Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 57. Bill Scheft

Episode Date: June 29, 2015

Standup, novelist and comedy writer Bill Scheft spent 24 years as David Letterman's confidante, right-hand man and head monologue writer, being nominated for 15 Emmys in the process. A few days after Dave's farewell, Bill stopped by Manhattan's Nutmeg Studios to talk about his two-plus decades in late night and to regale Gilbert and Frank with beloved showbiz tales about everyone from Larry David to Redd Foxx. Also, Bill pens jokes for the Oscars, praises the commitment of Martin Short and pays tribute to the British Invasion. PLUS: Slappy White! Larry "Bud" Melman! Bogie goes postal! The infamous "Uma, Oprah" bit! And Jerry Lewis sings The Who! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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So one of the reasons why advertisers love Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal podcast is that they know the show has amazing listeners. So about once a year, we run a listener survey to help demonstrate this to advertisers. And right now we have an all-new survey that Gilbert and I would like you to take to help us learn more about our audience. So just go to podsurvey.com slash Gilbert. The survey only takes about five minutes. We're going to ask you some questions about yourself, what you'd like to buy, but it's completely anonymous. Your answers help us find advertisers that are matched to you, your interests, and the show. When you're finished, you can enter a monthly drawing to win a $100 Amazon gift card. What do you think of that, Gilbert? Well, what kind of questions are you going to ask them?

Because we can't get too personal. No, no, no. There's some questions I'd like to ask, but I'd like to know how far. And there are certain questions that if I ask our listeners, I don't think I want to know the answers. I get that. I don't want to know the answers either. Once again, that's podsurvey.com slash Gilbert. And by the way, you don't have to take the survey. Yes. So you don't have to reveal anything.

And please don't tell my audience to slash Gilbert because they'll take it literally. Absolutely. Thanks for helping us find the best advertisers so that we can keep the show free. Take it literally. Absolutely. Thanks for helping us find the best advertisers so that we can keep the show free. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. We're here at Nutmeg Post. Let me say that a little. That's all right.

And don't forget Frank's plug. And Frank is... Verderosa. Verderosa. Verderosa. Like Ponderosa with a ver. Okay. Yeah. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast.

And I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and we're here at Nutmeg Post with Frank Verderosa. Yay, Frank. Our guest this week is a comedian, author, sports writer, columnist, and an Emmy-nominated television writer who spent the last 24 years as a monologue writer, confidant, and self-described corner man to the recently retired talk show legend, David Letterman. So, now he's out of work, basically. Not basically. Which is why we have time to sit with him.

So, ladies and gentlemen, my old stand-up buddy, Bill Schaaf. This is an unbelievable pleasure. And I'll tell you why. As I told your wife, every time I run into you, there's a million stories I want to tell you, and I can't remember any of them. So when I got booked months ago, I wrote them all down. And I just want to tell you, the last time I saw you was at Caroline's. It was some event.

I don't know. You know, some charity, you know, big brother-in-law, something like that. And you're there with your wife and your son, and Richard Belzer comes down the stairs, and he says, Gilbert, and Dara, and my, I mean, your son. That was the last time I saw you. And it's, like I said, I have a million things to catch up with you about and not enough time. And they're all about comics. Oh, okay. They're all about comics and they're all about people we know in various degrees.

Usually with comics, you won't find anything having to do with neuroses. No, not at all. Or being screwed up in any way. Tell us the first time you saw Gil on stage, Bill, before you jump into that. The first time I saw him on stage, of 1981, which means I was allowed to hang out till three in the morning and not go on. And I saw – and Gilbert was going on late at night and it was just a revelation to see. And I remember a lot of the bits. And I just told Dara a bit that I used to do that I used to love.

There were a lot of sort of props on the back of the stage at Catch. And one of them was an old rotary dial phone. And in the middle of the set, Gilbert would pick up the phone and put the earpiece and just start rolling his eyes like he couldn't get off the phone and just rolling his eyes and then flapping his hand like the guy wouldn't stop talking. And doing a jerk off. Doing a jerk off. Right. And it just would go on and on for about five minutes and he wouldn't say a word. And finally, he would put his hand over the receiver and say to the audience dean martin

and then go back yeah i used to love that i used to love that and it went on and and of course with each succeeding time he did it it went on longer and longer and i remember one night somebody uh One night, somebody in the middle of your set, a couple, got up and walked out. And Gilbert, who never interacted with the crowd, said, why are you leaving? And the woman said, we don't think we should have to sit through some comic doing impressions of people from the 1940s. And as they walked out, Gilbert said, but I also do people from the 30s. It was the only time I ever saw you interact with the audience. Isn't that great? That was great. I wanted to tell you, years ago, I was

in Las Vegas, and I was working at the Riviera with a guy, Rick Corso, who's a pretty good guy, very good impressionist. And so we finish, and we go to see Red Fox at the Sahara. And Slappy White is opening for me. And I'd worked with Slappy. I'd worked with Slappy in Houston. And when you worked the gig in Houston, they gave you a rental car for the week. And it was one of those cars.

It was like something that they had bought from like a driving school because the brakes were the brakes and the gas pedal were very high up. And I would say to Slappy, yeah, let's get into Billy Barty's car. And every time we get the car, you go, Billy Barty. You know, so we love that. So now I go we go to see Slappy and we go to see Red. And afterwards, we go back into Red's dressing room. And this is what Red says. I'm going to open a club here in Las Vegas, and it's going to be just for comics. And it's going to have a big stage and a great sound system. And there's going to be a little room in the back where you can get your dick sucked and have a sandwich.

He had figured it all out. Wow. He had figured it all out. Wow. He had figured it all out. What a great club. What a concert. I mean, he's really figured it all out. Big stage, sound system in the little room in the back. And of course, the other great story about Red that I heard was after Sanford and Son hit, they gave him a summer variety special.

And Bob Einstein was the head writer before he became Super Dave and all that stuff. Super Dave, right. Albert Brooks' brother. Right, right. So he's the head writer. So now they set up for a sketch and it's all set up and somebody get Red. Now they set up for a sketch and it's all set up and somebody get red and they can't find him and he won't come down and he can't – and so finally they send Bob Einstein up. So Bob Einstein goes up to the dressing room and he's knocking on the door. Nothing. He's knocking on the door.

Nothing. Red, red, nothing. Finally, he puts his hand on the door. He realizes the door is open. He opens the door. Finally, he puts his hand on the door. He realizes the door is open. He opens the door.

There is a naked hooker. And Red is naked, snorting a line of coke off the hooker's ass. And Red turns around, sees Bob Einstein, and says, can a motherfucker relax? I heard that one. Incredible. That one. Incredible. That one. I just, at the Letterman Rap, Chris Rock had never heard that story. Jerry had heard it. We were talking because they were both in the final top ten.

And Chris had never heard that story, of all people. Isn't there a Red Fox story about him? What's the one where he shows up and there's a flooding? Well, Billy Crystal, of course, claims that he was in the audience for that, that he was one of the five people in the audience. And the story is that – That's a good one. It's at the Sahara. It's the late show.

And there's five people in the audience. And it's, you know, ladies and gentlemen, the Sahara is proud to present Red Fox Full Band. That red comes out. And now he's behind the mic. And he's behind the mic. He says, there's five fucking people here. I ain't doing no fucking show for five fucking people. Turns around, walks out, ban. Ba-da-ba-da.

