Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 22nd September

Episode Date: October 20, 2023

Andy Zaltzman quizzes the week's news. Providing all the answers Ria Lina, Ayesha Hazarika, Chris McCausland, and Alasdair Beckett-King.In this episode Andy and the panel discuss Rishi rowing back on net zero, Wales slowing down, HS2 grinding to a halt and Starmer's European sojourn.Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material by Cody Dahler Mike Shephard Rhiannon Shaw and Miranda HolmsProducer: Gwyn Rhys Davies Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Co-ordinator: Dan Marchini Sound Editor: Giles AspenA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello. Inspired by the Prime Minister's announcement this week that we will not all be forced to separate our rubbish into seven different bins every quarter of an hour, I'm delighted to announce that in this week's news quiz several things which weren't going to happen anyway are now not going to happen.

This show will therefore not involve the demolition of a priceless antique porcelain pterodactyl with a racist sledgehammer. I've scrapped it. It will not involve bawdy limericks about Queen Victoria and former US President Dwight D. Eisenhower. I've scrapped them too. And it will not involve mime.

I've scrapped it. So welcome to the all-new improved pterodactyl-smashing-free news quiz. Hello. Welcome. Thank you. Welcome to the news quiz. Before we begin this week, we'll have our weekly coin toss to see whether we do the top politics story of the week

or the top showbiz story of the week. Heads politics, tails showbiz. Heads. Politics it is. We usually edit that bit out. Let's meet our teams. We have this week Team Net Zero against Team Not Zero. On Team

Net Zero it's Rialina and Aisha Hazarika. And on Team Not Zero it's Alistair Beckett-King and Chris McCausland. Our winners this week will be the team that comes closest to scoring zero. If they don't manage it, no matter, as long as they've kind of tried, that's all we can ask. Right, our first question can go to Ayesha and Ria.

Can you tell me the new punchline to this old joke, please? What's green and then not green? A Prime Minister who's very scared about losing the next general election? That's correct. It is the new frog in a blender. Correct. Were you impressed with his efforts this week? Well, I mean, where to begin?

I mean, the first thing that I loved about all of this was the fact that there's a canoe slogan which is long-term decisions for a brighter future, which really is short-term panic so our grandkids can burn to an absolute crisp. And Rishi Sunak made a big deal

about saying, look, you know, we've just got to have a bit more honesty in politics. I mean, come on. And I would have loved if he just stood up there and went, hi, I'm Rishi Sunak. I'm about to get rinsed at the next general election. Ria, what did you make of the net zero chat this week? Oh, it's just, I mean, I'm just waiting for next week.

What's going to happen next week? He flip-flops all over the place, doesn't he? He's just trying to scoop up all of the voters before they die. He's just like, are you about to die? What's upsetting you? Will you vote for me before you die? I mean, the other thing about this is part of it is the reaction to the Uxbridge by-election

when the politics of the car was very much bad. So he's trying to make this all about the politics of the car, which is ironic because he takes a helicopter everywhere, even down to his local Tesco Metro. I mean, I think he should be called Apache Indian. No, don't look at me like that.

I can do that joke because both my parents are Indian and well-known rappers from the 1990s. Christy, are you an environment fan? I mean, it keeps me alive. I mean, the thing that amused me, I saw a thing with Suella Braverman where, this was before Rishi's speech, somebody was putting forward

to her all of these leaked points that were going to happen and she said, we shouldn't pre-empt the Prime Minister. Maybe we should't pre-empt the Prime Minister. Maybe we should wait and see what the Prime Minister says. And then the Prime Minister came out and he said exactly the same things that were put to her. Alastair, were you impressed with his suggestions? I was dazzled. Right, I was dazzled. I looked at a graph of how well we're doing on net zero

and it's very hard to communicate on the radio, but if you can imagine a line that should be going down quickly, but isn't. If net zero was couch to 5K, we are at the stage of going, I think I might do couch to 5K. And we've rewarded ourselves with a little jog to the cake shop, basically.

