Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - Friday 9th October 2020

Episode Date: October 9, 2020

A satirical review of the week's news with Andy Zaltzman and guests Mark Steel, Lloyd Langford, Helen Lewis and Felicity Ward.This week the Government's battle with Microsoft Excel, Donald Trump's battle with Covid-19 and Arsenal FC's battle with a dinosaur.Written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Max Davis, Charlie Dinkin, Alice Fraser, Robin Morgan and Mo Omar.Producer: Richard Morris A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman, winner of the 2020 Nobel Prize for Lying. I have with me a bag of news. Come, let us strap it in a chair, shine a torch in its face and quiz it. Welcome to the News Quiz. That is our live online audience and this is the News Quiz, a proven cure for all known diseases.

You want proof? Me. I'm still here and I've been hosting this show for six weeks now. By comparison, Mozart never listened to the news quiz, dead. Proof, 2020 style. This week, we have two teams for your delectation. We have Team Excel Spreadsheet versus Team... Oh, just count it on your fingers. Firstly, on Team Spreadsheet, we have Felicity Ward and Mark Steele.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on team fingers, Helen Lewis and Lloyd Langford. And here is our first question. It's a question for team spreadsheet for Felicity and Mark. At this week's virtual Tory

party conference, what did Boris Johnson promise would happen within 10 years? Did he promise that we'd all be dead, but thankfully he can't follow through on any of his promises? It's close. Well, I think he's quite lucky, wasn't he? He was quite lucky that he didn't have to actually... They've already gone off him, because the sort of Tory party are already going, well, it seems that this chap has turned out to be rather incompetent

and more interested in stupid stunts and fritting his hair and who could possibly have known that he wouldn't pay attention to detail? And it's because so many people have been, were just tricked by the thinking he's clever because he's posh and chucks in Latin words. And it's just, what we have is a cornucopia of, indeed, of inter alia ripsu factu coitus interruptus. The rules are perfectly simple. The rules are perfectly simple,

and in that maximum number, in a room at any one time is not. So if you find yourself in a room, you must leave immediately, and no more than three people allowed in a longitudinal, so at any time. So before you go outside, you must check to see if anyone is in Morocco.

And if there is, you must be on the toilet. And remember, we will defeat this virus as our grandsons defeated the Germans in ancient Rome. And remember... Can someone please restart Mark?

I'm enjoying this now. In case you did miss Boris Johnson's conference speech, that was basically it. If you were playing Boris Johnson's speech bingo, as I assume you all were, you didn't have to wait long before shouting house. It was all there. The pointless Second World War reference,

the complete lack of detail, the recycling of old spending promises as if they're new ones, and the absolutely meaningless history. We're going to be good at wind power because Francis Drake beat the Armada, apparently. Bingo. That bit was particularly weird, right? So he said some people used to say that

Windpower couldn't take the skin off a rice pudding. And do you want to guess which idiot said that Windpower couldn't take the skin off a rice pudding? It was Boris Johnson, seven years ago. Even more bizarrely than that, do you want to guess who also used that phrase in their speech at last year's Tory party conference? Boris Johnson.

But he said in the speech, he said, people used to say that 20 years ago. But he repeated those claims seven and apparently one year ago. So that's, I guess time is just a concept. He said that he wanted Britain to be the Saudi Arabia of wind power. Saudi Arabia isn't the country I would like to compare myself to. I guess the UK and Saudi Arabia is pretty similar in that citizens of both countries frequently get lashed.

It all happened on Zoom, didn't it? It was just... Because they thought thousands of people were going to tune in. Like, Skyping with my mum is hard enough, let alone thousands of her. Can you just picture it? I mean, I didn't turn up, surprise, surprise. But just people from all over the world tuning in, just going, can you hear me now? What about now? What about now? Am I on mute? Am I on mute? Which button?

