Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - Friday 16th October 2020

Episode Date: October 16, 2020

A satirical review of the week's news with Andy Zaltzman. This week Andy is joined by an international panel of comedians including regular guest Andrew Maxwell alongside Anuvab Pal from India, Olga Koch from Russia and Alice Fraser from Australia. The panel tackle the global response to COVID-19, the (no) chance of a deal between Britain and the EU and some controversially "boring" Indian cuisine.Written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Simon Alcock, Suchandrika Chakrabarti and Mike Shephard.Producer: Richard Morris A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, this is the News Quiz. I'm Andy Zaltzman. Let's be honest, the UK has not had the cheeriest week in our history. So what's the best way to cheer yourself up when things aren't going well? By reminding yourself that other people are completely balling things up as well. Welcome, therefore, to the first ever

We Are Not Alone Global Edition of the News Quiz. You heard our virtual online audience there joining us live, prancing around their bedrooms in their Danger Mouse pyjamas. And on this Global news quiz special, we have two teams. Firstly, team Emerging Asia-Pacific Power Block from Australia, Alice Fraser,

and from India, Anuvab Pal. Yay! And taking them on, it's team Uneasy EU-Russia-USA Alliance, representing the European Union, our former Imperial Taking them on, it's Team Uneasy EU Russia USA Alliance. Representing the European Union, our former imperial overlords from 43 AD until last January. From Ireland, originally, it's Andrew Maxwell.

And born in Russia, studied at university in the USA, now living in an average of those two places, in other words, Britain, it's Olga Koch. This week's show also features our guest, opinion-splitting global financial organisation of the week. This week, the International Monetary Fund. Surprising number of fans in today for the IMF. There will be bonus IMF questions during the show, and because the IMF deals with big, big numbers and is often accused of being needlessly unfair,

each of those bonus IMF questions with big, big numbers and is often accused of being needlessly unfair, each of those bonus IMF questions will be worth one trillion points. So they could be crucial to the final score. We will start, however, with question one, and this goes to both teams. What is turning out to be quite a bit cheaper for the world than previously expected? I'd say my commute. It cost me nothing to go from the part of my bed where I sleep

to the part of my bed where I work. Well, that's partially correct. It's not quite what I'm looking for. But we're all benefiting from this. Any other suggestions? Alice? I'm going to answer your question with a question here, Andy. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

I'll take the good news. Well, this is the good news that the bad news about COVID's impact on the economy is not as bad as they thought it was going to be, which is good bad news. Right. OK. Can you just fill in the gaps there? So the IMF has said that COVID will not be as bad for the economy as they thought it was going to be. So they think that global output will fall by 4.4 percent rather than the 5.2% drop that was forecast. That's two 13ths less than was anticipated, which is 10 fewer 13ths than there are Friday the 13th movies. Thanks for putting it in terms that we can all understand, Alice.

The problem with economics is it's often inaccessible. Anuvab? I was just looking at the numbers that Alice is talking about, Andy. Excellent world economic report from the IMF has a country by country breakdown. And I've been looking at my two favourite countries, Britain and India. It said the UK economy would shrink by 9.8% this year,

which is an improvement from the 10.2%. To explain that in the English language, Andy, that's like saying, yes, your entire house and garden have burnt down, but it is not as bad as you think because we were able to save these three tulips. But those tulips are so symbolic, Anupam. Now, if you think that's bad, Andy, India has declined at 23.6%.

And our response has been that the Prime Minister turned out with a catchphrase saying, the nation now needs to be atmanirbhar, which means be dependent on yourself. What that means is, I'm not dealing with this nonsense, I'm off. that means is i'm not dealing with this nonsense i'm off i think our governments are the same they just haven't been so direct with it we've done it with a more sort of british uh you know sort of lack of lack of directness um olga is a spokesperson for not one but two of the former cold war superpowers i mean i think russia and amer America have dealt with this whole global issue. From what I understand with Russia, they ignored it and pretended it wasn't there for a bit. And then they invented the vaccine. So, I mean, I don't know what you're up to.

