Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 7th June

Episode Date: June 14, 2024

Andy Zaltzman quizzes the week's news. Providing all the answers are Ian Smith, Geoff Norcott, Shaparak Khorsandi and Anushka Asthana.In this first episode of the new series, the panel catches up on all things General Election, Trumped up charges (all 34), and a recently discovered royal kid.Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material by: Christina Riggs, Jade Gebbie, Mike Shephard & Stephen Mawhinney Producer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Co-ordinator: Sarah Nicholls Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4 An Eco-Audio certified Production

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hello, I am Andy Zoltzman and I'm here at GCHQ to test the new national excitementometer to see how this election campaign is inspiring the country. It simply hacks into everyone's computers, tablets, mobile phones, smart speakers, dating profiles and souls and interprets the state of their political excitedness. Sorry, it seems to be broken. and souls and interprets the state of their political excitedness. Sorry, it seems to be broken, I'm not getting a reading. Oh no, sorry, it was working and I wasn't getting a reading.

Let's see if we can crank it up to at least 0.01 dimble bees as we welcome you to the new series of The News Quiz. Yes, welcome to the first News quiz of the 2024 election campaign. Well as you can see we have hand selected an audience which represents the mood of the entire nation. During this pre-election purda period of course there are some restrictions on what we are and are not allowed to say. We have been asked for example to try to minimise the use use of the phrases sodding hell, what have we become? Please make it stop and dear great uncle Peter, I'm sorry you died for this.

Maximum of one per minute. I think too much of those. And our teams in this week are the first leaders debate and in a tribute to 1980s sports presenters we have team Wrong Bickering versus team Des Linum, short for Desperate Lying Numbers. On team Bickering, we have Shappi Korsandi and Ian Smith. And on team Linum, we have Jeff Norcott and from ITV News, Anushka Rastana.

From Linham we have Jeff Norcott and from ITV News Anushka Asthana. And our first question can go to Jeff and Anushka. Who this week went head to head with their nation's future at stake? Could have been the debate which was so exciting on ITV. We had Rishi Sunak looking like he was trying to win Junior Apprentice. We had Keir Starmer, the human manifestation of Nando's lemon and herb. It really was... Oh, my God, it was all going on. Julie Etchidham saying, oh, we will lower our voices like a sort of step-mum. At that point, I'd have just gone, you're not my real mum.

I'd just run out at that point. It was so exciting. Keir Starmer's dad is a tool maker, doesn't know if anybody knew. The thing is, I do think the public, the polling showed that the public kind of liked it, but he got 4.8 million viewers, which on average, that is pretty good. Got even higher at some point. In the streaming age, that's good, and you know what ITV are like, if something does well, they'll do it again. I mean, the one guarantee, we're going to have leaders debate on ICE,

we're going to have leaders debate the road trip with Stephen Mulholland and Bradley Walsh as well. I mean, look, if you're a politics nerd, I sort of enjoyed it, but I wasn't sure how much it would have moved the dial. They don't tend to move the dial massively, although they can move the kind of the air war, if you like. Do you remember 2010? Clegg Mania? You loved a bit of Nick Clegg.

That did change the polls quite dramatically, but he didn't get any more seats because the ground war, it turns out, is quite important in an election. Well, I mean, the thing with Star Wars, it was actually his chance to introduce himself to the country, so a lot of people didn't know a lot about him. And he's got this narrative that he was sort of lower middle class,

upper working class, and the thing that he says is that he had his phone cut off once. And the thing about... Right, you hear a working class person at the back there, is we're very competitive about poverty. It's about you thinking, oh, you got your... Had your phone cut off? Oh, you had a phone.

La-dee-dah, here's Starmie. They're sort of playing top trumps as to who had more of a humble background. But I think Starmie just about shades it right. I think what he was trying to do was, you know, the lady who'd asked the question, it was really sad. Like, so many things had gone wrong for her. She had to, like, just put the oven on on the weekend because she didn't want to use electricity at peak times.

