Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 144. Tom Scharpling

Episode Date: February 27, 2017

Comedian, TV writer and host of the popular Internet show/podcast "The Best Show," Tom Scharpling stops by the studio to hold court on a wide range of topics, including the comic genius of Martin Short (and Charles Grodin), the self-importance of Jerry Lewis, the body count of "Death Wish 3" and the forgotten history of "Saturday Night Live." Also: Jimmie Walker breaks out, Harry Shearer holds out, Tom feuds with Chuck Woolery and Hitler puts a hit out on the Three Stooges. PLUS: Gilbert O'Sullivan! "The Day the Clown Cried"! Alex P. Keaton goes to Japan! Tom meets Lisa Simpson! And the creepiest song ever written! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In Season 3, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White, Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. That's the sound of unaged whiskey transforming into Jack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey in Lynchburg, Tennessee. Around 1860, Nearest Green taught Jack Daniel how to filter whiskey through charcoal for a smoother taste, one drop at a time. This is one of many sounds in Tennessee with a story to tell. To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com.

Tennessee sounds perfect. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. Amazing Colossal Podcast. I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and we're once again recording at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Furtarosa. Our guest this week is a radio host, comedian, TV writer, producer, music video director, and a walking encyclopedia of pop culture. He is the creator and host of the wildly popular internet call-in comedy program and podcast, The Best Show with Tom Sharpling, which New York Magazine described as a freewheeling three-ring circus, and GQ called a tribunal for all that's false and undeserving in the world. And comedian Aziz Azari. Plus.

Yeah, I knew I'd fuck that one up. Aziz Ansari. Aziz Ansari. Well, at least you said Ansari. Yes. People who like the best show don't just like it. They want to turn it into a woman and make love to it on the beach, on some weird magical island. He's also been a writer-producer on TV shows such as

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job, Tom Goes to the Mayor, Monk, and The Jack and Triumph show, as well as today is his last day on divorce. He's no longer working on divorce. So if you see Tom Sharpling, don't go up to him and say, hey, congratulations on that divorce show. I heard it's doing better than ever. They're tripling everyone's salary on that and giving everyone free tickets to Europe. And a yacht

for God's sakes. A yacht. And he's a sought after voice actor. Not that sought after as of today. If you're not working for the show Divorce, he's sought after.

He's a sought-after divorce actor with appearances in shows like Adventure Time, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and The Simpsons. Currently, he co-stars as Greg Universe in the Cartoon Network series Steven Universe. But he has nothing to do with the show Divorce. More than you want? Okay, fine. He also contributed to The Onion, written and directed online. Comedy features for Funny or Die, collaborated with performers such as

Jon Hamm, Bill Hader, Paul Rudd, and yes, even Gilbert Gottfried, and directed music videos for everyone from Amy Mann to the new pornographers. He's also released six albums with his longtime comedy partner, John Worcester, under the moniker Sharpling and Worcester. Please welcome to the show a big fan of this very podcast, God Help Him and a Man who once waged a Twitter war with Love Connection host Chuck Woolery. The man who is no longer undivorced.

He will not be invited to Sarah Jessica Parker's birthday party. Or, oh, fuck, I forgot his name. Matthew Broderick. No, no, no. Oh, Thomas Hayden Church. Oh, yeah, Thomas Hayden Church will not be having lunch with him any day soon. I'm sorry to help, though. will not be having lunch with him any day soon. So the hungry, because he'll never be at any parties or having lunch with any of those two people,

multi-talented Tom Sharpley. Oh, well, thank you so much with that. That heartfelt really fits the mood of where I'm at. Oh, thank you. Now, my first question. What's it like working on the part? Well, from what I hear, no, I worked on the first season, and I'm not going to work on the second season.

That's all it is. Could you please tell us why? It's just there's different people, and it's a change in guard, and so I'm part of the old guard, and there's a new guard. It happens. It's the nature of the business. That's how it goes. But in your case, there's no guard because you're not on the business.

In my case, my life is essentially over. I'm doomed. It's just the, I was thinking about it last night. I'm just at this point, I'm just praying that I'm in like a bodega or a convenience store. And then there's like a hold up and i thwart it and then get shot like regarding henry and then that's how i go out it's like a hero that i could could shot in a 7-eleven and then it says hero podcaster that seven saves people at 7-ele. Or you could stop a hold up and then be shown what your life could have been by Don Cheadle. Sure.

All right. Hey, what's your feelings about Taylor Leone? Where did that come from? What the come from i was studying it all what the hell is your feeling that's why he was that's why we invited or sergio leone for that matter well i guess taylor leone i don't know what is she has some show now that i haven't seen where she's the madam secretary yes she she was in that movie with Don Cheadle, The Married Man. Oh, the one with Nicolas Cage. Horrible, horrible.

It was like a Capra, a warmed over Capra. Oh, God, horrible. Family Man, I think it was called. She plays these parts that get on my nerves to no end. Yeah, she was in a movie called Spanglish that she was pretty rough in. Oh, yes. Where it's like, whoever wrote that, I think itanglish that she was pretty rough on.

Oh, yes, yes. Where it's like whoever wrote that. I think it was James L. Brooks. James L. Brooks, of all people. It just felt like it was not, like he was putting every negative thing in the movie came out of her mouth. Oh, yeah. He got criticized for it, too, for such an unflattering portrayal. Yeah, and that's a movie.

That's an Adam Sandler movie, and you end up, it's a pretty huge accomplishment to watch an Adam Sandler movie and you hate someone else. You know, I was at that autism benefit, oh well, Robert Schmeichel's.

Sure. Night of Too Many Stars. And I was backstage, and those are usually a fun event to be at, all these comics. And out of nowhere, I'm sitting in the makeup chair, and Adam Sandler comes by and says something like, you know, if you had been my friend years ago, you could have been in all my movies.

Something like that. And then he walks out. It was like, really? That's a weird thing to say to someone. Had you broken his heart or jilted him at some point? I guess so. You have no memory of that. Or maybe he just says it all day to everyone he meets.

He's at McDonald's and he says, you know, if you were my friend back then, you could have been in all my movies. And they're like, what do you want to order, sir? I could have put you in Burger King. Now, here's a story I heard years ago that you've heard, too. And I pray this story is true, because I'm a big Stooges fan, that Hitler wanted the three Stooges murdered. Yeah. That was one of the things that was in the Cliff Nesterhoff book. That's right.

The comedians. Yeah. Our friend Cliff. I know they did the two films, Those Nazi Spies and I'll Never Heil Again. And it's funny because I think the Three Stooges, they thought so little of them that they didn't bother them. Because I think back then you weren't allowed to make fun of Hitler in this country. So Chaplin was on his kill list as well, assumedly. And I think Yakov Shmirnov.

Well, that's just, yeah, that's just, don't you think? think yakov shmirno well that's just yeah that's just don't you think yeah well i mean hitler so he was just he was ahead of the curve on hating yakov credit where it's due yeah he yeah but i mean one thing to remember, though, in all seriousness, is that here in the United States, we watch television, but in Russia, television watches you. And please don't lose sight of that. That's very important. Why the country? Yeah. Why the country?