They've cured Covid, so I have no idea what kind of pandemic you're talking about. Andrew, how have you enjoyed the global COVID? It's going great, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, you've got to keep with your sunny uplands, you know? Yes. For me, one of the hideous side effects of the whole thing is i don't you know this and i don't want to bring this the conversation below the you know bring it below the equator as it were but it turns out there's such a thing now as covid porn

i know it's seriously it's it's pornography where everybody's wearing a mask. I haven't seen it myself, but I read about it in a broadsheet. Was that the one with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman in or not? Quite possibly, yeah. Surely porn, you know, it's meant to be a fantasy, isn't it? It's meant to take you away from the grimness of your own reality.

I think you're mixing it up with sport, aren't you? Indeed. They're from the same parish, aren't they? You know what I mean? I don't think you've got the right idea. It's the same reason why there's no mortgage application porn. Andrew, that's a big

claim with how the internet is today. And, Anu, you're speaking on behalf of all four and a half billion people from Asia. I know that the rates in India have been going up concerningly. How do you see it panning out from here? Well, it was best described by one of the leaders of the opposition party who said that the government has dealt with it in a way that is a mix of circus and manure.

mix of circus and manure. To be fair, so much can be said about the world that is a mix of circus and manure. But one of the things that helped us very early on, as you know well, is that we thought it's best not to test. And if you don't test, you don't know. It's how we're dealing with school children now as well. Just don't test them and guess how good they are. Alice, you're currently in the alternate dimension that is Australia. How are things going there? I mean, mostly fairly good for most of Australia with some parts of Australia that are a bit, you know,

yeah, nah-yeah, as we call it, technically, in Australia. We say yeah, nah, yeah. That's terrible. Is that better than nah, yeah, nah? Because I've never been quite sure. Nah, yeah. Right, OK.

There's this language barrier between our nations. The use of yeah and nah really is hard to get over, isn't it? Well, I mean, in Australia, our main sort of concern is the upcoming economic downturn that we're all facing. But, you know, there's a rap song that says, mo' money, mo' problems, which is true, but leaves out the important corollary

of less money, fewer, but much more significant problems. Well, correct. That is two points for Team Asia Pacific. This is the story that the IMF has estimated that Covid, the celebrity micro-terrorist that has ruined pretty much everything this year, is going to cost the global economy

just £21.5 trillion. That is £4 trillion lower than the price quoted in the summer. £4 trillion off the recommended retail price of this once-in-a-lifetime global upheaval, plus a free commemorative vaccine if you sign up for more Covid next year.

Subject to availability, of course. The UN has also published its list of countries who have been found to have had the best responses to Covid. Those countries on that list are Mordor, Atlantis, Alpha Centauri, Oz, not that one, Alice, the Holy Roman Empire, and Happyland, home of the renowned Mr Man character Mr Happy, now, of course, Lord Happy after being ennobled for his services to naive

childhood optimism. And now it's time for our first IMF one trillion point bonus question. Fingers on the buzzers everyone. Do you have buzzers? No? I mean, you're recording a quiz in your own home

and you haven't brought a buzz honestly young people today I have a 126 decibel rape whistle my dad gave me it's kind of buzzer I think it's the first time that sentence has been used on the news it's because you don't book enough women. Right, the question is this.

Who, and it's a multiple choice question... Christine Lagarde! Incorrect. Lose a point. Andrew's out of the game. I'm out. Who, according to the IMF, has been disproportionately adversely affected by the COVID pandemic?

Is it A, the rich, or B, the poor? I'm going to have to hurry you. I'm going to say the rich. Incorrect. Incorrect. No, it's not. I'm sorry. Sorry. It's not.

Because if you're rich, you don't actually sail your own yacht. You need those peasants below deck. I'm not saying they haven't been affected, but according to the IMF, not as much as the poor. It's another disappointing global crisis for Team Economically Disadvantaged.

