Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep 5. Peace & Peaks

Episode Date: October 11, 2024

Alasdair Beckett-King, Zoe Lyons, Scott Bennett, and Cindy Yu join Andy Zaltzman to quiz the newsThis week on The News Quiz the panel look for the solution to world peace, check in with the Conservative final four, and tackle Everest (not literally).Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material by: Jade Gebbie, Cody Dahler, Dee Allum, and Peter Tellouche Producer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Coordinator: Jodie Charman Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4 An Eco-Audio certified Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. Hello, I'm Sumi Somos-Gandha from the Global Story Podcast, where we're looking at America's relationship with China. Diplomacy between the world's two largest economies remains characteristically choppy. But could the result of the US presidential election unlock a calmer future? The Global Story brings you unique perspectives from BBC journalists around the world. Find us wherever you get your podcasts.

BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Right, after taking in this week's news, I have had enough. So World, you have just under half an hour to fix things or I quit for the rest of the year. And let me make very clear that this is in no way linked to England's imminent cricket tour in Pakistan, in which I will be part of BBC's Test Match Special Team providing exclusive coverage of every ball of every match from Monday morning. That is entirely coincidental. Right, so let's put a clock on it. Starting now. In the meantime, welcome to the first test.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, wrong show. Welcome to the news quiz. Quiz. Yes, I do mean it. Seriously, half an hour to sort the world out. Our teams this week, somewhat nostalgically, are named after words that are being officially removed from the English dictionary at the end of the year because they're no longer needed. We have Team Optimism against Team Nuance. I will miss them both. On Team Optimism, we have Scott Bennett and, well, it was supposed to be Boris Johnson, but I accidentally sent him all the questions in advance. LAUGHTER So, stepping in at the last minute,

it's the nearest like-for-like replacement we could get, Zoe Lyons! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on Team Nuance, we have Alistair Beckett-King, and from the spectator, Cindy Yu. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, let's start where we have to start. It has been another tough week for our out of form planet and perhaps past our best species and specifically for the controversial, celebri region, the Middle East.

So without delving into the ongoing power games, brutalities and political failures that continue to unload tragedy upon tragedy upon the peoples of the area. I want our panelists to offer a suggestion for how to achieve world peace or a beacon of hope and or light from this week. We will put their suggestions into this special peace generator. Whoop! Which mulches them down into a special serum which we will then distribute to the leaders of the relevant organisation.

So Zoe, what's your offering? I think it's time that we hand over power to people in the world that are worse affected by what is going on at the moment. And that is why I think only women and children should be allowed to run the world currently. That is it. I mean it sounds so obvious when you put it in those simple terms. Yeah, yeah. A narrow bracket of children.

Children between the ages of four and eight. They make the most sense and they're the most fun. And then we'd have like a sort of, like a UN team of head honcho women that would run the world. I've got a couple of suggestions to go in there. Beyonce, James Dutie-Dench, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kamala Harris

and a battalion of nanas. Okay, we'll put those in. Scott? A lot of comedians now are not doing comedy any more. They're sort of judging cakes. LAUGHTER And sewing. So, this is the last one for me as well, because I'm not bothering dealing with world events.

I'm just going to focus on Apple turnovers. LAUGHTER And mini skirts mini skirts so hemlines not battle lines that's my Cindy what have you got to offer I think we need more podcasts I think I've cracked it right well that's that is a hugely beneficial suggestion Alastair I try to stay positive. In the spirit of de-escalation through escalation, I've started jogging through sitting down. I call it couch to not OK. That's really helped.

Yeah, I mean, it's a tough week to digest news. Is there anything you do personally to just try and lighten your own mood during weeks like this when the news is just unremittingly shit. Drinking, Bake Off, Korean takeaway. Right. I had a little session on the kids' trampoline the other day. Oh, right, OK.