The idea that he cares about 2050 or 2035 or 2030 is preposterous, right? The confidence in him being there further than May is so little that Apple haven't even bothered to put his name in the spellchecker. The idea that he can talk about the future, the slogan, long-term decisions for a brighter future, I actually have access to some of the rejected slogans, which were normal words for an acceptable tomorrow, big boy, sensible shoes,

and eat nowt to help out. In terms of how the government has acted up to now, is this long-term decisions for a brighter future the first instance of a party jamming two screeching U-turns into one pithy slogan? It is, although I think

the better slogan would have been just stop the bins. The seven bins thing's a joke, isn't it? Because as a society, as a people, we can't even tell what kind of plastic is recyclable. I just put it all in. There's a tiny little triangle on it with a number that's supposed to...

Oh, that doesn't help me. Yeah. I just also loved the press conference that Rishi Sunak called because politics is meant to be the art of communication, you know, soaring rhetoric, big ideas. And he always sounds like a Blue Peter presenter. Zach Goldsmith was very critical of Rishi Sunak and Suella Braverman said, I don't agree with Zach Goldsmith.

I mean, he is an expert, but I disagree with him. But, I mean, it's not just in Britain that people have been discussing this. Obviously, what the world needs more than anything else when it comes to global warming... Sorry, it's not called that anymore, is it? Global toasting? Or global flambéing, I think it is at the moment. What the world needs now is another summit. And that's what they had this week.

According to the UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres at this summit, who has opened what, Alistair? Is it a man named Marcus has opened a patisserie in Islington and it's not cheap, but it is deeply pretentious? Is it Rishi Sunak has opened an account on magic8ball.com and that's how he's now procuring all of his political advice yeah well the correct answer is Antonio Guterres said humanity has opened the the gates of hell I mean is this something we should be looking forward to? Because, I mean, I think for too long it's been very much one-way traffic

of people going into hell, but we've not got any benefit of people coming back. Someone hasn't been watching Buffy. Right. It is a terrifying prospect, if we're being honest. Like, I hate the sea, for example, and it's getting bigger. It's getting nearer to us. The sea, I don't think... People think it's beautiful and it's lovely. That, and it's getting bigger. It's getting nearer to us.

The sea, I don't think people think it's beautiful and it's lovely. That's because it's far away. I was watching one of those documentaries that are like, what happened to the missing aeroplane? What happened to Flight 719? I'll tell you what happened to it. It went in the sea. Whenever people are like, oh, they never found the wreckage.

Well, if you've looked on the land and it's not there... LAUGHTER ..I'm telling you it's in the sea. So, well, I mean, let's move this to London now. According to Mayor Sadiq Khan, what could be coming to London sometime soon? Well, it would be silly if... Ooh, Cirque du Soleil. LAUGHTER

It would be silly if I didn't say Ooh, Cirque du Soleil. It would be silly if I didn't say Chris McCausland live at the Hammersmith Apollo. Any other suggestions? What is coming to London soon? Is it a little patisserie? Is it the sea? Is it a heatwave? Well, yes, specifically, 45-degree days. That'll be acute.

So, have any of you got any good advice for how to cope with when the 45-degree heat comes to Britain? Well, I think the first thing we should do is speed up the London ice, which is like a massive fan. I'm personally... I mean, obviously, we all saw this coming. You can't deny that we've seen this coming. So I personally am going to have a couple of small Filipino boys just fan me. And I made some about ten years ago,

so they're just about the right size now. To be able to hold up that palm leaf. I mean, I can make more, but get your orders in now. I mean, there's some things I think would be quite good because I think it would be good for everybody to experience what it's like to go through the menopause. I think that's... I mean, do you know who I'm really worried for?

I'm really worried about Madame Tussauds. Do you know that Keir Starmer is not allowed to go to Madame Tussauds? Why? Because they're worried that they might melt the wrong one down. Yes, Rishi Sunak came out this week either fighting or surrendering, depending on which side you like to butter your political toast and which environmental jam you like to butter it with, if you can indeed butter something with jam.

The Prime Minister channelled his inner Thatcher and said, you turn if you want to. The gentleman is also very much for turning. And delayed some of the government's key green commitments. The Climate Change Committee warned the government had moved backwards. Others claimed the Prime Minister had brought some common sense into the end-of-the-world debate. And, you know, besides which,

are we really that worried about the end of the world? I think we're still, what, top six or seven in the GDP rankings, and the rules of the game are that your final position is where you are when the world ends. So I think we'll take... We'd take top ten, wouldn't we? I don't think we want to finish sixth or seventh because that still gets you into Europe. Sunak's proposal's got a mixed reaction.

