Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - 81. The Return of Penn Jillette

Episode Date: December 14, 2015

Gilbert and Frank welcome back an old friend, illusionist, filmmaker and comedian Penn Jillette, who holds court on a host of offbeat topics ranging from strippers' tricks of the trade to Dennis Miller to the Three Stooges to summoning the spirit of Bela Lugosi. Also, Penn debunks "cold readings," exposes phone scams, insults Richie Havens and compares Jerry Lewis to Lou Reed. PLUS: The Amazing Kreskin! Penn auditions for "Ishtar"! Gilbert annoys Harrison Ford! And "The Day the Clown Cried”! If you need a personal loan, anywhere between $1000 to $35000, Avant can help – without ever stepping foot in a bank branch. Avant will give you a $50 Amazon.com gift card after you make your first payment on-time. For this offer, and to check your rate risk-free, go to http://AvantOffer.com and enter promo code GILBERT. That’s http://AvantOffer.com promo code GILBERT. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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See website for details. Hi. Hi. I thought I was just being polite. Oh, I'm sorry. Because you said hi, so I would say hi back. Can we adjust the mic? I think there's an echo on this one. Hi.

Hi. Oh, damn it. I can't get this thing to work. No, it's fine. I just wanted to greet you. I'm in your home. Yes. A fellow says hi in your home, you say hi back to him.

Yeah, okay. Hi. Hi. Well, hello. Hello. But I would say hi to the audience. Oh, hello. I want to say hi to the audience, too.

This is Gilbert Gottfried. What is it? Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. You read your own intro. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. Can you do it in my voice? Oh, this is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Astonishing Podcast. I'll start again.

This is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. Our guest this week is our first guest to make a return appearance on the show, which will tell you how well my career is going. He's an illusionist, a writer, best-selling author, actor, comedian, producer, and half of the legendary comedy and magic duo Penn and Teller. He's also the filmmaker behind critically acclaimed,

I just took the Bobcat Gulfway, critically acclaimed documentary, Suck. Documentaries suck? Critically acclaimed. I just took the Bobcat Gulfway. Critically acclaimed documentary suck. Documentaries suck? Documentaries such as The Aristocrat. These are critically acclaimed documentaries that suck, like The Aristocrat and Tim's Vermeer. Oh, it was a joke.

Oh, that's right. It's Gilbert Gottfried, and he represents himself as a comedian, although his Saturday Night Live career would not give you any indication of that. Well, that's right. It's Gilbert Gottfried, and he represents himself as a comedian, although his Saturday Night Live career would not give you any indication of that. Or maybe I should say his stunningly funny SNL career, because then you would hear, but wait a minute, it wasn't that, so it must have been a joke. It kind of had a double-edged meaning. Well, not double meaning, a single meaning. It was kind of sarcastic in a way.

It's not really so much sarcastic, it's just inaccurate. It's kind of like if it was raining and you said, this is a nice day. Boy, it's a very nice day. Make sure you get your umbrella. Why'd you say umbrella? Because you like the rain? No, I don't like the rain. I don't like the rain at all.

It's why I say one thing and mean another. It's what comedy is. Now, comedy usually has some sort of surprise. Like if I hit my head and I said, oh, my head feels great now. Or you say, boy, that feels better than getting kicked in the ass with a frozen boot. And you say, but getting kicked in the ass with a frozen boot, that doesn't feel good. It's a Broadway show entitled Clever? I'm spinning all over my microphone, which makes this worth a lot more on eBay.

Because it really wouldn't be worth anything on eBay. Because when you come right to, you know, Johnny Carson used to sit around and say, what's funny? And we used to try to figure out what's funny. And it turns out if you're Gilbert Gottfried, simply say something that's not true. That's funny. Like I watched Johnny Carson last night. No, you didn't.

He hasn't been on for decades. For decades. So that's funny. Motherfucker's dead. How dead is he? He's dead as a hammer. Now you say, why'd you say dead as a hammer? A hammer's not really ever been alive, so it wouldn't really be dead.

Do you have any squid material? Cleverly enough, Penn and Teller on Broadway, it's not clever. It's a simple declarative statement. And I could say, watch it like being by yourself on stage? Because you're not. I'm not by myself. You're in a team. Well, actually, that's not funny because if you don't tell her, I'm by myself. Yes, you are.

It's kind of like saying to a guy who has a 40-pound weight around his neck as he swims the English Channel, you had all that help of the 40-pound weight around your neck as you swam the English Channel. And the guy would say, well, it's not really help. It's kind of like warming up with a lead baseball bat. And you say, why do you have a baseball bat when you're swimming the English Channel? And when he's swimming, I could yell out, don't get wet. Yeah, you could yell that out. Because you're in the ocean.

That would be comedy because you're in the ocean. Also, don't get salty. Yes, don't get salty. Yes, don't get salty. Because there's salt in it. It's a saline solution. It's a saline solution. Penn and Teller on Broadway is now playing to sold-out houses, which is funny. Because it's empty.

Because nobody shows up. I was there. There was not one person in the audience. You can't even say one other person because you left. You weren't even there. You could play football in the theater. You could park cars. As a matter of fact, they gave you a little red jacket and someone gave you a 20.

They gave you a 20 because you had a red jacket and a flashlight. You were holding a flashlight. Which, you know, is kind of funny because it doesn't flash. No, it's just it's odd. It's very funny. Unless the batteries are weak. And his TV series, then it would be intermittent, not so much flashing. But, you know, in comedy, in comedy, if you say something's flashing and it's actually intermittent that's called subtle comedy yeah

that would be like john stewart if you would say henny youngman he would say flashing and the light would be off but john stewart he would say flashing and the light would be intermittent and that's where we've come to comedy in 50 years we've gone from off to intermittent his show series pen and Teller Fool Us concurrently, which is not true because it's on once a week, concurrently be seen. So that's funny.

This is nothing but comedy fucking gold. And I say comedy gold and you say, well, that's funny because this isn't funny. I think Charlie Chaplin wrote that. He sure did. Charlie, the little tramp, one of my favorite characters. I think Groucho would have sounded like this.

Please welcome a man who has been a close, which is funny because we're not, personal, which we never are, friend of mine, which we aren't, for longer than he wants to think about, which is true and therefore not funny. Penn Jillette! And I'm very tall and you're very short. Very short. See? Very. See? That's funny. That's double comedy.

This is a production of mice and men with two Lenny's. Hello, Gilbert. How are you? Wow. Now, you don't often come on a show, and right when you look in your glass, there's black shit floating. Now, we're going to hope...

We apologize for that. We're going to hope that's a coffee ground. That's a coffee. Is it walking? It's not. Actually, this is one of those... You know when you have food, when there's a little bit of food on your copper plate

because it's not washed properly, and when you just poke it with your finger, it's somehow not that disgusting, but when you have to pick at it, then it's really unpleasant. This is a kind of, this is what we call filth that you have to pick at. It actually has some texture to it. So I went, I was moving in with a woman who was a bartender at a topless restaurant. Oh, it sounds good.

