Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 4th December 2020

Episode Date: December 4, 2020

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis get to grips (from a safe distance) with all things 2020 in the form of sketches and guest contributions.This week Zoe Lyons is in the woods, Ivo Graham is at your leisure a...nd Huge Davies is rooted to the sofa.Additional voices provided by Luke Kempner and Emma SidiWritten by the cast, with additional material from Gareth Gwynn, Josh Weller, Tania Edwards and Charlie DinkinProduction Co-Ordinator: Caroline Barlow Engineer and Editor: David ThomasProducer: Adnan AhmedA BBC Studios Production

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Starting point is 00:00:00 This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Thank you for listening to the Friday Night Comedy Podcast. It's The Now Show. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Ivo Graham, Zoe Lyons, Huge Davis, Emma Siddy and Luke Kempner.
Starting point is 00:00:31 And this is... The Now Show! Welcome to the final show of the current series. Normally we'd all go for a meal afterwards, but this time we've just sent everyone a scotch egg to eat on Zoom. And it's not every week that there are earnest discussions about scotch eggs. I don't remember ever having a discussion about them, except once with a lawyer after a food poisoning incident.
Starting point is 00:00:57 But this week, the Ovoid snack was a centrepiece of heated discussion on what constitutes a substantial meal with which alcohol can be served, as the rules on England's new tier system were passed by Parliament on Tuesday evening. Labour abstained, not so much because of the motion, but because there were more than six of them and they didn't know if the House of Commons counted as work. Covid restrictions might or might not be worth the short or long-term damage to the economy, we're not entirely sure.
Starting point is 00:01:25 The motion passed and the country is now in three tiers, one, two and three, although tier one, with the fewest rules, is just Cornwall, the Sillies and the Isle of Wight, and tier zero, where there are no rules at all, is just a room with Dominic Cummings at one end and Rita Ora at the other. But even after the tier system became law, the rules governing food and alcohol proved very hard to pin down. Housing Minister Robert Jenrick said that a Cornish pasty might count as a substantial meal if it was served with chips or a salad. Although, ironically, one of the only places you don't need to order a Cornish pasty to get a drink is Cornwall.
Starting point is 00:01:58 Would you like a pasty with that pine? Oh, no, thanks, my dear. They remind me of a limbless tortoise full of carrot and mince. You're right, though, I should have something with my pint. I'll have another 12 points, please. Pub owners are keen to help customers get a substantial meal under their belt. The King's Head in Essex has launched a range of meals called the Boris Menu. Yes, for £1.99 you get a meal, plus the landlord will answer your mobile phone for you
Starting point is 00:02:24 and explain to your partner that your meeting is overrunning again. It's all part of a plan in the run-up to Christmas to give the economy a boost in the safest way possible. Some shops are going to be allowed to open 24 hours a day. Now, it isn't clear quite what the science is behind this, and in high-infection areas the phrase shop till you drop has been discreetly removed from the advertising. The first place to say they'll take advantage of 24-hour opening is Primark which is causing problems for their staff. The prices mean that many of them are not used to numbers as high as 24. Of course for all the measures in place things are still far from normal. Yeah Father Christmas
Starting point is 00:03:01 shopping centre bookings are down to only 10% of what he would normally expect, which is going to cause havoc on Christmas Day because children won't have been able to tell him what they want. Right, no one has given me their list this year so there's nothing else for it. Scotch eggs all round. Aww.
Starting point is 00:03:20 I'll be over here tucking into several million free mince pies. You can, of course, talk to Santa on Zoom if you're willing to risk the possibility that the magic of the North Pole Toy Factory might be lessened when Father Christmas is interrupted by the doorbell. Wait right there, young fella. I've just got to retrieve my yodel parcel from next door's hedge. MPs who voted against the tier system were concerned that the areas were too large
Starting point is 00:03:47 and that small villages were suffering because of large nearby towns. But if villagers are worried about city types being unwanted visitors to their pubs, they don't need an app or a travel restriction. They can just use the old ways. You're not from round these parts, are you? says the IT professional who moved to the village 12 months ago With the tiers in place, next week should see the start of vaccinations with 800,000 doses on the way
Starting point is 00:04:16 Now this is the best news I've heard all week if you don't count Fulham getting three points My sleeve is already rolled up a bit pointless as I'm not an NHS worker or in a care home, but I will be ready when they get to me. Yes, the imminent inoculations went down very well with many people. Mr Speaker, we are the first country to licence this vaccine. We begin our programme next week, protecting the vulnerable and our care workers, and this will happen as soon as the vaccine arrives. There were many congratulations to Pfizer and Belgium
Starting point is 00:04:59 for the speed at which the doses were produced. I did wonder what the secret of their success was, but a reporter on the BBC's Lunchtime News cleared that up for me. This place is most famous in Belgium because of the beer they make. I can tell you, it's very strong stuff. Hang on.