Boris Johnson criticised the Prime Minister, but that doesn't necessarily mean that Sunak is right. LAUGHTER He also claimed on the Today programme that he has brought stability and competence in his first year in office. All things being as they are relative. LAUGHTER

At the end of our environmental round, the scores are four points each. Moving on now to our transport round. Now, there are, of course, two main forms of transport in the UK, moving slowly or completely stuck. So I'm going to give our teams a choice of slowly or stuck. Chris and Alistair, you can choose the first one. Which one would you like?

Oh, I like to move slowly. OK. Well, this is to do with moving slowly in Wales. A famous philosopher once said, scream if you want to go faster. I think it was Aristotle when he was working at a fairground. The people of Wales have changed the word scream to what? Sign a petition. Correct.

Yes. It's not quite got the same catchy rhythm, has it? Sign a petition if you want to go faster. I know. Can you explain why they've done that? Well, the speed limit's been reduced to 20 miles an hour. I think at the time we're recording, 350,000 people have signed that petition,

which surely is more people than live in Wales. I mean, I can only imagine there's some sheep on that list which does beg the question however they counted it properly without falling asleep. The argument is you know Welsh Labour are saying that going from 30 down to 20 could reduce congestion and potentially save hundreds of people from being injured, seriously injured or killed on the roads. But I think crucially what they're forgetting is we don't know those people.

So it's very hard to sympathise with some hypothetical future person when I like racing around in my hot rod. I live in London 20 miles an hour is a pipe dream. I mean... I checked Google Maps on the way here today

just to see how long the taxi was going to take and it said it would be quicker to pogo. But, look, there is a big kind of war on motorists and a lot of people think it's very, very, very unfair, so I think the only way to solve this is just fit all pedestrians with a massive airbag. I think that is just... That's just the fairest thing for the driver.

Right. And then we can drive as fast as we like. Exactly. OK, that's... Penny Mordaunt described the whole policy as insane, which I think is really hypocritical, because I watched the coronation. She walked really slowly. which I think is really hypocritical, because I watched the coronation.

She walked really slowly. It did say that it was to cut down on deaths and noise. It kind of sounded like it might be the noise of the deaths that was the problem. And maybe if people would just die quieter, there wouldn't be quite such an issue. Wales has become the first country in the entire history of the United Kingdom, which dates back to 13 billion BC. God invented a universe to fit around this great nation.

To impose a statutory speed limit of 20 miles an hour. Some praised it for safety, others criticised it for being a little bit boring. The limit applies on roads where pedestrians and cars come into close proximity with each other. A poll showed that less than a third of people in Wales were in favour and two thirds were against. A compromise has been suggested whereby cars agree to go slower but pedestrians must get a wriggle on and run everywhere.

The Conservatives have called the speed limit a war on motorists, and I, for one, can't wait for the war poetry to come out. Into the valley of Neath drove the 600, bollards to the left of them, cycle lanes to the right of them, speed cameras in front of them. There's not a reason why. There's but to go slightly slower than they would like to. Ayesha and Ria, would you like stuck or slow?

We just did slow, didn't we? So we should do stuck, I suppose. Stuck. OK, well, this was something that was stuck for a long time. What coming plan has the government suggested to keep down the spiralling cost of HS2? They're going to build the tracks, but not do stations. Apparently the stations are the expensive bit. You'll have to drive alongside the train at the same speed.

And then hop on like Jean-Claude Van Damme. That's not right, but it is actually, I think, more logical than what they are. Any other suggestions? How are they going to save money? I think they more logical than what they are. Any other suggestions how they're going to save money? I think they're just literally going to stop. That's correct.

Just not finish it. They'll be like, ooh, this is expensive. Let's just not. We'll just back away slowly. You know what I mean? Just get far enough away. Whose track is this? Not mine.

