Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - Billy West Encore

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

GGACP celebrates the birthday of “Man of a Thousand Voices” Billy West (b. April 16) with this ENCORE presentation of Billy's first appearance back in 2014. In this episode, Billy West talks about his memorable work on “Ren & Stimpy,” Matt Groening’s “Futurama,” “Looney Tunes” cartoons and of course, “The Howard Stern Show,” where he won over listeners with his outrageous impressions of Larry Fine, Lucille Ball and Jackie Martling (among others). Also, the boys discuss Bud Abbott, Peter Lorre, Al “Grandpa” Lewis, and the racism of 60's-era Dick Tracy cartoons. PLUS: Jewish Frankenstein! Angry Munchkins! The true story of Dr. Zoidberg! Billy jams with The Beach Boys! And Gilbert sings the theme song from “Problem Child”! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You know, I first met Billy West when he was doing, when he was a regular guy on the Howard Stern Show, and I would visit the Howard Stern Show a lot and always have fun with him, and the Howard Stern Show a lot and always have fun with him. And both of us had that same love of old show business. Since the Howard Stern Show, Billy went on to be one of the biggest voiceover guys in the business, doing most of the voices on Ren and Stimpy and on Futurama, and he's done like Popeye and Elmer Fudd and Woody Woodpecker and Bugs Bunny and every other commercial you'll hear on the air, he's usually doing. And so me and my partner, Frank Santopadre, caught up with him in his hotel room, and we talked about everything, like Mel Blanc to Curly Joe Dorita's funeral. And it's like all of us have that love of the weird, old, obscure Hollywood that most people have forgotten. So here's our interview with Billy West.

Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and I'm here with my co-host, Frank Santopadre, and this is the Colossal Podcast. And today on the show, we have someone who Entertainment Weekly called the modern Mel Blanc. And I mean, it's like every other commercial you hear, you'll hear his voice and just about on Futurama, he was the voice of most of the characters on that show. And he's on everything. Ladies and gentlemen, Billy West. Hey, Bill. Hey. Hi, guys.

Hi, Gilly. Hi, Greg. Hi. I haven't seen you in a long time, Gilbert. What, you mean in show business? Well, I mean, I used to see you a lot when I was in New York, when the Stern show was going on. Yeah, when we both did Howard Stern. It's like we used to run into each other a lot.

We used to scream at the top of our lungs at the end of the show, like, well, that's it. Just over-modulating the microphone. It's like like let's rock this whole airwave we all missed the jackie puppet billy what's that we all missed the jackie puppet it was great but the guy that couldn't come we had to go get him. Great stuff. We had to go get him. Is this on?

I've got to laugh. Because if I don't laugh, I'll cry. Laugh, you bastards. What do you think I'm standing up here for? A lot of material. I love that guy. Gilbert, I loved all the stuff that you used to do on there. I never laughed so hard in my damn life when I used to come and see you do stand-up. Oh, thank you.

No, honestly, honest to God, there's nobody like you. And I'm friends with Penn Jillette, and we talk about you all the time. Wow. Yeah, he really loves you, and, you know, here we are. We were sitting out in Las Vegas.

I did his podcast. I don't know if you ever did. We're sitting out in Las Vegas. I did this podcast. I don't know if you ever did. Oh, a bunch of times. Oh, you did it a bunch of times. Okay, cool. Up there in the Slimer. Yeah, I feel like I'm on the radio. I'm trying to talk like a radio guy, and it's like somebody shoot me.

Throw me out a window. I know. Believe me. Believe me. I know the feel. It's much less professional than that, Bill. But I'm out in Hollywood, darling. And I got a great, one of the most Hollywood things that could happen to anybody happened to me out there.

The Munchkin. One of the Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz lived on my street. I think his last name was like Meinhard or something, and he had this jet black dyed mustache and a black cowboy hat. He looked like a little villain. And I didn't know how to say

hi to him, you know. I used to drive by and wave and he'd just look at me with that scowl on his face, you know. And this is one of the important midgets. So one day I drove by and I see him standing on his tiptoes trying to reach in his mailbox to get his mail. And I rolled down my window and I went, Put Brad back.

That's great. How would you like somebody to steal a mail out of me? foot grab back. Oh, that's right. That's great. How would you like somebody to steal a nail out of me? I remember... Oh, go ahead. What? I remember you telling me a story about your father. Now, you grew up where

again? Detroit, Michigan. Yes. And you were telling me a story about your father when you were a little boy and you were sitting on the TV and you were watching, I think, Lola Falana.

There's a name. There's a name. Lola Falana. I guarantee you he didn't like her. Let's start with that. You described him as kind of an Archie Bunker. Totally. You said that you made the mistake of saying to your father, she's pretty.

Oh. Do you remember? Oh. He was going to tie a rock to me and drown me in the Detroit River. Okay. Is it okay for us to talk about this? I don't know, but I have a different one about my other uncle. Well, I have an uncle that used to say the same stuff.

I was in junior high, and I had a crush on a black girl named Pat. Pat, I won't use her last name. And there was no way I could just come by, and I used to just look at her, and she was gorgeous. So I go home, and I'm at one of these little family outings, and my uncle comes over to me, my Uncle Dick, and he goes, so are you getting any L-O-V-E going on in your life? What's going on? Getting any nice girls?

going on in your life? What's going on? Got any nice girls? And I said, I don't, I don't, but I have, um, I have this mad crush on some, this beautiful girl in my class. I'm going crazy. I said, you know, she's just, she's got nice hair and she's got big, big eyes, brown eyes. And he, and I said, and she's black and he turned white as a sheet he just turned white he looked like he's gonna throw up in his pocket and he went right well you were what yes she's a black woman he goes listen let me tell I'll tell you a story. Look at your nature. Does a bee go out with a fly? It don't happen. You don't see it in your nature. You're a professor racist.

That's the story. I thought it was your father. But that's the story. I thought it was your father, but that's the story. But Bola Polana was one of the names from those collections of stories. Wow. He was an expert on evolution, your uncle. Yeah, really. Well, you know what? I went to religious school, and they told you to love everybody except when it came down to it.

You know, and there still would be, like, this discrimination. The church was weird. I used to go to parochial school. And when I was about 10, I was in the school, and the nuns taught the school. About 10, I was in the school, and the nuns taught the school. And they would, like, sell you chips before you went to class for the Maryknoll mission. And then when you opened it up to have some of them in the classroom, she'd snatch them out of your hand like a buzzard and seal them up again and then sell them again.

So they were not too cool. So I'm running around the hallways, and I see there's a lot of nice old oil paintings in this old church in Detroit. And I was interested in art and I was looking at it. And a nun comes up behind me and she says, what are you looking at? I said, I was just admiring, you know, this work and everything. Yeah, what's so good about it? I said, it's the creation. No kidding. You know, Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Tell me something I don't know. So I said, so in other words, like, God created man in his own image and likeness.

That's right. And he used 100 pounds of clay from the earth and formed Adam in his image and likeness and then breathed life into him. That's right. And then when he became human, suddenly out of clay, I know, this is insane that I'm even saying this,

but he turned into a man suddenly and God used a part of his rib to create Eve his wife, his woman, whatever and she was like she said, yeah, well, what's your point? and I said, why do they have belly buttons? and she flipped out

her head almost fell to the floor and it was still screaming at me from the floor. Why you, what? How dare you? How dare you? You know, but it was, it's a reasonable question. You know, every painting I've ever seen, they've got big, beautiful

innies. Yeah. Not even outies. But that's if you're taking science into it. Yeah, but, you know, there's always that inevitable clash somewhere along the line. Oh, I know what I wanted

to tell you. I was doing Futurama and you mentioned it, and you and I had pretty much always had in common old showbiz periphery. And I love that stuff. You know, give me a good Eugene Paulette any day for 15-foot-and-a-walking. You know? I need my coat. I got to get out of here.

Beat it, buddy. You know, and he, no one knows what he looked like. He was like this little short guy, but he was fat, and he was stuffed into a suit that was too small for him. He looked like 10 pounds of crap stuffed into a five-pound bag. A picture of Friar Tuck. Where's my taxi cab? That's how of Friar Tuck in the... Where's my taxi cab?

