Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Now Show - 8th December

Episode Date: January 5, 2024

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis present the week via topical stand-up and sketches. Featuring Geoff Norcott looking in the proposal of a Minister for Men, Harriet Kemsley on Kim Jong Un's pleas to North Korea, and an original song from Peter Rugman.The show was written by the cast with additional material from Adrian Gray, Miranda Holms, Rajiv Karia, Cameron Loxdale and Laura Major.Voice Actors: Daniel Barker and Chiara Goldsmith.Producer: Rajiv Karia Production Coordinator: Katie BaumA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Steve Puntz. And I'm Hugh Dennis. With us are Geoff Norcott, Harriet Kemsley, Daniel Barker, Kiara Goldsmith and Peter Rugman. And this is... The Knowle Show!

Thank you. Thank you very much. So, James Cleverley arrived in Rwanda on a plane from the UK this week and border control were temporarily confused. Let me out! I am not an asylum seeker, I am the British Home Secretary! Once it was sorted out, he explained he was there to sign a new asylum treaty, guaranteeing, amongst other things, that Rwanda will not send UK asylum seekers back to their country of origin.

This came alongside a separate government announcement promising that legal migration to the UK... ..will be reduced by at least 300,000 a year. And this followed the news that the figure had risen to an all-time record of 700,000 arrivals last year. And you know that's bad, because they waited till Nigel Farage is out of the country before announcing it.

In terms of previous government promises, it's the worst missed target on immigration since King Harold promised zero new arrivals in 1066. It's still not clear why the government appears to be tearing itself apart over a policy that will deal at most with literally 1% of the

illegal immigrants who reached Britain last year. Rwanda currently offering to take up to 500 people out of 50,000. Yes, it doesn't sound like a lot, although technically that's 500 more people than voted for the current Prime Minister, which is interesting. Legal migration will be drastically reduced by not allowing dependents, raising the salary requirements and reducing exempt occupations.

Yeah, currently you can apply for a skilled work visa if you work in a field where we don't have enough people to fill the role. So that includes nurses, engineers and, given the current turnover, cabinet ministers. There are also fears that the changes might mean we can't get enough care workers or healthcare staff for the NHS, which in turn threatens another previous government promise. We will bring down

waiting lists. Which are actually higher than when that announcement was made. It's almost as though the government think that making announcements is the same as doing things. However, there was one announcement this week that may be achievable, because achieving it is entirely down to the public. Deputy Prime Minister Oliver Dowden said that the public needed to be more personally resilient and that we have become too reliant on devices powered by the internet. I'm not sure that's true. Alexa, have we become too reliant on devices powered by the internet? You are using irony.

Anyway, because we may be facing a future of cyber attacks and outages, Oliver Dowden would like us to... Stock up on battery-powered radios and torches, as well as candles and first aid kits. He also added... In the past, you'd go downstairs into the cupboard under the stairs and you'd have a torch and some candles or whatever else. Yes, in the past, but now you've got a torch on your phone

and many people have far more bloody candles than they ever did 30 or 40 years ago. You can't move for them in the shops at this time of year. I mean, when the zombie apocalypse starts and the power goes off, there will be panic, but it won't be the type you think. The lights have gone out. Quick, get a candle! OK, warm cinnamon, winter forest, midnight jasmine or winter cupcake. They're outside, I can hear them!

How about a diffuser instead? I think he's saying warm cinnamon, please. Dowden also announced a new Resilience Academy, soon to be downgraded by Ofsted for not having a wide enough curriculum. And for anyone wondering how they will cope, there will also be a new resilience website which will provide practical advice on how households can prepare. So, just to repeat that, to tell you what to do

when the internet goes down, the government have set up a website. So, what sort of emergencies is the Deputy Prime Minister worried about? Well, The Guardian revealed this week that since 2015, the Sellafield nuclear site in Cumbria has been hacked by groups linked to Russia or China using sleeper malware. Worse still, Sellafield knew and didn't tell anyone about it, for which there are two possible reasons.

