Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 13th November 2020

Episode Date: November 13, 2020

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis give the week's news a shot in the arm in the form of sketches and guest contributions.Sarah Keyworth looks at breakups during lockdown, Darren Harriott sees an FA chairman cross the line; and Beardyman channels 2020...Additional voices from Katie Norris and Josh Berry.Written by the cast, with additional material from Mike Shepherd, Laura Major, Suchandrika Chakrabarti and Simon AlcockProduction Co-Ordinator: Caroline Barlow Engineer and Editor: David ThomasProducer: Adnan AhmedA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. We're back for another series of... But where are you really from? Well, my name is Ishan, my dad's from Pakistan, my mum's from Bangladesh. I'm Nimmo Dedra. My parents are from Africa, my grandparents are from India.

And I'm Sunil Patel and I'm from Bath. So, what's in the podcast? It's where we talk to amazing guests and ask them that tricky question. We find out what they really feel about their roots, their culture, their identity and their heritage. We'll hear from the likes of Ali Official, Sachin Tawan

and Sharon Taliwal. But where are you really from? Listen on BBC Sounds. Thank you for listening to the Friday Night Comedy Podcast. It's The Now Show. Hello, I'm Steve Punt. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Sarah Keyworth, Darren Harriot,

Josh Berry, Katie Norris and Beardy Man. And this is... The Now Show! So it's been a week of big breakthroughs. First, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced that its coronavirus vaccine had achieved initial results of 90% effectiveness. And this set stock markets soaring, pleasing those shrewd business types who'd invested, especially those on the verge of retirement. I knew, folks, all along, before any of the doctors, that a great treatment for the virus was possible. It was so possible. And that is why, way back in March, a long, long time ago, back in March, I put all of my money into the Mestaz bleach.

Before announcing the vaccine, Pfizer's big claim to fame was having developed Viagra. The two drugs are, of course, unrelated, apart from both being mainly reserved for the over-50s. Around a quarter of the population say they won't take the vaccine anyway, due largely to an urban myth about the government injecting a microchip into your arm so they can track you. There are three reasons this is nonsense. As a scientist explains, reason one, any microchip small enough

to be injected will have no source of power and therefore cannot transmit and therefore cannot be used for tracking. Two, if you have a mobile phone they can track you anyway. And three, the government can't get a simple phone app to work properly, so the chances of secretly equipping the entire population with futuristic subcutaneous biotechnology are less than the chances of Dominic Cummings turning on the Christmas lights in Barnard Castle. Ah, poor old Dominic didn't see it coming. And now he's stepping away from government to spend more time with his optician. For those who do want the vaccine, distribution will happen in two stages. Stage one, the government must procure the 40 million doses

it has on order. And then Marcus Rashford has to shame them into actually giving them to people who need them. This is the tricky stage because there are logistical problems with the vaccine, not least the fact that it needs to be stored at minus 70 degrees Celsius. Now a normal freezer is only around minus 18 degrees so what you'll need is one of those huge industrial cold stores that normally contain entire sides of beef and some upside-down gangsters or people knifed in Downing Street. Assuming the vaccine gets here first in line will be care home residents over 80 unless of course you have speedy boarding in which case you can go in front and you're guaranteed an aisle seat for countdown. Beneath the excitement the tests aren't finished and on top of that there will only be a limited

number of doses initially. To encourage take up the current plan is that even these will be hidden under the wrappers of five chocolate bars, the lucky finders of which will get to go on a guided tour of the Pfizer factory and one of them will be chosen to take over as the new boss, before the old boss announces that the competition was unfair and launches a load of lawsuits in order to stay in charge. Talking of which, the timing of the announcement, two days after the result of the American election was called, did indeed prompt the usual whining from the White House. Many, many people say that only drugs announced before Election Day are valid. And believe me, folks, I know all about new drugs.

I've recently been given all of them. Do you know, even Fox News is getting sick of him now. And that's Fox News as in... You're watching Fox News. And if you even know what a mask is, you hate America. Many world leaders gave their opinions on the new drug. Russia reacted to the news that the new vaccine was 90% effective by announcing that their vaccine was 92% effective.

