Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 186. Art Metrano

Episode Date: December 18, 2017

Another of Gilbert and Frank's favorite funnymen, actor and comedian Art Metrano looks back on his 50+ year career in film and television, his friendships with performers like Cornel Wilde, Elliott Gould and Robert Mitchum and his miraculous (and inspirational) recovery from a life-threatening injury. Also, Johnny Carson cracks up, Huntz Hall measures up, Buddy Hackett lays even money and Art parties with Lenny Bruce (and Clint Eastwood). PLUS: Jim Brown! "Night of the Hunter"! Raymond Burr goes it alone! The suavity of Dean Martin! The strangeness of Merv Griffin! And Art remembers the late, great Marvin Kaplan! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. That's the sound of unaged whiskey transforming into Jack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey in Lynchburg, Tennessee. Around 1860, Nearest Green taught Jack Daniel how to filter whiskey through charcoal for a smoother taste, one drop at a time. This is one of many sounds in Tennessee with a story to tell. To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com. Tennessee sounds perfect. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and we're once again recording at Nutmeg with our engineer,

Frank Verderosa. Our guest this week is a stand-up comedian and actor and one of the most visible and popular performers on television and in films throughout the 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s. You know his work from dozens of TV shows, including Rowan and Martin's Laughin' Bewitched, the Tim Conway Comedy Hour, Ironside Charlie's Angels, Barney Miller, The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, L.A. Law, The Golden Girls, Chicago Hope,

and most notably, well, to us anyway, the short-lived Chicago Teddy Bears, in which he co-starred with former podcast guests Jamie Farr and Marvin Kaplan. Feature films include Breathless, Mel Brooks' History of the World, Toys, Teachers, How Stella Got Her Groove Back, and Police Academy 2 and Police Academy 3, in which he played the ruthless and conniving Lieutenant Mouser. the ruthless and conniving Lieutenant Mouser. In a career spanning seven decades, he's worked with showbiz legends such as Dean Martin, James Garner, Sammy Davis Jr., Robert Mitchum, George Raft, and Lenny Bruce, as well as former podcast guests John Amos, Lee Grant, Ron Liebman,

Jessica Walter, and Barry Levinson. Please welcome a man whose name has come up on this show more than a few times. The Amazing Matrano. Also known. It's like turning on the light in a refrigerator. You know, you want to do five. Since you said The Amazing Matrano, I had to go. It's a sickness. It's an automatic.

This, of course, is Art Matrano. And now that bit that you did, to describe it to the audience, you were like a magician without any magic tricks, really. Oh, I had great tricks if you think those tricks were not difficult uh mr gilbert i mean that's why the world was doing them because people could do them i mean i'll never forget when i uh we started this whole thing uh we were on the loman and barclay show with barry levinson and amos rudy deluca mclean stevenson uh joni gerber i mean craig t nelson we all get to craig t nelson oh i love

craig he's a good man and we all got together at rudy deluca's house and we're all getting pretty smashed smoking drinking before you know it all those guys got up and started to do an improv. And all of a sudden, I was motivated. I got up. I picked up a napkin. I went, da, da, da, da. And I stuck it in my right hand. And I hit it.

And you couldn't see it. I made a big display. And then I pulled it out from the bottom. Like, what a big fucking deal that was. And I shifted over. And I did my card trick. And I did all these stupid, funny tricks that people at the party loved. And Rudy called me up the next day.

He says, you really got to develop that and bring it to the producers of Loman and Barclay. So the next day, I went in with Rudy, and I told him what it was. I showed him. They want to put me on right away. I said, no, let me just, give me a week. And a week later, I went on, and that particular show was so crazy we were at nbc and burbank and the audience went wild and my career the next day the della reese show called i did her show with sandy baron oh sandy baron uh he lived in my guest house and he owed me money. Sorry to hear that.

Funny man. Very funny. But I'll tell you something. Wait. When he died, he owed me $7,000. And all of a sudden, some woman calls me and identifies herself and said, Sandy left you the money that he had. I said, where did he get it? He always said he was poor.

He said, oh, he made hundreds of thousands of dollars just on his comedy records. And it was always getting checks. Wow. It was never paying anybody. Wow. Jewish guy, when they die, they want to hold on to everything. So he paid off his debt. Sandy Barron. Shock. It was the shock of all shocks. I love Sandy, but he, you know, he was just, he just got all messed up with drugs and stuff. The last time I saw him, he was with an emphysema, you know, sucking up air from a tank. Too bad.

It was sad. Modern audiences would know him as Klumpus from Seinfeld. Yeah, right, right. But he had a long career. He's in Broadway, Danny Rose rose of course it was tremendous and i remember in your magic act you would do things like you'd have your finger up in your right hand slap your hands together and then your finger would be up in your left hand right and all time, you just tell me, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Well, when I was a kid, I used to go up to the Catskill Mountains,

and they always had the opening acts. And the opening acts are always doing, you know, Fine and Dandy or Getting to Know You, Getting to Know All of Them. All those bullshit introduction kind of songs that the main act wanted to come perform. And that tune, Finance Danny, stayed with me. And as soon as I got up that night, it was there. And it was just all these stupid things.

I would move a chair. I got on top of the chair, made a big deal. I'd reach up, and I make believe I was turning off a light bulb. I'd take off the light bulb and then I stick my finger up into the sock and I went down. My whole body is like I was being electrified. Whatever I do, whatever I did, people laughed. You appeared on everything back then doing that. I did. I did.

I did. Including Carson. Yeah, but Johnny was the best because when I got on that show in New York, I was backstage getting ready. And you know how you're talking to yourself. It's not an easy job to go out there. And they're going to like me, you know, all this bullshit that goes on in your head. And I kept saying, I'm going to kill him.

I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him. And I got a knock on the door from the stage manager. He says, Mr. Metrano, we're running late. So when you do your act, take a bow and get right off. I says, thanks. Very nice. Very nice. I'll do that and he left and sure enough brought me on stage johnny introduced me and i heard doc severson play me on with his great fine and dandy orchestration and then so i broke out into this data data routine and right from the get-go the audience got it and they're laughing and i'm doing it and I'm rolling up my pants to show I can make one leg disappear. He took his leg out of the shoe. Leg out of the shoe.

All these stupid things. And all of a sudden, I hear even a bigger laugh. Well, I found out later that bigger laugh came from Johnny, who was sitting on that chair with the rollers on it. He laughed so hard, he back with an office chair. Now, I didn't see this, but Wally Amos, who was my manager, the famous Amos Chalk, he was my manager, the first black manager at William Morris, who told me after the show when it happened, I said, geez, I thought I was really killing him. He says, no, you were killing them. But when Johnny

fell, it was like like what's going on here so now the my act ends i take a bow i turn to leave and johnny waves me to the couch oh nice as i'm walking over under my breath i said fuck you stage manager you know i remember all the years doing stand-up, it's like we would watch other comics on Carson. And it was like, you know, a big deal. You go, ooh, Carson kind of wiped his eye there. Or he gave a grin. You made Carson hit the ground.