I don't think you can be annoyed at the world when you're bouncing. LAUGHTER But it's a good point, you make. Brian E. Page, who won Olympic gold in trampolining this year, has never started a war. LAUGHTER And Tiny Paige, who won Olympic gold in trampolining this year, has never started a war. LAUGHTER Trampolining for a woman of my age is very different, though.

It has its own challenges, and all I'd say is, you'll have a trampoline, but you'll also have your own pool. LAUGHTER Well, thank you for your suggestion. We'll pop them all in the peace generator and whiz them up. WHIZZING And there we go. We'll pop them all in the peace generator and whiz them up. And there we go. We will post that off to the Middle East. Right.

So I mean, it's unquestionably not been a happy week for this planet. Iran launched, allegedly, 180 ballistic missiles at Israel. Let's stay hopeful. Maybe on the optimistic side, it might have been just another Ian Hislop situation and 180 ballistic missiles. It was 180 mechanical faults in the windows of taxis.

Let's just cling to that. And let's stay positive. Let's remember Isaac Newton's third law of news, that for every bit of news, there is an equal and opposite bit of counter news. So yes, there might be conflict and bloodshed scarring the planet. but let's not forget the other things that are happening in the world.

I'll just get out the newspaper, find the counter news. So here we are. Sweden remains at peace with Paraguay. Why would I never hear about that? Whilst fears of a conflict between Portugal and New Zealand remain non-existent. And yes, I can confirm that the Mongolian Navy has not been spotted

doing exercises off the Copacabana beach in Rio de Janeiro. So if we top those up alongside Ukraine and the Middle East the current score is Peace 4 War 2. Go on Peace! Right so well let's move on and we'll call the scores. I'm going to give you ten points each for attempting to bring some light into the universe. Well, it's been a little while since we turned to the Conservative Party Conference for some light relief. But a pleasant change. Rishi Sunak made his final speech as party leader. Now we're used to Conservatives calling for things to be stopped. The boats, the mining industry and the communities that depended on it themselves from being a functioning political entity but in his final conference speech as the

work experience party leader Rishi Sunak pulled upon his fellow Tories to stop the what? Squabbling wasn't it? Squabbling correct yes two points. He was incredible because he said oh we need to stop the you know British people don't like in-fighting. I disagree. I love it. I love it. That's why EastEnders is still on. Because we love confrontation. That's my mindfulness. You probably have the cricket on in the background.

I like to have two cockneys screaming in a laundrette. It really calms me down. Love it. Liz Trost showed up, didn't she, as well? That's lovely. She's still, yeah, selling her merch. LAUGHTER And speaking of weird merch, actually, the best merch was Tom Tukenhat.

And I know we're going to get on to him, but I just wanted to go through my list of Tom Tukenhat merch that he had. So he had Tom Tukenhat, a cap. Mm, that's good. Yeah, Tom Tugendhat, a temporary tattoo. Oh, God. Only temporary, that's not showing a lot of faith. I hope it's temporary. Right.

LAUGHTER Excellent gag for radio. LAUGHTER We'll just put this to go underneath. Cindy looks at her arm. LAUGHTER Cleverly had some merch. She had JC for leader, didn't he? Like a band. And that's smart, that, because if he's got any overs, he can go

down the church and flog them. Clever bloke, really, innit? Did he just get them off Jeremy Corbyn? I don't know. I think there's a lock-up in Wolverhampton full of this stuff. Were you impressed with Rishi Sunak's valedictory missive? I think he got what he wanted because from what I saw the vibe was weirdly upbeat and it was kind of a bit of a loving. Like the backstage footage I saw, Peter Andre was there. Peter Andre! It had year 6 disco vibes, the neon lighting. the backstage footage I saw, Peter Andre was there. LAUGHTER Peter Andre!