The other interesting thing that came out of that Cliff interview, we were just talking about it before we turned the mics off, was the Jerry Lewis talk show, which he's come here and talked about. You sounded fascinated. It's like the – for a guy like Jerry Lewis, that's like the apex of his ego kind of – Now, this was the two-hour one? Yeah, the one in the early 60s. Yeah.

That supposedly had no preparation. And it was a show where they had redone the theater to be the Jerry Lewis Theater. That's right. And his face was everywhere. It was on doorknobs. It was on a tile. Yeah. Yeah.

And he bragged that he had this control panel that he could override the, the, the show's director and choose the shots that the, that the, uh, in case the director was not as good a director as Jerry was, which is what he clearly thought that he could, he knew what the right shot was. And it's just, and then the show was,

I think they said the stuff started breaking down right away. Like that, that panel didn't work. And it just was like on the first night, the thing was falling apart. And, I think they said the stuff started breaking down right away. Like that panel didn't work. And it just was like on the first night the thing was falling apart. And he was – so didn't he apologize for it at a point? Like take out an ad in Variety and just go like – Probably. Probably.

Well, I think Cliff tells a story that he just decided to wing the monologue and just – Yeah. And then Charlie Callis was a strange choice as a sidekick. A guy who was funnier than he is. Was Charlie Callis in that one or was Charlie Callis. Was Charlie Callis in the second one? He was in the talk show. You're right.

You're right. You're right. Because I remember in the talk show, the most eerie moment for me was Jerry Lewis is there and Charlie Callis is sitting in the Ed McMahon chair. Jerry Lewis is there and Charlie Callis is sitting in the Ed McMahon chair. And Jerry Lewis mentioned some guy who died in the show business who no one in the audience knows who the hell he is. And he goes, so I think we should take a moment of silence. And I'm sure like the sponsors are going, oh, great. We're paying for a moment of silence. And I'm sure like the sponsors are going, oh, great.

We're paying for a moment of silence. And to make matters worse, he goes, a moment of silence where we sit. And then he reaches and takes out a cigarette case and goes, have a cigarette. And especially when you consider this guy, bet my money died of cancer so there was a variety show the one you're talking about is a variety show the two hour the two hour one was a variety there were three and then there was the one he did for fox in the 80s yeah or the late 70s yeah that was the talk show another talk show and the one with callous was a talk show yeah and there was the there was a variety show, that was the talk show. Another talk show. And the one with Callus was a talk show. Yeah, and there was a variety show, but that was like a half hour or hour.

Yeah. But this was like the first of the... Yeah, this was like the Saturday night show or something. And it just, I think it was such a huge bomb right off the bat. Yeah, that's the stuff I can't get enough of, just egos run wild like that. And he just does nothing but provide that yes like um there's a youtube clip of of um jerry lewis on stanley

siegel oh god like in the late 70s remember that show and it was him it was jerry lewis and al goldstein were on together and they were doing one of those like, these are the new high tech devices and the new gadgets and things. And then Jerry was just like, it's like, and here's a, here's like a camera. That's the thing. And Jerry's like, my of, uh, I have that already. And he's like, uh, but it's a high, he's like, I actually have 13 of those in my house. It's just like he had to win every exchange. And this is when he's coming up on 50,

and I guess he had just done Hardly Working, would have been the last of the movies where he was an idiot in them. Yeah. Well, there was Hardly Working and what was the other one? Smorgasbord? Smorgasbord, yeah. Yeah, but Hardly Working. This is the 80s, and he's doing Yellowface.

He's still doing it. He's still doing it. Still doing that. He's sitting down in an office trying to get a job, but it's like you're an old guy now. Yes, it's sad. You watch that, and you go, yeah, he's old, and he doesn't have a job.

He can't support himself. It's tragic. It's like the system is failing people like this. Can't we help guys like this coming up on scene? He's almost a senior citizen and he's still trying to find his way through the workplace. And yet he's always been nice to you, Gil yes when you've had dealings with him what do you have at home jerry i know i have six kids no but in terms of electronics uh what do you have what do you want i've got it all well you've got a lot of stuff how many tv sets you have for example you probably have an advent don't you yeah i have no i have the sony projection

system projection system um i have a 33 room house in the house i would say there are 15 television sets 15 television rocks would these would these fit into your lifestyle would that phone for example be a good idea i use the phone i have that you have that you have one in a car or one i have one in a car i have one in a briefcase i have one of my galoshes this is beautiful i'd like to get that for my little boy i saw him i went to a benefit in las vegas in uh a few months ago it was a chris angel organized this benefit for for sick kids and my friend was just like we have to go to this thing and it because it was a line the lineup was just insane it was like every weird las vegas performer like like terry fader and oh yeah and all those guys and it's just like a ventriloquist like a like an impressionist whose thing wasn't updated since like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And then the curtain goes up and he was kind of in a chair already. And it was just such a sad thing that he just was there. And he seems like he's just really at the end and he's kind of, but he still was doing that bragging thing. He's like, my new movie is Max Rose is the best reviewed film of my career. And then we were in the theater and I looked on my phone at Rotten Tomatoes and I showed my friend Jason and it was like at 32%. So it's like this movie is getting hammered. It's the best reviewed movie of his career. It's like, come on. It was really kind of a bummer, but he is like, he's like the only connection to old, to those guys.

All of them are good. Maybe Rickles. Yeah, really. Yeah, like those two are the only ones who legitimately knew the original guys. knew all of them the original guys yeah like especially jerry when you think of like with he would hang out with chaplain and all the stuff like that and he's like them all yeah so he's the he's the last one now then finally we're free of the past yeah when he goes what was the thing about the shoes you told us before we turn the bikes on it's worth telling in uh the day the clown cried the movie that that he won't release, where he was the clown in the Holocaust, supposedly he is still wearing new shoes in it, really high-end shoes.

He still couldn't not be Jerry Lewis. And he's like, well, I still need to have nice shoes on if I'm in this thing yes I'm a clown in a concentration camp but these new shoes I have yeah it's it's like those are the guys that you can't I just can't stop thinking about that kind of hubris and is it true Jerry Lewis once said I used to work on divorce, but now I don't. Why are you doing that with the savage Jessica and the poison? Oh. There's versatility.

With the Thomas Hayden boy. Yeah. You get young Jerry and you get old bitter Jerry out of the same comic. And when Maury Short does it it he does the lozenge oh yeah the cough yeah I think that's a pretty good that's the voice I hear

in my head now I'm hearing a variety of people saying that and when I lay my head on my pillow tonight, the voice will get louder and louder. And now we're going to drag the show to a screeching

halt as we bring you some important messages. And now back to the show. Now, Tom, you're a fan of this show, which flatters us. I'm a huge fan of the show. You are too kind. Yes. Anything stand out to you in particular?

In 170 something episodes or am I putting you on the spot? Oh, I just like the Larry Storch one I thought was fantastic. Oh, that was one of our first. That was great. We got to sing the F Troop theme with Larry. And the one that I always think of is Bob Zamuda. Oh, no. Oh, jeez. When he told the story about being at the Playboy mansion and deceiving women that he was pretending to be Jim Carrey or what was it?

