Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast - CHRISTMAS 2019 with MARIO CANTONE

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

Actor-comedian Mario Cantone returns to help Gilbert and Frank usher in the holiday season with a spirited conversation about misleading movie titles, lecherous cartoon characters, politically correct Christmas carols, the genius of Paul Frees (and Frank Loesser) and the 80th anniversary of "The Wizard of Oz." Also: Jack Cassidy teams with Jim Backus, Judy Garland locks horns with Busby Berkeley, Ricardo Montalban serenades Esther Williams and Gilbert gets accosted by Snow White. PLUS: Jan-Michael Vincent! The musical stylings of Lucille Ball! "Christmas on the Ponderosa"! Tony Curtis tells off Danny Kaye! And "Frosty the Snowman" turns 50! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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conditioning oils so whether you're going for a run or just running late do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't find secret at your nearest walmart or shoppers drug mart today Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried and this is Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast, presented by Starburns Audio, the home of the creator-driven comedy podcasts. And our guest is making yet another triumphant return for our annual Christmas episode because after six years of doing this show, he's become as much of a holiday tradition as Yule Logs. Figgy Pudding and your drunk uncle screaming about socialism. Okay, you said eulogues, which represents something phallic, which represents dick to me. So that's offensive. And then you said figgy pudding. Take the I out and put an A

and it's faggy pudding. I'm so fucking offended already, Gilbert. Okay. It's the tradition of dicks and faggy pudding. That's right. I love that. Very nice.

And Chick-fil-A for everybody. Homo-hating motherfuckers. Someone brought Chick-fil-A for Mario. Someone brought Chick-fil-A. I never tried it, and I actually had a piece. And they're square. They're cubes of chicken. I'm like, where are the fucking bases?

They're cubes. I'm like, well, can you play craps with them? I cannot. They're cubes of chicken. I'm like, where are the fucking bases? They're cubes. I'm like, well, can you play craps with them? I cannot believe they're cubes of chicken. Thank you, Dave Simon, for the Chick-fil-A. Yeah, get it out of here. Throw water on it. Step on it. Shit on it. Do something with it. He's an actor, singer, writer. You're gonna continue? You're gonna continue?

Go ahead. I'm an actor, singer, writer. A fag. A fag. A fag. A comic. A comic. Yeah. Keep it up, G-Boy.

Come on, keep it up. We called you J-Boy. What the fuck was that? Because I was afraid to say the real word. Jew boy, keep it up. Come on, my little Jewish elf. Is that when you're having sex with a Jew? Yes, I go, yeah, take it, Jew boy!

Keep it up, Jew! That's right. Or take it, Jew boy. Oh, yeah. Some of the most beautiful men I've ever seen are young Jewish boys. All right, go ahead. It's a traditional Christmas episode. What famous Jew celebrities would you like to have sex with?

Well, Tony Curtis in his day was quite handsome. I thought he was pretty hot. Yeah, even you could go for that. I mean, so many of them were in the closet as far as being Jewish. You didn't know. They didn't like, you know. Kirk Douglas. Kirk Douglas was really hot.

Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his son, Michael. Yes. Anybody else? Benjamin Disraeli? Who the fuck is he? Now, I think the guy that played Christ was Jewish.

What was his name? Ted Neely? What? Vonsito? No, in one movie. Way back. Way back. Jeffrey Hunter?

Jeffrey Hunter, I think, was Jewish. Paul Newman was fucking gorgeous. Oh, yeah. Beautiful. Paul Newman. How about, there you go. Oh, yeah. He was the one. David Cotto. Actually, come to think of it, Paul Newman, Jewish. Paul Newman. How about, there you go. Oh, yeah. He was the one.

David Cotto. Actually, come to think of it, there's only a few of you at this point. So, you know, I was wrong. You want to try to get through that intro? What about Zac Efron of current Jews? He's very handsome. He's a gorgeous boy. Yeah.

He's a beautiful boy. Yeah, absolutely. What about Martin Balsam? Yeah, he's hot. Norman Feld. Let me hold on to the comb over while he fucks me. What? Norman Feld.

Lord, perfect. Oh, absolutely. Let me hold on to the comb over while I blow him. Yeah. You want to get through this? I'll keep going. Sorry. Let him at least read the intro. I'll keep going, sorry. Let him at least read the intro.

I'm sorry. Go ahead. Oh, Lauren Tarvey. Oh, the Manchurian candidate. Yeah, he was okay. Yeah, okay. Oh, that one you didn't like so much. He's all right now.

This is exactly what happened last year. I'm sorry I disappointed you, okay? When Richard Kind couldn't get on the plane. That's exactly what happened. Cary Grant, I heard, was a Jew. Well, was he? Because he was phenomenal. I was just watching a picture. Well, was he? Because he was phenomenal. I was just watching a picture of his yesterday.

It was the bishop's wife. Oh, yes. Lydia. You know, she had a child. No, she had a child with Gary Cooper. Loretta Young? Yeah. And she put it up for adoption, and then she adopted it.

Oh. You know that story? There's a book about it. Oh, that's scary. That the daughter wrote. All right, keep going. Hurry up. Beautiful Christmas story.

This is exhausting. He's an actor, singer, writer, amateur film and theater historian, and one of the funniest and most beloved stand-up comedians in the business. Well, that's debatable. You know his goyishabudum. Can you call an Italian goyishab? You're a little too, like, you know, earthy and epic. But go ahead.

From dozens of TV shows, including Sex and the City. Oh, yeah. Men in Trees. Oh, my God. The President Show. Uh-huh. Chappelle Show. Of course. Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Oh, yeah. Men in Trees. Oh, my God. The President Show. Uh-huh. Chappelle Show. Of course. Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Oh, that was 90 years

ago. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. That was 90 years ago. And Mom. Oh, yes, I just did Mom, and I'll be on the new season of Better Things with Pam Adlon. Oh, Better Things. Very good. Very excited about that. Yes. To name a few. Uh-huh. He's also starred on stage in Broadway and off-Broadway productions,

such as Stephen Sondheim's Assassins. Yeah, he wrote it. It's Stephen Sondheim's Assassins. Yes. Stephen Sondheim's Assassins. Much better reading. Use that take, please. Love, valor, compassion.

Love, valor. There's no valor. Love, valor. Yeah, it took place in the 70s. Do you know one time I was doing something, a voiceover for Saturday Night Live. And for mine, when they were introducing my character, they originally introduced it as Nathan Lane. And I said, oh, so he wouldn't do it? And they said he wouldn't do it because Jason Alexander was going to be—he hates Jason Alexander. Jason Alexander played—actually did the role in the movie.

I replaced Nathan Lane as Buzz in the Tony Award winning Love, Valor, Compassion. Love, Valor, Compassion? Written by Terrence McNally. But do you know the reason he hates Jason Alexander? Because he ended up playing him in the movie because Nathan couldn't do it.

Well, Jason Alexander said that he was the only straight guy to ever have been in that. Well, you know what? He did say that in the press, and that was kind of stupid on his part. You don't... Why? And I understand why Nathan was upset about it. I think we were all upset about it. I was upset

I didn't get to do the fucking movie. But unfortunately, I was 36 at the time, and I looked like I was 24. So I looked... John Glover, who was playing my lover, looked like my grandfather. So it didn't work out. Yeah, Gil. But go ahead. I like it better as love out. Yeah, Gil. But go ahead.

I like it better as love velour compassion. I know, that's a lot. Love velour. Story of Mr. Blackwell. Love valium compulsion. Go ahead. To name a few. Oh, God.

He's also, oh, no, no, I said that already. Yeah, you did. Keep going. And the Tempest, the Violet Hour. Fuck the Tempest. Yes. The Violet Hour was a big bomb. Yeah. Where did you get these credits? He was, the Violet Hour. Fuck the Tempest! Yes. The Violet Hour was a big bomb! Yeah.

Where did you get these credits? He was in the Violet Hour. I did. It was written for me and it was a bomb. It was the Violet Hour with Mario Cantone. Yes, it was. We have special guests. Mario Cantone from the Violet Hour.

Okay, great. That's the big credit. What's the last one? What's the last one? on the Violet Hour. Okay, great. That's the big credit. Read the last one. And on your tombstone, you want to say, as seen in the Violet Hour. Yes, by Ronco.

Read the last line. Okay, it's not the last line. Oh, Jesus Christ. And it's Tony nominated one-man show, Laugh Whore. Now that's a good credit. That was great. Saw it twice. Also, The Violet Hour. We'll make

the introduction even longer, but he's impatient. And we have a lot to... Please welcome our very own Cricket of the Hearth. Oh. and the man who couldn't be more wrong on the subject of

Mr. Magoo's Christmas. Fuck you! Fuck you, you Razzleberry cock shit! Fucking Razzleberry pussy! Why don't you go lick some Razzleberry pussy! If I could find it, I would. Yes, you would.

Yes. It comes in a can. Can I have a Christmas tree with raspberry dressing? Just, okay, shut up. Just carry on. That's not from Mr. McGraw. Oh, that's not. Back, back, back, back on Broadway.

I'm like, who wrote that melodic tune? Julie Stein? That's appalling. Millions of feet alone in the world make such a lonely sound. Can you finish the intro, please? All right, I'm here. Mario Cantone's here.

Yay! Okay. The one, the only, unmistakable, and quite possibly a fag. Oh, Harry, I just had a litter of puppies. Welcome back, Mary. Thank you. Mary O'Kent. Oh, thank you.

Who you might remember from the Violet Hour. That's right. If I have stories about that show, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. You have no idea. Also, our friend Seth Saltzman is in the house. Seth is here. Thank you. Good to be here. The music man, Seth.

Thank you, Mario. A company extraordinaire. See, now he's a Jew. I know, yeah. Well, it's two Italians and two Jews. That's it. But don't forget, we've got the mafia behind us and Martin Scorsese's The Irishman. That's very good.