That's how I picture him, Bill, in the original Robin Hood. In the what? In the original Robin Hood. Eugene Paulette. Paulette? Yeah. Well, that way... Oh, he...

I didn't know he was in that. Yeah. Wow. Where have I been? Friar Tuck. I missed a movie that was Jean Paulette friendly. Where have I been? I missed a movie that was Jean Collette friendly.

And both of us see the Three Stooges as heroes. Yes. I stopped going to church the day I discovered the Three Stooges. Honestly. And I had a head full of it in Detroit. There used to be this morning guy. He was like a schmo on TV, and he was dressed up like a safari guide, and his name was Buonadon. Buonadon.

Yeah, and he had a chimp with him. I forget what the chimp's name was, but Buonadon used to show the stooges. So here I am watching stooges from the 40s and 50s and maybe some of the 30s, and I had a head full of this on my way to school. And I had no use for academics. I swear to God, all I ever thought of was how do they do what they do? And, you know, we didn't realize when we were watching them, we were learning comic timing of some sort. And, you know, and it served us well because you're learning how to act when you're, you know.

Meanwhile, it was like, can you help it? My mom would come in, she said, turn off those awful men. They're Jewish, you know. I don't know if you know this. Hey, Moe, you took my money, didn't you? Yeah. Finish him. He's come back to haunt us.

So, so... Hey, Moe, there's O.J. Simpson, and he's pointing at you. He's pointing at where I was. Let's get out of here. So, out of all the things this dude just did, like poke each other in the eyes and run a saw against each other's heads and crush skulls in a vice, what bothered her was they were Jews. What stuck with me, what I thought was the best? Yes.

Little things, strange things that you're not supposed to pay attention to like bad ADR because remember sometimes you'd hear a sound on the TV and it would be from the set and then somebody would have to dub in something like on the Munsters you know

Herman and Al Lewis get trapped in a bank vault I love that one and so I guess Al Lewis get trapped in a bank vault. I love that one. And so I guess Al Lewis wasn't loud enough, and so they dubbed him in, and his room tone was all different. It sounded like a closet that he recorded in, and it was too close. And it was like, look what you did, you big dummy. You locked us in the bank vault.

I don't know. You know. What I remember with the monsters that stood out with me was that one time the creature of the Black Lagoon is there. Oh, it was an uncle.

Yeah, and it's Uncle Gilbert. Uncle Gilbert. Really? I was, you know, they were looking to do something with that suit that had been hanging around because it was done by Universal and they were the monster people. They had the rights to Frankenstein and Dracula. So, of course, a Jewish Dracula is better than any Dracula in history. There was one, I think, Jewish Dracula.

What, the golem? No, that was the Jewish Frankenstein. That's right. That was the Jewish Frankenstein. Yes. Because a lot of when you look at a lot of the Frankenstein movies and compare it to the Golem, you see where Frankenstein came from. Oh, sure.

And there is a scene in the Golem where he's standing over a little kid. Yes. That's identical to Lon Chaney Jr. in Ghost of Frankenstein standing over Janet Ann Gallo, the little girl. Oh, who's still alive. Yes, who we've got to talk to. That's right. Do you know,

how do you know those names? I thought I was bad. I know. It's nothing I'm too proud of. Well, and Gallo was made out of clay just like Adam, so see, we should all be friends. You know, Al Lewis

did some of his best work in that Vault episode, Billy. Al Lewis did some of his best work in that Vault episode of the Munsters. He's brilliant at it. I remember with Al Lewis, Al Goldstein, Big Groove Magazine, right?

Yes, yes. He used to have these big brunches that I, of course, would always go for free food. Yes, I know. I was happy to take you anywhere. I just loved listening to you wrestling, and I used to... I would get inspired, to tell you the truth. And I was sitting next to Al Lewis, Grandpa Munster, and he used to dress in, like, western clothes. Oh, yeah, with the bolo tie.

Yes, yeah, and then the suede cowboy hat, the floppy hat. And he used to talk southern sometimes. It was weird. Oh, I know. I know, because I knew him, too, and I used to hang around with him, and he was talking about, and Jackie, on that show, Jackie. He says he's got that old corn-pone humor. Yeah, yeah. brunches and he's there with his smelly guitar and the smelly guitar smelly cigar yeah smelly guitar that would have made it worse interesting a singing grandpa smoking those little cigars they were dipped in wine oh yeah yeah more wine and more smoke i want to die. And long fingernails, long rotten fingernails.

And one time Al Goldstein is talking about a different magazine he's putting out. And he goes, so, you know, we're going to put out this magazine. And every month is going to be a celebrity interview. Like this month, we have Penn and Teller. And Grandpa Al Lewis turns to me and goes, and he takes his smelly cigar out and he goes,

Who? And I go, Penn and Teller. And he waves his hand in a disgusted way and goes, Piece of your shit. That's a beautiful story. Oh, I went to dinner with him and a bunch of other people. And, you know, I asked him stuff, the usual stuff like, Grandpa, you're 90 something.

What's the secret of life? If anybody knows it, you do. And he goes, you got to do what you love and love what you do. And I thought that was pretty nice, you know. And then there were a couple of old biddies in his restaurant one time, and they were trying to thank him for such a good time. And he had that place in the Lower East Side, West Side. Grandpa's Restaurant.

And there were a couple of biddies. They were like from the Midwest. Oh, we just enjoyed your meal so much. We've never had Italian food in our lives. And we just loved it. And he's going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're going to come back here and we're going to tell all our friends to come back to Grandpa's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he goes, good night now. And then they start out the door, and then one of them ramps up again and said, Do you have a menu from this place? Yeah, yeah, here's your menu. And they leave, and he looks at me, and he goes, drop dead. That was so him. Oh, and then there was this yuppie couple in there at the time.

This was a bunch of years ago, probably 18 years ago. And they had a little girl, and the dad says, honey, honey, go over and ask him where he lives. And so she comes over. She's all shy. She's adorable. And she goes, where do you live?

And he goes, 1313 Mockingbird Lane. And she screams and runs away from me. And he looks at me and he goes, women. That's great. You know, with the shrug and everything. What? the big bushy sideburns that he had and i remember he also great he was having a fight with some producer like late in life i mean the producer

didn't want him or whatever and and he tells him he goes you know macy's window, you know, Macy's window, in Macy's window about 50,000 people pass there an hour. And in that window you can kiss my ass. There was also a Munsters. Well, there was a thing, wasn't there? It was like Kiss My Ass in Macy's Window. Oh, yeah. What was it? Herald Square Store.

There was also a Munsters where it was like Herman Munster meets like the actual Frankenstein Munster., like, the actual Frankenstein monster. Really? Yeah. And it's like...

It's a TV movie? No, no. It's in the series. It's a Munster's episode. Yeah. I don't remember that. Yeah. And he's, like, in that, you know, fur vest from Son of Frankenstein.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what that was. I think Glenn Strange wore that when he played Frankenstein once. It was like a fleece or something. Yeah. I don't know what that was. I think Glenn Strange wore that when he played Frankenstein once. It was like a fleece or something. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know which movie it was, but, oh, man.

You know, the Al Lewis stuff, he had a heart of gold, though. He really did. Didn't he run for office at one point in New York? Who? I think he ran for mayor in New York City. He ran as a libertarian or something once. And Howard did that too. But Al

wanted to do everything. He discovered Lou Alcindor. Oh yeah, he was a big basketball guy. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. He discovered him. He was an NBA talent scout. Yep, yep. And he used to say to me, listen, there's nothing like a Nat Huyken script, I guarantee you.

There is never going to be another Al, what's his name? You know, Nat Huyken, Roadcar 54, and he'll go. And he was telling the truth, man. If you had a guy like that writing for you now, your head would explode. telling the truth, man. If you had a guy like that writing for you now, your head would explode. He would say, he'd say, you know, I never

looked back. I never went and saw the monsters or the movies or Car 54, nothing. I'm a progressive. And he was telling me, I asked him, I said, how is Fred Gwynn? Was he quiet? He goes, he was telling me, I asked him, I said, how was Fred Gwynn? Was he quiet?