Red Fox, ladies and gentlemen. Because they were just told to play them on and play them off. That's a great one. But of course, Billy Crystal was there. He's zealous. He was there that night. Now the other thing, the other time that I saw you recently was it was a sad occasion.

Richard Jenny had passed away, and he was a good friend of both of ours. I had worked with him, and he was. I worked with him, too. Yeah, he was a great. He was one of those guys that he really should have just lived on stage because he could not handle life off stage. On stage, he was great, and that's why he would do two, three hours. Great joke writer.

Great joke writer. Really just a great performer. So I had lunch with Adrian, my wife, Adrian Tull. She's a comic who knows you longer than she knows me. And let me just tell you this story about one night at Catch a Rising Star with Gilbert and Adrian. This is a tremendous story. I know where this is going already. Adrian happened to be wearing a tight top that night.

And Gilbert walks up to her in the bar and says, let me see your tits. And Adrian says, cost you 10 bucks. And Gilbert says, 10 bucks. I don't want to see your cunt. Absolutely true story. So Adrian and I are having dinner with Rich Jenny. And I say, listen, I've been telling this story about you for years. And I don't even know whether it's true or not.

And Jenny says, go ahead, tell me the story. He gets a part in the Clint Eastwood movie Bird about Charlie Parker. And he gets the perfect part for a comic, which is one scene that's all him. It's the perfect part. That's all any comic wants. They want one scene where it's all them and they want to leave. So now

he shows up, and he shows up on time, which Jenny never did. And Clint Eastwood is renowned for every movie is under budget. Every day is an eight hour day. No more. He's loved by the studios because he just works right on the money.

So he doesn't waste anybody time, anybody's time. Everybody does their homework. So now and he also films rehearsals. So now Jenny shows up for his scene and Clint says, okay, let's rehearse this scene. So Jenny does his scene. It's all him. And Clint says, okay, that was good, but could

you do it less angry? And Jenny, in front of the cast and the crew and everybody else says, I'm too angry. Here's a guy, comes into town, kills everybody. Clint Eastwood walks by the AD and else says, I'm too angry. Here's a guy, comes into town, kills everybody. Clint Eastwood walks by the AD and just says, get rid of him. That is it.

Jenny says, not only is that story true, he says, you tell it better than I do. And I didn't tell that at his memorial. I couldn't believe that. Get rid of him. So that's my Rich Jenny story. He was an original man. He was a piece of work. That's where I met Gilbert.

On Working for Rich Jenny. Wow. On Caroline's Comedy. That's right. Gilbert came on and did an indecent proposal parody where he played Robert Redford.

I was Robert Redford. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's right. Okay. We're not made offord. I was Robert Redford. Okay, okay, okay, that's right. We're not made of stone. I see it. Now, whenever Gilbert and I are together,

we end up talking about a Buddy Mantia who was a regular at Catch. Yeah, we know Buddy. Yeah, we know Buddy, but this is not about Buddy Mantia. This is about Buddy Mantia was in a group, Alto and Mantia, but before that, they were a threesome called the Untouchables.

And the third guy was the funny guy, Marvin Braverman. And the greatest story I ever heard about Marvin Braverman is the Elephant Man. The movie comes out and it's a sensation. So now he's in a packed theater and and they're watching The Elephant Man. Packed theater. And there's a scene in The Elephant Man where The Elephant Man goes to the tailor and tries on a suit. And he's in the three-way mirror. And he says to the tailor, how do I look?

And Marvin Brauman from the full theater goes, the truth? And Marvin Brauman from the full theater goes, the truth? That's a great one. I remember with the Untouchables, they had a song they would open with that was, I think, originated by Whedon, Finkel, and Faye. Wow. Wow. By Weedon, Finkel, and Faye. Ah!

Wow. And they originated the song with their act, and then the Untouchables took it. We're just a couple of guys with class. Yeah. We're up to our elbows in class. We know a million stories how the farmer's daughter got laid. But we're so goddamn classy that we piss lemonade. We're a couple of guys with class.

Right. Did they do sketches? They did musicals? Yeah. They had the gangster sketch. They had the gangster sketch. They did The Wizard of Oz in Italian. They had the soap opera sketch.

They did West Side Story. Oh, yeah. It was a whole – yeah. It was just classics. And they would kill. They would kill and then their audience passed away. So then they went up, Buddy and Bobby, and they would work in the mountains and they would kill. They would kill.

And I remember they could never they had the big gangster sketch and they could never get the ending quite right. This is 20 years they were working and here's one ending that

and you can't believe, I don't know how this didn't work, but the – it's Bobby Alto who had a great face. He died a few years ago at the 2-1 pitch. And he had a great face and he was the mother. And Buddy is the gangster on the lam and he goes to see his mother. At the end, she's sick. She's sick. And so the line is, here's how they close. And then they would sing Sonny Boy was the end.

But the last line was, oh, oh, it's all going black. Your eyesight, my, no, the neighborhood. I love you so sonny boy. That was an ending that didn't work. That was an ending that didn't work. Well, we owe Buddy

a debt of gratitude. He hooked us up with Barbara Felden for the podcast, which was very nice of him to do. Well, you know what, Larry Amoros,

when they were dating, Larry Amoros used to call them 99 and 100. That's funny. I have two Larry Amoros used to call them 99 and 100. That's funny. I have two Larry Amoros stories. One is – and Larry and we were all together at Catch and Larry is my oldest friend in comedy. I hope Larry listens to the podcast. I hope he does too.

I hope someone listens to the podcast. My favorite bit of Larry's was he would talk about how his father never had a bad word to say about anybody. And they would try and test him all the time. So one time Larry says, oh yeah, well what about John Wayne Gacy? He murdered 38 people

and he buried them under his house. And the father said, well he wasn't lazy and he was a homeowner. So that was a bit of Larry's. And Larry also had, I think, the most unique exchange with somebody in the audience that I ever heard. And for my money, the funniest because nobody could have ever come up with it except Larry. He's on stage at Caroline's when it was down on the docks. And there's a guy in front and he's emceeing and he was – and anybody – he was – I

think he was the best emcee of all that era. I mean nobody came up with more original stuff just talking to the audience. And there's a guy – and I was on the show that night. So he's talking to a guy in the audience. Anybody from out of town? The guy up front raises his hand. Where are you from? I'm from Grover's Mountain, Vermont.

And Larry is about to say, what do you do? And the guy says, it was named for a man named Grover who climbed to the top of the mountain. And Larry said, well, thank God they didn't catch him throwing up in a shell station. And to me – He was fast. Oh, my God. Nobody faster. Nobody faster.

Now, there were all those comics back then. They were like Larry David. He used to be at the clubs all the time. Well, Larry... I mean, the first time I ever saw Larry was December of 1981. And what happened back then is all the comics that had moved to L.A. would come back to New York to be with their families for the holidays.

And so the shows were amazing. So now I get to catch and there's a hush, you know, Larry David's here. And this is when he's working on Fridays. And so I'm in the bar and it's me and Ron Zimmerman. And we see Larry. He's pacing back and forth in the bar. And Ron Zimmerman says to him, hey, what's with the pacing? And Larry David said, do you know Woody Allen used to throw up before I went on every time?