And she's saying to these two men, do either of you actually understand how I feel? That was Liz Truss who asked that question, wasn't it? The problem with Rishi is he does come across like the bloke. You know when your teacher would say, on a Thursday there's a test tomorrow, Rishi would be going, yes. He thinks he should be prime minister because he revised hard enough for it, doesn't he? would say on a Thursday there's a test tomorrow wish you'd be going yes he

thinks he should be Prime Minister because he revised hard enough for it doesn't he and he's definitely got head boy vibes and I think the star me is like it's just alright he sort of seems like the first bloke that your mum dates after getting divorced and he's got that yeah fine I don't think he's her one but certainly why she rebuilds her self-esteem, you know? He treats her nice. I think that's the most accurate explanation

of our political landscape I've ever heard, Jeff. Shappi and Ian, you are representative of the entire British electorate. How did you find the debate? I found it great fun. I thought it was brilliantly childish. I really enjoyed all the, your ideas are rubbish. Well, at least I've got an idea.

Go on then, what's your idea? I'm not telling you. I enjoyed Rishi's strategy of lying. That was enormous fun. He fancies the dinner lady he's gonna tax you two thousand pounds Angela Rainer's an arsonist it apparently took him 12 times before he then realized I should probably rebuke that 12 12 times it was two grand, two

grand until he was like hang on a second no! I reckon you could say that Keir Stammer has murdered someone in a debate and it'd only be in the car journey on the way home when he's like no I didn't! There's something sort of bathroom fan about him. It sort of... It does the job, but you're quite relieved when it turns off. Can I tell you what I really did enjoy? The first question they were asked was kind of hypothetical nonsense, wasn't it?

She... Julie Etchingham said, would you, if your loved one was on a long NHS waiting list, pull them out and pay for private? And Rishi immediately went, yes, looking slightly baffled, like he'd been asked a really easy would you rather question. Would you rather have a cucumber sandwich or get eaten by a bear? And also, bless them, soon next, I reckon they go private when they need a lem sip I think when when they asked the NHS and private health care question I think to prove whether they were honest with their answers. They should have then revealed that they'd poisoned the relative

So then they come out to seriously ill relatives They've been poisoned they got about two hours to find a cure. There is a three hour waiting list on the NHS, Kia. Or you can go private. And if Kia is a man of his word, he will watch that relative die. That's another ITV format right there. I mean I actually think that I would have rather been Rishi going into it. I actually think the pressure of being so far ahead of maintaining that was tricky because Labour have got this big poll lead without standing for a great deal you know and it's sort of like it's like your wife saying I'm leaving

you for another man and you going what's his name her going, I don't know yet. Right? I had no idea. The £2,000 claim was one of the big talking points from the debate. And where would you say that sits on the scale of political believability, which of course runs from complete unashamed lie via willfully misrepresented half truth all the way up to actual cold hard

statistic that has been manipulated, twisted, squished, shredded, roasted and marinated in the tears of a clown. It doesn't go any higher than that. How do they reach that figure? I mean the £2,000 is quite out there. I have had a look at the document, it's called Labour's Tax Rises. It basically is actually about Labour's spending promises which we actually haven't had yet because we haven't had the manifesto so you don't normally add them up from things that they talked about previously. Rishi Sunak claimed it was done by the Independent Civil Service and there's a great guy called Alex Thomas from the Institute for Government

and I was watching him tweet all the way through the show and he was like not independent and then about ten minutes later he'd be again, not independent. And then later in the show he was like, not independent. And basically they'd taken this big huge spending amount of I think it was 38 billion or something, divided it by working people because pensioners don't pay tax and come up with just over 2,,000 over four years and then if you'd done it right at that point you might have divided it by four and come up with £500 which still wouldn't have been entirely correct. So they in theory quadrupled it. And my favourite thing was that the spectator, which tends to support the Conservative Party, showed

us how they did the sum and then did the exact same sum for Rishi Sunak. And guess what the Conservative tax policies are going to come to? £3,000! I like to think that, well I know, I know that someone would have had to sit down with Rishi and explain to him that £2,000 was a lot of money for most people. I've seen, I think it was on Question Time when a couple of people were getting angry about the labour put in VAT on private schools. And people will often say that it's not easy, I had to scrimp and save to send my kids to private school.