He goes, he was silent, and the only person he liked was me, because I was like a father to him. He didn't have a mom and dad that were close to him. He was from Connecticut. So he said, and then I found out he's dying, and I call him up, and I said, you had to catch cancer? You couldn't have caught dandruff? He swear to God he said that to me, like,

they're trying to just cheer him up because they both knew, you know. And I also, I wanted to tell you something about that. You like, you love George Jessel, the postmaster general. Yes. Yes. And he was a marble mouth idiot. One barely funny.

One bright and shining light. That taught me wrong from right. I found in my mother's eyes. Those baby tales she told, those streets all paved with gold, I found in my mother's eyes. Thank you for that. I'm the only one in the world,

besides Frank, that is, I'm dancing on a tabletop, sitting up barking like Lassie over that one. You guys can... You know the definition? You know the definition of a smartass?

A fellow that can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is. Hello, Mama? Yes, it's your son, George. From the money each week? It's Yiddish humor. A lot of people don't even know what you're saying. George from the money each week it's get a humor a lot of people don't even know what you're saying but but George Jessel I fused him with Lou Jacoby to do

dr. Zoidberg on on Futurama yes see now I knew I knew Jessel was definitely there but I didn't oh so you put in Lou Jacoby yeah you, like Zoidberg. Oh, my God, you're right. Okay. Yeah, but the thing was, I remember Luja Colby was in the Diary of Anne Frank. Oh, wow.

And God forgive me for saying this, but when I saw the movie, a couple of my favorite comedic stars were in it. It was Ed Wynn as the father, and Lou Jacoby as Uncle Buddy. Wow! Yeah, and Buddy, you know, but I was like saying, these are the

funniest guys I know, and they're talking about dead serious stuff, like the Nazis and everything. So, Buddy, they were hiding in the attic, and Buddy was just grabbing, like, grain, stealing from the children, like, at night, so he could have more. He was kind of fat.

And then one day they caught him, and Ed Wynn goes, Here all along we thought it was the rats, and it was you, Buddy. And he just said, I stole from the children. I stole

from the children. I stole from the children. And I was laughing my ass off, and I said, I'm going to go to hell for this. This is horrible. But, you know, that's what happened with Zoidberg. I just thought it was perfect. He had all this cool meat hanging off his face.

I said, why not? Why not be a marble model? You know what that story reminds me of? A few years ago, there was a TV movie called Escape from Sobe Bor. And it was like the escape. The feel-good movie of that summer. Yes, yes. I had the lunchbox.

And it was the Sylvie Bore concentration camps and the big escape. And the guy, there's one guy who planned the escape, and it was played by Alan Arkin. And there were points in that where they're in a concentration camp and Alan Arkin will say stuff. And I was cracking up. Oh, no. And I remember like he says something like at one point, what are we all fighting? I know exactly what you're talking about. I wish I'd seen it, though, just for that.

Oh, my God. Alan Arkin. Now, oh, you know, we either, you could say we worked together or didn't work together, but I was a voice in one of the Ren and Stimpy episodes. Yes, you were. I wish I had been there that day. You played a character named Jerry, the belly button elf. That's right.

Go figure. Go figure. But he was this nice little elf that lived inside your belly button because they were contemplating their navels. So you were more than just this living speck of dust. All of a sudden, you turned into this monster that just came flying out of there and terrorizing people. He hated lint loaf. Yeah.

Oh, yes. Lint loaf. What I remember, too, is like the people, the producers told me they originally tried to get Jerry Lewis and he wouldn't do it. So I kept throwing in Jerry Lewis-isms into it. I loved it.

When he'd be screaming, I'd go, Gilbert, I met Jerry Lewis once when I was about 10. He was doing The Nutty Professor, and I lived in Detroit, so I walked about 5 or 10 miles to the theater in Royal Oak. It was called the Royal Theater. And back in those days, I don't know if anybody remembers, but a celebrity would show up at the theater to promote the movie, and he would do a little stage show.

And Jerry Lewis was the guy, and he did this great stage show and everything. So I have to leave, and I'm never going to see him again, and I know that I loved him. And then many years in the future, me and a couple of voice guys from Nickelodeon call up Jerry's manager. I think it was Joe Stabile or something. We said, listen, we're some voice guys from Nickelodeon. We wanted to know if we could see Jerry. He says, well, Jerry,

there's a lot of people who want to see him. He said, maybe next time. My buddy calls back and he says, we do a bunch of voices for Nickelodeon, and we know that he's got an eight-year-old daughter. Maybe we could just say hi or something backstage, and I'll call you right back. And he calls right back and he goes, Jerry, we'll see you after the show. And I couldn't believe it.

They say never meet one of your heroes because it could go terribly, terribly wrong. You know, but he had the little eight-year-old. And we went backstage, and there he was in like a, I don't know, like a windbreaker suit. You know, it was a decompression suit or something after he worked. And he comes out, and there's pictures of all his movies, you know it's a decompression suit or something after he works and he comes out and there's pictures of all his movies you know movie posters little girl has no idea who he is he's just monkey daddy you know so we started doing voices for but jerry came out and he goes where are my

nickelodeon guys and so i told him i said jerry i said jerry i know you hear this all the time but i'm i'm of age where you had a real impact on me and i used to go see movies like visit to a small planet my mind would be blown i'd go out and nobody else in the world cared about it except me maybe one other but it seems special so anyway i said I saw you at the Royal Oak Theater in Detroit, Michigan in 19... God, it had to be 62, 61. Doing a matinee promoting

the Nutty Professor. And he goes, boy, was I horring for that one. It's just business. But I, you know, I mean, I'm'm lucky i got to meet a bunch of my heroes we will return to gilbert godfrey's amazing colossal podcast but first a word from our sponsor um you know less paul was one of my heroes because I'm a musician, too, and Jeff Beck knew who I was. You played with Roy Orbison and Brian Wilson. Tell us a little bit about that, Bill.

Oh, that was, I played with Brian out in L.A. and actually New York when I was still on the Stern Show, and my buddy produced his first album. So they were going to play on David Letterman, and they came over and they grabbed me to play right and it was like so last minute when i get out there and i'm playing with them and brian when we were at that hotel before we went to the sullivan show he wore sunglasses and and i was standing behind him and i know that there's only one way to access this guy because

he truly is like an angelic human being you know he'll walk into a wall but he could write god only knows and and i sang the first opening bars to the four freshmen uh point sienna and he turns around and he's staring and he starts singing the traveling middle part that's in the original version like he just was thinking about it. And then he took off his sunglasses and he was saying, that was really good. The four freshmen, I love the four freshmen. You know, my dad took me to see them. And, you know, I loved it because he,

I guess he accepted me when he takes off his sunglasses. But we went on there and we played Do It Again. We played with his daughter, Wendy. went on there and we played do it again we played with uh his daughter wendy and um you know i played with the the house band paul shapley was playing and the world's most dangerous band back then the world's most dangerous band and uh somehow i wind up playing out there and i'm like i couldn't believe it it was like uh this is the guy that wrote the soundtrack to my teens and here I am playing with him it's like

it's like David Byrne I started smacking myself in the head and you may find yourself playing next to Brian Wilson and you may find yourself singing harmony and you may ask yourself

how the F did I get here it was just surreal. See, I never worked with Brian Wilson. I worked with the Beach Boys. Did you really? Yes. You never told me that.

Yeah. I don't know about this. I made a music video. They sang the theme song to Problem Child. Oh. I'll be damned. I didn'll be damned yes who wants to grow up who wants responsibility oh no not me that was oh wow so what'd you do now everybody says you're running wild the teacher's calling you a problem oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so i worked with the beach boys in this music video because i was in the movie too so they wanted me there and the child the problem child was there michael Oliver, and playing drums was John Stamos. I was just going to ask if it was the Stamos version of the Beach Boys.

Oh, wow. Yeah. So much I'm learning about you. No, I mean, at least we have that in common. I mean, I met Carl and I met Mike a long time ago, but Brian was the one I really was into. And was Brian with him at the time, or were they the Mike Love oldies? No, no. Yeah, it wasn't.

Brian wasn't there. Happy birthday, America. And who was the craziest one? Was that Mike Love? Dennis. Well, Dennis was the one. No, no, no. He was the crazy, crazy.