I did. Yeah. I did. the ground i did yeah i did and you know i didn't realize how much he liked the routine until i found out he wanted to be he was an amateur magician yeah carsoni and i oh is that why he does that yeah yeah he well he wasn't he was a magician well i didn't know that so that's why he took to my act right away and he kept bringing me back and we had to think of new ideas. One of them that we came up with while he was really funny, he said, since you're just going dot, dot, dot, dot, dot,

he said, let's go into a room and record you for 10 minutes, just going dot, dot, dot. And we'll take that tape and we'll put it in a box and on it will have your face and at the end of the bit with and and and we'll put that in your pocket and then you'll come out and all you'd hear is and i wasn't doing anything because i was lip syncing and while i was lip sync i said what are the funny things i could do so i took out a bowling ball and i rolled it down the stage and you hear because we recorded a bowling ball and i rolled it down the stage and you hear because we recorded a bowling ball and then you hear crash the pins break like wow look at that i got the the ball and i throw a ball up and i swing at it like i was gonna hit a baseball out of the park

and then all of a sudden you hear a window break you know i kept just emphasizing all these stupid things i was doing and uh it just killed it was just you know the people that followed me i kept thinking about like albert brooks and steve maughan two of the greatest especially steve oh the slide yeah oh like everything he did steve is just a genius he has a play play on Broadway, Media Showers. Don't miss it. Oh, okay. Amy Schumer and that guy Key from Key and Peele. Oh, yeah.

Keegan-Michael Key. Don't miss that show. You know what I love? Go ahead, Art. Don't go, Frank. I was going to ask you, did it evolve over the years? I mean, now I was watching them. They're all over YouTube.

There's one where you're lighting it's a marshmallow with a cigarette lighter which i also love were you were you were you constantly thinking i gotta refresh this i gotta go was it pretty sad from the beginning or was it were you always throwing new stuff into it every time i smoked the joint i would come up with some new stuff i swear to god i came up with some stuff that was so crazy. I had a whole bunch of penis jokes that went with da-da-da-da. It's the piece of music that makes it work.

What were your penis jokes with da-da-da-da? Well, I'd be there naked with my penis and I'd take my penis, and I'd wrap it around my index finger. Look, jewelry, jewelry, jewelry. Then I'd take it, and I'd tuck my dick between my balls, and as you couldn't see it, it was like a vagina. I would turn around, and you'd see my dick from my asshole.

I'd look, a flying duck. I mean, I did crazy stuff, man. Nobody would listen to this. It was good for parties. And did you ever do this on the Merv Griffin show or anything? Yeah, right. Merv Griffin was a strange guy. Yeah.

You know, of all the shows I've done, he was, you know, I did David Frost with John Denver. And David Frost was so much smarter, calmer than, Merv was like so uptight about everything. I never understood him. You know, we were talking about the precision of comedy and the choices made. That song is so

perfect you know what i'm saying gil oh absolutely if it was a different piece of music art that you chose it might not be as funny but the song the piece of music is so ridiculous and what what the woman and the woman that wrote it her name was k swift k swift I had, and I mad lunch with her at the Palm Restaurant in the plaza many years ago. And she thanked me for doing that song because obviously her royalty started coming in.

That's great. She just loved me. She owes you. And she told me the story that she wrote that song after breaking her arm and leg and she was doing a show on Broadway,

and the lyrics are, Gee, it's all fine and dandy, Sugar Candy, when I'm with you, It was all about being happy and up, and there she's lying in the bed with a broken arm and a broken leg. I thought that's a great story because I never knew. I just thought Friday was such an upbeat, you know, high, you know, it's just like you're right.

It's a perfect. But now it's so associated with you that I don't think anybody could ever hear it and take it seriously. It's the Art Matrano song. You can't believe it was ever a song before you started doing it. Didn't Mel Brooks jump out at you once, like jump out of a bush or before you started doing this? Didn't Mel Brooks jump out at you once? Like jump out of a bush or something and start doing this? Yes.

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I just shit a pod on a podcast. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Podcast. Silly little podcast. Starring Frank and Gilbert. silly little podcast starring frank and gilbert searing through my bones all right already back to the show tell us about growing up in bensonhurst because you told me something funny on the phone and gilbert was thrilled when he found out you were Sephardic Jew and not Italian. Yes, I thought, when I heard, when I was looking at the name, all these years, Art Matrano.

And it's in a vowel? Yeah, and I thought, oh, Frank, I'm the fucking guinea on this show. But no. I always say, I'm a Spanish Jew. Como estas, Ned? Baruch atah Adonai. Spanish Jew. Tell Gil what you told me on the phone

about the Italian kids in the neighborhood, though. That was funny. Well, let me, first of all, with Sephardic Jews, you have to know we're the first Jews to come to America. We built the very first temple, and it was a famous guy named Dr. David Solopoulos. I'm not sure of his name.

But they came here, and we're a very proud group because growing up in Brooklyn, my real name was Arthur Messistrano. But when my father went to work in the garment center, nobody could pronounce it. So he got rid of the SIS and we became Metrano. And it was interesting because on my block, there were mostly Italians and Jews. And there were some very orthodox Jews who thought I was Italian. And the old Jew, he would wear a yarmulke and a talus and a this and a that. And he would call me and he'd come, come, come, come with me, come with me. I want to show you something, maybe.

And he'd open the door to his apartment. I'd climb up all his staircase. Hey, see the light? Turn the light on for me. Uh-huh. Yeah, and over by the oven. Can you turn on the oven? Sure.

Thank you very much. I was the Shabbos Goy, and he didn't realize I was a Jew. What do you think? It was so terrible. Anyway, so go ahead. Oh, Frank asked me to ask you a story you have about another name that's popped up on this show a bunch of times. And that's from the Bowery Boys. You worked with Hunts Hall. Oh, you're going right in for it, huh?

Yeah. At the 20-minute mark. My God, he was my hero. I swear to God, I couldn't believe I was working with the dead-end kids, the East End, whatever, and he told me stories about Gorsy. What a brilliant mind. He made all the contracts. Yeah.

He never wrote anything down. And, of course, Hunt's had one of the biggest dicks as Warner Brothers. There you go. Hunt's Hall. Wait, wait, wait. Hunt's Hall had one of the biggest dicks? I knew it was going to make him happy. Oh, this, wait. Hunts Hall had one of the biggest dicks? I knew it was going to make him happy. Oh, this is great.

So Hunts told me about all the fucking he was doing with all the young actresses. And then because I lived on the other side of the hill near the Beverly Hills area, the Friars, who was running with Buddy Hackett, Milton Berle, Norm Crosby, all those guys. Buddy got into a feud with all the Goyim actors, Ward Bond, John Wayne, Forrest Tucker, that all lived in Burbank, claiming that Forrest Tucker had the biggest dick. Buddy said, well. So Buddy says, listen, I'll tell you something. I have a feeling that Milton Berle's got a bigger cock than Forrest.

So betting pursued, and it got him to like $30,000, $40,000 was being waged. Milton Berle hears this story, runs to the Friars, sees Buddy, and says, Buddy, what the fuck are you doing? I have a contract, a moral clause with NBC. What are you, nuts? I get $150,000 a year clear. And if they find out about this, I'm going to lose it all. Buddy says, just do me a favor, Milton.