But she did not work topless because when you're behind the bar, you can't work topless because there are laws about that. Because when nipples interact with alcohol, it's like, remember 70 years ago in Hiroshima? I just spit right in your face. Good timing. You do not want to get tits near alcohol, which is why your bartender, she was in a topless bar as a bartender, and we were moving in together. We thought we were grownups, you know?

Yeah. So, you know, we thought, oh, we won't just fuck. We'll also move in together because when you're young, you think that's a good idea. Very bad idea. Pretty soon, they're making your friends look at old art of yours on the wall. You know what I'm saying? So we went to Macy's. Can I say Macy's?

Yeah. On a department, let's just say a department store in California. And she wanted to pick out plates. Now, I can't argue with her because at this point, I was a magician and she was a bartender in a topless bar. So just a show of hands, who knows who was making the money in the family? I was cheap. She had all the money. I had no money at all.

She supported us completely. So she wanted to buy plates. So I had to go and buy plates with her. Now, if it were my money, it would be, fuck you, we'll eat off paper plates. Yes. Better off, eat off my dick. But we were going to buy plates. And I said, and this is when I probably knew that I should stick with magic and not try to be a comedian.

I said to the salesperson in the plate department, you know, we were in our 20s and one of us was really attractive, you know. We were in our 20s, and one of us was really attractive. And we looked like a loving couple about to go to Thailand on our honeymoon and fuck females. But you could get them cheap, so it's okay. We don't like the word cheap. Affordable. Affordable chicks with dicks.

Yeah, affordable chicks with dicks. And she was very attractive. So she said, we'd like to pick out some plates for our new house. We actually bought our house from her parents. So she was living in her parents' house. We bought their house with her money. And we're going to buy plates. And I was feeling, I was trying to feel domestic.

But, of course, at that point, like now, I was a creep. So I was a weird guy. Not the kind of guy you'd want to go to Macy's and pick out plates with unless you were her. And she, unless you were she. And so we're saying. You have like Gilbert direction Gilbert Turetson. Yes. Two!

Kike! I wish we'd been on video, too, because that impression of Gilbert was so visual during the intro. Well, you just have to eliminate your eyes. They miss so much. My impersonation of Gilbert Gottfried and Oedipus Rex, identical. I just wanted to show that it could be a little classy. That it wouldn't be all, you know, if in one show I hear chicks with dicks

and Oedipus Rex, and Oedipus is pronounced in a kind of a pedantic way, like you're going to Amherst College, but not Princeton, but Amherst. And you say Oedipus Rex and Oedipal Complex. If you got chicks with dicks and Oedipus Rex

in one podcast, I'm saying oh, this covers the high and the low like Shakespeare. He talks about life and death and makes a fart joke. Oh! So we were there in the Macy's. And they're showing us plates. He makes a fart joke. Oh! So we were there in the Macy's. Yes.

And they're showing us plates because we're buying plates. Now, just how much do you think I have an opinion on what plates? Yes. None whatsoever. No, no. But I wanted to be funny. Yeah. This is the last moment I ever tried to be funny.

After that, I was just honest and let people laugh at me. Yeah. Which, you know, Dee Snider noticed that about me, that I very rarely do sarcasm or satire or tell a joke. I simply state what I believe honestly, and then people laugh at me. That's my idea of comedy. This may have been the last time I tried to do a joke. I'm there with a very, very attractive redhead.

Very attractive, beautiful woman. And I'm, you know, Sasquatch there standing there big and dumb with big hair hanging to my face and ugly as the bottom of your foot. And we're standing there and the salesman was looking at me and going, well, he doesn't have money.

I guess he has the largest dick in Christendom. And so we're there looking at the plates, and he said, do you know what kind of pattern you're looking for? And I said, this is what I thought was hysterical. I said, we're looking for a kind of pattern that won't show the stains. Like if there's a dried egg on it, you won't notice it. We want something that won't show stains. To me, that was the funniest thing in the world.

I waited. I waited for them to go. You know, like on a rug, you wouldn't want stains to show. Or on a white shirt when you're going out to eat spaghetti. But on a plate, you really don't want stains to be hidden. Because you wouldn't want to find with your fork. Like you're eating a piece of coleslaw, and then your fork goes over the yellow part of the plate. And you realize there's gelatinous egg yolk stuck there from the last cycle of the dishwasher.

You were waiting for them to go, hey, he's a regular Gilbert Gottfried. I was waiting for that. He says that he doesn't want the food to be shown rather than just washing the food off the plate. Like the plates are dirty. And they both looked at me. And then I waited a moment and I said That was my way of signaling it.

You know how George Burns would finish a joke and then use the cigar as timing and Jack Benny would maybe just look into space. You know, my way was we kind of wanted to... Let me do the whole thing. Don't interrupt me. I want you to hear the exact timing.

We were kind of looking for a pattern that wouldn't show food stains. Huh. That was my time. And when I went... So that was kind of like Foghorn and Lakehorn going, That was my job. And when I went, huh, huh. So that was kind of like foghorn leghorn going, that's a joke, son. Well, at least foghorn leghorn had the testicles to go, that's a joke.

Yes. I didn't even have the guts. I just kind of went, huh, huh, huh. And she said, well, yeah, maybe I'll pick out the pattern. And that was an epiphany for you. It was an epiphany for me. Not going to go into college. I said, maybe I'll work a little bit more in Charlize Pass and learn to do a good, decent card tricks.

Because otherwise, I'm not going to make a living. And, you know, I'm not going to have strippers support me the rest of my life. Turned out I did. Yeah. But I was worried. Now, I remember being at a strip club. With me? Yeah.

I mean, I want to make this very clear. We were both patrons. You were in a strip club and one of us was working. And I remember that there was a female bartender, of course. And what she would do, she wanted to get tips. So she didn't want her tits covered. So she would, like, when she'd lean over to ask your order, she would, with her finger, like, kind of pull down the top of her shirt.

Like your uncle with the fart joke? Yeah, yes. No, pull down the finger, not pull on it. She'd put her finger, like, at her shirt and pull it aside or down to show her nipple. Give a little shot of the nipple. But make sure that alcohol doesn't touch it or nagasaki. When they passed that law that in some strip clubs, if they serve alcohol, the nipples have to be covered. They got around it by putting clear tape.

Oh, even better. No, they went in Jersey, because everything's better in Jersey. In Jersey, I happen to know, I have, I won't say it's a vocation, but it was a vocation at times, but an avocation, certainly, for banging the shit out of strippers.

And so I've known many of them very, very well. They will take, let me demonstrate. See, now he. Get the camera ready. They will take clear, you're with me on this, right? You've done this. Okay, can I tell the audience Penn is now showing his nipple. His shirt is open and he's showing his nipple.

And I'll never get another heart. I'm not touching your nipple. His shirt is open and he's showing his nipple. And I'll never get another heart. I'm not touching your nipple. Frank, Frank, this is why you're here. You don't pay me enough. It's very, very hard. You were looking to monetize. Here it is. Feel how hard my nipple is.