One, loss of data didn't bother them because leaks from radioactive plants are stored in the cloud. Or two, they were showing resilience. The best part of this story, though, is that last summer, passwords for some of the top-secret IT systems at the plant were inadvertently broadcast on country file. As it used to be called. Hello, I'm Matt Baker, and this is Classified File. The BBC had been invited into the plant

to film a piece about nuclear power plants and rural communities. The Russians must be wondering why they bother with hacking. Sir, we have been wasting resources. The British nuclear launch codes have just been broadcast on Antics Roadshow. The other really alarming part of the story is that Sellafield has open-air storage tanks containing highly radioactive water, which are regularly visited by passing seagulls,

as holidaymakers nearby have testified. I just bought a bag of chips and I was walking along when all of a sudden it just swooped down and grabbed the whole bag with both its beaks. Cleaning up Sellafield will take decades because nuclear power stations are one place where you really do have to follow

the science. Elsewhere, it's optional as we've been finding out at the COVID inquiry, where this week Boris Johnson avoided having to face bereaved families by arriving three hours early. Chris Philp, the policing minister, joked... It's the first time Boris has ever been early for anything. I'm not sure about that myself,

because he left Downing Street two years early. Asked why 5,000 of his WhatsApp messages were missing, Boris said... I don't know the exact reason, but it looks as though it's something to do with the app, you know, going down and then coming up again. Previously, of course, he claimed he forgot the password to a phone wanted by the inquiry.

He should have made his password something easy for him to remember, but unfortunately, he went with the names of his children. Anyway, if they really wanted to recover his messages, they know who to call. Hello, this is IT support. You're through to Vladimir. Ah, yes. We were wondering if you could access Boris Johnson's 5,000 missing WhatsApps. There's a bear sitting in the woods.'s 5,000 missing WhatsApps. Those bears shit in woods. One moment, caller. Got them.

Oh, what do they say? One says Matt Hancock is plonker, one is request for DJ disco lights, and two cage dancers for a Downing Street party. How on earth did you manage to find them so quickly? It's no problem. They were in the background on last week's country file. Now, the subject of a minister for men

was raised at PMQs again this week. So here with his thoughts on the matter, please welcome back to The Now Show, Jeff Nolcot. Thank you. On Wednesday, Tory MP Nick Fletcher used PMQs to reiterate a swathe of poor health and life outcomes faced by men.

Sadly, he received a largely apathetic response from both sides of the House and it reminded me of a couple of months back when I was on Politics Live. I was asked if there should be a Minister for Men. At that point, I wasn't honestly sure that there should be. Minister for Men sounds like a cheap 90s aftershave your dad would wear. Minister for Men, for when you absolutely have the smell like petrol and disappointment. I'd buy it. When I mentioned the stats, especially on male suicide,

there did seem to be a case for such a role. However, my points got fairly short shrift from the other panellists and a clip of that exchange started to go viral. For a brief period, there was finally a discussion starting to happen about the fact that suicide is the biggest killer of British men under the age of 45. But then Lawrence Fox weighed in and then liberal commentators moved to their more natural territory

of asking whether GB News was as bad or worse than the Third Reich. However, over the next few days and weeks, lots of people started reaching out to me, sharing stories of men they'd lost too early, and that has stayed with me. The common answer to male problems is arguably too simple. Men need to change. And the suggestions for how men should change tend to run along the lines of be more open,

talk about your problems more, be more empathetic, basically be more like women, because we've all seen how happy they are all of the time. It's never that men and women could evolve and learn from each other, is it? You know, it's never that maybe men could talk about their problems a bit more and maybe women could... I don't know. I don't know, whatever you thought in your head, that. If you are trying to start a discussion about how men can change

for the better, another challenge is that blokes quite like being blokes. It's fun and lack of knowledge about our own lives can be liberating. Often when I leave for work, I get a couple of miles up the road and I've forgot I've got a family. So if there is to be a change in the male psyche, I hope it's evolution, not revolution.

When it comes to masculinity, let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater, but let's also be mindful of the fact that that phrase exists because probably once upon a time a bloke did that. Dave, are you throwing out that bathwater? Yeah. Dave, where's the baby? Just going outside for a minute.

One thing which may contribute to our isolation, especially in middle age, is how little blokes tend to know about their close friends. I recently came back from three days away with the lads, and my wife said, so, how was it? I said, why, what have you heard? She said, no, Jeff, how are your friends? What's going on in their lives? Austin recently got a new job. Luke's youngest won a swimming competition. Did you find out about any of that? I went, yeah, just then when you said it. She went, Jeff, I think it's sad. You've known these lads over 30 years and you don't know a single thing about them.

I said, you know what, babe, you're right. You're right, it is sad. It's one of the great tragedies of being a man is that you never really get to tell another man how you truly feel. On the other hand, they never burden you with their bullshit. So... Swings around about, really.

She said, so what did you talk about? I said, well, I guess we just tried to work out each other's fundamental flaws and weaknesses and then we hammered those i said for example greg he's got this weird new fringe we gave him a new nickname wiggy greg we went with that for a couple of days then on the saturday greg got up late so we went down the fancy dress shop we all got greg wigs so when greg came down for breakfast we were wearing these wigs and we said this is what you look like to us and he didn't like that. He went back to his room, locked the door.