Starting point is 00:05:14 Are they suggesting that this has some bearing on vaccine production? Surely not. Bonjour. This is very nice beer. Very, very tasty. And the best thing is, Bonjour. This is very nice beer. Very, very tasty. And the best thing is, you can serve it with a syringe.
Starting point is 00:05:35 Uh, monsieur, I'm afraid you have to get back to the Brexit negotiations. It really is confusing. I mean, why is everything at the moment to do with where you can get beer from? It's simple. You get the vaccine from the same place they make the beer. Then why do I need a Scotch egg? You need the Scotch egg so you can buy the beer. I don't want a beer. I want the vaccine. You get them from the same place.
Starting point is 00:05:55 Yeah, the pub. No, Belgium. Do they have Scotch eggs in Belgium? The main thing now is for people to take the vaccine, and the NHS have said that they want to recruit trustworthy celebrities to encourage this Now, who these will be, we're not yet quite sure Hello, it's Benedict Cumberbatch here I would like to entreat you to inoculate yourself against the coronavirus I would also like to point out that this is the best role I've been able to film in the last nine months
Starting point is 00:06:22 Hi, it's Rita Ora here I just want to encourage everybody to get vaccinated because if everybody gets vaccinated, it won't cost me ten grand every time I have a party. And because it's nearly Christmas... Hello, old biggins here. Just a quick word from me to say three cheers for those clever boffins behind the vaccine.
Starting point is 00:06:42 Now, do what's right, Get your shot and that way you'll be able to take your grandkids to see me in panto. Altogether, where do they stick the syringe? Behind you. No, Christopher, they actually stick it in your arm. Not in British comedy they don't. Where's your patriotism? Finally, if they want trusted celebrities to help persuade us to get vaccinated, they need to make sure that they get the most trusted of all. Today, in this film, I want to encourage everyone to get vaccinated. It's nothing to be afraid of. I've travelled to so many different countries, I've had hundreds of vaccinations.
Starting point is 00:07:19 Last year, I was honoured to win the NME Lifetime Award for most needles stuck in an arm, narrowly beating Keith Richards. So, tears in place and vaccine at the ready, we can perhaps begin to look forward to Christmas. But even here, there's advice from Sage, including this. Put granny at the end of the table that's nearest a window. Really? You see, this makes me wonder if they've ever met a granny in their life.
Starting point is 00:07:43 In my experience, if you want festive atmosphere, you really don't want to be putting an elderly person near a window. Everyone got their plate and a paper hat? Oh, there's a terrible draft. Yeah, it's to keep you safe, Granny. It's like Siberia in here. No, honestly, it's for your own good. But the window's open. What are you lot trying to do to me?
Starting point is 00:08:02 We're trying to help you, Gran. I'll catch pneumonia. No, no, you won't. That's the whole point. All right, all right. I've calmed down now. Right, here it is. Dinner, everyone. Oh, no. I hate scotch eggs. Now, for most of us, getting in touch with nature over the last few months has meant slowly killing our houseplants.