I don't know. I have no idea. I just think that the big lesson from everything we've just discussed, we've just looked at transport disasters in England and Wales and I think Northern Ireland must be feeling pretty smug right now. Although the

biggest infrastructure project that's ever taken place in Northern Ireland was the giant's causeways. And that took 60 million years to finish. So actually much shorter than HS2. And it's within budget as well, I think. So it looks like the Manchester leg isn't going to happen.

Yeah. And Manchester leg, by the way, is what made Oasis walk like that. So it's not going to go all the way to Manchester, and they're talking about, this sounds weird, but they're talking about it not going to central London either, which you're genuine, you think I'm not telling the truth, that is part of it.

To save 12 billion quid, it might stop six miles out near Wormwood Scrubs, which is a great opportunity to visit London's glittering west, west, west, north, north-west, north-west end. Yeah, this is a truly extraordinary story. HS2, the big-budget new train line that is all set to revolutionise public transport in the north of England

and boost regional development across the UK by making it very slightly quicker to get from London to Birmingham. The flagship high-speed rail line now looks set to live up to none of the words high-speed rail or even line. Ministers have refused to confirm whether the Transport Lincoln £71 billion metaphor for political failure will or will not reach either of its planned ends. Speculation is rising that not only can the government no longer be asked to extend the line to the north, but it might not even give enough of a flying one to bother stretching it as far as London,

stopping instead in the outskirts of the capital in order to maximise the complete pointlessness of the project as a lesson for future generations so they don't repeat our mistakes. The closest they've got to a long-term transport policy. It's been much criticised, but for me, this is a good news story. At last, a transport project that benefits all regions and nations of the UK equally

by being absolutely useless to everyone. APPLAUSE And that brings our transport round to a conclusion in the middle of nowhere, with the scores now seven to Chris and Alistair and eight to Ayesha and Ria. Moving on now, Keir Starmer, leader of the Labour Party, has pledged to make what better by doing what? His personality by detaching himself entirely from it.

Has he pledged to make his own pledges better by keeping one of them? Well, that's possible. Has he pledged to try and fix the B word? Yes. Well, he sort of wants to try and get a better agreement if he becomes Prime Minister. And who is excited about

reopening that festering soil? More Brexit negotiations. Who's in? Oh, God, it's like one of those horror movie franchises from the 80s, isn't it? It keeps on coming back and every time it's more boring than the last time.

You thought Brexit was boring? Well, this time it's more boring than the last time. You thought Brexit was boring, well this time it's Brexit with fishing quotas. No! You thought that was bad, well now it's

sausage import negotiations with Northern Ireland. Ah! Just let us live! Are you excited about the possible renegotiation of the... I think it's romantic.

Keir Starmer's in Paris, is there a more romantic Are you excited about the possible renegotiation of the... I think it's romantic. Keir Starmer's in Paris. Is there a more romantic sentence than Keir Starmer in Paris? I just want him to sweep me up in his arms and whisper in my ear that everything's going to stay pretty much the same. It wouldn't be fiscally prudent to commit to things getting better at a time like this. I think Keir Starmer's political genius is positioning himself just slightly to the right of Keir Starmer.

Because, let's be honest, the Labour Party needed to distance itself from the wacky left-wing policies of Keir Starmer a year ago. It was interesting, this big moment, meeting Macron, because Macron obviously wants to meet Starmer because he thinks there's a fighting chance he'll be prime minister. And they had this moment where they exchanged gifts and Macron gave Starmer some cufflinks

and Keir gave Macron a football shirt, proving the maxim that men are really crap at buying gifts. Keir Starmer actually gave Macron an Arsenal shirt with his name on the back. I just hope that's not a metaphor for Labour during the run into the election, you know, an Arsenal metaphor like that. Doing really well, out in the lead, they're going to win.

There's no-one that can stop them. Oh, it's all collapsing about March or April. I wonder whether the shirt had the Arsenal visit Rwanda bit on the front. Given that he wants to renegotiate a migrant agreement. That's ballsy. An election is somewhere between a few months and a year and a bit away. How big an issue do you think Brexit might be in that election, Aisha? I don't think it's going to be such a big issue.