They can't catch or break the poor. That's, I think, four millennia in a row now that they've lost out to the rich. And, well, the neutrals might not like the way the rich play the game, but, goodness, they get results, and in the end that's what economics is all about. So, no points to either side there. Scores currently two to Asia-Pacific,

minus one to uneasy EU-Russia-USA alliance. And, well, this question goes to all of our global panellists. Britain produced Shakespeare and the Beatles as well as inventing cricket and gravity. So, of course, the world looks to us for guidance on all things, including how to deal with COVID. But who obviously didn't think about the newspaper headline wordplay possibilities of the word tear

and the existence of the well-known phrase, it will all end in tears, before announcing a new, inevitably unpopular and almost certainly doomed to fail, three-tier lockdown system. I don't know if I have the right answer, but as a foreigner, I googled simple explanation of the three-tiered system and this is what I got. The three-tiered system is an alcohol distribution

system for distributing alcoholic beverages set up in the United States after the repeal of the prohibition. Well, that's something somebody cling to. I think it's quite easy. Tier one is everything is fine. Tier two, you have to get a meal with your drink. Tier three, everybody dies. I propose you take advantage of Britain's obsession

with the Great British Bake Off and call them layers, like Mary Berry used to do back when it was good. Oh, zing! Zing for to ingratiate yourself with the BBC, Alice. I mean, it's quite... Essentially, it's been described as a traffic light system in which the lights are red, very red, and burning soul of hell itself.

I mean, nothing really says it's too late, quite like an alert system that starts at mediumly terrible, does it? I mean, that's very much shooting the horse after the door has bolted, isn't it? Isn't that how Starbucks works? I believe it is. Isn't the small one the medium one? And then the medium one's a large.

And then the large is an extra large. Isn't that a too Ronnie sketch? Some have said that the government is no longer following the science. That is unfair on the government, because we are, as a is no longer following the science. That is unfair on the government, because we are, as a nation, still following the science. The problem is the science ran away unexpectedly fast, then sneaked down an alleyway. We got held up at traffic lights

when an irritatingly timed 400-strong marching band crossed in single file, at which point we decided to abandon our vehicle and pursue the science on foot. We thought we caught a glimpse of the science in disguise in a cafe, but it wasn't. It was a different bit of science. Then we got a hurty leg and a stitch from all the running because we don't look after ourselves so well these days.

And finally, we make it to the airport, just in time to see the science sitting on a private jet, smoking a cigar, drinking champagne, and winking at us out of the window as it takes off, surrounded by a bevy of scantily clad test tubes. I'll give no points to both sides there because, as always, there are no winners. Let's move on to this question.

This goes to the uneasy EU-Russia alliance team. It is mid-October 2020, but what is still possible? Prince Philip is still a lot. That's it. I'll give you a point for that. It's close. Any other suggestions for what is still possible at this late stage? I'll tell you what's still possible. Everything. Everything.

Absolutely everything. You know, if it's within the realms of physics, anything's possible. And one of those things that is within the realms of physics. Anything's possible. And one of those things that is within the realms of physically possible is a trade deal between Brexit, Britain and the EU. Correct. It's possible. It's possible.

And you know what? The whole thing is going great. Right. And don't be letting any of your cosmopolitan metropolitan elite friends Andy tell you that it's not going great

it's going great great great great okay right what makes you close it's going very good and don't let any of your metropolitan big city snob friends Andy tell you the fact that one of the largest donors and supporters of Brexit, Sir Jim Radcliffe, Britain's richest man, him leaving to move to Monte Carlo is a sign of Brexit not going great. See, the problem is, the reason why it could be a little bit scanty,

the possibility of an amazing trade deal, is because of fish. Right. It all comes down to fish. And fishermen. If you haven't heard of fishermen, they're the farmers of the sea. Inform, educate and entertain. And it comes down to this thing, right? See, the British fishermen, they want to fish the British fish because they're, you heard it, they're British fish, right?

And the EU's going, well, listen, we'll do a trade deal with you, but we also want to fish those fish because we eat those fish. Whereas, weirdly, the fish that are off the British coast that the British fishermen so want to fish, the British people don't eat them. These are the five fish. See, my fellow teammates and panellists, see if you can name the five fish that Brits actually eat.

Have a guess. I didn't expect a fish naming competition. Nobody expects a fish naming competition. We're in extraordinary times, Alice. Extraordinary times. I've brushed up on my fish. Guess your fish. What are the five fish that Brits like to eat?

Cod. Cod, correct. Fish fingers. That your fish. What are the five fish that Brits like to eat? Cod. Cod, correct. Fish fingers. That's cod. Actually, that's pollock. That's actually pollock. It's a language. So, four more.

