Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - Friday 4th September 2020

Episode Date: September 4, 2020

Andy Zaltzman is the new host of the News Quiz, chewing over a week of headlines with a panel of comics and journalists. This week Helen Lewis, Lucy Porter, Andrew Maxwell and Daliso Chaponda are the guests in this first episode of the series recorded with a remote audience watching and listening from home.Producer: Richard Morris Production co-ordinator: Gwyn Davies A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman. It is September 2020 and disappointingly, we have just heard that the world has today dropped out of the top three planets in the solar system rankings for the first time since the dinosaurs went extinct. We've swabbed the world and it has tested news positive.

The treatment suggested a quiz. So welcome to the new series of the News Quiz. Well, and as you may have just heard at home joining us this series, a big welcome back for the first time since the before times, to a live audience. Albeit a live audience that is live in their own homes via the 21st century witchcraft that is a live video conference call. There they all are. I can see them now. I can see some absolutely wonderful bookshelves.

I never knew there were so many Mr Men and Little Miss books. Or that Michael Gove had published a third volume of erotic limericks. So thank you all for joining us virtually. Just a quick question for our audience. Could you please now sum up

the summer just passed in one noise? Well that is the first correct answer of the series, a groan of confusion. So that's one point to the audience. I believe that's the first audience point in the history of the News Quiz. We will be taking... Well done. See if you can sit on that.

Play safe. Sit on a 1-0 lead. We will be taking further questions from the audience later in the show, but to answer all the questions in the world this week, I'm joined by two teams, Team Hope and Team Glory. On Team Hope, Lucy Porter and Delisa Oshaponda. Thank you, thank you. And on Team Glory, we have Andrew Maxwell and Helen Lewis. And on Team Glory, we have Andrew Maxwell and Helen Lewis.

So there you are, two teams, Team Hope and Team Glory. Throughout the rest of the show, we will be using all the other words from Land of Hope and Glory, so you can, should you be so inclined, re-edit the show into a patriotic song. It's entirely up to you, but to get you started, here's a note. We are recording this via the internet, so if any of our panellists' connection does drop out, we will try to link back up, but we will also deduct a point from them for inefficient technology. And we have an emergency artificial intelligence robot satirist ready

to step in just in case i'll just check that the the robot satirist is working what is up with donald trump yeah that's pretty much all you need question one now and this goes to team hope to liso and lucy what can people finally get rid of this week? Oh, well, it's not Gavin Williamson, is it? He's going nowhere in the... Oh, I don't know, our bikinis at the end of the British summer. And having to go back to the office. I mean, that's two reasons that you can't wear your bikini anymore.

I'm really hoping it's not foreigners. This is not how I'd like to find out. Who can they get rid of? Who or what? Yes, yep. Who is fine. Oh, OK. Well, it's not true for me. But generally, are we talking about children going back to school?

Yes, people can finally get rid of their children, correct? Yes. That is a point for points. It's a team hope. Can I have an extra point because I can't get rid of my children until Monday? Because our school, who's been brilliant by the way I have nothing but praise for them but they are having extra staff training days or insect days as they call them although I have heard various parents refer to them as insect days and incest days which I have no idea what that's about but yeah generally most I mean, Scotland, they've been back for ages

because, you know, it's been winter in Scotland for about the last 100 years. But, yeah, so I think everywhere, England, Wales, Northern Ireland, Scotland, I think everybody's back at school except my children. Right. And, I mean, are you generally, Lucy, in favour of your children going to school

or do you think, you know, informing children about the world is probably the worst thing we can do as parents I would say I'm very much I mean it is difficult knowing whether or not it's safe or whatever but the school sent round a little survey to us and they said would you be ok with your children going

back to school if they had to wear a mask and all of us parents we were like we would be ok with them going back wearing a mask, wearing a wetsuit. If we have to dress them as Margaret Rutherford in the movie Blithe Spirit, we will do whatever. Like, just please, God, take them. Take them now.

