Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz: Ep3. Work & Play

Episode Date: September 27, 2024

Simon Evans, Ian Smith, Aditi Mittal and Anushka Asthana join Andy Zaltzman to quiz the news.This week on The News Quiz the panel go through the PM's wardrobe, take a splash into the Lib Dems' conference, and take on the year's greatest mystery... where are all the butterflies?Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material by: Cameron Loxdale, Sarah Campbell, Owen Pullar and Peter Tellouche Producer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Production Coordinator: Jodie Charman Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4 An Eco-Audio certified Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. I'm Gabriel Gatehouse and from BBC Radio 4, this is Series 2 of The Coming Storm. There's a divide in American politics between those who think democracy is in peril and those who think it's already been subverted, hollowed out from the inside. As America prepares to elect its next president, we go through the looking glass into a world

where nothing is as it seems, and the institutions of the state are a facade. Listen, wherever you get your BBC podcasts. podcasts. We present the news quiz with me, Andes Altman. Hello, I'm Andes Altman. Welcome to a special world soothing edition of the news quiz, during which I will continually rub an aromatherapy massage oil into this voodoo globe. So if things start smelling of eucalyptus and lemon verbena whilst you're listening at home, it's obviously working. Our teams this week paying tribute to Ed Davies'

walk on music and Keir Starmer's wealthy supporters, we have team Take A Chance On Me versus team Take A Free Outfit and Tickets To A Taylor Swift gig on me. On team Chance, we have Simon Evans and Deputy Political Editor of ITV News Anushka Asthana. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And team Free Outfit, Ian Smith, and Visiting Us From India, Aditi Mittal. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And given that some of the news from the rest of the world isn't entirely laugh-out-loud funny this week, let's start close to home. Anushka and Simon can have the first question. Who has been finding out this week the cost of free clothes? Cost of free clothes in damaged reputations. I have been warming my hands over the embers of Labour's reputation for fair dealing, transparency, compassion, decency, moral rectitude, etc. etc. with revelation after revelation of Keir Starmer's venal snoutery, which has been really quite delicious. Of course, Lord Ali, about whom I knew very little, has been paying for Lady Starama's wardrobe. I have no idea what Ali's long game

is, whether it is an entirely well-intentioned generosity which he's been bestowing upon our dear leader or whether he is hoping to sort of gradually lure him into ever more humiliating spectacles, whether a couple of weeks time Lady Stama will be appearing at the Senate after dressed as Mr Blobby or Tinky Winky or something. There's more outfits arrived by post and it becomes too awkward to say anything but yes it's been absolutely delicious. I mean it is not a good look. I've been going through the numbers today he has had £107,000 worth of freebies. More than any other MP since 2019, quite a lot more than Rishi Sunak. To be fair, Rishi Sunak doesn't pay VAT on his clothes. And around £40,000 was from Lord Ali, who I've been looking a lot into the Labour Party recently

and he was very involved in the election campaign. I noticed that Keir Starmer's top team used his office in apparently a very nice townhouse in Soho. I mean the bit that got me was the three and a half thousand on glasses. And this week we had all the regional political correspondents grilling Keir Starmer and one person just said to him it was like you're literally taking hundreds of pounds off pensioners while spending two thousand pounds on glasses and Kirstama completely ignored it and basically said I'm gonna bring change change from two thousand pounds I mean are they what do you think they were x-ray specs is that they're like super high-tech I mean there are smart glasses

now aren't there although they've come and gone a little bit. A few years ago Google Glass developed these ones that I really wanted a pair because apparently they could lock onto a face in the crowd and you could sort of murmur an instruction and it would tell you who it was if you were supposed to know them, which at the age of 59 would be such a blessing. Mother, hello mother. Yes, I... Aditi, you're. Yes, hi. Hi.

Aditi, you're over here from India. How does our free clothes and football ticket scandal compare to what your Indian politicians get up to? It's adorable. This is honestly the cutest scandal out there. Where he like took some clothes paid for by somebody else. Good, at least I'm not paying for it. I mean, the worst thing you can accuse him of is gatekeeping where he got his outfits from.

But now you know it's all ASOS, which is as seen on Star Wars. Ian, I don't know who pays for your clothes. Yeah, it's very hard to slam someone about their appearance on the radio. LAUGHTER You can just go back to everyone we made up, say, why don't you have any clothes on, Simon? LAUGHTER

Andy, why have you drawn that offensive mustache on your top lip? Why are the audience all looking like this? I've reacted very badly there. I've reacted like a man who clearly doesn't look good because I've gone very defensive very quickly. I could do with David Lammy defending me. David Lammy's come to Keir Starmer's defence.

