Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Artie Lange

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

Comedian and actor Artie Lange returns to the podcast for an off-the-wall conversation about Twitter outrage, miscast actors, superhero movie overkill, the cinema of Michael Mann and the kindness of Frankie Valli. Also, James Caan cracks a joke, Roger Moore turns on the charm, Jackie Gleason turns down "The French Connection" and Artie recites dialogue from "Elf," "The Sting" and "Smokey and the Bandit." PLUS: The legend of Mr. Baseball! "The Pope of Greenwich Village"! In praise of Walter Matthau! Abbott and Costello meet The Godfather! And Artie remembers the late, great Don Rickles! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Baseball is finally back. Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager.

Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. A fresh voice can speak to you and open your ears and your mind

to new views and new perspectives. The call of the wild, a crescendo of culture. Listen as a chorus of fresh voices moves you, taking you to greater heights. Add your voice to the mix and let fresh answer back

with perfect harmony in pure Michigan. Keep it fresh at michigan.org. Okay. You want some water before we start? I'm all right. Okay, man. That's very nice of you. Okay. You want some water before we start? I'm all right. Thanks. That's very nice of you.

Okay. Okay. The show hasn't started yet, and we already have two stories that we can't say in the air. Of course, they'll be major losses. And they've already become a running gag. Yeah, exactly. Before we turn the mic on. Right, right.

One is one of my favorite stories in the history of show business. We'll be on the director's cut. Yeah, that's fine. And one has to do with former guest. I'm not going to say anything else. The only clue we'll give you, it's fine. And one has to do with a former guest. I'm not going to say anything else. The only clue we'll give you, it's not Treat Williams. Was it Bill Macy?

Oh, I got a great Bill Macy story. Oh, okay. The guy from Maud? Do you want to do an intro? He's going to do an intro. You want to tell people who's on the show? I'll give great Bill Mazes story. Oh, okay. The guy from Maud? Do you want to do an intro? He's going to do an intro. You want to tell people who's on the show? I'll give you the Bill Mazes. Oh, okay. It's already live.

Okay. Okay. This is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. Good night. This is the last show ever. And I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre. What's up, Frank? Hi, Artie.

How you doing, pal? Hi, pal. Good to see you. Is that timer on your phone the time of me and Gilbert's career? And my own. Time left? Time left 59 minutes? It's like the hourglass in The Wizard of Oz.

Shooting around like the space shuttle. Going by that quick. It's been the hourglass in The Wizard of Oz. Shooting around like the space shuttle. It's gone by that quick. It's been a great ride. All right. Okay. Our guest this week is back for visit number three. And we couldn't believe he made it. I consider for old time's sake not showing up.

We were having a discussion. Do you really think he'll be here? You lost that bet. I somehow offended Anthony Cumia. They said, oh, you're too out of control for the Anthony Cumia joke. Oh, jeez. It's like getting kicked out of a Klan meeting. Which I've done, by the way.

All right, try to get through it, Gil. Go ahead, Gil. Oh, good. Everything's fine. We've got 53 minutes left. He's an actor, radio personality, podcaster, best-selling author. It's true. And one of the most popular and beloved stand-up comedians in the world.

You've seen him in feature films like The Bachelor, Lost and Found, Old School, Elf, and Dirty Work. Yeah. And in TV shows, Mad TV. That's the show you were doing when you shit in your bed. That way, yeah. When I was a pig, I dressed like a pig. I have a pig nose now, ironically enough.

I was dressed in a sketch called Babe Watch. Yes. I was Babe the Pig in Bay Watch, and I was dressed like a pig, and I did cocaine through the pig nose and shit my bed at a motel. We like to talk that story right in the middle of the intro. Alan King has a similar story. I believe he does. Mare Winningham.

That's her go-to story. One of the podcasts has mentioned Mare Winningham. Ever. Mare Winningham's... The technology that created podcasts started long after her career was far earlier. No podcast has ever said

Mayor Winningham. I started up there with Joe Franklin. We had him here, believe it or not. That's fantastic. I think we killed him. I spoke to, what was his name? Orlando Jones. Yeah, Orlando Jones.

And he said he was in the hotel room. Well, no, that was in Vegas. So you shit. I bet. I got a hooker. And a hooker. A hooker literally fucked the shit out of me. This hooker was on top.

I got a hooker. I'm sorry, Frank. That's all right. Speaking of Mayor Winningham. That was a segway. Oh, you St. Elmo's fire fan. So I got this whore who was kind of overweight. And she was on top and she kept riding me.

And I had all this cocaine and Mexican food. Which is a great combination if you want to get lightheaded. So she was riding me and I shit myself while she was riding me. She said, that's an extra 50 bucks.

The greatest... So that's that story Orlando was in the other Yeah he was actually It was a double bed Like Ricky and Lucy Orlando and I could be On the same bed Unless one of us

Had one foot on the floor Yeah so that's One of the more embarrassing things. Good guy, Orlando, by the way. Orlando Jones was my roommate. He was my roommate in L.A. And because this is a show business show, do you think that same thing... Do you think that same story ever happened to Spencer Jordan? Once when Katharine Hepburn was a little heavy.

Mine was also an African queen. He's quick. Spencer, you old poot. Spencer, you old poot. Spencer, you old poot. Are you going to try to get through the rest of that? By the way, it looks like Catherine Hepburn took some Ritalin and cut your hair. Looks like Michael J. Fox shaved you. That's not trying to sound special.

Spencer, did you have some cocaine and a burrito? He walks miles to get that haircut, Artie. Chinatown. Yeah, he walks miles to get everything. Gilbert walked to Montreal to do the festival. Okay. I'm sure people know who's here now. Yeah, I think Artie's alive.

We're going to plug the books and everything, Artie. That's fantastic. No, I think a lot of people right now are listening and going, is that Diane Wiest? First of all, a lot of people are not listening. That's the first lie. Diane Wiest. Second of all, yeah.

Wow. I think I had a Diane Weiss infection once. I've got a Weiss infection. A Diane Weiss infection. It comes from doing two Woody Allen movies. Do you have a question to ask this man? No. Good.

Welcome back, Artie. Thank you. That was a great introduction. He didn't get through. I immediately want to trademark the term Diane Wiest infection. This was part of yeast infection. This was part of your intro. Welcome back to the show.

A man who has a small child was tossed into Frankie Valli's dressing room. That's right. Artie Lang. That's right. My father, we were at the, it was when Frankie Valli's career was in the shitter. Much like mine and Gilbert's. It was when his clock was ticking. We were in Wawa, New Jersey, 1969.

I was two years old. My father found out that he was in the same hotel as us and threw one of my toys in an open hotel room that was his. And he walks in, he sees Frankie Valli has me like singing Sherry to me on the on the sink shaving which was you know it's a sweet story because your parents were trying to get frankie valley tickets yeah yeah and it's in the book it's in the first book dinner with him and everything yeah the picture with me yeah the picture is great yeah frankie valley ever shit Every shit night. Big girls don't shit.

And when it was coming out, did he go, I can see him. I can see I can take the night off. Big girls don't shit. This is great. I'm going to go in the booth and join Darren Frank. I did want to say before it gets completely out of hand. I never saw Frankie Valli shit himself. The book, the Too Fat to Fish book is very sweet.

There's a lot of great stories about your mom and pop in there. People should buy it and read it to see another side of you. It's been out for 12 years. I know, but what the hell? We can move some old books. Absolutely. I've written three books, and I say them much. It's the same like with Godfather 1, 2, and 3.

If you buy all three of those DVDs, it's perfect for a party because you could watch 1 and 2 and do coke off of 3. You could say the same for my books. There's also the Great Bank Teller story in that first book. I got arrested for attempted bank robbery when I was 17, which is a rite of passage when you're Italian in North Jersey. Yeah, say, give me the money, say. Well, it was from a Woody Allen from Take the Money and Run. I was trying to be funny.