And on top of that, their election-ringing system is almost 100% effective since it doesn't allow the opponent to be declared the winner first. Nicola Sturgeon, meanwhile, agreed that the new vaccine provides... Light at the end of the tunnel. Which is more than can be said for Crossrail, and they started that in 2009. But at least the First Minister kept her metaphor plain and simple. Yes, unlike some.

Now, Boris Johnson, as we know, likes to let his tongue run away with him. Not my words, those of several women who've known him. And he told his press conference on Monday that we could now hear... The distant bugle of the scientific cavalry coming over the brow of the hill. This clearly wasn't quite metaphorically good enough, so Deputy Chief Medical Officer Jonathan Van Tam went a bit more contemporary. It's like getting to the end of the playoff final. It's gone to penalties. The first player goes up and scores a goal. Oh, bold choice of a football

metaphor in politics, because you don't generally find that happening the other way round. So tell me, were you happy with the team's performance today? If I am honest, today they approach the game as if they give evidence to a select committee on social housing. But Football 2 was clearly not quite the figurative ticket, because back came Van Tam with another extended metaphor about trains, which lasted only slightly less time than the HS2 inquiry. No amount of metaphor could hide the fact that the Prime Minister was keen to damp down expectations. It's possible he's finally learned his lesson. He used to say things like this. We have a fantastic oven-ready deal,

like the most mouth-watering, succulent, enormous turkey. This time, though, we were told it was very, very early days and that there is a long way before we have got this thing beat. See, so cautious he didn't even venture to the end of the word beaten. Meanwhile, in America... You're watching Fox News, waterboarding the truth until it tells us what we want to hear. The current occupant of the White House is determined to disrupt the post-election process as much as possible

and as a result, President-elect Joe Biden is currently not receiving any intelligence briefings. Which in turn means he's getting exactly the same amount of information as Trump so I don't really see what the fuss is about. Biden of course won convincingly but Trump is insisting on recounting the numbers to see if anything illegal went on which ironically is exactly what's happening with several of his bank accounts. Trump's endless ramblings have now reached the point where they nearly all come with warnings attached by Twitter.

Warning, this claim about election fraud is disputed. It's incredible to think that public statements from the White House have to be fact checked by a social media company. If all US presidents had had their pronouncements held to the community standards of Twitter, history might have turned out very differently. Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation. I, Abraham Lincoln, remind you today that all men are created equal. Warning, this claim about equality is disputed. People are created equal? Our algorithm suggests. Would you like to buy some theatre tickets? Sounds great. Our own history would probably not have fared much better.

And after the 1945 election... Most incredibly of all, Trump actually tweeted, Since when does the lamestream media call who our next president will be? Er, since the invention of broadcasting, I think. It sounds suspiciously like he's never watched an American election. Although admittedly, it is a weird system. The results are called by TV networks, ahead of official announcements. Although in Trump's defence, we're yet to hear from a number of them. The Disney Channel, for instance, haven't called it one way or the other, and the Food Network too are still sitting on the fence. Babestation

have announced a winner but have an altogether separate poll. It is unprecedented to have two people both claiming to be president of the US is absolutely extraordinary. That kind of thing hasn't happened since the 14th century when there were two popes. Which apart from anything else meant that every papal election produced twice the carbon dioxide. Terrible. Bad things happened even then. Thank you very much. Now looking at the big news from the FA this week and he will be quoting some of the racist language that got FA chairman Greg Clark in such hot water, here's Darren Harriot. If there is one thing we can always rely on, even in this very unpredictable year, it's people getting cancelled for racism.