And I said, oh, I got to go see this guy. So now he goes on and it's prime time. It's 10 o'clock and the place is packed. And I got to see this. So he gets on stage. First two lines kill, you know, you know what they say about attractive people. We're not well liked and all that great. Can I use the two form with you people?

Because I think Gustead is two form in all that stuff. First two lines kill. Then another line doesn't do that well. And he says, is it hot in here? Then he does a couple of lines that kill and then a line doesn't do that well. It's really, really hot in here. Then he does a line that does well and does a line that does. You know, you pay this kind of money and the air conditioning is faulty.

Now the audience, they don't know what's good. Now he does two lines in a row that go nowhere. You know, it's really, really hot in here. And a guy in the audience makes the mistake of saying, hey, what's your problem? And Larry says, what's my problem? And Larry's, what's my problem? I'll tell you what my problem is. I come in here, and it's fucking weather,

and he storms off the stage. And little did I know that this was something he did all the time. Yeah, Susie Esmond told us he stormed out because he was doing a joke about a bungalow, and some woman said, what's a bungalow? Yeah. He would get into a fight on stage within two minutes.

Absolutely. And it was a miracle when he could do his 20 minutes. One time Larry was on stage and he would get into fights in a second. In a second. And sometimes even when he was doing well, one guy wouldn't laugh. And he got into this fight and they're getting really angry at each other. And finally, this guy in the audience screams out at Larry, oh, yeah? Well, your mother fucks my dog.

And Larry goes, well, I bet your dog doesn't like it. And, of course, he wrote a Cinemax comedy experiment for Gilbert. Oh, yes. Norman's Corner. Oh, right. One of those few failures. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It almost stopped.

It's funny. Norman's Corner that he wrote for me was so bad that when they were going to be doing Seinfeld and Seinfeld, they said, well, he's got Larry David writing it. And they said, isn't he the one that wrote that piece of shit for Gilbert Gottfried? I mean, perfect. One time he was getting heckled at the improv by Elvis Costello. Oh, yes. I remember. Listen, you British fuck.

That was the end of it. I had no idea. I love it. Yeah. No, it was, and especially when he was doing well. Now, one night, and we used to – no, he wasn't on the show. You were on the show. It was you.

Remember we used to play Liz Walensky's little club at the Duplex? Oh, my – yes, yes. So listen, so I'm – this is – because I thought – when you think of Larry, you think of Bob Shaw. So I'm emceeing. Oh, Bob Shaw, yeah. And Bob Shaw's in the middle. You're closing. Yeah.

So I go on. I do whatever it is I do. And then Bob Shaw goes on and he's talking to a guy in the audience. And he says to the guy, where are you from? I'm from Oklahoma City. And what do you do in Oklahoma City? I'm a psychiatrist. Really?

You're a psychiatrist in Oklahoma City? Well, what do you charge? The guy says, I charge $50 for a half hour. And Bob Shaw says, a half hour? He says, you know, everywhere, everything you ever read about psychotherapy, it's the 50-minute hour, the 50 minute now are you are you that good that you only need a half hour or are people so boring in oklahoma city that all you need is a half minute does the duck how many times do we have to go over in a jerked off once when i was 13 i feel real bad about it and i'll never do it again he became a writer bob shaw i think writer, Bob Shaw. I think he wrote a Pixar movie with, I think he wrote A Bug's Life with a guy named Don McHenry,

if I'm not mistaken. Absolutely, who was a comic and they had a deal with Disney for years. Funny guy. And they wrote an early Seinfeld, which was... Plus he's the cabbie in Seinfeld. He's that angry cabbie. Right. In one episode. He's the angry cabbie and he's also a policeman. That's right. And it's the last scene where the Richard Gant, He's the angry cabbie and he's also a policeman. That's right.

And it's the last scene where Richard Gant, who's a veteran, a black actor. He's been in a lot of – and he says, do you know that there's a diner downtown that only has large rested waitresses? And Bob Shaw goes, really? Perfect. Funny guy. Very funny guy. Very funny guy. Very funny guy. Very strong guy. And they were big pals. That's the sound of fried chicken with a spicy history.

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and Chris Rock hired all these comics that he liked and knew. Jenny was one of them. Jenny was one of them. And he hired, among others, he hired Richie Voss and he hired

Nick DiPaolo. And Nick DiPaolo would just brutalize Richie Voss. And one time, the three of us were waiting out in front of the hotel for the car to come. And Richie Voss was wearing like a sleeveless shirt. And he had a tattoo on his arm that said, never again. And DiPaolo said to him, what? Did a club owner give that to you after

you headlined and we're waiting for a car and he comes up with a letter I've always said and you know and I know that I mean you know Louis CK has been huge and all the guys but I always say if there was

a cul-de-sac and there were two comedy clubs at the end of the cul-de-sac, and I don't care who was in one club, but if Nick DiPaolo was in the other club, I'd go into the other club just because you know some guy is going to terrorize some guy. You know he's going to be pissed off. You know it's going to be an event. He said maybe one of the funniest jokes I ever heard on a roast, Nick. I hope it was his joke. It was the Pam Anderson roast. And he said, I spent so much time jerking off to Baywatch, I had to hire a Dominican guy to stand next to the set with a squeegee.

Oh, that's great. That's great. Well, he used to do a bit about women who wear pantyhose and no panties. He said, it looks like Fidel Castro trying to rob a bank. It's a tremendous line. I love the work of an exposure to all these guys. Larry Amoros and Bob Shaw, funny guys that people should Google. I would be remiss if I didn't tell some stories about Dave, who loved you. You know, you were on the old show all the time, and every time he would make you do Gleason. Oh, yeah.

In Casablanca. Oh, we just saw a clip of that. Yeah, making you do the Gleason bit. Yeah. Yeah. That was great. That was Jackie Gleason in Casablanca. Yeah.

You're getting on that plane with Vic Laszlo. Oh, I know you're getting on that plane, all right, because if you don't, you're going to regret it. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but show that for the rest of your life. I just sent you the clip. Yes. I sent you this the other day. And have you done on this – have you done Humphrey Bogart in the post office? Oh.

He just did Bogart this morning for R.D. Yeah. Because he – yeah. Humphrey Bogart and the Push. Damn. Okay. Now, what about Peter Lorre when you've talked, when you think the story's going to be short and the guy keeps going on and on with the story?

This is Peter Lorre. Do you remember that? Wait. Let's see. When you're telling Peter Lorre, when you're telling a peter lori when you're telling a story that's uh too long and he wants you to get to the end of it and yeah and then oh uh bella lagozzi when you ask him what time it is when you ask him what time it is

when you ask him? Fela goes, when you ask him what time it is. Ten. What about Jerry Lewis and Tommy? Yeah. Oh, yes.

That one will wear you out. See me. That was, yeah. Feel me. Touch me. See me. Feel me. See me.

He's one of the reasons I tell him, Bill, that I got into comedy. I saw him at the comic strip in what, the 70s? You were doing stand-up in the late 70s got into comedy, I saw him at the comic strip in, what, the 70s? You were doing stand-up in the late 70s.

Sure. And I saw him do the Ted Bessel does Jessel. Oh, wow. And the Jewish press says, I like Bessel, but only Abyssal. And I said, this is the most brilliant thing I've ever seen. Adrian once went up for an audition with Ted Bessel. Wow. And turned to him before and said, do me a favor.