Oh, yes. It says you have a gum, and it's gun. App natural. I wrote a note to a teller who was cute, and she pressed to be funny. Oh, yes. It says you have a gum, and it's gun. App natural. I wrote a note to a teller who was cute, and she pressed the silent alarm. The cops came. That's a good story. Yeah, I got arrested for bag robbery. And didn't you think in the story

you said that, you said, I have a gun, put the money in the bag, and then you signed your name. I signed my name. To thank you for cooperation, Artie Lang Jr. I don't want them to think it was my dad. Yeah, the first line was, I have a gun. And a judge read that back to me in the courtroom for like an hour.

In front of all these juvenile delinquents in the courtroom, like in juvenile court, you can, you know, the rest of the courtroom hears your shit. So he goes, Mr. Lang, let me read something to you. I have a gun. Put $50,000 into a bag. She went to give me the money. Didn't the SWAT team show up at the house,

the girl you were seeing? Well, the girl, my girlfriend at the time was 18. I was 17. And she had an account at the bank. I didn't. So right after we left, the whole SWAT team showed up at her house. Christ. Yeah.

A good story. That ruins a relationship. Has that happened with you and Daria? It's Zany's. They want the money back. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's Zany's. They want the money back. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,ie. Well, no, I had a couple of jokes that I wanted to share with Gilbert

because these aren't really jokes. They're just things I got like he had a lot of Twitter outrage in his life. So I wanted to share some of my Twitter outrage. Oh, great. Okay, you know the show Mixed-ish? Yeah, sure. It's about a biracial family. I pitched a show. This got me a death threat on

Twitter. I pitched a show about a biracial brain-dead family called Mixed Vegetables. A woman told me her son was brain-dead. I said, then don't tell her the joke. An animated whale with cancer. A movie called Finding Chemo. So have you seen The Irishman yet? So what, is that the Scorsese movie?

Yeah, I knew you were a Scorsese guy. I love, I know I haven't seen, is that out? I think it's, there have been screenings, certainly. Oh, okay. Yeah. They went back to that well, the gangster well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the reviews have been through the roof.

Oh, yeah, okay. I know I have been through the roof. Oh, yeah? Okay. I've died of anything with Scorsese, sure. What did you think of what he said about superhero movies? Did you hear that? What? That they're all just... They're ruining, basically ruining, not cinema.

Yeah. They're amusement park rides. Yeah, I mean, it's like they just keep telling the same fucking story over and over. How many times are you going to tell that Batman story? I don't give a shit. Or the Joker. At least six more. Yeah, how many times are you going to tell that Batman story? I don't give a shit. Or the Joker? At least six more. Yeah, how many times

are you going to hear about the Joker? He fell in some acid. And he, I don't know, he's a serial killer. Well, you know, I mean, you know, after Cesar Romero,

we were fine with that. The dynamic dimwits. Did you see that? I mean, they keep going back to Superman. Coppola, too. Oh, yeah. They both came out against Superman movies. you see that? I mean, they keep going back to Superman. Coppola, too. They both came out against Superman movies. Well, yeah, I mean, listen.

I understand their point. Yeah. How many fucking... The Avengers, you know, it's all the same shit. We get it. I think they did... Legos were Batman, right? They did.

They made Legos. They did a Batman Lego movie. Yeah, yeah. For sure. How about an Italian Batman with Dagos? Outrage. Outrageous. Now, I heard, someone told me a story.

You heard. About what, with your nose. Yeah. How it happened. Well, it happened a few ways. Okay. 30 years of snorting drugs is the first way. Yeah, okay, that's one. Yeah. How it happened. Well, it happened a few ways. Okay. 30 years of snorting drugs is the first way. Okay.

That's one. Yeah. One way. Another way is a bookie who I owed money to punch me in the face. Another way is I was with another hooker. Not the same whore that I shot myself with. Another one. And she cut it.

We were. This is the one I heard. Okay. Okay. That's why I'm closing with it. I was in a hotel room in St. Louis. Yes. The Four Seasons.

So Gilbert can relate. I was at the Motel 6. Right, exactly. There's a no from the Four Seasons. I was at the Least Western. That's an orchestral piece. The worst western. Did you see the documentary?

The Gilbert doc? I'm in it. Oh, you're in it. That's what you're in it. What the hell am I thinking? That's the only movie. And I think your nose was bleeding in half. It was.

Sure, of course. Yeah. But tell us. You were with a hooker. Who directed that? Martin Borsese? Yeah, but tell us, you were with a hooker. Who directed that, Martin Borsese?

The Cooper documentary was directed by Francis Ford Doppler. So, no, okay, so I'm in a hotel room with a hooker. We all have a story like this, right? In St. Louis. Yes. And we were snorting pills. We were snorting oxycotins you have to crush them up really fine to snort them

so I'm in the shower and I come out like Jackie Gleason in a robe with this hook I want what I want either you have a motorboat with two propellers or I'll go somewhere else oh that's good OxyContin. Hello, OxyContin.

This OxyContin is the greatest OxyContin in the world. Good night, everybody. I said to the hooker, I said, do you mind if I punch you to the moon? Do you mind if I hit you so hard you'll go to the moon? What are you talking about? So, yeah, so she crushes up the pills, but we ordered room service.

And we had a, she had a salt shaker she was trying to crush the pills up with, and her not being Einstein. She wasn't Alberta Einstein. She broke the glass salt shaker, and a lot of the glass got into the powder. And she could have worked in a refinery. She made it really fine. She cut these lines up, and then she got called down to the front desk because I bought her a fur coat. It's such a refinery. She made it really fine. She cut these lines up and then she got called down to the

front desk because I bought her a fur coat. It's such a long story. And then I came out and, you know, like Jackie Gleason in my robe, I'm like, whoa! Look out! Some men are going to snort some oxys! Clear the field! Nice.

Look out, some men are going to snort some drugs. And I snorted the line, and it was like a zipper. And my nose started to bleed. I had a show that night, and I had to cancel it. And I had to go to the hospital. So you snorted glass and salt. And Oxycontin. The Oxycontin was the only good thing.

Yeah, no, because Oxycontin is so good. And this is where Oxycontin gets a bad rap and heroin. It's so good that it canceled out the other two things. Now I want to try it. Well, you should. You'll be broke in a year. All that parrot money will be gone. Affleck!

Bye. Artie, I'm going to make you toss in some of these great movie quotes you've been doing on Twitter. And since you brought up Gleason, do you know the Smokey and the Bandit one by heart? Yeah, I think I could do the Smokey and the Bandit. These are great. They're on Artie's Twitter feed. Burt Reynolds talking to Jackie Gleason at a bar. You chasing somebody?

Someone chasing you, Sheriff? Ain't nobody chasing me, boy. What you chasing after, a bank robber? Bank robbing? Bank robbing's baby puke compared to what this dude's been doing. Nearly killed 700 officers-in-law, knocking over mailboxes, driving through backyards, got a broad in the car that's kidnapping, driving over a state line that's a man act. I don't think he's got a license.

How's that for high digs? Nice. Nobody, but nobody makes a possum's peck out of Sheriff Buford T. except for shut your ass. My favorite, though, is when he's talking to the one sheriff on the CB radio, and he doesn't realize it's a black guy. So he finally sees the sheriff, and he walks up to him, and he goes, Hey, boy, run and fetch me Sheriff Branford.

I am Sheriff Branford. Oh, you sounded a lot taller on the radio. And then he looks at his son and goes, what's the goddamn world coming to? Nicely done. Jackie Gleason in that movie is actually underrated. Terrific in that movie. He should have got an Oscar for that.

He was nominated for The Hustler. Yes. I'd love to remake that movie. Yes. Yeah. What's that movie that you like that he's in that we talked about? Is it Soldier in the Rain? No.

I like him in The Hustler. He got nominated for that. He got nominated for The Hustler. He's unbelievable. Yeah. Good actor. Because he can really shoot pool. Good straight actor.

And I like just that one line of, play pool fast, Eddie. Yeah, I am playing pool fast. When I'm done, you can play. We talked about this last time that Friedkin briefly considered him for Popeye Doyle. Oh, that would have been great. That would have been awesome. I don't know what went wrong with that. And they considered Peter Boyle, who didn't want to do it because he had already made Joe.

