Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 32. Tom Leopold

Episode Date: January 5, 2015

Veteran comedy writer Tom Leopold started out as an actor, working opposite James Mason, Robert Preston, Ted Knight and Wayne Newton before going on to create comedy material for legends Steve Allen, Bob Hope and Mary Tyler Moore and write on hit series like "Cheers" and "Seinfeld" (scripting the memorable "Babu" episode, among others). Tom sat down with Gilbert and Frank to talk about early acting roles on "Gunsmoke" and "Mannix," his days on the "National Lampoon Radio Hour" with Christopher Guest and Bill Murray and his years-long friendships with pals Paul Shaffer, Richard Belzer and Harry Shearer. Also: George Chakiris vs. George Maharis, Chevy Chase hitches a ride with Paul Lynde and 80-year-old Georgie Jessel phones his mom. PLUS: Stubby Kaye! Gert "Goldfinger" Frobe! Donald O'Connor's coat! Tom brunches with Jerry Lewis! And the return of Perfecto Telles! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In Season 3, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White, Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney+. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And today, we're at Nutmeg Post as guest of our friend, Frank V. Now, Christopher Guest said of our guest today that when it comes to comedy, he has an extra gene. He's written for shows like Will & Grace, Cheers, and Seinfeld, written three novels, and worked with people like Steve Allen, Jonathan Winters, Bob Hope, Martin Short,

Harry Shearer, Mary Tyler Moore, and Martin Mull. Please welcome our pal and the man with the world's funniest Donald O'Connor story, Tom Leopold. He left out Gert Frobe. Ah, that's always a problem. Gert Frobe. Consciously left out. Now, I've been told that Harry... First of all, may I say, next to my children being born,

this is one of the greatest nights ever, and I appreciate you guys having me. Sure, Tom. Your children were born? I'm sure they were born. What are you suggesting? I thought they were just— Did they have their shoulder rolled out of a car? Yeah.

So they were actually born. Of course, the old-fashioned way. Oh. Yeah. How was that? I don't know. I was busy that day. So our next guest's children were born.

You got another guest? No. Oh, that's me. Okay. All right. Our first guest's children were born. Have you said my name? I know you said all those.

Yeah, Tom Leopold. I didn't actually hear my name. This was at the end of the intro. Oh, okay. We leave it out because no one knows who the fuck you are. Would you say that I'm the least known guest you've had? You're certainly up there. Not even close, Tom.

I barely have heard of myself. You know, I'm the comedy writer's comedy writer, which means often imitated, seldom paid. But go ahead. Yes. So what do you do for a living? comedy writer's comedy writer, which means often imitated, seldom paid. But go ahead. Yes. So, what do you do for a living? Well, I'm a comedy writer, Gilbert, and I've worked with you, and gee, I've had the privilege of working

with so many of my heroes, none of whom come to mind, fortunately. Gert Frobe. Gert Frobe, you're handsome. John Laguizayamo, you're a talented man. Can you use, I like people's names like that. As exclamations.

John Luis Gazamo, that hurts. Are we off subject? Yes. Can I just, can I open with a question? No. Can I? Okay, sure. Or is that not done?

Go for it. Is it poo-pooed? What? Okay. No, that I'll get to later. I think you got to it now, actually. Thank you. Anyway, quick question for you guys, Frank, Frankie, and Gil.

If you could only take one of these two people to a desert island, which one would you take? George Chakiris, George Meharis? That's a tough one. Wow, that is a tough one. If you don't think about it, we'll come back. Hey, this is a test I'm sure you know. Who was George Maharis? Whose dick was George Maharis sucking in that gas station bathroom?

Simon, I'm getting on in age. And when I... And I forgets a bit. I forgets a bit. I thinks a bit. Anyway, if all else goes, I still know I'm going to be okay if I can still remember the name Perfecto Telles. Nicely done. Excellent.

Okay? Excellent. Thank you. Perfecto Telles was who George Maharis was blowing. Was standing in the shopping bag or in the tea room or what we like to call a men's room. It's called the tea room. Yeah, because they stand in when they're in a stall. One of them stands in a bag so they won't know another person's in there. I'm going to sit back down. Yes, I couldn't hear him. I wanted to bring you, but I couldn't hear myself. Yes, that's right. So for

the folks at home, don't try this at home, because you don't need to try it at home, because you're home. You don't have a men's room stall at home. You don't have a gas station men's room in your house. Well, you're rich enough. You can have one. Yes, I had one put in. Yeah, a dirty, filthy

Sunoco gas station men's room. called a Perfecto Tellez room. gas station in Memphis. Now, Perfecto Tellez was a celebrity hairdresser? Yes. Or was he just a hairdresser? Because I think I had the information.

No, well, I gave Bob Saget bad info. He was a celebrity sodomizer. But not like Monty Rock. Not like Monty Rock. He wasn't a celebrity. No.

He wasn't a hairdresser to the stars. No, no, no. Oh, I gave Bob bad information. Any chance of that was blown when he blew. So to speak. Can I? Yeah.

So, cute George Sikiris story. Yes. You're probably sick of those. What were the podcasts? I get so, every guest has a George Sikiris. Could you tell us a Ross Tamblyn one instead? I wish. You know, Tamblyn one instead? I wish. You know, Tamblyn.

Tam. Tam. It's like when people say, I never forget. Tam. Tam. I was four years. This is how hip I was. Yes.

In no other way but this when I was a kid. I would watch the 4 o'clock movie. You going somewhere, Frank? No, just walking. Can you walk? It's such a hard time to start. You got to like a lunch or something? Go ahead.

It makes me feel good. Confident. Can you hurry this up? Yeah, please. You catching a bus? Yeah. It's a 4.30 movie. All right.

4.30 movie Miami where I grew up. Bob Clayton hosted it. Who played the head bellman behind the desk in Jerry Lewis's The Bellboy? Oh, wow. In Miami, my hometown. I actually drove by there. My parents drove me by to see the cameras. Do you know what I remember about The Bellboy. Oh, wow. In Miami, my hometown. I actually drove by there with my parents. My parents drove me by to see the cameras. Do you know what I remember about the Bellboy?

It seems like he probably just got a lot of comics who were working Florida at the time. Notenboro. But they had this one unknown guy, or maybe you know his name, and his whole big bit was pretending to be eating an apple. Jerry Lewis runs into him and- Saw Bellow. No, I don't know. I don't know. And he just puts his hand like he's miming holding an apple, and he goes, that's just a good apple.

I don't remember that. That was his shtick, pretending to eat an apple? Yes, yes. Okay. That was one pun. And as a kid, I was thinking. Oh, I loved it as a kid. Yeah.

Well, as a kid, I was watching it going, hmm, maybe when I'm older, I'll understand what's funny about this. And how did that turn out for you? No, it's still a mystery. Well, you've still got a couple of years. You were starting to tell us a George Shakira story before you went to the bellboy. Well, this is to get us. I heard George Shakira once went to the bellboy. I'm sure he saw the bellboy.

Now, this story is kind of the bridge to get us to the Shakira story. Go ahead. We got the time. I was – this is how I knew I wanted to be in show business because even at the age of seven, I'm watching the afternoon movie. And in those days, you know, the guy hosting the movie who was the head bellman in the bellboy which is bob clayton who was a local tv personality but jerry hired him to be his boss in the bellboy and um so i'm watching it and he's talking about this terrible movie b movie that they're having on and they would have birthday people come up during the afternoon movie went on for six hours or something they bring somebody up

to open a like a treasure chest and they bring out a birthday cake. And he says, now this scene coming up now, Gwen so-and-so and William Lundigan. And, you know, Lundy would always – and so he's name dropping. I'm seven. And he says – and, you know, Lundy had a habit, and I'm going, what does this guy know from Lundy? I'm seven years old. This guy's a local TV Miami guy. You know, Lundy had a way that, and I'm going, well, how does he know Bill Lundy?