Yeah, that's pretty much it. And he's pretty much, I mean, I don't want to say he's doing, I don't want to throw out actual accusatory, like actionable words. But he was testing the lines of propriety, I guess is what he would do. Because if you pretend you're somebody you're not and then sleep with them, that's like illegal, right? Isn't that in some way? And he's bragging about it, and it's like this is like a confession. He should check the statute of limitations on this.

He might hear this in court. Like he'll be sitting at a table in a courtroom and then somebody will press play and he hears this. Here's your podcast. You never know what people are going to say on this show. And then it's also the thing of he and Andy Kaufman who made their lives like bullshitting everybody. Yeah. You got to wonder each story he tells. Yeah, it's always where he'll tell these stories

and then you're just like, well, there's nobody here to contradict what you're saying, where he'll be like, and then I went, and then it was just, he tells this one story about a donut shop did you ever hear that one where he's like he worked for he worked for norman wexler the screenwriter and he would in his book he called him mr x and he was just like this guy who would like he went into the donut shop and they wouldn't sell him the one donut and then he bought everything in the donut

shop except that one donut and he had everybody taking their tops off and he was throwing money at everyone it's like this is not true this is just science fiction but nobody is around to say like bob you're making stories up now and you know there are these i always wonder with these andy kaufman things as if like andy kaufman is just like somewhere like on the other side like banging on a thing like like no he's not this that didn't happen either that was my idea not hit like like he he seems to inflate his role in everything yes to where it's like i you gotta call bullshit on on his uh because you know andy coffman was probably just like man how do i ditch this dude like i gotta get rid of and then then the like the phone call

when bob is just like here's he's gone and he's just like i guess i'm the keeper of the flame now forever because he does he says the thing is like still alive? Yeah, he pushes that pretty hard. Isn't that gross in a way? It's like, yes. Did he fake his death? It's like he would be 78 now anyway if he faked his death. He would have died of natural causes already. Like Jerry and Smorgasbord.

So you grew up in New Jersey, local boy. Sure. What did you watch? We ask everybody that. I know you listen to comedy albums because I heard an interview with you. Yeah, a lot of Channel 5, a lot of Channel 11. Yeah, local stuff. Yeah.

Our stuff. Million Dollar Movie. Sure. I always remember there was a thing called, when I'd come home from school, there was a thing called TV Picks. Do you remember that? Where it was like Channel 11 picks 11 head. Oh, okay. Where they would show video.

It was like, like when video games, like when like we're first really blowing up in the eighties, it would be like when home video game systems, and there would be a thing where kids could play during the commercial. Like it would be like, they'd come back from commercial and be like, okay,

you're, we have, you know, Billy on and he's going to play the game now. And it's like the spaceship is shooting and the kid would go, picks, when it's time to fire the thing. I remember that. Oh, my God.

I haven't thought of that in 30 years. And there would be like a football one where you'd have to say, picks for the quarterback to throw. It's like there's no way to time this thing. You know, like because there's a delay and everything. There's just no way. But then when it would be the one shoot game, the kids would just scream like, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big.

And then they'd win. It's just like. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. You remember that, Gil?

Oh, yeah. This would be the 80s. Yeah, yeah this would be the 80s yeah yeah that was the 80s i i remember watching tv back then they always had the bowery boys on oh yeah especially when like a like a yankee game would get rained out or something suddenly like oh here's the bowery boys are on like that's how i found out about all that stuff is just like, it's raining. Here's, there's Hunt's Hall now. There he is. Yeah.

And do you watch Antenna TV? Oh, yeah. Do you watch Antenna? Yeah. Well, it's called, yeah, there's Get TV now. There's Antenna. And of course, there's Me TV. Yeah.

There's all these channels just running. I know. Nonstop. Everything. Old programming MeTV. Yeah, there's all these channels just running. I know. Non-stop. Everything. Old programming. Everything. You could just find, you know, like Longstreet, The Blind Detective. Yeah.

Sitcoms that haven't been seen in 40 years. Yeah. Treasure Trove. Yeah, really. It's like Antenna just shows like good. They'll show like all night. It'll just be good times running all night. And it's like I hadn't seen those in so long

and we had john amos here yeah a couple of months ago yeah he's just the so great but it's like that show it's like one minute it's the most bleak serious like it's like a play oh yeah and then the next second like like 15 seconds later jimmy walker's wearing like a leotard and like dancing around the apartment. It's like the tonal shift on the show was so nuts to be just like, we're going to get evicted. We don't have to like, you got fired, James. What are we going to do? You have no money. And then this next thing he's like, dynamite.

Well, that was the pull and tug. That was the DeSero and John Amos that was that was the pull and tug that was the the ester roll and john amos were trying to take the show more in that direction and they resented jimmy oh yeah chicken chicken hated him that is that must just be the the weirdest moment when someone breaks out on a show that's not supposed to break out, like Michael J. Fox on Family Ties. I mean, that was supposed to be a show about this couple, and then suddenly everybody wants Michael J. Fox. I heard the mother on the show.

Meredith Baxter Burney. Yes. She grew to hate Michael J. Fox. Where do you get this information? Where do you get this information? And she used to like him to shit on a glass coffee. Oh, stop that now. I think you're mixing your celebrity stuff. She got your mixed herb and mints there.

It's getting a little blurry. One of your influences, this is an interesting bit of confluence, one of your influences was SNL in the day. Do you remember Gilbert's season? Yeah. Oh, geez. When you and, let me see who I can name from that season. Okay, let's see.

This will impress us. Gail Mathias. Wow. Yeah. Archie got a hard one right off the bat. Benny Dillon. Yeah. Tony Rosato, who just passed away. No, no, no. He came later on. Yes. Wow. Yeah. Archie got a hard one right off the bat. Benny Dillon. Yeah. Tony Rosato, who just passed away.

No, no, no. He was later on. He came later. Well, Charles Rocket. Yes. Well, Joe Piscopo. Yes. Eddie Murphy.

Yes. You're doing well. Let's see. Was Gary Kroger there yet? No. He came later. He was later. Man, now I'm blanking.

I'm trying to picture. George Coe was not a part of your run. George Coe was on the original in 75. George Coe was the four. I think he had a four-episode run. Yes. He would be for the radio parody. I mean the commercial parody.

Yeah, yeah. The one you didn't get is the one nobody gets. Well, Robin Duke. No, she came later. She came later, okay. She came with Ebersole after Gene Dumanian was deposed. Sure. But the one nobody gets is Ann Risley. Sure, that's

a good one. Yeah, and Denny Dillon. You said that. Did you say Denny? Okay. So it was just the four guys? It was you, Piscopo, Charlie Rocket, and Eddie came not at the very beginning. Eddie, when he was originally hired, was a featured player. Who the hell are we forgetting? But later on this season, they did make him a regular cast member. Right.