Have you seen? What did you think? What's the verdict? Well, I thought it was magnificent. I don't think it's his The Irishman. That's very good. Have you seen? What did you think? What's the verdict? Well, I thought it was magnificent. I don't think it's his best movie, but it's pretty magnificent. It's long and I think Pesci's fantastic.

His aging thing at the end is brilliant. I thought that Pacino was wonderful, but it is Robert De Niro's movie. It absolutely is. No question. Playing an Irishman.

He's magnificent. I know. You gotta kind of... He played an Irishman in Goodfellas. He is part Irish, isn't he? Come on. With that schnoz, he's Italian. Jimmy Conway, right? In Goodfellas was an Irishman.

He was? Yeah, supposedly. Jimmy the Gent. Oh, yeah. That's true. Gil, have you seen it yet? Irishman? I started watching it. And then you fell asleep because you're 90. Yeah. Did you start watching on Netflix? Yeah.

Yeah, I went to the Belasco and saw it on the big screen. That's the way you got to do it. I knew I wouldn't make it through three and a half hours on my couch. I just can't do it. Yeah. No, I can't. It's too long. I just got Disney Plus.

I'm just doing everything. How do you like that? I like it. Well, you know, there's a few things missing. Yeah, 1967's The Happiest Millionaire with Fred McMurray is missing. John Davidson. Who was in that chair?

It's one of my favorite movies. It was a big bomb. Like The Violet Hour, but I absolutely loved it. And the pastiche films are there, which is Fantasia, Melody Time, Saludos Amigos, Three Caballeros. Those are music kind of segments. But the one that's missing, and Fun and Fancy Free, the one that's missing is Make My Music.

Where's that? And the one and only original family band is missing, too. Also with John Davidson and Leslie Ann Warren. And the Happiest Millionaire. And Walter Brennan. Both Sherman Brothers. And No Song of the South. No Song of the South.

Right, right, right. But they should just put it on. Just do everything. I mean, what's the problem? You know? What are you playing? I can't even. Is that Zippy Doo-Dah?

All right. That's it. I don't want to get in trouble. It's Zippity-Doo-Shbag, Zippity-Yay. Do you know John? Oh, my, what a wonderful day. Do you know John? John Davidson? Lovely guy. No, but I'd love to meet John Davidson. Oh, what a wonderful day. Do you know John? John Davidson?

Lovely guy. No, but I'd love to meet John Davidson. Oh, we'll introduce you to him. He's lovely. He was on the show. We were at him for the longest time. He was scared to do the show. The best guy.

But then he loved it. Oh, he has a great sense of humor, you can tell. I'm a Facebook friend of his, but I don't know him. He's the best. Oh, I could go through his canon. I just saw him in a movie, Airport 79, The Conqueror. Oh, yes. Where he almost gets out of the hot tub naked, and you almost see his little tushy, but you don't.

We brought that up, and he flinched. I'm sure he did. That airport movie. Speaking of movies. What? A certain movie turned 80 this year. What? The Wizard of Oz.

Oh. A movie you may know something about. I do know about that movie. I know that, first of all, well, what do we know about it? It's been, the joy of The Wizard of Oz as a child was it was on every year. And you waited for it. Now you can fucking see it anytime you want. So kind of like, eh.

Do you know it's the most watched movie of all time? It was, well, it's on all the time too. It was on TBS, like in a, in a row was on, it was on TCM. It's a very good movie.

I mean, it's a beautiful movie and she's quite good in it, Miss Garland. And Ray Bolger, I love in that, but not in too many

other things. Now, now you were just playing somewhere. Could you sing it? But as the old, old Judy Garland, I'm going to do that at the end of the show, so I don't want to give it away, Gilbert!

Learn the structure of your fucking show! Do you remember the first time you saw it? I do, and I remember what happened the first time I saw it. You seen it in the theater? No, no, no. I'm not that fucking old friend. I meant like a reissue. A re-release. I probably did see it in the theater one time, but I think the first time I saw it was on TV. Alive in 39.

And I remember this. I remember as soon as the lions and tigers and bears, and they were going through that forest, before the lion even showed up, I was like, I'm out of here. This is scaring the shit out of me. I had to leave. But when I did The Wizard of Oz in my garage and directed the children, and I cracked the whip, I was like, do as you're told!

Like a nine-year-old Victor Fleming. Everybody thought that I would want to play Dorothy because I was the little gay boy that wanted to be Dorothy. Uh-uh. Even gayer. I wanted to be the witch, and I was. All the time. I was Margaret Hamilton. Can we hear some of you Margaret Hamilton?

Oh, sure. That's putting you on the spot. I was Margaret Hamilton. Can we hear some of you Margaret Hamilton? Oh, sure. That's putting you on the spot. Maxwell House Coffee. Give me those shoes. And your little dog, too. All right, you're killing my voice. I have to sing at the end of the show. And she popped up on Mr. Rogers' name.

Oh, yes. Yes, she did. Yes. And you know that makeup tinted her green, first of all. It tinted her green, took her forever, and she got burnt. You know, she got burnt. And the elevator shaft. Yeah, and the elevator shaft.

When the flames came up, it burned her. And the makeup almost killed what's-his-name. Buddy Epson. Buddy Epson. He couldn't do it. They got Jack Haley. What else did Jack Haley ever do? I can't.

Higher and higher. Frank Sinatra, 1943. Seth, you're good. It's a movie. Seth, you're unbelievable. Good in that. I don't think I've ever seen, what have I seen Ray Bolger in? He was Shirley Jones' father on The Partridge Family.

No, he was in The Harvey Girls. Oh, he was in The Harvey Girls. He was very good in that, too. Yeah. And then Broadway, mostly. Where's Charlie? He did Where's Charlie on Broadway. Well, they switched roles, Bulger and Ebsen.

That Bulger was slated to play the Tin Man. No way! I didn't know that. I found that in that book I just showed you. Oh, yes. And then Ebsen took the Tin... The book that you have, and I don't, and I'm the homosexual. You just may leave here tonight with it. Really? If you play your cards right.

I like that book. Is this bullshit? You know so much about this movie. Did they actually consider using a trained lion to play the cowardly lion at one point?

Had you heard this? No, that's impossible. It was before audio animatronics. It was before CGI. It was before all that. How do you... Okay.

Could you... If I was before all that. How do you... Okay. Could you... If I... I love that. If I were king of the first... He was brilliant. He was. They're all Vaudevillians. Him, Bolger, Haley.

And Judy Garland told that story on Jack Parr where she was like... She said they were... They would all... When they were going down the Yellow Book Road. They would all crowd her. And they were all pushing her in the back. And the director was like, let that little girl in there in the middle.

But supposedly they had a great time. They strapped her breasts down, too. Yes, that I know. Oh, that hurts, doesn't it? Don't you just feel it when I say that? Was she 16? They strapped your breasts down. Yes, for every show.

You're actually wearing Dorothy's dress as a shirt, Gilbert. You are. You're wearing Dorothy's dress as a shirt, and you've got a fucking ace bandage strapped around your tits. Gilbert, you'll appreciate this. I know you and your sense of humor. There was a technician employed called a midget elevator whose job it was to pick up the munchkins,

carry them to their spot, and place them down again. You know what Judy said? They put those munchkins in one big hotel and they were unruly little animals. They would get drunk and break tables and play cards and craps and beat the hell out of each other.

They had to catch them with butterfly nets. I heard when we had Chevy Chase on this show. Yes, you brought up that rumor. He said also they were like drunks. Oh, yeah. They were like... Because he made up Over the Rainbow. Grab his ass.

He said they were always ass-grabbing farting midgets. They would have been me-too'd out the wazoo today. You also brought up that thing to Chevy, the famous... The munchkin who hung himself. Do you know about this? The shadow of the munchkin hanging himself. You can't see it's bullshit.

You can't see a hung munchkin unless you're digging his pants. Why do you think they cut the Jitterbug sequence? Because it didn't really move the plot along and it wasn't it's not that good. Yeah, it's not that good.

No. And have you seen the extended If I Only Had a Brain the one that Busby Berkeley choreographed? No, I have not. You can see it.

It's on YouTube. Really? Yeah. Where the scarecrow actually takes flight. Oh, wait. I've seen that. It gives Rain Paul

a dance solo. Yeah. And they cut the dance solo. They cut that short too. Yeah. She hated Busby Berkeley, Judy Garland. Did she? Oh, tell us why. Well, because he would torment her. He would yell at her eyes. Let me see your eyes.

He would make her do dozens and dozens of takes of different musical numbers. And he was a taskmaster and she really hated him. Did you show the kids, Gilbert? Wizard of different musical numbers and he was a taskmaster and she really hated him. Did you show the kids, Gilbert? Wizard of Oz? You and Dara?

Have the kids seen it? Yeah. She doesn't have a mic. All right. Nod once, tap once for yes, twice for no. Can we have American Sign Language? Max is actually doing it

in the fifth grade. Oh, he's doing it? Who is he playing? He's the professor. Marvel. Marvel. Well, then he's going to grow up to be straight. The first time you saw it, though, did you see it on TV in black and white only, or did you have a color TV?

I think we had a color TV early. So, yeah, I think I saw it in color. I still get choked up to this day when she says goodbye to the scarecrow. Do you really? Yeah. It's one of those moments, like that last bit of It's a Wonderful Life when she's...

Well, that makes me cry every time. The brother says the richest man in town. That makes me cry every time. Can't hold it back. Yeah, well, because Judy Garland was a wonderful actress and she, you know,

imagine if Shirley Temple played that role. Shirley Temple, they wanted Shirley Temple. Yeah, yeah. They wanted her. Oh, scarecrow. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

And W.C. Field. And W.C. Field says the wizard. And Ed Wynn, too, was considered for The Wizard of Oz before it wound up with Frank Morgan. Oh, Shirley Temple. She'd be like, oh, I want to go home in here. I want to suck on a lollipop. There's pictures.