Oh, Peter Boyle, yeah, yeah. And people were screaming at him on the street. I love Peter Boyle. Yeah. I love Peter Boyle. Also great. Okay, here. Now I can ask you a question and attach it to movies.

Go ahead. Ah. Now, okay, you were in rehab. Is it anything at all like in movies like Frank Sinatra? No. Yeah. Frank Sinatra's not a man with a golden arm? Man with a golden arm.

There's no one who looks like Frank Sinatra in rehab. Or Sandra Bullock. There's no one who looks like Ronan Farrow in it. No. Yeah, 28 days with Sandra Bullock. First of all, I love all the hot chicks that are in the rehab. I was the hottest human being in the rehab. I was easily the best looking human being.

Including the women in the fucking rehab. Yeah, Sandra Bullock. There's a lot of Sandra Bullocks. Going to state-run rehabs. Eating four-month-old Rice Krispies. That's what they're fucking doing. That movie really pisses me off because it's like, it's hot chick after hot chick.

And, you know, a lot of these chicks are crystal meth addicts. And if you want to go from Denise Richards to Keith Richards in a month, smoke crystal meth. I mean, meth is like you're just up for 18 straight weeks. You get bags under your eyes. No, the movies haven't come. I want to do a real rehab movie. The problem is no one watching because there's no one good looking in it. There's no leading person in it.

Everyone looks like... A little more like the cast of Cuckoo's Nest. Yeah. And a little more like... No one's even as good-looking as the chief. No one's as good-looking as the guy who played Ignatowski. Which of the drugs... Danny DeVito would be like David Beckham. As the guy who played Ignatowski. Oh, Christopher Lloyd. Danny DeVito would be like David Beckham.

Is the other guy Billy Bibbit? Yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah, that Brad Pitt. And all the jokes that rot your teeth out. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, everybody looks like, you know, they grew up in Bayonne.

Because they did. So you don't think Sandra Bullock? No. I never saw any Sandra Bullock types in the rehab. There's no young Lola Falana. Lola Falana. Bless your heart. Oh, yeah. There's no one who could have been in a Fantasy Island episode. Lola Thelon bless your heart oh yeah

there's no one who could have been in a Fantasy Island episode except Tattoo so you never saw Charlize Theron only when the way she looks

in Monster yeah no I just not Charlize Theron. Yeah. Charlie Tillis. Mel Tillis. Nobody.

Nobody even close. That's the biggest. I mean, because, you know, obviously Hollywood makes to put all good looking people in movies. This is why Gilbert does a lot of cartoons. See you laughing, Dara. Hey, Gilbert, can you be in this movie? No, you know, we're going to make it. Gilbert's the only one available.

Let's make it a cartoon. Oh, Lord. Can John Stamos play the parrot? No. The only one available is Gilbert Gottfried. Let's spend the extra $50 million to animate the movie. With the money we're saving not getting a huge movie star? With the money we're saving on Gilbert's campfire?

Oh, my God. Let's animate the movie. How about the quiet man for lines? Let's have a little. Come on. I need to take requests on Twitter. I love the quiet man when he's fighting the guy, and they're at the bar.

They take a break to have a beer. The guy throws a beer in john wayne's face and john wayne says to the bartender bar towel and then he goes what time is it 5 30 thanks he just punches the guy in the face and they continue an insane riotous brawl throughout dublin uh but um yeah how about a scene from the pope of greenwich village because i know you know these by heart okay this is this is one of my favorite exchanges. This is Eric Roberts, not Julia. Eric Roberts talking to his dad in the movie.

The nose shines his own shoes, Pop. That ain't success. Oh, yeah? What's your idea of success? No one had to spend it. I never bought some chicken for a broad pop. Wasn't at least cordon bleu. I never bought a bottle of champagne. Wasn't at least Dom

Perignon. I went on a street pop. I took $500 off of Shylock to see Sinatra at the Garden. Sat two seats away from Tony Bennett. That's success. Nice. By the way, you can see all of these on Artie's Twitter feed That's right

And he takes requests That's right absolutely I do all the Gilbert's movies Do you do Funky Monkey? What have you been in? What have you been in? What is your filmography? Yeah

I had to be a player He's in BAPS House Party 3. Now it's a party. Yeah. Funky Monkey is one of the better ones. Was Rodney in Funky Monkey? Oh, that was Back by Midnight.

Back by Midnight. With Rodney. With Rodney Dangerfield in a movie called Back by Midnight? With him. Yes. Yes, sir. I didn't know he did. I didn't know he did something after the Wally Sparks debacle.

Oh, and I appeared in Meet Wally Sparks. Really? Have you looked at your royalties lately? I appeared in Wally Sparks. I used that line to get laid. Oh, miss. I appeared to meet Wally Sparks. Well, really, we don't want to meet you. Ford Fairlane he's in.

Yeah, Ford Fairlane. What else, Gil? All the biggies. Yeah, the biggies. Gilbert's ended more careers than the blacklist. What about the one where you played Hitler was that Highway to Hell oh yes

that would also suck versatile you know people feel so ripped off when they see a Gilbert movie they call it getting me-jewed he's like Bruno Gans his Hitler

his Hitler was a tour de force. I'd love to see your Hitler. A better one would be one Hitler missed. I got in trouble because this guy in the paper, there's another Twitter thing. I said, this was a true story. This 100-year-old Jewish plumber, he was a Holocaust survivor, and he had this weird stat.

He survived the Holocaust. He was also the most requested Jewish plumber in the history of New Jersey, and I tweeted out that he was the only guy to make both Schindler's and Angie's list. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Those are two biggies.

That's a hip joke. Those are two biggies. Those are two big lists. So tell us about your triumphant return to stand-up. We were talking about you've been getting some good reviews. Yeah. It started in Albany. It's ending here. This is it, huh?

I went back. Yeah, but listen, much the way Ray Romano writes jokes about, new jokes about having children and Gilbert doesn't. Whatever do you mean? Much the way a comedian writes new jokes and Gilbert doesn't. You say those Corbett and Monica references in his act aren't fresh? Gilbert's got Dead Sea Scrolls lines.

But, you know, I lead this awful, crazy life. So I use that almost as a business model. I mine that for material. So these stories, again, like the sniffing glass stories, like, you know, sophisticated, normal, classy human beings don't have these stories. So I think they find them fascinating. So I'm benefiting from that. That's great. I tell those stories on stage.

When did you get back up? Just a couple of months ago? About two months ago. Two months ago. Absolutely. I was locked up for eight months. Again, rehab with Sandra Bullock and Megan Fox. All the hot chicks that go to rehab.

Giselle Bündchen. She rehabs. Bea Benederit. Chadlow. Tyrese Gibson. Yeah, all the normal people you see in rehab. The Victoria's Secret catalog. Just like 28 days.

And, yeah, so I had a lot of time to think. I was in jail for two months. And unlike him, I'm assuming you used that time to write some new material. Yeah, I'm like... That differs how I used the last eight months and Gilbert's used the last 50 years. That differs how I use the last eight months and Gilbert's used the last 50 years. In the last 50 years, Gilbert hasn't found time to write one joke. He wonders why I'll never walk alone doesn't kill at the end of it.

Now, wait a minute. The Amish material is fairly new, right, Gil? That's right. That's about like four years old. Yeah. Unlike the Amish, that's fairly new. Now, getting back to man with the golden arm. What a reference. What about when he's rolling around?

Oh, the withdrawals. Yeah. That's real. That's real. But again, you don't look like Frank Sinatra when you do it. No, it's terrible. The thing about heroin, which is, you know, why I strongly don't recommend it for you young people, is it's different than any other drug, opioids you, you need it every eight hours.