Could you tell Marlo Thomas to blink once in a while? And that was it. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. I remember when I would do Letterman, I'd do my set and I'd sit down on panel and he would always ask me to do the Gleason. Oh, he loved it.

He loved it. He loved the, and I do the Dean Martin thing with him in the dressing room. The thing that he loved, he's like any other comic. He loves other comics bits that he remembers. Oh, yeah. You know, he would love, I would do Leno stuff. You know, he didn't want to talk about Leno. Well, I would do Leno stuff. You know, he didn't want to talk about Leno.

But if I all of a sudden said to him, you know, Kirk, two knowns and then an unknown. He'll say, of course, you men are familiar with the works of Plato, Aristotle and Cremus from Remulak 7. He would love that. Not many people would know this but you, Bill. But if you watch him, because you're saying about how he loved comics, watching him do like Tim Thomerson's Charles Bronson bit that he would work into, just banter with Paul,

and you'd say, how many people are catching that? Comics he loved, like Johnny Dark, the people that he would bring on the show. And he'd channel these little bits. There were times when he'd come out with some some nasty sarcastic remark about something and i remember one time in the middle of the show he turned to paul and said uh paul have you seen suussical the musical? He would – that was – it would be in the middle.

It would be after he sat down and the show would be – would have started. And there were many obligations of the host and he would say – he'd be in the middle and all of a sudden say, Paul, guess who I ran into at the grocery store over the weekend? Mrs. Hulk Hogan. Okay, on the show tonight. Great. Yeah. He would do that. He was doing that bit that Tim Thomerson used to do about Charles Bronson going into McDonald's. Do you remember?

He would do it. Absolutely. It would be, hey, zit face. Hey, zit face. And he just – And what a quarter pounder. Well, the other thing he would do – That's it. He would suddenly a zit face. A zit face. And he just suddenly- And what a quarter pounder. Well, the other thing he would do- That's it. He suddenly break into it.

He would do the, I dug 17 tunnels with my face. That was the other thing. And then Thomerson came on the show and did a recurring character. Absolutely. He did the, it was the, oh God, what was the guy? Billy Bob or it was some character. It was a Western kind of a thing. And how did Larry Bud Melman come about?

Well, the two guys that you know. Yes, Steve and Carl. Right. They found this guy at NYU film. They were at NYU film school, and he walked in. I think he was a part-time actor, and he was, if I understand this, if I have the story right, he was working as a receptionist in a rehab in like a daytop village. That's right.

That's right. And they brought him in. To be in The King of the Z's. Right. This movie that they made about, I guess a parody of Samuel Z. Arcoff or Roger Corman or, you know, a schlockmeister like that. And what happened after that? I guess Dave fell in love with him. Dave loved him.

That's how they got hired. Calvert. Yeah. And, you know, he was just a sensation. And very few guys early on, you know, the thing that they always said about the old show, which is true, is the old show on NBC that we celebrated failure. And, you know, Calvert was the mayor of that town. I mean, holding the mic out to other people while he would speak. And he would kill Dave, you know.

And Dave loved it. Well, we showed a clip on the last show. All the bumpers were from the old show, either the morning show or the NBC show. And one of the bumpers we showed was Calvert as Santa Claus reading The Night Before Christmas. And he reads through the lens. He says, all right, now I got to read Spanish. You know. It was always so put upon.

Now, there was another story you got asked about, and this was the infamous Academy Award episode that Letterman hosted with the Uma Oprah. Right. Uma, Oprah. Right. Where Uma Thurman and Oprah Winfrey were both there. Right. And they would go cameras back and forth. Right. Uma, Oprah.

Right. Right. Well, what happened was we had the monologue in place. And I had to run it by standards. And I run the monologue by them. And the woman says, this is great. And we're all set. We're ready to go.

And now it's a half hour before the show and Rob Burnett, who was one of the producers at the time, he had been the head writer. He was still the head writer. No, he was one of the producers and he was, he'd been a writer on the show for a long time

and this is a half hour before the show and he says in the dressing room, Uma, Oprah, Oprah, Uma, which is something we used to do on the top 10 all the time. It was like a sort of a standard formula top 10. Dave says, this is great. We got to we got to open with this. So I say, you know, that would probably be good like midway through. I don't know if you and Dave, he loved it. He says, no, this has got to be the way that I come out. And he was so excited about it.

And I thought, well, the guy is excited about it. And Keanu, you know. So now, and this is 1995. So, you know, there were like three cell phones. I didn't have a cell phone. So I remember calling Adrian right before the show started. And I said, they're going to do something at the top of the show. I really, really hope it works.

But I'm not sure. I really, really hope it works, but I'm not sure. And he came out of the shoot, Dave, and he does it and it doesn't it doesn't go. And he had to I think it staggered him. And I think and he it took him a while to recover. Now, the monologue actually did well, and there was a tape piece after that with him, with cab drivers, that went very well. But, of course, that was the only thing people talked about. And he actually ended up doing very well. There were some great moments. There was a long tape piece about other actors auditioning for his role in Cabin Boy. Oh, the Want to Buy a Monkey. Yeah, Want to Buy a Monkey. Want to Buy a Monkey.

It was great. And it was great. And the thing got huge, huge ratings. But he was only forever only remembered for that moment. And it was really too bad. Now, in terms of what I did for a living for a long time, being a monologue writer, we could always tap into that every year. It was a great source of, you know, every time the Oscars came around, we would

always do the joke, you know, they called me today and they said that my Lifetime band was still in effect. And we would always do jokes about the fact that he had bombed there. But I always thought that it was a tremendous mischaracterization. Yeah, I think he was too hard on himself too. It was a funny show.

But that's all that people talked about was that it was a stupid petrick segment too i remember pulling a vacuum cleaner out of a closet right and i think that audience just wasn't you know they weren't gonna give it up but i remember i remember a week before the oscars i remembered leonard nimoy no not leonard martin landau who was up for who actually won for Ed Wood being quoted saying I hope he's not too irreverent and it was all kind of set up it's like this is our town and you got to really you know they want their ass kissed I mean it's their night it's the you know and uh but in his defense nobody does, the thing – and then 10 years later, I work with Chris. Right.

And I thought that Chris did a great job but yet it was – he made fun of Jude Law and nobody is allowed to make fun of Jude Law. And it's just sort of silly. And what they do is they kind of hold their finger up to the wind after the thing's over. And if the ratings aren't that good, then all of a sudden the whispering starts. But with Dave, the ratings were like record ratings. So I never really understood that. And, you know, it's – I can still remember. I mean, I just – and I remember – and I knew it hadn't gone well.

And I remember after the show, changing out of my tux with Rob Burnett and Rob Burnett said to me, I got to fly to London tomorrow. Save me all of the reviews. And I thought, really? You know, because I knew we were going to get killed. And then the other thing he said to me was, this is going to be now that we know how to do it. This is going to be so much easier when we do it next year. And that was the last two things he said to me, because he had thought it was top to bottom. And I knew it was going to be rough.

It was going to be rough. But the thing that drove me crazy about that was not that night, but is the revisionist history that because Dave didn't do well at the Oscars, that was how Leno passed us, which is just absolutely not true. The Oscars were in February. Leno didn't pass us till June. So all of a sudden, four months later, people thought, you know, let's punish Dave for not being good at this. I mean, that's not how it happened at all. And I always thought that that was tremendously unfair. And props to whoever came up with the idea of putting we're number three in late night.