It's as consistent as your nan asking if you're hungry 20 minutes after she just fed you. minutes after she just fed you. This week's offender is FA chairman Greg Clark, who was forced to quit his job on Tuesday after a series of offensive gaffes to MPs, which left the reputation of his organization seriously damaged. He spoke about black people using the outdated term colored and gay being a lifestyle choice amongst other things. Okay, Greg, looks like someone spends time browsing Reddit forums. The only thing missing from his talk was a decent conspiracy about 9-11. I mean, seriously, this was a bad interview. White guys in their 60s talking about a media team president always ends in failure. Isn't that right, Prince Andrew?

Clark also said different career interests led South Asian people to choose careers in IT over sport. Well, that's very true, isn't it? South Asian people have no interest in sports at all. Places like Afghanistan, India, Pakistan, Bangladesh. I bet they don't even like cricket over there. When Greg was called out on his use of the word coloured by a Labour MP. He immediately used the defence of being a product of working overseas and in the USA for many years. And while he was there, he was required to use the term people of colour. Required? I doubt that was in the contract, Greg. He did apologise and even said sometimes he can trip over his own words. Ha! That's what you want from the FA chairman, a guy who throws out a 70s racial slur and says it was just the trip.

Well, look where you're going next time, Greg. Unfortunately, your path now is unemployment. The pavement is steady, so let's hope you don't trip. I hate the term coloured, and I hate the fact Americans use it to describe black people. Oh, get lost. Americans don't even spell coloured properly. Rappers will say the n-word to each other, but you never hear them call each other

coloured, because even they feel dirty using the word. And when rappers are taking the moral high ground, you know something's up. I grew up in a place called Oldbury in the black country, and I was always called coloured by locals. I used to think it was a term of endearment. There's Darren Ariots, the coloured chap. I felt good about it, mainly because they were calling me chap. I felt like a little black Winston Churchill. As I got older, I realised it's a problematic term. I mean, if someone's calling me coloured to be nice, what do they call me when they ain't being nice? I can think of a few terms. Coloured is not an inclusive term. It never really has been. And guess what? It has deep roots to slavery. I know. Surprise, surprise. The new supposedly

inclusive term for anyone not woke is BAME. BAME, B-A-M-E, stands for Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic. How sexy. I'll be honest, I hate it. It's another terrible acronym, and I'm not alone on my dislike of it. The problem is that it lumps us all in together, when we often have very different experiences. My experience as a black person is not the same as an Asian person, or vice versa. The part of BAME that I really dislike is the end part, minority ethnic. It just sounds like they ran out of ideas. They were like, there's black people, and there's Asian people, and there's others, I guess. Some miscellaneous ones. Instead, they should have just called it BAE, B-A-E, Black Asian, etc. The only person who benefits from this

Greg Clark situation is resident Sky News go-to racism correspondent, Mr. John Barnes. Seriously, anytime there's a celebrity using a racist term, John Barnes gets a bat signal in the shape of an afro comb high into the sky. He's not the hero we deserve, or the one we want. Was a caller not available? Look, I'm not here to kick a man when he's down. I watched the interview in full and I don't see him as a hateful person. I don't. But I understand why he had to resign. It makes a mockery of the whole stamp it out and give racism the boot campaign in football. And you have a guy using the sort of language that would make Ron Atkinson buy you a pint. There is a part of me that does feel sorry for him. Losing your job during a pandemic and it's not because of the pandemic.

That's like being a professional boxer and you don't break your nose during the fight. You break your nose accidentally by walking into your dressing room after the fight. Ouch. Some bad luck, mate. Think about it. Fired after a conference call on Zoom. That's so 2020. Pre-2020, what would happen is someone tweets an offensive joke

and a snitch from your company lets HR know and you are bye-bye. Sorry, Greg, I doubt there's many roles for someone with your skills right now. Plus, the government has told us most people need to retrain in cyber, but you aren't going to do that, are you? Because you know all those jobs are taken by those non-sporty, different-interest South Asians. Darren Harriot there. So amidst the vaccine breakthrough and the Democrat breakthrough in the US, we're still awaiting any kind of breakthrough on Brexit. All the while we've been worrying about Covid and discussing the margins in Arizona, Brexit negotiations have been trundling along

with all the forward momentum of a slinky in a bungalow. Brexit negotiations can't feel dissimilar to being a student at the moment. They're trapped in a room for weeks at a time with a load of reading they should have done but have only skimmed through and the whole experience is costing them an awful lot of money and so far they have nothing to show for it. If you've got younger children you may have seen that Coca-Cola has cancelled its annual Christmas truck tour of the UK because of the pandemic. Which is sad news for kids, but great news for the vaccine task force because it means a whole fleet of large refrigerated lorries has just become available.