Take out enough to win. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. So that's the origin of that story. Oh, yeah, yeah. Now, when Hunch Hall pulled his stick out, did he go, ooh, ooh? Hunch Hall was the best. He was so good, this kid. You know, could you imagine, you know, you grow up as a youngster in Brooklyn,

and, you know, all you see is the Bowery boys. You know, it was just amazing to be in his presence. And he told me some great stories. And, of course, again, his dick always was the center of conversation. Tell us a little bit more about Chicago Teddy Bear since we brought it up, Art. And you worked with John Banner. You were telling me on the phone you loved. Yeah, I fell in love with John.

John seemed to remind me of my father, except my father was a mean, tough Turk. Now, John Banner, that's Schultz. Sergeant Schultz. Yeah. I know nothing. Yes, exactly. He was so beautiful. I loved talking to him. He was into opera. He was he I grew up with him on that on those 13 weeks. Sure. It was. Yeah. How about Mike Mazurki? such a warm guy.

You know, he looked like an animal that can bite off your head. Yes, indeed. And, you know, when you talk with him and think of all the movies he did with the Bogarts and, you know, it just was amazing. And then I ended up doing a number of Dr. Pepper commercials with him, and we were dressed in these frog outfits. We looked ridiculous. He was just great. I mean, the whole cast was great.

And the director, High Averbach, was fabulous. High Averbach, sure. Oh, he had a great sense of timing. F-Troop guy. Whatever. He was just great. And all of a sudden, he gets in a fight with Warner Brothers. They fire him, and they hire Jerry Thorpe.

Why? Because he directed The Untouchables. I said, oh, that's really good. He'll bring a lot of humor to our show. And John Banner, actually, he and his family were in the concentration

camps. They were, exactly. He had a bunch of numbers he once showed me, and I said, oh my God. He says, yeah, I played these last year and won $10 million. I said, really? He says, yeah, what'd you do with the money? He said, I gave it to the Nazis. How about our pal Marvin Kaplan?

Art, we had him on this show. Yeah, Marvin's very cool. He is what he is. Marvin, you know, he's just, you know, he's a nerd. He really is. Yeah, he was a nerd. I understand. We loved him.

We had him here. Such a sweet man. I mean, did they get any sweeter than Marvin? No. He was exactly what you'd imagine him to be. Exactly. Do you think he was playing a role in a TV show? That's Marvin.

Yeah. He was wonderful. I want to get back to that Brooklyn stuff because that's where everything really got started for me. And I lived in this place. It was really strange for me because between a lot of Italians and a lot of Jews. But the Italians on my block happened to be very tough and I do a joke in my play I said yeah they had their own church called a lady of lucky Luciano this is in Bensonhurst huh in Bensonhurst it was the only church with a body in the blood of Christ

was referred to as the evidence. Half the people that lived in my neighborhood wanted to move to the suburbs. The other half were on the witness protection program. During the summer, the Italian kids went to Camp Cosa Nostra where they played hide and go testify. Camp Cosa Nostra where they played hide and go testify.

Camp Cosa Nostra. There was one Italian guy who lived on my block. He was so big he looked like he wore a crucifix with a real guy on it. He used to yell at me, hey Jew boy, hey kite, come over here.

I said, I'm not a kite i'm not jewish i'm italian he said you're italian i said yeah i'm italian he said say something in italian i said get in the fucking trunk you went to high school with sandy koufax lafayette did indeed yeah yeah yeah and peter Max and some other people. Peter Max. Fred Wilpon. Fred Wilpon, sure. Fred Wilpon was a starting pitcher for us because Sandy Koufax couldn't get the ball over the plate.

Yeah. And one day when I was trying out, he was a senior. I was a sophomore. And I had his catcher's glove on. He said, would you catch me? I said, sure. I went on. We we went he didn't have a mound over there he was on flat dirt and i got behind i didn't wear a mask or i said there's no batter in the box i said all right sandy let me see what you got and that ball came at me so fast it looked like it was dancing and i said my god this motherfucker's gonna kill me and then i asked him i said all right throw it'd be a curveball and the curveball would come from

the sky and would drop i mean i never seen anything like it the trouble was in high school he couldn't get it off the plate incredible so he played first base and got a basketball scholarship to Cincinnati he's one of the few six foot two Jewish guys who could dunk and he had a huge pair of hands and that's when he got to college started to pitch again and then the Dodgers who had a team was Montreal was their uh oh yeah right the farm. It was the farm team in those days. And he went up to Montreal, came back down to Bensonhurst, and started playing for the Dodgers, but he couldn't get the ball over the plate.

They thought he was going to kill somebody. And so he comes back to Bensonhurst, and there was a guy whose father drove the Journal American truck, and he was very much into baseball, especially pitches and catches. So he grabbed ahold of Sandy, and he said, Sandy, come to my backyard. And he had on a tree a tire with a regular truck tire. And he said, we're going to mark off to 60 feet, and all I want you to do is throw the tooth a hole.

So, of course, Sandy, with all his speed and power, kept hitting the outside of the rubber. And the story goes, Larry Laurie said, slow it down. Just get it through the hole. And then he started getting it through the hole. And then the rest was fucking history. Yeah, great history. There you go, Gilbert, a Jewish athlete.

Maybe arguably the best pitcher of all time because his career was shortened. Well, you know, back in those days, they didn't have that Job operation. Yeah, the Tommy John surgery. Tommy John surgery. Yeah. So growing up in Brooklyn, Art,

and how the hell do you have, your family is not in show business at all. How the hell, how the hell did you find yourself performing? Well, my mother was a singer and, uh, we'd go up to the Catskill mountains when we were really poor.

We stayed in lanes. They were bungalows that had one big kitchen and they were a lane of spots where the women would cook their dinners for their family. That was the cooker lanes. And then we eventually, my father started making more money in the garment center, and we started going to some really nice hotels. And one of my favorite was the Browns,

where Jerry Lewis would appear every once in a while playing softball. On Tuesday nights, there was a guest night where my mother would go and sing her favorite song, Besame Mucho. And while she was singing with her sequined gown and the way the audience loved her, and the conductor would take this big wide long uh handkerchief out of his pocket and put it by my mother's torso and and swing with it and the clarinet player would be playing and she'd be saying and i'm looking at my mother so my god, oh, my God, that's beautiful, Ma. And she always made me laugh, and she always made me do these little ditties.

Every time I'd get in trouble with my father, she loved me when I did this little kid thing I used to do. I got a dear little dolly, and her eyes are bright blue. She can open and shut them, and she stares at me, too. In the morning, I dress her, and I look up her and play. Stick her sits at the bed bed and I forgot the rest. And that was what went on between me and my mother.

So watching your mother, even though she was an amateur performer, she wasn't a professional, but watching your mother do that and you got the bug? Well, you know, seeing her and like I said, all the comics that I saw in those days. On the comics. Did you see Martin and Lewis live? No, I never saw Martin and Lewis.

Okay. No. Just Jerry. I saw Jerry live. And I saw Dean many times. Yeah. And you know what's funny? This is something that always struck me that's popped up on the show a few times, like Jackie Gleason, Gene Wilder, and Jan Murray all used to entertain their mothers.

Right. They'd go out and see a show, and they'd go back and act it out for their mothers. Where'd you hear that story? I just heard it separately, each one talking about it in interviews. Well, that's, you know, my mother, one, she never pushed me, but she always thought I was funny, and she'd always comment on that. And she always had a thing in her heart for me that was very special. And I remember I couldn't have been more than 10 or 12 years old.