Oh, okay. What about now? Can you see me? I can't see you. oh, OK, what about Nat? Can you see me? I can't see you. He also said this country will repel the virus, as it has repelled every alien invader for the last 1,000 years, which I thought was burying the need of it. Can we more about that? You can say what you like about 2020,

but we haven't had many crop circles this year doing a bang up job i wish that uh i'm sure that she didn't but i wanted to go to the conference just to see theresa may zoom bombing the conference just like on, wearing a fur coat and sunglasses, drinking Hennessy from a vase, listening to ABBA. Just yelling out, how's Brexit going, you bloated trust fund Labrador? That's all I want. There were some extraordinary parts of Boris Johnson's speech.

He said it, so after saying that, I remember how some people used to sneer at wind power, they forgot the history of this country was offshore wind that puffed the sails of Drake and Raleigh and Nelson and propelled this country to commercial greatness. Now, please don't think too closely about where some of those wind-propelled ships were going. I slightly undercut your feelings of proud patriotism. wind-propelled ships were going.

Slightly undercut your feelings of proud patriotism. He also said that he looked forward to the day when hairdressers will no longer look as though they are handling radioactive isotopes. Just shave it off, Prime Minister. Just shave it off. He does this all the time, doesn't he? When he was asked last week why our coronavirus rates were higher

than anywhere else in Europe, he said, because Britain is a freedom-loving nation. Like, the coronavirus has gone, you bastards, you invented the steam engine. I'm having you more than any of the others. Teach you, Alexander Graham Bell, your granny's dead. Spoiler alert if you're listening, Mr Bell. He also talks about building a new Jerusalem.

Have you been to the old Jerusalem? Because it's quite lively sometimes. And, you know, has checkpoints in it as well which is not really what I was hoping for for Britain in the next couple of years Well, you say that, but New Jerusalem, a city eternally riven by ancient conflicts, ongoing trauma and immutable resentment, so

New Jerusalem, Brexit Britain, potato potato The online conference encountered problems due to a technical glitch that resulted in Michael Gove The online conference encountered problems due to a technical glitch that resulted in Michael Gove. Meanwhile... LAUGHTER Elsewhere at the Tory party conference, another question for you. This goes to both teams.

What did Chancellor Rishi Sunak vow to use to help people find new jobs? Oh, is this the website where you can answer questions and it will tell you what you're going to retrain as? Because everyone I know has come back saying that they should be a boxer. Yes, well, I mean... Apparently huge boxer shortage. That's the one thing that this country really needs

to set us on the path to greatness. More people who can smack other people in the face. But at last, this is some realism from the government about what skills we're going to need in the future. We're just going to need pugilists. What he actually, what Rishi Chinook actually vowed to use was,

and I quote, the overwhelming might of the British state. As with most political promises, after the overwhelming might will inevitably come, the underwhelming probably won't. Well, at the end of that round it's one point all.

One to Team Excel spreadsheet and one to Team just count it on your fingers. And this question goes to Team Fingers. And we're crossing the Atlantic for this one. Donald Trump described his bout of Covid as what? I think he said

that, well he said a lot of things. First of all he came out and suggested that he was immune. That was as he was leaving the hospital. I don't know if immunity works like that. Like, I'm not

immune to crocodiles just because I haven't been killed by one yet. You don't know that, Lloyd. He did say he thinks it was a blessing from God, I think. Yes, correct. And we should not be afraid of it. Yes. And did you find that inspirational, Lloyd? Well, I think. Yes, correct. And we should not be afraid of it. Yes.

And did you find that inspirational, Lloyd? Well, I was worried at first because I saw the headline, AIDS test positive for coronavirus, and I thought, wow, this is serious. But it was AIDS with an E. My favourite part of the Starga was, you know that people always say as a kind of cliche,

it's like, blah, blah, blah, on steroids. And I thought, wow, what's it like? What does that actually mean? And then I saw Trump's Twitter feed the day after they gave him steroids. Oh, that's what it means. He also ran 9.34 for the 100 metres. I think I just had the 100 metres. I think... I just had the same thought I'm sure everybody had when it was announced that he had the coronavirus,

which was, now's the time to try the bleach. Now! Do it! Try all of the things, all the things he said to cure it. Riding around naked in a pig's trough full of melted curly whirlies. Now! It's been a rich bath of metaphor, though, hasn't it, this week? Because they had the vice presidential debate as well, in which Kamala Harris and Mike Pence, you know, had a sort of normal civilised debate where they disagreed with each other.