Frank is touching Penn's nipple. Yes, and with full consent. Even in Ohio, in a college, that would have been allowed. Even if we were at Oberlin, or even at Antioch College, that would have been a sexual encounter that was acceptable. I asked you to touch my nipple.

I'm comfortable in my masculinity. That has nothing to do with what I was saying. I was talking about the laws. So he touched your... They will take... Are you with me on this? Because you might want to do this when you're in Thailand. No, you'll have to touch some testicles.

Yeah, well... We should explain that we're here with our engineer and his new bride, and they're headed to Thailand on their honeymoon. And we only know... We're talking imaginary podcast, right? For me, there's one reason to go to Thailand. Yes. Right.

And that is, you know, trans people. And the Thai food. Okay, so now he's licking his lip. No, he's licking his finger. He's setting up testimony that he does not know his lip from his finger. So when he is deposed in the Cosby trial he'll be able to go oh i have some previous information your honor that shows that the word nipple and the word finger are the same to me you take a little bit of clear nail polish oh my god and they put clear nail polish yes and then

they say officer my nipple is covered with clear nail polish. And I know that because one of my girlfriends in Jersey, when she would come home from work, my job was to gently put the acetone on her nipple to get off the clear. That would make a great movie. Sort of like The Dresser. Yes. With Albert Finney. I think what he means is you take the five-second process of putting acetone on the needle. It would be a short.

And slow it down to an hour and a half. Or it could be a three-stooge or two. And the stripper could go. Are you sure you three guys know what you're doing? That could have been someone's job. You think that was someone's job at the club? It was my job. Right, but you were in a relationship with her.

But someone at the club actually had to take the laminate. If you are using acetone to take nail polish remover off the nipple of a woman in Jersey. We don't call that a relationship. Okay? In Thailand, that's a legal marriage. Speaking of the podcast not being heard for 40 years, what do you make of this news that the day the clown cried is going to find its way into circulation?

I only saw the headline. Ten years from now. Is there a... Yeah, ten years from now. And is the movie cut? Is it... That I don't know. I don't think so.

I don't know that it's been... I don't know that it's been assembled. Did Belzer see it? No, Harry Shearer. Harry Shearer saw it, yeah. Yeah. And have you read the script? You don't read.

I glanced through. Someone sent me the script. Yeah, it's available. The script is available online. For those of you who don't know, you shouldn't be listening me this script. It's available. The script is available online. For those of you who don't know, you shouldn't be listening to this podcast. That's right. I don't think we've ever talked about it, though, on this show. Jerry Lewis is a clown in Germany.

Okay, we'll get to the movie. Yeah. Helmut Dirk. Yes. As a matter of fact, I auditioned for Ishtar. Oh, that's a scoop. I auditioned for Ishtar, and I went in with Elaine May. She directed it.

Went with Elaine May, and she said to me, it was with the producers, this is very much like the story of I want a plate pattern that doesn't show stains. Oh, yeah. And she said to me, we're doing this movie, Ishtar, and you've got your pages. Let me just give you a little bit of the back story. Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman are washed up entertainers. I said, oh, it's a documentary. And there was not a smile in the room.

There was not the slightest twinkle of a grin. They just went... And I went... Which is my trademark. And I mean, it just went nowhere. And they barely auditioned me after that. They were really pissed that I made that joke. What part were you auditioning for?

Was it Jack Weston's part? I don't know. I don't remember. You have the movie memorized. Well, we had Paul Williams on the show a couple weeks ago and he wrote all those crazy songs for the movie.

The intentionally bad songs that they sing. Well, you know, Paul Williams tries to claim, oh yeah, Rainbow, Not Easy Being Green, intentionally bad.

Why are there so many songs about rainbows? Trying to be silly, trying to be bad. Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. Just a howl and how bad it was. Just slapping at the table and how fun. That's a howl. It was a challenge for him because the songs were supposed to be. I know.

I know Paul. I don't call him Paul supposed to be. I know. I know Paul. I don't call him Paul. I call him Lanky. That's my nickname for him. Lanky. I like it. I met him. He's got his, the woman he's on with, Tracy.

Yeah, Tracy Jackson. Tracy Jackson he's on with. And I walked in and Neil deGrasse Tyson was also there. And I know Neil for a while. And Neil and I were standing there. And then Tracy came in and said, goodness, Penn, how much weight have you lost? And I said, you know, over 100 pounds. And she said, wow, you look lanky.

And Paul Williams said, my whole life I've always wanted to be called lanky. And I said, for the rest of my life, I shall call you Lanky. So we then went and did the podcast. And every time I had to refer to him, I would say, you know, my friend Lanky, who I've known for years, and Tracy would always try to jump in explaining why I was calling him Lanky, and I would never let her. I wanted people to just go, Lanky? So anyway, Lanky was talking about Ishtar. And I don't know what part they had.

Because I'm telling you, they were pissed off. That's interesting. They were pissed off. And that seems like the obvious joke to make, doesn't it? Yeah. You wouldn't be pissed off by that. You'd think someone like Elaine May would have a sense of humor about something like that. Well, Elaine May was great, right? What did she do that was good?

Oh, well, Nichols and May. Well, Nichols and May. Do you know a pen moment I had? Oh, good. Now we're using pen moment as a term when you say something that's not funny? When you say something that's not funny. Good. I hope that catches on in the Norman Clayton.

I was on The Tonight Show and Harrison Ford. With Johnny Carson? No, with Jack Park. And Harrison Ford was on, and he said, you know, I'm a big fan. I loved you in the Aristocrats. I love dope. And I can't leave well enough alone, like, rather than just say, oh, thank you. Yeah.

Would have been a fine response. Yes. Now, is this on the air? No, no. They're backstage, and I shook his hand, and I go, oh, thank you, and you are? Uh-huh. And it was basically, all it needed was a, eh. And it was like the longest three seconds of my life after that.

And then did he finally say Harrison Ford? Yes. Oh, that's great. Yes. So I would say in that exchange, Harrison Ford wins. Yeah, absolutely. Wins big. Absolutely.

And to this day, I'm going, why didn't I just say, oh, thank you? I like Blade Runner. you yeah well you know i like blade runner i can't sleep at night and i wake up in a cold sweat of what a failure and awful person i am it almost always revolves around why didn't i just say thank you oh god why did i didn't i just say thank you? Why did I say fuck you, you miserable asshole? Instead of just saying thank you. Why didn't I just say thank you? As a matter of fact, Hitler in the bunker.

Why didn't I just say thank you? They made me chancellor. I could have just said thank you. Why'd I have to go a step further? I could have gotten a nice office and been there now. Sure. And Charlie Manson.

They let me out of prison. I had five women who would do anything sexually for me. Why didn't I just say thank you? They listened to my crappy songs. I had the Beach Boys coming over. And you know, if you read about the Charlie Manson stuff, the sexual stuff to me is the most important part.