Starting point is 00:08:26 But here's Zoe Lyons to remind us of the joys of the great outdoors. At a time when we've been told to stay in, I have enjoyed every second I have been able to get out. This year, when many have had their lives turned upside down, inside out, spun in total 360s, then sprinkled with tiny moments of joyous hope, only to be immediately followed by emphatic pendulum-swinging kicks to the emotional ghoulies, we have all at times found ourselves considering our options. It is well known that the entertainment industry has of late been battered more comprehensively than a Glaswegian fish supper, and I, like many comedians, have been forced to perhaps consider alternative career
Starting point is 00:09:05 choices. When I say consider, I mean, I thought about it for about 20 seconds. My options are, at best, limited. A future in cyber is out of the window, as that is now flooded with ballerinas. And I'll be honest, my CV does not make for impressive reading when it comes to transferable skills. Not that I would want to work in the city or don a power suit. I would rather something a bit more earthy. I've always wanted to work for the Forestry Commission, or the Special Branch, as I would insist on jokingly calling it with my mates in the pub of an evening. And oh, how we would laugh. Oh, Zoe, you're so funny. You did your little joke again. Special branch.
Starting point is 00:09:52 Because despite any preconceptions you may have about me, Zoe Lyons, middle-aged gay comic, I absolutely love a good bit of wood. I accept that apart from my lifelong love of trees, I'm entirely unqualified to work in forestry, but I'd like to daydream that the powers that be might see past that and find me a job that would require me to drive around the woods in a 25-year-old army green Land Rover with a heavy clutch and tricky gears, shod in a sturdy pair of boots and sporting a solid pair of country brown corduroy pants with such defined ridges you could use them to griddle meat on, kept warm against the winter chill in that least ambitious of coats, the gilet, more of a pumped-up vest on steroids than a jacket. I imagined that a small tartan flask would be part of my standard kit and my day-to-day workplace companion would be a loyal, yet unpredictably
Starting point is 00:10:35 territorial Jack Russell called Twiggy. As a valued member of the Forestry Commission, I would no doubt be issued with a walkie-talkie that I would radio back to base with and fill them in on the latest badger situation or pheasant incident. I suspect that a lot of my new fantasy job will involve a cathartic amount of hard physical labour. I think I'd be as happy as a pig in mud at the end of each working day, ruddy-faced and draining the last dregs of lukewarm tea from my flask as Twiggy took a steak-claiming sneaky leak marking his territory on my gilet. Unfortunately, my alternative woodland career has yet to take root. Stop it, Sonny, what are you like? It's just endless joke, honestly.
Starting point is 00:11:15 But this recent lockdown and resulting curtailment of work has afforded me the time to indulge something akin to an arboreal apprenticeship, as I've spent the last three months living on the edge of the new forest in Hampshire. I've been so fortunate to spend some point of every day amongst the trees, and their gentle, soothing presence has been the perfect antidote to the otherwise stressful world we find ourselves in. And if you think that makes me sound like a proper hippie, well, hang on to your wind chimes because your Tibetan singing bowl is about to overflow with my next revelation. I have, of late, taken to hugging trees. Yeah, you heard me. I am a tree hugger. Unashamed, arms wide stretched, bark-bothering tree hugger, and I am proud of it. And like people, they all have their own different huggable characteristics, from the smooth-cheeked beach to a rugged red cedar. In a year when we have all been deprived of human contact, we've had to connect differently. My greatest friend throughout this year has been
Starting point is 00:12:15 nature, and particularly her trees. On those days when time has seemed to drag on like a dull toothache and it seems like normality will never return, I've been able to take comfort from a conifer. Some of the oldest trees in the New Forest have stood for over 500 years. They have survived countless times of political upheaval, two world wars, and even Jedward, so we can be certain that the horrors of 2020 will barely feature in their growth rings. I'm clearly not the only one feeling the love for trees this year. With Christmas fast approaching, it seems like the nation is turning to trees to bring some much-needed, bauble-y joy into their lives. Christmas trees have been popping up in people's windows since mid-November. The British Christmas Tree Growers Association has revealed this week that sales of trees are
Starting point is 00:12:59 up 24% on this time last year. Perhaps you can take some comfort from knowing that long after this pandemic is over and the world is on its way to a full recovery, you will still be finding pine needles from that blinking tree all over your house. We know that winter will be a challenge for us this year. The darker nights will be difficult. Leaves have fallen and the landscape has changed. But keep an eye on the trees. They'll be a first indication that life is coming back that spring will bring with it hope and when the days get brighter you might find yourself in the woods and come across this tree hugger in a gilet getting amorous with an ash fingers crossed that by the time you are pulling the last of the christmas tree needles out of your bare feet next summer we are all once again able to hug each other
Starting point is 00:13:42 we are all once again able to hug each other. Zoe Lyons there. The Labour Party this week asked regulators to investigate whether Rishi Sunak broke the ministerial code by not declaring a multi-million pound investment portfolio held by his wife. Now, this is very important since we know from the Priti Patel saga that if he did break the ministerial code, the government will spring into action and literally do nothing. But it would be interesting to know.