So, yeah, and they're really ready to go back. My daughter said, oh, Mummy, it's going to be so nice to go back to school to be with someone who actually knows what they're doing. So that's the kind of confidence that my children have. I do think, though, that children find a way to bully each other with everything. So masks are now going to be like, there'll be the cool mask, the Gucci mask kid, and there'll be the kid with, like, the welfare mask. It's just a matter of time

until your masking choices become something to whack you over the head with. Well, I presume posh schools will have their own mask that you can only get from the school outfitters. That would be a way to claw back a bit of cash, but... A little slogan in Latin on the front of it. Tempus fugit, everyone it tempest fugit everyone tempest fugit you've just made me remember that my school did actually have a latin motto how's this for a creepy latin motto so it was called saint mary's convent so the virgin mary it was

sine macula without stain oh lovely now everybody else the english might be disgusted by that but i'm inspired out stain. Oh, lovely. Now, everybody else, the English might be disgusted by that, but I'm inspired. But I do think now, because there's been a lot of talk about how we can, you know, this crisis has presented us an opportunity to rethink

the way we do things in the world. So, I mean, is it time to reassess education? I mean, do we actually need teachers, for example? Do we need subjects? Do we need English teachers? There's enough books in the world. Do we need science teachers? Science still works, even if kids don't know about it.

Do we need math just by a calculator? The only teachers I think we need are drama teachers because that is the core skill that my kids' generation are going to need, the ability to pretend that they are living happy and fulfilled working lives and own their own homes. I don't think I have a right to have any opinion on education because it was so long ago.

It was so long ago. It was so long ago. Genuinely, I was asked this the other day, what do you remember from your school days? And all I remember was the relentless struggle to find somewhere on the radiator. We had this question from Colleen Wilson who is in our audience today.

The question simply says, Gavin Williamson, not sacked or resigned. Explain. So a point to who can give the best explanation for why he has neither been sacked nor resigned. I think that just sacking people from government always has bad... They usually, you know, they form their own group and they start a coup.

That might just be in Malawi, but generally... It's a bad idea. I think we need more coups in this country. He's right, though. This country needs its own Hastings Banda, that's what I say. It needs a strongman. Yeah, I mean, I'manda, that's what I say he needs a strong man I'm not sure that's Gavin Williamson I think they're just keeping him

round because Chris Grayling has now flounced out of the Intelligence and Security Committee because they wouldn't make him chairman so they kind of need to have one kind of pet incompetent I think Right well this week, pupils across England and Wales have returned to school

after the longest holiday after the Covid shutdown damagingly interrupted their education. Children are said to be three months behind where they should be at this stage, which is a perfect preparation for real life. Constantly feeling you're not quite up with things and wonderful training for, for

example, working on any major infrastructure project. Three months behind, frankly, is entry-level stuff, but at least it's something. Or working, maybe, I'm not simply running a basic track and trace system. I mean, three months would be a dream, frankly. Next question, another one for Team Hope.

Whose lockdown has been locked back up? Oh, is this talking about me? Is this talking about Manchester? Yeah, I mean, not you personally. Well, not me personally, of course. It was all about me. It wasn't about the whole of Manchester. It was just me. But yes,

no, Manchester, we were out of lockdown, then we're in lockdown, then we were possibly out of lockdown, and now we're still in lockdown. It's been re-extended. And are you pleased by this? Well, it's one of those things where, like, I think part of the problem is,

the rules don't make sense up here. A lot of the rules don't make sense. It's things like, I can go to a pub, which is full of people, but I can't have someone over to my flat, right? And it's just like, if you're going to have rules that don't make sense, I'm religious. Make them sound religious and I will actually obey them. I shall not have a neighbor in your house.