And I just think, well, if you can no longer afford to, you've now got 18 grand. Just like... APPLAUSE You just... As a consequence of not going to private school, you just have loads of money and you still get to take your kids to school. So they don't lose out on anything. And I reckon you could probably spend two grand of that

on bribing teachers to give them better grades. You still have 16 grand up. Yeah. Let's look now at a new entry into the election scene. This question can go to Shappi and Ian. Why, for the Conservatives, is Nigel Farage taking over as leader of Reform UK like a cheese-induced dream about a psychotic German sausage? Is one of the more serially worded questions? Because it's not worst case scenario. So Feroz has pledged to be a bloody

nuisance in his own words. It's bad that that's I mean that's the best he set himself out to be. Not like I'm gonna change your lives to the better he's going I'm gonna be a pain in the arse. You let me into parliament and we've been knocking over people's cups of coffee, stuff like that. He's also said he's going to put Clacton on the map. But I've checked, it is. I mean, he was really upset. The whole milkshake thing he got thrown, because usually he makes

a mess for other people to clear up. There's this thing I heard he said that he was just saying to a journalist that there's certain parts of the North that you go to and they're not speaking English. And the thing is they can speak English, but they've seen him and they're calling him a wazook in their own language The thing with Farage right is where he's like his the way he operates is incredibly effective because the way that he talks He's got they got a rhythm to it. He just gets going and he's got he says lots of words for things not working It's a farce. It's a shambles, it's a lunacy, it's a joke. I think a lot of his career is based on synonyms actually.

He says he's gonna destroy the Tory party. I think that shit might have sold me. I mean this is the eighth attempt at getting a seat. I don't know if anybody else had like an auntie or an uncle that took like 10 or 11 driving tests. When they did eventually pass, no one wanted to go in that car with them, did they? I do feel like, I mean, his bodyguards are awful. Because you've got one job with Farage and that's to look out for McDonald's milkshakes. And I imagine the interview process of being his bodyguard is question one, are you lactose intolerant?

That's going to be your main stuff. But some of the quotes, Richard Tice from Reform said, the juvenile moron who threw a drink over Nigel has gained us hundreds of thousands more votes. Imagine if you're an undecided voter and seeing a banana milkshake hit someone in the face is what makes you go, yep, he's got mine actually, he's got mine. I like the way he took that to the face but the the girl who threw the

milkshake it's been revealed that she's a an only fans model so I think she's done it to promote her only fans page but what a very nervous laugh from one eye to the other. Well, I haven't looked at it. I'm not subscribing. But it is a weird set of people, your advertisers there, are watching the news and going, oh yeah, look, Farage has just had a milkshake thrown at him by a lovely young girl. Anushka, you've been interviewing some of the party leaders this week and Richard Tice, now former party leader. What have you learned about the nature of humanity from that? It was interesting because we had invited the leader of Reform UK to be interviewed in the show I'm sure you all watched after the debate another hour of politics with Richard Tice, Stephen Flynn, Ed Davey. Could we ring them?

Like a real-life Ed Davey. I mean we could but not right now. He's probably too busy throwing himself off a paddleboard isn't it? What is his game? I mean is it a live-action audition for a reboot of Some Mothers Do Have Them? It's really weird that this guy, his main focus seems to be that at the end of all this we'll know who Ed Davey is. That's his focus. Basically I think there's two things going on and I actually, you could say objectively at the moment it looks like it's going quite well for them. The first thing was they had a choice like do we want him to

look like the guy who was Minister for the Post Office in the moment it looks like it's going quite well for them. The first thing was they had a choice. Do we want him to look like the guy who was minister for the post office in the moment that the greatest scandal in British history was emerging? Or the embarrassing dad who goes down, water slides on a rubber ring, and they went for the latter. But secondly, they have this idea, which is it's harder to get in the news if you're Ed Davey. So we do all this crazy stuff. We get in the news if you're Ed Davey So we do all this crazy stuff

We get in the news we break through and then we turn and I don't know if you've seen this week He's been doing Really quite moving stuff about his own life as a carer to his mom who died when he was 15 and then to His son now and I mean I think apparently people who really really are gonna vote Tory Whatever really hate the Ed Davey stunts. And in fact I was sat in the room with one the other day who was just standing there going, what a stupid thing to do! But they think that the people who are a little bit more possible to vote Lib Dem actually find him quite likeable.

Would you call him now? Right, so we have a question on Wales. Yes, okay, right. Let's go to Anushka and Jeff. Despite the party's strong lead in national opinion polls, which prominent Labour politician was very low on confidence this week? It's Vaughan Gething because he's lost a confidence vote. Correct.

He's only just got the job, isn't he? He's only just got the job. I think it's something I told him seven days ago. And actually, for our younger listeners, 77 days would in earlier times be considered not very long in office. Times have changed a bit. And it's sort of amazing and at the moment still hanging on, but it's sort of amazing what's been happening all over the place.

