Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 1st March

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

Hugo Rifkind, Susie McCabe, Ashley Storrie and Stuart Mitchell join Andy Zaltzman to quiz the week's news from Aberdeen.This week the panel discuss Gordon Brown’s vision for a second renaissance in Aberdeen, why Lee Anderson has lost the Tory whip, and the difference between Mob Rule and Ja Rule.Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material by: Cody Dahler, Rebecca Bain, Alex Garrick-Wright, Krystal Evans, Peter Tellouche and Christina Riggs.Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Coordinators: Sarah Nicholls & Jodie Charman Sound Editor: Marc Willcox Recorded by Sean KerwinA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Andy Zaltzman. We recorded this week's News Quiz before the announcement of the result of the Rochdale by-election, won by George Galloway and his faithful hat. It took place on the 29th of February, so according to Leap Day tradition, Galloway will now serve a 20-year term as MP. More on this next week, and over the next 20 years. Welcome to the News Quiz. This week we are in Aberdeen. Our team this week, in honour of the two rather caricaturish men who've been making the news either side of Hadrian's Wall this week,

Roald Dahl's famous chocolatier and the former chair of the Conservative Party, we have Team Wonka against Team Plonker. On Team Wonka we have Susie McCabe and Stuart Mitchell. And on Team Plonker, Hugo Team Wonka we have Susie McCabe and Stuart Mitchell. And on Team Plonker Hugo Rifkind and Ashley Storey.

Now, democracy needs all the help it can get at the moment so we'll let our audience choose the topic for our first round this week. There are three categories you can choose. Cheer when you hear one that you would like to hear a question about. Category A, the city of Aberdeen. Category B, test match cricket, 1877 to 1914.

Or ferrets in 12th century religious art. Oh, harsh. We're going with Aberdeen. OK. This could go to Susie and Stuart. Harsh. We're going with Aberdeen. OK. Aw. This could go to Susie and Stuart. According to former Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Aberdeen could soon enjoy a second what? It's a renaissance.

Correct. Hearing the words Aberdeen and renaissance together, it's quite an interesting concept, isn't it? It's like hearing the words Glasgow and gentle. Or Edinburgh and Scottish. When you said Aberdeen could soon enjoy a second war, I thought you were going to say a fight with Dundee. I think what's happened here is Gordon Brown, he's been in Aberdeen, perhaps on a Saturday night,

and he's been out and he's seen somebody, like, really drunk, totally naked, marble white skin, genitals shrunk in the cold, and he's thought, this must be a second renaissance. I read it and I thought, that's a really weird choice for Beyonce to pick Gordon Brown to announce her new tour dates. What a duet that would be. I mean, I was walking through Aberdeen today, and it's strange,

isn't it? A lot like major cities. Some councils clearly think a second renaissance is triggered by opening more kebab shops. I like Gordon Brown. I think he unites us all with one common thing as soon as you hear his name

you want to go Gordon Brown turns you like sun doesn't matter what side of the fence you're on and that's a joyful thing and why specifically does Gordon Brown think that the second renaissance could be coming here electricity

yeah I mean, I understand Aberdeen already has electricity, correct me if I'm wrong, but it's basically because the first Aberdeen Renaissance I guess is the oil renaissance, or the oil rigs, and now, because there's going to be wind power at sea, he thinks

Aberdeen can be connected to the northern energy grid, and all the electricity that needs to come ashore will come ashore in Aberdeen. I don't mean this in a rude way, but I don't see why it would. Because you can bring in electricity anywhere. You can just connect the wire. Anywhere. We're already producing

enough electricity for 6 million homes in Scotland off the wind energy. So I don't know what Gordon's talking about. We don't need to hook it up to anything. And also, as a former electrician, I'm going to take Hugo to task. Does Aberdeen not, Matt? You just hook in a cable,

do you, son? Aye. Let me feel those hands, Hugo, of 23 years of journalism, because I don't think they've ever seen a pair of pliers, pal. A former electrician. Really?

Well, surprised you turned up for the recording. Gordon Brown, though. I loved Gordon Brown. Remember? Stability and hope. I mean, it was incredible, wasn't it? He could get us out of recession, couldn't he, Gordon Brown? Yeah, he never had national debt at £2.65 trillion when he was in charge.

I mean, it's mad, isn't it? He got a lot of stick for selling off the gold, whereas we've sold more government bonds now that the only thing left to sell is, I don't know, Daniel Craig. When he was in Downing Street, Gordon Brown, he famously couldn't use his computer, so people who wanted to send him an email had to print it out and stick it to the monitor. True.