That was Dave's. That was Dave's idea. Very smart. Tell us a little bit about just because I think people are curious about you going to work there in the first place. I mean, you had done five packets before. Do I have that number right? Absolutely. Before you actually ever got hired.

Right. I had submitted. And you were simultaneously trying to get on as a comic right which i was you know i guess i was kind of close to getting on as a comic but that's right and i and i turned in five i try uh 83 83 84 85 86 87 and then i took a couple of years off. And then I – because it wasn't – and in show business, if they want you, they'll be in touch. And if they don't want you, they're not in touch. It's very clear cut. So it's 1991 and I run into Bob Morton at the Friars. And I knew him from Catch. He would always come in to see the comics.

And I was always close. And he knew I was submitting. And I said to him, are you looking for anybody? And he says, no, we're not looking for anybody. He says, but you know, your packets are full packets. He said, just write jokes because Dave is always looking for jokes. So I said, okay, fine. So I wrote jokes every day that week and I would walk them over to NBC and turn them in.

And so Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then I get a call from Morton Thursday night. Now, if you remember, Bob Morton never called a comic back in his life. He was notorious for that. He calls me at my house and says, Dave did one of your jokes tonight. And the first joke I ever got on, this is October of 1991, and the joke was, well, Elizabeth Taylor and her new husband, Larry Fortensky, had their first fight. It was over whether or not he should unpack. I remember the joke. That was my first joke. And then the next night, he did another joke of mine.

And this was back at NBC when the monologue was three jokes long. He only did three jokes. So Morton calls me again and he says, this is unbelievable. He says, you got jokes on two nights in a row. He says, we got writers here that don't get things on for months. And so I said, like Peter Lorre, and I said, and he said, well, it turns out we have an opening for a monologue writer. I said, well, what else do I have to do? He says, no, you're fine. And then I went to Adrian.

I were working in Vegas the next week. And so it was all I could do not to think about this. And then I came back and I met him. And he had met me a couple of times at the club when he would come in. And I remember, and Adrian loves to tell this story, where one night he would stay and watch you, and then one night you came off stage and he went up to you and he said, you keep doing whatever it is you're doing up there. And it's vintage Gilbert.

Whatever it is, you keep, whatever that is, you keep doing that. And so I go in and he recognized me because I had gone with a couple of comics when they were on the show. I went with Mendoza. I went with Marr when they would appear on the show. Oh, John Mendoza. Yeah, yeah. Funny guy. Oh, my God.

And so John Mendoza is one of those guys who, like a lot of really good comics, they have great lines that they only did like a couple of times. And one of his great lines is, he would get on stage and he would say, any Vietnam vets out there? All right, I'm the only one again. And that was, I used to love that, because nobody, of course, everybody had gotten out of Vietnam in the audience.

So I go in and I have the meeting with Dave and he recognized me. And so we talk and he keeps saying to me, I hope we can work something out. And it's like, what do you mean? You fucking ask me, you know. And then he said and it was me and him and Steve O'Donnell, the head writer and Morty and a couple other producers. And then he said, well, go go talk to Steve and then make sure you come back here and say goodbye before you leave. Very, I'm stunned by that.

So I meet with Steve. And again, I hope we can work something out. You know, come on. Another very funny guy. Oh, hilarious. Oh, very, you know, one of the, when they write the history of late night comedy, he gets a big chapter.

I mean he really – Really smart. His brother was a good writer too. He was a brilliant playwright. Yeah, playwright and died a couple of years ago. Brilliant guys. Yeah, two guys. And so I finished talking with Steve and I come back to say goodbye to Dave.

And he said, I like your jokes. I said, well, I got your voice in my head. I got it. And this is the only piece of advice, practical advice he ever gave me about writing jokes. He said, look, you got to keep it under four lines. I don't care how good the joke is. If it's over four lines, it won't fit on a cue card. And that was the only piece of practical advice he ever gave me.

The only feedback he ever gave me about writing jokes. He just let you go on your own. Of course, as the show evolved, rarely did I write a joke over two lines. But that was his advice back then. And then the last thing I said to him was, because I used to play a lot of ball in the park, I said, I hear your softball team needs a center fielder. And he says, we need everything. And then I got hired the next day.

Didn't you talk about cigars too? Yes, we did. We talked about cigars. That's right. And then when I get hired, my first day, I keep shutting the door to my office. And his assistant comes by and says, Dave would like you to leave your door open because he had quit smoking cigars so he could smell cigars. I love that. So I go, okay, fine.

And then like two weeks later, Dave would like you to switch offices with Jill Davis so you could be in the office next to him and keep your door open. And then like two days later, he was smoking again. So it's like my job was done. And congrats on that last monologue, which was just so strong. It was you and Steve Young and Chris Belair. It's me and Steve Young and Chris Belair and Mahone and Barry who wrote for Carson for 20 years. And Chris Albers who wrote for us for a little while. I know Chris.

Yeah, it was there. That was the Gabor. Keeping up with the Gabors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the boys. The boys did that. That was the Gabor. Keeping up with the Gabor's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the boys. The boys did that. Really funny. Really funny.

And we should just quick before maybe moving off Letterman, but we should give a shout out to I just read yesterday about to this intern who wrote a couple of the top ten jokes. And I saw you online. Absolutely. Praising her. Yeah. Well, that was a great thing. And I'll never forget the day of the last show, they handed out what was the final top 10 at the time in the morning. And they hand her and I see her go, and she starts to cry. And she had Bill Murray's line. And so everybody was thrilled for her she's a very sweet girl very smart very smart girl we really liked her you know with interns

you know the difference between men and women interns you know women they work hard they come in early they stay late they work really hard and guy interns just want to be mistaken for a writer so she was great.

And then I see her at the rap party afterwards and I said, what a big day for you. You had the number one, the top ten. She said, I had the top two because they had switched. Tina's a joke. And they turned in her. Good for her. Yeah. Congratulations to her.

Caroline Shaper was her name. Good for her. We got to ask you this now. Gilbert, you know, because you're a sports guy. Right. And so is Gilbert. And Gilbert is, as we know. Now, we do a little mini-episode, Bill, during the week, and Gilbert, to my surprise and shock, recommended a sports movie.

He talked about Bang the Drum Slowly. Oh. And he sang, we'll spare you him singing the song because we did it to Artie this morning. But give us – you're a movie buff. You're a movie watcher. I've seen you talk about the Marx Brothers. Sure. Worst sports movie ever made.

I got to go with – and I know he's a friend of all of ours. But I got to go with Billy Crystal's 61 because – I thought you were going to go for Billy Crystal's 61 because two reasons. Linda Stassi from when she was at the post at the time is reviewing the movie. And the first line of her review is I was watching this movie and a friend of mine came in as Mickey as the actors playing Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris were running in from the outfield. And I said to him, what do you think this movie is about? And he said, gay cops. And then there's a scene at the end of 61 where he's a friend of yours and it was Mercedes Hall's kid, Michael.