And then a fly landed on Mike Pence's head and just sat there while he talked about race relations. And this is the thing. Either Mike Pence can't feel his head, possible, or he just was facing it down, desperate to scratch at it all the time. It was the most incredible metaphor. Like, he must just sit there in the White House all day going, not seeing it, nothing to see here, nothing bad happening.

This is a totally normal presidency. What was also really strange about that was that the fly observed the rules of the debate. It stayed on Pence's head for exactly two minutes and then flinged off. Try other... Like, as he's passed that one, the next one, try it with a leopard.

See if he manages it. Just, no, no, not flinching. According to lip readers, the fly, apparently after these two minutes on Pence's head, said, no way, I'm not eating that. Felicity. Just on Trump, like Trump's 74, and at his age, good on him for surviving, kind of.

He's 74, Biden's 77. I just don't think we're talking about it. That's too old. Like it's too old to be looking forward to being president. You know, like I know that sounds ageist, but that's only because it is. If you're that age, you just want four more years in general, not four more years of presidency. We recorded the show last week just before Trump announced

that he had defeated Covid by cleverly trapping it inside his own body. This week, to cover our backs for the space between recording and broadcast, I'm going to ask you, panellists, to guess what Trump will have done in between us recording and the show going out on the radio. What news is

going to break? I think he's going to try and track down Joe Biden and lick his face. he's going to try and track down Joe Biden and lick his face. I don't know any older rally where he says Joe Biden is Mexican, his real name's Acapulco, and his... Anything, I'm mad. Joe Biden is 87% insect, I've read it.

Yeah, I reckon he's going to do something to prove his massive lung capacity, and I was trying to think what that would be, but something like he's going to run down the stairs while playing the bagpipes. Well, it did slightly undercut his sort of inspirational message when he walked up a flight of stairs and then was visibly wheezing, desperately gasping for breath.

Totally undercut the whole kind of powerful leader shtick that he was going for. He's always trying to push the hero narrative as if he's not like a total draft dodger. Did you watch the video? It's this weird post-hospital video where he arrives in the White House in a helicopter and he gets to the balcony of the White House and he rips off his

mask and gives a salute. And the only thing about Trump that's even remotely related to the military is that his suit was Navy. When they put up the list of all of his associates who have COVID, they showed a guy called Admiral Charles Ray, who's the vice commandant of the US Coast Guard. And he had so many medals on his chest. And I was like, compare the America to the head of the UK Coast Guard. He doesn't have a uniform.

He just has an inflatable boat and a big heart. Yes, so the correct answer is that Donald Trump did describe his bout of Covid as a blessing from God. Excuse me, Andy. Oh, yes. God here. Oh, hello. Can I just clarify?

It was absolutely not a blessing from me. All right, not a blessing from you. I might move in mysterious ways, but not that mysterious. So it was definitely not a blessing from you? I told Trump he could have his blessing when he's actually read my book.

Alright, and no sign of that. Hasn't even skim-read the blurb on the back cover as far as I can tell. When's Miles Jupp coming back? Oh, no. I don't think he is. Oh.

Right. Yeah, sorry about that. Carry on with the show, and make sure the points add up for once yeah I'll do my best really annoys me so there we go that's two points to team just count on your fingers

I'm counting moving on to our next question this goes to both teams and the question is I'm sorry I did have a question here but I ran out of document space what would this question have been about and the question is, I'm sorry, I did have a question here, but I ran out of document space. What would this question have been about?