Oh, I like him more now. Gordon Brown was everybody's nana. Gordon Brown has big nana energy, and I think that's a shame for him because this is like a hard-bitten political climate now. You can't have big nana energy and I think that's a shame for him because this is like a hard-bitten political climate now. You can't have big nana energy. I think 2% of the national grid now comes from big nana energy. You've worked in politics, haven't you?

Did you enjoy the budget? Do you get excited by budget statements? Absolutely. Turns me on marvellously. Well, the Scottish budget is just as bad as the English budget, isn't it? I mean, we've got a little extra police budget in Scotland, but ironically, the SNP used it to investigate themselves. Just for BBC balance.

Other incompetent political parties are available. Funding's been cut and everything Gaelic, or Gaelic, or if you're dyslexic like me, Gaelic. It's a council tax freeze, isn't it, they've announced in the budget. Council tax is set by the council tax, so central government says you've got to, like, you're freezing the council tax freeze, isn't it? They've announced in the budget. Council tax is set by the council tax. So central government says you've got, like you're freezing the council tax. It's a bit like, Andy, it's a bit like if I said the BBC is going to pay you more, but I'm not going to give you the money

and it's got literally nothing to do with me. But I've just said it. May I have your vote? Can I just check, is it Gaelic? It's Gaelic. Gaelic. Right, okay. I'm like, mate, they need to sort their branding first and foremost.

In Gaelic, there's letters that don't exist. Like J, K, Q, V, W, X, Y and Z all don't exist in the Gaelic alphabet. And they just released the first Gaelic Scrabble, like, last year. And they thought that's going to be a mishap, but it's all the spare tiles went to the Welsh edition. Yes, well, here we are in Aberdeen. I'm strapping Aberdeen. Get ready to be born again because if Gordon Brown is right, a second Renaissance

is coming your way. What will it entail? Well, will it be like the last Renaissance and just end up with loads of elaborately painted church ceilings covered in naked danglers and wobbly bits? Personally, I hope not. I am heartily sick of Renaissance interior decor. Dial it down, Michelangelo, you scaffold-bothering paintbrush-waggling noob.

What's wrong with a simple, restrained, off-white magnolia, maybe? There is such a thing as too many Bible stories frescoed in one room, mate. Go and chisel another hot-naked dude into a piece of marble and leave my ceilings alone. But this Renaissance is going to be different. Gordon Brown's think tank, Our Scottish Future, proposes Aberdeen as a hub for offshore renewables

and carbon capture technology, linking up with Scandinavia, mainland Europe and, of course, the international hive mind of the woke conspiracy that wants us to let all those fossils have died in vain. Moving on to other green news now. Hugo and Ashley, you can have this one. A power company which has received £6 billion in government green subsidies has nonetheless continued to burn what?

Witches. That's not the answer I've got written down. It's rare wood, I've got written down. No? It's rare. It's rare wood. My favourite kind of wood. Well, it tastes better, doesn't it? They've been getting wood from primary forests in Canada, whereas they should have been getting wood from, I guess, secondary forests.

Because basically, wood's meant to be sustainable when you burn it, because the amount of CO2 that is released is the same as the amount that it soaks up when you plant a new tree. But they've been apparently getting wood pellets from Primordial. Is that the right word? Yes, sounds it. Original Canadian forests, which is very, very bad. It's this company Drax.

And I think if you're going to be an evil power company, you want to be called something like Drax. It's like a Bond villain, isn't it? Drax. I think there was genuinely a Bond villain called Drax, And I think if you're going to be an evil power company, you want to be called something like Drax. It's like a Bond villain, isn't it? Drax. I think there was genuinely a Bond villain called Drax. Was there not? Hugo Drax, I think. Might be making that up out of sheer ego.

But I do think he was called Hugo Drax. What's your view on burning down precious ancient forests? For the good of the environment. Do you think that stacks up? No, this is a Drax power station, isn't it, in Shelby in Yorkshire. It's a converted coal plant and burns pellets,

but it only basically produces 5% of the UK electricity for £6 billion, which basically powers everyone's little red light on our TV. This company received £6 billion in green subsidies while admitting 12 million tonnes of carbon dioxide annually. So this company's being paid £1 billion for every 2 million times.

