Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Newsmakers with Rachel Parris

Episode Date: August 25, 2023

The first of our satirical specials this summer. The Newsmakers is an interview show where host Rachel Parris will deliver her views on the week's news and then talk to the people at the centre of those stories, from journalists to MPs to yacht-attacking orcas - all of whom are fictional, and played by comedians. Presented by Rachel Parris Guests: Rosie Holt Sam Pamphilion Michael Spicer Bilal Zafar Nim Odedra Additional material: Gareth Gwynn & Robin Morgan Recorded and edited by David Thomas Producer: Ed Morrish A Lead Mojo production for BBC Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Tonight, we're talking about Nigel Farage, Elon Musk and killer whales. I'm hoping one day we'll get them all in the same room. This is The Newsmakers. Hello, I'm Rachel Parris and this is The Newsmakers, the show that looks at and talks to the people making the news this week. We do it so you don't have to, because you won't, will you?

Lazy. So who's been making the news this week? Well, tens of thousands of British tourists have. They are stranded on Greek islands such as Rhodes and Corfu due to the wildfire emergencies the country's facing. Finally, something for them to complain about other than the fact that there are too many Greeks in Greece. A lot of the British tourists who were at risk on these islands are now being brought to safety on small boats, given food and drink by the locals. They're being flown out of danger free of charge to the UK, which it really makes you think, doesn't it? It makes you think, actually, we're full. Let's be honest, these wildfires aren't because of climate change. They are the climate change. As a general rule, if the air is on fire, something's gone wrong.

World Cup winner Kylian Mbappe is considering a move to the Saudi Arabian League, where he would be paid €750 million a year. With their human rights record, I really hope he doesn't go and stays at Paris Saint-Germain, a club owned by Qatar Sports Investments, who I haven't looked into, but I just assume that they are absolute salt-of-the-earth good guys. I feel sure about that, probably. Charlotte Owen has made the news this week, becoming the youngest ever life peer to be appointed to the House of Lords.

She's just 30 years old and was made a Baroness by her former boss, Boris Johnson, in his resignation honours list. The public are quite irritated by this news. Having someone wildly underqualified making our laws is frustrating. Frustrating, but I wouldn't say unfamiliar. Oddly, Charlotte, sorry, Baroness Owen of Alderley Edge, has made the news more than Ross Kempsall, who became Baron Kempsall this week at the tender age of 31.

This is probably because of the reflexively misogynistic nature of society, but also because the newspapers really like to print more photos of a nice blonde lady. Incidentally, thank you very much to all the newspapers that made this show Pick of the Week. This week, Nigel Farage has been backed by members of the Conservative Party over the closure of his bank account with Coots and the reporting of the story by the BBC.

CEO of NatWest Dame Alison Rose resigned in the early hours of Wednesday morning and now head of Coots Peter Flavel has also resigned. Farage has called for the rest of the NatWest board to also stand down. He said on Radio 4's Today programme that the first rule of banking is client confidentiality. Is it? I don't think so. First rule of banking is surely, where do you keep your money? Do we have a vault?

Rule number one, must have a vault. Can't be a bank if all you've got is pockets. That's why women can't be banks, interestingly. They don't have any pockets, you know. First rule is confidentiality. Nonsense. I think he's thinking of Fight Club. I'm now joined by Junior Minister for Private Banking, Rosie Holt MP.

and Minister for Private Banking, Rosie Holt MP. Shouldn't this really have been a relatively small personal issue? Well, no, no, I disagree, Rachel. I think it's a very serious issue, a very big issue. We're all about, in the Conservative Party, sticking up for the little guy. No! I won't have that. I don't think we can call Nigel Farage the little guy. No. I won't have that.

I don't think we can call Nigel Farage the little guy. No, he is quite little. I see. Yes, in life, in real life, it's quite surprising. Oh, OK. Yes, quite small features. Part of a big mouth, small everything else. Yes. Good to know.