He said the matter was not a transparency issue, which is very good when we're talking about clothes. That would be... But, yeah, he said this happens a lot and that Keir Starmer and his wife want to look their best to represent the UK. And I don't mean this as any disrespect to any of us, but I think if you really want to represent the UK,

looking your best is not... ..the way to do it. I mean, in terms of what you personally would like to give to the Prime Minister or any other political figure without plugging any forthcoming tours you may or may not have on sale, details of which may be available online, what would you donate to a political figure to further their cultural awakenings? The darts? Right. This isn't even a joke I've never been to the darts and I've never wanted to go to something more in my life.

Right. It's good to have achievable goals. Yeah. The atmosphere is incredible, and you can't see the thing that's happening. The dartboard is so far away. But really, you're just drinking beer until a man who doesn't really seem to have any public speaking skills

shouts 180 in a tone of voice that doesn't even sound like the number he's saying and then you all dance. I think that's what Britain should be all about. I mean I think you know great premieres do usually have some kind of artifact by which they're known don't they and it can be a little bit dishonest, it can be theatrical. Harold Wilson famously affected the Gannet's overcoat and the pipe he actually liked to smoke a cigar in private but he was afraid that would make him look like an old high Tory so he smoked a pipe Margaret Thatcher had a handbag Tony Blair had half a million war dead

everyone has something with which they're associated and I think it's about time Starmer found his icon you know and I don't know what it. And I think it's about time Starmer found his icon, you know, and I don't know what it would be. I think possibly a vaping device. I think watermelon ice when I see him. This is for Anoushka and Simon. Who this week was revealed to be worth 2.46 newly upgraded train drivers,

or approximately five weeks worth of Nigel Farage's side hustles, drivers, or approximately five weeks worth of Nigel Farage's side hustles, or crucially 1.02 prime ministers? Yes, Sue Gray, of course. Yes. She's got a salary, I think it's 170,000 per annum, which is just like symbolically slightly meaningfully more than Keir Starmer, and whether or not she had the opportunity to dip below that, make it less of a news news item seems to be a matter of controversy. It seems like an awful lot of money but of course in total fiscal terms despite the huge cuts and the austerity which the Labour Party have unexpectedly imposed on the country

170,000 pounds a year is a drop in the ocean. A drop of sour horse urine in an ocean of pensioners tears but still nevertheless a drop in the ocean. I just think for a woman who has managed to negotiate herself quite such an eye-wateringly high sum, she has to be regarded now as some sort of wizard and consequently I think she should be known as Sue the Grey. Be more according with her status. I think the problem for Sue Grey is less the salary. But the thing that's actually going on behind the scenes is that a lot of people are briefing about all of this.

And that's because she's earning a fair amount above what her Tory predecessors earned, whilst all the special advisors in the departments are earning quite a bit lower than what all their predecessors earned. I think what's a big deal is there is massive upset across the kind of political arm of government at the moment. Apparently like all of Labour's advisors are quite upset but why didn't they just advise Labour to pay a less? That's what I do. I mean it would be helpful perhaps if we all knew what she does. It's hard to know isn't it what chief of staff. It sounds like a glorified secretary really and there's an app for that now isn't there. You know

Alexa what time's my 4.30. I think it's okay there's just got to be transparency. Again we've seen these figures in print but it doesn't really sink home. I think she should be forced to wheel her salary home every evening in a visible wheelbarrow in pound coins and through the streets of Westminster. Always full of constructive suggestions. Andy, my visa status doesn't permit me to comment on anyone else's salary. So, Labour's conference begins on Sunday. Yeah, it's about three months in and I don't have a honeymoon period.

In fact, this week I was my 20th wedding anniversary this week. By which I mean it's 20 years since I got married. It's not the first anniversary of my 20th wedding. But I mean, and you know honeymoon I mean obviously every day is a honeymoon darling if you're listening. Seems to be quite a short not particularly romantic honeymoon period. I mean it's amazing how quickly it's got this difficult and some of it they'll be really kicking themselves out and yeah now two scandals which I think are actually coming up on the doorstep I

think in Downing Street they're worried about them coming up on the doorstep especially the freebies because it's this idea that politicians are on the take and then we've got a conference speech ahead of a really bad budget so I think very difficult start. What senior labor people want is a bit of optimism So hopefully he can give them that through his next pair of glasses Moving on to the opposition Benches at his party's conference in Brighton this week liberal Democrat leader Ed Davey promised that he would cut through the government's what? Lemon drizzle care Think I was implied rather than explicit.