Like in other words, if you don't have, if you become a heroin addict and it gets physically inside your system, you need more heroin. Like you need oxygen every eight hours. So you go into these horrible withdrawals that makes you do desperate things like, you know,

blow a midget under a bridge in Pittsburgh or accidentally snort glass. So tell us about the time you blew Herve Villages. Arty! Arty! Soak my dick, Arty! The dick! I give you all the cocaine you want. That sounds exactly like my dealer. That sounds exactly like my dealer in Washington Heights. Oh, give me some fellatio.

Oh. Dick cock. Dick cock. Dick Cock! Dick Cock! Smiles, everyone. Smiles. This is Artie Lange. His fantasy is to do heroin with a midget. And Barbie Benton.

Barbie Benton. And Mare Winningham. You know what, G? A lot of millennials are going to relate to the M Mayor Winningham. You know what, G? A lot of millennials are going to relate to the Mayor Winningham. And what was her name? I'm trying to remember that actress. Katera or something? Tia Carrera?

No, no, no. Yeah, that actress, Tia Carrera. Beverly Hills, 902. Oh, Gabrielle Carteris. Yes. Oh, she was the president of SAG. No, no. I mean, I just think that's it. She's the president of SAG. Oh, oh, oh. Gabriel Carteris. Yes. What happened with her? Oh, she was the president of SAG. No, no.

I mean, I just think that's it. She's the president of SAG. She was for a while. Does that have to do with her tits? You know, I'm looking at your tits, Gabriella. You should be the president of SAG. Wow. Here's what you're hearing in a bunch of vegan restaurants

as soon as they put Gilbert's Pockets. Mayor Winningham, click. Artie Lines here. Mayor Winningham, click. We'll pass on that one. So Bill Macy. You had Bill Macy on. The guy from Maud.

Twice. He just died at 97. Wow. Yeah. Wow. All right. Well, he, I did on, the guy from Maud. Twice. He just died at 97. Wow. Yeah. Wow. All right. Well, he, I did. And I think it was drugs.

Yeah. Jared Tall. I did, I did the sitcom with Norm MacDonald for two years on ABC, The Norm Show, and he was a guest star. So Nikki Cox was on the show. Okay. With, you know, big tits. Oh, yes.

Yes. Her name is Nikki Cox. And, okay, so we're at the network read-through. Like, there's network people there, writers and shit like that, producers. And, you know, Bill was a loud guy. And Nikki Cox walks up to him and hugs him and says, Hi, my name is Nikki Cox. And he looks right at her tits and goes,

Really? I'm Bill Pussy. That's Bill. I swear to God. The only two people laughing were me and Norm MacDonald. And wait, that's Bill Macy. Nikki almost started to cry. He goes, hi, I'm Nikki Cox. I'm Bill

Pussy. That's the true story. So he had to write her a letter of apology and he's the first Me Too victim. He had to send her flowers. Wow.

I'm Bill pussy. She comes and she had enormous tits. I'm Nikki Cox. Fantastic. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast but first a word from our sponsor

baseball is finally back get in on major league action and swing for the fences with BetMGM the king of sportsbooks log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real timetime action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM. Your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for T's and C's. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. BetMGM operates pursuant to keep what you already have safe and sound. Go to Kraken.com and see what crypto can be.

Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See Kraken.com slash legal slash CA dash PRU dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's

undertaking to register in Canada. Alright, we're going to make you do another one of these. Go ahead. This one is one of your Another Mexican midget?

Another Parisian dwarf? This was on your Twitter page, on your Twitter. This is you and Will in Elf. Oh, okay. This is Will Ferrell talking to me as the Santa Claus in Elf. You're not Santa.

You're a fake. I'm a fake? Yeah. How'd you like to be dead? If you're Santa Claus, what song did I sing you on your birthday last year? Why? Why, happy birthday, of course. You're not Santa.

You're a fake. You smell like beef and cheese. And then he pulls my beard and goes, he's not Santa. He's not Santa. And then we fight each other. He's not saying that we fight each other. That scene was the most fun to shoot because me and him got to destroy the toy department of a store. And it was one take.

So we just got to, like, throw shit at each other. It was fantastic. Did you get to spend any time with Khan making that movie? Yeah, okay. Here's my James Khan story. Okay. Okay. At the premiere for Elf.

Because you're the world's biggest godfather. Yeah, absolutely. At the premiere for Elf, you're the world's biggest godfather at the premiere for Elf I'm talking to James Caan and James Caan first of all is the size of Herve Villachez he's movie stars I worked with Tom Cruise once in Funky Monkey he's like 4 foot 10

and it's weird so James Caan he's Sonny Corleone. Sure. You know, he came up to about my chin. And the last thing he says to me, I'm trying to make small talk with him the whole time. And I guess someone told him I was a comedian. This is the last thing he says to me. He goes, you're a comedian, right?

I go, yeah. He goes, what's the worst thing a broad could hear after she blows Willie Nelson? I'm like, what? He goes, I'm not Willie thing a broad could hear after she blows Willie Nelson? I'm like, what? He goes, I'm not Willie Nelson. I'll see you later. And I haven't talked to him since. What's the worst thing a broad could hear after she blows Willie Nelson? I'm not Willie Nelson.

And he walked away. He did not disappoint. But Sonny Corleone telling that joke is fantastic. Also, Scott Kahn told me the same joke. But Sonny Corleone telling that joke is fantastic. Also, Scott Kahn told me the same joke. I just remembered another part from Pope of Greenwich Village that I love. There's a lot of great ones. Oh, yeah.

You got to slap them around a little. I mean, not like somebody from the other side. But, you know, when they embarrass you, you know, you put your coat on, you don't say goodnight to no one. By the way, the they in that is women. Yeah. You know when they embarrass you. We got to get Eric Roberts on here. Oh, absolutely.

He's a great storyteller. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a great storyteller. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Julia's morphing into Eric. Maybe you can get her. Oh, my God. She's transgendering. See, you know, it's another movie of the many movies where people look way too good.

Yeah. And this was a Scorsese film. Yeah, it's a big problem. And that is... What, Shutter Island? No, no. In Gangs of New York. Oh, it's a big problem. And that is... What, Shutter Island? No, no. In Gangs of New York. Did anybody back then

look like Cameron Diaz? Or Leonardo DiCaprio? Yeah. Well, first of all, when Leonardo DiCaprio does an accent, I can't even look at the screen. I can't even...

She stole your timepiece. Top of the morning. He took me lucky charms. She stole me lucky charms. Magically delicious. Orange stars. Green clovers. Leonardo, the term

Lucky Jarvis is not in the script. I'm working on the accent. Or in Blood Diamond, his South African accent. Hello there. Hello there. Hello there, Mr. Diamond Seller.

My research tells me this is how you spoke. Well, this is the Fresh Air Cab Company. The Fresh Air Cab Company. I'm going to take these smuggled diamonds in a fresh air cab. Wow. But again, Scorsese, you know, I think couldn't get the movies made that he wanted to get made,

and DiCaprio did a smart thing. He wanted good reviews, you know, after being a recurring role on Growing Pains. And, you know, becomes this huge star, so Scorsese needed him to get the movies made. But, yeah, you know, I'm sure Scorsese would have rather had I don't really buy him as Howard Hughes either.

And Beatty had nursed that for years. He was trying to get a Howard Hughes project off the ground. Ned Beatty? He wound up late in life. He played him a couple years ago. Also, or J. Edgar Hoover. Another one. Oh, yes.

That was Eastwood. Yeah, Eastwood directed that. But again, if DiCaprio wants to do it, and even the makeup, the pig makeup I had on a man TV was better than the J. Edgar Hoover makeup. The makeup on, what's his name, Armand Hammer was the other guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The guy he fucks. That looked like Night of the Living Dead. No, I can't, again. Like, Brokeback Mountain, to me, should have a warning on it. You know, 30 minutes in, two guys fuck in a tent. I mean, it's just out of nowhere. Like, it starts out, like, that's a lawsuit. Like, you have a lawsuit.

It starts out like a regular Western. Like, they're lassoing shit. Yeah, it's out like that's a lawsuit. Like, you have a lawsuit. It starts out like a regular Western. Like, they're lassoing shit. Yeah, it's like high noon. Yeah, it's like high noon. It's like unforgiving. Like, they're lassoing bulls and shit. Yeah, they say, hey, this is John Wayne Robert Mitchum. This is a man's movie right here.