Even Keir Starmer this week has said that no-one should have their bank account taken away for their political beliefs. That's right. So you're on the same side for once. Well, Keir is a Marxist. I don't think that is true. Yes, we do need to take that into account.

I mean, I have increasingly agreed with many of his policies. Now he's changing them. But he is still a Marxist. Farage has gone off on what he actually now wants the entire board to resign. That seems like a massive overreaction to me. Well, I mean, from the government's point of view, I think it depends on how angry Nigel gets.

Yes, yes. It does seem like that. And, I mean, I think he might get very angry. He might get very angry, yes. He's sort of like one of those little angry dogs you see in parks. Oh, yeah. And, you know, you need to keep hold of that leash, but also let them run around. Is he... Are we saying he's a dog... Is he your dog?

No, no, you don't own him. Are you the dog walker? No, no, Nigel, if you're listening, I am not comparing you to a dog. It's fine, I'll text him afterwards and I'll explain to him I don't think he's a dog. He never replies, but we have fun. It feels like you're saying that Tory policy for the next election is basically give Nigel what he wants. No, no, no, Rachel. I see what you're doing there. No, we're not saying that. We're saying let's give the people what they want and by people i mean conservative voter and by conservative voter i mean the rich ones so you mean nigel farage

yes yes and obviously when you head to the north um we're all a bit scared of the north rachel i'm not scared of the North It is quite scary I'm from the Midlands, I feel comfortable with the North Well that's also the North Are you scared of the Midlands? Yes, all of it Anything above the Watford Gap Andy Burnham with an iron fist

Not all of the North is ruled by Andy Burnham No, all of the North I know my geography But with the North We're going to tackle the wedge issue of... We're not Jeremy Corbyn. OK, but I don't know if that will work, because... Well, it did last time. And the constituents, what they're worried about is stopping the boats.

Particularly in the Yorkshire Moors. I believe what you said earlier about your geography. Thank you. There is going to be a general election next year. Are you hopeful? Yes. What? Yes.

Why? Oh, yes. No, completely. I think we're in really good hands with Rishi Sunak. And Liz was a dream. Liz, no. No, I'm sorry. Even Conservatives do not think Liz did a good job. She wasn't a dream.

Oh, no, no, you misunderstand me. I mean a dream. It didn't happen. Thank you very much for joining us. Rosie Holten, please. Thank you very much. Thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. This week has been the strongest in terms of cinema ticket sales since the Covid pandemic. The combination of Barbie and Oppenheimer opening on the same weekend

has led to the films being termed Barbenheimer. And what a perfect date night for the Paris household, I must say. In keeping with our usual date nights, my husband and I spent three blissful hours watching different things in different rooms in the dark. A real treat. The PR campaign for Barbie in particular has been incredible. We were due to have the head of marketing for Barbie with us, but they pulled out this afternoon when they realised that this wasn't the news agents and that I wasn't Emily Maitlis and that this is only a pilot and it was for radio and unpaid they've mugged me off basically anyway Barbie's not the only summer flick that's on we

have got the PR person in charge of Oppenheimer here, which is fantastic. So please join me in welcoming Jeremy Twiglets. Hello, Jeremy. Thank you so much for joining us. It's a pleasure. I'm delighted to be here to talk about, as you call it, our summer flick. No problem. I'm absolutely delighted to talk about Oppenheimer. It looks like a really fun film. It's not. No. Right, no. Not fun, but important. It's sort of an arthouse film. Well, it's a masterpiece, is what it is.

Yes, yeah. Well, speaking of masterpieces, Barbie has been critically acclaimed. Yeah, but that's wrong. Barbie is a commercial that's got wildly out of hand. I mean, you may as well go and see a movie about the Go Compare Man. Oh, I love him. I'd totally watch a movie about him.