But the other one, there was another. Well, they were the one. No, no, no. He was the crazy, crazy. But the other one, there was another. Well, they were all nutty. Yeah. I think it was Mike Love, though. Well, he was nutty. He had his own flavor of nuttiness. You know, like at Howard Johnson, there's different flavors. It's crazy.

I think with Mike Love, he was over at some hangout, and Miles Davis was there. And Mike Love was going to get some more grass from some other guy. Miles Davis? That would be heroin, wouldn't it? Yeah, but this time he was getting some grass. Go get me some heroin. And so Miles Davis said to him, oh, get me some, too. And no, no, a guy, one of the friends said, go go.

Miles wants you to get him some, too. And he said, tell Miles Davis he ain't God and we ain't room service. Oh, wow. Wow. What a contempt for a jazz icon. Now, Frank and I were talking about and only

the three of us will be talking about this. And that's Curly Joe Dorito. Oh, no. I had the honor of being at his wake, Bill. Really?

That's a freaky story. Which is the funniest thing that Curly Joe has ever done. He was the only Italian stooge. I know. That's right. So it's fitting. So what happened? What did you do?

I was living in the Valley at the time, and Drew Friedman had introduced me to a friend, Mark Newgarden. We were friends from college, and Drew Friedman had introduced me to a friend, Mark Newgarden. We were friends from college, and Mark called me up and said, do you know that Joe Dorita's wake is happening in the Valley today, and we have to get over there immediately. Sounds like a song. Hey, buddy

boy, I'm being wake today. You're not going to hit me, are you, Mo? Hey, buddy boy. Buddy boy. I didn't know he did Joe, too. And, you know... It was poorly attended.

His... Well, how many people were there? There were about nine people there, including his gardeners, which I never forgot. Which I think nine people is amazing. For Curly Joe? That he actually had nine fans. Oh, I know. That is amazing for curly joe that he actually oh i know that is amazing i had the mask card which i kept for years and then i gave it as a gift to my friend tom leopold is a comedy writer

and a friend that gills in mind and he just treasures it now now what was it oh i heard that joe derrida is that his his relatives, his descendants are the ones who inherited the Three Stooges fortune. Really? Yeah. Which is the most... From the daughter, Joanie Moore? Yes, yes. The most underserving stooge of all time.

You're kidding me. How did that... I thought Donald Nugosi Jr. was representing them. No, he was a lawyer. I know. You have to know that. How the hell?

What kills me is how the hell do you go through life, especially as a lawyer with the name Bail Lugosi Jr.? Yeah, he's going to suck your blood. I mean, how appropriate. Your Honor, I bring up my next witness. That's crazy. I can't believe that happened.

I rest my case, Your Honor. But he inherited, he got all the money, his relatives. I didn't know that. I got to find out about this. You know, I had Mo's daughter and son in my house the other day. You did? Yes, like about, well, not the other day, like a month or two ago. And because they were doing a Stooges documentary, and I was going to talk about Moe and I was going to talk about Larry.

And who wants to show up is Moe's daughter and Moe's son, Paul and Joan. And they were sitting in my house and they, one of them said, you know, I might have been up here one time. You know, with the parents. My house is nuts. I remember, well, I think it's the guy who wrote the last Larry Fine book. Oh, the last. Of Fine Stooge. Fine Stooge. I don't know about that one.

I read Stroke of Luck. I heard the one Stroke of Luck. One of them, the first book. It was about my stroke. I had a stroke one day at the old actor's home. And I was playing shuffleboard. And it was Halloween. And I put a sign on me, whatever happened to Baby Jane?

That's uncanny. Drew has a script like that, Bill, in his first book. Well, he's the one that inspired me to just do mix and match with all of them. I did a radio bit once in Boston about Shemp voted the ugliest man in Hollywood in 1940. Meanwhile, at night, the Stooges roamed the streets

teaching his bizarre noises to hookers. How was that? Nah, sister, you ain't doing it right. The first time I became aware of you, Bill, was I was working at the Topps Trading Card Company with Drew and the aforementioned Mark Newgarden who took me to the Joe Dorito wake.

Oh, boy. I have more to say about that. Go ahead. Well, the first time I heard you was that Drew had a cassette tape in those days of you doing Larry Fine at Woodstock. Oh, yeah, that was the old Stern Show bit. Which we just loved. You know what?

They were almost like religious figures to me, like I told you earlier. It was like they pointed the way. There was no, like, thinking about going to a comedy club. Oh, I think I'll get lessons from this guy, and he'll teach me how to do stand-up or how to act. You know, there was none of that. How to do voices. You know, Mel Blanc is never going to break down in front of my house and come in and use the phone and in exchange teach me how to do, you know, Porky Pig. It just didn't happen. There was no signposting. I remember there used to be that great commercial for American Express. Do you know me?

A lot of people don't know me. But if they heard my voice... That's an awful asset, folks. You see? Oh, I gotta tell you something about Mel Blanc. And that's how I'll be at it, folks. You see? Oh, I've got to tell you something about Mel Blanc. One time, he was getting ready to retire, and he decided he was going to pass the business on to his son, Noel. Now, you know, they say the apple doesn't fall from the tree.

But this apple stopped in midair and did a cartoon u-turn to the next field oh geez and uh he came on with no on the joan london show like she was just she was unwatchable but anyway mel was on there and he goes you know a lot of people have asked me what i'm gonna do but what happens when i kick well i've heard every damn impression that I've, voices I've ever done, and they're all God awful. So my son, Noel, does my voices. And he goes, and John Lennon says, let's have a contest. And which is death, you know, when someone says, hey, Gilbert, we got a guy that does Jafar on here, and we were hoping you could come up with a little, you know, when someone says, hey, Gilbert, we got a guy that does Jafar on here.

And we were hoping you could come up with a little, you know, it's death. It's murder. You can feel the oxygen leave in the room. So so John Lennon says, let's try let's try this. How about America's favorite stuttering pig? You mean Porky? And you go, you know, that's all, folks. You know, and then Noel.

And he'd go, that's all, folks. And he'd go, see? He'd go, see? He was like the tape measure. You know, the dad is retiring. He wants to put the tape measure around his kid's neck and gives him the cleaners.

I always found that so sad that he wanted the son to take over the family business. I don't think the son wanted to do that. Oh, because you know, in one episode of Family Guys, they have like a fantasy sequence where Elmer Fudd catches Bugs Bunny and breaks his neck. And the blood's pouring out of his mouth and he's dragging him along. And at the end, I purposely looked out and it said Noah blank.

So they had him come in for that, which I thought was kind of nice. Yeah, they might have finessed it, you know. Maybe it was... And Mel didn't do Elmer Fudd. No, no, it was this guy... Because that was that weirdo, that Arthur Q. Bryan. Oh, yeah, Arthur Q. Bryan.

I talked to June Ferre once, and I said, what was that guy like, June? And he said, oh, he was very strange he loved little boys he liked he liked little boys and i was like oh no i don't want to hear this i blocked my ears and ran away i think because i do them in the geico commercial you know and it's like I don't want to know. This is too much damn information.

So, Bill, how did you get Larry Fine? How did you bring Larry Fine and Stimpy together? What was the genesis of that? Well, I thought, you know, everybody, it caused a stir in the southern states whenever you did that

damn voice, and I noticed that just about every guy in the world somehow genetically knew it or was familiar with it. So when I got to do this cartoon, I had to amp him up. You know, you couldn't have a cartoon character sound like a depressed old Jewish guy. I don't know why that is. I would do it. And so he had to be kind of chipper Larry, you know, higher pitched and everything. And that's how that happened. Any cartoon I've ever done, I've thrown in something from the Stooges, like some noise.

I'm waiting for Joe to read it, you know. You're not going to hit me, are you, Moe? Now, the story that I heard is, so the guy who wrote, I think it was Steve Cox, who wrote one of the books on the Stooges, when he was a little kid, he wrote a fan letter to Joe Bessa. And then he was sitting around with his family, watching TV a few months later, and the the phone rings and the mother answers and says, hey, Steve, there's a phone call for you.