Right, and then out of nowhere, and then you're like 30 minutes in, you're like, where's the hot chick that they fuck? Like, there's always a hot chick they fuck. And where's Renee Zoeg? And then two hot chicks come in and they don't fuck them at all. They're never fucking them. And then one night, it's a little rainy out.

That's all it takes. that's all it takes that's all it takes but to me the crazy thing about that movie is and then all of a sudden like Jake Gyllenhaal goes in the tent and they just start

fucking like crazy Heath Ledger turns over Jake Gyllenhaal and starts fucking him but the crazy thing is what are the odds that the other cowboy would be gay

he doesn't even ask him he just starts fucking him The crazy thing is, what are the odds that the other cowboy would be gay? He doesn't even ask him. He just starts fucking him. What are the odds the other cowboy is also a homosexual? In 1961 Wyoming. Randy Quaid hires you. Yeah, the hairdresser's who is straight. Exactly.

Like, who in the fuck? It's like as if John Wayne and Robert Mitchum just started blowing each other. Get over here, pilgrim. Yeah. I mean, that's like a fucking... I was scarred for life after that. That's the genesis of this podcast, actually. A raining night in a tent. Yeah.

Right, Gil? It would be as if Aladdin and the parrot just started fucking. How would that sound, Gil? On the subject of the Godfather, you want to say anything

about Robert Evans passing away? Oh, wow. Well, there's going to be a lot more blow in the world. Robert Evans, every story. Oh, yeah. You ever notice that everybody who has a Rodney Dangerfield story,

it all somehow leads to them seeing his nuts? Oh, yeah. The open ropes. Every story's open ropes. Every fucking Robert Evans movie leads to him doing coke with someone. He supposedly had like a little vial of blow. Yeah. Much like Red Fox, I heard.

And just was this this huge coke but i mean listen made some of the best movies ever and he's got a great line about ali mcgraw she was dancing with me and thinking about steve mcqueen's cock that movie that kid stays in the picture doc it's so good you're talking about a guy who's obviously mentally ill but you know back in the 70s the great thing thing about, you know, Dennis Hopper, Nicholson, they were all these lunatic characters who got this amazing work done. Like the legacy in the 70s. Even the filmmakers. Even people like Rafelson and those guys.

Yeah, absolutely. See, that's the thing. In older Hollywood, there was no such a thing as a drug addict or an alcoholic right everybody was they all did their work right that's why i'm staying famous because no one's a big loser like in this world i'm an extraordinary loser like like like like extraordinary you go down to the comedy cellar now and every day, and if a fucking comedian in his 20s accidentally ingests gluten, they go to rehab.

Have a little gluten, asshole. So the fact that I'm this crazy, pig-nosed heroin cocaine addict who snorted glass salt and oxycodone with a hooker in St. Louis, Aziz Ansari doesn't have a story like that. And now another interlude. Frank's face is when me and you do the show together.

That's the show. That's the show. It's really a night off for me. He goes from some sort of weird, delightful look. Like, sometimes he's enjoying it. Like Jeffrey Epstein watching two cheerleaders do yoga. And then other times he's horrified. I'm trying to represent both sides of the audience.

No, you do a great job, Frank. I feel for you, bro. You're very sweet. I feel for you. What about, speaking of Jimmy Conn, what about the quote from Thief that's on your Twitter? Again, Thief is an underrated movie. Another great one. Michael Mann.

Michael Mann, yeah. His first film, Thief. So, all right. So James Conn walks into this guy's office and he's trying to get money back that the guy stole from. So the guy goes, Hey, who the fuck are you, Slick? What, somebody knows you? I don't know you. I don't know some clown named Gags. Get out of here. I am the last

guy in the world that you want to fuck with. Now you found my money on Gags. Now let us pretend that you do not know who this money belongs to. That's right. I don't know who you are for Christ's sake. In three hours,

I will call the set of meat at which time you will pay me my money. $185,000. And then he just looks at Dennis Farina. It was like a young guy. He goes, Hey, you, you goof.

Look at the wall. But Michael, Michael man, it's in, it's in his later work and in heat he has this thing like like the main characters are all these like these like marley like ambiguous guys like like like the guy like de niro in the movie heat they all have this cadence i think that's like a chicago thing they pronounce every word at which time you will pay me my money, $185. You do not know who this money belongs to. That's interesting. You think they're overacting, but it's something Michael Mann.

De Niro does the same thing in Heat. I love Michael Mann. Farina always spoke that way on screen. That's a Chicago thing. Really good stuff. Good movie thief. Yeah. Oh, so we're just recommending movies as we go.

But people can see these on your Twitter feed. And, yeah, it's like, and if I see you first, I'm going to have to take you down. Yeah, yeah, in heat. Oh, in heat. Oh, the one scene they have together. Pacino and De Niro. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They, again, and then they followed that up with Righteous Kill. Oh. They don't talk about that one. It's like Herve Villages on a lot of wine wrote an episode of Law and Order. I wrote a great cop movie. It's got a bacino and a rabo de negro. Hoorah! You saved the hoo-ah over from the scent,

hermenean scent of a woman. Got it. If hermenean villages were famous, Gilbert would be selling out arenas. Absolutely. I learned some Spanish buying cocaine in the Bronx. It's a fun way to learn another language, but it's a bit pricey.

All right, here's a wild card, Artie. What do you know about Mr. Belvedere sitting on his own balls? That's a great one. I was there. When he sat on his balls? I didn't see him. Sit on his balls. I was doing a guest spot on some TV show in some studio,

and there was an announcement. doing a guest spot on some TV show in some studio. Right. And there was an announcement. We were the first ones to know that Mr. Belvedere. Why did they announce it? Well, I don't think they formally announced it. Mr. Belvedere. I sat on his ball. Your attention, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, now sitting on his ball. Bob Shepard. Mr. Belvedere. While Mr. Belvedere was sitting on his porch, he said, Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. The Iron Horse. the iron horse imagine how big his fucking balls are he sat on his ball

well Bob Uecker that's why I bring it up because you heard it from your friend Bob Uecker my friend he wants to kill me I did a Bob Uecker impression on the Letterman show, and Uecker saw it after I met him playing golf with Norma.

He told us the Belvedere Ball story. Because Uecker is the single filthiest human being. I never met a guy. He's a guy you know from announcing the national pastime. And he just kept, we were golfing with him, and this couple was in front of us. They were golfing. Hey, he yelled at us, Hey, guys, you're so fucking slow golfing.

What the fuck? What is that, a gang fuck up there? We're watching him. Me and Norm are watching Bob Uecker do a game. We went to Phoenix to watch the preseason baseball. The Brewers against the Cubs. So, Euchre has this cough button, you know, and when he hits the button, you know, he's not on the mic.

So, he's doing the game, and in between announcing plays, he sees a hot chick and says a grotesque, like, filthy thing about her. And then goes right back to the plays, like, here's a ground ball, a shortstop, look at the tits on that fucking whore. Over to first base, two down. My God. So I cleaned that up a little bit. I see.