You should think about getting him for your next film. Rachel, move on. How do you feel about the fact that some people are seeing both on the same day? So they're seeing a sort of warm-up with Oppenheimer in the afternoon, and then Barbie is the main evening feature. Well, I wouldn't do that, personally, but then I wouldn't follow up the Imperial War Museum

with Chessington World of Adventures. Can I ask you this? What do you think that modern audiences have to learn from Oppenheimer in terms of how people used to wear their hair? Alright, I thought that was going to be good for a moment. I don't know

about hair. Oh, not at all. No, not at all. I can talk to you about Oppenheimer, I can talk to you about the atomic bomb, I can talk to you about Cillian Murphy if you want. He said I can do that now because he doesn't want to talk to anyone anymore. Yes, I'm sensing that Cillian Murphy does not want to talk to people anymore. No, he doesn't even really want to talk to me. And I was the best man at his wedding.

I wondered what your film might say about the male psyche. This sounds much better, go on. Because questions have been asked about the role of the Oppenheimers in the film, what the Oppenheimers say about our patriarchal society and our expectations of boys compared

to... Can I stop you there? Yeah. Is this a question where you're saying the word Oppenheimer where you would have said the word Ken? It might be, yes. I don't question where you're saying the word Oppenheimer where you would have said the word Ken? It might be, yes. I don't know why you're so angry. I mean, it's good, isn't it, that cinema-goers can choose

whether they want to watch an intelligent exploration about one of the icons of the 20th century or go and see your action film. But it's all its explosions and stuff. I don't know if it's an action film there's action in it i mean there's an explosion on the poster so i think yes there's an explosion it's the biggest explosion ever so it's not all about explosions right because all right in some ways it is about explosions it's not a fun explosion but it it is an action film, right? Because Christopher Nolan makes action films.

Christopher Nolan puts action sequences into intellectual films. There's a good hour or so of intricate plotting that you're not supposed to follow first. I mean, if you do follow it, good for you. You know, it'll probably give you a real sense of satisfaction, like when you get a question right on University Challenge. Has he ever given you any notes on how best to promote his films? Yes, but they're indecipherable.

His main thing is that he says that his IMAX version of Oppenheimer is 11 miles long. Miles long? Yeah, it's literally 11 miles long. Does that make it good? Absolutely. The longer it is, the better it is. Right. It's not always the case, but OK. I'm sort of getting the impression

that you're not a big cinema-goer yourself. No, I only watch Christopher Nolan films. I mean, since Memento. I mean, it's made for some very difficult blind dates. Well, I mean, I've got a couple of tickets to see Barbie if you want to come. Oh, is it long? Yeah, about a couple of hours. No, no, I mean

in miles. Oh, um, I don't know, probably about five? Oh, God, that's so commercial. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, Jeremy Twiglets. Moving on to sports now, the FIFA Women's World Cup is underway in Australia and New Zealand. It's been a fantastic start to the tournament. Brilliant football, record viewing figures and a real feverish excitement in the air, all for women's football.

Or as I call it, football. Joining me tonight is our sports correspondent, Christine Rinaldo. Hello, Christine. Thank you so much for joining us. Well, well, well. Now you want me on Radio 4. Yeah. Oh, definitely, yeah. You know, I liked your jokes at the top of the show.

Oh, yeah. Talking a lot about football. Men's football, yeah. I liked your jokes at the top of the show, talking a lot about football, men's football particularly. Yeah, really exciting stuff. Nice of you to mention women's football. Yeah, we're getting to it, aren't we? Yeah, but you didn't at the top, just mention it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. Oh, I'm scared.

I mean, I'm a big fan. Oh, are you? Yeah. How long have you been a fan? Since the big final. Since the big final? Yeah. You never watched it before that?