Because they would do anything there. You know, I always aspire to polymorphous perverse. And why do you cross that line? Why, after you've had a four-day orgy with eight women and you, why don't you just go, thank you, instead of going, I've got an idea. Let's go carve up a pregnant woman. Start a race war. Start a race war. But, of course, he failed so miserably.

And I like how in prison now he's got a swastika tattoo on his head. Yeah. Well, you know, Dennis Miller had that great joke where he said before going to his parole hearing, Charlie Manson carved a swastika to his head. What better way to signal to the parole board that you've got your personal shit together? But I won't do that in Dennis Miller's voice.

You do, Dennis Miller, don't you? You have a good voice. Just basically like... Didn't he have a fiancé in prison recently? Charlie was going to get married. But then he said... I sit with my iPad, and I read the New York Times most days. And some days, I just go...

Charlie Manson busted his fiancee saying, she doesn't really love me. She's crazy. She's just in it for the publicity. That's cold. Now, what level do you get at where Charlie Manson is calling you out as crazy completely correctly? Every word of that, by the way, is absolutely true, right? There was nothing crazy about that at all. So it's this old Charlie Manson walked in the Macy's and said, you know, the joke about the pattern not showing food stains, not particularly funny, and they're not going to get it.

Just let your girlfriend, who's having a wonderful time and is paying for everything, pick out a pattern that she likes and say, that's very nice, dear. Why don't you do that? Thanks, Charlie. Yeah, like Charles Manson going, Harrison Ford's a fine actor. Tell him he's a fine actor. Simply say thank you. Yes. You could have done your Amish bit, your Kelly McGillis thing.

Oh, yes. You could have done that for him. Yeah. Sure. You should have said, why, thank you, Mr. Ford. It's an honor. Thank you. Yes.

And walked away. Yeah. And Harrison Ford goes, you know, the fellow with the swastika on his head? Giving you fine advice. He makes sense. He's giving fine, fine advice. You know, you can follow him, Gilbert, and you'd be better off. Charlie Manson coming in and going, if you're going to be on Saturday Night Live,

try to be funny. Charlie Manson coming in and going, Charlie Manson coming in and going, I really don't think Alan Thicke is going to knock Carson off the air. You know, try to look down from the swastika of my forehead. I don't think Chevy Chase will be that good a talk show host. Wow, that's a reference. So you don't want to talk about the day the clown cried.

I do. We were talking about that. We were talking about that. So you've got to understand how Gilbert and I talk. I got it. Can you demonstrate how I talk? Yes, I can demonstrate how you talk. You want to talk about the day the clown cried. So Jerry Lewis, adieu.

I say gesundheit Jerry Lewis, adieu! Auf Gesundheit! I say Gesundheit after I say adieu because it kind of sounds like a shoe, which means I sneeze. And then saying Gesundheit because that's German for to your health, which actually is not as polite as people think

because Gesundheit is actually saying we think you're some sort of fucking leper who's sneezing all over the place. So, so, so, so, so. Now he's hitting the mic. He's got the mic moved down. Yeah, he's got it. He's good at that.

So, so, so you're saying a Jew. He is a Jew, Gesundheit. I'm back to the German. So he plays a clown who leads the children, the Jew children, the Jew, the kite children, into the gas chamber to have them killed.

And this is supposed to be his opus, his major work. It's the day, see the clown cries because he made such a shitty movie that it's breaking his heart. How much did you read of it? Did you read the whole thing? Yeah.

You're really the scholar. Apparently, he changed the script. I mean, he added the slapstick. The script was a more serious attempt. But he wrote the script. No, it was written by two other people. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, a woman and a man. And as the story goes,

he added funny. Excuse me. I may have a swastika on my head, but I don't think that a movie about a clown leading Jewish children to their death during the Holocaust

will be a big seller. Good idea, Chuck. Well, you guys are Jerry fans and Jerry aficionados. Why do you think he would, after burying it all this time, why do you think he would suddenly... By the way, with the provision that it not be released for 10 years, after which point Jerry will be gone. I think Jerry, at some point, feels he has to, as the kids say, own it.

Yeah. I think it's been so underground. I would bet that someone is in his ear, like Belzer or one of the people that he likes and respects, telling him that. You know, I've told this story many times. I won't tell it here. But, you know, I tried to be a little cynical and analytical about Jerry Lewis. And then I met him.

And, you know, those childhood hero things, you just completely melt. But I do have one observation. You can do a Jerry Lewis impersonation. Oh, yeah. The serious Jerry Lewis with the imaginary lozenge, right? Yes, yes. Jerry Lewis with the imaginary lozenge, right? Yes, yes. As a filmmaker and an artist,

it behooves me. Now, do the thing where he does, where he trashes Dean Martin while pretending to build him up. You know, when he goes to the thing. Oh, yes. No one thought Dean was funny, but I realized he was the talented one. Oh, my God.

Do that with a lozenge. Okay, that's Jerry. Ignore that ringing phone. That's Jerry's people. Okay. Let it ring one more time. Okay, good. Okay.

This was Jerry Lewis was talking. He was like saying he was defending like Dean Martin and this is fast and he was totally serious and he tells the reporter now when Dean and I

were together and he takes out a scrapbook and he goes Dean was ignored like this review in the Times And he takes out a scrapbook and he goes, Dean was ignored. Like this review in the Times, Jerry Lewis is a creative genius and nothing about Dean. This one in Variety, Jerry Lewis is the modern day chaplain and not a word about Dean Martin. And he keeps going on like that. Incredible.

Never got the credit. Yeah. That's what the kids call the humblebrag. I realize. It was so far beyond that. So far beyond that. I realized, and when I realized this, it just hit me like a diamond bullet. Jerry Lewis, in that voice, in that sense.

Lou Reed. Now, Lou Reed was a good friend of mine, and I miss him tremendously, and one of my biggest heroes, and I loved Lou. But I realized, and I told Lou this, that when Lou was speaking seriously about the Velvet Underground, he sounded exactly like Jerry Lewis in that tone.

Wow. He would go, when we were doing the Velvet Underground, people did not realize the brilliance of john kale they would talk about lou reed's songwriting lou reed's guitar playing lou reed's singing not a word about john kale and he did the imaginary lozenge wow Wow. And of course, I can't do the impersonation. But go to YouTube

and pull up some serious Lou Reed interviews and some serious Jerry Lewis interviews. And I think they may be, I may not be talking about attitude as much as I'm talking about age when the interviews were done and also where they're from. I believe they're from, where's Jerry from?

Oh, Jersey. Jersey, yeah. But I guess Lou's from Long Island. But I don't know, the accent sounds identical to me. So maybe a very similar culture. And I remember I was at the Letterman show. He used to host a late night talk show. Remember David Letterman?

Oh, yeah. We now live in the post-John Stewart, post-Letterman age. It's amazing. Post-Lano age. Yeah. And I was at the Letterman show. And I was there with Lou. Lou was appearing on the show.