How, now, I even forgot how the bridge. That's a hip kid. Yeah, pretty hip kid. Yeah. And I'm wondering how that gets us to Chikaris. There was another guy in the bellboy. Who ate a peach. Who is describing like either astrological gods or mythological, you know, whatever.

And he goes, well, she's a ding-a-ling chick who swings with the... Yeah, I remember that. And that's another thing. That's another little tchotchke. I had no idea what the hell that was. How about how weird it was that he's the bellboy in the hotel, then Jerry Lewis comes in the hotel. Oh, yes!

Yes! What's going on? I had asthma and I was on medication. And I thought, is this the medication? You know what I mean? I had so much cortisone and adrenaline pumped into my body. I have very bad asthma. Things like that. Like if ever on the 4 o'clock movie, a Busby Berkeley movie would come on with like 100 girls spreading their legs upside down, circling the moon with people dancing out of them.

And it's like I couldn't watch that stuff. It was too freaky busby berkeley who was the great choreographer of old hollywood once killed someone driving a car that's right and and i heard on the trial a guy testified for busby berkeley saying he was an eyewitness he said the guy had a coming no i don't know he he was was an eyewitness. The guy had a coming? He said the guy had a coming? No, I don't know. He was like an eyewitness or a doctor or something. And it turned out to be later on they found out he was a guy that worked for the studio. Interesting.

Pretending to be an eyewitness. And that's when you kind of, your heart broke? And then Busby Berkeley was later caught in a men's room. Really? Sucking Perfecto Tullis. Perfecto. Perfecto running over another guy. Perfecto got around.

Why don't you tell the Maharis. He must have been some good looking guy. I got me going from Maharis to Shakiras. Why don't you tell us about interacting with George Shakiras a couple of years ago? Did you write a book called Going From Here to Shakiras? I wrote a book called I, Shakiras. I, Shakiras.

It's like one of those movies that's dubbed him wrong. I, Shakiras. Didn't you reach out to George a couple of years ago? Oh, absolutely. It's a long story. It's not very good. the other one was a long story

trying to get to one story this will make that story look great that's how great this doesn't have anything to do with the bellboy i don't know. Okay. Let's give it its head. My pal, our pal, Paul Schaefer and I. Yes. We – you see this ring here? Not you folks at home but we wanted to get friendship rings like Sam Momogi and Kana and Frank Sinatra had. Okay. Right? Sinatra hat. Sam Momo Giancana, the head of the Chicago mob, gave Frank, his pal, a ring that

Frank wore and had a sapphire in the corner. And his ring, this is true, you know, because we all are into this stuff so heavily. And Frank's ring said, to Frank, love Momo, which was Sam. It was kind of his nickname, Momo. And Momo's ring said, love Momo from Frank. So we decided we wanted to get rings kind of like that. So we're thinking – so I happen to like to look up stuff about George Maharis. You know, I don't hunt. I don't fish. Right. That's a must-see for a hobby.

Well, I don't know about that. I don't fish. Right. That's a must say for a hobby. Well, I don't know about that. I'd rather be shot actually. So I happen to be looking up George Meharis and by, you know, I don't believe in all that supernatural hoodoo. But George Shakira's came up by mistake. If you believe in coincidence. Yes.

Interesting. Yeah. So you Google George Shakira's but you Google George Mahara's but you got George Shakira's. I got George Shakira's.

OK. The stars were aligned. Thank God you didn't get Perfecto Tellez. I'm trying to get Perfecto Tellez. I'd love to know what happened to him.

By the way the bag is at the Smithsonian. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Perfecto, get in the bag, but don't squash the grapes. I'm having that. Prove alone later.

And anyway, so George Shakira's... This is Paul. Paul says, well, we'll get a jeweler to make us our rings, you know? And I said, all right. They kind of forgot. And then I get George Shakira. This is Paul. Paul says, well, we'll get a jeweler to make us our rings, you know. And I said, all right. They kind of forgot. And then I get George Shakira. And it said, George, among his other things, Academy Award winner and unemployable actor. He's a very nice guy.

His story is amazing. And jewelry. He makes jewelry. So I call Paul up right away. I go, wouldn't it be amazing to get our rings made by George Chakiris? And Paul says, George Meharis? I said, no, no, no. Good mistake, though. You know what I mean? Logical mistake. George Chakiris. So I would love, but you see, I would love to have George Meharis make the ring because I love Route 66. And I've got about an hour story about Marty Milner that I'm going to save for later.

Oh, very good. Hang on to that one. Can I just bring in my favorite actor? Yes. Lon Chaney Jr. did two episodes of Route 66. Yes. Yeah, of course. Which you've brought up on two different episodes now.

Yes. But it's worth mentioning again. You can't bring that up enough. What was it? Owl's Wing? Owl's Wing and Lizard's Tale. Lizard's Tale. And the other one, I forget the title, but he plays like this hillbilly father of George

Maharis. That's right. Because Buzz, George's character Excuse me Was an orphan And all of a sudden they're driving through Alabama And all these hillbillies come out And they all look like George Maharis

And Perfecto Tellez Weird That's strange Kind of a forecast And Also in that episode Is the actress Betty Field Who That's strange. Kind of a forecast. And. Oh, so I got it. No. No. Also in that episode is the actress Betty Field. Oh, yeah.

Who worked with Cheney in My Sin. Oh, that's right. Was that just a wonderful, a beautiful accident or? I don't. They had no scenes together. You also have to hire Betty Field. I'll do it. She won't read. That's your Cheney Jr.? I don't know. He sounded like an old Jew. You got it. I'll do it. And she won't read. That's your Cheney Jr.? I don't know.

He sounded like an old Jew. You got it. I'll do it. You sound like Jack Guilford. I'll do it. But I get to take the centerpiece home and Betty Field has to So you're getting the friendship. You want to get the friendship rings. So basically, Lon Cheney sounded like Charlie

Callis. He said, I want to talk to the tongue. I want to talk. So we want to get, so I call Paul up. I'm very excited. George Chakiris makes jewelry.

You know, he didn't seem as excited as I hope. So he says, I said, he'll make them imagine. Not only can we say we're half rings like Frank and Momo, but it's made by George Chikaris. Can anything be more, you know, unimportant? Except for like eight guys. I'm going to laugh at this.

So he says, all right, well, call me. I'm not going to call him. You're the celebrity. You have to actually call George Chakiris. So he has his guy at the Letterman Show call George Chakiris' guy. You don't think Chakiris will hear this, do you? No. You don't think Chakiris?

I don't think anyone in America will hear this. So Paul calls me up. He says, look, come over to my house after the show shakiris is calling us so i'm so excited wow i'm going he's gonna call and i'm nervous but paul you know paul's used to this kind of celebrity yeah it's you know so by this point we want him to make jewelry and now we have to like make, you know, now we're already getting sucked into this thing. He says, well, you know, I don't really make ring. He has

dogs like this. I don't really make rings. You know how he talks. He sounds like Lon Chaney Jr. A waspy Lon Chaney Jr. So he says, I just make these medallions. So now what are we going to do? Not buy the medallion?

So we say, yeah, oh, really? You're not going to make? No, I can make rings. I said, well, okay, we'll take the medallions. And they look like Ming from Flash Gordon. Ming the Merciless. Yeah, a huge, like two-ounce triangle with Eros. More like an amulet than a medallion.

