Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 21st June

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

Alasdair Beckett-King, Simon Evans, Laura Smyth, and Cindy Yu join Andy Zaltzman to quiz the news.Two weeks before the General Election, Andy and the Panel discuss the risks of a super majority, nuclear war, and an international love-in between a pair of the world's scariest men.Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material by: Cameron Loxdale, Jade Gebbie, Dan Sweryt, & Pete Tellouche Producer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Co-ordinators: Sarah Nicholls & Dan Marchini Sound Editor: Chris MacleanA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4 An Eco-Audio certified Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hello, I'm Andes Altman. After the latest Gary Lineker controversy here at the BBC, I have been asked to remove all of my own brand clothing before we start this week's news quiz. own brand clothing before we start this week's news quiz. It's pretty annoying. I'd only just signed the deal to endorse the new War of the Roses 563rd anniversary armor range.

The Zoltz cloak kitten corset has to go to. And so do the Zoltz spring pogo socks. So I just need to go do the Zolt Spring pogo socks. BEEPING Oh, my God! Sorry, just need to check with the producer. Am I allowed to keep my handy-andy Zolt's pouch on? No, I'm sorry, Mr Zoltzman, it's got to go. I think that's the wrong call. LAUGHTER Oh!

Sorry, I don't make the rules. Eyes up, everyone. Welcome to the News Quiz. APPLAUSE Eyes up, everyone. Welcome to the News Quiz. APPLAUSE Hello, welcome to the News Quiz. Let's meet our teams now, who will be trying to take an early lead and then desperately cling on to it in an increasingly nervous and unconvincing manner. Our teams this week, we have Team One against Team Two. Yeah, unadventurous names, but they are acronyms

based on the electoral strategy and prospects of Labour and the Conservatives. Team obstinately not exciting against Team Total Wipeout. On Team One, we have Alistair Beckett King and Laura Smith. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE On Team Two, Simon Evans, and from the spectator, Cindy Yoo. APPLAUSE And Simon and Cindy, you can take our first question.

Who is apparently heading for their worst what for how long? Is it the people of Palo Alto heading for their worst neighbour since Mark Zuckerberg moved in? LAUGHTER Quite possible. Is it the people of Palo Alto heading for their worst neighbour since Mark Zuckerberg moved in? LAUGHTER Quite possible. I think it's left-wing comedians are heading for the worst 30 years. LAUGHTER They're going to find out what it's like.

Close. Any other... Any suggestions? Is Keir Starmer on July 5th heading for the most awkward high five in history? LAUGHTER Up above, at the side, to the left, you're out of the party. Is it the Tory party heading for the worst electoral defeat since the 1832 reform bill, gifted the House of Commons to the Whig party and signalled the end of the actual Tory party, at which point they were replaced with the

modern Conservatives? You said that with a hint of regret in your voice. Yeah. I'd like to say that was the beginning of the end. But I could see the rot had already set in some years earlier. Obviously, everyone is rubbing their hands with delight. And also, I think, just at some level, ever so slightly unnerved by the absolute bloodbath that is obviously in store. Personally, I think they deserve it, all of their warnings about be careful if you vote for Labour you might get a Labour government

and then they'll start doing labourish things. I don't think the Conservative Party have been right since 2016. There's just too much poison in the waters, too much baggage, too much trauma. You probably just need a total wipeout, and they hope it's only five years out, but God knows. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER They've been warning about this Labour supermajority

telling the public that a vote for reform equals a vote for Labour. I guess the problem is that the voting public think that a vote for the Conservatives equals a vote for Labour. I guess the problem is that the voting public think that a vote for the Conservatives equals a vote for the Conservatives. It's not really a message that's hitting home, is it? Here's a question for Alastair and Laura. What do the following have in common, according to a poll this week in the Telegraph? The Prime Minister, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, the Home Secretary, me, Taylor Swift and celebrity fictional bear Winnie the Pooh. Ooh.