And Joe Bessa was on the phone and he's really old and weak and he goes, I just want you to know how much you led him into me. to know how much you let him in to me. You're a very nice young man. And he's very excited. And he goes, oh, could you say one of the things that you say on TV? And he goes, I don't know what you mean. And he goes, yeah. And he says, please, please say one of the things you say on. And he goes, I can't make out what you, and he says, can you say, and he goes, not so loud. Oh, that's Joe Besser, right? That's great.

Yeah, we're talking, we get two Joes, I don't know how the Stooges were like, you know, whittled down to two Joes at one point, but not so hard. Yeah, you know what, he thought the two Joes at one point, but... Not so hard. Yeah. You know what? He thought he was a star.

He thought that he was... He should be bigger than the other two. Well, he was great as Stinky. And he's... Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. No, I said he was a great Stinky, Besser. Oh, yeah.

He was, but... But the thing was is he did that act, you know. His act was like a male version of Baby Schnucks on the radio. So he took that act and did it as, you know, Joe Besser. And I, you know, I didn't really go for him. But I think when they did the Three Stooges movie, I told the director, the Farrelly's, I said, you know, I met him after it was done, because I was a consultant on the movie, and I was, you know, teaching people how to be Larry, and I talked to, oh, God, Will.

Will Sasso. Will Sasso that did Curly, and he said, just tell me anything. Just tell me anything you know about him. And I said, well, you might have noticed that he would walk with a limp, and when he'd run away, when the other guy said, let's go, he would pivot around a corner, and he'd be limping on one leg. And he says, yeah, why is that? And I go, because when he was 13, he shot his own foot with a shotgun.

I had heard that. Yeah, he shot himself in the foot. I mean, that's you were ordained to be a stooge. You know? He was in a lot of pain all the time and he drank, you know, but

and he used to get drunk and he'd play at one of those clubs in Hollywood, you know, that's probably still there. Like, oh in Hollywood, you know, that's probably still there. Like, oh, I don't know, the Trascadero, whatever it's called. The Trascadero. Yeah. The Trascadero. And you could hear him like at midnight playing with the band and he'd be going, swing it!

And he'd be smashed. And he had a few strokes before the main. Yes, I know. That was so sad. That was really sad. You see certain segments, certain other shorts where you go, oh, God, he looks horrible there. He wasn't afraid to risk his life for being a stooge.

You know? I mean, that's commitment. He wasn't afraid to risk his life for being a stooge. You know? I mean, that's commitment. And now, also a guy who wound up really sadly with the stooges was Vernon Dent. Oh. He went blind. Oh, yeah, I know. Vernon Dent was the guy that would always, he had a mustache and he was always put out and pissed off and he would go where are those three new men

exactly he'd either be a cop or a gangster or a judge have you been to the Stu GM Bill the Stu GM is where in Philly yeah is it really because of Larry it's in rural Pennsylvania I know Drew wants to go

he's talking about doing a road trip to the Stoogeum all the time. Which sounds like a movie in itself. They have to honor... Who's the guy that did Joe McDowell? Oh. What was his name? He played George Jetson. I know who you mean.

Oh, God. I can't think of it. He was like a young... George O'Hanlon? George O'Hanlon. He was like a little firecracker. But he was doing those Joe McDokes. And he was from Philly.

And that was my key to figuring out George Jetson. Because all of us guys that do voices, you want to be able to replicate. Just so you can hear do voices, you want to be able to replicate, you know, just so you can hear it anytime you want. But my biggest thing was creating voices. But I noticed Larry Fine, Philly, and George O'Hanlon was from Philly, and they both had this, like, bad plumbing between their nose and their mouth.

You know, because Larry was like, you know, hey, Mo, you're putting too much sizzle in the mouth. You know, because Larry was like, you know, hey, Mo, you're putting too much sizzle in the tree. You know, and George Jetson had the same kind of thing. He would go, ah, come on, Janie, honey, the clean is 500 miles away. It would take an extra five minutes to get there.

Great. And I said, there's something in that water in Philly. Maybe it's the Huggies. I don't know. Can you imagine, Frank, that you're sitting here and you're listening to

two guys that care about old showbiz periphery almost more than what's going on in Afghanistan? I'm just as sad, Bill. You are? By far.

I didn't know that. I've told you to do a mean Lucille Ball. Is it later day Lucy? Yes. As a matter of fact, I just moved to New York, and I went on a Stern show. I was sitting in his office after he'd get off the show and he'd get his baked potato Stern oh I remember those days yeah potato and turkey yeah I'm waiting for my baked potato yeah he would wipe me and then he'd wrap the turkey breast around the baked

potato and he'd eat that and he used to yeah i mean it must have given him his magic powers for radio you know information it might have been that you know it's like uh well but but anyway i'm sitting in his office and uh i said hey howard you know they continually they continually showing the conveyor belt bonbon scene on TV and the grape stomping in Italy, episodes of Lucy. And I said, I think she's on her way out. And then I sat there and I said, you know, it's not the Lucy that we loved, you know, what she became. It was the Stone Pillow Lucy is what we got at the end.

Stone Pillow. I remember Stone Pillow. Yeah. And you were on the radio when they called me, and I was supposed to be in the Cedars-Sinai. I remember that. Yeah, and you said, Miss Ball, has anybody ever called you Miss Testicle?

Oh, stop it. You know, I heard that from Kenny Youngman 45 years ago. Oh, Gary, get my clutch purse. Remember that last series, Bill? Life with Lucy? Oh, that was a nightmare. It was, you know what? It was like looking at a burned victim.

I couldn't take my eyes off it. I know, it was a train wreck. You know, and I don't mean to, but I couldn't take my eyes off it. He's like, was she still with Mr. Mooney or had he changed his character name? I think so. I think Al Gordon was still hanging on. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Mr. Mooney, I'm going out on a date tonight,

and I need the money, Mr. Mooney. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Strap your seatbelt. But you were there. You were just dying laughing, and I wasn't even sure what I was saying because I hadn't played on the Stern Show officially,

and they play real rough in there. Oh, yeah. Well, they did. They did when I was first played on the Stern Show officially, and they play real rough in there. Oh, yeah. Well, they did. They did when I was first coming on. And it was like, so, Gilbert, we got Gilbert here. And Robin, we're going to call the seat of Sinai. We heard that Lucille Ball is on her way out, and maybe we can get to talk to her. Lucille Ball is on her way out, and maybe we can get to talk to her.

And all I kept saying after everything he asked me, why are you bothering me? Why? Why? Why? Here I am lying in stasis. You know, or just using phony medical terms or something, whatever I was doing. I got one foot in a banana peel and one in the twilight zone.

And here you are calling me. And he goes, I'll bet you, you know, who's in the other room? And I said, Dolores Hope. And he goes, wait a minute, she's gone. She ought to be riding by you any second. Oh, look, here's a card. It's from Henny Youngman. You know, people don't bother to do these type of things anymore.

Look at this one. It's from Tom Bosley. So we heard you, you, little Bob Mackie or something like that. Oh, he designs dresses. And the last time we saw you on TV was that one of the Bob Mackie. No, he designed that for Bernadette Peters.

He's a wonderful man. A wonderful man. I heard he isn't feeling too well these days for some reason. Where's Bill Frawley? Where's Bill Frawley? I have to go to the bathroom, and they didn't even hook me up to a catheter. They're all Haitians. Where are they from?

Haiti. You mean all the nursing people are from Haiti? Haiti. We had Dick Cavett on the show, Bill, and he claimed that Gail Gordon stole Frank Nelson's voice, that he stole his bit. Yes. Yes, he did.

And then, yeah, they all did that. Well, Gail Gordon, yeah, I mean, he wasn't the original neighbor on Dennis the Menace. You know, Dennis the Menace show had this guy Joe Kern from the radio. He would say, good grief. But then when they had Gail Gordon on as Mr. Wilson, he was doing like the Frank Nelson thing way back, and Frank Nelson was still alive. And I love the Benny stuff.

I love it so much when they had the TV show. Or the radio show was great, too. Hey, Mr. Benny. You know, that kind of stuff. Yeah. Mr. Benny! Oh, Rochester, where's my white jacket? I'm wearing it!

Oh, why don't you get the shrimp for my guest, you silly? And I used to love that stuff so much. And he would go, oh, Usher, can you tell us where our seats are? And he went, right behind you. Isn't everybody? See, that stuff don't fly anymore, but I will fall over if somebody just mentions that junk. We were born too late, Gilbert. I'm sure you've been told that.