Not really. Just the final, so you didn't watch any of the tournament, just the final? No, I sort of heard that it was happening, and then I saw on social media that we were doing well, and then I tuned in about halfway through the final. So you didn't even watch the whole game? no but I saw the good bits um about half of it I mean I support the three lionesses right brilliant so it's in Australia now isn't it does that mean they're going to call it the ashes yes we're in uh Australia and New Zealand at the moment we're in Australia and New Zealand at the moment. We're in Group D, so we've got Haiti, China...

Oh, Group D. Group D, that's not very good. So what did we do wrong for that team? Right, well, Group D is just the group we're assigned to, OK? It's got nothing to do with, like, a ranking or anything like that. Oh, OK, it's not like A-levels where you get a D and you're like, oh, no, I thought I was in... You'd know. Yeah. Not like A-levels where you get a D and you're like, oh, no, I thought I was in... You'd know.

Yeah. So, as I was saying, we've got Haiti, China, Denmark. OK. And how do you think we're going to do against Haiti? Right, so, Haiti was in the past. Oh, it's happened? Yes, we've played. OK.

I'm guessing because, obviously, you watched it, right? I think I caught it, yeah. I think I did catch it. What do you mean you think you caught it? It's not an STI we've played. Okay. I'm guessing because obviously you watched it, right? I think I caught it, yeah. I think I did catch it. What do you mean you think you caught it? It's not an STI. You either watched it... Yeah. Do you know what?

I don't think I did see it, actually. Okay, well, we won. 1-0. Okay. Now, we're recording this before the game against Denmark. So what can we expect from the game? Well, Denmark scored 40 goals and conceded two in qualifying and the question is, can

Annabelle Adams stop Denmark's Pernilla Harder from exerting her influence in midfield? And can she? No, she can't, Rachel. I made her up. Oh, right. I might have known. Pernilla Harder sounds like a totally made-up name. No, she's real. I made up

Annabelle Adams. I may as well have just said Wednesday Adams. You would have believed me. That's not really fair, because Annabelle Adams does sound like a footballer's name, to be fair. Anyone's name sounds like a footballer's name. Well, yours doesn't. I mean, do you even care about women's football?

Yeah, I do. I do very much, yeah. It sounds like you don't. No, I do care, because I feel scared of you. So that's making me care more than I did before the interview. Right. Now feels like a good time to say I don't know that much about women's football. Shocking.

I will admit that. But to be fair to me, it's very new. The Women's League has been around since 1991. Yeah. I mean, how old are you? It's very personal. 39. Yeah. Yeah? I mean, how old are you? It's very personal. 39? 39.

I know you're not a mathematician, but you could have been watching it for a very long time. Oh, all right. Yes, I could have been. Yeah, fine, fine. Yeah, and the fact that you're not actually watching it

is really quite tragic. And, like, I feel like you wouldn't even know anyone in the Women's World Cup, but the men's team, you seem to know a lot about all of them. So, name me a footballer in the Men's World Cup.

The men's? Yeah. Harry Kane. Great name me a footballer in the men's World Cup. The men's? Yeah. Harry Kane. Great touch for a big man. Right, Harry Kane. OK, I'll give you 20 quid if you can name me a women's player. Nikita Paris. Played for England and Manchester United.

Thinks she used to play for Everton and Lyon. How are you doing this? I get tagged in a lot of her tweets. It's easily done. Can I have my £20 now? Here you go. Thank you very much, Christine Rinaldo.

Elon Musk has announced that he's changing the name of Twitter to X. Musk wants to create a super app which would include social media, audio, video, banking, because you know who I'd trust with my financial transactions? The man who caused the worth of Twitter to dive 66%

since he took it over. He's been called a villain by the liberal media, which seems pretty unfair, considering the statements he's released, including this week's soon we shall bid adieu to the Twitter brand, and, all the birds. A normal thing to say from a very normal man.

To try to explain perhaps the motivation and some of these changes, I'm absolutely delighted to say we have with us tech guru, David X. Hello, David. Welcome to the show. Thank you very much for having me. But I wouldn't say I'm a tech guru. I'd say entrepreneur.