It violates the very reason it was given the money. I saw in that report that they were getting the wood from no-go areas and I didn't know that East End of Glasgow had any forests. We need to bury the bodies somewhere, Ashley. Oh, you sound like Granda. The Drax power station emits 12 million tonnes of carbon dioxide a year but under international rules the UK doesn't have to count these emissions because, well, what's an uninhabitable planet between friends and although it does burp

out these 12 million tons of co2 a year it's british co2 which is the best least pollutative co2 in the known universe team gb just quickly before we move on from Aberdeen, an Aberdeenshire pilot scheme has claimed that not doing what brings success? This is reporting minor crimes, isn't it? It is correct. I love it. I am all in favour of this, Aberdeen. I am. As a minor criminal myself. If this lessens my chances of getting lifted for being drunk in about two and a half hours

time and getting straight, I am all in. I just love the fact that this scheme has told Police Scotland if we investigate less crime, we'll have more time on our hands. The genius

of Policeing, ladies and gentlemen. I like the idea of a pilot scheme for minor crime. You think if you had a minor scheme for pilot crime, that would be just as difficult because they're really quite far apart, the pilots and the minors. They don't come into

contact in the middle. Particularly if you're just burning trees instead of coal. I would make Scottish crime TV rubbish. Could you imagine, like, Taggart, when it's just like there's been a murder, but we're not going to look into it. I once got my toilet window stolen.

I mean, it wasn't fitted. I was too embarrassed to phone the police to tell them. Incredible, isn't it? It got delivered and it was due to be fitted the next day. And I was just, I was too embarrassed to phone them. Can you imagine? I phoned them up and they're like, so did you see them out the window?

And I'm like, no, I saw them with my window. Right, at the end of our Aberdeen round, the scores are six points all. Moving on, this can go to Stuart and Susie. Who is reportedly considering disengagement from what and why? Stuart.

Oh, me? Sorry. I should be more engaged. Well, this is the whole about Lindsay, the Speaker. The Speaker of the Westminster Parliament that all eyes are on him. Well, all 80 eyes. Because there's 80 people

have submitted a vote of confidence that, well, there'd be more than 80 ayes, there'd be 160 ayes. One of the criticisms was that he was too nice for the job. 80 of them have said, I know he was too nice. So basically, these politicians have turned around and went, listen, we're animals. We are absolutely feral. And, you know, we need John Wick in here

nobody needs the farmer from Babe but it's the SNP isn't it it's the SNP because they're outraged because they didn't get to say their thing I mean let's face it the SNP are to Westminster but Prince Harry is to the Royal Family a ginger nuisance that's only tolerated because most of the time they live far enough away Westminster but Prince Harry is to the Royal Family.

A ginger nuisance that's only tolerated because most of the time they live far enough away. What confuses me about this is that the SNP they were crossed because they wanted Westminster Parliament to pass a vote calling for a ceasefire in Gaza and Lindsay Hoyle,

the Speaker, he let Labour's amendment happen, so that vote never happened. But it's like, MSPs in Holyrood, they voted for a ceasefire in Gaza back in November. And so it's almost like the Scottish National Party believes you can do stuff with significantly more clout on a British level, you know, as if it's somehow useful to be part of, I don't know, like some kind of union, because on your own you're quite easy to sort of ignore, but if you're part of something bigger, then people have to look...

That's really radical stuff. Do you not think it must be the first time in history a collection of Scottish people in London have wanted someone to call last orders? They walked out in a huff, didn't they? And I just think of the people in the Middle East going through this terrible thing in Gaza, being like, guys, we really need to sort this out. The SNP

are unhappy. And everybody thinking that they went out because it was a protest, really. There was just a caravan sailed down the road. Keir Starmer basically asked the Speaker for a can of Ayn Drew. And the Speaker snatched it from the leader

of the SNP's hands and gave it to Keir Starmer. That's what happened with the motion. They only switched a little bit and that's what caused the full fury within the Scottish Parliament and then obviously SNP are now saying that potentially

they'll be disengaged which is ironic because I disengaged with the SNP a long time ago. Yes, it's been a week since Parliament descended into chaos. Descended? Ascended? Moved sideways into a different

form of chaos. Over a vote on the Gaza ceasefire, this week a second SNP motion to debate a ceasefire was rejected by Speaker Lindsay Hoyle automatically under unwritten House of Commons Convention convention this provoked a ceremonial third rejection in which the speaker puts his fingers in his ears and says la la la la as loudly as possible and the traditional response of the proposer of the motion then holding their breath stamping their feet and putting their hands over their eyes saying you don't't exist. Ashley and Hugo, in a sort of related area,

former Conservative Party chair Lee Anderson has refused to rule out what? Is it the possibility that he owns a large collection of racist dolls? I'm not saying he does. I'm just saying he hasn't yet said that he doesn't. I think it's wild that he's like, I'm going to join the funky boy party. Is it the reforming party?