Oh, my God, yes. We were born old. Yeah, I remember one time sitting with Penn, and he had some guests over, and he started to name every single reference I make of celebrities in my act. Wow. And each person at the table going, no, no. No. Oh, no.

Not even Norman Feltz? No. Oh, my God. And I realized that when I do a Christ joke, that Christ is my most contemporary reference. Oh, I used to joke about him, and you really polarize a room. You know, I said, you know, he was probably, you know, after the crucifixion, he was alive again. He got a makeover inside that tomb somehow. You know, he didn't have blood all over him and scratches and punctures. He was alive again. He got a makeover inside that tomb somehow.

You know, he didn't have blood all over him and scratches and punctures. You know, he came out white, all cleaned up. Cleaned up nice. And he was going around, you know, and I think he was putting his hand in soapy water and blowing bubbles through his hand. The miracles that he was performing on the roof. We'll be rebroadcasting this on the Catholic Channel. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this.

Man. Uncle Jesus. Okay. So I think... You're not done with me, are you? What if I want to stay? You can't go longer? Yeah. I don't know. Someone's telling me to wrap. I don't know why.

I would gladly go longer. Do you want to go longer, Frank? I would like to hear Bill do a couple more voices. Okay. Okay. Then we could always use this. And if we only even get another 10 minutes, we could mix it in with another 10 minutes. Yeah. Now, you also did.

I never get to talk to Gilbert. I haven't talked to you in probably 14 or 15 years. I remember also you did a thing. It was right after, allegedly, according to the papers, Don Knotts tried to kill himself. Oh, no. Did he really? Yes. And they were reporting it.

They read it on the Stern Show, and they called you as Don Knotts. They did? Yes. Oh my God. How come I don't remember that? I know what I would have said. No more Matlock means no more me.

But I don't know if I did that. I don't know if I did that. I just don't know. I never that. I just don't know. I never heard, like, when he was super old. I remember him on Matlock, and he was just, he's an old chestnut. You know, you could always count on him for a laugh. But, man, Don, you know, some things are sacred with me, Gilbert, you know.

Don't you know? I'll have you know. How about a little Jonathan Harris, Bill? Do you feel a little Jonathan Harris? Smith! Smith, what happened to all the water? Someone had to take

a dump in zero gravity here, didn't he? Didn't he? Oh, Mrs. Robinson, I was nearly bathing the boy. Ah! You know, he used to scream. Slap him.

Oh, my. And according to your Wikipedia page... Oh, wait, before... Wait a minute, I have a Wikipedia page. You do. Before we go on to that, my connection with Jonathan Harris is there was a short-lived

USA Network cartoon series, Problem Child. Oh, yes. And the father, you know, not the, you know, Big Big John, I guess they called him. Was this a cartoon, Gilbert? Yes. Okay. And Jonathan Harris was that character. He was doing cartoon voiceovers. Yes. And Jonathan Harris was that character. He was doing cartoon voiceovers.

Yes. Did you meet him and work with him? I worked with him a handful of times. And I remember saying to him, the Stern Show always wanted to have him on. I know. And he didn't want to

do it. No, he told me, he said, Billy boy. He said, I have everything to lose and nothing to gain. And you know what? He was right. I knew him before he passed. I had done a cartoon with him. And you know something? He was a beautiful guy.

He really was was i used to help him out to his car and said oh billy please help me today i can't get in my car and um and i was so interested in anything he had to say and uh i said do you remember the bill dana show of course i remember i played what did he play mr ph. Phillips, the, what, pompous, imperious floor walker. And Bill Dana was a bellboy. This was like early 60s. Wasn't Don Adams the hotel detective? House Detective Byron Gluck.

Ah, yes. He was a master of disguise. And Don Adams would be all dressed up in disguise and he'd come up to bill dane and he goes you know do you know who i am and he goes you don't know who you are but i asked jonathan i said gary crosby was on that show oh Oh, poor, dear, dear Gary. So much talent. He killed those boys, you know. Talking about Bing. Because one time the house was burning down,

and Bing sent Gary back into the house to get his pipe collection. Oh, my God. You've got to read about this stuff. I mean, it's true. I mean, Bing was talented and everything. Everybody loved him, but he was a hollow man. He was an alcoholic, and he was carved out in the middle. There was nothing there.

You know, a story I heard was one time someone was talking to Buddy Hackett at a party. As things like that used to happen at one time. Yes, yes! And they said to Buddy Hackett, they brought up the fact that Bing Crosby being a violent father, and he goes, you know why Bing Crosby

used to beat his kids? Because Bing Crosby couldn't get a hard on. Oh my God, that is so funny. You know, I was thinking it would be great nowadays. Everybody's a pundit.

Everybody's got a show every hour where they speculate on crap. And I'd love to hear the Buddy Hackett report. You just heard it, Buddy. What? That was it. And my all-time favorite death scene was in Bud and Lou, where Artie Johnson, as their longtime agent,

he shows up at the hospital after Buddy Hackett had another bad heart attack, and he's in the hospital bed weak. And he sneaks in with a strawberry malted, and Buddy Hackett takes Lou Costello takes a sip, and he goes, you know, I think I had a lot of strawberry maltes in my day, but this one's the best. And he falls over dead. Oh, my God. Do you remember that, Bill, with Harvey Korman as Bud Abbott? Yes, I do. I also know that bill with Harvey Korman as Bud Abbott? Yes, I do.

I also know that there was an Abbott and Costello cartoon. Yes, yes. And I guess there was a guy named Stu Irwin who could impersonate Lucas Tello. Right. And Bud Abbott played himself. Oh, yes. And he was left tempted to try to make a nickel or two. Oh, wow. And then one time he goes in to make a nickel or two. Oh, wow. And then one time, he goes in the National Enquirer

when it was purely black and white, and it was a real tabloid. They show a picture of him all gnarled up in a wheelchair looking at the camera with, like, his face looked like a post-human face with these little human eyes peeking out from behind it. And they said, you know, he said, if you cared anything about us or our movies, please send me a dollar.

Yes, I remember that. Pray to God that that just never happens to us. I know, I know. It's like... If you liked Stimpy, or if you liked him to hear him say, Oh, joy! You know, send me a buck. No, send me a buck. Send me a Bitcoin. I want a Bitcoin. And do you remember

in the Bud and Lou movie, it's like, you know, both were talented, Buddy Hackett and Harvey Corman, but it looked like neither one of them had ever heard an Abedin Costello routine. It did seem like that. It did seem like that. I mean, you know, to me, they were really important. The stuff you used to just take off, you would like jump in an outfit of Luke Costello and just zip it up and fly away with his nuances and everything. And they meeting Dracula because they really had a movie like that, I guess. Yeah.

So you're saying, you're saying the Frankenstein monster. That was so beautiful. You say the candle moved. What I remember... Get it right. Get it right. When he's doing that description, and he's describing how Frankenstein's

racing out of the crate, and Dracula's coming out of the coffin, and he's moving around. He's miming with his hands all up in the air and like, you know, like mimicking Frankenstein's moves and Dracula's. And Abbott, just out of nowhere,

and you know it's like an ad lib, he goes, okay, okay, put your hands down. Oh, man. Oh, man, you know what? That sounds like the way Teddy Healy used to treat the stooges. He was not with it. It was just like they'd be in the middle of something,

and some one of them said something was funny, and he goes, and Healy used to just, like it was a huge speed bump, he'd go, oh, you think that's funny, huh? Oh, you think it's funny? You think this is funny, Mabel? You know. And that's funny huh oh you think it's funny you think this is funny mabel you know and it's like oh shut up yeah ted healy was horrible but he was horrible as a great comedian i don't know i i don't know i always thought he was like one joke away from Palookaville, especially with no Stooges, you know? I swear.

Isn't it that, like, when the Stooges became the Stooges by themselves, that Mo was basically the Ted Healy? Yes, he assumed that. But he was so good at it, you know? He used to take the punches and the slaps from

Ted Healy, and the other two were tired of being hit. Oh, yeah, because they said Ted Healy never pulled his punches. Never. He would just whack them where they got dizzy. Yeah, and Curly would say, come on, man, what are you trying to do?