Starting point is 00:14:12 Hello, I'm from the regulator's office. Is Mr Sunak home? Yes, of course. I believe he's playing tennis in the garden. Court 9, I think. Right. How do I find him? Very simple. Out the door, second right, take the monorail towards the west quadrant. Once you are over the moat, you'll see the golden Rishi statue on your left. Stop there, cross the bridge to Sunak Island,
Starting point is 00:14:34 then simply press the buzzer and punch in the code to the sports complex. I see. And how does he pay for all this? Between you and me, I think he saved quite a bit by using Eat Out to help out. It turns out that Sunak's wife Aksharta, daughter of the founder of the Indian tech firm Infosys, is richer than the Queen, which has left the Queen wondering whether she should have set up a tech firm too. Philip, I have invented an app.
Starting point is 00:15:02 It lets you know exactly where someone is at three o'clock on Christmas afternoon and whether their television is on. And if it isn't? Isolation for 14 days. To be fair, the Queen would also have been considerably wealthier if she'd signed an intellectual property deal with Netflix. We're certainly getting plenty of mileage out of her. This week, both Helena Bonham Carter and Culture Secretary Oliver Dowden
Starting point is 00:15:24 said there should be a disclaimer at the start of The Crown to explain it's a work of fiction. Of course, this isn't new at all. There are warnings on pretty much everything already. Films often have a disclaimer which says... TV shows will say... The Brexit campaign ads had small print at the end. Shows will say... Inspired by real events, but aspects of the story and some names and characters have been altered for dramatic purposes. The Brexit campaign ads had small print at the end.
Starting point is 00:15:49 All promises made are provisional and may bear no resemblance to any eventual deal, except maybe on fish. If only people were as worried about factual accuracy in everyday life as they are in TV drama. The thing about The Crown is, it pretends to be real, but actually it's all made up nonsense. And by the way, phone signals give you coronavirus. That's true. I saw it on Facebook. Whether or not the Chancellor has broken any code or not, he's certainly been the bearer of bad
Starting point is 00:16:15 tidings recently, telling us that we are apparently heading for the worst recession since 1709, caused by war with France and the so-called Great Frost, a deep, long-term freeze with no modern parallel, except in public sector pay. Now, 1709 may seem a long time ago, but they were just as interested in the news as we are. Good morrow. I'm Sir Peculary Stirling. And I'm Lady Gilt Price Money Supermarket, with the financial headlines this day.
Starting point is 00:16:44 And there is woe in the coffee houses this morning as shares and joint stock companies fell by up to a shilling. Ruined stock jobbers jumped from top-story windows in the city, falling three floors into piles of animal fodder to the amusement of all at such unfashionable dishevelment. Queen Anne issued a statement this afternoon promising half-price meals at all chop houses and scotch eggs for all under the new Act of Union. When we're being warned about the deepest recession for three centuries, you know that the idea of just going back to normal is not really going to happen.
Starting point is 00:17:20 For a start, when we finally make it back to the High Street, most of it is going to have gone. Soon the average British High Street is just going to be 100% Claire's accessories. Selling a range of accessories including voluntary insolvency starter packs, storage crates, hardboard window coverings and Reduce to Clear stickers. It's going to be confusing when post-vaccine we try to go back to normal socialising, only to find that it's now very difficult arranging somewhere to meet up. OK, I'll meet you at 2pm outside, erm... Debenhams?
Starting point is 00:17:50 Gone. BHS? No. Maplins? Mm-mm. Claire's Accessories? OK, yeah, Claire's Accessories at 2pm. Actually, make it 1.30, just in case. Are there signs of a hopeful future? Well, yes. The Oscars have promised an in-person ceremony next year,
Starting point is 00:18:06 so we can all look forward to that. Please welcome your host, Benedict Cumberbatch. Good evening. It's marvellous to be back. There are five nominations for Best Film of 2020. What? Sorry? Oh, sorry, I beg your pardon, there are five films from 2020. Consequently, the same five films will be nominated for everything, so we are completely back to normal.