And I tell that story on Letterman. So Euchre had met me a couple of times, and he sees Norm, and he gets mad. He goes, hey, I saw your buddy Artie Klein on Letterman. He told me Artie Klein. Artie Klein. He goes, that Artie Klein on Letterman. He told me Artie Klein. He goes, that Artie Klein's a little short on material. Euchre was astonishingly funny without even knowing it. Okay, so Norm and I are in the booth at the game, and he sees John Fogerty, the guy from Creedence,

with his eight-year-old son who's a big Cub fan. So I guess Euch guys have no idea about like that music and that era but I guess Fogarty was introduced to him as a celebrity so he sees him

doing a commercial and he says hey there's that fucking asshole John Fogarty he goes he's with his fucking little kid

hey get him up here you guys like rock and roll right and we're like don't bother him I'll fucking get him up here he'll sing for you so he makes his assistant go and get John Fogy his eight-year-old kid he brings him up he goes

hey these want to hear you sing sing something and we go he doesn't want to hear us say he doesn't want to and he left he goes he goes i don't know what the his problem is the guy's a singer for a living he won't sing and he goes you guys know who he is, right? And me and Norm said, yeah, he's creating Clearwater Revival. And he goes, yeah, he sings all that shit. Gino's hero, Bob Uecker. He's going to be so crushed. He was more of a hero

of mine. I mean, he's just so fucking funny. What do you know about the Pat McCormick helicopter story? Pat McCormick, the writer for The Tonight Show? I don't know no what is that you gotta tell him oh well what this cock or something he does a windmill like jack jack warden we got we had some uh some celebrity scandals come on the show No celebrity

Go ahead, so what happened? Any Pat McCormick reference will get the young kids in Yeah How well do I Pat McCormick It's going back to Smokey and the Bandit We're working it in What is it? Oh no, well that back to Smokey the Bandit We're working it in What is it?

Oh no, well that's Smokey the Bandit 2 Pat McCormick's in that Yeah Him and Paul Paul Williams Paul Williams Paul Williams, right One day he find it

The rainbow connection The lover, the dreamer, and me. All of us on the return. We know that it couldn't be magic. All right, wait, wait. We have to do this. We have to call an agent at CAA in his early 30s and say, I got a tape of a comedian

I want you to hear. He does Herve Villachez as Paul Williams. And see how fast he fucking hangs the phone up. You want to pack him in at the Millennial Pussy Festival. Have you heard his John MacGyver?

Man, why did you speak on? At the Millennial Pussy Festival. Have you heard of John MacGyver? I've only just begun to live. What great impromptu. It's Gordon Lightfoot. All right, fuck the Pat McCormick story. What'd he do? He swung his cock like a helicopter? No, he used to. He wants shit in his bed.

Yeah. Dressed like a pig. And he was lying next to Paul Williams. Gilbert just did Herve Villachez as Paul Williams. I know. It's surreal. I mean, that is like... That was... I'm trying to think the last time that was relevant.

It was actually never relevant. The Mike Douglas show, 1976. The Mike Douglas show. The Douglas MacArthur show. The Woody Woodbury show. Woody Woodbury. Oh, he's around. That's something with your Arthur Godfrey.

How are you? How are you? How are you? I just wanted him to do that. I just wanted him to do that. Okay, listen, this is the meeting in the boardroom at CAA. We need a comic

who can do Herve Villachez as Paul Williams, and we need an Arthur Godfrey guy. Every big agency has an Arthur Godfrey guy. Every big agency has an Arthur Godfrey guy. He's WME's Arthur Godfrey guy. Arthur Godfrey's last grandkid died 40 years ago. Then I guess you're not going to appreciate my Hal Holbrook question. I work with Hal Holbrook.

I know, in The Bachelor. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. What was he like? Fantastic. Another great story. Okay. Ed Asner and Hal Holbrook and myself are in that movie, The Bachelor.

First of all, the movie, The Bachelor, I play Chris O'Donnell. Supposedly, I'm Chris O'Donnell's best friend since the second grade. It looks like we never met. There's no chemistry at all. It looks like I just put his cable in that morning and like he's trying to avoid me. It's the one based on the old Buster Keaton thing. It is, right.

So when you think, we think who this generation's Buster Keaton is. Chris O'Donnell's the first name. A lot of people call him Stoneface in the acting community. But, yeah, we need a Buster Keaton, a modern day Buster Keaton.

Chris O'Donnell. It's like a fucking reflex. Okay, so, so Ed Asner, me and Hal Holbrook, we shot in San Francisco for like a month and a half and I got to have lunch

with Ed Asner and Hal Holbrook the whole fucking time. Hal Holbrook says, and again, this is, he said this in front of Holbrook the whole fucking time. Al Holbrook says, and again, he said this in front of like everybody, the whole crew were about to shoot a scene and Brooke Shields was in the scene. She's standing there for this. And Hal Holbrook says,

I got a phone call and Ed Azar goes, we're about to fucking shoot Hal, who called you? He goes, oh, my wife Dixie's coming. And he goes, come on Hal, we all know you're a fucking fag screams that out I have no evidence of that that's what he screamed out okay great we will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this introducing TD insurance for business with customized coverage options for your business. Because at TD Insurance, we understand that your business is unique, so your business insurance should be too.

Whether you're a shop owner, a pet groomer, a contractor, or a consultant, you can get customized coverage for your business. Contact a licensed TD Insurance advisor to learn more. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc,

and baking soda. It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin-cond skin conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret

at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. Sweet story. Yeah. I have a lot of charming anecdotes about legendary Here's one. I got one about Mr. Rogers jer I have a lot of charming anecdotes about legendary. Here's one. I got one about Mr. Rogers jerking off a priest. Oh, my God.

I'm kidding. Well, speaking of your ex-co-stars, we lost Seymour Cassell since the last time you were with us. Absolutely. A guy who you worked with in Beer League who did everything. Yeah. Now, Seymour Cassell is one of the most fascinating sort of characters in the history of Hollywood. Two separate books, Ronnie Wood's book, The Guitars for the Rolling Stones. They come off the Tattoo You Tour in the early 80s.

They were on the road for two years. And supposedly Ronnie Wood and the sax player for the Stones, Bobby Keys, after that road trip, locked themselves in Ronnie Wood's bathroom and smoked cocaine for two years. Like, that's in his book. He couldn't get out of the bathroom. Seymour Cassell is always in these stories where there's drugs and shit. Supposedly Seymour lived up the hill from them

and would come down in these horror masks to like, you're all paranoid on coke and would just scare them. Like 15 years later, Slash's book from Guns N' Roses comes out. He comes off the Appetite for Destruction tour. He stays in a bathroom for two years and smokes coke.

The bathroom, though, was at Seymour's house. Wow. Seymour is always like... He's like the Zellig of these stories. He's like the Zellig of cocaine. But, so Seymour and I got along, obviously. But he was exactly the same.

He was so fucking funny in that what a career i mean he's you know yeah absolutely and he uh there's a scene where we're doing coke at at the bachelor party scene the movie goes he goes why don't we use real shit like you want to use real cocaine which i clearly would have done at the time uh he was he was a rock star type seymour i loved it you see him in all those cassavetes pictures. Mariah Carey was in The Bachelor. Yeah. She was in The Bachelor, yeah. She was 10 hours late.

She showed up like 10 hours late to the set and thought like that would be cool. Everybody's on overtime and, yeah, she was a bit of a nightmare. I met her briefly, but, yeah, I called her Pariah Carey. But I actually have. I've worked with a lot of a nightmare. I met her briefly, but yeah, I called her pariah Carrie. But I actually have. I've worked with a lot of, you know, way more successful people. Did you spend any time with Roger Moore when you were making Boat Trip? I met at his trailer.

At his trailer. Yeah, I met him, and he's exactly like, he's got all those James Bond manners. You think he could fuck your girlfriend in two seconds. Like, if you leave your girlfriend alone with Roger Moore, he's got all those James Bond manners. You think he could fuck your girlfriend in two seconds. Like if you leave your girlfriend alone with Roger Moore, he's fucking her. He's like

the A-Rod of has-been actors. But he just died too, right? Yeah, a little bit ago. Also, Max Wright died, a guy you worked with on the Norm show. Max Wright, again. These stories are crazy. Actually, when I tell these stories, I seem like a Boy Scout. Okay, Max Wright, great actor.

He did shit like the Ibsen Festival, like a classic actor. He's on this ABC sitcom. You know Max Wright? Yeah. You talked about him on the show for now. He was an out. Oh, okay. Okay.

Now, this guy. All that jazz. Right, exactly. This guy is like a classically trained Shakespearean actor, like Shakespeare in the park type shit. Like I said, Ipsen festivals and stuff. And he's doing these sitcoms to make money. The scripts for the norm show must've looked like someone wrote them in

crayon on a bathroom wall. And he was kind of depressed about that, but he needed the money. Real nice guy and great on the show. I do the show for two years and I start becoming a regular on the Howard Stern show. I find out that I'm going to do the Howard Stern Show because Jackie left. Okay.