And Ted Healy said, you want them to hear it in the back row, don't you? Oh, jeez. Yeah, Teddy Healy, sadomasochist. And then what was the horror movie he was in? Was that Mad Love with Peter Lorre? Oh, Peter Lorre?

Yeah, where he plays a crazy, you know, comedy relief, wisecracking reporter. He might have been, it would have been perfect, though, because that's all he was suited for. And he's awful in it. Yeah, of course, he was always anemic, no matter what he did. Yes, yes, with the,

Peter Lorre comes in with like a head, like a neck brace, because it's supposed to be he died in a guillotine. Karl Freud, who directed The Mummy. Yes, yes. Oh, my God.

And he's wearing these metal hands because his hands have been chopped off. He thinks he murdered his father. He thinks he murdered his father. You know what made no sense with Mandeloff? No sense. Do you think anybody's still listening to this? I ran out of questions 20 minutes ago.

It's two guys on the phone, you know, and one guy's in Denver. Whoopie doo. They're talking about stuff that, you know, we like both of them, but it was, you know, we couldn't understand it. We're talking about stuff that if Moe Howard was still alive, he wouldn't know what that is. Yeah, I know. You know, you know Stan Freeberg?

Oh, yeah. Sure. I asked him one time, he did a Ren and Stetson night. Another ape name. I love this radio show. The modern references keep coming. I love the radio show when he had George Butler and June Correa and all that. And he did parodies of songs like a week after they came out, like Heartbreak Hotel.

He had a parody. But I met him one time on Ren and Stimpy and I said, how did you do all that stuff that you did? And I named off a bunch of things. And he goes, well, you know more about me than I do. Which is basically true at that point. You're boring the guy with

stuff he did, it's just he didn't remember it. And how did Peter Lorre find his way into Ren and Stimpy, Billy? Speaking of Peter Lorre. Well, because the original mashup was find his way into red and stimpy billy speaking of peter laurie well because the original uh the original mashup was he was uh he had sort of a peter laurie accent to make you think he was like slavic or something and then he had a south of the border accent you know chiming in and out because he was a chihuahua. He was an asthma hound chihuahua.

And then his lines came from, like, Kirk Douglas and Burl Ives. You know, we'd do stuff like, you know, actually I didn't do it for the season, but I remember hearing what they wanted me to do. He wanted me to do it, and we went to Nickelodeon, and I did a tape of both of them, and I sold the show. But he decided he was going to do Rent. I didn't give a fat frog's ass who did what. I was lucky to have a job.

I get immigrant mentality. You know, my uncles are up in heaven, like, you know, they're looking down and they go, you had a chance to work for 18 hours a day, and you didn't do it. You're a screw-up. Oh, my God. look at Dom and go, you had a chance to work for 18 hours a day and you didn't do it. You screw up. Oh, my God. I still, I have the same thought that goes through my head. Immigrant mentality.

Yes, yes. I know you do. Yeah, because I, sometimes I'll find myself like bitching about something, like some club I have to do or some voiceover and I'll go oh god I have to work for a whole hour and then I can just imagine what my mother and father telling them I'm making this amount of money but I have to work a full hour and I'm thinking what the hell would they be staring at me, the look on their face? Oh, my God, yeah. No, I mean, I used to feel like, you know, they were always there somehow,

because they were Irish guys. Who hated the Jews. They used to drink. They would never give up. They would never give up the ghost. And they would get drunk at the local bar, and then they'd go to work and sleep in the doorway so that they could wake up there

and be able to go to work rather than miss it. Come on, you stiffs. You want to go to work? Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up, you bums.

Come on. Get up. 23 Skidoo. I still have an immigrant mentality. I always think that I I'm at a gig, and if I don't do the right witty little genderless, clawing, annoying voice, that I'll go home and my house will be gone.

Absolutely. You know, people don't understand that, but we're not too far removed from that. It's like, I remember one time after an episode I did of Hollywood Squares, and it was running kind of slow that day because the camera or lights, whatever, it was screwed up. Yeah, it was a wig. Yeah, and I had a headache, and I was annoyed that it went so slow. And they had a driver who would drive me back to the hotel. And I was in a bad mood.

And he says, so how did your day go, sir? And I was about to say, oh, you know, like start bitching about it. And then all of a sudden a voice popped into my head and said, okay, look, you showed up in the daytime, had breakfast, did three jokes, broke for lunch, did another three jokes, and I'm being chauffeur driven back to the hotel. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Oh, honestly, God.

Yeah. You know, I mean, do you know some of the voice guys? I mean, they all know of you. Tom Kenny used to be a stand up comedian. Oh, yeah. SpongeBob. That guy has so much gratitude, and we sit down and we talk about it. How damn lucky

are we to have wound up to do this? I mean, you know, an actor, yeah, you take your chances. You know, 95% in a business of 95% unemployment, your job is looking for work. Oh, yeah.

And it's like, I thank God because there is opportunity. You know, that's all we do is make show business. I just tell kids, get into show business, whatever it takes, get in, because that's all we make. That's our factory. Everything else is gone. And they can learn animation on computers, and there's always a room for somebody.

And I was talking to Frank, because both of us were saying how, you know, like at any given time, you could like, at the next minute, you'll be working like crazy now, and the next minute, the phone stops ringing, and you're totally forgotten about. So you're afraid to turn down work. Oh, yes. I don't have a sense of entitlement, and I've always felt that way.

You know, it's like I never took it for granted. Honest to God, I never did. I didn't have a sense of entitlement. You know, I just was like one of these kids. It's like I just want to bring something to the industry when I decided that I wanted to do it. But I never was convinced you could make a lot of money or be famous. Nothing like that. Well, I always think like when I was a kid and my parents knew I was interested in like comedy and show business, what they must have thought.

Like that would be like saying oh i'm gonna be a really rich successful sword swatter the post office is hiring gilbert you want to know something what i you you hit the nail on the head uh my my mother. I had the same parents. I think I had the same parents. Yes, we had the same parents. I don't remember you around, but I think I had the same parents.

My mother had me go and take a test for the post office, which I failed. The civil service? Oh, my God. The civil service? I failed it. Oh, my God. It's a civil service. I failed it. Oh, my God. They've got serial killers in the post office, and I failed. That's how stupid I am.

Oh, my God. Didn't you know better that someday you could start a stamp business that had on each stamp one of the guys that went nuts? You know, the commemorative version. Going on stage and talking about Ted Bessel. Yes. Was your deliverance. And, and, and... Oh, Donald.

Now, I want to find out. I'm in the right place. That's why I don't want to leave. I don't want to face anybody after this. I know. I'm in the right place. That's why I don't want to leave. I don't want to face anybody after this. I know. I'm in the right place. I never met her, but I have a feeling that, and I never met her, never heard anything about her, but I have a feeling Marlo Thomas is the worst human being on the planet.

Oh, well, I break out laughing, but I know so little about Marlo Thomas is the worst human being on the planet. Oh, well, I break out laughing, but I know so little about Marlo Thomas. Yeah, I don't know. I know more about her dad. Like, I think, Phil, oh, well, is there anything about our dad we can say on the air? We don't have enough time. Yeah, he needed a prescription coffee table. When he got older. That's all I can say. Come on.

Please. This is supposed to be a fun show here. It's a family show. And I should preface, I know nothing about Marlo Thomas, so I don't. You were trying to shock me, huh? You were trying to be a shock jock. You're outrageous, Gilbert. I never heard anything bad.

Maybe it's always because she was trying to be so nice all the time on TV. Oh, I know what you mean, like Kathy Lee? Yes, yes. So those people you kind of suspect are killers. Well, it's overcompensating for something, let's put it that way, Kathy Lee. people you kind of suspect are killers in real life. Well, it's overcompensating for something, let's put it that way. Yes, yes. You're constantly being happy and then breaking down crying. That's called manic depression.

