Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 28th April

Episode Date: May 26, 2023

Andy Zaltzman quizzes the week’s news.

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podcasts. The noise you should be able to hear in five seconds time is the test of a new national emergency alarm that will go off to let everyone know when local election excitement reaches fever pitch. Yeah, I think that's basically got it covered. Welcome back to the News Quiz.

Hello, welcome back to the new series of the News Quiz. I'm Andy Zaltzman. It's nearly the end of the newly expanded April Fool's Month, so if the news seems to have been unusually ridiculous over the last few weeks, that is why. Our teams examining it this week, we have Team Gamble responsibly against Team Ramble despondently. On Team Gamble, we have Rialina and Scott Bennett.

And on Team Ramble, we have Simon Evans and, from the spectator, Isabel Hardman. And don't forget, this week's winning team gets to play off against Charles and Camilla in next week's show for the right to be crowned King and Imperial Goddess of all the Britons and represent Team GB at the 6th and May Coronation Shindig Spectacular. So all to play for as we begin with question one. There are local elections next week.

The first ballot box test of whether Rishi Sunak is indeed the least catastrophic leader the Conservatives have had... ..in living memory. So let's start with a look at the state of the nation and its politics. So we'll start with this question for Simon and Isabel. Prime Minister Rishi Sunak suggested a new first name for United Kingdom this week after everyone agreed that United had become simply too sarcastic.

What did he suggest instead? Any other position for the new U in UK? Oh, it has to be a U. Yes. I was going to go for mattress. I think mattress kingdom. I don't think it originally started with you. I think he originally wanted to call it

Rishi's Super Fun Time Happy Playground for the Rich Kingdom. But actually, Jacob Rees-Mogg objected to the idea of anyone being happy. So they changed the name to Unicorn Kingdom in honour of Rees-Mogg because he's pale, fantastical and is also often considered to have a forehead phallus. Yes, Unicorn...

Unicorn Kingdom. It sounds like the worst theme park of all time. I'm old enough to remember Blobbyland, right? And it just... I mean, I don't even know where to start with it, really. I don't know what he was thinking. I mean, it's like, you can imagine it, it's the bleakest scene, really, Unicorn Kingdom. It's kids under three and non-doms getting free.

There was a point when he was talking about it, though, and doing the presentation, when he had to stop and check with someone that it was called Unicorn Kingdom, which sort of gets... It makes me wonder if it was a bet. And they just said, I can't believe he's going to say it, mate.

And he just went, is it called this? And then I just, I can't wait for his My Little Pony mandate. I think that's just an incredible moment where I thought, there's got to be a wind-up. It's just... Well, Boris got away with Peppa Pig World, didn't he? So I think he sort of set the precedent, probably. It's a real thing.

They even have a website, the greatcampaign.com website, which is just advertising to americans to come over and they've called the uk i don't know if you recognize this the uk is a place where fresh ideas and unique perspectives are welcomed and where exploration and curiosity pave the way for progress unless you get here by boat in which case not for you in fairness we could do with some fresh perspectives given our own perspective is that everything is broken. So a tech unicorn is a tech start-up company that's valued at over a billion pounds,

which means the same as a tech start-up value that is actually worth somewhere between absolutely nothing and £100,000. In its first year. I know we're all getting down on it, and I always try and put a bit of a positive spin. We all assume that Silicon Valley, San Francisco is heaven on earth and Cambridge cannot possibly compete.

There are undersides to San Francisco. Huge tent cities, sanctuary city status has attracted all kinds of ne'er-do-wells and homeless from around the country. It's knee-deep in fentanyl, you know, whereas Cambridge, the worst you're going to get is some goth hanging around the war memorial with a bottle of cider. Yeah, it is unicorn that is the new you in UK. It is even possible, according to my sources,

that some leading British unicorns could be put out to stud to produce the next generation of unicorns, whilst Tory insiders say that test tubes of British unicorn, how to put this delicately on a family show, rainbow sludge, are now selling for up to £150 million on the dark web. So, exciting times for this country.