Ooh, is it people you wouldn't leave your kids with? That's a bit harsh on Swiftie, isn't it? Is it people who are not going to be in politics after July 4th? Correct. Yeah, the poll is suggesting that even Sunak could lose his seat. Mmm. Um. Right, there's some cheering for the sake of BBC balance.

I'm now going to need some people to boo. There we go. Right, OK, we've covered both sides. Sunak really has had a tough time there, hasn't he? I mean, this is going to be... No. But I mean there was a time when Sunak's popularity was better than the Conservative Party as a whole and now they've dragged him down to their level and he's actually less popular than the Conservative Party and might lose his

own seat. It's a tough gig that he's had in the last two years after Lestrasse and Boris Johnson, I think. Oh, bless... Yeah, poor little billionaire. LAUGHTER In terms of the strategy of it, the Conservatives are basically saying, we've got no chance, so vote for us. Which is not the most inspiring

strategy, is it? The Tories seem to be sort of scrabbling around. Like, it reminds me of, like, your friend who always has good business ideas It's a very inspiring strategy, is it? The Tories seem to be sort of scrabbling around. It reminds me of your friend who always has good business ideas that aren't good business ideas. They're like, what about tax? What about the borders? What about Jeremy Corbyn? What about an air freshener shaped like cars

that you hang on pine trees? Has anyone done that? Or has Boris Johnson did another book? Cindy, as a political journalist, how do you find this strategy of basically saying, we're absolutely doomed? Well, I guess it kind of makes sense if that was the only strategy they're going for, but the problem is, as Alisa says, they've got too many things going on, too many messages that they're trying to land.

On the one hand, they're saying that Keir Starmer has an evil plan to kind of raise taxes and do all of this stuff that you won't like. On the other hand, they're saying that Keirosama has an evil plan to raise taxes and do all of this stuff that you won't like. On the other hand, they're saying that Kiyosama has no principles at all and is totally inconsistent with what he wants. On the one hand, they're saying, oh, we're going to lose and it's going to be a labor supermajority. Then the next day, Rishi Sunak comes out and says, no, no, no, guys, we can still win. It's like, you've got to decide on one message to get out there and to at least do that a little bit convincingly. But no, it's hardly inspiring, isn't it, just to say don't vote for the other guys

because they're rubbish too. In terms of attacks on Stammer, can you tell me on what grounds Sunak is being advised to slam the Labour leader? I think they're trying to pretend Stammer is left-wing, which I don't think is fooling anyone. LAUGHTER Oh, so support in Corbyn's manifesto and all that, is that right? That and a couple of other things, so that was this three-prong attack. Support for Corbyn.

Anything else? His name sounds a bit like Stalin, and, you know... LAUGHTER That's a good answer, but it's not what I've got written down here subtext I guess Cindy he is second referendum stuff yes backing a second and one other thing he's running a Ming vase campaign that is the expression I've seen several times which means he's just got something very fragile and delicate and it's been dropped on countless

occasions before at the last moment and he just wants to carry it across the line without dropping it. But clearly there is an implication in the Ming vase that he is going to sell us to China. Right. Which actually his career as a human rights lawyer. Oooh. Oooh. Speaking as the general public I hate humans and rights probably quite good for the base for the Tory base yes oh yeah sorry I forgot who the Tories yeah yeah you're right is this Cindy is a kind of turning point and a lot of people said this is a genuine kind of momentous election in terms of what it might do to the two-party landscape that's

predominated for pretty much 100 years with Labour and the Conservatives. Do you feel that Reform UK in particular are genuinely going to change things, or is it a temporary change? Yeah, I think it's unlikely. As someone who loves watching drama, I would love it to be the case that we change the political landscape from just these two main parties fighting it out, but that's not going to happen. And you look at the polls, for example, one of the polls says that Nigel Farage is not even going to win his own seat in Clacton. So I

think whether or not reform, I think at the moment for most polls, reform is higher than Lib Dem, but Lib Dem for most polls is going to have more seats than reform. And that is just the way that this political system works. You don't really hear the Lib Dems talking so much about proportional representation now that they're going to get 55 seats or something like that, because it's working out for them, because they're concentrated in the south of England. Whereas for reform, they just don't have critical mass in any constituency.