My mother had this feeling of service to help the poor. My father didn't like her for doing that, so we were always pretty quiet about it. But she had this black family that lived in Stuyvesant. And we used to pack up boxes with toiletries and canned foods and all kinds of things. And we'd get on a bus and we'd travel, I don't know, 20 minutes to one spot, take another bus. And then all of a sudden we're in Bedford-Stuyvesant

and you can see these young black kids uh doing these these girls jumping rope like I've never seen before and and then we'd ring this bell and this inside the uh apartment which was just like that the peel was painting off the wall and Miss Williamsiams would answer and my mother would say it's becky oh and we'd run up there and he'd climb up you know whatever four or five flights and my mother would have to stop and i said you okay ma she said i had six children wait till you have six children and then we'd continue and uh mrs williams would open the door and she'd be like uh grateful like my mother was a god she kissed her hand and it was crazy and uh i got that from my mother that's nice and that yeah and i have a poem i want to share i live my life by i think i do there is a destiny that

makes us brothers no one goes too far alone and all that you put into the lives of others comes right back into your own very nice wow profound so she was kind of your hero art it sounds like uh the biggest yeah very special you studied with stella radler is that is that how you got into the show business for the most part no or was it no while in college and when I graduated high school I did my only play because the coach the football coach wouldn't let you do anything except play football uh-huh and I was in a play with Paul Savino called stage door oh wow, wow. And when that play was over, the high school teacher said, when you get to college, take some fine arts courses. So I took her advice, and I immediately signed up for some fine arts drama classes.

I also signed up because I knew all the great pussy was there. That's why Gilbert went into the business right so you know I went in there and I started doing all these plays and I had this wonderful teacher who was uh directing them and cut to all of a sudden I'm in uh I'm in the Far East entertaining people in Jakarta, along with Deanne Warwick, Jonathan Winters, Peter Graves. And I'm there, and all of a sudden, I get a call from Rodney saying, they want you in a play in London.

I said, I'm here. Well, I got my shorts and T-shirts. He said, I have to get home, go to L.A., pack my bags, and head back to London. He said, fine, I'll tell them you're coming. They'll have a script waiting for you when you get home. I get home. I see my wife, my kids. The next day, repack.

I'm off to London. I get off. I take a cab to the stage door of the Globe Theater. I get out. I'm wearing a cape and a black hat that I stole from Bonanza. And I'm, you know, feeling really English, you know. And, you know, being in this place and, and it was raining, it was just perfect. And the stage door guy brings me back to the stage where this director,

Elijah Moschinsky, is directing these famous cast of English actors, you know, Keith Baxter, Kate, Kate O'Mara, John Quayle, Paul Maxwell, on and on and on. And he begins to introduce me to all the other actors who have been rehearsing for two weeks. I play the part of a producer named Sidney Black. And he's introduced me. Art Mitranov, this is your wife, Kate O'Mara. This over here is Keith Baxter. He plays the director. This is Maxine Audley. She plays her mother-in-law.

And this is Maxim Popovich. He plays, excuse me, and this is Paul Maxwell, and he plays the director. So I'm shaking hands with everybody. I get up to Paul Maxwell, and I look at him. I said, you're not Paul Maxwell. Your real name is Maxim Popovich and you were my drama coach at the College of Pacific in Stockton, California. And there's a long pause. All the actors on the stage think this fucking guy is nuts.

And after a long pause, Paul Maxwell says, yes, my real name is Maxim Popovich. And the next, next, that night, I got a call at my hotel from his wife

saying what you did for Paul was amazing because all those years he spent as a professor at that college, he thought was a waste of his time until you showed up playing the lead role in this play that's nice out of him yeah it was that was really some moment in my life and how did you get involved in the police academy pictures which were monster hits back then? Monster. God, they made so much money.

I got a call from my agent to go read for this part, Lieutenant Mouser. And I showed up and there were so many guys that could have played the role. I recognized quite a few of them. I had worked very hard on the sides. They send you sides that you're going to read for the audition. And I brought in a fellow actor of mine, my friend Bob Dunlap, to read with me. And I had a way of learning all my lines. I wanted to know them so that when I went there even though i held the pages in my hand

i didn't really want to look at the pages i wanted to try to give the best i can in an audition you don't get too many shots and i really nailed it and uh the producer paul meslansky said the same thing everyone says who did you study you study with? It's all the bullshit. And then I got hired, and it was, I love working with Jerry Paris. Oh, Jerry Paris, right. Yeah. Yeah, the legendary Jerry Paris. God, he did, he was in Marty. Yeah.

He was, you know, he did all the Dick Van Dyke shows. Jerry Halper, the dentist, yeah. Yeah, right, exactly. But he had a big career, just for our listeners, he had a the Dick Van Dyke shows. Jerry Halper, the dentist, yeah. Yeah, right, exactly. But he had a big career, just for our listeners, he had a bigger career as a director, working for Gary Marshall, Happy Days. Correct. Oh, those were good times.

Yeah, I did that one show for Gary Marshall called Joanie Loves Chachi. Oh, yes. Yeah. I thought we were going to make a lot of money. I was so happy until Scott Bale's father demanded more money for Scott. And Gary Nardino, who ran the company, and Gary Marshall said, fuck him. He said, I'm going to go.

I'm going to do movies, Gary said. The show ended. And we got to get to a rough point in your life and that you did a one-man show about. And that's when you decided, well, you were repairing your roof, I think. I was, every time I made a great deal of money in movies and television, I didn't know what to do with it. You know, in the bank, it didn't mean anything. So I got involved with this general contractor and I like working with my hands. And so I teamed up with him. I'd put up the money and we'd find a house. So we'd

rehab it and then sell it for a profit. And I was very successful at it because as an actor, you're not working unless you're in a series. You know, you're waiting every, you work a month, you're off a month, whatever it was. And I was working pretty steady. So I buy these houses. And the last house I bought, I was away in Spain making a movie and I expected to come home to see not the pool, that the pool would be finished they had four months they had two months to do it by bond on the contract I come home and house is beautiful I look out the window the fucking there's a lot is like garbage is all they they've had some gun ice spray in the pool that's a soft cement before you actually

plaster and tile and whatever and I went down to this god there was garbage everywhere beer cans ladders i was so pissed so um i was supposed to meet my my wife at roxbury park and i called and i said look i got to deal with some of this stuff before i go and I'll see you a little later. So I picked up this extension ladder and I leaned it against the side of the balcony. I had one of those hoses that you can turn off the water by the front of the hose line. And I climbed up the ladder to wash off the thing. I turned on the hose and I'm washing off this wooden balcony. And all of a sudden I hear like a weird noise and I'm falling backwards. I'm about 12, 14 feet in the air. I'm flying backwards. I land on the top of my head.

I hear like a crack, like almost like a snap of your finger. And all of a sudden I watch my right hand just curl up in front of me. My tongue rolls to the back of my mouth. My eyes had blinked. I opened up. I said, I couldn't imagine what was going on in my life. And all of a sudden, I screamed for help. And my tongue is caught in the back of my throat what the fuck is happening and that's how i begin to tell the story of this play that i did when i'm lying on the ground i said what a schmuck you are you know jews don't belong on lattice which is the name of the show we should point out yeah which is the name of the show and who and tried to do it? Go ahead. Oh, and you said that next thing you knew, they were drilling through your skull?