More like an ambulance. Yeah. And one was eros. You know, very kind of homoerotic, let's say, but very heavy so that when you leaned over and the thing swung back into your chest, it could just take you right off. You know? So we get these things. And then I have to tell my wife. I said, well, he doesn't make rings but we bought some – what do you call it?

Medallion. Medallion. She said, OK. I said, it's going to be $500. What? What? It's going to be $500. What?

$500. I have to pay George Shakir $500. Oh, jeez. For that medallion that we never have worn since. But anyway, but then I say to him, George, will you send also a letter? Because now I'm thinking I'll get the letter and I'll hang the medallion in a frame. Right, sure. And my kids can sell it for like, you know, kindling.

They can sell it for kindling money. It's a conversation piece. Yeah. To the Oscar winner. Yes. So anyway, we don't have these. We got the rings made and we had them made. Half California, see there.

That's supposed to be California. These are horrible rings. Yeah, terrible. And we have a little sapphire. And mine says Tupac from Tom. But the thing is, the great part of it is now George Chakiris is kind of our pal now. And we get a call from George Chakiris. Tom, first of all, thank you so much for remembering and you're so kind to buy the medallions.

And Paul was always pissed because my medallion had 28 grams of silver, 28.1 grams, and he just had 28 grams. George Jekeras was a wonderful guy. He got the Academy Award. But he was no George Maharis, let's face it. George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George

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George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George Gazard does insurance. Really? No, I don't know what's going on. So Paul says to George Meharas does insurance. No, I don't know what's going on. So Paul says to George Meharas does insurance. No, I don't know what's going on. So Paul says to George Meharas does insurance. No, I don't know what's going on. So Paul says to George Meharas does insurance. No, I don't know what's going on. So Paul says. George Gazzard does insurance. Really? No, I don't know. So Paul says to George Shakira, Wait a minute. Huh? Was George Gazzard in that Twilight Zone episode with Ron Chaney III?

No, he creates an artificial robot version of himself. Yes. He was in a couple of them. He was in a couple of them. He was in a couple. He was also in one that had to do with the love potion. Yes. Where he was suddenly girls couldn't keep their hands off him. Yes.

George Grisard. He was gay. Look it up, folks. Yeah. And I think he once blew Perfect Hotelish. He was in a separate gas station. Well, Perfecto Talish. With Primo Carnera.

Really? Primo Carnera. No kidding. So I'm looking at Primo Carnera on the web, and I see George Grisard. Hey. Sorry. Tom. Tom Leopold.

Yeah. I know nobody knows who I am, but you don't even know who I am. No. Now, George Sikiris, Academy Award. Yes. He was like this incredibly handsome guy, great dancer. Yes, great dancer. I mean, extremely talented, extremely handsome.

What happened after West Side Story? Well, you know, he went to Europe and did a lot of movies over there. And he was a very good singer. And he was on with, who's that Greek, Melina McCurry? Melina McCurry. No, not her. Okay. Who's the one who wears the glasses?

Kali Savalas. Maria Kallis. Nina Miskura. Yes, that's her. Yes, I know you mean. Nina Miskura. Much younger. Which I wear just to bring out my her. Yes, I know you mean. Nina Mascura. Much younger. Which I wear just to bring out my eyes.

Sure. And I'm straight. It's attractive. Now, you said that Chevy Chase once got lost somewhere. You were telling us a story. His car broke down in the Hollywood Hills. Chevy told me this story. Chevy Chase.

And he said, oh, he's had so much money at that point. This is early in the big stardom. He just left the car. He starts walking down the street and the car pulls up. It's Paul Lynn. Chevy Chase. Get in his car. I used to do a pretty good...

I had memorized the Paul Lynn comedy album when I was a kid. Really? Oh, geez. But you're not gay. I had an old dog named Blue. I could hit him and he wouldn't care. Oh, he's got them chained in the chair. You know, that was his act. Anyway, so Paul Lynn gives Chevy a ride up to his house. Now, nothing untoward happened, but can you imagine if he, God forbid, because he was a drinker.

He liked his drink. He's liked his martinis, Mr. Lind, right? What if they had gone off the cliff and the rumors would have, they must have been gay lovers or something, Chevy and Paul. You know, something had, God forbid, happened then? And Paul Lind was, I've heard it

a few times, that Paul Lind was the most viciously anti-Semitic person you'd ever meet. I thought you were going to say, huge pussy hound. Yeah, that goes without saying. This whole gay thing is just a front. I heard backstage at Hollywood Squares when the other people would be— Loving Jews. Yeah, they'd be loving Jews and telling stories and laughing and having

a nice time. Paul Lynn would be bombed out of his skull and he'd go, oh, those fucking Jews. They're the reason I don't have a career. Yeah. Why would they be the reason he doesn't have a career? It's very strange. Did he ever go into more detail? Gilbert has no interest in this whatsoever, Tom. But tell us, before you were a comedy writer, you started out as an actor. I have no interest in this whatsoever. You did Mannix. You did, we talked about.

Gunsmoke. Gunsmoke. You sent a Gunsmoke episode. Oh, with Marshall Counselor Law. I did that with Wayne Newton. Oh. Wow. All of a sudden, we're on the set.

I'm on trial. I'm testifying against Wayne Newton, who's supposed to be my high school, my college professor. Imagine having a college professor who has his hair like that and the turquoise helmet, turquoise belt and the spanks under his pants. You know? Yeah. And it's like one whole piece. It's like a body spank. The pants and the shirt attach like a jumpsuit.

Yeah. And the doors open on the soundstage, and I don't know what's going on, and this white Rolls Royce pulls into the set, and he gets out. He doesn't even park in the street. He parks in the set. Incredible. Yeah. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this.

And you tell us about, we talked about this last time. Tell us about. Last time, the one that no one heard? Yes. The pilot? Tell us the pilot. Tell us about doing a TV movie with Robert Culp called Outrage. Well, I played a—

You were a young actor. I was about 22. You were like a thug. I was always a thug. In Mannix, I played the leader of the street gang named the Nomads. Me. Jewish kid from Miami. I weighed 128 pounds.

I'm from Miami. I mean, I could kick your ass. That's how pathetic— You could kick your ass. That's how pathetic. You forgot you could kick my ass. That's what a pussy I am. They couldn't get Christopher Tabori. So they called you. They wouldn't make his number.

I see. He was always getting the parts that we all wanted to get Christopher. Whatever happened to him? He was in a lot of that Quinn Martin stuff. And I would have thought you'd have Christopher Tabori on before me. We'll get him. He's even more famous than I am. Anyway,

but Robert Culp, yeah, I was there with Nicholas Hammond. He was in my gang. Sound of Music. Sound of Music and I would just,

the plot was I was just a spoiled rich kid who ran over his dog for no reason at all. Just for kicks. He's a veterinarian, right?

Like Johnny Cash. I shot a man just to see him die. I ran over a dog. Not quite as macho, but anyway. And it was just, you know, it was a great job. But I don't remember, what was my story? He was kind of an angry guy.

Oh yeah, a little bit angry. I think he liked his martinis too, because he was a little bit, come the end of the day, he was... Robert Culp. Yeah, and we used to just, we were so perverted. We just would shake his trailer and say, what do I want? Nothing, Mr. Culp. No, it's not a great story. And you also.

It's no George Shakira story. Now, so, was, did he have an attitude problem or just a drinker? I just think, you know, everybody went on. Steve McQueen went on to the movies after Bob and Ted, Carol Allison. Oh, yeah. That, you know, and maybe he was a little. That was a big hit. I have as big a part as him. You're working with a chimp. I'd be drunk too. He's working with, he might as well work with a chimp. He might as well get his brain transplanted to a chimp. And you were in a movie that had nothing to do with Chucky the Possessed Doll. No.