I went up there with another lad. We listened at the door and we could hear the sound of Greg weeping. So I said to one of the other lads, I said, should we record that sound? So we did record it. And we shared it with one of the other lads that couldn't be there. I said, so babe, don't tell me that we don't look out for each other. Now, I never want to give up the banter. But I also recognise male friendships can't only be about that.

Banter can go too far. So I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise unreservedly to my mate Steve for not being emotionally there for him when his girlfriend dumped him at a Burger King and instead spent the next six months calling him the lonely whopper. spent the next six months calling him the lonely whopper. So, I've concluded that we need an initiative for blokes to be better friends to each other, a bit like the successful Five A Day campaign

to get people to eat more fruit and veg. When you spend time with your mates, aim to find out five things that are going on in their lives. One, the process of finding out those things will probably open up other stuff. Two, it will appease your partner's relentless desire to find out how their marriage is going. And just like the real five a day,

you'll probably only manage two, but we'll include a conversation about mortgages just to bump up the numbers. You might even find out something about your best friend that you never knew before, like their hopes, their dreams. And if you dig really deep, the names of their kids. But do have those chats, chaps,

because you never know, you might just save a mate's life. Thank you very much. APPLAUSE Geoff Norcott there. So, this week, the Oxford English Dictionary published its annual Words of the Year, those words and phrases which seem to sum up the zeitgeist. For 2023, these include the following. Situationship. Swifty.

And, of course... Have you seen the gas bill? But the winner, and the OED's choice for Word of the Year, is... Riz. Riz, ladies and gentlemen. A contraction of the word charisma, coined by Gen Z. Before you run away with the idea that Riz is some sort of cool modern word, let me point out it's an example of linguistic clipping,

similar to fridge and flu from 100 years ago, where the initial and final syllables are omitted or mit. But however they're formed, words of the year has become one of those Christmas traditions. Yeah, the OED started it 20 years ago, but now all the dictionaries do it. Chambers Dictionary decided that their word of the year was AI, which

forgive me, isn't even a word. For the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, AI was only a runner-up. Their word of the year was... Authentic. Which they say is a reaction to the prevalence of AI and makes you wonder whether the list was generated by AI, which put itself in second place in order to appear authentic. Now, Merriam-Webster is, of course, an American dictionary, and looking at the various lists for word of the year over the last 10 years, it does give you a pretty good idea what different countries

were thinking. So, starting in 2013, the words of the year from chambers here in Britain have been Australia. They have done the world proud. Since 2006, the Macquarie Dictionary Word of the Year has included muffin top, pod sloping, shovel ready, burkini, phantom vibration syndrome, milkshake duck, flash pecking and bachelor handbag. Meanwhile, in the US, the American Dialect Society has chosen...

Because BLM, they dumpster fire fake news, tender age, shelter, pronouns, COVID and insurrection. Now, interestingly, that list doubles as a typical Donald Trump speech. Because BLM, they dumpster fire fake news, This BLM, they dumpster fire fake news. Tender age shelter pronouns COVID insurrection. This is making way more sense than my usual ones, actually. Other annual pre-Christmas traditions have also been raising their heads this week.

For example, every year since 1947, the Norwegians have sent a Christmas tree to Trafalgar Square to thank the UK for defending Norway in World War II. And every year, in return, we moan about it and complain about what it looks like. This year, one person told the press... It looks half dead. Which is interesting, because it's fully dead.

Having been toppled with a chainsaw. I mean, why does Norway bother? I mean, what do they get from us in return? Supposedly, we send them a British Joy of Christmas Advent calendar, where every time you open a door, a voice goes... Shut that bloody door, it's freezing! Except on the 24th of December, when it says... What the hell's Riz mean? Except on the 24th of December when it says... And of course, it's not just disappointing Christmas trees around the country.

We can expect over the next two weeks to read about disappointing winter wonderlands, disappointing Christmas lights, especially in Oliver Dowden's constituency, where digital illuminations have been replaced with homemade paper chains for resilience. On a happier note, IKEA continue the tradition of providing specialist Christmas foods by announcing their festive treat. A four-and-a-half-kilogram meatball the size of a turkey. It's like a pork and beef football.