It had Year 6 disco vibes, the neon lighting. I mean, obviously I'm older than you, but yes, it was like when I was the same age you were when that song was at a disco, yes! I mean, they have lost a lot of MPs, so it is possible he was just, like, shadow minister for something, isn't it? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Well, let's have a closer look, then, at the candidates who've made it to the last four

of the Squabble Off. I think they're representing, is it Earth, Air, Fire and Water or Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Lala and Poa Carmen? So to find out more about them, we've got a battery-operated robot newsreader here. We have to be careful with news readers at the BBC now, so Newfangled technology to control things so we've got this but they're very power intensive as news readers often are So it keeps running out of batteries So it will give us a headline on each candidate our panelists have to finish the headline when the robot runs out of power Firstly Scott you can take this first one. Let's hear some news about James Cleverley. James Cleverley, the former Home and Foreign Secretary, said that the Conservatives must

be more... So how was that supposed to end? Haunting! I had a vision then to my final moment. So funny! I had a vision then to my final moment. I was so fine. Is it they need to be more passionate about Margaret Thatcher? Cos none of them mention her. LAUGHTER But, yeah, he wants them to be more normal, is what he said. And the really weird thing was he also said that they shouldn't be so blokey,

but then he was filmed doing an impromptu set of press-ups... LAUGHTER..in a a suit which is I'm always suspicious of a man who does shows of strength in public like that I mean I don't know what he did afterwards because I think he probably nipped behind one of the vinyl banners lifted his shirt tensed his abs and got people to punch him in the chest. Can't feel it, mate, can't feel it! But asking people to be seen as more normal... The only people who say we should look more normal

are people who are really not normal, isn't it? The only time I've ever said we should look more normal is when you're a teenager and you come home a bit drunk, you're like, for God's sake, you're normal! But you look at the final four, and I think more normal means less like that. But it's not worked. Alistair, in terms of appealing to the Tory faithful, is calling for people to be more

normal by James Cleverley, is that pretty much the end of his campaign? Yeah, it's a terrible idea, obviously, because the people making the decision are Conservative party members who are, scientifically speaking, the weirdest people in the universe. So it's like the X-Factor if the judges were all complete psychopaths. It's exactly like the X-Factor in that respect. Right let's move on to Kimmy Badenock now. Kimmy Badenock, the former business secretary, said that the system was broken and told the Tories it's time to... LAUGHTER I think the listener might not believe that there's an actual little guy with batteries. There is.

You just got that because you want to put it through his expense. LAUGHTER Well, I do, I mean, we've got a round all about a car later. It's time to what? Take money from pregnant women. She said I think maternity pay was excessive. That was a bit of a, I think some people regarded it as a gaffe. Some people have come to her defence.

Julia Lopez, shadow culture minister She called a confected maternity pylon which sounds unsanitary She said I think I'm quoting her there is no one in our party right now Who knows more about the challenge of jockeying motherhood with professional life and speaking as someone who has raised jockeys myself I really sympathize with bed knock as a jockey mom, you know? I'm rarely out of the paddock, it's not easy. You buy them little jockey outfits, and then six months later, they still fit.

LAUGHTER I don't know what sort of future she's envisaging. It seems like she wants it to be like a Lowry painting, where, you know, children are fired straight out onto a loom. You don't even have time to breastfeed them, just straight into the workhouse. Right, let's put another battery in and move on to Robert Jenrick. Robert Jenrick, the former, no idea, called once again for Britain to take leave of... Any suggestions? Britain to take leave of what? The EU? Oh, no, wait.

It's the ECHR, isn't it? The European Court of Human Rights. And I'll be honest with you, I'll tell you a little story. I was walking my daughter to school the other day, she's only eight, and she's normally very happy, I go lucky in the morning, and she was walking along, and I felt some residual anger. And she kicked a stone, which almost hit her parked car, and I sort of got down with her at eye height,

and I said, you know, what's going on? Have we got some issues? What's happening at school? And she said, it's not the school, dad, it's the ECHR. It's all I'm thinking about at the moment. Their overreach is putting this country at risk. And I was like, okay, that's fine. Have you got your banana?

And then we moved on. But it just feels like, yeah, it's an odd hill to die on. I'll give him that because like, this is a, I mean, we all ate admin, but it feels very excessive. It's like, this is an organization that protects us from slavery, you know, and torture. It's like leading a campaign against the RSPB because you've seen their budget on suet balls. I just find, was anyone thinking that?