And the women were Denny, Gail, Matthias, and Ann Risley. Yes. And that was it. Yeah. Right. And the women were Denny, Gail, Matthias and Ann Risley. Yes. And that was it. Yeah. Right. And Harry Shearer doesn't talk to you anymore because of what you came out and said. Because we're doing a thing where we all introduce ourselves. And my, you know, and it's like, I don't know, Charlie Rocket comes out and says, I'm Charlie Rocket. I'm kind of a cross between Bill Murray and Chevy Chase or something like that.

And mine was, hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. I'm a cross between John Belushi and that guy who used to do the imitations who nobody remembers. So not even your fault. It was a scripted line. And Paul Schaefer is the way I found this. Paul Schaefer said to me, you know, Harry Shearer hates you.

Because you read a line that was written for you. Yes. And then we told Michael McKean that, and he said that you're in a lot of company. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of people Harry dislikes. We should put that to the test. We should just have the balls to call him up and see if he wants to do his show. Oh, yes. See if he's holding the grudge.

Yes. But meanwhile, didn't he make a shitload because he held out on the Simpsons? Of course. Well, I mean, it's been going for 20 years now. He would have made it anyway. Yeah, but he held out for more money. I guess a couple years ago there was some situation where he wasn't doing it, and, yeah, I guess he did hold out.

I don't know. One thing I know is I don't—any of these hold out i don't know i know one thing i know is i don't any of these hold out get paid more money that would be like for me it would be more i have more of a chance of like telling you what it would be like to land on mars and like walk on the thing to just be like look and then i held out and they came they came crawling back they're like what if we double your money it's like no i've never been in a situation like that. I'm kind of like, well, can I at least gather my stuff up? Does anybody have a box I can have?

But you and John, your partner, you did a Simpsons. You guys played scientists. They wrote a part for us. That's flattering. It was great. Yeah, it was super flattering and uh it was really uh it was strange how how they kind of we went out there and did it and they they really they just have their thing is like such a machine and they they there's a certain kind of rhythm and everything to it so kind of getting into that was a little

strange or not strange but it was just different and but they then like every cartoon it's like they make it sound better than it sounded when you say it because they chop it up and yeah sure they fix the timing on things so yeah it was great and i couldn't believe that was like a thing that you can't even be like boy i wish i could do a voice on the simpsons it's like when is that ever going to happen but they like the radio show so they did it they wrote something for us so it was very flattering we We had Mike Reese on the show here, and Gilbert gave him shit for never putting him on The Simpsons. Yeah, but it's only been on for like 35 years.

Sure. Gil, they're getting to you. Oh, look. We're going backwards to the cheese. Yeah. It's still in just triple digits in terms of the amount of episodes. So, look, let them hit the 1,000 episode mark. Then it's just going to be wide open for guys like you.

Then they're going to get to the list that they've been holding back for past the 1,000 episode mark. You do a lot of cartoon voiceovers. You're now on the show Steven Universe. Yeah, I do the dad on that, which is nice. And I do it here at Nutmeg. You do it here at Nutmeg. We'll throw in a plug for Frankie Verterosa and Nutmeg.

You guys both do a lot of cartoon voiceovers. Oh, yeah. Gilbert's on, what are you on, Cyber Squad? Cyber Chase. Cyber Chase. And they've called me in as the villain a couple of times on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Oh, were you Krang? Oh, yes, yes.

Wait, don't leave. Waxing is free. Oh, what's up, Snooball? Just helping Sour Cream take his gear to the warehouse. Oh, like a roadie, huh? Yeah. What about you? Oh, same old, same old.

Not too busy. Don't worry. I'm sure it'll pick up soon. Thanks, kiddo. Whoa. Look at the size of that thing. Steven, don't tell him about the free wax. Now, what do you remember of my season of Saturday Night Live?

I remember there was diverticulitis. Wasn't that a thing, like a punchline? No, that was Joe Piscopo, right? I remember you had a thing where it was you, it was a couple. Oh, yeah, with Denny Dillon, the Waxman. That's right. I remember that. Yeah, I think with Denny Dillon, the Waxman. That's right. I remember that. Yeah, I think that might be what I remember.

I remember Denny on a map in the Leather Weather Report. Oh, my God, yes. They put her in a leather harness and strapped her to a weather map. You remember that? Yeah. How many did you do again? 11? I think, yeah, 11.

I think the last one was supposed to have that guy from Monty Python. Oh, we're at Graham Chapman. Yes. Yeah. But it got taken off before. And it is a horrible season. And, of course, we have with us tonight Dr. Calvin Zuko, who caused quite a controversy with his theory of the myth of the female orgasm.

Dr. Zuko. That's right, Charlie. There's no such a thing as a female orgasm. Women don't have orgasms. This will all be in my new book entitled Foreplay or Just Plain Stalling. The female orgasm does not exist let's face it i've been with a lot of women and not one of them has had an orgasm doesn't that tell you something what were the what were the the after show what did it feel like after an episode of it i i usually pretty depressing like yeah because now they do it and everybody goes to like a restaurant and it's a huge party and everybody's

this is my favorite part of when i was on it we would go to a restaurant and of course everyone whatever you ordered you were given a check. You were given a bill for it. Sure. Yeah. That's a bad season. And I thought, how is this a party? Yes. You know those parties when you go and sit down at a table and then you pay for what you ordered?

Yes. The parties you're at? Yeah. It's like. I was at one of those parties earlier at at at a Pret-a-Manger. I was at a party earlier and I ordered a thing and a bottle of water and then I was having a real party and I paid eleven dollars. It's like going to a party at someone's house and going, OK, well, you had two cupcakes and Diet Coke. and Diet Coke.

But were you guys always talking about, did it feel like this thing was going to end any minute? Or was it? Well, I was so, it was like, I always say it's like, back then to do Saturday Night Live without the original cast was like if in the middle of Beatlemania, you said, John, Paul, George, and Ringo are leaving. We've got four other schmucks, and we want you to cheer for them. We got Beatlemania.

Yes, yes, exactly. And so they were already panning the show before we even got on the air. Yeah, you guys were cannon fodder oh it was horrible for the for a larger thing and so yeah so you're doing that but but in the midst of that did the eddie murphy thing feel different than everything did it feel like there was this like kid who's on fire uh i i think he did one thing where he introduces himself on the news segment that got big laughs and then at that point everyone said oh okay yeah but did you see it i i i don't know i liked him i thought he was funny but i can never say i i would like

love to take credit for it. Yeah. Well, I mean, the one thing I will say is that if you had just been friendly with him, you would have been in all of his movies. That's a pro. A pro doesn't call back. Yeah. Well, he turned up and won. Yeah.

Beverly Hills Cop 2. But had I been friends with him, Eddie Murphy would have made Grown Ups. Which was a piece of shit, by the way. Did you see that? I've seen parts of it on things. This may be the angriest show we've ever done. Thank God they did Grown Ups 2 for all the questions they didn't get to answer in the first one. You weren't sure if Kevin James was going to crap his pants at the cookout. he was going to crap his pants at the cookout.

Speaking of SNL, there is a video, the opening scene of the first show with all you guys in the dressing room with Bill Murray, which is kind of fun. And he tousles your hair at one point. Yeah, it's very surreal. Wasn't there a thing where you guys were in bed? Wasn't there a giant? Yes, yes. And we all like, that might have been the one where we all introduced ourselves. Okay.