Well, first you had the paramedics show up. They looked like they came from Hollywood casting. They were really good-looking guys and asking me a bunch of dumb questions. good-looking guys and asking me a bunch of dumb questions and and then finally they put a sort of like a brace around your neck so you won't move it they realized that i had broken my neck and they were asking me all these silly questions what's your name and what do you weigh blah blah blah you know and then finally they take you i lived on the side of a hill and these guys put me on this stretcher. I was scared to death.

And they climbed me up to the top of the hill, put me in this ambulance, and off we went to see the Sinai. And all of a sudden, I know that I'm lying up and I'm looking, and this surgeon or whoever he was, an orthotech, was drilling holes, one over my left and right eye and in the back of my head. And they began to put on this halo on my head made of titanium. They would screw it in and I woke up and went, this is amazing. And that was probably one of the most frightening days of my life. Well, tell us about the break, Art. Was it what they call the hangman's break?

It was. I broke my neck in six places, C2, 4, 5, C6, C7, and T1. And 1 and 2 is the hangman's break. And I do a thing in the beginning, which I have right here, which is a little heavy. Should I do it? Yeah, sure. The house lights dim.

A light comes up on Art's face. They used to execute people in this country by hanging them. They still have public hangings in other parts of the world. They put a rope around a man's neck the platform he stands on is then pulled out from under him and then the force of his weight against the rope breaks his neck the first and second vertebrae snap when that happens air can't get into the lungs of the brain the body dang dangles on a rope, fighting for breath. The tongue rolls to the back of the mouth.

And after a brief struggle, the man dies. Doctors call it the hangman's break. That's how they killed John Brown, who was a good guy. And Adolf Eichmann, who was a Nazi. And that's the beginning of my comedy show. Wow. Yes. Who gave you the title, by the way, Jews Don't Belong on Ladders?

It came out actually from when I was writing it. When I said, you schmuck, you fell on your own property, you know Jews don't, and Joe Bologna said, that's what you should call it, Jews don't belong. It was, yeah, it's amazing how you find things the more you do it. You know, it's like William Goldman wrote, it's not what you write, it's what you rewrite. And I was constantly rewriting.

When you were there, and a lot of people thought you'd never be able to stand up again, were there any points in your life where you thought, you know, let me just go to sleep and not wake up? Oh, my God, yeah, of course. Suicidal thoughts. thoughts. I used to collect, I'd refuse taking my sleeping pills sometimes. And I had a way of having, because there's always shifts of different nurses and they don't know what the next nurse really did, even though they always look at the chart, they don't know how to read. So I would ask these nurses just to put this in my my and they would put these little cups or whatever and i was constantly putting that those pills in thinking that one day i'd have a way out by dropping them uh down my throat but my niece uh who was a nurse happened to look in the drawer

and said what are you doing i said well i can't with my arms i mean i'm dead from the neck down uh you know i'm gonna have to have some help from somebody. No, no, no. So, yeah, you get crazy. You know, Freud said you can't control what thoughts that come into your mind. And I think everyone's had that. I mean, you certainly thought you feared that you wouldn't walk again. That's very clear in the book.

Obviously, you thought your career was over it was over it was over nobody wanted to hire me in a wheelchair my arms weren't functioning correct uh the nice people were paul witt and uh tony thomas because i had worked for them on a lot of shows and they put me in the golden girl and a bunch of shows they knew i could sit down and play a judge or whatever. They were very kind, but most people, most producers, next, you know, who's next? And that's the way it is, but I had

a good 20-year run until I fell. Gee, I turned your comedy show right into a ditch. Go ahead, Gil. show right into the into a ditch but so it took years but you went through a lot of painful and he went through rehab he went through rehab yes he went through uh a lot i did uh yeah well once they get you in the hospital and uh they start with your body, you know, you're like a puppet. And I had most of the people that were in therapy were women, Japanese, Filipinos. And it's amazing how they can handle your body because at the time I must have weighed at least 215, maybe more with the Halo. wait at least 2.15, maybe more with the halo. And the way they would work you, and I would always say,

how do you know how to do that? Like I was being transferred from the bed onto a gurney. And these two tiny little Filipinos, I mean, I took a shit that weighed more than both of them. And there they are moving me off this gurney. I said, wait, there's some guys out there. I can see them. No, it's not a matter of strength. It's a matter of technique.

Sure enough, they would just pick me up and put me on that gurney. And it was a pretty amazing therapy. When they finally put a TENS unit all over my body. You know what a TENS unit is? No. They put a bunch of pads all over you that stick to your arms, legs, chest, hands, fingers, and they turn on this little machine, and it sends electrical volts through to all these pads.

And as I'm lying there, all of a sudden I'm dancing. I said, what is going on here? How is this going to help me? My legs were jumping. I was like, I said, no, this idea of TENS unit is to try to teach your brain where everything is. Oh, yeah. To remind it.

And you know, after I don't know how many treatments i finally can move my thumb i noticed my toe moving that's a big deal you were constantly reminded that there were people in even worse situations than yours oh yeah what's the name of that uh what's the name what's his name uh jamie the one uh the most handsomest guy, he had a, why can't I think of his name? What? No, not Robert Mitchum, no. No, I can't think of his name. And he had, he was just fading so badly.

Oh, Cornell Wild? Oh, no, but that's good. I'm glad. No, Cornell Wild, I met up in Hefner's mansion I met so many great people but Cornell and I hit it off of course I knew all those dueling movies he played Chopin

I mean I was so he did the thing about where African tribe chased him through the jungle what is the name of that naked prey naked prey very good and so we had this constant talking about these films chased him through the jungle. What is the name of that? Naked Prey? Naked Prey. Very good. And so we had this constant talking about these films that he made and how he made them and who he made them with. And when I was in the hospital, someone mentioned Cornel Wiles here also.

And so I went up to a friend of mine, came by, Harvey, and got me in my wheelchair and wheeled me all the way over to where Cornell was. And you knew a guy that had a little TV show in L.A. called Skippy Low? Sure. Oh, yeah. Skippy Low. Yes. Skippy period low.

Was that the guy that Martin Short does? No. Oh, you mean Glick? Oh, yeah. I think he's doing a different guy. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. Skippy Low had a local L.A. Oh, you mean Glick? Oh, yeah. I think he's doing a different guy. Yeah. Yeah. No, no.

Skippy Lowe at a local L.A. TV show for years. Yeah, very gay. You know, hi, nice to see you. You know, what's going on? Everything's fine. And I'm going down the hall with Harvey, and Skippy sees me, And I said, how's Cornell doing? I said, oh my God, he's so close to death. You know? Oh, I don't know what's, I said, all right. So my guy wheels me in the room and there's a lot of people there, including

Cornell's beautiful wife. And they're all gathered around him. Like it's his deathbed. And I can hear a sound of his voice, the lungs breathing. And I knew there was something wrong. And I'm looking at the bed. The head was not adjusted correctly. And I know it because it happened to me. So I said to the person next to the remote there, straighten out his head. Oh, no, we can't.