The ECHR needs sorting. But he'll probably get in, he'll probably get in because he's very much pandering towards the reformers and the end of things. He's like, yeah. He'd probably take on Nigel Farage in a drinking competition and pass out after half a shandy. From a purely performance perspective, he actually has done quite well. If you think back a year ago, two years ago, he was known as Robert Generic by pretty much everyone in Westminster.

And that was the main thing he was known for. He wrote this article backing Boris Johnson for leadership. And it was him, Rishi Sunak and Oliver Dowden and the other two of the three musketeers become prime minister and deputy prime minister. He becomes a junior home office minister. But that was where his rise started. And he kind of just took the skin

and the policies of Suella Braverman and her supporters and is now the proxy Suella Braverman. He is now the right-wing candidate within like a year's time. It has sucked everything out of her. He's now being dubbed the front runner. I think actually on a performance level that's pretty impressive. He released a campaign video and his pitch seems to be I will be an evil prime minister from an episode of Doctor Who. It had sinister music running under him talking about his thing and it's all about the the European Convention of Human Rights and he's phrasing it as leave or remain and it's quite being in the wizard's castle of illusion behind this Brexit is yet another Brexit yet another even smaller Brexit more Brexity than the last right let's move on finally to our final candidate Tom Tugendhat put

another battery in and here we go Tom Tugendhat, the former hat, said the future would only be bright if he can... The future will only be bright if he can end... Is it if he can end his speech with a wardrobe malfunction? I don't think there's any conference that wouldn't be improved with a bit of nip slip. With these... With these Tuggenhaut slipping out. With Tuggenhaut slipping... Tuggenhelmet.

Oh! I'm sorry, this is Radio 4 and it's in the gutter. This is what happens when you have Northerners on. This is... This is levelling up live. This isn't... LAUGHTER I've warned them. I have warned them. You've warned them. I have warned them.

We had a recent interaction with Tom Duke and her at The Spectator for our leadership hustings, where at the end, my colleague Katie Balls asked them, what was the naughtiest thing you've ever done? Great question. Kevin Baden just refused to answer, he was like, I'm just not going to dignify that question, which I actually think is quite a good answer. It does also suggest she's done some burying.

Exactly. It's suggestive. So you're cool, but not getting you in trouble. Tom Tukenhart said, the naughtiest thing I've ever done is invade a country. Wow. We couldn't quite believe our ears in the studio. Is that about the 2003 invasion of Iraq? Which he's very proud of. Did you know he was a soldier?

I knew he was a soldier. I didn't realise how cheeky he was. What a rascal. Well, I think that in the great British tradition of military understatements, I think Neville Chamberlain described Hitler as a bit of a rotter. He said his mission is to become the next Prime Minister and he has never failed a mission. And we remember the Iraq war did go off really smoothly. Right, yes. The Tory conference has been mulling over who best to take the reins of the Conservative

Party. The four remaining political tadpoles who swum to the top of the Conservative talent puddle made their pitches for party support, but only one frog can emerge and we will have exclusive coverage of the rest of the Tory leadership campaign over the next three weeks. Hello, I'm Sumi Somaskandar from the Global Story Podcast, where we're looking at America's relationship with China. Diplomacy between the world's two largest economies remains characteristically choppy. But could the result of the U.S. presidential election unlock a calmer future?

The Global Story brings you unique perspectives from BBC journalists around the world. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. Moving across the political divide, well a bit of a tough week for Labour again. Starmer's government has been accused of moving too slowly on some things but it has set a new speed record this week for what? Supermarket Ash. Not that but that's Mike. The fastest backs payment of six grand in history.