So yes, Nigel Farage would love to say this as a kind of Canadian 1990s conservative situation, or as we've talked about in this country a hundred years ago, but frankly, it's not going to happen. He might fail on his eighth attempt to be an MP. So here's another question on the Reform Manifesto. A fishing trawler pictured in the Reform Man manifesto in a section about reviving our coastal communities displays a surprisingly prominent pair of watts turds flags German flags okay yes this is because they use stock images from other parts of Europe, right? German flags from which era?

I think not that era. They have an interesting idea for the NHS, which we all agree is under strain, which is basically that rich people should stop using it and do all private health care, which my understanding is that that is how it is now. But their idea is that once all of the strain from the rich people is taken out, the NHS will be able to breathe free in much the same way that, you know, rich people don't go to libraries or use buses, which is why they are always so fantastically well funded. Shall we move on to the SNP? We'll give this to Alistair and Laura. The SNP said that an independent Scotland would want to do what? I think it's what we want to

what we want to... no that's Billy Piper. An independent Scotland would want to leave the Union behind and get us far away from Lawrence Fox, again, that's Billy Piper. LAUGHTER I keep confusing Billy Piper with Scotland. I have a little... How many McLoons in the name, I suppose, to be fair? You think of bagpiper? LAUGHTER I think, radically, it's weird that this is radical,

they want to attract more foreign migrants. That's one of the things they said they want to do. And I think that's great, because Scotland is a very welcoming country. But I think it is going to be confusing for those migrants. Because in Scotland, the language doesn't quite work the same way. Like in Scotland, offensive words

that you can't say on the radio are terms of endearment, whereas nice words are very threatening. Like the word pal is very nice in England, it just means chum. But in Scotland, pal. Excuse me, pal. Excuse me, pal. That guy's not your pal. The last thing you want to hear in a Scottish accent is the words, hello friend. I think you and I are going to be great friends. I think you and I are going to be great friends. I thought the first thing they were going to do is deny ever knowing England. Is it move Trident to Putney Bridge?

Is it rejoin the EU? Yes. Because it would be absolutely a matter of urgency that they need to find a new exterior legislative to blame for all their trust. As long as they're having Westminster. Another election-related question. Who has been struggling to show they're working on how they worked out what working means? Is it Labour?

Yeah. It's been a heated debate over exactly what Labour means by working people when they say they're not going to tax working people. Do you count yourself as a working person, Alastair? Me? Yeah. Absolutely not. Look at my hands. So smooth. Haven't done a day's work.

I just came down for an ivory tower to record this. It's weird, because we have a go at politicians on shows like this as comedians. But I think actually everybody works harder than comedians, including politicians. It's much easier being a comedian than a politician because we don't have manifestos. Basically, we can just come out and say whatever we want, try and get the audience to laugh,

try and get them to clap, and we never have to back that up because we're never going to be in government. It's like being Nigel Farage. LAUGHTER So easy. APPLAUSE Actually, I've gigged in Clacton, so that looked tough to me.

When I've got more hair than the entire audience, I know it's going to be a tough one. It's kind of a curious discussion, this, you know, trying to define what they mean by working people when they say they're not going to tax. Yeah, it's quite, it's funny, isn't it, especially from a party that's still called Labour, which used to be synonymous with that very notion, but of course has become a coalition of fringe weirdos now. No sir, I've given up on the idea that I might carry the audience with me on this one. 50% of the people listening at home are nodding along to that.