Just lift him up, will you, a little bit? And lift him up up and you watch. And all of a sudden he went from, and he began to breathe normal. And I said loud, because he was on his back. His skin was like, uh, like Fila dough, all blue and red. It was hard to imagine. He had leukemia. And I'm there and I look at him and I yell, hey, Cornell, it's me, Metrano. And all of a sudden,

picks up his left hand with his thumb in this, like, was pure recognition. I felt so good because everyone was saying, don't talk. They were like lying there, standing there, waiting for him to die. And all of a sudden, I'm having a conversation with this guy, and it's just people are afraid. It's really interesting.

Boy, I'm really morbid tonight. Oh, and the two people who are hiring you, well, Tony Thomas with Golden Girls. Right. And who's the other one? Paul Witt. Paul Witt. Paul Witt. Paul Witt's wife wrote all of Soap. Oh, okay.

All of the Golden Girls. She's just a genius. But she turned up in a lot of stuff. You're in the Larrakette Show. You're in Party of Five. Yeah, right. Delicata Groator groove back you're working again yeah yeah it was uh it was good i i you know i i have a lucky career considering what i what i've been through and i'm enjoying it you know tell us the go ahead art i was just thinking about um i had told a friend of mine that was going to be on uh gilbert show he said oh please mention my name because um he was on a ralphie sutton's podcast

and his mother is leah sutton leah sutton sure we know ralph and we know leah right she said please say hello to them i said i will anything you want me to mention she said no just tell him i love gilbert and there we are we all do tell us about robert mitchum since your wife just shouted his name out you made matilda the movie about a boxing kangaroo which i think has come up on the show with your friend your friend elliot gould right but prior to that making that movie with mitchum i had known this guy named george fargo who was very friendly with clint and uh and bob mitchum and i was into making a building old 35 36 ford uh uh hatchback you know three window coupes uh-huh and uh i was getting a lot of good information from George Fargo.

And he also had this great pot. And so we became real friendly. And I used to go to his house and it was really, he would adopt all these sick cats and he would feed them and care for them. And so the place had a certain stench to it. And I would go in there, and he'd be rolling joints, and he'd be writing scripts. And one day, all of a sudden, Clint Eastwood walks in.

Hi, how are you doing? Fargo, hi. And we'd all be sitting around smoking pot. And there was Clint Eastwood. At that time, he was not a big star, but he had that little Western rawhide at Universal. And then Robin Mission would come in often, and he never called him Robin. He always called him the goose.

I said, George, why do you call him the goose? He says, watch how he walks. And sure enough, I used to watch him. You see him. He would go from left to right every time. He'd take a step like a goose. And we became sort of friendly because, you know, we liked certain things. And one night I was at my house on Doheny.

No, I was up at, what street was that? Sunset Plaza. And I had a nice little pad up there. And I got a call from Fargo saying, Mitchum is looking for some smoke do you have anything I said sure send him to my house so uh he said he'll be there in like 30 minutes I said cool so I didn't tell my wife at the time that he was coming over and we were sitting there just you know drinking some wine smoking a joint and the doorbell rings. I said, Becky, do me a favor, go get the doorbell.

And, you know, we had a, we lived on a slope. So there was a one door that you had a buzzing from the top where you would park your car in a circular driveway. And when that would open up, you'd have to walk down a bunch of steps down a ramp to another door that slid open. So my wife buzzes Mitchum in and he comes walking down. She slides open the door and sees Robert Mitchum and she fucking screams so loud. She couldn't believe. She just

fucking freaked. She remembered that movie where he had painted tattoos, help and hate. Oh, The Night of the Hunter. Night of the Hunter. And finallyitchum came down and we smoked and we talked and he told me great stories about his getting arrested with marijuana and going to jail and yeah he was famous for that oh man he was just something he was when we went on location, we started off in L.A. And then every lunch in L.A., his two assistants would bring lunch for all the actors.

Never paid a dime. Then we'd go to Reno, and it was just me and him. We'd hang out. And again, he would never let me pick up a taste. He was really a movie star that was the most generous guy in the world. And that's where also Elliot was hanging out. And we just, what a time. I mean, there's a, you know, you get lucky in your life when you work with movie stars that you really admire.

Well, there's another pinch me moment for you because you got to work with a Bowery boy. But now you're the kid from Brooklyn and you're working with Robert Mitchum. It was incredible and of course Elliot is one of my dearest friends going back from our early days as kids when I used to go up to the Catskills and this was a kid there named Elliot Gould very tall very thin tap dancing on a stage I said oh I know that guy from Bensonhurst. And we began to talk. And sure enough, his mother pushed him into this business. And he was a great tap dancer. We just want to throw some names out at you, Art. Like Dean Martin.

Oh, boy. Dean Martin was the smoothest man I've ever met. And I loved the way he would tuck his handkerchief in his pocket up there, and he was so sweet to everybody. And he was just, you know, if I was going to become gay, I want to be gay with Dean Martin. I love that. And I ended up dating Dean Martin for a Dina Martin, for a long time.

Oh, you dated Dean's daughter. That's right. Yes. It's in the book. It is in the book. How about another name we can throw at you, Raymond Burr? Because you did a bunch of episodes of Ironside, and then you and Jessica spun off into Amy Prentiss.

Exactly. But Raymond Burr was a strange guy because you never got to see him. He did all his work without any other guest guest actor in a single all the time. And he read it off a chart. I remember one day I went in, but he never worked with the actor. He did all his stuff and you had to get up with some contract player who would read his lines. And then you'd act that way when he was in the scene. who would read his lines, and then you'd act that way when he was in the scene. Wow. He had the cushiest job because I heard the whole reason they wrote in a wheelchair

was because he didn't want to stand. He wanted to sit. So they made it a character in a wheelchair. Right. He got very heavy. He was on the critical list at Jenny Craig. And giant cue cards and yeah that was a cushy job for him he seemed like a strange character he was but you know the best part i ever i really admired him in that uh real window oh yes james stewart yes playing the killer

yeah and oh and gig young oh you did the you did they shoot horses don't they they'd shoot horses James Stewart. Yes. Playing the killer. Yeah. Oh, and Gig Young. Oh, you did the, they shoot horses, don't they? They shoot horses. I have so many friends from that show that stayed with me from the time I did it, including the appreciation I got from Sidney Pollack, who directed the movie. And, oh boy, that was some movie to watch because it was. You were a young actor. Well, not only that, I didn't know much about making movies. But when I heard, when I got the script, this was the first movie that started on page one and went to the end of the book, the end of the screenplay.

It didn't, you didn't do uh your set pieces in one place and then go to another place you did it from the beginning to the middle to the end it never varied it was and to be on that set for we were i was on that set 10 weeks and i was wearing jack carson's clothes jack carson wow that's cool jack Carson, yes. And what was Gig Young like? Do you have any dealings with him? I did, but I felt bad for him because I really admired him as an actor because I used to see him in so many movies. And then, you know, he was just, he couldn't deal with his alcohol.

Yeah. He had a lot of problems with that. Oh, my God. The poor guy was always wasted. But, wow, and he won an Academy Award. that. Oh, my God. The poor guy was always wasted. But, wow. And he won an Academy Award. Yes. Yes, he did.