And if you don't fancy eating it, you can always use it as a head for a snowman. Because Raymond Briggs never thought of that. Next morning, when the boy awoke, he thought it was all a dream. He ran out into the garden and the snowman was still there. He hadn't melted at all. But unfortunately, his head had been dragged away and eaten by foxes. Goodbye, said the boy.

Said the foxes. Goodbye, said the boy, said the foxes. Another Christmas food tradition is that of asking what has happened to our confectionery? A role fulfilled this year by Cadbury's Roses. According to one report, enraged buyers have been emailing Cadbury's because apparently the orange cream roses are absent from the tins they have opened. To which Cadbury's replied... Why have you opened them now? They're meant to be for Christmas. Another Christmas tradition much indulged in by the papers is, of course, speculating on the best-selling toys for Christmas. Barbie dolls are predicted to dominate festive toy sales after the success of the blockbuster film this summer, although, disappointingly, the Robert Oppenheimer dolls

do continue to underperform. It's Reaction Man with glowing hands. Reaction Man comes with a blackboard, fedora hat and working atomic bomb prototype. Not suitable for children when naughty news toy must be stored underwater at Sellfield. If you're stuck for children's presents, here are our tips for this year's number one buys. At number five...

The Real Company's Antarctic Discovery Ship. A must for an adventurous child. Celebrate COP28 with this beautiful polar explorer vessel. Use it in the bath where it floats in warm water, just like the real Antarctic ships. At number four. The textile company Kids Gymnast. She can be moved into numerous gymnastic positions and perform all floor and equipment disciplines. As an extra, you can buy the Junior Gymnast legal pack which allows her to sue her coach.

Number three. The Play Incorporated Ultimate Ice Cream Truck. Includes cornets, tubs, and a creepy, unwashed-looking man who leaves the engine running, sneezes a lot and says, Do you want a flight with that? At number two... The Fisher-Price Doll's House of Surprises. Reflecting the real world, it has all the surprises you would expect in a new build. No dam course, no house-building guarantee,

no address for the builders, and a massive unexplained crack down the front wall. And at number one, the little tickle interactive puppy. No longer available, it was an ex-el bully. The best traditions though of course are the old ones and it won't be long now until Santa is flying in, although he will be on his own this year because under the new rules none of his elves are getting a visa. Thank you. So this week, Kim Jong-un made an impassioned plea to the people of North Korea to have more children. Here to talk more on the matter, it's Harriet Kemsley. Harriet Kemsley.

Hello. Yes. Kim Jong-un, leader of North Korea, has called for women to have more children. This is a man who knows what his people want. Harder lives, more mouths to feed, less freedom. In his call to tackle the country's falling birth rate, he said North Korea needs to increase the population as part of a bid to strengthen national power, which is also, weirdly, the exact reason why I had my daughter.

He said stopping the decline in birth rates and providing good childcare and education are all our family's affairs that we should solve together with our mothers. And I personally believe it's really great to get advice on family from a man who's killed a lot of his. He was speaking in Pyongyang on Sunday at the National Mothers' Meeting. Well, he initially said, what is this, a mothers' meeting? And they said, oh yeah, actually, it is. He described the responsibility of increasing the birth rate as everybody's housekeeping, and yet, just like actual housekeeping, it seems like a problem that predominantly falls to women. Kim Jong-un follows Putin in recent trustworthy call guys

telling women what to do with their bodies. Even Mother Russia is having problems persuading Russians to be mothers. North Korea and Russia are not the only countries with a declining birth weight It's a worldwide problem In the UK, the current birth rate is about 1.5 I've already had one daughter and in line with the birth rate I'm looking forward to having a little pair of legs and a bottom soon Not the top half, thank you too, Torquay

Having a baby is a big deal You don't know what your body is going to be like on the other side And there's so much pressure to bounce back Celebrities make it seem easy They're like, I had a baby three weeks ago And I'm only just starting to feel like myself You had a surrogate She's still pissing herself

You hear all these horror stories about birth I was told when you have a baby Two holes can become one. It's like some kind of messed up Spice Girls song, isn't it? Horrible! I gave birth two years ago and no-one believed that I was in labour because my waters didn't break. It was so scary.

The baby came out in the amniotic sack, but we didn't know that at the time, so he just looked like an alien squidge. And the midwife said to her father, oh, do you want to go and have a look at the head? And I was like, oh, what does she look like? And he went, don't worry about it, we'll see. I was like, what do you mean, we'll see?

And he was like, let's just get it out and then we'll deal with it. It's no surprise birth rates are falling. It's been a terrifying time to have a baby. I had my daughter at the end of 2021 when there was a lot of disease around, a lot of COVID, and I was so worried that she might get sick with her precious new little immune system.