But you were in a movie called Child's Play. What was it? Child's Play. Yeah, it sounds better. It's more like it. I was in. Now, that might be interesting to your listener. Yeah.

I don't think so. So far, nothing else, Ash. Take a shot. Hey, you know, what am I going to do? Be less in demand? That couldn't possibly happen. I go to read for Sidney Lumet. I was 21 years old.

And I get the part in the movie in New York. And a really nice, two nice scenes in the movie called Child's Play. Not the part in the movie in New York and a really nice, two nice scenes in the movie called Child's Play. Not the one with the Chuck E. Cheese or whatever it is. Chuck E. the Robot. What was it? This took, what, Dahl. Yeah, this took place in like

a Catholic school. It took place in a boys Catholic school, right, and we shot it in Tarrytown and so I get the job and I say to Mr. Lemaitre, I say, you know, I'm 21 years old and I'm just out of high school like three years. And I had one scene with one lead actor, a really nice scene, and another nice scene with the other lead actor. And I say, well, who's playing these parts?

Who's the stars? He goes, oh, well, James Mason's playing that one. So I have a scene with James Mason. And I said, what about the other one? He goes, oh, Marlon's doing that one. So, I'm supposed to work on Monday. I'm working with Marlon Brando on Monday. And James Mason. James Mason, who cares?

You know, but I still don't. He's not a bum. He's not a bum, but yeah. I didn't, like, do, you know, seen some James Mason movies as a kid. I did the waterfront scene with the cab, you know. So all weekend, I'm working with Marlon Brando on Monday morning. First scene.

It's like, it could be a nice little one-act play, you know. I mean, I was kind of thinking, who am I going to drop from my friends? You know, who will be the first one I step on, you know. You know what I mean? Where are the little people? Which little people are no longer worthy of hanging around with you? I'm already too good for everybody I know, you know. So I get to the set.

They take us up to Tarrytown in a convent. And there's all these nuns going around. And now they have like men's room taped over the ladies because there's no men's rooms in a ladies' convent. Well, you know that. And I get there and I go, you know, and I'm like, I hardly eat all weekend. I'm ill. I'm just so nervous and crazed. And I said, where's Mr. Brandes? Oh, Marlon quit the picture on Saturday.

I go, oh, geez. Who'd they get? Robert Preston. They got Robert Preston. The music man. And I, oh, geez. Who'd they get? Robert Preston. They got Robert Preston. The music man. And I'm more excited now than I was for Marlon Brando because I knew everything

from the music man. And he was wonderful. So I do the scene with him. First scene. And at the end of the scene, I do my little scene. Turns out okay. He turns to the crew

and he goes, hey, everybody. You know that great voice he has? Tommy lost his cherry. Hey, everybody. Tommy lost his cherry. And I'm sitting there. I'm like, hi.

It was so sweet, Robert Preston. And I'm sitting there kind of waiting to do the next scene, the next day. And David Merrick, the big Broadway impresario, comes up. And I'm actually reading The Great Gatsby. I don't know. It's like the last book I read. Yeah. 1972.

And I hear somebody say, what do you think of that book? I go, that's all right. I look up. It's David Merrick. Sits down next to me. And a little later, he made it into the picture with Robert Redford. He was the producer. Sure.

And I said – The Mere Pharaoh. But that was all in the future. And he said, what do you think of it? I don't know. Yeah, it's not that great. I almost could have stopped that forgettable movie from ever being made. Yeah, it's not a very good one.

And then Shakira's come – no. Okay. That was it. Now, James Mason once blew you in a men's room of a gas station. Yes. I'm just able to talk about it now. Yes. He put something in my drink.

His balls. I think he put his balls in my drink. Now that I think of it. I'm going to dip my balls in your drink. In your drink. Now he's Jack Kennedy all of a sudden. A little cagney there. I'm going to put my balls in your drink. In your drink. Now he's Jack Kennedy all of a sudden. It's a little like Luke. It's Cagney there.

I'm going to put my balls in your drink. You know, I was thinking. You once blew James Cagney, I heard. I once blew James Cagney and Edgar Buchanan. Really? I was the baloney. Uncle Joe. I was the baloney in a Cagney Buchanan sandwich.

Pat O'Brien fucked you in the ass once. He tore my anal liningine on a bus. Really? Yeah. Would you be ashamed of my feelings? No. I don't think so. You licked.

You ate out. I licked Stubby K's taint. What, is there something wrong with that? Huh? I'll never forget. Stubby's taint was not at all like you picture it.

It wasn't at all the taint you picture when you picture Stubby K's taint. You know what I mean? I have some preconceived notions about it. Of course. And this is before people like Stubby K bleached their taint. Did you ever eat out Frank McHugh's

asshole? Frank McHugh's story. Frank McHugh loved to cram ice cream in his sink. Maple walnut. It's a little specific. It's good for detail. You want to be detailed in radio.

Frank McHugh. It paints a nicer picture that way's radio. You want to be detailed in radio. Frank McHugh. It paints a nicer picture that way. Why does he got to paint a picture in radio? It's just for TV where he can show a picture of his wrinkly, hairy sack. So you do the movie Child's Play. I love how Frank can get his right out of sucking ice cream out of Frank McHugh's ass. Back on track. Somebody has to keep it going.

Yeah. And you tell us about some of the auditions you did. You auditioned for the part of Fonzie. I almost was Fonzie. And tell us about that. And when you think of that, if that had happened, I wouldn't have to be here right now. No, that's not true. Can you do your Fonzie audition for us, please?

We interviewed Henry, so that's not necessarily true. Did Henry tell you I was auditioning with him? He did. And you interviewed Mickey Dolenz. And Mickey Dolenz, too. I once, you know, felched Mickey Dolenz. The what? I don't know.

Tell us about the Fonzie audition. Was it memorable? Did you see Dolenz or Winkler? Dolenz was there, too. Yeah. No, he wasn't there when I was, I didn't know he was up for it. Yes.

Well, it was after the monkeys. He was supposedly Gary Marshall's choice for the part because the Fonzie was supposed to be a big strapping guy. He was also up

for Sophie's choice. I didn't know that. Personal. That would have been a whole other way to go. For Stingo. No, for Sophie. Mm-hmm. By the way, I have a third choice Sophie could have made. But let's go Stingo. No, for Sophie. By the way,

I have a third choice Sophie could have made. But let's go. There's no time for that. Well, I knew Henry from New York. We had both been fired from separate plays in this one theater

that had two theaters in it. I was in one play. Henry was in the other. And we both got fired on the same day from the same theater, from different plays. What are the odds?

Yeah. So we were both up for this thing. And again, with my foreknowledge and my expertise, I thought, this is shit, too. Yeah. I had the nerve at 21 to say The Great Gatsby wasn't that good. And Gilbert's interested in this. You played Ted Knight's son. I did.

In the Ted Knight show. I did six episodes. Yes. Now, is this the one where he's like a cartoonist? No, no. Oh, that was the hit one. That was too close for comfort. This was one that was so horrible.

I played his son, Winston. Now, this is at the very beginning. AIDS had not yet reared its cancerous head. And he plays, first of all. Before you go any further, Ted Knight had a very small part in the Twilight Zone.

And he was in Psycho. Oh! Invasion of the Body Smashers. That's right. Oh, wow. I forgot about that. I would have talked to him about that. Yes. Call him now. But you're with a son. Son-in-law. It's going to be a long-distance call, my friend. Ted? Yes. Call him now. But you're with a son. Son-in-law. It's going to be a long-distance call, my friend. Ted.