COVID jabs are coming, COVID jabs are coming, COVID jabs are coming. Perhaps all these cancellations and restrictions are why people are turning to nostalgic eating for comfort. Premier Foods, the manufacturers of Bisto and Ambrosia creamed rice, have announced this week that sales of comfort foods have surged during the pandemic. Which is heartwarming because that means for every person doing Joe Wicks and telling you about it, there was another stuffing their face with gravy and eating pudding from a tin. I like to think it was Joe himself. Right, we're off air now, Rosie.

Put on that massive Yorkshire pudding and get the lid off that, will ya? This might also be good news for ITV, who are somehow going to have to try and recreate the feel-good factor of the Australian jungle in mid-Wales in November. And this could be the key. OK, it's your first comfort food trial. Are you ready? Go for it! Under these lids are a series of meals.

For every one you eat, you get a star. Let's see your first one. Oh, it's a raw sheep's eye. In a bowl of creamed rice. Get that down, and you can move on to the koala testicles, smothered in bistro. It all seems to be part of a general move to take comfort by eating the foods of the 70s, which having lived through it, wasn't really that comforting a decade. Please God no one tries to cheer us up by proposing a three-day week, rerunning an election, or having a Republican president desperately clinging onto power in the White House.

Oh, hang on. Talking of things which feel like they're from a different era brings us neatly back to Brexit, which is still causing problems. I'll take a few questions. Yes, over there. Prime Minister, can you tell us why we still don't have a deal with a month and a half to go? This is typical of the moaning minis of the media. Can I ask, have you ever negotiated a trade deal? No, I haven't.

Would you like to have a go? All year, Brexit has been quietly bubbling away like legionnaires in a municipal jacuzzi. Crunch meeting follows crunch meeting, make or break talks follow crucial summits, follow deadline after missed deadline. It's not that the government haven't been busy, they have. They've been very efficient in churning out TV commercials reminding us that it's almost here. I'm an actor in a hard hat apparently, and I'm here to tell you that you're running out of time to prepare for Brexit. I'm another actor in a high-vis jacket, here to remind you that Brexit will provide thousands of new opportunities

for self-employed actors to appear in government adverts about Brexit. Like me, I'm an actor holding a clipboard, warning you that time is running out. Time is running out to prepare for Brexit, which isn't surprising, as we still don't know if there's going to be a deal or not. So you still don't know exactly what you'll need to do. So remember, check, change, hang on a couple more weeks. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, the trade talks drag on more than a Bruce Willis movie franchise.

First there was Brexit hard. Then came Brexit hard 2. Brexit hard with a vengeance. Live free or hard Brexit. And now, this holiday season, a good day to finally Brexit. We've now reached the so-called tunnel stage of the talks. That's where we dig ourselves

further and further into a hole and hope the French meet us halfway. It's fair to say the talks have gone on a bit, but if it's a swift conclusion we want, we know who we should send. Your Highnesses, it is a pleasure to meet you. Oh God, no Highnesses. We're just plain Hazza and Megs now.

So the basic idea of getting completely out of Europe. We're definitely cool with that. But all this detail about conditions and obligations. Kind of a drag. So here's what we propose. We're going to go with America and hope they take pity on us. Oh, that is exactly what we thought Britain would do all along. And finally, some better news to cheer us up.