But thank goodness for my mother who said, Harriet, don't worry about it. The baby came out of your vagina, so she would have picked up a lot of bacteria from there. She said it nicely, but it felt pointed. Because I've had chlamydia and she knows that. When my daughter was first born, we had to start using babysitters. And it's so expensive and scary.

The second babysitter we ever used, she was very sweet, but her English wasn't great. And I felt so sick leaving my little baby. And I left and I was crying. And then I was like, I know, I'll just message her and say, is she sleeping? And that will make me feel better. And so I messaged and said, is she sleeping, and she replied, and I think she meant to say yes, but her English wasn't great, so what she wrote was, her eyes shut, she no move.

She followed up the most terrifying message I've ever received. She angel now. And then a little angel emoji. It seems like women have been making a stand and we might actually be doing more to help the planet than those that sat at COP28 in their air conditioning. So, world leaders, maybe if you want women to have more children, you should really try and support them properly.

Fund research into safe birth, help with childcare, slash the cost of baby formula, support mothers' return to work, and most importantly, give out free vaginal rejuvenation. Harriet Kemsley there. So, as we heard earlier, the Oxford English Dictionary have announced their Word of the Year, RIS. So we've asked our audience whether they want to make up their own word of the year and what it means.

Make up your word of the year. Riz-la. Charismatic. In French. Word of the year. Sunak attack. The act of punching oneself in the face repeatedly. Farrago. What does it mean?

It's a confused mixture of both talking and eating bollocks. So, thank you very much for those. We'll be forwarding them to the OED. I don't know how much hope you should hold out. And that is almost it for this week. Yeah, but this week, Keir Starmer spoke out in praise of Margaret Thatcher and he managed to upset the left and right by doing so. Here's a breakdown of the matter.

Here's our musical guest, Peter Rugman. APPLAUSE Keir Starmer. I'm on the mic, I'm trying to win you over, trying to woo the right. I'm electable. Yes, I've got the riz. That's the word of the year. Yes, I'm down with the kids. Thatcher, now she was great. Remember Section 28?

Don't know about you, but I also think it's cool that she cancelled all deliveries of milk to your school. Remember the time that she shut down the mines and sent the north of England into terminal decline? We could focus on the stuff that is obviously bad. But what about the fact that she looked great in shoulder pads? Yeah But I can see there's a couple here that might not agree but this star must not for turning except on brexit policy There'll be members on the left that'll be surprised that there's other funky people that I want to recognise. Donald Trump, a president twice impeached,

making bold suggestions like drinking bleach. He's a stellar old fellow with questionable hair. And Putin's controversial, but he looks good on a bear. Dance break. I'm doing a dance right now, but you can't see. Because I'm on the radio. I'm the man for the job In many different ways And to prove it, here's some other folks who need some praise

Henry Kissinger I'll be missing ya Robert Mugabe He liked to party Colonel Gaddafi He was a laffy Jimmy Savile Despite accusations, I was not the reviewing lawyer for that case.

Satan, what a wonderful guy. He could sell an apple in hard economic times. Some people think the balut for him is weird, but I really like his horns and his stylish little beard. It's like a well-groomed goatee. Now, a Labour leader saying this seems contradictory, you think I'm snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. But the devil's assured me I'll achieve my goal.

He's making me PM as a trade for my soul. He's taught me deception's the key to winning votes. I now know how to shapeshift. I can turn into a goat. We've crafted a plan that underpins our campaign to metamorphosise Conservative in all but name. Stamsie out. You've been listening to The Now Show,

starring Steve Puntz, Hugh Dennis, Jeff Norcott, Harriet Kemsley, Daniel Barker and Ciara Goldsmith. The song was written and performed by Peter Rugman. The show was written by the cast with additional material from Cameron Loxdale, Laura Major, Rajiv Kharia, Adrian Gray and Miranda Holmes. The producer was Rajiv Kharia and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hi, I want to tell you about my podcast from BBC Radio 4. It's called Fed and it's with me, Chris Van Telleken. It's about one of the most important things that we all do every single day.

It's about what we eat. And I'm taking a close look at one food in particular, the most commonly consumed meat in the world. And it comes from a humble, unremarkable little animal that, as I've been finding out, is actually pretty extraordinary. It's chicken. We eat around 74 billion of them per year. And yet, it turns out, I know almost nothing about where it comes from, how it's raised, or the impact it has on our bodies, our culture and the planet. But I'm going to find out in Fed with me, Chris Van Tulleken. Listen now on BBC Sounds.