Oh, he was a very nice guy. And so I get to the show. And talk about already not in any kind of reality at all. Ted Knight runs an escort service for straight men. And he had all these women on. One of them, no, it wasn't Maritz, Maritz, but there's all these women. And he runs an escort service, like an up and up,

oh, no, sexuality. You know, so it was like crazy. And I'm the teenage boy who just wants to make all these girls, right? And they did six episodes of it. And then I, if you've seen them, you know why I went into writing almost immediately after that. God, that sounds horrible. Oh, God, it's horrible. Which brings me to the question.

How did you make the transition into writing from acting? Well, I had started writing. I was writing while I was acting. I started writing at the Lampoon, National Lampoon at 21, me and Chris Guest. We started writing articles and then the radio hour, National Lampoon, National Lampoon at 21, me and Chris Guest. We started writing articles and then the radio hour, National Lampoon. So I'd be off doing some play in Boston or the Arena Theater or the Longmore Theater, and I'd be sending in this stuff. And I was so much more talented backstage being funny.

You know, and I thought to myself in those days, I thought, what am I going to be, Uncle Bill on the Waltons? What am I going to do? Where am I going with thought to myself in those days I thought what I'm gonna be Uncle Bill on the Waltons sometimes I was good sometimes I was too nervous to be good and you're right you know but I mean this is what I'm gonna and I'm so funny backstage and I thought you know and it just sort of evolved really and then um gosh Kristen I guess and I did a pilot called Flakes where we played two old Jewish women on a tandem walker and all this stuff. And then really the thing that really – I was doing a whole bunch of stuff. But the thing that really was a big break was Chevy hiring me to write his special The Year He Left Saturday Night Live. And that was a big deal. The Chevy Chase special.

Is that what it was called? Very good. You've done your homework. A lot of research. You've done your homework, my friend. What was that big deal. The Chevy Chase special. Is that what it was called? Very good. Yeah. Well, you've done your homework. A lot of research. You've done your homework, my friend. What was that like? Well, it was great. But how I got the job – well, I knew Chevy from the National Lampoon Radio Hour.

You know, when we were up there with Bill Murray and Belushi and Brian Murray and – so I knew Chevy from – But Belzer was around then too, wasn't he? Yeah. I didn't really – I really didn't get to know Belzer until later. Okay. But – and Chris Guest introduced me to him actually. We've been good friends ever since. So Chevy was gigantic then, you know, from Saturday Night Live.

He leaves. He's the biggest star in the country. And he called me up. Well, one day we were at a party at – this sounds name-dropping, but I don't know anybody outside of Chevy. You've already dropped Brando's name. I already dropped Shakira's. Perfecto. Yeah.

And so I'm at a loft party after 7-Eleven and Dan Aykroyd's loft and Chevy Chase comes up to me and he knew Chris Guest very well. They roomed together out in LA. And he sits down next to me, Chevy, and he goes, I hear you're the funniest guy. And I just went, yeah. And he thought that was so funny that I just said, yeah, without trying to be funny at all. And then a few weeks later, he leaves Saturday Night Live and I get a call from him. And he says, look, Chevy, I want you to write my first special for NBC.

But I only want you to do it if you can tell me that you actually said what I'm about to tell you that I heard you said. I said, well, what? Because Chris Guest Sisters is a really good friend of mine. We've been friends since we were teenagers. And I was doing this play in Boston, Moon Children. And she said, Tommy, can I come see your play? Oh, yeah. Can I stay with you?

I said, sure. I'll stay three or four days. I said, stay three. And he thought that was so. He said, did you say that? I go, yeah. He goes, okay, I want you to write my special. And that's how I wrote it. And that was your first television gig. No, no. I'd done stuff before, but that was

a big break. Now, Chevy is one of, I've worked with him and I've run into him a few times and he's one of those people I can use that classic line of, well, he was always nice to me. Right.

Now, because he's got. He has that rep, but he's always been great to me. Yeah. Now, you worked on his roast. I worked on his roast. I worked on a few specials after that, after the pilot. And I was in the first Lampoon vacation movie. They redid the – I had this really funny part where I was – remember Eddie Bracken was Wally.

Sure, sure. Well, the original ending was Chevy and his family were going to – they just drive up to his mansion and want something from Wally. mansion and want something from Wally. And so I was Wally World's Wally's assistant and Chevy holds a gun on me and makes me tap dance. And I did like a whole tap dance.

And then the movie comes out and they go to Wally World instead. They cut the whole end of the movie. They put John Candy in it. It was a better ending. Right, right, right. What was the question? Did you work with Bracken? I took Eddie Bracken to dinner at Musos.

That's great. After the shoot that day. He was great. He was great. There's a guy that probably had stories working with Sturgis. Interesting sack. That's a lot of detail. Tell me, when you picture Eddie Bracken's sack, what do you picture?

Quick, quick. Don't think. Don't think. All right. Sorry. Go ahead, Frank. And Steve Allen. Oh, I love Steve right. Sorry. Go ahead, Frank. And Steve Allen. Oh, I love Steve Allen.

Tell us about working with Steve. That, you know, he was my idol when I was growing up. I thought, God, how do you get that fast? You know, when we were kids watching Steve Allen, I loved Steve Allen. And Tom Poston and Don Knotts and Louis Nye. Louis Nye was one of my favorite comedians in the world. So right after the Chevy show, I started to get all these shows, like the McCoo and Davis Summer Hour. Oliver and I were talking about that.

Oh, yeah. Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Junior. From the fifth dimension. First day on that show, I went up to Billy Davis Junior and I said, come on, what's the truth? Why did you leave Will Mastin? He went, oh, yeah. But he didn't really like that I said that. Anyway, with Steve Allen, I just got hired to write on his show.

He had – back in this point, it sounds like 1951. The Steve Allen Summer Show. But it was a summer show, summer replacement for six episodes on NBC. And I got hired just as a writer. And the first day of work, we're at a location at a movie theater on some sketch. I don't remember even what it was. And I'm standing next to Steve Allen, who I adored, you know, everybody of my generation. He's like the Letterman of our generation. And he's very tall.

He's like 6'4". And he had a little round Band-Aid on his neck. You know, like when you have a pimple or cut yourself shaving. So I'm standing right next to him, and I swear, I don't know where I got the balls to do this, but I just reached up high and put my finger on the band-aid in his neck, and I just held it there, and I went, Gwen, bring my car,

have them bring my car around. Tell Tony I want a hair shave, I want my shoes, I want that manicure, the whole deal. And I just left it on there for a really long time. He just fucking laughed his head off. And then he puts me on the show because I wrote this piece for myself in it. And Catherine O'Hara was a writer, too, and she puts us both on. And we ended up singing and dancing with Kay Ballard and Donald O'Connor.

That's surreal. Wow. Yeah. And do we have time for a Donald O'Connor story? Sure. We got about an hour and 20 minutes. And then we'll get back to more jewelry made from chicken. But so Donald O'Connor, I mean, way even better than Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly.

I love Donald O'Connor. Love Donald O'Connor. And that's what I really wanted to be was like one of those guys, you know. You wanted to be a hoofer? Yeah. I just wanted to be like Donald O'Connor. Love Donald O'Connor. And that's what I really wanted to be was like one of those guys, you know. You wanted to be a hoofer? Yeah. I just wanted to be like Donald O'Connor. I don't know. And he's – we're doing – Steve had us doing dancing and like a review with stools, like a Plaza Nine review.