You've seen the screen test of her with a blonde wig. Who? Judy. Oh, yes. Yeah, they made her put on a blonde wig. She said they tried to turn her into Shirley Temple. Yeah, no, that's not going to work. Now, on that, they've talked about it a lot, how they used to give her sleeping pills to knock her out at night.

And then when she woke up, they give her speed. Yep, that's exactly the truth. They conditioned her. I mean, that's what they did to her. I mean, the studios did that. You know, this is why she was so messed up. Her mother was not supposedly a very nice person.

Ethel Gum. Ethel Gum. That name just sends shivers up my spine. She was supposedly not a nice woman. And then Louis B. Mayer was, you know, the studio gave her drugs. And that's why she was addicted to pills. I mean, it's not like

she did it herself. That's the difference. And during that period, they didn't know any better. They didn't know what being a drug addict was, being addicted was. They didn't deal with it. You think Judy Garland was going to go to therapy? I don't think so. Do you know there's a very, very distant connection between the Wizard of Oz and Gilbert?

Oh, what is it? Would you like to know what it is? Besides the fact that he was the mayor of Munchkin City. What? The voice, we talked about this on the phone last night, the voice when

Tim Woodman has his solo and there's a little female voice that says, Wherefore art thou, Romeo? It's Adriana Casalotti, the voice of Snow White, who stalked Gilbert at an autograph show.

She stalked you? Okay, when was this? I was at an autograph show. It was 1992, to be exact. And I met her, and someone brought me over to her and said, Oh, you two have something in common. You're both iconic Disney characters. And she

says to her, you know, he introduces her and he says, and this is Gilbert Gottfried. He was the parrot in Aladdin. And she grabs my, in a death grip, grabs both with her fingernails in my forearm, pulls me close

to her and goes, what was that? She sang Someday My Prince Will Come to you. One day my prince will come. You're so good with the lyric. And one day he's done. And I figure, oh, well, she knows me. She's 90 and dressed as Snow White at this point.

And I figure she's honoring me, like that we both are in Disney films. Yes. And I figure, so she's going to sing two lines. And I smiled. And then another line. And then she sang the entire song. Oh, my God. The entire song.

And at the end goes, And who are you? No way. Yes, yes. I witnessed it. It was the most frightening, saddest, horrifying moment. She was 110 years old and she wore the Snow White costume. Was she slim at least?

Yeah, she was tiny. Okay, she was tiny. She was wearing powdered pancake makeup Walt Disney found her on the phone She was the daughter of somebody that he knew And she picked up the other line And was like, Daddy, it's me And he was like, what's that voice? And Walt was like, hire her

That's how that happened That's also a weird little Disney-Wizard of Oz connection That it's Snow White interrupting. And I never liked Snow White that much because I never liked her voice and I never liked her singing. But that was that period that they had those kind of singing voices. Not for me. Yeah. I mean, it's beautifully done, but I don't like Adriana Castellini.

I'm sorry she attacked you like that. That's horrifying. I would have jumped through a group of people. I swear to God it was a death grip. That was great. With her fingernails in my forearm. Both hands. And what do you do?

She's doing the whole song. You're like, I can't believe she's continuing. We've told that story on the show. I picked him up on Ventura Boulevard and drove him to that. I'm the one responsible. You're familiar with that, Mario. What? Being picked up on Ventura.

No, I'm familiar with being picked up on Santa Monica Boulevard. You know, when I used to work my corner in the day, and I had a high ass. What did you think of the live action Aladdin? Did you see it? Oh, yeah. It didn't have me in it. No, it did not have you in it.

You expect him to give you an honest answer about that? I'll give you the honest answer. It's a lot. It's a mess. It's weird. It's very strange. And it's colorful yet dull. I remember when that came out, I thought for sure they'd have a big thing and invite everyone from Aladdin to the big premiere.

They never invited me. And then finally, it's been playing a year, I call up and I say, hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried from Aladdin. Could I get tickets to the show? And they told me that across the street, in the afternoon, they have half-price tickets. Wow. Yeah. So they didn't invite you to the premiere of that?

No, no. You were like a huge part of that. He's talking about the Broadway show. Oh, you're talking about the Broadway show. The Broadway show, yeah. Well, you know, actually, the Broadway show's good. You should have been invited to that. But the Broadway show, I enjoyed.

I saw that a couple of times. I enjoyed that. It's not bad. Shall we talk a little Christmas on this Christmas episode? Yeah, we've got to because this is ridiculous that we're talking about your career. Well, last year we talked about Baby, It's Cold Outside and how many people were offended. That was like a scandal last year. Yeah, that was on last year's Christmas show.

It's one of the oldest songs ever. 44. year. It's one of the oldest songs ever. They play it every Christmas and it became this totally offensive, hate-filled song. And not only that, it was written as a party song by Frank Lesser. Seth knows the backstory.

They wrote a party song and they actually sang the song as a kind of a signal. Frank Lesser and his wife. Who wrote Guys and Dolls for those people. It was almost like a signal for the party. It's actually the party's over. It's time for everybody to go home. But it was such a big hit.

They became celebrities around town. Everybody invited them to sing that song at their home. It was wonderful. And who was the first one to record it? Do you know that? Was it Neptune's Daughter, the first appearance that it made with Esther Williams? Yes. With Ricardo Maltoban. With Ricardo Maltoban.

And Ricardo Maltoban. They're singing it together? They sang it together? Ricardo Maltoban, yeah. First of all, I don't understand. And Betty Garrett and Red Skelton in the same movie. They reversed the genders. She was the one that was chasing him.

And he had to leave. You've reversed the genders a few times. I'm a cisgender and a pansexual. I'm pansexual. I like lost boys. Back to the song. All right, the song. Baby, It's Cold Outside.

Well, first of all, I find... That sounded like the Addams Family. It was right there. The new lyrics, who wrote the new lyrics? John Legend. And I love Johnny. I know him. I think he's brilliant.

But John, how would you like Frank Lesser breaking into your fucking vault and rewriting your songs? I find, first of all, some of these lyrics are worse. I think it sexualizes it more, actually. This is the new John Legend Kelly Clarkson version. Yeah, and I love Kelly, too. I think she's magnificent. I could hear. This thing, what will my friends think?

I think they should rejoice if I have one more drink. And then he says, it's your body, your choice. What is that, like a pro-choice commercial? That is very strange. Very strange. That's the weird, it's your body, your choice. What the fuck kind of a lyric is that for a Christmas song? Don't forget Murray, the cab driver.

Oh, yeah, they made up Murray. Right, Murray cab driver. Last time there was a cab driver in Murray, about 1963 probably. And a lot of it doesn't scan, musically. That's the thing that drives me crazy, and Hollywood was the last place

to realize foreign cab drivers. Like when it was old Pakistani and Iranian and everything, they still had the cab drivers with the busboy caps and the cigar going, ah, those Yankees is no good. That's a trenchant insight, Gil. Once in a great while,

you run into one of them in New York. You do. That's a trenchant insight, Gil Once in a great while Once in a great while You run into one of them In New York You do You run into some Old Italian guy Did you hear what Dina Martin said about it?

What did Dina Martin say? She said what you said That they managed to Make the song dirtier I think so too By making it more about Permission And you know

They're reading into it More than was there And what's in this drink Is not a roofie No It was you just mixed me a strong drink. Yeah, you mixed me a strong drink. Cosby ruined it for everybody. He really did that.

Son of a bitch. It's his fault! But I honestly think that when you hear the song, a lot of it doesn't scan. Do you know what I mean by that? It doesn't fit rhythmically. They have to jam in a few lyrics

where there's no rhythm for it? But Bill Cosby actually recorded it. He did. He really did. Baby, you've schooled outside. You're a hound of lazy apes. I love the original one. And Kelly Clarkson did do the original one

at one point. Yes. And so did John. And I found another version. You've seen the Idina Menzel, Michael Bublé version. They also changed the lyrics. They did? They also sanitized it.

Because everybody's trying to get away from this idea that they've imposed on the song. That somehow this woman is being held captive or that something untoward is going on. Well, all they did was make the song a much bigger hit. Exactly. I hope it brings money to the Frank Lesser estate because I knew Joe Sullivan Lesser. Oh, you did? Oh, yeah. I did a tribute to him one night. It was a Broadway thing.

Paul McCartney sang Slow Boat to China. I sang Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat. Joe Lesser was there and it was a great night. She's just passed recently, a while ago. About a year ago, two years ago. She'd be furious. And I wonder if they'd be allowed to do this if she was alive. To rewrite these lyrics.

That's interesting. Well, you know, Legend, in defending it, said that he was trying to protect the song from being canceled outright. Okay, Johnny, I love him, but he's such a politician. Nobody took the song off the air. They really didn't. A couple of stations did. You know, besides the version I did with you when I did Betty Davis and you did Tony Curtis, and you rhythmically ruined the song.

That's the definitive version. It is. But there is another version. Do you know I recorded it on Joey McIntyre's Christmas album. You did? No. I sang it. We sang it on The View.

We sang it on The View. It was called Buddy It's Cold Outside. Before my death. And we rewrote the lyrics, but we made them filthier. You know, I forget what play it was, but someone was talking, I may have been How to Succeed in Business or something, where a girl is singing about what she'll do for her man. And she'll be, you know, she's every. And he said, and we put in where everyone else on stage is looking at her rolling their eyes, going like disgusted with what she said.

So I'll be happy to keep his dinner warm. Yes, yes. So they had to change it to show like, oh, what she's singing is really stupid and outdated. That was the new stage direction? Yes, yes. That everyone had to look at her disgusted

and roll their eyes and like what an idiot she is while she's singing it. What's that Bacharach song that's so sexist? The one, Fix Your Hair? From Promises, Promises. Yeah, what is the name of that one? My Wife Hates That One.

No, no, no. My Wife Hates That One. Wives and Lovers. Yeah, that one. That's from Promises, Promises? No, no, no. That's an older song, Wives and Lovers. That's the one that bothers my wife.

