Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - Friday 18th September 2020

Episode Date: September 18, 2020

A satirical review of the week's news with Andy Zaltzman. This week Andy is joined by Paul Sinha, Ayesha Hazarika, Geoff Norcott and Catherine Bohart.Testing testing...is this thing on? Andy and the teams trace their way through another weekly deluge of news.Written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material by Simon Alcock, Alice Fraser, Ambika Mod and Mike Shephard.Producer: Richard Morris A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Andy Zaltzman. Gather round your radio. Not all of you at once, obviously, or I will call the cops. Thank you. I have a quiz in one hand, I have the news in the other hand, and I've read all of it, so neither you nor Dominic Raab has to sit down and plough through it from start to finish yourselves.

You're welcome. And to the relief of Jacob Rees-Mogg, the MP for West Caricature, our carping... Our carping will not be endless. It will be 28 minutes maximum. Welcome to the News Quiz. to the News Quiz. Yes, we have our live online audience there.

Thanks very much to Tim Berners-Lee for that. We were running low on yoghurt pots and strings. We will be taking some of the audience's questions during the show, but time to meet our two teams now. This week we have a true clash for the ages. Team Panic against Team Complacency.

On Team Panic we have Ayesha Hazarika and Paul Sinha. And on Team Complacency, Catherine Bohart and Geoff Norcott. And it is time now for question one, and this goes to Team Panic, to Paul and Ayesha. The question is, testing, testing, testing, is this thing on? I think this is the government in trouble this week. They've introduced the idea of the super snitch, the neighbourhood snitch. Priti Patel has gone on telly this

week to say, yeah, I'd dob my neighbours in. I'd absolutely dob my neighbours in. And it's an interesting image that she's portraying because all my life, my mum and dad have always compared us negatively to famous British Asian people on the telly. When Connie Hutt was on Blue Peter

they looked at my sister and said, why can't you be more like her? Then the other day, we were watching telly in my dad's living room, and Priti Patel came on, and my dad looked at my sister and went, for the love of God, not her. If she misses the chance to call her autobiography The Female Enoch, then she's... LAUGHTER to call her autobiography the female Enoch, then she's mixed and absolutely false.

In essence, I don't like Priti Patel. I mean, I see that. It's the wrong answer. That's not what I was looking for, Paul. Ayesha, testing, testing, testing, is this thing on? This is about the fact that you literally cannot get a test anywhere in the country at the moment. And the government have decided to blame the public for wanting to get a test, even though a few weeks ago, the government said, even if you don't have any symptoms, you should go for a test.

And Jacob Rees-Mogg accused the public of just carping. And he thinks we just all need to sort of man up. And I think what he'd like us to do is challenge the virus to a duel or something like that. But he didn't just ask us to man up. He asked us to celebrate a great British triumph and a great British performance. I think Jacob Rees-Mogg will make a great profession as an alternative film critic. His version of the Titanic, a tremendous tale of women and children surviving. And Irish craftsmanship.

And Irish craftsmanship as well, yes. I mean, Geoff, how do we think, bearing in mind that the problems with testing now, we've heard a lot about the moonshot of everyone being tested every time they open their eyes in the morning i mean are we on course bearing in mind that we don't seem to be able to get off the ground at all is the moonshot a goer well i think that's why it's a good name because it's really unlikely i think it was a brilliant name by boris he's actually

covered a lot of eventualities there the thing is eddie coming on a show like this i really was looking forward to socking it to the lefties. Do you know what I mean? Going, hey, you've got it all wrong on this. But equally, one of the things that sort of makes you right wing in the first place is that you're a libertarian. And suddenly these Tories, mate. OK, this feels good, by the way, getting into it. Maggie out, right?

I can see why they get off on it. These Tories, you know, they're sort of delving into areas of our lives where I don't want them to delve. You know, telling me that I can't mingle with my neighbours. I already thought I was doing a brilliant job of that. You know, I've hid behind bins. I've pretended to be abroad. I've got it covered.

And then there's this strange thing where the government seem to think that they can tease us with the idea that they might cancel Christmas. you're like matt hancock is sort of like a dad threatening to tell santa you know well you know what mate santa he's old male and he has a high bmi he should probably be shielded anyway right so it's not even clear that he should leave the house and and some of the rules uh i mean the rule of six i mean they didn't need to legislate on that for me because you know i i don't i'm legislate on that for me because, you know, I'm not really in that place in terms of my social circle. I couldn't get

six mates to my funeral if there was champions legal. I would say that on the testing, though, I do think that it is possible that the public are potentially having tests that they don't need. I mean, we're not far on before... We had a bog roll shortage, for God's sake.