Starting point is 00:18:34 We begin with the coveted category, Best Actor in a Role as a Liberal Icon, Preferably with a Disability. And so 2020 comes to an end, a year for which future generations might need a disclaimer reading the events depicted actually happened. Will 2021 be any better? Let's hope so. In January, Joe Biden will be inaugurated as president
Starting point is 00:18:55 and Donald Trump can be put out of his misery. I haven't seen anyone hang on to a job which obviously makes them so unhappy since, well, pretty much every UK party leader in the last five years. I hope that this festive season you can, at the very least, spend some precious time with the one you love. By which, I obviously mean BBC iPlayer. With his ode to streaming services, it's huge davis. March, the lockdown was announced And we were told to share a house with family Till July, but for some mushy reason I could see only you
Starting point is 00:19:45 with me on the sofa in month three still can't take my eyes off you ever since my subscription came through oh this is a song for
Starting point is 00:20:01 Netflix wrapped beside me all that time And when my neighbours were clapping The NHS I was watching Fast and Furious 5 Being together every day Seasons one to nine Of Home and Away
Starting point is 00:20:24 Beaky blinders Then we'd take a break To watch the sunset On a TV series On climate change I might take a break From Netflix Cause I haven't been outside
Starting point is 00:20:44 For two months And I can start to see myself in you When my TV screen goes blank And frankly I don't think that I'll read again I don't know if I don't know when To pop the question, when's it time, to also get Amazon Prime?
Starting point is 00:21:14 Huge Davis there. So who amongst us hasn't been looking forward to heading back to their local leisure centre? The sting of the chlorine, the screaming of children, and the quiet poetry of an old plaster floating towards a hair-clogged drain. Perhaps I'm romanticising it. But here to dive straight in, despite the very visible no diving signs, it's Ivo Graham. I'm from Swindon. Now, full disclosure, I'm actually from a small village just outside Swindon, but I have spent most of my life benefiting from the town's various local amenities. And that is why I would like to use my platform today to address a specific Swindon-based leisure issue.
Starting point is 00:21:52 And if that phrase hasn't got you by the Jaffas, I don't know what will. It certainly won't be the strangest bit of coverage the town got on the BBC this week, after a surrealist cheese dream of a trailer for the latest FA Cup coverage featured hundreds of Swindon fans getting devoured midway through a match by a giant Greg Wallace. If you haven't seen it, I can thoroughly recommend it as a very effective way to turn 20 sleeps till Christmas into no sleeps till Christmas. Truly one of the most unsettling things I've ever seen, and especially inappropriate since Swindon aren't even in the FA Cup anymore.
Starting point is 00:22:24 Have mercy, Greg, we got humiliatingly knocked out by non-league Darlington. Eat them instead! The trail was only made weirder by every one of the Swindon fans having the face of Daisy Mae Cooper, star of beloved Cotswolds comedy This Country, who regularly referenced the team on the show and even wore a dress made of a Swindon shirt to the BAFTAs. Her reward for all this great free publicity? A trip down the cackling gullet of MasterChef goes large. With football fans allowed back into stadiums as of this week, I was hoping to attend Swindon's upcoming game against Fleetwood, but I think I'll be staying at home until I know that the threat of Gregzilla has been neutralised. Perhaps he could fight it out in a duel with the giant Rita Ora from last month's equally
Starting point is 00:23:04 unsettling advert for EE, the one where she tramples a series of London skyscrapers but still thinks she can host an illegal birthday party without anyone noticing. With the various vaccines promising a return to normal from early next year, it's now a case of whether the football clubs, like everyone and everything else in Britain, can ride out the winter until then. To use a Lord of the Rings metaphor, Gandalf is nearly at Helm's Deep. The battle may soon be over. Now would be a particularly galling time to get murked by an Uruk-hai. Unfortunately, for all the green shoots of hope to cling to over the festive period, 2020 has already wreaked its massive damage on most of the things we hold dear,
Starting point is 00:23:40 and last month there was especially bad news for one of the few Swindon institutions that people outside the town might have heard of. I'm not talking about the Magic Roundabout, which remains such a triumphant thorn in the side of baffled motorists that James May this week described driving through Madagascar as worse than driving through Swindon. No, I'm talking about the Oasis, the entertainment and sports complex and crucially absolutely banging water park
Starting point is 00:24:02 which opened in 1976 and is now set to be permanently closed by operators GLL. One GLL regional director expressed his regret at the loss of the unique, albeit very tired, leisure pools. Which, you'd have to say, is the equivalent of a speech at a funeral being given by someone who didn't much like the deceased and isn't going to be put off saying that by a few crying relatives. I don't want to go too far the other way and over-eulogise a friend I didn't actually know that well. I mean, sure, as a local kid in the mid-90s, you were nobody if you didn't have your birthday party at the Oasis, with the escalating danger scale of its three iconic dome-buster slides.