She says it's not adapted with the times. Why should always be lovers too? Yeah. I think everything needs to be... Of its time. Of its time. And people have to just stop this. Like Dave Chappelle says, put the gun down.

Just, you know, let it all be and know where it came from. Know the time that it was done. And calm the fuck down. I'll tell you, I've had it. A fun fact in the original sheet music. There's no such thing as a fun fact.

Well, this might not be like that. The original lyrics is the mouse and the wolf. So they're actually parts. Oh, the mouse and the wolf. Right, the girl is the mouse and the guy is the wolf. Well, see,

I mean, well, yeah, I guess. See Neptune's Daughter. You were saying about fun facts. Yeah. I saw on the E! Network, they would do fun facts. Yeah.

So like fun facts, Judy Garland brought her own ice cream to the set, whatever. And, you know, Julia Roberts likes chewing gum. Whatever. And so one of the fun facts in bright letters was fun fact Michael J. Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 1990.

Are you serious? That was a fun fact. Who let that by? It went up on the screen. That's a fun fact. You've that by? It went up on the screen. That's a fun fact. You've hit your greatest hits moment of the show. Yes. There's one in every episode.

Somebody told me. That took exactly 33 minutes. Someone told me the minute everything's going happily, I'll jump in with fun facts. And then your wife and child died, right? Yeah, really. Fun fact. My mother died in 1981. Christmas episode.

Really? I mean, come on. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. But first, a word from our sponsor. Baseball is finally back. podcast, but first a word from our sponsor. of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for T's and C's. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Conax Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. What if we told you you're already off to a great start with so many ways to squeeze the most out of summer right here? From our largest shrimp skewers ever to a Vietnamese-inspired dish ready in minutes,

PC makes any culinary adventure an on-budget breeze. All right, speaking of Christmas songs, we're going to do something. Oh, what are we doing? We have, Frankie, do you have those songs queued up? We did this a couple of years ago. We did bad Christmas songs. Oh, that's right. We tried to stump you and Gilbert. We did bad Christmas songs. And we tried to stump you

and Gilbert. We have to guess the celebrity? We have to guess the celebrity who's singing. Last year we had Joe Pesci. Yeah. And we had, who else did we have last year? I'm trying to remember. We had some really bad ones. I think we had George Maharis. And we had Christopher Lee was doing a heavy metal Christmas song last year. So I found

these five. These are very odd. And we'll go in the order I sent them, Frank, if you have them. And we'll see if you boys, and if they get stumped, Seth, you can chime in too. All right. So we'll start with the first one.

Here we go. Here we go. That's not it. That's not it? That's not it. Who is that? Hang on. Maybe it is.

Maybe it's a long intro. Nope. That's not it. Are you sure that's the first link I sent you? This is going to be a fight. Did it sound like one of the Great Christmas songs either? Yeah. That's the first one in it.

That's weird. Go to number two. We'll come back to it. That's weird. Go to number two. We'll come back to it. That's weird. All right. Here it comes. Who was that anyway? Nope.

We're not going to say it. I'm not going to tell you because it's going to come around in the end. All right. You'll never get this in a million years. Shirley Jones. It's snowing. It's snowing. The north wind is blowing The world is all painted so white

Tomorrow is Christmas We're happy cause this is When we hang up our stockings tonight Well, it's someone that can't sing. The Christmas tree's lit up Tomorrow we'll get up And look underneath the tree There'll be all kinds of good things

Presents that he'll bring for good kids like you and me. Does Dave Milstein know? Santa Claus is coming, Santa Claus is coming, we know he's on his way. Cheryl Teague. Santa Claus is coming,

we know he's on his way. Gil, do you have a guess? No. You might see his legs. It's Shelley Duvall. Wow. Of course it's Shelley Duvall. Wow. Of course it's Shelley Duvall. I should have known for melodious tunes from Popeye.

Shelley Duvall recorded a Christmas album. That was Dear Santa Claus. Well, that's a delightful song. That would put you... That's a lullaby, I assume? I don't know what it is. Okay. She was emotionally scarred by Kubrick.

I heard she was. You have to cut her some slack. Yeah, she was. Yeah. She did those fairy tales that were great, though. Oh, the fairy tale theater. Yes. Wonderful stuff.

That was really out there, wasn't it? All right, let's try another one, Mr. V. Let's try number three. Number three. It sounds like Bonanza. You're warm. Michael Landon. No.

Dan Blocker. Yes. Oh, my God. Wow. What made you come up with Dan Blocker? The beginning sounded like Bonanza. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It had a country kind of hoedown-y.

It's from Christmas on the Ponderosa. That's horrible. That's the worst thing ever. Dan Blocker should never have sung. That's not a good thing. That is absolutely horrible. From 1963, the cast performed in character. So, Lorne Green, Pernell Roberts, Michael Landon, and Dan Blocker all recorded a Christmas album.

Well, I'm a genius. Next. And by the way, Shelley Duvall's was from a 1991 album called Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall, Merry Christmas. That was during the Fairytale Theater time. She said, Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall. That was the name of the album. Hello, I'm Shelley Duvall, Merry Christmas. That's worse than Liza's Back at the Palace. That's a title, too.

Liza's Back at the Palace. All right, Frankie, you got four and five. We'll do four. Here it comes. I take me out of bed and down the stairs I go. I should be fast asleep by now, I know, I know, I know. But I hear reindeer up above and downstairs I hear noise. The door is open and I see Santa Claus. Whoa, it's me.

Santa Claus looks like my daddy. Okay. My daddy, my daddy Okay My daddy My daddy Santa Claus looks like my daddy This is a homosexual from the 40s, I believe 1953 Well, you're assuming I have to

Santa Claus looks like my daddy I'm singing this He's the co-star of an iconic Christmas movie He's jolly Was it of an iconic Christmas movie. He's jolly. Was it Clarence the Angel? No. It's a Wonderful Life? No, the boy from Brooklyn.

Danny Kaye. This is Danny Kaye? Oh, wow. He was a homosexual. Yes, yes. He had an affair with Laurence Olivier. Yeah. We were going to ask you about that.

Oh, yeah, he definitely did. Yeah, what do you know about it? I wasn't there, Frank. No, I heard about it. It wasn't a three-way. Yeah, Larry. You got a big cock. I bet Vivian loved that. Do you like it, Danny? Yes, I do.

But he was married to Sylvia Fine, famously. You know, when Danny Kaye was with Larry Olivier and Larry exposed himself, Danny looked at him and said, there once was an ugly doctor. You just made that up now on the spot. That's a great Frank Lesser song. I did. What do you make?

It is a Frank Lesser song. Nice. He wrote all the songs in that movie, right? The Hans Christian Andersen movie? He was right. He wrote those songs on time between two movies, between two Broadway plays. He said, yeah,

I'll write a movie in two weeks and he wrote all the songs. By the way, every guest we had here that worked with Danny Kaye, from Jamie Farr to Bernie Coppell, Joyce Van Patten

had nice things to say about him. She liked him. She was on his sketch show. They hated Danny Kaye and they hated Joey Bishop. Really? And everybody loved Jack Benny. Yeah.

Well, I heard he was a lovely guy. Yeah. All right. Do you have another one? I have one more. All right. Come on. Let's go.

Okay. This one's easy. Here you go. In a hurry so climb down the chimney. Oh, this is Lucille Ball. She has an unmistakable singing voice. From the movie Mame. Yeah.

The worst movie. You know, I just watched this recently and I said to myself, I'm going to watch it again. Because I remember seeing it as a kid and thinking, this is horrible. And I said, it can't be that bad. And then you watch it and it's just like, Blow the bugle. sound the cymbals, get your ass out, it's today.

I was like, it's really that bad? I knew that one would be too easy, but Gilbert can't resist old Lucy. Oh, we love her. Yes, yes. Remember Stone Pillow? Of course. Oh my God, yes. Can you do a scene for us?

Yeah. Okay. I'm homeless. She researched. She sat in front of Tiffany's in a burlap bag for a week. She did. She did. Method acting.

Did she? Throw me a coin. Maim is truly terrible. Do you want to buy a matchstick? Do you know about Life with Lucy, as we like to talk about on this show? That was the last series. The one she did when she was... With Jews 100.

With Gail Gordon in it? Yeah, she pulled Gail Gordon out of retirement. Yeah. Was that in the 90s? It was in the 90s. Yeah. Yeah. Life with Lucy.

I liked Here's Lucy with Desi Jr. And Lucy Arnaz. And that little puppet. Sure. I love the puppet. Is it in the Smithsonian? Mary Jane Croft. Mary Jane Croft?z. And that little puppet. Sure. I love the puppet. Is it in the Smithsonian? Mary Jane Croft. Mary Jane Croft?

Yeah. There's a name for you. Who was that? That was the neighbor. She was the neighbor. And I heard with Danny Kaye. Uh-oh. Danny Kaye was one time insulting Tony Curtis at a party.

He was like really being mean to Tony Curtis. And Tony Curtis says in his book, finally, I looked him straight in the eyes and said, He was like really being mean to Tony Curtis. And Tony Curtis says in his book, finally, I've looked him straight in the eyes and said, fuck you, Danny. How great is his autobiography? Beautiful. American Prince. That's a great book.

When you read that book, it sounds like him. Yes. And he hated Shelley Winters. Yes. He was like, I think he said fuck you to her too. Why? I don't give a fuck what you think of me, Tony Curtis. Shelly Winters. Yes. He was like, I think he said fuck you to her too. What did Shelly... Why, why, why? I don't give a fuck what you think

of me, Tony Curtis. You fucking blue-eyed Jew. Get the fuck out of here. I'm not coming over for Thanksgiving either. I'm not going to wait there. Mame was one of those movies that killed Hollywood musicals. Yeah, it was. Along with Lost Horizon and Darling Lily and Camelot. And Mame was one of those movies that killed Hollywood musicals.