OK, I'll follow that. Wales in Wales, they've brought in a system where you can gather in groups of up to 30, which is awesome for the Welsh because that's a rugby game. But sadly, without a referee. Rugby is God intended. Rugby is God intended. Now I've got to remember what the rules of lockdown are

and the rules of rugby. Are they actually enforcing it? This is the thing is every week I read new things, but people are issued fines. They don't pay them. I think they actually need to make instant punishment if we want to get people to bring back the stocks or something. Like, you know, just like an instant

punishment for breaking a rule. Yeah, but you're not allowed to share fruit. You've got to bring your own fruit. Please do bear in mind, if you're listening at home, that there is a little bit of a delay between recording and broadcast, so some of the policies and stories we're talking about

may have changed by the time you hear this. Furthermore, there is also a bit of a delay between us saying words and the words hitting the microphone, caused by the speed of sound being not quite the speed of the government changing its guidance, its mind, its chosen bit of science, or indeed its underpants. So if some of this is out of date. Please, please cut us some slack. In Scottish lockdown news, the Scottish government has introduced restrictions

on visiting other households in Glasgow and two neighbouring areas. I don't know if that's changed since the start of that sentence. Travellers arriving in Wales from the Greek island of Zantia being asked to self-isolate, or to give it its proper term, spend some quality me time with themselves for 14 days. Andrew, how do you think the Scots are going to deal with this? So you're not allowed to go to other people's houses

in Greater Glasgow, but you are, and this is the term they're using for it, you are allowed to go to hospitality settings which is Scottish Government conversation for a pub I've been in a lot of

pubs in Glasgow and a lot of them are not hospitality settings they're not of pubs in Glasgow and a lot of them are not hospitality settings. They're not. The best... Carry on. I was just going to say about the whole anti-mask thing. This is fantastic. This is the situation across the sea in Ireland.

Because we had our first anti-mask rally a couple of weeks back. The lead... Honestly, I promise you I'm not making this up. The leading anti-mask conspiracy loon in Ireland is Jim Corr. Jim Corr is the male sibling from the 90s band The Cores.

And he's Ireland's leading flag shagger. Just explain that term for them. That's what we call them in Ireland. I think it actually came from Father Ted, I can't be sure. But at the anti-mask rally, there was a lot of people waving tricolours, the Irish flag. And people who wave a lot of flags for no particular reason are called flag shaggers in Ireland.

We call them linesmen in England. Fair enough. Anyway, so they had the anti-mask rally, all whipped up by Jim Corr. Online on Twitter, to ride in, to save

the day for rational debate and public health. Who came to the rescue? Well, I'll tell you who. Jedward. Amazing. It's reminiscent of when Bananarama and the Pet Shop Boys

came to blows over the exchange rate mechanism. That's it. That's what I thought. Genuinely, the whole of Ireland watched on Twitter as Jed worked together, saved the day for public health. So it just shows you, not all heroes wear one cape. Yeah, this was the story of the parts of Greater Manchester which were due to have lockdown restrictions eased, have them pre-emptively de-eased,

and in a further quarantine story, following controversy over the changing quarantine status of countries such as Portugal and Greece, the government has now announced plans to quarantine people returning to Britain based not on where they have been, but on what kind of person they are. Strambert Hoggis, the Minister for Speculative Policy Announcements, explained, we are now looking at quarantining people who like playing golf but are not very good at it,

men who like 1980s rock music, and women with more than eight different handbags. Asked for a reason for the new policy, Mr Hoggis replied, I don't know. So, that's just point for Team Hope, for Lucy and Lisa. And a question now for Team Glory, for Helen and Andrew. Why are underpants manufacturers rejoicing this week? Hello?

Hello? Do you know what, I think your question is so good that it's killed Andrew. Always cut out. You've just lost your only point, Helen. Andrew! I said at the start, down a point for losing internet. I'm going to have to get the cyber satirist to stand in for him for a bit of emergency uh

ai satire brexit there we go absolutely on the money as always i'm guessing that this is about people coming um back to work which oh no hang on a minute i've done it myself i've done the thing that i already hate the government keeps saying people need to go back to work. And I think, what have I been doing at my living room table for eight hours a day for the last six months, actually? It's not like cheating in Vegas. It still counts if you're doing it at home. But they're desperately, for some reason, Boris Johnson thinks he's not prime minister so much as sort of CEO of the British Sandwich Marketing Corporation. And if one of the 90 billion branches of prep

that I can see from any hill in London goes under, then this is a national tragedy. So we've all got to go back to our two-hour-long commutes for some reason. Hello? Am I back in the game? You are back in the game. Can you see me? I don't want to alarm you, Andrew,

but we're currently losing to the audience. Can you hear me? Yes, we can hear you. Of course, there's some jobs that don't work quite so well from home. Zoo keeper, for example. Can lead to fish and penguin issues. Town crier, that really loses its edge. Hitman. Hitman. It's been a very difficult time for assassins.