And everybody loves that. That's what gets ratings. We reward the mentally ill. Well, that's show business. Well, oh, that's... It is show business. Everybody's mentally ill. Well, that's show business, man. Well, oh, that's... It is show business. Everybody's mentally ill. There's something

that one of the things that attracted me about show business was that aside that an idiot like me could make a living, is that in real life, outside of show business,

like if you work in a grocery store and you're bad at tying your shoes or adding up your taxes, you're an idiot. That's right, I was. But if Johnny Depp doesn't know how to tie his shoelaces. I don't either. Yeah, he's a brilliant artist. He's so eccentric. Yeah, he likes that eccentric. Why go to France and hide all that wonderful eccentricity when you can parade it around out here?

No, you're hiding. We want to see this behavior. We must. Now, I remember getting back to the Stooges again. See, now I, like I grew up in Brooklyn. Yep. And so on the East Coast, we had Officer Joe Bolton. Joe Bolton.

Yes. Oh, yeah. Officer Joe. We had Major Mudd in Boston. Major Mudd. And don't forget Captain Jack McCarthy. Oh, yeah. We had Major Mud in Boston. Major Mud. And don't forget Captain Jack McCarthy. Oh, yes. He used to show the Popeye.

And he used to end each show with, well, time and tide wait for no man. Thank you, officer. Do you ever hear the empty can rattles the loudest? No, I haven't heard that one. Haven't killed. Haven't killed. Now, was there ever, also in the afternoon, sometimes I'd walk home from school for lunch. I used to go home, they gave you a lunch break back then.

Yes. And I would go home and like I would always, I'd like the cartoons more. Like I used to have the Dick Tracy cartoons. Oh, but looking back. Oh, they were horrible. Jiu Jitsu. And do you remember who

did the voice of Dick Tracy? I don't remember. Everett Sloan. Oh, wow. Oh, it was Everett Sloan? Because if you listen to him. That's right. I saw his name on the credits.

That's right. I just never knew what he did because I only knew him from Citizen Kane, you know. Charlie Kane was a weird guy. Mr. Kane. I'm chairman of the board. I have nothing but time. Oh, man. I did not know Everett Sloan was the voice of Dick Tracy.

Oh, and then at the end of Lady from Shanghai, he's the one walking around with a limp and a gun in the House of Mirrors, and he goes to rita hayworth are you pointing that gun at me lover good because i'm pointing this gun at you yeah go ahead no in in um in and when he's dick tracy when he's Dick Tracy, if you listen, you know, you could hear it now. You know, it's like, okay, Captain, I'll be on it right away. Well, he was playing sinister characters, even like on Johnny Quest. Oh, yes, yes.

Yeah, he didn't seem very formidable in the old days, like when he was in Citizen Kane. He just seemed like a kind of a happy-go-lucky, happy-to-do-my-job kind of guy. And then he became more and more sinister doing the cartoon stuff. Yeah, he was like, yeah, in Citizen Kane he was Bernstein. That's right, yeah, the accountant or something. And I, yes. What else would he be? And I think Orson Welles says at one point something like,

Oh, Mr. Bernstein's apt to visit the nursery every now and again. You know something? Citizen Kane was one of those movies that it's a great film and also fun. Most great films aren't fun. No. But they didn't get it at the time. What? You can't say that about The Seventh Seal.

No, no. Not fun at all. It's a homework assignment. Now, those Tracy episodes, weren't they pulled finally because of the racism? Oh, they had. For Joe, Joe, Joe. They had Go, Go, Go, Man. weren't they pulled finally because of the the racism oh they had they had uh right go go gomez yes yes and there was an irish it was paul freeze what's that it was paul freeze did the voices for those guys oh wow there was an irish cop named hippo yeah he would steal apples what was his name name? Hippo Calorie. Oh. Now, I think Paul Freese, a friend of mine said he was also very big in, like, he did some famous science fiction.

He did a lot of the trailers. Oh, yeah. He did a lot of them. He went, you know, what was it, The Hideous Sun Demon or something? Oh, my God, yes. And Monster on Campus, you know. By day, a professor. At night, you know, you just say, like, you know,

a regular Dr. Gico and Mr. Hyde. And I could see him riding home in his limousine that day heading across the sign that says Beverly Hills, and he goes, Gico? Ah, screw it. Gico. He didn't care. sign that says Beverly Hills and he goes Jekyll? Ah, screw it. Jekyll. He didn't care. He was a crime freak, Gilbert.

He was? He was a crime freak. He used to loan his big giant white Rolls Royce to the cops so they could hold more prisoners. Wow. He used to tag along with them. Imagine? Yeah.

Yeah. Now, I want to get back to one other thing. Yes, please. Before. The show must no longer wait. More Three Stooges must no longer wait. And I, of course, have to apologize because everyone who's listening now will go, Oh, wait a minute.

They were talking about Dwight Frye, and then they changed. Yes, yes. They're talking about Howard Johnson's in Times Square. Yes, they were talking about Jack Pierce's later years, and then all of a sudden they switched. Tell me some more about Noah Beery. No, not Noah Beery. Oh, my God.

Noah Blank. Noah Blank. Noah Blank? Noah Blank. No, that's his son, Mel Blank's son. Oh, he's a nice guy. What do you know about him? What?

What do you know about his son? I do know that his son lived out in the Palisades. That's where he grew up, you know, when Mel was residing. They lived in Playa del Rey, and then they moved to the Palisades. And Mel had a terrible accident on Sunset Boulevard. Yes, he almost died. There's a curb there that will throw you into the campus at UCLA. But anyway, the son, he just, you know, came onto his own.

He ran blank communications for a while. And then he, you know, he was just kind of taking it easy. I don't think he ever wanted that mantle of doing his dad's work. We talked about that. Yeah. So he became a helicopter pilot. And I guess one time he had, like, he had Kirk Douglas, who was the neighbor up there, for years. Wow.

Mel knew Kirk, and Jack Benny had Kirk on because he probably lived out there. But Kirk Douglas, you know what happened? The helicopter seized in midair and just kind of went flying downward, and for some reason, everybody lived. You know. But Noel Blank basically was happy. Yeah, he was, and you know where he lives? I guess Bear Lake.

I don't know. I've been there tonight. Noel Blank on the show. Who, what? You'd like to have him? Yeah. Well, because you know what it is he's a real gentleman and he has nothing but respect for the old days and he has a lot of stories though and i have heard him

being interviewed by a bare leg station when i was up there and i think and i think that station at that hour is getting like, you know, a hundred times the listeners that I'm getting. The volume, yeah. Because the guy who plows your walk is on the air. I think I've lost whatever listeners were here in the beginning. Oh, my God. I'm just loving this, you know? But I have to take a leak so bad I'm ready to hide it in the rug.

I'm ready to hide it in the rug and then pour Perrier over it. That might be the wrap-up for this show. I'd like to go longer, but Billy West has to take a leak. Yes, that's about it, you know? I mean, maybe all three of us, me, you, and Frank,

can all outdo each other with how long we can go without peeing in our pants. It's dangerously close to the telephone. It's crazy. It's like an ass meeting here. You're not allowed to take a pee. Those cult meetings. Oh, that's funny.

I'm Gilbert Gottfried. I'm here. Are you sure about that? No, I'm not. The name is obscure enough that it just fits in with all the others. I'm Gilbert Gottfried, and my co-host has been Frank Santopadre.

We had a question 30 minutes ago. And in the future, people in outer space are going to hear this transmission. And they're going to learn to speak English from Frank Santopadre. We learned your English from Frank Santopadre. How can you speak our language? We learned from Gilbert

Guthrie. Now do it as Paul Freed. Oh God, I don't know what to say. People of the planet Earth. This has been fun, Bill. I'm supposed to wrap up the show. What are you supposed to do? You're not supposed to do anything.

You don't have any protocol. Admit it. Admit it. So I'm being told to wrap up this show. Okay, I get it. I don't want to wrap it up. For real this time. I don't want to wrap it up.

Where are you? What are you, in New Jersey or New York? We're at Gilbert's Kitchen Table. Yeah, which I happen to know used to be down in the Lower East Side or something. Lower West Side? No, no. Help me out, will you? I'm dying out here.

It's cold out here along Gilbert. You ought to know that. Freezing. I'm giddy. I'm totally giddy. I'm gonna laugh. Did I mention I'm Gilbert Gottfried? I think you got better.

Yes. And this has been Thank Heaven. The Amazing Collateral Podcast.