The idea that some people might be getting tested. I think maybe what we should do is do a means testing thing and say, well, go round your house. If you've got more than 10,000 grams of pasta, no test for you, OK? LAUGHTER You're clearly excessively risk-averse. In terms of snitching,

would you snitch on your neighbours for doing something contraband? Are you natural snitchers? Yeah, I mean, I'm a bit like Geoff, only in one way, which is that I also don't want to talk to my neighbours, so if it's a reason that they might hold a grudge, then I'm delighted. I think that what is odd is that these new lockdown measures, obviously the left are incredibly against

the Tories generally, but the lockdown measures are kind of quite well liked on the left. It's seen as a progressive thing. And actually what's a strange thing now is the main opponents to lockdown measures are kind of fusty old Tories, suddenly getting all individualistic in the comments going, don't tell me what to do, yeah,

I don't take no rules from the man, see? I'm a street spirit, fam. Yes, well, this is Covid. Further restrictions were imposed on the people in the north-east of England this week. When asked about reports of people struggling to get tested, Health Secretary Matt Hancock said it would take a matter of weeks to resolve the issues. Notably

he did not put a number on those weeks. It has been a matter of weeks since the Romans invaded as well. Just over 100,000 weeks, but still weeks. Love that you did the maths. It's a strange time for Britain. Stopping for a chat with your next-door neighbours twice in a week

now constitutes a crime spree, whilst the niche hobbies of fox-mangling and grouse-maiming are absolutely fine because it's well known that the virus cannot pass through tweed. A mingling is not, as Jacob Rees-Mogg had assumed, a little antique Chinese vase It is in fact a crime Home Secretary, despite everything, Priti Patel, stated this week that two families bumping into each other on the street would be breaking the rule of six and claimed that she would snitch on people for having such impromptu meetings.

Unless, of course, they'd taken the precaution of holding them clandestinely with members of the Israeli government over and over again whilst claiming to be on holiday. Right, it's time to go on to an audience question. Just getting the latest business news through. And the latest business news is there's not enough business. That is the latest business news through and the latest business news is there's not enough business um that is all the business news and this leads into lisa's question about how to help the economy in these difficult times lisa are you there um yes okay so uh you've

got a question about sort of touching on how we raise money as a nation. Yes. So as Notorious B.I.G.'s $6 crown sold for almost $600,000 at auction this week, which of our national treasures should we be putting on eBay to aid the economic recovery? Gary Lineker. Yeah, Gary Lineker. This guy is a genius in monetising, saying links to football matches. He can generate income. Gary Lineker, final answer. I don't want to restart a culture war, but if Tupac Shakur owned a crown,

it would have sold for a lot more money than Notorious B.I.G. Without a doubt. But as a national treasure, it's got to be something quintessentially British and quintessentially invaluable. So it's the Elgin Marbles, obviously. The Elgin Marbles is what we should say. I think that's an actual war, Paul, to be honest. I think that might be.

And unlike your first culture war, I think listeners of the news quiz might actually understand why that's problematic. We did offer to lend the Elgin Marbles back to Greece, which, as gestures go, is roughly equivalent to the crew of the Enola Gay offering to spend the afternoon in Hiroshima being really quiet. Any other suggestions?

What about the Good Friday Agreement? Oh, we've just given that away for free, obviously, so we're an option. Well, I'm going to give a point to Geoff. Yes Gary Lineker is the correct answer. We should definitely sell Gary. In fact I think you know Gary Lineker for every country in the world. If we can

clone Lineker and flog him to every country. I think it'll basically restart Empire. So there's a point for Geoff there. The score currently stands at panic 2, complacency 1 and it takes us on to question two this is for uh team complacency Jeff and Catherine the question is who scored five out of five this week is this uh is this break so you just we call team complacency and

both of us just pause for ages. This is Brexit, right? Yes, you're getting to that. Who specifically scored five out of five? Who scored five out of five? Presumably this is the fact that five ex-Prime Ministers took potshots at Boris for his current situation. And I feel like... Yeah, OK, good, I'm glad.

I mean, it only took Scrooge three, but sure, he needed five to tell him that he was doing the wrong thing. I mean, what a gang of five they were as well. And presumably when it comes to giving out to a prime minister

for breaking international law, it would have been better if Tony Blair had stood at the back. But he marched on in there pretty enthusiastically. Get on the back, Tony, get on the back. I do feel a little bit like the particular prime ministers who came out to give out about Boris Johnson.

