Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 1st April

Episode Date: April 29, 2022

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Rhys James, Ola Labib, Luke Kempner, Freya Parker and Stephen Kitsch. And this is... The Now Show! Thank you.

Thank you very much. Now, there's been a lot of walking back recently. As we all know, the media is only allowed to use one cliché at a time, and walking back, the first recorded use of which was in 2000, has replaced what used to be called rowing back or backpedalling, but means the same thing, and people have been walking things back all over the place. Will Smith had to walk back his outburst at the Oscars

in which he slapped host Chris Rock on stage. It was the most violent incident at the Oscars since Dame Judi Dench gave Kevin Costner a dead arm when he asked her to sign his Cats DVD. And it certainly showed that Hollywood people are only human. You would have thought he could have flown 20 yards across the room in a flying dropkick, but no, he slapped him like he was challenging him to a duel.

Now, not that many people, of course, remember how duels work anymore. Mr Smith, my name is Rhys Mogg. I have been planning to bring this tradition back as part of our post-Brexit reforms, and I beg the honour to act as your second. The incident was all anyone talked about and overshadowed Will Smith's first Best Actor award. I bet he wishes he had some sort of device

that could zap people's memories and make them forget that it ever happened. Depressingly, viewing figures went up by 500,000 after the incident, perhaps because he'd single-handedly undermined everything that the Oscars stand for. I'd like to thank my agent and the studio and God, and I'd like to say, be who you are, whatever your gender identity, and that prejudice has no place in our society.

And also, if someone annoys you, hit them in the face. Thank you. It was as if Will Smith didn't get the memo. The deal is, the organisers of these awards flatter celebrities into attending and then once they're there, they have them insulted for entertainment and the celebrities are supposed to grin and bear it. And that'll have to change now for the safety of comedians everywhere. they have them insulted for entertainment and the celebrities are supposed to grin and bear it. And that'll have to change now for the safety of comedians everywhere.

If Ricky Gervais ever hosts the Golden Globes again, he's going to have to do it from inside a shark cage. Oh, OK, hello. So, I can see Will Smith down there, yeah. I'd better be careful because he can be a bit excitable, and so would you if you'd finally made a decent film again after 20 years. Oh, hang on, here he comes. Oh, he's got a knuckle duster out.

See? I'm in a cage, yeah? It's good, isn't it? It's the same one Jimmy Carr uses, isn't it? After the incident, there was a shocked silence for a moment. It was the silence of thousands of journalists realising that they suddenly had a story that wasn't about war, Covid or economic collapse. And for 48 hours, they went completely over the top. Our main story, that slapping incident at the Oscars. Peace negotiations between Chris Rock and Will Smith

are to have made no progress. You're watching Good Morning Britain. Welcome back to our extended Oscars slapping incident special, Will It Affect Your Gas Bill? In the end though, it all got walked back. Rock didn't press charges and Smith apologised, explaining his

actions by saying that love makes you do the craziest things. Otherwise known as the Matt Hancock defence. But not anywhere near a reasonable excuse. No, he wasn't arrested for assault, which is odd, because it's easy to arrest Hollywood actors. They're the only people in the world whose fingerprints can be matched to a public pavement.

All in all, if I was Chris Rock, I'd be relieved that it happened this year. There are many previous Oscar ceremonies at which things could have been worse. Joe Pesci is here. Looking forward to G.I. Jane 2, Joe. Secret because of your wife's hair. It's funny.

Funny how? What's funny about it? Let me understand this. Maybe it's me. Her hair is funny how? Like a clown? My wife's hair amuses you? On the other side of the US, the White House has also been forced to walk back comments made by Joe Biden that seemed to suggest he wanted regime change in Russia. In a speech in Warsaw, Biden said of President Putin... For God's sake, this man cannot remain in power. Mind you, that was what half the Tory party said about Boris Johnson a few months ago, and look what's happened there. Biden said it at the end of a long press conference and after a list of various atrocities committed in Ukraine,

but it was a gift to his opponents and indeed to his predecessor, who weighed in to criticise. I thought it was irresponsible. Frankly, a president had a duty to be careful with what they say and not stray beyond agreed national policy, such as drinking bleach and threatening to nuke North Korea. I got a hole in one, by the way. He also criticised Biden for apparently encouraging a coup in a foreign country.