Spreadsheets, I presume. Correct. On top of all the other glories of the way this government has dealt with everything, this was going to be world-beating. World-beating system track and trace, and they've got 16 000 positive cases went missing because they used the wrong spreadsheet so presumably every other country in the world has lost 17 000 or more and we're still world beating and on top of that they announced the lockdowns for the northern parts of the country that are in lockdown with a leaked report in the times because that's how to get

information across to the widest number of people possible at any one time is leaked in the times yeah because behind a paywall behind a paywall. Behind a paywall. Because that's how people in the North get their information. They all go to the car park outside Booth's department store in Chorley and the checkout girls come out and read the time. Ooh, that looks like there's going to be a lot of news from Thursday. Well, what do you believe? And that's how people get their information.

So that's why we're doing it that way. They were using Excel spreadsheets, weren't they? That was it? Yeah. Well, let's just go easy on them, guys. Like, they're using cutting-edge technology that's barely 30 years old. Like, they probably didn't even have the paperclip helping them out. I think it's the only time you hear the word XL in connection to

how the government have dealt with coronavirus. Matt Hancock is going to ask Jeeves what to do next. Here's a question, an extra question for you, Lloyd. Which area the size of Wales might soon be off-limits for visitors? Oh, I think I know this.

Oh, yeah? Wales. Correct! Yes, correct. Well done. That's another point for Team Figures. Now, we should say, Lloyd, you are from Wales, but you are in Australia. Is this some kind of pre-emptive self-quarantining scheme just to get as far away as possible from all sources of infection?

Well, I'm following the guidelines and I'm staying away from Wales. I've moved into a different hemisphere. That's how much I love Wales. I think what they should do is they should allow people to enter Wales via the Severn Bridge, but turn it into a sort of gauntlet of death. So people can try to get into Wales, but they'll have to deal with, like, flamethrowers and bulldozers and swinging wrecking balls.

It's like, just how badly do you want to visit Pembrokeshire? Helen, have you ever lost the details of 16,000 people's illnesses? Oh, I can't believe you brought that up, Andy. That's so embarrassing. No, but you know what? This happens with astonishing regularity. One of the kind of classic economics papers that they based the whole case for us government austerity on was this paper called reinhardt rogoff in which they said if national debt gets over 90 of gdp then it basically slows growth

one small problem with it they got a load of countries on the list and they hadn't done an average of all of them they'd forgotten to highlight three of them and so it gave them the completely the wrong answer and it made it into a book it made it into people's speeches and it was just basically caused because someone didn't drag and click all the way down and despite that happening very famously several years ago the government went i know i know what we're gonna do our special accounting thing on you know what's never failed before microsoft excel well i in one level i can sympathize because i'm hopeless with this if i like itunes totally defeats me it's just there to humiliate you in front of your kids and you're going oh and but no dad you've got to download it

and convert it to an mp3 and drag the file no not the old computer drag the file. No, not the old computer. Drag the file. And eventually I just find myself thinking, oh, it's probably easier to just form a band and learn the songs. That's why I would not be in charge with the government's coronavirus strategy. Yeah, so this is the story. Earlier this week it was suggested that suboptimal use of Microsoft Excel was the reason that nearly 16,000 coronavirus cases went unreported in England as the government splattered itself in the face with its latest self-inflicted custard pie. I'm no conspiracy theorist, but Excel, a programme made by Microsoft

screwing up data for a pandemic that was created by Bill Gates himself drinking a bat and pangolin smoothie. Wake up, sheeple! Elsewhere in Covidius Albion, airport checks still not quite up and running yet. Oh, sorry, that's the script from the show in April.

Question now, this again goes to both teams. Who this week brought a dinosaur back to life? Oh, that was the Arsenal football team and their mascot, the Gunnosaurus. Correct. Was going to be made redundant and then the midfielder,

I hope I'm not going to mess this up, Masut Ozil? Near enough. Yeah, that's close. Is that close? He offered to pay Gunnarsaurus's salary, which is just a couple of hundred pound a week and 80 kilos of fresh goat meat.