And it was corny. And Catherine O'Hara was in it. We were the two young people in tuxes and gowns. And Kay Ballard and Donald were – it was like one of those bad reviews, you know, like from gay bars to zay bars. You know, one of those things you'd see in the early 60s, a Plaza Nine review. And it was whatever. So after rehearsal one day, Donald O'Connor says, Tommy, he's like all through the day smoking, chain smoking Marlboros and putting nitroglycerin under his tongue. Nitroglycerin pills under his tongue and smoking and you know and he says to me tommy you know what i have a

gorgeous velvet jacket brown velvet and i wore it in this picture with marilyn monroe my name is still sewed into it from mgm john lecon i wore it in this dance scene with Marilyn Monroe. No business like show business? I'm too fat for it now. I got it at home. I'm going to bring it to you tomorrow. I'm like, God, Donald O'Connor's bringing me the Cody Warne. You know, it was like when I got the part on Brando. Whole night I can't even

sleep and I'm thinking this will just be the beginning of Donald O'Connor and my friendship. The coach starts it off and he probably has like a cuff link that he wore. I'm already like grave robbing him, you know? And I'm so excited, I can't even stand it. I get to the parking lot at the studio early before anybody. I'm just waiting for him to pull up in his car so that it looks like I'm just walking by.

I can't wait to get the car. So he pulls up, you know, and I get out, and I make it looks like I'm just walking by. I can't wait to get the car. So he pulls up, you know, and I get out. I make it look like I'm just kind of going in. I wasn't waiting for him. And he gets out of the car, doesn't have the coat. And he goes, hey, Tommy. Hey, Donald. Hey, Mr. Donald.

Yeah. Never mentions the coat again. And I never brought it up. And that's why I can't read. So you never got the coat. I never brought it up. And that's why I can't read. So you never got the coat. I never got the coat. And people say, well, why didn't you ask him? I'm not going to ask him.

I don't want to embarrass him. Wow. What do you make of that? Gilbert, you're into psychology. I stopped listening to the story a while ago. Let's get back. It kind of dragged along and has no ending whatsoever.

That's the thing about that story. Watch his eyes light up, Frank. Watch it. King Donovan. Okay. King Donovan. Huh? Yeah.

Do I know how to get his body snatched? It's a very long story and then it's kind of like a joke that has no punchline. Well, you're trying to ask me my, let's not talk about my career anymore. It's boring. like a joke that has no punchline. Well, you're trying to ask me my, let's not talk about my career anymore. It's boring. Okay.

Yeah. You've met Jerry Lewis a few times. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wonderful. We went, Belzer became like his son. He even called him dad. It's so strange.

It's so weird. It's so weird. What is happening there with Belzer and Jerry Lewis? They're like a couple now. Yeah, it's like a long lost summer. And the dog. And the dog. Yeah, of course, the dog's always got to be there.

Belzer's a therapy dog. It's not a therapy dog. You know that Belzer took his dog to see Spamalot? Oh, yeah, he's with that dog every second. Imagine you buy tickets for, you wait a year to get tickets to Spamalot, and Belzer's sitting there with his dog. The dog in its own seat? I don't know. Interesting.

He just says he's a therapy dog. He's not really a therapy dog. No, of course. So anyway, Belzer arranges for Jerry Lewis, who had a daughter the age of my daughters at the time, like 13, to have brunch on a Saturday morning at Fiorello's in the back room. Again, I'm just – I can't believe I'm meeting these people because it's like if I had thought as a kid in Miami, it's like me going to – you know, in the NASA program or something that I would ever get. These moments to be with these people that I absolutely worship. I had – once I had to be rushed to the hospital because of Jerry.

I told Jerry this story. And we had this brunch at Firo. I would get asthma. Whenever I would get extremely happy, I would get blue and wet my pants and be rushed to the hospital. Every birthday party, my mom would bring out the cake and the kids were there. And I'd be so happy. I'd just be so happy that I couldn't breathe, blackout, pants would be wet, rushing out. I'd come back.

My brothers were fighting over my presence and stuff. But one day, you know, with him and Dean, I'm watching. I'm like six or seven. They're still together. And they're at the ballgame. And Jerry's eating peanuts. And he's with a beautiful chick. And Jerry's watching the game, stuffing peanuts.

And he chokes. And he grabs Dean. He shakes Dean. And he says, Dean, Dean, I got a peanut in my neck. And I thought that was in his neck. I have a peanut in my neck. Yeah. I got laughing so hysterically.

I had to go. My doctor had to come over and give me adrenaline. Really? I told Jerry that story. He goes, yeah, that's pretty funny. But anyway, he was lovely. He was great. Well, Gilbert, you've met him too.

Oh, yeah. You've met him a hundred times. See, I was hoping the story would end. And then he says he had a coat. Yes. He had a double-collar coat. I walked in, and there was Jerry Lewis wearing Donald O'Connor's jacket. Yeah, I wish I had thought of that.

You met him. You ran into him recently, didn't you, Gil? Yes. Yeah. I ran into him, and I had the pleasure of saying he said, Gilbert, you crazy cocksucker. That's pretty nice. Yeah.

It's flattering. Wish he had insulted me in that manner. Tell us about seeing Jessel on the Queen Mary. Gilbert's. And you wanted to mention Whit Bissell. I think now would be the time. Well, let me wit my Bissell for a minute. Because Gilbert used to do Whit Bissell. Do me a favor. the time. Well, let me wit my Bissell for a minute. Gilbert used to do Whit Bissell.

I love that. Oh, it's too long a bit. It would be kind of like your Donald O'Connor story. Yeah, I see what you mean. Thanks. You're right. Did I ever tell you about the time I was working with Donald O'Connor? Yeah. And he said,

I've got a pair of shoes. I've got a pair of shoes. I've got a pair of shirts. Yes. I wore in Bermuda Farewell with Helen Kling and Bill Lundy. Bill Lundy.

You know, Lundy would be... I saw him the next day and he didn't have the shoes. I guess you're right. It doesn't really have an ending, does it? Well, it's a sad ending, but it's still an ending.

Well, it's kind of a... Oh, I have another story. Can I tell a story about. It doesn't really have an ending, does it? Well, it's a sad ending, but it's still an ending. Well, it's kind of a... Oh, I have another story. Can I tell a story about... Okay. It's an... Yes. It's every bit as good. Why does every story have to end funny?

What's the matter with you? Now, this... I'm 12 years old. I'm taking acting... You are? Not now. Not currently. I'm sorry.

But thank you. It's nice of you don't say that. I have the body of a 12-year-old. It's in my crawl space, actually. But I'm taking acting lessons at 12. I know I want to be in showbiz. And in Miami, in Coral Gables, there was a theater called the Studio M. I want to be in showbiz.

And in Miami, in Coral Gables, there was a theater called the Studio M. And every year, Tennessee Williams would write these plays in Key West and bring them up to the Studio M and, you know, kind of workshop them and stuff. Sweetbird of Youth, all this stuff. And the woman who ran the theater was like a big shot in Miami in the early 60s, big Ruth Foreman. And I'm the only kid in the acting class. They're all adults. And she says, next week, bring in a piece that really is meaningful for you. Could be anything.

Could be anything. Now, at the time, I was just in love with the Jolson story with Larry Parks. Oh, my God. Crazy about it. Yes. Had the record. You know, I loved everything. I would just stay in my room and mime Larry Parks and imitate Larry Parks imitating George Jackson, imitating Al Jolson.

So I decided I'm going to mime. There's a rainbow around my shoulder and the sky blue above. Let it rain and storm. I'll keep warm because I'm in love. I do the whole move. I had every, I'm 12. Chubby from the, from the quarter zone. And I end up on one knee and I I think, this is going to kill.

This is going to be great. I bring the record to Studio M. You know, other people got up and did scenes from Uncle Vanya and The Rainmaker. All right, Tom, you're next. I go up. I give the guy the record, the Jolson record. He puts it, you know, the record. Puts it on.