I don't know, windpipe? Change of style for Ed Davey, I guess. It's not lemon drizzle cake or indeed human windpipe. It's the doom and gloom. The doom and gloom, yes, correct. I mean, Ed Davey was trying to convey this sense of optimism through the medium of water-based pranks. Is it continuing to work? I thought he just, I assumed he'd stop that after the election. Did you watch him driving up in a jet ski? Yeah. The only thing I could think while I was watching it was that he was incredibly skilled at driving a jet ski.

Like, does he do that a lot? Well, I mean, that would be one hell of a story, wouldn't it, if it turns out he's a professional jet ski. Why would Ed Davey drive a jet ski a lot if he hadn't been like an assassin for the secret services? I think Ed Davey's probably got gills. And he's been trying to style it out for a while. That if he isn't on water enough, he would die. Like when he's doing the speech at the conference, it would be like when there's a beached whale and someone's just got a hosepipe on them. Just keeping him alive. He did say with the conference, let's finish the job,

which is a weird thing to say when you've just come third. What's the job? Is the job coming second? I've been to India a couple of times with Prime Ministers. The Indian journalists couldn't believe that we asked the Prime Minister such rude questions and took the mick out of them quite so much and we were told Modi never gives interviews and he won't take any questions at press conferences. Are you allowed to take the mick out of him? Is there an equivalent to this in India? The mickey, what a lovely term. You can't even take the mini out of him. This is... You know, I would never say anything terrible about the greatest man that I have ever known.

And just his greatness bestowed upon me. Truly, what a time to be alive. Do the impression you were doing of him earlier in the game. LAUGHTER Well, you know, Andy has pants on now, we can't do that. LAUGHTER Family show. LAUGHTER

What happens in the news quiz green room stares in the news? Well the scores at the end of that round were six points to Simon and Anushka and three to Ian and Aditi. Wow! As our leaders, Simon and Anushka, you qualified for our special bonus question of the week. A national emergency has been declared because of what falling to its lowest ever level yes I funny enough did see this today on a social media website and it's genuinely quite alarming the lowest number of butterflies ever in the country who are of course not merely an ornament but very much a

useful addition to every garden although they have been controversially connected with a series of tropical storms yes yes apparently if they flap their wings at the wrong moment that you can unleash hell on Trinidad and Tobago so I guess it's no I would like to see them brought back and as I explained to my wife that is why I'm not mowing the lawn. Right. And all of this, I didn't realise it. They have the big butterfly count. Yes. Where those involved have 15 minutes and they have to record how many butterflies they've

seen. It feels like the least scientific method of just someone going outside and then just going, ah, ah, ah, one! LAUGHTER So I don't trust that people are doing this properly. You're a butterfly denialist, is what you're saying. I'm a sceptic. I tried it, I thought I saw butterflies,

but I was told they were just moths. And I couldn't believe they weren't butterflies. I can't believe they were just moths. And I couldn't believe they weren't butterflies. I can't believe it. LAUGHTER There's a joke in there somewhere. But it's very difficult to get the set-up line to match the sheer ambition of that punchline. LAUGHTER

I'm Gabriel Gatehouse, and from BBC Radio 4, this is series two of The Coming Storm. There's a divide in American politics between those who think democracy is in peril and those who think it's already been subverted, hollowed out from the inside. As America prepares to elect its next president, we go through the looking glass into a world where nothing is as it seems and the institutions of the state are a facade. Listen, wherever you get your BBC podcasts. Right, that makes the score 8 to Simon and Anoushka, 3 to Ian and Aditi.

And let's move on now to a work section. In the words of Rihanna in the song Work, Work, Work, Work, Work, Work. Those are of course the six W's of a functioning economy in the eyes of some. We're increasingly re-examining our relationship with the workplace and as the famous old saying goes all work and no play makes Jack an inefficiently functioning economic unit. So under the plan that workers rights legislation, workers in the UK will have the right to do what out of office hours? Anyone? Call their bosses a naughty word in front of their kids and not apologize. Is it switch off? Yes disconnect. Disconnect. Disconnect what? They're ailing grandparent.