Now, picture this. I just do a sitcom for two years with Max Wright. The day before, I'm about to sit in on the Howard Stern Show. There's a picture on the cover of the National Enquirer of Max. I'm not exaggerating. Smoking crack while he's jerking off some gay male hooker and making out with a black midget.

That's accurate. Okay, that's accurate. There's a picture of it. They blurred it out. The guy I did a sitcom with for two years, the day before I'm going to do the Howard Stern show, is on the cover of the National Enquirer. Before Howard said,

Artie Lang's here, Fred was still playing the opening music. Hey, do you work with that Max Wright guy? He's like, the first thing, what do I say? How do you defend that? There was a picture of him jerking off a male hooker, smoking crack,

and practically making out with a black midget who was also smoking crack. Gilbert, do you have anything to add to that? See? A black little bird. It was Beetlejuice. By the way, Beetlejuice on the Stern Show told me I was a mess. Oh, jeez. Wow.

Praise from Caesar. You want some questions from fans? Oh, jeez. Wow. Praise from Caesar. You want some questions from fans? Oh, absolutely. Greg Wilson. Hey, Artie, how much of your character and storyline in Crashing was true? You really came across as a generous guy in that series. Well, I play Artie Lang. Yeah.

Yeah. Well. Very funny on that show, by the way. Thank you. Very funny. Yeah. Yeah. Well. Very funny on that show, by the way. Thank you. Very funny. Yeah. I try to help people out, unlike Gilbert, with money sometimes. Gilbert was on Crashing.

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. As Gilbert Godfrey. Yes. Much like the Cosby show, the highest rated episode. The weird thing about Bill Cosby right now, he's got that crazy eye that looks the other way.

Yes. You know, this is actually medical fact. You know, you get that. When you're raping a girl, you got to keep one eye on the door. What do you look at? The pills? The girl? And it becomes permanent.

I've got one eye on the door. You know what Cosby said when the cops broke in? What? Oh! Why is the cow asleep? I read somewhere, I don't know if this is true, I read on the internet that one of the girls supposedly had an eight-year-old son who said something, like wanted to testify

against Bill Cosby. And I thought, God, kids do say the darndest things. Okay, here's another one. Sam Weisberg, were there any Chris Farley improvs that did not make the final cut of Dirty Work? Yeah, absolutely. Can you share one? Okay. He wanted to do this one line about his nose.

Well, his character gets his nose bit off by a Saigon whore. So we had all these jokes, like Asian jokes. He says, shut your cake hole, Yoko. And he added some other Asian jokes that we had to cut out but i i okay here's here's here's a chris farley story about dirty work in between dirty work and dying he hosted saturday night live and he was so out of control norm mcdonald called me up and said hey listen man uh you know farley's out of control with cocaine you got to help me watch him at the after listen, man, Farley's out of control with cocaine. You got to help me watch him

at the after party after the show. That's how out of control he was. He wanted me to watch him. Okay. My favorite year. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, okay.

So I go to the after party and Norm is talking to somebody and he goes, watch Farley, make sure nothing crazy happens. I see Chris go into a bathroom with Andy Dick. Oh Dick for five minutes. He comes out giggling. So Norm comes back and goes, what's up with Farley?

I go, bad news, dude. He goes, what? He goes, I just saw him go into a bathroom with Andy Dick. And I said to Norm, this is how fast Norm is. I said to Norm, there's only two reasons a man goes into a bathroom with Andy Dick. And I said, neither one of them is good. And without missing a beat, Norm goes, holy fuck, I hope he's high. Good news, he was high.

That's what Norm said. Speaking of dirty work, we lost the great Rickles since you were last on the show. Absolutely, Don Rickles. I mean, come on. Mr. Warmth. Again, who in the hell is going to get away? Barack Obama visited his house in Malibu, and when they asked how it went, he told the press he stole a broom.

Okay, I mean, right there, that just sums up. Nobody else. Yeah, I mean, who's doing that? Nobody. You had your own experience with it. Yeah, and Obama was so cool about it. He's like, yeah, it's Don Rickles. Grow up. But, yeah, again, it's the first scene I'm shooting in the first movie I get.

And Gilbert knows if you're going to get fired from a movie, it's in the first week. Because, you know, they realize you suck. But if you last longer than a week, you know, you'll probably get in there because now they got you suck. But if you last longer than a week, you'll probably get in there because now they got you on film. You got them by the balls. So I'm afraid I'm going to blow a take or whatever. So Don Rickles is the first guy up,

and they wrote him jokes, insult jokes for me and Norm, and he couldn't remember the line. So we just said, fuck it, it's Don Rickles. Just look at Norm and Artie and insult these two the line so we just said fuck it it's Don Rickles just look at Norm and Artie and insult these two he'll be able to do it so this is the first scene I'm in the first shot and it was all this money

going you know the film is going and I don't know what Rickles is going to say he comes up to me during a take and goes look at you look at you you baby gorilla then he looks at my stomach and goes, having a good time, ice cream? Dancing around? He goes, Baskin Robbins called me

and said that you ate them down to only five flavors. You fat fucking pig. So I laugh every time. I laughed 20 straight times. I said, I'm going to get fired. So finally I got the takedown. So he insults me then. The next take he had to go to Norm. So he goes to Norm

and he goes, how did you get a movie? And they go, cut. They go, Don, you can't insult Norm as Norm McDonald. He's got a character. Insulting him. Out of character. He's insulting the guy playing the guy. And then he goes, okay, I won't.

So, right, so Saget's directing it. Oh, by the way, so Bob Saget's directing it. Okay. Rickles at six o'clock in the morning has all that Don Rickles energy. Walks up to Saget and goes, Bob, congratulations. I told Marty Scorsese, Bob Saget's

directing a film. The man grabbed his chest. He goes, what are you doing? Do the video show. A cat fucked a dog? You got to check. I told Marty Scorsese, Marty Bob Saget's directing a film. The man grabbed his chest. Hilarious.

He was like the Don Rickles energy from, you know. I said to him, the publicity woman, and I don't know if this tape still exists for the movie. At the end of the shoot, Rickles, I said to Don, could you videotape a message for my mom? Her name is Judy. So he looks in the thing and he goes, Judy, I just work with your son. It must have been fun having him. He imitated my mother giving birth. It's like giving birth to a gorilla.

And then he goes, he's a great actor. I just saw him act. Good luck working construction. Nobody like him. No, no, no. Nobody like him. I remember I heard a story. Rickles was in a restaurant and Morgan Freeman walked past him and he said,

hey, hey, Morgan, you need it in the kitchen. I'm working on a character, Tracy Morgan Freeman. I'm God. I be God. Tracy Morgan Freeman. i begot jc morgan freeman uh yeah no well again you do you know the don rickles story about the first time he saw sinatra after sinatra's kid was kidnapped do you know that story oh no well i think we do okay dennis miller told me this on my old podcast so um sinatra's kid gets kidnapped he's 21 years old. And it was kind of known amongst the community he was trying to sing,

but he wasn't a great singer like his dad. So the kidnappers in the story, they had Sinatra's son in a trunk for three days. And the story was the kidnappers just let him out of the trunk on the side of a road. And that's how the FBI found him. They just let him out of the trunk for no reason.

So it was in the news. Why They just let him out of the trunk for no reason. So it was in the news. Why did they let him out of the trunk? So Rickles, after Sinatra takes a sabbatical, sees Sinatra in Vegas like a couple of weeks later and goes, Frank, I'm so sorry to hear about your son. How's everything? He goes, it's going to be okay. He goes, you see, I just saw on the news

they found out why they let him out of the car. And he said, why? He goes, because he started singing in the trunk. He goofed on how shitty his voice was. He just had his kid kidding. I mean, the only guy who could say that to Frank fucking Sinatra. Wow. That's a great story.