For those worried about the environment, Apple have got involved and have recently helped to fund two of the world's biggest wind turbines off the coast of Denmark. The only problem is that the contract means the Danes will be pushed to replace them with a slightly different model of turbine every 12 months or so. If they really want to help with carbon-free energy though, no company knows more about nuclear power production than Apple. Central control, we've got a problem with the core. Thank you, I opened a box of crackers early this year. Well it makes sense, just in case Christmas is cancelled. Thank you.

just in case Christmas is cancelled. Thank you. Lockdown means you don't see some people, but maybe see far too much of others. Here to talk about it is Sarah Keyworth. Oh, hi everyone. I hope you're doing well and thoroughly enjoying all of the benefits of being trapped indoors with your loved ones. I am talking to you from my childhood bedroom. I'm in my 20s, so naturally it's still a shrine to the emotional disaster I was as a teenager. Right now, just glancing around, I can see a pile of A-level revision guides, a photograph of myself and a girl I no longer speak to, and a small seaside-style bucket that I drank

a sex on the beach out of in Edinburgh 2011. I'm sure you have questions. Did you pass your A levels? Why are you hoarding non-traditional drinks utensils? And crucially, why are you in this creepy time capsule? The reason for my return to staying at my parents' house is a classic, as I have recently been through a breakup. It's a tale as old as time. You leave the familial home, start making your way in the world, you find someone you love. Global pandemic, national lockdown, loss of all livelihood, flee back to mother. If I had a pound. There are real signs of people seeking out advice on separation and divorce. Citizens Advice have reported that divorce guidance searches have been rising since April.

Their data showed searches for advice peaks on Sunday, which seems quite damning, but then again, I've definitely been so hungover on a Sunday that I've resorted to googling something like, there must be more to life than this. They did, however, report that the number of people visiting their site hit its highest peak on the first weekend of September. Given that that is the first weekend after the kids have been at school for five days, it's surely no coincidence. I'm sure we'd see similar peaks if we had the figures for people searching, how do I put my children up for adoption? To be honest, I am full of admiration for anyone who is brave enough to admit that the situation they're in isn't working. Relationships are not easy at all. My mum and dad have been married for over 40 years, and the older I get, the more I realise what a feat that is. I've been watching them. I've been trying to figure out how you stay in a relationship for that long and do you know what? I think I've got it. I think what has to happen is that one of you, the weaker one, gives up. My dad has

completely given up. He's content but he is gone. Like recently I got home. I walked through the door into the kitchen and I found my dad on his own just staring at a lasagna. I popped my head around the door. I said, you're right, dad. And he looked up at me startled and he went, oh yeah, yeah, I'm all right. I'm just, I'm just having a look at my lasagna. And so I went, oh, okay. And he went, come and have a look. And I did. And it was just a lasagna. What's surprising me now is that despite the amount of forced family time we've experienced this year, people are still terrified that Christmas won't be allowed to happen. And I think we need to accept that

Christmas is cancelled. It's over. It's dead. There isn't going to be a stalemate in which Boris Johnson plays football with the virus. We can't do Christmas Day. And I tell you why, because Christmas Day is pretty much, if we're honest, it's our national touch the elderly day. I get that people are stressed out about missing Christmas. It makes total sense, because after the year we've had, everybody is desperate. We're desperate, aren't we, for that one day where you can just stay home, wear your pyjamas, eat nice food and watch TV. It's been so long since any of us got to do that. Obviously Christmas isn't really going to be cancelled. It's just a lot of people won't be able to see

their parents and frankly I envy those people. I think the day will probably be quite similar to how it's always been, with a couple of weird differences, like your turkey might taste a bit like hand sanitiser, you might even get a face mask in your cracker and crucially your uncle won't try and kiss you on the mouth. I also really can't wait for the Queen's speech this year too. She's gonna have to lead by example, right? So it's gonna be on Zoom, and she'll be business up top and pyjamas down below, and she'll forget she's not on mute when she says the whole thing's been Meghan Markle's fault. And it will be socially distanced, of course, and most of

my relatives are as elderly as they are nosy, so my Christmas day will just be me repeatedly yelling, no, nobody cheated on anybody, we just drifted apart. In all seriousness, ending a relationship during this difficult time is really awful, and if it is something that you are going through, please hear me when I say it will be okay. It will get better, and as soon as Pfizer rolls out this vaccine, us brand new singletons will be free to live our emotionally stunted lives in which we will never commit to anything ever again in case someone somewhere decides to eat a bat. And you can catch up with Sarah's Radio 4 series