You know Michael? Oh, my. Anthony Mercedes Hall's kid, Michael, you know Michael? Oh, my. Anthony Michael Hall. Yeah, Anthony Michael Hall. Okay, so he played, he played Whitey Ford, and there's a scene at the end of the movie where the Roger Maris character, he's hit his 61st homer,

and he's at his locker, he's at his locker, and the Bat Boy comes over and is a foot taller than him. And comes over and is a foot taller than him. And the Bat Boy is a foot taller. I just, you know, that is right up there as far as I'm concerned with a bad sportsman. But, you know, Bang the Drum Slowly was a good movie, a great book. And the last line of it was the first – I put it –

I'll never rag anybody. From now on, I rag nobody. Yeah, I rag nobody. Yeah. One of the great lines of all time. Very good. That's very – yeah. But –

You shock me, Gil. The man knows nothing about sports. We have a sports sponsor, DraftKings, and he just – I know sports. I know a sports sponsor, DraftKings, and he just – I know sports. I know baseball players are very strange. And, you know, you wrote for Sports Illustrated. Yes, I did. Your uncle was a famous golf writer.

My uncle was Herbert Warren Wynn. I wrote for Sports – I had a column in Sports Illustrated for three years called The Show, which was the perfect marriage of all my careers, which was just topical jokes about sports. And, you know, I loved it. You could never do a column like that now because of Twitter. People just react instantaneously and you can read a lot of. I wouldn't know it. It's it's you know what? What you have to do is a guy will come in and install the Twitter machine in your house.

What you have to do is a guy will come in and install the Twitter machine in your house. I'll tell you what's great about Twitter is you can post the jokes that your people don't take. Sure, sure, sure. Because I had – I did plenty of that. Yeah, right. The earthquake in California and it measured – in Los Angeles, it measured 7.4, 3.1 in the 18 to 49 demographic. My favorite – I'll tell you my favorite – my two favorite jokes I ever wrote for Dave. The first one was Frank Sinatra had come out with his own line of signature neckwear.

And the joke was, I hope I'm not too late with a name for this, alleged mob ties. That's funny. It's a funny joke. Dave said, you know, God wrote this joke. And then the other one which I talked him into was a few months ago when Pope Francis had said, Pope Francis said that he would not judge gay priests. But I believe his exact words were, let he who is without sin cast the first musical. And that was – That's another great joke.

I loved how he would do the same joke two nights in a row if he would do it. He would do it, A, because he believed it, but he would do it because he knew that the people watching at home were not the same people night after night. So it was very stand-up-y. And new live audience, too, as well. If a thing works, he would do it. One of my favorite things he did, he had on Sir Alec Guinness. And he said, now, you had one of the greatest lines, a legendary line in movies. And would you say it for us? You know, it's in Star Wars.

And he goes, no, no, I really. And he goes, no, please. We all want to hear it. And the audience is cheering. And finally goes, all right. May the force be with you. And Letterman goes, yeah, well, that's not the line I meant, but okay. That was, yeah.

Was it Blagojevich that came on and said, I wanted to do your show in the worst way? Well, you did it. The other one is when we come out of commercial and Richard Simmons is all oiled up and he's grabbed one of Dave's cigars and he's very languidly pantomiming and smoking. And he says, David, will you teach me how to smoke a cigar? Richard, I think you got the hang of it already. And, you know, he's fake horrified. And he turned the fire extinguisher on him. Oh, that was, yeah. Well, that was the

last time he was on, because then he was, you know, with Richard Simmons, you know, then you had to call the ambulance, the fake ambulance for the fake, you know, heart attack. I mean, he was a great guest when he was, you know, when he would show up. Who came up with the strong guy, the fat guy, and the genius?

A piece of comedy I loved. That was a Rob Burnett piece. That was when Rob Burnett was the head writer. That was back in NBC, and we repeated it at CBS. God damn it, that was funny. Yeah. And I remember also he had on one of those inventors, the kid inventors. Right, right.

And Letterman goes, okay, so show us the invention. Yeah. And the kid goes, it's not the, it's the. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Letterman goes, well, we might not have time for the. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I mean.

So many moments. There's a million, yeah. We were telling Paul that montage at the end just to see. Well, that was Barbara Gaines. Barbara Gaines. I just saw you giving her credit online. What an amazing thing to see. Six months it took her to do.

It was just, and she had everything in there. And what happened with that guy, I forget his name already, from Back to the Future? Oh, Crispin Glover. Yeah. Bill and I were talking about it before. He tried to throw a kickboxer. Yeah, and it was one of the – I think it's one of those things where the – where people fall in love with the idea of something rather than the reality of something. With the idea of something rather than the reality of something.

So the idea of the Letterman show was be wacky. Yeah. Be crazy. It's the anti show. Right. It's not like your father's tonight show. And so I think that he thought, well, this will be great. I'll do some kind of roundhouse kick.

And, you know, Letterman just stopped everything and says, we'll be right back. There were always those weirdo interviews. Harmony Corrine, the screenwriter. But that was okay, and that was a little farther along. And Dave knew what was going on. And Dave kind of grew to love that, that the weirder it was. Drew, to love that, that the weirder it was, you know, like the Joaquin Phoenix, even though I think that he was on to – I don't think he was in on it. No, he wasn't in on it. But he was on to the fact that it was all kind of nonsense and it's like, OK, this is good.

I'm going to have a good time with this. And the line that people always quote is, well, it would have been great if you could have been here tonight. But to me, the line that I love was a few minutes before that where he wasn't talking, Joaquin, and Dave says, could you share about – with us about your time with the Unabomber? And that was – and you could see that he almost broke a couple of times. But, you know, the longer he did this, Dave, the more he loved when he would have to think on his feet. And in that same one, I think he said, well, I think I owe an apology to Farrah Fawcett. That was my line. Oh.

I gave him that line. Now, what was the Farrah Fawcett. That was my line. Oh. I gave him that line. Now, what was the Farrah Fawcett incident? Well, I think that she was a little – I think that it was a little medication thing where she just didn't quite get it right before she came on. And there's that theory and then there's Dave's theory, which was she was doing a character. She was doing a wacky character like Carol Wayne on the Tonight, you know, where you're just sort of playing this sort of ditzy thing. But the thing that I remember about that, and I don't know if they show if they showed this forget the interview her entrance was phenomenal because she uh you know ladies and gentlemen farrah faucet and she kind of backs out and she's looking on the floor of the stage for her lipstick that's how she enters i mean to me

it was great i mean i don't know if the camera got that. It was probably, oh, Jesus, it's a mistake. Get on, Dave. But that was, you know, you knew this was going to be great. It's one of the reasons he was a great broadcaster. He'd work with anything that came out. You know, even an actor that was boring that you could see he wasn't really engaged with, he would make something out of it. Well, the thing is, you know, look, I was there for a lot of it well the thing that you know look i i was

there for a lot of it like 10 feet away and uh i can't tell you how many times that he would be talking to an actor and he would say let me tell you what i loved about this movie there's a scene and he would quote this scene and, you know, get in debt. He said, and I love that. And it was so vivid. And then they would show the clip. And, well, thank you so much. And he'd walk away.

And I would, because he saw every movie. And I can't tell you how many times I walked up to him and I said, so you like that movie? And he'd go, oh, no. It's like, so you're a better actor than the guy that came on it was amazing to remember him not enjoying leonardo dicaprio on the show and i and i don't remember him being well he kept calling him decapria and he kept saying he loved doing that right right it's decaprio was Yeah. Well, it was always – because when you do it for that long and you know – and you have firsthand knowledge of the big stars that behave and get it. And then all of a sudden a guy comes on and he doesn't think he has to participate in the process.