Starting point is 00:24:38 Unfortunately, boarding school, university and full-blown big-city adulthood have limited my dome-busting opportunities since then, and so, like a few people in the Swindon Advertiser comments section, I had to acknowledge that I actually hadn't been to the Oasis for years. But, having spent most of lockdown back in the East Wiltshire hood, and now with my own toddler on the scene, I had been starting to plan my first return visit. I might have found it as grubby and underwhelming as recent two-star Trip Advisor review suggested has become, but it nonetheless would have been a passing of the generational torch, a special moment that will be denied to us as we are, in the words of the chilling press release, relocated to alternative leisure centres in the Swindon area.
Starting point is 00:25:17 One phrase that has bubbled away in the bleak discourse of 2020 has been managed decline, the accusation that as visibly destructive as Covid-19 has been, it has also served as a convenient scapegoat for institutions that were being underfunded into extinction anyway. There's already talk of attempts to rescue the oasis, to put it into new hands, to list it as an asset of community value, and while those might seem futile for a half forgotten water park, these are fights worth fighting when it comes to stopping every town centre in Britain from looking and feeling exactly the same. And this particular water park has a national cultural heritage that goes way beyond the fact that it had the first ever wave
Starting point is 00:25:53 machine in Europe. Citation needed. It was the thing that gave the band Oasis their name. That's a true fact. Liam saw the venue listed on a poster and the words stirred something in him, just like 30 years later it still stirs something in me. It also inspired some of the band's best-loved songs, Don't Backstroke in Anger, Champagne Super Soaker, The Importance of Being Tidal. Last month, Swindon residents were tweeting the news to the Gallagher brothers in the hope that they would take matters into their own hands. Tempting as it is to mock the wild optimism of that campaign, I'm going to go the other way and add it is to mock the wild optimism of that campaign, I'm going to go the other way and add my voice to the noise. Come on, boys, when you name your
Starting point is 00:26:30 band after a regional swimming pool, you have a lifelong duty of care to that swimming pool. I know the band have broken up, and you'd probably rather rename it Noel Gallagher's High Diving Boards, but please, put your hands in your pockets and save the oasis. Otherwise the only water slide in Swindon is going to be Greg Wallace's oesophagus. And yes, that's the image I'm choosing to leave you with. Thank you to Ivo Graham.
Starting point is 00:26:57 And finally for this series, we've asked our listeners what their New Year's resolution is going to be for 2021. Yeah, Sarah says to go out more than my wheelie bin does. Magpie Faye says her resolution is not to see the people I haven't missed in 2020. To try not to open my mouth too often. That's from Gavin Williamson. Jen says my New Year's resolution is to start watching the news. Have I missed anything? And my favourite from Derek, which is to refuse to meet up with my parents if they don't provide a substantial meal.
Starting point is 00:27:31 So there you go, a bit of optimism for the future there. Thank you very much for those, and thank you very much for listening. And goodbye. Goodbye. You've been listening to The Now Show, starring Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis, Ivo Graham, Zoe Lyons, Luke Kempner and Emma Siddy. It was written by the cast with additional material from Gareth Gwynne, Josh Weller, Tanya Edwards and Charlie Dinkin. Music was written and performed by Hugh Davis. The producer was Adnan Ahmed and it was a BBC Studios production.

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