Along with Lost Horizon and Darling Lily and Camelot. And Mame, they have them. It's like the house is on fire. It looks like smoke is in front of all their faces. Well, especially her. She had a filter. Every shot she had, she had a filter. And it looked like Vaseline, basically. It looked like somebody took a puff of a filter and it looked like Vaseline basically

it looked like somebody took a puff of a cigar and blew it in her face it looks pretty it's very glazed it's very gauzy it's never on TV no

it was on Turner Classic Movies recently and I just watched it she admitted she couldn't sing yeah of course she couldn't sing

yeah I mean even the songs with Carol Burnett which is cute that, that song, chutzpah. She's like, chutzpah. Two-pack-a-day smoker. Yeah, she smoked. She did.

You know, I know Lucy Arnaz, who I love very much. She's a great gal. And I always said to her that my mother reminded me of Lucille Ball when I watched the documentary she made about her parents. Because she was just fucking serious. She was like dark, serious, moody. She did not get the happy gene, you know? Did you get the happy gene? My sister Camille always says that.

I did not get the happy gene. My sister Camille smokes. I did not get the fucking happy gene. You didn't get the happy gene, she says to me. Your husband, Jerry did not get the fucking happy gene. You didn't get the happy gene. She says to me, your husband Jerry, he got the fucking happy gene. And he's black and his family's the fucking crazy nest of people. So I don't know how he got the happy gene. How is cousin Camille?

My sister Camille. Your sister Camille. She's doing great. She's, you know, living her reclusive life. Who was I thinking of? The one from the act. Cousin Googie. Go act. Cousin Googie? Googo.

Cousin Googo died years ago. Googo died. Googo talked like this. She ran out of breath at the end of every sentence. She used to go to wakes and go, heck. Some of them would pray to the casket. She'd be like, come on over to my house afterwards. I got coffee, cake, and hot shoes.

Hot shoes? Where'd you get them? None of your fucking business. They fell off the back of a truck. Keep praying, you piece of shit. You want to talk

a little bit about Frosty, which has just turned 50? I just watched it before I came here. It's not very good. It's not. And I'll tell you, Thank you, Frank.

First of all, they steal, Billy DeWolf's, Billy, is it Billy DeWolf? Billy DeWolf. Billy DeWolf, who plays the magician, the villain in it. Professor Hinkle. Yeah. They take his hat.

I mean, he does throw it out. The kids take it. Then he realizes it has magic and he wants it back. Well, fucking, he should be able to get it back. And the kids take it. So they're on the right. That I didn't agree with. I don't think they should have taken his hat.

You know, give the guy his hat back. He's a magician. He may be lousy at it, but he just discovered. And that's the only song in the whole special is Frosty. And there's six different arrangements. There's a marching one. There's the regular one. There's a ballad.

There's a ballad when he melts. That's Maury Laws, is it? No, he wasn't involved in that. He didn't write that. I forget who wrote Frosty. Oh, no. Jack, who was... His name was Jack Rollins.

His name was Jack Rollins. But is that the same... Not Woody Allen's manager. No, not Woody. But that's Jack Rollins. That's who wrote it. Yeah. And I also think, you know, I never liked Frosty.

Happy birthday. And then he says it again when he comes to life again. It's like the dementia within the snowman is not good. Gil, you got a take on Frosty the snowman? No, but I agree on that hat business. Right? Give the guy his fucking hat back. Yeah, it belongs to him.

Just because you threw it out. Oh, that's your excuse, you little bitch? Give me my fucking hat. Just because you threw it out. Oh, that's your excuse, you little bitch? Give me my fucking hat. And then Frosty, first of all, he makes, he guilts Karen into getting on the refrigerated part of the train. So he'd go to the North Pole to remain frozen and alive.

And she goes, get on, get on. And it's the train thing. And she pushes him on on and he's like, aren't you coming? The fucking girl gets on. She's freezing her fucking ovaries off. It's ridiculous. She's freezing.

Her vagina ended up looking like an ice sculpture of a rose. I don't know what that she even went with this. He makes her cum. You know what I mean then they get there and it's kind of pedophilia because he takes her into the greenhouse

to warm her up and he gets all hot and he melts so I just think and then you know Santa Claus comes and I'm like where the fuck did he come from I love that you find the morality in these movies you've been deeply offended by Rudolph for years. No, I love Rudolph.

I'm not offended by him. You're offended by the coach. I'm the coach. And the way Rudolph's treated. And the way Santa treats him. Santa's a fat fuck in it. He's mean. Yeah, because that teaches you, we'll be nice to you if we can use you for some reason.

Absolutely. At the end, he's like, when they realize he can fly, Santa says, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh? Then we'll treat you decently. I'm like, fuck you, Santa. But only if we have something to gain from you. Exactly. Crash and burn, you fat fuck. I'm not leaving your goddamn sleigh.

You want to try this? What's this? This is a scene from your favorite Christmas cartoon, Frosty the Snowman. Because Gilbert just happens to do a pretty damn good Jackie Vernon. Okay, you probably... So Gilbert, these are your parts and the narrator, Jimmy Durante. So this isn't singing? Nope.

Are you going to do Durante? No, I'll be doing Jackie Vernon. And Durante. Oh, and Durante. You're going to do them both. And Mario's going to favor us with his Billy DeWolf. I never like... All right, go ahead.

If you don't like Billy DeWolf, you can do it as Charles Nelson Reilly. No, I like Billy DeWolf. Oh, okay. Sure. Hocus, we've got to find someone to help Karen get home before she freezes. And me to the North Pole before I melt. But who? No, not the Marines.

Speed it up there, Jackie. No, not the President of the United States. Oh, they both had swell ideas. But we've got to find someone nearby. Yeah, Santa Claus. That's the idea. Why didn't I think of that before? Hocus, you go back with the animals

and help Santa comes. You bring him here. All right, I'll take this, because you're too slow. So Frosty kept a silent vigil, waiting patiently all through the night until Santa would arrive. But suddenly, oh, a campfire! Well, isn't that all snug and comfy?

No, don't. Now give me that hat or else Or else what? Oh, don't bother me with details Give me that hat Give me that hat Get on my shoulders, Karen See, there you go

Here it is You see, Frosty, since he made us He was made of snow himself Was the fastest belly whopper in the world And old Professor Hinkle was soon far out of distance. And now it was Frosty's good fortune that right at the bottom of the hill was a tiny greenhouse. Used to grow precious tropical poinsettias for groceries. It's gotta be all warm and snug inside for those Christmas flowers to grow.

So beautiful. Let's go in. Oh, but you'll melt. Just a little. I'll stay inside for a minute. Besides, I'm meaning to take off a little weight anyway. Whew. Stay in much longer.

I'm really going to make a splash in this world And then he slams the door Now I've got you And the miniature all melted That hut will be mine Sorry, I had to take over, Durante Because your pacing is hellacious We'd be here till 2022

But I would It's Jackie Vernon, for Christ's sake. I know. He is slow in it. He is slow. A little slow. Yeah. And odd casting when you look back on it.

Yeah, I know. It's not very good. Do you like it a little better now after that scene? Yeah, I do. I like doing that scene. You put that together very well, Frank. I have to say, I liked it a lot. I'm glad.

Oh, it's good. And by the way, speaking of animation and Christmas specials, I finally watched Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol. Now, I'm not Richard Kind. You've never seen it? I've never seen it. We've talked about it three years in a row. It's become a source of friction here.

I'm shocked. Yeah. I probably saw it when I was a kid and have no memory of it. So I sort of agree with Gilbert in part part but I also agree with you in part I don't like the songs the songs are horrible and that first song back on Broadway are you kidding me that's the best you could come up with

just awful he wrote Gypsy Julie Stein he wrote Funny Girl and then he's from Don't Tell Me Not To Live just sitting part of church are you fucking kidding me? He had a lapse in judgment, in musical judgment. But the storytelling is good.

The animation's nothing to write home about. The storytelling is already there. Yes. What did they do? Oh, listen. The storytelling's good. It's a fucking Christmas carol. Yes, but they do a pretty good job of executing it.

I heard the one that's on Broadway right now is very good. Which one? A Christmas carol. Oh, Christmas carol. The new musical. I love the Albert Finney one. The screw. Which one? A Christmas Carol. Oh, Christmas Carol. The new musical. I love the Albert Finney one. The screw. The Finney one's great.

Oh, it's really... You like the Finney one? Seth? Oh, my God. That's Leslie Brickus, who wrote that. What's that song called? If I were the world...

Oh, my God. It's such a good... It's good stuff. They had a Christmas Carol with Henry Winkler. Yes, a TV movie. Oh, you know, I did a play where I played a judgmental, closeted, gay uncle that lived upstairs. It was called A Room of My Own.

And there was a great line where I said to the kids, Come on, get up! Christmas carols aren't Scrooges, are they? They go, which one? And I go, which one? The real one. Alistair Simm. Not that shit they make today.

Henry Winkler is Ebenezer Scrooge. Did you ever? Gilbert, I did smile when I heard the Razzleberry Dressing song. Yeah. Because of my love for you. Of course. We love you. We love that you do that.

But I'd rather hear you do it. But you never told me it was Jack Cassidy singing it. Jack Cassidy? Jack Cassidy plays Bob Cratchit. No. Oh, yes. He does. Wow, because he was so flamboyant and flashy.

62. Wow. Yeah. Jack Cassidy. Yeah. And Maury Amsterdam turns up. Now, what was that story we heard about Jack Cassidy? Was it something?

Oh, that's a story. Richard Kind involved? No, no. Richard Kind had nothing to do with it. Who was involved? It's a story about Jack Cassidy and Jack Weston in a motel room. We'll tell it off. Wow.

We'll tell it off, Mike. Oh, I can't wait. Jack Weston and Jack Cassidy? What was that, the waffle jelly cake, Gilbert? Oh, can I have a with me three with what the berry dredging? A little white of berry would be nice. I like the lateral lisp you throw in. There's one good song, Alone in the World. It's a nice song.