I feel like the issue's died down again. The biggest issues are the cost of living crisis and the fact that you can't see your doctor and the fact that every single thing in Britain is totally broken right now. They're the sort of biggest things. But I thought it was interesting, this visit, and Keir Starmer's very much positioning himself

on the world stage this week. We've seen him in Canada, the Netherlands, Paris. It's like he's taking a massive gap year before he's applying for his dream job. And it's funny, because he did a little tour, because he went to Paris with Rachel Reeves and David Lammy, who's the shadow Foreign Secretary. But I have to say, that is not exactly a massive fun crowd.

If I were him, I would have taken Angela Rayner, do you know what I mean? Basically, you'd have got smashed on the Eurostar. She'd have smoked the whole way through the meeting and probably worn a beret for a laugh. Yes, Keir Starmer has said that he will try to renegotiate

the Brexit deal, a pledge that was met with bafflement and confusion across the continent. But seven years since the vote, and three years since Brexit actually happened, it remains the elephant in the room. And not just in the room, but standing between us and the telly, twerking its elephant wobbler right in our

national face. There are now considerably more British people who were too young to vote in 2016 than voted either remain or leave. And at the next election, there will be people of voting age who, when the referendum happened, were children for whom Brexit was that strange thing that made Mummy hit the TV with a baseball bat

and made Daddy put his St George's cross underpants on his head whilst tearfully saying, at last, after 40 years, I'm allowed to do this again. Right, at the end of our Starmer in Paris round, the scores are now nine to Team Not Zero, Chris and Alistair, and 12 to Team Net Zero, Aisha and Ria. Right, our final round now, and it's a money round. Now, there are, of course, some things that money can't buy.

Love, happiness and unicorn milk. But everything else it can buy. There's been a lot of money stories around. One of the richest people in the world, Rupert Murdoch, is quitting as head of Fox and News... I'm surprised this... Because I thought they had the series finale in May. Anyway, do not...

This can go to Chris and Alistair. The cost of living crisis is forcing our young people to abandon what? Their therapists. Is it hitting a metal hoop with a stick? Not as popular as it was in my day.

Giving up on hope, aren't they? Hope, dreams, aspirations, everything. Yeah. There's the comedy for you. Keir Starmer wants to dump the pressure of having to vote on 16-year-olds now as well, doesn't he? I mean, he's obviously trying to open his votership to people who are more likely to be left-leaning,

but can you imagine 16-year-olds voting? When I was 16, my entire opinions on the world came from watching The Word on Channel 4. Do you know any 16-year-old boy that can stop interfering with himself long enough to construct any kind of valid political opinion? When I was 16, I would have voted for whatever party promised to abolish GCSE French

and keep the toilets clean at the Reading Festival. Our next money question. Who was disappointed to have drawn a blank this week? It's the art thing, isn't it? Yes. Somebody got commissioned to do two pieces of art for a museum and they just turned in two blank canvases and called it Take the Money and Run. A more accurate name would be Take the Money and the Piss,

which I respect. I thought the story was absolutely amazing. I mean, he's had a lot of criticism because this person took a lot of money, they did no work, they were unapologetic. Sorry, is this about Michelle Moon or is this about... LAUGHTER Bit niche. Right.

What is art, Andy? Well, I mean, I don't know. How would you define it, Chris? What is art? I've actually... I'm into modern art. I've developed my own piece of modern art and it's actually just a full cup of cold tea sat on a kitchen worktop and I call it having kids.

Well, that brings us to the end of the money round. We actually have a minute left of the show uh so we are we are going to have to do the showbiz round uh after all um it's a bit awkward uh obviously we weren't sure whether or not to include this story this week it's obviously a very big news story but uh not really a subject you want to do in a comedy show for fear of trivializing it because as an industry comedy as a whole has come out of it really badly. I'm not really sure what there is to say about it other than that I hope lessons have been learned and we are moving towards a world

where this kind of thing does not happen anymore. Anyway, here goes our question on the big showbiz story of the week. Who... And we are out of time. Well, at the end of our Money Round, and indeed the end of today's News Quiz, Chris and Alistair on Team Not Zero have 12,

and Ayesha and Ria on Team Net Zero have 14. Darn it! Thank you for listening to this week's News Quiz. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Goodbye. Taking part in the News Quiz. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Goodbye. The producer was Gwyn Rees-Davies, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. APPLAUSE Thank you.