We have a very volatile politics on all parts of the UK. Can I just ask, so is there no confidence vote? Are they voting as to whether they think he's confident or not? Because I reckon if someone was having a no confidence vote in me, first thing I'd do, backwards baseball cap on. The other thing that was sort of weird about it is that he lost it because two Labour members

of the Welsh Assembly were off sick. Otherwise he would have been okay. Keir Starmer wouldn't let him get private health care, that's all it is. And were they off sick as in they were ill or were they off because they were too sick for the Welsh Parliament? Well yes we are in unexpected election season. Sales of sensory deprivation tanks have been skyrocketing across the land. So far the election has captured the public imagination like a baby penguin captures a polar bear in a pair of fishnet stockings.

This week, of course, we've marked the 80th anniversary of D-Day, and the unfathomable sacrifices made and tragedies endured to protect for all time our right and freedom to watch two men bicker on prime time television. But of course, when it comes to the £2,000 calculations, for any kids out there about to do their final GCSE maths exam on Monday, just remember, don't bother showing you're working or indeed don't bother getting your answer right, just write your answer over and over again and hope that the exam election round, the score hasn't changed. It seems appropriate.

Nil-nil. Let's move on to the rest of the universe now. And a question from America. This can go to Ian and Shappi. Who isn't going anywhere soon and couldn't perhaps be going anywhere for quite a long time Well, I guess this will be Donald Trump. Yes, because he could be going to prison Yeah, probably won't be going to prison will probably appeal and then probably won't go to prison But could go to prison

But he's he's guilty on all 34 counts. And I think it would have been much funnier because they had to read out every single guilty verdict. I'd have him guilty for the first 33, but then slip in a not guilty at the end. Just as a little, there you go. He's got, he was very sassy when he came out of the courtroom.

He was like, he'd overdosed on Lizzo. And he was just brilliantly batshit when he came out. Millions of people are crossing our borders right now from prisons, mental homes. Terrorists are coming over. General Zod has landed in Oklahoma. And nobody knows where Superman is. Nobody knows. Because he paid a sex worker to keep quiet out of his campaign money. And they still love him.

And when you think Ed Miliband, you know, he was scuppered by a sandwich. We're such different cultures. Let's hang on to that, shall we? I mean, the point though is that it's such a small number of people who will swing the American election in a few Midwestern states and a few southern states. And the question we don't know is, obviously this is hugely working up his base to love him more than ever.

Yet what we don't yet know is the impact it has on those slightly more moderate Republicans who are going to swing this election one way or another? I mean, what's weird about it in a way is it's actually not illegal to sleep with a porn star. It's actually not illegal to pay them hush money, but you can't falsify business accounts. He didn't actually need to do it,

and a lot of his base think this is awesome. You dare write he slept with a porn star? You know, Joe Biden couldn't do that. I mean, Rishi Sunak's team, they might look at the bounce that Donald's got and go, look, have we got enough time for Rishi to sleep with a porn star? And play a husband. The only problem would be is that American porn stars got really cool exotic names like Stormy Daniels,

it wouldn't sound as cool if it said like British PM pays off Tina Tits. It's not... You know, like... That was a cartoon that we watched at my school as part of sex education. That was as far as we got. She's going to be absolutely delighted with the free advertising she's getting. Yeah, I mean it is hard as outsiders to understand that America could even be contemplating voting for Trump again. It feels a bit like seeing a half-eaten single man

Swiping right on another crocodile Right, I think with the scores still locked at nil-nil Let's move on to our final round and this is it's a money round and I'll quit this first question I go to shabby and Ian who was Absolutely on the money this week. Oh It looked like Prince Andrew It did but it wasn't no. Yeah Prince Andrews rarely been on the money especially when it comes to the age of

Probably shouldn't finish that line for life It was Prince Charles' face. Sorry. I find it really difficult to call him King Charles because I just didn't grow up with it. It's really weird and it just reminded me of like, you know when a cute little kid is absolutely convinced that they're going to be a puppy for that day and you all have to go, yes, you're a doggy. Yes, you are. He would be a King Charles Spaniel, of course.