So I thought that was really... Mark, it's desperate times for football's mascots who obviously rely on a crowd being there for their raison d'etre. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, especially at Arsenal, because I think the clubs were sort of experimenting with allowing one fan in at each,

to see if that worked. But the trouble is, at Arsenal, the bloke went home 20 minutes early to beat the traffic. Can I ask a stupid question? Yeah, that's what this show's all about. A more stupid than usual question. What exactly does a football mascot do? Oh.

Well, they turn up early and they sort of run up and down and people cheer it. Does that not make sense? It's a very imperative part of the process i mean how much do you get paid for that because i don't think any of us have done it professionally before helen when you use that um app helen did it come up football mascot it's um it's an eagle at crystal palace so if you come down my way, you get to dress up as an eagle. Yeah, there's a wide range of them.

Like, it doesn't seem fair. Manchester United have Fred the Red, who's a devil. I thought he was a communist. He's like the enemy of Jesus, the personification of evil. Then I still have like a herbivorous dinosaur. That's extinct. Gunnosaurus is not herbivorous, is it? No, I think you're wrong there, Lloyd.

Yeah, it's Gunnosaurus Rex. It's related to the T-Rex, clearly. I've checked his LinkedIn profile. Rex. It's related to the T-Rex, clearly. I've checked his LinkedIn profile. It says, likes football, waving at crowds, and rending the flesh from other sports mascots.

And dislikes Tottenham Hotspur and asteroids. I feel sorry for Paul Gunnosaurus because this is the second time the flu has wiped out dinosaurs. And I imagine it's very hard for a T-Rex to stay hygienic during COVID because his arms are so short he can't even wash his hands properly. There's a very good Twitter handle called Mascot Silence, which I urge you to check out, which is photographs of mascots trying to look solemn during the minute silence of football games.

It's almost impossible to look respectful when you're a giant giraffe and you're bowing your head with the full knowledge you might not be able to bring it back up again. This is indeed the story of the Arsenal club mascot Gunnarsaurus Rex sacked as a cost-saving measure before being rescued by the cost- exacerbating measure Mesut Ozil.

Some have expressed concern that it could be hard for Gunnarsaurus to find a new job at the advanced age of 65 million years. The plight of Gunnasaurus did highlight the growing problem of job losses in the performing arts sector as COVID and the repercussions of our response to it gradually stripped the soul from the nation layer by aching layer. And people are increasingly turning to this government quiz on the government's website, oops.gov.uk that Rishi Sunak has suggested

people wishing to retrain try, and well as we were saying earlier on, a lot of people are being advised to take up boxing the quiz has come up with some rogue answers it suggested Boris Johnson should be a scarecrow, Rishi Sunak himself should be a professional gambler

which is basically the same as his current job and that Dominic Cumming should be accountable. That brings us to the end of this week's news quiz. Team Excel Spreadsheet have ended up with 9 and team I'll just count it on your fingers have ended up with 10.

So a heroic win for Helen and Lloyd. Commiserations to Felicity and Mark. Just before we go, a couple of breaking stories. The government has announced the launch of new COVID-friendly sports, sequestrianism, in which the government confiscates people's horses. It's sequestrionism, in which the government confiscates people's horses. And three-day e-venting, in which people spend three days on online chat forums letting it rip about everything they hate about the world this year. In case you missed it earlier on, just time for the shipping forecast.

Mostly floating again. We will be back next week, by which time the world will hopefully be fine. Thank you very much for listening. Please show appreciation for all our guests this week. You've been listening to Felicity Ward and Mark Steele and Helen Lewis and Lloyd Langford. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Helen Lewis and Lloyd Langford.

I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Helen Lewis, Lloyd Langford, Mark Steele and Felicity Ward. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Max Davis, Charlie Dinkin, Alice Fraser, Robin Morgan and Mo Omar. The producer was Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios production. John Holmes curates twisted topical comedy.

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