Yes, it's not officially called the funky boy party. But he's kind of like that guy who turns up at an Aberdeen football match where Rangers top on for no reason other than to just be contentious. It's weird. He had the whip withdrawn because he said Sadiq Khan had allowed London to be taken over by his Islamist friends. And the thing is, Andy, that was wrong.

And you're probably wondering why it was wrong. But it was wrong. People have been asking a lot this week why it was wrong. And it's just very important to say that the answer to that question is it was wrong. It's as far as I wish to go. Support for Reform UK seems to be going up, as evidenced

by the fact that obviously we have World War II nostalgia often attaches to such parties, and Reform UK is offering Anderson Shelter. Is this changing our politics? We could have these new parties coming up and shaking things up. What do you make of it? They'll be running in Scotland.

Well, I say running. They'll be running because we'll be chasing them out. Reform UK, though, they're sort of a political party, but they've not got any candidates yet. They've not got any policies yet they've not got any policies they're just they're not so much a political party as a as a vibe they're you know they're like a vibe and the Tories are really frightened of this vibe because with the election coming up what always happens when when the Conservatives eventually sort of lose office as parties always

do the Conservatives they start losing votes to the centre because the centre you know goes the other way the centre's in the middle and people can go either way. But they've always had this thing like, well, we might lose the centre, but at least we'll always have the maniacs. And now they're going like, oh no, we're going to lose the maniacs. What will we even be without the maniacs?

The Tories have literally sabotaged their own election prospects. What a beautiful thing. Let's, well, on a again, a related topic. This is a question about rules. One rule is coming to the UK, according to the Prime Minister. One rule is not allowed to come to the UK. Tell me

what two rules I'm talking about. I know which rule's not allowed to come to the UK. Tell me what two rules I'm talking about. I know which rules not allowed to come to the UK. It's Ja Rule. Ja, yes. Ja Rule is a hip-hop artist. He has not been allowed in the country because he has crimes against his name.

He had possession of arms and he also done tax evasion, which is the same as my granda so I think it's fine. The fun thing about jarul is 50 cent who's another rapper also known as 50 pence he he hates jarul they are like the montagues and capulets of the hip-hop scene so whenever jarul does a concert, 50 Cent will buy 200 of the tickets in a block so that Ja Rule will always have an empty void in his audience. He's getting to it.

I think he might have been buying a lot of tickets to my shows over the years. So Ja is Rule B. What was Rule A, the rule that is coming to the UK according to the Prime Minister? Mob rule. Mob, correct. Rishi Sunak is worried that Britain is being ruled by mob rule. Which, considering Britain is being ruled by Rishi Sunak,

sort of, for me, brought to mind the Sopranos, actually. You can imagine Rishi Sunak and the rest of the Cabinet sitting around in that little, well, maybe in the badda bing, you know, all around together going, we're going to, from now on, we're going to rule Britain like the mafia. Going to make the public an offer they can't refuse.

That was Covid, mate. In five minutes they're being like, who is mob rule? I have never heard this stuff. Yeah. It's very weird. Basically, what he's talking about is the protests, the Gaza protests, and he's worried that this means Britain is now, yeah, descending into into mob rule but they're not in charge he doesn't seem to realize this he's in charge it's very odd well he seems like sitting there and daniel someone should do something about

this yes soon i said there's consensus that mob rule is replacing democratic rule. Is that consensus reached, Aberdeen? We didn't vote for it! No. Well, you say that, but that's only because you're not a Conservative MP. I saw that Keir Starmer had said that Rishi Sunak lacks a backbone, which is a shame because he needs to lack a backbone. It's the only way he can slip through the wee cat door

and down the street. They're going to bring in... Can you imagine that, bringing in security? Imagine being Keir Starmer's security guard. I mean, mob rule doesn't mean the mob's in charge. What mob rule means, like, technically, is when you have a government that obeys the mob. Because in our system generally you have

institutions, you've got parliament, you've got the civil service, and it all functions together to provide sort of Burkean stability, and you have democracy that comes out the other end. Mob rule is when you just basically listen to what the crowd says, and just do that, without anything mediating it in the middle. Bit like a

referendum. Richie Sulak said there is a consensus that mob rule was replacing democratic rule, and you can see why he came to that conclusion. There's a prime minister of a country with 67 million people in it who was put in office by a few hundred people after a series of clandestine meetings. So who really is in charge of the country? Oh, we'll let you answer that at home. Insert your own groundless, news-addled conspiracy theory here.