I don't know. Yeah. I'm trying to remember. I get them all mixed up. So they're not really available anywhere. Thank God. Somebody must have them. Oh, I'm sure.

Yeah. But they were putrid. And was Jean Domanian, could you feel her, did you just feel like she was the wrong fit for this thing the whole time? Well, I will say that at the SNL 40th party, she got angry at me. Uh-oh, you didn't tell me this. You told me Lorne paid you a compliment. Yeah, that was amazing. Lorne Michaels paid you a compliment. Yeah, that was amazing.

Lorne Michaels paid me a compliment. That's nice. Yeah. But she was angry at me. Well, because one time I went on one of these Saturday Night Live remembering shows. Uh-huh. And I just was trying to be funny. And I said that G.Demanian is the type of woman who watches a marx brothers movie and goes

well margaret du mont's funny but who are those other three and i think she didn't see the humor she took that the wrong way yeah that yeah that's so she sought you out at this party yes to tell you even worse i said hello to her and she walked away angry and dejected yeah it seems very healthy carrying that anger you were see that's what was wrong with the whole thing if only you hadn't said that it's just like it just didn't can we just all move forward tell tom the story. And you've told it on the show, but it's worth telling. And maybe Tom hasn't heard of how you knew the writing was on the wall. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. They fired Gene Domingue. Sure. And then Dick Ebersole was coming in. Seems like a very funny guy. You remember what Franken said about him. Yeah. What did he say?

He said, I've known Dick long enough to know that he doesn't know Dick. And Ebersole takes us all together and says, oh, look i've been called in late i'm not going to make any major changes i'm we're going to take a week off and then i'll tell you and and so so we're waiting outside the office and going in one by one to find out our fate and while i'm waiting there was a little table there where they used to throw the fan letters. So I saw one address to me from some girl in

Wyoming or something and I open it up and it says Dear Gilbert, I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I haven't gone into the room yet. I love that. Then I had to come in and act surprised when I was fired. That's like, that is hurtful.

Oh, my God. That's the craziest thing ever. So you have no curiosity to go back and look at any of those? No. Just out of like god no not at all yeah i it's that painful yeah i cringe at the thought of it there must because there are snippets on youtube and there must be scattered around i mean they were never put out yeah on vhs the marty short season was never put out either the 85 it was on vhs yeah the one the one where they did

where ebersole did the all-star cast with Harry Shearer and Billy Crystal. And the short stuff is great in that season. And the way people talk about that, that behind the scenes, like that was just there were two camps in the building. 84, I think it was. It was, okay, 84. Like there was just there, these guys just stuck to themselves and they wouldn't. So there's this cast inherited of god of people just still working on this thing and then like these ringers come in

and they just wouldn't right they would just once in a while deem to let one of the other people be in one of their sketches right that there was definitely a hierarchy for those guys well they were brought in as like murderers row yeah they Yeah. They were supposed to be. There's a sketch. There's a game show sketch with Short doing Jackie Rogers Jr., the albino, that is brilliant.

Yeah. And they used Mary Gross and they used Jim Belushi as Captain Kangaroo. Mm-hmm. And then it's just, it's the one where Crystal does Sammy and...

That's right, yeah. It's really, really funny. When he would be in full blackface on television. I was just, really funny. When he would be in full blackface on television. I was just going to say that. Now that would not be allowed. It would kill Billy Crystal's career if he came out in blackface.

Yeah, he would. He still might do it, though. He might think he could get away with it. I think his ego, he's got that Jerry Lewis thing. He would think he could make a case for it. And that's another guy I'm fascinated with, Billy Crystal, where he had the show a year or so ago. Was it called The Comedians? And it was him and Josh Gad.

And it was supposed to be one of those kind of like curb your enthusiasm, like look behind the curtain and just show what it was like when Billy Crystal playing himself doing a variety show with Josh Gad. And he was always like, so I was like, I can't work with this kid, this comedian. He's like this. He's like the young guy. He doesn't get it. It's like, well, first of all, Josh Gad is not. It's not like he's some maniac who is it's like he's as conventional a guy as possible. But every episode of the show would have someone come up to Billy Crystal and be like, oh, my God, it's Billy Crystal.

You're my favorite performer. Like, oh, my God, you're the greatest. And there's supposed to be this like – there's warts and all performance. But he made sure every episode had somebody just like, oh, my God, I watched your movies my whole life. You're my favorite comedian. You're second only to Christ. themselves and make sure that something he's just like because he's like look maybe i'll do a thing where i steal some stuff from craft services and show i'm not a perfect guy it's like he kind of can't really rib himself too much he's like man they caught me putting a bottle a case of water

in my trunk in the thing because it shows i'm normal just like everybody else and but then he makes sure this is his worshipfulness running through the whole thing. What are you doing here, Billy Crystal? Weren't you? It is interesting that you can't do any kind of blackface now, and it wasn't that long ago. It was the 80s. He did a special, too,

where I remember him as Sammy and Brother Theodore. The two of them did Who's On First. It's actually very funny. Very surreal. But it's not that long ago. No, I mean, Daryl Hammond did Jesse Jackson on SNL. That's right. That was, and so I guess, was that the last thing?

I think Fred Armisen might have. He played Patterson. He played the blind governor. Yeah, I don't think, but he also did Obama. I don't know if he did anything for that. He might have just performed that, but I mean, Daryl Hammond was in Blackface as Jesse Jackson. That's true.

So, yeah, if only we could figure out what would get Billy Crystal. I heard a thing that he, when he was doing that 700 Sundays, that show that he would sell these baseballs in the lot, like, like, like at the merch table at the thing. And that they was just buying these like used batting practice balls from the Yankees. Like they were just all dented up.

He's just buying them by the box load and then just signing them and then selling. Gilbert's kicking himself for not thinking of that. I know. Selling that after his show. Yeah. Yeah. You know, who wouldn't want a baseball autographed by anybody who doesn't play baseball? Let's talk a little bit about the best show.

Sure. And how everything came about. You had an interesting history. I mean, you were a music guy. You worked at a sheet music store. You had your own record label. How did you get – Yeah, well, record labels being very generous.

Well, you had a record – Put some 45s out. All right. Friends, yeah. We'll be generous here. Yeah. And you segued – I've heard you say that comedy in the best show is a hilarious show. You had no real designs on doing comedy you

were just kind of i've never been spinning records it's i'm not interested in being in front of people like performing is not something that's ever appealed to me where i just never felt the call to be in front of people i like writing i like directing i like doing things but it's more behind the scenes stuff has always felt more what I'm comfortable doing. But I just like, I just can't do the thing where we're just doing. I could not imagine doing standup. I mean, what is like, did you guys know when you started doing stuff that that was, did you feel it like this is where I'm supposed to be? Well, I never did stand up.

I'm a writer. He started at 15. You never did stand up i'm a writer he started at 15 you never did any no i started i wrote for a lot of stand-ups but i never some reason i thought you had done a little bit in the a long time ago never did no sketches when i was in my 20s but uh never no never had the the you know the desire to do stand-up either it's a certain takes a certain creature yeah so at, when you did it, were you just like, this is where I'm home up here? You know how people feel like this is where I belong.