Yeah, working people are now, I think according to Salma, one of the two criteria is that they fail to save any money, right, that they live from paycheck to paycheck. That's basically the criteria, right? You said specifically people who earn their living rely on public services and don't really have the ability to write a check when they get into trouble. Now for our younger listeners, writing a check, you physically wrote on a bit of paper that you wanted to pay a sum of money. That's probably a concept you don't really understand either. I really... I missed... It was only 20 years ago that Chip and Pin came in,

and the old tradition of holding up a queue of people in a shop while you filled in your stub with a fountain pen, it was glorious. That lied you down as more of a quill man. It is kind of circular. Labour's definition of working people is the people who they are not going to increase taxes on and that is how you know that they're working people because they're the ones that they're not going to increase taxes on. I think the real workers are the billionaires because... I'm going for Simon's demographic here.

LAUGHTER Because they are wealth creators, you know, and they're hard workers. They make all that money with their gumption and spunk, and I think if you... You don't actually get nearly as much for that as you might think, even billionaire spunk. I mean, there is a market for it, but... So I think gumption and spunk is a marginal constituency in Gloucestershire, isn't it?

It's Gumsher and Underspunk, yes. I think if you took billionaires' money away from them, they'd just earn it straight back again. And I'm so confident of that, that I think we should take billionaires' money away from them. take billionaires' money away from us. As the old saying goes, a week is a long time in politics, and two weeks to go before an election which polls suggest you're going to be obliterated in must seem like an absolute eternity. Another recent poll showed that a quarter of Tory voters from 2019 now think the party quotes deserve to lose every seat they have. It's basically like a parent booing their own child at an activity.

I've seen more convincing angels at your granny's strip club. Meanwhile Keir Starmer still has to entirely convince the voting public but as the old saying goes in the land of the rotting aubergine, the half-eaten carrot is king. And of course we recorded this before Thursday night's Question Time Leaders special, so it is possible by the time you hear this Rishi Sunak's promise to give every pensioner in the country a solid gold mobility jetpack has turned things around for him. Or Keir Starmers under-armed squelchy national anthem did not prove to be quite the patriotic vote winner he'd hoped for. Maybe Ed Davies' new mermaid tale won the hearts of voters.

Or perhaps Nigel Farage's uncosted promise to extend the White Cliffs of Dover another 500 metres upwards, stretch them across the entire coastline of Britain and coat them with an anti-asylum butter. Might raise voter concerns about how it will affect their own beach holidays. Who knows? We will report back next week. And of course we should also emphasise that a lot of this is just based on opinion polls and opinion polls are like ex-wives, in that they're not always the most reliable sources

of objective information, but if ten of them are saying the same thing to you, there might be something in it. At the end of that round the scores are five to Alastair and Laura and six to Cindy and Simon. We're going to have some numbers based questions now. This can go to Cindy and Simon. Here are the numbers. You've got to tell me what they refer to. Nigel Farage 7, Keir Starmer 33, Rishi Sunak 0. Is it the number of people at their birthday parties? Any other suggestions? Is it working-class friends?

Could quite possibly. It's not the answer I've got written down here but it's a very good guess. Alistair, any? Any other suggestions? Is it working-class friends? Could quite possibly, it's not the answer I've got written down here, but it's a very good guess. Alistair, any... I think, I may be wrong, but I think the party leaders were all asked what their favourite element on the periodic table was. Farage went for seven, which is nitrogen, which makes up the majority of our atmosphere because he doesn't like minorities. of our atmosphere because he doesn't like minorities. LAUGHTER Keir Starmer went for 33, which is arsenic, which is odd because I don't see him as a poisoner, he's more of a backstabber. LAUGHTER Rishi Sunak went for zero, which on my periodic table

is no chance in helium. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, Faraj 7, Starama 33, Sunak 0. It's something to do with the manifestos, the images within them? Yes, that is correct. The total number of pictures of leaders in their own parties manifestos. So what do you think it says about the Conservatives that there are zero pictures of Rishi Suni?