In terms of the local elections, let's turn to some of the big issues. This question can go to Scott and Ria. According to the Bank of England, we are all going to have to accept that we are going to be what? We've got to accept that we are going to be what? This is, we've got to accept that we're worse off, which, I mean, that went down well, didn't it? I mean, this is a guy, it was Hugh Pill, wasn't it, who said this?

He said that, I mean, this guy lives in a £1.5 million house and he's on £190,000 a year and he's telling us to accept that we're poor. It's a bit like Keith Richards telling you to back off the Lemsip. Isn't it? I mean, those definite facts, £190,000 salary, £1.5 million

house. Apparently, yeah. He's been really screwed over there with his mortgage there, hasn't he? You would think a bloke who worked for the Bank of England could leverage a salary at that scale to get a lot more into property. I'm surprised about that. I'm beginning to have my doubts

about the efficacy of the board of that institution, I've got to tell you. He also said that Brits, as well as accepting that they're poorer, shouldn't ask for a pay rise. And I didn't realise that monetary policy was actually being written by the characters in A Christmas Carol. It really frustrates me because the whole idea of not

asking for bigger wages is that you're not supposed to be spending as much in order to decrease inflation stop you know so don't ask for more money to afford all the expensive stuff instead stay poor and stop buying stuff like food if you you don't mind, for a little while. But that's the thing. We have some heritage cheese in the fridge, which I'm hoping will be a decent investment in the long term. You're just going to sell it off bit by bit? Yeah.

Do you charge more or less for the mouldy bits? Absolutely more. That is character. It's like those labels you get on leather jackets. It may appear mottled and disfigured, but that's actually part of the character of the thing, isn't it? Just don't tell Liz Truss, because her response will be, that is a disgrace.

I think the food thing's interesting. I mean, we did a freezer eat-down the other week as well. I don't know if anyone's done that. It's like frozen tapas. Sort of every meal's a surprise, isn't it? Your kids look at you like you've lost your mind. It's like Heston Blumenthal's cooking, you know. Sweet corn, falafel, potato waffles and breast milk.

I mean, that was a mistake. I thought it was cod in butter sauce. My daughter's five, so label your Tupperwares. But it's about thinking outside the box, isn't it? They sell it in Covent Garden. Do they? Yeah, breastmilk. Yeah, they do.

It's gone, I've eaten it. Where do you think I get my heritage cheese from? That's been through several phases, that cheese. And how old's your youngest? Heritage yoghurt. And how old are you, your youngest? Ever did yoghurt? I think that would be very stressful in my household because I keep my wool in the freezer. Your wool?

Yeah. Keeps the moths off it. That you've recently got off the sheep or that you're... That I'm knitting. Just prior to knitting it, I just freeze my wool. Literally mad. I mean, we've had different strategies, haven't we? We've had levelling up, which we're still waiting for, I think.

We've had trickling down. This is just admitting defeat, I think. It's a nice little extension in that system, I think. Sort of pissing up the wall rather than trickling down. Pissing up the wall, taking us from behind. It's plenty, really. Make your own, you know. It's not good, whatever it is. Moving on with the scores now, tied at four points each.

What is apparently happening 800 times a day in this country? Software update. That may be true. It's not the answer I've got written down here. Any other suggestions? Strikes, prime ministerial resignation. Oh, it's close. You're rounding up very slightly. Intermittent fasting.

If you get that eating window really down, three and a half minutes. Aggressive movements. And I'm not talking about Just Stop Oil. It's sewage, isn't it? That is correct. Apparently, it's the wet wipes that are the problem, but I'm sure those MPs had their reasons for voting down the bill.

But, yeah, it's the sewage, isn't it? It's the sewage being discharged. Untreated. Untreated. Untreated sewage. Not like that nice treated sewage. Yeah. I'd go sewage being discharged untreated untreated untreated sewage um not like that nice treated sewage yeah i go for a paddle in that no problem a little bit of the raw stuff gets in there i'm not so happy with that heritage

very good so this is all about you know water companies are releasing sewage into British waterways 800 times a day. Labor proposed that we make it illegal, which then got voted down by the Tories a couple days ago. I mean, you would have presumed that doing a turd in drinking water is already against the law. Or I would have had a lot more fun as a waitress. I mean, it is. It's disgusting. People have seen wet wipes, tampons and other detritus just floating around in swimming water. Although, can I just say, I think tampons are the problem.