The answer is tuna, prawns, haddock and salmon. They're the five things that Brits actually eat from the waters, except for the salmon, and that's even a minority of it. None of it's off the British coast. The number one fish that's on the British coast that the European Union fishermen like fishing and the British fishermen fish and then sell into the EU is mackerel. And nobody eats it.

I mean, it'll be, you know, a little bit maybe on a starter menu in a gastropub, but none of them are open. So, in conclusion, can you not see how the British are completely at a loss in this issue? Britain is free to catch the mackerel, but then doesn't eat the mackerel OK, so if we eat more mackerel

that will justify Brexit, is that what you're saying? Yes, yes it would Andrew, I just want to add as a foreigner I can now understand why the Brussels negotiations are taking five years Correct, this is the latest Brexit haggle-gotiation taking five years. Correct. This is the latest Brexit haggle-gotiation,

the world's longest-running and least amusing freestyle improv sketch, rumbling towards a thrilling day in Newmont. There was a summit in Brussels this week to continue thrashing out the details, stroke growling at each other across the table, stroke allowing Boris Johnson to mutter, can I go out to play yet? I'm bored. The British government has claimed that Brussels is to blame for stalling negotiations and has called for an injection of creativity,

but unfortunately for them, all the creative people from Britain are now too busy retraining for that dream career in tech. So that's two points to Team Uneasy EU Russia USA Alliance. That brings us to the halfway stage. We need a circuit breaker at this point. So to get the points down to a manageable level, I'm going to halve everyone's score and then dock one. So it's now 1-0.

At least we've got on top of things again. And this question goes to Olga. And the question is this. Who got shot of what bot's plot to rot what tot? OK, so basically this story is vaguely about Russians hacking the US election. And I would just like to I would like to preface this by saying this is disappointing because this is the only chance that Russians have to get involved.S. election. Correct. And I would just like to, I would like to preface this by saying, this is disappointing because this is the only chance that Russians have to get involved

in a democratic election, okay? And so essentially what it is is that MoscowLink TrinkBot was taken down by Microsoft. In other words, a Russian botnet has been deactivated by a tech corporation. In other words, a Russian botnet has been deactivated by a tech corporation. In other words, like a Slavic malware has been disrupted

by Washington-based software enterprise. In other words, I literally studied computer science, and I was born in Russia, and I have no clue what the story is. Basically, Microsoft are trying to stop Russian hackers from tampering with the election, and I honestly don't think that anything can stall an internet hacker more than Internet Explorer. So power to them.

What I think, Andy, is that everyone should be assigned one bot farm, and then they get to make the bot farm skew the election in whichever way they think is possible. And then we get a very roundabout way back to democracy again. One person, one bot farm, skew the election in whichever way they think is possible. And then we get a very roundabout way back to democracy again. One person, one bot farm. Adapting to modern technology. The problem, Andy, has always been too much technology with modern elections. I'm reminded of the elections in India in the 1980s when there was no technology and power cuts. So you went basically in this tent and you were about to vote and someone from the other party had cut out a little hole in the tent and they looked in and just said, vote for us.

Analog bots, I like it. This is the story about Microsoft stepping in to try to scupper the Russian hacking network TrickBots plan to interfere with the American presidential election. The Washington Post suggested that the TrickBot is aiming to sow confusion in the US election. Confusion? That is like trying to gently boost Piers Morgan's ego. boost Piers Morgan's ego. It's like subtly photoshopping a Kardashian Instagram post or sneaking some badger testicles into a doner kebab. It seems, at best, pointless.

Two points to Olga there. Moving on now to this question for Alice. True or false? Neighbours. Everybody needs good neighbours. Show you're working and refer to geopolitical and economic tensions between Australia and China.

This refers to the recent story in Australian media that China's customs authorities have told several of their state-owned steelmakers and power plants to stop importing Australian thermal and coking coal. I'll give you a bit of background. Australia walks this delicate balance with China based on the fact that they usually want our raw materials and we want to sell it to them. But also we're super worried about the fact that they're a massive superpower sitting on our doorstep with a system of government that's historically incompatible with our own.

government that's historically incompatible with our own. And now maybe they don't want our iron ore anymore and everyone's worried that it's the first step in Australia having to, I don't know, diversify its economy from our classic dig shit up and sell it or put animals on top of the ground and then sell them. And this is bad because it means maybe we'll have to stop bullying our smart people and that's our favourite sport after cricket but before rugby. Which code of rugby are we talking about? Union.