Their printing bill has been running high and they didn't want to have to, you know, like, you know when you have a family picture and someone's got a new boyfriend and you're like, yeah, let's just put him on the edge. We don't think he's going to last long. That's it. They just, yeah, or like back to the future where he's just faded out of the image. Let's go a bit more global now with another numbers question. Okay, here are

the numbers. USA 3,708, Russia 4,380, China 500, Britain 225, David Attenborough 0. Air miles? Attenborough's clocked up a bit. I suspect it's nuclear stockpile, is it? Correct, yes. Attenborough still hasn't got his longed-for... Or nuke. Maybe he could be sent on one when the time comes. There's, like, an asteroid named after him, and I feel that that would be the only suitable resting place for him. What, fired into space on a nuclear warhead?

That's what he would have wanted. That's what I want. I don't think he mentioned it at any point, but I think it's what he would have wanted. Yeah, so there's reports that China's stockpile is increasing at the fastest rate, up from 410 to 500. Is that a concern for you Simon? I mean it's still like an eighth of as you said of what America or Russia have. They got quite a long way to come up and when you see how many bases they're surrounded by I don't think it's

necessarily an indication that they're about to use them anywhere. Well I guess the thing about nuclear warheads that is if you've got one or two that you're willing to use doesn't really matter you've got 400 or 4000 it's probably enough to destroy a lot of things. Does the 200th or the 300th warhead really make a difference? I don't know. When you get to 500 though that's got to be psychologically crucial hasn't it? Maybe even more so it's like you know like you get like a plaque for saying well done you've got a 500 nuclear missile and is it concerning I think it depends really China's been purging some of its rocket force generals in the last 12 months, also kind of very quietly, getting rid of its defense secretary as well. And it turns out American

intelligence thinks this has happened because some of China's nuclear missiles was filled with water, not with fuel. And some of its missile launch pads had lids that didn't fit properly, so that when the time actually comes the lids wouldn't actually release to let the missiles out. So it kind of depends really. Oh you don't want that do you? Talk about spoiling the ship for a heap of the tar that's it. So it depends how concerned should you be? It depends on if they're like water missiles or actually you know nuclear missiles. I think it's terrible that China poses a nuclear threat. I think they should be like us and have a nuclear deterrent,

which is much, much safer. Jens Stoltenberg, I think I'm saying his name correctly, Jens Stoltenberg, the general secretary of NATO, said that NATO, I think I'm quoting him right, must show its arsenal to the world. I agree. Wasn't it Machiavelli who said, the closer we are to danger, the further we are from harm? No, it was a Hobbit from Lord of the Rings, but still. One heck

of a thinker. I think during the Euros, when you show your arsenal to the world, you must stick a flare up here. What it's worth, I do think the nuclear deterrent work, it has worked clearly since Hiroshima, there's been not a single nuclear discharge and that is because Russia upped its game pretty sharpish once it saw what America was packing. We may regret that and the Cold War dragged on a bit certainly, but I think it was probably preferable to the alternative, which many Americans said, nuke Moscow now before it gets, I mean that was really discussed at the highest levels. I think MacArthur was up for it.

And, you know, this is the kind of thinking you get in America, and they are now looking at a second Cold War. It's better that China up its game as quickly as possible, because America is probably thinking, if we're gonna nuke them, we better nuke them sharpish. You know, that is how it is. Ukraine gave up its right to a nuclear deterrent,

and that's how that's played out. I think that the only issue with that... If I have one thing that I disagree with, it would be your words, I think. I think. To me, I think our attitude towards nuclear weapons is like Americans with handguns. They make us feel safer. Clearly, statistically, handguns don't make Americans safer, but they make them feel safer. And nuclear weapons, whether they actually do make us safer or not, they make us feel safer, but they just by their existence pose an existential threat to humanity. Are you saying that all Americans should have their own nuclear deterrent?