You do know I can hear you, don't you? It's you listening at home. Radios and speakers and headphones, they're all two-way now. I know what you just said, and I'll be honest, I'm right with you. At the end of our democracy eating itself round, the scores are now nine to Susie and Stuart and 11 to Hugo and Ashley. Moving on, Ashley and Hugo,

what should be sold for £1 just to get rid of it, according to A, former sub-postmaster Alan Bates, and B, according to you? Ooh, what should we sell for £1 just to get rid of it? My mum and dad. Would anybody like an angry small woman and an autistic adult man? They have a new car. Is it Lee Anderson's racist dolls?

To be clear, we don't know that he's got them. He just hasn't denied it. Is it the Proclaimers? I mean, they've been walking 500 miles since 1988. I mean, they've definitely hit 10,000 steps.

I was up in Scotland last week and my daughter phoned me up and she said can you pick me up from violin and i was like no i can't i'm in scotland and she goes oh come on how am i meant to get home and i was like i'm not coming 500 miles to get you and she was like what would the proclaimers say i thought that was really good for a 12 year old it's the it's the the post office yes what is sell it to Amazon for a pound and just let them do it because they're better at it. But the post office being bought for a pound?

Yes. Now, most of what the post office has is stamps. Yep. So if you can get the post office for a pound, you're going to be really up on the deal. You're going to... Anyone else want to join the bidding?

We can offer a tenner, I think you'd get it. We've sold everything else in the country, haven't we? We did sell a bit of the post office off, didn't we? Do you know what? We're all going to hell in a handcart, Aberdeen. I'm all in. Let's all just go to the Willy Wonka experience.

Have a wee jelly bean, and just have a very lovely time. I mean, if they sold the post office, Mr Bates versus the post office, we'd get season two. I mean, the only reason I got on this show as my debut is because I've got a radio show coming out, Stuart Mitchell versus the News Quiz.

And season two, Stuart Mitchell versus a news quiz. And season two, Stuart Mitchell versus Live at the Apollo. But it's interesting, isn't it? It's all Mr Bates. He said this, that the post office should be sold for a pound. And he was at the committee for compensation chasing the government. He said

that they need to get on and pay people. And the post office was contacted for comment, but they were closed for lunch. Do you know what I really wanted to happen at that committee? See when the ex-chair of the post office held up that 80-page document. I just wanted someone on the panel

for a laugh to say, if you just pop that in the scales. It's in the parliamentary hearing Alan Bates described the post office as a dead duck and said it should be sold for a pound. Now if my local Chinese takeaway is an economic touchstone, which I believe it is, if you chuck

in some pancakes and chopped cucumber, you can sell a quarter of a dead duck for £9. So I reckon we could get at least £36 for the post office if we play our cards right. Bates, who has been critical of the slow pace at which Postmaster's compensation is being paid, told a Commons hearing that the government should get on and pay people. And to be fair to the government, over recent years they have got on and paid people. You can quibble with exactly who they've been paying and what for, but credit where

it's due. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz and our winners are Hugo and Ashley with 14 students. 11 11

Well done Well done. Well done, Ashley and Hugo. If I can channel my inner Brendan Rogers, good boy. Winners will stand in for Ja Rule on his UK tour. So to buy tickets to see Ashley and Hugo reading his latest Times column in front of 15,000 slightly disappointed hip-hop and gangster rap fans,

find your tickets on the internet. Thank you very much for listening to the News Quiz. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the News Quiz were Stuart Mitchell, Susie McCabe, Ashley Storey and Hugo Rifkind. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Cody Darner, Rebecca Bain, Alex Garrick-Wright and Crystal Evans

The producer was Georgia Keating and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4 Hello, I'm Greg Jenner I'm the host of You're Dead to Me on BBC Sounds. We are the comedy show that takes history seriously. And we are back for a seventh series, where, as ever, I'm joined by brilliant comedians and historians to discuss global history.

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