Tampons are actually quite good. I don't know if you know this, they're very absorbent. So they could really help reduce sea levels. It was actually quite a bizarre... It's always a bizarre day in the Commons. Who am I kidding? But it was a particularly bizarre day in the Commons because Labour had tabled their motion

and because of the way that the government tried to sort of neutralise it, treat it I suppose they ended up having to abstain on it so there was this moment where the Labour whips basically turned up to the Labour front bench and asked them if they

could sort of hold it for a bit longer. Caught between two stools. Don't groan that, you bastards! Perfectly functional pun. We like swimming in raw sewage. I think

it's part of my childhood at any seaside was swimming in seas that will kill you. I think this is what we keep doing. It's a seaside tradition for your children to come out the sea a little bit sticky. You know, it saved me a fortune on car seats. They're like Velcro, I just put them in the back. I could do 75 into a hairpin bend.

They wouldn't even wobble. I mean, I dread to think what the underside of a swan looks like now. I was thinking it must look like the wheel arch of an old Land Rover. Sitting on sewage all day, I feel sorry. They can't go anywhere. They're there. It's just like us, messing ourselves and just going,

couple more hours before I deal with that. They are spending millions on more storm drains, though, weren't they? To stop sewage getting in our water. But how bad is your toilet trip if it's technically a storm? Yes, with the state of our waters becoming something of a questionably boiled political hot potato ahead of the local elections, the government has pledged to enshrine in law

a new target for water companies to stop blasting sewage into our rivers, and to do it quickly too, by 10 to 9 this evening in fact. I assume that's what it says by 2050. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Let's move on to the Labour Party

now. Ria and Scott can have this question. We often criticise our politicians for speaking without thinking first. Which politician this week was criticised for, not for speaking without thinking first, but for writing having thought not once, but at least twice about it, and then still

writing it. It was Diane Abbott. Had yet another too many gins on the train. She wrote a letter where she commented that there was a difference between racism and prejudice

and that some people didn't experience both, essentially. But then when it came out, she was like, oh, no, it was a first draft, it was a first draft. You know, I didn't mean it, and she apologized. I mean, for goodness sake, Diane, it was a first draft? What kind of an excuse is that, huh? Oh, yeah, everyone's anti-Semitic in their first draft, aren't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The firstSemitic in their first draft, aren't they?

The first draft of Jaws was actually called Jews. That's not offensive, it's just a first draft. Well, as a straight white man, I feel my privilege is enough for me to blunder into this. I don't know, like you said, there has to be an alert system for politicians now

that when they flirt with something potentially career-ending, there's got to be, like, if you type a word like Jewish or trans, it's just a little box comes up and goes, whoa, have a think, mate. But, I mean, I don't think... Not only did she minimise the experience of others, she then brought in the redheads, which was really strange. She said that ginger people were never made to go to the back of the bus.

Well, she didn't go to my school. I can't help thinking Keir is very happy that she's made this blunder. I think he's been waiting for an opportunity to kick her out ever since he took over from Corbyn, and the cleaner his slate by the time he faces a general election from the hideous memories of what he went into supporting 2019, the happier he is. I think this has been an absolute result for him.

I wouldn't be surprised if he typed the thing, to be honest. This is a story that touched me because I'm not only a lapsed Jew, but also a lapsed ginger. Thanks to the ageing and balding processes. How's your colon? That's a new game show coming up on radio.

Yes, former front-bencher Diane Abbott has been suspended from the party after writing a letter to The Observer saying that Jewish, Irish and Traveller people do not experience racism but rather prejudice. Abbott mentioned historic human rights atrocities including pre-civil rights America, apartheid South Africa and the transatlantic slave trade. You've missed a big old human rights atrocity out there, Diane. Of course, expecting Labour to be able to steer clear of party infighting, particularly with an election just days away,

is as touching a display of naivety and optimism as taking a defibrillator to the Natural History Museum. Let's move on. The scores are six points all. APPLAUSE Let's move slightly overseas now. This can go to Isabel and Simon. According to Home Secretary Suella Braverman... Those words still don't sound right. According to Home Secretary Suella Braverman. Those words still don't sound right.