I'm all alone in the world. Millions of feet don't walk in the world. Make such a lonely sound. Okay, that doesn't sound like a good song to me. Was that sung by Jim Backus in it? Who sang that one? Jim Backus, yeah. Scrooge, Mr. Scrooge sang that.

I think Tiny Tim sings it. Maybe he does. You know, Jane Keen is also in the... Oh, wow. Yeah, she turns up in it from the... Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. She turns up in it from the old Gleason show. Holy God.

The one to play Trixie. Yeah. Better known as Jane Keane. And Paul Freese does five voices. Wow. He was great. He was brilliant. He did all the Rankin-Bass stuff.

Everything in Rankin-Bass. Burgermeister. And he was the voice of the Cyclops in the movie The Cyclops, where he just goes... Who was the sidekick of the Burgermeister in Santa Claus is Coming to town? Oh, the... The one that was really gay. Yeah. He was like...

He was like... Look, look, Burgermeister, Meister, Burgers. Yes, Paul. I'll have to look that up. Oh, yeah. Maybe Paul Rayburn is in there, could look itermeister Meisterburger. Yes, Paul. I have to look that up. Oh, yeah. Maybe Paul Rayburn is in there, could look it up for us. Please. Who was the sidekick in Santa Claus is Coming to Town?

Burgermeister Meisterburger. Don't rush, Paul. I found it. Coming in 2021, the answer. Yes. Thanks. Oh, God. Do you want to try another quick quiz?

Sure. Okay. This does not have any audio, but this is just fun. This is just to test your knowledge of Christmas movies. Oh, come on. And, Seth, you can play anything you like. Okay. Seth.

Okay. This is a little game I cooked up called Noel or No Way. Oh, I like that. Is this a Christmas movie or isn't it a Christmas movie? Just from the titles. Deck the Halls.

Yes. Yeah, that's a Christmas movie. Is it? Yeah. Okay, you're right. Yeah. From 2006 with Matthew Broderick,

your pal. Oh, yeah. I love Matthew. And Danny DeVito. Uh-huh. I remember it. It was in the theaters or television? In theaters. Yeah, your pal. Oh, yeah. I love Matthew. And Danny DeVito. Uh-huh. I remember it. It was in the theaters or television? In theaters.

These are only theatrical features. I would not throw TV movies at you. Oh, that's where they're in competition with each other. Right, Christmas lights, Christmas decorations. You know, I did a Christmas movie on Lifetime called A Very Merry Toy Story. I played the mayor of New Britain, Connecticut.

Ooh. It was Mario Lopez and... Two Marios for the mayor of New Britain, Connecticut. It was Mario Lopez and... Two Marios for the price of one. Mario Lopez and Sabrina, the teenage witch. What's her name? Melissa Joan Hart. Melissa Joan Hart, yes. Big names! I work with. Gilbert, are you in any Christmas movies?

You did play an elf on Ren and Stimpy. Oh, that's right. I was an elf on Ren and Stimpy. No, Ren and Stimpypy i was you were jerry the button the belly button elf but i don't know if it was christmas i was the evil santa in that billy and mandy cartoon oh yeah i was the evil santa very good Santa. Very good. And just recently,

I did something for um, um, um, um, some, oh, I think it was that Teen Titans thing, right? Some evil Santa or something. Well, I think you're a brilliant evil Santa. You really are. But you know, you have diarrhea

of the career. You just do them, you shit them out, and you're like, I don't know what that was. Where was I? Huh? I think I... You remember that stuff because it's Christmas. It's categorized for you. And Iago, of course, you remember.

The rest of it, you have no idea what the fuck you've done. No. But you've done some great things. We read his IMDB page back to him one night. Oh, he was like, I don't remember that. Six degrees of Gilbert Gottfried. He didn't remember making about 40% of them.

Because he's done so much. He's done a lot. It's got a long page. Here's another one. Mr. North. Is that a Christmas movie? Yes, it is. It is?

No, it's not. That's not a Christmas movie. That's with, what's his name? Help write that. We had him here. Yeah, yeah. Danny Houston. But it's not a Christmas movie. It's with, what's his name? Help write that. We had him here. Yeah, yeah. Danny Houston. But it's not a Christmas movie. It is not. It is based

on a Thornton Wilder story. And wasn't it looking for his father? It's about a magical man, a man who has the power of magnetism, who appears in a small town and changes the lives of the strangers there, with Robert Mitchum, Tammy Grimes,

and Harry Dean Stanton. Oh, I'm getting it mixed up with a movie called North. That's the one Alan's White Bell Roach. Yes, yes. Also not a Christmas movie. Yeah, also not a Christmas movie. That's the one where Alan carries Roger Ebert's review in his wallet. Yes. Shows it to people.

As referenced by Alan on a previous episode. Sticking with Mr. Mr. Frost. Mr. Frost. Is that a Christmas movie? Yes, it is. With Michael Keaton? No, that's called Jack Frost, and that is a Christmas movie.

This is called Mr. Frost from 1990. Gilbert, any guesses? I think it is a Christmas movie. Very good. It is not. Is it is a Christmas movie. Very good. It is not. Is it that evil, Mr. Frost? Yes, it's the supernatural thriller starring Jeff Goldblum as a serial killer with Alan Bates. Oh, I love Alan Bates.

Women in Love. Oh, Mnuchinski. He made some great movies. You have one right and two incorrect. All right. You don't have to point it out. Holiday Affair. Holiday Affair.

Yes, it is. That is a movie with, oh God, Robert Mitchum. Very good. And who was the- Janet Leigh. Janet Leigh. I love that movie with the little kid with the train. Yes, with the toy train.

It was just on TCM the other night. Oh my God, I love that movie. It's kid with the train. Yes, with the toy train. It was just on TCM the other night. Oh, my God, I love that movie. It's a good movie. Very good. And it's kind of a three-way thing where the two guys are in love with the same girl. Correct. I don't know. I know who wins at the end, but I won't say it.

Here's another one. Gilbert, you're free to chime in any time. Okay. A Warm December. Not a Christmas movie. Mario is correct. And isn't Marlon Brando in that? No, it is a romantic drama starring Sidney Poitier.

That's right. From 1973. Is Diane Carroll in that? She is not. Okay. She is not. I failed. Here's an easy one.

Remember the Night. Remember the Night, Barbara Stanwyck, Fred McMurray. Very good. Is it a Christmas movie? No, it's not. Absolutely a Christmas movie. Yes, it is a Christmas movie. Is it really?

It's a great Christmas movie. Yes, it is. Oh, right, it is. She's a... Barbara Stanwyck. She's a thief. She's a shoplifter. Shoplifter, and he's a lawyer.

And he takes her home, right? So, Beulah Bondi is the mom. Correct. Script by Preston Sturgis. Great film. It is a great film. If I want to steal things, I will. I'm not going home, you If I want to steal things, I will. I'm not going home, you.

I want to steal things. We love old Barbara. That's Thorn Birds, Barbara. It's Thorn Birds. I can't do her younger. I will steal whatever the hell I want. Seth Saltzman, props. Thank you.

Nailed that one. Got it. Gilbert just barely participating. Yeah, he's good. He's like a little statue of like a little statue of something Christmassy. He's an elf on a shelf that has no

innards. We'll direct this one right to Gilbert. Gilbert, the gingerbread man. Is it a Christmas movie or is it not? I'm going to say no. You are correct, sir. It is a legal thriller from 1998. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola? Robert Altman.

Shit. I'm off my game tonight. But I know the one you're thinking of. You're thinking of The Rainmaker. That's the one that was directed by Coppola. Based on Grisham. With Matt Damon. Danny DeVito.

And Matt Damon's in it, right? Correct. This is a legal thriller from 1998 with Kenneth Bronner and Robert Downey and Daryl Hannah. Oh, my. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast after this. This episode is brought to you by FX's The Bear on Disney+. In Season 3, Carmi and his crew are aiming for the ultimate restaurant accolade, a Michelin star. With Golden Globe and Emmy

wins, the show starring Jeremy Allen White, Io Debrey, and Maddie Matheson is ready to heat up screens once again. All new episodes of FX's The Bear are streaming June 27, only on Disney Plus. That's the sound

of fried chicken with a spicy history thornton prince was a ladies man to get revenge his girlfriend hid spices in his fried chicken he loved it so much he opened prince's hot chicken hot chicken in the window this is one of many sounds in Tennessee with a story to tell. To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com. Tennessee sounds perfect. Okay, a couple more. Prancer. That's a Christmas movie. I'm going to say no.

Mario's right. No, it's a Christmas movie. Are you kidding me? Either it's about a fucking gay ballerina or a reindeer. That is correct, Mario Cantone. Thank you. From 1989, it is about a child who encounters a reindeer living in the woods. Notable because Abe Vigoda plays the veterinarian.

How about that? Well, there you go.igoda plays the veterinarian. How about that? Well, there you go. Okay. Three more. Good. Three Kings. It is sort of a Christmas movie about, it's with George Clooney. Correct, but it's not a Christmas movie.

No, it's not. No, they're stealing the oil. That takes place in the Midwest. Correct. In the mid-80s. Correct. They're in the desert. Yes, correct.

It's a war film about the Gulf War from... Midwest, Mideast. They're stationed in Cleveland. They're in Middle America. They're stationed in... Oh, you want to split hairs.

But the tie-in is the Three Kings. Correct, but it's not a Christmas. There's no Christmas. The titles are meant to throw you off, you see. The titles are meant to throw you off, you see. The titles are meant to deceive.

Okay. Three more quick ones. Toys. The movie Toys. It is not a Christmas movie. That's Richard Pryor and Jackie Gleason, right? No, that is called The Toy. That is a Richard Donner movie.

We had Richard Donner here. This is with Schwarzenegger? No. Toys? Yeah, with Tom Hanks and... Nope. Wrong again. You're thinking of Jingle All the Way with Schwarzenegger.