This is a bad thing for a president to do. He should follow my example and encourage a coup in his own country. Did I mention I got a hole in one? At home, with Partygate back on the agenda, this was also a week for Conservative MPs to walk back their comments about not wanting Boris to be Prime Minister anymore,

even if he's broken the law, which we won't know for a while because we don't know if he's going to be fined for Partygate or not. No, the fixed penalty fines are likely to be £100, although many Downing Street staff clearly thought they'd be much cheaper as they were partying like it was 1999. But the fines are as good as meaningless. One, because they're a tiny proportion of what these people earn.

And two, because any MP involved will charge them to expenses anyway. But we may never know if the Prime Minister is one of them, or only find out by accident when we discover which member of the House of Lords has paid his fine for him. Now what we do know is that the Met sent out 100 questionnaires in the Partygate investigation, so if you're not satisfied with the fines, take solace in the fact that it should eventually make for a cracking special for Alexander Armstrong. We gave 100 people 100 seconds to remember

if they were at a party or not. And after all that, we can see that the Sue Gray report was pointless. Thank you very much. And now, a stand-up comedian who's here to talk about education. And who better to talk about education than someone who looks like he's still at school. It's Rhys James. Thank you very much.

This week, the government announced some new plans for schools. They want to improve English and maths results because Tories know that the main thing their voters want is a higher standard of countdown contestant. And the genuine plan they've come up with is that if a pupil is falling behind in maths and English, the teachers have to help them. How do they do it?

How do they come up with this stuff? It's genius, isn't it? Teachers teaching? Why didn't we think of this sooner? I mean, just go literal. This is what the government love doing. Just do exactly what it says in the job title, which is why they're a Tory party

who spent the last two years having, you know, Tory parties. They do this every few years at schools, don't they? They announce they want to improve results. And listen, on a personal level, you do not need good exam results. No one checks. I've not once used my results in adult life. Not once have I used them for anything. They're not too bad, my results. So why can't I just sell them? That's what I want to do. I'm not using them. I just want to be able to sell my exam results. Rich, posh people get old

and buy peerages. Why can't lazy teenagers, can't be bothered, buy my A-level results? It's better than buying drugs, isn't it? It's not even that different. Drugs are already separated into classes and graded A, B, and C. You just have people going, there's an ex-pupil around the back of the bike shed selling Class A's. Oh my God, Class A's, what's he got? Cocaine? Pills? No, geography and French oral. Another study this week also found that teenagers who spend more time on social media are unhappier later in life. Now, people do say social media is toxic. It gets quite a bad rap, doesn't it? But there are good things about social media. You know, there's loads of positive. I actually first met my girlfriend on social media and we're really happy. We've been together for a while. She's gorgeous. She's

absolutely stunning. One weird flaw with her is she's got all the references of like a 60-year-old man. Still, though, can't wait to meet her in person. Should be a good one. i i do understand it's really addictive all this stuff all this technology stuff you know i'm 30 years old and i realized recently right that my process of getting to sleep at the moment is that i'll be watching tv right and then i'll turn off the tv and then i'll look at my laptop for a bit and then i'll close my laptop and then i'll look at my phone and then i'll put down my phone and only then will i even attempt to try and go to sleep. The only way I can get to sleep in 2022 is to look at progressively smaller screens until no more screens are in existence. I've got the Tamagotchi back up the cupboard. It takes ages. So I deleted, I tried to, you know, fix my life, you know, get off my phone so much. So I deleted

social media off my phone. That was my plan. It was my New Year's resolution. I thought, get rid of all the apps, got rid of Facebook and Instagram and Twitter. Got rid of all of them off my phone. And when you do that, when you delete social media, you think you have become free. You think you are now liberated into some sort of Buddhist monk. But all that actually happens is you are more bored on the toilet. That's the only result. There's nothing to do. There's nothing for me to look at. It's so dull. Do you know how boring it is to take a dump while browsing your own Ring doorbell history? It's insane.

They're going to teach it, man, they are. They're going to teach it in schools to our kids. I say our kids, my kids, your Radio 4 crowd, your kids are long retired. They're going to teach Facebook to my kids, they are, and my son will come running home from school one day and he'll be like, Father, because I'm a priest at this point. He'll be like, Father, what a day we had at school today, Father. We learned all about the Facebook story. Oh, what a story it is. What a scoop. Oh, it's incredible.