According to Home Secretary Suella Braverman, who, quotes, possess values which are at odds with our country? Is it TK Maxx? No? OK. People who, if you ask them how they are, tell you. That is against our national heritage. It's all the people crossing in the boats. They're trying to make out like they don't possess British values.

Jenrick said something similar as well. But they're both right, because they are very different. For example, when these boat people come to our country, they'll probably try and learn the language. Which Brits don't tend to do when they go to foreign countries, do they? No, just talk louder. It's always worked. Louder and slower. Make your language do the work. That's our motto.

I think it's the claim she's made that it's bringing in increased criminality. I think that's been the sort of offensive thing, which we don't need, which is fair enough, because the Met have already reached the recruitment target. So... But... But, I mean, how does she know they are criminals? By... Who does she think she is? Columbo? I mean...

Were you covering Suella Bradman's Home Office... Home Affairs Select Committee today? No, I wasn't, but I was covering the illegal migration bills final stages in the Commons last night, which was... Party, party, party. Oh, God, my life is very exciting. I mean, it was... You know what? There were just so many opponents of this legislation

who were just slagging it off all these lefty lawyers like jeffrey cox the former conservative attorney general and theresa hostile environment may and that very well-known brochure list in duncan smith yes some curious comments from uh the government uh this week immigration minister robert comments from the government this week. Immigration Minister Robert Jenrick, defending the government's illegal migration bill, claimed that the values and lifestyles of small boat refugees are threatening our national

social cohesion. And at least it was reassuring to know that national social cohesion still exists. I assume it's like smallpox. They've got a secret vial of national social cohesion in a laboratory somewhere for research purposes. So even though it has been very successfully wiped out after years of hard work,

it's not technically completely extinct and there's still the lingering danger of it being let out at some point. At the end of that round, the scores are now eight to Team Gamble, Ria and Scott, six to Simon and Isabel on Team Ramble. APPLAUSE team Gamble, Ria and Scott, six to Simon and Isabel on team Ramble. Right, to conclude the show we are now going to do a Choose a

Continent round. There are seven continents that have thus far been discovered in the world. Don't know how many more there are. Just what are facts these days? Our panellists have to choose a continent

and I will give them a question about it. Simon, I'll let you have first choice. Any continent you'd like to question on? Asia. That's a continent, isn't it? That is a continent. OK, here's your question on Asia. Clear, easy, satisfying. And wrong. continent um okay uh here's your question on asia clear easy satisfying and wrong this intriguing advertising slogan was applied to what this week by foreign secretary james cleverly pot noodles

is it his own surname It's not that. No. It's war with China, isn't it, I think? Yes. We're declaring a new Cold War. Yeah. With China, are you in favour of that bit of Cold War nostalgia? Are you looking at the qualified and credentialed journalist?

No, I was looking at you, Simon. I, as a stand-up comedian, have a very shallow understanding of things, but I think war with China at this point would be hasty, yeah. While we're on Asia, Ria, you can take this question. Who is set to overtake whom by the end of this month? And in what? Oh, um... Is it Jeremy Vine in a van? Those videos are amazing.

Stunning. How long does he spend editing those? Just like he's got drones above his head, he's a menace on the roads, that man. I think it's the population of India is going to overtake the population of China sometime at the end of this month. Yes.

Any moment now. It's happening now. Literally. Yeah, literally's happening now. Literally. Yeah, literally now. It's the UN that have said this, isn't it? So, I mean, how do they know? I mean, it sounds like they've influenced it, really. Do you know what I mean?

They've installed digital scales beneath the continents. I just imagine them turning up in Mumbai with some bath bombs, a bag of oysters and the best of Marvin Gaye. The Indian population is set to overtake China's as the largest in the world at some point this month.

It is an interesting fact. The population of India doubled between 1989 and 2013, which were the years of Sachin Tendulkar's test match career. So I guess when you look at that population group, the Indian people found that there was something in that beautifully correct high front elbow that made them... I'm not blaming them, I'm just interpreting the facts.