It's not a Christmas movie, right? It is not a Christmas movie. It is an anti-war comedy directed and written by Barry Levinson. Oh, I was thinking Toy Story. Our one-time podcast guest with LL Cool J and Robin Williams. No wonder why I didn't see it. So... What? And Michael Gambon,

the British actor. Oh, I like him. Richard Donner was here. Richard Donner was... Did he talk about... Not physically. He was on Skype. One of the first things he directed was a serial, a live-action serial that aired during the Banana Splits... Oh, I know where you're during the Banana Splits called Danger Island with Jan Michael Vincent.

I had a picture of Jan Michael Vincent in a tie-dyed rainbow tank top right by my bed. At 13! I knew what I liked. I wasted no fucking time.

Jan Michael Vincent said that had, cause he had the whole drug problem a total mess he died right? he died I think last year he said one time that had he died years ago

he would have been remembered like James Dean but he lived too long I don't know about that but he was beautiful He died years ago. He would have been remembered like James Dean. But he lived too long. I don't know about that. But he was beautiful. World's greatest athlete. With John Amos.

And Tim Conway. And the mechanic with Charles Bronson. And Kenan Wynn. Oh, my God. He didn't want to be an actor. He was discovered, I think, surfing in California. That's true. Unbelievable. I will send you the Richard Donner episode.

You can geek out to the discussion of Danger Island. Are you talking about Danger Island? I believe we asked him. And the guy that was the black guy on it that was so fucking hot. What was his name? Oh, my God. Scully Mitchell. Scully Mitchell. Scully Mitchell.

I forget who he was. He was so hot. Erwin C. Watson. And when I was young, he looked older to me. The black guy. Teddy Rogers. No, shut up. That's Timmy Rogers. So I was so attracted to Jan Michael

Vincent because I was a kid. Then I got older and I saw these things and I was like, who's that hot guy? yeah! Timmy Rogers. So I was so attracted to Jan Michael Vincent because I was a kid. Then I got older and I saw these things and I was like, who's that hot guy? All right, anyway. Okay. Brock Peters. But we digress. Brock Peters, good actor.

Brilliant. Yes. To kill a mockingbird. You bet. Did you see that on stage yet? Yes. It's masterful. With Jeff Daniels?

I missed it. He was magnificent. But Ed Harris is in it now and I bet it's still great. I'm going to go back. It's masterful. Go. Go see to kill a mockingbird. Ed has no Harris, to quote you, in Sex and the City but Ed Harris is in it now, and I bet it's still great. I'm going to go back. It's masterful. Go. Go see it.

Ed has no Harris, to quote you in Sex and the City. Ed Harris. Ed Harris. How about Ed, I have no Harris. All those lines are written for Paul Lynn. Sex and the City, starring Paul Lynn. We had an author here. You're dragging.

We hate sex. We had an author here who was a friend of Paul Lynn's a couple of weeks ago. Wrote a book about him. Really fascinating. She had a crush on Paul Lynn. She had a crush on Paul Lynn as a kid. And thought they'd wind up together. She hoped to meet him and end up with him.

Did she like him? Yes. But it didn't happen. No, I know that. You know the rest. Two more quick ones. Toys in the Attic. Is that a Christmas movie?

Not a Christmas movie. That was a TV movie version of that, too. Was Louise F Toys in the Attic. Is that a Christmas movie? Not a Christmas movie. That was the TV movie. It was a TV movie version of that, too. About lesbians, wasn't it? Louise Fletcher is in that? No. It's a Lillian Hellman drama. Isn't that a lesbian?

No, that's the other one. Wrong again. That's Children's Hour. Oh, Children's Hour. Yes. With Dean Martin and Geraldine Page, based on a Lillian Hellman story. That's a movie with Geraldine Page who was one of the greatest actors.

Trip to Bonneville. Good movie. Yes, yes. Oh, yes. She used to live in my neighborhood. I used to see her in the coffee shop. She was all like kind of dressed down. She looked like a bag lady sometimes.

She kind of looked like you when I used to see you walking around the neighborhood. So, yes, Gilbert, when you lived in my neighborhood, it's true. It was like, oh, it's Gerald lived in my neighborhood it's true it was like oh it's Geraldine

no it's Gilbert Godfrey Geraldine died years ago but I I would see Geraldine Page in the coffee shop and I would say hi Miss Page

and I loved her and one of my favorite things like all the great work she ever did I said this is what I said to her

I loved you and the resccuers as Madame Medusa. She did the voice of the great villainess, Madame Medusa, which I have a cell of, a production cell, which is actually 1 26th of a second hanging on my wall of Madame Medusa because I love that. All right, go ahead next. Bring it on. What's next, bitches? This is the last one. Oh.

Is this a Christmas movie? The title is Christmas in July Gilbert, you go first I'm gonna say It's not Okay Just because it so obviously

Is So it has to be a trick Look at this How he catches on Now he's A step ahead of me I think I'm gonna say it isn't

A Christmas movie Seth? Christmas movie. Seth? Christmas movie. You are incorrect, Seth. It is not, and it was designed to deceive. So I won? Gilbert was right. What did I say?

It wasn't? It's a Preston Sturgis comedy from 1940 starring Dick Powell about a man who wins a coffee slogan contest. Did he write it or direct it? Both. He did both. Wow. I didn't know that.

There you go. It was one of his films. There you go. Sullivan's Travel. One of my favorites. Oh, it's one of the best. Wow. I didn't know that. There you go. There you go. Sullivan's Travel. One of my favorites. Oh, it's one of the best. Yeah. You did very poorly.

Yes, you did. Shall we sing something? Go back to Chelsea, sit on a stoop, and sing Feed the Birds. What do we think of this? Toppings, toppings, toppings are back. I might save yours for the post show. Is that okay? Absolutely.

How long do you think it would take? Five minutes. Yeah? Tops. You want to try it or you want to save it? Let's save it. Let's do this one. Let's go with this. And we'll see how it goes.

This is for you, my friend. Oh, shit. This is going to be hard work. I know it is. Gil, this took me hours to figure out how to do this. So I finally, I was going to do it with cards and then I thought, nope, too many cards.

So I finally just scripted it out and your parts are, your individual parts are highlighted. Yes. You know what this is? Yep. Set's on board. Oh my God.

So we got to do it with tempo. Okay. So I'll give you guys a second to take a look at it. Seth, a little thinking music. Okay. Try to stay in the pocket, Gilbert. Okay, try to stay in the pocket, Gilbert. Gilbert, it's all impressions that you do on this very show.

Okay. But we're going to try to do it with a little bit of tempo. Okay. Do we feel game? Ready? On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree. On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two turtledoves. And a partridge in a pear tree. And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three French hens. Two turtle doves. And a partridge in a pear tree. On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me four calling birds. Three French hens. Two turtle doves. And a partridge in a pear tree. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me five golden rings Four calling cards

Three French hens Two internal jobs And a partridge in a pear tree On the sixth day of Christmas My true love gave to me Six geese a-flying Five golden rings! Four calling birds!

Three French hens! Two turtle doves! And a party to the pear tree! On the seventh day of Christmas, my Sherlock gave gave to me seven swans and swans. Six geese a-laying. Five golden rings. Four calling bears. Three French hens.

Two turtle dogs. And a partridge in a pear tree. And a partridge in a pear tree. On that Easter of Christmas my true love gave to me, I made some binky. Swallow, swallow, swallow. Six geese a-laying. Five golden wings. Four curling pads.

Three French hounds. Two turtle dogs. On the ninth day of Christmas, Melissa came to me, nine ladies waiting. I've bought some milk, pink. I've bought some milk, pink. Sixty salines. Five golden rings. Four calling birds. Three friends.

Four golden rings. Four golden rings. Four golden rings. Four golden rings. Four golden rings. Four golden rings. Four golden rings. Four golden rings. Four golden rings. Four golden rings. sereins! Five golden rings!

Four calling birds! Three French hounds! Two turtle doves! And a pocket-eating bird! On the sensay of Christmas, my true love gave to me ten lords a-leaping... And nine ladies waiting Eight bouts of milk Seven swallows a-swirl

Six geese a-laying Five golden rings Four curling pads Three French hens Two turned up And a party to the pear tree! On the eleventh day of Christmas, my cruel love gave to me

eleven pipers piping! Ten lords a-reaping! Nine ladies waiting! One bunch of milking! Seven swans a-swirl! Six geese a-laying! Five golden rings! Four calling birds!

Three French hens! Two journal drugs! And a partridge in a pear tree! Oh, wait, wait, wait! Oh, whoa, I got this! Oh, wait, wait, wait. Oh, whoa, I got this. Oh, sorry. On the twelfth day of evening, my true love gave to me twelve drummers drumming.

Eight pipers piping. Ten lords a-leaving. Nine ladies waiting. One prince a-biffing. One man's a-biffing. Seven swans a-swirling. Six geese a-laying. Five golden wings. Four calling birds.

Three French hens. Two journal dogs. And a partridge in a pear tree. Raspberries! That was a good one, Frank. I didn't miss a beat. Unfortunately, Mr. Gottfried had a few problems with papers sticking together. Or perhaps it was the lobes of his brain brain were sticking together.

Brilliant. I love that. Brilliant. That was pretty great. Yeah, that's a classic. You guys. That was fabulous. That was tiring.

It wasn't even that. Betty Davis on five golden rings. That was my wife's idea. That was brilliant. My wife has Betty Davis. Post-stroke Betty Davis. Has to be five golden rings. And then we knew it was going to work. Brilliant.

Magnificent. Shall I tell the listeners who that was? I think they know, and if they don't, they shouldn't be told. Okay, go ahead. Who was it? Carol Channing, Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Child, James Mason, Peter Lorre, post-stroke Betty Davis, of course. John MacGyver Gilbert, Cher, brilliant.