Oh, and Lenny Bruce. Lenny Bruce was the first guy to show me how to roll a joint with one hand. And when I was in the hospital and I broke my neck, And when I was in the hospital and I broke my neck, Sally Marr, his mother, along with some Italian guy who ran the Pomodoro restaurant across the street from Cedars, came almost every day and brought me my lunch from the Pomodoro restaurant. Oh, that's lovely.

And Sally Marr was just fabulous. One of the great bras of all time how about uh how about james garner you made a movie called they only kill their masters yeah i love james james and i i met actually i had met james way before i did that movie i met him at elliot ghoul's house and elliot always had some great people over like james gone, like Harry Nilsson. Wow, you hung with Harry Nilsson. Oh yeah, what a character he was. Also he has

drinking problems. Demons, yes. What a talent. How about your pal? I'm trying to get rid of my cat. We see the cat. We're looking at art on Skype here. What about your pal, John Cassavetes? Now, there's a beautiful story. So I get out of. I quit playing football in my third year. I come back to New York.

I pick up a magazine called Backstage. They're auditioning for the Cassavetes Lane Theater Workshop on 46th Street. I go over there. A lot of actors are auditioning. I'm finally called, and I get on stage, and the only thing I know is a piece of prose by Walter Benton called This Is My Beloved. It was a piece that I, anytime I wanted to get laid, I would just recite this poem.

And, you know, it was pussy galore with that poem. It was one of the best. And here I am, 5'11", 250 pounds, on the stage doing this very, I don't know, not a piece you would expect to come from a big guy that looked like me at the time. I mean, my neck was 22 inches. So when I took a shower, my ass never got wet. But anyway, so sick.

Anyway, I do this piece and Burt Lane gets up and says, that was really good. Cassavetes says, are you I said no John that piece was pretty good so they gave me a scholarship and I studied there and I did a bunch of plays and a woman there named Colleen Farrington that everyone had a heart on for eventually married Burt Lane and eventually I did I did a play with her called Desire Under the Elms and I did a bunch of plays of the end Burt and Colleen after they got married had their first child and a lot of the actors who wanted to get some money uh towards their uh uh towards the drama school, would babysit.

And I babysat a lot. And that little girl was named Diane. Diane Lane. Yep. I knew where you were going. How about that? And you were. Sensational actress, too.

You worked with famous gangster star George Raft. George Raft, he wanted to know about. Yes, yes. And by the way, you're breaking up, both of you, both on screen and in voice. Oh, okay. How about now? Any better? Yeah, much better.

Okay. You work with George Raft on Chicago Teddy Bears. Right. I played the Al Capone character in that show. And there wasn't much to say about George. He was a guest star. He did his lines. Basically, I didn't think he really wanted to be there.

But the one who played Apple Annie, what was her name? Do you know? She was great. On Chicago Teddy Bears? Yes. Famous blonde, stunning in her youth. What a great lady. We'll look it up.

Yeah. But George just came, read his lines. We were sitting in one of those fancy cars with Dean, and he just stuck his head in. But, you know, when you see these guys in person, and you realize the amount of work they did back in the 30s, 40s, 50s. Oh, absolutely. You know, Edward G. and Cagney and Raft and just everybody. These guys were making two, three movies a month.

Exactly. In those days. Television shows. Yeah, it movies a month. Exactly. In those days. Television shows. Yeah, it was a breakneck pace. And sometimes I heard like actors would be shooting more than one movie in a day. Sure. They'd shoot a scene, then run over to the other set and shoot the other scene and just run back and forth. Right, exactly.

It was quite amazing, I must tell you, especially working on Warner Brothers because that studio did all those movies. And here they were, and I had my picture, this large picture of myself on the outside wall on Warner Boulevard with Banner and Hunts. And I can't think of what's his name. Dean Jones was a star of that show?

Dean Jones was a big star. What a sweet guy he was. Yeah. It's another guy. And, you know, it's amazing just to be on that lot, to drive in, to see in that big water tower that says Warner Brothers with the label. Oh, sure. Oh, it's always fun.

When you drive on a lot, Gil, you still kind of get that rush, don't you? Yes. Even today? I do. Yeah. You think of like the ghosts. Yeah, of course. Walking around there. Can I ask you a question from one of our listeners, Art?

This is, we do a little thing called Grill the Guest. This is from a guy named Frank Salerno, a listener. And he said, you made a movie, do I have the title of this right?

Trouble at Jamaica Reef with Rosie Greer. And Darby Hinton. Darby Hinton. And the famous English actor actor what was his name the uh oh he played in uh with uh and Julius Caesar very handsome uh Stephen oh Stephen Boyd help me guys not Stephen Boyd Stephen Boyd exactly Stephen Boyd yeah Stephen Boyd. Yeah, Stephen Boyd. And he was in that also. He wants to know what Rosie Greer was like.

I love Rosie. Rosie was a big black man who always trying to... Still is. Still is. But he always thought he could outrun me. And we were on this uh uh a waterfront dock and he said come on i'll race i said how far he said 50 yards i said all right so the guy counts us off and like i just i just killed him in the race halfway through it he pulled his hamstring he went down like a fucking whale and then they had to put him in an ambulance. But he was great.

He was my partner in that Moving On. It was about truck drivers. With Frank Converse. Yeah. Remember that show? Oh, yeah. Claude Akins, right? Claude Akins, right.

Shot up in North Carolina. And you were in a blaxploitation movie. With Ed McMahon. Yeah. With Ed McMahon. Yeah. With Ed McMahon. Yeah, a movie called Slaughter's Big Ripoff. Yeah, he was a gangster in that, Ed McMahon. And Jim Brown.

Oh, no, but that was Jim Brown. What a motherfucker he is. Jesus Christ. Was he tough. He didn't care. But, you know, he admired, you know, we became very friendly. And, you know, I know he's one of the greatest athletes

that ever played any. Sure. And I get invited up to a little basketball game, me and Elliot and Jim and another guy. And we're up there. We're just rapping for a long time. And then Jim says, come on, let's shoot some hoops. So we went up there. And just rapping uh for a long time and then jim says come on let's shoot some hoops so we went up there and of course elliot's a good shooter i'm a fairly decent player

jim is good but jim's partner is not so good and we're really beating them and finally i say to elliot are you sure we want to win this game you know no i see he thought jim would respect us if we actually beat him and we did beat him nice but it was like it was a bit scary up there and and before those were the days when he those were the days when he was throwing women off the balconies yeah he had a reputation now before i forget and, and not like I was going to forget, the most important part is when a guest is a fan of mine. Oh, yeah, big time. I tell you, your sense of humor.

I mean, one of the first jokes that I really love, and I'm not sure what, I know what it's about, chopped liver and pate. Oh, yes. I don love and I'm not sure what I know it's about chopped liver and pate oh yes I don't think I know this one uh oh that's I I went into a delicatessen I said I'm looking for a meat pate that you could spread on crackers and serve at parties, and just then a container of chopped liver looked up at me and said, so what am I, Robert Redford? What a fucking stupid joke. That is so, so funny. Oh, my God.

Is that funny or what? He's always been a surrealist. What was the joke? What was your joke? You've been saving a joke for us. Well, first I want to tell you about Nicky Arnold because he's been on my mind. Oh, God.