Yeah, I don't know if you know my future son, but he's a paperboy from the 1930s, it turns out. He'll be like, pray tell, what was it you were around when Facebook was there? What was Facebook like when you were but a boy, when you were a young lad? And I'll be there like, Facebook, I was it you were around when Facebook was there? What was Facebook like when you were Butterboy, when you were a young lad? And I'll be there like, Facebook? I haven't heard that name in 50 years. I'll tell you, Facebook was like a CCTV camera we carried around in our own pockets, masquerading as a notice board on which our aunts posted the results of an IQ test they didn't even do well at. But we didn't get nothing in return. There was a social contract with Facebook, and it was this.

We would give information about ourselves to a near monopoly stuff we wouldn't even tell our parents where we're going who we're with what we like what we buy what we search every day and in return a boy i played ultimate frisbee with in freshers week and then didn't speak to for nine years would wish me a happy birthday that was the whole thing we felt for that for a long time they will teach it in schools. They will. Secondary school, that is, because secondary school does eventually adapt with the times, doesn't it? It keeps up to date. Not primary school, no way. Primary school curriculum in this country has been the same for a thousand years. It'll be the same for a thousand more. It never changes.

Primary school in this country is about two things, tadpoles and crests. That is it. That is all primary school is. That's all it's ever going to be eight years of non-stop tadpole crest propaganda that's the whole thing you spend the first four years popping out to the pond going oh that's going to be a frog in a bit spend the next four years emptying out old yogurt pots putting soil in the bottom trying to figure out the best environment for crest-based growth like little scientists spending one of those years being like, hmm, is it in the dark? Teachers like, obviously not. What's wrong with you? Have another go. You come in next term, you're like, I've got it. Is it with no water? Tell you what, forget the crest. Why don't you

go outside and measure the playground with this trundle wheel? You've graduated. That's primary school. Listen, we've got to give these kids a break, okay? Kids today, they've got it so hard, you know? And if you want to shake things up with the education system, we've got to give these kids a break, OK? Kids today, they've got it so hard, you know? And if you want to shake things up with the education system, you've got to update it properly. Stop asking all these boring exam questions about stuff that doesn't matter anymore, about old geeks like Shakespeare and Pythagoras, you know? Let's get some modern exam questions.

You know, lucky for the government, I haven't got much on at the moment, so I've written them for them. We'll kick off with the subjects they're worried about. First up, maths. If Grandma has £ million pounds in the bank and I'm her only grandchild, why won't she die?

English. Explain how mouse becomes mice but house becomes rubbish from series six onwards. History. Discuss the idea that Hitler might not have been so grumpy if people hadn't left him hanging for high fives all the time. And finally, politics. Discuss the idea that a vote for the Green Party

is, ironically, a waste of paper. Thank you very much. Please change there. So, last weekend, Formula One held its latest Grand Prix in Saudi Arabia. Some of the drivers weren't entirely happy. Look, Lewis, I know you object to the Saudi human rights record, but the Grand Prix has to be held here. Why?

It is the only place we can afford the petrol. Now, arguably, holding Grand Prix in Saudi Arabia at all is an example of what we call sports washing, the practice where a company or a country or an individual can improve their public reputation through ownership, sponsorship or hosting of a major sporting event. But does it really work? Can any villain be rehabilitated by a little bit of sporting magic?

really work. Can any villain be rehabilitated by a little bit of sporting magic? Luke, join me. With our combined strength, we can end this conflict and bring order to the galaxy. Also, I've just bought Everton. Football fans in Britain are used to coming last, with matches shifted at the last minute for broadcasters or played in London even when they're between two northern teams and there are no trains that day. So sports washers know that the emotional bond to a team will always mean fierce and blind loyalty

to whatever's put in front of them. Gas prompt till I die. I'm gas prompt till I die. I'm gas prompt till I die. I know I am, I'm sure I am. I'm gas prompt till I die. A good example is that Saudi Money recently purchased Newcastle United. Some people thought Mike Ashley sold it too cheaply.