Joan Rivers, equally brilliant. Old Groucho, of course. Catherine Hepburn, and we never leave out, of course, Herve Villachess. Which may be his best impression. That's brilliant. You guys exhausted? No, I'm good. That was brilliant. his best impression. That's brilliant. You guys exhausted? No, I'm good. That was brilliant.

That was fun. That was fantastic. Now I'm going to ask you about... What? The Garland movie. Oh, the Judy Garland movie? Yeah. Did you see it?

Yes, I did see it. With Renee Zellweger? I don't think it's a great movie, but her acting is pretty damn great. I thought her close-ups were terrific. And she didn't sound like her when she sang, and she couldn't move like her when she sang. But, you know, look, if Judy Garland were alive, I think the picture... What would Judy say about it?

It's not a very good picture. Well, first of all, I never was booed on stage ever before I opened my mouth. There's a scene where I go on stage, or Renee goes on stage as me, and they are booing her before I even open my mouth. They're throwing things at me, and it's in London, so they're throwing figgy pudding and crumpets and scones and brisket.

I don't think that's an English thing. But anyway, they were throwing things at me, and I never had anything thrown at me before in my life so i that those things never happened now as far as renee she's a marvelous actress i think she's a marvelous actress i thought she was quite good and i thought she brought sympathy to the role especially that scene with the homosexual, and they sing a ballad version of Get Happy. I liked that. And I will say this. She can't sing like me, but kudos to her for the bravery of wanting to sing her own stuff. She couldn't sound like me.

No one sounds like me. I was the greatest singer that ever lived. But she did her own singing, and there were certain emotions she brought to it. But I give her an A for effort for doing her own singing, and there were certain emotions she brought to it. But I give her an A for effort, for doing her own singing. Because some people, like that Rami Malek from the Bohemian Rhapsody, he lip-synced half his performance, and they gave him an Oscar. I don't know what the level of anything is in this world. I think it's awful.

Would you give someone an Oscar for lip-syncing half their performance? And look at the Elton John picture. That's a marvelous film. And that boy, Taron Egerton, he sang his own stuff, and he acted his own stuff, and he sounded like Elton John, and I thought that was marvelous. Give him the Oscar, but you don't give someone an Oscar for lip-syncing half their performance.

And I don't like that Bohemian Rhapsody picture. I didn't think it was very good. I don't. But I'd like to sing a song for you to end the show. Would you all like to hear it? This is a little- known song called Merry Christmas, written by Fred Spielman and Janice Torrey, and it was written for a picture I did with Van Johnson called In the Good Old Summertime. Ah, yes.

And that's the musical version of The Shop Around the Corner, and of course later on they made the You've Got Mail version of it with Meg Ryan. I think it was before the work that she had on her face. But it's a marvelous movie, too. But this is a marvelous movie. And I think I'm going to

do this as a duet with my daughter, Liza. And I'm going to tell you why. Liza was three years old. She made her movie debut as my little daughter at the end when I carried her out. She was so adorable then. She really was. Van Johnson was just licking her face,

and I was holding her. So this is a song that I, little known song. Merry Christmas Have a very, very Merry Christmas Dream about

your heart's desire Christmas Eve when you retire Santa Claus will stop and I know he'll drop exactly what I

wanted from my chimney top so be jolly have a holiday as gay as Holly may the ones you love

Be near you With the laughs of friends To cheer you When the church bells ring Like the angels sing And you hear the joyful hymn That chimes Hang a wish from me

On your Christmas tree For a very merry Christmas time Come on, Liza, you take it. So be jolly. Have a holiday as gay as Holly. May the ones you love be near you with the laughs of friends to cheer you. And the church bells ring like the angels sing.

And you hear the joyful hymn they try. Mama, hang a wish for me on your Christmas tree. Liza. For a very Merry Christmas time. Beautiful. Merry Christmas, everybody. Liza, Judy, that was beautiful. Thanks so much.

Am I as good as my mother? Come on, tell me I was just as good. Liza, you did what you could. I did give 100%. You give about 75%, I think. Gilbert was very moved. Yeah. I was watching him.

Yes, even though it's a little faggy for my taste. I see a little watery eyes there. You are a little bit of low food. He got a little moist. Don't tell Mario that. Don't tell him. Don't tell him. Sit your ass down.

He takes moist to hold it. I do. Gilbert got moist. Oh, my. I hate when these moist to hold it. I do. Gilbert got moist. Oh, my. I hate when these shows end every year. Me too. It's so much. It's absolutely a joy.

Plugs, you've got things coming up. You've got a play that you're going to do. I do a brand new musical called Bliss, directed by Cheryl Caller and written by Tyler Beattie and Emma Lively. It's going to do its out-of-town tryout at the Fifth Avenue Theater in Seattle starting January 31st through February 23rd. And then

what else? Better Things. I'm on the new season of Better Things. I have an episode of AJ and the Queen, which is a new Netflix series that premieres on January 10th. I've been working a lot. I'll be on To Tell the Truth next season.

Oh, that's right. I love the game shows. You know, I do Match Game and Pyramid all the time. Your pal Alec Baldwin? I love Alec. He's my buddy, and I love him, and he always comes to get me. And does things to me that I enjoy. But I had never done To Tell the Truth because it's in L.A.

and they were very nice. They flew me out. And Better Things, did you mention that? Better Things with Pam Adlon, my buddy. I just did an episode of Mom. It just aired. It'll probably be repeated. And it's on, you know, it streams.

You are busy. I have been busy. It's amazing that I was doing nothing. And then I made a triumphant return to the Cafe Carlisle, which I sold out, was fantastic i'm sorry i didn't see oh don't worry about it frank you son of a bitch i feel very bad no don't you've seen me a million times i haven't seen you a million times uh mr saltzman yes sir plugs tell us about why hunger again why hunger it's a great time of year for why hunger it's a great charity we help people get nutritious food all over the country we have a hunger hotline.

Harry Chapin, founder. Harry Chapin and Bill Ayers founded the organization in 1975, and I'm proud to sit as the chair of the board of WhyHunger. So it's been around since 75, huh? Yep, and we're in the middle of Hungerthon right now. So if you go to whyhunger.org

or Hungerthon or Charity Buzz, you can bid on a lot of great items to help support the organization. We'd love to have Mario be an auction item. Would you be? Lunch with Mario. I don't know about lunch, but perhaps.

I don't get up for lunch. Can you do lunch with Gilbert if somebody pays? Yes. I'll do lunch with somebody. Of course I will. I will do lunch with somebody. Thank you, Mario. No, it's a great organization.

We will auction off a night here. A night here at the podcast. Would that... I may not be here, so I'll do lunch. We'll do something. As long as they come to my block. Thank you, Murray. I'm not going to fucking sag hard or anything like that.

No, no, no. You're convenient. Charity only goes so far. Oh, good. Yeah, we'll do... Sullivan Street Bakery right across the street from me. That's perfect. Anyway, great support.

We have a lot of auctions open right now on Charity Buzz. Go to Charity Buzz, type in Why Hungry. You'll see great things up there to help support the organization. Thank you. Please give our love to Paul Williams. I will. I will see him. He loves, when he's on the show, he loves working with you. We love him. Yep. So we want to

thank Mr. Cantone. Thank you again. I hope it was satisfactory. I always get nervous because you think, you know, people love these and you want to, you know, make them as good as possible. Well, we try every year. We do try. Well, you know, you come up with magnificent things, Frank.

You're very kind. You do. And Gilbert, you're the funniest person in the world to work with. And I adore you. And I appreciate it. I really do. I love this. I'm being serious because I do rank on you through the whole thing.

But you know how brilliant I think you really are. And Seth, thank you for being here and learning this song and giving me a copy of it. Now I have it in my key. Who's better than Seth? I'm going to sing it again somewhere. My pleasure. So we want to thank Starburns Audio too.

We want to thank our fans who've been generously supporting us on Patreon. Please keep it up. What is it, Dara? Patreon slash Gilbert Gottfried? Yeah. This has been Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast

with my co-host Frank Santopadre and the Flaming Homo. Push, Gilbert, push. I can see the baby. You're crowding. My favorite Justice League character, the Flaming Homo. Push, Gilbert, push. I can see the baby. You're crowding. My favorite Justice League character, the flaming Homo. The flaming Homo. That should be the name of the movie.

And raging fag. Mario Cantone. And the best cocksucker in the business. Now get out of my way. I got a man waiting for me. And with that, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody.

I really can't stay. But baby, it's cold outside. I've got to go away. But baby, it's cold outside. This evening has been so very nice. I'll hold your hands. They're just like a nest. My mother will start to worry.

Beautiful, what's your hurry? And father will be pacing the floor. Listen to the fireplace roll. So really, I'd better scurry. Beautiful, please don't hurry. Well, maybe just a half a drink more. Put some records on while I pour. The neighbor's my thing.

Maybe it's bad out there. Say, what's in this drink? No camps to be had out there. I wish I knew how. Your eyes are like starlight now. To break the spell. I'll take your hat. Your hair looks swell.

I ought to say no, no, no, sir. Mind if I move in closer? At least I'm gonna say that I tried. What's the sense of hurting my pride? I really can't stay. Baby, don't hold out. Ah, but it's cold outside. I simply must go But baby it's cold outside The answer is no But baby it's cold outside This welcome has been How lucky that you dropped in

So nice and warm Look out the window at that store My sister will be suspicious. Gosh, your lips look delicious. My brother will be there at the door. Waves upon a tropical shore. My maiden aunt's mind is vicious. Ooh, your lips are delicious.

Well, maybe just a cigarette more. Never such a blizzard before. I've got to get home. But baby, you freeze out there. Say, lend me a cold. It But baby, you freeze out there. Say, uh, lend me a comb. It's up to your knees out there. You've really been grand. I thrill when you touch my hand.

But don't you see? How can you do this thing to me? There's bound to be talk tomorrow. Think of my lifelong sorrow. At least there will be plenty implied. If you caught pneumonia and died Get over that old doubt Ooh, baby, it's cold outside