There's a rainbow around my shoulder and the sky blue above. You know, I do the whole thing. Let it rain and storm. I'll keep warm because I'm in love. And I get down on one knee. My arms are stretched out like Al Jolson, you know, in a mammy pose. And the record's going like that. Guy takes it off. I'm still, my arms are stretched. She's in the front row, Ruth Foreman. Long pause. Doesn't say anything. Finally, I got to stand up, you know. She still doesn't say anything. Finally,

she says, you know, all the students are looking at her. What's she going to say? I'm 12 years old. And she goes, record pantomime is the lowest form of show business. Wow. Which is not even true because ventriloquism is the lowest form of show business. Wow. Oh. Which is not even true because ventriloquism is the lowest form of show business.

Thank you. That's exactly what I told him. Not even accurate. I think geek. It's under geek. It's right under geek for sure. Even better than the Al Jolson story was Jolson Sings Again. But better than that is what you reminded me of, and I've looked it up on YouTube, the Eddie Cantor ending.

Oh, my God, yes. Talk about surreal. Yeah, because Keith Brazell is playing him throughout the whole movie. I just want to applaud Keith Brazell. And then at the very end is an old, depressed, sickly-looking Eddie Cantor. He just had a heart attack just when they said Roland comes in. And his wife will look like William Bendix with a wig. And it's like they're watching the movie, the Eddie Cantor story.

They're watching the movie that we just had to sit through. And then she goes, how are you, Eddie? And he goes, I've never felt better in my life. Now, when I saw that, you reminded me of that one. It was suicidal. But also, what the hell is going on? Is he in the movie? Is that another guy?

It's like when Eddie, if I may, you remember the Eddie Duchenne story? Oh, yes. Kim Novak with those great cans. Yes. So, I was a kid when that came out, and I'm watching that. I loved it. I had the music by oh, gosh, Carmen Cavallaro played the music, right? So, I'm watching that movie, and at the end of it,

we know he's going to die, Eddie Duchenne. Yeah. You reading your mail, Frank? Just looking for something to ask you, buddy. Oh, that's die, Eddie Duchin. Yeah. You reading your mail, Frank? Just looking for something to ask you, buddy. Oh, Ed Gaskell, $89.95. If this story is anything like the Donald O'Connor story,

I'm going to start reading my mail. I'm going to read my phone bill. I'm going to read my SAG card. So in the whole movie, he's dying for the whole movie, Eddie Duchin. And then he ignores his son for the whole movie. But at the end of it, he's in his grand Central Park apartment, and he has two pianos there, and he's playing piano with his son. But his son knows that Eddie Duchin is going to die any minute.

So he's playing piano with his son, and all of a sudden, Tyrone Powers, Eddie Duchin, kind of... He gets like... Obviously, he's getting sick, and his son... They cut to his son is looking at him, and Eddie is missing notes on the keyboard, and they cut to his son again. And when they cut back, the doors have swung open. There's wind coming in, and he's disappeared. And I thought to myself,

what kind of... What kind of god of disease is this where your suit disappears? All right. Sorry. Now, also in the Eddie Cantor story, some guy runs in to Eddie's apartment with the most phony-looking nose. Oh, I was going to say newspaper. Yeah, a phony-looking big nose.

Durante? Yeah. And he's going, hey. A phony-looking big nose. Durante? Yeah. And he's going, hey, Eddie, ha-cha-cha. Like you said, ha-cha-cha all the time. Yeah, in real life, all the time. But the best part of the Al Jolson sings again is when Larry Parks, as Larry Parks, meets Larry Parks as Al Jolson. It's Pirandello. That is surreal.

It's in the worst split screen effects ever. Wow. Off subject, fortunately. I was thinking the other day, I woke up and you have things come to you in there just as soon as you wake up. I thought, you know how Woody Allen used to have that bit, what he would think of to keep from coming, the baseball? Keep from premature ejaculation. I thought,

what if, you know, you could also imagine, you know, if you really had a problem with it, you had to go more than that. You could imagine Alvin Costello fucking. Lou! Lou! Give it to me! Give it to me, Lou! Give it to me, give it to me, Lou Give it to me, Lou Split me in half, Lou

Split me in half, Lou Blow the gorilla, Lou Split me in half, Lou Oh, shit Now look what you did, Lou You broke the condom Hey, look Okay

I've said this in a few of the podcasts already And I don't care My favorite death scene Yes Can it get hotter in here? No I feel like Alec Guinness in the treasure He's in that box

The retro-require Yeah, we're gonna wrap it up in a minute The little box they put him in My favorite death scene Can it get hotter in here? No. I feel like Alec Guinness in the treasure. He's in that box. The rich and the rare. We'll wrap it up in a minute. The little box they put him in. My favorite. Let Gilbert do his button-loose. Yeah. Of all time. Yes. Is in the button-loose story.

Yes, I know. You've told me that. Oh, yes. Tell it again. Okay. Tell it again. So, Buddy Hackett. But also, your beef always was that Buddy Hackett was so slow.

It was awful. Bad timing. Watch your guy. Hey, man. Do you think they said that we're short? Yeah, stretch. Yeah, stretch. So he's lying in the hospital bed after a heart attack,

and Arnie Johnson from La from laughing, is his agent. Eddie Sherman. Yes. And he goes. Very interesting. And he goes. And Artie reaches under his jacket and takes out a strawberry malted. And he goes, this is because you were a good boy.

Because all the time he's going, I'm a bad boy. Give me your cock, Lou. Yes. I'm a bad boy. He takes a sip. He's in the hospital bed, very weak, but he hacked it. As Lou Costello takes a sip of this, and he goes, no, Eddie. I had a lot of st, every mortgage in my day.

But this one's the best. And he closes his eyes and dies. It's brilliant. It's just like Camille. You think that Eddie put something in there? Just to get out of the movie? Just so the movie would end? We have to wrap it up

I got more stories okay I got more even worse stories when you think he's dead he opens his eyes again and goes did I ever tell you when I met Donald O'Connor

he gave me his shit he promised to do some little kid shows Donald O'Connor. Oh, get out of here. How dare you? He gave me his. That's another callback. He promised to do some little kid show. Now, you've written some classic television episodes, which I know our listeners, our Seinfeld fans, you wrote the Babu episode of Seinfeld. I created Babu Bot, the cafe. And Suicide, Drake's Cakes one. And Drake's Cakes. J.F. Kennedy, Kennedy Assassination, I was one of the writers on that.

And, you know, contributed. And Achiever Letters with Kramer. My mother also wrote other series. My mother, The Chimp. Now, when you were on— A Bridge for Jimmy. Yep. Remember that?

I heard when you were a writer on Seinfeld that Seinfeld one time said to you, you know, I have a jacket. No! How dare you? I'm kind of fat now. Yeah, but you know, one thing Jerry did like, though, I would do a bit for Jerry and Larry where I sort of perfected it. It was an actor coming in to read for a role,

and he's reading the role, and he accidentally farts during the reading. And it's all the network executives and the women and the secretaries are there and he's so embarrassed reading it that he has a stroke and the left side of his face and body are paralyzed and he has to drag himself with just the drool out of it and going at the end

will you be calling my agency I'm a just because he farted he's so embarrassed he was he had a grand mal seizure. Good night everybody. I want to plug your book

before we go. Thank you. Which you can still find on Amazon. Milton Marty the longest lasting and least successful comedy writing duo

in showbiz history with art by cover art by the great Drew Friedman. And it's a hilarious book. And you can still get it on Amazon. Gilbert, where are you appearing? Nowhere. After this, I'll be doing my one-man show called My Meeting with Donald O'Connor.