Wow. He started singing in the trunk. We have never heard that. Let him out. This is for both of you. Worst death scene. Buddy Hackett and Bud and Lou. Episode 302. I could add a third one. Buddy Hackett and Bud and Lou or Sofia Coppola in Godfather 3.

Oh my god. Wow. Okay. Again, Gilbert, you do Buddy Hackett dying at the end of that movie. Oh, yes. With the ice cream. You know everything. I had a lot of

strawberry maltes in my day. But this one's the best. Here's Sofia Coppola dying as Luke Costello. Daddy. Daddy, this is the best strawberry ice cream. Daddy. Daddy. First of all, how about in Godfather 3? Daddy?

Daddy? First of all, how about in Godfather 3, how about the way Al Pacino dies? That's how that saga fucking ends. He looks like Benny Hill. He does. He does. He should fall off a trike. I remember when I saw it.

When I saw it, I thought of Artie Johnson. Yeah, falling off the trike. Yeah. In the raincoat. The red-yellow raincoat. Or when Ruth Buzzy would hit him with that. It would have been better if Ruth Buzzy fucking hit him and he fell off the wheelchair. I mean, if you add the Benny Hill music to that, it's like an episode of Benny Hill.

He goes like this and he just falls over like a ventriloquist dummy. All it needed was a girl in a bra and daughters and a cop chasing her. Some sort of weird sexual deviancy. Yes. No, but I mean, that is like, that is true. We have to go through everything wrong with Godfather 2. And nominated for Best Picture. How did that happen? Well, Coppola, I think they came to Coppola originally after 2,

and this is when he had some integrity. He said the only, this is a Coppola quote, the only movie that would make sense is The Godfather Meets Abbot and Costello. Right, he did say that. That's fantastic, which would be fantastic. And we just did it. Was there a heart attack?

Clemenza, there was no heart attack. There was no heart attack. You're up here drinking champagne cocktail. Sunny. Sunny. Sunny. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, Clemenza. Ha, ha, ha. You're telling me Clemenza had a heart attack. Is that what you're telling me? You're telling me that Tattaglia's a pimp. You're telling me Tattag you is a pimp you're telling me to tell you is a pimp i'm telling you right now you never came over my mother's godfather your only child we should do a whole godfather three over. My mother's godfather, your only child.

We should do a whole Godfather 3 episode sometime. We really should. Godfather 4. Or a Funky Monkey 2 episode. Either one. Either one. Okay, we're going to make you do another one before we get you out of here. Christ.

This one, Gilbert might join in because he has a similar impression. The one I was really struck by on your Twitter page was your odd couple. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Okay, so I'll do Walter Matthau talking to Jack Lemon. Jack Lemon is Felix. Okay. For nine months, I left alone in this apartment.

All alone in eight big rooms. I was dejected, despondent, and disgusted. And then you moved in. My closest and most dearest friend. And after three weeks of close personal contact, I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Do me a favor, will you, Felix?

Move into the kitchen. Live with your pots, your pans, your ladles, your meat thermometers, and when you want to come out, just ring a bell, and I'll come running into the bedroom. I'm asking you nicely, Felix, as a friend. Stay out of my way. That's a goddamn good math. Or the Sunshine Boys when he goes,

Hello, who is it? Huh? Will you shut up? Will you keep quiet? Can't you see I'm talking? Don't you see me on the phone with a person? For God's sakes, can you act like a human being for five seconds? For five seconds, can you act like

a human being? Give him a little, Gil. Come on, man. Well, one of my favorite parts in The Odd Couple is when he wants to stop Jack Lemmon, when Jack Lemmon's suicidal. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's great.

And he goes, is this the 12th floor? And he goes, no, it's not the 12th floor. It's the 11th floor. You wouldn't get it. And then when he hates him for messing up with the pigeon sisters, he opens the window really loud

and goes, it's the 12th floor, Felix. Okay, first of all, that math now is unbelievable. One of the best jokes in the history of fucking movies is after Felix takes a whole bottle of pills

and they're trying to figure out, like, you know, Mathow keeps saying, what kind of pills did you take? He goes, what difference does it make? He took a whole bottle. Well, maybe they were vitamins. He could be the healthiest one in the room.

Will you take it easy? I like that one. And the FU. Notes on my pillow. We're all out of cornflakes, FU. Took me three hours to figure out FU meant Felix Hunger. How about Gilbert's Walter Mathow? Another relevant impression.

Yes, yes. Can you work on, can you? He's got a Herb Edelman that'll knock you out of that chair. How about Gilbert's Walter Matthau? Another relevant impression. Yes. Yes. Can you work on... Can you... He's got a Herb Edelman that'll knock you out of that chair. Can you work on Nicki Minaj?

Do you do Nicki Minaj? No, I do Herb Edelman. Every one of those fucking guys is hilarious in that movie. Oh, well, they're all good. The guy who plays Speed. Yeah, Larry Gelman.

Yeah, oh, my God. Yeah, all good. Yeah. I forget his name. And then there's a part where they're all leaving, and they go, you know, if you need anything, if Felix does anything, I'm on, like, 75th Street. I could be here in 10 minutes.

And the other one says, I'm on 80 Street. I could be here in 10 minutes. And the other one says, I'm on 80th. I could be here in a second. Call me anytime. And he goes, I'm gonna be at the Fountain Blue in Florida. And he goes, you'll be the first one I'll call. You'll be the first one I call, baby.

Hey, the pigeon sisters. I love when he goes, he forgets their name. He goes, this is, don't tell me, Robin? No, Cardinal? He goes, Cardinal? No, wrong both times. It's Pigeon. It's great.

They were hot. Same Pigeon Sisters as the show, by the way. Yes. We lost one last year. And when Jack Lemmon says to him, he says, don't you see, I can't go back to their apartment. I cried in front of them. And they loved it. I'm thinking of getting hysterical.

You can stay out here and finish the weather report. How'd you get the Pigeon Sisters, man? Yeah. have finished the weather report. How'd you get the Pigeon Sisters, man? How about Mike Tyson raising the Pigeon Sisters? Yeah, listen, I raise pigeons. The Pigeon Sisters. I like pigeons. I like the Pigeon Sisters.

I'm raising the Pigeon Sisters. Felix! Felix! It took me three hours to figure out FU, man. Felix Hunger. You white pussy. Oh, boy. Well.

This was a workout. Tell us about the new podcast. Now it's garbage. It's not spaghetti. It's linguine. Now it's garbage. I love throw the lousy cup. When you can't throw the cup.

Throw the lousy cup. Wait a minute, now I got to tell you when I'm going to be home late from a bar? Tell us about the podcast. The new podcast is called Artie Lang's Halfway House. It starts in a couple of weeks. And how long will that last? About halfway to the house. I'm on a two-year plan plan And there's a documentary of some kind

Happening I got a lot of footage Of my Back when I was fucked up I got footage of me on coke and heroin That is insane Like fucking Sundance Film Festival Type tragic shit

And then combined with My transformation into a much lesser scumbag film festival type tragic shit. Really? And then combined with my transformation into a much lesser scumbag. And my new stand-up. So I got all this footage and I'm going to turn it into a documentary. Fantastic. And my new stand-up,

I'm doing Richard Whitmark. That's fresh for you. He's doing a reading of the original Birth of a Nation Gilbert's doing live readings of silent films Guys, thank you so much I love you, I love Dara, I love Frank You're sweet Alright, take us out with one more

Robert Shaw in the sting. You're past posting, aren't you, Kelly? How? We usually require a tie at this table, Mr. Shaw. If you don't have one, we can get you one. Well, that'd be awful nice of you. Thanks a lot, Mr. Lonneman. Lonnigan, you're going to be remembering that, Mr. Shaw.

You're going to get yourself another game. He's good. He's good. Thanks, be remembering that, Mr. Shy. You're going to get yourself another game. He's good. He's good. Thanks, Betty. Thanks, guys. Love you. Love you. Субтитры создавал DimaTorzok Thank you. Субтитры создавал DimaTorzok