And I was there just as a buddy. The kind of buddy that undermines you by saying mean, wicked things. And I was telling the writers and lettermen, Doc's just like Jerry Lewis. Everybody was going, yeah, he really does. Once you hear it, you can't unhear it. Now, did Lou Reed ever say, when I was with the Velvet Underground, there was not a word about Dean? Dean Martin, nothing. Then Charlie Manson comes in and goes,

Dean Martin wasn't in the Velvet Underground. It's funny how often Jerry comes up on the show and almost every guest, after we've had the laughs, like with Leonard Maltin, reveals that, and you too, that he was a hero, even when you're in his presence now. Because I always will make jokes about Jerry Lewis. Has he ever seen you do your telethon bit? No.

You know how we can tell that? Because your legs aren't broken. Yes, yeah, exactly. But he's nice to you, isn't he? Yeah, I mean, at the Friars, when they were naming the building after him, I went to that ceremony, and Jerry comes out, and first thing he goes, he goes, Gilbert, is anything all right? And I can't believe I'm, like, the first person he talks to.

He was amazed. And then, like, he's there. He's, like, yelling out stuff when they're speaking about him, like, just dumb shit. And then he'd laugh at his own joke and he reached back and squeezed my hand. You sure it was your hand? Yeah. We fought earlier

that nipple and finger were the same to you. Oh, nipple and lip. But he grabbed my hand, squeezed it, and I thought oh my, this is like electricity. Don't forget to follow us on our Facebook page, Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast, on Twitter at Real Gilbert ACP, and on Instagram, Gilbert Podfried, Gilbert Podfried.

P-O-D-F-R-I-E-D. You see, it's kind of a pun on the last name. Ah, never mind. It was amazing. I've told this story before, so I'll tell a slightly briefer version. I haven't told it on your podcast, slightly briefer version. I haven't told it on your podcast, but I was backstage with Belzer, Provenza, Stephen Wright, and one other person. And we were backstage at the Montreal Just for Laughs Festival. And Jerry Lewis was coming in that night to speak. And we were way at the end of the hall. So the stage door is at one end, and we're backstage at the hall at the other end.

And the four or five of us are clustered around there. And I have gotten on my high horse. Oh, yeah. And I'm saying, we're all excited about Jerry Lewis coming in here. And Jerry Lewis, I mean, what do we got? The stuff with Dean Martin is brilliant. 18 months of the biggest stars in the world. And then essentially just a guy doing Percodan and just a self-righteous, pompous, talentless

fuck. And we all still kiss his ass and blow him and pretend he's a big, big star. And he actually had 18 months in the 50s and he was good. And you guys were all excited about him coming backstage. And it's just total bullshit. I mean, we should not give respect to a washed up drug addict. And you guys are all excited about him coming backstage. And it's just total bullshit. I mean, we should not give respect to a washed-up drug addict. At that moment, at the other end of the hall, the door opens.

Jerry's standing there. And Jerry looks to the end of the hall and goes, Panteller! And I'm dangerously near you! And he walks across the whole hall. And he gives me this hug. And I start crying uncontrollably. I mean, not just a little bit of tears. I'm sobbing. And I'm saying,

Jerry, you're the greatest comedian that ever lived. You're the biggest influence in my life that I've ever had. I mean, I love you. I just love you, Jerry. And he goes, well, thank you I've ever had. I mean, I love you. I just love you, Jerry. And he goes, well, thank you. And I go, I mean,

every movie you've ever done, and you're still as great today as you ever were, and I just love the stuff you've done. I just love you, Jerry. I just love you. My mom and dad and I would go to your movies. No one means more to me in the world. And Jerry goes, well, thank you, because he just said thank you, not who are you again.

And Jerry walks away. And I'm standing there. I mean, it's not a little bit of moisture in the eyes. It's full tears running down my cheeks. And my glasses with that sprinkle you get when you cry explosively, my glasses are covered.

And I'm watching him walk away. He walks over to tell her. And I'm watching him walk away. He walks over to tell her. And I'm standing there dumbfounded. And then suddenly, reality rushes back. And I turn around and I look Stephen Wright in the eye. And he looks at me and I realize he is looking at pure, unadulterated evil. he is looking at pure, unadulterated evil. And I look at Belzer,

and they're looking like they have never seen pure hypocrisy and pure lying hate. They just think, we've just watched him trash this person mercilessly, and now he's crying and hugging him. I have never seen such pure evil up this close. And they're just looking at me. And none of them says anything. And they're not even smiling.

Because, you know, you can laugh at a certain level of hypocrisy. But another level, you know, it gets to Donald Trump. You're just dumbfounded. Yeah. And I go, I didn't know I was going to react like that. Another brilliant, brilliant comeback. That's a real moment. It was amazing.

It was amazing. And then we went on talking and they said, yeah, we know. And they had all met him before. And I said, all of that that I said, even when I was telling the story, I can no longer feel it because I met him. And then, you know, I've flown on a plane with him. And when we were landing, he put the cup in his mouth and did all that. And I have never felt more like I made it in show business than when Jerry Lewis looked me in the eye and said my name. Harrison Ford.

And I, well, I know it's like, because I always do jokes making fun of him. And when, anytime I've met him, I'm five years old sitting with my parents watching The Nutty Professor. I know. Yeah. It's like I'm transported back in time. It's more than that to me. It's I'm begging my parents to take me to the movie again. Yes.

Because, you know, my mom would not see a movie more than once. My mom had a book, you know. And my mother, if there was a movie on in 1971 on TV, an 11 o'clock movie or something, and my dad was excited about watching it, she would go back to the book and she would say, Sam, we saw this in 1948. And my dad would say, I remember nothing about it. My mother would say, me neither, but we've seen it. We're not going to watch it again. She kept a diary of all the films that she had seen. So do I.

Wow. So do I. But my mother, and even now, when I start to watch Taxi Driver again, I think of how horrified my mother would be. My mother, especially as she got older, hated old things. She just wanted things that were new. And she hated antiques. She hated all that stuff.

And she hated antiques. She hated all that stuff. And she hated reruns. And I remember when we were doing Sin City Spectacular, the Penn & Teller show in the 90s, toward the end of my mom's life. My mom died the first day of 2000. So this was like 90, this is where I need Glenn, 95, 96, we were doing this.

And she, we had been doing Sin City Spectacular, which was a big deal. It was Penn & Teller's Sin City Spectacular. It was on FX Network. It was a real show that we were producing and writing and starring in. And we had done our 22 episodes. And it was the first week of repeats. And I called my mom the next day.

And I said to my mom, well, you know, our show was on last night. And she said, yeah, your father wanted to watch it, but we've seen it. So we watched Christopher Reeve doing Rear Window. Oh, that's so funny. And I said, but mom, you saw Rear Window. And she said, not with Christopher Reeve. And I said, but mom, you saw Rear Window. And she said, not with Christopher Reeve. And I like him. He's such a good-looking man.