Or they were bored and they found something else to do. You are deducted eight points. Eight points off. So sorry. Brave move. So we wiped out our points. Scott, choose your continent. Europe, please.

Who has been firing rockets at whom this week? This is Norway and Sweden. So Sweden has fired a rocket into Norway. I love how it's worded, this story, because they said it was on the brink of war. But then when you actually get under the surface of it, it's sort of like the rocket landed in the neighbour's territory, which is so quaint.

It's like they've kicked a ball over a fence and Sweden's got to go round and ask for it back. It's so... Do you know what I mean? Just distract them with a roll mop herring and I'll get it. It's just... I mean, I love it. You feel like their Viking ancestors are looking down going, you've really chilled out, you. There's something in the Scandinavian character.

They find it an intolerable burden that they are the country's most blessed with peace, prosperity, functional societies, the world's most naturally glowing skin. They just have to invent trouble for themselves. Scandinoir, oh, no, there's been another murder. No, there hasn't. There has not been a murder in Scandinavia since the 1940s.

They have death metal. All their teenagers create bands where they try and call down Satan to bring some excitement into them. It's just an extraordinary burden on them that everything works too well. They're now having to drop harmless missiles into each other's back gardens to try and get it to kick off a bit. Just spice life up a little bit. They do have the highest fictional murder rate in the world, though.

They do that, yeah. They're way above us, though, aren't they, in the best countries to live in. So I think if it does escalate, you know, one silver lining is we'll climb the rankings. It'd be nice to win something, won't it? Because Eurovision, that ain't happening for us, let's be honest, but

sorry to, you know, Eurovision fans in. Spoiler alert. They came second last year. Have you no hope? No. Yes, Scandinavia, the rude-shaped, dangly landmass that looms over mainland Europe like a levitating sausage over a vegan picnic, is on the very brink of war after Sweden accidentally fired a test rocket into Norway

and Norway got slightly cross about it. Is there any way to stop full-scale military conflict? Yeah, it's Scandinavia. They'll just probably forget it and get on with life. Our final continent, with the scores tantalising... Oh no, you've got zero points now, haven't you? Because of the cricket comment. The scores now

before our final continent, the scores are 14 to Simon and Isabel, 0 to Ria. Final continent, and it has to be Antarctica, so will someone ask for Antarctica? Antarctica. Good choice, Ria. Highest IQ.

Antarctica has the highest IQ of any continent. Really? Yeah, because the only people that live there are... Are immigrants. ..are scientists. APPLAUSE What famous residents of the notoriously chilly continent of Antarctica will have a warm glow inside this week?

I think you mean Penguin. Correct. It's Shaka the Fairy Penguin. Basically, they've noticed that as Shaka was walking, there's a bit of a wobble in the waddle. A wobble in the waddle. a wobble in the waddle. And so the vets gave it an MRI scan, which if you watch the footage, it's incredible. It must be a weird point in your day when you realise you're holding a penguin's wing and start stroking its

belly. I don't know what else they did, put on the blue planet, try and get it comfortable. So they discovered that the wobble in the waddle was due to the fact that it's a penguin, that's how they walk. Yes, it's not just the BBC which is accused of needing intervention because of a perceived lack of balance. Chaka the fairy penguin has become the first penguin in penguin history to receive an MRI scan because he was, quotes, wobbly. Which is a big issue if you're a penguin. You're already a bird who can't fly. The last thing you want to become is, to all intents and purposes, a bollard that won't stand up.

That brings us to the end of this week's news quiz of the final score. Simon and Isabel have 16. Ria and Scott have 2. Thank you. Some breaking news just reaching us another strike action, the National Association of Employment Dispute Journalists is going on strike

complaining of brutal working hours Don't forget if you still haven't got your ticket for the coronation next week you can apply by sending a stamped address postcard to Buckingham Palace and completing the sentence, I should be invited to the coronation despite my questionable human rights record because... in no fewer than 20 words. And do try to include the phrase, critically valuable trade partner.

Thank you for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Ria Lina, Scott Bennett, Isabel Hardman and Simon Evans. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Catherine Brinkworth, Jade Gebbie and Kate Dennett.

The producer was Sam Holmes, and it was a BBC Studios production. APPLAUSE