LAUGHTER That's certainly up there, yeah. Not the correct answer. Fastest MP to leave after an election, yeah. So, less than three months since winning the election, Rosie Duffield has jumped the Labour ship. Is there something to worry about, Cindy, for... I think if you had to pick anyone from Labour's 400 or so MPs it

probably would have been Rosie Duffield or someone more on the left of the party she's been very unhappy for a long time over Stammer's gender stance although interestingly her resignation letter she mentioned none of this and just said it was all about sleaze and the the two child benefit cap and a winter fuel allowance but you kind of wonder you you know, if that didn't, the trans stuff didn't kind of poison the water a bit. I think everybody's got this wrong, you see, I think that people have been too quick to jump on this bandwagon having to go at Starmer because I think what he was trying to do was, yes he took the pension fuel allowance away but what

he was going to do was borrow enough clothes was borrow enough clothes so that they would stay warm throughout the whole winter. That's why he went to see Taylor Swift, because it was for research, because he's going to tell the old people to just shake it off. Keeps them warm, keeps the circulation going. I mean, I must interject at this point and just let you all know that I was actually bought this appearance today on a Virgin Experience deal.

All right. It was either do the news quiz or an afternoon tea in great yarmulke. But you've made a great choice. I've made a great choice, haven't I? But the other thing is, I mean, there is this sleaze in it and it's 3,000 pound on glasses was one of the things where,

and people have said the optics are bad. They don't sound, they sound like they're Gucci. I'll be honest with you. And the other one that's got him into trouble is the 20,000 pound on renting Lord Ali's house so his son could study for his GCSEs. And now we all do our best for our kids, but I just want to wish him, you know, good luck for the resit

He's still there I think so he's returned 6,000 pounds worth of gifts including the box of unrefrigerated shrimp that I sent I Felt a bit weird about it because I don't normally agree with Rosie Duffield. So it was very weird to read the letter and go like, oh yeah, actually these are my opinions. I think she makes, like I suppose a stopped clock with Keir Starmer as a Tory written on it is right three times a day. I think it's weird that she didn't notice any of this before the election when I noticed it. Like it's very weird to get in and then notice it because Stammer is the first politician

in history to go into an election saying exactly what he's gonna do. He said I'm gonna be the Tories Tory in Tory town. I will be so Tory you won't believe. He didn't, not in that voice obviously. I've never actually heard him speak. I don't know what he sounds like. He just looks like he sounds like that. But then when he was criticized for taking the you know the gifts he said they didn't give me the gifts to influence policy they did it because they really like my personality which I think in a crowded field is maybe the least believable thing a politician has ever said. And to take so many gifts of clothes and still look like a

Matalan dad is quite a thing isn't it? It really is. If you're getting clothes given to you, you know, shake up the wardrobe a little bit, be bold. I wanted him to walk away from that press conference he gave the other day after the invasion and sort of shuffle his papers, turn around and then just a backless number, you know. Show a little shoulder stoma, get it out. Let's see a little strappy number. Or an embroidered eagle on the back. What I don't understand is I never understand resigning from power when you find something

objectable in the party, because I've been in my street's WhatsApp group now for about two years, and it's an absolute bin fire of paranoia, video doorbell footage footage and toxic opinions, but I'm going to change it from within. LAUGHTER One house at a time, and I will accept free eggs and the occasional cucumber.

So... Roy, at the end of our politics round, the scores are 16 to Team Optimism, Zoe and Scott, and 12 to Cindy and Alistair on team Nuance. Moving on now and we'll give our panelists a choice of questions in this round. Would you like a question about a mountain or the creeping fear of decrepitude and death? Alistair? Death, please. Sorry, that's already been used. You're getting a mountain question. Okay here is your mountain question. What is getting bigger

and bigger and there's nothing you can do about it? Is it a mountain? Yes it is. Can you tell me which mountain specifically? It's not just our mountain, it's the mountain, it's mountain Everest, I think that's what it's called. And it's getting bigger, I think it's getting lighter, it's getting taller, it's losing weight. I think it's possible that Mount Everest is recently divorced. And it's just getting back out there and you know, you go... Go? I just didn't realise how bad the culture of validation was now, whereas a major mountain's having implants. LAUGHTER

Well, I thought it was getting higher because of the mountains of rubbish that was left behind by billionaire boy scouts trying to tick off things off their golden bucket list. LAUGHTER Do you know, they pass dead bodies on the way up, don't they? And that doesn't put them off. I find that incredible. There must be walking going, if only there was some sort of omen.