It would be one thing if, OK, I guess this is the way it is that every big star thinks this is beneath him. And then it's like, OK, fine. But Clooney was a tremendous guest. Jennifer Lawrence, I mean – Oh, yeah. He was great with her. They were great. Great with her.

They were great. Great with Tom Hanks, the Slappy White stories. Yeah, I mean, Tom Hanks, yeah, and Tom Hanks was the kind of guy that would show up three hours early and tape stuff with the writers for future shows. You know, he was a phenomenal. Don't bend the shafts. Phenomenal. Don't bend the shafts. That was the last thing he did on the old show.

He was a phenomenal guest. He's a very, very generous guy. Now, Martin Short is always my favorite guest. And Martin Short, my favorite line of – well, he would come out and be the same thing every time. Martin Short would come out and say, can I just say something to you? You look fantastic. Fantastic. I was watching on the monitor.

You have a boyish quote. I thought, is Rachel Maddow guest hosting? It would always be a line like that. And then he would do, and this is one of my favorite things that he does, that it's the very earnest sounding compliment that is not a compliment. And one time he said to Dave, let me just say something. I admire the decision you've made to wear your suits tighter. I mean – And you've talked about commitment too and Marnie Short is the king of committing to a bit. Well, that's the whole thing. And Adrian and I talk about – it took us like 30 years to figure it out.

And Adrian and I talk about this. It took us like 30 years to figure it out, is that the comics that are successful, it's complete commitment to the material. It's utter, you know, whether it's good or okay. I mean, that's the thing about Rickles. I mean, if anybody else is doing those lines, they're nothing. They're nonsense. But when Rickles comes out and sits down and says to Dave, great to be on a show that's not catching on.

A little bit of salesmanship. That's the whole thing. Yeah. I mean, I and then he would do that and then he would turn to Paul and he'd say, Paul, I talked to the producers. The money's going to be about the same. And then he would go to Paul and he'd say, Paul, I talked to the producers. The money is going to be about the same.

And then he would go back. Great. I mean that's nothing. That doesn't mean – there's no – that line is nothing. It's attitude and salesmanship and commitment. But it's not – we know a lot of guys where it's all attitude and there's sort of nothing behind it. But the commitment – oh, my God. Martin's a joy to watch for that reason. Yeah.

Nathan Lane, too, will commit to a bit. Well, yeah. Nathan – and Nathan – the thing about Nathan is that he would write – he and Matt Roberts, who became the head writer, they would write these 10-minute segments for him. And they would write it the night before and by the next day Nathan had a memorized yeah the last song was great oh that was good that was a great that Matt wrote that song was great now did you work the Jerry Lewis really I think you were the Jerry Lewis roast didn't you the Friday oh yeah okay so now Nathan was on that Oh, yeah. And the joke was, you know, Jerry and I have a lot in common. We both grew up wherever we grew up.

And we both have the same middle name. Schmange Davey, you know, like that. That's the joke. And Nathan loved that. And he kept drinking. And it would get louder and louder. And he would say, all right, let me just try this joke again. And he would do it louder and louder every time.

And Matt and I were looking away. But Nathan, he's great. He really is. I just love watching him. So 24 years, Bill. Yeah. We had Paul here the other night, which we told you. And we said, how do you feel?

I mean, Paul, he's using the word gratitude. Right. Well, I mean, I don't know. Has it hit you yet? No. I'll be the last to know how I feel. People ask me, what are you going to do? And I said, I'm going right from the show to the state hospital.

And because it's all that, you know, it's your whole life for so long, and there were so many of us that worked there so many years. Barbara Gaines was there 35 years. Jude Brennan was 35 years. Nancy Agostini was – who runs the show from the floor. And Biff. And Biff. It was the first writer's intern and she was there 22 years.

And Steve. And Steve Young. Steve Young was the longest tenured writer. Steve Young had a year more than I did. And so I don't – I just don't – I don't quite understand it. I don't think I will understand it. To have started at NBC and to be there all through CBS and 6,000 shows, it's insane. It's insane. And you know Jay is thinking, yeah, I think I could do another 6,000.

Your whole thing was – your whole Jay bit was Reagan was in the news. That was it. Yeah. Your whole thing was your whole Jay bit was Reagan was in the news. That was it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, when Jay, it's like these people, I love on talk shows when you know something's been prepared for the guest to say. And what Jay was always like, so I read somewhere that you were stuck in an elevator with a kangaroo.

Yeah. Somewhere that you were stuck in an elevator with a kangaroo. The other thing about Jay was that he never listened. He was always on the next question. So he would have a guest and the guest would be. And then when I was six, my father began to molest me. And that continued until I was 17 and I left home. then she i understand you don't use mustard just he's on the next question you could always tell that he was engaged in the monologue but he was never engaged with a guest right you know and then

my husband beat me for years i understand you have a collection of keys. So tell us quick about your band. My band, The Truants. You still do The Truants? Because Gilbert and I are huge British Invasion fans. I know you are. We are. And that's what I'm doing this summer.

I'm going to focus on my music. You're not going to direct. We got six gigs. I started this band five years ago. It's the best thing I've ever done. We do British Invasion and Garage Rock, nothing after 1967. What kind of British Invasion are we talking about? Like Jerry and the Pacemakers?

Absolutely. And we do deep cuts. So if we do Jerry and the Pacemakers, we don't do Ferry Cross the Mersey. It's going to be all right. Was there like this real anger between Letterman and Leno? I think that I think that they I think they were friends. And I think that, look, you know, I'm the wrong guy to ask because, you know, Jay, you know, Jay, ever since I've known Jay and you know this whatever with Jay whatever he's doing is the right thing and whatever you're doing is the

wrong thing so years ago when he left New York and moved to LA and he said you guys they're all you gotta move that's where the business is in LA.A. And he goes to L.A., he tries to be an actor, and they say his face frightens children. So then he's, now he goes in the road and he says, all you guys who want to be actors, you know, the road, that's where the real comes. So whatever he's doing is right. And whatever you're doing is wrong. And he's always been that way. And my favorite story about Jay was, and you know Jeff Stillson. He's a great comic.

He wrote for Letterman for a while. And then he created The Osbournes. He wrote on Ali G. And he's done a lot of work with Chris Rock. So he was the producer on Chris Rock's talk show that he had on HBO for a couple of years. So Chris goes to do Jay. And Jeff goes with him. And Jay sees Jeff and he says,

come here for a second. I just want to tell you what Chris is doing wrong on his show. And Jeff says to Jay, listen, Jay, here's the difference between you and Chris. Chris is going for laughs, not votes.

And I always thought that was one of the great lines ever. And, and look, Jay, no better comic in the clubs. Absolutely. A thousand percent. But I think that it was all about, you know, getting the gig.

And, you know, I just don't I think he pulled a lot of moves over the years that were less than gracious. And he had, you know, he won. I mean, his show was, I mean, after the first two years, I mean, he beat us regularly. So I think history will tell a different story. Yeah. I mean, I think that, yeah, I think so. But with Jay, and I think we can all agree in the clubs, there was nobody better, very strong, very hip, you know. And, yeah, I just he was you know, he was a revelation to to watch in the clubs.