But let me tell you, there is no way that the chairman of Sports Direct is some sort of huge mug. The purchase, though, has forced sporting conversation into areas it doesn't normally go. I think many people make the mistake of characterising the Saudis as a theocratic regime when they are in fact a monarchy with a hybrid structure neither wholly secular

nor wholly religious plus the defense is still a bit dodgy eventually of course the players will have to confront the deep waters they're now swimming in too england have ruled out any boycott of the world cup in qatar whose bid was dogged by controversy and where six and a half thousand migrant workers have died since the awarding of the tournament. Well, that's right, but, you know, for me, it's about turning up on the day and playing the team in front of you. But in the end, you have to say that some things are bigger than football. Fortunately, human rights isn't one of them. There is a limit, though, as the action against Russia by FIFA and UEFA shows,

but generally the tide is going the other way. Yes, in tennis, even Emma Raducanu is already being criticised for spending too much time on her sponsorship deals and too little on tennis, something she denies, although she has agreed to remove the gold Rolexes from both wrists during matches, because, of course, with stardom comes sponsorship, whether appropriate or not.

Hi, I'm Andy Murray, and my latest injury is proudly sponsored by Foxy Bingo. We all know I love letting my hair down on a night out and generally just having a happy and positive time. And there's no better night out than this, so have a knees up before your knees wear out like mine have. So have a knees up before your knees wear out like mine have. Of course, sport gains even more commercial power when politicians become interested in it.

In the US, the ex-president loves to play golf, preferably alongside professionals who will make flattering comments. Gee, Mr President, that is a great shot. Tell me, what's your handicap? I guess it would have to be blondes who aren't afraid of litigation. Let me tell you about my hole-in-one. As a result of the war in Ukraine, though, sports washing has become an even bigger issue

because the Russians were great at it. In 2014, they did it when the Winter Olympics in Sochi, a subtropical resort on the Black Sea, became the most expensive games ever held, partially because they had to make their own snow. Mind you, pretty soon nowhere will have snow, which, after Putin's attempt to scupper Britain and Ireland's bid for the World Cup, gives us another bidding opportunity.

Yes, I am delighted to announce that this afternoon we have submitted a bid for Britain to host the 2030 Winter Olympics in our unique facility, the Snowdome in Hemel Hempstead. Yes. Let the world come to Junction 8 off the M1. Blah! Huzzah! Russia's attempt at sports washing was pretty successful too. The glow of the Olympic success in 2014 softening the Russian invasion of Crimea, which came immediately after it. A lot of people at the moment look at women's sport

for more of that old-fashioned sportingness. It won't last. The women's classico in Spain this week drew a record crowd of 91,000. But some feel at the moment the lack of big money means that it's like old-school men's sport from back in the day. But there is a bit of a difference. Amazing scorecard. You took five wickets off 56

balls. Walk us through your pre-match preparation. Well, I got pretty hammered last night, so I thought it best to have another pint at breakfast instead of the arm, as it were. I was pretty nervous. Probably why I chain-smoked through breakfast, which was obviously the usual full English.

Well, it certainly did the trick. There are two more days to the test. Will you get a chance to celebrate tonight? Oh, yeah. I mean, you've got to relax and unwind. Me and the girls will probably hit the clubs, pick up some guys and either take the party back to the hotel or pull an all-nighter back here in the dressing room. Hey!

Donna's chucked the telly out the hotel room window again! Now, would you please welcome a stand-up making her debut on The Now Show, it's Ola Labib. Growing up in Portsmouth as a Sudanese Muslim from a working-class family I always wanted to be rich and famous so for inspiration I'd watch the annual event full of prestigious rich people giving speeches and applauding each other. An event the public accused of commercialism,

selective bias and lack of diversity. But enough about the annual Conservative Party conference. Did anyone watch the Oscars this week? Will Smith's performance got all the attention and it wasn't for his acting skills either. The audience was outraged and expressed that this kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable, particularly with so many young, impressionable people watching. But thankfully,

Leonardo DiCaprio covered his girlfriend's eyes when it happened. The celebrities in the room looked as shocked as the Botox allowed them to be. People were condemning the slap, saying that Chris Rock specifically made fun of Jada Pinkett Smith's alopecia and that Will Smith was heroically protecting his wife. But it does make me wonder, if we are now condoning slaps, then we should ask Kurt Zuma what that cat said about his wife. I was sent that video of Zuma kicking the cat when I was with my dad. He's a traditional Sudanese man and when I showed it to him I said, Baba, have you seen this video? People are saying it's terrible. He watched it until the end, looks at me over his glasses and says, which part is the

terrible part? Hollywood and the Oscars have released statements of we don't condone violence and assault is never the answer, which is ironic coming from an industry that makes most of its money from violent content, Avatar being the highest earning. For those who haven't seen Avatar, it's about white colonisers invading blue-skinned native people's land for their natural resources