What I always, my answer is always the same. I always feel like I got into show business because I was too stupid to do anything else. And I was so stupid that I thought, I didn't realize the odds against making it. Yeah. And I was dumb enough to think, oh, yeah, yeah, I'll just make it. And people pay money to come see me.

You never had a backup plan. No, no. Right, right. Yeah. And now when people say to me, oh, you know, I'm starting to do comedy, I think, oh, my God, why? Yeah. Well, first of all, everybody does comedy.

There's so much comedy now. Oh, my God, yeah. Like, I don't even know how you could differentiate yourself from everybody else starting out. Well, it's just like anybody who wants to make a movie nowadays like three-year-olds go on the internet and they make a movie yeah well i don't know about three yeah three and a half okay three and a half but yeah it's but it is there's just so much stuff now you raise an interesting point there weren't when he started and even when I first saw you in the 80s, there weren't a lot of comics doing surreal stand-up, your kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah. You know, not opening your eyes and shaking the mic and all the gimmicks and the affectation and all of that stuff. Everybody even then was pretty much doing traditional stand-up. Yeah. Now it's – you're right. You make an interesting case that it's just like everybody there's a there's a crowd for every style now might not be enormous but everybody can find some sort of group that they're talking for or yeah you were different you were very

different then yeah i would it's so weird too that i i think about it and i think like if you say to me think of two stars i'll go okay well tom cruise and julia roberts but those are like i don't think they're the biggest stars around there's these people on the internet who squeeze their blackheads or something and they'll get like an uncontrollable mob to come see them. Yeah. But you always look at those people. It's just like there's always been people

who kind of... It's like they're like the Raymond J. Johnston of the... Oh, you mean Billy Saluga? Well, you can call oh you mean you can call me billy saluka you can call me ray and you can call me jay funny you bring him up don't have to call me johnson a man of mindset looked him up in the phone book and sent me his number today and said you got to have billy saluka on the show because for anybody who says like like there's all these talentless people these days, it's like, there's always been talentless people.

And they're just, I think they just come into your house now on your computer. Like, they have more, you've, there's less of a wall between you and them. They come to you now. But you were spinning records originally. I mean, your music is your background. I was doing a music show on WFMU, which is a station in New Jersey that's a listener-sponsored station. I was doing a music show, and then comedy kind of started creeping into it. And then there was just a point where it was like, let's just do a comedy show. It's just that's what I'm interested in doing, and this is the right fit.

Because I just grew up, radio is another, just growing up listening to radio. I was telling Gilbert that you were a fan, not of his politics, but of his broadcasting style as Bob Grant. Yeah. Did you ever listen to Bob Grant? Oh, yes. Sure, sure. Growing up here. When he would just, he was, I mean, he was just such a, I thought he was such a repellent human.

was such a like a repellent human but he knew how to be captivating on the radio and he would be so funny when somebody would he'd be like i'll be like hey bob what's going on how are you bobby and it got him so mad when anybody just said how are you was enough he'd be like what's on your mind bill he was always mad like because it's because they're burning up five seconds of the show asking, how are you? And then once if somebody was droning on, you'd hear him just pour a pitcher of water in the background, like filling up a glass. He just knew how to do that. I thought he was so funny. And then once in a while he would do this thing, gag hour where it was called gag the gag was get at grant and people could call and say anything to him and just insult him for a full hour and he would just

take it and it's like that was really funny stuff and it's just like that was a influence on me in just in terms of being just i guess being on and having a persona on the radio. And so, but yeah, he, he was, he was something else. You abuse a caller or two every now and then it's fun. Yeah. Oh, me? Oh yeah. No, I, it's like a, it's so unfair. People call and say something and then I just start talking about something else when they, they've been waiting a week, they've been waiting a week to say the thing they're going to say. They're on hold for an hour and a half, and they're trying to say the thing to be on topic,

and then I just start moaning about some other thing, and then they're just like, well, what is he talking about? I've got to drop what I was ready to say. It's not fair, but I don't know. There's a surreal aspect to it, too. I mean, there was a team that called and was depressed and you started playing i mentioned this to you on the phone you started playing the entire bridge over troubled water singing it because he was he seemed sad yeah and you know you listen to bridge over troubled water when you're sad he sings the entire record what every song el condor pasa and cecilia

keep the customer satisfied it's also i think seeing how long you keep the kid on the line to just be like i don't know what this guy's talking about now please tell me that you're you're lying about this you're a big fan of the movie clifford oh yeah I'm a huge fan. I love that movie so much. Is there a conflict? That, yeah. It's the Martin Short and Charles Grodin. We love Charles Grodin. Yeah. Trying to get him.

But when the two of them are in that movie, that's the whole thing. It's when you watch this movie, it's almost like one of those Jerry Lewis movies we were talking about where it's like Martin Short is probably 40 at this point and he's playing a 10 year old and he's in short pants and just but he knows it that's the thing unlike Jerry Lewis who's showing up oblivious and thinks he's pulling it off that he's like like people think I'm still the bellboy in this thing it's like Martin Short knows how nuts it is that he's playing a 10 year old against adults and they're kind of the thing where they have trenches dug in the thing so that he's little when he's dancing next to the adult like you know you just don't see shot from the knees down anything because he's clearly on a lower level so he's looks small yeah when him martin short and charles groden together in

that movie i think is some of the like i think they're so funny together because they're doing that kind of slow burn he like he martin short gets charles groden to do that him irritated is the funniest thing ever when charles groin is just fed up with something. And did you acquire something from the movie? Yeah, I bought one of his outfits from the movie. I admire that. Yeah, so I have the dinner jacket that Clifford wore to the big dinner party. You remember the dinner party scene, Gilbert?

Oh, that was so good. Have you actually seen Clifford? Yes. seen oh that was so good when have you actually seen clifford yes i remember when the movie came out uh martin short was at a press conference and the reporters were going well why were you pretending you're a kid why didn't they just get a child actor? And Martin Short, very snooty, goes, well, you know, to people who ask that question, I say, go see Problem Child. And I thought, well, thank you.

So this is like the East Coast, West Coast rap. Yeah, yeah. It's like Problem Child and Cliff clifford i didn't realize it stepped on the toes that was another great one alexander and karazuski's was that was such a great one oh yeah we love those guys yeah yeah just that where it's shaky audio because we were in a hotel room but other than that when when they said that for the second problem child movie that they wanted to shoot it on 16mm. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

It's like, that's not even a movie. How can they put that in a theater? There's so much here. Let's talk a little bit about music. And you've done shows. One of my favorites that I listened to was the worst songs of all time, and you took calls. And a lot of people brought up Starships We Built This City sure yeah lyrics by Bernie Taupin that's an annoying song

yeah it's a really bad one did you finally and we were talking on the phone and you said you didn't remember what the winner was I can't remember what the winner was of that was it Porcupine Pie it might have been Neil Diamond Porcupine Pie? It might have been by Neil Diamond. Porcupine Pie, the song that just sounds like he's just trying. It sounds like the kind of thing they would play when they're trying to get people at Waco or whatever to surrender, and they blast music at the compound. It's like that's the song that if they would play Porcupine Pie within a half hour, everybody would come out with their hands up and just surrender. I don't remember.