This was a bad idea. See, I did the Great North Run recently, and I think I'd have found it impossible if in the last mile I'd have ran past corpses... LAUGHTER ..stacked up on the time bridge, you know. Right, Scott and Zoe, you can have an art question. Which renowned artist saw his work souped up again this week?

It's Van Gogh. Yes. He's been souped twice by Just Stop Oil. And have I got this really wrong? Is it just because they're more into watercolours? As far as I know, he lived in Penury. Couldn't hear half the things that were going around him. I don't think he was sort of whizzing around the south of France and Holland in a flaming flambag...flambagini! LAUGHTER Ooh, I'll have a flambagini, please. It's the sort of car an artist would drive. Yeah, definitely.

Penury, incidentally, is in south London between Penge and Norbury. LAUGHTER To be fair to them, you know, I don't know that throwing soup at a Van Gogh is gonna win anyone around to your cause, but I do think doing it again is quite funny because it's just, it's just kind of cheeky, like I think that is quite a funny, I don't support it, but at the same time... It's just like invading a country. It's just cheeky like invading a country. They've said that the impact's gonna to be that they're going to have a security guard now,

stood next to famous paintings, and I just, I'd love that. I don't know if there's a WhatsApp group of security guards down in London, but that would be amazing. What did you do today? I guarded the embassy. What about you? I was down in street. How about you? I was on Soup Watch, mate. That's where I was on. And why soup? I don't understand why they keep throwing soup. If they want to put a message across more eloquently, surely it should be alphabetti spaghetti they're throwing there. I mean, the ironic thing is if they'd have chucked it on a mattress,

they'd have won the Turner Prize. LAUGHTER Right, well, that brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz. And our winners are Team Optimism, Zoe and Scott and our losers team, you and Cindy and Alistair. Right that alarm means time on the ultimatum is up. Let me check the BBC News website to see if the world has fixed everything. I would say that's a resounding no. So as I threatened at the top of the show that is me done for the series. I'll just confirm that flight to Pakistan. That cricket is not going to commentate on itself. So you're going to need stand-in hosts for the

last three episodes before I return in the new year and we're going to do this democratically by learning from the FA Cup and drawing the hosts at random. I will put 68 million balls into this large bowl. Each ball represents one person in the country. I'll mix them up and pick out three at random. Our first stand-in host is number 14 million three hundred and seven and let me just012, that is Lucy Porter. And finally, number one, Ian Smith. So, isn't that lucky? I leave you in both the safest and funniest of hands. Geoff, Lucy and Ian will take you through to the end of the series.

If the world is sorted by then, I guess we'll know who's been the problem all along. Thank you for listening. To enjoy the rest of the series, I've been Andy Zoltzman. Goodbye! This was Sam Holmes and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. Steve, what links the ring-tolled limo, the club sandwich, the Large Hadron Collider and Watford Gap Services? Ah, er, nothing. But we have to find a route between them for our new show, Rootmasters. Yes, in which we, that is... Steve Puntz. ...and Hugh Dennis and the guest set off on a 10-week journey from beer to eternity.

Really? Hereby people, places, subjects and things which seem apparently unconnected. And possibly are Puntz and Dennis, Rootmasters, the comedy show that takes the scenic route. From Radio 4, available now on BBC Sound. Hello, I'm Sumi Somos-Ganda from the Global Story Podcast, where we're looking at America's relationship with China. Diplomacy between the world's two largest economies remains characteristically choppy, but could the result of the US presidential election unlock a calmer future? The Global Story brings you unique perspectives from BBC journalists around the world.

Find us wherever you get your podcasts.