and a white saviour dressed and painted the same colour as the native saves the day with even more violence. So basically, the Smurf version of a white man's burden. How hypocritical that Hollywood makes movies about white people saving and protecting natives but in 1973, they couldn't save sashin little feather a native american woman from being mocked for making a speech about indigenous

people's rights in hollywood so sashin was booed for her courageous performance on stage and will smith got an oscar a standing evasion and an after party what. What has that taught me? An Oscar slapping gets the people clapping, but educational talky makes the people want to walky. People are also saying the whole thing was staged, which makes sense because there's been a steep decline in the views of the Oscars in the last ten years, 2021 being the smallest audience the award show has ever received. The views had gotten so low that 2023 Oscars was going to be held on Love Island

and the awards given out around the fire pit. Tweets saying, I need a man that will protect me the way Will protected Jada and we should always be protected as black women. As a black woman, I agree. But I think we can confidently say that Jada could have handled the situation herself. Have you not seen her in Matrix Revolutions? If that was my husband, I'd sit him down before he made it to the stage and tell him the only thing he needs to protect me against is the passive-aggressive comments from my mother-in-law.

Overall, this event has confirmed my dream to be rich and famous because I've learnt that with wealth, fame and popularity, I can punch someone in the face and the consequences would be getting an award, a standing evasion and a great after-party. Thank you so much. That was Owen Obeid. So you may have seen this week that tennis player Boris Becker was accused in court of hiding tennis trophies from bankruptcy proceedings.

So we've asked the audience, have you ever hidden anything? And why and from who? I once took the fuse out of an expensive dual-lit toaster and claimed to my now ex-wife that it was broken. I hid the toaster and got a cheap £9.99 replacement. After the divorce, I changed the fuse and Bob's your uncle. I've hidden several things from thieves around the house and I assume it's been working very well

since I can't find them myself now. I hid cigarettes from my grandfather when I was a kid to stop him smoking. I placed them under the cushion of his chair, and when he sat down, he squashed the packet. I discovered that cigarettes kept him calm. So, thank you very much for sharing those with us. Interesting insight into various people's lives there.

And that is almost it for this week. Yeah, but first, a musical duo with a song to celebrate April Fool's Day. I'm saying this after midday, so no, I'm serious. It's Stiff and Kitsch. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE There's a day that comes just once in a year Where we can speak our minds

Test the water without fear Like saying to your partner Do you fancy trying swinging? And when he says, what? You say, April Fool's just kidding I was just kidding, I haven't researched it You can finally tell your boss what you really think. Sometimes I just delete emails when I don't know how to respond to them.

Excuse me? April Fool's just kidding. I don't do that. Please don't sack me. You can finally tell your doctor how much alcohol you drink. 15 units. What, a week? It's more like a day. That would kill you.

April Fool's just kidding. It's more like a day. That would kill you. April Fool's, just kidding. It's actually more like 20. You can tell that guy at work that he's the reason you move country and shout out, do you love me? And when he answers rather bluntly that he'd rather just be friends, you say, that's absolutely fine

because this is an April Fool's joke, so... Got ya. Honestly, guys, it's a really cool trick People have been doing it much longer Than you think Like when they said there were enough Lifeboats on Titanic Or in April 2020

When they told us not to panic It's a really good joke It was an April Fool's Just kidding I hope it was a joke Otherwise it was gross negligence Cause it's gotta be a joke that Boris is still in power Whilst he was having parties, we were let out for one hour

This government's inability to follow a single rule Is proof that we are victims to a three-year April Fool Oh my God We're all waiting for the boomers to jump out, say, April Prank, for destroying Mother Nature and for crushing all the banks. Gen Z are playing April fools, their fashion is obscene, so it has to be a joke that they don't like skinny jeans, cos they're really fashionable.

As for millennials, no jokes, we're simply winning. No student debt, just second homes. Just kidding. So today, this're simply winning. No student debt, just second homes. Just kidding. So today, this is your chance. Don't forget to take it. Like us, we're doing the Now Show. Completely, fully naked.

April Fool! You've been listening to the Now Show, starring Steve Puntz, Hugh Dennis, Rhys James, Ola Labib, Luke Kempner and Freya Parker. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Jenny Laville, Mike Sheppard, Alex Garrick-Wright and Cameron Loxdale. The song was written and performed by Rhiannon Needs

and Sally O'Leary, a.k.a. Stiff and Kitch. The producer was Rajiv Kharia and it was a BBC Studios production.