I said, he's in a wheelchair. He broke his neck. And she said, well, we've seen Sin City. Unbelievable. That was the end. My dad would want to watch video of his son over and over again. My mother would be, he's wonderful, but we've seen that. Oh, here's something I wanted to ask you that's

off the topic, but I've never been able to speak to the dead, unfortunately. Of course you can speak to the dead. They just can't speak back. Try it now. Say something to Bela Lugosi. Now, can you show me how to speak to the dead?

Sure. Hey, Bella. That's all you got to do. But what are some of the tricks to talking to the dead? When people go, well, there's many different levels. Yeah. Because one-on-one is very different than a group. I'll tell you a story of John Edward.

And this is secondhand. A friend of mine, Jeff McBride, told me this story. But he was playing, and all of this, all the details are important. John Edward was doing the showroom in Atlantic City. So over 1,000 people, maybe well over, a few thousand people. And he's going to do readings. So he comes out with a microphone. Jersey.

Yeah. Okay. Atlantic City. And he says, does Greece mean anything to someone in the audience? Does Greece mean anything to someone in the audience? And somebody raises their hand and says, my mother just passed away and she loved that movie. And John Edward goes, no, I meant the country.

Now that shows he's not good at his job. In a crowd of 2,000 people who have all come. South Park covers this very well. See the South Park John Edward episode? They lay it out perfectly. I'm getting the sense of someone with an R in their name. 2,000 people, all of them grieving. There's an R there somewhere.

But on one-on-one, and we both lost our parents, so you know, if you believe this, you know, all the tricks seem obvious if you don't believe. But if you do believe, and I've listened to the tapes, the raw tapes, the raw

tapes, when someone tells you, he told my mother's name, what her favorite hobby was, everything else, you then listen to the raw tape. And the tape is remarkable because all the person wants to do, the victim, is talk about the person they loved. So you say, I get the sense of your mother has passed on. And you go, yeah, she had cancer and she was only 63 years old when she died. And my brother and I loved her. And I see that your brother is also grieving. I mean, they really do say back what you've heard. And I did this experiment you can do, which you can't do because people know you. But if you aren't known, when you go into a conversation with someone, say you're sitting on an airplane. I don't know why I look at you as unknown.

You're a little known. But, you know. Yeah, I got the idea. Once in a while, you're sitting on a plane, but someone has no idea who you are. And when you sit next to them, if you decide to engage in a conversation, and all of us fly enough that we probably don't. We probably pull

out a book and pull out our iPad and we don't interact with the person. I haven't flown in 12 years. Is that true? I get the idea. If you were to fly, many people for whom flying is a special deal are excited and will talk to the person next to them. There's an experiment you can try that I found that I used to do

in the 70s and 80s when I was first really studying this stuff. When you go sitting next to a stranger, if you look at what your mind is doing, your mind spends all this time trying to establish what you are going to say and what image you want to project to that person. If that person is a possible business for you, possible sex partner, possible flirting, possible friend. You're representing a different thing and how you want to be seen and how you're feeling that day.

So as I'm talking right now in this very artificial environment of having microphones in front of us, you're constantly listening to every word and seeing if there's some hook you can get or some joke or somewhere you can go. But even in a less charged situation, you're still doing that. I used to try this experiment of sitting next to somebody and saying, I'm going to try to do nothing but get all the information possible from them in as short a period of time as possible. So first we look at the shirt, you know, how your sleeves are rolled, how much the shirt costs, whether you're in first class, whether you're

in coach, whether you're wearing any rings, if you've got a watch, how much the glasses cost, how your hair is cut. Now that's stuff that is all available instantly. And yet, if you're thinking about yourself, you don't really get all of it. You know, your hand gestures don't mean, you know, studying body language and this means you're closed off and this means you're open. I mean, just the stuff that's meant to be told. You know, like you telling me you're listening to me and, you know, you get all that stuff. And then have them talk. And in three questions that aren't even directly that question you can always tell if they're married or not what their income bracket is what they do for a living and if you

just follow up on what in the sentence they really are interested in you can find out in a hour flight everything about a person. Now we live in a culture, and perhaps all cultures, where the interaction people have is that way. Now I've always said that talking to the dead and fortune telling is a feminist issue. And you can't get feminists, many feminists to agree with that. But most of the victims, the overwhelming majority of the victims are women. And one of the reasons, I believe, is that we have a culture that doesn't listen to especially women who are tending to children and watching out for the family who don't have a career. family who don't have a career. So mostly the victims of this are just below lower middle class or middle class with enough money to be preyed upon, but not enough money to be wealthy and who are maybe holding down a part-time job and taking care of children. They sit down in a room for an hour with someone who's just paying attention to them.

Yeah. And they just pour out their hearts. So the answer, the very, very sad answer, whenever someone tells me, how does this fortune telling and talking to the dead work? The answer you want is you want some sort of clever tricks. And I have those answers. But the real answer is one word, and it's the saddest word possible,

which is loneliness. Well, I heard with, like, con artists who want to get people to invest and, you know, just take your money. Their easiest prey is old people. It's always old people. Old people, they don't have friends. Their family doesn't talk to them.

You know, when David Mamet, David Mamet's one of my favorite writers, but he writes these shows about scams. And it's always being run on young, vibrant people. And it's Steve Martin. It's all this. Because that's where the storytelling is. But the real cons are all elder abuse. Because they're lonely.

Very lonely. You know this horrible, horrible grandfather, grandmother scam? No. And it runs all the time and it works perfectly. Is you simply by reading a newspaper or by surfing the web, you find someone who has a grandchild in their 20s. Really not hard to find. And you find that grandparent's home phone number. And you call up, cold call, and you say, hi, granddad, this is Bob.

Oh. Okay? And with bad hearing and with bad memory and a lot of grandchildren, and you have the name, they often don't make the voice. And then you say, I was traveling and I got robbed and I can't

get in touch with mom and I need a thousand dollars right now can you wire it to Western Union in Wyoming right now and they say I don't know how to wire money and you say well let me tell you how to do it here's what you do take out your

credit card do this now is that going to work every time? No. The mother could be dead. There could be a piece of information you don't know. But how long does that call make to fail before someone says, fuck off, right? Five minutes, four minutes. So you can do 15 of these an hour.

And you get one on the hook and you've got $1,000. And it's just loneliness. And, you know, and then the mother calls up a few days later or maybe sadly in our culture a week and a half later. And the grandparent says, you know, Bob called and he was in Wyoming. And the mother says, Bob has a law practice in New Jersey. You know that. And you go, oh, yeah, I do. And the mother says, Bob has a law practice in New Jersey. You know that. And you go, oh, yeah, I do.

Well, he's visiting Wyoming. And he got, no, no, he wasn't, Mom. He wasn't in Wyoming. He's at his law practice. He's with his children. And it takes a long time to unravel it. And then you've got maybe a phone record with a phone number from a pay phone, and you've got a Western Union station in Wyoming with someone who came in and picked up a check and signed for it.