This week, the government-funded furlough scheme began to wind down with the coronavirus job retention scheme now paying only 70% of workers' wages, down from the previous 80%. The government, meanwhile, launched a drive to get people back to work, but a survey revealed that nine in ten workers who've worked from home during lockdown would like to continue doing so. Turns out the attraction of trudging into work

on an overloaded, uncomfortable transport system, sitting at a desk, ticking off the minutes until retirement finally allows you to start properly focusing on the long-awaited embrace of the Reaper is not quite enough to make people want to put on a pair of trousers for the first time in six months. That concludes round one, and the scores are currently one point for Team Glory.

For Helen, but she's lost two points due to Andrew dropping off twice, so now on minus one at the halfway stage. Team Hope, Lucy and Deliso are on three, and the audience is on one, so you've got some drama to make up. Before we move on to round two, just another quick breaking news story coming in.

The BBC has announced that it will broadcast in full the first ever Silent Prom live from the Albert Hall. The corporation's director of conspicuous even-handedness explained that the Silent Prom would allow everyone to imagine the music and lyrics they personally want to hear being played. Will that do? He said.

Now, please, everyone, leave me be. Right. Round two. We have a question for Team Glory, Helen and Andrew. There are two months to go until what? Oh, I know this one. It's some probable civil war in America. Oh, my Lord, yes. Yes. They're particularly worried about the fact that it might look,

because so many people are voting by mail, as if Donald Trump has won, regardless of what the actual result turns out to be. And they're going to have to at some point maybe turn around and go, oh, we've counted all the votes now, and the result's different. And if that doesn't sound like a recipe for disaster, I do not know what does. It's good

times ahead. For me, you know, I watched Biden, because obviously Biden's the other possibility. I watched Biden make a rambling speech the other day, and I... God love him. God love Joe Biden, but he's a half-wit.

He's a half-wit. But luckily for our entire world, he's going up against a guy who's a quarter-wit. There was today BC during the week, Donald Trump made this very hushed, very serious speech about how protesters

against police brutality and such rallies across America are using cans of soup as a weapon. It's incredible. You've got to see, it was this week, He was there going, they're using cans of soup and they throw them with this so much more dangerous than a rock. This is genuinely

what he said. If they're caught with a can of soup, they go, I'm just feeding my family cans of soup. He was saying this like with genuine terror, fear of cans of soup while sitting in a room with a man with a suitcase with a red button that could blow up the world. This is like, you know, a man of his age should see soup as a friend.

There was an extraordinary tweet by Trump this week where he said, contrary to reports, I did not have a series of mini-strokes and was taken to hospital. And everyone went, no one said you did. We have an audience question from Bruce Martin. Bruce, are you here? Yeah, I'm here, yeah. Hello, Bruce.

Can you share your question for our panel? Yeah, hopefully this will win a point for the audience. If cricket was played in the USA, how might it change their politician's sense of fair play? Right, we get an instant point for mentioning cricket. I feel like if cricket was played in the USA, people would be armed in some way. It used to be massive in the States,

in the Edwardian period. And then the NCC, in their infinite wisdom, kicked the Yanks out because they weren't in the British Empire or Commonwealth. Well, I mean, it's rare to get a proper factual answer on this. I think I'll probably have to deduct you a point for bringing facts to the news. I mean, I don't know anything at all about cricket,

and I'm sorry, Andy, don't take a point away, but I approve of it as a mum. That's gone, I'm afraid. No, but I think as a mum, cricket is a very mum-friendly game because everybody comes in for tea when they're told to, and you can wear a jumper if it's a bit nippy. Yes, this is two months ago until the American election.