I guess it's a bit like arsonists kind of watching firemen and then going, huh, not where I would have started with putting it out. Like, it's not a great situation. My favourite thing about the UK breaking international law is that all of the lawyers keep resigning, which should be a, that should be a scary sign, shouldn't it? I feel like if your lawyers are resigning, that's a bad sign. Well, I think, you know, the lawyers, they only resign because they couldn't, you know, round up half days to fall for invoicing purposes. Look, as a Leave voter, I can hear some people clapping that have been through the small claims court. I think I think it is very possible to a voted Leave, but be very uncomfortable with the idea of breaking international law.

I think, you know, even the way it sounds, it doesn't sound like the top three things of consequence-free action, right? On the other hand... What are those top three, Jim? You've clearly made a list. Well, I mean, being in the EU... The EU... And the other thing is, would the EU meddle? I think, yes, the EU would meddle.

I think the organisation is sort of predicated on a fair degree of meddling. And there are recent examples of the EU and EU member states breaking international law themselves. But I know this is a Radio 4 audience. You're probably thinking, yeah, but I bet they did it with more class, Geoff. I bet when they broke the law, it was so sophisticated. A French swagger event. the right are so sophisticated. French swagger. But this was an incredible moment, really, to have all these ex-prime ministers from across the political spectrum going, you know,

as commentators, we were all really, really pouring over their every word. But what was amazing is that Boris Johnson managed this week a remarkable political feat. He made everybody wish Theresa May was still Prime Minister, which is quite... Everyone's like, you know what, she was a good... Good moves as well. She could really... Wow. Define everybody. And also, when you analyse... So we were all pouring through their kind of statements. Some of it was pretty strong.

Theresa May said that it could damage trust. Major and Blair said it was embarrassing and shameful. Gordon Brown described it as self-harm. And David Cameron said that he had some misgivings. And that is the Cameron fighting talk that we all so miss, isn't it? I must admit, rejuvenating five prime ministers in a crisis reminded me of a desperate TV executive looking at low ratings and going, we're just going to reboot Alvida Zane, Pat,

and bring back five no longer relevant people who can't remember whether it's OK to trade with Germany or not. With a token woman thrown in this time, for good measure but at least it was boris johnson getting some opposition in parliament which was our parliament whatever you want to call it which is nice because he hasn't been getting much opposition in parliament and then suddenly out of nowhere ed milliband appears it wasn't just five it was it wasn't just five ex-prime ministers it. It was Ed Miliband out of nowhere. And he had a spring in his step and he had confidence

and he had vigour and charisma. Where was this? And he realised that he was ready for lockdown, completely ready for lockdown, because he'd spent the years 2015 to 2020 preparing while not eating any food in public whatsoever. It was great to have the real Ed back, frankly. I used to work for Ed for five years,

and it was so good to see him, like, completely sock it to Boris Johnson. So it's good. I mean, he did get into training. He was, like, punching bacon sandwiches, he told me, and sort of, like, you know... It's not really been a good week for Keir Starmer to witness that really and the the level of uh sustained opposition actually being taken to something that actually meant something because I think a famous politician said about Keir Starmer that being attacked by him was like being congratulated by a dead sheep I think that's

it is weird though Starmer as well when he does well in the comments people say well god he's really good at cross-examining Boris. You go, that was his job, mate. He was a QC. Like, the reason he's called Sir Keir Starmer is because he was a lawyer. If he didn't deliver on the cross-examining thing, you'd think he wasn't really doing his job. And interestingly, he's called Keir after Keir Hardy. And Jeremy Corbyn's named Jeremy after Jeremy Hardy.

Well, both hugely respected leftist things. We're both hugely respected leftist things This is indeed the story of five Count them, five former Prime Ministers Ganging up on the current incumbent Theresa May, David Cameron, John Major, Tony Blair And Gordon Brown condemned a governmental Withdrawal agreement gambit That has catapulted an unnecessary cat

Into Britain's own pigeon coop Major and Blair collaborated on an open letter to The Times last week. Surfing the wave of 90s nostalgia thus engendered, they are now expected to have a Christmas number one in their cover version of I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World. Incidentally, do you know that is a fact? The two Barbies in the title of that song are short for barbiturates and Barbaric.