And it's gone. And all of this stuff is based on, you know, the Jehovah Witnesses and those people. They come to the door. Who's got time to talk to them? I mean, me, I answer the door naked and say, come on in, let's have pie. But who has time to talk to them? I mean, me, I answer the door naked and say, come on in, let's have pie. But who has time to talk with them?

And the answer is, you know, elderly. And, you know, the people in our society, and that's the thing, you read all these books about cons, and if you're in magic, you get really excited about poker cheats and gambling cheats and people that run these scams and how clever they are. And isn't this brilliant? Isn't this wonderful? And then you start getting into the trenches and you realize these are people that come and try to run a scam on old people. And if the scam doesn't work, they punch them in the face, knock them down the stairs, and take all their silver. I mean, it's the only skill they really have is the skill of immorality.

It's fascinating what you're saying about that, well, not to use the demographic of women, of middle-aged women, lonely women, falling prey to those kinds of psychics. The word feminist includes so many people that it's an unfair term to use. But there are some people who are self-declared feminists that I've said to them, this is a feminist issue. You know, if we have someone who is targeting women, I mean, it certainly shouldn't be as high on your list as rape or taking back the night or date rape or safety. But somewhere on the list that should be there. And the answer I got in this particular case, I'm not trying to make a general statement.

This particular case was, no, no, but women are more in touch with their intuitive side. They're more into fortune telling because they have a more sensitive side. And I go, no, these are people stealing money from them, stealing money and dignity and respect. This matters. Because part of women having power is knowing the truth and not having money taken from them. How can that not be part of your agenda?

We don't want to deny the intuitive side of women. Yes, you fucking do. You do want to deny that. You know what gets me too with all these people who speak to the dead or read minds is that thing where they'll go okay is there a joe or a susan or a bill and they'll go uh oh my name's john yeah and it's like john and you go oh my god how did he know that yeah well

you said that yeah and you listen to the recordings and it's amazing uh one of the things that skeptics groups do is if someone is a believer they'll say just please when you go in turn on your phone to record that's all we ask you to do and completely be a believer completely be this and then you go back on the tape and you say the recording tape i'm yeah back in the last century you go back to the tape and you say, the recording tape, back in the last century. You go back to the recording and you say, you know, the first person to say the word John was you. The first person to say the word machinist was you. The first person to say that he loved Steppenwolf was you. They went on about it.

Yeah. And until you hear the recording, it's really amazing what the memory will do if you desperately want to believe. See, you know, I've heard recordings of people who are skeptics going to these things. And they're really, really funny. Because if you do this right, it's hysterical. When I meet a fortune teller, when I used to, now they would not let me near them. But you do this wonderful thing, which is very, very, very funny, which is we go in and you say, does the name John or Susan or Bill mean something to you?

And you say, well, you've said three names. Which one of them? And what would it mean to me? And then you say, someone passed recently. And you say, this is interesting because what you said was a statement and yet you asked it as a question. Are you saying someone passed recently? Are you asking me if someone passed recently? Because if you're a hard ass, that's what you do.

And they got fucking nothing. Nothing. And that's the thing they do. There were five people in your family? Now, everybody has five people in their family. Everybody. Because mother, father,

you, and a couple grandparents. Your two sisters, your brother, you, and your mom. Because dad wasn't around much. Whatever you can do, you can alibi five. Someone always has a problem with their left knee. My favorite one that works as a cold reading, which is amazing because it's an overlap between cold reading and poetry. And then in poetry poetry we're looking

for universals that we don't know are universals in stand-up comedy we're often looking for universal means seinfeld yeah he's looking for universals that we don't know are universals what is it with these uh yeah that's what he's looking for and so you can do stuff like this, Gilbert, I see you as a young boy, eight or nine years old, you're in grade school, and you're with the other children, but in some sense, you're alone. You're feeling totally alone, and yet you're part of the group. You laugh with the other children, they talk with you, But there's something that keeps you a little bit separate. You're outgoing. You like to be the center of attention. But there's part of you that you hold to yourself.

You're ambitious. You're a very ambitious man, Gilbert. But you haven't really done exactly what your potential would lead you to believe. You're very loving. But there's a part of you that you cut off from yourself. All I did there, all of that's true, by the way. All I did there was say something that's true for everyone. Everyone feels alone.

Everyone's part of the group. It's like, yeah. And then my favorite thing is you're saying something and taking it back. You're very successful, not as successful as you'd like to be. You're outgoing, but there's a certain part of you that keeps to yourself. You're a very tall man, but you're also short. Well, it's like in horoscopes. I always love.

Which, by the way, are true. Yeah, yes, they are. They'll say, well, oh, well, this is what I love with horoscopes. When someone will say to me, like, what sign are you? And I'll go, Pisces. And they'll go, ah, I knew it. Well, if you knew it, why didn't you say you're a Pisces? Well, I've had people come up and say, I feel you're a water sign or a fire sign.

I go, okay, you've covered eight months of the calendar. And which is it? But I have a story about that. Now, we've got to end, right? We're done. No, we've covered eight months of the calendar. And which is it? But I have a story about that. Now, we've got to end, right? We're done. No, we've got a couple of minutes. I want to ask you about Kreskin, too, if we have time. I hate it.

But I've told that story so many times. Tell her, oh, this is heartbreaking. You want to hear a sad, sad story? Yes. We were at a party with Kreskin, okay? And have you ever met crescent yeah i can i tell you a quick one i i i ran into crescent and i this is second time oh so hope you were driving i saw him and we we shook hands and he goes oh, Gilbert, where did we meet before? And I'm thinking, you're the amazing Kreskin.

But you skipped over how he shakes hands. Oh, yeah, he pumps your hand painfully. He comes in hard and pumps your hand painfully. What's that about? Like he's going to rip your hand off. And that's very well known. And also, even though Teller and I, as amateurs and as professionals, and publicly and privately, loathe him. This goes back to the ESP when you were a kid.

He still comes up and pumps our hands. Yes. Okay? So Teller walks into a room. Because, you know, I love teller more than anyone in the world and teller comes into a room and crescent's on the other side of the room and teller looks over crescent looks at me and he walks over to the table right and he comes back over to me, and he goes, Ben.

And I go, what? And he goes, and he glances down at his own right hand. And his right hand, palmed, beautifully palmed, he has a chocolate eclair. And then he looks over at Kreskin. And he says, just waiting. Hilarious. And then Kreskin leaves the fucking party. But I got to tell you, Teller gets full credit for that.

Even though it didn't happen. I was just going to tell the story about who? You said you were going to tell a sad story about Kreskin. I was going to tell the story about who? See, we lost the... You said you were going to tell a sad story about Kreskin. Oh, I was going to tell a story about someone else. I just forgot the story I was going to tell. I wanted to end with it, but it wasn't Kreskin. It was who else was I going to tell? Damn.