It's just been another regular week in America. The president compared police shooting someone multiple times at point-blank range with a golfer missing a three-foot putt, then suggested people commit electoral fraud, whilst a top Republican doctored a video of a motor neurone disease sufferer to falsely make it look like Joe Biden was saying something that he was not. And then, of course, the president accused his election opponent of taking performance-enhancing drugs. Just a bog-standard week in American democracy,

in the glorious spectacle of two incoherent septuagenarians facing off. It's what we fought all those world wars for. Three of them. Two hot, one cold. OK, and with the scores tantalisingly poised at the audience two, Team Hope two and Team Glory minus one, we enter the final question.

Could the audience sneak a surprise victory? The betting patterns will be examined in detail after this by the anti-corruption unit. Question for Team Hope, for Lucy and Delito. What sold for a record price this week? I did see this story and I absolutely loved it beyond words.

It was a sheep. The most expensive sheep. I can't actually remember how much. It was about a quarter of a million. Well, it wasn't pounds, was it? Because it was sold in guineas. because apparently we still do cattle auctions in guineas which i did not know and i love and i think it could be the secret to seeing brexit through is we just baffle everyone by using a completely different currency so all trade deals

post-brexit are going to be negotiated in doubloons and florins. And pieces of it, all of that. So yes, some sheep sold to a consortium of farmers for a lot of money. But wait, did you say quarter of a million pounds? More than that. For a sheep? Have you seen the sheep?

Honestly, it's got balls the size of coconuts. They're extraordinary. So I assume it's for breeding, right? It's breeding, but what if it's not in the mood? You've paid like a quarter of a million pounds. Yeah, they only want it for its body. It's not a piece of meat. But if it was a piece of meat, how tasty would it be?

Each bite, you'd be like, oh, I had one bite, that's ten grand right there. And it's Dutch, isn't it? It's a Dutch, it's called a Tessel or something, I can't quite remember. It's a total sheep. Yeah, it came out of the Ajax Academy, I think, the sheep. Technically proficient sheep. It's called Double Diamond. It beat the record, previous record, paid for a Texicient sheep. It's called Double Diamond. It beat the previous record paid for a Texel sheep,

which was £230,000 for a sheep called Deverenvale Perfection. I think I'm right in saying that you can get your own expensive sheep name by combining the name of your favourite 16th century global explorer and the last word of your online dating profile so my expensive sheep name is Frobisher Disappointment so that that is all the news this week

just one quick breaking news story before we get to the final scores, the year 2020 has resigned, well we've been on air. The year best known for hosting a global pandemic but no Olympics has struggled to meet the standards of years such as 2012, 1984 and 1968, which did the exact opposite.

It's announced that it will end on Monday 7th September, almost four months ahead of schedule. In an emotional press statement, 2020 admitted it had let everyone down and let itself down, and added it's best if 2021 starts early or a new standalone micro-year is inserted into the calendar to fill the gap. Or they'd just use a leftover bit from another year, like 812 BC, when nothing much happened.

2020 added tearfully that it had been looking forward to Christmas, always the highlight of any year's year, but accepted that, given the form I've been in since pretty much the 1st of January, I'll probably screw that up as well. So we'll be back next week in 2021. Just time to tell you the final scores and Team Hope have sneaked ahead of the

audience with three points to two. Team Glory have finished on a frankly embarrassing minus one. Thank you to our live audience for joining in and contributing. Thank you to our wonderful guests for joining in and contributing. Thank you to our wonderful guests, Helen Lewis, Andrew Maxwell, Lucy Porter and Delisa Ochoaponda. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye.

Taking part in the news quiz were Delisa Ochoaponda, Helen Lewis, Andrew Maxwell and Lucy Porter. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman with additional material by Geoffrey Adu, Simon Alcock, Catherine Brinkworth and Alice Fraser. The producer was Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios production.