Oh, God, no, no, no. League, league, definitely. Can we not have an argument about the relative popularity of different codes of violent sports in Australia? Because immigration's always going to come out on top. This is the story of a relation between Australia and China up-frosting, I believe is the term now, amidst diplomatic

and commercial squabblings. And China should be wary of getting into an intense rivalry with Australia. The vase containing the ashes is tiny and they get very, very competitive about it. So just imagine what they'll be like when they see the size of some of those Chinese vases. That would have gone so much better if I hadn't stumbled three times on the punchline.

Your delivery on that was minging. This question goes to Anuvab. What has unexpectedly caused a global row involving a British historian and the people of India? Yeah, so this story, Andy, is basically over a South Indian dish called the idli. So a British historian called Edward Anderson tweeted, Idlis are the most boring things in the world. And all of South India descended down on him. There hasn't been a war like this since Lord Wellesley fought Tipu Sultan in 1750.

In the great battle of Sarangapatam for control, indeed, of all of offline South India. But I have to side a little with Mr Anderson here, even though most of about 500 million people want to kill him. For two reasons. He has a South Indian mother-in-law who makes it for him every night and he's been in lockdown in Kerala, so he's suffering at another level.

Some context coming in now. Exactly. I've had a lot of Idlis, Andy, and how do I describe it? It has all the excitement of Switzerland mixed with all the dynamism of Mike Pence. In other words, it is boring... But it's the same with Mike Pence, isn't it? It gets a lot more exciting when you put something on it.

So with Mike Pence, it was the fly on his head that suddenly made him a more... But with idli, it's all about the curries and the chutneys that you put on top of them, isn't it? Absolutely. There's a yellow curry called sambar the chutneys that you put on top of them, isn't it? Absolutely. There's a yellow curry called sambar and a green curry you put on top of it then it becomes Mike Pence, Switzerland and a fly.

No, you're talking. That is correct. Two more points for Team Asia Pacific. And we're going to end this week's quiz with a question from an audience member, Andy Weiser. If you could choose anyone from world history to be in charge of the UK during these current times, who would you choose? How do you know we've been choosing your leaders?

Andy, who would you like to be in charge of the UK? It's a really good question, Andy. You need someone direct, definitive, and someone who sticks by their word and says it the way it is. And so I'm going with the 13th-century Mongol warlord, Hugaloo. He was allegedly a barbarian warlord who murdered and looted his way through Central Asia. But when he did get to a town and conquer it, he gave all the citizens two choices.

He said, look, I don't know where I'm going and I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm invading a bunch of places. So you could join me and I guarantee if you come with me, you will most likely die. Or you could stay here and I could kill you. The choice is yours. Democracy in action. It's just nice to have a choice, isn't it? I would say Andy Jesus.

Right. I would say Jesus because he has a proven record of making sure there's enough fish to go around. Well, that concludes this week's quiz. And the winners this week are Team Asia-Pacific by an unspecified margin, because I'm still processing the statistics. Just some quick breaking news.

Boris Johnson, whilst we have been on air, has just announced that the UK is to be turned off and on again at midnight tonight. off and on again at midnight tonight. And finally, the thought for the day is, oh dear. Thank you very much for listening. Thank you to our panellists, Alice Fraser and Anuvab Powell and Olga Koch and Andrew Maxwell. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye.

Taking part in the news quiz were Alice Fraser, Olga Koch, Andrew Maxwell and Anu Vabpal. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Simon Alcock, Suchendrika Chakrabarti and Mike Sheppard. The producer was Richard Morris

and it was a BBC Studios production. A new podcast from BBC Radio 4. Children of the Stones. The village is the sort of place people get murdered in in old TV shows. A village surrounded by an ancient stone circle. The stones are thirsty.

A village with an impossible secret. The stones are changing people. I look them straight in the eye and I see what's there. Witches. Bliss. Subscribe to Children of the Stones on BBC Sounds. She's coming. Happy day.

This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.