Entrepreneur. Entrepreneur. Journalist. But not on the mainstream media. Just on ZEETS. ZEETS. ZEETS. Are they...

Is that... What are ZEETS? Are ZEETS... You don't know. a Z-Eats. Sorry, it's so new. It's what, remember Twitter? Yeah, is it Tweets? Tweets are Z-Eats now.

Oh, Tweets are Z-Eats. Right, right, sorry about that. So Musk has changed the name of Twitter to X. I think everyone thinks it's a little bit bonkers. Do you think that it's a good idea? No, I've never seen anything more brilliant. So what kind of thing is going to happen on X now? It's a whole new thing. Is it?

It's a whole new world. It's a whole new world. You'll be able to upload videos. Audio. I think you could do this before. Okay, well, listen to this. Last night when I logged into X, I watched in its entirety shrek the third

that that is something i didn't know you could do on twitter sorry on x x when you say twitter i don't know what you mean just out of interest like do the makers of shrek the third get paid for that because obviously you could watch it on a streaming service very easily. Well, being part of X is much bigger than any so-called streaming service. I'm a part of X, but I don't think I know what I'm getting out of it. So what do you zete about? Zete.

So I did a tweet, I did a zete, about this. I said, oh, I'm doing a radio pilot. Please do come along if you want to be in the audience. Yeah, no. What are you saying about crypto? What are you saying about the NFT space? I'm hardly talking about NFTs. How many NFTs have you got currently?

None. You're looking at the owner of the Gary Barlow NFT. I didn't know that existed, but I know I want in. It's like, it's him, but it's a hedgehog. I thought I was like, oh, that was like a way in for me. And then you gave me a way right out again. Got any others? Yeah, I got the Gary Barlow.

Got the Robbie. There's a Robbie one as well. Got the Robbie. Got the Ian Beale. It sounds like Elon Musk is is a real inspiration to you. Absolutely. I model everything on him. Just like him, I think I'm always evolving. I'm constantly changing what I do.

You know, I'm like a... Is it an iguana that changes its colour? No, it's a chameleon. I'm like an iguana. Oh, right. So what lessons have you learned personally from Musk? Well, it's look at what he does. I go in every business I've ever had, just like he's done.

I go in, I set it all up, and then I break it down, destroy it completely. Right, right, right. What about Musk's competitors in the social media space like do you rent you know your mastodon blue sky threads do you rate them instagram no instagram instagram listen when you go home after this to your little i don't know bungalow or whatever i live in it i don't live in a bunker, no. Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. Well, I know your type. When you go back to wherever and you get onto your Instagram,

on your Android phone, you go ahead, right, and you watch, in its entirety, Shrek the Third, and then come back to me. I don't think I'll be able to watch Shrek the Third. And then come back to me. I don't think I'll be able to watch Shrek the Third. Well, exactly. With Twitter, I'm sorry, I think that Musk spent how much money on Twitter? Billions. Billions, yeah, yeah, yeah. Billions of pounds.

And then he's just ruined it and then changed it. But when it works, people like you are in big trouble. People like you and in big trouble. People like you and Gary Lineker. Thank you very much. David Eggs. In a cost of living crisis, we all like seeing the ultra-rich brought down a peg or two.

You know the sort of thing. Richard Branson snagging his jumper on a nail or someone accidentally spilling their wine over Richard Branson. So what a treat to hear the real genuine news that orcas have started attacking boats. Not small boats, I should say. They're not so well above them. not small boats I should say they're not Suella Braverman no but instead large boats big boats, super boats of the rich and famous which sounds like a Netflix show I definitely watch

we're absolutely delighted to be joined in the studio now by one of the killer whales involved so please welcome him to the stage. Hello. Thank you so much for joining us. Sorry, I don't want to step on your intro there, Rachel, but we're not particularly comfortable with the term killer whale.