Any of these stories you want to use? Anyone. If I may right now. One time I was working with Donald O'Connor. Listen, any of these stories you want to use, anyone, they're yours, my friend. If I may right now, one time, I was working with Donald O'Connor. Just say it out loud.

He's incorrigible, isn't he? I wouldn't encourage him. You want to take us out on the George Jessel story? Oh, yes. Real quick? I'm working on a special with Rob Reiner,

Chris Guest, and Harry Scherer. Actually... Just to interject, the TV show. The TV show. And was that the first appearance of Spinal Tap? Yeah, very first appearance of Spinal Tap.

Paul Schaefer tells me Harry Shearer hates me. Go to side. Anyway. How am I supposed to say that? You know, Harry hates you. Harry hates everybody. Oh, okay. If Harry doesn't hate you, you got a problem.

Yeah. He was nice to me. That's what I mean. Yeah. That's my case. I don't know what it That's what I mean. That's my case. I don't know what it is, Gil. Yeah, that's my case. So we hear that someone goes, hey, guys, you guys will like this.

George Jessel is doing an afternoon show at four in the afternoon. Great time to appear. at four in the afternoon. Great time. Great time to appear. In the theater at the Queen Mary, which is now in Dry Dock in Long Beach. But it was already like three and he's going on at 4.30.

And we're in, you know, we're in the valley. So we go, well, don't we have to write the rest of the show? Fuck that. George Jussel's appearing in the Queen. So we drive so fast. Who is it? You, Reiner? Reiner, Harry, Chris Guest.

That was it. Okay. Maybe somebody else. I don't remember. So we get there. We run up the gangplank. Like the end of On the Town, the free sale. He's going, On the Town, we're going to have some comedy.

And we get in there. We go to the grand ballroom of the Queen Mary now. And there's three old women, you know, with oxygen in their noses and the tanks and everything. And we go right down. We're in time. Thank God we're in time. You know, we drove like maniacs. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Georgie Jessel, the Toastmaster General.

He's wheeled out in a wheelchair and he's wearing the Eisenhower jacket with the medals. And the tube with the price tag still on it. You know, that one. Oh, God. Turn to the right. You know, the tube is facing. Oh, jeez. The tube is facing to the side.

Every time he turns his head, the tube stays in the same place. But he turns his head. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the show. And he started doing these bits and, like,, but he turns into it. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the show. And he started doing these bits, and we just couldn't believe it. And he did Hello Mama. You remember Hello Mama? Oh, yes.

Hello Mama, this is your son. So George is just 97, and he's doing a phone call to his mama. Hello Mama. And Mama's trying to make him go out with a girl, a daughter of one of her friends. And he's going, the teeth, trying to keep the teeth in. Just keeping the teeth in was already a major. There's a thing called glue for the head. You put the glue from the hair on his teeth and then whatever.

And he goes, hello, Mama. What, Mama? Mama, I don't want to meet a young girl, Mama. What, Mama? Mama, I don't want to meet... What, Mama? I don't want to meet a young girl, Mama. What, Mama? 97 years old. In the medals. And the Eisenhower jacket. You know?

Sure. So, what, Mama? I'm not going to come over to Mrs. Reuberwitz's house and meet her yet. What? No, Mama. And so finally he does all that stuff and we're just, and he's always got the eye dripping, you know, the eye is dripping some kind of like viscous, some kind of viscous fluid.

It's like, I don't know what, like fluid from like any cancer fluid is coming out of his eyes. And at the end of the show, and we're like pulverized, just not trying not to laugh and just can't believe our good fortune. And finally he goes, well, you know what time it is now? Now there's only one woman died. The other two are being frozen. The other two women are being frozen.

And he says, take this chair away. Take it away. And we hear this music, and it's You're a Grand Old Flag. He stands up and and it's you're a grand old flag he stands up and he goes you're a grand old flag and he's standing up like a teetering

flying flag and it was you know that's no way to do that did he do he gave me his Eisenhower jacket oh really

yes see I brought it all the way around it would have been better if you said and then he said you know I have a jacket here from Donald O'Connor. I wore it on the USO show with Kay Mae Quistel. Did Donald O'Connor, Mae Quistel, who was Betty Boop?

Betty Boop, yes. Yeah. Thank you. Georgie Jessel, did he do it? One bright and shining light. Of course. Right. We all went like, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you got to and shining light. Of course. Right. We all went like, yeah.

Yeah. Alright. We used to do a thing. We'd go to see our gang of guys. You know, you're part of it too. We'd go. We went to see this guy, Nicky Danetti, who did a show called The Playography. Oh, the Bad Entertainment Nights. Yeah, Bad Entertainment Nights. There's this guy,

Nicky Danetti, who did an evening of Frank Sinatra's life called The Playography. This was in a Chinese restaurant in Dallas. Harry Shears said, I'm picking up in five minutes. We're going to go see this guy, Nicky DiNetti, do Sinatra, The Playography. Now, the first time we saw it, of course, we saw it many times after that,

there was other people in it. There was a guy playing, a woman who would play all the parts like, what was her name, the no-chin woman who – the columnist. Oh, Katie. Katie. Yes. Yes.

Dorothy Kilgallen. Dorothy Kilgallen. And then finally there was a whole thing where he wouldn't pay anybody. So the next time we went to see him, it was just him doing all the lines. OK. That's it. No ending. And he ended up managing Sly Stone.

Oh. Sly Stone. Now managing Sly Stone. Oh. Sly Stone. Sly Stone. Is he living out on the street now? That's what I heard. Is he alive even? Yeah, he's alive. He's got the whole family stone.

Can't they take him in? Take him in? He's got a whole family stone to ask to. I heard sometimes he puts on an artificial nose. Now, let me inka-dinka-dink. Oh, come on, Jimmy. Stop that. You're not on stage now.

Inka-dinka-dinky. I took out Jimmy Durante's daughter once. You did? Yeah. Real quick. She gave me blow. Imagine Jimmy Durante's daughter gave me blow. True story.

I heard when you... You'd think it'd be a lot because Jimmy Durante's daughter gave me blow. True story. I heard when you... You think it would be a lot because Jimmy Durante had a big nose. No. Not that I took the blow. When you were fucking her... I didn't... Hey, I never said that. Did she go...

Everybody tries to get into my cunt. Stop the music. Stop the semen. Stop the semen. Good fun. Tell us real quick what Gene Bailoff said to you at the Friars Club when you asked him how he was doing. Goodbye, Mrs. Calabay. The great Gene Bailoff. Lou, put it in, Mrs. Calabay. The great Gene Bailiff.

Lou, put it in, Lou. I'm a man. Paul Shea, you know Gene Bailiff, the comedian? Sure, sure. Yes. Gilbert's a fan. Paul Shea went in there one day to have lunch at the Friars. We go, Gene Bailiff?

And Paul says to Gene Bailiff, hey, Gene, how you doing? He goes, not good, Paul. I just came from the doctors. He put a glass tube in my prick. All right. Good to know, Gene. The golden years. You know what I mean?

Well, you can't top that. We've been talking to Tom Lee and Paul. Is the engineer still here? Did Frank go home? We've been talking to Tom Lee and Paul. Tell the talking to Tom Leopold here at Nutmeg Post. And thank you. Guest of Frank V. Thank you, Frank.

Thanks, Nutmeg. I'm Gilbert Gottfried. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. And Tom Leopold is going to come back another time and tell us parts he left out of the Donald O'Connor story. I left, like, the real good funny crap out of it. I'll just come back and tell you the really funny crap that I forgot. Thanks, Tommy.

Thank you, guys. I love you. Love you, too. Love you back.