So as you time it right it's fine. Read all those scare stories about inheritance in the telegraph. I am I'm very bad at this. I like to stay up late at night and in that time get my emails and fire them out to people and then when I was reading this I was realizing that that is apparently abusive so I discovered the other day schedule send right now they just get 20 emails from me at 8 a.m. on Monday morning apparently that is better that's better it doesn't make you look slightly psychotic though doesn't it? The only alternative is to write at the top of the 3am email, don't reply to this right now. You can wait till morning. After being woken up by that. I do think it's interesting, we've had these conversations before on panels

and obviously you have a proper job, in fact it sounds like maybe you even have underlings or whatever they're called. Children, I think. We stand up comedians, we're just bluffing here, aren't we? We're so far out of our comfort zone. It's been 30 years since I had a job. The idea of switching on is kind of... As self-employed, Aditi, I mean, there's a danger of having too much flexibility.

Do you struggle with that at all? No. No? No, I love it. I think it's the best I Mean you rarely have to put on pants. I Honestly find it confusing when people are like, oh no, but you've got to go somewhere to physically work Because I realized that like audience is not coming to my house It's been very depressing but I am pro work from home. I mean, frankly, just home.

I was very insistent early in my career, really before I did comedy, that I had to work from home. And it really destroyed my career as a road cyclist in the Torda living room. Let's do another work-related question. How have paternity rights campaigners been making their points this week? Oh yeah, well they've been strapping babies to statues and models of babies.

Yes, yes, that's a very, very important part of the story. Crucial, it's not going to help your paternity rights if you're getting your child strapping it to a statue. But I like, one of the statues they strapped one of these babies in was a statue of Thierry Henry at the Arsenal ground as he's doing a sliding on his knees celebration. And I think that would get your kid taken off you. Of course paternity leave is a relatively new and still quite foreign concept in this country. Traditionally, paternity leave was just the technical term for when a father after shaking hands with his newborn infant would

disappear into an attic office or foreign country for 25 years before re-emerging saying, so what was it in the end, soldier, vicar or wife? Another sort of story relating to the work situation in Britain. I think Tank has written that the key to boosting Britain's economic prosperity is for everyone to stop being so what? Poor. It's a very good guess but it's not the answer I've got written down here Ian. Is it to do with health? Yes, ill. Just ill health generally. Yeah so they've suggested the goal should be a new health system, which within three decades would extend average life expectancy in the UK by around 10 more Wimbledons, five extra Olympics this summer and winter combined,

around two or three Ashes summers, or as others might put it, 10 years. There's always different ways. But what's the point of this, Andy? There are no butterflies left. That's a very good point. The butterfly on John McEnroe's racket. That was one of the iconic moments, wasn't it? Remember? Right.

I've moved into that period of my life where I interrupt panel games to just reminisce about... from the 1980s before everything turned to shit. Other hosts of other shows might get a bit annoyed by you reminiscing about 1980s sport, but you're on the right show, Simon. Another work-related story. Who is basically being told to grow up, but stay home? Anyone? I think it's perhaps junior doctors.

Yes. Junior doctors who are now to be called residents which is a kind of weird it's a bit like calling them borders or something isn't it you know they sleep under the bed or something but yeah this is the plan this is so they never go home essentially yeah which is almost true I think isn't it oh I'm sure they work extraordinarily hard I have a suggestion why don't we call them doctors and then when they become more senior you could add extra qualifiers to indicate that they're even more important than when they were just

doctors rather than kind of having the doctor bit in the middle ranking as if you have to work up to it after 15 years. It was it was a really misleading phrase when you were trying to cover the doctor strikes because I think people would think oh the junior doctors are on strike that's fine and then I'd go into a hospital and they'd be like that's 80% of our doctors so I think that's why they wanted to change it although I did find the kind of resident thing a bit weird my parents are both retired doctors and they always go on about how they used to literally have to work three days in a row and literally sleep there but although they do work very hard I

don't think doctors literally sleep in hospitals. And in fact, there are probably not enough beds anyway. I, like ages ago, had to have like a testicular checkup at the doctors and I was going to have a scan because they put like gel down there. And the doctor said, don't worry, this is just going to feel like rubbing jelly over your testicles where am I getting that reference point from? I go oh just like rubbing jelly and you say oh thank God for that

if you had have told me I'd have come pre-prepared for you usually I've got jelly and then a sort of custard layer. And then cream and a little cherry on top. This does sound an awful lot like the work of a junior doctor. Yeah, junior doctors are to be rebranded as resident doctors. This is off the considerable haggling in which various alternative titles were suggested, such as qualified doctors, VBFHs, which is vets but for humans and Stethys popes. Well the score's at the end of that round 10 to

Simon and Anushka, 6 to Ian and Aditi. Move across the Atlantic for our final round now. According to the rules of golf section X1 rule 54.3 paragraph A, subsection 6, clause 3, it is strictly forbidden to plan or attempt an act of political violence anywhere on a golf course before, during or after play, even if you're wearing the correct footwear and a collared shirt. Who this week tried to contravene that rule? Oh, he won his name. Yeah.