That's okay. So, yeah, but it's for me. Well, we'll wait if you want to answer it no no no so um nicky arnold had terrible cerebral palsy and he was always trying to work out his comedy routine at bud friedman's improv on broadway and actually eighth avenue in the 40s yeah and there were a lot of comics up there always going out doing material. And a lot of Broadway stars,

after they finished their show, would show up 11, 30, 12 o'clock. And so it was a very hip Broadway show of an audience. And one night, Joey Bishop was in the audience and Nicky was on the show. And he was doing his cerebral palsy jokes I want to go join the army

and the guy the sergeant said no and he stamped my book 8F I said 8F how. I said, 8F? How come I'm not 4F? He said, in your condition, you're 8F. He said, before they would take me in the Army,

the enemy would have to be on the Triborough Bridge. So that night, he kills with his humor. And Joey Bishop says, here's a $500 check. Write me something. About a month goes by. And Nicky says, I got a call from Joey Bishop. I said, what happened? Joey said, I gave him $500 and you sent me one joke.

I wanted to, you know, I gave you, maybe I wanted to do a little more time. And Nicky said, well, Joey, that joke takes me three and a half minutes. Did you ever hear of this guy, Gil? Nicky Arnold? Oh, yeah. Yeah, they used to talk about him at the improv all the time. Oh, he produced the Welcome Back Carter show. Yeah.

Oh, really? Same guy. Oh, yeah. In fact, I heard a story. I forget who he was standing with, Nicky Arnold. Oh, yeah. In fact, I heard a story. I forget who he was standing with, Nicky Arnold. And they were standing outside the Improv, which was the worst area in the world. And these two big black guys go up to them and they go, give us your money.

And Nicky Arnold turns to the guys with and goes, I think we could take them. That's great. Speaking of Joey Bishop, Art, did you do a play with Joey Bishop where you played Fatty Arbuckle? I played Fatty Arbuckle in a fatty suit. Joey Bishop was the worst motherfucker to ever work with. Wow! He just wanted to upstage you.

He was just not a mean. He had a nice bone in his body. He was just, fuck him where he breathes. I couldn't, Everybody was just. That's a beautiful wrap up. You are not the first person on this show who's told us that. No, we haven't heard any kind words about Joey Bishop. Lots of kind words about Jack Benny, though.

Jack Benny was great. I first met him when he was standing in line with deep throat, waiting to go into the Pussycat Theater on Santa Monica Boulevard. Incredible. Oh, yeah. I stopped. I said, excuse me. I don't want to bother you.

Jack Benny goes, shh. Don't tell anybody. He was there to see Deep Throat. It was wonderful. So did you guys hear about David Copperfield recently when he got married? No. No. Oh, yeah.

On his honeymoon, he fucked his wife in half. Is that the joke you were saving? No, this joke I'm saving is a very nice story about this young girl named Gloria and her boyfriend Brian are dating a year. And they haven't had sex, but they've had a relationship that she couldn't get over. She was treated like a queen. He like a king. He pulled out a chair for her. He opened doors.

He bought her flowers. He wrote the most beautiful poetry. They were madly in love, but she was afraid to have sex. And she called her mother and says, Ma, I don't know what to do. I love this man so much. He does so much for me, but I'm afraid to have sex because my pussy is so big. Says Gloria, you come from a family of big pussies. I have a very big pussy. Your Aunt Matilda has the biggest pussy. I mean, don't worry about it.

We all had children. We all had sex. Don't be afraid. Tomorrow, when you get up, go to the butcher. Pick up about a pound, pound and a half of liver. And when you're about to have sex, just put it up your vagina. Well, the next morning,

she picks up this liver from the butcher. She goes out on a date. They go to a beautiful five-star restaurant. They're drinking wine. They're eating food. He takes out from his chest pocket a jewelry box, opens it up. It's a

gorgeous necklace. She puts it on. Oh, my God. I love you so much, she says. And I love you, Gloria. Come on. Let's go back to my apartment, she says. And they go back to her apartment. And they start drinking a little more, smoking another joint.

Before you know it, they're kissing. And she walks him into the bedroom. They rip each other's clothes off. And they start to fuck. And they're fucking like crazy. And finally, he falls asleep right on her. into the bedroom. They rip each other's clothes off and they start to fuck. And they're fucking like crazy. And finally he falls asleep right on. About two, three in the morning,

he realizes he's got to get to work. He gets up, takes a piece of paper and writes her a note and goes to work. She wakes up the morning, sees the note and it says dear Gloria with my love for you it's gone beyond anything I can imagine

you are everything I want in a woman I can't wait to marry you and have your children I love you more than life itself please feel the same way about me P.S. I love you. P.S.S. Gloria, I left your cunt in the sink. Big finish, Art.

Big finish. Well, I don't think we're gonna top that one so if you could tell us what are you working on now yeah you're doing the show again right well i i'm i'm rewriting from my the outline of my play with a young woman named renee rocco and we're writing my memoir. And so far, I've gotten very good reaction. I'm still in the hunt for an agent to read what I've written so far. I've got about almost 100 pages.

I believe the book will probably run 220, maybe a little less. It's really, I'm getting such great reviews from so many people. And your other book is your other book is still available on amazon yes it is but this one's gonna kill i'm telling you yeah i wrote it when i started writing it i realized when i sent it to jessica walter's brother richard walter yeah professor love professor at u UCLA screenwriting love my one-man show and I said to him you know Richard I have this thing I'm writing in the screenplay about my my life and all that you know for a guy like Seth Rogen or or uh uh Mark Ruffalo or one of those good actors

can play uh he said wow that's that's very strong material but be smart he said i saw warner brothers a screenplay five years ago they paid me 200 000 and then they gave it back to me i realized they're not buying uh spec scripts but i advise you to write it as a memoir, an autobiography, and then we'll get it published. I said, really? He said, yeah, that's what they're buying. He says, let me tell you what I did with mine. When I got my screenplay back, I wrote a book, and it was all about the screenplay.

It got published. Warner Brothers read it, and they bought my book. Two or three months later, they said, can you write a screenplay about this book? He said, well, give me about three to five months, and I'll get you one. And three to five months later, he came back. The script he wrote five years before.

Hello, anybody home? Give me a break. It's amazing. Yeah. And you're doing a lot of charity work for people with crippling injuries. Spinal cord injury. I've raved close to 300,000. Good for you.

First one I, yeah. You're doing good work, Art. Keep it up. Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. You're a survivor and a raconteur, and this was fun for us. And a partridge in the patch. Your name's come up 100 times on the show.

We're glad we got you. You've got a few businesses, right? Yes. Right now it's called Yogurt Your Way. It's on Las Olas Boulevard in Fort Lauderdale. It's a self-serve frozen yogurt. I've had it for six and a half years. Very successful.

I'm very happy. My wife does most of the work, and I sit home and I jerk off. You all with me on your home? Art, God bless you. Okay, thank you, Art Matrano. Thank you, guys. The amazing Matrano. The amazing Matrano.

Art, you're the best. I'll leave you with this. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Art. We love you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Fine and dandy, but when you're gone, what can I do? When you're gone, sugar candy, I get lonesome, I get so blue. When you're handy, it's so fine and dandy.

But when you're gone, what can I do? I can do it! Thank you. audio contributions by John Beach. Special thanks to Paul Rayburn, John Murray, and John Fodiovis, especially Sam Giovonco and Daniel Farrell for their assistance.