When they were growing up. The head on the bank note looks so depressed. He actually looks like he's saying, my youngest isn't talking to me. I don't see the grandkids. Those new notes, I think, would sober up any man in a strip club. They would just get it out and go,

Dave, I've got to call my wife. And it's just come so late for him because, you know, no one uses stamps anymore and nobody really uses notes anymore. You can just imagine him going, well, never mind, at least I've still got the King's speech. And his advisors are going, oh, how are we going to break it to him gently? Tell you what, we're going to launch the King's Speech as a podcast. The picture says it was based on a picture taken in 2013, which is how a lot of people on dating apps operate.

So who's he trying to impress? He might as well write single and ready to mingle in Latin underneath it. He might as well write single and read it in mingle in Latin underneath it or something. You can now get a Charles note and an Elizabeth note in your wallet at the same time and I found it's very difficult not to do the voices in your head like they're having a catch-up. And I think his face, because he doesn't look very happy, but I think he should get happier the higher the denomination of the note. So when, like five pounds is like that, this is barely scratching the surface. Fifty massive cheeky grin on his face.

The thing is, I know what you mean about the photo, he doesn't look that happy, but equally we are the cocaine capital of Europe and he couldn't be doing a cheeky wink and a thumbs up could he? Go on, get stuck in lads, get stuck in. I mean the thing is we still need to see the Royals, we are going contactless and we need to see the Royals, I think it's important. So I think every time you tap you should see Prince Andrew's face, because that would bring the inflation down wouldn't it?

It's hard in a cashless society, because I used to make a lot of my decisions by flipping a coin, so now I've started flipping a bank card, but it doesn't have as good a ring to it to say long number off redigit security card. I love the idea of your thing about him just getting happier, because if you held it as a wad of notes, you could flick them all and it would be like animation. Speaking of Charles and money, who got who's goat this week?

This is, it surfaced that there was an old piece of pottery by then Prince Charles of a goat and he misunderstood it when he was asked to do a model of Nanny. There you go. There you go. Shut up. No, you don't get to laugh then, Groan. You've got to pick a side there, guys. The incredible thing about it is it looks like... I don't think people should look at the photo of it,

because it looks like it's been drizzled in mustard and barbecue sauce. They'll probably end up with an art student with his face glued to it. It's quite intricate considering the the thickness of his fingers. I think he was younger when he did it he was younger when he did it I thought that looking at the goat I just thought it's no wonder the monarchy had to steal art from other countries. Can you imagine what the crown jewels would have looked like if they'd had to make them? The Koh-i-Noor would have been made at a pasta shell. The person who sold it said it belonged to a great aunt who was a cook at Cambridge University and he said I believe she knew the future king on a personal basis.

And immediately I was like oh yeah I see what's happened here. It's your classic post-coital gift of a ceramic goat. As King Charles always used to say, he's a love him and leave him kind of guy, and by leave him, he means leave them a ceramic goat. Do we know it's definitely by him? Because it only sold for eight and a half grand. Right.

But did you see it? Are you saying it's not actually his kid? Yes, this is indeed King Charles's forgotten kid from his wild 1960s student days. The 8,500 pounds, that's quite a lot of money for a goat. And it does suggest that as a nation, we should set Charles to work 18 hour days in a special studio at Bucky Palace churning out Little sculptures of farm animals. I reckon he could whack out what one every 20 minutes if he really buckles down six days a week

50 weeks a year. I'm not a monster that works out at eight and a half grand per figure Actually, let's bump it up to 12,000. He's king now. That's a hundred and ninety four point four million pounds for the economy every year That's enough to give two thousand pounds to every working family Well that brings us to the end of our first news quiz election campaign special and the scores are Let's call it 43 percent to 42% in favour of whoever you think won. Don't forget, also you can catch this week's real election debate on Radio 4 and BBC Sounds. That's a show which aims to achieve a more sophisticated, nuanced debate than is possible in the televised debate.

Sir Michel Hussain will be moderating as the Tories and Labour respectively release a mongoose and a ferret into a bag to fight to the death. Thank you very much for listening, I've been Andy Zoltzman, goodbye! An additional material was written by Christina Riggs, Jade Geby, Mike Sheppard and Stephen Mwini. The producer was Sam Holmes and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. From BBC Radio 4, Britain's biggest paranormal podcast is going on a road trip. I thought in that moment, oh my God, we've summoned something from this board. This is Uncanny USA. He says, somebody's in the house and I screamed. Listen to Uncanny USA on Beepsy Sounds or wherever you get your podcasts, if you dare.