Thank you for making a joke at the end of that. Just quickly, apparently there are around 40 operational nuclear warheads in the UK. Do any of you know what the activation code is? Well, it's Hastings 1066! All love a case? The eye of Hastings is a one. Let's have a question about love now. A tea set, a car, guns, a dagger, a long lingering look of love, and a mutual defence pact. We're all exchanged between what two lovebirds this week.

I think this is about Putin and Kim, who have formed a defence pact. We don't know how Kanye feels about it. But one way or another, it can't know how Kanye feels about it, but one way or another it can't be good news for the West. What I like about this exchange is that Putin brought with him a Russian limo, as you say Andy, a tea set as well, so lots of diplomatic presence from the Russian side, and the North Koreans gave Putin lots of pictures of Putin, which is exactly what I imagine Kim Jong-un is like hmm I wonder what Vladimir Putin would like I know what I like the most. No but I'm interested in the pictures because they both look like

they have a lot of work done as well the pair of them didn't they? I don't know what's going on with the filler in Putin's face at the moment. All right you saying he's not looking after himself? I think he's gone too far. That is true in so many ways. Our final question now with the scores tied at eight points each. According to research, people, one of the most renowned species on earth, have had enough of what? Anyone? Ed Davey on water slides. That is almost certainly correct. Any other suggestions? People have had enough

of what? It all. Well that is essentially the right answer. Is it the news? Yes basically news. Yeah people have had enough of news. Not news quizzes though. Good I'm glad you said that. Yeah people are avoiding the news and increasingly getting their news on social media. Is that good for humanity or? Yeah what they've had enough of is balanced news agencies isn't it. Is what they've had enough of is this but on the other hand that. What they now want is go our team. Yeah and that's been the case for some time. And yeah, I think something like over half of young people are getting their news from TikTok. People can't handle anything that's going to challenge them or last over a minute, essentially.

We all know if somebody sends you a video that's over a minute on your WhatsApp, you're like, no, I'm not going to do that. I mean, yes, the millennium is clearly going through a bit of a rocky patch at the moment, over, well, probably over the lastium is clearly going through a bit of a rocky patch at the moment, well, probably over the last 24 to 25 years at least. And people that have had enough of the news, me included, I just make up my own news now, just write headlines that I want to read

and then try and forget them overnight, wake up in the morning, get nice little headline like, world can be entirely saved by sitting at home watching sport on the telly and eating Spanish ham confirms scientist. Magic ketchup turns sausage back into live pig. Environment probably fine claims drowning scientist. Kiss cam installed in UN General Assembly Hall which surely would solve most of the world's problems, would it not?

No-one can resist a Kiss Cam. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz, and our winners are Cindy and Simon with ten. Of course. Wow. That's a nine. And just quickly, do remember, if you are an election candidate or someone with close APPLAUSE And just quickly, do remember, if you are an election candidate or someone with close access to the Prime Minister,

please gamble responsibly. LAUGHTER For listening, I've been Andy Zoltzman. Goodbye. APPLAUSE Taking part in the News Quiz was Cindy Yu, Alistair Beckett-Kings, Simon Evans and Laura Smith. In the chair was me and his ultimate. An additional material was written by Cameron Loxdale, Jay Geby, Dan Swearett and Peter Toulouse.

The producer was Sam Holmes and it was the BBC Studios audio production for Any Guesses Correct. It was Radio 4. From BBC Radio 4, Britain's biggest paranormal podcast is going on a road trip. I thought in that moment, oh my God, we've summoned something from this board. This is Uncanny USA. He says somebody's in the house and I screamed. Listen to Uncanny USA on BBC Sounds or wherever you get your podcasts. If you dare.

I'm Sarah Milroy, director of the McMichael Canadian Art Collection in Kleinberg. If you love Impressionism, you'll love what we have on view this summer at the Gallery. River of Dreams, Impressionism on the St. Lawrence, features more than 150 sublime works by some of Quebec's most beloved artists. Join us for a journey down the St. Lawrence and see how Impressionism flourished in this country a century ago. Buy your tickets today at McMichael.com, home to the art of Canada.