Another person who some of you loathe. No one's listening. No one's listening to me at all. Uri Geller. No, it wasn't Uri Geller. It wasn't Uri Geller. Do you remember where it was, BJ? That's part of your job. It a regaler. No, it wasn't a regaler. It wasn't a regaler. Do you remember where it was, BJ? That's part of your job. It was so interesting. I was just going

to go on it. No, it wasn't. We did horoscopes, and then we went to... Oh, I was going to tell. It wasn't a sad story. It was a monstrous story. So, a friend of mine, a woman, ran a production company in the early 70s. And at my begging, she booked Bruce Springsteen to play.

Now, Springsteen was not well known. She booked Springsteen to play. This was before Born to Run. And it was going to be a concert. And she had me open for Bruce Springsteen. I had a two-person juggling act that did also clowning, and I was going to open for Springsteen. And then I had to do a thing with Ringling,

and I couldn't be there that week, and I changed everything around, and then Springsteen canceled, and Richie Havens went in there. So I was going to open for Richie Havens. I was going to open for Richie Havens, not Springsteen. And this was amazing because I was a street performer

and a circus performer and I had never opened on a real stage. And this is in Jersey for about 1,200 people, which might as well have been Madison Square Garden. 1,200 people when we're the same age. So you can imagine in 74 opening a theater for 1,200 people is

a big, at least for me, a big, big fucking deal. And Richie Havens in 74, this is just four years after Woodstock came out, big, big star. And he's there with his band and I'm going to be the opening act. I got hair down on my shoulders and I'm wearing a certain amount of clown makeup. And I'm going to juggle, right?

And I'm with my juggling partner. And we are going to. And, you know, all I got to refer you to is Elbert Brooks' memoirs of an opening act to know what it's like opening for Richie Havens. And that record, by the way, is already out. And I know that I'm going to go out for that kind of audience. So I am jacked up to high heaven. And my partner at the time is also jacked up because he believes that we're going to open for Richie Havens. And within three weeks, we will be headlining at all these kinds of places because they're going to absolutely love us. And I am that kind of jacked that people like me get and still get opening on Broadway. But when I was 22, 21, I was bouncing off the walls.

I mean, no one had more energy than me and no one was more. So we got our little 10-minute set we're going to do. was more, so we got our little 10 minute set we're going to do. And before the show, before we're going to go out, they tell us we're going to come backstage and meet Richie Havens. We're going to meet Richie Havens. And I'm like, wow. Because I at this point have not met anyone in show business. So you're in New York.

So you knew somebody in show business. I always say the first person I met in show business was me. We had carnival people come through our town, but I never met one person who played in a band. I never met one comic, one juggler, one magician. My whole time growing up, until I left Greenfield, I never

met a single person. So I had never met Richie Havens. I mean really was meeting Brando at his peak for me. I mean, this is a big deal. But I'm an asshole. And that also figures into the story. So there's a green room backstage, which I thought was just palatial. It was real show business.

And I'm going to meet Richie Havens. And we open the door. And it is the, I mean, it's Cheech and Chong. It's the most marijuana smoke that's, and I never smoked dope in my life, so it's astonishing to me how much marijuana smoke. And there is Richie Havens, and Richie Havens, who did a record

that was just each sign, each astrological sign. He did a song for each one of them. He is holding court, and he is telling them about each astrological sign. And the door opens and we hear a little bit of him finishing up talking about, you know, Sagittarius. And then the poor 20 year old girl that I convinced to put her parents' money into booking him and having me open introduces me. This is Pete and Penn. They're going to be opening for you. And I'm standing there, you know,

six foot seven, 180 pounds, skinny, you know, Joey Ramone, essentially, long hair, a little bit of clown makeup on, juggling clubs in my hand, looking over all these stoned African-American faces, just the hippest people I'd ever seen in my life. And I go, hello, my name is, my name is Penn. This is, this is Pete. Very nice to meet you, Richie. Richie goes, see, you can tell a lot from just looking at somebody. You can tell a lot from just looking at somebody.

Like, what did you say your name was? I said, Penn. He said, Pat, what sign are you? And I said, well, Richie, I'm an Aquarius. And he said, see, the second he comes in the door, you can tell he's an Aquarius. Aquarius is the water bearer. Aquarius is the one who is seeking and open. You can look in his eyes. You can know all about him being an Aquarius. You can tell all about that. And he does this whole little speech about Aquarius.

And he finishes and I go, I'm actually Pisces. I was lying, asshole. You know, this is all bullshit. And then a guy with a swastika on his forehead comes in and goes, Don't you understand? You're opening for him. Yeah. Well, there was dead, dead silence. And I go, March 5th, Pisces, not Aquarius.

He would have said that it could be explained from any day I gave you. This is what it would have been. Well, we'll be opening for you. Nice meeting you. I'm a big fan. Closed the door. And my partner, who was not my partner after that night, said, did you just call Richie Havens an asshole?

I said, well, no, no, no. He said, yes, you did. I said, no, I was making a point about astrology. He said, no, no, no. He said, yes, you did. I said, no, I was making a point about astrology. He said, no, you said asshole. Look, Richie Havens in the eye, who's letting us open for him, and said, no, asshole, I'm a Pisces. You also lied to him and embarrassed him in front of his entire band. I said, well, my point was about astrology.

He said, no, your point was Richie Havens, who's given us a break, who's letting us open for us. You're an asshole. I said, well, I guess, yeah, I guess kind of. And then my partner hated me. And the woman who booked us hated me. And Richie hated me. I still believe his band secretly loved me. Maybe one where you should have just said thank you.

You know what I love as far as fortune tellers is my favorite with tarot cards. There's the card of death. And it's like, well, it doesn't mean someone died necessarily. It could be the death of an idea. The death of... How's your gerbil doing?

Yes, yeah. The death of a business venture. Or maybe you killed a pizza last night. Death of an erection. He's taking a breath. So much to ask you about, Ben. He's taking a breath. So much to ask you about, Penn. He's pulled all the attention here. We're going to go over to my podcast.

We're going to go over to your podcast. We want to ask you about Arthur Penn. Oh, sure. Let's go. We'll do that on my podcast. Let's finish up the great colossal movie. I want to thank you so much, Penn Jillette, for being on my show. I want to thank the newlyweds for running the engineering

and hope they find a very affordable person of their sexual persuasion to enjoy on their honeymoon. I want to thank Frank, whose last name means Holy Father. I guess he's Frank Pope or something. I want to thank whatever bullshit network I'm on. He makes no money. My name is Gilbert Gottfried. We'll insert the advertising later if anyone wants to give me.

What is it now? $500. I'll take it. I'll sell your fucking elixirs, whatever it is. This is the ultimate, colossal, amazing podcast with Gilbert Gottfried, and my dear friend, who I certainly owe a blowjob to, Penn Jillette. And we will continue this exact interview on Penn's Sunday School, coming up right next on a whole different network, in a whole different city, with all different ideas.

We'll talk about the aristocrats. Thank you so much, Penn. And thank you, Gilbert. Always a pleasure. Thank you. You know, I always tell someone when they ask me, which they ask me often, who is the greatest comedian of our lifetime?

I always answer Gilbert Goffin. Thank you so much. Thanks, Ben.