David Cameron, taking a break from his hectic schedule of desperately trying not to think about what he's done, became the fifth former Prime Minister to criticise the government's cheeky new bill. Cameron said that breaking an international treaty should be the final resort, which, coincidentally, is where he is probably on holiday as we speak. And, yes, with Keir Starmer self-isolating, Labour got the old Milliband back together for one last Millishot at the big time. The ex-leader and renowned committer of career fratricide,

Ed Milliband, stood in for Keir Starmer at the dispatch box. The former 2015 electoral catastrophe star went toe-to-chin with the Prime Minister in a debate on the controversial internal market bill and was widely seen to have conclusively beaten Johnson, a triumph on current form, right up there with beating Red Rum at table tennis. He's A, a horse, and B, definitely dead.

Still, a win's a win. That takes us to the halfway mark with Team Complacency 3, Team Panic on 2. And just some quick breaking news. Elon Musk has admitted that he is entirely fictitious. The celebrity tech-toppreneur confirmed in a press statement, he said, I escaped from a James Bond film sometime in the late 1980s and have been roaming

around in the real realm ever since. We'll move on to the first question of the second half, and this is a simple question to all our panellistas. What advice would you give to a young person today? A single piece of advice to a young person. I don't want to chip in on this.

Moisturise. Travel back in time and buy shares in Carex. Travel back in time to your gap year in China and don't eat that pangolin. That would be mine. Travel back in time to your gap year in China and don't eat that pangolin. That would be my advice. Mine would be, at this point in 2020, just do the drugs. I'll give one point to both sides for that,

although the correct answer was, in fact, this piece of advice from the great Roman philosopher-warrior Maximus Decimus Meridius, who famously said, what we post online in this life echoes in eternity. Right, so with the score now at Complacency 4, Panic 3, we move on to Question 3. Or was it 4? We'll call it Question 4. We move on to Question 4. And this goes to uh team panic

to paul and aisha uh if men are from mars what is from venus this is life apparently correct scientists be still my beating heart i've done some research that suggests there might be life on Venus. And although it's technically current affairs, I'm finding it hard to care. It's an interesting story, I know, but it's not like I'll ever go. It's not life as in space life. It's not weird creatures that might attack you any minute. It's bubbles of oxygen and little streams here

and bits of funny gases and molecules. I don't think this is going to actually affect our lives in any way. Paul, I have to disagree with you. I'm going to deduct you a point for that science scepticism. No place for that on the BBC. I mean, if living things can survive on Venus, Paul, with its 96% carbon dioxide and its 460 degree average temperature, it shows we've still got some major pollution wiggle room on Earth.

This could be the booth the climate sceptic lobby needs. Andy, you just did one of the stats there. I'd revise for this, because one of the things when I appear on Radio 4... Well, I don't appear, do I? That's probably why people think I'm stupid. I often get feedback that I appear on Radio 4, well, I don't appear, do I? That's probably why people think I'm stupid, is that I often get feedback that I'm not the brightest. So I thought I'd come with some facts for you all about Venus.

Clouds are 75 to 95% sulfuric acid, which is not great for life, but excellent overhead conditions for swing bowling. There's an instant two points for a cricket reference. I mean, I'm as excited as the next person about life on Venus, but it does feel

slightly like another kick in the teeth to David Bowie, doesn't it? I will say this, though. It does strike me as odd that there's so much time and energy going into researching life on Venus right now. Like, I would say I get that it sounds like a sexy planet,

but I do wish the pervs would just, you know, solve COVID. Like I would say I get that it sounds like a sexy planet but I do wish the pervs would just, you know, solve COVID and I don't really understand why they're not but that would just be me. This is the story that astronomers have detected of gas in the clouds of Venus that they say could emanate from living organisms 30

miles up in the planet's atmosphere. Scientists believe that life could survive floating in the region where liquid water can exist 50 kilometres above the surface of Venus, which really shows up people who complain about the lack of rural bus services for the gutless whingers that they are. Another environmental-related question for you now. Which famous couple split up this week?

Any guesses? Could one of the clever people on the panel just say something? It's not the Crankies, is it? Not the Crankies? No? Thank God. Celebrity break-up this week? Well, I can tell you the correct answer is Greenland and a 42 square mile chunk of the Arctic's largest

remaining ice shelf. Satellite images showed a section that's broken off the Nyaghalvfjord, the Big N glacier. I didn't realise you spoke it. How beautiful. Are you guys worried about this? Are you worried about the... I mean, when did you actually last use an ice shelf?

Is anyone worried about anything long-term anymore? Wow. You all right, Aristotle? Is everyone all right? We had tough lockdowns, lads. Andy, how can I worry about stuff like this when they've replaced the whole cast of Question of Sport, mate? You need to get your priorities straight, mate.

