, your country needs you to go back to the office please uh hunters said

that working from home creates a lack of creativity and he should know he works from home in 11 downing street and the most creative thing he's come up with is pressing ctrl c on some bits he found in an old word document on the 11 downing street computer called georgie's austerity ideas 2010 the work from home boom was accelerated by the pandemic of course but has long been fueled on the 11 Downing Street computer called Georgie's Austerity Ideas 2010. The work-from-home boom was accelerated by the pandemic, of course, but has long been fuelled by celebrities such as the Pope, the Queen and all Prime Ministers since 1735. Of course, some jobs are very tough to do from home.

For example, zookeeper. Throwing handfuls of fish into your own living room doesn't feel quite as useful as it does in the context of a penguin enclosure, for example. Town crier really puts a limit on your range, as well as even you get exposed to allegations of statutory nuisance under the Environmental Protection Act 1990. Thank you, Brussels. This is the first radio ad you can smell.

The new Cinnabon Pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Also tough to do from home, hitman and nuclear weapons tester. Let's move on now with the scores tantalisingly poised at ten points all to some world news stories. Let's go to both teams.

Our featured chess move on the news, Chris, this week is world leader to G7. And ahead of their get-together in Hiroshima, the G7 were urged to unite against what? Anyone? I'm scared to say it in case I'm wrong, but was it China? Was Liz Truss telling them to get together

and get against China? I mean, I know the news... Liz Truss is no longer a G7 leader, sadly. But she did say that. China was one of the... Also, there was another option. Nuclear weapons. Oh, that makes more sense.

Although Liz Truss did go to Taiwan and started talking about China just to convince everyone. Which is a bit awkward, Liz Truss in Taiwan, because a lot of other countries don't necessarily recognise Liz Truss as a former prime minister. And also, if you wanted to bring down the Chinese government, Liz Truss slagging them isn't the plan. Send her in and give her three weeks in their government and then it'll be done. Liz Trust saying something's a threat to the UK,

it's like Covid having a pop at bird flu, isn't it? What can we really do? We want to be in a situation where we're fighting a proxy war against Russia and China. I think what we just need to say is go, look, please don't. Just say that. Just say... I mean, this G7 isn't a G7, really, because they're inviting various other Indo-Pacific nations. It's like Eurovision, isn't it? The moment they invited Australia, it's gone.

Freddie, a question for you now. In America, can you tell me who has found themselves this week dangerously exposed, dangling from the ceiling in a compromising position and trying to get out with their dignity intact? Well, that'll be Joe Biden and the debt ceiling.

I'm very glad you asked me about the debt ceiling because it's great comedy material. This happens every year in America. There's a sort of bipartisan fight about whether they should raise the debt ceiling, which is currently about 31 trillion, and they play a game of brinkmanship, a sort of game of chicken,

and in the end they just eventually always raise the debt ceiling. Joe Biden was not going to go to Japan because it looked like the debt ceiling row might keep him, but then everyone realised he doesn't know what's going on anyway, and so they may as well send him to Japan. You'd have seen him walking down the steps with an umbrella that he couldn't open. And I think that's the real concern this time, is that normally everyone knows, the Republicans know, the Democrats know,

that neither side is going to actually do this and trigger a sort of global economic crisis by America missing out on its debt payments. But the problem with Joe Biden is everyone doesn't quite know if he knows that that's what's going on. It is weird that the two front-runner guys in American politics for the last four years have been so old, you know. And then you've got Joe Biden, and then people say,

well, you know, you do jokes about him, he's ageist. No, it's having lived and observed men, really. They're not that in the game. And Trump gets to seem like the younger man. Have you seen him on the golf course now when he takes a shot? And as soon as he hits the ball, he looks at the camera and he says, could Joe Biden do that? And that is the bar for becoming the next US president. Yes, the debt ceiling, $31.4 trillion, and it's going to need to go higher or America could be repossessed by the bailiffs

and presumably return to its previous owners. So welcome back to the mothership, our American friends uh final round today with the scores now 12 to team dog 10 to team cat is a music round uh i have to complete the classic lyric as updated to fit a new story this week for example the elton john lyric what do i say when it's all over sorry seems to be be the. Should be finished this week with absolute bare minimum, given that we've blasted millions of tonnes of raw sewage into your waterways due to years

of underinvestment. There are 11 million musical acts on Spotify. I've written them out longhand on this wheel of fortune. I will spin it now and give our panellists a lyric from whichever musical act it stops on. Let's spin the wheel. And for you, Freddie, you have got...