Are You a Boy or a Girl, on BBC Sounds. Now, this week, Collins Dictionary announced that their word of the year was lockdown, which is OK, but we thought maybe listeners could do better. So we asked on our Twitter account, at BBC Now Show, what is your word or phrase of the year? Well, coronialism, giving Covid contracts to your mates, oven ready, please someone tell them that's not how you store the vaccine.

A lot of people have gone for next slide please. My favourite is hands, face, space. Because it sounds like Buzz Lightyear got confused and said the wrong thing. Zoom. Why? Because my friend just did his speed awareness course on it. Oh the irony. And I particularly like top dressing.

Which is where only the upper part of your body is dressed when you're on a video call. Tier 123, not the government guidelines, Donald Trump's instructions to his barbers. And actually, I think this one must be another Dominic Cummings one. Sneak out to help out. So thank you for those. We had hundreds this week.

Thousands after the recount. And finally, singing a song from their brand new album, Please God Make It Stop, we welcome for the first time on the show, The Phenomenon who came out of nowhere in January and has kept us guessing what they're going to do ever since. Hello, my name is 2020, you all know me.

I think you can all agree we've had a hell of a time. Before I go, there's just one little thing that I want to say to you all. You ain't seen the last of me yet. No, you ain't seen the last of me yet. You think things might be looking up, that you can finally get some sleep. But they're still counting those votes, so you ain't counting no sheep. You think things might be looking up That you can finally get some sleep But they're still counting those votes

You ain't counting no sheep You still feel the sting in my tail Before you feel any peace No, you ain't seen the last of me yet You ain't seen the last of me yet We're just getting yet Just getting started Just getting our toes wet You think Trump's gonna leave

You'll finally get you some peace You think the virus is beat You think the air's safe to breathe Does that sound like me To just throw you a treat Oh, you ain't seen the last of me yet I got myself a raise on debt, ya Gonna leave my mark on this world

Don't be sleeping on me cause I'm out to get ya Got a couple new surprises I'm about to unfurl well you know just how bad things can get there's trade wars and spiraling debt when all the payoffs for the layoffs

ain't enough to go around the Christmas is misters cause Rona got Santa locked down And the icebergs are melting and the elves have all drowned No, you ain't seen the last of me yet Oh mama, and you shed that queasy, uneasy feeling That you ain't on solid ground

Are your cortisol levels at a bearable amount? Well, get your sourdough starter out cause I'm sitting around Oh, you ain't seen the last of me, I'll bet No, no The vaccine ain't being mass-produced yet No, it ain't

I know you're thinking We the people, we discovered our heart. You're feeling optimistic for the first time since March. You think you got it sussed, but I still got a trump card. No, you ain't seen the last of me. Ain't I just destiny? You ain't seen the last of me Yeah That's right, I'm gonna get you.

You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Puntz, Hugh Dennis, Darren Harriot, Sarah Keyworth, Katie Norris and Josh Berry berry the show was written by the cast with additional material from mike sheppard laura major sukantrika chakrabarti and simon alcock the song was written and performed by beardy man the producer was adnan ahmed and it was a bbc studios production bbc sounds as things slowed down for everyone this year I've decided to reach out to Virgil van Dijk amongst loads of other A-list guests

That buzz of going out there and playing for 60,000, 70,000 at Anfield you're going to miss that at one point I talk to them about what gets them up in the morning and how they dealt with the world grinding to a halt I really don't have those days when I think I don't want to because I know I have to Join boxing promoter Eddie Hearn for the No Passion No Point podcast I really don't have those days when I think I don't want to because I know I have to. Join boxing promoter Eddie Hearn for the No Passion, No Point podcast.

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