You know what I mean? Get your head in the game, mate. Anyway, just, again, Get your head in the game, mate. Anyway, again, let's look for the positives. That is revenge. That is for the Titanic. Revenge is a dish best served slightly less cold than it used to be. So, just time

for another question from our audience. This comes from Giles Wheeler. What is your question for our panellists? Yeah, I'm sure that none of the panel take any pleasure in the pain of others, but what has been your favourite bit of schadenfreude this week? What's your top schadenfreude charts? I take immense pleasure in the pain of others, so I don't know what you mean.

Someone pushed in front of me at Legoland this week, but, get this, right, me and my son waiting there, waiting their ages, turned out their kid was too small for the ride, so... LAUGHTER So, was this supposed to be topical? I didn't know if it was... LAUGHTER

But it's this week. Well, for that answer, I'm going to give a point to Geoff, which brings the scores level at eight. So we move now to a potentially decisive quickfire round. So answer these questions as quickly as possible. The first one goes to Paul.

Which is the odd one out? The government of the state of Oregon, the government of the state of Washington, the government of the state of California, or Prometheus, who stole the secret of fire from the gods? The government of California is the only one out. Incorrect. It's Prometheus. He's the only one that President Trump hasn't blamed for the ongoing fires in America.

Oh, yeah. I was going for the Government of California is the only one to have nominated Conan the Barbarian as their governor. You get half a point for that. That's also correct. Geoff, if grouse shooting is allowed but children's parties are not, how illegal, as a percentage, would a children's shooting party be? As long as you do it in a specific way, and by that I mean laser sights.

I'll give you a mark for that. Ayesha, how many endangered species go extinct per documentary made by David Attenborough about endangered species? Two and three quarters. That's close enough. It is, in fact, 2.9, but I will give

you that. That's within a quarter. If anything, that rate's sped up since he started butting in. He's got to be wondering if it's his fault. If he'd never bothered those orangutans, would everything be fine? Catherine, what is the collective noun for a group of ex-prime ministers? A cardigan? An embarrassment?

Oh, a book deal! A book deal! That is correct! You could have also had an unread memoir, a recrimination or a pylon. Final last question. This goes to anyone. What is the biggest problem facing the world today? We're out of time. We are out of time.

The correct answer is the global decline in the popularity of test match cricket. So that... Well, it's now 10-all, which means we have to have a tiebreaker and to decide this thrilling, thrilling contest between panic and complacency. It's the return of the news quiz cuttings in the form of a multiple-choice tiebreaker.

Guess the inevitable double entendre. This came from a Gumtree advert seen by Dominic Prosser, which, how does the following sentence end from this Gumtree advert? I'm selling my vivacity 20-foot yacht to raise funds for my daughter. She, is it A, can accommodate up to 12 sailors at any one time. Is it B, is an absolute beauty but you'll have to scrape the barnacles off her bottom yourself?

Is it C, sails fantastically and doesn't need anti-fouling paint? Or is it D, wants to go to university to study Aztec hieroglyphics and modern jazz while I've gone off sailing since watching the hit 1989 Nicole Kidman film, Dead Calm.

Is it A, B, C or D? I think D. I think you laugh so much in the reading of D. I think maybe you're quite fond of it. And because it's so bizarre, perhaps. OK, you're going with D. And Team Panic, what are you going to go for? A, B, C or D? OK, OK, we'll go for A.

You're both wrong. It's C. She sails fantastically and doesn't need anti-foul and paint is the correct answer. This show has ended in a draw, a 10-all draw, a high-scoring game. Thriller for the neutrals. Thank you very much. That concludes the news quiz. Huge thanks to our two teams. On Team Complacency, Catherine Bohart and Geoff Norcott,

and on Team Panic, Paul Sinha and Ayesha Hazarika. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Taking part in the News Quiz were Catherine Bohart, Ayesha Hazarika, Geoff Norcott and Paul Sinha. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Simon Olcock, Ambika Mod,

Alice Fraser and Mike Sheppard. The producer was Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios production. Have you ever wondered what teachers talk about when no one else is listening? Well, you're about to find out. I'm Maureen Bake and my brand new podcast, The Secret Life of Teachers, goes behind the headlines to see what's really going on

as teachers go back to school after the lockdown. I was a teacher for almost a decade, but I never witnessed a time like this. So I've created my own virtual secret staff room where each week some teacher friends and I will discuss everything from remote learning and mental health to offset inspections and teachers behaving badly. If you'd also like to overhear their uncensored staff room confessions then subscribe to my podcast The Secret Life of Teachers on BBC Sounds.