But as as a talk show host, he was a comic that got a really plum gig. That's that's what it was. He was just a comic that he wasn't a guy that aspired to be a broadcaster like Dave. But unquestionably successful and really held that – I mean he held that real estate for a long time and he deserves a lot of credit for that. He deserves all the credit lot of credit for that he deserves all the credit in the world for that it's so funny to me to think that for years the biggest it was reported like like world war three that like letterman leno and conan like the war is going on between them the thing that all but but i don't think it was – I don't think that – the only

time that Dave and I would talk about Jay was me doing the Kirk bit. I mean that really was it. So I don't – I just think that they were – I think with Dave, this was a guy that used to be a big asset on his old show that became a competitor. So I just think the nature is you're not going to be best pals. Now, the thing that fascinates me about Conan is that Conan has been on the air now for 22 years and people still talk about him like he's been on the air about seven weeks. Yes. He's getting pretty good. He's getting pretty good. He's been on the air about seven weeks yes yes he's getting pretty

good he's getting pretty good 22 years i mean not not without talent not without talent conan but i just find that fascinating were jay and dave civil to each other when they shot the oprah was there a thousand it was like always. It was like no time had passed. It was – they went right back into talking about old guys in the comedy store and it was really – So no tension. No. No, it was no tension. And when we – so that – which was a great spot.

It was a great idea. I mean I think Dave wrote the piece ultimately. You know, this is the thing about Dave Letterman. He was always the best writer on the show. He was always the best editor. He was always the best director and he was always the best actor. So he was a guy that you aspired to. But the other thing, three years later or it would be four years later, CBS got the Super Bowl again.

And this was right in the middle of when there were a million late night shows. So Dave's idea was – but we couldn't get everybody. This is his idea. Where it's – OK. It starts out the same and it's the pan on the couch. And it's Dave, pan to Oprah, pan to Jimmy Kimmel, pan to Conan, pan to Jimmy Fallon. OK? So that's the couch. And then out of the kitchen comes Jay and it's, you know, and it's The Light Show with David.

That's all he said. That was great. Yeah. And that was all Dave's idea. I remember being on Letterman where I think on the panel he just asked me some question like, why do you work with your eyes closed? Right. And I just, the first thing I thought of and I said, oh, it's something I picked up from Helen Cameron. Right. Oh, that's right.

I remember. Yeah, yeah. And it got groans from the audience. And then I remember when I was home watching it and there's a commercial break and then he's introducing the next guest. And in the middle of the introduction, he goes, gee, it's kind of nice to see Gilbert come out and shoot himself in the foot. I remember that. Yeah. One of the best things you could say about him is if you looked in the TV guide or you looked at the TV listings and you saw who was going to be on, if you didn't care at all about that person, you still wanted to see how David Letterman was going to interview that person.

And I know you had Paul on here. And let me tell you the two – two of the great Paul lines. Paul, let me just say this, would be paying attention most of the time. Yeah. So one night – He said that the other night. He said, God forbid I took my eyes off him. This is about a year ago.

Dave is talking about something and he says, Paul, what is the biggest movie of all time? And Paul goes, The Yearling. That was it. Hilarious. And five people laughed. But this is the greatest Paul line in my opinion. We're doing a top ten one night and this is about, again, a little less than a year ago. And it was an item in the news. And what it was was in the upcoming edition of Archie, Archie gets killed.

Yeah. He gets murdered. Archie gets killed he gets murdered he is defending a gay friend of his and he jumps in front of a guy he takes the bullet okay so Dave is setting up the top 10

which was other comic book twists but he's setting it up by saying and Archie jumps in front to save a friend he takes a bullet and he says so and this is like just about six months ago. He says, so Archie, he's dead. He's gone. So what's going to happen?

What's going to happen now to Veronica and Betty and Jughead and Paul interrupts and said, well, Archie made sure that in the event of his death, his staff would continue to be paid. And it was right after David announced his retirement. And people went crazy. Archie made specific. I mean, it was just perfect. And that Paul was so valuable. Valuable. I will miss them both terribly. And I want to put a black armband on. So I can't imagine was just perfect. And that Paul was so valuable. Valuable. I will miss them both terribly.

And I want to put a black armband on. So I can't imagine how you feel. I've watched for 33 years. Well, I wear one all the time. I remember when Paris Hilton was on the show after she had gotten arrested and served time. Right. And she said, well, I old dave wanted to talk and and she goes well i don't really want to talk about uh uh my time in prison and he goes well see that's the difference between

that's all i want to talk about another great one and then and then she and then uh she started to cry. And then somebody in the balcony yells out, I love you. And Dave said, somebody you met in the joint? Really funny. And he was – but, you know, he was so great with Martha Stewart because Martha would come on and she'd be cooking something. And he would say to her, Martha, how is that syndicated column you have going? Tales from the Slammer. And he just messed with her. He'd drink the mayonnaise.

Right. Or he'd swig the booze. But he – yeah. It was – whenever there was a little tension, it would go a long way. I heard Martha Stewart had a crush on Letterman. Absolutely. A thousand percent. And lived in his town. Yeah.

For years. Absolutely. I mean, Martha Stewart, and then when she was, you know, when we found out that she was online dating. That was phenomenal.

Put a man on Martha Stewart. Okay. So this has been Gilbert. I'm Gilbert Gottfried. You are. Yes, I'm still Gilbert Gottfried. I had a joke I was going to tell. Thank you for telling me.

Wait, let's hear Bill's joke. Wait a minute. I have – well, this is – I wanted to do a joke that was kind of inside that I knew you would appreciate. And I hope you don't know this joke. And the joke is that there's a there's a comic and a ventriloquist and they know each other for 20, 30 years. They know each other's act inside and out and they meet each other in the street. And the comics is the ventriloquist, how's it going? The ventriloquist says, I got this cruise and I have to do – because they don't turn over the audience. I got to do two completely different half-hour sets and I don't know what to close the second show with. So the comic says, what about when you're sniling?

You didn't know that one. Okay. I'm still Gilbert Gottfried, and this is still Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. And unfortunately, my co-host is still Frank Santopadre. I get this every week. And our guest this week was the very funny Bill Schaaf. I have to say, too, Bill's the kind of guest where we don't have to do anything. Yeah.

We just sort of relax and be entertained. Yes. I like a guest that brings their own. Well, I'm all caught up now with Gilly, so we're all set. Great. But I want to say one last thing about Leno. Who remembers, talking about the acting and his face-scaring children, who remembers the action movie, the buddy movie that he made with Pat Morita? Oh, yes.

Anybody remember that? It was like Turner and Hooch, but it was something else. It was Collision Course, I think. Oh, Collision Course. What was the name of it? I'll tell you what, he was very good, and he was very good in American Hot Wax. That's right. That was a good movie. Floyd Mutrix. Floyd and Gail Mutrix. You're good, and he was very good in American Hot Wax. That's right. That was a good...

Floyd Mutrix. Floyd and Gail Mutrix. You're right, buddy. You're good. Yeah. Okay. Did you sign off? Yes.

Okay. Thank you, Bill. Thank you for paying attention. It was very entertaining. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the Sideshow Network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger. Schleichinger, I've been friends with her for 10 years.

One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza Schleichinger. Schleichinger. I've been friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza. Our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com slash waitforitcomedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore. Because it's here.

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