I know he did the – there was the creepiest song of all time. Oh, yeah, yeah. Talk about that. You do great lists. Which I think ended up being – was Young Girl by Gary Puckett. Now, do we have that? Do we have Young Girl by Gary Puckett. Now, do we have that? Do we have Young Girl by Gary Puckett, Frank? If you look at the lyrics to Young Girl, it's skin crawling.

Young girl, get out of my mind. My love for you is way out of line Better run, girl You're much too young, girl Out of two measures behind With all the charms of a woman You've kept the secret of your youth You led me to believe you're old enough All the charms of a woman you've kept. The secret of your youth. That's creepy.

You led me to believe you're old enough to give me love. He let Tom do it. He knows the world. And now it hurts to know the truth. All beneath your perfume. Made up. You're just a baby in disguise. made up. You're just a baby in disguise. And

though you know it is wrong to be alone with me. What happened to Tom? This is a solo. This is the best. The best thing I ever heard. Come on, Tom. I can't compete with that.

I can't compete with that. You know what? Let's shut the music off and just read this. Let's just read. Yes, that's the way to do it. It's wonderfully crazy. Oh, my God. You were about four minutes behind.

He says, all right, go ahead, Tom. Young girl, get out of my mind. Okay, already he's thinking about young girls. My love for you is way out of line, so he knows he's guilty. Yes. You're much too young. Yeah, you're much too young. Better run, girl.

Oh. Yeah, don't forget he's telling her to run. You're much too young, girl. You've kept the secret of your youth. Yeah. And then he's now blaming her because you led me to believe you're old enough to give me love. Oh, here, you're just a baby in disguise. Yeah, beneath your perfume and your makeup, you're just a baby in disguise.

That's the creepiest thing imaginable. That come on look is in your eyes. It's horrifying. So hurry home to your mama. Derek, cancel Gary Puckett. And Billy Crystal. And Harry Shearer. Yeah, the list of cancellations grows. That would be... Well, you know, we had Dana Gould here,

and he turned us on to the Dean Martin thing that you guys were talking about, where he's singing to the girl on the monkey bars or on the swings. Oh, no, I think I was the one that mentioned that one. What was the name of that thing? That was, yeah, yeah. I looked that one up.

Mm-hmm. There is Dean Martin, and, like Martin on the set of his show. Paul, maybe you can find this one. Research it for us. It's made to look like a children's playground with swings and slides. And Dean Martin's there with a bunch of real little girls. And Dean Martin's there in his tux and cigarette and little girls around in the playground going, I miss, but I've never done it with a real life girl.

Oh, that's it. It's called Real Live Girl. Yeah. But he's in a playground. Yes. Yeah. So it's like he had a stroke and then woke up

and he's doing that in a playground. No, he woke up and realized he's a pedophile. I don't even need to see anything more than that still. He's just holding a child. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And it just looks like he's a pedophile. Yeah. And he's around these little girls. It's so, so creepy. There's also Claire. Remember Claire by Gilbert O'Sullivan? Oh, Claire, the man that I'm with you, I swear. But it's implied.

A baby. Well, it's implied that he's her uncle or a babysitter. It's a little strange. Yeah, and then she giggles at the end. She's clearly a toddler. Yes, yes. It's a little disturbing. Maybe his heart was in the right place. Was that Gilbert O'Sullivan?

Yep, Gilbert O'Sullivan. Yeah. Yeah. And then he also had- Alone Again Naturally. Oh, yeah. And you give me the creeps when you hop up on your feet, so get down. Get down. Very down, get down.

Very good. You're a bad dog, baby, but I still want you around. Once upon a time, we drank a little wine. I think he remembers Tom. Was as happy as can be. No stopping him. Happy as can be. Now I'm just like a cat on a hot tin roof.

Baby, what do you think you're doing to me? I have the single. So it's like a cry for help with that guy. Every song is like. That time he was singing to a dog. That's a dog. That wasn't so bad. That's a song to a dog.

Which is a whole other subgenre. Kind of like the son of Sam. Yeah, it's Gilbert O'S gilbert o sullivan and david berkowitz what if they were singing what if it was the same dog that they were that they were dealing with oh my god all right i'm gonna read these real quick because i love your lists i love that you did the creepiest songs i love you now gilbert would get a kick out of this. But Death Wish 3. Yeah. Yes.

Because it's like I'm fascinated by Death Wish 3 where the first one comes out in the 70s. And it's like, I think it's like five people. He shoots like four or five people in it. Yeah. Then the second one, he goes to L.A. and shoots like seven people. Yeah. And then the third movie, he shoots 200 people. Oh, yeah. It's like a gang has taken over the neighborhood and he's blasting away at them.

Yeah, he's like Rambo. I think Rambo came out between the movies, so I think everybody needed this body count now. So suddenly Bronson's rolling through New York just mowing people down. Oh, yes. Just running down the street, just shooting. It's like that would be the biggest story in American history that 200 people were shot in a giant gang riot. Well, we had Stuart Margolin.

It was in the first one. Yeah? Yeah, we had him here. I know you're a Rockford Files guy. In those later Death Wish movies, at least there, there was still a gang, a street gang. But then it was like fighting the mob and everything. It's like, no, no, that's not what Death Wish is. No.

And a lot of those also, like Bronson's kind of like sitting in a chair. Oh, yes. Kind of just like telling guys to go. Like I think the fifth one, I think he kind of had helpers. Yes. And he was like the commander of like his squad. And Bronson had it in his contract like that he doesn't work past a certain hour

so they would have to I think they do a lot of scenes where okay just pick up your gun and shoot okay now pick up your gun again and shoot now turn your head and shoot the gun and they'd attach it to someone falling down like Fred McMurray in My Three

Sons where they would like shoot him out at the staircase for the season. They'd be just like all the – or whatever, like a run of episodes. All his scenes at the base of the staircase, they would just shoot like five episodes worth of him at the staircase just saying whatever he's saying upstairs to the kids. Or they'd have him in an easy chair in the living room. Was he in that bad a shape that they had to just— I just think he didn't want to be there. Oh, he didn't want to be there. Yeah, he was already a movie star.

Right. And this was a drop-down, so he said, I'll do it, but I wanted all my stuff done in a day. The interesting thing about Bronson, too, was it Stewart that told us this, that he had to wear his sister's hand-me-downs when he was a kid? Yes. That he had to wear girls' clothes. He sometimes had to wear his sister's dress because he had no money. The stuff you learn on this show.

The weird thing is that Stuart Margolin knew that. That's very disturbing. What was Charles Bronson telling him? Charles Bronson. Charles Buchinski. Charles Bronson used to be roommates with Jack Klugman. That's correct. Yeah.

Yeah. And, of course, House of Wax, where he's, you know, House of Wax with Vincent Price. He's under his old name. Oh, and he's in a Tracy Hepburn movie. Is he? Yeah. He plays some gangster, a henchman.