Freddie, you have got Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Now, complete this Frankie Goes to Hollywood lyric as updated by Keir Starmer this week. Relax. I'm going to build more houses. Well, relax planning restrictions on building new homes on Greenbelt Land. Relax, you can vote for me because I'm secretly a Tory. Relax.

Don't do it when you want to vote Tory. See, I tried to actually sing it. I was thinking about the song. Do it again, Freddie, but sing it. Well, I'll build more houses. Do it. Please don't make me do this. Is this a good move from Starmer?

I think so. Electorally, yes. I think Labour are doing quite a good job of realising that the Tories have messed everything up. So any area in which they announce any policy will go down pretty well. Yeah. I mean, what would Labour have to do to lose from here? Bear in mind, they do pull some pretty impressive defeated rabbits out of their battered argumentative hat. I don't see any scenario at the moment in which Labour lose the next general election.

If the Tories are listening to this, they must be really... They've got a geezer from the spectator slated, and with me slated, they're going, I think we're going to lose. LAUGHTER Well, there's going to be... I'm enjoying this kind of weird war that, you know, so the Tories went, oh, you need voter ID.

Er, yeah. And then Labour now go, oh, well, OK, you can vote when you're 16 or 17. How do you like that? And the Tories will come back, well, all right, well, if you've shot a pheasant, you get seven votes. How about that? And Labour's going, oh, Cubans can vote. What? I know it's quite a leftist country.

The Tories will be like, OK, prisoners can vote. And Labour will be like, OK, but only if you've committed white-collar crime. As I call it, gerrymandering as well. That doesn't sound like what it is. That sounds like an initiation thing, doesn't it? Something that happened to Rhys Mulk, probably. Gerrymandered by the year 10s. Enjoyed it.

It sounds like a guy who scores touchdowns in the NFL. There's gerrymandering running down the street. And I was thinking, if we're going to impede people voting, just get the NFL to stand outside polling boxes. It doesn't matter if you're right, if you're left, you have to run through the gauntlet like gladiators in the 90s. Voters ready! Let's spin the wheel to see who Ashley and Neil get.

Let's spin the wheel to see who Ashley and Neil get. Oh, and you've got the American rapper Nelly. Possibly one of his few appearances on Radio 4. The following Nelly lyric, updated by the World Meteorological Organisation in some research this week. It's getting hot in here, so take... Prince Andrew outside. He has no way of cooling his body.

It's getting hot in here and we're all going to die. The polar ice caps are melting into the sea and I'm going to tick my top off. That's essentially correct. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, scientists, those perennial research, waggling, reality-peddling, complacency-shaming doomsters

have said the world will probably break the 1.5-degree global warming threshold at some point by the year 2027, which I think qualifies us for a free trial Armageddon. See how we like it over a short-term period and then decide if we'll sign up for it for good. Like all these things, if we forget to cancel it, it'll just roll on and we'll be doomed.

So, I mean... It's pretty scary when the World Meteorological Organisation releases a report and it's not even written down. It's just Greta thunberg crying in a sombrero i feel like i've done my part though i i do genuinely have an electric car so um i feel like i've done my part to save armageddon although it leads to rouse i i parked in a train station the other day and i was trying to get a charger and there was a woman in the charging space and i said will you move your car please she went no went, no, not going to move my car.

I was like, you're completely in the wrong. And she goes, I don't care. I'm collecting my son from the train and he has baggage. I was like, I bet he does with a weapon like you for a man. Well, that brings us to the end of our winners this week. Team Dog, Freddie and Geoff with 16. Team Cat, Ashley and Neil have 14. Before we go, some breaking news reaching us from the world of sport.

The head coach of the Great Britain team at the World Anticipation Championships has resigned after his team was surprisingly knocked out in the first round by Uruguay. Bernard Pratch said at a press conference afterwards, I just didn't see that kind of performance coming. And simply had to go. Thank you for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Geoff Norcott, Freddie Gray and Ashley Story. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alfie Packham, Rebecca Bain, Davina Bentley and Cody Darla. The producer was Sam Holmes and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4.