The would-be assassin on Trump's golf course on Mario Largo, who got spotted with his muzzle poking out of the hedge. Ryan, somebody, was it Ryan Roof? Is that right? Sounds like a made-up name, doesn't it? Assassins who always have three names. You knew he wasn't going to put it off. You always know their middle name afterwards,

as if they've been very naughty and their mother's calling them in for tea for the... Yeah, but Ryan Roof, his muzzle poked out of the bush and the Secret Service who have upped their game a bit it has to be said since the last time they spot it and I have to say I don't know how serious an attempt it was on Donald Trump's life we find them vaguely comical at the moment until one of them lands and becomes the next inflection point for the century and I don't think it'd be very pretty but it's not a very serious attempt is it if you're in a bush and you can't even camouflage your

own muzzle even dad's army knew how to camouflage themselves to avoid detection can I just I think the audience have done so well to not giggle at his muzzle poked out of the bush. I feel like everyone made a real conscious decision to go no we're better than that, we're better than that. I think he was caught because he shouted four before he made the shot. The phrase wouldbe when it comes before assassin makes it less scary. But any other job if you put would-be before it is quite terrifying. Like, if you went to see a would-be orthodontist...

LAUGHTER ..you'd be like, no, I don't know about that. LAUGHTER Well, let's finish with this. Inspired by would-be Vice President JD Vance admitting that he created a story about Haitian migrants eating pet cats and dogs to draw attention to illegal immigration in the USA,

I want our panelists to tell me a news story that they've made up that they want to be spread via the august medium of BBC Radio 4 in order to make people around the world take notice of something they're not currently noticing. Aditi, do you have a story for us? A stand-up comedian based out of Mumbai, India, too good looking for a radio quiz panel show. Simon? Well, of course I could go for Simon Evans tour dates all sold out. People would then rush to check to see if it was true. Oh my god. No, there's a couple still available in deal

As a Brighton and Hove resident I have long thought how am I gonna get effective action together to deal with the seagull menace who seem to be some sort of protected species I mean people are used to their chips their their ice creams, their sandwiches being snatched. It's gonna take a child. It will need, I think they need to fly it out and then see it shredded in the wind farm. Because when you have literally killed two birds

with one high speed. So your new story is Seagull. Snatches child and flies straight into wind farm, yeah. Anushka, have you got a made up new story is seagull snatches child and flies straight into wind farm. Yeah I'm not sure if you're a made-up news story I know this goes against your professional ethics, but you know in context it makes sense Labor Prime Minister who promised to end sleaze gets 20,000 pounds of free clothes They'll never buy it They will quite literally never buy it I think the baker will quite literally never buy it. Ian?

I'd like the news to raise the awareness of the low self-esteem of printers. Right. Whenever you buy a printer, the first thing it makes you do is print off a practice page to make sure it can do straight lines. They're the least confident bit of technology. And whenever you turn a printer on, it makes so much noise. Why is it not in the right place? It's got one job of printing.

Everything in the printer's going, oh, I'm not where I should, oh, get over here. Cyan, what are you doing over there? Come here. I think, yeah, the mental health of printers needs to be looked at. Right. And I'll just go with, if Brexit was a giant lemon I'd still put my plonker in it screams unrepentant Johnson. And that brings us to the end of this week's news quiz.

Our winners get the chance to propose a lasting equitable solution to the Middle East situation in the remaining seconds of the show and we're out of time. Thank you for listening to the news quiz. I've been Andy Zoltzman. Goodbye. Cameron Locksdale and Owen Puller. The producer was Sam Holmes, and it was a BBC Studio audio production for Radio 4. APPLAUSE Imagine a scrap of data that could help rescue a man lost at sea. That far north, most people aren't found. This is a race against the clock. Or expose staggering financial fraud.

All the Swiss banks, the British banks, the French banks. What I was looking at was a horror show. Or uncover a medical breakthrough. Within 10 years, the whole world was convinced that he was right. 10 extraordinary adventures of data and discovery. Uncharted with me, Hannah Fry, on Radio 4, now available on BBC Sounds. I'm Gabriel Gatehouse and from BBC Radio 4, this is Series 2 of The Coming Storm. There's a divide in American politics between those who think democracy is in peril and

those who think it's already been subverted, hollowed out from the inside. As America prepares to elect its next president, we go through the looking glass into a world where nothing is as it seems and the institutions of the state are a facade. Listen wherever you get your BBC podcasts.