Oh, God, I'm really sorry about that. No, I mean, I haven't just come on here and said, oh, hello, condescending white woman. No, I mean, you have now. No, I have now, yeah. Thank you for that. I'm really sorry about that. What do you prefer that I call you?

I don't know. Maybe you could call me by my name. Oh, God. Sorry. Yes. What's your name? Graham. Graham.

Graham Taylor. No relation. I'm really sorry. I mean, if you feel the need to, like, refer to me individually as an entire species, Orca is where we are with that right now. But, you know, language, like the sea, is fluid. So tell me a bit, first of all,

about what seems to be problems with yachts that are on your turf. Well, again, sorry, I keep pulling you up on stuff, but you are kind of letting yourself down a bit. I think you'll find the term turf is very land-centric. I think you'll find the term turf is very land-centric. Sorry, what's better? Surf? Surf's good, yeah. Surf? Surf, not turf.

Surf. So there's boats on your... Surf. So some of the press, and I love this, some of the press is suggesting that you're attacking the boats of the super-rich because you have socialist ideals and you're trying to just sock it to the man. Yeah. Is that the case? No.

Oh. No, not at all. If I can give you a bit of background on it. Yeah, by all means. All right, so I don't know if you know him, but there's this really ancient guy who makes these movies, like TV programmes or whatever. Peter O'Toole?

No, he's like, And now programmes or whatever. Peter O'Toole? No, he's like, And how the orcas toss the seals. Oh, David Attenborough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so he was making these horrible kind of videos that really were kind of calling us out on our stuff. And we found that we were starting to poll very badly with humans. Our image wasn't good.

So we had a little bit of a think about it like what do we do do we just stop bullying seals yeah is that an option not really because we love bullying it's kind of our thing we're like at the forefront of aquatic torment so we just thought well you hate these rich people. Yeah. These rich people are here. Let's bully them. Two birds, one stone.

Bob's your uncle. All that. Wow. So really this is just about optics for you? Absolutely, yeah. We're very, very image conscious. But sidebar. Yeah.

They did start it because all these boats do cause a lot of injuries to the Orca community. Oh, that is awful. I'm sorry, I didn't know that. I'm really sorry about that. Oh, I'll pass your condolences on to all the other whales. Is that a thing you can do? No, I'm being sarcastic. Oh, right. I didn't know if you had some kind of radar or something.

Wow, that's so offensive. If you have some kind of radar or something. Wow, that's so offensive. So some of these vessels have really, they've hurt your people, your species. Yeah, species is fine. So on some level it's revenge, really. Revenge is a very big word, Rachel.

Yeah, but is it the right word? Yes. Thank you very much for coming in. Graham the Killer Orca. Thank you very much for coming in, Graham the Killer Orca. And that is all that we have time for this week. Those were this week's Newsmakers. I want to thank all of my guests. I want to thank you, the audience here in the studio,

and to you listening at home. I'm off to audition for Barbie 2, the Roth of Ken. Good night. The Newsmakers was presented by me, Rachel Parris, with Rosie Holt, Nimisha Odedra, Sam Pamphilon, Michael Spicer and Bilal Zafar, with additional material by Erica Ayler, Gareth Gwynne and Robin Morgan.

The producer was Ed Morrish and it was a Lead Mojo production for BBC Radio 4. Call Jonathan Pye. I want something better than that. No. What's wrong with call Jonathan Pye? It's really boring. OK, so let's all do a brain fart. Actually, what about that?

Jonathan Pye's brain fart. It's hilarious. Jonathan Pye, off my chest. Off my chest. Chewing the fat, chewing the pie. Chewing the cud. Cud? The title for my new phone-in show is

Jonathan Pye chews his own sick. I'm just spitballing. Let's just spitball. Jonathan Pye spits balls. Should we just stick with Call Jonathan Pye? Yes. Call Jonathan Pye. Listen first on BBC Sounds.