There's a great commercial he did for this cologne in Japan. I saw that. Oh, yes. I saw that. It's so weird. It's the weirdest thing. It's like man something, man great or something like that where he's like pouring this he's shirtless he's dancing around this this apartment he's

splashing this cologne all over him firing a gun behind his back did you see the one the japanese the Japanese commercial with Michael J. Fox? No. What happens? Oh, my God. He is like, he's like clipping hedges in a yard. And then like some big Japanese, he's making weird sculptures of the hedges. And some big fat Japanese woman sees him and gets angry and then he makes this weird

face rolling his eyes around and holding his clippers in the air and jumping up and down. And then is that the one that Meredith Baxter Burney was so mad about? Where she gets shit on by Michael.

They put in a very intricate Japanese glass coffee table. Really? Well, it's actually a glass tea table. And what were they advertising? What was it for? Was it for the tables? It was for Windex. Windex. Windex.

All right. You know, we're going to get to these lists the next time we have you back, Tom. Oh, my God. Because there's too much on here. Oh, God. We do this so much. What do you want to plug? What's coming up? Well, I do the that's just like a wide

open thing for You left out I know it's not divorce. You should have mentioned divorce. I wish we had video sometimes. I wish people could see your face. Well, you know, I have a fair amount of free time now. You guys, anybody wants to hang out?

You can see a movie or whatever. Well, you're doing Steven Universe. Yeah, I'm around for that. I'm around for pretty much, I don't know if you guys here at Nutmeg need the hallway sweep or whatever. No, I do the radio show, The Best Show, every Tuesday night. So that people can check out over at thebestshow.net. And we do it live on Tuesday nights. It goes up as a podcast the next day.

It's hilarious. And you're not going to be playing cards with Thomas Hayden Church. Well, Gilbert, you never know where life takes you. That's true. We'll get to these lists next time because they're pretty special. I might turn around and I might just say to him, go fish. Like six months from now, I'll be just saying to him, I have two sevens. And he'll say, I don't even know how you play Go Fish. I'm making up how you play Go Fish.

Before we jump, and maybe we'll go out with a song, do you even remember working with this man? Because you worked with him. Oh, yeah. Yes. It's worth mentioning. He says to me on the phone, he says, you know, Gilbert came in and did some stuff for us, but he won't remember.

I guarantee it was an Adult Swim video we were doing where you and I walked down the street eating ice cream. I remember that now. There you go. I remember that now. It was a fun day, and you came, and you did it, and you were great, and we were so appreciative that you did it. Yeah, that was for an Adult Swim, like an infomercial that they were doing.

Did anyone ever see it? Well, they ran it at 4 in the morning, which was why they, that was the point. I don't think we told you that when, when we were trying to get you to do it, they might have left that out of the, the, the information of what you were signing on for. Um, yeah, it's online. People saw it. It was, it was, it was a lot fun, and you were so great to do it. So thank you.

There's so much we didn't get to, and we didn't talk about Kiss or Chris Elliott or the Beach Boys or all this other stuff, and we'll get to it next time. Or you and Chuck Woolery's Twitter war, which people can find out about online if they're curious. People should also just check him out now. He has his goatee now. Chuck Woolery has this goatee, which is just solid white, but he's still got his hair as like pitch black and this white coat. I thought it was like a Halloween costume when I saw him. We were talking on the phone about why it's a strange thing that so many game show hosts are ultra-conservatives,

like Pat Sajak and Wink Martindale and apparently Chuck Woolery. Yeah. I don't know why. I guess it runs in that game. I guess they think that they're – Odd. Yeah. You know, they look at people and they just think, you know, let's get your act together, everybody.

Brian, why can't you be like me? We didn't get to Kelsey Grammer either, and I urge our listeners to check out. Just Google Tom Sharpley and Kelsey Grammer. Yes. You'll be glad you did. Thank you for having me here. I hope you had fun. Oh, I had so much fun.

I hope you enjoyed being roasted. Oh. Well, first I should do the goodbye. You want to do the goodbye first? Oh, either way. Well, Tom is something of an Elton John fan, which I discovered from listening to The Best Show. And he confirmed it on the phone. And he does a bitchin' version of Someone Saved My Life Tonight on his show.

So, Maestro Verterosa. Don't go breaking my heart I couldn't if I tried Oh honey, if I get restless Baby, you're not that kind. Don't go breaking my heart. You take the weight off me. Honey, when you knock on my door. Oh, I gave you my key.

Ooh. Nobody knows it. When I was down, I was your clown. Nobody knows it. Nobody knows it. Right from the start. I gave you my heart. Oh! I gave you my heart. So don't go breaking

my heart. I won't go breaking your heart. Don't go breaking my heart. Don't go breaking my... And nobody... And nobody told us... Slow down, that's the next part.

And nobody told us... Cause nobody showed us... And now it's up to us, babe. Ooh, I think we can make it So don't misunderstand me You put the light in my fire Oh, you put the spark to the flame

I got your heart in my sights Oh, yeah. Woo-hoo! the flame I got your heart in my sights nobody knows it when I was down I was your clown Nobody knows it Right from the start I gave you my heart Oh I gave you my heart Don't go breaking my heart

I won't go breaking your heart Don't go breaking my Don't go breaking my I won't go breaking your heart. Don't go breaking my... I won't go breaking your heart. Is that enough? I surrender. That was just wrong. Oh, my God. That was so funny.

Tom, you're game for anything. God bless you. Thank you for having me here. That was so much. I'm glad you had fun. So, I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And, oh, and we're once again at Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Furtarosa.

Thank you, Frankie. Nutmeg with our engineer, Frank Ferdarosa. Thank you, Frankie. And we're happy to have someone who's taking time off from the hit show. It's always important when you're in show business to take a step out every once in a while so you can reflect. And before you go back in. And I'm going to tell our listeners to listen to the best show with Tom Sharpling and his partner, John Wurst.

And it's hilarious. Thank you. Thank you, Tom. Give our best to Sarah Jessica Boston. And don't insult her husband like Gilbert did. I thought that Ferris Bueller's Day Off was a piece of shit. I heard that one. Yeah, yeah.

What did you think of Ferris Bueller's Day Off? He's a sport. I think he's just a horrible human in it. Yes, yes. He's the problem with everything. He's bumming everybody out, and he's selfish. Yeah, he's a horrible person. Yeah, yeah.

I do like when he, when Jeffrey Jones is like, so that's what goes on in that family or whatever. But then you realize what's going on in Jeffrey Jones' family. Oh, God, did Joe? Yeah. Eric, cancel Jeffrey Jones. Sorry. He can't do the best show. That's one of those terrible things where you go, and he's such a good actor, too.

I like watching him. And Amadeus. Yeah, great in that. And he was a lot of fun in Devil's Advocate. And Beetlejuice. Yeah. Yeah. I'm exhausted.

That was, yeah. Really funny. That's 109 degrees in here. Thank you, Tom Sharpling. Well, thanks for having me. Thank you. No more, please. No more.

I can't. I can't. Thank you.